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Coffee Break: Moonstone & Diamond Drop Earrings


When I was a kid I took piano lessons at a local college — ages 4–14, until my personality clashed so fiercely with my teacher that I quit for good. (If memory serves, she had threatened to cut my slightly too-long nails with regular scissors, so while I know I breathed fire as a teenager, I don't think I'm entirely to blame here.)

ANYWAY. Near the conservatory was a tiny gift shop that was filled with the kinds of things the college kids of the era thought were great gifts: black-light posters, tie-dye products, stone statues of swordsmen, and what I now think of as hippie jewelry, with lots of mood rings, “raw” crystals, and dragon- and snake-inspired jewelry featuring moonstones and blue/green opals.

I often think my love of iridescent, semi-precious stones stems from poring over the jewelry cases at this little shop while I waited to be picked up from piano lessons. 

So to see something as stunning and gorgeous as these earrings, from designer Temple St. Clair, is always fun and educational — they are several staircases above the hippie jewelry I loved in my youth.

Apparently the more blue a moonstone is, the pricier it is — it apparently is also the designer's favorite thing about moonstones. Love.

These earrings are definitely more pricey than the moonstones I loved in my youth, but they ARE on sale: They were $4,200 but are now marked to $3360. (These and this are also stunning.) Gorgeous, gorgeous. Pictured.

Looking for something more affordable than these, but more sophisticated than, say, dragon jewelry? These long dangly earrings would look great against dark hair, and these Etsy earrings look pretty similar to the pictured earrings. 

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Sales of note for 12.5

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179 Comments

  1. Anon for this I’m hoping the hive can help (late post this morning so just in case other have something to add) — how do you deal with retired parents (age 70+) who are just unhappy and I don’t mean right now I’m mean for YEARS of retirement. And how do you make it so YOU don’t end up feeling stressed, sad, and pacing about it — which I’ve been doing since last night.

    The short version — both parents (Arab immigrants – but in the US 40+ years) are probably unhappy in retirement but one parent (dad) OMG. For the last 10 years since retirement life = newspaper, news, reading on the phone, and 1-2 times/wk talking to faraway friends and family. That’s it. No community involvement, no watching sports, no local friends, no part time jobs or volunteer gigs, no golf. So of course fast forward 10 years and things just aren’t right– constant complaining. Drs. have suggested depression/anxiety as did a friend who was a therapist for the early part of his career. Yet because we’re middle eastern (men talking about feelings isn’t done), he basically just dumps his unhappiness on my mother daily. It’s taking a toll on her. So then when she’s had it, she turns around and dumps it all on me under the guise of “you should know.” I mean I called to say hi yesterday, this conversation went on for over an hour of her complaining about him — and we’re sitting at noon the next day and I’m STILL stressed. And this has happened before with the dumping on me. And if I say I don’t want to/need to know or cut it off it’s because I’m a bad daughter who is so “American.”

    He now wants to pursue therapy but knowing both of them I know they’re thinking he’ll do 1 tele visit and problem solved. And maybe I’m being naive but I think a therapist will tell you to make changes, get involved etc. which isn’t something they can do for you.

    How do you deal with this? And how do you keep yourself feeling ok? I had planned to go spend a few weeks with them since I’m not going back to the office for a while and can work from there. Yet having been there before with this kind of mood, I was there for a month a few Christmases ago (manufacturing co furlough around Christmas) and I felt “stuck” — couldn’t leave because they’d know I didn’t want to be there, can’t say normal “American” things like I have to consider my own mental health, but I was EXHAUSTED when I returned; I mean sleeping 12 hours a night when I got back home — because when I’m stressed I don’t sleep much/very restless so it was like a month of sleep deprivation. Yet it’s already starting, they (obviously) know I’m not going to the office so if I don’t come home at all during the summer and stay a few weeks it’s because I don’t want to be with them with culturally is terrible. And I feel bad because I DO want to be with them, love them, etc. but I just don’t want to be stressed 24-7. (Obviously I’m single so can’t use my own family as an excuse nor have I given them a son in law or grandkids to pal around with.) Thoughts?

    1. It’s clear that there is nothing you can do to solve this problem but that continuing to battle against it is only harming you. The fantastic part about this is that nothing you do will work which means it is 100% clear that it is not your fault that they are miserable. That means you might as well live your life in ways that work best for you because they’ll be miserable regardless. (Your only other option is to keep being exhausted by them and to become miserable like them, while they are miserable either way.) It sounds to me like it’s time for you to work to let go of feelings of obligation to change them and to instead work to learn how to make and keep yourself happy regardless of their unhappiness. <3

      1. PS When you talk with them on the phone, do it while you have other things to do. Do it while you fold laundry or mop floors or grocery shop or whatever else. It’ll let you have the obligatory call while being focused elsewhere so you aren’t absorbing all of that energy. Plus, when you hang up, instead of feeling drained, you can look at all the tasks you’ve completed, feel accomplished, and reward yourself for a job well done (which can also be a self-care moment after the call)!

        PPS You can love someone and love yourself enough to not let them harm you. If they are truly incapable of being anything but miserable, they will be miserable whether you visit or not, whether it’s a long visit or not, no matter what you do or don’t do. Do what keeps you sane and safe and healthy.

        1. Not the OP, but I like and plan to consciously incorporate this advice. I can check off a lot of obligatory but unpleasant communications while cooking and cleaning.

        2. +1 to this! I have unconsciously started doing this during calls with my mother and it works to help me ignore when she says something pointedly provocative! Usually I try to prep dinner.

    2. But you are American. They came here for a reason, right? Presumably so that you could be an American and have a better life?

      You can’t fix your dad’s mental health. And you can’t be your mom’s therapist. If dad won’t go to therapy, mom should go herself. Make the suggestion and move on. If they accuse you of being too American, say yes, I am American, thanks for moving here. Then get off the phone. Politely, if possible, but do not let it turn into another hour of the same complaints as the last call. Maybe only have a call with Mom when you have a work meeting starting in 20-30 minutes.

      If you want to have a relationship with your parents, you have to establish your personal boundaries before you get to the point of not being able to have them in your life at all.

      1. “But you are American. They came here for a reason, right? Presumably so that you could be an American and have a better life?”

        You are right. I support what you are saying. But whew…this is not how immigrant parents work.

        1. Yeah as Indian-American myself this just isn’t their thinking — they came here for the “tangible” opportunities like money, ivy league or MIT or whatever degrees, etc. THAT’s what they want you to have while being 150% Indian in terms of your values. I mean often their expectation regarding “indian-ness” are greater than those my aunts and uncles places on their kids who LIVE in India. But being “American-ized” myself I do agree OP that you should not make yourself miserable here because even if you make yourself miserable it won’t make them happy. Little things — like don’t call in the evening when you have wide open time. Call on the drive to work (in normal times) or when you can say — just want to say hi, have a work call in 30 min.

          Frankly YMMV but I’d make the suggestions once and then just a lot of uh-huh. You can’t discuss the same things over and over again with no progress. They have lived in America for 40 years they know that people get PT jobs in retirement or volunteer or watch football or whatever (in normal times).

          1. Indian-American here as well. Your first couple of sentences are so accurate. Thankfully my parents have adapted quite well to American culture, but I see that a lot with friends and acquaintances.

          2. I think diaspora conservatism (as in, actual conservation of traditions and cultural norms) is a studied phenomenon, whether it only lasts one generation or continues. I think the idea is that people in their place of origin often feel freer to change.

        2. The movie “The Big Sick” goes into this, when the main character wanted to marry a white woman and not do an arranged marriage. It is such a good movie all around, but I’d watch it just for this content alone.

        3. Yep lol this is not at all how immigrant parents work and think. They came from a different country for certain opportunities, but that doesn’t mean they hated and don’t want to live by the cultures and traditions of their home area.

    3. I think you’ve already gotten somewhere by getting him to agree to go to therapy. The therapist will definitely say that he needs to do some community activities. I know it’s not your job to solve your parents happiness, but I think it will go better if you can find any middle eastern cultural centers, religious centers, even non middle eastern senior centers. Is there volunteer work related to his former career?

      For yourself, yes boundaries. I know it goes a bit against our culture, and you can’t use terms like “for my mental health I have to step away”, but when either mom or dad is complaining I try to get it towards an actionable item or cut it off. If “you should know” – okay, you do know, you got it. I may not be helpful because I have had actual fights with my parents about this.

      I do feel bad for your mom. Going into stereotypes here, but even though they are both in the same retirement situation women often have a wider network and men just rely on their wife for all social things. Does she go out of the house or do things in the community?

      Source: Indian-American, close counts

      1. Indian American here in almost the same situation as OP — in my case I feel bad too which is why I worry and listen. I feel like women are more “used to” being at home. My mother worked but not all the time — she stayed home until we were in nearly middle school, had years off here and there due to layoffs etc. so I feel like between that and let’s be real having to do the cooking/cleaning/house stuff (esp now without cleaning ladies coming), plus being chatty with their sisters etc even if they live abroad, I feel like women figure this stuff out. They even pick up minor hobbies in retirement whether it’s learning a language or whatever. Indian men OTOH (and I assume Arab men may be similar) just expect things to be figured out for them — which worked at the office because they were given tasks to do but post retirement, not so much.

      2. Indian American here in almost the same situation as OP — in my case I feel bad too which is why I worry and listen. I feel like women are more “used to” being at home. My mother worked but not all the time — she stayed home until we were in nearly middle school, had years off here and there due to layoffs etc. so I feel like between that and let’s be real having to do the cooking/cleaning/house stuff (esp now without cleaning ladies coming), plus being chatty with their sisters etc even if they live abroad, I feel like women figure this stuff out. They even pick up minor hobbies in retirement whether it’s learning a language or whatever. Indian men OTOH (and I assume Arab men may be similar) just expect things to be figured out for them — which worked at the office because they were given tasks to do but post retirement, not so much.

      3. It is HUGE that he (as a man and an immigrant) has agreed to go to therapy! Really really. I cannot imagine my parents (esp. dad) ever being persuaded to do this so count this as a big win.
        It is going to be one step at a time (pay for a “set” of meetings with the therapist, tell them to get “value for money” they need to implement the actions,

    4. My parents are similar, although swap genders and my mom isn’t really “retired” but rather hasn’t worked since 1975. My mother does nothing but sit in the house, nap, watch TV, talk on the phone, and bug my dad about stuff. It was the same growing up – my dad was the one work worked and did the lion share of housework and child care. They live in an undesirable, economically depressed and fairly high crime area with bad weather – house and car get broken into multiple times a year. She does go to therapy and takes anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, but will not listen to the recommendation to do something other than sit around.
      Things took a turn for the worse when my dad retired. He wanted to move to a resort community near where I live, and she refuses to leave because that is where she is from. My dad does make the best of it – he is into marathons and swimming, he is an avid golfer, has a lot of friends he sees regularly (at least pre-covid), is involved in local politics, volunteers for various things, etc.
      My mom complains at my dad a lot, and it clearly stresses him out. She will call me and complain about all kinds of things and it does feel me leaving frazzled. I’ve given up on trying to change her, although my husband had a go at getting her to move by creating a PowerPoint presentation and presenting it to her about how awesome said resort community is – bless his management consultant heart (lol).
      I don’t know if I have better advice than to state your views of what should be done, and distance yourself from it. I limit length of phone calls, and also we stay at a hotel when we visit so we aren’t trapped in that stressful environment for a week straight.
      My parents aren’t immigrants, but my mom appears to be stuck in the 1950s or 1960s, and wants me to act as if I were a “well-behaved” woman from that era, so I sort of understand where you are coming from I think. She is still upset with me that I continue to work after I am married, didn’t take my husband’s last name, have a housekeeper, etc.

      1. My mom and dad both worked, but putting what you would typically think aside, I think my dad will actually do better with retirement like your dad is! My dad probably wouldn’t make new friends, but even during this lockdown he’s starting new hobbies, loads of home improvement, started some new tv shows, had a decent number of video calls. My mom is an essential worker. so she is still working, but I don’t think she could ever develop house hobbies like that. Mom better not retire, people in her profession work late in life (by choice, not necessity) and she’s not the type to get into local politics or community service.

      2. Your Dad should move without her. I’m serious. Life is too short to be miserable. I suspect without someone to complain to/about, she’ll follow him, allowing them to sell the old house eventually.

        1. My husband is with you, and I am to a certain extent. But my mother doesn’t drive, doesn’t know how to manage finances/pay bills, don’t know how to use a computer, etc. so I honestly don’t think she could survive. When I say stuck in the 1950s/1960s, I am not exaggerating at all.

    5. Desi woman here and I have dealt with a similar situation with my mother in law. It would be great if you could help your parents find one aunty and uncle friend in their area. All it takes is one friend in their life to make an enormous impact. Here are some ideas:

      1. Get them to join a place of worship with a large Arab population. Even if they’re not religious, it’s often the best way to meet people. Many of them have senior groups too. You may need to actually take them with you to force it to happen

      2. Do you have friends with parents in the area that you could connect them with?

      3. This requires some bravery, but post on Next-door or a neighborhood list serve. Arab parents, retired, looking for friends to go on a walk with, etc. I suspect that there are many others in a similar situation who would be happy to connect. You will need to post this because they won’t, and you will likely need to facilitate an intro meeting.

      4. Your parents should call the friends they do have. Even if they can’t meet in person, having some connections with others will help.

      5. Once it is safe to do, encourage them to travel back to their home country for a vacation. Reconnecting with family/friends in their home country may boost happiness. And in the meantime, there is WhatsApp and Zoom.

      6 . If your dad isn’t willing to do any of the above, get your mom at least to do it. That will boost her happiness, which will help her to better deal with your dad. Good luck!

      1. Also, rather than making new friends (which is hard for all of us), what about reconnecting with old friends? If they have been in the US for 40 plus years, surely there are old colleagues and friends from their past that they knew? I’m sure many of those folks are also bored and would love to have a friend to have coffee with once in a while.

        All of this will require some cajoling and perhaps even some implementing/organizing on your part. So it will be work for you, but will be 100 times better than you listening to them complain for the next 15 years.

    6. Indian-American here and my mother is dreading my father’s imminent retirement because when not working, he’s glued to his cell phone watching YouTube videos of Modi and Indian politics. He doesn’t do anything else.

    1. The stones are so pretty, but something about the designs from this designer read stodgy to me. Any suggestions for something similar but a bit more modern?

      1. The style reminds me of cheap picture frames and outdated formal dining rooms, but I’m not sure why.

        1. I get it. I think it’s the shape of the gold setting that has the same ridges as old brass frames.

          I’m the person who said eye candy. To me, the cool watery blue against the warm gold is just an eye popping combo. More about the colors than the construction, if that makes sense.

  3. Oooh! My massage therapist who works out of her home is now open with masks and other cleaning precautions (this is allowed in our phase). Do I do it? I have no interest in going to the gym or a restaurant and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get my haircut until I go back to the office in 2021 but I have SO been missing my regular massage. WWYD?

    1. Well, everyone has their own tolerance for exposure, but a prolonged massage where you’re absolutely required to be within 6 feet of someone is a higher risk.

      I have a medical issue right now so I’m getting some exposure that way, but it’s a situation that can’t wait any longer. (doctor’s visits, MRI, etc>) For me, personally, I can justify that because it’s literally necessary, but I probably wouldn’t have a massage, because for me it’s not literally necessary, just a nice treat.

      1. This. Plus with doctors visits and necessary tests like that they work out of a drs office/hospital and every health system in America has put in protocols. A massage therapist working out of the house – eh – I wouldn’t be so trusting even if I liked them. I mean how do you really know that they change masks every time, sanitize even if it doesn’t look dirty etc. esp since they have to do it themselves, it saves 10 min and a bit of effort to not do it etc. Health systems on the other hand have no incentive to NOT do the right thing; nor is the dr or nurse doing the scrubbing themselves so they have no incentive to NOT call housekeeping to have things done as required.

    2. I would do it. Gyms, restaurants, and hair salons aren’t worth the risk IMO (don’t miss them all that much) but I’m desperately missing my massages too and would go for it, esp if you’re both wearing masks the whole time.

    3. Following with interest, as I have a hefty spa gift card that I was planning to blow on a long hot stone spa day just before this hit, and I feel like I could really use it. But, I’m a little nervous about it (as I’ve been more on the conservative end of isolating). I agree though, that some other things don’t seem worth it, but I am very tempted by the thought of a massage.

    4. No. I wouldn’t find it relaxing right now and therefore it wouldn’t be worth the money. My husband and I are trading massages at home instead and that has been going well.

    5. I’d consider my own health, the health of any family members or close contacts and what the stats were like in my area. I’d probably be more inclined to go to a large company vs. someone out of their home since they are more likely to have better training and more incentive to stick to protocols. Just personally, I probably still wouldn’t. That’s indoor, close contact and contact that’s prolonged. Even though the death rates are low, I’m still concerned about what a long recovery might mean to my job right now (no cuts yet at work, but I fear they are coming) and I also am a pretty active person. If I’m one of the unlucky ones who gets lung damage even for a little while or possibly a long while, that outweighs to me the short term. If I couldn’t bike or hike or whatever, even if it were just for a few weeks I’d be absolutely miserable.

    6. I would do it if the massage could be outdoors – for your safety as well as the therapist’s.

    7. I would, because my husband got me a gift card for a massage for our fall anniversary and I didn’t go before the pandemic hit and now I’m really hoping I still can, mostly because I would hate to have a nice gift go to waste. But if you’re okay with the risks involved, I think you should!

    8. I got a massage about three weeks ago (allowed in that phase in my area at the time). My massage therapist has her own space, strictly followed all guidelines, and walked me through her sanitation process over the phone before I came in. I am in a very small town that has never been anything close to a hot spot, so I was ok with the risk level.

    9. I would not. I think the risk is just too high. I avoid ALL unnecessary contact, and while a massage is awesome, I don’t find it necessary.

    1. Yes I have one that I bought over a year ago. I like it well enough, but I am disappointed in the pay function. I love Samsung Pay because it works almost anywhere but I don’t get that same functionality with my watch. I think my watch only works at the same kind of places where Apple Pay would work. For me, the cafeteria at work takes Samsung Pay but not Apple Pay. My phone will work, but my watch will not. That’s annoying. The step counter is good enough for my use, and the sleep function is okay. Text and email and the occasional phone call work great.

    2. Have it, love it. I have gotten several compliments on it as it looks like a “real” watch in a way that the apple watch and other smart watches don’t.

      2. Yes, that’s what draws me to it – I think it looks a million times better than the Apple watch. And Anon above, I appreciate your reply as well, although I don’t really care about using Samsung pay. I think I’m going to treat myself to one when I get a new job.

        1. I’m the Anon from above. Rereading my quick reply, I’m realizing I was a little too heavy on the Pay issue. I really do like the watch – as you’ve already said it looks better than the Apple watch imho and most of the functions I use it for are fantastic. I’m clearly still using it every day more than a year later, despite the Samsung Pay! Definitely worth a treat for yourself!

  5. Kiddo just got invited to spend a week with a friend at the friend’s family’s personal beach house. I’d like to let kiddo go, but want to get a phone just in case. But a cheap phone that I won’t cry over if it gets ruined — just enough to call us if there is an emergency. Is there a good place (gas station? wal*mart?) for getting these phones? Older kiddo was due to get a phone this year, but we don’t want to rush to get that now and then have a chance that it will get lost / broken / drowned / full of sand.

    1. How old is kiddo? Do you want a smart phone for them or just the ability to make a phone call and text?

      I’d probably be looking at older iPhone models because I like a lot of the parent features on family sharing, and being able to see my kids’ locations in case of emergency (Find My iPhone is what my kids call StalkerVille.)

      You can buy them online but there’s a fair level of fraud. When my kids were old enough for phones, which for us was middle school, I bought the oldest model iPhone I could get through my Verizon plan.

      Another angle here – my wells fargo visa just started covering breakage or loss of phone if you pay your monthly bill using the visa. You might look into whether any of your credit cards cover that.

      1. Older kiddo is going into middle school and due for a phone; younger kiddo has a year to go still and we don’t want a phone for that kid yet. Kiddo has ipad that can text and do facetime, but only where there is wifi and only if someone were to figure out how to add beach wifi to it (not sure how iffy beach wifi is now; possibly no wifi while in transit anyway).

        1. Get the phone for older kid now with the agreement that younger kid gets to use it on this trip only.

    3. Oddly enough: Dollar General. They have old school flip phones that you can pay $20 for the phone and $20 for minutes good for 30 days. Kiddo can text and call only. Walmart is harder to find the non-smart phone models. I have to get these for my technology adverse parents. Works perfectly for their basic phone needs.

    4. Do you have any of your old cellphones around anywhere that you could just buy a simcard off Amazon to cover it for a month?

    5. I’d get a “dumb phone” pay as you go. You can have it on hand for the younger child for this trip and others like it. Shouldn’t cost much and easy to keep on hand for sleepovers etc.

      I’m mid 20s and this was a popular concept at my grade school. Kids who weren’t old enough to have cell phones would take the family’s cheap flip phone on class trips, trips with other families, etc. It was just meant to call the parents in an emergency but brought peace of mind! The family would have one and rotate among which kid needed it.

      1. I’m also mid-20s and this is what we did in middle school for going to sports or Academic Decathlon stuff. Usually it was a different handful of people with phones each time, too. Amazing how fast that stuff changes!

      2. Also what I did. I had a TMobile pay as you go phone from about 7th or 8th grade to 10th grade when I upgraded to a phone on my parents’ plan. I upgraded to an iPhone my first year of college, spent my summer babysitting money on buying one full price.

        My dad had a Tracfone until we finally convinced him to use my old iPhone. Then he started taking selfies. Now he tries to teach me how to edit photos and has hundreds of photos of the dog. It’s kind of hilarious.

        1. Target has a Tracfone flip phone for $10 and a 60 minute card for $20.

          Also, hilariously, my dad had better coverage than we did on Sprint in some locations (including rural locations!).

  6. So I’m not a travel person at all — like 1 domestic vacation every 18-24 months is plenty for me which is much different than my 30-40 something peers who go away 3-4 times/year, and yet now that I CAN’T travel I really want to?? I’ve been to London twice in the last decade and am sitting here dreaming about going back?? Yet I know it isn’t in the cards anytime soon with the flight risk plus who knows if the UK is even allowing Americans and even if they are if you arrive and most things are closed and/or it’s about constant masks and hand sanitizing, that’s not a fun trip anyway. To say nothing of the fact that one of my favorite parts of traveling is luxury hotels and those are out the window for a while. Anyone else dreaming of travel?? I feel like I’m mentally planning a London trip for 2022 now (because who knows how 2021 looks in terms of vaccines etc.).

    1. Yes, and planning on domestic travel this summer with international plans up in the air. There’s plenty of the US we haven’t seen yet, too!

  7. Is there a website you all use to get pictures printed and mailed to you esp specialty sizes? As a gift there’s a watercolor I’d like to buy. I’m thinking of possibly taking a picture I have from the place that I took myself printed in that same size and framing them side by side. I know back in the day CVS etc had machines to print pictures but IDK if those exist anymore, nor do I really want to go out exploring drug stores right now besides I feel like those machines only printed 1 or 2 standard photo sizes. I’m thinking — can I email the file someplace, tell them dimensions and in the mail a week or 2 later comes a poster sized picture?

    2. Wait, you want to purchase a watercolor painting from an artist/gallery, then duplicate it cheaply, then frame and hang both the original watercolor and the print side by side? If that’s the plan, please don’t do this. The artist deserves to make the money on her own work. Why not ask if she can make a print for you?

      2. I think it’s that she’s going to buy a water color of say, the Empire State building. But she wants to hang it up next to a nice printed photo she took of the Empire state building.

        Or at least I hope so

        1. that’s what I got from it. It’s a landscape watercolor. She’s going to buy it and frame an actual photo of the same landscape next to it.

        3. I agree, I think this is what she’s saying, and think it’s a neat idea!

          I’ve used mpix, shutterfly, and nations photo lab for ordering prints. Honestly, they aren’t that expensive and you could order a print from each and compare to see which you like best – that’s what I did for the wedding photo I wanted to frame (I think I ended up preferring the mpix, but it’s been a while, so I’m not 100% sure on that).

      3. I think she bought the watercolor (which depicts a specific place, like a beach) and wants to frame it next to a photo she took of the same place. I don’t think she’s trying to frame a photo of the watercolor.

      4. Haha :). I think she personally took a photo of a place/location (like a Paris street or a sunset over a lake) and wants to print it and hang it on her wall. She wants to also buy and hang the artist’s watercolor landscape of the same location next to it.

      5. Not OP, but my read is that she has a special photo from a place she fondly remembers being. And also bought a painting of the same place.

    3. Wait, are you saying that you bought an art piece as a gift, took a photo, and you want to frame the photo so that you only paid for one piece but essentially have two? That’s not really ethical and it harms the artist. Why not ask the artist for a print of the art piece (typically cheaper than an original watercolor)? Plus, since you don’t seem to have permission, most places won’t print this for you anyway. (Am hoping I misunderstood your intention and you aren’t trying to rip off an artist so please rephrase the question so we understand it and can help you!)

      1. I think it was pretty clear she bought a watercolor of Place and wants to frame it next to a photograph of Place.

        1. Yeah it was pretty obvious. Ethics aside, why would you even want a painting hanging next to a print of the same painting? That’s just weird. I can understand duplicating a painting to give to a friend or something (though I agree that it’s unethical) but what people are thinking the OP did doesn’t even make any sense.

          1. Art and others’ taste in art isn’t about sense and certainly doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else besides the person looking at it. It makes sense to me and I can see doing that type of thing in a home office where you have like a wall of photos and art.

    4. OP here — maybe I didn’t write it correctly but just to be clear, I would NOT duplicate the water color. I am buying that for full price regardless and am discussing with the artist the size I want etc. The duplication is MY own picture that I took at that same spot some years ago. So here’s my pic of x island as viewed standing on y street, here’s this water color original of x island as viewed standing on y street street — and frame them on the same wall next to each other — to see how different a water color looks from a photographic picture. All for private use in a home office so no one is making or losing money here. The reason I need a duplication at all is because a picture that’s 4×6 or whatever will look odd next to a 10×15 painting.

      1. I’ve used Shutterfly and Mixbook. They can print on a couple different media – I have canvas, metal, and acrylic prints. You can also just print a big picture; they might frame it but I haven’t used that service.

    6. Shutterfly or Snapfish are good, depending on who has the best promo at the time.

  8. Question for the younger millenials/gen z among us.

    I am increasingly concerned about real live vs social media image. The conversation about the gender reveal party kind of brought it to mind, but it just feels like a lot of life’s moments are all about the ‘gram now. Not just because we’re in isolation now, but really since everyone started having a smart phone.

    I have a lot of examples in my family, but basically all the way from the staged prom-posal to the staged engagement moment (when the couple had already agreed to get married, but the husband to be had to put together an elaborate moment to get the just-right video and photos for social media), all the showers and events leading up to the wedding, the props for the wedding to create perfect social media pics, and then all over again once babies start coming. My new niece-in-law drove everyone in her wedding party crazy with the things they had to do to create perfect pictures. But I feel like she got sucked into this because her friend group all did exactly the same thing.

    It feels kind of like not living in real moments but constantly thinking of how the moment will appear in pictures, as if you’re an actor doing a scene rather than experiencing what is actually happening. It feels like an addiction. Like some part of your brain is occupied framing every moment for how it will look on social media, so you’re always halfway disengaged from reality.

    Which is why I’m kind of concerned. I have teenagers and they are already phone obsessed, though their social media is more snapchat/tik tok /finsta than the perfect instagram world. Will they evolve to this level of obsession?

    Is there any kind of enough-is-enough backlash to all of this, and does it have any momentum?

    1. No real thoughts except that I think about this a lot when traveling (or when we used to be able to travel – back in the good old days!) The number of people lined up to take a photo of the Mona Lisa was seriously amusing to me because so many of them barely looked at the actual painting; they just wanted to take a photo.

      I don’t know what the answer is, but I try to be conscious of this and be present vs cultivating an online image.

      1. Definitely notice it when traveling. Can’t remember where I was on one of those mechanized Ferris wheels — maybe Vegas — but the ride takes about a half hour and has narration, tells you how high you are. About half way through the right I noticed that more than out of the 10 people in my cabin, at least 8 were watching the view on their 6 inch phone screens as they videoed it and took the perfect pics instead of watching it — you know — with their eyes.

      2. I didn’t even get close to the Mona Lisa because of all the photo taking – multiple poses, checking the photo, no let’s redo that one, all for a very original photo of duck lips and a peace sign next to Mona.

        And the hall of mirrors, or rather the hall of selfies, at Versailles was kind of a bummer.

    2. I’m a young-millennial (born in 92), and I have always hated this about my generation. When I was in college it was worsened by sorority life and everything had to be picture perfect and shared. Luckily I very rapidly grew out of it after college and don’t have a single social media account now other than LinkedIn. I think it is really bad to live and post every moment with the sole purpose of making your friends jealous of your life. just go enjoy looking at the mountains, eating your fancy brunch, or whatever without blasting it out to your network.
      I do think people age out of it when they settle down and get married/have kids or demanding jobs and hobbies. Ain’t nobody got time for that and you are getting fulfillment from things other than likes.
      Not everyone will though, and those people have bigger problems.

      1. My peers are old millenials — all age 35 to now turning 40 and they STILL do this. Despite having married, had kids, demanding jobs etc. You’d think they wouldn’t have time for it but they make time for it. There are IG videos of perfect children all the time and you know they are shooting those videos because it’s rare that a kid wake up from a nap looking so perfect and not having a diaper issue. And vacations — that’s 1000% about letting people know, oh yeah we went away again look at our perfect pics from the perfect island with the prefect looking family and yeah it’s NBD to go away 76 times a year because we have $$$. So maybe it changes a bit as it isn’t about prom posals and sorority life but in my crew it’s become a way to show off their money and if you’re not doing it it’s because you aren’t rich like them and/or have no life because if it isn’t documented, it didn’t happen.

        1. My friend and her many, many hashtags and chalkboard and photo montages of her kid set to music. Ok, I get it, little one got braces today. I love her but I finally unfollowed her.

      2. I’m an older millennial, and I definitely have friends who are married, settled down, with 2 kids, too busy to text, and who have highly curated, frequently updated social media feeds. It’s not everyone, but there’s definitely still a subset.

    3. I’m the poster who went to the sex reveal hosted by 22 year old parents (or as my nonnative English speaking FIL always calls it, a SEX PARTY). I’m 34, and while I feel like some of this has crept into the lives of my peers, it really seems to have taken off for the younger set. Said 22 year olds’ wedding felt like a montage of choreographed camera moments, rather than a day that happened to be documented.

      So many of these life milestones that previously might have been a picture in an album or a page in a scrapbook seem to have turned into themed events or parties with new clothing, decor, the works. I’m a high school administrator, and I worry about the standards it sets and the way it warps our perceptions and shapes our experiences– and the mounting anxiety our kids have about this constant presence of the internet. We’ve had a lot of discussions about this in education, but I’m not sure what can be done when it’s so pervasive.

      2. My daughter felt enormously pressured to post the perfect response to BLM stuff over the last few weeks. She said if she didn’t post a lot of stuff she’d be perceived as a racist by her friend group.

        She supports the movement but didn’t want to try to make it all about her, as a non-black person. I advised her to just re-post things black people had written that really resonated with her. I don’t know if this was perceived as enough in her circle, though.

        There was a honk if you support BLM thing on several busy intersections in our very liberal city. The sign holders were mostly what I think of as old hippies. Then as we kept driving we saw a 20 something couple in the more picturesque park holding their signs. The guy was taking a video of the woman marching with her sign while looking back at the camera.

        1. There’s a Twitter account called Influencers In the Wild (@influencersitw) that has been documenting that kind of thing.

    4. Born in 1990 – so almost thirty! Social media wasn’t really a thing among my peers until late high school, and I didn’t really use it till college.
      I feel like, as others have said, as you grow older you have other priorities, so social media becomes less and less important. HOWEVER, I do realize that my adolescence was mostly offline, so it’s possible that the younger generations see it as more required to have a social life. Several thoughts come to mind:

      1. There are, in fact, many people my age or younger that have minimal or no social media presence, or are just casual users. We exist! Somehow all my close friends turned out to be the kinds of people who forget to take pics at events, vs trying to constantly orchestrate photo ops. I would encourage you to remind your teens that if they’re stressed by social media, they absolutely can take a break, and that is totally OK. Their real friends will still reach out and care about them. And I think they’d be surprised how much their friends would appreciate a phone call, a letter, etc. on occasion to mix things up. They really feel special these days. :)
      2. I think there definitely is pressure to have instagram-worthy big events, and some folks feel like they have to live up to those expectations. However, many of our peers feel as you do – that it gets over-the-top, obnoxious, and self centered. There are many of my friends who have had babies and gotten married over the past five years, and many of them did not display the behavior you’re describing. I think, in this case, the obnoxious ones get the most attention. Those who are not broadcasting their lives do not, and remain un-commented-upon.
      3. I think there will definitely be a social media backlash of some kind at some point – how it presents itself, who knows? I think in many ways kids these day are much more enlightened than we were – I think we may have interesting times ahead!
      I blabbed on about all this to say, basically – there is hope! I think social media amplifies the social pressure of adolescence – the need to feel interesting, attractive, part of a group – and as well find more solid ground as adults, we find we need less of this validation.

      1. I think people may have gotten tired of it, and as I get into my mid-late 20s it’s not uncommon to see people use little or no social media.

    5. I’m a young millennial and while I know a few “wannabe influencers” they’re few and far between. Most people I know only post on occasion, but posts are almost all from vacations or other big events.

      I think expect for a specific crowd, social media use really drops off as you age.

    6. This is the same kind of thing that’s been said about every generation forever. The technology changes but the pearl clutching stays the same.

      1. I figured someone would have that reaction but that’s not the case, at least not with me. I love my kids and I’m very fond of my new niece in law, I just think she is trapped in this thing, and I want to know how to appropriately guide my kids while they still kind-of listen to me.

        1. As a parent of a teenager: kids watch what you do way more than they listen to what you say. If you aren’t whipping your phone out trying to grab the perfect Instagrammable moment at every opportunity, and then ignoring your kids while you pick the perfect filter and write the perfect caption for your post, they pick up on that. My son asked me one time, what do I do with the pictures I take of him and of other things and I said, the pictures are mostly just for me although sometimes I text one to Grandma. We are not people who are on our phones all the time; we’ve noticed that he is not on his phone all the time either. At 14 he has zero interest in social media. Maybe that will change and maybe not. I’d like to think we’ve modeled for him that in fact, you do not have to be taking pictures every minute or post the minutiae of your life to the Internet.

          The other thing I’ll say is, the harder you push them not to do something, the more they’ll want to do it. Think about modeling the behavior you hope they’ll emulate and worry less about trying to program them in a particular direction. The programming thing does not work. They’re independent individuals who exist separate from you and your concept of the world. Think about equipping them with skills on how to make good decisions for themselves, vs. telling them not to do something because you think it’s bad. The latter tends to backfire.

        2. I know you think it’s really different, but trust me, I’m sure Plato thought the same thing.

      2. While I think there can be some pearl clutching with any new technology, I’m not convinced these are baseless fears. Teens have higher anxiety, depression, and suicide rates, date less, have fewer friends, and see their friends less often than they did before the advent of smart phones– although they are getting pregnant less often since they’re having less sex! I really believe technology is shaping our life experiences in fundamental ways, not all of them good.

        1. Correlation is not causation. A LOT of things have changed in the world over the last couple of decades, not just smartphones and social media.

          1. +1 to this. And I heard all the same statistics about more suicide and social isolation (and less s*x) when I was a teen in the late 1990s/early 00s, which was before smartphones or social media were even invented, let alone widespread.

        2. I think that when I was in college, we had to much s-x. That was all the men wanted, and we, as women, had to be careful not to just do it with these college guys, b/c then we would get a reputation for being s-xed up, and then every guy would just expect it. I was in the camp that did NOT have s-x with men, but I did go out with them and did other things with/for them other then s-x. As a result, I was not the most popular, but then again I did not get s-xueal diseases or preganant, like my freind Lori did. I think in the end it’s a balance. You have to be happy in your own shoes and do only the stuff that you feel comfortable doeing.

    7. Ugh I feel this! Both my sister and sister in law are 23. Their friend groups go on outings and weekend trips with the sole purpose to take pictures for instagram. I’ve heard multiple times, “X and I are going to Nashville because there are so many great spots to take pics for insta!” A lot of people today also spend significant amounts of time online. My sister once me her screentime. She has a full time job and still spends 9 hours a day on her phone, over 4 of that on Instagram! When my sister and I go out to dinner, I always encourage us to keep our phones in our purse or build a phone tower on the table and whoever reaches for their phone during dinner has to pick up the entire tab.

      1. Omg that Nashville story is INSANE to me! And I’m in my mid 20s!

        Most people I know post on insta once a month or less, don’t have tiktok, rarely use Snapchat. Even the very pretty, very “popular” people I’ve known don’t post more than that. I know a handful of people who want to be influencers / bloggers but really everyone else is not a big social media user. There is hope!!!!

      2. I’m OP. My niece in law’s bachelorette was held in a instagram-worthy spot and that was part of driving everyone crazy. I don’t think anyone actually had fun, but the pictures are lovely.

      3. If people want to go somewhere just to take a picture, who cares? That’s not even a new thing–Route 66 is basically a long collection of kitchsy spots for low res family photos and has been for decades.

    8. The worst one I’ve seen is new mom I know staged an elaborate return to work photo with flowers from her husband. She was unemployed. It was very awkward.

      Honestly, I think the best advice I could give young people is that social media does more harm than good. It’s very rare that I see anything on social media that makes me respect a person more or more inclined to hire a person. I think young people should be rightly concerned that many of the things they do on social media may be limiting their options in the future.

      I have multiple clients under the age of 30 who hire me (or whose parents hire me) to deal with the legal implications of what they’ve been allegedly doing on social media, one particular young person was expelled from college in two weeks of moving to college for his first year due to his alleged actions. Sit your kids down and tell them to stop living for the approval of others and to value their own privacy. Also talk to them about what is and isn’t okay to do on social media and what is a crime.

        1. I stopped by to bring her a coffee and they said she hadn’t worked there in over a year. Very awkward. I felt bad for the husband.

          I’m older now and realize she was a new mom (like I was) and clearly not doing all that well. Or maybe a pathological liar. Who knows. Anyway, I don’t talk to her anymore.

    9. Young Gen X and have a lot of opinions about this.

      There are a lot of things that do change with time (not just technology, but, for example, college admissions changed radically, the value of a degree, the way kids interact with each other). You cannot always transplant your childhood onto the new generation and then ask why it doesn’t work.

      But some things DON’T change. It all existed in our time, but it took a different form: some people were all about the show, all about the pictures and the opulence, all about being able to look down on people who did things differently or weren’t quite as glam. Entire friend groups got sucked into this. The wedding-industrial complex has been around for decades, making people miserable with insane expectations. And the advice still stands: if your friends are going to look down on you for not being glam enough, they aren’t your friends.

      My solidly Gen X older sister and boomer parents are the worst about this. They aren’t heavy social media users, but that doesn’t stop the raging superficiality and desire to put on a show. My Millennial sister insisted on being prom-posed to. (Yes, they call it a “prom-posal.”) Same nonsense, different generation.

      1. I think this is a good perspective. I remember reading Theophrastus’s Characters the first time and realizing that not only are the stereotypes about people recognizable, but the modes of complaining about people haven’t changed much either!

      2. I was thinking this too, young Gen X as well and when I saw the Mona Lisa in the 90s there were tons of people with film cameras taking photos, my friends all had weddings that involved tons of photos (that no one ever saw because no social media), etc. it just takes a different form but people be people

    10. I’m an old millennial (1984) and me and most of my friends have young kids. I know people like this, but it’s not universal. I think a lot of people have mellowed out about social media since becoming moms. While there’s definitely a small subset that is going the wannabe mommy bl*gger route with constant staged pics of their family, most people seem to have less time and patience for perfect social media moments now that we have young kids to chase around. I put myself in the latter group. I used to post photo albums from every vacation we took and now with kids I just don’t have time to stage perfect shots – I would rather be soaking up the time with my family, which is much better. It’s a little cringey looking back at my Facebook albums – my photos are nice and I’m glad I have them but the “highlight reel” feels a bit braggy, and sometimes looking at them dredges up unflattering memories. Like we went on this one tropical vacation, I bought this dress I loved but then it photographed really horribly and when I see those photos I remember getting frustrated about how the photos were coming out and feeling ugly and just being in a really bad mood when I should have been enjoying this beautiful vacation.
      (Although I will say that my parents were serious amateur photographers who obsessed over their vacation photos in the 1980s/90s and got in more than one big fight because a photo op got messed up, so I’m not sure that’s JUST a social media thing. It was actually more stressful before digital cameras because you had a finite number of tries to get the shot right and you didn’t get to see the photo results immediately. I definitely remember photography adding quite a bit of stress to our family vacations.)

      1. all of this. I am also an older millenial, and social media weren’t a thing when I was in school, but then became one in college. It was all exciting for a while, posting some pics and getting the likes. Most people I know lost interest at some point, or had kids and decided that their whole childhood shouldn’t be on the internet. To some extent, it’s a phase, I think.

      2. I went the other direction and just never took photos. I wanted to be in the moment. And I was, and it was good! But now I kind of wish I had more photos to help me remember.

        1. Yeah I still take photos for the memories, they are just more likely to be poorly lit iPhone photos that will help me remember but that I would never want to frame or post on social media.

    11. Not sure if I’m a young millennial or not but I think your concern is very well founded. Insta wasn’t a thing for me until after college, and I will never do Tik tok, snapchat, or twitter. Facebook was huge when I was in HS, less so now. I have to actively question sometimes, do I really want to do this thing, or do I just want to show off on insta? What helps me is to go social media free for a while. I think younger teens are very cognizant of the power of social media, I’m optimistic as they mature they will actively choose to cut it out of their lives. That’s what I’ve noticed with my younger siblings and cousins. Also, FWIW, the “cool” kids from my HS are completely off of social media these days.

    12. I actually think it will be fine. I have teen nieces and they are all sort of over all things the ‘old people’ use. Looking done or posed is frowned upon, etc. granted, it’s still curated but I think the pull is a more authentic direction. And yes to this always being a thing on some level.

    13. I’m on the line of millenial and gen z, and I don’t really understand this concern, though I’ve heard it many times.

      Personally, I love photography. I have since long before I had a smartphone or social media. I travel and go hiking specifically to places that I want to take photos because I enjoy the artistic aspect of it. I am “in the moment”, it’s just that the moment, for me, is taking the photo (and later, editing it and discussing shots ad nauseum with my photography group). That’s the part I love and why I went to the trouble of huffing up a mountain or whatever. Some people enjoy hiking or experiencing tourist destinations primarily and take photos secondarily, for scrapbooks or posterity (or not at all). I’m the reverse–it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the experience, just that I really enjoy photography.

      I know for some people, it’s less about art and more about social media engagement. You post the pictures, you pick the perfect filters and hashtags, you interact with people about the experience. Is that a bad thing? I’m too young to have experienced it first hand, but my understanding is that people used to make their relatives sit through projected vacation slideshows after a big trip. Some of my older relatives make scrapbooks for everything, and I honestly think they enjoy making and sharing the scrapbooks as much or more than whatever the books were about. People have always gone to tourist traps (and paid $$$ and waited in lines) just so they could say they were there (which is essentially what a smartphone photo of the Mona Lisa is). People used to do a lot more fussing and making things just-so for portraits, group photos, and big events, it’s just easier now so there are more trends around it.

      I don’t think posting on social media means you’re not in reality. Like it or not, the internet is part of reality. Maybe you want to just go to a museum and not mess with photos, your mom wants to make sure you get a group photo for the memories, your cousin is taking some sort of artistic shot of light on a staircase that no one else cares about, and your kid is making a tiktok and telling her friends about the museum. Is any of those things an inherently more “right” way to enjoy the experience? By all means, don’t rope in people who don’t want to participate, but someone else intentionally having a different experience than you is not “like an addiction”.

      If you’re concerned that you or your kid is getting too obsessed with the phone, that’s legitimate and it can be good to set boundaries or take a break. Social media, like any social activity, can become toxic. You can decide how much you want to share and (unlike with slideshows of yore) how much you want to engage with what other people share. If you’re not big into it at all, more power to you. But there’s a lot of room between “minimal social media” and “obsession/addiction”, and I think it’s ok that people enjoy that middle ground.

    14. I am older, so not really answering your questions, just chiming in on the general subject. I don’t take many pictures, even on international vacations. I know that is unpopular, but I really prefer to just enjoy the trip and take in the views. Not long ago I read a report of a study that says people who do this actually have deeper memories of the experiences than those who take pictures, so I am sticking with it. I would be similarly concerned about kids growing up now. I mean, I sat in a great bar/lounge next to two couples on a double date and the women spent most of their time taking pics of each other (but mostly the better looking one) and the men were just sitting there. How is that enjoyable for anyone? I guess the prettier woman fed her vanity, but the rest?

    15. Last summer my 17 year old cousin tried to get us to all come to a luau, which was clearly designed just for the Insta opportunities, and she wanted us all to pose with fake mai tais, etc. She got her feelings hurt about something (….I think it was that my brother took the toddler Hawaiian shirt off my dog, actually, because my dog was miserable) and my mom walked downstairs to see her crying in various poses and taking selfies. So…yes. everything in her life is for the photo opportunities and it’s SO ANNOYING. She lost her dog recently and got the ~perfect photo~ of her climbing up a cliff to rescue the dog, somehow looking perfectly sporty and put together. :|

      She also has a note in her phone with “inspirational” captions to put on her “artsy” photos, always with stupid emoji additions. “Dreams are a wish your heart makes (heart emoji in specific colors)” with a photo of her standing on her car. “The sun comes out on the darkest days” with her looking away, thoughtfully, in front of a grey background. Her entire life revolves around social media, and so when she’s not connected she has absolutely NO other interests. She refuses to do anything that won’t be result in a photo op, she won’t go anywhere without connectivity, and she won’t do anything that will make her look not-presentable. It’s really fun traveling with her…..she only wants to go to the sites where she can take the best photo, posed perfectly, with the perfect lighting, etc.

      She also has a finsta, and a real finsta because her finsta ALSO has an aesthetic that’s different from her NORMAL insta aesthetic. Freaking ridiculous.

  10. To the woman in the morning thread who was in Chicago dealing with fertility issues- I am also in Chicago and in the same boat and feeling similarly alone. I didn’t get around to reading the thread until a bit late, but I wrote that if you’d like to chat, just include an e m ail. No pressure if you’d rather not. Just know you aren’t alone.

  11. Has anyone designed (or redesigned) an engagement ring? I have a very simple 1 ct emerald-cut diamond and the original platinum setting keeps snagging on things — thinking of trying to redesign my own with a local jeweler, maybe with baguettes or a halo.

    1. Yes! It is so so so much fun. Do it! Definitely try to find a reputable local jeweler with a “full bench”, where they’re doing the work there instead of sending it out.

      Look at the stuff in their cases and try it on to see if their work is to your taste. Try a lot of rings on because you can’t know how they will look and feel on your hand until you put them on. Take your time.

      It turns out I like a flat design, almost like a band, where when I run my hand over my ring I don’t feel anything sticking out. There are a lot of beautiful designs you can do that don’t stick up and snag things. I’m so happy I did it. I get 100% more enjoyment of my ring this way.

  12. Paging LEEP poster: not all drs disclosure the possibility that the procedure can ruin sex. I think more women should be told about that risk before consenting.

    2. I was late to the morning thread, but I wanted to say that my LEEP procedure was not great. The doctor was definitely a big part of that – she was a very cold woman who didn’t warn me before something painful happened and then scolded me for flinching. I had a ride home, luckily – I couldn’t have driven, probably. I took the rest of the day off and laid in bed, and I was mostly fine the next day.

  13. Has anyone flown for the purpose of visiting family yet? What was flying like? Were you comfortable with your decision afterwards or did you regret it?

    1. I haven’t, but my in-laws flew to visit us. They say everyone wore masks and they felt pretty safe. We hadn’t seen them in over a year, which is long for us, so we were glad we were able to visit. It was a non-stop flight between two places that aren’t hotspots, and no one got sick (they returned home more than 14 days ago).

    2. I flew three weeks ago and it was great. Everyone was wearing masks, the middle seats were all empty, and it was so much easier and more pleasant the whole time because there were many fewer people. I would imagine as time goes on there will be more people flying, but I think airlines are still not filling all seats, at least for now.

        2. Jetblue is doing this (not allowing middle seats to be booked, unless you’re traveling as a family I think).

        3. American. I don’t know that all the middle seats were empty. They focused specifically on the mask requirements, but they said that was enforced very well and people were complying.

          1. Oh sorry I misread this, I’m the one that posted about my in-laws above and thought the question was directed to me. Nevermind!

  14. How are you celebrating Juneteenth this year? Do you have the day off work? We do at my workplace, and in an effort to help everyone recognize the significance of the day, we’re participating in workshops today to educate everyone on the history and meaning of the day.
    My family wouldnt usually celebrate the day (we’re not Black) but I think we’re going to spend some time enjoying music, barbecuing outside. I’m ready for a little joy-as-rebellion, as all conversations about Black people have been really tough lately in our house. We’ll get back to the capital W work, but tomorrow we’ll also stream music from our favorite Black artists (a lot of Burna Boy over here)and enjoy the sunshine and celebrate.

    1. I’m not. It feels appropriative? I’m not black, I’ve never celebrated, and I’m not sure I deserve to? I’m open to different views on this but barbecuing feels a lot like drinking margaritas on cinco de Mayo.

      1. +1 this feels super weird and appropriative to me too (I’m white, fwiw). I don’t have the day off work, so it will be a normal work day for me (which in 2020 is half work, half childcare) but if I had the day off I would spend it reading and reflecting, not BBQing and listening to black musicians.

        1. I’m not questioning your intentions, but would you actually spend the day reading and reflecting if you had it off? I don’t think barbecuing and listening to music is inappropriate. Acknowledging the day and talking about what it signifies are not mutually exclusive with a joyful activity rather than a penitent one.

          1. It just doesn’t signify anything to me. I’ve never heard of it until this year. I’m all for observing it just feels incredibly off to roll up as a white person and use it as a day for fun music and bbq.

      2. +1 It feels opportunistic to do anything on the date because all of this unrest happens to align with it. I bet if this were October by the time June 19 rolled around people would be doing absolutely nothing.

        All I can say is, any company or person making a statement about observing it this year sure as heck better do the same in 2021 and beyond.

    2. My clients both have the day off, which honestly surprised me. I’ve seen a couple of articles about different companies giving the day off, but thought it was mostly for the publicity and to show that they were doing something. Didn’t realize it had become a “thing”. My company does not have the day off so I will spend the day working.

    3. I believe it is perfectly acceptable for all people who are racialized to gather and be thankful for the resilience of our people in overcoming genocide, slavery, torture and colonization.

      Husband is white and I take no issue with his extended family celebrating with us.

      If a group of all white people wanted to celebrate Juneteenth I wouldn’t care. I think it might be a good time to contact a local grassroots organization serving Black communities and give them money or ask them what I need and provide that. Another good idea is to pick up some books on Black history written by Black people and drop them off in free libraries.

      It is also a good time to think about the fact that there are more people living in slavery today than ever before and what we can do about that.

      1. I love this, I think it makes sense. I think the point about considering slavery today is good, and whatever bbq you do should definitely be associated with an action like the ones you listed. The fun doesn’t have to go away, but it should also involve something , . actually helpful.

    4. My husband and I (mid-thirties, raised in super-liberal Bay Area but we don’t participate in social media and work in conservative industries) just learned what Juneteenth is this past weekend. So if you had no idea, you’re not alone.

      1. I’m in the Bay Area and knew about it. Mainly because I once got stuck trying to drive through an area with closed streets due to Juneteenth so now its more on my radar.

        But as a white person – well, a hefty % Native American but I “pass” and was raised as a white person – I don’t think it’s my holiday to celebrate.

        I can’t imagine my black friends want me to do anything about Juneteenth, to be honest. It would feel ridiculous and appropriative to do so.

    5. I work in local government and we found out earlier this week that we’re now off for Juneteenth, which I’m glad about. I actually think that Juneteenth should be a national holiday and I’m glad that my city is taking the lead. I think that observing days like Juneteenth legitimizes the cause. As a young woman in a VERY male dominated field I’ve recently been thinking about things that can / should be done to legitimize my existence in this field and I think the concept of equal treatment (or sometimes even performative actions) help legitimize those who are less represented. We have holidays that are in honor of significant historical events or people in the US. Adding Juneteenth as a holiday legitimizes the impact of Juneteenth in history. (Though I’ve recently learned how few private sector employers are off for MLK, Presidents Day, Columbus/Indigenous Peoples Day, and Veterans Day which i think is a shame)

      However, as a white person I am not doing anything specific to celebrate, as it would feel appropriative to me.

    6. I don’t have it off but I take it off every year anyway to participate in the local parade, family carnivals, volunteering, etc that happens here. But I’m also a black woman in Texas so no would dares say anything because it is a very relevant holiday for my culture and region.

    7. Ok I understand the inappropriateness feeling of whites but as Texan of African decent who has celebrated her entire, it is a JOYOUS holiday. Down here we have parades, BBQ and cookouts, lectures on history at the local college, community health fairs. Please celebrate the same way you would July 4th as it is a holiday celebrating FREEDOM!

      Black history is American history and as an American you should celebrate. If you want to take a moment to remark on the purpose of the holiday before chowing down (my family is religious so we do this in the prayer before serving) to make it feel more respectful, go right ahead. But please celebrate, it is not a day of reflection or mourning for the most part.

    8. My Biglaw law firm announced we have it off. Honestly, my first thought was about having another day to tackle house projects, possibly see about just taking a drive. I knew what Juneteenth was, but only because I stumbled on a festival that blocked a street I had intended to drive down for a few errands. I noted what the festival was about because I was annoyed at being inconvenienced for a few minutes.

      I think it’s a good look and a easy thing to do right now when work is maybe not quite as busy for a lot of people. I think it would be a good move for a company to make Juneteenth a holiday, along with Election day. Stop giving Columbus day off.

    9. We have tickets for an online event for music & poetry. I am also ordering takeout from a local black-owned restaurant.

    10. Much like Memorial Day, I don’t think this is a day to kick back and celebrate, I think it’s a day to think about what others lost that the day is meant to honor and acknowledge. I think it’s a day to increase education and to share knowledge. Since this date is new for many, it would likely be most helpful to better educate yourself and to share what you learn with those in your circle via social media or conversations via phone or with those at home. Right now, the world isn’t hurting for a reason to barbecue. Right now, the world is hurting for less ignorance and more activism and support.

      If you are going to spend the day making it about joy, make it about Black joy. Listen to music from Black people as a way to honor the heritage (as in doing some research or playing intentional playlists, not just any current or recent artist who is simply a Black person). Prepare food from Black culture and research their importance.

      That said, if you were a Black person, I’d say to celebrate it however you wanted, because right now is a time for non-Black people to be getting educated and becoming more mindful and more vocal in support of, not seeing hard-fought Black situations as a reason to take a break and celebrate as if there isn’t work to be done and as if any of us have done anything to earn a break in the same way.

    11. Much like Memorial Day, I don’t think this is a day to kick back and celebrate, I think it’s a day to think about what others lost that the day is meant to honor and acknowledge. I think it’s a day to increase education and to share knowledge. Since this date is new for many, it would likely be most helpful to better educate yourself and to share what you learn with those in your circle via social media or conversations via phone or with those at home. Right now, the world isn’t hurting for a reason to barbecue. Right now, the world is hurting for less ignorance and more activism and support.

      If you are going to spend the day making it about joy, make it about Black joy. Listen to music from Black people as a way to honor the heritage (as in doing some research or playing intentional playlists, not just any current or recent artist who is simply a Black person). Prepare food from Black culture and research their importance.

      That said, if you were a Black person, I’d say to celebrate it however you wanted, because right now is a time for non-Black people to be getting educated and becoming more mindful and more vocal in support of, not seeing hard-fought Black situations as a reason to take a break and celebrate as if there isn’t work to be done and as if any of us have done anything to earn a break in the same way.

  15. Gray hair question! I am starting to have some. And it’s not coming in like a cool gray streak a la Stacy from What Not To Wear as I imagined, but as just fuzzy random strays at my temples. Add to this that I desperately need a haircut and my now very long hair just looks a frizzy shapeless mess. NYC will be in phase 2 of reopening next week but I don’t know when I’m getting haircut.

    The last time I dyed it at home it was a big mess. Anyone have any easy solutions? I am thinking of something like a color gloss shampoo that could blend the stray grays until I can get to a hairdresser? Would love some recommendations.

    1. It’s hard to cover grays at home (or at least unpredictable). I don’t think a color gloss shampoo will do it. You can try Overtone, which is supposedly temporary, but it’s unpredictable too. If you decide not to cover it at home, keeping your hair straightened will make the grays look more silvery and sleek.

    2. I have Evo color gloss, and it’s simple to use – I think they describe it as color-enhancing conditioner. (I have the copper color, since my hair is reddish, and it looks natural to me. Lasts about a week or two.)

    3. So, so much of the problem is texture! Moisturize the heck out of it and I think you’ll be much less bothered. I even sorta like my whites now that their texture is the same as my browns.

      1. Ooh – I think you’re right. What do you use? Mine are at the sides so it looks very greasy if I use the hair stuff I use on my ends. And I’m hopeless at straightening it so that’s unlikely to happen.

        1. Hope you’re going to see this–I’m about to get very specific!

          My whites are similarly placed (mostly around the crown). I use Carol’s Daughter “hair milk light” straight out of the shower and then wrap it up in a pillow case–the lack of nap helps avoid frizz, meaning don’t use a towel. Then I follow with Garnier “sleek and shine” leave-in conditioning cream scrunched through everywhere. I used to use Lush “R&B” hair moisturizer, but tried the Garnier as a cheap grocery store alternative and actually like it better. (Fewer grease issues.) My last step is pomade, as I have a pixie.

          Most of the time, I wash with a “cleansing conditioner” alone. (I recently discovered Wen, which cancels out all the savings above!) I only shampoo maybe once a week, followed by conditioner. I’m convinced that any ol’ shampoo/conditioner combo is fine for those days.

          This looks high-maintenance when written out, but compared to dyeing over my whites it’s easy-peasy and super cheap. Good luck!

  16. I know it’s late in the day, so I will maybe have to try again tomorrow but WHAT in the world are WFH moms doing with their kids this summer?

    I have an elementary school and a high schooler. They will leave me alone to work if I let them stay on games/tv all day, but after 2 weeks of that I need a better option. I’ve assigned them reading and book reports, math practice and chores. This takes maybe 2-3 hours tops.

    Are there good virtual camps? Other ideas I’m just missing?

    1. Can the high schooler take the other one to the park, pool, for a bike ride, to get ice cream, etc? I did all of this as a high school summer nanny. Maybe they get all the tablet time until lunch and then 1-5 is “camp” for the little one and work, paid, for the older?

    2. My high schooler is taking an on-line summer school course through her school and another through CTY at Johns Hopkins. Until those start, I’ve been giving her a list of things to do every morning and keeping all her devices until she accomplishes them. I find that if she starts off the day with non-screen activities, she doesn’t get quite as mesmerized by the screens even when she gets them back later in the day. I have also been allowing her to plan and execute elaborate craft and baking projects that we would never have been able to deal with during the Before Times.

      Last summer, she kept very busy as a mother’s helper for a relative. Can you make your older one responsible for screen-free, active entertainment of the younger one for a couple of hours every day?

      Depending on age, this could be the perfect time for SAT prep.

      1. Thanks! I think having the older one help out with the younger one for a couple of hours and then having both do some reading/math/test prep for a couple of hours will get us through a good chunk of the day!

    3. Dual WFH family here, 9YO and 5YO. School ended earlier this week so it’s family camp for the rest of the summer.
      We have split the day. I wake up at the crack of dawn to get some solid work time in. DH is The Parent until 9a. At that point I have put in a half day which makes me less stabby for the rest of the day.
      9-11 is summer packet chores and physical jerks. Yes, I made a summer packet for each kid bc the school didn’t and I needed some non electronic learning. In this period I am The Parent.
      Family lunch and then one hour (or more depending on behavior) of in-your-room quiet time. Kids read or play quietly. Mom and dad work like maniacs.
      Afternoon is a crapshoot, depending on weather and meetings. If I can, I work outside and let the kids play. If they’ve done their packet and chores, they get some ipad time. Movies and tv are frequently employed and I have spent a small fortune on new books. We are hoping that we’ll be able to trade off afternoons of taking the kids to the pool soon.
      Reality is somewhat less regimented than this looks, bc my meeting schedule is at the mercy of everyone else at my company and phone calls come out of the blue for both of us.
      I have no idea how this is really going to work so YMMV.

    4. Thanks! I think a combo of having the older one be a mother’s helper and then both doing academics will kills at least a good chunk of the day :)

    5. I have two kids, age 9 and 11. They have to stay off electronics from 9 am – 2 pm. During that time they do some academic work, something creative (coloring, painting, etc.), exercise, read, and clean. When all their required things are finished, they have to find something non-electronic to do until 2 p.m. Then they can be on electronics until I finish working at 5 p.m. Then we usually have dinner, play cards or a game, and walk the dog. Honestly, they get bored but they are figuring out ways to play together and to also entertain themselves alone. They have taught themselves to cook simple things like scrambled eggs and bake sweets!

    6. Our 6 year old has now done 2 weeks of virtual LEGO camp and has enjoyed it. My husband is currently a SAHD so I can’t speak to how intense it is for him, but it at least occupies my son and he does better with it than he did virtual school. That being said he is also obsessed with legos, so YMMV.

      We also signed him up for some outdoor camps later in the summer that were still open, but got some of the last spots.

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