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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Kenzie Double-Breasted Blazer

A white woman with long brown hair (face partially cropped out) wearing an olive-colored blazer and tan pants (legs mostly cropped out)

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This blazer from L’Agence is giving me major “Elle Woods Goes to Harvard” vibes. (What, like it’s hard?) This deep olive color would look great with lighter neutrals, like camel, pale gray, or white. I’d hesitate to wear it with black or navy, only because the colors might look too similar and look like accidentally mismatched suit pieces.

If you like the cut of this blazer, but not the color, it also comes in navy, ivory, black, or dark wine.

The blazer is $650 at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in sizes 00–16.

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400 Comments

  1. Sometime in the last few years (covid has ruined my memory), some posters here talked about monthly goals in lieu of new year resolutions. I love the idea and am wondering if anyone has “kept it up” or if it became another chore/faded/etc.

    1. Oh I do monthly goals – which are fed from my yearly goals. So if I had a cycling mileage goal or a books read goal or another activity, I’d feed those into my monthly goals, ie. 20 books in translation for the year, 2 books a month. I have a two page spread in my planner where I list out my personal and professional goals for the month. When I’m making that monthly list, I look at my projects but also my yearly goals.
      I think people also do a monthly theme – so January is fitness, February is family connection, etc.

        1. I love reading goals!

          The first year I did one, it was to read every book my book club selected in its entirety because we’d gotten to a point where only half the people in the club would read each book then the discussion would be weird. Most other members followed suit!

          This year I decided to push myself and went for 50 books. I do listen to a lot of audiobooks, and those count.

          I’m trying to decide what to do next year. I found that making a goal of 50 books was so fun, but I was also shying away from really long books sometimes. I am halfway considering reading a poem and a short story each day. Another thought is making a goal around major prize winners somehow. I’m interested to hear what others are doing for sure!

          1. I’m trying, over the next 10 years, to read a book from every country in the world (diaspora counts) as a big way of diversifying my reading lists. I typically set a goal of 52 books, but often read about 75.
            I love the poem and short story idea. Or maybe all the Women’s Prize for Fiction? Or international Bookers?

          2. Ok, I love the goal of reading at least one book from every country. What areas have you found to be most difficult for finding books?

            I have International Bookers on my list of possibilities, and I like the Women’s Fiction Prize idea as well. I have been thinking about some Hugo finalists as well because I don’t read a lot in those genres.

          3. African countries are quite tricky. I think much of “African” literature is dominated by Nigeria and Ghana, due to legacies of colonial ties, etc. I’m also weaker on South American literature.

        2. One year I wanted to shake it up, so I used the PopSugar reading challenge prompts to force me to try something new.
          Another year I wanted to read different genres, so I joined Book of the Month Club and made myself pick a different genre each month.
          This year I wanted to diversify my bookshelf so I set a goal to read two books each month by authors who have different backgrounds than I do. I’ve found amazing new favorites.
          And I’m thinking next year, I’m going to revisit old favorites. I’m going to try to read an old favorite each month and then read a modern retelling or a different book from that author. I’m going to reread Matilda, and then read The Irregulars about Dahl’s time in the RAF during WWII. Then I’ll reread Secret Garden and then Secret Garden on 81st St, this middle school graphic novel retelling. And that’s as far as I’ve gotten for now. I need to find a spin on Jellicoe Road next.

          1. Are you my book doppelganger?? I love the PopSugar reading challenge to shake things up! The first year I did it, I definitely read some that I wouldn’t have picked out on my own and really enjoyed. I wanted to do it this year, but had a baby in May, so I’m gearing up for the 2022 challenge instead. And I love Jellicoe Road, but I can’t think of what would be a retelling of it. I would probably pick Jane Harper, since her books are set in Australia and involve past crimes/mysteries that have ripples through the present timeline. Another Melina Marchetta is always a good bet though.

    3. Hubby and I do this. Every month we sit down with a paper calendar (we get one with fun antique travel posters every year) and mark it up with all the events for the month (including adding the ones that happened that we hadn’t put in in advance) like parties and performances and outings and appointments and so on, and then on the margins we write down our goals for the month. And we check off the completed goals from last month and cross out the ones that didn’t get gone. We may or may not carry them over — sometimes they don’t get done because it turns out we didn’t really want to do them! It’s a nice monthly checking in ritual and we enjoy it. Plus at the end of the year, the calendar is a nice record of what happened (or didn’t).

    4. I thought that, too!
      But thinking of ads targeting WFH people, it wouldn’t be totally out of the question if we saw a ridiculous picture with a person wearing a blazer on the top, and underwear on the bottom, haha.

  3. Has anyone ordered anything from Quince? The prices look great but it almost seems to good to be true.

    1. I’ve never ordered from them, but I think Looks Good From the Back and Jolynne Shane have reviewed this brand.

    2. I ordered and sent back their silk tank. I found it too slouchy in cut to work with my business attire. I don’t recall the quality. I buy inexpensive silk pieces for work from Antonio Melani at Dillard’s. They are really good quality for the price, and frequently go on sale.

    3. I got a silk robe that I liked (navy, one size) and their stretch silk cream/white colored tank shell (very opaque and lined, a little short for my liking, must be steamed). Overall, I just recommended them to a friend who was looking for a silk pillowcase and I’ve been eyeing their long sleeve silk tops (but I have kids, so I reconsider).

    4. I bought my sister a sweater and myself two of the silk tanks. They’re beautiful and great quality and she LOVED her sweater, which was a home run for me since she’s very fashion-forward and I…am not.

    5. I ordered a beautiful navy silk shirt dress from Quince. I love it but have only worn it once so can’t speak to durability.

    6. I got a silk t-shirt based on a recommendation here. I like it but it does require some ironing to make it look presentable after washing which is probably the case for any silk shirt. I think the quality is nice and I’ve been thinking about ordering a cashmere sweater.

    7. I have the black silk tshirt and black silk tshirt dress. The dress is too short for work on me (I’m 5’4″) but was a staple for weekends this past summer and my favorite piece from there. The tshirt is great under suits but I found it a bit underwhelming on its own — my Cuyana silk T looks much better as a standalone piece (but is pricier and harder to care for). I also bought the long sleeve silk shirt and loved it until my partner said I looked like a server at a high end restaurant, so it went back. I also returned the tanks because I found them underwhelming. Overall I find the silk to be much thinner and lower quality than some of my other pieces from more expensive brands, but appropriate for the price.

      A few weeks ago I got the waffle robe, which shipped directly from turkey and is amazing.

      1. Absolutely second the silk tee comments, down to Cuyana looking better on its own. I really like the Quince one under jackets, but it’s a little shiny and thin. The Cuyana tee is matte and thicker, so it flows better as a standalone top.

        1. I they changed their silk sourcing. I have a shirt from 2019 (when they were still called Last Brand or something, before they rebranded to Quince) and it’s matte and thick and “flows” nicely. I tried a silk shirt recently and it’s shiny

          I also have :
          -Luxe down comforter: it’s thinner and lighter weight than my previous Macys one (from circa 2008 when their bedding was $$$), but it’s still warm…and good for 3/4 seasons.
          -Cashmere! I have crew neck long sleeve and short sleeve sweaters. They’re warm and soft and very serviceable… only slight pilling after constant wear. The fit and cut are kind of blah…like higher neck line, clunky feeling sleeves and hem, if that makes sense. But the best part is that I don’t “baby” them—they’re part of my causal weekend rotation and get tossed in the regular laundry (not delicate) and line dried
          -Merino crew neck sweater. Great quality…but see fit comment above. My BR ones are much more figure flattering.
          -Linen: white but*on d_wn shi*t. Love this!! It’s thick and not see through at all. Though reviews are right…cuffs are just a tad too tight for easy sleeve rolling. Tried and returned their linen pants—was not flattering on me (size 6, long torso and short legs)

    8. I bought a cashmere crewneck last year and am really happy with it – it’s nice and soft, and holds its shape better than a Theory one I have. I also have linen sheets (not quite as soft as West Elm, but half the price!), a few of the silk pajama sets, a linen dress, and a jumpsuit. The only thing that’s been a miss was a silk wrap dress – but that’s due to fit (it gaped across my chest), not quality. Was actually planning to buy a bit more cashmere now that it’s getting cold…

    9. I have several silk tees and two short-sleeved cashmere sweaters and like them all for wearing under suits. I got them in a panic before a trial earlier this year and they worked out as I had hoped to streamline getting dressed without spending too much money or thought.

    10. I got my SO the men’s cashmere half-zip. It’s nice quality and looks great on him.

    11. I ordered their pleat-back silk top and love it. It fits well and looks great.

  4. Super anon back – it’s been 5 weeks since I found out my husband was lying to me about paying for OF and 3 weeks since I found out he cheated on me in 2017. Since then we have been talking a lot and I’ve been figuring out more on my own. I love him and I believe he loves me (now). I’m questioning if love is enough / if we have the same definition, and what he could do to help me trust him again. Any help or advice is welcome.

    A little more background- we have been together since 2009, married since 2015. I was incredibly depressed and working 80+ hour weeks (thanks biglaw) from 2014-2018, and then went into 70+ hour weeks in PE which was not a lot better. Our seggs life suffered but I thought our relationship was still amazing – loving, caring, we liked each other the whole time. I thought of him as my rock helping me to get through the misery of my job.

    Evidently he was tempted by someone at work and thought it was too hard to talk to my busy depressed self and easier to fall for her. Their fling lasted a summer (2017), and the emotional fallout lasted another year (through fall 2018) until she moved out of town and he went to therapy to recommit to our marriage by himself (I thought the therapy was to get through his socioeconomic guilt and the fact that both our parents had cancer at the same time – they are now fine and he helped my family a lot, including spending 2 weeks alone w my bedridden mom, walking her poodle 4 times a day).

    My ideal is to build something new with the man I have loved for 12 years. He is saying and doing the right things – no justification (the above justification is from me, not him), he’s in individual therapy, he lets me look at his phone and email when I want (of course there is nothing new). I just don’t know how to get back to a place where I think we are good when I know that I thought we were good in 2017 and we definitely were not.

    2. Hi super anon, glad to see you back. I hope you’re finding ways to take care of yourself during this time. If that’s been lagging, here is permission from an internet stranger to take off early and go to the gym or to swing by a fancy bakery.

      Are you two in couples therapy now? From this and your past posts, I feel like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be the one who solves this – who figures out what a new relationship looks like, who figures out how the trust can be rebuilt, etc. You 100% don’t have solve responsibility of fixing this. He should be doing the heavy lifting and I bet anything professional support for the two of you would be useful.

    3. Not that it’s a replacement for therapy/counseling but I enjoyed reading books to gain perspective outside of my head (I’m 2 years out from discovering my partner’s affair, super loosely similar to your situation, and we are working on rebuilding a new marriage, his loyalty, and my trust)
      The State of Affairs
      4 Seasons of Marriage
      The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity

      1. Thanks. Do you feel like you had different feelings over time about it? Do you feel there is some clarity or comfort that you’ve reached over time?

        It’s early for me but I’ve been moving from deep anger to sadness, without any sense of clarity. Right now I expect at least a few months before any sense of stability and years of rebuilding if things are going well for me emotionally?

        1. there’s a lot going on in these comments, a lot of which I agree with. I think some of the comments are premature/unfair because you just recently-ish found out about this? you’re just in the beginning of the long road and you’re still trying to rationalize his crap. which you shouldn’t. and also like one person said – everyone is intensely individual. I am not oncecheater/alwayscheater, and we both determined that we very much wanted to stay married, with him shouldering burdens of his choices. I believe in forgiveness and I believe no person or relationship is perfect.

          when he finally told me, he went through the ringer emotionally. to a point where sometimes i felt bad for *him*. hah! I gave him no benefit of any doubt and he works intensely to get back in my favor and do any lifting, light or heavy, to get back on track and to steady footing. I went through every emotion and yes, there is much clarity now for both of us. it’s a rock and a hard place situation and only you can answer these things for yourself one day at a time. (though I agree with pugsnbourbon on the no kids things and somehow this changes/solidifies things for you? that’s something you need to work through)

    4. Only you can answer this for yourself. It sounds like you’re not at a place where you want to end things, and that’s okay. It’s your life and you get to make decisions about it. If you are both actually talking now, I’d really try couples therapy and see where you land. I’m not actually a believer in the once a cheater/always a cheater cliche. It sounds like there was a lot going on in your house when things happened. I’ve known couples who have recovered from similar circumstances and others who have ended things. Very personal, and up to you. I’d also get individual therapy to work through your own feelings.

      1. + 1. Don’t try to decide now what to do. Give yourself time to work through the rage and grief, and time to see how committed he is to work through what he needs to, and then you will know what to do. I stayed, but only after tossing him out into a rental until I could stand to see him again, and him realizing he needed to grow up. He moved back in about a year later.

      2. I would DTMFA. You make good money, and his winkie has gone astray on multiple occasions with another woman. This is not a one-time “boy was I drunk” event. He may well do it again b/c she is different from you. Men love variety and you don’t so just DTMFA.

    5. All I can offer is my opinion as a long-married person, which is that no person is perfect, and no long-term relationship is without problems. But some problems are much bigger, and much more indicative of baseline incompatibility, than other problems. I feel like he’s using a trope excuse “you were so busy and I felt neglected, and the other woman was right there” – which doesn’t hold a lot of water for me. I also think it may signal that your husband is a man that is not going to be able to say “no” to temptation if he can find the thinnest justification for responding to someone’s attention (or seeking it). For me, that is a relationship deal-breaker as I have to feel I can trust the person I am partnered with. Trust is the foundation of everything, for me. If I have to spend my entire life waiting for the next shoe to drop in terms of infidelity, and/or I have to watch him like a hawk and constantly attend to his emotional needs to keep him from cheating – that sounds exhausting to me. I’d rather not, thanks anyway. It’s better to be alone than in a relationship that feels like another job.

      I guess the question is, do you feel like there is a path forward where, under normal circumstances, you still have a career and your own life and the ability to work as much as you need to be able to advance, and not have to babysit his emotions 24/7, and he will stay away from other women? If not, are you willing to live your life in an “arrangement” with your husband where sometimes he strays and you can live with it? I will say I do know people in relationships where there’s the old school “look the other way” dynamic in place. Those are not relationships I envy, because over time, the repeated hurts (even though they’re anticipated) cause an emotional walling-off of one person from another person. It basically becomes a business arrangement. I feel like life’s too short for that and again, there are worse things than being divorced. One of them is being married to someone who is so emotionally needy that the minute they feel you’re not paying attention to them, they go seek inappropriate attention from someone else.

      This is your life and ultimately it’s your choice, but my $.02 is – I don’t care how great this guy is, or you think he is; you deserve better than this. There are all kinds of people out there in the world you can partner with who won’t do this to you. Or you can be by yourself, which is a completely fine and (IMO) preferable choice to being in a long-term situationship with someone you’re married to. Because that’s what this is. He loves you, he married you, but he’s not committed to you, to the point where he will walk away from the opportunity to get s*xual attention from another person. Someone who cheats repeatedly has not stopped dating and is still in the dating mindset, married or no – they’re always on the hunt for the new person, new attention, “new relationship energy.”Again, being married to someone like that sounds exhausting to me. Life is hard enough; staying married to a guy like this is playing life on “hard mode.” If you have the energy for it and want to take on that roller-coaster ride, I am not going to tell you you’re wrong. I will tell you you’re worth more and you’re making your life way harder than it needs to be. Good luck.

      1. The key for me is that it was not a repeat situation – it was with one person for a summer and then he stopped. I do think that’s true now and if I find it’s not true it would be different for me.

        At the same time I agree with a lot of what you said about trust being the foundation. I don’t want to be a constant monitor or constantly under background stress about what love / commitment means to each of us. Just trying to figure out if there is a way to build something new in this situation or not (knowing that’s a personal assessment).

        1. Whether or not he carried through with the Craigslist hookup posts you saw on his phone – which is how you found out about everything in the first place – he was seeking attention outside of the marriage. I hope you are not stuck in a place of believing that he wouldn’t have followed through with the Craigslist cheating, because I feel that’s pretty naive.

          If it were just the affair, that would maybe be one thing. The affair + the OnlyFans stuff + the Craigslist postings constitute a pattern. If you want to ignore the pattern, that’s your choice, but choices have consequences. And I don’t feel optimistic about the chances that turning a blind eye to this pattern is going to result in you being in a happy, healthy, trusting, committed relationship for the many years you likely still have left to live in this life.

        2. This response is really concerning. It absolutely was more than once, even if his infidelity took different forms over time. I imagine that’s why the person you’re responding to said he was “seeking inappropriate attention” rather than “cheating” – wherever you draw the line on cheating vs infidelity is beside the point, his OF behavior was not the behavior of a faithful partner any more than his “one” in person affair. I think you need to do the work of accepting what he did to you and your relationship before you can even think about making a decision on whether to move forward.

      2. I agree with everything, but especially;
        “But some problems are much bigger, and much more indicative of baseline incompatibility, than other problems.”

        I’m going through a rough stretch with my partner (married for 14 yrs, small kid – Covid is so hard, jobs are crazy), but I fully trust them and know 100% they wouldn’t cheat on me emotionally or physically. This would be a total dealbreaker for me. Being stressed, annoyed, reacting with more snark than we both want, just nerves being exposed – this is a phase that will pass (for us).

        1. Except that I’d venture to say a lot of people feel this way and still end up getting cheated on. It’s nice to smugly say it won’t be you, but the reality is that it can be you.

          1. Yes! I hate when people say they know their spouse would never do that. I also knew my (ex) spouse would never, and then he did. And my friends were also shocked he’d done that, fwiw.

          2. Yes I definitely felt this way. Which makes it harder but I can attest that no one is exempt. It hurts a lot that so many of our friends think we are relationship goals – I thought so too.

          3. I have to agree with this. Married 22 years and while I love and trust my husband, I would never say “that would never be me” to anything, because I’ve just seen too much. I am not going to live my life spying on him and always looking over my shoulder, but at the same time, I think the fact that I am breathing means there is a non-zero chance I could be cheated on, left, he could run away with all our money, etc. It happens to very nice people in very good marriages, all the time.

      3. I agree with all of this too. I will say I saw a lot more men cheat in their less mature years – 20s, early 30s, where they didn’t have advanced coping mechanisms or much experience and become faithful partners later. It sounds like that may be a factor for OP since they married young. Not an excuse and I too, would be oh so exhausted by the situation.

      4. I hear all of what you’re saying, but if my partner disappeared for 70+ hours each week, which is basically most of your waking hours every day, I would start to wonder what kind of relationship I had with them. Of course he should’ve brought it up to her using his words, but it’s possible he didn’t feel like he could given the burdens of the schedule. By the way I would feel this way for men or women. I think it’s just a reality of working close many hours.

        1. Being at work is not “disappearing.” And “most of your waking hours every day” are spent at work even if you have a 9-5.

          Let’s not guilt and shame the OP about her high pressure job.

          1. That’s being disingenuous. There’s a huge difference between a 40 hour workweek, no weekends, and 70-80+ hours a week for at least 6 years, in her telling.

          2. She was working BigLaw so was being compensated well for the time she spent at work, and I imagine her husband liked the money, like most of us like money.
            Also, if someone can’t deal with their spouse’s work-life balance situation, the right choice is to leave. Not to cheat.

        2. Sorry no. If your partner is working a lot and you feel like you don’t see them enough, you don’t test the waters with another partner. I don’t like how OP is blaming herself for her husband’s actions (multiple). He did not accidentally trip and fall into another woman’s v@g, it wasn’t an accident. It takes planing and forethought to commit to an affair. It’s not OP’s fault. He did it.

    6. Couples I know who successfully made it past cheating and are now happy(ish, enough, as much as anyone else) did INTENSE relationship counseling. You need a counselor who you both feel like you really trust and who does not make you feel at all disoriented or off center IMHO. Best of luck.

    7. What is OF?

      It sounds like a simpler, less stressful lifestyle is in order, giving you more time to be together, to be present, and to have fun.

      It must be so hard to get over affairs–I have never had to do that, but it would break my heart.

      2. OF is OnlyFans I think.

        I think the core of the trouble is you can’t go back to Before because… the cheating happened. You will need a lot of counseling and ultimately may decide you can’t truly trust him and need to divorce, but worth trying the counseling first.

    8. Counseling to figure out what your game plan is if/when life gets busy again. And how to communicate with each other when one or both of you is unhappy or feeling neglected in the relationship. You had a lot of stressors in that period, but stressful periods will continue to crop up every few years in your married life, so you both need the tools to deal with those when they happen.

    9. You’re still not getting it. It’s not your fault he cheated. You weren’t working too hard or being to sad. You didn’t bring this on. Since day 1 you’ve been posting here about how to fix it and not engaging with the reality of how broken it is. You can’t move past being hurt and betrayed and angry if you don’t let yourself have those emotions. You shouldn’t trust him! He’s repeatedly demonstrated that he isn’t trust worthy and doesn’t care about you or this relationship

      3. I do know that intellectually. No matter what I did or the nature of our relationship otherwise, we were married and cheating is not okay. I just don’t know what to do with that emotionally. It seems like you are saying I have no choice but to leave him – is that what you mean?

        1. No. But I think you’re excessively focused on making the problem go away instead of really engaging with it. And that’s just kicking the can down the road.

          1. +1 million. OP, the more energy you put into trying to justify or explain away what happened, the farther away you get from a real answer and solution to your problem. It’s way easier to “paper over” these kinds of issues in a marriage. People do it with infidelity, drinking,drug use, gambling, financial irresponsibility, etc. But the problems don’t go away, and in a few weeks, months or years here comes the problem again! Disrupting everything, making everyone upset and angry, everyone goes through the same emotional cycle again, ad nauseum. If you think this is hard or exhausting or complicated now, picture yourself going through this again every two or three years (or more frequently), without end. Because if the root cause issues aren’t addressed (and p.s. – they may not be within your power to fix) you’re just going to keep repeating the cycle. IME that’s why most couples I know that have broken up over infidelity have broken up. Not because they can’t get over a one-time incident, but because it was never, ever just a one-time incident. And who wants to live their lives in a constant cycle of emotional upheaval, recriminations and reconciliations, only to then start the messy nonsense all over again? And do that at some irregular interval for the rest of your life. Hell naw. Life’s too short.

      4. I agree. I wonder if OP has brought up some of her thoughts about the “causes” with her therapist?

        I ask because a few weeks after I found out my ex was cheating on me, I told my therapist I wanted to talk about prevention in future relationships. She listened patiently to me going through the whole list of what “caused” the affair, most of which was similar to OP’s list— I was busy, I wasn’t paying attention, life circumstances were difficult. At the end, she said of course she’ll help me process through what happened, but my list of causes made it sound like it was all my fault when it was absolutely not my fault that he reacted that way to normal marriage stressors.

        I hope you can find the comfort you’re looking for, OP. The individual therapy should be very helpful in this regard.

      5. +1

        For my husband and I, one of the central purposes of marriage is to be there for each other when times are tough. When I have a hard time, my husband’s focus is taking care of me. When my husband has a hard time, my focus is taking care of him. This is one of the essential beauties of marriage. No matter what the world throws at me, I have someone I can count on. I trust my husband more than literally anyone else in the world.

        To me, this detail puts me firmly in the “leave him” camp. You were depressed and struggling with a heavy workload, and his response was to cheat on you. Then he hid it from you as long as he could. This is the biggest red flag possible to me.

        1. “To me, this detail puts me firmly in the “leave him” camp. You were depressed and struggling with a heavy workload, and his response was to cheat on you. Then he hid it from you as long as he could. This is the biggest red flag possible to me.”

          Big, big truth in this statement. What happens when OP gets cancer, or injured in a car accident? What happens when she gets a huge promotion at work and has to work really hard for several months or a couple of years? What happens when she decides to go to drinks with friends and he’s “all alone” on a Friday night at home and gets bored? OP is setting herself up for a situation where her life is going to have to revolve around this man to keep him from cheating. NO. THANKS. Vib r*tors exist for a reason.

        3. Cheated on OP with one woman that he is prepared to admit to, AND deceptively paid for OF subscriptions AND advertised on Craig’s List for a further cheating (that she knows about).

          I am entirely in agreement with the reply at 10:31.

          You only get one life to live and love in. Please do not waste it on this man.

        4. This is the best summary I’ve seen. I’m not sure what the dynamic is between OP and her husband right now, but to me it appears he’s manipulating her to accept fault for this when it is not her fault at all. He cheated during a time she needed his support. He’s not a partner in the marriage. He’s a child.

    10. Do you have kids? Do you want kids someday? If you don’t have them already I would NOT have kids with this man. If you don’t want kids, make him get a vasectomy. Make him sign a post-nup. Maybe continue relationship counseling.

      If someone is like family and you love them, that’s one thing. Your partner should be someone you trust 100% and I can’t see you ever getting near that at this point.

      1. We don’t have kids and I’ve been leaning no ever since I can remember. This completely cuts off that possibility with him and I’ve told him that.

        I’ve asked him for a post nup but I view it as an insurance policy ($$$) not an actual assurance that he won’t cheat again. That assurance would come from somewhere else.

        1. Just a thought, but I also was an no kids ever/child free person, and I stayed in bad relationships because I thought it would be too hard to find someone amazing who also didn’t want to have kids. Felt like dating on the island of broken toys. Thankfully I met someone great, it just took longer. If the “is this what I have to settle for” thought is in your mind, it isn’t what you have to settle for.

        2. I think the fact that you absolutely wouldn’t have kids with him is pretty telling. We’re childfree by choice but I know that if the universe dropped a child in our lives, we’d make it work and be good partners.

        3. Just reflecting back to you…it sounds like you’re saying, “I was leaning no on having kids, but now I’m sure I won’t have any, because I don’t trust my husband.” I never wanted kids, so I’m the last person to pathologize that choice. But the reason behind it makes me sad for you.

    11. There have been a lot of comments about the cheating, but not much about the (more recent) OnlyFans stuff. If it were just the cheating, and he’s been working hard to right things…or if we’re just the lies about OnlyFans, then you could make a good faith attempt to move forward.

      But “recommitting” to the marriage after cheating for what amounts to over a year and then wandering around onlyfans and lying about it doesn’t exactly sound consistent.

      I’ve been married over 12 years to someone I met in 2004. We have been through a lot. It’s not all easy. We recently went through a really hard 3 years. I think we are okay; I also truly believe that both of us want- and have always wanted- to be a team, and what that looks like changes as we get older and go through different phases of life. And, I trust him. I can’t always say that I have trusted him, but I do now (and should have always).

    12. What stands out to me is that this summary skips over that when this first came out he was really evasive / deceptive – the OF thing happened but he didn’t fess up to the affair, that only came out because you discovered it. Those are really critical facts that go to his character and total comfort lying to you as recently as a month ago. I’d really do some reflection on why that’s no longer part of the story for you.

      2. I also remember you were pretty skeptical that the summer fling was really the only instance of him cheating, and you asked how you could ascertain that when he had been keeping so much else from you. Doesn’t sound like that’s been resolved, other than by your setting it aside mentally.

      3. The OP is unfortunately doing some “remodeling of the past” that I don’t think is healthy for her.

      1. Yes I’m in individual therapy. It’s helping me cope but I know I’m not at the level of understanding or processing that I will be in the future.

        1. I’m glad to hear you’re in therapy. I won’t rehash what other commenters have already said, but I think No Face said it best. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you find happiness again.

    14. Stop making excuses for him. This isn’t your fault. Don’t try to contort yourself into some mold of whatever the Perfect Wife is supposed to be in the hopes that if only you acted a certain way he wouldn’t stray. That’s a load of bull and you know it.

      Table the question of whether to stay together for now. You don’t have to make any decision beyond today. I know it is deeply unsettling to you to not know whether you’ll be married this time next year. But that is the result of his actions. You get to be mad at him for that. You have to grapple with what he did before you can make any decisions about the future. Your anger, your full understanding, about his actions will come out sooner or later, and the last thing you want is for you both to think you’ve moved past it and 5 years from now suddenly you let yourself be angry for the first time. Be uncomfortable now so you don’t have to be uncomfortable later.

    15. Is there any chance your husband was on a business trip last week? Because someone on a business trip in my city popped up on a dating app asking for the specific thing your husband was asking about doing in your initial post. Maybe a lot of people ask to do that on dating apps while on business, but I thought it was specific (and graphic) enough that it made me think of your post and I was definitely wondering.

    16. I had a similar situation to you. Infidelity with online chatting/videochatting and then actual affairs with 2 women in person. We tried couples and individual therapy, too, but the physical encounters were too much for me. I couldn’t get over it, and I felt guilty about it because he seemed so contrite. I was also depressed and overworked, and he claimed he sought affection elsewhere because I was so unavailable. That seemed manipulative to me. Plenty of people go through rough patches with being overworked and depressed, and their spouses don’t cheat. Honestly, the individual therapy was far more helpful than couples therapy, where I felt like the therapist was very sympathetic to him and encouraging me to give him another chance because he bought me roses or planned a nice date out on the town. My individual therapist helped me realize it’s ok for this to be the dealbreaker. That I wasn’t ending the marriage-it was *his actions* that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

      TL/DR: you have the power to choose your own dealbreakers. You don’t have to justify your decision to anyone but yourself. Sending you hugs from an internet stranger. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Believe me when I say it will get better if you prioritize yourself and your needs. Whatever you choose, I have your back!

      1. Before this came out I would not have said this was a dealbreaker. But it feels much different from how I thought it would feel in the abstract (plus I was totally in the camp of it would never happen to me, so it was completely hypothetical). Not sure what to do with that.

        2. I also don’t think of infidelity as a dealbreaker in a marriage. But there’s a lot more than infidelity going on with what you’ve described. The trickle truthing. The lying. The financial deception. It’s one thing to say, I’d forgive my spouse for having a drunken one night stand. What your husband did is different on a lot of levels. There’s a lot to process, and it’s ok to not be sure how you feel about it.

          1. +1 a pattern (that seems to be ongoing with the OF!) is a different story than a one night mistake

    17. Thank you for checking in again, I’ve been thinking about you. Someone very dear to me went through something quite similar, and I can share what has helped her:

      – Beyond just being allowed to look at his phone, they installed tracking software on his phone so she could see where he was at any time and what websites he had accessed on it, even if he used incognito or cleared history/cookies. They also instituted a rule that if she pinged him, he had to respond within a specified short period of time.
      – In addition to individual and couples therapy, they each joined cheating-focused group therapy. She didn’t stay with hers past one cohort, because she got what she needed quickly, which was the sympathy and embrace of others who had been through the same thing. His lasted longer, and was very structured, with exercises and reading assignments to ensure the cheaters had admitted EVERYTHING, understood their reasons for cheating, and were clear about how they wanted to move forward with honesty.
      – She had to really allow herself to imagine leaving him, and to truly feel her anger and betrayal. Her first instinct was to try to fix the relationship, with the blame solidly on herself. It was only after she let herself be wholeheartedly enraged that she was able to start to forgive. Before that, it was like patching a hole in the wall without fixing the pipe underneath.

      Her early path was very similar to yours – giving him a lot of grace, moving quickly from anger to sadness, focusing on how to fix things – so I want to warn you about what came next. His group mandated that he write up the entire timeline of his unfaithfulness, and that he share it with her. There was so much more than he had initially revealed, and it almost broke her. She had been feeling like they made progress, and that it was all based on lies. That was the closest she came to leaving him, and was about 3 months after the first reveal.

      They have stayed together, and I believe their new relationship is better and stronger than ever. But she’s gone through a lot of heartbreak getting here, and they have both had to do a lot of emotional work. As Senior Attorney says, the only way out is through. I’m wishing you strength and support.

    18. So my former husband didn’t cheat on me (that I know of, at least), but he was horrible to me in other ways. Some years ago I told him if he continued to do X Horrible Thing, I was done. And he did X Horrible Thing, and I was done. I moved out of our bedroom, contacted a lawyer, started taking steps to see what the divided finances would look like, and so on. Well. Once he figured out that I was serious, he promised to change his ways, and go to therapy, and shape up and OMG he loved me so much and didn’t want to lose me, and on and on. And I loved him and we’d been together for a long time, and most notably I REALLY didn’t want to have a second divorce, so… I gave in. I thought we could build something new. And I remember feeling SO RELIEVED that we wouldn’t have to split up the money, and nobody would have to move out, and I wouldn’t have to start over at my advance age of… what? 52? 53?

      Well… you know how the story ends. His good behavior only lasted a very short while, and I spent the next couple of years thinking “if I’d stuck to my guns I’d be in my new life by now.” But… leaving is a process and I’m the last one to judge you for not being ready.

      Hugs, Super Anon.

    19. I came back to offer another thought. When my child died of cancer, I did a lot of blaming myself for it, including topics like I worked too many hours, I didn’t love her dad enough, and the dreaded maybe I didn’t love her enough.

      It took lots of therapy for me to realize what I was doing is called Magical Thinking. It doesn’t feel very magical to blame yourself, but there are lots of us who think that if we just work hard enough, we can control outcomes. It’s easier to accept on a subconscious level that we somehow caused it and therefore could have prevented it, than the actual fact that bad things happen that are outside of our control.

      I see you taking a lot of blame for your husband’s pattern of cheating (and wake up, it is absolutely a pattern.) I think you’re doing some magical thinking yourself. If you’d just done things differently, like not have a challenging career or not suffer from depression, you could have controlled his behavior and he wouldn’t have cheated. But that’s not true and this is not on you. He chose to cheat. A bad thing happened to you that was not your fault and you need to accept that and place blame where it belongs – on him.

      Hugs to you.

    20. You are in denial because you don’t want to blow up your nice life I get it but this guy is bad news. Cheating, Craig’s lists hookups, wtf girl. Do you actually have to walk in on him in bed with someone? Being a workaholic is no excuse. He is blaming you for cheating on you. You need the therapy.Get your ducks in a row and leave.

  5. How would you handle this? I finished law school and started working remotely. We’ve been back in the office some but I’m working primarily at home. There is a pool of people who can give me work. One person in the same office used to have a reputation as a great trainer for junior people but her kids were home with her all last year and she TBH wasn’t great to work for (no training, light feedback via written comments). This year it’s been better if we are in on the same day. I feel like I’m not being a good team player, but I’m not trilled about working for a mom who is really busy with her kids and seems like isn’t really there for me like she was with the few midlevels we have (who are also too busy to train me but also not that senior).Is there a polite way to request more assignments not from her?

    1. I wouldn’t phrase it as ‘less from her’ but rather ‘more from other people’ – ie “I’d like to get more exposure to other people’s methods and practices”

    2. Oh dear Lord, we are in the middle of a pandemic where this poor woman probably had to home school her kids. Cut her some slack, things will be better moving forward. Look to others for training and her as a valuable source of work. You don’t want the reputation of being a fussy eater, and long term you will want her support.

      1. yeah as things ease back to normal it sounds like this woman would be a great mentor – why cut her off NOW? This seems like a short-term strategy, not long-term…

    3. I’d start by going in more and see what you can pick up by who you interact with in person. As a junior lawyer, you really should be there if you can especially if the firm is open. There’s a lot to learn by watching. Take advantage of the flexibility to go home in the evening and finish up or WFH on a weekend, but take advantage of the in-office learning you can do now and the relationships you’ll form there so you’re not dependent on the feeder system.

    5. No.

      And law firms are not known as hot beds for great training (not saying that’s right, just saying it is), so you are going to learn a lot more by observing and asking questions and volunteering for stretch assignments than you are by sitting in your home office hoping someone proactively does this for you.

    6. Oh boy.

      Ask for more work from others if you want.
      But please don’t judge a woman with kids during this time. We handle quarantines, school and daycare closures, the anxiety about our <5 yr old kids not being able to be vaccinated while everybody else is just moving on as if there's no pandemic anymore. Show some compassion.

      1. I don’t think this poster is being judgy. Its completely understandable why this mentor is not a great mentor right now. But it is still to OP’s detriment, and they need to find a way around that for now.

      2. Sadly, I’m going to have to say completely not. I have heard similar things actually voiced out loud. I vote totally real.

    8. I used to be a person who judged other women who didn’t seem as dedicated to work because of kids. Fast forward a few years and I was trying to WFH and parent a one year old in a small NYC apartment in a pandemic while my husband went to his essential worker job through it all at the height of the pandemic. My advice is to show some compassion as you too may one day need it.

    9. Well, shoot. I wonder if this was written about me. That said, in case it is, I have no problem with you asking other people for work. I will be offended if you turn down my work. I promise it is not personal. If it was (i.e., if your work was an issue), I would tell you, but I am just holding on for dear life and training you is low priority right now.

      1. I think that training is low priority for every partner I’ve ever worked for except maybe 1 or 2. I’m sure that the men / Dad partners also aren’t providing a lot of explicit training (beyond: read this first; run a redline and see what I changed on your memo) or feedback.

        TBH, if partners are assigning you work, some of them may work on better projects than others. Or more specific areas. But, TBH, I feel that the work that women do is often regarded by others (especially juniors) as being less-than: less lucrative, less important, less challenging. Unless you can see credits and collection stats, it’s hard to see who really is the best (in a long-term financial sense) person to do work for. And even then, even the uncool work is very important to the clients paying BigLaw $ for someone to do it.

        And go into the office. She can’t easily mentor you if you’re not there in front of her. Ditto any other partners in your actual office.

    10. No training and light feedback via written comments is standard at a law firm. It sounds like she went from being a phenomenal mentor to a normal attorney. Asking not to have other assignments from her will make you look silly.

      I also agree that you should work in the office frequently and focus on building relationships and getting assignments from other attorneys.

    11. As a junior associate, you should only express a desire not to take work from a senior lawyer for really serious reasons – like, this person is verbally abusive, unethical, etc. “I’m not getting the mentorship I want” is not enough of a reason and will make you look entitled and out of touch. Remember, training you is not the firm’s #1 priority – its *a* priority, but the top priority is getting billable work done for clients.

      Seek out work from others, but don’t turn down work from her. And try to learn some grace – someday you’ll be the mom trying to juggle kids, or the kid trying to juggle eldercare, or the wife with a sick spouse.

    13. If no one is training you or giving you feedback then see if you can address that issue. This is a really common gripe from juniors but I’m sure it’s been exacerbated by the pandemic. I would raise this with peers or mid levels before I ran it up the chain, but you may want to raise this with a trusted partner mentor at some point. I would not – as in never ever ever – raise this one partner’s name in a negative way or blame her for not being able to train you, it comes off like you’re punishing her for being a great mentor to others. Maybe the firm should have more than one person who’s actually training associates. Maybe the people she’s trained should pay it forward and train juniors now.

      1. Strong strong agree. I’d also encourage you to speak directly to this person. Obviously do NOT say you seem too busy for me and I’m annoyed, but you could say I know you are one of the best attorneys at providing training and supervision and I’d love to learn more from you, can we check in quarterly for feedback and any mentoring or suggestions you might have?
        Sounds like your firm over-relied on this person in the past and needs to diversify its training and mentoring – but that’s not her fault!

        1. Sure, ask for more individualized attention from this person, but be prepared to take no for an answer and not get all p1ssy and bitter about it.

      2. Yeah, and how much of this mentorship is actually emotional labour / handholding that we expect from women?

        1. I don’t think on the job training is hand-holding or emotional labor, it is critical for businesses to have a pipeline of talent. She may be expecting too much from this one partner, but I don’t think she is expecting too much from the firm overall.

        3. Yup! The working mom thing is a red herring. She trained other associates, now they need to be the trainers.

          If a woman wrote in here that she’s been a great mentor to a lot of people who are now midlevels, we would all tell her to take a big step back and get the mid levels to train juniors. You don’t advance in your career by taking on laborious tasks that others should be doing. She should continue to train the people right under her but she shouldn’t be the primary source of training for juniors. OP should be mad at the mid levels not at the partner.

        4. Absolutely this! As the only female partner in my office and one of the few at my firm, I perceive an outsized expectation placed on me to be a mentor and train juniors as compared to the male partners. Sure, I will do it because it’s part of my job and I think it’s important but I’ve got my own stuff to deal with so I can’t always drop everything. Somehow, no one ever seems to expect the male partners to go out of their way … And don’t even get me started on being judged on “warmth”!

          1. OMG this is so true! Not only am I expected to nurture my own small helpless children, but I am supposed to nurture grownups at work. Truly I am expected to be the office mom (and when I’m older, probably the office grandmother, lord knows there would be nothing else that I should be there to do).

            That said, I’m sure there maybe could be a good use for a warm and nurturing office mom who is there to mentor juniors, give them kind and constructive feedback, ask them about their long range plans, remind them to get their time in, and then give them a cookie when they are down. Doubly-so if they have any professional headwinds with networking or business development or developing themselves apart from being a mere drone. But we are just too price-sensitive for that and have no way to justify that sort of a cost center.

          2. Yes! I have been explicitly told that it’s my job to be the office mom because all of the other senior staff, who happen to be men and childless women, are unwilling to do it or not suited to the task.

      3. I agree with this comment. I can’t help but to compare this post to the one from a senior lawyer a few weeks ago who didn’t think any of the junior or mid level lawyers were worth working with. It isn’t this partner’s sole responsibility to train associates, but if the firm overall isn’t providing enough training for junior associates, it isn’t surprising when associates leave or end up as midlevels with limited experience. The OP graduated this year, so I don’t think it is unreasonable for her to expect some level of feedback.

    14. I think you’re punishing her for (i) being a great trainer and (ii) a working mother who has no capacity for it right now.

      I’m sure there are plenty of male partners who are not great trainers – now or in the past. Are you brainstorming polite ways not to accept work from them?

      The misogyny in this post is unreal

    15. I don’t buy this. I, and all the other working moms I know, work way harder than anyone in our office without kids. We have to in order to prove out dedication to the job. The problem is the childless men who take the morning off to go for a bike ride, then take a long lunch and leave early. Odds are that if this is a real post, and this person actually has declined in her availability to mentor, it’s because she’s overworked. At least that’s what’s happening to me and my colleagues. We are all carrying at least twice the workload we did before the pandemic.

      1. I’m a working mom and I do think that our very junior female associates see us and adjust their thinking like this: rumpled shirt? She’s too busy with the kids. Not chic? She’s frumpy because of the kids. A bit less than trim? She’s lumpy because of the kids. Etc. You just cannot win with some people and it’s straight out of the 1950s. [I swear that the guy associates just have no idea and in some ways it’s nice that they purport to have no awareness except in a very vague way that children and a second spouse live in my house with me.] One even said to me, “You do such a good job as a working mom.” And I think she meant it as a compliment, but she does not seem to realize that my competition for clients and for work isn’t other working moms, it’s all working people everywhere. I am doing a good job period. And when you factor in that I’m doing it with kids and in a pandemic, I’m Superman. The two associates I worked with who had kids got it but then they saw how daunting it was and went to good in-house jobs back in their home cities where they had more grand-parental help.

  6. I’m considering flying to a funeral Saturday. Because of other commitments I’m unable to fly until the morning of. It looks like no flight is running to get me into town early enough to make the actual funeral (early morning). Would it be considered kind or rude to arrive late to the service, or possibly to join the family after the funeral assuming there is a gathering? Or should I stay home and send flowers? These are cousins I see once a year and I want to show them I care beyond just having fun on our annual vacation together.

    2. If you’re going to make the effort, I’d make it all the way. I’ve also never heard of anyone objecting or not being understanding about having to cancel something to attend a funeral. What do you have going on that prevents you from leaving Friday?

    3. I wouldn’t say it’s rude, exactly, but somewhat pointless? If you’re going to go to the effort, be there the whole time.

    4. I think any attempt to be there would be appreciated given that you are not THAT close and a flight away, as long as you are not high maintenance about it – e.g. take care of all the logistics yourself, arrive dressed appropriately, slip in quietly and stand in the back, etc. At least it would be in my family.

      2. Yep – this. I’ve had to do this before – a funeral of an uncle I wasn’t particularly close with, but I wanted to be there to be supportive of his kids (who I was closer with). They just appreciated that I’d flown to be there for them and that was enough.

    5. It’s not rude and if all the cousins are geographically together for only a couple of days then it’s the best you can do. If everyone is geographically close, though, I wonder if it might be better to visit a week or so after the funeral. So many people show support right after a death, and then it’s just silence while everyone else moves on with their lives. It might be a real kindness to visit after the initial hubbub has calmed down.

  7. Jenni Kayne is all over my social media feeds. It seems like it is marketed as some life-changing casual-wear, but 1) I am not sure that casual-wear is life-changing and 2) this is casual-wear, right? After the past 2 years, I’m not sure what is “California office attire” vs casual attire vs mom wear vs denim styles that only teens wear. It’s all a blur.

    And yet, I’m up a size, our office is casual, and I do need to buy something now that we’re reopening.

    1. I’d be cautious of sweaters with a dropped shoulder? I’m not obsessed with things making me look thin or being flattering, but I’m wearing one today and I swear I look like I have the tiniest pin head.

    2. Most of JK seems to unstructured to me to be workwear, even casual workwear. I would instead visit Everlane and buy some structured non-jean pants and closer fitting sweaters. Don’t overbuy, just buy a few pieces so you can squeak through the week, and then get additional ideas from seeing your colleagues.

    4. It’s all over my feed too, but I am not a fan. It looks so dull and easy to copy of you like the look. I think the bloggers who shill it get it for free and none that I follow have office jobs. I’d call it fancy carpool wear, and I’d feel like a frump wearing it to my super casual office. Oatmeal is not a color that does wonders for many people.

      1. OP here — I agree with the Oatmeal comment. My coloring is dark with ruddy skin and oatmeal makes me look like I’ve been on a bender and been up all night (in a bad way, not in any sort of louche / cool way). Maybe it’s clothing for blonde California moms?

        1. I made the oatmeal comment and I am a blonde CA mom and it doesn’t work for me at all!

    5. While I aspire to a life and budget that justifies CA pricey casual (James Perse and Jenni Kayne), I ordered a few cashmere sweaters 2ish years ago and was not impressed by the quality or how they made me look, so I sent them back. They didn’t seem worth the price. Fantasy did not live up to reality.

    7. This doesn’t look like workwear at all, even in a more relaxed office environment.

    8. i bought their boots last winter when there was a sale of some sort. I don’t love them but I wear them bc they were still so expensive. My conclusion is JK is overpriced….. I guess I’m pushing middle-age but the models and pictures look amazingly aspirational to me….. but I haven’t bought anything else.

      1. +1. I hadn’t heard of them but if I’m putting down $325 for a pair of jeans they better be hand-sewn by God himself

    9. I’ll be the contrary voice here. I have a few JK sweaters and love them all. But they are NOT office attire. It’s just a nicer version of the “mom wear” I was schlepping about in already, now better quality and sweaters instead of sweatshirts. Maybe it’s because I previously had never purchased better cashmere than, say, Everlane level, but I just love the weight and feel of the sweaters. I have the cashmere hoodie, cashmere cocoon cardigan, and two of the much thinner merino crewnecks. They were early pandemic purchases, so a year and a half later they are holding up beautifully. I throw the cocoon over basically everything and have gotten a lot of compliments on it from people I consider fashionable, so I think with the right styling– over a cami, slip dress, etc.– it can read fashion-forward.

      1. Completely agree. I have their fisherman sweater and while it’s not life changing, it IS noticeably better quality than similar sweaters I used to buy from everlane or j. Crew. It’s part of my buy fewer nicer things project. I’d treat it like that- habe you bought that type of thing in the past? Do you need to replace it? Then buy Jk and get a nicer version this time. But no, it’s not some super fancy or fashionable wardrobe upgrade.

  8. Paging Ribena – I bought the Passenger rucksack you recommended and it is so good! Slightly bigger than I was expecting but will be great for my weekly commuting, and for other travel.

  9. Based on a recommendation from the hive, I bought a pair of Vionics flats, and while they are very supportive, they make my feet sweat! Can anyone recommend any other brand of shoes that is supportive but won’t make my feet sweat? I’m headed back to the office in a few weeks, and I need some great flats.

    1. Try removing the insoles and putting them in other shoes (they’re removable with most styles). Vionic sells insoles only as well. It really is hard to beat their support.

    2. For me this happens when the insole (and/or shoe) is synthetic rather than leather.

      1. That’s why I think moving the insoles might not solve the issue, because the insoles themselves may not be leather.

  10. reposting frm yesterday, feel like i got in late
    PANTS!

    After my coworker wore a pair of dark, dark green high-waisted wool dress pants to thanksgiving, I haven’t been able to get them off my mind. But when everything has gone athleisure, I’ve spent 45 minutes searching without luck

    2. If it’s your coworker, I would just ask her. She would be thrilled at the compliment.

    5. Banana has had some great dress pants lately, but they tend to sell out as soon as they drop. I’m loving all their work clothes these days, enough to get things that are backordered.

      1. I know it’s been said before, but I’ll say again that I wish Banana’s work pants were lined (and mostly wool blends) the way they all were when I worked there back in the late 90s. I’ve hesitated to pull the trigger on work pants since many of the reviews say the pants are thin and itchy.

        1. I got some wool knit trouser from them recently. The description didn’t mention lining, but they are indeed lined!

  11. Can someone give me a “add volume to your hair for dummies”? I have mid-back length hair and it’s pretty straight. I’ve only ever owned a hair straighter until I bought the fan favorite Revlon dryer brush thing this summer. I like the volume it’s helped to add but I want a bit more. Not going for full on beach wave, but would like to experiment some. Do I need a wand? A curling iron? What size barrel? I work in a professional environment, approaching 40 years old, and would like to add a little something to my hair so it’s not always so straight. Where do I start? Any products that are extra helpful?

      1. hahaha i am imagining putting an actual mouse in your hair and letting it run around. Ensuing snarls and panic probably would increase volume?

    3. how would you feel about going shorter? not a huge chop but even going to shoulder length rather than mid-back takes a lot of literal weight off your roots.

    4. mousse + one of those big-barrel curlers that you can clip into the front parts of your hair right after blowing drying. maybe with hairspray. but maybe i’m thinking cindy crawford circa 1991?

      1. Going to need to break this down fully for me (I’m of an age that we used to legitimately put our hair on an ironing board and iron it straight for high school dances… yikes.) – what’s my order of operations? Wash hair, blow dry, mousse then curl/whatever? Hairspray when done to trap fly-aways? Or, does spray go on before curling? If so, do I also use mousse?

        1. Wash hair, apply mousse while hair is wet/damp, blow dry. When dry or close to it, add Velcro rollers near face and crown of head. Hair spray can go before or after rollers, but I use it on dry hair.

          Also: use a lightweight conditioner and apply to the bottom half of your hair only.

    5. Is your hair dense or thin? It it coarse or fine? Meaning, how many strands per square inch, and (separately) what is the diameter of individual strands.

      The solution is different depending on those two factors.

      1. Fine and dense (thin individual strands, and thick hair). I have long layers cut in, too. I don’t want to go shorter, which someone else asked.

        People recommended mousse. Favorite brands? Willing to spend for some good product!

        1. Mousse when hair is wet, then dry upside down. Use a large golf ball size blob at first. I’m cheap and think the Loreal Volume mousse works okay. (I have similar hair). You might also try salt spray.

          1. I have hair like this (fine and dense). I’ve used Tressemme mousse. John Frieda also has a leave-in spray (spray on roots while hair is wet/damp) that helps with volume. I think Volume Lift Thickening Spray was what I’ve used. Another thing to try is microfiber towels – if your hair is like mine, it absorbs water like a sponge, the microfiber towel will suck more water out and dry it faster – it’s hard to get volume with sopping wet hair.

            I have the Revlon brush dryer. I dry my hair probably about 70% of the way with a regular dryer, then use the brush dryer. I like it a lot – not sure it adds a ton of volume but I think it does help.

    6. The internet served me ads for the Tyme styler (waving and flat iron in one) and while it was tricky to figure out at first, is now the best thing I’ve ever owned – easy to make beach’s bigger waves in my longer hair. Very SJP in the wild.

    8. On where to start, ask your hairdresser. Go in with your hair styled as you do it, tell them that you want more volume. Chance are with mid-back hair part of the answer will be that your hair needs to be a bit shorter (gravity wins) but a lot of layers can help. Also, when they recommend products, buy them.

  12. Just a PSA to get your colonoscopy if you have been putting it off. I am 51 and had my first one last week (thanks to all the great tips that were shared here the prep was tolerable) and they found two pre-cancerous polyps. I need to go back in 5 years. I’m glad they were found and removed and I’m even more motivated now to eat a high fiber diet.

    1. Glad you went and they were able to remove the polyps. So many people don’t understand that colonoscopies aren’t just screening tools. In many cases they remove polyps that might become cancer, thus actually reducing the chances you will develop cancer. It’s very different than a mammogram (although those are important too$.

    2. Second this. Also want to add that if you are younger but have any concerning symptoms in that area (including ANY blood in your stool or on the paper), go to the doctor to get it checked out. I had to do that and they also found polyps. It’s so tempting to just assume it’s something negligible, but colon cancer is on the rise among younger people and we need to stay on top of symptoms.

      1. I have a cousin who died in his 40s of colon cancer (both parents still healthy and alive). It was fast, too. Like gone in a year. And my cousin is not Chadwick Boseman, who we lost way too soon.

    3. My husband’s father had colon cancer and they wouldn’t test him any earlier than 50. My grandmother had colon cancer AND I’ve frequently had blood in my stool since having kids and doc has just said hemorrhoids. I guess I should push for a colonoscopy next time I see my doc though (I’m 42).

      1. That’s crazy. You and your husband need to push harder. My FIL had colon cancer and my H has been getting colonoscopies since 35.

      2. Please push your doctor. He/she should not be ignoring the blood in your stool, given the recent statistics about how colon cancer diagnoses have gone way up for people in their 40s. A friend of a friend of mine was blown off by her doctor after reporting blood in the toilet and right-sided abdominal pain because she was only 37. It was colon cancer, and she died at 39. Keep asking until you can get a screening, or go to a different doctor.

      4. Yes. My mom was just diagnosed with colon cancer. Her doctor recommended that my sister and I start regular checks at 40 because of the family history.

      5. OMG!!! I want to light your doctor on file. Go to your doctor messaging chart app and say “I have blood in my stool and family history of colon cancer. Please put in orders for a colonoscopy.” Don’t take no for an answer.

        I told myself that the blood in my stools was hemorrhoids too. My bowel issues were just fallout from the pandemic lockdown, bad diet, etc. Anemia because I have heavy periods. I chewed ice because I was dehydrated. NOPE, Stage 3 colon cancer ultimately diagnosed in the ER. Don’t be me. Escalate with your doctor or find a new one. Hell, call the colo-rectal specialist office and ask them how to get scheduled for a colonoscopy.

      6. omg WHAT. DH’s sister has precancerous polyps and that was enough to win him a trip to regular colonoscopies starting at 33 years old. Find a new doctor.

  13. Seeking some perspective…

    My partner recently learned that his father is in the process/intends to give him $2mil in a “living inheritance.” This is totally out of left field, much more money than we thought he had, and a huge amount of money given our salaries. While we are comfortable and get lots of “wants”, this would be a life changing amount of money.

    It’s already stressing us out. Partner’s initial response was to tell his father no, and expressed some hurt and embarrassment to me (“does he think I need this?” “that I don’t make enough money?” “is he embarrassed about how I live?” “what are the strings?” etc. etc.) Needless to say, they have a complicated relationship, and as an outsider, I agree the father does actively try to buy his children’s love. However, actually turning down the money would probably kill the father/son relationship entirely, and frankly, $2mil is a life changing amount of money that is hard to turn down.

    Beyond that, there’s a real question of what this money would mean to our own relationship. We’ve always made around the same amount of money, no kids and no intention on kids. We keep finances “officially” separate, but record keeping is poor and most spending is mutually agreed on. $2mil, if he wanted to actually spend any of it, or any of the investment gains/etc, would change the calculus and we wouldn’t be able to split things evenly anymore. It feels weird that he would just pay for our nicer vacation, or a nicer car than we would otherwise get, or whatever because he could and I couldn’t. Even if he didn’t spend it and just let it grow, having that as a retirement asset (plus a $$$$ pension) would mean he wouldn’t need to save for retirement, while I still would.

    All that to say. We are in the early days and wish this would all go away. Have others been through a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Please no advice for tax accountant, financial planner, etc. we are very familiar with that aspect. It’s the social implications we are struggling with…

    1. I’ve been through the exact opposite situation. My FIL refused to do estate planning, and his huge savings and pension were sucked away by his dementia home and a corrupt local elder court that filed charges against us to try to get even more money.

      In your position, I’d be thankful that FIL is of sound enough mind to carefully plan for what he wants done with his money, instead of helplessly watching it be pissed away on bureaucrats.

    2. 1. I think it’s very weird that you guys are both treating a windfall with such suspicion and negativity. 2. It’s his family and his inheritance so your feelings are mostly irrelevant but… 3. Yes, it would be mostly stupid to turn it down.

      1. This. Also not that uncommon. If you were married, invest together but this is basically his separate property.

        1. OP here – I’m staying out of it and not saying much, which I think is stressing him out more as he thinks about it/us. But it does affect “us” to the extent that he would want to take theoretical $10k joint vacations while my budget would be for a $5k joint vacation (example numbers). So what, he just doesn’t get to do those things? Or he covers me? These are really new things to us, and we are in careers with very set salaries where we have a good idea what each of us will be making forever, so this isn’t a future we have foreseen, except through sickness/disability, which raises different consdiderations.

          1. Well, I wouldn’t look at it as spending money unless you want to destroy the life changing aspect. I’d think about a home, investing, etc. and that’s where it can change your life if you stay together.

          2. I had the inheritance below, and I can tell you for the vacation example, I would have “covered” the amount above what my spouse could contribute because I wanted our shared life to be more fun or more convenient, etc. I wouldn’t have thought twice about that. Yes, the money is legally mine and I get to decide how to spend it, but one of my spending considerations was that I wanted to spend it to make our mutual lives better. I can’t really wrap my head around someone who wouldn’t view money that way.

          3. OP replying to below, but it won’t let me nest: I mean, we already have a home we are very happy with and wouldn’t have to upgrade, we already have good retirement savings, and substantial pensions, and live in Canada so end of life costs (while not cheap), are not as big of a consideration. The change this would make it our life would be making everything easier on a day to day basis, as we wouldn’t have to be as disciplined about every decision to keep “on track” for our savings goals, etc.

          4. Since you are in Canada, I would consider using the money for a cottage. At least among my friend group, they are either passed down or purchased with inheritance. Think of this as a place to build happy memories with your family.

    3. DH and I have discussed this as there’s a chance it could happen to us, as inheritance. His parents are very close about money but they are likely sitting on $10M driving a 14 year old car.

      We plan to use any money like that to (1) buy a vacation home (2) buy income property and (3) pay for the kids college.

      We are saving for college assuming no help, but doing so in a way that if there are large inheritance dollars, kids get more college paid for.

      The income from the rentals/real estate would be kept separately. We would want to pass that and the vacation home onto our kids.

    4. Has he considered giving this all away to charity or another cause? Maybe start a scholarship fund at his Alma mater? What he does with the money from dad is none of dad’s business and dad never has to know. Is your partner as concerned about the social implications? If so, this would be a fine alternative if partner has already expressed not wanting to receive it.

    5. Why are you assuming this would be kept separate? It’s insane to plan fully separately for retirement.

    6. Something similar though not to this magnitude happened to me. I inherited a little more than $400k from a distant cousin when I was married. Although it’s not in the millions, it was (is!) a life changing amount, especially in my LCOL area.

      My husband at the time and I had totally merged finances, but our financial planner advised us to put the inheritance in an account that was just in my name. I ended up using a portion of it as a down payment for a house we could afford the mortgage for but would have had to save many years to get the down payment. We decided to “decide later” on the rest of it (about $350k) and just parked it in an investment account because we could afford our lifestyle. The marriage no longer exists, but the investment account does. I also haven’t used any more of the money, but it provides a huge amount of comfort for me to know that if I need it, it’s there. It also enabled me to take a lower paying job for a few years without worrying about whether I was meeting retirement goals.

      There was no scenario where I would have used it to make my life better or more comfortable while he stayed at our previous standard of living (the scenario above where he gets nicer cars but you don’t). I viewed us as a team and that the money was money for our team. I would not have felt resentful in the least to use it in ways to make our mutual lives better or more fun. So for you, I’d say not to assume your spouse will feel weird or resentful about spending the money relatively equally for both of you.

    7. It would be really stupid to turn it down. Upgrade your lifestyle a bit and save a lot more for retirement. Speaking as someone whose grandmother burned through $5M in assets after she got dementia, unless you come from family wealth or have really high salaries, it’s really hard to be sure you have “enough” for retirement. If you don’t want to change your current lifestyle, fine, but accept it and save it for the future as insurance against a worst case scenario. Set up giving plans with charities you care about so the money will go to a good cause if you die before using all of it.

      1. +1. There is absolutely no reason for your partner to turn down this gift.

        FWIW, I am a T&E lawyer at a big firm and deal with people making gifts substantially larger than this on a regular basis, and never in my nearly 15 years of practice has a child turned down a gift from a parent or “wish(ed) this would all go away”.

    8. It sounds like you two have pretty poor communication if your reaction to $2M is that you wish it would go away … I’d explore couples counseling to work through all the dynamics here.

    9. 1. Take the money!!!
      2. Decide how how your marriage will address financial disparity in general. You make the same amount of money now, but that was never a guarantee. If one of you was suddenly disabled, would the disabled spouse live like a pauper because you could split everything? If one of you unexpectedly starting making a ton of money, would you really split everything 50/50? The $2M is bringing the issue to the forefront, but you both should be discussing this issue any way.

        2. OP – No, long-term not married, although we are common law in our province where there is almost no distinction. Whether married or common law, the money becomes “ours” if comingled and stays his if kept separate. The advice is always for everyone to keep it separate under all circumstances, as it leaves the options open going forward.

    10. I understand that feelings around money can be complicated – my wife received an unexpected inheritance from a relative she had a complicated relationship with, and it stirred up a lot. But it would be tremendously foolish to turn this down. As others have said the future is uncertain.

      1. OP here – I’m glad someone at least can understand that receiving money from family isn’t all sunshine and roses. The father who is giving the money is not a great guy. For long periods of time 2 of his 3 adult kids wouldn’t speak with him for pretty legitimate reasons. That is currently down to 1 of 3, but these are not close and warm relationships. Despite living in the same town, he is seen on major holidays only. There’s a lot going on and reason to be…concerned…about how the money may rock the current equilibrium and make things worse. For one, we have no idea if the other siblings are being offered the same money. If they aren’t, that would probably annihilate they sibling relationship, which is more important than the father relationship…but also that’s an awkward thing to ask of either father or the siblings.

        1. Yeah, I get the dynamic. In your partner’s shoes, I would drop the money in an investment account and let it fester while determining what sort of strings are attached to it. No one says he needs to spend the money. With time, perhaps he figures out how to give it away (including to his siblings depending on how that shakes out.). Maybe it sits until his Dad actually dies and then you’re free to dream big with it.

        2. My dad received a small inheritance from his mom after she died. They were estranged (for very good reason) after years of hurt. She was a deeply judgmental, hateful person. My dad didn’t want the money, so he donate it all to a local chapter of GLAAD, which she would have hated. So petty, so hilarious.

    11. Take the money. I watched the difference between a person who received large sums of family money during the prime of his lifetime (my grandfather) and someone who only received a lot of money in her senior years (my mother). I would be grateful for either, but absolutely choose the life of someone who received it during their prime. It affords a lot of flexibility in decisionmaking that a late-in-life inheritance does not. Thank your FIL for this. And frankly, it gives FIL less emotional leverage than withholding it does. Acknowledge that.

    13. It may take time for each of you to get used to the fact that this kind of money exists. Your current feelings may change as you each decide what you’re comfortable with and not. Give yourself time, read about “sudden wealth syndrome”

    14. I kind of think the funds are a red herring. What is sounds like is that you don’t have a good clear arrangements of how you share money now, or what the future will look like for you two financially, and adds dollars to the equation is just highlighting that.

      50/50 sounds like a default you fell into, so I think I’d back up and look at the bigger picture – if one of you lost your job, how would spending work? What if you got a huge raise?

      My now-spouse and I lived together for quite a whole before marriage, and even now we don’t merge finances. I’ve always made more than him (by 3-4x) and also have way more savings/wealth. So we’ve had to navigate this our entire relationship. We look at relative income, how critical the expense is for big ticket things, and generally the person who wants the fancier version kicks in a bit more (e.g. for vacation, if I want to stay in the fancier hotel, I kick in to cover it).

    15. I’m curious as to why all of your scenarios involve spending the money rather than investing/saving it. It could be a college fund for your kids. It could be a nice nest egg to allow one or both of you to retire early – by itself, it’s not enough to retire young, but I mean retiring at 55 vs 65 or something like that.

      Accept the money graciously, do not start living like “millionaires” because if you do that it will be gone in a flash. Live off your salaries with a little extra security in the bank. It’s foolish to do anything else.

      1. Also, having read more comments upstream. Do not suggest your partner stop saving for retirement. Do not count on a pension. If you’re common law spouses you probably have some sort of community property law that says this inheritance is fully your partner’s, while your retirement accounts funded while you’ve been together are 50% his. Tread carefully.

  14. My meetings and appointments this week span more than 14 hours each day, not including fitting in actual work. I LOVE international cross-functional teams. *snarf*

    1. Ugh, that sounds horrible. Would anyone be grateful if you offered to cancel? I’m doing research interviews with civil servants and academics in Australia and my goodness, there are a lot of timezones.

  15. Family (non animated) movie recommendations? Kids are 6 & 8.
    Posting here and not the moms site because you don’t have to have kids to recommend a good move :-). Harry Potter movies are out until they finish the books.

    Already watched and loved:
    Mary poppins
    Homeward bound (1 & 2)
    Parent trap (Lohan version)
    Willy Wonka
    Annie
    Newsies
    Chitty chitty bang bang
    Sound of music
    Worst witch series
    Muppet treasure island

    On deck:
    ET
    Hook
    Matilda (maybe)
    Other muppet films

    1. Princess Diaries 1 and 2
      Ramona and Beezus (my husband and I love this one even more than our kids do)
      School of Rock, but maybe more for the 8-year-old
      That Thing You Do
      Star Wars episodes IV, V, VI, VII
      Indiana Jones if it won’t be too scary for your kids
      Miracle, about the 1980 US Olympic ice hockey team
      The Rookie
      The Water Horse
      The Pirates of Penzance
      If you can find it, the Mary Martin Peter Pan TV special, color version–the B&W ones are not nearly as good
      Singin’ in the Rain
      White Christmas
      Cool Runnings

      1. We showed our son Star Wars episodes IV, V and VI when he was 7 or 8 and he immediately got obsessed with the movies and the characters, just like we did when we had seen the movies in the theater at that same age.

    2. The Wilderness Family, Home Alone 1 and 3, The Secret Garden, The Little Princess.

    3. Enchanted made us literally laugh out loud. The sequel to Mary Poppins wasn’t bad either.

    5. At that age, I remember loving movies with animals: the Beethoven movies, Milo and Otis, 101 Dalmations (there is a non-animated version). I still think Honey We Shrunk the Kids is hilarious as an adult and Jumanji is awesome haha.

      1. OMG Jumanji made me crazy. I just kept thinking “who is going to clean up all this mess??”

    6. Thinking back to my early 90’s childhood faves-

      Home Alone
      Beethoven
      Father of the Bride
      Mrs. Doubtfire

      1. oh and Miracle on 34th Street – I personally prefer the original for many reasons but the courtroom scene with the mail is 100% funnier than the dollar bill argument in the remake, sorry Mara :)

        1. That scene is my favorite! I’ve never seen the remake and if that scene is gone…sacrilege!!!

          1. That scene is my favorite! I’ve never seen the remake and if that scene is gone…sacrilege!!!

    8. Wizard of Oz, Free Willy, Beethoven, George of the Jungle, Babe, Mrs. Doubtfire, Air Bud series, The Secret Garden (I think there’s a new version too but I’m thinking of the one from the 90s), Little Princess, Cool Runnings, Field of Dreams, The Rookie, The Sandlot, Madeline, Harriet the Spy, Matilda

    9. Most of my favorites have already been mentioned, but back in my childhood when you had to go browse the Blockbuster for whatever movie they happened to have in stock, I ended up with the 1960s version of Swiss Family Robinson and enjoyed that. Also, because I was a horse girl, The Black Stallion and National Velvet. (I don’t recall how old I was when I watched these, so you might want to check if they’re good for a 6 year old, though 8 should be fine)

      1. oh I’d forgotten about Swiss Family Robinson! I remember even as a kid it was funny – in a good way – how obviously fake some of the props were. Like when they roll all the “logs” down the hill and they’re bouncing around like the styrofoam they were!

      2. I used to like it as a kid, but I will say it hasn’t aged very well. I watched it last year and it was so much more obvious that there was no kind of animal rights oversight in all the scenes involving wildlife. It put a bad taste in my mouth. I wish the movie would get remade to modern standards, though – Disney has remade everything else so maybe it’s coming.

    10. Because of Winn Dixie
      Bed Knobs and Broomsticks
      Pollyanna (my 6 yr old loves it, my 9 yr old not as much)

    11. The Princess Bride
      Babe

      And last but certainly not least: PADDINGTON 2! It is seriously the Most Awesome Movie. We have watched it a million times, and it’s just so f—ing sweet. I cannot recommend this enough! (Paddington is also good, but #2 is seriously fabulous.)

      (I know you said no animated, but there are many good ones out there! We have loved The Lego Movie, Moana, Wall-E, Up, Toy Story, We Bare Bears Movie)

    13. My daughter liked these when she was younger:
      Waterhorse
      Whale Rider
      Pete’s Dragon live action (though she was really distressed by the treatment of the dragon at one point)
      The Princess Bride
      If you celebrate Christmas, The Santa Clause movies are good
      Charlotte’s Web
      Stuart Little

      Now she is a teenager who loves movies that are way to scary for me!

    15. Lots of good recommendations, but I have to add:

      It Takes Two! Both in its own right, and in general. All four of the stars (the Olsen twins, Steve Guttenberg, Kirstie Alley) did a ton of live action films in the 90s that I watched as a kid.

      Hook, Flubber, and most other things Robin Williams did. Some of the jokes went over my head as a kid (see: The Birdcage) but I still found even his adult stuff entertaining.

      Don’t forget The Witches if you like Road Dahl. And Jim Henson Studios also did The Dark Crystal and The Labyrinth. The Pirates of the Caribbean movies are a little later but also good.

    18. The original Herbie movies. We re-watched them recently and they help up better than expected. All enjoyed.

  16. Trying to get back into online dating post-divorce. I haven’t dated in 10+ years, so feel very out of practice. Used the apps and chatted with someone last week and set up a date for Saturday night. Saturday afternoon I went to message him (in the app) to confirm we were still on and saw that he had unmatched. Clearly this is a casualty of online dating and dating in general (though definitely not a boost to my ego or motivation to keep dipping my toes back in…_). Question: do you usually exchange numbers before dates? Obviously even if we had, he could have not answered, not shown up, etc. The last time I online dated it was very much – ~gasp~ don’t give your phone number to a stranger from the internet. Just wondering what’s considered normal.

    1. I would give my phone number before the first date, partially because it’s much easier logistically to communicate that way vs. in the app.

    2. I like to meet people relatively early instead of exchanging lots of messages on the apps, so I go on a lot of first dates. I don’t give my number out till I meet the person in person, cause it can be used to find my full name, address, etc. via one of the cheap phone number lookup sites. I’ve gone in two many dates with weird guys.

      If the first date goes well, I’m willing to give my number out before date 2.

    3. I hated messaging in-app, so I would share my number once we had firm plans for a first meet-up (time, date, location). Also chiming in to say good luck and don’t get discouraged. I was in your shoes almost two year ago, and felt so intimidated about wading back into dating (I was married for so long that I had never done online dating prior to my divorce). I met lots of fun people and several folks who weren’t for me. Then I met my current spouse, and everything clicked.

  17. I switched jobs this fall. I wasn’t necessarily unhappy at my previous job, but they couldn’t really articulate what my next steps were and I jumped at the opportunity for a big pay raise and the “right” next title. I think I was also really burned out and probably would have been happy to go back to my old job after the few weeks I took off between jobs. I hate the new place and I can’t tell if I hate it because I’m new or because it’s truly wrong. I changed industries but same job function and the culture is really ‘snippy,’ a lot of the processes are unique to the industry, and the groundwork really wasn’t laid like I thought it was for the changes that they said they hired me for. I think I could totally go back to my old company, either for a similar or potentially expanded role. Should I call my old boss? Or does it just feel bad to be new and I should suck it up? Advice?

    1. have you stayed in touch with your boss? If you left on good terms, can you think of a good excuse to call/catch up/network and play it by ear? it might not be the right time to go back, but if they leave the conversation thinking you might be open a follow up convo after the new year might be in order.

    2. Yes, it feels bad to be new. There is stuff you don’t know, people you don’t know, you feel incompetent, and it can feel like a “step backward” to have to be taught stuff and not be competent at it.

      Does that mean you should just suck it up? I have no idea. I do know you shouldn’t conflate “I dislike being new and not knowing how to do stuff and being out of my comfort zone” with “this job is wrong for me.” I also know that going back to a former place or stage of our lives is not always the fix we think it will be.

      That said, I’ve changed jobs, knew it was wrong, and gone back (after a good stretch at the new job). I’ve also endured a poor fit for longer than I wanted to, because I knew it was the right step. Whatever you choose, treat this whole thing as a learning experience and a way to build some grit and endurance for handling transitions. (Because new job or old job, it’s going to be transitions for you, for a while yet.)

  18. Trying to replicate the Dry Bar experience at home, including the curls at the bottom. I’ve never used a curling iron/wand, but I have long, thick hair that holds a curl well. Any recommendations for a specific curling iron/wand? I would like a fool-proof one, and I anticipate using it sporadically (probably 1-2x/month). Do I need one with interchangeable barrels?

    1. Get the Three Day Bender curling iron from Dry Bar. Watch the YouTube tutorials and have fun with it.

    2. See above, I recommend that Tyme styler – it’s basically the dry bar look. I also bought their brand of dry shampoo and shine mist and can get my hair 90% there now on my own.

  19. Would love some positive house hunting stories. Put in another offer today (NY suburbs) and have a bad feeling we will be outbid again by an all cash, no contingencies offer that’s $100k+ over asking.

    Sigh.

    1. If you’re still reading, this is not necessarily a happy ending for me yet but I’m in a similar market. We had been working with a so-so realtor and missing out on purchases for things you described. We got very close to buying a home by switching to a realtor who had specific knowledge of our neighborhood and a strong record of buying homes in that particular tiny area. We ended up backing out at the last minute because it wasn’t the right time for us to buy, but the house we almost purchased sold at exactly what the realtor predicted it would, and he had the technology and experience to get us in to see it and inspect it in order to be competitive, and he didn’t waste our time with looking at homes that weren’t realistic for us to be competitive for. He was honest with us and worked with our budget and limitations. If this is something you’re concerned about, the right realtor can help stack everything in your favor as much as can be done. Best of luck, I know it can be so frustrating!

  20. Seeking some perspective on requesting permanent WFH. I have a unicorn job — federal agency, great pay and work-life balance, interesting work, lots of upward mobility. I love the substance of the work and have a great management chain all the way up. They are going to require everyone to come back 2 days a week except for people who already were on permanent WFH. I have several colleagues who work remotely in different time zones.
    My husband desperately wants to leave the DC area. I said that he needs to find a job in his target location and then I will make the pitch to go permanent WFH. At that point if it was clear I was moving, I think work may allow me to go remote if the other option was quitting.
    He thinks I should pitch to go permanent now, before I have to go back into the office, and then we move in the spring. His view is that if he leaves his job he can help facilitate the move and then will be better positioned to network and find something new in the new city. While I think that it would be easier to move that way, I don’t think I have as strong of a case for WFH if it’s just a request to move without family circumstances driving it. We would be moving to a lower cost area where I could fully support us indefinitely even with a geographic adjustment, if it took him a long time to find a job. It’s less likely that any job he found in new area could be completely support us but it’s possible.
    WWYD?

    2. It seems like you’ll only have one option to make the pitch, right? So if you try to argue for permanent WFH now, get turned down as you’re still local, and then go make the pitch later as “… what about since I’m moving to [new state?]” you might lose credibility? I’d hold off on making the argument as it doesn’t sound like you have grounds for it now, and likely will in the near future.

    3. I’d wait, I think right now your org may be fearful of the floodgates for saying yes. In time, I think things will settle down and you’d have better luck.

    5. Does his job even exist in the LCOL area? How many openings are there? What if he never finds a job? I would feel a lot of resentment if I were the only one working indefinitely for no other reason than my partner quit without a plan. Also, have you ever lived on only you salary, or do you just think it can be done? What happens if the federal government has another prolonged shutdown? Or you get COVID/something else and need a prolonged hospitalization?

      I think the question of whether you ask to be permanent WFH (which is fine, tbh) is different than whether you agree to your husband quitting and moving to a new place without a job lined up.

    6. I’d wait until you have the compelling reason to ask, rather than risk being lumped in with “just another person reluctant to come back to the office at all” decisionmaking.

    7. Just pitch it as “we are moving in the spring due to my husband’s career” and you need to WFH. why mention when the husband is getting the job, etc? he is pushing the move for his job in the spring. why do you need to be flat-footed about whether he already has the job?

      My husband and I both searched for jobs in DC at the same time. We each said in our interviews that we were moving because of the other’s career changes. it was true for both of us.

      1. I wouldn’t do it prematurely though, wait until there’s an actual job and a decision to make. Otherwise OP is putting a target on her back.

    8. What happens if you move and he can’t find a job in the new location? I would wait for many reasons, but one of the big ones would be because I’m not ok with my husband being a stay at home spouse. Although I could technically manage our bills myself, we would have to cut significantly bank on our wants and I think i would resent him for it. I work cause I need the money, not because I love it.

      If you would be fine with him staying at home and also really want to move to new location, could you approach your boss about what the process for requesting a remote position is? What they think the likelihood of it being granted are? Basically, go on a fact finding mission to determine whether this is at all possible, whether now or when he finds a new job in new location.

      1. Yes this. Awesome for him he’s cool with spending months not working but idk why you should be.

    9. No way would I agree to my husband’s quitting his job before he had another lined up.

    10. You’re right and he is wrong. A huge part of getting a “yes” to WFH (when it isn’t universally allowed) is knowing what state laws will apply to you. Asking before you know where you’re going is pointless.

    11. Do you want to move? Could you move up remotely at current job? What about leaving friends and family? I would not ask until he has an offer in hand.

    12. If you are at a federal agency, there should be a process for this–so investigate that before doing anything else. At my agency, you have to work your way up to it – 1 day a week, then 2 days a week the next year, then 3 days a week the year after, etc. Your salary may also be drastically decreased for a lower cost of living.

  21. I’d like to buy a 20oz coffee mug, so I stop using the single use disposible cups at coffee shops. I only need my coffee to stay hot for about an hour. And it needs to fit in my small cupholder in my car. Must be a 20oz cup. Suggestions?

    1. Contigo has many options that would work! i like the stainless ones as they are top shelf dishwasher safe – i also dishwash the ones that are painted, but eventually the pain starts to wear.

      1. +1. Contigo fits well in my Subaru’s small cupholders. Definitely stay away from the painted ones. They start looking rough after a while even though they’re still perfectly functional. I am not going to handwash coffee mugs; I’m just not.

        1. Thank you both for the helpful information. DW safe is a preference, but not mandatory. The info on your small cup holders is right on for me. I’ll check out Contigo.

  22. I know that Patagonia is for women who are pretty straight up and down. Are there outerwear brands that are more pear-friendly (that I could use my REI gift card for)? I like Athleta for pear-friendly options, but am always worried that real roughing it will ruin my items that are more for the gym or a day of city strolling. So many items I’ve tried fit in the hips or the waist but not both and it seems silly to get alterations on something from REI.

      1. +1. The Kuhl Strattus pants are my fave for this. Perfect for pears, very durable – I’m still wearing the pair I got in 2017 and they’ve held up well to some serious abuse. They’ve also fit me well over a 20-lb weight range.

    3. I’m curvy and Patagonia regular fit tops work really well for me (haven’t tried the bottoms). The key for me is getting regular fit, not the slim fit.

    5. Got a pair of Athleta Headlands Cargo Tights and they fit my very pear shaped body and they have held up great for hiking and climbing.

    6. You just wear your oldest, rattiest version of your comfy, proven Athleta (or whatever) stuff for camping. Really, though, modern tech/synthetic fabrics can take a serious beating. Unless you get in a wreck or attacked by a bear, it’s unlikely to be ruined from a camping trip.

  23. Just wanted to share something good – my coworker and friend is a black woman who faced insidious racial discrimination in our office that was always downplayed/explained away. Then we got a new performance review system that effectively downgraded all the skills that people at our level share while enshrining the qualifications of the overpaid mediocre white men in charge, even though she and I regularly carry those men on all major tasks. My coworker and I have both tried to institute changes and offer real solutions to entrenched racism and sexism in office management, but she finally had enough, found another, better job within a month, and is about to give two weeks’ notice to our head-in-the-sand boss (who will almost certainly tank her Christmas bonus over this, but f*ck that). I’m so, so happy for my friend and hope to follow in her footsteps soon. I also can’t help feeling a tad gleeful at the thought of the do-nothing men being forced to display their inadequacies as they try to pick up my friend’s slack.

    2. Good for your friend! This may be too late, but is there any way she can move her start date so she doesn’t miss out on that bonus?

  24. Due to unexpected work restraints for my husband, we recently decided that my husbands parents will be coming to us to celebrate Christmas. We typically go to my MIL and she plans dinner, but now my husband and I are in early stages of meal planning for Christmas dinner. Any suggestions? It’s 4 adults plus 1 toddler. I have decent cooking skills when following a recipe— but I don’t like handling meat. My husband is not a confident cooker, but tries.

    No pork, and FIL doesn’t eat red meat. I really am not a fan of chicken. I’m trying to brainstorm dinner ideas beyond a baked pasta dish. Also, kiddo has eggplant allergy.

    I grew up eating very spicy food from my ethnic heritage, but MIL is spice adverse. Any recommendations are welcome.

    1. Do you eat/cook fish? It can be a nice way through the ‘which meat to serve’ dilemma.

      Alternatively we are having a vegetarian Wellington (specifically the one from Kate Young’s A Little Library Christmas) on our table, along with Brussels sprouts, roast potatoes, carrots, and stuffing.

      2. My daughter made a mushroom Wellington for thanksgiving that received rave reviews from vegetarians and non-vegetarians alike.

    2. What does his family usually have for Christmas? Like. I’m from a ham family. So I’d say buy a honey baked ham. You just warm it up in the oven, super easy.

      1. MIL experiments with food, so she switches it up every year I’ve gone there. Seafood, pasta, paella without pork.

    3. I would look at “Feast of the Seven Fishes” menus for inspiration since it seems like fish/seafood might be the best “protein/main course” option. Even if you’re not Italian, it’s a Christmas meal so you’re still in the lane of it being a traditional holiday meal.

      I also personally love a mushroom lasagna for a fancier feeling dinner. Can be made with or without sausage depending on everyones meat preferences.

      1. Thanks, will look up Feast of the Seven Fishes. I’m not a mushroom fan, but I’m a little daunted by time required for making veggie lasagna. One time I made lasagna, I remember it taking quite some time. I’d like to avoid a recipe that would requires hours in kitchen.

    4. Skip the meat. It doesn’t sound like your family are big meat eaters and baked pasta dishes like butternut squash lasagna are fine. Or lean into your heritage and make your ethnic dishes, just make some that aren’t too spicy. I’m not Indian, Mexican, or Italian, but have done tamales, a mix of Indian dishes, and fancy homemade pizza for holidays and they were all great (way better than traditional holiday foods which I mostly dislike or don’t eat as I’m a longtime vegetarian).

      1. I commented earlier, but last time I made lasagna for husband and I, it took about 2 hours. I prefer not to spend that time in kitchen on Christmas Day.

        The issue with making my cultural ethnic food is that it is a pretty time consuming task. I’d prefer not to specify the cuisine for anonymity (but a cuisine from an African nation). But think days of prep and not readily available in my geographic area. I love the food, but I tend to only eat it at my moms who is hours away.

        1. I guess I feel like dishes that take more time to prepare is exactly what holidays meals should be about? Most things can be prepped in advance- when I make lasagna, it does probably take two hours, but you can make the sauce and filling in advance and then all you have to do day of is assemble and bake, which is easy. You could probably even do the assembly in advance and then just bake it. Can you do something similar with your ethnic food? If you love it, I feel like that would be the sort of special thing I’d enjoy having at the holidays because it takes too much time the rest of the year. Are there shortcuts you can make like buying parts of it already made or special ordered?

          1. If you dislike the prep of lasagna an easier baked pasta dish saves a ton of time. Raos red sauce, browned ground turkey, and cooked cut pasta all baked with shredded mozzarella and topped with Parmesan cheese is a classic comfort dish in my world. You could even prep it ahead of time.

        2. A lasagna shouldn’t be two hours of prep work. You can simplify it by using no-boil noodles, nice jarred sauce, etc.

          1. I was referring to a butternut squash lasagna which requires cutting the squash, cutting and caramelizing onions, cooking the squash, roasting and peeling hazelnuts, grating cheese, and making a béchamel sauce, which really does take at least two hours start to finish- that’s why it’s a holiday meal. But I agree that you can make a perfectly good veggie lasagna in a lot less time with store-bought tomato sauce and simpler veggies (I usually just do frozen spinach or broccoli, maybe shredded carrots). And always no-boil noodles. And like I said, you can prep all the ingredients for both in advance, so there’s no need to take much time on Christmas itself.

          2. Oh wow, that sounds involved. My supermarket sells precut squash, roasted nuts, grated cheese, etc which help take a lot of prep work out of things like that.

          3. Yeah, the year we made pizza for Thanksgiving was because we bought precut squash and it all ended up moldy! And I’ve only ever seen whole hazelnuts at stores near me, not roasted and peeled ones (this is the annoying part of that recipe). In general, I’m all in favor of shortcuts that save time, but there are some things that are worth the extra work, they’re just not everyday meals. And since it sounds like OP doesn’t want an involved meal, it’s probably not the meal for her either, though being smart about prep work makes it more manageable- for me, it matters a lot how much has to be done at the last minute, but I care less if I can do things in advance.

    5. Do you mind cooking shrimp? Maybe your husband could shell and devein as necessary. The Serious Eats Spanish-style garlic shrimp recipe is fast and easy, and didn’t seem too garlicky to me. We added snow peas and grape tomatoes to make it colorful and kind of o one-pot meal. Would be good with rice or pasta.

      1. Sadly, I don’t do shrimp. I just can’t stand texture of any seafood beyond fish.

    6. No pork, no red meat and no chicken means other poultry (unless no chicken means no poultry) or fish/shellfish. In your shoes, I would go to Costco, buy two packages of their salmon with seasoned butter (more than enough for 4 1/2 people) and serve it with (also from Costco) mashed potatoes. If no shell fish allergy, I would probably add pre-cooked shrimp to my appetizer tray to make it more festive. That leave you plenty of energy left for appetizers, sides, deserts (which is what most people care about anyway.)

      If you are concerned people will not eat fish, then get one of the salmon and one of their roasted chickens. Throw away all the wrappers before people arrive and nobody has to know!

      2. Pre-seasoned fish from Costco might be ok for main. I’d skip the mashed potatoes as a preference. Although I’m US born, I grew up pretty much exclusively eating a certain African cuisine just because that’s all my parents knew. So, I tend to dislike traditional meat & potatoes dishes.

        I don’t eat shrimp dye ri my own texture aversion.

    7. I second fish. A big fillet of roast salmon is super easy, but always feels special to me. If you can find cedar planks, you can roast salmon on planks in your oven and it always looks great. (You could also grill it, if that’s an option)
      My go to holiday dinner is a baked mushroom risotto, roasted salmon, rolls, and a salad. Sauteed green beans if I feel like I need more. And rainbow jello because Husband is from the midwest.

    8. If you think of the list of four items you can all agree on, that is your meal. This actually does not sound that hard given the many exclusions for preferences, aversion to long cook times, and diets

    9. Thanks for ideas! I think baked salmon & risotto with side salad is the best choice.

    10. Is there a hotel or restaurant near you serving a buffet on Christmas Day? It doesn’t sound like you want to cook a holiday meal, which I completely get, and this might allow everyone to get something they want and just enjoy each other’s company. It’s an expense, but perhaps offset for you because you did not have to travel this year?

    11. I would spend all your energy deciding where to order your holiday meal from. Costco, Whole Foods, Specialty caterer, local grocery store, etc. Hell, order from a restaurant (or more than one!) drop it onto serving platters and call it a day!

  25. I’m doing a secret Santa with family and whoever my Santa is asked my husband what I’d like … the budget is $100. Would love to hear your random ideas in that price range!

    1. Someone asked your husband, he asked you, and you are asking us? Sounds like you have
      everything you want!

      1. I do! But I still need to play along :) The secret Santa is a huge improvement over what we used to do (every sib gave gifts to every other sib including in laws… 5 sibs, all adults)

      1. Perfume, nice skin cream? A cashmere scarf/ wrap? A fancy journal/ planner? A subscription box/ service? Personal training session?

    5. Vuori hoodie.
      A couple of fancy candles.
      Ember coffee mug.
      A nice bottle of a spirit you enjoy, with bitters or garnishes.
      Is there a hobby you’ve considered trying, like painting or woodworking? A class with some basic supplies would be fun.

    6. I absolutely love my Origins Feel Good Hug Bedtime Body Wrap from Macy’s. I use it every night to heat up my bed before I get in. I’ve probably had it 10 years; just wash the cover occasionally.

    7. Lululemon (or similar) leggings
      Superga/Veja/New Balance fashion sneakers
      Membership to a museum near you
      Air fryer or other kitchen gadget you don’t have
      Various small items to add up to $100: nice umbrella, picture frame, personalized stationary/notecards
      Cashmere beanie (if you live in cold climate)
      Lake pajamas

  26. Advice on differing family socioeconomic statuses?
    I grew up privileged but my family’s wealth wasn’t liquid. It was in a gritty, not at all glamorous family business where I saw hard work first hand. My dad was out the door to the office every day by 4:30am to supervise the manual part of of the business and often not home until 10pm after doing the required entertaining for the corporate, white collar CEO part of the business. We lived in a nice town and I had schools paid for and there was definitely a lot of privilege that I don’t want to discount, but didn’t feel like a fancy 1% life.
    Meanwhile, DH grew up in a fancy 1% household that got hit hard by a financial crisis – had to sell the primary house and move to the vacation house, dad skipped town, mom lived as a struggling single mom who went from trophy wife to office admin making ends meet.
    We were on the same page for a long time – met at a top college, both working hard at professional jobs, prioritizing good education and enrichment opportunities for our kids.
    Then a financial bomb went off and my parents sold the family business. It doesn’t change my life much on a day to day basis except give more of a safety net (I still view this very much as my parents money and it’s not like I’m quitting my job, changing my house, or spending).But suddenly DH is treating wealth like a character flaw and making comments that would be appalling in the reverse context. IE my parents bought a place in an expensive resort town and are enjoying their retirement, finally playing golf, and looking forward to having grandkids come visit for vacation. DH is making lots of snide comments about how those “kinds” of people aren’t our people, people there are making so much more money than is normal, and he’s physically uncomfortable in those kinds of settings.
    Any advice on handling this? It makes me sad that he’s being so judgmental and doesn’t want to spend any time in the place my parents are now spending half the year and also makes me roll my eyes a little because he’s in the top 5% based on his own job and top college education and all this other stuff – my parents ended up in the top top 1% through a mix of luck and good timing. I know a therapist would be helpful in wrapping our minds around this but I’m not sure he’ll be open to it.

    1. These dynamics are so complicated. I am also from a family with various different socioeconomic situations, and we are not homogenizing as generations progress. SES differences are just as salient as religious or cultural differences in a relationship. I do think therapy is appropriate if this issue keeps coming up. I have also found it helpful to read a lot about how wealth and privilege operate in the US; any chance you could read some books together and discuss?

      The alternative to navigating these difficulties is for people to never associate with anyone outside their own SES. Many, many privileged people take this route. It’s worth it to look at it head-on instead IMO.

    2. For the health of your marriage you both need to dig deep about what’s going on here. From your description I can see why he might feel disillusioned with wealth in general. It sounds like you’re taking it a step further and reading in some gross classism from him, like he thinks that blue collar workers don’t “deserve” fancy things. You know him better than I do, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt. You can talk about your defensive reaction without blaming him for it, and let him reassure you that that’s not what he meant.

    3. Are the comments derogatory to your parents, or just DH stating his preferences? My mom moved to a fancy active adult place. I LOVE it, but it is like DH’s nightmare. Our differing viewpoints on the subject won’t matter for another 30 years because we aren’t moving anytime soon. He’s not mean to my mom about it at all, and we had a lovely visit. I will probably visit much more than him though.

      1. Not directly derogatory toward my parents, but definitely made in a way that could be extrapolated to my parents, which is also ironic because they are the most down to earth, low key people, who seem to be enjoying this windfall with a little bit of disbelief and childlike enthusiasm and very little pretension. We pulled up for dinner at the new golf club, which my dad is all excited about because he hasn’t had time to golf most of his life, and my husband made a comment (just to me) about how he doesn’t want to spend any time at a place where the parking lot is so full of porsches and range rovers. And I just feel like give it a chance! People would be appalled if you pulled up to a municipal course and were like I don’t want to spend time anywhere where the parking lot is full of camrys and corrollas. My dad is literally the worst golfer in the world, is happily taking lessons and introducing himself to people as a beginner who is so excited to be learning, and DH is just like taking a dump all over it. I just feel like the guy drove an American made pick up truck his whole life to a grind of a job but was well aware of all his privilege to be building on his dad’s company. If In his 70s, he is thrilled to be pulling his convertible up to a golf course to learn how to hold a golf club, and he wants to show us his new hobby and how good the club’s buffet is just let him be!
        Now that I’m typing, part of my frustration may be that DH is so critical of my parents newfound privilege while not seeming all that aware/appreciative of the many privileges he has, which is a bit grating.

        1. Why wouldn’t you just say that to DH? “For Pete’s sake, DH, give it a rest! My dad worked his whole life for this and it won’t kill you to be nice while you’re here!”

    4. I’m guessing (arm-chair therapy here) that what you’re seeing when he says all this is the SYMPTOM, not the actual issue. I’m guessing that when he says this stuff, it’s not the 5% man with the successful education and career talking, but the kid who lost his whole “life” at once — he had to move, was abandoned by his dad, watched his mom go through who-knows-what, had to change schools, etc. On top of that, now he was living in Vacation Land watching the ultra-rich people live their lives. Who knows what kind of snobbery he ran into from former “friends”? And did he now go to school with the “town kids” and hear how they were treated by the rich vacationers, and hear how they talked about them?
      Meanwhile, you’re proud of your parents and want them to enjoy their hard work, finally. What if their success and enjoyment only re-ignites whatever hurt, pain, shame, embarrassment, and anger he’s carrying from what he experienced back then?
      Yes, therapy is an answer. If he won’t look inside and deal with what’s going on, the only thing you can do is refuse to participate in how he’s seeing this. You can’t fix him, and likely there is zero chance of you being able to “explain” things in a way that will make him see things the way you do. Unless, of course, he wants to change and is open to hearing you and processing with you.

      1. This is the best reply, so insightful. I was going to post that DH was acting like the newly-poor, abandoned teenager in a tourist town but you articulated it much better.

    5. I wonder if your DH is reacting more to his own complicated feelings about what happened to his family growing up, than to anything your parents are doing. Because that sounds kinda rough for a kid, to go from a very privileged life to your parents splitting and watching a parent struggle as a result. I do think you can call him on his BS when he starts harping on your parents’ lifestyle. There does seem to be some cognitive dissonance here; he sounds plenty privileged on his own.

    6. Even if your spouse won’t go to therapy, going on your own might help you understand why this is such a conflict in your house. When my husband starts complaining about something that he doesn’t like and I do like, I tend to get really, brutally practical, e.g., “Do you want to come on a vacation to X or not? Because I’m going and I’m taking the kids with me on this vacation to see my folks.”

      My spouse makes similar comments about some of his friends that have become very wealthy, and at a certain point, it’s more envy and wistfulness about a road not taken. Sometimes I try to cheer him up (I don’t think I’d actually be happy if my biggest problem was what designer bag to bring for prep school pickup) but a lot of the time I just don’t bother because it feels like a performance and I don’t think it makes it feel better. We do fine, even though we don’t have the biggest house or take the poshest vacations.

    7. Your husband is being a d1ck. You don’t have to rationalize it with all of this background. He needs to stop being an ass, period.

  27. Would you ask your landlord (a management company) about a windows warranty? I’ve lived here 2 years. The building was gut renovated 3 years ago, so the single pane double hung windows are 3 years old. I WFH and freeze in my office. I put up plastic sheeting, and I can actually see and hear it move as gusts of wind come in. This doesn’t seem like something to expect from 3 year old windows, but I’ve always lived in old (100+ year) buildings where that was par for the course. Worth mentioning? My electric bill is also higher than I would expect for a small unit.

    2. 3 year old windows should not be drafty. You should ask them to be fixed (there may be caulking that has failed, for example). You could also request storm windows be added but if you are paying the utilities there’s not much incentive for the landlord to cover them.

    3. Who puts in new single pane windows? What a waste to remodel and not bother with at least double pane. I’m actually a little surprised that’s even legal anymore, given the standards for new construction are much more rigorous in terms of energy efficiency. I think this is a clear case where the landlord doesn’t care how shoddy the building is because you have to pay the utility bills and they don’t, so I wouldn’t expect them to bother fixing anything unless you can show they’re actually leaking or are in some way a threat to the property.

    4. You can ask, but I have lived in many similar situations and landlord will not care. These remodels are usually done with cheap windows, so this is not likely a “warranty” issue…. just bad windows. Just be grateful you can control your heat! I remember calling when my kitchen was again in the 50’s….. I usually had ice inside my apartment on the “new” windows.

      What you will likely need to do is seal up the windows well with cauk/plastic/foam etc.. every year. And pay for that yourself. Or move.

  28. Favorite super soft tshirts? I own a bunch from Everlane that are all 100% cotton, but some are way softer than others and I’m not sure why.

    1. I’ve had this same experience when buying the same shirt in multiple colors from Lands End. Would love to understand why softness varies! Does the dye color impact it?

      1. OP- I don’t think its the dye because most of my shirts are white. Some almost feel like microfiber while others are thin and sandpaper-y…..

    2. The LL Bean Pima cotton shirts are much softer and 100% consistent in my experience. I wanted to like Everlane, but the inconsistency drove me mad. T-shirts in the same size would often feel or fit totally different – some would be a nice thicker material and others would be that horrible wispy fabric that clings to everything. Some would fit huge and others would be TTS. I stopped buying from them.

  29. inspiration needed: what are y’all getting your husbands/brothers/boyfriends/significant men in your life? I’m struggling with DH this year which is hilarious because he has basically every hobby there is, needs nothing, and is sort of snobby about hobby gear. We joke that his hobby is getting a new hobby. The only thing he does not do is golf or drink (much) coffee. So far he’s getting new slippers. The inspo is likely less about the gear/tools itself, but perhaps of interest to people that have these hobbies? Like maps to a hiker/camper vs a tent.

    Skiing, shooting, working on cars, drones, building computers, running, fishing, sailing, restoring musical instruments, woodwork, cellaring wine, drinking bourbon, photography, camping, cycling, crossfit, calligraphy, beer brewing, 3D printing, and a thousand other things. He is also a boyscout leader for a troop of girls and coaches little league and soccer intermittently.

    His most active hobbies at the moment are instagramming about his car restoration project and shooting skeet (he just joined a local club) but it’s honestly all fair game. I have a half built sailboat in my attic that could become the hobby de jour again when the feeling strikes.

    2. If he doesn’t need anything they maybe don’t get him anything? Spend the money on some type of experience gift you can do together?

    3. The whiskey subscription I got DH last year has been a big hit. It’ll be repeated this year. I did Flaviar but you’ll have to check if they ship to your state.

      DH has two other subscription boxes that he really likes, the Chive box and I think bespoke?

    4. I suggest planning an epic camping/outdoors weekend for both of you. I would LOVE if someone took the reins and did all the planning for a wonderful trip like that – you can give him a card with all the details and a note saying “it’s all set and you don’t need to do a thing” on Christmas morning.

    5. Do you have enough pictures from this year or recent years) that you could do him a nice photo book?

      We are married long enough now that we just give each other lists, with links. Otherwise, all gifts are pretty small, and/or consumable, with not much in the “SURPRISE!” department unless it is tiny and thoughtful (like I bought an old book of photos from the TV show MASH, a show LOVED by my husband. Book went over great).

    6. I am getting my husband a “hidden” tour of our local big city and arranging a dinner date afterwards. We don’t need more stuff and he loves quirky history.

    7. I love this list of hobbies! I overlap with a bunch of them, and would overlap with more if we had the space to do things like woodwork. What about some really nice wine glasses or crystal bourbon/whiskey glasses? A lot of the other ones involve gear-gear and I would avoid getting things because he probably has very specific preferences in mind.

    8. If you live in a big enough city with decent food scene, a gift certificate for a food tour? Husband and I have done several when traveling and it’s a great time.

      Other gifts I’ve done are rashguards and upgraded hygiene products (think Kiehls SPF or bumble & bumble hair stuff)

    10. My husband asked for only one thing, a new blender, so I’m going top of the line with a Vitamix. I’d rather spend on one quality item then buy him a bunch of dumb crap.

    11. Speaking of subscriptions, my husband really likes Vinyl Me, Please. Every months he gets a vinyl record album, a poster, and a cocktail recipe.

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