Suit of the Week: Banana Republic

164 Comments

1. After reading amazing praises of the Eileen Fisher pants here over the years and sensing a gap in my closet, I am finally looking to buy myself one. BUT they are EXPENSIVE! Do they ever go on sale? Black Friday may be? May be not directly on their website but Macy’s or Nordstrom or should I just give up and spend the 200+ (!!!) on a pair of pants!? TIA for any intel!

   1. Sign up for their email list. Sometimes they send out coupons for $25 or 15% off.

   2. Marshmallow is correct. And I would note that although $168 is high for a pair of stretchy black pants, said pants will go through the washer and dryer on delicate, weekly, and still look good three years later. Consider too their versatility – go casual with a plain tee and some sandals, or dress them up with a silk shell, cardigan, and low heels. Hang them up straight from the dryer and they are good to go with no ironing or steaming. I don’t proselytize my religion or my politics, but I will proselytize for these pants. I like the straight leg crepe pants for work; the ankle pants are very form fitting.

   3. Also see if they have a pair of pants in your size on ThreadUp or similar website. Take them for a test spin and see if they’re worth the money.

      1. One of the colors is on sale on the Nordstrom site for $117 right now. I decided to give them a try when I saw that…

      2. Try Poshmark too! Use my referral code (merrpg) for $5 your first purchase.

   4. The straight leg pants are on sale on the Neiman Marcus website right now for $125…

   5. Check out ebay as well.

   6. I hit the jackpot at Nordstrom Rack last winter and found 2 pairs of the Eileen Fisher silk georgette crepe pants on final clearance for like $7 each. I snagged them and they have been seeing a lot of wear this summer. I’m not sure if I’m ready to buy more at full price eventually, but I’m definitely keeping an eye out for future sales.

2. For those of you who live far from your family, how did you make peace with some of the sacrifices this entails?

   I’ve lived a plane ride away from my twin brother and parents (with whom I have very close relationships) for two years. I love my job and current city, and the two go together (I couldn’t have the job without the city). I don’t want to move, but my partner and I have discussed the idea of children at a high level, and it occurs to me that I would likely be resentful that my family wouldn’t be a part of that future in the same way his would.

   1. Are your parents open to moving to your city down the road? My parents were very firm they would never leave their city, but as soon as I had a baby they were pretty much instantly talking about moving to my city and buying a condo here. I don’t think it will happen for 2-3 years still, but I do think that if my parents stay healthy long term, my kids will know them well.
      Other than that, just lots of visits. If you have money, throw money at the problem. Fly to visit them as much as you can, fly them to visit you when you can’t. Take vacations together if you enjoy their company. (I’m personally a HUGE fan of this, because grandparents will usually agree to watch the kids for a night or two and then we can have a date night). Skype regularly.

   2. It is so, so tough. I live about 7k miles away from my parents. I handled it pretty well before I had a kid but am finding it really difficult now. My dad came out for 6months when I went back to work and was our nanny and having him in our daily lives made him leaving so so hard as we now know what we are missing. It’s the emotional stuff but also (and I know not everyone is so lucky) but the physical stuff – the help.

      My husband’s mom lives 4 hours away but we see my family more often.

      Regular visits and updates are key. My parents get the nursery newsletter and I send WhatsApp messages daily.

      1. Echoing. So hard with kids. When our parents visit, life becomes so much easier. Even though hosting is a task, having that extra hand that you trust is immeasurable stress relief.

   3. Part of why we live where we live is that we wanted to be close-ish to family. Husband’s family is within the same greater metro region and my family is a 3-4 hour car ride away. That means we can easily do long weekends, my mom comes down to visit regularly and syncs it up with work travel so it’s less of an issue, and (this is totally key) my inlaws will help out occasionally with sick days (so, SO key) or weekend sleepovers.

      A big part that my husband and I discussed is that when we lived several states away, we used 80% of our vacation time visiting family or traveling for family events. Even with having my family a few hours away, it’s not a huge deal to just come for a weekend and not spend our vacation time doing that.

      Although… my mom’s current partner is trying to convince her to move 3,000 miles away to live in a place that a) I don’t think she’d really like culturally/politically, b) has a climate that she DESPISES, c) is literally nowhere near any of her friends or family, and d) is an awkward distance between oddly expensive airports so I can either get a $1000 flight and drive one hour or a $600 flight and drive 6 hours… But there are a whole lot of other issues there.

      1. The distance and the travel is still somewhat doable for us (hard, but doable). It’s the PTO that makes it hard. We love where we live and we love to travel and explore as well. But it’s hard to balance that with seeing family enough. DH and I both have siblings and parents in different places across the US (though luckily no east/west coast split… yet) AND family in South Asia. Our American families have accepted that we won’t make it to Thanksgiving every year or that we might split up and each visit our respective families if we’re trying to save PTO for another trip, but our international families have been very vocal about feeling neglected because “you can fly all the way to Bali for some beaches but not see us for years!”

   4. It’s hard. I have 5 weeks of vacation time per year (DH has unlimited!) and we still struggle to see the grandparents as much as we’d like. They’re both a flight away in different places, I have very dear sibling-like friends a flight away in a third place, DH has a sister in a fourth place, and then we like to take a vacation once in a while too. We’ve started doing a lot of long weekends, even though a lot of people would consider flying halfway across the country for 4 days to be a little ridiculous. But it works for us. The truth is as our parents get older, we much prefer seeing them more frequently for shorter periods of time. It’s not cheap, but we can afford it and we get a lot of frequent flier miles, which we put towards vacations.

   5. I raised my kids a 4-5 hour drive away from my family and a plane ride from husband’s family, so on a day to day basis, we had no immediate family in the area.

      There were definitely minuses to it – my kids didn’t know their grandmothers as well as their cousins on either side did. (Grandfathers had both passed aaay before our kids were born).

      In each case, grandma regularly provided childcare for the kids who lived nearby – both regularly scheduled after school care AND weekend date night or sleepover care.

      We both found that our siblings who benefited from this as parents really failed to consider how easy they had it, and we didn’t have a lot of tolerance for listening to them complain about how grandma fed the kids or what have you when they were in her (free) care.

      We also found that we resented our siblings for taking advantage of our moms, just assuming she was always available for free childcare and had no interest in a personal life of her own – this was a remarkably similar situation on both my husband’s and my side of the family.

      When our moms got older and needed elder care, then the siblings who lived nearer got resentful that we were far away and couldn’t help as much with the day to day, so the resentment ended up going both ways.

      The reality of the situation though was that rather than being this idyllic situation we were imagining of living close to grandparents who, I don’t know, had a white picket fence and a dollhouse in the living room and welcoming extended family meals, we were actually removed from a fair amount of chaos and dysfunction.

      And in the end I couldn’t have found work in my field in a rural community anyway. So the decision was more economic than due to a lack of sentiment. That helped me live with it.

      My kids didn’t know their plane ride grandma really at all (she died when they were quite young) and only knew my mom from a handful of visits a year, but they loved her and felt close enough to her. My nieces and nephews who lived closer to her had a much tighter relationship but it wasn’t idealized the way it is for my kids. A few of them even resent her over stuff I think is ridiculous and petty, but is very real to them.

      Sometimes distance is your friend

   6. I live across the country from my parents and brother. My brother and his family live in the same state as my parents. Do I resent that my parents go see my brother at least once a month and we only see my parents twice a year? Of course, but only if I dwell on it. I remind myself that these are the choices my husband and I have made and there are trade-offs. Then I try to think of time spent in terms of quality, not quantity. My parents are very good about FaceTiming with me and my kids, something they rarely do with my brother. When our daycare is closed, they rearrange their schedule and fly to us to help with coverage. When my brother comes to visit they try to come as well so we can all be together. When I had my second, and had to go back to work right away, they came and took care of my newborn baby. You will drive your self crazy trying to keep score when your kids will be loved no less than your brother’s kids.

3. Stylist 1 for this pic: this is such a pretty suit, there is no way we can style it to make the model look ugly

   Stylist 2: hold my beer

   1. Huh? I don’t think she looks ugly at all. It’s not ultrafeminine but I think she looks chic.

      1. I mean, this styling looks great on Ellen DeGeneres, but that’s her signature look. I have a hard time not getting distracted by the sneakers paired with what is marketed as office attire.

         1. I don’t understand you people who get all up in arms about suits not being styled exactly as if you would wear them to work. Do you not have the capacity to envision the suit in any other way than how it is presented? Why do you feel so entitled to have everything marketed directly to you and your preferences?

      2. 10th doctor rocked the tennies and suit, why can’t we? I think it looks interesting and wearable for a business casual office. Not really my style though. I don’t really wear blazers much.

   2. Agreed. Sneakers?! Come on.

   3. I hate the styling on this too.

   4. Agreed.

      1. I came to the comments to see if anyone else agreed that this styling is just completely out of touch.

         1. Maybe you’re the one who is out of touch?

      2. BR has been doing this a lot lately, and it drives me insane. If I see sneakers with a dress, I assume that it is not dressy enough for work. This is normally a good indicator, but since all of their dresses have sneakers, I can’t tell what I can wear to work.

   5. I *resent* the sneakers, but I think it’s because I would wear this in a heartbeat if my workplace would allow it.

   6. I think that I could probably get past the sneakers (at least, I could scroll down), but the dark and unflattering shirt really makes it hard to appreciate this one. I have no idea what it would look like if I were to pair it with something.

   7. I agree the sneakers don’t make sense paired with a suit. Suit styling is really odd to me. Especially the ones where there is no shirt under the jacket.

      I think people who don’t work in a corporate, conservative environment really don’t understand that you need to be discreet and conservative so stylists try to make suits fun, when that isn’t the point of a suit.

4. I’m trying to plan a trip to Spain/Morocco for 2 weeks, but my work schedule is becoming difficult around the time I planned to go. What are the Hive’s thoughts about traveling there the week after Thanksgiving/first week of December? No intention of going to any beaches on this trip, but will it be unpleasantly cold or will many places be closed or have reduced hours because it’s not high tourist season?

   1. Where in Spain are you planning on going?

      1. Madrid and south.

   2. I traveled to Spain in early January a few years ago. We didn’t encounter anything being closed that we wanted to go to. It wasn’t unpleasantly cold (and I say this as a spoiled coastal Californian who has no tolerance for extreme weather) – I wore my a coat most days, but it certainly wasn’t unbearable. It was a nice break from home, where it rained pretty much the whole time I was gone.

   3. I lived in Madrid a few years ago, and its only just starting to become cold at that point. Definitely not uncomfortable, you’ll only need a light coat. I think it would be a great time to go, honestly – early December is my favorite time to travel almost anywhere, because its such an unpopular time for tourists to go anywhere but things are generally open, unlike Christmas/New Years.

   4. There is no such a thing as low season in Morocco. Also, Morocco is not a Christian country so there is no downtime for Christmas.
      Fun fact: There is an entire neighborhood in Marrakesh called Hivernage from French Hiver meaning Winter. That is because the French would flee their miserable cities in winter to go to Morocco. You’ll be fine.

   5. Sorry for the late reply, but I actually think this is a great time to go honestly. Spain and Morocco can be HOT, and I would rather be on the cool side than sweltering (if, as you said, beaches are not on the agenda). You will need a jacket, but that is OK. Everything will be open.

      I went to Morocco a few years ago in December and it was great FWIW!

5. I have a volunteer gig for an organization I believe in. The work isn’t a direct link to my career goals, but it does use my strengths and puts in good standing with a number of organizations involved in my long term professional goals. Here’s the problem: the role puts me in regular support to a guy I loathe. He’s never been anything but pleasant to me personally, but he’s lazy and entitled in (upper middle class, white, male) ways that just make me want to scream. I love the work itself but hate the gig on account of our interactions. Does this seem like a reason to quit?

   1. No. If you believe in the mission of the organization, it doesn’t matter whether you loathe the person you support. Does your work further the mission? If yes, then you need to compartmentalize and focus on the work you are doing and leave the person that he is out of it. We all have to work with people we don’t like for any number of reasons, but if the end result is that you are furthering an important mission, it shouldn’t matter how you feel about the person you have to support.

      At least that’s how I feel about it.

      1. I agree. You must continue to work “for the cause”, not for the guy, who we will accept is a d-bag. But when that guy is unearthed, he may well be forced to leave, and guess what, then you will have smoothe sailing for the cause you believe in. There are always a lot of guy’s who are d-bags who we must work with, and we learn to do it with a smile, knowing that the guy is a d-bag. I work with Frank, even tho if he had his way, he would be squeezing me and my tuchus with no restrictions. But I still work with him and he restrains himself most of the time, so I live with it. You should do the same and you will find fulfilment in so doieng! YAY!!

   2. Presumably there are lots of other organizations that could use your help, yes? A simple, “I feel that now is a good time for me to pursue other interests” is plenty for a goodbye.

   3. Is there any way you can either transfer to helping a different area of the organization or even switch to a different organization in the same general field? If most of your time is spent dreading interacting with one as$h0le, that’s an inefficient use of your mental energy and you should work to avoid that.

   4. What is so offensive that a guy is UMC, white and (obvs) male?

      Those are neutral traits, none of which reflects on character. I’d never quit a gig I liked (even as a volunteer) b/c of one person I didn’t.

   5. Do you volunteer for the nonprofit I work for? Ha.

   6. Don’t make yourself miserable over it! Ultimately only you can decide if it’s worth it to you or not.

   7. I’m at the end of a two-month break from a volunteer gig I’ve been doing weekly for two years. The new coordinator they hired was beyond annoying, and we were a little burned out and missing the old one. I had guilt about stopping, because the point is to serve the terminally ill clients of the org and my annoyance felt petty, but we put an end date on the break so we could press the reset button and go back in with a fresh perspective. It’s absolutely been the right thing to do. Between summer vacation, a job switch and summer events, we would have missed some weeks anyways. I signed up for my upcoming shifts online last week and it felt great, I’m really excited to go back.

6. Fun topic, I hope: Where in the world would you go for a 1-week spring break vacation in March with a 6-year-old, 4-year-old, and 1-year-old? We are coming from the DC area. We could go somewhere nearby or to another country — totally open. Two further considerations: (1) A good friend lives in Madrid — is it a good time of year to visit? Should I try to save my visit for a time I can (maybe) get my parents to watch the kids so we can do fun adult things? (2) Sibling-in-laws live in Italy — we could visit some part of Italy (prob not the North — too cold!), or try to convince them to join us somewhere not too far away by plane or train.

   1. Outer Banks. I have no interest in spending a fortune to fly babies to Europe when they can’t snjoy it.

      1. If Italy is too cold, don’t go to the North Carolina beach in early March….

   2. The Greenbrier.

      Outdoor pool is heated; inside pool is fun. Lots of kids activities. Lots of outdoor activities.

   3. As a disclaimer, I do not have kids, but when we were in France a few years ago, we saw a lot of American families with young kids on vacation in Provence. You can stay in a vacation rental/house, do lots of outdoor activities, and do a lot more kid-friendly Europe stuff like going to bakeries, climbing around ruins, eating ice cream, etc. You don’t have to worry about the kids on the Metro, etc. Caveat is that the best time for that type of trip in Provence would be in the spring or summer when the weather is warm. We also saw quite a few young families with children vacationing in Paris.

      I would not take kids that young to Madrid. Most of the stuff to do there is “adult stuff” like trendy clubs and restaurants and art museums. Also, the public transportation is excellent but tends to be very crowded. They also have a problem with pickpockets. Overall, highly recommend going at some point to see your friend but not with such young children.

      1. Agree with this on both the France and Madrid points. I also think you could rent a house somewhere in Italy and have a similar experience. March is not ideal travel time in Provence with little kids for outdoor activities though. May/June would be much nicer.

         How do you feel about the Caribbean? Turks and Caicos and Grand Cayman are both very nice and easy (most hotels have pools and beach in case your kiddos are not into the beach). March is ideal weather down there.

   4. I think Italy would be really fun, especially a coastal area – the older kids would probably enjoy the beach, and having extra sets of adult hands would probably make things easy.

   5. You could not pay me $ to go to Disney, but my kids and their friends all love Great Wolf Lodge-type places (indoor water park you can stay at). I think that there is a good indoor water park my Massanutten ski area in VA.

      1. Oh yeah, definitely not doing Disney. Maybe when they get older and are actively lobbying for it, but they do not know that such a place exists, and I am not in any hurry for them to find out. I did not know about these water park places and will look them up. Greenbrier too!

         1. The Omni Homestead (across the border from the Greenbriar in VA) is also lovely and is a bit cheaper. Great, very personal service and lots of activities.

   6. I’d go to Hawaii. I’ve taken my kids at all ages and they’ve reliably loved it.

7. I grew up in a developing country without grills, so apologies if this question sounds dumb.

   What are your favorite/the best budget grills to buy? We host folks (4-10 tops) once in a while but not too regularly. Thinking of a gas /LP grill and a bit nervous about setting it up. Also I live in CT, is it stupid to think of buying one given we have a long winter? Any grill covers or gazebos you like? Anything else I should be thinking of?

   1. Go visit Lowe’s or Home Depot and see what strikes your fancy. No need to buy the cheapest or the priciest. Propane is the most common fuel. As for covers, they make plastic sheets you can put over them – they’ll be right near the grills – just ask an associate.

   2. Pro-tip: don’t cook with it up against the side of your house. This may seem obvious to others, but it somehow was not obvious to me, and husband may or may not have almost burned the house down. The damage was easily repairable but don’t be like me!

   3. I live in Fairfield County and I don’t recall ever worrying about keeping my grill outside in the winter. I do keep a waterproof cover on it when I’m not using it.

   4. We have a propane Weber grill and a Sunjoy grill gazebo from Lowe’s. (We also have a Weber charcoal grill, because I like charcoal better, but propane is more realistic for our lives, haha.) The grill is fine, easy enough to use. Ours is a little small when we have people over (have to cook things in batches). But is fine for our family of 5. We grill 2-3 times a week in the summer and around once a week in the fall and even into the winter. The grill gazebo is nice to have but not necessary. Also, we live in a very windy area and although the gazebo is staked down it looks like it really might blow away!

   5. Buy a reasonably priced one on sale in September at your local hardware store. Buy one that is already put together, and ask the store to show you how to hook up the gas. Use it a few times. Use it again next summer. If you find you like it a lot, you can look into a fancier and more expensive one. As for cold winter weather, you don’t have to stand over the grill while you’re cooking, so you can pop in and out in a parka and use it nearly year round. You do not need a gazebo, but it’s a good idea to buy a cover for it.

   6. After living with – and very occasionally using – a small gas grill on a post that came with our house, we woke up one day to find the thing on the ground. The post rusted after 30 years, and the grill fell to the ground.

      I bought a Weber Genesis® II LX S-240 Gas Grill to replace it and cannot believe how well it cooks fish, meat, and vegetables. My husband even cooked salmon croquettes made from canned red salmon on it last night. We rarely use the side gas burner but only bc we are not in the habit to do so.

      I went with this model instead of a version that costs less because the lid is stainless and much heavier. The salesman told me he’s had the same grill for years, has never used a cover and the stainless steel has not corroded. I seriously like this grill.

      1. I have the same grill. I have my husband a hard time about the cost ($1600 +/-). I love that thing!

         It is not a budget grill though…

   7. I live north of Boston and we grill year-round. it lives outside all year, too. If it’s a nice grill, cover it during low-use periods. IF it’s a so-so grill, just leave it uncovered. It won’t look pretty after a few winters, but it’ll absolutely still work.

      I’ve always had a propane grill – super easy to use and you can refill or exchange a tank at many places (big box stores for starters, and then some smaller local retailers and gas stations, too). Charcoal is messy and annoying. I don’t like playing with lighter fluid, which sometimes is required.

      Local Home Depot or Lowes is probably your best bet this time of year. Target seems to have cleared out their summer inventory. Maybe you can snag something on discount online as places make room for fall and winter stuff (already. on aug 15. ugh).

   8. We have a charcoal Weber grill and I’m not a fan for both taste and ease-of-use. I much prefer propane. If you can connect a garden hose you can connect a propane tank. We have owned 3 grills (including the current one) over the last 12 years; previous 2 were rather cheap, entry-level propane models. They would have lasted longer had DH been more intentional about cleaning them gently. We use grill covers, remove the fuel when not in use for the season, and leave them on the back porch year-round (upper Midwest, real winters).

      Size is the one factor we did not understand well when buying our first one. If you are grilling for 2 people it does not really matter, but grilling for 10 you will want a large enough surface for grilling that you don’t spend forever rotating burgers in and out.

   9. I don’t have a grill of my own yet but we had a charcoal Weber growing up and it did everything we wanted it to and lasted for years. I would definitely get charcoal over propane! It’s not hard to learn, the food tastes better imo, and it’s more fun. And I *love* the smell of a charcoal fire — it’s a huge part of summer to me.

   10. If you get a charcoal grill (we love our charcoal Weber and use it all the time) you’ll also want to buy a chimney for getting the charcoal started. You put the charcoal in the top part, newspaper in the bottom part, and light the newspaper. Once we got a good chimney we pretty much stopped using our propane grill! If you go with a propane grill you’ll be able to get the tank filled at hardware stores and many gas stations and grocery stores. You leave it outside while you go in the store to pay! That’s probably obvious to everyone else but it wasn’t obvious to me as a teenager and I’m still a little embarrassed thinking back on being yelled at in front of a loooooong line of holiday weekend shoppers!

8. Hi Ladies, I have been tasked with speaking to a colleague re her short skirts, skirts so short that her underwear is visible when she is sitting normally. I have not seen it myself, but have noticed her skirt are inappropriately short. Any tips for how to start this convo would be much appreciated. Back in the day, right out of college, a colleague had a similar conversation with me and it was horrible (I cried). I won’t be using her approach, but if anyone that has done this before and has some tips on how to make this message a little easier to hear, it would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance :)

   1. This is what HR is for.

      1. if we had hr, they would be doing it. o:-)

   2. “Hey, HR asked me to have a quick chat with you about wardrobe… your skirts are super short and it means sometimes you’re flashing people at work. I know it isn’t intentional because you are very professional in so many other ways, I’m just letting you know this so you can choose significantly longer skirts to nip this problem quickly. To be honest, when I was around the same point in my career, someone had this conversation with me. It was awful and I can’t imagine this is fun for you right now either, but it’s far better someone clue us in now rather than to go on not knowing… if you want to talk more about it, we can, otherwise, do you want anything from the coffee cart? I’m heading over now.”

      Otherwise, say something at the end of the day so that, if she does get really upset, she isn’t forced to work for hours holding that all in.

      1. thank you!

      2. +1 to saying this at the end of the day and in a very discrete location. I had the unfortunate job of being an intern in the early 2000’s when everything was super low rise and had to bend over filing things a ton– turns out I was unknowingly flashing some major plumber’s crack. One of the bosses in my section said something to me about it loudly in the hall where others could hear kind of jokingly and I was devastated. Had to take a long walk and “get coffee” so I could recuperate from the humiliation cry-fest.

   3. You need to witness it yourself before saying anything. It’s not that you shouldn’t trust what you’re hearing, but you need to observe the issue firsthand to be able to credibly and genuinely address it in a way that will stick.

      “Susan, I’m not sure you’re aware, but when you sit down in that skirt, I can see your underwear. Please be sure to take this skirt out of rotation for work; I’m sure you wouldn’t want this to happen again [said lightly, if the mood needs]. Appropriate attire is needed in the office. If you have questions let me know.”

      1. i have seen her inappropriately short skirts, just not the underwear lol (thankfully). I almost said something before being asked to do so.

   4. Straightforward and kind is the way to go. “I know from first hand experience that this can be hard to hear, but your skirts are too short for our office. You need to look for lengths that are not more than an inch or too above the knee, and you need to be mindful of how garments may move when you sit, stand, etc.”

      And, of course, don’t put any of gross sexist baggage on her: no “you’re not going to be taken seriously” or “your look is a distraction.”

      1. This but also understand that she may be completely aware of how she dresses and likes it. So give her strict rules.

         I had this conversation with an employee. I said “not too short and not too tight”. I was housed in a different office and when I got a call from her office HR asking me to talk with her again as she has changed nothing, I realized her interpretation of “too” was different from mine. “Too short” for her was probably if you could see undies standing up. So don’t do what I did and be very clear on the rules you expect her to follow.

         Ahh, I can’t forget how my team had dinner with this woman when she just started and all the men sat on the opposite side of the long table and avoided even glancing at her because she was dressed so sexy it felt like sexual harassment to just be in the same room with her. That was one uncomfortable dinner!

   5. I would suggest checking Ask A Manager for some tips.

   6. I had to do this once with a younger attorney who wore a dress that was too low cut and needed a cami. I said, “your dress is beautiful, but you need to wear a camisole with it in the future.” She was super professional about it, thanked me, and wore a camisole in the future. I tried to keep it matter of fact.

9. It’s only Wednesday. Sigh.

   1. ser i ous ly

      I’m at my limit with my pissy partner and the man is supposed to be on vacation.

   2. Right?!

   3. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

   4. How is it only Wednesday? Oy shortly followed by vey.

10. There are plenty of doctorate programs that aren’t accredited. Some say it’s because they focus on topics not yet mainstream (such as s3x or gender), others have websites claiming that they choose not to buy accreditation and pass the savings onto students.

    If you’re not going into academia on a tenure track, does this matter? If so, in only specific fields or in all fields?

    1. Yeah, this matters. Lack of a accreditation is a HUGE red flag. In fact, it’s such a huge red flag that I have to wonder if you’re outside of the US academic context.

       And I have heard of zero (literally, zero) legitimate universities or programs in the US that choose not seek accreditation so that they can pass savings onto students. It’s not something that you can “buy”–it’s a lengthy review process that you have to go through with the appropriate accreditation body (whether regional, national, or discipline-specific for professional fields), to prove that your program is legitimate and that you’re a real school.

       Also, again, not sure where you’re coming from location-wise, but sex and gender studies are quite mainstream in US and Western academia. Most universities and colleges will have a department titled some iteration of Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. Many of them have PhD programs training the next wave of Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies researchers.

       It sounds like you’re hoping to go into academia in a tenure track position, yes? You should only be looking at accredited programs. (And you should also learn more about the absolute bloodbath that is the academic job market in humanities fields.)

    2. If you want a quality education it matters. That is, even if the education itself is good, it won’t “count” in the eyes of others. If you want others (including any future employers) to even acknowledge your degree at all, your program needs to be accredited. You also cannot qualify for government funded financial aid/scholarships/awards; other funding will also be limited. You should not get a doctoral degree that is not funded somehow other than your own pockets.

       I don’t think it matters what their excuse is for not being funded — they won’t be widely respected. Unless perhaps they are in the process of undergoing the accreditation process, but I would not enroll (or do more than non-commitally take a couple of courses) until it’s a done deal.

       1. Also I am very sad that there are “plenty” of these because they are essentially scams.

       2. I think this post and comments about how a University of Phoenix MBA is regarded by employers … is very informative. I feel devastated for the students who insist they should get credit for holding similar degrees and insist on putting them on their resumes … when their degrees really just signal to employers that they fell for a con and still don’t understand that they were scammed and are not actually qualified :(

          https://www.askamanager.org/2015/03/should-i-take-the-university-of-phoenix-off-my-resume.html

    3. Why are you considering a non-accredited program? Is there a professional association that typically accredits PhD programs in the field (as in psychology or business)? The perception is that such places are usually diploma mills. The only exception would be a new program at a university that is itself accredited & well established and has other accredited programs, and they should typically explain why they’re not yet accredited and what the plan is to get there, or a program that doesn’t have an accrediting body but again the university itself should be.

       In my experience as faculty helping with the process in our program, it is a meaningful stamp of approval. Programs in our field must have faculty with the right kinds of degrees, must do research, most classes must be taught by the full time faculty, the program must have goals and evaluate them, etc. It’s basically a form of “peer-review” for programs since the people doing the assessment are at other programs. Programs are regularly re-evaluated and assessed. Not being willing to do that is a bad signal.

       If you’re looking for any kind of job where the PhD is meant to help you, and programs at the best schools are usually accredited, I would think that going to a non-accredited program would just be a red flag. If you’re just thinking of doing it for fun/learning, I would just comment that 1) the fun to work ratio of phds is low, and 2) how much are you really going to learn from a presumably less qualified faculty?

    4. If it is a field that does not have an accreditation, then it’s fine if the school is otherwise well respected. But it’s a waste to go to a school that isn’t well thought of. Neither the time nor the money is worth it, because it will just be a distraction on your resume and hurt your ability to get jobs. And I have a hard time believing that a good school would skip getting an industry standard accreditation.

    5. dude, Gender and Sexuality studies is a very legitimate field, and not new. Don’t get a PhD in it at an unaccredited institution or online.

11. A friend has been doing public speaking and training work (in an area of a specific type of HR issue) for years locally, where she is known for her work and well educated in the work but where she hasn’t been paid. She is wanting to reach out to companies to see who might pay her to come speak either to the HR staff or to staff in general to help prevent HR nightmares. (It’s not this, but think about it as if it was racial insensitivity as a topic; her work teaches and trains so people aren’t jerks in the workplace, so people aren’t ignorant to what matters, and to save companies from HR or legal nightmares.)

    Hive question… do your companies have such and, if so, who decides who gets hired/brought in to provide such?

    1. Our agency does something similar to this. The people who decide who gets hired are our general counsel and training director. Then it all has to get approved by fiscal.

12. Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping for a friend of mine? She wants a new medium sized satchel/tote, with structure, and a full zipper, under $50. Her last every day bag was purple, but she doesn’t want a super colorful bag, so I’m thinking something that’s more interesting than black but not a bright color.

    Thank you!

    1. I adore my Siamod briefcase … on ebags. Burgundy. It’s over budget though.

13. Am buying a place for the first time (exciting! scary!) – and wanted to get the hive’s thoughts –

    I’m a single woman, with a steady high income, no major debt, and decent savings – have been socking money away for a down payment. However, as I look at the market in my city, most options fall into one of two categories – condos that I would like, enjoy, would be very comfortable financially, but that I would likely want to sell in a 5-10 year timeframe. Then there are houses, that are more of a stretch financially (but still technically affordable), but I could see staying in for longer – more in the 10-15 year time frame.

    What would you guys do? Both are technically within my budget, and I wouldn’t be massively sacrificing to make either work, but one leaves more room in the budget than the other.

    I lean toward the later with the expectation that my salary will increase over the years and the cost of buying/selling makes it make more financial sense, but what do you think?

    1. How busy are you at work? Are you handy?

       Houses are a PITA. Those leaves don’t rake themselves! And that roof will leak! Staying home to let in the plumber / cable guy / etc. is no fun.

       My first purchase was as a second owner of an almost-new townhouse. I got to feel handy b/c I painted! And then I had a patch of grass outside — and no way to cut it at first. It looked awful for a while. It was a good way to learn house stuff before having to deal with a later purchase — older ranch house with (surprise!) drainage issues and (surprise!) mice.

       I like owning, but a condo / townhouse was more enjoyable than a SFH with Issues.

    2. In a similar situation I kept looking until I found a house I love that needed a little bit of work, and was able to make it work by negotiating on price because of those issues. Beware if you do this the house becomes a bit of a time suck. But many, many things a house needs to have done you can do yourself with sufficient time and access to you tube.

    3. Why would you want to move from the condos in 5-10 years? The reasons for that would influence my answer.

    4. Who knows what the future holds in 5-10 years including who’ll be in your life, what you’ll want, and where you’ll even want to be?! If the market in the area is likely to grow, I’d invest in the one that makes me comfortable now and has a good chance of being a future rental or sales gain. That way, I’d have the money to decorate as I want and still enjoy the fun things in life that I like vs only being technically able to afford something that may be more than I want/need and that may mean a lesser lifestyle for now or for a while.

       Then I’d keep saving for the future; whether it’s for a bigger or different house or for something that will become your goal in the next 5-10 years!

    5. I’m wondering what it is about the condos that would make you want to sell in 5-10 years. Is it because you think you’ll want/need more space by then?

    6. I was in exactly your situation and did neither. It just doesn’t make sense to buy a place that feels like settling (i.e. condo). So I waited until the house I truly wanted was no longer a stretch, and bought then. So glad I did – it have been about 18 months and I’m happy to go home to it every day.

    7. This is a really personally decision, but consider what you would with the yard if you bought a house. They are so.much.work and/or money. Do it yourself or outsource? It’s additional time burden/expense.

    8. House. I did the condo route – condos can be nightmares because you co-own with a bunch of strangers & the rules can be rewritten after you buy if conditions change (eg. rental restrictions, etc.) that can limit your ability to do what you want with the property. I would absolutely stay away from them unless they’re your only option. Since they aren’t here, I’d go house. I’d also be prepared to deal with stuff. Things break, need maintaining, etc. The downside is with a single family home, it’s all on you. The upside is you make all the decisions about it. I far prefer that.

       1. In a house now, but my family rented growing up and there was so much I had no idea about with a house (neither did my parents). It can be a steep learning curve if you’ve only just rented before.

          Whatever you do, attend the home inspection and stick to the guy like glue and ask him All of the Questions.

       2. I think this really depends on your condo association size and also the people. You can’t really predict the people, although a good real estate agent may have history on big buildings in your area and can tell you if there’s been a ton of lawsuits or similar. I think size is a good way to insulate yourself. The 3-4 unit buildings seem nice, but you can really suffer if you get one nut job neighbor. The 200 unit buildings end up being a political system in and of themselves and probably suffer a bit from Tragedy of the Commons. I personally like my 100 unit place – big enough to drown out any crazies and also big enough that changes are difficult to get through, but small enough where my condo board cares about their neighbors.

          1. Beware of the age of the building and construction defect statute of limitations- a no litigation complex today might be gearing up to sue tomorrow. Also, get a sense of he health of the HOA – special assessments can be imposed if necessary and if not enough funds. It’s much harder to do this without owner input in a smaller building, but in a larger one you may trade input for a big bill especially if reserves are done incorrectly. I’m not saying all condos are a nightmare but they often can be and I know more “I regret my condo “ stories than “I regret my home” stories. All of it comes with hidden costs and expenses. I just still vote single ownership/full control any day of you can afford it.

    9. I can tell you that when faced with the same option, I did the former. Three years after buying, I got married this summer. We plan to have kids sometime in the next year or two, but I still can’t imagine selling our condo for at least 5 more years. In the meantime, the condo’s value has skyrocketed and we have a lot of equity. I don’t currently want or need a single family home (or the hassles of maintaining the larger space), even if I may want one in the future. I don’t mind potentially going through the sale process 7-8 years after buying, so this was the right choice for me.

       That said, I’m in Boston, where real estate prices are insane and it is always a seller’s market. Even during the housing market collapse, most people didn’t lose significant value in their homes. If I were in a place with a more volatile market, I might think differently.

    10. I split the difference in get a townhouse. Not having to worry about outdoor stuff has been great, and I honestly don’t know how I would have managed yard work when in a BigLaw job.

    11. We were in the same situation and picked a house. It was a mistake.

        First, we were strapped for cash because the mortgage was a lot more than a condo would have been, which made life less fun than it should have been at that point in our lives (early to mid 20s, house in a Denver suburb). Second, we vastly VASTLY underestimated the amount of maintenance required. Not just the usual stuff that happens everywhere, but also things that really only happen to stand alone houses. 1. During sewage backup remediation it was discovered that a sewage pipe leading from the house was crushed during initial construction and the waste has been going into the ground in the yard for 20 years; 2. Woodpeckers made a hole in the chimney that resulted in water damage to wood under stucco and the living room wall; 3. House settled enough that concrete front stair pad had separated from the actual house and the driveway cracked into bits (this was during a heavy drought/flood cycle and house was on a hill, so pretty extreme). And I won’t even mention the replacement of the roof on a credit card, the fight with HOA over asphalt roof vs 2x more expensive clay shingles, and the nasty letter from the HOA asking us to take care of our back yard (which was a complete mess when we moved there to begin with and also, WHY are you looking into my back yard??). Third, we THOUGHT we wanted to keep our local jobs forever but it turned out that we didn’t and wanted to move onto other work that eventually led us to another state. It was this last bit that made us move. We didn’t own the house long enough to have kids there and capitalize on all the space and good schools. We just wasted a LOT of money on upkeep of a place that was so too big that we literally had two empty unfurnished rooms.

        We are now happily raising a kid in a townhome that requires so little maintenance, I am actually excited to call the plumber when we need it because I KNOW it’s going to be a <$500 bill and never a $20,000 bill. We have parks and playgrounds and a roof deck, and don't miss the back yard at all. Space it tight but I'm happy to only pay $120 for biweekly cleaning instead of the $400 it would be if we had more rooms and bathrooms.

        I'm clearly biased but I hope this helps.

        1. I’m not the OP but am also a single woman just starting to get the itch to buy something and I really appreciate these reality checks. Helps when I get envious of my friends with gorgeous little craftsman houses while I continue to rent for what feels like forever..

        2. It sounds like you just bought a house that was too expensive for you, though.

    12. I would stretch yourself a little if you are in an area where there are many jobs/companies in your field. I would plan on some salary increase over the coming years and the mortgage becoming easier to handle. I say this because it is expensive to move. You pay 6% total commission when you sell, and you pay closing costs that can add up to another 2 to 3%, and then you pay for any repair issues that come up in inspection and could compromise your sale. I would not go in to a place I planned to sell in 5 years for these reasons.

14. If anything knocked you off the career ladder — burn out; bad boss/awful environment; getting passed over for a promotion; a layoff — anything really. How did you get back on that horse? Or did you never get back on? Like most here, I was one of those hard charging types, got knocked off, decided I was burnt out and a 40 hour week job would be good for a few years, and now I find myself wanting to get back to my hard charging self and then simultaneously terrified or feeling like – why bother, I’ll probably just get laid off/won’t make it in a hard charging job again. Anyone go thru this? I know the right answer would’ve been ignore the burn out and go right into another hard situation – but I can’t turn back the hands of time. (And in case people ask I know I could stay with my regular job but I’m not happy – bored, no promotion potential, find myself missing the old work.)

    1. I looked for new trails rather than hacking away at the log that was blocking mine. I put my foot on the accelerator, decided I would make the absolute most of that opportunity even though I didn’t know where it would lead and I was wildly under-compensated (financially but not in terms of the experience I was gaining). I used gardening metaphors unlike our normal go-tos: “The grass is greener where you water it/blossom where you’re planted.”

       Didn’t allow myself to fail, didn’t allow myself to get burnt out. It worked. Part of the motivator was that failing would have meant no career or demonstrably bad career, not just boredom at a okay but not stimulating job.

    2. Either way, you are fighting… you can either fight for the hard charging career (which means fighting through the fear to get back into it) or you can fight for the calm stability (which means fighting the boredom and longing for what you actually want to be doing).

       Either way, you’re in for a fight. Maybe the key is to decide which fight is likely to get you what you want and to work with a mental health professional for support as you go through it!

       1. +1 This is great advice!

       2. Outstanding advice! Keep in mind that you will go through sprints in your career and there will be slower times. You can’t go 200% infinitely – we need the slower times too. Don’t fight either pace and try to let things happen organically.

    3. I burned out badly at a law firm, due to combination of things including hours expectations, travel and a demanding boss. Moved to an in-house position with great work-life balance and a couple challenging projects and started recovering. But those projects wrapped up, there isn’t much opportunity for advancement, and even though I keep telling myself I should be really happy with this job, the truth is that I’m extremely bored. So I found myself in the same position as you – I can’t stay where I am because the boredom is driving me crazy, but I’m terrified that a job with more challenging work will throw me back to that same overwhelmed, burned out place. I’ve actually been doing a lot of work on this with my therapist. There are all sorts of reasons why I’m very susceptible to this sort of black and white thinking, but the truth is that there are jobs in between “miserable but with good work” and “great job but painfully boring.” So I’m looking around and hopeful that I can find something in the middle. I’m not sure this is very helpful for you, but at least know that you aren’t alone!

    4. I have been “knocked off,” and it was horrible. I disagree that the “right answer” would have been to go straight into another high-pressure situation. Ignoring burnout is a bad idea.

       I found that by the time I got back on the horse, as you put it, it was a completely different horse. Having been through a serious setback, you learn perspective and coping skills that stay permanently. If you’re feeling called back into the fast lane, I’d say go for it, but make sure you have a good emotional and financial cushion for yourself if you have another fall. I think you also may notice that you automatically bring a new (healthier) attitude to the position, because you know how it feels to lose it, and that you’ll be ok if you do.

       I know this involved a lot of lame euphemisms, but I’m trying to apply across industries and circumstances.

       1. I was laid off from a job and thrown off track for a bit. The next job I landed wasn’t perfect, but now I have more appreciation for co-workers who are functional, rational people. Having a respectful professional environment is huge! My job is boring sometimes, but the work I do is actually a lot more fulfilling than my last job because I have more autonomy and get to use skills that are more interesting to me (writing) and more variety in what I do. I think you can find a middle ground, but you may also have to accept that every job has some downsides and may not always make you happy each day.

15. I have anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist who believes that my anxiety is rooted in my upbringing. Early on, he offered to refer me to CBT if I wanted a quick, practical solution; I said no because I really like and relate to him, and our conversations have made me much more self aware. I also asked about meds around that time, but he said that he thought my issues were better resolved through talk therapy than prescription drugs. However, it’s been more than three years since I started seeing him, and while I am more in touch with my feelings, I am still, at bottom, very chronically anxious and dissatisfied, and unable to enjoy life, even though, “quantitatively,” things are going well. My anxiety also negatively impacts how I treat the people I love, and I can recognize and feel bad about that, but I can’t seem to change. I’ve started wondering whether meds (or CBT, or anything else) would make sense, perhaps in addition to the talk therapy. Thoughts? (Besides the obvious, which is to raise this with my doctor at my next session.)

    1. Yes clearly! You should have started meds and CNT three years ago. Get a referral and get a new provider.

    2. Yes to CBT. It can resolve anxiety in 20 weeks (for some people). You could see both if both are okay with it & on the same page. Perhaps your current doctor can refer you to someone he is comfortable working with. It would be up to you if they were allowed to share information between them.

    3. I have a bunch of opinions about this! Cognitive behavioral therapy can be great if your anxiety is, in fact, cognitive (so if your anxiety involves thoughts, worries, predictions, interpretations, etc.). It can also help you respond differently especially as it affects other people (though I think DBT is even better for this).

       If you are dealing with blind panic from out of the blue, I have not found that CBT is all that helpful (though I could imagine it helping with the thoughts you have about this experience later, if there’s any kind of vicious cycle reinforcement going on).

       I’m curious what approach your current psychiatrist is taking if it’s not CBT or meds? DBT is built on CBT, so I’m not sure switching from DBT to CBT makes a lot of sense. Is he psychodynamic, or EMDR, or something else?

       You definitely have options. And if your psychiatrist hasn’t already put you on meds, it sounds like he isn’t flowchart prescribing, so he may well be a good person to talk to about the pros and cons of available medications for you personally. I personally would ask about buspar or Wellbutrin before asking about benzos, beta blockers, or SSRIs, since the latter can be difficult, dangerous, or unpleasant to quit (or to take, honestly, if you’re asking me). For me Wellbutrin made anxiety worse before it made it better, but it also helps with enjoying life, so it was a pretty good fit. We’re all different, but I hope I’ve given you some keywords to look up or take with you to this conversation!

    4. Yes, you need to at least try CBT.

16. I have most of a downpayment saved up but its sitting in a bank account – it’ll take me another year or two before I’m ready to buy. Any suggestions where I can park it to earn the most interest meanwhile? I can’t am willing to be somewhat aggressive but I don’t think I’m prepared to put it in an index fund (which is where my retirement savings are).

    1. I did an online savings account. Okay return (1.8% I think) and easy quick access to the money.

17. Hoping for the brilliance of folks in this room…

    A friend is a freelancer for a few years and will be staying in this line of work as this market is likely to remain or expand. He just found out his condo is going to be sold (he’s renting). He wants to buy. However, as a freelancer, he is having trouble getting a mortgage loan. He’s 40, credit score 850+. The bank wants a cosigner but his parents don’t qualify (they’re retired without ownership of something major enough for collateral) and his brother is in process of closing on a home this month, so he’s out. His income is around $50k/yr. he lives in the midwest. The property is likely to be listed for $150k or so. The bank said it doesn’t matter how much he could gather for a down payment or that the current landlords could attest that he’s lived there for 6 yrs without issue or missed payment.

    The bank he’s talked with says he can’t do anything now but he can not take any tax deductions in the next 2 years so his income looks as high as possible, then reapply for a mortgage. In the meantime, he’d have to move into a rental since his place won’t stay on the market for 2 years. Obviously, he wants to avoid this.

    Any tips/advice? I’ve been scouring the internet but thought you folks might have stories, examples, ideas, etc.

    1. Has he talked to a mortgage broker or other banks and credit unions? Does he not have anything in savings or any real net worth? Taking tax deductions affects the amount of income that he pays taxes on- I’m not seeing how it raises or lowers his gross income.

    2. I know freelancers who have purchased, and am surprised that a bank is giving him problems if he has had a consistent income for a few years. I don’t have much advice, just wanted to say that it is doable. I would try speaking with a mortgage broker who has access to more options than a bank.

    3. He needs to look into multiple banks/credit unions/mortgage brokers. They all have different underwriting guidelines and some are much more conservative than others. He needs to keep searching. Someone will give him a loan with that credit score if he can show income history.

       1. +1 to a mortgage broker. Never talk to just one bank.

    4. Sometimes a mortgage broker can help with unusual situations like this. Why limit options to a single bank lender?

    5. Shop around and find a new bank!

18. I love love love this tailor: https://www.mendtailoring.com/

    She comes to your home in either Brooklyn or Manhattan. There is a flat fee of 50 dollars for 30 minutes. That covers her coming to your home and then dropping the things off. My husband and I both can use a 30 minute session to get many clothes reviewed.

    Last time I had her: Hem four pairs of pants, take in the waist of a pair of pants, fix a button (like make sure it didn’t pop open on a blouse), fix a wool coat, hem a skirt and fix the waist, shorten a dress and take in the waist. The total came to 200 dollars which I think is totally reasonable for all of that work.

    Her work is great, she is very kind and helpful with advice on what’s worth doing or doable. My husband needs all his clothes tailored due to his size so we often buy things for him and don’t take off the tags and send her pics and she says she can do it or not and then we wash them. Its amazing to have her come after work or on the weekend and just get the project squared away. We usually have her come twice a year to do anything that needs fixing in the spring for spring/summer and then again in the fall for fall/winter.

    1. This is great, thank you so much!

19. I met a guy at a bar last night and really hit it off with him. He’s invited me to his house for a dinner that his private chef will be making on Saturday. WHAT do I wear?! I’m more of a Madewell-type girl, but nothing I have feels “home date worthy”. Budget would be ~$100 for a top or dress. I’d prefer to wear jeans but wouldn’t be opposed to a flowy maxi either. Nothing super form fitting.

    Ahhhhhhhhh

    1. Don’t go? It’s your first real date. He’s a stranger. Do t go to dinner in his apartment. He’s hiring a private chef on a couple days notice? That’s bizarre. Tell him you’d rather go out in public.

       1. Agreed. Don’t go to a man’s house or apartment without knowing him first.

    2. It probably says something about how often I watch SVU and Dateline that this makes me nervous for you… that said, wear something like jeans and a favorite top that makes you feel comfortable or a patterned maxi if you tend to bloat after you eat (so you won’t need to worry how much of the yummy food you eat)!

    3. I’d be running for the hills. I would not do a first date at anyone’s house, for any reason (meeting at the bar doesn’t count). If he really has a private chef, he can make you dinner on date 10, or 100, not 1.

    4. Wait back up.

       His PERSONAL CHEF?!?

       What about a casual but decidedly s3xy dress like this?
       http://m.asos.com/us/vero-moda/vero-moda-tiered-satin-maxi-dress/prd/9674911?clr=ivygreen&SearchQuery=&cid=8799&gridcolumn=2&gridrow=23&gridsize=2&pge=2&pgesize=72&totalstyles=193

       Something like this with jeans would be cute. http://m.asos.com/us/only/only-frill-sleeve-off-shoulder-top/prd/9685881?clr=multi&SearchQuery=&cid=4169&gridcolumn=2&gridrow=9&gridsize=2&pge=2&pgesize=72&totalstyles=97

       But honestly, unless he seems like a formal person who will be wearing something nicer to the date at his house, I think some high waisted jeans and a Central Shirt is appropriate for a wide range of events.

    5. Wait, met at a bar last night? I skipped past that and somehow my mind read this as “guy I met who wants to go on an appropriate third or fourth date at his house.” This is a trolling post, isn’t it. Godamnit.

       Anyway if anyone else has a dinner date with a real person but wants to wear jeans this is super cute: https://www.jcrew.com/p/K0816?srcCode=AFFI0001&siteId=CJ_2178999_ShopStyle+Inc.&utm_source=ShopStyle+Inc.&utm_medium=affiliate&cjevent=11f27da5a0cf11e8829700370a240614

       1. LOVE this top! That’s what I would wear if I were going on a real home date with a person that exists and is not a complete stranger.

    6. Wait is it fake? I don’t think this is inherently dangerous? Uh maybe I’m lucky to have survived my 20s, but I would go. I’ve been known to go home with a guy *from a bar* the very night I met him (incl the guy I married). I’d text a friend the address and promise to follow-up text at X:00 PM, but otherwise, have fun!

       1. I like the friend idea. But this is exactly how being bullied into s*x (or having the feeling that you are being bullied into it) happens – the guy puts on a show for you and (even subconsciously) expects something in return. If that’s what you expect too – fine and power to you. But if you’re not there yet, it’s just not a good experience at its best. And worse things can happen (and have happened to me). I may be a control freak but I can’t stand the powerlessness of being in someone else’s domain who is physically stronger than me without some pre-established trust.

       2. Yeah, maybe it’s a troll, but when did we get so pearl-clutchy about dating? I slept with plenty of guys on the first date & lived to tell the tales. (I made myself wait till the third date with the man who is now my husband but just barely the third date )

          1. That’s not why this raises red flags. It’s because a first date in somebody’s home is just inherently creepy. I’ve slept with plenty of people on the first date, but the dates themselves were all at appropriate levels of closeness/intimacy/security for a first date.

             1. Wait a minute. It’s sketchy to go over someone’s house for a first date, but it’s not sketchy to sleep with them? You’re taking far more risk by actually taking off your clothes and sleeping with them on the first date than you are if you are just entering their home for dinner and remaining fully clothed.

20. Why are these pants not lined?!

    1. Why are these pants not lined?!

21. Since we’re getting all domestic here, talk to me about fire pits!

    I’ve always wanted one. I have a house. It has a yard, a patio, and a grassy area. If I get a wood fire pit, can I just plunk it down? Do I need a certain clearance for seating near it? Any downsides or troubleshooting?

    1. Wood fire pits are smoky and the direction of the smoke is always changing so you’re always having to move your chair to get out of the smoke.

       We got rid of ours and got a propane fire table. It’s ljke a coffee table with lava rocks and a ring of flames in the middle. We use it constantly. And it’s better for the air anyway.

       1. Ours is similar to this one. Not this exact model and we paid probably around $300. We bought ours at Orchard Supply Hardware a few years back.

          https://www.wayfair.com/outdoor/pdx/tortuga-outdoor-yosemite-stone-propane-fire-pit-table-tvz1314.html

    2. If you can put one on paving, I’d do it, for peace of mind. I’d go with seats that can be moved instead of built-in benches or chairs, because some days you’ll want to sit right up next to the fire, and some days you’ll want to be four feet away, depends on the fire and the weather.

       You’ll smell like smoke after you sit around a fire, but I don’t mind that. I wear clothes that go into the washing machine to hang out by the fire, so it’s never been an issue for me?

       If you can find someone to deliver a load of wood, you’ll need to let it sit for a year to dry out, or “cure,” for at least a year, if you want to get a nicer, less smokey fire. The thing most people forget to account for is a way to store that wood, and keep it dry, and off the ground, to avoid pests living in it.

22. Can you recommend a suit that’s small (Lands End size 4) but longer in the body? I am only 5’2 but have found suits my size are too short. Need one piece for laps with at least some padding in the bust if not actual support. Used to love Speedo long suits but cannot wear these after breastfeeding (peek-thru issue).

    1. I bought a TYR suit as a Speedo alternative. You can also search for «long torso » suits to find contenders

    2. If you want a suit that’s truly for exercise, get one from Swim Outlet.

Comments are closed.