Frugal Wednesday’s TPS Report: Lilac Seersucker Gingham Semi-Fitted Shirt

204 Comments

1. Please excuse that I’m threadjacking right off the bat. I could use some perspective on a weight/health/self-image issue I’m having that’s really distracting me this morning.

   Today I’m wearing a pencil skirt that is probably too tight for work–it used to be looser. I hadn’t worn it in a while and by the time I put it on I was running out the door and just didn’t have time to question it much. The thing is…it looks better on me than it used to, I think. I started working out heavily and often in January, and I’m in the best shape of my life by far. I’m also rarely hungry and rarely feel full, but my eating habits haven’t changed much since I made the exercise changes. I have been smaller in the past, but I wasn’t as fit or toned, and honestly I was often hungry at those times. Maybe the problem is that I always felt most excited to shop for clothes when I was at my smallest?

   I’m not posting my height, weight or size because I want to think about this in a principled way if I can. I guess my question is…should I just recognize that this is my size, and probably get new work skirts that aren’t as tight? I want to be totally self-accepting and nothing but proud of my new fitness, and I’m embarrassed to be worrying about my weight at a time like this, but I do feel some of that. It’s almost as if I’d give up my new muscles just to have this skirt loose again–but what a terrible priority, right? And bad long-term plan? I’m in my early thirties. Any honest thoughts appreciated.

   1. This is something I’ve struggled with before. I say keep the muscles, go up a size in some skirts, and find a good tailor. If you’re tightening up, you’ll quickly find that pencil skirts need to be taken in at the waist once you find a size that fits your new glutes/thighs. I always feel immensly better about my body when I’m in clothes that fit. Highlighting my tightened waist makes a huge difference in my confidence. Make sure you’re staying hydrated to decrease post-workout water retention. Also remember that sometimes after a hard workout your muscles will swell.

   2. Honestly, I totally get the wanting to be smaller, even though you’re ostensibly healthier and stronger by gaining muscle. I think it’s really hard to give up the societal pressures to always be smaller, but I recently started lifting heavier weights, and I’ve somehow never felt healthier or better about myself, and I like my shape more.

      Just focus on remembering that building muscle helps prevent so many problems later in life, and you should choose health over aesthetics. But I definitely get it.

   3. I’m also not going to post my height, weight, or size. However, I will say that over the past 3 years, I have put on 20 lbs of muscle and gone up 1-2 sizes depending on the item of clothing. I have never looked better. I am in the best shape of my life. I had to buy all new pants/shorts, and several new dresses and tops (back is wider now, bigger biceps/shoulders meant I’ve ripped through the elbow of multiple dress shirts). So my 2 cents is that you should do what makes you happy. My personal belief is that the scale doesn’t matter, and the clothing tag doesn’t matter – what matters is if I feel good and can accomplish the things I want to accomplish, athletically.

      1. I’ve recently gotten muscular enough that none of my dress shirts fit across the shoulders – any suggestions for where to buy new ones? I haven’t ripped through anything yet, but it’s only a matter of time…

   4. When I lived in Eastern Europe, I felt really pressured to be thinner and lost weight. When I returned to the States, I saw a picture of myself at that low weight and realized that it was not a good look for me and that I was happier with more muscle and curves. It is still difficult for me to buy larger clothing but I keep reminding myself that I look, and feel, much healthier at my current weight.

   5. Hugs to you. All of our metabolisms slow down as we get older. But don’t worry about your body. You are still attractive and have what you need and what men want. Never fret as you have a lot of positives. I guarantee that if you stop thinking about your body, it will take care of itself. Besides what difference does it make if you can’t fit into a size 6 any more. That’s why they sell size 8, 10 and 12 for!

      1. Or higher.

      2. pretty sure OP said nothing about “what men want.”

         1. Also, perhaps OP isn’t straight, and thus really wouldn’t care about attracting men.

            1. love that

            2. We all dress in tight pencil skirts for one reason and it’s not because they are comfortable!

   6. Right now, I weigh almost exactly the same as I did when I was in great shape and running a ton. But right now I am totally out of shape and I don’t think there is a single muscle left in my body. I need to get my muscle back and feel healthy again! I completely understand where you are coming from, but if it helps, I’m really envious that your skirt is tight because you’ve been working out and have muscles!

   7. Enjoy your healthy body, and buy new clothes as needed to fit it. My body has recently changed and I am still working on accepting it, but the focus on being strong and healthy is keeping me sane. Congratulations on finding a good balance for yourself!

2. I anticipate getting a new job soon and I want to treat myself to a nice work bag if/when I get an offer. I have never owned a nice handbag and am a bit overwhelmed. Is it worth it to spend $500 on a bag? Are there brands that are known to be of a lesser quality? I intend to wear this bag a lot and for hopefully many years. My wishlist is: cognac (preferred) or black, zip closure, shoulder bag, structured, small or no logo, minimal decoration, big enough to fit a notebook or a few files but not so big that it looks like luggage. My favorite currently is the Longchamp Roseau shoulder tote but it doesn’t have a zippered closure. Boo! General advice for handbag shopping would be great as I am pretty much clueless.

   1. Coach has some nice, simple styles in black and cognac that would fit your price range. I recommend going to stores and trying the bags on with all of the cr*p you intend to haul around – for me that meant a laptop, a small binder, wallet, keys, phone, etc – and a heavy coat if you’re planning to use it year-round. Does it sit nicely on your shoulder or does it feel like the straps will be constantly falling off? When you need to grab your phone, is the pocket conveniently located or will you have to take the whole bag off your shoulder to retrieve it? Etc. Happy shopping :)

      1. Second this comment … cognac is my favorite color handbag, and I have two Coach heritage ones that I adore.

   2. I just wrapped up an epic handbag search and rather than focusing on the price, I spent a lot of time focused on finding THE handbag. It took about four months of searching every venue, but I refused to compromise on any detail.

      The priced ended up in the low-$200s, but I would have paid $500. My handbags are workhorses rather than accessories so I think spending $500 on something I’m going to use every.single.day for 2 to 3 years is worth it.

      You have to ask yourself how you intend to use the bag, if you truly love it and what you’re willing to trade off to make it happen.

      1. Love the 4 months quest – I’m the same way. I research everything to death before taking the plunge. Now we need a link please!

      2. Walnut, what bag did you end up with?

   3. Chiming in late – hopefully you’ll check back.

      I wanted the Longchamp Rousseau for years but couldn’t imagine that it or any bag would be worth $500. In a fit of desperation for something professional to take to a job interview, I bought it…and I LOVE IT.

      Every day I look at it and it makes me smile. Six months later of daily use and it looks brand-new. There is really no other bag like it (I looked for years), which sounds silly because it’s SO SIMPLE. But it’s great for me, and frankly, I wish I had just splurged years ago instead of wasting money and time with less-perfect bags.

      As far as not having a zipper, yes, that was a big reason I held off for years. But, the toggle closure really works – try it at a store so you see. I also adapted by putting my small stuff separate small zipper bags. I have 1 small lesportsac bag w/ 3 zippers that holds my beauty stuff and 1 small bag with writing instruments. I also keep a nylon shopping tote in it for rainy weather (and shopping).

      1. Also – the Rouseau has an inside zipper compartment that covers almost the entire inside dimension, so there is space to put important stuff away.

      2. That is a gorgeous tote. I just wish it had an outside pocket or two!

      3. Thank you! I really love this bag and hope to get to a store to see it in person soon.

         1. It’s also ridiculously lightweight.

      4. I also have that bag. Paid for most of it with Nordstrom notes :) The toggle works great, my only beef is that sometimes the side snaps don’t always stay shut. But, the leather is great, it holds up very, very well. I’ve had for 18 mos and it doesn’t have a single mark on it.

         1. Do you carry a laptop in the Longchamp Rouseau tote?

            1. I do carry my monster 15″ laptop in it sometimes. It sticks out so the toggle doesn’t work but it looks better than my laptop backpack for when I have to be somewhere other than my desk and still fits a notebook, my wallet, water bottle, and my other stuff. Also a plus is that the bag weighs almost nothing.

            2. Yes, I also carry a 15″ MacBook Pro in a neoprene sleeve and it fits fine. It also fits a (ugly work-issue) 14.2″ Dell that has the same dimensions as the 15″ MacBook Pro.

      5. I’ve had 2 roseau bags for 12 and 10 years, still look brand new

   4. I found that I don’t carry my first expensive bag as much as I thought I would because it’s heavy even without anything in it. I would second going to stores and trying out the bags first!

   5. For me, it helps to separate work bags from hand bags.

      Work bags are highly functional, light-weight (usually this means non-leather), able to take a laptop, easy to carry through airport security and best found in the luggage or men’s accessories department (my favourite make for a long time now is the Japanese brand Porter).

      Hand bags are made of more-decorative less-functional material (bring on the python-skin) and found in fashion boutiques. To be honest, I use my functional work bags so much now that the only time I get out a hand bag is when I need something sparkly for an evening function.

3. For those of you that have moved away from their families or where they grew up, how did you decide whether to stay away? Or when to move back?

   I moved away from home for undergrad, and then even further for law school, and I recently visited home, and I saw a lot of friends from high school, undergrad and law school, and … I feel so torn. I could have such a happy life there, and be closer to my siblings and parents, and, it feels like my city as I wandered along at 2am heading home. But, I also have a life here, with a lot of friends, and I’m happy.

   I think there are more job opportunities here, but only because the other city has a more saturated legal market, but, I’m generally viewed as exceptional for my year of call (based on reviews and level work I’m given), and I while I think I could be fine in the other city, I don’t know whether I’d be as exceptional, or if I’d be just average. More than that though, regardless of work, if the other city is where I want to make my life, I might as well move sooner right? Or am I better off just sticking put, getting amazing experience, and getting ahead and moving there later with more leverage?

   I don’t even know whether I want to move back, but after a decade of not missing the city I grew up in, I honestly can say that I did this time, and I’m torn. I know there are a lot of considerations, just looking to hear from others.

   1. First of all – hugs! I am in a similar (albeit slightly opposite situation).

      Second, I think you could be just as exceptional in your home city. It depends on where you’re working (i.e. firm or company) and not the city necessarily. You could probably leverage your experience and contacts now and find a great job here. Or you could wait a few years and move when you have a few more years under your belt – I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here.

      Third – I think there’s a difference between missing the city you grew up in and where’s home to you. Earlier this year, I experienced something similar and had tentatively decided to move back to the city where I grew up, because just like you, after years of not missing the city, I went back and it felt like home. Things didn’t quite work out and it looks like I’m staying put for now but I’m not unhappy with that decision.

      I think (and it seems like you may be similar), that there are a lot of places where I could potentially be happy. I have friends and could have a good life in both cities but I’m happy with where I’m living for now. I feel like you have transferable skills and could make a good life for yourself wherever you are. See how you feel when you go back home for the next few weeks and months. Sometimes it’s just infatuation. And if you wake up in the middle of the night feeling like you have to be back where you grow up, then you know it’s right and you can make that decision. Trust your gut.

   2. I live about a seven-hour one way trip from my parents (including airport transfers, waiting at airport etc etc) and have done for 15 years. I miss my family a lot and I miss ‘home’ and sometimes feel really guilty about leaving and being so far away, especially now as my parents are getting old, but I also think that TO lawyer totally nailed it that there is a difference in missing the city and missing ‘home’. As much as I miss home and love going back to see my family, I also know that I would hate living there, it’s a small city, job opportunities wouldn’t be great, I would have to retrain to be able to practice…. so I know that it isn’t something I would ever want to do. I have a great time going back a few times a year for a couple of weeks, but that’s a whole different matter from living there full time. I think if you can figure out which of these it is, it will help you make the decision.

      1. Yay!!! Fruegel Wednesday’s! I love fruegel Wednesday’s! Does this mean Kat is goeing to be off for Fruegel Friday! She is entitled to be off, so enjoy the holiday, Kat!!! And to the rest of the hive also. Happy Holiday!!!!!

         Regarding the OP, I live about an hour away from my parent’s on LI, and it is sometime’s difficult b/c I want to be in the City, and they want me home for a meal or something. But also there are times that I want them to visit ME in the City, and they are usueally to busy to come in. Dad comes in b/c of work now, but also b/c he is gifteing me the co-op and as long as he is still listed on the paper’s, he consider’s himself the OWNER of the coop and he bosses peeople around.

         Dad is here today, and he is takeing me back to LI this afternoon for a LONG weekend and a visit tomorrow to the HAMTON’s with MOM and we get to go on a boat with the manageing partner and Margie! YAY!!!!!

         I hope there is good food, b/c I have been starveing myself to get thin enough to fit into my batheing suit. I still think it is goeing to be tight, but FOOEY if it is. No one will see me other then these peeople.

         So I wish the HIVE a great 4th of July, and please stay safe!!!! Do NOT text and drive!!!! YAY!!!!!

   3. This is an issue I think about a lot these days and I am at the other end of my career and family situation. Let me explain: early 50’s now, moved away from home with spouse right out of college, lived several places around the country and never moved back home. Was close to family, visited family often and Mom/Dad never complained about not being around for our life and grandchild’s – but I know they would have rather had us close. Today – only child lives on the other side of the country and is never likely to live in my area again. We are close, she visits as often as she can (3-4 times a year for a weekend or so) and it rips my heart out not to be a part of her life. I now see what I did to my own family by living far away and wonder if it didn’t play into some of my own parent’s later life depression issues. I would never share this with my own child or guilt her in any way to move closer to home, but realize as she marries and has her own family (if that is her path), my time with her will only likely lessen as she will need to split her time between her own family, in-laws, and my husband and me. :(

      1. You are a part of your childs’ life, regardless of the physical separation. I left home to go to college and haven’t lived there since; I see my parents’ a few times a year. My mother is still one of the most important influences in my life (at 35). Talking to her makes me feel loved and comfortable, and her opinion carries a ton of weight with me. It would be nice if I could see her in person more often, but she’s my mother and will always be a central figure in my life, no matter the distance.

         1. Yes, I feel the exact same way about my dad and stepmom from 3000 mes away.

      2. I’m responding because all of a sudden, I think I probably understand how my mom/parents feel. And honestly, it’s kind of heartbreaking. I think my parents have accepted the fact that I’m probably never going to live in the same city as them again. They are still obviously a big part of my life and I speak to them probably a few times a week, see them every few months. But it’s not the same as living in the same city as them. I don’t think there’s a solution for my situation – I couldn’t have the type of life/career I want if I move to their same city, but I think I’m going to make a more concerted effort to visit/call more and cut my mom some slack when she gives me a hard time for not coming home more often. So thank you for posting your perspective.

         1. TO Lawyer, this is it exactly. Neither my husband nor I could have had our careers in our hometown and so we never gave it another thought. But chickens come home to roost as they say. And bananagram and Sydney Bristow, I appreciate your comments and felt the same way about my mom. But doing life over the phone and occasional visits isn’t the same as being able to catch a yoga class together or shop for that dress she needs for a hot date. This really only slapped me up side the head over the last couple years – you love your children so fiercely and give them your all. You launch them into the world and glory in their successful flight, but sometimes there’s nothing like being able to just hang out with them or cook them their favorite meal for no good reason but because you love them. :)

            1. I second TO Lawyer and thank you for saying this. I’ve thought about it before but never fully grasped what it might feel like.

      3. This is my own experience only, FWIW.

         I moved back to my home state two years after my daughter was born, after 15 years on the other side of the country, because I thought about how much I adored my daughter, and I thought that it must really hurt my mom that I was so far away. My mom was always very clear about this: supportive, encouraging of my perigrinations, but clear that she missed me. But it was like I never realized how much my mom must love me until I had my own daughter. For me, having kids highlighted all of the reasons why I wanted to be closer to family, and why phone calls weren’t enough anymore.

         Sometimes I think that we can’t tell our children how much we love them, because if we did, it would crush them under the weight. But having my own children helped me to realize how much I was loved, and made it very hard to take that for granted. I don’t expect that my daughter will stay in my city or state or whatever. And I hope she finds her own adventures. But selfishly, I hope that once she’s adventured, she comes closer to home.

      4. DH and I currently live about 3-4 hours from each set of parents, which is close enough to see them occasionally, but definitely not close enough for a casual evening together, dinner, or a shopping trip. We’re also expecting our fist child early next year, and it is a little sad knowing that he or she won’t have the same grandparent presence as our nieces and nephews, who live either right by or across town from our parents.

         That being said, there is no amount of money that could get me to move home. It’s a small southern town of around 15k, and let’s just say that my egalitarian ideas don’t mesh so well with people there. If I could convince my family members to come live near us, that’d be awesome, but otherwise we’re just going to have to travel.

   4. I have lived about 12 miles from my home state for the past 23 years. This was made easier, I suppose, by the fact that my family moved away from our home town when I was 9 (and nobody in the family still lives there), then moved again when I was in college. Still, there is a familiarity with my home state and proximity to a lot of friends and family. If I lived there, I could be within driving distance of friends in NY, NJ, and DC. That said, I have a life here that I love and a career that has developed significantly. After Hurricane Katrina, I interviewed for a job back there but it just didn’t fit. It’s a beautiful area of the country but I just didn’t want to live there again. It wasn’t the life I wanted and there would be too many compromises. Only you can answer this for yourself. I would say that the reality is what you’d have to look at – would work be with it? Housing? Change in lifestyle?

      1. Oh and I didn’t think of this until others mentioned it. My mom passed away when I was in graduate school so I don’t know if that would have changed my perspective on living so far away. I have always thought the opposite. My mom loved it here and would have come to visit often. And I probably would have gone home more often. But I still think I would have made the choice to come here and stay.

      2. Ack and I just realized that came out 12 miles when it should have been 1200!

   5. I moved away from home for college, then further away for work, then returned to my hometown for law school. I liked being back during those years and it did feel like home, but it was different. Even different from how it felt when I’d go home to visit. Not sure how to explain it exactly. Maybe it’s because I lived in a totally different area of town, but the perspective was different. It was so great to go to family dinners and see friends somewhat regularly who I hadn’t seen, but that phrase “you can’t go home again” certainly applied. All that said, I love my hometown and quite possibly will choose to retire there, but I know that I can’t move back there now because there isn’t a market for my area of law and I love my current city too much.

   6. I think you are the only one who can understand your employment opportunities/challenges, but I can offer some perspective on the cultural/personal aspect of moving home:

      I grew up in the deep South and went to college in Boston. I then spent the next 8 years living and working in the midwest, Mexico and back to Boston again. A year ago, my husband and I moved back to the deep South, although not to the town where I grew up (and we met) and where my parents still are. We are, however, for the very first time within a few hours’ driving distance of both our parents. We’ve enjoyed that so much more than we even anticipated we would. Being able to see each other on occasions that aren’t occasions at all – not holidays, weddings, etc. – has been a real treat. We’re trying to start a family, and I’m so glad we’ll be nearby when that happens.

      I thought that once I moved back to my home turf (as it were) I would enjoy the feeling of fitting right in… but once again I’m still an outsider, of sorts. Living in other locations and cultures always made me feel different and unique in both positive and negative ways. I had “Southern” traits and habits that stood out when I lived in other regions; now I have “Northern” tendencies that stick out in my Southern town.

      I always assumed that if/when I returned home, I would it right in, but I don’t think that would be the case. I sometimes have daydreams as well about moving “back home” one day, but I try to stay realistic about what that would mean. As different as I am, my home town has grown and changed as well. Additionally, living there as a working professional would be enormously different than living there as a carefree high-schooler, which is what I was the last time I lived there full time.

      Food for thought. I’m headed home tomorrow for the 4th and will be thinking these things all over again, I’m sure!

   7. This is also something I struggled with but for me was an easy decision. My QOL was and is much better living near my family. There were two major factors that convinced me that staying local was better than pursuing options elsewhere. My family has always been close and factoring in my husband and I will likely be considering children within the next few years, we wanted them to have the same sense of being surrounded by family at events, gatherings, etc all the time the way that we were growing up. Second, as my parents get on in years, I want them to be taken care of, surrounded by family, and not in a home.

      Luckily my family is also in the DC area so the decision wasn’t hard to make in terms of weighing career options vs wanting family time. I do know that the decision was much harder to make for my husband who’s family is in the midwest. Luckily we both have careers here and we’ve compromised to spend almost all major holidays with his family.

   8. I’m in the opposite situation, but I still struggle with it (guess that goes to show you there’s no solution to this!). I grew up in a suburb of Chicago and moved to Chicago after college. I’ve been in Chicago for 10 years now.

      I always wondered what it would be like to live on one of the coasts, but opportunities kept coming up for me in Chicago, so I stayed. I have a lot of friends in NYC and visit there regularly, and whenever I go, I can’t help but imagine myself living there and thinking, “It would be so easy! I have all these relationships ready and waiting for me,” but I never did make the move. The cost of living, the social climbing, and the lack of perspective (my friends who make five times as much as I do gripe about not having enough money to get by in NYC) were turnoffs, even if I do prefer the city itself to Chicago.

      Biggest pro: I can see family regularly without having to take vacation time to do so. Biggest con: I always wonder if I’m missing out on something by not living in another part of the country.

      People seem to move so frequently, and I wonder how they keep their networks strong after multiple moves. At the same time, even staying put, I’ve had so many friends come and go over the years that I’m still affected by all the moving!

      1. This is my problem as well. Both me and DH grew up in a NYC suburb, and I always dream about moving to other cities to try. I love NYC, our families and friends are here, and it’s so familiar that it’s comforting. But…. I have this nagging feeling that I should be jumping around, and living new places, and trying new things. I weigh this against using vacation time to see family, not having a network in a lot of these places, etc. I keep feeling like “I’m not getting any younger!” and “But life is so easy here and am I too lazy to start over?”

         1. This is EXACTLY how I feel. And I’m happy here, so why leave just to prove something to myself? But then I wonder if I’ll look back in 30 years and regret not trying something different…

            What do you think you’ll do? How long have you been in NYC post-college?

            1. Excluding time away for law school, I’ve been in NYC for 8 years post-college. One of the biggest deterrents so far has been having to take the bar in another state, and debating whether working for a law firm is what I want to be doing in the long run anyway (I don’t think it is, so that is a disincentive to move – why study and take the bar if I’m not going to practice in a law firm environment for much longer?). I could obviously try to go in-house, but I feel like those jobs are more difficult to come by, especially when you don’t have a network in the area (I could be wrong).

               Right now I don’t see a particularly compelling reason to move, other than adventure (which unto itself is a compelling reason). I have a feeling that I might give it a few more years before I really make up my mind. I’ll have a better idea of what I want out of my career (or whether it makes sense to put DHs’ on the front burner), how we want to raise our as-of-now-hypothetical kids, etc.

   9. I moved to a different country when I was 21 and I have no desire to move anywhere near back home because I grew up miserable, and I’ve never had as great a relationship with my mother as I do now that we are several thousand miles apart. My sister moved to a different continent when I was 6 years old, and my father lived across the country for most of my life. Not to mention, I left home at 14… So I ‘ve never even contemplated moving back home, even if there were any jobs in my field in Middle Of Nowhere, Frozen Tundra.

   10. I moved back home, and I’m so glad I did, especially now that I have a child.

       I am from a mid-sized northeastern city, and I work at one of the biggest law firms here. Having my family close by has allowed me to “lean in” to my career more than I would have if I did not have this support system.

       1. Good for you. Extended-family support doesn’t get cited often enough as a significant factor in enabling women to have higher-octane careers. I do see it a lot among my own friends and peers, and among my younger staff as well.

       2. I joke that someday I’m going to write a book called “It Takes a Village to Make Partner.” As a single woman, the move back to my hometown has been the equivalent of adding jet fuel to my career. The emotional and practical support my family provides helps me stay grounded, means that I always have some human contact when work is driving me crazy, and helps take the burden off in terms of a lot of logistical issues.

       3. I definitely saw this advantage this week. We’ve lived away from our hometown for almost 20 years. My husband and I both had a 7 day stretch of very long, very stressful days. On day 5/7, showed up to son’s daycare, only to find that it was closed due to a power outage. All of our regular sitters were on vacation, so we cobbled together care in a variety of places. I never missed my hometown (which is full of aunts / cousins / etc) as much as I did that day!

   11. This is an important question.

       I moved back to my hometown only after my parents after my father had a traumatic accident and then my mother suddenly developed health problems at a younger age then most. It has been extremely hard dealing with death and disability when all of my friends have healthy parents and cannot relate. But that is why I am “home”.

       I grew up in Chicagoland, then left as soon as I could for college etc… I then lived in the best places for my graduate school, medical school and training and was on a great trajectory for my career. But all of it came to a halt when I had to come “home”.

       Things that I have learned….

       While it might be great to be in the “best” places with the “smartest” people (I always believed it had to be on one of the coasts), there are smart/good people everywhere and yes…. I can potentially be an even bigger fish in a very good city like Chicago and actually have a better quality of life. I can see that now.

       Your parents will not be around forever. If you have children, your parents will get profound happiness and purpose from having grandchildren nearby. And you…. will potentially get help raising your children from people you trust and who share your values. And maybe you like your parents too… great. You will also teach your children very important lessons about the values you place on family. Remember, your children will grow up and TREAT YOU the way they see you treat your own parents. If you only see your parents once a year, then that is what your children will think is “normal”.

       Of course there can be other benefits to moving home if you feel that you have a close network of friends as well. I was always restless and wanted to see the world and the idea of hanging out with friends from high school forever was not desirable at all. But for some people it is, so it’s ok to go with that.

       Of course, not all families are functional (mine was not), so all of this has to be taken with a grain of salt.

       1. This is so well said, and I agree with all of it. As a Chicagoan, I used to fall victim to that “everything is better on the coasts” mentality. As I’ve gotten older, I appreciate being able to visit the coasts whenever I want but still have a good quality of life and network in Chicago.

   12. This is something I think about constantly, because while I have a place where my parents live, it’s not ‘home’ for me, even though it is for them. We moved there when I was 7, but I only have lived there for a total of 7-8 years my whole life, and I know it hurts my mom not to have the sort of super close relationship she had with her mom (grandparents moved out to join parents when I was in middle school), but I cannot imagine living there. I don’t like that state, and I have maybe 2 friends who live there, whereas all the rest of my friends came from HS/College/Grad School/Work in other states. I know they’d love to have me there, and I’m sure I’d make new friends, but my job doesn’t exist in that market and I think they know that and it’s why they don’t actively push, but I worry about them as they get older.

   13. I miss my hometown all the time. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss the public transportation system, the feel and look of the streets, the quirks and personalities of the people. I go back twice a year (moved away 4 years ago) and for a long time, I cried every time we pulled out of my parents’ driveway. I hate the thought that I’ll have kids without my parents and siblings around all the time. I am jealous that we see my MIL every week, and my parents twice a year. Housing is cheaper there, people are friendlier, the city is just more human. And as TOLawyer says, I know it breaks my parents’ hearts that I can’t be there just to hang out, for dinner, for an afternoon, when someone’s in the hospital and needs support. (My parents both had medical issues this year.)

       But on the other hand.. I moved for a reason. I have a great job here. My husband has family and friends and a great job too. We have a huge cultural community here, while our community in my hometown is declining (I’d say 75% of people my age in our community move away). Our kids will have much better opportunities here in terms of school, social life, jobs. Housing prices suck and tuition is way higher, but those are manageable because salaries are higher here too. Politics here are better and overt xenophobia is lower. So as much as I desperately miss my hometown, I’ve come to accept we would never move back.

       My solution to the missing family problem is slowly importing my family to this city. My parents are looking into coming here when they retire in a few years; one sibling lives an hour away, another is coming in a year. So I just have a few more years to tough it out (unfortunately, including the first couple years of babies) without them, and hopefully we’ll be reunited soon. My best friend is moving here this year, for work and a boyfriend. I also need to put more effort into building a social network here, not just maintaining the friendships I had over there.

   14. Such a timely topic for me. We live in smaller city where DH and I both grew up. We love raising our kids with their grandparents so close – both for their relationships and all the free babysitting. We have tons of friends here and always imagined raising our kids here. But, I would have so many more job opportunities if we moved to big city because of the industry I am in. We could do a big city a few hours away or move across the country. If we did that, I would almost certainly make partner in biglaw. Where I am, I still may be able to make partner in biglaw (satellite office), but it is a much bigger challenge and I am trying to expand the industries I work in to do so. I also have extremely limited opportunities to go in house or to another firm if I stay in small city, and if I do it will be a huge pay cut, so I really need to make partner. I feel like I am limiting my career so much to stay her, but every time we even start to think about moving, we just can’t imagine doing so. On the flip side, I am the kind of person where I feel like I could be running a company some day if I was willing to move, and it is really hard for me to think I may be keeping myself from doing that just to stay where our family is in a city we love.

4. Talbots has ponte blazers on sale today for $27.99. Can anyone comment on the quality or fit of these?

   1. I have 4 of them. I think they fit TTS. The hem on sleeves has fallen on a couple of them, but other than that I think the quality is good.

   2. I just got one that was sized S-M-L etc. I’m a size 10 on top and I got a medium. I typically wear a medium at Lands End as well and this jacket seemed as-generously or maybe even a little more generously sized than LE stuff. It was almost too big! I think the small would have been too small and would have pulled a bit when I tried to button it, but when in doubt I’d order down or order both if you can return one.

5. What do those of you who work out in the mornings do with your hair?

   I think my hair is the one thing holding me back from looking polished during the day because I work out in the morning and run out of the house with wet hair. I have curly hair, so simply blow drying straight doesn’t really work for me, and I’m not sure the dry shampoo thing is meant for post work-out hair–although I’ve never tried it. I’d like to be able to tame the mane for work but if it comes between that and morning workouts, workouts are always going to win. Any suggestions?

   1. Absolutely give dry shampoo a try. I have curly hair too and also work out in the mornings, and it definitely does the job for me. You can “comb” it through using your fingers only so that you don’t break up your curls. I do that and shower with a shower cap so I can leave the house promptly with dry and clean hair.

   2. I have similar hair (and a similar morning workout routine). Whether I wash or use dry shampoo (I use it after working out), I have decided that I will always wear my hair pulled back. I use goody spin pins to make a knot, and that’s pretty much it!

   3. Truth? I show up at work with wet hair. I know many people are clutching their pearls, but I’ve been doing it for years and it hasn’t held me back yet.

      Dry shampoo is not an option for me – workouts are too intense for hair to be manageable afterwards without a wash.

      1. I will add that if I have a big meeting or am traveling, I will either get up extra early to have time to dry my hair post-workout, or skip my workout that day. But this is rare.

      2. Same. In the winter I will blowdry my hair with a diffuser (so it’s still curly), but with the hot, humid weather we’ve been having in NYC, it’s just so much easier to leave my hair wet and let it dry naturally (and my hair looks better).

         Between putting my hair in a ponytail for a workout and sweating, dry shampoo is not going to work for me unless it’s an emergency and I’m just going to put my hair in a bun or something (I do use dry shampoo occasionally on random days where I just don’t want to shampoo my hair, and I think it works fine on curly hair. Just be gentle with your curls). But you should definitely try it on a weekend to see how your hair looks.

      3. Me three – although my hair is still short enough that it is usually dry by the time I get to work after my 1.5 hour commute. Depending on how you get to work, leaving it hanging open over your shoulders will do wonders to speed up the drying process.

      4. Thank you for your honesty. I do this too. I also recently bit the bullet and chemically treated it again so my wash and air dry looks like a blow out for 6 months at a time. (worth every penny). My runs were worth washing my hair and without the treatment, I would have to spend an extra 20-30 min blowdrying at the gym (with no guarantee of getting the dryer), which I don’t have time for.

         1. Thanks for the input everyone! MissK, what type of chemical treatment did you do?

      5. Me too. Curly hair run in the morning. I have a 45 min commute so my hair is mostly dry by the time I get to work, but I don’t even dry it in the winter (and I live in Canada).

6. Happy almost 4th!!

   A grumble and question: So I decided to do my one splurge breakfast of the week today and found a chocolate chip banana muffin at whole foods (even though I deplore all things banana when not pregnant…). Only to discover that there were only chocolate chips sprinkled on top. Serious disappointment for this pregnant lady.

   Question: My government job ends next August and I am already gearing up to try and find my next job, where I can hopefully settle for a number of years. There are a few positions that are open now that I am interested in. I know that these mid-size shops may not be able to wait a year, but I am thinking of sending my resume with a cover letter to the effect of: “I am very interested in your firm. I understand that you may looking for someone to start in the near future, but please keep me in mind for any future openings.” Thoughts?

   1. I think it’s a little soon for that, but see what others have to say. I would try reaching out through your network, law school, undergrad, and see if you can meet anyone who works at these mid-size firms you’re interested in. Local bar associations, networking events, anything you can do to get yourself physically in front of them would be great. I’d say six months ahead of time would be appropriate, but that also depends when your baby’s coming.

      As far as the banana chocolate chip muffin — I am incredibly disappointed for you and craving a banana chocolate chip muffin now myself!

   2. It’s much too early. Sending a cover letter now will make you look out of touch.

   3. Instead of contacting firms that are currently hiring, I’d research the firms you’d really like to join. Then reach out to contacts (through friends, alumni network, etc.) to ask to meet for coffee just to discuss the firm generally. If they’re not currently hiring, and you’re not currently looking, it would be pretty low pressure and I think most people would be willing to give you 30 min to chat. At that point, you say that you’ll be looking in a year and that you just want to get a feel for the different firms, and ask them to keep you in mind if anything opens up between now and then.

   4. Thank your for bringing me back down. I know it is early but started to freak out that I. Must. Do. Something. Now. In reality, I think I should wait for another 6 months, which will also be after the baby is born and I have returned to work. I guess I am just so used to having things planned out — generally years in advance — that the uncertainty of it all makes me uncomfortable. As for networking, with my current job it can be really tough to network because many of the attorneys with whom I need to network also appear in the Court where I work.

7. This is something of a random question, but has anyone ever done teacher training for some sort of fitness program? I am debating whether this is something I want to do, and I’d be interested in your experiences and whether the teacher training and actual (part-time) teaching is manageable with a demanding job. If it’s relevant, I’m thinking specifically about pilates, which I’ve read can be a 6-12 month training commitment, depending on how quickly you can complete the coursework. My inclination would be to take the full year.

   1. I did 200-hour yoga teacher training while in biglaw. Not easy, but it all worked out in the end. I had the option of three months or nine months (i.e., finish in one session or two). I chose one and used the second option as back-up, though I didn’t need it in the end. I’m glad I finished quickly, but if you’re concerned, I’d take the full-year option. Doing it all so quickly killed me and raised some questions at work just at the end. (Disclaimer: The training was only on the weekends, but they would be frustrated when I didn’t answer e-mail immediately or wasn’t available to work on something on a weekend that I didn’t know was coming and couldn’t have planned for.)

      I’m happy to give you my e-mail if you have more questions.

      1. Thanks, that is very helpful! I’m currently in biglaw, so availability is definitely a concern of mine. I think doing the 12-month program seems like a good idea.

   2. A girl in my old office used to do some sort of 5:00 AM fitness class, and their instructor moved away. The others in the class actually begged her to lead it herself so she did a weekend fitness instructor course (which was all her gym required), and then started make some small $ for each class she taught. She got her workout and saw her buddies in class and got PAID. Win all around.

   3. I’ve been doing Bar Method for 3 months now and most of the instructors have full time ‘professional’ jobs (ie are not full time fitness instructors/coaches). For example, one lady works full time in non-profit advocacy work, another owns her own catering business full time, another is a senior leader/executive at a marketing company. I think it’s more common than you think! I gather from these women that they really loved this fitness method and wanted to get certified to do it, like another commenter said, you basically get paid to do a class you like/would do anyway.

   4. A friend of mine became a Jazzercise instructor basically on the same theory – she loved the classes and wanted to get paid to do what she was doing anyway. She teaches 3 or 4 classes a week and totally loves it.

8. I am about to leave my current job to take a new position in the public sector but same industry. Does anyone have advice on how to keep in touch with former colleagues, specifically former senior colleagues? For peers I am friendly with I can just send the occasional email hello etc., but I’d like to keep in touch with the partners I’ve worked with and it is a little more difficult to figure out the best way to do that. What is the best way to stay in touch? How often? How can I do it without transparently looking like I am trying to maintain contact in the event I need their help with my career later on (which is the reason I am, inf act, maintaining contact!)?

   1. As you get into your last week or so, find a quiet moment to visit the folks whom you want to keep in touch with in their office. Thank them for the part they’ve played in your development, reminisce over shared battles if appropriate (or cite some flattering memories in any case) and conclude with ‘I do hope we can keep in touch – may I take you out for lunch some time?’

      Do the same with the important assistants and diary-keepers of your firm.

      Then, within the next 12 months or so, make that lunch appointment – email the invitee and when they reply ‘yes’, call their assistant to make sure something specific goes on their diary.

9. You guys, the Saks sale is pretty incredible right now. This is not good for my wallet or my productivity this morning. Somehow, getting away from the world at large for the holiday translates in my mind to “must do online shopping now because I will be away from all the sales all weekend!”

   1. I totally do that too! Sometimes if I don’t do it then I’ll wind up on my phone during vacation looking at the sale items anyway. No advice, just commiseration! I might come back and curse you for saying how great the Saks sale is that I likely wouldn’t have looked at otherwise though. ;-)

      1. My comment got eaten.
         I got these: http://tinyurl.com/ltcorr4
         FYI: Nordstrom has them too at full price & will price match. Now just hoping they fit – some of the reviews said to size up but I didn’t. Oh well!

   2. Does anyone know if those amazing sale prices are available in a Saks B&M store too?

10. I have an absolutely beautiful beaded clutch which I love. It used to have a “strap” made essentially of some beads on embroidery floss. Normally I am careful of this but it had a mishap during a night out a few months ago and broke causing me to lose about half the beads.
    Because I don’t think another similar strap would work since the beading causes the bag to be very very heavy I want to get a zipper put on the top so that it closes securely in my hand. Right now it has a snap but things fall out all the time.

    Where can I get this done? Or for the crafty people among us – is this even possible? If you have any recommendations for people who might be able to do this in DC I would appreciate it!

    1. If you’re willing to go to Arlington, I love the people at best foot forward in PC. He managed to fix a pretty huge rip and refinish one of my nice leather bags (around $80) and explained every bit of the process to me before he did anything. He was also honest about another item I brought in (too far gone to fix).

       1. I actually live in Arlington so that’s perfect- thank you!!
          I will check them out this weekend

11. I have an absolutely beautiful beaded clutch which I love. It used to have a “strap” made essentially of some beads on embroidery floss. Normally I am careful of this but it had a mishap during a night out a few months ago and it broke causing me to lose about half the beads.
    Because I don’t think another similar strap would work since the beading causes the bag to be very very heavy I want to get a zipper put on the top so that it closes securely in my hand. Right now it has a snap but things fall out all the time.

    Where can I get this done? Or for the crafty people among us – is this even possible? If you have any recommendations for people who might be able to do this in DC I would appreciate it!

12. Has anyone had experience with this brand? I checked their size chart and it seems to run ridiculously huge (37 inch bust for a size 4?!).

    1. I have tried the CT brand – my experience was that it ran small because of the UK sizing. I usually wear a 6 but had to return a size 10 suit from CT because it was too small. Perhaps they have updated their sizing?

    2. I have many shirts from them. Runs true to size for me (size 10). The slim cut shirts really are slim cut though.

13. Does anyone workout at home using DVDs or internet classes? If so, any favorites?

    1. I’ve always enjoyed P90X. When I follow the program all three months, I notice a huge difference. It’s an entire workout program with something for each day of the week, but they’re generally very strenuous workouts. I know some people love the Insanity workouts, as well (made by the same company), but I have several previous injuries that rule out such high-impact cardio.

    2. 30 day shred. Jillian michaels!

       1. I always recommend this to people. I saw significant results from doing it nearly every day for a month at one point. It kicks your butt and is only 20 minutes long. If you like it, I’d recommend her other DVD “no more trouble zones” to add some variety. It’s longer but you can select which “circuits” you want to do via the menu if you want something quicker or want to focus on certain muscle groups.

       2. +1

       3. +1. It is quick and effective.

       4. +1 for Jillian Micheals. I’ve done 30-day shred, No More Trouble Zones, and Ripped in 30. All are really good, but I think the 30-day shred is still my favorite. Minimal equipment needed – basically a mat and light handweights (I use 3 or 5-lb weights).

    3. Insanity and Rodney Yee’s Yoga for Abs.

    4. Bodyrock TV (google: Bodyrock TV no equipment), Jillian Michaels DVDs, and do yoga with me dot com

       Also my cable provider has on demand workouts included in my subscription, which may be something to explore if you have cable.

    5. I have never seen anybody mention this but I was once swayed by an infomercial (hey Ms. Dictatrix!) to purchase Yoga B00ty Ballet. And I kinda love it. Yoga and ballet-based strength training. I have a LOT of dvds at home but that set is by far my most favorite.

       1. I have this too! It has been forever since I tried to do it, though – you just inspired me to pull it back out :) Thanks!

    6. Blogilates!

    7. I use my Ballet Beautiful dvd a lot. It’s really effective for me. It’s floor work, not cardio.

    8. I discovered the FitnessBlender channel on Youtube. Love. It changed my life. You do have to put some thought into selecting your own workouts (unless you choose a paid option), but that flexibility works out well for me.

    9. Just downloaded ballstrike at ballstrike dot com. Lots of fun and a great workout – plus it’s cheap !

    10. Thank you!

14. Good morning ladies, and happy early fourth of July! Threadjack…. does anyone have recommendations for a coffee mug with lid/thermos? I’d like one that holds at least 16 ounces, and that keeps the coffee nice and warm/hot. I always use the paper cups provided at my firm but I feel like I need my own mug now because the cups are so small and I’m always going back to refill. TIA!

    1. I love this Thermos insulated travel mug. I’m on my second one and love it because it is completely spill-proof when it is sealed and keeps my coffee so piping hot that I have burned my tongue hours after filling it. My only complaint is that I got a colored option with my first one and the paint started chipping after a few months of use, so I would go for the plain stainless instead. A lot of people complain that it is a pain to disassemble it to put in the dishwasher, but honestly, I just rinse it out quickly every night and then run it through the dishwasher on the weekend.

       http://www.amazon.com/Thermos-16-Ounce-Vacuum-Insulated-Tumbler-Stainless/dp/B0039SLSU6/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1372862799&sr=8-2&keywords=thermos+coffee+travel+mug

    2. OXO Liquiseal travel mug, although the product specs on Amazon says it only holds 14 ounces. The thing is virtually indestructible. I’ve been in a pretty serious car accident with one, dropped it on the ground, and other various injuries, and it was fine.

       1. One of the OXO’s (I think it’s the Good Grips) gets top ratings from Cooks Illustrated for travel mugs. That thing does not leak.at.all. Just do a thorough cleaning regularly and remove the o-ring to catch any yucky build-up.

          1. I have an OXO Good Grips one and it’s fabulous, totally does not leak, easy to clean, and keeps things warm, but it doesn’t hold a huge amount. I think it’s this one: http://www.oxo.com/p-719-stainless-steel-liquiseal-travel-mug.aspx

             1. I have this one, too, in a nice green color. BUT, if you have milk in your coffee and you don’t rinse it out frequently, it gets hard to clean-out the build-up in the top (you’ll need a pipe cleaner to reach it). I also bought a regular double-insulated travel mug from Starbucks which has a really simple top, and it’s much easier to clean and just as leak-proof as my OXO.

    3. Contigo. They have lots of sizes and the lids are great. Can even put it in my purse without leaking.

       1. +a million for Contigo mugs!! I buy them on Amazon. I have one i use for when I’m just sitting at my desk that is the shape of a regular coffee mug, is ceramic inside, and has a simple lid. I have one for traveling that is a narrow, tall travel mug size, with a stainless steel interior, and a lid that screws on. This one is totally leak proof and I can shove it into my carry on while boarding and not have any leaks. It also has a handle with a clip built into it, so i can quickly clip it on the outside of my bag if needed.

          1. Which contigo mug has the “clip”? The ones I found on Amazon seem sleek but with no clip.

             I am often walking from place to place with bags etc.. and it is hard to carry my coffee.

             Which brings up another question…. Do you guys carry coffee with you on your way to work (commuting) and/or going from office to office and if so, what mug do you use? Do you have a bag with a pocket for the mug or do you clip it somehow? Yes, I know this looks less professional… but coffee is a necessity!

             1. This is the one with the clip. Comes in different colors, too. The top is truly leakproof, even upside down. it’s amazing.
                http://www.amazon.com/Contigo-Extreme-Stainless-Travel-Insulated/dp/B00375ML9I/ref=sr_1_13?s=kitchen&ie=UTF8&qid=1372869891&sr=1-13&keywords=contigo

                I use this one when I’m commuting or traveling, and sometimes in the office, too. If it’s full I just carry it. I basically always have a mug in my hand, I agree it is a necessity, if someone doesn’t think it’s professional they can deal with it!! ;o)

    4. Klean Kanteen Insulated mugs–get the travel top and the cafe top, and just switch them at the office. 16 oz. or 20 oz.. Keeps my coffee warm for hours and hours, and works for cold too (like, still ice cube remnants after 12 hours). I like the brushed steel because (1) I throw it in my bag with keys and other sharp objects, and it doesn’t scratch; and (2) it is machine washable.

       http://www.kleankanteen.com/products/insulated/klean-kanteen-insulated-20oz.php

    5. Another, slightly different, Thermos recommendation:

       http://www.amazon.com/Thermos-Stainless-16-Ounce-Leak-Proof-Midnight/dp/B002PY7AYS/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1372866060&sr=1-1&keywords=thermos+coffee+travel+mug

       I got this for Christmas a couple of years ago, and it’s amazing. The only spills I have ever had are due to my own forgetfullness (throwing it in my purse without closing the top, for example). The paint has chipped on it, but that hasn’t bothered me much. It keeps beverages very hot, and is easy to clean.

    6. Snow Peak Kanpai Bottle
       – 500 ml
       – comes with 3 lids
       – does not leak

       http://www.snowpeak.com/kanpai-500-ds-tw-071.html

       1. Thermos-brand “backpack bottle.” I used one daily for four years of grad school, including putting it in the dishwasher periodically, and it still works well. It has a flip-top lid such that you can drink out of it while walking, reading, etc. — and then close it and toss it in your bag. I literally had it next to my laptop, law books, etc. and as long as the threads are clean when you close the top, no leakage. Cannot rave enough.

15. Does anyone here do spinning and have tips for a newbie? I have a lot of friends that do it and love it, and I know my gym has classes, but I’m a little bit intimidated to jump in.

    1. Don’t be. Really, that’s my best advice. Spinning is great because unlike many other gym classes (I’m sure I’ll get flack for this, but I’m looking at you, yoga/pilates!), you really have no idea what other people are doing. Because you adjust the resistance of your own bike, you can make it as easy or hard as you want. Get there a few minutes early so the instructor can help you set up your bike with seat height, etc., and spin for a few minutes to figure out a good resistance for you, and you’ll be fine.

    2. I think the most intimidating thing about being new to spin is adjusting the bike. The first time I walked into a spin class everyone was there early with serious looking faces spinning away before class even started, while I sat there fumbling over how to get the bike to fit me. I think if you go with a friend who will show you the first time, that would be ideal. As for the actual class, I think the hardest part is learning how to pace yourself but still challenge yourself. That will come with time though. Have fun!

    3. I love love love spin and had no trouble as a newbie. Once I went to a few classes I learned which instructors I liked and didn’t like. A couple were like drill sergeants who would walk around the room yelling at you. Others are a lot more chill about the whole thing. Also find an instructor who plays music you like and can get into. One thing I like about spin is that I can ride by feel and nobody else can see how high or low I set my bike. Your instructor should call out to you the effort you should be working at, and give cues on when to increase/decrease the resistance. Bring lots of water and don’t be afraid to take a little breather if you need to.

    4. I am a fairly regular, but recent, spinner, and I echo what everyone else said. Get to class early, bring water, and a hand towel. Try out a few classes, and pick one with music that you like! Also – be prepared for some, um, rear soreness at least the first class or two. It definitely goes away though, especially if you start to go regularly (my favorite was when I could go three days/week). I also found that bike shorts/triathlon shorts sometimes have some built in padding that helps cushion things :)

16. Does anyone here have carpal tunnel? I’ve been having some numbness in my hand that’s been bothering me, especially at night, and Dr. Google seems to think it’s probably carpal tunnel. What kind of Dr do you see for carpal tunnel? An orthopedist? Have at-home remedies like a splint worked for you?

    1. I have something similar to carpal tunnel in my left wrist (I’m right handed). I wear a splint at night (that I affectionately call my Terminator Arm). I can feel a positive difference when I wear it, although nothing completely cures it. I saw my GP for this.

       The splint I wear goes from several inches below my wrist to up around my thumb. It velcroes around all the way up. I was given it by my doctor at an appointment.

    2. I’d see a neurologist.

    3. Regular, but anon as this would totally out me – I’ve been sleeping in wrist splits on both arms for almost as long as I’ve been in biglaw. I originally had a workers’ comp claim, then months of physical therapy for what turned out to be carpal tunnel AND tendonitis. They are repetitive stress injuries, which basically means you need to work less/differently for the symptoms to lessen. Get an ambidextrous trackball mouse, an ergo keyboard, an adjustable chair, a footrest, and a physical therapist or a personal trainer who has been specifically educated in working with people with repetitive stress injuries. Regular mice are evil, as are laptop trackpads. Stay off your smart phone. There are certain angles I can’t do without modifications (like plank, for example) because my wrists aren’t aligned, so I have to use dumbells and grip those to keep my wrists aligned. Deal with this ASAP because after numbness comes tingling and after tingling comes FIRE. I ignored my symptoms until the FIRE portion, waking up with searing pain in both arms and needing to go out on leave.

    4. I’d see a hand surgeon

17. I’m slightly embarrassed by this TJ, but I have to share with it someone and feel too self-conscious to discuss it IRL.

    I had a dream last night where I was on a date with an older, but still very charming gentleman. There were no “walks in the garden” in the dream, just he picked me up, we went to dinner, and we had several heart to heart talks (about our lives, about how I make him feel, etc.). Ugh…also I’m married in the dream. I was so unsettled when I woke up and can’t stop thinking about it and this nameless/faceless person (he doesn’t resemble anyone I know IRL)…I guess he made me feel special and like I was the center of his attention…

    The thing is, I’m happily married (almost 7 years) and with kids. My DH and I have had our ups and downs (like most marriages, I suspect) but are generally happy with each other and our lives. I did not tell him about this dream (although we discuss and share everything about each other) and can’t figure out at all what was so different or unsettling about it. Why can’t I stop thinking about it?!

    Sorry, I know I sound crazy – anyone experience something similar?

    1. Yeah, it sounds like a weird dream. As someone who has had really unsettling dreams for most of my life to the point where I have sought psychological/medicinal help, I can try to translate what I’ve been told by doctors: Dreams are a random assortment of thoughts/feelings/memories/associations that just pop through your brain. The emotions you feel while dreaming might be completely unrelated to what’s going on in the dream or your emotions in your waking life. There is no deeper meaning in them, unless you’re dreaming about something obvious (I dreamt the other day that I didn’t finish a project I was working on at work–obviously that was related to work stress!).

       And as a happily-partnered person who has dream-LGPs with half the neighborhood on the regular, I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. That’s just the way your brain is processing information and doesn’t mean anything about your actual desires.

    2. I just had a dream where I was cheating on my husband….with my husband. No idea.

       I think you just have to acknowledge your unconscious is sorting things out and not take it too literally.

    3. Sounds like a nice dream. I’d enjoy it and move on.

18. I have submitted a few memos to an associate who subsequently has added content (increasing the length of the memos by about 10%) and then forwarded the memos to partners. I am listed as the only author of the memos, and her e-mails do not note that she added content. However, her additions have several typos, and I am concerned that the partners will think that I made these mistakes. Any advice?

    1. Maybe next time when you send it to her ask her if you can review any changes before she send them out to make sure you understand them? That way you can catch typos.

    2. What sort of file database does your firm use? Does it track versions of documents? If so, you could save your document as one version and forward a new version to the associate. Then she has complete ownership of that version and the history will show that all the shoddy work was done by her. Not sure how much that helps, because I doubt a partner is really going to get into the document history too much, but at least it creates some sort of trail

       One thing we did at my firm was submit all of our final work product to the coordinator of our summer program. He created a portfolio of that work and then gave it to the hiring committee at the end of the summer. We were told to turn in work before it was substantially edited by anyone else (although we were encouraged to get regular feedback from associate mentors throughout the writing process).

       If your firm doesn’t do this you could perhaps try to create your own portfolio of your work before anyone else tinkers with it too much. At the end of the summer you could approach someone on the hiring committee and give them the portfolio. I don’t know exactly how that would go over . . .

       I’ll leave it to others to suggest any confrontation with the associate. I know when I was a summer that was something I never would have considered, but that’s me.

       1. Thanks for the suggestions. I should have clarified that my firm does already require summers to submit copies of our work product to the hiring committee, so those with the most say in whether I get an offer will only see my (mostly) typo-free work. I am mostly concerned about making a good impression on these partners whose only exposure to me is through these memos. (I have tried to seek out other work for them in order to give myself a second chance but haven’t had any success yet.) Is it common practice for someone to make changes to a memo but not add his/her name as an author? Also, the database does track a document’s history and notes who made modifications but not what specific modifications.

    3. If you’re at a big firm, odds are that only the associate is going to write a review of your work, not the partner. I’d only be worried about this if the partner writes a review for your file, because then he/she might write something negative and it wouldn’t be your fault. Again, assuming you’re at a big firm, I’d suggest you just go talk to the summer associate coordinator — just tell her what happened, and that you don’t want to makes any waves by confronting the associate about it, but that if the partner ends up writing a negative review, then you’d like the chance to set the record straight. Not a big deal, stuff like this happens all the time.

19. sdfadf

20. For those in VA – I’m furniture shopping. Any thoughts on Greenfront (Farmville) v Hickory, NC? I have a 4 day weekend that I’ll use to shop. I’ve been to Farmville before, but not Hickory. Wondering if it’s worth the drive to Hickory since I prefere to see things in person. Anyone have any preference/tips/advice? Thank you!

21. DH confided in me about a dilemma he’s having at work, and I’d appreciate this group’s advice. DH is an attorney in private practice but I am not, so I think this group might know better than I do how he should approach this. Essentially, someone much more senior than DH has been continually making comments speculating where he is going or how he spends his time when he is leaving work for any sort of planned leave (compliant with his firm’s policies) and even on weekends. He thought this senior lawyer was just being rude but he brushed it off until it actually came up negatively in a review. It wasn’t in a sense of: “[DH] left when I needed him to do X.” But more along the lines of “[DH] decided to do Y instead of helping out with X,” and on another occasion, “[DH] thinks Y is more interesting than so-and-so’s (client’s) work.” The problem is, this person is completely off-base with what (s)he thinks DH is doing. On one occasion, he left at 5:30pm, after notifying the office, because we had to go to a memorial service for an immediate family member. The senior employee included in his/her complaint that DC was going to happy hour/dinner/other social function (I have no idea why (s)he would think this, or think (s)he had any basis to know what he was doing). (S)he seems to be convinced that my husband has a lot more fun than he has, and resent him tremendously for it. He’s a fun, outgoing guy, and he is not one to emphasize the negatives in his life or dwell on obligations. It’s almost like (s)he’s punishing him for not whining about work constantly and buying into the whole “busier-than-thou” culture in biglaw. To be clear, there doesn’t seem to be a claim that DH’s work isn’t up to par, just that he’s not been there to do it on some occasions. He’s in a fairly relaxed practice group and works consistently with what everyone else does- billing is good, facetime is above average, he often works weekends and generally (from my perspective) seems to be very accommodating of working even when we had flexible plans (ie we routinely cancel dinner plans or Saturday fun plans because of work- fine, I expect this). The speculation about our lives is what really bothers me. Other seniors at the firm haven’t made us feel like they own us, but this one certainly does. It’s put DH in the position to share more than he wants to (and more than he should, IMO) and he feels guilty about ever leaving work for a personal reason. IMO, someone shouldn’t need to be dying before you can go home at 7pm when a project is completely non-urgent. DH likes his job, plans on staying for a while (if they’ll have him), but will never really get away from the person who is making these judgments. He thinks, since he wants to stay, going to HR would do more harm then good, and would also put him in the awkward situation of proving his whereabouts. The main problem is the complainer is keeping billable work from DH, is well-liked by the other attorneys (though not staff, unsurprisingly), and DH is now very concerned about his reputation (he’s had other attorneys reference information about him that started with the complainer- someone asked him how about social event that we were not at, and he was able to find out that the complainer was spreading rumors about what he was doing when he took off 1 day when I had surgery and required help). He did not say anything during the review (he says he was so surprised be was dumbstruck), but he wants to be prepared for the next one. How would you ladies protect your reputation? I think he needs to, at a minimum, be prepared to bring it up at the next review. He is concerned about sounding defensive. How would you respond to that type of accusation? Would you bring it up outside of a formal review?

    1. Is senior a partner or a senior associate (if you can say)? I ask because if it’s a partner unfortunately your husband might be in a very tough spot — law firms are, on the whole, very hierarchical (speaking from one lawyers experience) and it is not easy to call a partner out on anything. Even if the partner is totally just arbitrarily out to get your husband, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. After all, they own the firm, they’re not just your boss in some string of management. If its an associate, I would suggest that your husband take him out to lunch or coffee, mention that he got the message during the review that the senior associate was displeased or whatever with his commitment to work and wanted to get more detailed feedback and talk to him about it. If it’s a partner and I were him I would just do my best for a couple of months to be on and available at all times. Confrontation is not likely to be very helpful in that case.

       Generally, taking leave “consistent with firm policies” isn’t always okay, unfortunately (and as you note). It could be that on a few occasions your husband didn’t realize the rest of the team was busy and took off when they needed him — can happen easily as law firms are not the best-managed places and often people are left out of the communication loop. When something similar has happened to me (i.e. I mistakenly took off and then something came up and I learned after the fact that I wasn’t around to pitch in), I have actively looked for opportunities to pitch in or take on a project from someone else on the team who is too busy to do it.

       Hope that helps! Politics at law firms are kind of the worse. I second his instincts generally though — going to HR is not a great idea.

       1. It’s not a partner. It’s just someone (a good deal) more senior than he is in a small practice group, who also happens to be well-liked and presents themselves as an authority on people-matters in the office, which is why DH is worried about his reputation.

       2. Also, to clarify: it’s not that DH is taking the maximum amount of personal time/vacation the firm allows. We know that the paper policies are generous but sometimes workflow doesn’t allow that to happen. I’ve been extremely busy with work this year, and saved my vacation time for my surgery recovery, so we’re talking about taking a small handful (no more than 5) days off in a year, all for important stuff, with maybe one long weekend where he ended up working anyway. The complainer’s problem doesn’t seem to be that DH isn’t there enough, but rather that he is having fun when he takes time off, or that he is prioritizing life over work, which I don’t think is a valid complaint, but hasn’t even been based on an accurate picture of what’s going on.

          Thank you, so so much, for reading the incredibly long post and replying. We are really desperate and I didn’t know where I could talk about this. It feels better just to know I’m not crazy/unreasonable!

          1. I think others have made very good points, so I’ll defer to them…

             This does seem reasonable, but even a handful of days if they are REALLY THE WRONG DAYS could be viewed poorly. For example, if we have a major deadline on the calendar and a junior associate mentioned they were taking a day off in the few days before it was due for anything other than a major emergency, I may have concerns. Also, it may be more about how the information is being presented than the time itself — if (s)he views his request as too casual or a demand instead of a request, it could be rubbing him/her the wrong way. I’d advise your husband to think about these issues as he’s communicating with this person in the issue.

             Also possible, that this person is just nutty or doesn’t like your husband… in which case I’d follow others advice to do what he can to redeem the relationship

             1. As a lawyer applying to jobs from a clerkship now, you guys have solidified my decision that I don’t want to work in biglaw. Working in a job where taking a handful of days off for very valid reasons that may be “wrong” because there is work to be done at the office is absurd to me. I can’t imagine that people can truly live like this! If leaving early one day to go to a funeral reflects negatively on you… whatsoever…no matter what the work situation at the office is… that would be a place I’d RUN from.

    2. This might totally depend on his firm, his seniority, and the position of the problem person, but does he have a partner who’s on his side? This could be someone he’s done stellar work for, or someone he’s gotten to know through a committee or other work. He might consider asking that person for some time to talk, then explaining that he’s worried that there hasn’t been effective communication surrounding some personal time he’s taken, and he’s wondering if there’s something he can do to improve this. It might be that he could say that he’s concerned that time he’s taken for serious family events has been misconstrued as “fun” time, but also that he wants to make sure he’s never leaving anyone in the lurch. It would be more of a “hey, how do I handle this better” question and less of a “this person is being mean to me” complaint, but might ultimately have the effect of putting it out in the rumor mill that he’s getting unfairly dinged for these things. Not sure if I’m being clear here. But, wow, that person sounds like s/he has some issues. I’m sorry your husband is dealing with this!

       1. +1. I really think this is the best way to approach the situation.

          Law firm politics are the worst!

          1. I think I’d be less inclined to talk about what I did in my time-off around her if it were me.

             I’ve been in a similar position in the past and I pretty much stopped talking about my personal life and tried to only talk about work-related matters. Whether this was wrong or right, I don’t know. But my thinking was that the discussion and speculation about my time-off was unprofessional and unnecessary. I looked at it as removing potential fuel/starving the fire and resetting the workplace parameters. This person was in a supervisory position over me.

             The results were both good and bad, but I stuck to my guns. It changed our relationship.

             I’m really interested to see what advice others have to this question.

    3. My sister works for someone like this. She has found that the best way to mitigate is to confide a little more in this colleague than she would like to. “I’ll be out of the office because my wife is having surgery.” ” I have to leave by 5 to get to the church for the memorial service of my aunt.” Etc. I am very private and it galls me to feel that I have to reveal details of my life, but sometimes these types of colleagues are very invested in knowing what’s going on and they can be rather influential, so it makes sense to me to play that game.

       1. +1. It appears that the office culture shares personal info. So, your husband has to fit into it by feeding his supervisor information that is objective and blameless. The suggestions Moonstone gave are great. When your husband *is* taking fun time off, he should talk about how his time off is going to throw a wrench in everything and how he can’t wait to get back. Mention nothing about fun time, especially to that person.

          Such a pain to realize that sometimes life really is a popularity contest.

       2. +1. Is it possible that Senior Person (“SP”) resents your husband for not turning to her as a confidante? There are some people who really think of themselves as the hub of all the information in the office and get a kick out of being the social hub. If your husband is declining to confide in her, she might resent it.

          If your DH really wants to stay in this office, I’d consider having a heart to heart with SP. She will love it, and it might help smooth things over. It can be galling to have to complain when you’d rather put on a happy face, or to have to confide when you’d rather be stoic, but as Moonstone says, some people are very invested in knowing what’s going on. If your husband coughs up the details, SP might ease up on the insinuations.

    4. Coming from BigLaw, I’d say he should do a few things:
       – Always say “yes” when asked if he can help with a project
       – Put in the face time
       – Always have the appearance of being busy (ridiculous, but true), but yet willing to help.

    5. The most mature way to handle it would be for him to have a conversation with the senior person. Given that senior person actually have him a review that commented on the issue gives him the perfect opportunity. He should ask if there’s a time they can speak, go to her office, and say something like, “I got my reviews recently and I was concerned about your review and I wanted to discuss it with you.” He should NOT dispute what she said, but rather take the opportunity to assure her that he really wants to succeed at this, is willing to work hard and put the hours in, that he really does prioritize that client’s work. He can conclude by saying that if he conveyed any impression to the contrary it was totally unintentional and ask her for advice on how to make sure he doesn’t give off the wrong impression to anyone else either.

       1. Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my long and desperate post. I have passed your comments along to DH. I don’t know that he will be as direct in addressing it as I would have been, but he understands that he needs to do something, whether it’s “playing the game” and making it more clear that he’s regretful when he needs to take time off (I actually can see this being a big deal/good advice- a lot of people, including myself, have interpreted his positive attitude as being flippant/flaky) or sharing a bit more to protect his reasons.

          1. I’m late, so I’m not sure you will see this. I agree that “playing the game” is absolutely what he needs to do. If he took time off for your surgery, the partners and his co-workers should know this is why he took time off. He should also, start “casually” mentioning working extra hours/late at night. “Yes, I finished that draft late last night/Saturday evening.”Also helpful to check your email and do even 30 mins (or maybe a couple of hours) of work later at night (9-10pm), and make sure to reply to/send emails at this time. Some of this may seem silly, but it does show that he’s working hard and is dedicated to the job. Think of “playing the game” as the price of admission to being successful at this firm. I always check my emails late at night and use to wait until the morning to reply. In my last job during my last year there, I started replying to emails late at night, and my boss went out of her way to comment how much “better” I was doing at the job.

22. I’ll try and make this as to the point as possible. I’ve been at my current job for almost 3 weeks. My boss is a guy in his early 40’s who is married. He’s very up on the trends of clothing, etc. and it’s obvious that he spends a fair amount of money on his clothes and shoes. Everyone in the company received a $1,000 bonus earlier this week. I didn’t expect to receive the bonus because I’ve only been here for a few weeks. I was surprised when I got home and found the check in my mailbox. I emailed my boss and said that I wasn’t expecting to receive a check but was very appreciative that I had. His response was that he was glad to hear that I received the check and that I should go buy some good shoes. I should’ve just left it at that but I wrote back and said are you trying to tell me that I wear bad shoes? He wrote back, those beige vinyl shoes you wear are awful (they’re basic nude patent pumps with a 3 inch heel). I was at home at this point so I started full on crying my eyes out. I wrote back – I actually like them and they’re nude not beige, get it right (we have a bantering like relationship). I am very sensitive to negative comments regarding my body, clothing or appearance in general. I try hard to look put together and professional and this just really hurt my feelings. Questions – should I really not be wearing nude patent pumps? I love them as they seem to go with everything. How would you have reacted in this situation?

    1. First, why would you ever thank your boss for a bonus? Do you thank him for your paycheck? Second, toughen up. Jesus. He made a joke about your shoes after you sent an email. Relax. He shouldn’t of made the buy new shoes comment but just let it go. Do whatever you want with the money and please stop crying about this complete non issue.

       1. Agree with Anonymous, but seriously, my experience is that people should not comment on clothes and shoes in the workplace except to make generic compliments. There’s nothing good that can come of it, especially if it’s a comment on appearance between genders. In your situation, I would have ignored the initial e-mail on the shoes, and not made it into an e-mail conversation about fashion. You have a work relationship – you shouldn’t invite him to comment on any aspect of your life other than your good work.

    2. It sounds like he was joking. The comment about buying shoes was a little stupid because it sounds to me like the typical “all women love expensive shoes!” trope. I doubt he was actually commenting on your shoes. Your shoes are fine. Even if he knows about trends in men’s clothing, it sounds like he knows nothing about women’s clothing. I think you probably read a lot more into this than he intended. I’d let it go.

    3. It sounds like you started this by asking a question you didn’t want an answer to. You asked him if you wore bad shoes. If you didn’t want the answer, you should have left it at thank you and taken his comment to be general and not specific.

       If it were me, and I liked the shoes, I’d continue to wear them without mentioning it again. If I questioned whether they were professional, I’d ask a friend for her honest opinion. If there’s nothing unprofessional about them, I’d just chalk it up to the fact that you have different taste than he.

       Personally, I think vinyl shoes are bad. I’m a leather all the way person. Leather upper and soles. I don’t like man made materials in my shoes. But, I recognize that not everyone has the same taste as I do.

    4. I get why you are upset. I would hate his comment too, and I think it’s great you fired back and didn’t just grin and bear it like I would have. But now that you’ve cried about it, I encourage you to move on and shrug it off. He’s just one person. His opinion is not the be all end all of what is appropriate in the workplace. I think nude pumps are super fashionable. He probably just enjoys bantering with people and didn’t realize you’d take it so personally. Don’t worry about it anymore.

    5. Agree with Anonymous, but seriously, my experience is that people should not comment on clothes and shoes in the workplace except to make generic compliments. There’s nothing good that can come of it, especially if it’s a comment on appearance between genders. In your situation, I would have ignored the initial e-mail on the shoes, and not made it into an e-mail conversation about fashion. You have a work relationship – you shouldn’t invite him to comment on any aspect of your life other than your good work.

    6. What. The. Actual. F%ck. If I were you, I would wear my nude patent pumps as often as possible. Especially since he called them out.

       If other women are wearing patent pumps in the office, then I think you’re fine. Nude pumps, especially nude patent pumps are trendy. Some people hate them. Oh wells, go and brush your shoulders off.

       If he had written the initial comment about buying shoes to me, I would not have replied and made fun of him the next day verbally. Don’t cry/worry, your boss was being an inappropriate DOOSH.

       1. +1

       2. So…my DH doesn’t typically wear $1000 shoes, but he does have opinion on ladies’ clothes. He HATES nude shoes in general, and specifically, patent ones. I bought some, and returned them because every time I went to wear them and ask his opinion, he tell me he doesn’t like the shoes.

          I’d say ignore it; sounds like you have a banter-y relationship with your boss. Next time you wear them, you can say, “couldn’t bear to part this these babies!” and just own it.

    7. I can easily see this being a situation where a lack of tone/context in email created issues. You thanked him for the bonus, he made a (slightly sexist) offhand comment about “go buy some shoes!” When you asked him specifically about the shoes, it may have been a slightly sarcastic/joke-y response, “oh, yes, those beige shoes are awful” – they sound pretty inoffensive/bland so unless there’s something super bizarre about them, I very much doubt that he actually made a mental note to mention your beige shoes to you if the opportunity arose. Probably he was joking and they were the only pair he could recall seeing you wear.

    8. Why are you having these type of discussion with your boss anyway? Your response to him seems almost inappropriately flirty to me.

       1. This is how I read it as well. Even if it would have sounded OK IRL, email tone can be tricky.

23. A friendly acquaintance of mine is a seamstress and is tailoring a dress for me. She gave me her hourly rate and an estimate of how long it would take her (which works out to much less than a tailor if I just walked in off the street). Should I tip her when I pay her? Just give her a nice bottle of wine or some thank you gift when I pay her? None of the above?

    1. Just pay her however much she asks. No tip or gifts necessary. If you want to get her something, sure.

24. HELP. My email address is firstlast at gmail. Several years ago I started receiving mostly harmless emails meant for a woman with my same name. They were mostly email blasts from businesses she frequents. Sometimes they are actual emails, in which case I will reply to the sender to tell them they have the wrong person. Fast forward to earlier this year when I started receiving messages from her real estate agent. I wrote back, saying she had the wrong person. I never received a response. However, several weeks ago, I started receiving confidential messages about “my” real estate transaction. They were automatically generated, and one even had a username and password to log into a site to view my documents and forms!! I immediately contacted the woman with my same name on Facebook to tell her I was getting these confidential messages (and that I frequently receive a lot of email meant for her) and to double-check the email address her agent had on file. I never got a response to that. I thought it had been resolved until this morning when I received yet another automatic message from the agent about the sale. I have tried to contact both the agent and the intended recipient of these messages and that hasn’t worked. Any ideas on what else I should try? I feel very uncomfortable getting these messages. I would just block the address these messages come from but I would like to resolve this issue on a larger scale (e.g. I would like to stop receiving her email from any sender entirely).

    1. Have you called the agent? I would call the agent and let them know to change it. Facebook doesn’t let you receive messages from strangers, it goes into the “other” box that no one ever checks so she most likely never saw your message. I’d try calling the agent and then just block the email address. Also relax about it, your are not doing anything wrong. I feel like everyone needs to chill out today.

    2. My husband’s email is his first initial last name. He has had a very similar problem with two separate people – one woman and one much older man. He has received emails from a car dealership (and several extremely partisan organizations) for the woman, and replies to an ad on a dating website for senior citizens for the man. He has, like you, tried to contact senders, etc. to stop the emails, but has had no luck. Unfortunately, using the delete button is about all you can do.

    3. I have 3 women using my gmail account this way. I just keep unsubscribing and inactivating their accounts. If it’s a personal message, I reply to the sender. Usually it goes away.

       I did have one woman who was so bad that I was concerned for her online safety. She had signed up for a pregnancy site and was about 4 weeks pregnant (so I guessed she hadn’t told anyone yet). The profile included her home address so I mailed her a card congratulating her! I haven’t heard “from” her since.

       1. This is hilarious.

    4. I have the same issue (first initial last name @ email) and…you tried. You did your due diligence.

       If they are auto generated emails, there should probably be an unsubscribe link at the bottom of the email. Or you could try emailing the agent to have your email removed from the mailing list – don’t bother trying explain why, just asked to be removed. And then mark everything from that sender as spam.

    5. Call the agent or the agent’s office and complain.

    6. How have you tried to respond to the intended recipient? Because she seems like the obvious person to do the running around. I would forget about the content of the emails and send them to spam but before that, I’d call the agent and get this women’s actual email address. Then I’d email her with some personal information and point out that you receive it *a lot*.

       I was once using a library for a while and the guy before me would also leave himself logged onto gmail. All I did was send them an email from himself pointing out that it was a huge security risk. It stopped. The point is that she needs to be extra careful when telling people her address and that’s only going to happen if you get hold of her.

       1. Eh…why would the agent give you the email of a client. I’d find that totally sketch. I would tell the agent to remove your email from their system – that’s all you really need to be concerned about.

       2. I sent her a message on facebook but I have no idea what her actual email address is.

    7. Why are you assuming that the other person on Facebook with your name is the person doing the real estate transaction? It’s not your duty to figure out who she is and to ask her to fix the problem. All you need to do is to reply back to each e-mail and say that the e-mail was incorrectly sent to you. E-mail the agent and tell him/her that the e-mail address is incorrect. That’s it. When snail mail accidentally arrives at your door, you write “return to sender,” you don’t try to call the person whose mail you received, do you?

    8. Welcome to my world. I have an extreme common name (think 8 million+ results when you type it into Google) and I happen to have the firstnamelastname of my gmail.

       I definitely understand why you’re trying to contact that person – I have received extremely sensitive bank account information for some of my name clones before. It’s (a) annoying to get multiple emails for the wrong person a day and (b) if it were me, and my sensitive emails were going to the wrong person, I’d appreciate the notification.

       Two thoughts –
       – Try calling the real estate agent (I’ve done this with multiple banks, libraries, etc who had the email wrong)
       – Sometimes my name clones use my email when they’re filling out spam/email lists they don’t actually want to be a part of. It’s possible that this is the case here. Then I just delete those.

       Otherwise…I just give up. There are two people who persistently use my email and no matter what I do, they won’t stop. I don’t even reply anymore, even when its sensitive, – I just delete the emails and move on.

25. I don’t know if anyone will see this since it’s so late in the morning but – I’m so sad. My mom lost her job yesterday. I think it was unfair but my perspective is colored. My mom has always been my career role model and she sounded so hurt and confused on the phone (and really, the issue boiled down to a personality fit between the new director overseeing her, and herself (IMO mostly relating to age and gender, somewhat) – her work has been good throughout) and my heart is just breaking for her. It’s… my mom, you know? I hate that she’s so hurt and sad. I hate that they escorted her out of the building. I hate that she is so confused as to why it happens, because she is so earnest and well-meaning.

    Luckily, she and my dad are okay for money, they are at the point in their careers where they are working because they enjoy it, not because they need the money. But my mom has always derived so much of her identity from her work and been so passionate about it – it just hurt my heart to hear her so sad on the phone. I’m so used to my mom being there for me, but I’m growing into an age where we are there for one another. I sent her flowers (well, my sisters and I did) and I’m going home for a few weeks next month (already planned) but I’m not sure what else I can do to keep her spirits up as she goes through this. Any advice would be helpful.

    1. I’m sorry! A similar thing happened to my family member. It’s so common these days. I feel like everyone has to deal with this at some point in their career, but it hurts even more when you’re nearing the end of your career and feel you deserve better treatment. I would just spend some extra time with her and maybe plan some fun outings together if possible over the course of the next few months. When she’s ready to think about the next step, encourage her to pursue hobbies and do things she never had time for before, whether it’s volunteering or reading new books or going for a job in a different area that sounds like fun (I’ve always dreamed about working in a flower shop someday when I’m nearing retirement).

       1. That’s so sad, MOA! I agree with this – just be there for her, send her messages frequently (small things, like take a photo with your phone and email it to her, not always worried “are you okay” type emails or texts), maybe have her come visit you one weekend and do some fun activities. And definitely encourage her to pursue long-neglected hobbies or interests.

    2. Ugh. I’m so sorry for your poor Mom. Totally understand your situation.

       After working for 30 years for the same Big Law firm, my Mom was basically pushed encouraged to “retire” due to politics and poor management choices – and was forced out. It was absolutely devastating to her. Unfortunately, she didn’t share what was really going on with me and my father was not as supportive of her pain as he should have been.

       It was particularly hard for my mother because her work was her life… and her social life… and when it ended she literally had nothing except for her very solitary hobbies of reading etc.. Since my father was still working, she suddenly was alone every day. It was not good for her mood and she really struggled.

       Unfortunately, my mother died quiet suddenly soon after which was a totally shock… due to a hidden cancer.

       This taught me life is short. You have to live. Really live… since you never know what tomorrow will bring. It is also very easy at a juncture like this for your Mom to sink into a depression, so make sure you encourage her to keep up to date with her doctor’s appointments.

       It is wonderful you are visiting soon. This is a great thing, as she needs support and distractions and things to look forward to. If possible, always have the next visit on the horizon… even if it is many months away, but it gives her something to look forward to.

       Understand that it is overwhelming right now to think of what to do next. The most important thing is for her to have local support. A friend, a neighbor… someone to talk/vent to occasionally who might be able to relate and support. Even secretly encouraging those people to reach out to your Mom might help.

       My Mom did not respond well when I had many “suggestions” of what to do with her time. Perhaps your Mom will be more open. Try not to suggest too many things at once, but for her to find either another part time job or volunteering position where she feels like she has a purpose and a social group will be the most important things. Sure, pursuing hobbies, taking classes etc.. is nice, but may not be fulfilling enough for someone like your Mom… especially if she is not of retirement age with many friends around … and especially if your father is working. But it is a good time to remind your Mom if she has any secret desires/longstanding interests and passions that were never pursued. I love your flower shop idea.

       Good luck to you, and thanks for thinking about your Mom so lovingly.

    3. Don’t try and keep her spirits up. This sucks. Let them be down for a while. Call her and listen.

       1. That’s a good point. I want to just go into bear mode and protect my mom (or tell her to call a lawyer) but you’re right – the most important thing to do is just listen to her.

       2. This. I know this is a role reversal but my mom is always immediately in fix it mode and when I lost my job, I just wanted her to say “I’m so sorry, KLG. That really sucks.”

    4. Thanks guys! I am hopeful my mom will find something else (I think she will) and I’m also hopeful ultimately she’ll end up in a better place because of it – but I just want to rush in and fix things now. So I’ll just try to regularly check in with her and see how she is and try to plan things she can look forward to.

26. Thank you!

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