Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Chloh Ribbed Knit Dress

287 Comments

1. Sorry for the early morning rant, but this is making me crazy.

   I have a staff member who just cannot get herself to work. If she feels slightly bad, she calls in sick. She has run through all of her sick leave and all of her allotted vacation time for the year (on a fiscal year running August-July) already. She refuses to drive in what she perceives as bad weather (we had freezing rain on Friday – it really was mostly rain – everyone else came to work, she didn’t). She’s now at the point where her time off is all without pay but it seems to make no difference to her. She tries to cajole me into letting her make up time but I don’t trust her to be here on the weekends and actually come in and get work done.

   The thing is, I know her time is short. Her job is being downsized next month. HR has told me to halt any disciplinary action against her. But for now, she is making me nuts. How can grown people behave this way? Oh, and she’s also the first person to scream that she’s being treated badly and deserves more pay and a better job. I’m sure I will take the blame for her job being downsized. At least by her. It makes me tired.

   1. The first thing I thought was, anxiety disorder. Even if she puts up some kind of slacker/entitled/victim front, it could very well be covering up serious problems. I definitely understand why she’s driving you crazy right now, but think of how bad her position is compared to yours. She’s soon going to be out of a job in a matter of weeks, and whatever issue she has will definitely follow her into unemployment and future jobs (if and when she can get them). Let her blame you if she’s going to–it’s nothing in the grand scheme, and you can’t do anything about it anyway.

      The only action I can see for you is avoiding serving as a reference for her, if that comes up.

      1. I am very sympathetic to the situation with my staff. They don’t make enough money and their status sucks. She has no idea that her position is being downsized. She will get decent severance. I don’t know how she could get another job. I will not serve as a reference for her. I would never agree to serve as a reference for someone I could not recommend. She has caused me so many headaches and stress for years. I am at the end of my rope.

         1. I agree. Totally different situation, but I once let a nanny go, not for cause, but there were enough issues with her that I could not give her a real reference. (The only reference I could give started with “If you do not care if she is ever on time, she is a good caregiver”). IMO it’s wrong to give a reference that someone else will rely on, if you don’t think the person can do the job.

            1. Providing a negative reference is a good way to be sued by the former employee. That’s why many workplaces now won’t even provide references; only confirm the employee’s dates of employment.

            2. Why do we even check references anymore? Nobody feels like they can be honest so why bother?

   2. Or, you know, she could actually be sick? Off the top of my head, I can think of so many invisible illnesses that are debilitating and that could actually be affected by the weather. Arthritis, allergies, migraines, depression, anxiety, etc. Actually, stick all autoimmune disorders here.

      I just really hope if there is someone in the office who behaves like OP’s staff, a thissite manager would work to address the issue instead of getting annoyed/angry.

      1. But she also won’t come in when the weather is bad and everyone else makes it.

      2. I have worked with her and have worked with her in conjunction with HR. Attendance is only one of the issues. And yes, anxiety and depression are problems. But any attempts at remediation of the issues are met with anger and defensiveness. The weather issues are about anxiety about driving, not about her health.

      3. She has to be able to do the job duties, though. If she is sick, but cannot perform the job duties, she should not have the job. It doesn’t sound like she’s trying to make any accommodations or be proactive about the situation at all. I can be sympathetic to someone that is sick, but its not a bottomless excuse.

         1. Her illnesses are always something different. There are times when she’s had something more major (like a back injury) but she has steadfastly refused to sign FMLA papers when it’s been suggested by HR. If it were a chronic illness, I would be much more sympathetic. Then again, I know that depression and anxiety are chronic illnesses. But you’re right, she is not at all proactive. She just says she’s entitled to take her leave however she wants, even if all of her vacation time is taken as unplanned leave.

      4. If she has an illness that would require disability, it’s her responsibility to handle that instead of asking everyone to psychically anticipate her needs. No one can accommodate special needs if you don’t tell them about it.

      5. yeah, this made me pretty sad to read. I don’t blame OP, she sounds like she’s genuinely frustrated by the situation, but it seems so much like what I went through before being let go.

         I sometimes had to take off work to care for my husband who is ill, and many other times I had my own appointments for therapy or whatever that I had to take off half a day and work from home because the clinic was so far.

         I understand that in this case the OP sounds like she’s tried to work with the employee, but it is always my fear that this is how I’m seem when I utilized sick time and other PTO to deal with bereavement or health issues: like a slacker. I wasn’t given cause when I was fired at my last job, but I fear that my personal issues over the last year (DH’s sickness, two deaths in the family, and my time in therapy trying to deal with it all) were why they let me go.

         1. I’m so sorry. But trust me, this isn’t the only issue. She is not at all productive even when she’s here. Wastes a lot of time on Facebook and craigslist. If she were truly present and working when she was here, it wouldn’t be nearly the problem that it is. Part of why she’s being downsized is that I no longer have enough of the work she is doing to make a full-time job. She knows that and just wastes a lot of time. If she were at all flexible about her work, I could give her other things to do, but she thinks some work is beneath her, or will agree to do work, then not do it.

         2. Hey OP, I totally understand your position. I’m sure you and your company have good reason to let go of this particular employee. But I definitely feel for people in anonforthis’s position (posting at 12:23).

   3. This sounds just like my sister who has depression/ocd/anxiety issues. She is late to work all the time. She was forced to resign from one job before because of it and even though she loves her new job, she just can’t get there on time every day. She tries and she takes medication, but so far she hasn’t been able to get it under control. I worry about her literally all the time.

      1. Yeah, I see similarities here with someone I know. I understand why it is very frustrating to the OP and co-workers. But my heart sank a little for her when I heard she is being fired next month. Obviously, she’s got problems.

         You also reminded me why I absolutely HATE managing people, and that I need to fire my father’s caregiver for being late every.single. week….. and how I will dread when she asks me for a reference.

   4. This sounds incredibly frustrating!! Is there any way you can reduce the amount of work you give her so her absences dont impact you as much? Regardless, good luck getting through the next month with her!

   5. I used to work with a person like this — she’d leave work on half days at least once every two weeks and burned through her sick time in the first two months. I don’t think she had any underlying illnesses — she just didn’t want to be there. It was like the rest of us were working for our health and she just didn’t feel like putting in her 40 hours a week. And she, too, was the first person to complain we weren’t getting paid enough (and refused to drive in the rain). Wait, she might be the same person!

   6. yeah, I get what Godzilla is saying, and I feel for her, especially since she’s about to lose her job. But it’s also unfair to everyone else who works there, who comes to work, and does their jobs, to have someone else get a free pass and get to make up hours on the weekend without working. Especially when she’s been trying to get away with not working for years. I am sympathetic, I also struggle with anxiety, but if after years of this she’s not willing to work through it and try to do her job, I don’t see why she should get to keep getting paid to not do it. That’s not fair to everyone else.

      To the OP, I think since you’ve got a month left, you just have to play Zen master and breathe through it as long as you can. :o( It is not a fun position to be in at all, I’m sorry!!

   7. Normally, I really feel for people in tricky medical situations. But this woman sounds like she’s been given options as well as opportunities to discuss accommodations, and it doesn’t sound like she’s done much to meet her employer halfway. I agree with your HR; halt action and let her be downsized. Yeah, she probably blame you, but if others see her work ethic they’ll get it.

      1. You said it far more delicately than I would have. I have a very hard time feeling anything other than what the OP feels about people like this. If you are really sick, then be an adult and deal with it and communicate said appropriately. This person sounds like a drama queen slacker who is working the system. First unemployment, then welfare, etc.

   8. Most people can see the writing on the wall when a layoff is coming. Maybe she figures she should do whatever she wants because she is getting canned anyway. Maybe she is taking off time to actually interview for new jobs because she is equally miserable working there. Or maybe she just sucks but you will be done with her soon so there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

   9. If she refuses to show up, and is out of paid leave, you can fire her early for attendance problems.

2. Yay! Splurge Monday’s! I love this dress, Cat, but can’t go into Bloomie’s — they have the guard’s lookeing out for me b/c of my shoe incident. FOOEY! But I recomend this dress to the HIVE–it meet’s all of my requirement’s — Warm, and NOT low cut, so FRANK would NOT like it. YAY!

   What a weekend I had! Myrna and I went to the Natural History museum where she took a picture of ME next to an elephant, and sent it to Sam and some other freind’s of our’s. Dad got ahold of it and said to me that he was NOT sure who was who? FOOEY on him. It is easy to tell the diference. Sam said he would onley date one of the elephant’s which I think is a compelement, but I am not sure. Then, guess who jump’s out of the woodwork? I get a package in the mail of cat litter, and it’s from FRED. Fred says he was thinkeing of me and that mabye I could use this if I don’t have a cat to get a car out of the parkeing spaces on the upper east side! I do not even have a car, so I gave it to Myrna. FOOEY on him for thinking of me like cat poo! FOOEY!

   Myrna says he is tryeing to get back in my good graces. But why? I will NOT marry him and I will not waste alot of time on looser’s who stare at other girl’s. Mabye he should send it to to Lynn, tho I think she is now dateing Mason.

   The judge also called to ask if he could send his nephew over to eat with me. I met him once and he has a deli, but not in Manhattan. I am a city girl, not interested in Brookleyn or Queen’s. Ed has another guy for me. I think Rosa is makeing him find them for me but I said I did NOT want to get the bottom of the barell from Merrill Lynch. I do NOT need to date another Wolf of Wall Street, tho Leonard DeKaprio I think I could date if his breathe was fresh.

   Anyway, my tuchus is getting smaller from all the walking this weekend so even Dad cannot yell at me! YAY!!!!!

   1. What sort of slip would you wear with this dress? Mine are sheath-dress cut (so they can extend sheath dresses into tights-wearing season), but I think the flippiness of the skirt would expose the slip at some point. Help! It is very cute, but I can’t see how to get it out of my closet except during a perfect weather day.

      1. I wouldn’t wear a slip with this.

3. Ladies, I’ve been seeing some women wearing what look like the tall Hunter boots but are more slender and tailored in the calf area and thus (to my view) more flattering. Does anyone know where I can find something like that?

   1. also, would prefer something in the under-$100 range.

   2. I have the Sandhurst Carlyle hunters – they are quite narrow and have a very sleek silhouette (for rain boots). Perhaps that is what you are looking for?

      1. very cute! any ideas on less expensive options?

   3. I have the kid size Hunter boots (the Hunter Youth Original) and they are tighter in the calves. They’re a little shorter than the regular Hunters, which works perfectly for me (I’m only 5’0), and they have reflectors in the back (which I don’t mind). They’re also only $75 full price, which is much less than regular hunters. I wear a size 6.5/7 in women’s and I was a size 5 in youth (they go up to a size 6 in youth sizes, which would fit up to a women’s 8). I LOVE them. Wore them to commute to the office today, in fact.

4. Immediate TJ: I bought this blazer from Old Navy this weekend (navy stripes) http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?vid=1&pid=938947002

   This is great for my casual office, but is outside of my comfort zone, so I am having a hard time coming up with anything to wear with it other than solid color t-shirts. What would you ladies wear with this blazer? TIA!!

   1. Could you wear over a dress? Something navy? Red might be too nautical.

   2. I would wear it with just about any coordinating color. Blue oxford button-down under a magenta sweater w/ blazer. Navy/teal, navy/orange, navy/lime green. I would say as long as whatever is underneath is simply solid colored, you’re good to go. Navy sweater, that blazer & yellow cords. Or green cords. I would pair it with something fairly bold underneath.

   3. That is so cute! Wear it with a bright green! I also think that could be good for pattern mixing since it is pretty simple. Perhaps a polka dot? Or a liberty floral?

      1. Green is always the correct answer.

   4. For tops, I would wear with any color solid tee shirt, light sweater, blouse, button down or dress. I would also wear with a 2-color print that is white and something else or navy and something else, or a 3-color print that is white and navy and another color. For bottoms, I would wear with navy, a lighter tan/khaki/camel, or jeans. I would also wear with brightly colored pants or pencil skirts, but then I would either coordinate the top with the skirt, or wear a navy and/or white top with the colored bottoms.

5. I love this dress. Love love love.

6. I just got contacts, and I CANNOT GET THEM IN MY EYES. It took me like thirty minutest his morning! Any suggestions? And now I’m at work, and one of them is killing me. I don’t have any contact solution, and I don’t really want to take it out anyway if it’s going to take that long to put it in. Plus, I look like I’ve been beat up because my eye makeup looks like crap (even though I put it on after putting in the contacts). This is why I’ve worn them maybe three times since I got them two months ago!

   1. There is a learning curve with contacts – it does take time. I would run out and get some drops if you can find some, they may be dirty and drops can help wash them out if you don’t want to take them out and put them in.

      For future use, practice putting them in on the weekend or at night. The thing that takes a while to get is that you have to TOUCH YOUR EYE and stick them right in there – otherwise they just pop right out. Also, you have to keep your eye open wide as you put them in. Practice will help!

   2. It’s been probably 16 years since I got contacts but when I got them, my doctor advised that I wear them in the evenings only for awhile and build up to wearing them for a full day. He also advised frequent use of rewetting drops when starting to wear them. I definitely brought my glasses, contact solution, and a case with me for the first few weeks until I got used to them so I could take them out if they bothered me or rinse them and put them back in.

      As for putting them in, I put the contact on my left index finger and put a drop of solution in it, then I use my left ring finger to pull down my lower lid while using my right hand (either index finger or ring finger) to pull up on my upper lid. Then I try to place the contact directly over my iris. I close my eyelids and slowly move my eye around with the lids closed to get the contact properly situated. Then I open them and repeat with the other eye. I’m left handed so I’m guessing you might need to reverse the hands/fingers from what I said.

      Good luck!

      1. This is what I do too. When I started I would also stop right before I put the contact in (so my finger with the contact was about 1mm in front of my eye) and then look up before putting the contact in so I wasn’t looking right at my finger when it touched my eye.

      2. I still suck at it, so I only wear them for special occasions. My husband wears them every day, so usually I have him come into the bathroom and coach me when I put them in. His best tip is to make sure that I’m staring straight ahead, and not to roll my eyes up. If he’s standing there telling me that, I can put them in much quicker.

         1. I don’t wear contacts any longer, but when I did, I would look at myself in the mirror as I was putting it in my eye, rather than looking at my finger. That was helpful and kept me from blinking. I also made sure it was really rinsed off; any little speck of fuzz or dust on the contact will feel like a piece of gravel when it’s in your eye. So rinse, put it on your finger, put in a drop of saline, then stick it on your eye.

            Also….make sure your contact isn’t inside-out. That is terribly uncomfortable and almost sounds like what your problem is today.

   3. Unfortunately, the only way to get better at wearing contacts is to wear them. Try using them on the weekends without eye make up. Try putting them in for the evening when you get home from work. As for getting through the day today, take off your eye make up and go buy some eye moistening drops.

   4. It took me quite a while to get the hang of inserting the contacts when I first got them…you will get used to it but I remember how much it sucked at first. Good luck and hang in there!

   5. BTDT …. it took me a week to be confortable putting lenses in my eyes, it took me 45mn the first time, now I can do it without a mirror, so you’ll get there.
      What I would do if just one of them was painful is buy some of those single use eye drops (I used refresh), first I’d put some in the eye, if it didn’t make it better within 10 minutes, then I’d take the lense out, rinse it with the refresh, and put back in, usually it did the trick.

      regarding the discomfort – I always carried the box and solution with me for the first month, my optometrist had actually recommended I wore them 2 hours the first days, 4 the next and so on until I got used to it. I will say this though – It took me going through4 pairs before I found one I was happy being in front of a screen with.

      Also, I found that my eyes were a lot drier when I was pregnant, so wearing lenses was difficult…
      hope it helps

   6. I agree that there’s a learning curve. I got mine when I was 16 and had runny red eyes every day for about three weeks until I got the hang of it (plus I’d always forget and rub my eyes, pushing the contact back on my eye under my lid where I’d have to fish for it, only to pop it out and lose it on the floor). Consider asking your optometrist for some tricks. Maybe one of the assistants there can take some time to watch how you put them in and how you clean them and give you suggestions for how to make it more comfortable. Also, if you really don’t get used to them, consider asking for another brand/model. Some are better for dry eyes, some are thinner, some are thicker (and therefore easier to handle), etc.

      1. +1 to trying different brands. I struggled with the monthly lenses (puttting them on was okay but taking them out was a struggle for me). After a while I switched to daily lenses and taking them out is a breeze compared to the monthly type.
         Good luck – you can do it!

   7. +1 to the other replies and a question/comment- sounds like you might be doing your makeup first/contacts second and if do, I’d suggest reversing the order as it’s much easier to put contacts into bare eyes (no makeup flakes), and easy to do makeup with contacts in.

   8. If you put them in every morning for a week (max two weeks), you’ll get good at it. I promise.

   9. It really is one of those things you just have to get used to doing and it will take longer if you don’t do it every day. Even when I just switch brands it takes a day or two to get used to the feel of the new ones. In the meantime, get some eye drops at lunch (I recommend Refresh), if your eyes are dry at all they’ll irritate more.

      Also, make sure it didn’t flip inside out while you were trying to put it in! You’ll still be able to see if it did flip, but it’ll start to irritate quickly.

   10. Aaawww hugs!! The learning curve with contacts SUCKS and I totally agree with others’ suggestions to have solution (which you can use as drops) and your glasses with you til you get the hang of it. I have a really hard time putting drops in, so I pull my lower lid down, fill that with solution/drops, and put it back on my eye. I find that’s way easier (and less messy)! Good luck!!

       1. Y’all are the best! I felt so dumb asking a question about something that some ten-year-old children are able to do, but y’all have given me some really good tips. Thanks so much!

          1. Also . . . the shape of your eyeball changes while you are pregnant, so if you are still pregnant (if the handle isn’t a holdover) what the eye doctor thought would fit a while back might not fit. My contacts got significantly less comfortable as my pregnancy went on . . . but don’t worry, your eyes will go back to normal later on and you might find this easier post-baby.

          2. I was told by a lens tech to put rewetting drops in the contact before putting them in my eye. (So you have to try to keep the drop in as it goes on your eye, most of it stays in with practice.) I have found this really helps with comfort throughout the day.

          3. I agree with everything that’s been said (it took me FOREVER to learn to put contacts in. I had to keep going back before the doctor who actually let me take them home because he wasn’t sure I could get them in and out. Now, over a decade later, I can almost put them in with no mirror, and can definitely take them out without one.) I will also suggest Clear Care contact solution. It’s hydrogen-peroxide based, so you have to let the contacts sit in their special case for at least 6 hours (to neutralize), but I feel like it gets them so much cleaner than regular saline solution.

             1. +1 My optometrist just gave me a sample of Clear Care and I love it!
                I got contacts when I was 13 and I’ll tell you it’s absolutely a matter of habit. After over a decade of use, I can take them out and put them in just by touch in a completely dark room. You can do it. The very first time I tried at the doctor’s office, he made me take them out and put them in three times. I think doing it many times right in a row helped.

   11. Also, be careful with makeup! Not all cosmetics are safe for contact lens wearers. Mascara can chip and fall into your eye (feels like razor blades on your eyeballs) or greasy oily eyeliner can deposit a film on your contact lenses (thank you Stila and UD and eye creams in general). I wear dailies and the cost is so worth it. If it bothers me, I just put in a new lens. Welcome to the club – hugs and rawrs!

   12. I got contacts when I was 13. I can now put them in without a mirror, in a moving vehicle, etc. It really is a learning curve and once you master it, you’ll do it without thinking twice and be shocked it was ever difficult. Just hang in there and keep practicing! When travelling, I always keep a contact case filled with fresh solution in my bag, in case I need to take them out urgently – you might want to do that regularly till you’re comfortable with them, and carry your glasses around. When contacts start to irritate, they can really really irritate!

   13. It makes me feel so much better to see this post! I’ve had the exact same issue…I usually wear glasses but got contacts for skiing and for my wedding, and the first time I put them in it took half an hour. With my mom sitting behind me, coaching me / laughing at me. Now I’m afraid to do it again…but maybe I should just make myself do it every day for a week.

   14. Also watch out for tears in the lens. I managed to get little tears on the edge of the lenses for the first few months because they got caught in the edge of the case. Those hurt too.

   15. Are they inside out? That makes them really uncomfortable. On my soft contacts, there is a tiny letter etched on the top edge of the lens. If the letter is backwards (looking at it from the outside of the lens) then the contact is inside out. See if you’re contacts have this and if it helps with the discomfort.
       Also, even though I’ve worn contacts for 25 years, my eyes got a bit cranky during pregnancy and I didn’t find them as comfortable. It went back to normal post baby, like so many things do.

   16. I started wearing contacts when I was 12 so putting them in is automatic for me – I can even get them in without a mirror and/or in the dark. But when my husband started wearing them at 48, he couldn’t get the hang of getting them in. So I took note of what I did when I put mine in and it’s a combination of opening my eyes wide, pulling down my lower lid, tilting my head up and looking slightly up. If you have a friend who wears contacts, maybe watch her put hers in. Also agree that Refresh is your friend. I never go anywhere without it. And also agree that if they’re inside out they won’t work.

   17. My biggest tip is to use the mirror to position the contact where you want it to go, but then look away when you actually have to touch your eye. That way you don’t blink.

   18. Always, Always, Always have saline and a case on hand just in case. Keep them in your drawer at work. They are life savers.

   19. Look at youtube videos about putting them in, cleaning them, etc. Also, try the one-day contacts if you’re not using them already. Even when I was meticulous with my two week contacts, they were much harder to get in after a few wears.

       Also, I still have trouble with my left eye! I’m right handed, and usually the right one goes right it but somehow it always takes like 10 tries to get the left one in!

   20. If you have soft lens, it sometimes helps if you put a drop of contact solution in the contact before putting it in your eye – it’ll make it easier to stick to your eye so if you get the contact close enough to your eye, it’ll just stick right onto your eye instead of you stabbing your eye with your finger to get it to stick. I pretty much did that and since my eyes were pretty big, could get the contact in pretty easily. Practice helps.

       Also, make sure you’re putting it in the right way – my optometrist helped me with the trick you do by putting it on the corner of your hand where a crease is and folding your hand slightly – if it curls up and folds in half then it’s the right direction. If it goes flat against your hand then it’s inside out.

       When you pull your upper eyelid back or up to put the contact in, make sure your eyelashes aren’t in the way so they don’t block the way your contact is going in.

       To reduce irritation while you are wearing contacts, remember to blink often. Sometimes I found myself staring at a computer screen doing work without blinking much – if you blink more it’ll dry out less. Also use eyedrops for contacts.

       There are some portable eye contact solution + contacts case boxes you can buy online or at the store. If you don’t have eye contact solution but only have eyedrops and it’s not working well, just take the contact out, use your eyedrops as contact solution, and pop it back in. I only do this when it’s really uncomfortable or if you have something in your eye that is on the contact (like an eyelash or dust).

   21. Like everyone else said – practice, practice, practice. I started wearing contacts at age 12 and it definitely took me several months to really get comfortable putting them in and to be able to do it in a reasonable amount of time. Definitely put them in before doing makeup. Building up time wearing them helps. My eye doctor way back when told me to wear them 1 hour a day, then 2 hours, then 4 for a few days, then 8 for a few days, before trying to wear them all day.

7. Paid off another outstanding bill!!!!!!!

   I am one bill (<$200) from being 100% current on everything. I forgot the paper bill at home, and I can't remember my login information for the website.

   I updated all of my direct deposit to take effect on Feb 7, DH will do his the following pay period. Waiting on tax return.

   Grocery shopped yesterday to complete meals for the next 4-6 weeks. Prepped 4 different crockpot meals to put in the freezer.

   We're in good shape, and I'm DOING this!

   1. Nice job!!! Paying off debt is the best.

   2. Awww yay, well done! I was just wondering this weekend how you were doing. Keep it up, you CAN get there!!!

   3. HUGS AND RAWRS OF APPROVAL!!!!!!!1

   4. I’m not sure how it seems to you, but from the outside looking in it feels as if you and DH have done this in record time. However you were able to accomplish it so quickly, good for you!

      1. Thank you! It has been quick, I think we were well-positioned to get it rolling, but we just never pulled the trigger. We still have a LONG way to go, as far as learning good management practices, and implementing them, but in theory, our budget is affordable, and leaves us with discretionary money at the end of the day. We were just spending without knowing where it was going. And then it wasn’t there anymore, and we would have a payment come up, and then get behinder and behinder. (yep, that’s my new word)

         Thank you girls for all of your support and advice!

   5. This is fantastic! Really great progress. You and your husband will have a lot of wisdom (some hard-earned) to share with your children when you teach them about money. Best of all, you’ll lead by example. :-)

   6. How do you grocery shop for 4-6 weeks at a time? Don’t you need fresh things? I’m at the grocery store like twice a week..

      1. Yes and no. We do replace produce & milk on an as-needed basis, but I shop for all things related to cooking dinners and packing lunches about once a month.

         I shop my pantry, my pinterest and make up a list based on about 18 discrete dinner plans. I have a dry-erase calendar at home with the menu posted, so I know what we’re going to eat, when to get stuff out of the freezer, and how to change things around when stuff comes up. For example, I had planned on doing chicken & mushrooms tonight, but DH has a meeting so won’t be home for dinner. I re-appropriated tonight’s chicken to another freezer-to-crockpot meal later for this month, and me and the kids will eat some of our enormous leftovers. I usually keep one to two days per week blank on the calendar for leftovers or meetings and such, so 18 different entrees will last an entire month.

         SO, when I go to the store, I have a pretty detailed list including what meat to buy, plus any pantry staples that need restocking, and any that are needed for particular recipes. At this point, I don’t shop the circular, but that’s next on the list of things to start doing. We get paid on Friday, I usually do the menu on a Saturday, and grocery shop on Sunday, but that’s when the next week’s specials come out, so I totally miss the game. I buy about 6 loaves of bread every time they go on manager’s special (usually for $0.49 each) and put them in the freezer. There is always beef in the freezer, as we’re still making our way through a quarter cow that has been in the freezer now for more than a year. We always keep rice & pasta as pantry staples, as well as assorted beans and cream-of soups. I also consider potatoes & onions pantry staples, so they’re always on hand. As are apples. I probably buy 5 pounds of apples at a time, but we go through them quickly. We don’t eat a lot of salads, simply because they go bad quickly. We keep broccoli, carrots, whole baby bell peppers and parsnips in the fridge, along with the apples. I rotate other produce: sometimes it’s grapes, sometimes berries–even in the off-season. I know it’s not the affordable way, but I like to give me and the kids some variety anyway.

         The crockpot is my friend, and I’d say 50-75% of my cooking is crockpot cooking.

         So far, this method has worked well for us since August. DH will sometimes do a munchie run if we’re low on chips or ice cream or something–he’s kind of in charge of our junk food! :)
         I have even gone through the exercise of shopping ONLY the pantry for about 2 weeks worth of meals, and it does work, you just have to be creative! We’re fortunate that our kindergartener likes PBJ so much, because that’s about all he gets. Sometimes he wants a turkey wrap (we buy the half-pound Hormel Naturals turkey with a coupon and freeze them when they’re on sale), or something different, but his lunches rarely require “fresh” foods except for produce. That sounded like we’re feeding him junk…a typical lunch for him is a sandwich, applesauce, an apple or other fresh fruit, some carrots, a juice box or soymilk box, and some kind of starch like grahams or pretzels. Our youngest (in preschool) will eat leftovers for lunch just about every day.

         In all honesty, doing the BIG grocery shop once a month saves tons of money. Yesterday was close to $300, but it was also $35 worth of chicken, as we were totally out–but should also last us the 4-6 weeks at least.

         1. I do exactly this. The dry erase calendar for meals is where its at! I also shop in bulk at Costco.

   7. you are DOING IT!! RAWRRRR!!

   8. You are now my hero.

      1. That is a huge compliment. Thank you, I am astonished at the sentiment.

8. Does anyone use Restasis for severely dry eyes? Does it work? Is it incredibly expensive? This has been recommended for a family member but it sounds like it’s something she’d have to use literally forever.

   1. I know someone who is doing this – and I want to say that the eye drops were a hundred/couple hundred per month. Because the insurance does not cover it.

      From what I recall, she is trying a procedure call Lipiflow (?) (FDA approved, but not covered by insurance) to help combat the situation. But yeah, from what I know of it, it’s not really something that goes away.

   2. I use them and they are SUPER expensive and not worth it. It only helps you create more tears if you constantly use them, so if you stop using them, your eyes will go back to the way they were. I know just use regular eyedrops (systane) and I think they work just as well and are FAR less expensive.

      If you do think you need them, I know there are some discount cards out there that will lower the co-pay, but only for 6 months and only if you continuously renew the Rx.

   3. I was put on it after LASIK. My insurance didn’t cover it at all and even with coupons it was $1000 for just a 3 month supply… which I will admit I’ve stretched into a 6 month supply. I read up a bit and it does seem to have a fairly low success rate (I want to say around 15%?), so I only took the script because the post LASIK dryness is supposed to be temporary, I can’t imagine using it for life.

      1. also, my credit card company thought it was a fraudulent charge when I picked up the first batch and cancelled my card. The rep I called to reactivate it actually asked how I managed to spend that much at a pharmacy and thought I was joking.

      2. Wow – you were put on it post LASIK? My doctor just told me to get regular OTC eye drops (although a slightly thicker formulation) to use for the year long healing process.

         1. Ditto on that. My surgeon just gave me a whole bunch of Blink in two formulations (one for night, one for regular) and they’re pretty cheap.

   4. I have been on Restasis for a few months now. I do mail order refills and it’s maybe $40 for two boxes. I think that there are coupons on the manufacturer’s website, but that doesn’t work with the mail order refills. Two boxes should be a 30 day supply, but there is so much medication in each little dropper. My eye doctor told me that I could stretch the 30 day supply to a 60 day supply by not touching the dropper to my eye at night, replacing the cover, and then using the same dropper again in the morning. I have really severe dry eyes and have also had a permanent plug put into my tear ducts. That means that my tears (and rewetting drops) don’t drain back through the duct. Instead, the moisture stay on my eye until it evaporates off. The relief has been totally worth the expense.

   5. Thanks for the all info about Restasis. Definitely makes me think I’ll call my drug insurer before I just blindly order. I spoke to the doctor today and the Restasis is not a must unless my daughter ever wants to wear her contacts on a regular basis again. And given the type of dry eyes my daughter has, it might not even work.

   6. I dealt with moderately severe dry eyes for a few years (i.e. using OTC eye drops 3-5 times per day), but I’ve been eating more fish and taking fish oil supplements as my ophthalmologist recommended and there has been a big improvement. I now only use the drops once a day and could probably get away with skipping that. It may not help if your situation is very severe, but it was a really big and welcome improvement for me.

      1. My daughter has been using the fish oil for about 6 weeks and her eyes are still very dry. How long did it take to see an improvement from this?

         1. I was still using the drops as normal in the mornings for at least two months, but I guess around that point, I noticed that I didn’t need to re-do drops at work. I also eat other good fats in my diet (avocados, olive oil, whole milk yogurt, etc). I think it was more of a gradual improvement than a sudden one, though, so I would encourage your daughter to stick with the fish oil for a while longer. I hope she improves – I understand how frustrating it is. I used to get asked if I had an allergy flare-up or something in my eye, including by a prospective employer (ugh).

            1. From her standpoint, the only downside of dry eyes is that she can’t wear contacts except for rare special occasions. She would like to get back into contacts but her eyes will have to improve a lot before the doctor willl OK it.

   7. I have severely dry eyes and use Restasis regularly. Our insurance does cover it (miraculously), and I think it’s about $80 for 2 month supply. I think it really helps and I noticed a huge negative difference after I had to stop it when my husband was working at a previous job and our insurance didn’t cover it (when I switched to his insurance after law school).

      For reference, I was diagnosed with dry eye six years ago, and have been on Restasis for almost three years. I did try other methods first- improving diet, regular drops, fish oil (and flax seed) supplements, night salve/ointment, etc. They all helped somewhat, but Restasis was the clincher for me. I never tried the tear duct plugs due to the type of dry eye that I have, but I’ve heard it works well for others. I do still use some methods- drops and supplements- in addition to the Restasis.

      Also, when trying any method- be it fish oil supplements, Restasis, whatever- definitely give it three full months to see any effect. My optometrist really worked with me on this but he reminded me to be patient and give each treatment a chance to work before making any decisions.

      Also, different types of contacts are better than others for this condition. I’m 26 and have worn contacts since I was 11, and they were always Acuvue before the dry eye. And let me tell you, I loved them. I was a natural from day one, never had any issues, never felt them, and since I’m legally blind they were a godsend. Well, my Acuvue Advance were not simpatico with my dry eye, so when I do wear contacts now I use Biofinity monthly. There was a lot of trial and error- different brands, monthly vs daily, etc- but don’t give up. I definitely still can’t wear contacts as much as I used to, but the important thing is that I can wear them at all and I have my dry eye well under control.

      Also, a new, flattering pair of glasses will make you feel so much more confident when you can’t wear your contacts :)

9. For those who shop at lands-end, what are you favorite items? I just received a very generous Lands End gift card as a thank-you, and want to get my money’s worth. I work in biz casual office, and don’t want to purchase dresses (I pump, and it’s just too much trouble – unless you know of a dress that works great for pumping). I am 5’5″, size 16, with a lot of hips/butt/thighs. Thanks!

   Does anyone have this sport knit skirt? Is it as wonderful as it looks?
   http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-sport-knit-skirt/id_255854_57

   1. I don’t have the skirt right now, but I’ve had a few in the past and they are fairly long, in an unstylish way. It depends on your height, obviously.

      I love Lands’ End tights, if you wear skirts. They hold their shape really well and they don’t run easily.

      Plus, there are wonderful Lands’ End home items – sheets, towels, tote bags, you name it. Definitely consider their non-clothing items.

      1. +1. And boots/shoes. I do have one of their boat/beach canvas bags and I love it to death. It is our giant pool/beach tote, and it holds 4 fullsize beach towels, plus sunscreen & various other things.

         If you really want to stretch your dollar, check out their clearance section. There are some remarkable deals to be had. Their “On the Counter” is a great way to find rock-bottom prices. They list them at the beginning of the week and discount as the week goes on, until they’re sold out.

         oh, and their BATHING SUITS are incredible.

         1. yes on the bathing suits! I have some that are at least 15 years old and the elastic is still good! I don’t use them that frequently, but elastic never lasts that long.

         2. +1 on the bathing suits

            Also if you think you might ever need a puffer coat, Lands End has great ones and they should be on sale right about now.

   2. Ponte knit pants! I get the Fit 2 ones (bootcut, but moderate) and it is like wearing pajamas. I have the gray and the charcoal. Also, cashmere! I have had some (turtlenecks, cowl necks, long-sleeve Ts, cardigans) > 5 years and they are in good shape. All of the above goes into the washing machine / dryer / air dry per whatever is on the label, so a plus if you have a little one.

      1. Can one really wear these pants to work? I mean, obviously not to court, but in a business casual environment? Or would they look like I was wearing sweatpants?

         1. I probably wear mine at least once a week. I try to wear it as blazer + blouse + pants or sweater + pants (more casual, but it’s been freezing). I think it works (law firm).

            I think that the grey def looks more casual, but I wear them with a black blazer and white shirt and black shoes to keep the look polished.

            I did have to get the pants hemmed (I’m 5-4).

   3. oh shoot. I failed at replying. See mine below. My bad!

   4. My favorites are coats, boots, and sweaters.

   5. I have that skirt. I found it to run a little small for me. I usually wear a 10-12 so I ordered a Medium based on the sizing chart. I would wear it more often if I had ordered a Large. The fabric is nice, and length wise, it’s about an inch below my knee (I’m 5’8 for reference).

   6. I’m 5’5″ as well and buy their dresses in petite sizes because the regulars are too long on me. IMO Lands End also runs a size big. They do have a great returns policy so it may be worth getting the skirt in several sizes and lengths.

   7. I like their cardigans. Cheap and hold up well.

   8. I like their t-shirts and turtlenecks. Very high quality basics. Their fit guide is accurate for me (fitted, shaped, relaxed).

   9. Just ordered a cart full of scoop neck cotton/modal t-shirts. They are my go-to under blazers. And there’s a good sale on outerwear right now if you’re in the mood for a down vest or fleece zip up.

   10. I had the non-plus size, black version of that skirt and it was really not flattering on me. Exactly the wrong length and not cute at all. Somehow, it looks super cute in that picture. I wonder if the profile angle would still look cute? At the time I was ~16, and the the non-plus size skirt was correct or big on me. Unless you really need plus size 16, I would order the regular sizing. Lands Ends often times, and that skirt in general, is very generously cut, so you def don’t need to size up.

       I love their cashmere sweaters, dresses (sorry, I know you’re looking for other things), some shoes. Also check out their accessories– both cold weather/functional stuff and cute stuff. They recently started carrying some cute jewelry too.

   11. Lands End has a “mini-store” in Sears stores now. So you can go and browse.

10. I was cleaning out my closet (well, trying to…), and I came across of piece of a clothing I’ve had since high school – it went to the “give away” pile, because it’s just not my style anymore, but it raises some questions:

    what is the oldest piece of clothing you have (including vintage)? What piece of clothing have you had the longest? What items have truly stood the test of time, and why?

    1. My mom bought me a velvet blazer from Anthro in high school, and I still adore it. Even though I had never heard of Anthro at the time, and I was like “A BLAZER??? I would rather have a baby tee!” Ha ha. But it seriously looks like something they would sell in their catalog today.

       Also, I have my grandmother’s fur bought in the 1970s. I love it the maximum. It’s a little capelet style, so it works well for Houston winters because it isn’t too warm.

       1. I also have a fur from my grandmother, which is easily the oldest garment I own! It’s about 60 years old and made from mink that she trapped herself.

          The oldest that I’ve purchased myself is a super comfortable and incredibly soft plum colored bubble skirt I got from Gap in 2006 or so.

          1. “Made from a mink that she trapped herself”… this is amazing. So awesome.

             1. +1. Wow!

       2. Jcrew wool coat that I bought for new associates orientation in a cold city in 1997, and a Jcrew tweed skirt from maybe 1998. Quality is noticeably better than current stuff.

          1. I have a LOT of things still from when I worked at Jcrew in the late 90s. Sweaters and wool pants, mostly. They have held up better than anything bought in the last 10 years there.

    2. I have an J. Crew dress from 1998 (purchased at the outlet no less) that I still wear around the house/as a cover up. It’s colorful and the color are still look pretty darn good and the structure has held up great. Contrast that with my recent J. Crew purchase (from actual store) that ripped at the seam the first time I wore it.

       I don’t think I have anything I wear in public any that’s more than 6 years old besides a few cocktail dresses. They just don’t make clothes like they use to….

    3. I have a Pendleton-blanket-type long wrap skirt from the early 90s.

    4. I have a tweed-y 3-button schoolboy blazer from American Eagle from my freshmen year of college (so 2003). It lives at my parents house so I only wear it when I’m home in the states but it is the perfect blazer. Pretty worn now but I love the 3/4 sleeves.

    5. The oldest vintage item I have is a cape that my grandmother gave me – I believe it is from the mid-1950s. I usually wear it a few times each winter but this past fall it became my daily outerwear because it was the only outerwear that fit me during my third trimester!

       The oldest non-vintage item of clothing I have is probably a gorgeous cream silk tuxedo-style shirt that I was given in Thailand 20 years ago. I never wear it but it is so beautiful and classic that I just cannot bring myself to give it away. One of these days I will wear it…

    6. I have a beaded evening bag that I received as a gift for high school graduation in 1988. It is multicolored so it seems to go with everything. I have loved it for years and don’t see ever retiring it.

       I know you said clothes but I figure this still counts. :)

    7. A beaded evening bag from the 20s that was my something old for my wedding.

    8. Oldest piece of clothing is a vintage 1960’s forest green leather jacket that was my grandmother’s. It is beautiful, and I don’t wear it enough.

       Oldest piece of non-vintage clothing…? Not sure, as probably 90% of my wardrobe is post-2010. I weigh about the same now as I did as a freshman in college over 10 years ago, but I tossed ALL of that (I think?) because I had gained about 40 pounds through marriage, pregnancy and such. Then lost it all starting November 2011. I have a Pendleton wool skirt that I bought at Goodwill, I have no idea how old it is!

       But I think one of the last remaining vestiges of my former body (my college body, which, as I said is a lot similar to today) is my pair of Carhartt insulated bibs that I bought in 1998/99.

    9. I have a vintage green satin ruched dress, off-the-shoulder, fitted, floor-length with a loooong slit up the back from a thrift store. Based on the tag in it, it’s from around the 50’s. I’m sadly about 15 lbs too heavy for it right now, but there’s no way I’m getting rid of a knockout dress like that.

       For non-vintage, I actually still have my winter coat from 2001, from American Eagle of all places, blue wool duffle coat. I’ve replaced the toggles with antler tips, and added a zipper to the front, but it’s still going strong.

    10. I have purged a lot of 15+ year old clothing. But I kept one old thing: a puffy pirate shirt (a la Seinfeld episode) from 1996. And no, it doesn’t have a tag still on it. I actually wore my puffy prate sgirt quite happily then…

    11. The oldest item I still wear on a regular basis is a rose-colored suede jacket that I got to wear to my college alumni interview when I was a senior in high school. It’s definitely from the late 90’s/early 2000s and is cut rather large, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to wear it for a long time. Every year it looks more and more vintage, but I love the color and the suede is really soft, so I just keep on wearing it :-)

    12. I have a black mini skirt from 7th grade – I wore it as part of a ‘suit’ to bat mitzvahs, but the skirt now looks super cute on me as a mini (yes, I was tubby then, yes, it slings nicely on my hips now). I also have two BR skirts from high school that I wore to debate tournaments (I was a nerd, what do you want), that I still wear to my law firm now. Both just classic A-line shapes with basic patterns and an elastic waist. I’d like to say I should get rid of them because they date from the late 90s/very early 2000s, but I still wear them and they look great, so nope!

    13. I still have my favorite oversized flannel from middle school/high school in my closet. It’s totally ratty and beat up, but it is the same pattern as one of Angela’s flannels on My So-Called Life. I had a TON (used to basically wear them every day), but at some point I got rid of all of them except one to keep just for sentimental reasons. I still smile everytime I see it in my closet.

        I don’t think I have anything older than a few years that I actually wear on a regular basis.

    14. I don’t have any clothes from high school or even college. I do have a tan knit pencil skirt from the Limited that I’ve probably had since the early 90s. It just fit so well and went with so much, I never got rid of it. And I have a Heinz sweatshirt from when my brother worked there forever ago. Probably at least 20 years ago.

        1. Shoot – forgot to change my name – don’t want to change it now… rawr

    15. Love this question, and all the responses! My oldest pieces of clothing still in regular circulation are a pair of Gap dresses (one pink, one black) from around 2000. They are a classic, flattering cut, they fit me like a glove even after all this time and pregnancies, and I just love them so much. I haven’t found a dress at Gap since that really works. I have no idea why they have lasted this long with such regular use. (I’ve considered having one sacrificed so that a tailor can recreate it–has anyone in DC done this with success and could recommend a place?)

        I also have a gorgeous dress that I got 20 years ago (!) that I wear and love, but it is a special occasion gown so it gets worn only every 5 years or so.

        I also have the shirt from my first marathon, in 1996, and I will keep it until I die.

    16. Revealing my WASPiness, but a pair of Cole Haan driving mocs my dad bought me when I was 12 (I’m 35). I thought they were hideous in HS, but I love, love them now. Great quality. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

    17. A silver vintage purse that was my great-grandmother’s-1917, I believe? But it’s a very special-occasion only piece. I have some furs that were my grandmother’s (that I almost never wear), and a long skirt that was my mother’s from I think the 1970s. I have some skirts I got in high school that I still wear (so probably 11 or 12 years old).

    18. Oh I totally forgot that I have some beautiful beaded clutches that were my mother’s – probably from the 50s or earlier. And weirdly, a fur stole that I would never wear. I kept my senior recital dress (from the mid 80s) and the suit that I wore when I interviewed here in 1990. Otherwise, I might still have some hats and mittens that my grandmother knitted and she died in 1987.

    19. I have a Pendleton suit that my mother wore back in the 50’s (I’m guessing, from the style). Red and black tweed, Chanel-style jacket, pencil skirt. It is in pristine condition and I’ve actually worn it to job interviews. Exquisitely made, classic style and color.

11. Hi Ladies – had my midpregnancy ultrasound this morning and was told I have marginal placental previa. I understand it’s not something to be overly concerned about at this stage and often clears up as pregnancy advances. That said, I have some air travel coming up that I’m now a bit hesitant about – a trip to Charleston at the end of Feb and a trip to Mexico in the first week of March (nothing booked yet, though). Am waiting for my doc to get the results to talk it though with her, but any thoughts/advice?

    1. I had a previa. It presented a bit scary (so, not during an US), but other than the first episode, I didn’t have another. I was told that it should resolve and don’t have a sense of how big / marginal it was (other than that it was on the tummy side, not the back). I believe that I was advised not to travel (probably the concern was that if I had another episode, I’d want some medical reassurance that nothing bad had happened — I had had two previous m/c), but was blessed to make a domestic trip when I was 7 months. Everything turned out OK. I was also told that if I was in a car accident or had any sort of fall to get checked out asap.

       GOOD LUCK!

    2. No experience with that, but do have experience with getting scary news at the 20 week u/s. I hope it clears up for you. These things are always so scary. Especially since, if you’re like my husband and me, you went to that u/s thinking “hooray, I get to see the baby today!” without thinking too hard about why you’re really getting the u/s (to check for Bad Things). Hugs.

    3. I had it and had to spend 6 weeks on bed rest – it’s different for everyone. The great news is that I had a healthy baby and trouble-free delivery. There was no physical discomfort from the condition besides the usual pregnancy discomforts. Just follow your doctor’s advice and relax; I’m sure it will turn out fine.

    4. I had one and it didn’t move. I was on modified bed rest and had a scheduled c-section. I did some travel early on but canceled a few later trips because of it. Baby was just fine!

12. Well, with LE, you kind of can’t go wrong. In my opinion, anyway. Their clothes are classic, but not matronly (LLBean tends toward the matronly, I think, except for true outdoors-wear).

    I find that their sizes do run large, especially on the tops. I am 5’2″, 115# with a petite build, and I typically would buy an XSP or 0-2P on top for it to fit the way I want it.

    If you don’t have a long down coat, and need one, all of their full-length and 3/4 length coats get great reviews. I have one that comes just past my rear end, and I do love it, though I wish it were longer.

    They have fantastic customer service, and will take returns on just about anything, for any reason. If you have a Sears nearby, you can return in stores, too.

    Just remember, you won’t be pumping forever, and your size may still change, depending on how freshly postpartum you are.

13. Hi all, I have kind of an open-ended question and am seeking input.

    My husband and I each really struggle while visiting each other’s parents. We both have valid reasons for these difficulties, though no relatives are bad people or doing anything actually illegal or anything. It’s just difficult–always stressful and basically never fun. So the fact that we spend all our vacation time, money and effort over holidays to either visit his folks or mine just feels dissonant. I feel like it’s a cultural ritual: go “home” for the holidays and hate it, count the minutes until you can leave, and try not to be too upset that you have to do it all again, next year and every year.

    I keep asking around about this, and most of my friends basically agree that it’s always hard, but, you know, you do it. My question is, is there anyone who doesn’t? Is it at all possible to reshape holidays so that it isn’t just about surviving? Is there ever an acceptable compromise between honoring your family and honoring your own wishes?

    Here are my only ideas so far, and I’m pretty sure none of them would go over well:
    1) We each just visit our own families for the holidays. Still not easy, but at least we have more practice there.
    2) We come into town but never stay at our parents’ houses. Expensive and touchy, but maybe worth it?
    3) We just do our own thing over holidays, hoping that eventually we may be forgiven.

    Does anyone know what I’m talking about or have solutions that have worked?

    1. Or have them come to your house! I don’t know if that would be better, but at least you’d be on your own turf.

    2. 1. Alternate years (an idea from parenting plans).
       2. Stay in hotels (an idea from my adult life).

       Also, I’d be wary about separating from your partner during the holidays because: (a) I would want moral support wherever I am, and (b) it might send the wrong message about who is your primary family now (I’m not sure I would go so far as to say it is infantalizing, but along those lines).

       1. Alternating years is what we do now, since it’s “fair.” Generally all it does is mean we’re alternating types of problems. I hear you about not separating for holidays, though–my husband really doesn’t want to do it either, and I know it’s not ideal, I’m just kind of desperate.

          1. What if you alternate in a year where you stay home for the holidays? Or what if you do the holidays on your own all the time and visit the in laws during non-holiday times? Could the stress of holiday expectations be adding to the in law uncomfortableness?

             1. That is another thought–do visits at other times of year (…and somehow intimate that this is not in addition to holidays, it is instead of holidays).

                It may not be holiday pressure that’s making things worse, so much as winter weather. Both families live in cold and snowy climates, so we often end up house-bound and sometimes get stuck there for extra time due to travel delays. In spring and summer this would not happen.

             2. This is what I thought. Go home at random (and warmer and cheaper) times of the year and then do whatever you want during the holidays.

                This makes me very glad that DH and I live in the same area as our families. So much easier.

             3. This. I live very far from my parents, and luckily my mom is not too attached to the actual holidays because we’re not really Christian. So, many years I plan my trips to see them at different times outside of the holiday season/winter, so that I lessen the chances of being stuck in an airport/getting flights cancelled/having to deal with annoying holiday crowds. And my parents are totally fine with that, they also don’t want me stuck in an airport rather than getting to spend time with them.

                Again, you could do the alternating thing, every other year, visit at a different time of year, and spend the holidays just the two of you at home.

                I do however think that visiting family is just “something you do” even when it is annoying and stressful and frustrating. Because some day they won’t be there for you to visit, and if you spent years avoiding them, you will regret that. That is just what family is. ;o)

       2. +1; otherwise, I would do (3). Make your own holiday traditions!

    3. DH & I have spent 2 Christmases in Mexico…. I think if you plan ahead and make other arrangements to see your families, they might not be so offended? Idk if we’re talking about 3 cities (yours, your parents’, and your DH’s parents’) or fewer, but could you spend less time with famil and more time together, elsewhere? FWIW, I think the worst option is each spouse spending time with his/her parents — what would you do with a child in the mix?

    4. I don’t like visiting my husband’s family despite the fact that they’re lovely people. It’s just too scheduled and busy and I end up exhausted. I’m honestly waiting until we have kids and then I’m going to pull the “we can’t travel this year, we have a kid, if you want to see us, come to us.”

       I think staying in a hotel would help although, I agree, it could be touchy. Maybe make your visit shorter so you have a full day at home to unwind and reconnect with your husband when you get home?

    5. Agree that 1) is a terrible option. 3) is great if you can actually swing it – heck, that would be my ideal for most years – but it could really permanently damage your relationship with your family. 2) I think is the best compromise. For the first time this year, I’m planning on telling my parents that H and I will spend the night of an actual holiday – Thanksgiving, for instance – at their house, but since they live in the suburbs and I have friends who still live or want to go out in the city, we’ll stay in a hotel in the city the other nights. Something like that may work for you.

       PS – if you’re (un)lucky enough to be from a cold-climate city, you can get really great deals on hotels around Christmas!

    6. It’s not quite the same situation, but one year, I went on a weeklong cruise to Hawaii over Thanksgiving, which also happened to be my beloved Nana’s 80th birthday. My parents said nothing to me, but my aunt (bless her heart) reamed me out via my mother about not being there for my grandma (never mind I was with her practically every other day of the year). When I asked my Nana, she told me that if she were feeling up to it, she’d ditch the family too and go on the cruise.

       TL;DR. I think you and your husband, since you are now your own “family unit,” are completely entitled to do your own thing for the holidays. Take a relaxing vacation (even better if it’s some place that doesn’t get cell reception and is uber expensive to check the internet) and catch up with family during other times of the year. Send all the requisite presents ahead of time via Amazon. Then unwind. And be happy spending time just with each other.

    7. I know families are different, but I think it is aboslutely OK to say that you and your DH are planning on doing the holidays alone, at home. I just think you then need to make alternate plans to see the families–based on circumstances, some options could be…

       1. Invite each family to meet somewhere neutral/in-between at least 1x per year, for a long weekend or something (so all parties would have to have separate hotel rooms)

       2. Offer to host holidays at your place

       3. Do a smaller/less time intensive holiday with parents (I don’t know if you are in the US, but we usually do Christmas/New Year’s in our city, and alternate Thanksgivings among parents)

       When I start to feel guilty about this sort of thing, I look back to holidays as a kid and realize my parents didn’t spend every holiday with parents or in-laws, and that makes me feel better :)

       1. We do something really similar to Alice … there was a ton of heartache from mostly my parents in the beginning, and we still get some passive-aggressive BS from them, but they’ve come around. We spend Christmas at our own place and alternate Thanksgiving between families (and then we really only have to spend 2 days with them!) — we do one year’s tgiving with my parents, one with his, then one at our place with everyone. It seems to work out ok. We also try to travel during Christmas – other posters are right that you can get really great travel deals – and it means that if we’re abroad we can avoid getting the grouchy you-should-be-here calls on Christmas day.

    8. You know your family best and probably have a good sense of how this would actually go over…but I know quite a few couples who live far from both sets of parents and just don’t go visit for the holidays. I think it started out because they really couldn’t afford it, but now these couples are older and well-established and just never made it a “tradition.” They do go visit every couple of years, but not ever for the holidays.

       Both our parents live nearby and so we see both sets for almost every holiday. However, I like that we are able to split it up this way, because I only have to spend a couple of hours at each house. (My MIL really gets to me, but I generally like my mom, but can only handle her in small doses!)

    9. Just opt out – you can see from my handle what sparked my choice, but the big bonus is not dealing with family drama. Ever. If they want to have problems with it, that’s on them. I think a lot of us try to keep going “home” for the holidays to try to recreate the excitement and anticipation we had as children, except we’re not children anymore, so we just don’t get that excited. Our parents & extended families, however, often fail to recognize that we’ve grown up and still treat us as children – and who needs that?

       1. This times 1000. Drama queens and kings don’t get humored. If they’re unhappy, too bad. They brought it on themselves and you know, deep down, what they really want is to be unhappy. They’ll always find something that they can point to as God’s putting them through trials so…who am I to stand in the way of someone’s determined martyrdom?

    10. We feel/felt the same way. We traveled to my mom’s house the year that my oldest was not yet 1. It was the last christmas we will spend in someone else’s house (unless we’re going to the Caribbean. Then it’s ok!)

        We just made up a “rule” that we will spend Christmas in our own house. We are flexible for Thanksgiving–this year we hosted my father, as my stepmother had passed away in September. Last year we hosted friends for a potluck. Years before we have visited my aunt/uncle’s weekend house where DH can hunt. We traveled to mom’s house/aunt’s house/IL’s home the weekend before Christmas, saw my sister/BIL/niece, and while it was crazy chaotic and anxiety-ridden, it was still FAR better than traveling over the actual holiday.

        We halfway decided that maybe that is the way that we’ll do it every year. Go to “home” the weekend before Christmas, then be home (with no visitors) for actual Christmas proper. I expect that we may host my father in years to come, but that’s fine. Hosting him is a walk in the park compared the rest of our crazy families.

        FWIW, drive to my aunt & uncle’s weekend house is about 2 hours. Drive to “home” is about 3-3.5 hours. Drive to my sister’s/BIL/niece AND DH’s brother/SIL/niece/nephew is 4-4.5 hours. Drive to my father is 5-5.5 hours. Drive to DH’s parents is “home” plus 2 hours, so 5-ish hours total if we skipped home.

    11. It was hard, but we now always stay in a hotel when we visit my parents (if I go visit alone, which I do sometimes, I stay at my parents’ house). My mom isn’t thrilled, but she’s come to accept it. It makes a huge difference for us. We have a place to unwind, be ourselves, not have to do awkward things like figure out shower times for four adults and one bathroom, nap, have private couple time to talk about stuff (or do other kinds of private couple time stuff), etc. It means we’re much more refreshed for the time we do spend with my parents and it means my husband and I can get through a visit without him seething and me in tears (as I’ve said here before, my husband and my mom do not mix well).

        1. +1,000,000 for staying in hotels when visiting parents.

           unfortunately, they don’t seem to feel the same on the return. I hear that it is “not seeing you” unless it is in our house. I don’t find that being on my own turf relaxes me as my “rules” are apparently “ridiculous” and not upheld. So I try to always go to them. Side benefit of that is that I can say “gotta go” or “gotta get some sleep; hitting the road early in the morning.”

    12. No advice, but just wanted to say I 100% agree. I never had a hard time “going home for the holidays” when I was in college, or even just out of school.. but now that our parents are older and we’re fully adults, it is so. much. drama.

        My husband is just starting to realize how intense and upsetting the holidays can be for me and his brother (we both seem to react the same way to his mother’s nagging/insulting) and so I’ve started the conversation about alternatives.

        My other suggestion is: therapy.

        1. I’ve been visiting my family (with my DH) in early December. It’s perfect. Air travel is so much cheaper than either Thanksgiving or Christmas. We can do all the holiday gift-giving and even eat turkey. Then it’s done, and we can enjoy Christmas at home, and skype with the parents if we want to.

           Retraining your family is tough, though. My DH grew up with a single mom, and she doesn’t quite understand the concept of “alternating” Thanksgivings or other holidays. Every holiday has to be at her house, with all her family, or heads will roll. You just gotta set your boundaries and stick to them.

14. We all love fleece lined tights, but does anyone have any of the wool/wool-blend tights like Smartwools? Are they worth the investment (even if you can get them for $25 at Sierra Trading Post–still is expensive for tights, but if they’re really awesome, I might consider it…)

    1. I tried a pair and wasn’t crazy about them. I have long legs and they just weren’t long enough. They didn’t have as much give/stretch as regular tights, so I kind of felt like I had a saggy cr*tch most of the time. I think I wore them once, and then tried to give to my mom. My mom (who is shorter than I am) wasn’t crazy about them either.

       I do love their socks, though.

    2. Following Kat’s post from a while ago I bought Wolford cashmere and wool blend tights and I love both. It has been a good investment. They wash well and last.
       TJ: I am meeting for the third time in a week a potential employer to discuss my salary in about 30 min. The meeting is at a coffee shop 10 min. walking distance from my home. Do I need a suit or can do casual black pants, cashmere sweater and a black leather pea coat?

       1. Yes – echo the Wolford wool tights. I haven’t tried the cashmere/silk ones or the “fine merino” (both are too expensive for me), but their straight merino tights do keep me pretty warm. On really cold days (polar vortex cold), I’ve worn the merino tights under wool pants and I’ve been pretty toasty.

          Anony, for your TJ, I think you can be more casual.

          1. I got the job. Hope it works out. I have been looking for a long time and the market here is really though.

             1. Fantastic! Congratulations!

             2. Great! Best of luck!

    3. I didn’t know smartwool made tights, but now that I know, well..let’s just say that I am on it.

       I have a variety of smartwool socks and they are literally the best socks I have ever bought. Ever.

       1. that’s exactly how I feel about their socks, so I feel that tights can’t go wrong. Length wouldn’t be an issue for me, as I am not tall by any stretch of the imagination.

          Anony–I think casual is appropriate in this instance. GOOD LUCK!

    4. I had a pair of smart wool tights in 2004 that I wore basically weekly in winter for four years. I’ve tried to buy several other pairs since then though and found them to be mega short (I am 5’10” though) and prone to ripping.

       Sad. The best tights that I have found recently are from the gap actually. Not quite as warm as some but good enough for the slightly less cold climate I live in now. Plus, I buy the charcol grey ones that reverse to black so it’s like two options in one.

    5. I LOVE my smartwool tights. I think they’re great for keeping me warm, plus I like to layer them under leggings to feel really cozy. That being said, they are slightly looser than your average tights and definitely looser than pantyhose. I don’t mind it and they don’t seem to actually fall down on me – it’s just the overall fit is looser. I would suggest ordering a pair from Zappos or another place where you can try them on and return them if you don’t like the fit.

    6. I’m not sure if they have changed their design, but I had some ~4 years ago and they were THE WORST tights I’ve ever had. They just would not stay up. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit pear shaped? I got the sense that they’d only work if you were really flat up and down. I also did get the size L (which is what I was on their size chart).

       I have the wolford merino tights now and LOVE them. Totally worth the splurge. Even the “cheap” regular merino ones feel super soft and nice, way softer than Smartwool.

15. I have my first in-house interview tomorrow and was hoping for some advice. What type of questions should I expect for a first round for a corporate generalist (and fairly junior) position? I’ve heard that a lot of what they’re looking for is fit and ability to manage internal clients, but I’m not sure how to prepare for any substantive legal questions that may be asked given that this is a generalist position…. and that’s what is making me anxious. For reference, I do have a couple years of law firm practice experience. Please help!

    1. Make sure that you ask questions that highlight the fact that you have done your reasearch abou the industry that the company is in.

       1. This – but also make sure you can answer questions that show you know a bit about the industry, the company and the challenges they might face, especially if there are issues unique to the niche industry.

          Otherwise, seconding that personality will be a huge piece of what they’re looking for.

    2. Also, if it is a small legal dept, then personality fit is a big issue. Expect to meet not only the hiring manager, but several potential peers, and even support staff.

    3. I wouldn’t expect substantive legal questions, mostly just questions about your past experience(s), work style, and lots of “do you have any questions for me?”

       1. Hmm – I had the opposite experience interviewing in-house & was mostly asked substantive questions (at more than one company too). I would be prepared for it & I’d also be ready to discuss examples of your experience & to “show” how you work/what your style is through examples.

16. Hmm – I had the opposite experience interviewing in-house & was mostly asked substantive questions (at more than one company too). I would be prepared for it & I’d also be ready to discuss examples of your experience & to “show” how you work/what your style is through examples.

    1. Spinach, frozen purple grapes, peanut butter, almond milk: aka Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

       1. That sounds amazing!

       2. I add chocolate protein powder and a handful of spinach to mine.

       3. 1 apple, 1/4 c oatmeal (uncooked), cinnamon, spinach, water or milk of your choice = apple pie!

          1. one more, though not green, it does contain carrots!

             3-4 carrots (peeled), 1/2 c pineapple OR oranges, 1/2 lemon, water

             can add mango if you’d like a smoother flavor

    2. Always can find ingredients: 3 oranges, 2 bananas, romaine lettuce
       4 apples, half a lime, 1 banana, bag of spinach
       Sometimes can find ingredients: chard, 1 mango, 4 oranges
       kale, 4 pears, some mint

    3. Can you find frozen acai puree? I like using one of those, a frozen berry mix, a tiny bit of honey or vanilla (or chocolate) protein powder, and almond milk.

    4. I recently started adding some soft tofu to my smoothies for a super boost of protein. It’s awesome because the tofu takes on the taste of whatever else I add (usually a banana, some strawberries, blueberries, spinach, and VegaOne protein powder) so I don’t even remember it’s there half the time.

    5. I do baby spinach, frozen pineapple chunks, banana, almond-coconut milk and chia seeds.

    6. Coconut water, spoonful of coconut butter, frozen pineapple, frozen banana (or fresh, depending on what I have), spinach.

    7. 2 cups Spinach, 1 cup frozen strawberries, about half a cucumber, 1 cup water, juice of 1/2 lemon, fresh ginger, 1 apple and 1 banana.

17. question about out of state family & kids. DH and i had a baby at the end of the summer. DH’s parents live a 4 hour flight/30 hour drive away. they are wealthy, healthy, and retired. My parents and siblings live 3-4 hours away by car, so visits must typically be overnight.

    My parents have been to see the baby 5-6 times. We hosted my family for thanksgiving (and invited DH’s parents, who declined), went to my hometown for Christmas. DH’s parents are starting to get really passive-aggressive about when we plan to visit them next. DH just started a new job, I just got back from maternity leave, an the truth is we’d rather do a million other things than travel with 100 tons of kid gear across the country for 2 days.

    Is this unreasonable? We’ve offered that they can visit/stay with us whenever. We’ve suggested planning a vacation together somewhere where DH and i can relax and the grandparents can get kid time (let’s forget for a minute that FIL enjoys the baby for 2 minutes before getting annoyed and bored…). We’ve offered MIL to visit alone. All declined.

    1. sorry- should add DH’ s parents came up once, 2 weeks after the baby was born. They stayed at a hotel. FIL was irritated the whole time because we were not entertaining him.

       1. Sympathy here. Older men do not do well with the grind of life with a baby.

          1. Sympathy for Pregomama, not FIL. Just clarifying!

          2. He wasn’t awful about it, he just was like “hey, she’s cute! Can I watch TV now?” I think he wants us to come visit them so he can show off the baby to his retirement-community friends. And then go back to yelling at the TV.

             MIL is baby-crazy, but doesn’t seem to want to come up here by herself (health and money are non-issues- she seems to “not want to impose.”).

          3. Speak for your own older men! My 95 year old grandpa loves nothing more than bouncing a baby on his knee.

             1. +1

             2. My dad just spent all weekend taking my sister’s 6 week old from her or her husband because he wanted to “spend time with his granddaughter.” :)

    2. You are being reasonable.

       Someone shoot me when I demand that someone fly with a wee baby across time zones.

    3. Sounds like they’re homebodies who don’t want to travel – is that right?

       I would have DH say to them straight out, sorry, we can’t visit for another [6 months]/[1 year], I just started this job and have no vacation time accrued and we can’t travel across the country only for a weekend.

       Then just keep inviting them as you have been.

       1. I think this is exactly right. Keep an open invitation (within reason) for them to come visit you and see the baby. But have your husband tell them flat-out that you will not be traveling for the foreseeable future.

          And yes, I recently flew with out 23-month old son and 5-month old baby. The five month old was a breeze. He ate on the plane and immediately fell asleep for the entire (2 hour) flight. The 23-month old…not so much.

          1. This. It’s your husband’s job to set boundaries with them (nicely). Look, at the end of ther day, anybody can make whatever demands on you – ridiculous and inconvenient demands. You just don’t have to honor them. And you shouldn’t ever feel guilty about not honoring unreasonable demands. Life’s too short for that sh1t.

    4. I think you are being totally reasonable. My parents live a full travel day away, and they have made a massive (and much-appreciated effort) to visit us since my daughter was born. I have made a few trips (~2 hr flight) to meet up with them at an intermediate location where I could also visit with extended family.

       I will add – however – that if you want to make a goodwill gesture and visit them, flying with a ~6 month old is really not too bad, especially if you are breastfeeding. Rent a carseat at your destination, and have the in-laws get the necessary bulky baby gear (somewhere to sleep, a pack of diapers). I have taken probably 10+ trips with my daughter since she was born in 2012, mostly by myself, and the first trip at 6 mo was by far the easiest!

       1. I know we could. But then the precedent has been set. If they were ill, financially burdened, hell, if they were even old! But they’re in their 60s, healthy, have been retired since early 50s and have nothing better to do than visit us. FIL doesn’t love flying (actually, he just doesn’t like people), but not anymore than I detest it! And I have a baby!

          If someone was sick, or if it were a big occasion (milestone birthday, wedding, etc) we would fly down there. But seriously? We try and face-time with them and I send them pictures all the time. DH is the only kid, so I know they’d like to see more of us. But we don’t live down there, and they don’t live up here!

          1. I get how annoying and challenging dealing with parental inertia is – my parents didn’t visit me for 2 years when I lived a 5 hour drive away and I was expected to travel to them. I don’t think you should be forced to travel through guilt or passive aggressive comments (how annoying is that!) and I agree that there should be more give-and-take in this relationship now that there is a small child to wrangle, but I also don’t think you should draw a line in the sand and refuse to travel to see DH’s parents outside of big events. Of course, you have to do it when it’s convenient – maybe now is not the right time, but maybe in a few months it would work. You wouldn’t be setting some sort of precedent where you’re forced to travel to them all the time. But it sort of sounds like you just don’t want to visit them out of spite. Maybe I’m misreading your tone.

    5. Not unreasonable at all. Hold your ground. If they really want to see your kid, they will travel. Otherwise, they will wait. The end.

    6. I think you have been very reasonable. I would try to think of some time in the “future” (i.e. the next year) when you might be able to go to your in-laws, and let them know that time. For example, this summer, or next year’s Xmas. Then at least “something” is on the books. And then keep inviting them – and if possible ask them for a specific date, which may be harder for them to decline. But make sure you and your husband are on the same page, and let him do the inviting. I can’t imagine with all the recent changes in you/your husband’s lives trying to squeeze in “quick” weekend visits away from home. Ugh.

       It is interesting reading posts on challenging family dynamics with in-law visits. I sympathize and would hate dealing with it. Our family has some issues “on the other side” of things….

       My brother is in the only sibling married, with one daughter – the only grandchild. His wife (my SIL) is an over-protective mother and has some issues… the child is now almost 8 and has never been left alone with a babysitter. SIL never felt comfortable with the females from our side of the family around her daughter (me and my Mom), and my brother admits to us she is “jealous” of any lost time/attention. Grandchild is on one coast, grandparents (my parents) in Midwest.

       As is common, the SIL’s parents (even though live in another country) see the grandchild much more, although that is kept “secret”. My mother was so sad and hurt that she saw the grandchild so little, and now she recently died of cancer. My brother and his family only visit once a year at Xmas now. It is heart breaking for my father.

       Grandchildren…. such a loaded issue.

       1. Oh I know. I could fill novels about my aunt and my MIL who are so hurt that they are the “B” grandmas. Although my MIL feels a lot better now that she has found out that her “competition” (aka, her DIL’s mother) doesn’t see the grandkids as often as my MIL was imaging. The drama.

          1. So true– my parents live five minutes away and are more tolerable, so we see them voluntarily a lot more. My husband’s parents are about half an hour and are just painful, so it’s not as easy going. They are NOT happy that we had my parents come to Europe with us, so now they want us to go to Vietnam with them. Which would be a great offer . . . if we could get through brunch without wanting to strangle them for their strange, pot-stirring, passive aggressive and self-aggrandizing comments. Anyway.

          2. “B” grandmas… I die. We don’t have kids yet but seeing this issue play out w/ my BIL/SIL just terrifies me. One time BIL did not pick up the phone and FIL said “Probably because they were booking flights to [“A” Grandma’s city].”

    7. I get how annoying this is. But I would really encourage you to take the long view on this. Sure, it’s easier for them to come see you. But part of the joy of grandparenting is showing the baby off to the friends. You don’t have to go every weekend, but there are ways to make this work.

       I would find a time in the future – a three day weekend, the Fourth of July, whatever – and make plans to come stay with them. Put it on the calendar, buy tickets, etc. Then I would invite them to come see you at a time certain – something like, “We would love to see you this spring before our big trip to you. Is there a good time in March for you to come visit?” I think an open invitation actually feels like no invitation. A specific invitation is much better. And as for the vacation – well, in my family, while my parents love my kids, they also love me. They are happy to babysit in short doses, but they really love to be with us as a whole family. (In other words, they are interested in relationships, not babysitting. I can’t fault them for that.) So a vacation where the grandparents babysit and you guys lounge is unlikely to be at the top of the list.

       I understand how hard it is to travel with an infant (I have two, and both families are a long way away!). But I do think it’s a little unreasonable to make this a line in the sand. You’re building a relationship here. Just as you want them to make an effort to see you, it makes sense for you to make an effort to see them.

       1. +1

          I’d set up an annual visit to their home. Maybe alternate between Christmas and 4th of July. Then keep the open invitation to your home, and ideally actively set up dates with them. Maybe they can get in the habit of coming out for Halloween or your/baby’s birthday.

          I get it. We have two kids and live similar distance from family. Yes, in an ideal world they would come to you. Yes, it’s a huge hassle to travel with little ones and it’s fair for you to be frustrated. But that’s life, and I encourage you to take the long view. Your kids will thank you later when they have a good relationship with their grandparents. Okay, they probably won’t actually thank you, but you’ll be happy that you did it.

          FWIW, it’s *hugely* helpful to keep the basic gear (ie, bed, high chair, carseat) and some toys/books at their home. Also, travelling with a baby is actually easier than traveling with a toddler (preschoolers are a relative breeze), so make your trip now!

    8. Who was the one to move away? If they moved from your home town to retire than they should bear the travel to see you. If you moved away from hometown then you should bear the travel of seeing them at least part of the time.

18. I posted a few weeks back about my friend who lays her new born baby in the crib with a boppy pillow around his head. I was worried because I’ve heard from multiple sources that nothing should be in the crib with a baby, not even a blanket. Saga continues, maybe I’m a crazy paranoid person that will be psychotic when I have a baby.

    DH and I went over to their house last week for dinner (we brought food over). The husband answered the door and he didn’t have the baby, we walked into the kitchen and no baby. I said where’s the baby? Husband said, oh he’s laying in his room, you can go grab him if you would like. I was thinking he’s laying in his crib. I go into the nursery and he’s laying on the changing table. It’s actually not a changing table, it’s a changing pad with sides that slope up and it’s on top of a dresser (I don’t know if that’s pertinent info). Anyway, I immediately went and picked him up and stood there thinking “what the HE*LL are they thinking leaving him by himself on the changing pad???” He was about 4 weeks when this occurred.

    Event #2: The mother of the new baby and I had plans to go to a low key dinner on Saturday. I went over to their house and she answered the door without the baby. I said, where’s the baby? He was in their basement, on the couch, in a weird position where he would have had to make one move and fall off. She was putting him in his carseat and she said “Oh man, his hair is all greasy because I slathered him down with sunscreen earlier for our walk”. I’m thinking – I don’t think you’re supposed to put sunscreen on a 5 week old baby and certainly not slather them down.

    As of now, I have said nothing about these events because it’s not my kid and I don’t want to be the friend that doesn’t have kids but seems to know everything about raising them properly. Am I overreacting? Should I say something? I consider this friend to be one of my better friends.

    1. I don’t know anything about sunscreen, but 4-week-old babies can’t even turn over, right? Is there really a danger of them falling off a changing table? (Maybe there is – I don’t know, to be honest.)

       1. Yeah, they don’t generally roll over that early. That being said, it’s a bad habit to get into because you don’t get a warning when your kid will suddenly learn the new trick of rolling over.

       2. They can squirm and move. My daughter was in her first week or so of life and turned 180 degrees in her crib by squirming. So a baby could easily squirm its way off a table or couch.

          Ugh, and I was the one commenting that a boppy wasn’t so bad and we should give the mom a pass.

          1. 4wk old can definitely move enough. Rolling is not necessary. It’s surprising how much they can wiggle.

             The boppy I could dismiss, and the sunscreen really is no big deal, but leaving unattended on the changing table for a second much less the time to get the door is absolutely 100% frightening.

          2. Me too. I too commented that a boppy in the crib is not a big deal and I still stand by that. But these two examples you just shared have my hair standing on end… you don’t leave a baby unattended on a changing pad on top of a dresser or on a couch! That’s a bad accident waiting to happen. Speak up. She may not like you doing so and may not agree that you are right, but I am sure it will at least make them pause next time they are about to leave the baby unattended.

          3. This is what I meant when I said in my last post that she/they are not educated on newborn baby care.

             I told my husband I was going to mention to my friend the dangers of laying the baby on the changing table and couch unattended and he said that I should stop judging them and that it’s their kid. GRRRR.

             I don’t know why she doesn’t just lay him on the floor, it’s better than the couch. He can’t fall anywhere.

             I’m going to say something to her. Please let me know how you think I can best present the discussion.

             1. The floor is good! (Unless there’s an older sibling or pet on the loose).

          4. +1. My son rolled over at 7 days and scared the crap out of me.

       3. This is probably true, but you never know when they’re going to start rolling. I live where there are earthquakes, so you would never do this anyway. Either way, I think it’s super weird to leave a tiny baby in any of these positions/locations other than to maybe walk across the room and grab something. Crib/pack n play/bouncy seat yes, changing table or sofa, no.

          It’s not neurotic to be vigilant with a newborn. There’s plenty of time later on to accidentally let a toddler roll off the couch and bonk their head, or fall on the hardwood and split their chin (my kid), or fall out of the tree they’re climbing when they’re 7.

          I wouldn’t have some big sit down discussion, but I would casually say something or ask about it when the stuff happens. She sounds like she needs a little help, and if you actively try to avoid sounding like a know it all, I bet she’ll take it fine.

       4. It’s not common at all, but I do actually have a friend whose babies both rolled at about 3 weeks. Which might be a useful anecdote if you do actually want to bring it up…

    2. I left my baby on the changing pad you describe until she was at least 3 months. She didn’t go anywhere. Babies that young can’t move (usually). However, I never did it for long, or unless absolutely necessary. and I wouldn’t have done so with guests over.

       1. I understand turning around to grab a diaper or something but he literally came and answered the door and asked us if we wanted a beer. He was away from the baby for at least 2 minutes and wasn’t in a hurry to go get him. i.e. he said oh he’s just laying in his room.

       2. Yeah, that’s when I’ve done it — leave on the changing table to take a few steps away to grab a towel. And the entire time I did that I was repeating to myself “don’t move don’t move don’t move.”

    3. Oof. No, 4-week old babies can’t roll, but the thing is you never know WHEN a baby might start to roll, which is why you shouldn’t leave them on any raised surface without railings. Before my son started rolling I would only leave him in the middle of a king-sized bed if I was staying in the room but turning away (e.g. to pull clothes out of a drawer). And on a couch, even if they’re not rolling, you never know when they might flail, or cough, or do something to move.

       The best advice I can think of is to try to ask innocently about it. “Oh! Baby’s on the changing table! Gosh, aren’t you scared baby might roll off?” “No, baby can’t roll yet.” “Oh! Gosh! But what if he decides to start rolling while he’s on the table?”

       The sunscreen bothers me less . . . although babies generally shouldn’t be in the sun much, period. They should be under a visor / blanket / in the shade.

       1. I think that’s the prevailing thought on sunscreen under 6 months or something– don’t use it and just use a hat/stroller shade, etc. If I were going to use it, I would buy some of that non-chemical stuff. Whereas I have no problem using an industrial sized can of coppertone sport on my older kids.

          Not sure I would say anything, but you could be like, “oh you can use sunscreen on babies that small?” Maybe it would just make them think to look it up or ask their doctor.

    4. You are not overreacting. Our baby did some sort of weird flip when he was 6 weeks old and flew off the changing table (same curvy-side cushion). I was in the room but 3-4 feet away and literally had to dive to keep him from hitting the floor – caught him maybe 18 inches from the ground, scraped my knee on our hardwood floor.

       As a mother of an infant, I am harshly judged often for every decision I make, it seems. From my perspective, YMMV, I would only want a friend to intervene if they knew how a decision I was making was putting my child in immediate, possibly life-threatening harm.

       So, suncreen, no. Size of food – no. Leaving him where a fall could cause an injury? YES. Leaving him alone with food for minutes at a time? YES.

       That would be my criteria – if it is a bad practice, or even if it is only going to have long-term health effects (i.e. when he is 6 mo old they only feed him twinkies and oreos), just leave it alone. But if it’s something that is widely known to have a risk of possible serious injury/death, then SAY SOMETHING.

       I also have a cousin who is the surviving child of a sibling who died from SIDS.
       And I’m your friend.

       So now you can truthfully say, “Hey, you might want to watch out. I have a friend whose child flipped off the changing table at 6 weeks.” And (generally) “I would be so scared of SIDS. What do you guys do to stay calm about that?”

       Finally, find out who their pediatrician is. If something else happens that really concerns you, you can call their pediatrician and say “I’m very concerned about X, can you not let them know I called but please talk to them about it during the next visit?” One of the perks(!) of a new child is visits every 2 weeks to month the first few months of life. They should be going back to visit the doctor at 2 months.

       1. I would add – I’d probably call the pediatrician over the SIDS issue if they give any pushback or seem totally ignorant of it, rather than trying to “inform” or argue with them.

    5. I am generally in favor of being non-judgemental with new parents, but I am kind of worried about your friends. I am a pretty laid back parent but I frankly think your friends are either totally lacking in common sense and/or having been paying zero attention to anything people in the hospital or at the pediatrician have said about kids. I guess that if they were my friends, I would be worried that this giant blind spot would lead to something worse down the road. So I would try to say something, whether it’s directly to them or to the pediatrician. I guess it’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but no parent I know would ever ever leave their child alone on a changing table in another room.

       (Full disclosure: I left my daughter on a low ottoman when she was about 4 weeks old. I had to run to the bathroom to vomit (I had food poisoning). She wriggled off and fell maybe 2 feet to the carpeted floor. She was fine but I felt HORRIBLE, and I will never do this again….even if I have to throw up everywhere.)

       1. This is what I worry about too – something really bad happening in the future. It doesn’t help that the husband hasn’t slowed down his drinking that much and will hold and carry the baby after having multiple drinks. This just increases the risk that something bad is going to happen.

          1. Right- and the fact that they are “laid back” isn’t going to help them be less upset if something bad happens.

             Being judgmental is stuff like, don’t you think you should breastfeed longer? Or haven’t you heard that slings are better than bjorns? This is on a different level.

             What if you got them a basic baby book (I don’t know, your new baby and you? parenting for dummies?) and said it was a hand me down from a fictional friend/coworker/relative? Check it before to verify that it has good basic safety stuff, like not leaving them on raised surfaces and cutting up grapes and hot dogs for them.

19. With the cold weather in NYC the past few weeks, I’ve realized there are a few winter staples that I need to replace/upgrade. Does anyone have any advice for the following items? (1) Warm winter gloves that are appropriate to wear into the office (so, not ski gloves), maybe shearling or cashmere-lined, looking to spend under $100; (2) warm socks for weekends/casual wear; and (3) tall shearling-lined winter boots, ideally waterproof, that are not too clunky or childish, looking to spend under $300 (maybe the Uggs Brooks boots? I don’t like the look of most Sorels). Thanks in advance, hive :)

    1. I know many people like SmartWool socks, but google Wigwam silk merino hiker socks. Not cheap but I live in them from fall to spring and I have the happiest toes on the planet. And on a day like today with the air temp of -15 and wind chill of -35, happy toes are critical.

       1. I’mma let you finish, but Wigwam silk merinos are the greatest socks of all time.

          OF ALL TIME!

          1. +100000000000 OF ALL TIME!

       2. Varma socks via Iceland…best ever, especially around the house. I do wash/dry them in the machines, but I turn them inside out.

    2. Sorels aren’t actually that warm (plus, where I live, they’re a sign of a winter [or Sundance] novice). I’ve been seeing Frye shearling-lined boots at N o r d s t r o m Rack for the last few months that are amazing. I’ve also been really happy with my Emu boots (they fit me better than Uggs) and LL Bean’s fleece-lined leather duck boots.

       1. I have North Face boots that I wear for snowshoeing and other out-in-the-snow activities, and I’m a big fan. Agree that Sorels aren’t actually super-warm, in my experience.

          1. +1 Northface Janney II. So warm!

       2. Which Sorels are you talking about? I know they have different fashion styles at, but anything duck boot style with the removable insulated layer should be plenty warm for an NYC winter.

          1. I live at 7,000 feet above sea level. My definition of cold has changed since I left NYC.

    3. GLOVES! Please someone answer the question about gloves. I have the same need.

    4. Falke soft merino knee high socks. They’re cotton inside, merino wool outside, and thin enough to wear under regular boots and shoes. So soft, so warm!

20. Unemployed 3L here. Applied for my (entry level) dream job in mid December and have been waiting to hear back since. I know it hasn’t been that long in the scheme of things, but oh how much I want this job. For the last week it’s pretty much been the 2nd or 3rd thing I think about in the morning-will I hear anything today? I keep trying to push it down/out of my mind but it’s so hard!

    1. Apply for more jobs. The only way to get a job out of your mind while you’re waiting is to go after more jobs.

       1. Similar situation. Jobs aren’t, as they say, thick on the ground.

21. Having reply issues, so posting here.

    Gloves: I’ve always worn leather gloves, lined in cashmere, past-wrist length (so they don’t leave an open space on my wrist before my sleeves start). I’ve bought the store brands from Nordstrom and I think L&T or Saks, and they’ve all been nice and within your price range.

    Boots: I have Cole Haan Air Avalanches (Google it), and I love them. Very warm. Even though they are sporty, they are stylishly so. Not for wet weather.

    1. Thank you, and my soon to not be so cold fingers thank you.

22. Hi, Anyone live in Pittsburgh currently? Any thoughts on what it would be like to move there as a single 30-something lady? What other cities would you compare it to? Thanks!

    1. I have friends who live there and when we would go out when I’ve visited, it seemed like it was all college students or older couples and not a lot of people in their late 20’s and thirties. Maybe I was in the wrong area, but the nightlife was lacking. It seemed like it would be hard to date, if you were so inclined, but I could be wrong about that.

       1. I would disagree with all of this. There is plenty of nightlife for a city its size, and plenty of people in their 20s and 30s. And I was actually going to write in my comment below that I think it’s fairly easy to date there, at least compared to NYC, where I am now.

       2. This is what I am worried about. In the interview they clearly assumed I had kids, etc and were surprised that I did not.

    2. I don’t live in Pittsburgh currently, but I am from there & lived there 2.5 years ago. And I, like most Pittsburghers, love it! I think it would be a great place to move to, regardless of age or relationship/family status. Housing is cheap, people are very friendly, there’s lots to do. The restaurant scene has started to get really hot. I constantly think about moving back & will probably do so within the next few years. I’m in my late 20s, FWIW.

       As for comparisons, I have family in Richmond and it reminds me a lot of PGH. Portland is also comparable, but is not surrounded by miles and miles of suburbs like PGH is.

       1. Thanks! Portland Maine or Oregon?

          Also, what is the transit there like? Could I get by without a car or would have to buy one?

          Any neighborhoods that I should look for? I currently live in Brooklyn and would ideally like something with a similar vibe.

          1. Portland, OR.
             You would need a car. It can be done without a car, but your quality of life would be much better with one! The transit is okay. I’d say most people take the bus to/from work, but drive everywhere else. Or bike & drive.

             I also live in Brooklyn! I think good neighborhoods would be Lawrenceville, Shadyside or Squirrel Hill. Highland Park is esp affordable if you want to buy, but more residental/quieter. I like the South Side Flats, but it gets really overrun on the weekend nights (think East Village).

    3. I live there and was a single late-20s lady for most of that time (got into a relationship at age 29 after 5 years single, got married at 30).

       I love the city itself. The (high) quality of life for the (low) cost of living is exceptional.

       If you are outgoing, or socially ambitious, you will find friends and a community. There are a lot of meetup groups, rec sports teams, etc. available. I will say that it can be hard if you are more introverted because people won’t come to you – you have to go to them. Many people here are from the area and thus already have friends and family around. It’s not like NYC/DC/Chicago/etc where there are tons of transplants and everyone is looking for new friends all the time. It is also relatively common for people to get married and have children in their 20s, but not /everyone/ does that – you will find others who haven’t.

       1. This is what worries me. I am not particularly out-going and I work in a field that isn’t really conducive to making friends.

       2. Cosign, as someone who moved to a small city in the Midwest after living in D.C. and L.A. It’s great once you’re on the inside, socially speaking, but it can be a challenge getting there. One of the advantages of a smaller community is that as you start to meet people with similar interests, you will likely see them again and again much sooner than in a large city, as there are fewer places for people to gather. Based on you personality and job, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone. For example, many people who have lived in the same place all their lives are unaware of the challenges transplants face, so you might have to be more open about hinting for invites to Superbowl parties, Thanksgiving gatherings, and the like.

23. Is it possible to go in-house with only a patent litigation background? The jobs I have seen all require patent prosecution experience. FWIW, I have an EE/CS bachelors, but no experience with or desire to do prosecution.

    1. I have nothing to offer, but I’m going to shamelessly ask where you’ve seen inhouse patent pros jobs listed, I was sure that well had mostly dried up in the last few years!

       1. I’ve been sent some listings by recruiters and I’ve also seen come across some on job aggregator sites like Indeed.

24. I don’t know if this has been recommended before, but I just finished reading the book “Wonder” by RJ Palacio. I honestly feel like this should be required reading for the entire human race. It’s a young adult book, very easy to read. Seriously, go read this book. You can be done today. :)

    1. I loved that book too! And so did my nine year old daughter.

       1. My son is almost 8 and I’m debating whether he could handle it yet. I think I’ll give it one more year.

    2. Thanks! I had made a mental note when it cam out but then completely forgot. Sent the sample to my kindle now.

25. PSA: Macy’s has August Silk sweaters for $4.99, cardigans for $5.99 and shells for $2.99 http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/august-silk-sweater-three-quarter-sleeve-silk-blend-scoop-neck?ID=1254357&CategoryID=260&LinkshareID=RvEiSnI7NyY-_aeJyXhi9LXJhli2ESykTQ&PartnerID=LINKSHARE&cm_mmc=LINKSHARE-_-5-_-63-_-MP563

    1. Are these any good? Should I buy one in ever color?

       1. Seriously? I want to buy a few, even if they’re just okay. I was just thinking that I need some basic, solid colored sweaters to wear underneath my blazers and scarves.

          1. I just bought one in each color. So cheap… crazy. I similarly need some simple, jewel tone basics. 3/4 sleaves are perfect for me too.

             I have found this brand to be mid/lower end, obviously, and you must be careful when washing.

             Considering I just bought 4 sweaters for the cost of an impulse buttercream order yesterday (See’s Candies), I can’t complain….

       2. I ordered 9. They’re each shipping separately.

    2. I have two August Silk twinsets I bought back in 2007 that are still going strong. One has lost a little color, but I think that was due to a laundry mishap, not to quality.

    3. Just note, these are “easy fit”, so if you like more fitted clothing they are probably not for you.

    4. Awesome – thanks for the PSA! Just bought a ton of these…. so affordable. Very excited!

    5. Thanks! Just bought a few of each of these! I probably would have bought a lot more, but lots of colors in my size were already gone in the shell and cardigan! Bought one of every color of the top though!

26. Okay, I don’t know what is wrong with me, but scotch tape is being The Bane Of My Existence right now!!! I keep trying to pull off a piece, and it keeps shredding lengthwise! And I wanted to use packing tape, but apparently we are out and no one bothered to write it down so they could restock! Why is taping things so hard???

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