This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I'll be the first to admit: sometimes I make assumptions on clothes based on the brand. Were this dress by David Meister, for example, I'd call it a hot mama dress and only recommend it for a night on the town. But this dress is Tahari — which suggests to me that the fit and styling of this dress is going to be perfect for that day where you have to go from desk to dinner (or, say, for that company holiday party that happens right after work). Reviewers say pretty much the same — wear it with a jacket for work, without for a night out; I'd maybe suggest switching necklace and your heels as well. The dress is $128 at Nordstrom, and is available in regular and petites. Tahari Crepe Sheath Dress
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-3)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Sweater jacket?
Does anyone have recommendations for a good sweater jacket from Nordstrom? That’s on my wardrobe fill-in list and I have a gift card to use. Anything under $75-100 would be ideal and I’m a pear-shaped person with larger arms. Thank you!
Bonnie
This one looks nice: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/amber-sun-herringbone-sweater-jacket/3517675?origin=keywordsearch
NOLA
I finally had the chance to read the jewelry post from yesterday afternoon and, I have to say – awesome, Kanye! I am decidedly a Fussy Adorned Demure Silver… and I love the connection with Myers-Briggs!
Kanye East
I’m so glad you liked it! Obviously, it was a highly scientific endeavor. Years of field research went into my analysis.
AlaskaLaw
Where can this post be found? I wanna play, too…
preg anon
Monday was my first day back at work, and my precious baby started teething at exactly the same time. It was heartbreaking to come home and have him crying all night, not to mention the lack of sleep. And I am going to my grandmother’s funeral today. It’s been a rough week, and I just felt like complaining. Thanks. :)
January
That sounds like a rough week, you’re allowed to complain :)
This too shall pass. Hang in there.
kjoirishlastname
That is the worst. I hated leaving both of mine at first, but it does get better.
Sorry you’re having such a rough week. You’re entitled to complain!
preg 3L
Oh no, preg anon, that is so rough. Big hugs.
JJ
I’m so sorry for your loss. My first week back (the week before Thanksgiving) was similar. Just recognize that for the first few months back at work, everything at home is in triage mode until you get your routine down and cut yourself some slack.
After being depressed for being back at work, I made a conscious effort to remember why I like my job and working. For instance – I can go to the bathroom when I want! I can go out to lunch! It actually helped me feel better.
Eleanor
I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother.
TBK
That’s definitely rough. I’m so sorry. I lost my Gram a couple of years ago and I have to say, it doesn’t matter how long we get to keep them, it’s hard to let grandmas go.
preg anon
Thanks to everyone. I appreciate having a place to complain. I expected to come home after my first day at work and play and laugh with my little man, but instead he was inconsolable. It was better last night, and hopefully will be better tonight (although traveling always throws a wrench in his schedule). Thanks again.
tesyaa
First day back after maternity leave is the most miserable day of your life. I clearly remember a day spent crying in the bathroom at work, and I wasn’t even pumping (and it wasn’t even my first baby). Hang in there, it will get better!
Diana Barry
Sorry for your loss.
When he reaches 6 months, INFANT ADVIL is the best thing ever. Hang in there!
Gigi
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry all this stuff is happening at the same time. Feel free to complain anytime on here:) Hang in there!
MU JD
Echoing everyone else’s sentiments – I’m so sorry for your loss. Hang in there with baby – it will get easier!
RR
My baby is also teething, and not sleeping, and soooooo tired………
So sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hugs and commiseration from another mom with a newborn.
CBW
Early (and long) threadjack: I need some advice. Once I graduated from law school, I clerked for a judge then took a job at my alma mater in the alumni relations and development office. I did this primarily because me and my hubby (big law) wanted to start a family. (We now have a 10 month old!) I have never practiced law but now I am starting to worry that I wasted my time (and money) getting a law degree. I am trying to decide if I want to quit my job and look for something in the legal field. I love the flexibility I have now working 35-40 hours a week, but I feel like I am missing something because my job is not challenging. The problem is, I don’t want to work 60 hours a week because my SO works long hours as well. So I guess my question is, do any of you work part time, and if so, do you enjoy it? Or am I just going through “the grass is always greener on the other side” phase?
kjoirishlastname
Just because you aren’t using your actual degree doesn’t mean it isn’t meaningful to your career.
If you love what you do, you appreciate the flexibility, and it pays the bills, so what if it isn’t a law-job? I would say enjoy the “not challenging” job now, while you are stretched thin with your young family. Once your kid(s) is in school, he becomes easier to manage, and you may be able to devote more time and effort into a different job.
I love my job. It isn’t what I went to school for, at all, but it’s related. But, I also work 40-50 hours a week (for local government!) and have evening meetings at least once a week that often take me out of the picture for dinner & bedtime with my kids. Then, I get up early in the morning, and MIGHT see them both before I go to work and they go to pre/school. It sucks. A lot. There are weeks that go by that I feel like I haven’t seen my kids or my husband, and I just have to remind myself how much I really do like my job, and how damn good at it I am. I am fortunate that both my supervisor and my boss value flexibility, and when we have meetings that go till 11:00 pm (not unheard-of), the morning after is usually a bit more leisurely.
If I were you, I would stick it out a while longer. (This is also coming from a bigtime “grass-is-greener” girl)
roses
I don’t work part time, but I’m not even sure it’s an option for you, unfortunately. Aside from doc review work (which does not really fulfill your “challenging” requirement), there aren’t very many part-time, entry-level legal jobs out there. However, if you want something more legal-related with similar hours to what you have now, some courts have career clerk positions that you would likely have the appropriate skill set for. Maybe reach out to the judge you clerked for if you’re interested in that.
roses
To clarify, I mean working part time in a legal job, not working part time in general.
Sydney Bristow
Depending on the city, doc review work can be as many hours as biglaw so I don’t necessarily think that is a solution either.
posey
I don’t work part time, but at my current legal I am physically in my office for about 45 hrs per week, and it’s pretty relaxed during those hours. Not all law jobs are super stressful and have tough hours – being a lawyer and having reasonable hours are not mutually exclusive. If you look and aren’t hung up on working at biglaw or in a prestigious firm or field, there are plenty of opportunities.
ANP
I work in development. Even if this wasn’t the area of law you originally wanted to practice, what about moving into a planned giving position? I know tons of lawyers who work as planned gift officers and really enjoy their work. Just a thought.
saltylady
I did work part time for a large law firm and then a small law firm, before going in house full time. I only did this after working full time for years. Most places won’t hire someone new on a part time basis unless they have some special expertise– I was only able to get my second firm to do that because I had spent 10 years in a specialty area at a name brand firm. But . . . what I was really going to tell you is that your job sounds awesome and the exact kind of thing that many attorneys I know dream of when they’re thinking the grass is always greener. In fact, I have one friend who is a specialist in an esoteric area of law, now working in house at a great company (seriously a dream job), and she has been trying to get a job at our law school’s alumni relations/career placement office for at least 3 years, even though it would mean having to sell her house and move to an apartment with her two kids. Grass really is always greener.
Wannabe Runner
I agree. Your job sounds heavenly. No obnoxious clients, no arguing things you don’t believe in. Just selling your great school.
Dulcinea
I don’t work part time, but I do want to say that if you really do want to practice law you probably should try to get some practice experience as soon as you can. Consider volunteering at legal aid. Some bar associations also have volunteer lawyer programs where you take occasional cases pro bono. My legal aid organization periodically organizes free trainings for the private bar with various specialists; the private attorneys just have to agree to take one pro bono case in exchange for the training.
But, if you just feel guilty that you aren’t using your degree, I would say cut yourself some slack. What’s done is done, the choices you made in your life led you to the happy place you are now, and there are plenty of people who end up not using various degrees for a whole host of reasons.
anon
I think that even if you regret the degree a little, it will never outweigh the benefit of being able to spend time with your young one. They grow up SO fast. Keep an amazing contact list, do some pro bono work, keep your license active and maybe once they start school you can look into moving laterally to a legal job. Challenge yourself in other ways by writing a legal article or starting a blog about your family. I wouldn’t let the guilt creep up too much though, sounds like you’ve got a pretty enviable plan.
Macatty
I work full time for a VERY small law firm, and rarely work more than 40 hours a week. I do mainly real estate and estate planning, so don’t have long or unpredictable hours. It’s not as glamorous as biglaw and it’s not incredibly challenging, but it is very low-stress and flexible!
Angela
DH and I both work in finance, he is a senior exec and I work many pay grades below him, not using my skills or education to its fullest. I have sometimes felt under appreciated and upset with myself that I am not pushing myself to work harder. However we agree that one of us needs to be around as his schedule is crazy. If we both worked like he did, I think we would be divorced and our son would need therapy (We have two kids but he is very sensitive to change). We have often been transferred and I have moved house by myself to a different province, unpacked settled everyone in school, found myself casual or contract work with the company at the new location while he has worked in his new role….anyway my point is, be careful what you wish for, your job sounds manageable and your babe is young, enjoy…you have years ahead of you to change roles
Anon
I’m a part-timer in a busy federal litigation practice. I love it, but the pay is not great. I have a supporting spouse, which makes it work. It gets sticky when I have court appearances and deadlines that encroach upon my family life (or when my spouse travels). I love my practice area and the cases are really interesting to me. I don’t think I’d be able to swing working PT and being available for my family if I didn’t love the work, but that’s me. I also have an amazing boss who also puts family first. At the end of the day, I placed my family over my career and I’m fine with that because my practice is an area that I love. I also have friends who placed big paychecks and dispassionate practices areas over their families. I don’t really understand their choices, but their choices make sense to them, and that’s what matters. :)
Anon
To be clear, the friends I’m thinking of have stated their careers come first. I’m wasn’t trying to suggest that everyone who follows big paychecks prioritize their careers over family.
Amanda Z
As a professional fundraiser, I envy you your law degree. There is a lot of room to advance in development if you have a good understanding of estate & tax law. If you have a solid background in those areas, there are a number of certifications you could get that would compliment your law background, allow you to stay at your place of employment, provide advancement opportunities to something more challenging.
I don’t think an advanced degree is ever wasted, and if you enjoy where you work and the lenient hours it is worth it to look for creative ways to use your degree.
Could you consider sitting on a not-for-profit board? They are always in need of legal advice, it wouldn’t take up too much of your time (depending on the board), and could give you more of a challenge and a way to keep in touch with law practice.
All the best!
preg 3L
Childcare question. I will have a 4-month-old baby girl by the time I start studying for the Bar exam (this summer). I have to figure out what sort of childcare I’ll need during June and July (since I live in a large city with long long waiting lists for daycares). I expect I’ll need more help in July than I will in June, but I’m not sure. I’m taking BarBri and at this point, I’m not really worried about passing (over 90% pass rate at my law school) but I obviously plan to take studying and the exam very seriously. I will also have to find out what sort of pumping accommodations I can get, since I hope to nurse for my baby’s whole first year (we’ll see how that goes). Has anyone done the Bar with a new baby? What was your experience? Would you recommend in-home care (e.g., a nanny) or daycare? Any tips or tricks? Will the baby sleep enough that I can care for her at home and study at the same time? Thanks!
kjoirishlastname
In-home care is certainly more convenient than daycare. You may be able to find a nanny who is flexible with hours that you can do work/study at more odd hours, but I would not at all count on your kiddo sleeping that much once she’s 4 months and up. She’ll still likely have a 1-2 hour morning nap, and a 2-3 hour afternoon nap, but you have to be totally ready to use up those hours once her head hits the mattress if you intend to study only when she’s sleeping at home. That of course doesn’t include time to pump, put away your stuff, freeze your milk & clean up all the meals you and she will be eating.
Even if you had a nanny just to entertain her a bit while she was awake, and to do the light cleaning/prep work while you study, that could be a big time-saver. If you are at home, and you don’t intend for the nanny to do a LOT of intensive childcare, it could also be very cheap–you could conceivably find a community college student, or even a mature high-school student to fill that spot for you.
Maddie Ross
A 1-2 hour nap in the morning and 2-3 in the afternoon? Dude, I want your child! I would definitely, definitely hire a nanny or find childcare that covered a significant portion of your day while studying. For me, the first few weeks I was home I after I had my little one I was able to work a couple hours a day without a problem. By 3 months, it was impossible to even reply to emails because she was so high maintenance and barely slept during the day. Assuming I wanted to shower and eat, I could barely accomplish anything else. And she’s only gotten busier…
mascot
“Will the baby sleep enough that I can care for her at home and study at the same time? ” Safe answer- no. Sure you may have a child that sleeps beautifully and takes two long naps daily. But then again, you may not. I remember trying to work from home several days in a row when my child was 5 months and it was really difficult to concentrate and keep him happy simultaneously. If it were me, I would need at least part-time dedicated child care.
Senior Attorney
And also, my motto when my son was little was “you are only as good as your backup child care.” So even if your baby is normally a good sleeper and you expect to have long periods of time to study, Murphy’s Law dictates that she will get a cold or start teething or something similar at the most inopportune time. At the very, very, VERY least, you will need someone on call.
Anon
Just went through Barbri this summer (the on-line, at-home version), and it was a lot of work. Before it started I kept telling people how excited I was to only have one thing to do – “just” study for the bar, no homework, no internship, etc. Looking back on it, that was so naive! I did well in law school and we also had a 90% pass rate, but there is just so much material you need to cover for the bar, and Barbri (even when you don’t do everything they assign) is massively time consuming. I guess what I am trying to say is, no, don’t think you will be able to take care of a 4-month-old and study at the same time. If your house is small or you think you will have trouble letting a nanny take charge while you are still in the house, get outside daycare.
Pink
Don’t have children (but did experience a long 4 days with a 8 month old recently) but you may save time by having in home nanny and simply removing yourself and laptop to neighborhood location with wifi instead of trying to pack up baby and baby things. Studying does take time!
Lyssa
That might be a good idea. I personally don’t think that I could handle being in the house with a nanny and baby while studying full time – I would be too distracted trying to sneak in breaks to play with the kid. Maybe you can study at the local library or a nearby college? (I’m sure Starbucks would get old pretty quickly.) I second the concerns about baby napping – mine was and still is a pretty good napper, but I still have a really hard time getting much of anything done during the naps, and that’s with a stay at home dad around and not studying full time.
saltylady
I would get a nanny and then plan to study at a library or something. I couldn’t study at home even without a baby. I was told to treat it like a full time job and I did almost– I would go study from like 9 til about 3 or 4. To me, when I was home with a baby, I couldn’t get anything done, let alone studying. I know some people work at home with a baby but I have no idea how. Even easy babies only nap an hour or two a couple times a day, and during that time you’re likely to fall asleep or do chores. And then more difficult babies, like my son, only napped about 20 minutes at a time until he was like 4 months, and neither of my kids would sit in any kind of bouncy seat or other contraption for more than 10 minutes.
SS
I agree with this. I was a nanny during summers in college and the parent was studying for the bar (starting when the baby was around three months old). No matter how quiet I tried to keep him, it was still apparently too distracting, so they ended up studying elsewhere.
Wannabe Runner
Studying works best if you treat it as your job. In other words, get up at 8 and start studying. Take a break for lunch, and keep studying all afternoon.
If it would work better for you to spend the morning or afternoon with your baby and study in the evenings, do that. Just set aside 8 hours a day for studying.
JJ
During the crunch time studying for the July bar, from July 4th to the exam, you’ll be wanting to study at least 8 hours a day. Safely assume that you will not be able to do that, and nurse/pump your baby all day, without childcare. Four and five months are actually a tough age because the baby is old enough not to sleep all day, but they can’t really “self-entertain” yet. Or at least, mine didn’t.
I think a lot of what childcare option you want depends on how you study. I studied at home every day and I’m the type of person that wouldn’t be able to concentrate if the nanny was in my house with my kids, so I would have chosen day care.
ac
To be safe, I would treat bar review as a full time job during July for sure, and at least a 30+ hours a week job during before then. I would try to arrange full time — or close to full-time — care. In my city, in (your) home care is more expensive generally, but it may be hard to get into a daycare center on short notice and on a temporary basis. You could look into a nanny share with another family over the summer, too.
wildkitten
I did the Kaplan videos (BarBri has the same thing) and I really liked it. You can stop and start and work the schedule as you like. That might give you better flexibility for naps and pumping etc, rather than going to a classroom site.
preg 3L
Thanks all! This is so helpful. I think in-home childcare (and removing myself for the day) would be most time-effective, but I’m concerned about being able to pump (and store pumped milk) in, say, my law school library. A nanny share is a great idea, because I’m also (mildly) concerned about the huge influx of germs and illnesses that daycare will bring — because I don’t want to be sick for the Bar exam! But obviously being able to study is far more important than a daycare illness. Sounds like I should plan on full-time childcare for the whole two months.
Anon in NYC
I think if you have an insulated lunch box with an ice pack or two, that you could probably be safe with milk storage on a day-to-day basis. Also, I would just ask your law school administrators if there are places where you can pump during the day (you’ll presumably need this before you start studying for the bar, since you’ll have the baby before the end of the semester). I imagine other students have needed to use such a location, so the law school might have a room.
saltylady
Maybe talk to the law school about arrangements in an empty office or room with a lock on the door, and access to someone’s office fridge. They’ve probably had to do that for at least one employee, and it’s in their interest to have you study for and pass the bar. As for nanny vs. daycare, I was all for the nanny when the kids were babies, then we switched to day care/preschool around age 3. It’s easier, they get sick less, when they do get sick you don’t have to stay home, they get one on one care. Some are more comfortable in a daycare environment where the teachers are monitored more, though, and obviously if your nanny calls in sick you have a problem.
Anne Shirley
In summer your lawschool probably has quite a bit of space available. If you ask closer to the date you may find that they can let you use any empty office/ conf. room space to pump. For storage, is there a fridge anywhere? Lunch room? An opaque bag will work fine.
Anon
Hopefully your law school can help make arrangements on where to pump. You can store the milk in the little cooler bag and ice pack that usually comes with the pump (my Medela pump in style came with an ice pack and cooler bag that fit the bottles well and also fit into the larger bag well) or buy a bag and ice pack.
I studied for the bar with a child but mine was older (7 years old). She still had to go to day camp while I studied/attended the classes for the most part.
Anon
Took the bar when my first was 7 months old; also in NYC; also went to school with a high passage rate. We were able to put him in daycare–I would have class in the morning, swing by for a midday nursing session, then was lucky enough to repair to a physically-close-to-daycare former employer’s unused library for some studying until it was time for kiddo pickup. I then got to do the entire nighttime feeding/bath/bedtime routine, and then put in another hour or two of studying.
This system worked really well for me, and two kids later, I’d say that you definitely need quiet, undistracted time to work through the bar materials. That means no baby for a significant portion of the day. Even being in another room in your apartment will likely be hard; if the baby sees (or smells you, if you’re nursing), s/he will likely be hard to placate. I’d look into a nanny share or even daycare–can’t hurt to search around, there might be summer openings–or even an au pair/college sitter for the summer, so you can then make and have time and space to study. Pumping can be worked into a study schedule and you might even appreciate the break (not that property isn’t thrilling). These days I think (hope) if you were to ask your law school for space they’d find a way to accommodate.
Good luck! This is a temporary obstacle but it’s surmountable and you really want to get the bar thing down the first time.
lawyermomof4
Your timing is fortunate. This is the perfect summer job for a responsible high school student or a college student that is home for the summer. Best of luck!
Anonymous
I (tried to) steam an Ann Taylor suit jacket yesterday, and the part right below the shoulder in the front got really wrinkly – like it had been soaked and wrung out. I am going to try to iron it, but has anyone else had this happen? It’s never happened to other suit jackets I’ve steamed…
Pink
I had it happen to one BR jacket that got soaked in the rain and I couldn’t get it out so I had to ditch it, unfortunately!
ss
Sounds like the steam may have caused your jacket’s interface to buckle (the interface being the backing material in between the front and the lining of your jacket, which usually glued/ bonded to the main fabric with heat). If this is the case, so sorry, I don’t think there’s much you can do to reverse the damage.
Mpls
And that is why my mother hates fusible interfacing (as opposed to the woven, sew-in kind)
And agreed – if that is the case, then short of remaking the jacket, there’s not much to do.
BB
Ugh. I hate fusible, too, but ALL women’s jackets have this stuff – even $2000 ones! :( It’s annoying because if you buy guys’ suits, you can choose to have “canvassed” jackets which are sew-in. The only brand I have found that will do sew-in for women’s stuff is Akris, and that’s way out of my price range.
Mpls
She hates the fact that you can’t even BUY non-fusible interfacing. Like in a store, when you’re making your own clothing.
Hmm….maybe I should hunt some woven stuff down and get it for her for Christmas :)
Seattle Freeze
Mpls, the best source I know of for interfacing (fusible and sew-in), recommended by Ann Steves of gorgeousfabrics.com, is https://www.fashionsewingsupply.com/. Much, much better stuff than you can get at JoAnn and the like.
prof on a bike
Fashion sewing supply is great, and I also recommend Palmer and Pletsch for fusible interfacing that doesn’t suck — I use this all the time and have never had a problem with it. I’ll also pile on with the rant about crappy materials in women’s suit jackets — why is it all fusible crap instead of hair canvas? It’s only only men’s suits that need good tailoring materials!
Mpls
Sweet! Thank you! She doesn’t do much garment sewing (mostly making shirts for her mother – Gma has gotten very particular), but it’s nice to have a stash.
tesyaa
Is the material acetate? AT used to use a lot of that, and it’s one of the worst fabrics out there to care for. Commiseration but no great suggestions!
Holiday tipping question
Hi all, apologies for the threadjack:
I’m preparing for my first holiday season in my new apartment in NYC (Queens). I live in a large building, and have been anxious about how to approach the holiday tipping situation. I thought that the building’s holiday card may give me some clue of who I’m “supposed” to tip — but the staff consists of 5 handymen, 9 doormen, and 19 porters! What is the appropriate way to handle this situation — who do I tip and how much? My husband suggests that we just provide several large gift baskets of cookies for their lounge, but I’m not sure if that’s enough. Any advice would be much appreciated!
posey
You set an amount you want to tip (say, $300) and divide accordingly (I just threw out that number, it should be loosely tied to rent – if your rent is $900/month, then $300 seems excessive, but if it’s $2k a month, $300 seems in line). There are nine doormen, but there’s probably one or two who work the regular shift – 9-5 on weekdays – and they should get more, especially if you get a lot of packages. So maybe $40 for the regular doormen, $20 for the others. But everyone should get something, even if it’s just $5 or $10. These guys depend on these tips for their income, just like you depend on your yearly bonus.
Please don’t give them cookies. How would you feel if your boss, in lieu of a holiday bonus, gave you a basket of fruit?
anon-oh-no
I see no problem with giving them cookies. And if you also want to give them cash, so be it. You are not their boss, so the analogy is not the same. you are their client. their boss is your building owners. if my client gave me a basket of cookies for christmas, i would feel very good about it.
posey
If you were a hairdresser, you might not be so willing to accept this client/boss distinction re: tipping.
I can see your point in theory, but in practice that is just not how it is. It’s one of those things you just have to accept. Like, do you have to tip the person who cuts your hair? No. Could you give that person a box of cookies instead of $20? Sure. But it’s widely accepted that tipping your haircutter is part of the exchange, and if you’re not prepared to tip, you shouldn’t be getting your hair cut. Ditto building staff.
Anon
I agree with your point.
As a former hairdresser, I’ll just say, most hairdressers I know would be more than happy to get wine or good treats in addition to their normal tip at xmastime, instead of a special “bigger” xmas tip.
We work REALLY long hours this time of year (when we’re doing your hair for all of your holiday parties at 8pm, guess what WE aren’t doing? Going to holiday parties…) so some wine and treats was ALWAYS appreciated. I think hairdressers make more money than people think they do, anyway. ;)
marketingchic
I think most of the readers of this blog are not in the same income bracket as those porters. They may depend on those holiday tips.
Anne Shirley
My building is similarly staffed, and I do $10 a person plus a bit extra for the 2 doormen I see the most.
AIMS
Tipping isn’t mandatory, but the idea is that you are supposed to tip everyone on the xmas card list. I know. But that’s what happens when you live in a large building that needs lots of staff to keep it running.
Of course who you tip and what you tip is up to you. You can tip just the people you interact with or who have been extra helpful. But I would give everyone something and include it with a nice card that thanks them for all they do. It doesn’t have to be a lot (though it will add up). You could do $10 for everyone or maybe more for those who do more for you. We usually do $50 for the super, $30 for the handymen, and $20 for the porters (we have a large building but not DM). There’s no right amount.
Kanye East
Agree with posey and AIMS.
And this is less of a concern in larger buildings, but I have it on good authority–Mr. East worked as a doorman on the UES in college–that your doormen are definitely keeping track of who gives, and how much. If that matters to you.
Anon in NYC
+1. DH and I give $20/pp, maybe a little extra to the valet service (since she does so much for us), and maybe a little extra to our favorite doormen. For us it works out to around $400 (maybe a little more).
Lila Fowler
Don’t do cookies. Cash is expected. Check Time Out New York but this is a recent NYC tipping guide:
http://www.brickunderground.com/blog/2013/11/brickundergrounds_2013_holiday_tipping_guide
Gail the Goldfish
Ask your neighbors what people in the building usually do. Alternatively, find out if your building has a policy on this. I used to live in a large building in Queens and the staff wasn’t even supposed to accept christmas tips (though I’m sure some did).
Lady Tetra
In my old building, staff was not supposed to accept tips at all, but I gave cookies.
Wannabe Runner
I live in a rural area and have never lived in a building like this. What’s a “porter”?
Shopaholic
Anyone have any recommendations for stylish gloves that you can use with your smartphone? I’m having a hard time finding reliable recommendations for gloves that will actually work with your touch screen.
TIA!
wildkitten
Define “stylish”… lots and lots of gloves work with smartphones now.
A Nonny Moose
Do not have these but just added them to my Christmas wishlist. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/fownes-brothers-basic-tech-cashmere-lined-leather-gloves-nordstrom-exclusive/3650519?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=900&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_2_A
pilates princess
I have a pair I bought from Echo Design last year, which I love. I’d like to get another pair, but they aren’t cheap.
Jules
I just bought a pair of Portolano gloves with bows on the wrist and the conductive material on thumbs and forefingers from Saks Fashion Fix. (Thanks to the poster who alertedus to the big sale there a couple of weeks ago!) I haven’t worn them yet, but they look nice. Not super heavy duty.
http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446639590&R=438278688055&P_name=Portolano&N=1553+306590251&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306590251&bmUID=ka_kP.x
Anonymous
I posted this question during the Thanksgiving weekend thread and I received some wonderful and heart-mending responses. I am vacillating between feeling better and pretty much shaking with fury and disgust. So, I am re-posting my original post in hopes someone else will have any thoughts for me.
Do any of you have any experience/stories about not ending a relationship after cheating has occurred? I am not looking for the “I’ll-leave-immediately-bright-line” types of responses, because that makes sense to me and I am pretty much right there, too. I have been dating for 10-11 years and I have never had something like this happen to me. I am an “optimistic” or “trusting” person (not naive or an to the point of idiocy, though) and – funny – never even considered that something like this might happen to me. But just please consider this situation: together for 5 years and pretty much very happy. Never would have asked for anything different, felt loved, respected, intellectually satisfied and constantly happy/nicely humorous. Some time ago, we went through a long distance period where I promised I would follow and move, but I basically dawdled and finally moved 9-10 months after I was going to (depression? maybe. anticipating reply questions, it was not because I felt doubts or anything like that). Anyway, fast forward and life is going along really nicely – very happy. Then, out of nowhere: boom. He had sex with someone else during the long distance time. It was “killing him and he couldn’t stand living with it and etc.” I swear, I though he was joking. Seriously, never in a million years would have I believed he would do something like that. Mostly in shock, I then asked a million questions because for some reason I wanted to know everything. He cried and sobbed and answered them all and repeatedly stated that he was so ashamed, never thought of himself as someone who’d do something so immoral, it was a horrible mistake, it was emotionless (like that’s make me feel any better), he thought I was checked out and never coming (he takes full responsibility, this was only when I prodded about the why and how could he do something like that), and we talked in this way for a long time.
Well. I am out now, of course. It’s just so shocking to go so suddenly from a normal, happy life to something like this. I am hurt and furious. It’s just weird how pathetic and sad this whole situation is. I know he loves me and feels genuine shame and remorse and, weirdly, I don’t even feel disrespected, just a broken trust and very furious. I feel pathetic that thoughts keep coming to me about how this may not be worth me ending something that straight-up made me fulfilled and happy for years. But, then again, cheating is pretty much the worst thing a partner can do to the other, right?
Can anyone offer any thoughts, please? Thanks so much.
anon for this
I cheated on my boyfriend about 6 years ago, with a few (3?) different people over a 6 month period. We were dating for about 4 years at that time and lived together. We were going through a really rough patch where he was working 90-100 hrs a week. Not trying to excuse my behavior – for which there is no excuse – but just trying to put it in context. He found out about one of the guys and we split for about a month but then got back together, and we’ve been happily married for five years (like, really happy. Couldn’t ask for a better marriage). I haven’t cheated since, and I haven’t even thought about doing it again (whereas beforehand I thought about it a lot – there are probably some deep-seated emotional issues going on here).
So, cheating does not always have to equal breaking up, and the adage of once a cheater, always a cheater is not true.
Anon for obvs
Wow, I’m so glad someone said this. I cheated on my husband of six years earlier this year and eventually had to tell him because my paramour attempted to blackmail me (I live in a Jerry Springer episode, apparently). He was shocked and hurt and devastated when I confessed, and I told him that I wanted to remain married but that I would do whatever HE wanted without a fight. I felt like I’d made my bed and that it was time to lie in it.
He thought about it for a while and eventually told me that he loves me and wanted to stay with me. I can honestly say that, for me, our marriage has never been better. I was faced with the very real possibility of losing my husband over an incredibly stupid decision. And once I was faced with that possibility, I felt like it matured me very rapidly.
I regret doing it, of course. If I could go back and make a different decision, I would. And if he’d wanted a divorce, I would have given it to him without a peep. But I’m glad we stayed married and worked through it; I’m glad we’re still married; and I am glad we’re still in love.
Anon for obvs
Also (and sorry for two comments), I disagree that cheating is the worst thing a partner can do to another. I think this probably varies with your own particular mental issues, but I’d much rather be with someone who cheated than someone who gambled our money away or lost our house.
Blonde Lawyer
I haven’t been in your shoes but I play all sort of “what-if” games in my head and I can say in your shoes, I would probably stay.
In my “what-if” games, it wouldn’t be worth ruining something so great over a stupid mistake that occurred in the past, won’t be happening again, and that my SO was truly broken up about. Part of me would be pissed that he told me just to assuage his own guilt but the other part of me would be glad that there would be no more large secrets looming over our relationship.
I see no shame in trying to forgive and move on with your relationship if you can.
Ginjury
I agree. It’s unfortunate that your SO decided to tell you since it only moved the burden from him to you, but I don’t think you should force yourself to end the relationship just because you feel like you’re supposed to.
Anon
I saw this post on the other thread, but didn’t get a chance to respond. I think you should try to decide what feels right to you as if you’ve never heard anyone else say “cheating’s a dealbreaker” or something like that. I think the best relationships can survive almost any challenge – if you decide you want to try that, don’t worry about what others have said about cheating being the worst thing. It is a violation of trust, of course, but trust can be violated in many ways and repaired in many ways as well. Only you can know what’s right for your situation and if you will be able to trust your partner again. It’s also no one else’s businesses – just yours.
Anon
Also, just to add to my own comment, I’ve been in a relationship for six years that has been similarly smooth sailing in every way. If I found out my boyfriend cheated on me and was remorseful in the same way as yours, I can’t say what I would do for sure, but getting back together would definitely not be off the table. In fact, I’d have to say now (with an outsider’s view) that I would even be leaning towards staying together versus breaking up.
Anonymous
Putting myself in your shoes and subbing in my husband for your partner, I don’t think I’d leave in this situation. I would probably do couple’s counseling for a little bit to just get everything fully out in the open and come up with a plan for how to move past it, and some individual therapy to make sure I could forgive him (because staying and silently feeling resentment forever would not be an appealing option for me). I don’t believe the saying that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think cheating happens for a variety of reasons. I don’t necessarily think it means the relationship is irretrievably broken.
Anonymous
I have no suggestions as to whether you should stay or should go, but I will say that if you do decide to stay, you also have to decide that you trust him completely and let that be the end of it. The relationship will not survive, and your sanity will not remain intact if you stay but continue to doubt, etc. You will be driven to snoop and question his every move. If you do stay, it has to be under the premise that you are staying because you believe this was a one time thing and that you trust him going forward. There’s nothing worse than feeling suspicious all the time in a relationship.
cheating anon from above
Yes, absolutely. This really helped with my relationship. There was a period when my boyfriend looked through all my things (which I was glad to let him do) but at the end of the day, he didn’t *want* to read my emails or check my phone – he wanted to trust me, so (eventually) he did.
The other, related thing is that you cannot lord it over him that he cheated. You can for a little bit, but eventually you really are going to have to forgive him and move on, and not bring it up every time you have a fight or every time you want him to do something for you.
I also wanted to add one final perspective – I am absolutely horrified, ashamed and embarrassed that I cheated on my husband. I have told like two people in my life that I’d done it. When I think about it (which is a lot) I feel really, really badly, and there’s nothing that will assuage my guilt, ever. I’m not trying to get sympathy, just want you to understand that your SO probably does feel terrible and guilty and will for a long, long time (as he should).
Anon for obvs
Heh. I feel like you’re me. My husband did not go through my things, though I offered him the opportunity. He has never lorded it over me. But the guilt, shame, and regret that I feel about cheating on him virtually guarantees that I will never do it again.
TBK
I’ve never been in your position, and I realize you can’t really know what you would do until you’re there, but (and take this with a huge grain of salt because, as I said, I’ve never been there) I really couldn’t imagine leaving my husband over a one time “just s3x” mistake when he felt awful about it, was remorseful, and when I had created a situation that made him feel shaky about the relationship. (I realize you didn’t delay moving because you had doubts about the relationship, but in his position, I could see feeling like a 9-10 month delay meant that you weren’t nearly as committed as he was. This doesn’t excuse his response. It was a poor way to handle his feelings, but I see it as an excusable frailty and not a real character flaw.) As for the emotionless part of it, I think all people respond to this differently. For you, it makes it less excusable. For me, I think that would make me feel much more secure in the relationship. I’ve often told my husband that if he had a one-off physical thing with someone I’m pretty sure we’d get past it. I’d much prefer that to an emotional attachment that didn’t include s3x.
I think you need to do whatever you feel you need to do. If you don’t feel like you could ever feel secure in the relationship again, then breaking up is the only fair thing for both of you. If you feel like you wouldn’t respect yourself if you stayed, then you need to break up. But since everything else about the relationship seems to be so good, and because it sounds like there were things going on that made him more likely to be tempted (as opposed to cheating out of the blue when the relationship was 100% smooth sailing), and because he sounds truly remorseful, I think in your situation, I would seek counseling to see if this was something that could be fixed. I’m sorry. It’s a terrible situation and clearly has hurt you deeply.
anon for this
I feel similarly. Having done a long-distance stretch, I can definitely see how cheating can happen in that context. I was always expecting it, in part because my SO and I both have an apparently high need for physical closeness. (I was very surprised to read an article today on a study that said around 15% of men and 30% of women aren’t interested in s*x at all). I’m honestly not sure I could do long-distance again, even after 11 years with the same SO. Someone told me once that you need eight instances of positive physical contact daily–maybe it’s a stat drawn out of thin air, but it feels true enough to me.
That’s not to excuse cheating, or the hiding of it. I just think cheating in that context is for me very different from when you’re actually, e.g., living together.
I’m erasing what I originally wrote in order to rephrase. During the time my SO and I were apart, and also during the time he was a consultant (and therefore only home on weekends), the few times that it felt to me like coming home was not a priority, I was emotionally a lot more devastated than I admitted. Whatever the reason (in your case, you say depression–did you talk about that at the time?), it felt like a harbinger of doom, every time. And I’m not really a very emotionally sensitive person, normally. It’s just that being apart can make everything feel like the emotional equivalent of that meme with the puppy who shreds everything because they thought you were never coming home.
I’m very sorry this is happening and I hope you can work through it so that you feel better.
L in DC
Agree with this.
anon
I recognize that I may be alone in my opinion. But, to be straightforward–no, I don’t think having s*x with someone else is remotely even the “worst” thing a partner can do to another. And no, I don’t think you should end the relationship. Here’s why:
Cheating is an act that disregards the feelings of your partner when you are faced with overwhelming desire or temptation. So, to say that one instance of cheating means that the relationship is over is essentially to say that one instance in which your partner puts his needs before your own means that the relationship should be over. And yet, most people wouldn’t end an otherwise happy relationship in which someone who is unselfish 99% of the time, just because at one moment in time, he put his needs before yours. Think about it–would you end a relationship because of that one time that you were having a bad week and really wanted to spend time together but he went out with his friends instead? Probably not — especially if the behavior was uncharacteristic, and he apologized and never did it again. Which leads to the question — why do we consider cheating so much worse?
My theory is that it is because of our societal attitudes about s*x. We live in a society that has a very adolescent attitude toward s*x–it’s confusing, mysterious, shameful, and glorified simultaneously. To deal with these confusions, we have a lot of arbitrary rules: no s*x before marriage, no s*x on the first date, no s*x between two men or two women. We have rules about what types of s*x is ok and not ok, and how many people it is ok to have s*x with before it becomes “too many,” and we feel uncomfortable discussing s*x with those closest to us. And we also believe, as a society, that a single instance of s*xual infidelity (even though there are other kinds of infidelity!) means that a relationship is broken, and that you have been irrevocably wronged, and that the relationship should be terminated. Because that’s how we think about s*x in our society: in very black and white terms.
Yes, your partner did something that you trusted him not to do, and you feel betrayed. And if you truly feel that you can not be happy in this relationship again because of it, then you should end it. But please–don’t end something that makes you happy and fulfilled just because you think you are *supposed* to. From everything you have said, he is otherwise a wonderful partner who makes you happy. I don’t think this changes that–it just means he is human, and made a mistake.
Some people might believe he was wrong or selfish to have told you. I don’t agree. I think honesty is always better, and only with honesty can you move forward.
Good luck, you’ll get through this.
Anonymous
Can we just stop with the cheating is a mistake? Cheating is not a mistake. You know its wrong, but you do it anyway. You know its a violation, but you do it anyway. A mistake is when you grab the wrong wine at the store because you weren’t paying attention. I am also on the camp of one cheat doesn’t mean you “have” to leave him or should leave him, but I think you both need to go to counseling and talk about what it means. “Just sex” is never just sex, its an honesty problem, a communication problem, and a trust problem. The betrayal with cheating actually has very little to do with the actual sex.
Anonymous
I think that sometimes your frame of mind can get so terribly broken down and skewed that you do have sex with someone as a proxy for escape or self-destruction or whatever. If you can’t understand how this would happen, you are lucky. Basically, kind of like suddenly going out and shooting up a choice of a drug or, speaking from personal experience, buying $50 worth of food, eating it all and then throwing it up. Terrible idea and hurting yourself to escape whatever. :(
Anonymous
I know I would never rob a bank. I know I would never cheat. Don’t try to make the lines gray. People know its wrong but justify it and rationalize it.
Anonymous
(Same person.)
I agree with you. It’s wrong. 100% wrong wrong. That is not in dispute – it’s awful and inexcusable. What I am saying is that there is, however, a difference between 1) doing so once for selfishly pain-escaping reasons and regretting it immediately or even during it [I would never do it again, ever] and 2) having an emotionally-invested affair proclaiming love to more than one person or continually looking for sex wherever you can find it. They are both wrong, but the context makes one of these people far worse than the other.
Do you see the difference?
LilyB
I respectfully disagree with equating cheating with other kinds of selfish behavior. For me, it’s different because to some extent sex is an expression of love for me. Yes, people fantasize about sex with other people for purely physical reasons. But to me sex outside the marriage/relationship is a whole lot worse than other one-off types of selfish behavior because it changes sex within the relationship going forward. I would not be able to feel the same way about my partner while being intimate (or otherwise) knowing that.
Anon
I have made clear to my husband that if he ever cheated on me I would leave him right away, no questions asked. Except I am pretty sure that I wouldn’t if it was a one time mistake that he felt badly about. I don’t think something like that is always worth throwing away an otherwise great relationship. People make mistakes. I would try counseling together to work through this if you think that you might want to stay.
anon too
exactly the same here – I’ve always said ‘don’t cheat or I’ll walk’ but in reality, I don’t think at would, if only because if it ever gets to that, it probably won’t all be his ‘fault’
Wannabe Runner
And this is fine if it’s your personal policy. But it doesn’t have to be everyone’s personal policy.
My life isn’t so black and white.
OP
Thank you SO MUCH, ladies.
I have been, unfortunately, partially enjoying making him cry and cry and watch me pack and call about other jobs in other cities. I never thought I was capable of saying the most horrific insults to him and then keeping them coming. He made a therapist appointment, which is something I am really looking forward to. It’s still a little surreal, as no one close to me had ever dealt with this and I never thought it would happen. Once again, thank you.
Senior Attorney
I don’t have anything to add to what I posted on your original thread, but I want to offer hugs and tea and sympathy!
Senior Attorney
And wine!
Senior Attorney
And chocolate!
Susedna
Everyone’s tolerance is different. I would look at the cheating on your SO’s part as “failure to handle conflict or difficult problems like an adult.” The s*x angle is a red herring. But the failure to handle conflict/grievance (that you dawdled in moving) is the red flag, and, IMO, a bigger problem for any relationship.
Is he willing to do some work – as in join you in therapy? I second the others who say you should have some individual therapy to process the trauma with this discovery. If he’s unwilling to work on the handling conflict appropriately and show (not tell) going forward that he’s making process, then I would leave this relationship.
Not because he cheated, but because his cheating revealed an unsolved problem that will haunt you both if you continue, without solving it. Relationships are a whole series of decisions made together and there will be conflict. If a partner can’t handle conflict well, regardless of how it manifests (tantrums, runaway spending, cheating, sulking and shutting down), it’s not a healthy relationship.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My SO cheated on me after about a year. Or I found out about it then, from the girl who found out he had a girlfriend. She contacted me on facebook. Classy. Anyways, I decided when it happened I wasn’t going to break up with him that day because I needed time to gather my thoughts. I, like you, wanted to know everything. I cried and cried cause I never thought he would be the type to cheat. I tried to figure out the motivation (we were long-distance at the time) like maybe he didn’t want a girlfriend or he wasn’t happy with me or whatever. What you have to understand is that this is NOT your fault. It’s a choice he made. Anyways, we ended up staying together because I WAS really happy. It took about a year for me to “get over it”. Of course we had many fights and he apologized over and over again. At one point he told me that I had to trust him or we had to break up, cause it wasn’t going to work if we kept arguing over it long-term. Now we’ve been together for 4 yrs and we’re recently engaged. The cheating thing barely crosses my mind and I actually don’t think it’s the *worst* thing you can do to a partner. What’s worse? Not contributing to the relationship or the household. Long-term shutting someone out of your life. Emotional affairs and long-term affairs. Being horrible to your children. It’s up to you whether you can move forward, but a lot of people do.
Anon.
This exact situation happened to me. I found out he had been with someone else, who of course considered me “the other woman”. I had no idea. He told me the other woman knew about me. She didn’t know and blamed me. We had been together 9 months and were (supposedly) exclusive. I was devastated. It took me about a year to get over it as well and a long time to trust men after that. I then met and married an amazing man who I trust completely.
Trust is soooo important. If you can get over it, that is great. I know the prior guy I was with that cheated said that he would do it again. I think in that circumstance you know it won’t work. I never saw him again after the morning I found out about the other woman, a fact that I am pretty proud of.:)
Yugo18
In these circumstances, I agree, it seems almost immediately that a quick kick in the behind is the way to go. :( I guess emotional involvement versus just an act of sex is where there is a line.
Circadian Screwup
Ayup. The guy who was two-timing over a period of time needed to keep up a steady buildup of lies over and over again. The fundamental dishonesty and greed in that is very offputting. A guy like that deserves to get dumped via text, or via Facebook and never thought of again, otherwise, it’s a waste of good brain cells!
Anonymous
This is a late response, but here’s my perspective. Something similar happened to me, and along with all the hurt, I just felt very humiliated. It was a situation where my friends knew about it before I did, so that added another dimension. I was worried about what my friends would think if I stayed in the relationship. Would they lose respect for me? And for a while, I felt I lost a little self-respect for wanting to stay. At one point, I was talking to someone about it, and I realized I was hoping for someone to give me permission to stay in what I thought otherwise was a good relationship. At the end, I realized no one was going to give me that permission, and the only right answer is the answer I could live with. That being said, it was still the HARDEST decision I have EVER made to stay in the relationship. I never thought I would be that kind of woman. It’s been a few years now, and I’m glad I stayed. But the decision was really hard. I chalk it up to growing more mature, learning that life is not black and white, and people you love can be very flawed.
Yugo18
Same thing happened with my friend. And, honestly, those who would judge are not those whose opinions matter and they are not really friends. Hugs.
kjoirishlastname
This is just a curiosity…and not to sound all creeperish or anything, but I’m just beginning to appreciate a different work “uniform” than jeans or khakis & a nice top. Don’t get me wrong, I still do like to wear that (and can!), but sometimes, it is nice to mix it up a bit.
What do you do (generally)? What’s the office environment like? (Now for the creeper question…) What are you wearing today? Is this typical?
I work in local government planning/engineering. My office is super casual. Field inspectors wear muddy jeans & work boots. Office personnel (myself included) pretty much run the gamut: jeans & organization polos, to dresses. None of the men wear ties, but oddly enough despite our STEM-careers, there are more women than men.
Today I am wearing a tan/camel colored v-neck cardi over a brown drape neck top, belted over a navy blue wool a-line skirt; navy tights & brown riding boots. This is atypical. I usually wear jeans, but put together with stylish pieces & reasonable accessories. I wear dress pants or skirts about once a week, but sometimes there are weeks that go by with just jeans! Today we have a standing meeting with some developers, and they always wear suits, or at least ties. I do try to dress up when I have meetings, especially if it’s with developers or other community folks who are generally well-connected in my field.
Anonymous
Casual office where nearly anything goes. Today I’m wearing maroon ankle pants with black tory burch revas, grey tippi sweater from J Crew, long gold necklace.
Woods-comma-Elle
Big law associate, business casual office, wearing navy and white diagonal striped a-line skirt, fuschia buttoned v-neck shirt (skirt and top both satiny), navy cotton longish cardigan, grey court shoes. It is typical, I rarely wear suits, but we don’t have casual Friday either. Last week I had a ‘serious’ meeting and I really struggled to find something approprite in my wardrobe.
SS
My office tends towards casual, and I often work remotely, so there isn’t a huge amount of motivation to dress up at all. I feel better when I do, though, so I’ve been trying to be more thoughtful about what I wear (as in: not wearing hoodies and converse, which is pretty common, I suppose, for tech companies).
Today I am wearing navy trousers (J. Crew cafe trouser), an olive long-sleeve t-shirt, and some sort of complicated gray sweater-jacket I was persuaded into at Neiman Marcus. Also, the inevitable converse.
Miss Behaved
I’m in a casual, anything goes (except shorts) office, too. Usually, I’m the best-dressed one, but I’m suffering from an allergic reaction (itching!) and trying to find clothes that are as soft as possible. Since I can’t quite wear pajama pants or yoga pants, I’m wearing gray cords with a gray long sleeved tee and a red cashmere short sleeved sweater over it. I’m also wearing black clogs and I’m feeling pretty put together for someone who is in a great amount of discomfort.
I can’t tell you how horrifying the thought of tights is right now. I haven’t worn pants to work since sometime in October, but I can’t conceive of it right now.
Miss Behaved
*can’t conceive of anything else* right now
Miz Swizz
Business casual higher ed office, though we tend more casual than business. I look very young and was recently promoted so I’ve made a conscious effort to step up my outfits.
Today I’m wearing a 3/4 sleeve, tie-neck berry colored blouse, black pencil skirt, black and grey houndstooth tights and black boots.
tesyaa
Business casual. I personally only wear skirts. Today I’m wearing a cream and tan cowlneck sweater and a brown pencil skirt. I’m wearing ballet flats but I’m actually going out to look for some brown wedges, since I realize I “need” them. This outfit is atypical for me only because I wear black/gray as my base color more commonly than brown, but sometimes I don’t want to wear black 5 days a week.
Taylor
I wear black 5x/week :) People in my office make fun of me all the time but I don’t care! I think it’s sleek and chic and I am a native NYer.
I work in a casual office so currently wearing black jeans, a black tee and faux fur vest. It’s pretty “warm” (for December) in NYC today.
Nonny
Business casual smallish law firm. I prefer to wear only skirts or dresses, plus at the moment I am extremely pregnant. Currently wearing wine-coloured wrap dress, black tights and black booties, with gold jewellery.
However, in my alternate universe where I’m no longer pregnant, today I’m wearing my favourite black Elie Tahari sheath dress, turquoise statement necklace, and mustard-coloured cropped cardigan. Can you tell I’m getting tired of maternity wear?
I think this “level” of dress is pretty typical for business casual in my PNW city. If I were meeting with a client who tended to dress up (some of them just don’t), I would simply add a blazer.
Anonymous
Similarly in a STEM but mostly female office, anything goes (suits to jeans depending on what people have on their calendar for the day). Today I’m in nude flats, skinny jeans, a green bum-covering fitted tee, statement necklace, and an open cardigan. Other outfits this week include: cords with cashemere sweater and loafers; blue shift dress with black tights and boots, black cardigan, multi-colored scarf, and contrast color belt.
Orangerie
Investment management firm, institutional clients. Business formal (men don’t wear full suits daily, but always trousers & ties).
Today I’m wearing the J.Crew Emmaleigh dress in black, with a plum peplum jacket in a suiting fabric and black pumps. Pearl necklace, watch, studs, one ring. This is pretty typical for me; I feel most put together in a sheath dress and a blazer or jacket. My prior firm was a bit more casual and so I used to wear more colorful/printed pencil skirts with shells and cardigans. Most of those pieces are now just collecting dust in my closet.
Seattle Freeze
Small private PNW gov’t contractor, business casual office where jeans and fleece are worn daily (though usually not by me) – most of us are non-client facing, so veer more casual than business.
Today I’m in oxblood ponte leggings, charcoal/black/cream striped long tank, oatmeal wool hand-knit cabled sweater (http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/nantucket-jacket, though I knit mine with long flared sleeves), tall brown boots, and a burgundy/tan/leopard voile ininity scarf. I’d call this a typical winter outfit for me – I wear cords/jeans/leggings & boots with lots of wool when it’s cold, and wear dresses and skirts more in the spring/summer/fall.
Calibrachoa
Business casual, with the dress code on paper emphasizing business but in practice casual. Jeans ok, no big logos, that sort of a thing. Generally there’s a lot of jeans+nice shirts around, and even the site executive who’s my boss’s boss’s boss never wears a tie unless we’ve got customers on premises. Full suits are a rarity and start getting worn around 3, 4 paygrades above me.
I put zero effort in this morning because I am still torn up from the SPN midseason finale, so I’m wearing black docs, black jeans, a black belt, a black long-sleeve t-shirt with circular designs on the sleeves under a black and white striped sleeveless top, and a black & white skull print scarf.
ANP
Business-y dress at my office (Midwest); I work in secondary ed as an administrator. Today I’m wearing cream colored 3/4 sleeve sweater from J. Crew, bright coral ankle pants from Lands’ End and pointy copper flats from Target. The weather here is disgusting — cold, wet and foggy — so the ankle pants, while not particularly in-season, were my way of trying to fight the gray day.
This is fairly typical of what I’d wear — probably trends a bit casual, but I didn’t have any meetings today.
kjoirishlastname
Thank you for all your replies! So varied, and definitely gives me more ideas. Y’all rock.
Parfait
SoCal casual tech office. Jersey wrap dress with 3/4 sleeves, cozy fleece-lined tights, and mary janes.
Amanda Z
Business casual not-for-profit healthcare facility. Obviously healthcare staff are in scrubs. Management men typically wear ties, no jackets – women really run the gamut. About the only thing “out” is jeans and t-shirts.
I’m in a v-neck ribbed sweater with black slacks and flats. This is a little more casual than normal for me – but I don’t have any appointments with donors today and I’m working on a remodel project so i needed to be more on the casual side. Typical dress would be a blouse and cardigan with slacks and heels. On my dressy days I’ll wear a pencil skirt. Jackets only when I have professional luncheons or I’m meeting with professional advisors.
TBK
Well, ladies, worse news this week. I went to the hospital on Sunday with some pain and found out I was 1 cm dilated at just 22 weeks. I’m now in the hospital on bed rest until these guys are born. If all goes well, that means 3 months living in a hospital room. We’re trying not to think about what it would look like if all did not go well, but these next six weeks are going to be excruciating (2 weeks until minimal viability; about 4 weeks after that until the risk of mortality plummets and the risk of severe life-long disabilities starts to decline). All holiday plans are totally out the window. If we can just make it to mid-January, though, we’ll be (relatively) happy campers. Then we’ll start focusing on making it until mid-February or maybe even March!
That said, I’m grateful for several things: (1) my husband. Seriously. I knew I had a good guy all along, but you never know how good someone is until they’re tested. He’s been amazing. Sleeping on the couch in my room the first night. Bringing me food so I don’t have to rely on hospital food. Keeping the house running. Bringing me things from home or from Target that I need. And then telling me he thinks I’m incredibly hot, which is amazing because no one feels hot when she’s pregnant with twins, lying in a hospital bed wearing compression socks. (2) my MIL and my mom. My mom is arriving from Boston today and she and my MIL are determined to cozy up my room and add Christmasy touches. Meanwhile, MIL has been a rock for my husband (who, while he’s being amazing, is seriously, seriously freaked out). (3) that we live near a major city with top notch medical care. I’m in a hospital with a IIIb NICU and a IV NICU just a couple of miles away. I feel like whatever medical technology or knowledge that exists in the world that could help my babies, I have access to pretty much all of it, which is amazing and something I know most women in the world simply don’t have. (4) my laptop and wifi. Seriously, if this were 15 years ago, I think I’d go out of my skull. But it looks like I can shortly go back to work full time (via telework) and I have access to you guys, Netflix, MOOCs, CLEs, email, Skype, etc. (5) my friends, who are visiting (or visiting virtually if they live far away), bringing snacks (real French macarons!), and hooking me up with friends of theirs who have been through the same damn thing (and all have healthy, happy twin toddlers now).
Anyway, hopefully I’ll have no more updates until spring, or at least late winter. As my doctor says, a boring day for me is a good day. We don’t want any excitement until these guys are actually ready to come out into the world.
JJ
I’ve been thinking about you, TBK. Good luck!
Anonymous
Just to let you know I’ve been thinking of you and I know everyone around these parts appreciates the updates. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I love that you are focusing on the positives of the situation as much as you can.
I would also say not to put too much pressure on yourself to work if you don’t absolutely have to (not sure what options are available to you through short term disability or FMLA, etc.). Some people like work to distract them, but others would prefer to not have the stress of thinking about it.
Best of luck to you, and hopefully there are no major updates for a long time.
TBK
I wish I could not work, or at least cut back my hours. But my firm has no short term disability and maternity leave is entirely unpaid. Since I earn about 70% of our income, me not working is simply not an option. (I totally support the idea of the breadwinner wife, but it also totally s*cks sometimes.)
Anonymous
Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but on the bright side, it is a distraction and I’m sure will make the days and weeks go by faster.
preg anon
Goodness. I’m so sorry to hear that but so happy you have things to be grateful for and are willing to be grateful even in your circumstances. Prayers for you all!
Gigi
TBK, I’m so sorry to hear this! It sounds like you are in excellent hands. Your husband, mom and MIL all sound amazing. I’m 28 weeks along and can imagine your range of emotions. I hope the next 6 weeks go by as fast as they can. A friend of mine also went through the same thing – bed rest at about 20 weeks I think – when she was pregnant with her twins. They are smart, active, gorgeous 5 year olds now. So hang in there!!
I think you are in the DC area, right? Let us know if you need anything from DC-based ‘rettes. We can bring food, holiday treats, give your hubby a break, whatever you need!
A Nonny Moose
+1 on the offer for anything DC that fellow area readers can help out on. Seriously.
DC Wonkette
+2!
wildkitten
DC R3tt3 meet-up at TBK’s hospital room?
L
+3!
BMBG
+3!!! Wishing you only the best …
CapHillAnon
and +4!
Anonymous
and +4!
ss
Oh no ! So sorry to hear this.
I can add my 2 cents about knowing a couple of ladies who spent months of their pregnancies on bed-rest and for whom things worked out fine, healthy babies, one of whom is now in college. Not that the wait and the anxiety are not big things in themselves, of course. Will be thinking of you and the babies over the next few weeks.
SV in House
TBK, you have a huge community on thissite pulling for you and your family. I’ll hold you in my thoughts and prayers.
Gigi
Sorry if this posts twice – I am stuck in moderation.
TBK, I’m so sorry to hear this! It sounds like you are in excellent hands. Your husband, mom and MIL all sound amazing. I’m 28 weeks along and can imagine your range of emotions. I hope the next 6 weeks go by as fast as they can. A friend of mine also went through the same thing – bed rest at about 20 weeks I think – when she was pregnant with her twins. They are smart, active, gorgeous 5 year olds now. So hang in there!!
I think you are in the DC area, right? Let us know if you need anything from DC-based ladies on here. We can bring food, holiday treats, give your hubby a break, whatever you need!
January
I’ve been worrying about you this week. Hope it stays “no news is good news” for a good long while. I’m glad you have a great support system around you.
AEK
Wow, what an intense scenario. I really admire you facing it with positivity. Of course if you need to freak out, you can do that here. Hoping for the best possible outcome for all you.
And, on a lighter note, please pass on all your recommendations for worthwhile binge-watching!
preg 3L
Hugs TBK! Your gratitude list made me tear up — I’m so glad you have such great people supporting you.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s so scary, but I’m glad you have a great support network. Also — I’m the person who posted last week that I’m going through this with my twins. I was also dilated 1-2 cm from 23 weeks onward (or maybe earlier, but it wasn’t checked earlier). And I’m still pregnant ten weeks later, so it does happen. I’ve also worked through bed rest and found it helpful for maintaining sanity.
TBK
Congrats on being at 33 weeks! You must feel so relieved. I think they plan to release me if I get to 34 weeks because anything from then on has a very high chance of turning out 100% okay. Here’s to hoping your babies have a 2014 birthdate!
NOLA
Hugs to you, TBK! We’re all with you, even from afar. I was just wishing there was more we could do!
Anon
Good luck with this – I know it’s not great news or what you wanted to hear, but I hope everything goes smoothly. It sounds like you’re in great hands and in a few years, you’ll all look back on this time and be grateful for your strong family.
Otter
Good luck TBK! Rooting for you & the twins.
KLG
Ack! Fingers crossed for your guys! Glad you have some good family support to help through this difficult time.
Equity's Darling
Oh no! I’m sending good vibes that the babies get comfy and stay put for another few months.
In House Counsel
Sending lots and lots of positive vibes for you and the babies
SS
Sending the very best thoughts your way!
It sounds like your family is great–it’ll be nice to have your room decorated. I had a two-week stint in the hospital a few months ago, and the flowers really made it seem cozier and less antiseptic. Cute slippers, a teddy bear to squeeze during tests, and a soft throw blanket made me feel a lot better, too.
I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
Seattleite
Thinking about you and pulling HARD for you and your little family.
Famouscait
Best wishes to you TBK! Thinking of you and hope everyone stays healthy. Thanks for the update and please continue to check in.
Blonde Lawyer
Hey TBK – sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. My bff is a NICU OT and generally all around amazing person. If you want to email with someone who knows all the medical lingo but can talk feelings and emotions too (I hear the doctors are more clinical at times), I’m sure she would be happy to be your penpal. You can email me at projectmundaneart@gmail.com and I’ll put you two in contact. She lives in a tourist area and has had moms get hospitalized on their babymoon. I’m glad you are home!
As far as having to work goes, it might keep you sane. I recently had a very minor surgery but had to stay reclined/horizontal for a few days. I planned to take a day or so off but ended up working from home the entire time because I just couldn’t stand sitting in one place all day. TV and internet browsing got old quick. The time flew by when I was working remotely. Hopefully it does for you too.
Nonny
Oh my goodness, TBK, so sorry to hear you are on bedrest and I really hope your little ones settle down and stay put at least until January! Your family sounds incredible and you are so lucky to have their support. Stay positive! Lots of hugs from one pregnant lady to another.
CKB
I’m so sorry to hear this, but glad that you seem to have a good support system & lots of things to keep you busy.
And, did you know there are lots of cute (ish) compression socks for runners? Pro Compression is the first brand that comes to mind – fun colors, argyle, etc. Not sure if they will do the trick for what you need, but maybe something for you to check out. If you can wear them, it might brighten your day a little to look down & see hot pink argyle compression socks instead of boring white ones.
Lady Harriet
I’ve seen these recommended as fun compression socks too: http://www.hello-anna-and-mo.com/2013/11/compression-socks-not-just-for-patients.html There aren’t a ton of patterns, but the ones they do have are exciting.
I will be praying for you, the babies, and your family. You’re already doing such a good job as a mother, and it sounds like you have a lot of wonderful people supporting you.
Samantha
Thinking of you and sending good thoughts and warm wishes your way! I love your positive outlook! Take good care of yourself.
CapHillAnon
Sending good thoughts your way.
Senior Attorney
Cheering you on from So Cal!! XXX OOO
EC MD
So sorry to hear this! It must be so scary and boring, which is a truly terrible combo.
Not to sell out my profession, but OB is a mysterious field where there are a lot of unknowns. No one knows for sure that being 1 cm dialated at 22 weeks will lead to babies born too too early. The OBs are doing the best they can, with relatively poor information, and it’s not like they can run a study where they put half the women on bedrest and the other half let them do whatever. What I’m trying to say is that more often then not, women make it to a decent number of weeks before they deliver, even when they are in your shoes (or hospital slippers).
I am so glad you have great support. Hopefully you will find that the nurses are a great support too. They work day in and day out with women who are stuck in the hospital for long periods of time, and know the stresses.
I am thinking of you and your little ones. Hoping for time, growth and health.
Sydney Bristow
TBK I’m so sorry about the rough news. What a great list of things to be grateful for though. We are all pulling for you here. Sending you love and support!
Jules
More hugs and good wishes!
Susedna
*big hugs* I’m hoping all works out well for you and your twins. So glad that your husband, MIL, and Mom have been fantastic. Good luck with all!
MU JD
I’ve had you in my thoughts and prayers TBK. You’re in a good place for you and your babies now – constant monitoring may get old very quickly, but it is so beneficial for you and those little ones. Keep us posted on how you are doing! Best wishes to you and your family.
Anita
Sending so many good thoughts and positive vibes your way. Keep focusing on the positive and know that you’re in good hands.
Pink
Sending hugs and good, restful, cozy thoughts your way!
Batgirl
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Good luck and try to stay positive! My coworker had her baby at 24 weeks and she’s now a rambunctious, healthy five year old pistol.
Diana Barry
Good luck!!!!!! Hope those guys can stay inside for a long time!
zora
Awww!! Sweetie, I’m so sorry, this sounds so rough!! At least know you can always come here and bug us if you are bored and need some distraction, or need some encouragement and hugs! You have been an amazing part of this community, and *I* am grateful for *You*. ;o) Sending lots of hugs and growing healthy vibes to those little boys, and to you!!
Calibrachoa
Good luck!!! Hope everything goes well into the spring… All the very gentle hugs!
Coach Laura
TBK, I will add my good thoughts and prayers and send them out through the ‘net to you.
I practice meditation and breathing so if you’re into that at all, that is something I recommend. Another thing that a friend told me (when we weren’t sure if my husband’s diagnosis was going to be really bad) was to envision a cone of bright, white light over our bed, believing that all the good energy was going into the occupants of the bed. So now I do that when I’m stressed. I visualize each of my kids in their beds at university and often extend it to ailing friends/family. It also helps me to drift off into sleep when my mind is racing.
oil in houston
TKB, I am so sorry, I will send you all my thoughts and prayers from Texas!
Anonymous
A similar situation happened to my mother for both of her pregnancies. She was on bed rest for 4+ months both times with a lot of stressful scares. And this was 25 years ago, when doctors were a lot less sensitive to these situations (they were quite cruel to her in how little they cared if she lost the pregnancies before viability) and the medical technology wasn’t as good. I can happily report that my sister and I turned out practically perfect. Hang in there, you have such a good attitude about all of this.
Out of Place Engineer
Hi TBK! Not sure if you are checking back on this thread, but I’m thinking of you! I had my son unexpectedly at 31 weeks nearly 6 years ago. It was the scariest time for me. He spent 10 weeks in the NICU and it touch and go for a while, but he is fantastic now. And when I had my daughter 4 years later, I was on bedrest for 5 weeks before having her 5 weeks early. (I like to say pregnancy doesn’t agree with me.) If you want someone to talk to, let me know. Now is a great time to take up knitting or crocheting or needlepoint. :)
Amanda Z
Hang in there Mama – thoughts and prayers are with you.
Anon
Corporettes.
How do you get over a failed relationship and/or an ex? My first long-term relationship (and first love, really) burned out, due to timing, youthful mistakes… a number of things, really, that all added up to a relationship where trust was weak and there were a lot of recriminations. I ended up breaking things off after a set of on and off years because it just didn’t seem to be working, but I wish I hadn’t had to. I’m still very, very emotionally tied to my ex, but it seems that we can’t work together. Adding to the pain is the fact that a great deal of my social circle involves or was tied to this relationship/my ex, so leaving the relationship means leaving this behind as well.
I’m dating someone new (and objectively really great), but can’t seem to fall in love again, probably because I’m still rather stuck on the past. Any advice?
Ellen
Hug’s to you! I’ve been there and done that but you will get over him. I am in court now soi can’t post alot b/c the judge wants me to look up at him not at my iPhone. But you can text me I you need to learn how idealte with my ex, who drank a lot and burped in bed among other things. Your deal is worse b/c you work w/him. Alan just used me for food, sex and a place to sleep and poop! FOOEY!
CountC
Therapy would most likely be helpful here. But I think therapy is helpful for everything so . . .
DC Wonkette
Take it easy on yourself — it takes time and real separation. If he’s still in your social circle and a constant topic of conversation in your friend group, it’s going to be tough for you to move on. You may need to take a break from situations that involve him and ensure you’re really able to clear your head. If you’re at a point where you have had to cut out a large friend group (went through this point college and it stinks), find hobbies and activities where you can meet new people and pursue new interests. I think you also have to be honest with yourself on whether you still think (in the back of your mind) “he’s the one” or if you have reached the point where you truly recognize it is forever over. Date some cuties, get free drinks, and enjoy time with your friends. No need to find “Mr. Right” immediately…
Moving On
Oof – I’m there with you. Not so much on the dating yet (haven’t had the urge). And I even objectively realize it wasn’t a relationship that was going to last. But I seem to keep thinking in the back of my emotional brain (not the rational one) that he’s going to realize all the things he did wrong, fix them, and then tell me how much he misses me. But that’s a fantasy that is never going to happen. I’m also grumpy about the fact that he was done with the relationship, but didn’t have the gumption to leave – I had to tell him to go away because he couldn’t say it was over. Which was just indicative of our other problems.
So… just keep on keeping on? If the current guy isn’t pushing all your buttons, keep looking. Just because this one isn’t the guy, doesn’t mean there isn’t one out there – or that the Ex is the one.
Anonymous
It took me a really long time to get over one of my boyfriends, from my first year of university and then a little bit here and there for years in between other relationships. When I started getting bored in a later long-term relationship, my feelings then resurfaced, and, after breaking up with that later boyfriend, I had yet another fling with the first one mentioned. Heh. It wasn’t until I met and started a relationship with someone else who actually made me hands-down happy that I finally felt like I *knew* I was completely “over” the first guy. It became kind of laughable, even. All this is to say – keep doing what you’re doing and date other people. I think this is one of those situations where, if you consciously do not let yourself dwell, time will be your biggest friend.
Hel-lo
No contact!
This website really helped me: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.
skinny cold legs
I had hoped to fulfill my dream of finding knee high, work appropriate, simple yet beautiful black boots to wear with skirts. And that can tolerate Midwest winters. I need < 13" calf circumference for sure, since I have skinny calves. I had hoped for a miracle and that I would find boots on sale this past weekend that fit this criteria but no such luck.
I had hoped for Aquitaine based on good reports here, and am almost about to give up on getting them on sale. But I just can't find a pair for my chicken legs! I love my short la Canadienne booties, but their knee high boots are all too wide in the calf.
Anyone more lucky then me?
Nellie
I did a quick Zappos search and there’s not much in the under 13” circumference range. But the Franco Sarto Cipher is listed at 13″ even; and the Rachel Zoe Grayson at 13.25″. Fifteen+ inches seems to be the average, so those would still be on the narrower side…
A Nonny Moose
What size heel (or lack thereof) are you looking for?
A Nonny Moose
Don’t know your price range either, but at Nordies try Franco Sarto “Dover” (13″, $100), or Charles by Charles David “Beyond” (13″, $80),.
A Nonny Moose
Extra Petite may be a good resource too. She has some recommendations at the bottom of this post. http://www.extrapetite.com/2013/11/riding-boots-for-short-and-narrow.html
Frugal doc
Hey ninny,
I’m flexible on the heel. All day walkable, so nothing high and slippery in snow. Would love a wedge or shorter heel.
In Rem
This blog (which I believe I found here) has lots of boots for those small-of-calf, plus detailed reviews:
http://littlecontessa.blogspot.com/
Blonde Lawyer
I’ve heard you can have the larger width boots taken in.
anonfish
Based on the recommedation of a friend living in the UK, I just ordered and am now wearing for the first time, a pair of DUO boots and I’m in love. You custom order by calf size & shoe size! They have a bunch of different styles. I got a pair of simple, low heeled black boots. They fit great and they’re comfortable. I’m not entirely sure they’re made for enduring a winter but the site has some more rugged styles as well. Shipping was incredibly fast (I ordered these last Friday and they arrived yesterday- I’m in NYC.) Shipping was free but the purchase is subject to import tax and returns are $20. They’re a bit pricey ($200-300 range) but I am hoping they will last a long time. I feel like a shill, but i’m just really happy with my new purchase!! My calves measure 16″, so just a bit too big for most regular boots and a bit too small for wide calf boots.. it’s really nice to have boots that fit my calves perfectly!
thanks!
I would have never found this, so thanks for this great website. I am actually shocked they are not more expensive, considering the exchange rate/shipping and I love the idea of so many classic/basic styles in different shoe/calf sizes.
Which one did you buy?
anonfish
I got the Cassini ones but strongly considered the Purdy style. Ultimately, I thought the trim on the Purdy took away from the otherwise basic, classic look and might annoy me eventually. I’d have preferred an almond toe on the Cassinis but it’s ok. I wore them all day yesterday and they were really comfortable! If you are unsure of sizing, call their toll-free number- the consultants are super helpful. Also watch the video on the site that explains the fit. I want more!!
marketingchic
I’m on Team Skinny Calves (and Big Feet – hot combo!) I have had good luck with some Fitzwell boots from Zappos (their own brand.) They are a couple years old, so I can’t give you an exact style.
Carolina Gator
Aquatalia by Marvin K. I just bought the Orso (most expensive pair of shoes I’ve ever bought) for my 11.5″ calves and LOVE THEM…they’re the only pair of boots I’ve ever found that fit.
Frugal doc
Thank you everyone! What great ideas. Especially appreciate the blog links.
The Aquitaine Orso is perfect (although I just had a small seizure when I saw the price) but I assumed it was too big. It says 14.5 calf circumference…. But maybe it stretches to that? It doesn’t gape on top for you?
Exhausted girl...
My 70 year old, widowed, disabled father just had a manic break this weekend. The explosions have been devastating for all of us. I can’t believe this is happening…. We are trying to be sure there is not a medical cause to explain and contribute to this (saw 2 doctors yesterday), but part of me knows he probably has Bipolar disease undiagnosed for years. We see the psychiatrist in a few hours. Hoping to keep him out of the hospital, as he is so mistrustful of all of us right now…. and is reminding us of every felt hurt/injury/betrayal of his entire life. He is falling into a pit of despair.
He is so scared, agitated, angry, scary, mean and…. terrified. And also upset by what he is doing to us (the kids). He has a little insight, but not much.
My sweet little brother is collapsing under the stress, my older brother is hiding in California and can’t come. I am teaching myself to become numb…. to hold things afloat. I am strong.
I am single, and live very close to him since he became disabled/widowed etc.. and cannot work while I am caring for him. It is exhausting.
Sometimes it helps to come on this website to escape! It seems like so many of you live lives that are only a fantasy that I cannot ever imagine….
Life is very hard.
KLG
So sorry you are going through this. Hang in there!
mascot
I am sorry. We dealt with recurrent mental issues and multiple hospitalizations for an elderly family member. It was simultaneously terrifying and frustrating beyond belief. I hope that you get some answers from the doctors. Hang in there.
Anon
I am sending you hugs and strength. You seem to be handling this amazingly well – realizing that it is not your Dad doing this, but his illness. Just remember you can only remain strong if you take care of yourself too. Food, rest, and breaks are essential. We are all here for you for whatever venting you need to do. Much love…
May
This sounds like a tough place to be. Hugs you sound like you’re doing a fantastic job for your father.
If he’s 70, there’ll likely be tests to do, along with placing him on medication. So glad you are getting to see a psychiatrist soon.
Remember, taking medication and getting help is as much for your father as for the rest of the family, so here’s to hoping he gets something to help him get better quickly.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so low just now, hang in there! This too shall pass..
Anon for this
Sending good thoughts your way. We went through this with my brother in law earlier this year. He was hospitalized for a week — and the break it gave him AND us was so helpful. He was finally put on meds that are really right for him (after being under / improperly medicated for bipolar & borderline for years and years), the environment was really restful, and we got a break for the first time in five years (and for my husband, the first time in nearly 15).
Please keep your own well being in mind. If he tries to hurt himself or you, bring him to the hospital immediately.
L
Late to this, but please please please make sure the hospital connects you to a social worker. Or the local aging department (or both!). There are people who can help you.
Anon
I went through a similar scenario with a family member last year (undiagnosed mental health issues leading to several break downs with multiple threats of running away or suicide). Our first few attempts to help backfired and she became very paranoid of being committed to a hospital/turned into the police. We finally had to invoke a medical hold for psychiatric evaluation. It took several months of a hospital stay, outpatient clinic, and therapy for things to calm down, and in those months I’ve never been called more hurtful names or accused of being so selfish/mean/abusive. It was really a tough situation, but having family and the support of professionals (doctors, psychiatrists, social workers) helped.
It’s great that you’re meeting with professionals. Don’t be afraid to reach out to them with questions and ask for advice on how the family can best support your father. I also found the NAMI organization to have good resources and support for family members.
One final thing, like others have mentioned, try to take care of yourself. It’s hard when you feel like this is “your problem” and everyone else is leaving you to deal with it. Try to eat well, sleep as much as you can, and take small breaks (whether it’s to read or watch a movie). Thinking of you and your dad.
So Very Anon
I have no wise words, but I write to say that I understand. My mother has been bipolar for 20 years, and was misdiagnosed for the first 5 years. My sister had her first manic break 11 months ago, ended up hospitalized twice in one month, and had another severe manic break 1.5 months ago that ended up in a longer hospitalization. Just two weeks ago my best friend had her first severe manic break that ended up in hospitalization.
One month ago I moved my sister from several states away to live with me and to let me care for her, and so I understand how incredibly difficult this can be on a family. I have been guilty of putting too much attention and care into trying to help her (and my best friend), to the detriment of myself and other relationships. Please be cognizant of the incredible drain and strain this puts on YOU, and actively and continually take steps to care for yourself. You can’t provide support to your father and your other stressed out family members when you are exhausted and barely hanging on yourself.
And finally, I just want to express that you are far from alone in this. I agree, life is so very hard sometimes. Hang in there.
Silvercurls
So sorry you are facing this! You sound like you’re doing amazing work for your father but please take care of yourself. If there is any possibility of arranging logistical support, go for it! Whatever you can effectively delegate/outsource re errands or housekeeping will leave you with more energy for gathering information, making the medical rounds, weighing options, making decisions and pursuing second choices if necessary. It may also free up some energy for self-care.
About your other point: Yes, life is often very unfair and troubles are not equitably shared. It stinks! But we still have to cope with our circumstances…easy to say, hard to do. I hope you have some humble sources of regular joy even if it’s only a small sensory experience (favorite tea, favorite soap, a flowering plant in your kitchen) and at least one good friend who stays connected even while you’re stressed and grouchy. Hugs.
Another possible source of wisdom are the comments on various blogs in the Health section at the NYTimes site. The readers/commenters have walked the walked and are generous in sharing lessons, experiences, and (less often) web sites and other resources. If nothing else, it’s reassurance that you’re not the only person losing sleep over these issues. (I did most of my reading late at night.)
Believe in yourself. Keep pushing the system (whatever it is–hospitals, social workers, NAMI, geriatric social workers, case managers, medical staff…) until you find some useful answers. Stay strong as you search for solutions. I’ll stop preaching now. Sending good thoughts in your direction.
exhausted girl...
Thank you, to all of you, for taking the time to help me.
I can’t stop crying when I read your posts, but they help me a lot. This is so isolating.
He was doing a little better yesterday, but then he had a bad fall and I had to take him to the ER. He’s bruised up but OK, and we fortunately still made it to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist seems to understand…. one problem is just getting better communication among all his doctors.
Every day is like a dance…. trying to support, protect, encourage without agitating, get the meds/drinking/personal care/medical care/therapy/exercise, and yet give him space so he doesn’t explode. Thank goodness someone comes to help with his house cleaning already, and I am trying constantly (for years…) trying to sneak in more support (without success….). His medical problems/disabilities are also serious and have needed so much help already, and this new psychiatric break is like the poisonous cherry on the top of a sundae that’s melting in the refrigerator.
I had to stop drinking coffee/caffeine 2 days ago because he makes me so anxious… my heart was beating a mile a minute…. Sleeping helps. Chocolate helps.
Thank you.
Relationship Q
Looking for some objective opinions. My parents & I are close, but they have voiced doubts about my relationship with my SO (LT, not married). I think they have different ideas for what a SO should be than I do (eg, they think he should be making at least XX/have a high powered career, I think mutual love & support is more important… their marriage is a ‘power couple’ one, but there isn’t much love). It’s hard to hear them say things like ‘you can do better’ simply because of this one reason, when my SO is a perfect match for me in all other ways, and this one reason isn’t that important to me. How would you ladies deal with negativity/doubts about your relationship from someone you love and trust? Would you just ignore it?
Samantha
TBH, I think it depends on your age and level of maturity. If you are still very young, or this is your first relationship, you are maybe less independent in other aspects of life, etc., I would be likely to pay more attention to your parents’ opinions on this. If you’re older, wiser, independent, experienced and this relationship has stood the test of time then your assessment of your relationship is probably more accurate than your parents’.
I completely agree that mutual love, respect and support is way more important than a high powered career. But sometimes people who know us well may have relationship advice that is useful to hear (and other times, good to ignore!).
Relationship Q
Samantha, I see what you are saying.
I’m 28 and have been financially independent from my parents since I was 18. I’m in Government, SO works for a small business in an admin capacity. I make about 3x what he does.
Perhaps this is a ‘good to ignore’ situation. It’s just hard to hear these things and not justify my choices or respond to my parents, who in all other cases give great advice & are generally very supportive.
hoola hoopa
well put
Anon
I would look seriously at the relationship and try hard to be objective. If it really is simply because he is not in a high powered career but otherwise a great guy (this describes my husband–I make more money, but he is a hard-worker, loyal, kind, etc….) then I would tell my parents respectfully that I appreciate their concern but that this is who I have chosen to be with and that he treats me very well. However, after watching my sister and other friends stay with someone toxic and refuse to see it, I would try to take a hard look at the relationship. (sometimes lack of a high powered career can mean someone who is not willing to work hard/can’t hold down a stable job which will translate to the relationship, parenting, ect. Certainly not saying ALL the time this is true, but something to rule out.)
Relationship Q
Thanks Anon. Maybe this complaint is how they are packing other concerns (about stability, provision for children, etc).
Senior Attorney
I agree, if you respect their opinion I would suggest trying hard to take an objective look and try to see things through their eyes. Also, what advice would you give a friend in the same circumstances?
Honestly, income and career can be markers for other traits like initiative, willingness to work hard, self-confidence, ambition, intellectual curiosity, and others that may not seem important now but may become more important later. Does he have other interests and passions, or is he a low-energy guy who is happy to type and file from 9 to 5 and then come home and sit on the couch all evening? If the latter, is that okay with you? Will it be okay with you 5 years from now? 10? 20?
What does “mutual love and support” look like in your relationship? Is he carrying a lot of the weight around the house? Does he seem like he will be a good, involved father when the time comes, or will you be doing the lion’s share of the parenting in addition to bringing home most of the money? Is that okay with you?
Again, what does “he’s a perfect match for me in all other respects” mean to you? Are you sure you’ve set the bar high enough?
Relationship Q
Thanks Senior Attorney. ACK. These are tough questions but I will take some time to think about these things. I’m not sure how much my priorities will change in 10 or 20 years… can anyone really predict this?
Senior Attorney
I can almost guarantee you, if you plan to have kids, you will place a higher priority on somebody who has the wherewithal to be a true partner — if not financially, then certainly physically and emotionally. I’m talking shared housework, shared child care, and the initiative to get up and do what needs to be done rather than waiting for you to make him a to-do list. That laid-back guy becomes a lot less charming when the workload around the house doubles or triples.
Senior Attorney
I guess what I’m saying is that at some point you will want and expect your partner to be a real life fully-functioning adult.
Susedna
Chiming in to agree with Senior Attorney and to add that even if you don’t have kids, a partner who doesn’t pull his or her own weight can be quite a psychological burden and can create a crap ton of resentments.
As someone who is well into her 30s and doesn’t have kids, I would never put up with a live-in partner or spouse who acted like a dependent rather than a full partner. You don’t earn a seat at the adult table and get the adult props and respect from me if you don’t pull your weight in the relationship.
Rosalita
For those of you that are caregivers for aging parents, what kind of support would you wish to get from friends on the other side of the country? Are there any gifts you would appreciate receiving by mail?