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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 161 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Donna Karan

Suit of the Week

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Donna Karan Draped Lapel Jacket, BlackFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I really like this draped lapel jacket from Donna Karan — it's feminine and pretty, but professional. (I'm also a fan of the eyelash lace-trim top, but, as always, lace at the office is debatable.) Alas, note that the hand-braided belt is sold separately. The jacket (Donna Karan Draped Lapel Jacket, Black) is $1295, and the high-waisted skirt (Donna Karan Pieced Pencil Skirt, Black) is $695, both at Neiman Marcus.
Donna Karan Draped Lapel Jacket, Black Donna Karan Draped Lapel Jacket, Black
(L-5)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Kat

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Comments

  1. Ellen

    This is a beautiful suit, but a little to open at the top — personaly I would have to wear a TURTELNECK to keep Frank from stareing at me. I warned him about this, and told him he is MARRIED, but he said it is GENETEIC, and he can NOT help stareing, not onley at me but at most women. I asked him why he does NOT stare at Madeline, and he said he doe’s but that he trie’s NOT to. FOOEY!

    I told the manageing partner about Frank’s stareing and he told Frank to try and look at something else. So he is on the INTERNET alot, and I do NOT want to even think of what he is lookeing at. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    Dad is comeing in AGAIN tomorrow, and I don’t know WHY b/c it is ONLEY a 1/2 day. I guess he like’s to feel wanted and has to EARN his comision. HOPEFULLY, I can get the GREEN light to be a partner, so I can get a guy to MARRY me. YAY!!!!!

  2. Omaha?

    The SO and I are going to a Friday afternoon wedding in Omaha at the end of July. Since we’re long-distance and both have to fly to the wedding, we’ve decided to stay the entire weekend to spend more time together.

    Any suggestions for fun things to do on Saturday and Sunday? This trip falls fairly close to our anniversary, so we would be willing to do a pricier date/restaurant on Saturday night.

    TIA!

    • Mpls

      Omaha Zoo – I haven’t been since I was little, but I remember really liking their biome domes – different biome environments under these domes. Don’t know much else, though.

      • LH

        Seems like they are becoming the norm and I find it a bit annoying (unless it is for religious or cultural reasons). We are invited to 4 this summer, all of which are on Friday.

        • Anonymous

          You don’t have to go. Weddings are expensive and people try to save money by having them on non-traditional days.

          I was once invited to an out of town wedding on a Wednesday. The bride was the most self-centered and self-indulgent person I’ve ever known, so I was not surprised, but really?!?!

        • LH

          Oh, I know you don’t have to go. We aren’t going to most of them. I get the saving money thing, but there are other ways to trim your budget. I feel like it sort of sends the message to your guests that you’d rather have them all have to use vacation time than have half as many white roses. But as I said below about destination weddings, its about what the couple wants and if the Friday wedding makes them happy, more power to them. I’m just way less likely to go.

    • Omahan

      I suggest spending some time in the Old Market for the Saturday morning Farmers Market. The Henry Doorly Zoo is always a good call – I highly recommend the gorilla complex, desert dome and the kingdom of the night exhibit below the dome. Other museums/things to see include the Lauritzen Gardens, Durham Museum and Joslyn Art Museum.

      If I were to enjoy an anniverary dinner, I would check J. Coco, Grey Plume, V. Mertz or M’s Pub. If you’re out west, Dante Pizzeria Napoletana is also very good.

      The Midtown Crossing area has lots of restaurants with good patios, a good movie theater (go for the VIP seating and order from full service bar/menu during the movie), and sponsors a large yoga in the park event on Sunday afternoons, I believe.

      Benson neighborhood features a good number of bars and good restaurants (Lot 2, etc.) and the Dundee neighborhood features Pitch Pizzeria, Mark’s Bistro, Dario’s Brassiere, French Bulldog and Dundee Dell if you’re really into scotch.

      I suggest pulling up a bunch of the menus and making reservations for whatever sounds good to you. Enjoy your time in Omaha!

      • Fellow Omahan

        I agree with everything you said and don’t have anything to add. I just wanted to say hello to a fellow Omahan!

        • Omahan

          Hello! I’ve always wondered how many other Omahans are lurking out here.

  4. Diana Barry

    Ladies, I’m starting to look for a new work tote. This is to hold all of my files (legal sized redwelds, not more than one big one), and my lunchbox and shoes (and pump stuff for a little while longer). So the dimensions need to be BIG – about 17″ wide – in order to fit the redweld.

    Any suggestions? Under $300 would be great.

    • RR

      Can I shamelessly plug the Lo & Sons O.G.? I love that company. My O.G. definitely holds a redweld, lunch, etc., has a shoe compartment at the bottom that keeps shoes separate from everything else, and if you catch a sale (which isn’t too hard), is under $300. Love, love, love.

      • Diana Barry

        It looks like the redweld would stick out at the corners. No? Also, how big are the interior dividers? I don’t like those.

        • RR

          I think it depends on how thick your redweld is. An inch would probably be fine. 3 inches, not so much.

          The dividers are barely noticeable. There’s one for the laptop that hangs on one side, then some small ones on the other side, but the main compartment is just a big, open compartment.

          • Diana Barry

            I’d probably have to try it. Unfortunately the sum thickness of the files I bring home is usually around 3″!

          • RR

            I know I’ve had a redweld in it. I’ve packed for business trips just in this bag–so laptop, clothes, shoes, etc. I redweld is only like 10 inches or so tall, so as long as you can take advantage of the full height of the bag, the redweld is going to sit below the tapered top. It does have the separate shoe compartment at the bottom, but the shoes can go kind of to the side.

            Mine is at home right now, but I’ll play with it tonight/tomorrow and see if it would fit what you want to fit. I usually use my T.T. for most days, so I haven’t played with every configuration of O.G. contents. :)

      • SFBayA

        I’ve put a full letter-size redweld + 15″ PC laptop in my OG and zipped it up without a problem with room to spare. Unless I need to look super formal, it’s the best court bag ever.

        How big is your lunchbox? What kind of shoes? I don’t think that my OG would fit a full 3″ redweld and 2″ thick 15″ laptop and 3″ heels and my glasslock tupperware lunch and another set of cords/equipment. Plus the shoe compartment is soft, so the redweld would smush my shoes.

        • Diana Barry

          Lunchbox is big, the shoes are usually not, BUT in the winter sometimes I do take my boots in my bag if I am wearing my snow boots. Does the nylon really look OK? I hear nylon and think of all the students with their Le Pliages.

          • RR

            I think the nylon looks great. And the weight trade off is worth it. Plus, the bag has nice leather accents.

            I had a huge Hobo bag that was all leather that would fit everything you want to fit, but I wouldn’t recommend it because it broke after a year.

    • darjeeling

      I have the Patagonia barista tote and it’s very practical for work documents and ancillary stuff. I’m not sure it’s quite 17″ but it’s big and costs way under $300

      • darjeeling

        I just tested and a half-full legal size redweld fit although it reduces the lateral size of the bag if that makes sense, the bag was slightly flattened and the 2 ends were extended.

  5. Trixie

    I LOVE this! The lace looks amazing – probably couldn’t get away with it at my office – but if I were 13 years old and ‘r e t t e was a fashion magazine… I would DEFINITELY cut this picture out and put it on my bulletin board or in a collage. Maybe with a puffy paint border that says “wHeN I gRoW uP!”

  6. Aria

    Has anyone here ever signed up for Events & Adventures to meet new people? Any thoughts/recommendations/reviews?

  7. TO Lawyer

    If you watch Pretty Little Liars (best guilty pleasure show ever – I don’t care that it’s made for 14 year old girls), you have to read the recaps on Go Fug Yourself. I am still giggling to myself at my desk.

    • Maggie

      I also completely shamelessly love both Pretty Little Liars and Go Fug Yourself! They did a previous season fashion recap a few weeks back that was great, I’ll have to check out the episode recaps.

      • AIMS

        Love GFY. Haven’t seen Pretty Little Liars, but their Fug The Fromage features of bad lifetime movies are my favorite thing ever. You don’t need to have seen the movies. They’re amazing.

    • Anon in NYC

      I also love Pretty Little Liars. Maybe a teensy bit of shame, but I’m never going to be lauded for my taste in music, movies, or tv, so I’m okay with it.

  8. Pregomama

    Baby mama drama…but really, this is about family politics.

    I registered for a piece of baby equipment (food processor/steamer if it matters…). I get a call from my mom telling me that she had purchased this very same type of equipment (“got a great deal on it back in the fall”–let’s not even talk about how I wasn’t pregnant and wasn’t trying in the fall….so who knows why she got this thing) and would I want it instead of the one I registered for. I asked her to send me a link to the version she got, and I’d check it out. She tells me she knows we’re “picky about kitchenware” (true–but she’s also the polar opposite of picky about kitchenware and does not own real knives…) so she wants to make sure this is something we’d be OK with having.

    I check it out. All of the online reviews say that the brand she got is total junk: it doesn’t work, gets too hot, breaks, spews hot baby food all over the place, etc. etc. Literally 1/5 stars on Amazon. So I shoot her a link to the reviews, say something neutral like “check out these reviews and tell me what you think—I don’t know how I feel about a product that has NO good reviews.” Anyway, just heard back from her telling me, essentially, she thinks what she got is totally fine and could I just take the version I want off my registry. Before anyone suggests this, I’m about 99% sure she got it on clearance a million years ago and can’t return it, so that’s a non-starter.

    This is classic behavior for my mother, and I typically play this game by accepting her present and never using it/donating it and replacing it with what I asked for originally. Except she’ll be over ALL THE TIME once the baby comes. She will clearly notice that I’m using a different brand and NOT the one she got me.

    What’s the best way to handle this? My thoughts so far include: (A) make a big deal of this now because she did in fact ask (B) take it off the registry, accept the present, put it in the donate pile, buy the one we want and tell her it broke when she comes to visit or (C) take it off the registry, buy the one we want, and tell her straight up “we weren’t comfortable using the one you got; it’s up in the attic/at goodwill.”

    I’m sure the right answer is B, but my pregnant brain is really tired, and isn’t up to its standard capacity for mom-nonsense. I can’t even believe I’ve put this much thought into some baby product. But…I think the bigger issue is this will continue to happen, and has always happened. WHY DOES SHE EVEN ASK!?

    • goldribbons

      My answer would be (D): Stick with what you said already, and shut down the conversation completely, a la, “No thank you Mom, I do not want that food processor. I take the health of my future baby and my family (and my home cleanliness) very seriously and your food processor will not work in our home. I really would like the one on my registry.” Like I said, I’m pretty direct about these things. I don’t think it has to be a big deal; just repeat yourself if necessary and stick with “No thanks.”

    • RR

      The correct answer is (D): Tell her that you’ve researched at length to make sure that you get the piece of equipment that is best for you, and you’ve chosen the one on your registry. Thank her for thinking of you, but tell her no thank you on the gift. I would say, “Thanks so much for thinking of us, but we have researched at length to find the perfect item for us, and that’s the one on our registry. So, we won’t be able to use the one you purchased, but I’m sure it will make a great gift for someone else.”

      Do not take crap you don’t want from someone. My MIL just tried to pawn off some giant ball that my kids were supposed to get inside and then be rolled around our backyard in? I don’t want that. For so many reasons. So, I had my husband tell her thanks for thinking of us, but it won’t work for us.

      Obviously, different rules apply when something is given as a gift, in which case you must accept graciously, but anything that starts with “I have this POS laying around that I’d like to dump on you because I can’t control my shopping impulses and buy stupid POS in the first place” does not make me feel like I have to accept. (Clearly, I have MIL issues.)

        • Pregomama

          See below for what happens when I go the direct route. I’m just weighing having to listen to her get huffy/offended/whine/pout now when I tell her what she wants to do isn’t what I want, or tell a white lie and pawn this thing off on someone else once she gifts it to me and we don’t use it.

          See also:
          -the time she bought me the running sneakers I wanted, but in a different size !!), because they were on sale and she thought they “were close enough.”
          -the time she tried to surprise me with a “mother daughter” trip to the Caribbean…where I’d be flying out on Christmas Eve and staying five days…,when I was engaged to be married, had holiday plans, couldn’t get off of work (and if I could have, wouldn’t have gone with her), and she bought tickets without asking/consulting me and was HUGELY upset when I didn’t go.
          -my attic full of stuff/ the shelf at Good will full of stuff she thinks I’ll like, but don’t.
          – the jacket she “bought for my husband” that is an XL Tall (my dad’s size) and was bought five years ago (we tried to exchange it for one that would fit)

          • Diana Barry

            Eh….you’ll have to be direct sooner or later. Otherwise you’ll be overrun with stuff! I would be direct NOW rather than later. :)

            Does she also pout for a while after you ‘reject’ something from her? If so, the “busy” excuse works very well – mom, I’ve just got to write this thank you note/do this thing for the baby’s room/etc., and then after the baby is born, “gotta go, mom, I hear the baby”.

            Good luck!

          • zora

            I totally hear what you are saying. But, now that you have a baby on the way, this is the time to start training her that you are not going to keep shielding her from the consequences of these dumb ideas. You are going to have a baby that will take up all of your time and energy. You will no longer have time to play “accept, donate, buy new one, invent story about how it broke” games about every single gift she buys the baby. You can’t control how she reacts, but you can control how you deal with this behavior, and I think you need to start now to practice giving her an honest answer that meets your needs without being unnecessarily mean to her. And then shutting down any new attempt at the conversation, “Thank you for the offer, but no thank you.” “Mom, I love you for thinking of us, but this will not work, thank you anyway.” I know it’s not easy, but it will get easier with practice, and you should start practicing now rather than after the baby comes and you are that much more tired and busy. Good luck, and Hugs!!!

          • AIMS

            Can you tell her to keep the one she got at her house for when you bring the baby over and you keep the one you want at your house? “Mom, I really had my heart set on the one I researched and picked, but we’ll be over so much it’d be great if you had one on hand for when I bring over the baby”

            And, yes, it totally sucks when someone well-meaning gets you something that is not at all what you want or could use.

          • RR

            You have to break the cycle at some point. Before you have a baby is perfect timing. Trust me. Babies generate more stupid crap you don’t want than you have ever seen before in your life. Practice now.

      • NOLA

        Yes, this. Do not take it off of your registry. The one your mother bought is not the one you want. And you do know how you feel about it.

      • Anon in NYC

        “My MIL just tried to pawn off some giant ball that my kids were supposed to get inside and then be rolled around our backyard in?”

        Oh my goodness, that is AMAZING. Who in their right mind would think “hey, let’s put little children in a giant ball and let them run around like they’re a hamster because that’s totally safe”?! Side note – as an adult, I think it would be really fun for me and my friends after a few drinks.

        • RR

          I know, right? Let’s put my two five year olds in a giant plastic hamster ball and have them roll around the backyard. That will end well. We went with, “Our backyard gets really muddy, so it will just get stuck and not work for us. But thanks for thinking of us!”

          And the fact that she offered it to me at all means it had already been rejected by her three children living closer who also have kids. And then she was totally passive aggressive about it at a dinner with my parents. My mom is also guilty, but it’s usually just an outfit or something. Even if it’s not my style, it’s not going to hurt anyone.

        • Gus

          How is it not safe? I’ve seen those, I think they look like fun (for drunk adults or for kids, whichever).

        • Blonde Lawyer

          She can send that thing to me! I totally want to try it – sober! Preferably down a bike trail or some other public exercise spot where I can try to make it look like the new way to get in shape.

      • ITDS

        I think your MIL and mine are the same person! Thank god we don’t have/want kids – she’s getting more irrational by the year! She used to make huge feasts for small family dinners “so you can eat the leftovers at home all week” and would make us take the leftovers home in innumerable styrofoam takeout containers. We thanked her and then dumped them in the trash at the gas station on our way home because if we didn’t take it she would threated that FIL would have to eat it all. Ugh. I don’t have any real advice except stay strong.

    • Anon

      Why don’t you politely tell her how you actually feel instead of “I don’t know how I feel about a product that has no good reviews…”? You asked her what she thinks and made it seem like you’re going to consider her opinion, which is probably why she replied the way she did.

      Nicely tell her you’re not interested after thinking it over and reading through more reviews and leave it on the registry. Maybe she’s have a fit, but she’ll get over it.

      • Senior Attorney

        This. It seems like she gave you a chance to politely decline and you muffed it. So go back and say “I looked at the reviews again and I think we’ll stick with the one on the registry. Thanks for asking in advance!”

        • Pregomama

          If it were my husband, or anyone else with whom I can communicate like a rational person, that’s what I would have said. But I’ve been down this road before, and it ends in huffiness, pouting, and other childish behavior.

          Example: she’s been angling to sew the curtains/misc other nursery décor for the baby’s room. I shot this down immediately because she is only at best a mediocre seamstress, never finishes things on time, and it NEVER comes out like it’s supposed to. I care far more about this than the food processor and politely declined from the get-go. I’m STILL hearing about it, and STILL getting her offering to do it. I’ve bought AND HUNG curtains (in the room that is still used as an office because the baby isn’t due til fall!) simply so I can say, “thanks for thinking of us, but I found a set I loved and we’re all set.” This was months ago.

          • Anonymous

            My mom can be guilty of this. I hate to say it, but I treat her like a child. First time she brings up thing I already said no to: “Mom, we already discussed this. I appreciate the offer, but I’m not interested. I don’t want to talk about this again.” Second time: “Mom, let’s talk about something else. ::Insert subject change::” Third time: “Mom, like I said, I don’t want to talk about this any more, so I’m hanging up/leaving/going to go talk to Dad now.”

            It took about a year, but there’s been improvement in the “dwelling on nonsense and attempting to guilt me about it” category.

    • Godzilla

      E) RAWR AT YOUR MOM.

      Alternatively, accept it and keep the preferred item in your registry. There’s no harm in trying out what your mom gave you. If it really does suck, get rid of it and tell her that you tried. You can return/exchange registry items, right?

      • Pregomama

        You could…except this wasn’t on my registry. And she probably bought it 2 years ago and has had it in the attic (though she said she picked it up last fall FOR A STEAL).

    • Pregomama

      Goldribbons and RR: you’ve both expressed exactly how I *feel*. But I’ve been down this road so many times before, and it always ends with my mom pouting about how what she wants to do “just isn’t good enough” or some snide crack about my taste in home furnishings/kitchen appliances/fashion/you name it. And I think she bought this god knows when, but has it now in her head that she bought it for me (when I wasn’t pregnant…but again…let’s not go there) and now it’s not good enough EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST ASKED if it was good enough.

      It’s just…we’re so different. We spend the same amount of money on things, but she ends up with 10 items she never uses “but got such a great deal on!” and I end up with two quality things. This woman has SIX DIFFERENT SETS OF DINNERWARE. I have one, but it’s high(er) end. I’m not out buying luxury brands of things.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Is it hoarding or some kind of shopping addiction? My mother is a hoarder and I grew up with boxes full of items bought on sale to give as gifts. Every Christmas or birthday party we went to involved a scary trip into the garage to search the boxes for a suitable gift to give. I can’t give you impartial advice on this topic because hoarding is just one of a myriad of issues my mother has and I chose to cut her out of my life, but I wanted to say I understand the frustration you’re feeling.

        • Pregomama

          Nah, it’s not hoarding in the needs-intervention sense. She’s just one of those people that can’t pass up “good deals” and ends up with a gift closet. And rather than shop for individuals based on their own personality, she just sort of grabs things from the gift closet and assumes it will be close enough.

          And/or she sees “great deals” on something for someone specific, loses it (she’s also not very organized), then three years later finds it. I think she is a woman of few hobbies, and enjoys the “thrill of the sale.”

      • KLG

        I know this is SO hard to let go of, but you just have to settle on “we’re different” and own it. My MIL moved in with us for about 6 months and I thought I was going to lose it because she buys tons of crap for $1 and thinks it is ridiculous that I pay all kinds of money for a single item that I really want when I want it and she constantly talks about how she wasn’t raised to spend money that way. So now when she makes comments that bug me, I just say “Exactly, you know how I am about my stuff!” with a big fat smile on my face. I am much happier now that I just own my position as the snobby city girl. If it bothers her fine, but I can’t waste my time trying to defend it. When she offers me stuff, I just her that I don’t think it will get used so she’s probably better off seeing if someone else wants it or I tell her that we just have too much crap already and don’t have space for it.

        • Olivia Pope

          I think the problem is that you’ve made it your job to protect your mom from the pouting/feelings that are the result of her behavior. She’s the one who impulse shops. She’s the one trying to get rid of stuff through you. She’s the one deciding to pout when you act reasonable and turn the stuff down. You are not responsible for any of that.

          Trust me, when you learn how to put your foot down you will be glad! You will save yourself so much emotional energy. Your mom will get over this episode, and all the ones that follow.

      • RR

        So my MIL. It’s obviously much easier for me because it’s my MIL, but I just say no and am okay with her being annoyed and making passive aggressive comments about me and my snobby tastes (no, I don’t want the carseat you found at a garage sale for my unborn child, but thank you). The more you say no, the more they stop. My MIL hadn’t offered me anything in a long time before the hamster ball. :)

        • Pregomama

          Hahaha my MIL is a dream. She literally calls and says “can you please make a registry so I know exactly what you want and can order it?” She’s used to DH, who is ultra-persnickety. MIL is also a huge kitchenware snob, so she can relate to the difference between an enamel coated cast iron vs. cast iron pan ;)

    • darjeeling

      Or you could take hers and if the one you want is a Beaba and you’re in NY I’ll give you our barely used one. =) I found it was easier to just steam stuff on the stove and use the blender b/c the baby food machine only made a tiny quantity at once.

      Vis a vis your mother, I would probably just bite my tongue, try hers out and if you don’t like it, get the other one.

      • Niktaw

        This.
        Every “baby item” except for clothing, bottles, a carseat and a crib is optional. Items for baby food preparation are uber-optional. Give your perfectionism a rest on this one.

        • RR

          Let a girl have some fun with her first baby. I feel like it’s a right of new moms to buy stuff that’s probably going to be useless and to care a ridiculous amount about said stuff. Some of those things end up being godsends, and everyone is different anyway. I don’t know how many people told me not to stress about a swing, and you couldn’t have pried that thing out of my cold dead hands (actually either of our two–twins).

      • NYC

        Haha! Used Beaba’s are for sale all over my neighborhood listserv (Brooklyn).

        The thing is, if you really like to cook and have nice appliances, you are going to find them much easier to use than the special baby food thing. Especially if you are back at work and wanting to make a lot and freeze it. Plus the baby will only eat steamed/pureed for for a very short period of them. And then he’s like “REAL FOOD MOM” (or at least that is what I think my 17 month old is grunting at me as he throws himself at my corn on the cob as though his life depended on it).

        I know this isn’t what you are asking about though.

    • mascot

      You’ll have to learn to be kind, but firm with parents on so many parenting decisions. A lot of them can be couched as safety reasons (hence why my kid doesn’t have a motorized car that can’t be seen by drivers in their SUVs, sorry MIL). For the rest of it, smile nicely, thank her and do what you want. My mom is also an impulse buyer but at least is learning to save receipts so I can take it back if needed.

    • Anonymous

      my family is so sensitive about gifts. it’s like a personal affront to my mother and sister if they buy you something that you don’t like/ doesn’t fit. and they are queens of the final sale, so returning/ exchanging is never an option. i go back and forth between just taking the gift and donating it versus declining it outright. it helps that i live far away so they never have to see that i never wear that thing they gave me.

      in your situation, i actually think it might be a better strategy to decline the gift. there will be lots and lots and lots of baby gifts coming your way from your mother, and you will save yourself a lot of hassle (storing or donating the item, coming up with excuses as to why its not in use, purchasing replacements) if you nip it in the bud. you’ll probably get a reputation as a “picky” mom, or you may end up hurting her feelings, but this is a potentially snowballing problem that could probably benefit from not letting get too out of hand.

    • L

      The correct answer is “No thank you.”

      You are an adult. You get to want what you want for no other reason other than you want it. You don’t need to justify, or debate, or explain your reasoning. It’s just “no thank you.”

      Further, you need to start setting boundaries with your mom ASAP. I have no kids, but can’t imagine the sh*tstorm that my life would be if I didn’t practice the “no thank you” with my mother who could be your mom’s twin.

    • been there

      I have a different perspective:

      just accept the gift from your mom and take it off the registry. then when the time comes, try it. if its as bad as the reviews suggest, dont use it. although these steamers can help, you can do everything (and i mean everything) with stuff you probably already have in your kitchen. and if you decide at that point that you really want one, go out an buy it. But ultimately, you really only need baby food for like 6 months (age 6 mo to 1 year, if even), so i know you are pregnant and everything is annoying right now, but please dont get too worked up over this. there are so many other things you are going to want to kill your mother about after the baby comes (not to mention your MIL) that this shoudl not be one of them.

      • Samantha

        +1 to this. I realized that for me, being non-confrontational is better for my stress levels and clears more mindspace that would’ve otherwise been spent on obsessing over “how should I say this”/”what will she think”/”how could she do this” type stuff. Fewer antagonistic conversations. Lets me float through life with my own thoughts and dreams.

        You won’t even use a food processor for another 5 to 6 months after the baby’s born. After that, you *may* use it – or you may just mash bananas in a bowl, add rice cereal and milk and make a mush.
        Accept the gift, thank her. You can buy your preferred item later on if you still want it when the time comes.
        You won’t actively be processing food every time she’s over, and after 6 months, even if she sees it she may not remember. If she does see it, notices that it isn’t the one she gave you, and asks you why, then you can come up with something – that one broke, or it doesn’t mash up finely enough, or whatever. Postpone the problem. It may go away.

  9. why can't i comment?

    tj: are sock buns approp for work? (summer at a midsize, business casual office) its neat, but its my second day hair and i feel weird about it.

    • Maggie

      My office is business casual but part of a manufacturing facility where I’m much dressier than many people coming through the office so my view may be skewed, but I think they’re fine. Multiple people at my office are wearing one today, including me. If you’re going with the typical sock bun style of very neatly pulled back, I think it’s appropriate.

    • ac

      Since you’re a summer and assuming you started recently, I’d say err on the side of caution and reevaluate whether it’s appropriate after a few weeks of work.

      I just google image searched for “sock bun” — yes, i’m that old & uncool — and I’d say it’s 50/50 as to whether the pictured hairstyles would be appropriate for my biglaw firm (and we’re biz casual/relatively laid back).

      And wait, as I re-read, are you saying you’re currently wearing it and reconsidering so want to now take it out during the workday? Unless you have a more formal event later today (that would include meeting a partner, a social event, etc.), I’d leave it in rather than change hairstyle midday.

      • AIMS

        I may be erring on the side of caution, but I think it really depends on how you do it. I’ve seen some that are worn very high and it does look a bit too trendy to me. Others that are slightly more modified look great though. I think if yours is not directly sitting on your head like a crown, you’re probably fine.

      • zora

        aaahhhh, i just googled and now see what you mean. I was picturing (my comment below) the very traditional, at the nape of the neck, neatly pulled back sock bun. As in, one of the standard regulation hairstyles for women in the military. If it is super poofy and up on top of your head, I would not really consider that appropriate for a professional office.

    • zora

      heck yeah! I think they are arguably the MOST professional hairstyle, in a traditional sense, more than loose hair down. And don’t feel weird about second day hair, it’s probably not noticeable to others. I love Klorane’s dry shampoo, and use it to stretch my hair to three or even four days.

      • A Nonny Moose

        All this exactly. Dry shampoo your roots, Klorane is awesome, and wear a sock bun, just make sure it’s not on top of your head (the trendy way to do it).

    • Susie

      I think they’re fine to wear and personally like the look, I just unfortunately can not do it neatly. :/ My hair is just past the shoulders, not quite long enough to really get the ends tucked into the middle. Plus my hair is pretty fine so I have to be careful about how I spread it over the “sock” (I have a mesh one that matches my hair color) to avoid bare spots.

      • OP

        op here, thank you all for your feedback! it is not on top of my head, more of a neat ballerina bun. I just have fine hair and don’t have enough to make a cute bun without the sock/mesh thingy. I’m leaving it for the rest of the day (i shudder to think what my hair would look like if i took it out right now). Thanks again ladies !

        • zora

          oh, then this is PERFECT. I think a neat ballerina bun is very professional for work. You’re good! ;o)

    • Pat

      I didn’t know what a sock bun was…had to Google too! I like it but yes, its a bit casual which might work in a more relaxed/casual office.

  10. AlaskaLaw

    $1295 for the jacket? $695 for the skirt? I can’t do it…I like quality clothes and I try to buy the highest quality I can afford, but somehow I think the suit I buy for $350 isn’t lacking in quality so much as lacking an extra $1,000 on the price tag…I mean, there’s high quality and then there’s stupid expensive, don’t you think?

    Or would people on this site really pay almost $2K for a suit?

    • AIMS

      I think this one is more of a design issue. It’s rather unique and interesting and I, for one, haven’t seen anything comparable in a lower price point. Would I spend $2k on it now? No. Could I see myself spending this much if certain things in my life changed (such as my salary quadrupled, I had no student loans, owned a nice apartment with a reasonable monthly payment, and I already had a closet full of essentials ) ? Maybe. Though I’d probably wait for a friends and family promo or some other sale to pull the trigger.

      • Anonymous

        Yup, that’s how I feel. I actually think buying a $350 Banana Republic suit is sillier than buying this one, even though it is far more expensive, when you could easily get the BR one on sale. I can’t afford this now, but if I make partner, I would totally buy it. I haven’t seen anything like this for cheaper.

    • Lyssa

      I agree with this: “There’s high quality and then there’s stupid expensive.” That said, I think that a lot of Kat’s picks, especially in the afternoon (and Mondays) are more for “Let’s look at pretty pictures for inspiration and ideas” rather than “this is something that you should actually buy.” Which is fun, too. I know I wouldn’t spend this much, even if I felt like I could afford it.

      • Olivia Pope

        I take the “pretty inspirational pictures” stance. Based on this picture, I now know that I love shawl collars and the idea of drapey suit jacket. Am I going to pay $1300 for a single jacket to get that look? Nope. But if this filters down to designers at lower price points, I will snatch it up.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I would pay $2K for a nice suit. My closet is well stocked and I don’t need to spend money on essentials very often. At this point, I just buy things that I really love and which look nice. I have plenty of cheaper suits that have piled up over the years and which I don’t really like anymore. All I need these days is two or three nice suits, not a bunch of less-nice ones (and yes, I do really think that there is a huge difference). I think the one Kat picked here is really nice, design-wise – I’d have to see it in person, though, I’ve been burned on a couple of Donna Karan items that looked nice online but had terrible fabric in person.

      • BB

        Agree on this. Let’s not start judging each other for how much we are willing to spend on a suit. I have found some $2K suits that are high quality enough to warrant the price for me, and they do last longer. Also agree on the DK quality comment. They’re not usually a brand I would shell out that much money for.

        • zora

          totally. “over-achieving” men often pay $2000+ for each suit. Why wouldn’t women?

  11. Anon

    Inspired by the Friday weddings comment above, do people feel the same way about destination weddings? I’ve personally wanted to have a destination wedding and both our families have a connection to the Carribbean location and have encouraged us to do it, but what do guests normally think? We’ve thought about renting a villa on the island for our friends who otherwise couldn’t afford to go so they’d only need airfare and food/spending money. We also completely understand that some people wouldn’t be able to come. If a destination wedding is also seen as a negative by guests, is there a way to make it less so?

    • KLG

      If my friends provided free lodging, I would definitely buy airline ticket/food/etc. to get to their destination wedding. Generally the only thing stopping me from attending a destination wedding is cost and/or not enough notice (i.e. people send out the save the dates a year in advance, but don’t decide on a specific destination or even that it will be a destination wedding until later, at which point my vacation days and/or discretionary spending are spoken for).

      I honestly rate destination weddings above both Friday and Sunday weddings.

    • Lyssa

      Destination weddings are a pet peeve of mine, personally. They mean that you either miss the wedding of someone who you might really care about being a part of their important event, or you have to use your resources (money, travel headaches, vacation time) to go on the vacation that *they* chose, instead of your own. I know that they don’t have to come, but, still, everyone winds up feeling bad. I’m sorry if this comes across as rude, but I think that the whole thing is somewhat obnoxious. I know a lot of weddings involve travel, but it’s usually something that can be a long weekend, rather than having to make a vacation out of it. Plus, who wants a couple of dozen relatives along for their honeymoon?

      I think it would be OK if it’s a wedding that the majority of your guests would have to travel for anyway, and if you make it an easy to get to location (i.e., within the U.S., if most of your guests are from here). But putting it in some exotic location – I say no. Have a nice local wedding, and go somewhere exotic together, just the two of you, afterwards.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve come to the conclusion that most of my guests would have to travel a lot, whenever/wherever I get married. I’ve lived in 7 different states so far (and will probably move somewhere new in the next two or three years), none of which border one another. Just close family (siblings, parents, grandparents, parents’ siblings and their children) span 6 additional states and two countries. High school, college, and graduate school were all in three different states and people have scattered since (obviously). And that’s not counting hypothetical Mr. Future Groom who has probably led a life of his own.

        Hometown? What’s that?

        • goldribbons

          I feel that even in this type of scenario, asking everyone from your life to travel to a mutually-(dis)agreeable US location (assuming everyone is from the US), like Chicago or Austin, is totally normal and understandable — and doesn’t count as a “destination” wedding the way the Bahamas or Hawaii would.

        • Anon

          We are from opposite sides of the country, so half our guests would have to travel wherever we have it. Offhand, both of our families like and encourage the idea and a good chunk of our friends travel quite a bit. I totally get the points that everyone is making about using their time off to go on our vacation though.

          Does the period of time you’d invite people to be there make a difference? Like say we invite people down on a Friday, ceremony on Saturday, fly home Sunday versus inviting people down for 5 days with the ceremony on the last day?

      • Nonny

        I agree with Lyssa. I’ve been thinking a lot about destination weddings lately because my fiance raised the idea of having one – but honestly I just don’t think they’re fair to the guests. When my friends were younger, there’s no way they could have afforded to attend a destination wedding. Now that they are older, they all have small children, so probably couldn’t attend anyway (cost again, or childcare issues, other family obligations, etc.). I don’t want people to feel they have to make a sacrifice because they feel obligated to come. I just want people to come and have a great time. Unfortunately, with destination weddings, I think there’s a lot of stress around can we/can’t we attend that shouldn’t be there.

    • TBK

      I feel like these days, every wedding is a “destination” wedding, even if the destination is Minnetonka, Minnesota, just because people move around so much. So if the airfare isn’t really more than they’d be paying if the wedding was domestic (so no more than $400 per ticket), and it isn’t going to require them to take extra time off from work (so no flights longer than about 4-5 hrs), or get a passport if they don’t already have one, then I don’t see a problem. That said, I’d run this by some of my most important guests first. Is your grandma going to be able to travel there? Do you have people you really care about who aren’t likely to be into the whole flying to an island thing? I think what people dislike about destination weddings is when the bride and groom pitch it as “come have a long, expensive vacation to celebrate our wedding because we think this would be an amazing vacation and haven’t really thought about whether this is what you’d pick for your vacation, or whether this means you won’t get to have your own vacation of your own choosing because you spent all your vacation time and vacation money attending a celebration of us and our love!”

    • Olivia Pope

      Normally, I think they’re obnoxious. BUT there are some exceptions to my personal opinion that should have no bearing on what you do:

      1) The marrieds want/need a very small wedding anyway. Destination weddings are a great excuse to invite incredibly few people.
      2) The marrieds have a reason to go to that particular place. Your families have a particular connection to the Caribbean, so going there makes sense.
      3) Like Lyssa said: everyone has to travel anyway and getting there isn’t too difficult for everyone.
      4) The travel isn’t a hardship for the guests / the marrieds would provide help to people who needed it.

      • Miss K

        +1

        I don’t necessarily think it’s obnoxious (because you don’t HAVE to attend), but when my friend had one for the reasons above and the destination was my hometown, it gave me a reason to (1) go home (2) explore other parts of “home” and I don’t think anybody else who attended resented it because we love her and care about her and it happens to be a very popular vacay destination. Also, she did a fabulous job on the wedding weekend and made it clear that attendence would be our gift to her.

    • Bonnie

      I don’t mind destination weddings when the couple has a connection to the destination and has family and friends in the area. I hate destination weddings where the couple picks a random location and expects everyone to travel there, especially on a Friday in bumper to bumper traffic.

    • Gus

      To me, it depends on the destination. If someone just picks a random Caribbean island, assuming that all their friends would like to go there for a week, I’m not a huge fan of that (and as another poster said — who wants all those people essentially along for their honeymoon?) On the other hand, there was a point in my life where I thought I might kill myself if I attended one more wedding in Westchester County. So I come out kind of in between — I think a nice destination that is personal to the couple or is near where people would have to travel to anyway works well. So if you live in Boston and decide to have your wedding on the Cape or in Newport, I get that and it’s nice. Or if you live in SF, and decide to have the wedding in Napa or Sonoma, great. Or if you grew up in Philadelphia, but your family has been going to Nantucket for summer vacation your whole life, also great.

      • TBK

        That said, you’re still never going to please everyone. I come from Boston and my cousin had her wedding on Martha’s Vineyard. My mother has not stopped complaining about it since (and it’s been 2 1/2 yrs). And, no, my mother didn’t go. And, no, no one gave her a hard time about not going. But she thought my cousin was being selfish by asking people to go out to MV for two nights. (My mom is kind of “that” aunt who’s going to have a problem with pretty much whatever the other relatives do.)

    • Frustrated Academic

      We had a “destination” wedding in my husband’s hometown in New England (destination in the sense that everyone but his parents had to travel). We gave our guests plenty of notice, coordinated lodging, and planned activities for most of the three days (welcome dinner, lunch, wedding, farewell bruch), so that once you were there, there was not much that you had to figure out. That being said, we realized that many people would not\could not attend (out of 160 invited, about 90 came), because DH’s hometown is two hours away from the nearest airport. I think guests understand when the destination is somewhere important to the couple.

    • Anon in NYC

      I don’t get too worked up about destination weddings. I go when I can take the time off work and can afford it, and don’t when I can’t. But, I think there are some things that the couple can do to reduce annoyance for guests:

      1) have a reason for getting married where you want to get married (e.g., family connections to the Caribbean). Note: while I do not think this is a “requirement” I do think that people are generally less annoyed by the travel/expense/vacation time when the location is meaningful to the couple.;

      2) make sure that the date is not too annoying (having to travel over a holiday weekend is annoying and costs more, even though most people will have a 3-day weekend);

      3) assuming that guests can afford to go, and rsvp’d yes, include them in everything. That means if you’re getting married on a Saturday night that you have a cocktail reception for everyone who is flying down on Friday evening, or you arrange with the hotel to have breakfast included in their hotel rate, etc. Or, arrange for activities / create materials that tell guests what they can do in the area (in an out of town bag, on your wedding website, etc.). AND, communicate those arrangements to the guests beforehand. Don’t let them guess if you have events planned.

      I think managing a destination wedding is a delicate balancing act between cost and being a gracious host. The objective should be to provide as much as you can for your guests that you can afford. If you cannot afford to provide an experience for your guests that you would want as a guest at a destination wedding, I’d re-evaluate.

      • Anon

        Thank you. This is really helpful too. His family owns a home on the island and coincidentally it was a favorite vacation spot for my family. So there is a connection there, but maybe not as strong a connection as one would hope for. On the other hand, my giant family will make up a large percentage of the guest list.

        I love the suggestion above about running it past some of our guests and I’ll definitely do that too.

        • AIMS

          I am really baffled that people are so anti-destination wedding. We were recently invited to a wedding on a tiny little southern island and going would have involved a plane, a boat, and a van. We didn’t go. Other friends went and were excited to visit a place they otherwise wouldn’t have gone to. I didn’t see it as a big deal. Maybe this will sound jaded, but there are very few people in my life whose wedding I simply “must” attend. I think that as long as you keep your wedding list on the small side* and make it easy on people to attend/not attend, get married wherever you want. Esp. if your fiance has a house there and your family used to vacation there – that’s like the best reason to get married somewhere!

          * I do think it can come across as a bit tacky when you have a really large guest list for a wedding that few are likely to attend because it can be seen as a gift grab.

    • LH

      So I sort of had a quasi-destination wedding (in a fairly remote part of New England that was not where either myself or my husband grew up) but it was actually easier for many of our guests to get to than my Midwestern hometown, which is also quite remote, i.e. expensive to fly to and not super close to an airport. As others have said, in this day and age most people have to travel for weddings. Our friends/family were pretty equally spread out between California, the Midwest, and major Northeast cities, and it was more convenient for the friends in the Northeast and not less convenient for the CA friends. We invited 120 people and about 80 came, which I think is at least an average turnout. (Our wedding was also on a Sunday, as is typical of Jewish weddings). I’m biased, because I did it, but I don’t think having a wedding in a part of the US you didn’t grow up is rude to guests, because everyone travels to get to most weddings. But I agree that having a wedding somewhere outside of the country (assuming one member of the couple is not from there), particularly somewhere very expensive to get to, sends the message that you care more about being in an exotic location than spending time with your friends and family – that’s what the honeymoon is for. That said, my view is that the wedding is for the couple and I would not be offended if a close friend had a destination wedding and I couldn’t go because of cost/vacation time. I would be sad and disappointed, but I understand it is the couple’s choice. I think I’ve said this before, but if you are not in the position to go to a destination wedding (or wedding in the US that requires travel) it is better to decline and send a heartfelt card & gift than to go and whine about the cost. We have no hard feelings towards our guests who couldn’t make it. We were very hurt by a few guests (including one of my bridesmaids, who I’ve later realized is kind of a crappy person) who came and constantly complained to others within our earshot about the cost (and this girl didn’t even have to fly, unlike most of our guests).

    • MH

      I think destination weddings are fine. It’s your wedding, and you should be able to (generally) do what you want to do. Here is what I consider appropriate behavior if a couple is having a destination wedding:

      1) Don’t get upset if your guests can’t make it
      2) Don’t expect guests who do come to also buy you a wedding gift (other than something small)
      3) Pick a place that’s reasonably affordable
      4) Don’t have a number of really expensive pre-wedding events: if you have a destination wedding, don’t also have a destination shower or bachelorette
      5) Make costs easy on your wedding party: cheaper dresses/accessories, get them a nice gift
      6) Plan a number of pre-wedding events or meet-ups at the destination so your guests can meet each other

      Also, you can always have post-wedding receptions in other places. We didn’t have a destination wedding, but we did have the wedding in our hometown which is about 1,000 miles away from much of our extended family. A month or so after the wedding we traveled to the midwest and my husband’s parents threw us a very informal backyard barbecue and invited all the relatives who couldn’t make it out to our wedding. It was great.

      • Anon

        The local casual reception is a good idea. To throw 1 more wrinkle into it, we cannot get legally married at the destination and would have to go to city hall in the US anyway. Gah does that make me horrible for even considering this? I truly think that a good percentage of our guests would want to go regardless of the legality, but I could be wrong? I’d want to attend one for a close friend if I could afford to and could take the time off. I’d be sad if I couldn’t go but would love to still be involved in the shower, etc. Would it be ok to invite our local friends who couldn’t go to come to city hall with us and then out for a meal after?

        • goldribbons

          Spoiler Alert: The vast majority of destination weddings don’t legally marry the couple and they do city hall either before or after the destination wedding.

          • Anonymous

            Which is one reason they are considered super rude. Make sure if you get married first that people know they are going to a party, not a wedding. Dont throw the make believe ceremony after.

          • Anonymous

            Uh while you may have to sign a paper to be legally married, I am pretty sure I won’t feel married (or be spiritually wed, under the tenets of my religion) pre-ceremony. I also would have zero qualms going to someone’s wedding ceremony if they signed papers at the courthouse eight weeks ago because that’s when open enrollment was for health insurance at Groom’s job, and Bride wanted to get on it (or for any other reason). I wouldn’t call it a party either, I’d call it what it is – a wedding ceremony.

          • Anonymous

            You know you say vows at the court house right? A wedding is when you become married. Saying its not a real wedding because it didnt have the pretty dress and you got to be the center of attention for a day is so insulting to people who got married at the courthouse and were thrilled about it. If you sign the papers and lie about it to your guests I think it is so tacky. You are already husband and wife, dont play make believe in front of your guests.

          • Anonymous

            i think an important distinction to make here is between a wedding and a state-sanctioned marriage. you get married at the courthouse, you have a wedding at your ceremony. these are two different things that often happen at the same time, but not always. you’re inviting guests to your *wedding* not to the signing of your marriage certificate. who cares if they don’t happen at the same time? you don’t have to tell anyone that you signed the marriage certificate before or after, and if anyone thinks it’s “rude” that they saw a wedding without seeing the signing of the marriage certificate, well that’s on them.

          • Anonymous

            there is a difference between a wedding and a state-sanctioned marriage. often these things happen at the same time, but not always. you’re inviting your guests to come to your wedding, not to the signing of your marriage certificate. if people think it’s “rude” or “tacky” that they didn’t get to see the signing of the document, well, that’s on them.

          • Anonymous

            It is. Sorry its objectively rude and tacky. Miss manners, ettiquette books, all agree. Its not about the signing of the document, its about when you say your vows. If you invite people to a wedding, they think they are seeing you get married. If you are already married, than you are a grown women playing pretend. People do all sorts of wedding ceremonies. Court house, outdoors, in a religous house. But when you say your vows, you are married. You can’t sign the document without saying the vows. So yeah, its rude and tacky to say your vows in private, then have everyone buy you gifts and spend money on travel to watch you do it again. You cant just keep having redos. Imagine if someone had a wedding and then was like oh i didnt like that one, I am going to do it over?thats exactly what you are doing. You are having a courthouse wedding, and then saying oh i didnt get enough attention, I want a do-over. Its weird and its rude.

        • Anonymous

          LOL to “objectively rude and tacky.” rude and tacky are subjective concepts, and pretty toxic words when lobbed at someone else’s personal choices.

          we disagree here, obviously. i think part of my own hangup is that i have lots of friends who have weddings, but never have marriage certificates, because their states don’t allow them to get state-sanctioned married. i don’t consider them “playing pretend” when they invite me to their wedding. even if they’re not signing a marriage certificate, they are very much married– under god, before their friends and family, and most importantly, between each other. i am thrilled to be at their wedding– the exchanging of the vows, as you point out, is the part i am honored to witness. whether that be at a courthouse, at a big fancy party, or at a quiet ceremony at home. the signed marriage certificate is the part the state needs. the vows– which for me can be said over and over again, year after year (like when couples have vow renewals) is the really ceremonial part. sometimes those things happen at the same time, sometimes they don’t. it doesn’t make your courthouse wedding any less special because another woman decides to have both a courthouse and a ceremony at another time.

      • anon

        #2 above is key–please don’t expect your guests to spend a significant amount of money on a gift after they have just spent $1000 to $2500 on getting to your wedding. And if you can be flexible on #5 (attire and so on for your wedding party), that will help as well. Weddings are very expensive for guests, because there is almost always travel involved. Not very many people stay in the same town where they grew up anymore, and most people move frequently throughout their lives. So almost everyone is going to have to travel to get to your wedding. It is a significant cost, and to expect expensive presents on top of that is a bit out of control.

        • Anon

          We definitely understand about the gifts! Being at the wedding to celebrate with us is gift enough.

          Also we aren’t planning on having a wedding party so no bridesmaid/groomsmen/flower girl/whatever expenses. I suppose we are a little unconventional about this wedding stuff.

        • Brant

          I don’t know…i’ve had to haul myself to all corners of the country for weddings. I would muh rather a destination wedding at on an island I can get to via a direct flight (and a shuttle to the moderately priced hotel to/from the airport) than having to schlep to an island at the tip of long Island from Boston because that is where the bride is from (drive 7+ hours in traffic, plus 2 ferries, plus $400/nt hotels…). Or how about a town that is 2 hours from Amarillo, TX- flight took 10+ hours because there are no directs, plus had I rent a car.

          Mountain towns in NH, venues 2 hours from the nearest airport and 40 minutes to the nearest hotel….ugh, you name it.

          • Anon

            It seems like you just can’t win unless you have a Saturday ceremony in your own hometown where everyone who is invited lives. For what it’s worth, I just checked and airfare is around $500 from my hometown and a little less from our current city. Airfare between my hometown and current city or his hometown is around $400 anyway.

            I think I’ll take everyone’s advice here about talking to guests first, notice way in advance, plus ones, planned events a day or two before the ceremony, no gifts, possibly casual receptions for those who can’t make it, and hopefully providing lodging for those who might not be able to afford it, and go for it if we decide that’s what we want to do (we are strongly leaning that way and just want to think through all the details).

            Thanks for the advice everyone!

          • zora

            I think if you are doing a destination wedding thoughtfully and trying to take the needs of the people you want at your wedding into account, you are doing it exactly right. I wish you were my friend, because I would totally want to go! ;o)

    • Anne Shirley

      Eh, my friends are fairly spread out to begin with, so I’m used to flying for weddings. A US/ convenient Carribean wedding wouldn’t bother me. But Europe (when neither of you are from there) just says to me “I care more about the pretty than my guests” as do Friday and Sunday weddings that aren’t for religious reasons. But at the moment, my pet peeve is people who are totally down with me spending a grand on their wedding, and then drop off the face of the earth. I bought you a $300 mixer- send me a birthday card. Or a post card. Or a text.

    • Susie

      I’d love it, if it’s a good destination! I’ve been trying to talk my sister into having hers in Hawaii. Unfortunately for me most weddings I go to are out of state, but in areas I don’t really care to go to. It really sucks when for the same amount of money I could have traveled elsewhere!

      • LH

        The problem is everyone has a different idea of a “good destination.” We had ours in a naturally stunning area of New England with tons of opportunities for good hiking, biking, swimming and scenic drives. Lots of people thought it was a great destination, but lots of people aren’t into nature and would prefer to spend their vacation in a big city with tons of culture or lying on a tropical beach drinking magaritas. If you’re having more than about 20 people there is no way to really please everyone (and that includes Hawaii).

        • Susie

          True, but in the past few years I’ve gone to Oklahoma City, Grand Junction, Dallas (in June), and Phoenix (in May). Then there was Redding in July. These were not “destination weddings” just out of town for me, and all husband’s family. I hope this doesn’t insult anyone, nothing wrong with these cities just not on the top (half) of my destination list.

    • elz

      I love destination weddings. We’ve been to several-Hawaii, Mexico, New Orleans, Vegas, Charleston, and Napa, and they rank among the best weddings we’ve attended. It was basically like Spring Break because we got to hang out with great friends in a fun location, but we didn’t all have to share a hotel room! We simply decline the destinations that we don’t care to attend, don’t make sense for our family, etc. Your guests will do the same.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any objection to destination weddings in general, as long as the couple is gracious about people not being able to attend. I get annoyed, though, when the couple doesn’t allow me to bring a plus one, knowing that 1) I don’t know anyone at the wedding; and 2) I have to spend a lot of money and vacation time to attend the wedding. So either I have to take a vacation by myself, or I have to ditch my friend or partner to attend your wedding. It particularly p*sses me off – and has ended a friendship – when the couple tells me “the only +1s allowed are married couples” and I live in a state where I cannot marry my girlfriend.

    • ezt

      Honestly, you should do whatever you want. It seems that most people strongly against destination weddings are those who have stayed relatively close to home, such that a particular destination is convenient for a majority of their guests. If you and/or most of your guests fit that description, maybe a destination wedding is something to avoid. It sounds like that is not the case – you know your own friends and family and it sounds like they would be excited to travel for your wedding, and at least some of them have connections to the place you might travel to. You can’t please everyone. Case in point: I am from Country A. My husband is from Country B. Our parents live in Countries A and B respectively; however, my extended family lives in Country C and my only sibling lives in Country D, while a number of my husband’s close friends live in Country E. Husband’s family is scattered all over Country B. We had three events (an engagement ceremony, a wedding and a reception), in three different countries, in an attempt to accommodate everyone. People still found ways to be offended. There will always be those people, and they’ll never be the people that matter. Any grown up person who deserves to be your friend will come if they can, and send you their best wishes if they can’t, end of story.

  12. SVTechLawyer

    How about decline it and suggest that she keep it at her house so that there will be something to make baby food in when you visit? ” That’s so great Mom that you’ve found a baby food maker you like, now will have something at your house when we are there and you can help me out by making up some baby food too!”

  13. Different pregnant anon

    I need advice about interviewing while visibly pregnant. I applied for a govt. job last week thinking it would be a few months before I heard back as our state govt. agencies are notoriously slow moving. Well they just called and want me to interview next week. I will be 23 wks and I’m due in Early Nov.

    So do I bring it up in the interview but state that the job opportunity is something I’ve been looking for and I thought I should not pass it up (all true) or stay mum until there is an offer and then negotiate my leaved benefits?

    Also not sure if it has any bearing but I interviewed with this same agency 2 yrs ago prior to my current position and the hiring manager made it seem like I was on the short list but obviously not their first pick.
    So any advice from the Hive?

    • Anon

      I was in this position a couple of years ago. I ultimatley decided to tell before the interview, because I was obviously pregnant and it was going to affect my start date. This was for a state government position where there was really no negotiating for benefits–I was not entitled to any paid leave and I planned to start after the baby was born anyway. I made it clear in my interview that I was excited about the job and was willing to work hard. Long story short–I got the job. I felt better being upfront about it, but I know that is not the standard advice.

  14. zora

    Day-Brightening Moment Post:

    Had a new salad from Trader Joe’s for lunch today and it is SO GOOD! I am totally loving it, it’s now my new favorite salad. AND, it’s super healthy, it has kale!!!! My doctor would be so proud of me right now. Well, that was the highlight of my day. ;o) (It’s the Kale and Crunchy Slaw with Chicken Salad)

    • Sydney Bristow

      I could really go for some Trader Joe’s chocolate covered caramels or peanut butter cups. I hate that all the locations here are so inconvenient for me. If one opened in my neighborhood, it would be completely perfect and I’d convince my landlord to let me sign a 10-year lease!

      • zora

        I’m in love with Trader Joe’s, I want to marry it. That’s legal now, right?

        • Anonymous

          Yes. A historic moment in the civil rights movement means you can marry a chocolate.

          …

        • Sydney Bristow

          Not so much, but you should at least be able to register there! I bet people would actually do that.

          • zora

            This salad surprised me, the kale was cut up into very thin strips, so it wasn’t as hard to eat as kale usually is. And it mixed in with the rest of the salad well, and the rest of the stuff in the salad was flavorful enough that it balanced out the strong flavor of the kale.

      • Susie

        For one glorious year I lived in a 3rd floor apartment where the building had a TJs on the ground floor! It really was magical.

    • Anon

      Hate to disappoint but with the dressing, that salad has 500 calories and 34 grams of fat. There are healthier options.

      • zora

        Well, i don’t count calories, and kale has all kinds of nutrients and vitamins that I don’t usually get in my lunch, so I’m happy with it!

  15. Fort Worth discrimination lawyer

    Very professional look. Would be appropriate for women in court and other professional environments. A lot of women appear in court in questionably appropriate attire. More female lawyers should become readers of your blog. Thanks for having great style.

  16. Sarah Mellor

    This dress looks very nice since it incorporates professionalism and fashion into one. The eyelash lace-trim top makes the outfit unique, classy , sexy and edgy. But I am not sure if I will wear this kind of outfit since it is too sexy. Although the item is sold separately, it is nice that the belt could be able to complement the outfit/

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