ByKat Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Sasha Shirt

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Thomas Pink Sasha Shirt BlackOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. If you're normally a Brooks Brothers kind of girl as far as button-front blouses go, Thomas Pink can be a nice way to change it up — the blouses are generally more expensive, but in my experience I've found the fabrics to feel more luxe and the fit to be better. (Why are the Brits always better at all things concerning the bust?!?) The pictured blouse, the Sasha, is $185. Thomas Pink Sasha Shirt Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

320 Comments

  1. My brother is getting married next month, and I’m not feeling inspired by any of the options in my closet or that I’ve seen at the mall. RTR isn’t an option due to location/logistics. I’m 30, petite (about 5’3″), and small framed (about 110 lbs), with an hourglass to slight pear figure. I usually go for sheath or wrap dresses, but I feel like I may be in a rut. So let’s say I’m open to any style, so long as it works in family photos (different or unique is fine, outrageous dress covered in feathers is not). What is an interesting, but hopefully re-wearable, cocktail dress you’ve seen lately? Bonus points if it has sleeves because I’m always cold.

    1. Does the wedding have colors? Are the bridesmaids wearing a certain color? Just thinking about what colors would blend best for family photos.

      1. Good question! There is no wedding party, but the men of the family will be in dark suits and most of the women are planning to wear solids instead of prints. Just need to avoid white and red.

    3. Yay! Kat, I love Brook’s Brother’s blouses and this Sasha Blouse. I recomend wearing these blouse’s underneathe a cashemere sweater. Over the weekend, I bought 3 cashemere sweater’s (and a few other thing’s) when dad unfroze my credit card. He froze it back again b/c I ran up to much money saveing on all of the new stuff I got at Nordstrom’s. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, you do NOT say how old you are, and if you are in the wedding party as a bridesmaid, and if you are lookeing to get married yourself. These issue’s all make a big difference. I think that unless the bride has a set pattern for colors, I would stick with a very simpel short black cocktail dress (at least 5 inches above the knee) with 3 1/2 to 4 inch heels (closed toe pump’s). This way, you will NOT steal the show from the bride, but you will be VERY VISIBEL to any man who is interested in dateing you. You do NOT want to go to run and catch the bookaye, either, b/c that will make you look desperate for a guy. Good luck to you and I hope you to will find a guy and get MARRIED soon — that is my goal so that I do NOT have to come to work every morning. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    4. Nordstrom has had a lot of navy lace dresses in recent months. I think that can always be a good option and can be fun to accessorize with brighter colors.

    6. Given your size and shape, I would go to BCBG and tell them what you’re looking for. When I weighed a few pounds less (your weight), I would find dresses that were very flattering to a smaller frame there. I’ve often found that other brands have dresses that make me look frumpy because they’re actually meant for women who are taller.

      1. +1 I’m a somewhat similar shape (5’4, 115lbs, post baby figure) and have been stalking BCBG dresses at ThredUp because they fit well and are really fun.

    8. I have lovely burgundy stretch lace “skater” dress I like for winter wedding. It has sleeves and a nice length somewhere between mid-thigh and the knee. I got it at a ridiculously cheap mall store, but I bet you could get a nicer version. I am not petite, but I think it would be flattering on petites.

  2. In the spirit of the holidays, I am interested in hearing what organizations you supported for Giving Tuesday…

    1. I gave to a local food bank in our area, donated hats/coats/scarves to a local shelter for the homeless, gave to the toys for tots bin at my gym, and picked up a bunch of kids hats/gloves for my son’s school annual outerwear drive (to a different local shelter). Leftover cyber Monday sales (and store coupons) were really helpful in stocking up for the outerwear drives!
      We also make a fairly large donation to No Child Hungry every Christmas, but that’s going to have to wait until my next paycheck.

    2. My list was pretty extensive, these are just the big ones: my alma maters (undergrad and law school), Habitat for Humanity, Planned Parenthood, Doctors Without Borders, American Red Cross, local homeless shelter (I volunteer there too), a few local humane societies, and a local food bank.

      I try to add one or two to the list every year. And there are a few that I give to at other times of year – public radio, museums, zoo.

    3. I’m going to be donating to my company’s Christmas charity when that is discussed/finalized next week. But in the spirit, I:

      -donated cupcakes to a fundraiser (semi-pro baker)
      -registered to be a “BeTheChange” donor
      -have a phone call tomorrow with an organization I would like to volunteer with

    4. I didn’t know there was something called Giving Tuesday. However, this year I am grateful that I am in a position to give. I donated to local food bank, funded two children for their education in a poor country, wikipedia, a monastry and donated to foundation for ichthyosis and related skin types (FIRST).

      I have Keratosis Pilaris and it impacted my life very negatively so much that I just didn’t want to have children (though I love children very much) because I was scared that they would be impacted too. The lotion they helped develop cleared it up and literally gave my life back. I am forever thankful to them.

      1. I am late to this, but really curious about how severe your KP was that it made you feel that way. Do you mind elaborating? Also, may I ask about this magic lotion?

        1. I felt it was pretty bad and obvious (again this is my feeling, someone else may have felt different). It never used to wear any clothing that exposed my skin (always in pants and full sleeved tops). I avoided any circumstance that required me and show my skin (like going to the beach or pool or undressing in gym dressing rooms in front of others). I avoided making friends because I didn’t want to deal with the questions about why my skin was different, people getting scared that it may be contagious. I never had a boy friend till I was 24 years old purely due to this. My eyes tear up writing this, it was so painful to live.

          The lotion that I use is http://dermaltherapy.com/product.asp?ID=20

          KP on my hands is completely gone and I don’t even feel dry skin. On my legs, it is about 75 – 80% better (i.e no bumps), but skin feels a bit dry even now. I didn’t have KP on other parts of my body. It took two – three months for the results. I have been using this from last three years and I have maintained it at that level. It is such a relief to be able to live a normal life.

    5. We do quite a bit without really even realizing it…I usually donate several items of food on several different occasions at the grocery to our local food pantry. We also sponsor food drives at work, and the kids’ school. Our work organization sets up our own “angel tree” for employees’ families (children & grandchildren) who meet LMI criteria for christmas presents. Our department (20-some odd folks) have “adopted” sibling boys 3 and 5. Our department is always super generous, and I am excited that these kids are going to have a great christmas.

      We also donate supplies every year to our local school supply drive; plus extra $$ for school field trips to subsidize classmates who can’t afford them.

      DH and I have been volunteering in EMS for a combined 35+ years.

      I am also very thankful to be in a position where I am able to give.

    6. I haven’t made all of my charitable contributions for the year yet but yesterday gave to Wikipedia. I use it ALL the time and it’s run by a small staff.

    7. Crohns and Colitis Foundation (triple match for the day), Lutheran Charities K9 Comfort Dogs, Lutheran Charities K9 for veterans program, local community health care center. I also give a lot of my time to our local animal shelter and will be giving them a cash donation by year end.

      I also suggested to my credit card company that they offer bonus points for donations made via the card. They seemed to like the idea and are passing it up for consideration. The more voices they hear the more likely they are to do it so if you like it, suggest it. It could be their way of supporting giving Tuesday.

    8. We usually contribute through work organized programs, but this year we’re giving care packages to homeless families in our neighborhood through my daughter’s daycare.

    9. I give to a bunch of reproductive health/women’s health organizations that focus on abortion access:
      — the national network of abortion funds
      — rh reality check
      — law students for reproductive justice
      — naral pro-choice texas
      — la frontera fund (texas abortion fund)

      1. How about Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice? I don’t belong to any religious group right now, but I like supporting this group that makes it clear that not every religion or religious person is anti-choice.

        1. they are a great org doing great work. I am atheist, so it’s not my cup of team. But they are great.

    10. For those who may not be in a financial position to donate money, there’s always blood. I always want to donate blood, but for various reasons I’m not eligible. Anyone want to donate in my place?

      1. I’m donating double next week. It was on my 2015 to do list to donate blood 4 times, and somehow the year got away from me so I’ll be double donating twice instead. (You donate double reds and get back your other blood so you can donate more at once. You have to be a giant lady to do it but I’m a giant lady.)

      2. I wish the Red Cross would update their donor eligibility. I’m still banned from donating because of mad cow concerns.

        1. I used to be banned and then they just stopped asking the question they used to ask me. It didn’t get any attention and I kind of wonder if I dreamed the whole thing…

      3. If you can’t donate money, or blood, you can always donate your time or services. I am also not eligible to donate blood because I don’t weigh enough.

        1. I learnt knitting recently. So I am planning to knit many baby sweaters/caps while watching TV in 2016 and donate them. Acrylic is cheap (which is preferred for babies in homeless shelters because it is easy to maintain) and I will have the satisfaction of doing something useful without scheduling time for it.

    11. I didn’t do Giving Thursday, but I contribute throughout the year:

      Local performing arts organization
      Sponsor a college student in Cambodia
      Rotary Foundation
      Rotary Polio Plus fund (polio almost eradicated worldwide — two countries to go!)
      Local food bank
      Some others that I am probably forgetting

      I also do some volunteering through my Rotary Club.

      1. D’oh! A big one is an organization that does grass-roots development projects in Cambodia. I donate and serve on the board.

    14. I give almost exclusively to animal charities, so this year I gave to Hope for Paws (local L.A. animal rescue); ROLDA (romanian animal rescue organization that helps feed/care for stray dogs in Romania), and ASPCA.

    15. Alma maters, local food bank, nature conservancy, heifer international, Wikipedia, local NPR, kids’ public school.

    16. I didn’t donate yesterday, but I sponsor a woman through Women for Women International each year and make regular donations to the Fistula Foundation. I also donate quarterly to our local food bank and go a bit overboard for our local kids Christmas toy drive each year.

      I also have two close friends who are actively involved in cancer research charities for diseases that have impacted their families meaningfully, so I make generous donations to their annual charity bike ride/walk fundraisers each year.

    17. I have recently initiated monthly donations to:

      The Wounded Warrior Project; and
      The Recon and Sniper Foundation

      due to a new special someone in my life (who does not know about this).

  3. Any suggestions of family therapists in the Twin Cities area? Or therapists in general? Thanks!

    1. Kate Heffelfinger, MA, PA Licensed Psychologist in St. Louis Park. Individuals and couples. Highly recommend.

  4. The case against the first Baltimore cop in Freddie Gray’s death is starting. I really hope there’s finally a conviction. The movement needs to see some justice is possible!

    3. I’m all for justice but we should actually look at the evidence before expecting a conviction.

  5. Gift help! I need to buy a travel mug for someone that wants to use it to drink from while walking their dog in the morning. Its a plus if they can put it in the microwave and dishwasher.

    2. The only thing I can think of as microwaveable would be ceramics, and those aren’t great for insulation or durability.

      If you can omit the microwave factor, I’m a big fan of Contigo, because stuff stays hot (or cold) for hours, and it never leaks. I consider needing to put a travel mug in the microwave a major fail, because that means it let my drink get cold.

      1. I agree. My Contigo travel mug is great. Although the lid is dishwasher safe, the body isn’t, but that’s to preserve the vacuum seal that keeps my coffee hot for up to 6 hours a day.

        1. I’ve been putting my Contigo mug in the dishwasher for about 2 years now and it has not impacted the vacuum seal.

          1. There are a few different styles of Contigo — if the body of the vessel is all metal, it typically can’t go in the dishwasher. If the top and bottom of the vessel are rimmed with plastic, it usually can go in the dishwasher. All the lids I’ve seen are dishwasher safe. That said, I vastly prefer the all metal vessels I have, as they have locking lids and fit better in my car’s cup holder.

      1. HYDROFLASK.

        Also agree that I wouldn’t microwave the steel vacuum type flasks or dishwasher them either.

        1. Oh, yes, for sure not. My coworker got hers banged around in the dishwasher. Still serviceable, but not recommended. I just rinse it with water when I’m done using it, then a quick soap scrub when I get home and it’s ready to go. The lid can go in the dishwasher.

          You won’t need to microwave it because it will literally keep your liquids hot for 6 hours.

          And, uh, don’t micro metal…

    6. Keep cup! It’s a thick plastic version of a normal takeaway cup, essentially. I love mine. Available in small, medium, and espresso size. Now also in glass!

    7. I ordered a Copco on Amazon as a Christmas present. Super discount. $6 instead of $25. Can’t give feedback yet because I don’t have it yet.

    9. Just a quick note that you might want to consider that some mugs keep stuff SO hot that the recipient might find that it hasn’t cooled off enough during the entire walk! I have both the Contigo and Zojirushi, and while I love them for lasting all day, I have trouble drinking from them for literally an hour or more because it’s so hot. (Unless I do some maneuver where I pour the coffee in a ceramic mug first to let it cool a little, then transfer to a travel mug, blah blah… as a dog owner, I can tell you that is not the convenience factor I’d be looking for with this gift!)

      1. I love the Zojirushi, but I think it would be hard to drink from while walking a dog – the lid isn’t as easy (at least on mine) as a normal coffee mug.

  6. More gift shopping help please! My roommate told me last night she wants an address book for Christmas that has slots in the back for business cards – it doesn’t have to be the refillable kind, but if she wants business card slots, I think that’s the way it’s going to turn (which is fine). Something that has fun colors/patterns. She has a few Vera Bradley bags or bags with similar patterns.

  7. How do you deal with impostor syndrome? I’m being urged into a promotion that goes from supporting a business line to generating my own book of business (maybe best likened to associate –> partner?). All feedback to date is overwhelmingly positive and everyone thinks I’m near ready. However, I just don’t feel ready but can’t put my finger on exactly what else I need, apart from in my daily work I’m still learning so much – still making mistakes, for that matter, too. Do I need to just get out of my own way, say yes, and figure it out as it comes? Maybe the mistakes/missteps and learning cycle never stop. FWIW, compensation structure changes dramatically when you make the move (think: high risk = high reward). I can’t help but think about that stat that creeps up every so often that tells me X% more likely to take a promotion they otherwise don’t feel ready for while women are more likely to say no or wait longer. Am I shooting myself in the foot here by saying “no, not yet” to this promotion?

    1. Yeah, I think you would be shooting yourself in the foot. There’s no reason to think you’re not ready, it seems. I’ve been in a similar situation recently, and whenever I feel like I can’t do it or I’m not ready, I try to look at the situation through the eyes of a neutral third party observer. Then I convince myself that there’s no reason not to try and I’m just scared. It’s okay to feel scared, but not okay to act out of fear. That usually works for me.

    2. It sounds like we might be in similar lines of business, in which case you’re doing your potential clients a great service by (presumably) being a female in traditionally male industry. You will have the opportunity to help people immensely, and because you’re unique, you’ll be doing it in ways that others cannot. Put your gifts to work!

      Someone gave me this quote when I was thinking of changing careers (and did…) “If you have the chance, take it. If it changes you, let it.” Not to get too Pinterest-y, but don’t underestimate yourself – you’re way more capable than you think!

  8. How long does it normally take for a fit bit to learn to distinguish when the wearer is stepping from not stepping?

    Wearing my fitbit for the first time today. It logged over 500 steps during 20 minutes that I was driving. Is this to be expected? Or is there likely something defective with the fitbit?

    1. That’s unusual, but not sure if it’s just working out the kinks or if it’s an issue with the FitBit. Mine only logs more than a handful of steps while driving if I am doing serious car dancing. Were you doing serious car dancing this morning?

      1. Nope. Sitting like a stone because I had some doubts about the fitbit’s accuracy.

        1. I forget which fitness tracker, but one of mine would log car rides as bicycle rides. So that’s a thing that can confuse them.

    2. The speed matters. If I don’t take it off when I ride my horse, it logs those steps when I am traveling at walk or a slower speed that could be confused for running.

    3. I have a Flex that counted some of my drive time on a gravel road as steps. To be fair, my car needs a tune up pretty badly so I was bouncing around a fair bit.

    4. Mine sometimes counts steps when I’m driving and sometimes I wake up to find that I took like 13 steps in my sleep- I think it counts them when I toss and turn. It will always have a bit of error, but this can be lessened by wearing it on your non-dominant arm and making sure that you have this set correctly in the settings menu. Hubby found that it counts like 15000 steps for him to mow the yard on the riding mower. He found a way to disregard steps that it counted from x to y time. I’m not sure how he does this, but I’m sure its available in the FitBit forums.

    5. Do you have the FitBit set for your dominant hand or non-dominant hand? If it is set for non-dominant, maybe change it to dominant to see if it will let some of the arm movements (not associated with walking) go.

      But I know someone who wasn’t able to use a FitBit because it constantly over counted by A LOT. The technology just may not work for you.

    6. You can subtract those points online. Go to the activity log and and where there is a spot for extra exercise put in driving and the time range. Any steps logged during that time range will disappear.

  9. Ugh. I’m still in mourning that Thomas Pink decided to do away with all its fun colors and start doing boring neutrals like this shirt. :(

  10. Just checking. I know lots of male alumni who found it to be the singular defining thing in their lives and some USUHS grads (so I know a lot of female military medical people but not female non-medical people), but no women alumni. Was it just as good as it was for the men? Higher wash-out rate? I do some mentoring and would love to plug it, but feel like I’m missing the “Yes, absolutely” that I get from my guy friends.

    [FWIW, I wish that someone had encoraged me more about these when I was in high school. I loved, loved, loved my college and regret that I was too lazy to get out of bed early for ROTC, which many of my friends and sorority sisters did. I didn’t really give service academies a hard look and probably should have even if ultimately bad posture, sleeping in, no PT, and cheap beer won out in the end.]

    1. Former Army. I did ROTC, so I’m just speaking from hearsay, but I’ve noticed before that every.single.female I worked with who went to West Point got out when her initial contract was up. The guys are still in. The women are proud, but they seem to be living in the present – their civilian career, their families – more than posting hooah hooah stuff on FB. In contrast, some of my ROTC female friends who I thought for sure would get out are still in. Burn out? I don’t know.

      I did have a mentor who was an LTC when I was an LT who was in either the first or second class at West Point to admit women who did a full career. She was the only career female Pointer I ran across in my 6 years.

    2. I have tried probably a hundred homemade brownie recipes and have never found one that beats the box mixes. None of the homemade recipes are anywhere near as fudgy. (And I promise I’m not just a terrible baker – I make really good cookies, cakes, etc.)

      3. +1. Seems wrong to say it, but it’s so true. To me, homemade ones are either dry and cakey or basically warm batter. The Ghirardelli box mix is my jam.

    3. I have an old-school Betty Crocker recipe from my mom’s 1961 edition of the book. I make quadruple batches because it’s just that good. Fudgy and buttery and rich.

    4. Hopefully this doesn’t out me. This is my friend’s blog and the best brownie recipe I’ve ever made. The sour cream makes them really moist and delicious. I’ll post the link below.

      1. I like the Ghirardelli Triple Chocolate Mix – it has chunks of chocolate in it.

        If I’m feeling cutesy and I know no one has an allergy, I’ll add a half cup of marshmallows to the mix, and add a quarter cup of salted peanuts, a half cup of marshmallows, and a quarter cup of chocolate chips to the top with 10 minutes left, cover it, and let it all melt for the last eight minutes, then take the cover off and put it under the broiler for a minute to brown.

      2. I add almond extract and espresso powder to the Ghirardelli mix, then underbake them and refrigerate. Seriously fudgy and delicious (I’m hacking a Sarah Leah Chase recipe with the almond and refrigeration).

    8. I’ve never found a home-made recipe that tops the Ghirardelli box mixes. Never cakey, not too gooey.

    9. I always use Jamie Oliver’s “bloomin’ brilliant brownie” recipe and it’s never failed me.

    10. I’m with the people who tend to prefer the results from boxed mixes (basically, while I love butter, I don’t love brownies made with butter). I recently started making this (ridiculously easy) from scratch recipe and it is great. I frequently add chocolate chips, which makes them even better: http://www.food.com/recipe/the-best-brownies-54225

    11. ghiradelli baking bars has a great recipe on the back of the bar as well!! I also feel like their mixes are the best…..

    12. I’m a fan of the chewy texture of boxed brownies. My go-to recipe is Browneyed Baker’s chewy brownie recipe. It is from Cooks Illustrated. Great chew factor, especially when chilled, and great homemade-brownie flavor.

      2. If you like chewy brownies, get a gluten free boxed mix. I think I’ve used Glutino in the past but I’m not sure. My GF brownies always come out super chewy and fudgey. My parents prefer them to regular brownies now.

    13. Box mix and dump in a bunch of chocolate chips. I do this at work and people think I am some sort of baking genius.

  12. What is the deal with Lands End? I just looked at a receipt from something I bought two years ago–it was $17.00 on sale. The same item (ponte pants) are now SEVENTY NINE DOLLARS. Even at their deepest discount they are still $50! And the quality is worse now! It makes me so mad. I used to love Lands End and now I need to find yet another quality retailer.

    1. They have really extreme sales. I would be surprised if 40% off was the deepest discount.

    2. I am a LE junkie, but think of 40% as an initial offer. They key is to wait until January where things will be cut even further and then you’ll have a % off for that (usually 30%). Score!

    3. I scored a coat there on Sunday for $35, originally $109. I think the quality is still up to snuff, especially in knitwear since they make soft and actually thick sweaters.

      1. In general, I agree, but a couple of their new, trendier designs are cut poorly. The fabric is still good, but the cuts try to be trendy and end up failing. I bought a cute quilted vest the other week, and it’s incredibly cute, but uncomfortable to wear.

        I’m still weepy over the knitwear quality failures of J.Crew. I just shrank my 13-year-old favorite burnt orange wool sweater from there, and I’m at a loss to figure out where to get a new one.

    4. They definitely play the “jack up prices and then offer discounts all the time game”, and they have also cut the quality on their middle of the road items. I ranted about this on the Moms s!te other day – they sell kids winter boots (the Snow Flurry) for $49 full price that aren’t even waterproof! WTF? I also have a winter coat that had a snap pop off with it’s second wearing, and all the zipper pulls and extra straps on my son’s backpack are coming apart, whereas his first backpack from LE 3 years ago was made way sturdier and survived 2.5 years of abuse before the zipper gave out.

      I always wait for at least 30% off for their stuff, sometimes waiting until 40% or 50% off – and often, after the % off promos are over they will then put the items on sale for the exact same amount off.

      When their stuff is good, it’s good – but they are starting to offer a lot of items that have been cheapened from the original, and I no longer trust that I’m getting a quality product just because it’s Lands End. I know they have the “quality guaranteed” policy (I called to see if I could get my son’s backpack zipper repaired and they replaced it for free instead), but I don’t want to have to return the items – I just want them to last.

      I just made a big order on Thanksgiving/Black Friday, so I’m interested to see how the quality looks. For instance, I got my son a new replacement backpack for $15 that was originally $45, so I’ll be less grumpy if a $15 one doesn’t hold up for years, but I’d rather not replace backpacks every 6 months when they used to last 2-3 years.

      But yes, $79 ponte pants? No way. They are nice, but not that nice. I stock up during end of season sales for things like tshirts, long sleeved tees and cotton cardigans and so far they have held up relatively well (at least compared to the ones I buy from Target and Old Navy) but I’ll be interested to see if they are cheapened this year.

      1. The reviews are key. I was going to get their Expedition Coat (it’s basically a copy of the Canada Goose coat) but reviews were terrible, and got the Shimmer Coat instead. I ignored the reviews about the quilted vest, and am experiencing the exact same complaint as everyone else, so I’ll be returning it.

        1. I just ordered 3 down coats w/ the 50% off outerwear over Black Friday, all arriving today. We have a Sears/LE nearby so 2/3 are def going back.

          1. In my experience, Eddie Bauer’s coats are made much nicer than LE, and at a very similar price point!

      2. Just wanted to say I have been really happy with my kids’ LL Bean Backpacks. They have held up well. My high schooler also just switched to a Jansport that is holding up well so far.

  13. What great books have you read lately? I’ve gotten out of the habit of reading for fun recently and am looking to get back into it with something really good. I read mostly fiction but I like nonfiction too if it’s not too dry (I really enjoyed the Steve Jobs biography and The Boys in the Boat).

    1. I just finished Daring Greatly which was short, snappy, and quite thought provoking. Reading The Clasp which others have raved about – I’m not convinced!

    2. I recently read 11.22.63 about a time traveler and the JFK assassination and loved it. Also finishing up Erik Larson’s Dead Wake about the Lusitania (his Devil in the White City and In the Garden of Beasts are good also). Next up I’m reading Man in the High Castle about an alternate post-WWII reality.

      1. I read 11.22.63 when it first came out and absolutely loved it! I can’t wait for the JJ Abrams mini-series.

      2. I read Dead Wake this fall and loved it! Also Amazon adapted Man in the High Castle to a Prime show, I think I’ll read the book since I’ve already found the show to be so gripping.

        For something more classic, try some Nabokov. I’ve been going through his works lately and find him to be funny and wonderfully relevant even today.

        1. I’d never heard of the Man in the High Castle but the publicity has made me order the book. I’m very excited to read it

      3. 11.22.63 sounds really interesting, but I haven’t read Stephen King in years because I don’t really like creepy stories anymore. Is this more of a historical thriller, or will I find myself looking under the bed at night?

    3. Clive Cussler has this really great adventure/detective series that is set in the early 1900s. If you search for the Isaac Bell series you’ll find it. It has been a fun way to see the development of railroads, the transition from telegraph to telephone, etc. they are fun reads.

    4. I just finished Notorious Royal Marriages by Leslie Carroll – a really kind of fun read about the crazy royal marriages throughout the centuries (so clearly all 6 Henry VIII wives). It’s a good segmented read because the chapters don’t connect to each other.

    5. I loved The Boys In The Boat. In a similar style was Operation Mincemeat by Ben Macintyre. I’ve also just started Postwar by Tony Judt which is a huge book but amazingly interesting.

        1. I’ve now fallen into an internet hole, reading every entry from that link. Man, I hated Wild (book and movie).

    7. Stalin’s Daughter by Rosemary Sullivan. It’s a non-fiction, but absolutely riveting. I had read an excerpt in a local news paper, and I was so drawn in, that I bought the book that night, and burned through it, it was so well written, and very interesting. Just a fantastic book.

      1. I bought it and am giving it to my direct reports for Christmas. Haven’t actually read it…

    9. I just read ‘Station Eleven’ as part of my book club, which I really enjoyed. Am on a wait list for Stalin’s Daughter at my library!

    10. I recently finished The Martian, which I would recommend even if science is not your thing. Currently, listening to Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow. Thoroughly researched and well written. Doesn’t feel like a history lesson at all, but more like a riveting tale.

    11. The Namesake by Jumpa Lahiri
      The Good Girl by Mary Kubica (if you like thriller/Gone Girl-type reads)
      The Invention of Wings by Sarah Monk Kidd
      The Aviator’s Wife by Melanie Benjamin (historical fiction from the POV of Charles Lindbergh’s wife – I could not put this down)
      Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof (hard to read at times but important)
      The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (I can’t describe it but just read it, trust me)

    12. I’m reading the Tom Petty biography by Warren Zanes and it’s really good! I’ve just gone back and downloaded a bunch of his songs to my playlist, too.

  15. Advise me, oh hive!

    I have accepted a job that will start at the beginning of January. I’m doing the accounting version of going in house to a referral source.

    The last time someone at the firm quit, she was told to leave immediately, and was not paid for her two week notice period. She was going to a competitor, though, rather than a referral source.

    I can afford to be unemployed for two weeks, but I’m afraid to be uninsured, especially since my kid is on my health plan.

    What should I do? Take the personal risk of being told “you can’t quit, you’re fired!” or just give one day’s notice?

    Also, how does cobra work? Does it kick in right away? Should I get it for two weeks?

    1. This may vary by employer but often you’re paid up through the month so if you give notice after the 1st of the month, your coverage should last through the end of that month. You’d have to check with your HR though, which may be hard to do without tipping your hand.

    2. COBRA is retroactive – you can get it if you need it after the fact. It’s monthly though, so you’d have some overlap.

    3. You should research this further, but my understanding is that you do not have to elect COBRA coverage immediately, but can wait and if something happens during the two week period, you can then sign up for COBRA (as long as it is within 60 days of the qualifying event–loss of job) and the coverage is retroactive to day 1. You have to then pay the premium of course.

      1. This was my understanding as well (confirmed by HR). This was important because my coverage terminated on my last day of employment per my employers internal policy- don’t assume you have until the end of the month. My job ended on a Friday and my new job (with immediate eligibility for health insurance) started that following Monday. I was sweating not having insurance for those two days since I also have a child. But, we would have just elected COBRA immediately had something happened in that 48 hrs.

        1. Yes, this was my plan when I was between jobs as well – to elect for COBRA only if I absolutely needed to. I didn’t wind up needing to, thank goodness, but I was glad it was an option if we needed an emergency appendectomy or something ridiculously expensive.

          Depending on the COBRA rates, if you wind up needing care for something not too expensive (trip to pediatrician for ear infection + antibiotics, for instance) it would probably be cheaper to pay out of pocket than to pay for COBRA – COBRA is really really pricy.

          Have you confirmed when your insurance will kick in at your new job? Many places require you to wait until the 1st of a new month (so since you are starting after January 1, it would be February 1).

          Are you married and does your spouse have insurance? You leaving your job (and therefore losing your insurance) would count as a “qualifying event” so your spouse could add you and the kid to his insurance – but again, you’d have to see how long it would take to kick in (if it is the same kind of “wait until the first of the month to take effect” policy).

    4. As someone noted above, some employers continue coverage to the end of the month of termination – but some end coverage on the date of termination. Do you have access to an SPD or health plan document, or summary of coverage that would tell you when coverage ends, so that you don’t have to ask HR? On the other hand, I work in HR, and people ask all the time when coverage ends, and it doesn’t faze me in the least; people leave all the time, or think about leaving – I don’t run off to their manager and say “Jane just asked me when coverage ends – she must be thinking about quitting.” If there is someone reasonable in your HR department, it’s entirely possible that it’s safe to ask without outing yourself. This is a very “know your HR” issue, though.

      As for COBRA: once your employer/plan sponsor knows of the qualifying event (termination of employment), they have 14 days to send you the COBRA election materials. You have 60 days to elect COBRA, and then another 45 days to make your first payment (which would be retroactive back to the date “regular” coverage ended). So, as a poster observed, you could wait and see if you or your child needs to use the coverage before you elect it/pay for it. The downside to this is that if you need the coverage, but haven’t elected/paid for it, you may have to pay for services up front, or arrange payment – providers may not be willing to take it on faith that you are eligible for COBRA and will get COBRA but just haven’t applied/enrolled yet.

      Just be careful to follow the COBRA election/payment timeline in the info you receive from your (former or soon-to-be former) employer – employers have no incentive to be generous about allowing people to enroll in COBRA late, or to pay premiums late, so employers and their COBRA administrators typically adhere very tightly to the letter of the law, with no exceptions.

    5. Last time I changed employers, as long as I was employed on the first day of the month, my insurance continued through the end of the month. Same thing with the last time my parent changed employers.

  16. I feel so awkward when I have to make Serious Calls for personal business. I need to hire a real estate lawyer and got several referrals and need to call them this morning and I’m dreading it. I swear that I’m a competent adult but I feel like I don’t have any idea how to start these calls. Any tips?

    1. I always start these sorts of calls with, “Hi, my name is CountC, I am calling because [insert elevator speech about issue], can you help me with that/is there someone I can speak to about this?”

    2. I hear you – I feel like my voice goes up two octaves and my maturity goes down two decades when I have to make these types of calls!

      What helps me is putting myself in the other person’s shoes. These real estate lawyers want your business. They want to make a good impression on you about their own competence. The most helpful thing you can do is get right to the point: “I’m under contract to buy a house in [town], and [referral] recommended you. Do you have a few minutes to talk about the process?”

      If anyone makes you feel stupid, that’s not the right lawyer for you. Good luck!

    3. I sometimes write out what I am going to say–especially the first couple of lines when I am explaining why I am calling, etc. Then I try to talk slower than normal, because I have a tendency to try and just rush through it. I usually don’t end up needing to follow my “script” but it is reassuring to have it there.

      1. Yes, I usually try to at least make some bullet points first, if not write out everything I’m going to say, and make sure I’ve at least figured out my opening on the main point – for doctors or dentists “I need a checkup, are you taking new patients?” etc.

    4. Hi. I got your name from Susan. I need a real estate lawyer to do legal things for me.

      You. Are. Paying. Them. Get a grip. The Dowager Countess does not worry about how to speak to the help.

      1. “You. Are. Paying. Them. Get a grip. The Dowager Countess does not worry about how to speak to the help.”

        Well that’s not very nice. Let’s not think of the people we hire as “the help,” even if their services are helpful. They have skills we don’t have, which is why we hire them, so they deserve some respect.

    5. I feel you! I stink at making calls like that, even if they’re for doctors appointments or haircuts, I think I mostly worry the person on the phone will be irritated with me. But then I remember that they (probably) want my business, and thus will be happy to talk to me and even if I have a total brain fart or I’m a little cranky I’m probably not the worst person they’ve spoken to this week. And if they do get cranky with me over something random or they talk down to me, then I’ll end the call and move on to the next referral! It also helps to mentally rehearse what you’re gonna say, maybe even write it down before picking up the phone if you think that’ll help.

  17. I have a check-in meeting with my boss today and I plan on asking for a promotion. I’ve never done this before. Any last minute tips!?! I plan on saying that I’ve taken on a more significant role in the past year and I believe that I am already performing the role of the next level. I’m worried because there are a number of factors that play into this being a bad time to ask for more money (trying to hire new people, etc).

    1. Good luck! No real last minute tips – try to bring metrics from projects you’ve done, etc. that show you doing the next level work, but I probably don’t need to tell you that! At my old nonprofit job, when I asked for a raise after 2 years I was told, “you’re making more than a (local) schoolteacher” – uh, great. Can you ask to take a bigger role with the new people they are trying to bring in? Are those empty seats they are filling, or total new people? I think new people doesn’t make it a bad time – it means there is growth and there is money out there to be claimed!

      I am also thinking about asking for a raise – we will have our annual reviews next spring, but I came in in the fall which puts me more than a year off-cycle. My client has straight-up said she thinks I deserve a raise, but my manager is off-site so I never seen him (and only talk to him once a week) so it’s a little difficult to make the case when he only sees my work when I forward him the “kudos” emails I get from clients/leadership.

    2. Good luck! If you can itemize the things that you completed as a part of your job, and discuss the things that you took on successfully, that is always helpful. If there’s any way to get comparable equivalent salaries, now’s the time to do it. If you had objectives/goals during your performance review, and you completed them/expanded on them, talk about that, and how even with the added responsibility that you’ve grown into, that’s always helpful.

      Asking for more money when there are potential new hires is a double-edged sword. On one hand, there’s money on the table, since there is a position with salary & benefits that isn’t filled right now. They’re going to have to train whoever comes into that position, even if it is upper-level/highly technical–someone still has to train them about the nuances of your organization. They can pay you a smaller percentage, but still a raise to you, to keep a skilled & seasoned employee. Think of it this way: If you earn $60k, and they’re looking to hire someone for $60k to do something else, you could be in a position to take some of that salary, and they can hire a less-expensive recruit. They can pay you an extra $20k, and come out ahead instead of hiring a new someone for $80k.

  18. I’m 7 weeks pregnant, first baby, and I am DYING of nausea. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next few weeks of work before I get some time off between Christmas and New Year’s. I haven’t told anyone at the office yet (heck, we haven’t even told our parents), but I’m sure it’s weird that I am constantly working with the door closed and putting my head down every ten minutes. I am trying hard sour candies for nausea, I’m eating as often as I can, every moment I’m not at work I’m trying to nap or go to bed early…I didn’t think it would be this hard! Any help from those who have gone before? I need to stay productive at work somehow. Argh!

    1. Seriously. They are the ONLY thing that worked for me (those preggo pops significantly increased my nausea). I found they tasted pretty bad, but I would choke them down and they would give me instant relief.

    2. Go to a doctor and get a prescription for Zofran. Is is safe to use during pregnancy and works for many women.

      1. There are some new concerns about the risks associated with Zofran. My friends who were pregnant a year ago had no problem getting Zofran for even mild nausea but my doctor wouldn’t give it to me for moderate nausea 5 months ago (and she’s pretty liberal), and pushed me to try alternative methods to address it. When I asked around my nurse friends told me there are some very new (like within the last year) concerns about risks of birth defects so a lot of doctors are moving away prescribing it.

        1. Can I just complain for a minute about how overly risk averse doctors don’t care one bit about the pregnant woman’s health. They claim to care so much about the unborn fetus but I really think they just care about avoiding litigation. I really enjoyed how the book “Expecting Better” dealt with a lot of it. For example, I take a class B drug. Some doctors don’t like to allow it when you are pregnant because a few women on the drug had premature babies. The medical condition for which the drug is prescribed causes premature babies. That is not at all taken into consideration. The untreated medical condition is far more dangerous for the baby than the drug.

          I think doctors should be required to give us the info about the drugs, let us do our own research, hear their opinions on the research and then we should be able to decide whether to stay on our medications or not. They shouldn’t be allowed to withhold our prescriptions except in Class D and X drugs. This is especially true when there is no consensus in the medical community and I can just go to another doctor to get my medicine.

          Many people are going to a specialist for this condition in a different medical group from the ob/gyn. You only need to see the doc once/year for this condition and can get refills electronically. They are just not telling that specialist about their pregnancy. We shouldn’t have to do this to stay healthy and reproduce. The rule shouldn’t be if it isn’t proven safe you can’t have it since there is no ethical way to prove it safe. The rule is supposed to be to weigh the potential harm to the fetus against the potential harm to the mother but most doctors only consider harm to the mother if it is permanent. They don’t care if you are miserable for 9 months and have your previously in remission medical condition flare for two years after your pregnancy.

          Sorry, this is a huge pet peeve of mine that I am considering how to deal with in the near future.

          1. Yes, and it doesn’t get better once you are breastfeeding either. I had luck using the Infant Risk center – they acknowledge that some women are going to continue taking their meds during pregnancy or breastfeeding for certain conditions, and therefore recruit women to participate in research to determine how much of the drug reaches the infant, does the drug cross the placenta or does it enter breastmilk, and if so, at what level? I actually called their support line while in my doctors office and said “my doctor is recommending drugs 1, 2 and 3; which is considered safest for breastfeeding mothers” and they were able to provide evidence based research on which of the drugs had the least transfer to breast milk.

            I don’t konw what medication you are on, but they do trials fairly regularly. The main s!te is infantrisk dot com, which is aimed at doctors and scientists, and they also recently launched mommymeds dot com, which is supposed to be “more friendly to the everyday mom”.

            You might be able to peruse the forums and FAQ there and see if there is any ongoing research on your condition or your medication.

          2. Thanks, Meg Murray. I have checked that out. The breastfeeding thing is also another peeve of mine. The research seems to stop at it crosses through and how much. How about, to what effect? There are drugs that have very little side effects. If it crosses through at a non-toxic dose, does it really matter that the infant is getting the drug? Yeah, I get that we don’t want to take drugs we don’t need but if the drug she gets doesn’t hurt her (hypothetical no kids yet) does it really matter if she is getting it too? It’s like if you took tums but didn’t have heartburn, does it really matter?

            It’s like you lose all personhood. “But what about your baby???” Um, what about me? If there is a .00000001 chance of my baby having a negative reaction and a 100% chance I’m going to suffer without the med, I think we should care about me more in that situation. But apparently that makes me evil and someone who shouldn’t have kids because I don’t want to sacrifice my health when there is no evidence based reason I should have to aside from “oh, but what if???”

            I know of someone currently litigating a malpractice case because a doctor refused to prescribe her antibiotics when she was pregnant. (Which is so wrong because most doctors consider the infection more dangerous to the unborn.) By the time she got a second opinion and antibiotics she had suffered permanent damage (luckily the fetus did not). Fun fact: untreated infections can destroy bone.

          3. Well, there’s often no evidence based reason because there is no evidence, one way or another. Any clinical trial set up to test side effect and dosage of a drug is going to exclude pregnant women and children. It used to be that trial guidelines didn’t even allow for the inclusion of women of child-bearing age (regardless of the status of her uterus), which is part of the reason a lot of the drug data we have is skewed towards men.

            And that’s my understanding about why doctors are pretty conservative with their recommendations when it comes to drugs and pregnant/lactating women. You get this really conservative standard of care because you can’t figure out the “safe” limit since you can only define safe if you also know what is unsafe. And there have been some pretty severe missteps with drugs and pregnant women (read up on Thalidomide).

      2. Not having been preggo for a while, I can’t speak to any new discoveries about risks during pregnancy. However, zofran is typically a very safe and effective drug–it’s given to the some of the most vulnerable patients: elderly & pediatric cancer patients, with little to no negative effect.

        Nothing else worked for me, FWIW, with either of my pregnancies, and I was sick for more than half of both.

    4. Can your doctor get you a script for Zofran? I have never been pregnant, but have had severe nausea at different times in my life and this is the only thing that helps. The meltaway tabs are worth their weight in cold. I have had friends take this for pregnancy-related nausea as well, and believe it is safe (though YMMV, obviously your doctor will know!)

    5. Agree with the ginger – I used Gin-Gins pretty much constantly. Also I’m sure you’ve read all the lists about lots of water, saltines, etc. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but on the upshot it’s the time of year when it seems everyone is sick – can you pass it off as constantly feeling like you’re coming down with something? Nearly everyone in my office is a sniffly, wheezy, headachy mess right now, so someone flirting with a stomach bug would have a lot of company.

    6. I lived on cinnamon Altoids and oyster crackers. I don’t see cinnamon-flavored things mentioned very often, but they were the best thing for me. Hang in there!

    7. i’d talk to your doctor about diclegis. it saved my life and is very low risk…

    8. I’ve heard Unisom and B6 is great for helping with nausea. It’s basically diclegis without the cost. of course call your doc or nurse first. Unisom at night, B6 during the day.

      1. true in terms of ingredients (and diclegis cost me a lot!), but diclegis was muuuch better for me because it is slow release. just had to share because i was in such bad shape and i was so grateful to find something that really helped!

    9. I would call your doctor to see what he or she advises. Mine advised vitamin B6, which I did find a little bit helpful. More helpful was eating constantly (seriously, every 45 minutes for weeks) and staying away from anything with any kind of odor whatsoever. I found ginger totally gross while pregnant but lemonheads candy and altoids helped a bit. As did getting as much sleep as possible. Just know that it varies a lot from person to person and day to day, and that it’s a good sign of the pregnancy progressing well.

      1. But do your own research too. Many doctors disagree about this stuff and you shouldn’t have to suffer just because you have an overly cautious one. Also, at night, what about Dramamine?

    10. I had “all day” sickness for the entire nine months of my pregnancy, the first trimester being the worst. I’m talking down ten pounds at five months puking non stop sick. BUT – rest assured, I had a nine pound very healthy baby – the baby will get what s/he needs :)

      The things that helped:
      – My doctor told me to stop taking my vitamins. absolutely talk to your doctor, but my doctor reasoned that the vitamins were making me sicker, I was puking constantly so any vitamin I took just got thrown up along with any food I ate. Stopping the vitamin decreased the amount of time I spent vomiting.

      – Sea bands. I have no clue if they helped but I would use them again if I ever got pregnant again

      – fresh ginger.

      – always munching on saltines. I survived almost solely on saltines and pears for a good 8 weeks because it was all I could keep down.

      – sip on water or gingerale constantly.

      It was bad enough that I decided to tell my boss at 8 weeks. I didn’t want him to think I was going to quit because I kept disappearing to go home. I’m very glad I told him, even though this goes against conventional wisdom. I asked that he respect my confidentiality and wanted to get through the first trimester before notifying anyone, but that I was just so ill that I felt he should be aware of what was happening with me, as the illness was obvious. This is obviously a know your office/know your boss/what is best for you thing, but it is worth considering.

      to be clear, my doctor knew about all of this. I did get IVs occasionally and took anti-nausea medicine about five times just to make sure I didn’t get dehydrated. all of this was in consultation with my doctor about what was best for me/baby under my circumstances.

    11. I was very sick by the time I was seven weeks pregnant–so much so that I told my direct boss about the pregnancy after the first ultrasound because I was constantly throwing up. I wanted to punch well-meaning people who asked me things like, “Have you tried eating small amounts throughout the day?,” or “Have you tried ginger ale?” Obviously you should try those things (and the ginger chews and all the rest recommended above) because they do work for many people , but believe me, I tried everything and nothing worked for me for very long or very well. Unisom and B6 briefly helped, then was basically useless. I eventually was put on a combo of Zofran for daytime and Phenergan for nighttime, and even with that I was still deeply nauseous most of the day and got sick at least once a day.

      Just want you to know that you are not crazy if you have a similar experience–I was unprepared for being that sick for that long, but my doctor assured me it was not typical.

      1. My boss was the second person to know after my husband. I felt like I was being such a crummy employee and she was SO supportive.

    12. Thank you, everyone…just reading all your commiserations and suggestions made me a little weepy – but then again I cried at a candle commercial last night (the same one – TWICE!). Thanks, hive!

  19. So, I found out I’m pregnant. Super early – like a month – and it’s an “accident” that’s the result of me forgetting to refill my BC.

    I don’t know if I should tell DH. We’ve been married a year and are solid. I don’t normally keep anything from him.

    This is not the time for a baby. I’m new at my job, we have loans to pay, etc. I definitely want a baby, but really not right now.

    I just worry that if I tell DH, he may not agree about timing. And in that event, I’d feel like an a** and I predict that in the end, we’d have it.

    This is just really hard. I am not ready to talk to anyone IRL about it.

    advice?

    1. Can you make an appointment with a therapist? I feel like this is uncovering bigger issues about your relationship, and you might want to consider if you want to stay married to this guy if you don’t think you can count on him to be part of your team when making important decisions.

      3. +1 If you can’t tell your husband about this, you need to consider what that says about your marriage right now. Which may be fine! But may have some kinks that need to be worked out.

    2. Yes, you have to tell your husband. What are you going to do, just have an abortion and hope he never finds out? I’m very pro-choice but you can’t keep something like that from your life partner who is the father of the baby.

      2. Completely agree. You are married. You must tell him!

        And having unprotected sex when you know you haven’t refilled your BC and are not taking it isn’t “accidental.” That is how you get pregnant. I think you need to think about what’s really going on here. Because to move from being that level of blasé about getting pregnant to contemplating getting an abortion and not telling your husband is a huge about face. Your words aren’t matching your actions and it’s worth unpacking why.

        But you must tell him.

      3. Yes, so much this. I’m very pro-a woman’s right to choose, and having control over your own body, but the factors weighing against having the baby are things that can be addressed with your husband. If the roles were (able to be) reversed, I would consider it a deal-breaker if my husband kept a pregnancy from me, and chose to abort without my knowledge/consent. He is owed a voice in this decision.

        Also, maybe in the minority here, but there will always be reasons not to have a child. If you wanted children anyway, you might want to take a hard look at finances, and see whether you can make it work. People make having children work in all kinds of circumstances. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and honestly, it never will be perfect.

      4. That is what I’m leaning toward. Maybe that makes me sound psycho. It’s what I want. We haven’t been trying to conceive. It was my mistake that caused this. I do hear how callous that sounda, how unnatural. If there was a magic genie, my wish would be to undo this. I know that’s not possible. I’m just trying to keep my head straight.

        I knew people would bring up therapy. I understand why, given this situation. But I really don’t think we need therapy in general. This is just a hard time. It’s not going to end our marriage.

        1. Are you serious right now? Yeah. It might end your marriage if you get an abortion and lie to him about it. Obviously. It’s a massive breach of trust.

          I don’t know if that means you need therapy. You need to tell him. Absolute must. And then you figure it out, maybe with therapy.

          And you try and figure out what was so complicated about “not tonight, I forgot my birth control.” Having sex without BC is trying to conceive. That is how you try.

          1. Or:

            You knew you were trying ( = s*x without BC)

            He didn’t.

            You kept that from him.

            Knowing how BC works, you probably didn’t keep it from him for just a tiny window. *THAT* is proabbly a huge deal-breaker.

            And any subsequent pregnancy will require you do mention how many prior PGs you have and at some point you will have to come clean to everyone (like on a birth certificate: how many prior pregnancies, how many prior births, etc.).

          2. I agree with most of this, but you don’t list prior pregnancies on birth certificates.

          3. At some point, there is a record of birth that does take all of this down (at least in my state). It may be different than what is publicly filed that you later use to get a driver’s license. But I remember it very clearly b/c my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and when I went in the next time to give birth, they were very, very clear that I was gravida 2, para 0 going in (and gravida 2 para 1 leaving — yay). ALSO very, very important if you are RH negative.

          4. No you’re just wrong. The government does not mandate tracking of any pregnancy in the USA. Your own medical records might, your doctor may want to know, but this is not a government record thing. That would be a gross privacy violation.

          5. In hospitals, births > 20 weeks get a birth certificate (even if stillborn) and < 20 weeks don't. There is a lot of tracking invisible to us.

            Privacy is an illusion.

          6. This is how a friend of mine found out, at age 35, that his mom miscarried. Needed his birth certificate for a passport and her prior pregnancies equaled 1 more than the number of kids they had. So at least in some cases, the government does know and track the number of pregnancies a woman has.

        2. “This is just a hard time. It’s not going to end our marriage.” …. when you got married you agreed to work through hard times together, I presume. This is one of those – use him, talk to him, tell him.

        3. Why don’t you just tell him how you feel about it? He loves you, so I’m sure he’ll understand.

        4. If I were a man and my wife had an abortion without my knowledge and I subsequently found out, I would absolutely think seriously about ending the marriage. It is not the wrong decision at all to have an abortion. It is the wrong decision to have an abortion secretly (unless you are in abusive relationship, but nothing in your original post suggests that).

          1. While I agree with this, if a woman 100% knows she wants an abortion and that the man in her life 100% does not and she will be having one anyway, is it worse to tell him? Yes, marriage absolutely makes this a more difficult issue. But, you could be on the same page going into the marriage and realize when the time comes you have completely different positions. She shouldn’t be forced to have a child. He shouldn’t be forced to lose one. What gives? If her opinion trumps (her body and all that) then isn’t it a bit cruel to tel him?

          2. All of it is bad in your situation. Lying doesn’t make it better. He deserves to know who she is and what she does.

          3. I don’t think it does a marriage good if one person is essentially defrauding the other about things like this.

          4. If she feels like her best choice is to get an abortion without telling her husband that is fine with me but if she feels her best choice is to get an abortion without telling her husband she should seriously consider why she is married to this guy.

        5. You will have to disclose the fact of the abortion if you later have children, depending on how far along you are. Yes, you can ask your provider not to tell your husband, but there is no guarantee he won’t find out.

          And, based on the fact that you aren’t telling him, it’s likely that he’d come to a different decision about whether to keep the baby. True, the decision may not end your marriage now, but it might end your marriage when he finds out.

        6. When I was (badly) married, I was terrified of getting pregnant through some mishap (we traveled a lot, so forgetting a pill due to flights/time zone changes/exhaustion was a possibility) because I knew that my husband would react badly (even though we theoretically wanted kids). That was a bad sign that I should have listened to – if I couldn’t trust him to work through an unplanned pregnancy with me, why did I marry him?

          Is it that you know you don’t want the baby and you want to make the decision yourself? Or are you concerned about his reaction? I think the answer to that question is really important. They’re both rooted in a lack of trust and unwillingness to be full partners in your marriage, IMO, but the question is whether that is coming from you (you don’t want his thoughts/feelings to be part of the decision) or from him (you don’t trust him to respect your thoughts/feelings as you make the decision).

          1. I’m not worried about his reaction. I know that if I tell him, we’ll be able to have an open and honest dialogue. I just know that the odds are we would keep it. When I run through the scenarios in my head, that is how it ends. And so I suppose that I want to avoid that.

            I really never thought I’d be in this situation. For the comments that are taking me to task, I totally get it. I’m not proud of myself at this moment.

          2. But you ARE in the situation. And getting rid of the pregnancy doesn’t undo the fact that you are pregnant, and you are seriously contemplating taking away your partner’s right to even be part of the conversation. This would be a dealbreaker to me – especially if he wants a baby, and you know he likely would want to keep this baby. Also – “open and honest” means that you know he’ll at least consider your perspective.

            I’m so very sorry this is an unwanted pregnancy, but you have to realize that aborting isn’t just going to make this situation go away and have never happened. For all the other reasons posted here, it’s so much more complicated than that.

          3. If you do not want to have the baby, then why is it that you think that you’ll end up keeping it?

          4. I agree with PC – an “open and honest” conversation about your situation, meaning one where he’s not abusing you or coercing you to keep it, means that your desire to terminate should be considered and evaluated. And if you think the outcome of that conversation is definitely keeping if you have it, then I honestly think you may not be as firm in your decision to terminate as you think. And obviously you don’t have to be firm in it today, but you do within the next few weeks.

            And as for being taken to task, you totally have my sympathies on this. There but for the grace of g*d go I. And for what it’s worth I’ve had scares and have taken Plan B, etc. I can’t imagine the stress you must feel right now. Cut yourself a little slack and take care of yourself… this stuff happens. A huge percentage of pregnancies are unplanned. You’re not alone.

          5. +1 Maddie Ross. OP, it sounds like either you’re not sure you really want to terminate, or you feel like his desire for you not to terminate would, be default, win out.

            FWIW, in case you need the assurance: it is okay to tell him you don’t want to continue the pregnancy. And it is okay if that changes. If that does change, it doesn’t mean you love your future child any less. Doubts and fears and concerns are REALLY COMMON in this situation. I know two women who terminated pregnancies during their marriages (both later had kids). Both were comfortable with those decisions. I also know a woman who strongly considered it and ended up continuing the pregnancy, and she’s also happy with that choice. Complicated feelings are not at all unusual.

        7. He has a right to weigh in. I’m pro-choice, but you’re married and it should be a joint decision.

          Also, as a practical note, if you want kids in the future, this will be part of your medical history that comes up A LOT while pregnant. When you go to the first appointment to confirm your (future) pregnancy, they’ll ask if you’ve been pregnant before, any miscarriages, any terminations. At your first ultrasound, they’ll ask you same things. If you have to get checked out at the hospital at any point during your pregnancy, same thing. In an emergency, same thing. When you’re checking in to give birth, same thing. Are you going to lie to your medical providers indefinitely to keep your secret? Let it come out years later, at which point he’ll have good reason to divorce you for keeping such life changing information from him.

          Your decision to lie is fraught with emotional and ethical issues, but it’s also simply not practical.

          2. It only comes up if you reveal that you had an abortion, obviously. You could get it done at Planned Parenthood and no one is the wiser (mind you, I’m not advocating abortion in the OP’s situation). An early miscarriage has no bearing on your ability to have other children. I had an abortion and chose not to disclose this information to a medical provider who I knew was deeply conservative.

          3. Lying to a medical provider about your previous medical history is absolutely insane and puts your health, and maybe even your life, at risk. If your doctor is so opposed to abortion that you can’t tell him or her you have previously had one, then you need a new doctor.

          4. In my very conservative area all of the medical providers are strongly anti-abortion, so choosing a new provider is easier said than done. I don’t understand why not revealing an early, no complications abortion (or just saying that you had a miscarriage) puts your life at risk though.

        8. I’m sure it feels overwhelming right now, but it will get easier.

          Several years ago, I had the same thing happen. I needed to go to my gyn for a new bcp Rx, and I made the appointment, but had a month lapse. When I realized I was pregnant, I knew that we could have a baby and make it work, but I also knew that I really really didn’t want to become a mother. For me, that’s a permanent decision, but there are many people who have abortions and have children later. It’s your choice.

          Talk to your husband. I 100% believe that it is ultimately your decision, but I also believe that if you exclude him from the discussion, it’s going to be a problem. You love him and trust him enough to marry him, so try to trust him to love you through this.

      5. +1000. Also, this is one of these absolutely life changing, doubt inducing moments even when it is 100% planned. And hormones can make you feel everything so much more intensely. Talk to your husband and lay it all out there.

    3. I don’t think anyone can give you advice on this, because your situation is your situation and your factors are your factors, and no one else’s will be the same. If you are looking for other people’s experiences, I was (sort of) in your shoes long ago. I made a decision that the timing wasn’t right and I’m sorry now that I went that route, not related to personal or religious beliefs. I was in a situation where I could have dealt with it, although it would have been slightly difficult and uncomfortable, and now I really wish I had kept the pregnancy. I’m not overly religious, but I think sometimes things happen for a reason and you just have to roll with it. That assumes, of course, that you can put a roof over baby’s head, feed baby and pay for daycare. Just one internet stranger’s thoughts.

      1. I’m sorry you went through that, and hope you find peace. For whatever it’s worth, I could have easily have been in your shoes, but for the fact that I did not get pregnant unexpectedly. I had very specific ideas of when, where and how many when I was younger, and would have probably terminated if an unplanned pregnancy had happened – even though I was married and stable. I had very rational reasons – wanted to make sure we had enough money in the bank, I had put some years into being a lawyer, etc.

        I have two kids now, and realize that being so measured and logical doesn’t necessarily matter. Parenting is totally unpredictable – no matter when or how you do it (short, of course, of really awful circumstances – basic needs unmet, etc.). It would have been hard to realize that all the right circumstances doesn’t make parenting a perfect experience, and I think I would have felt an incredible loss for terminating b/c things weren’t precisely as I had planned.

        I hope this doesn’t come across as insenstive, Anon – it’s something I’ve actually given a lot of thought to, and hope that the OP makes the best decision.

    4. I am sorry that you’re dealing with this. It’s not easy.

      I just wanted to add, I think that even if you’re sure about what you want to do. If he’s not going to be supportive or you are worried that he’ll make you change your mind (or not be okay with your decision) or there is more going on there (you guys aren’t happy or you are not sure it’s going to last or you are not sure that you want to parent with him), then maybe it’s better not to tell him. If you want the relationship to work out, and you want to have future kids with him, you should tell him– because this type of breach of trust could be irreparable.

    5. Keeping this from him won’t make anything better. I mean, the best case scenario is you get it “taken care of” without him knowing but you’ll always have that nagging feeling that keeping it from him was the wrong thing to do. But realistically, he will eventually find out and he will be upset and hurt that you didn’t tell him.

      You’re married. Yes, this is your body and he can’t tell you what to do with it, but when it comes to reproduction within a marriage the husband does need to know what’s going on. Tell him, talk it out with him, tell him your thoughts and hear his. He doesn’t necessarily have the final word on the matter but he does need to be part of the conversation, that’s part of being married.

    6. Once this is resolved, you should talk to your doctor about switching to something like an IUD or the patch/shot, if forgetting to take the pill is a regular problem.

    7. I think people need to lay off a bit. OP is in shock from a major piece of news that could change her life forever. I’m also a little exasperated by the calls for therapy, which I feel is the recurring piece of advice on this site. Yes, therapy can help (I’ve had it myself) but not everything requires therapy. Sometimes people just need to air out their feelings on an anonymous forum like this.

      To the OP — I’m sorry that you had an unplanned pregnancy. But I don’t like your statement that this was somehow all your fault. You and DH had consensual s*x. Even WITH birth control, there is no guarantee that would not get pregnant. It takes two to tango. The only foolproof way to avoid pregnancy is to be abstinent.

      I had an abortion, but under very different circumstances (very young, unmarried, abusive relationship). I realize that this pregnancy was not what you wanted, but I hope you can take a step back, have an open discussion with your husband, and keep the baby. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be impossible? No. And are the kids awesome and amazing? Yes yes yes. People have children in all sorts of circumstances, much worse off than yours, and it all turns out fine. In any event, I will echo the hive in emphasizing that transparency with your husband is crucial. I wish you the best of luck.

    8. Oof. If I’m being honest, I had a pregnancy scare recently and seriously considered not telling my live-in SO of 2+ years. Turned out I wasn’t pregnant, and the world wouldn’t have come falling down if I had been. (I’m certainly able to support a baby, though it would be my strong preference not to right now.) Ultimately, I’m not sure what I would have done, but I think I would have needed my SO to lean on emotionally, no matter the outcome. I’m confident he’d have respected what I wanted in that situation, even if it would have been a terrible conversation I never wanted to have.

    9. I have to say that I am surprised by a lot of the advice you have received here. Especially the idea put forward by a number of posters that it’s not just your choice anymore because you are married. I strongly disagree with that. It is your body and your choice and only your choice.

      If you feel that your husband will pressure you to keep the pregnancy, and that’s not what you want, then don’t tell him. It’s your body and your life.

      My husband is very catholic and I am very pro-choice. I am exceedingly careful about my birth control because I know that if I were to have an accidential pregnancy, he would not support termination in anyway, unless my life was at risk. Because of that, if I were to have an accidential pregnancy (despite multiple BC methods), I would likely not tell him if I decided to terminate.

      On the off chance it comes up somehow during a future pregnancy, it is not clear to me that you would have to disclose that you had a prior pregnancy if you chose not to, or that you would have to disclose when it occurred. Depending on how early and if you used a medication based termination method, you could chose to tell him you had a miscarriage while remaining silent as to the source of the miscarriage.

      2. Nobody is saying it’s not her choice. Ultimately of course it is. People are saying she has to tell her husband because keeping a secret like this is no way to go through a marriage. Personally, I believe that the woman always has a moral (although not a legal) obligation to let the father know about the existence of the baby and what her (yes, her) decision is, but that obligation is even stronger when the father is someone you have committed to spending your life with. I believe morally it is far more defensible for her to tell the husband point blank that she’s having an abortion and it is not up for discussion, even if that leads to their divorce, then for her to hide it from him.

    10. But, I mean, you could do it and not tell him. Or you could do it and then tell him right after. If you think your relationship is fine, but you worry that you would make the wrong logical decision based on emotions (which totally happens! You could very easily talk yourself into having the baby, even though you logically know it’s not the right time at all), then maybe just get the abortion and then tell him after, knowing that it could cause a big fight?

      I don’t know if the father always has a right to know. There aren’t hard and fast rules for this stuff. A father of your unborn child doesn’t all of a sudden get a ton of extra “rights” just because you get married. You have to figure out what is best for you and weigh all the risks.

      1. Uhhh yeah? When you marry someone you do get to know when they are thinking about very important actions.

        1. Um no?

          Is it *fair* to tell him? probably. Would it make for a healthier marriage? Yeah, probably. Would lying likely come back to bite her? Yeah probably. Should she tell him? Yeah, probably.

          But these things don’t convey *rights.* Marriage doesn’t give you a “right” to know about or approve people’s medical decisions. You are talking about having a right to someone’s medical information. That right is not given to a spouse at marriage.

          1. Oh my god. Get a grip. Is he legally entitled to the information? Obviously not. Does he have a normal moral right to expect that his wife will be honest with him? Absolutely.

            Aborting a baby conceived in a loving marriage in secret is much more than medical information. And I think your spouse has a right to know if you’re getting a tumor removed too!

          2. You’re telling ME to get a grip? Calm down lady, what the heck did I ever do to you? You’re the one (or, the other anonymous) who started off with the same bratty tone you appear to be lambasting me for. I was supporting the poster above me’s point that being married doesn’t entitle you to additional rights in this regard.

            Oh, ok, “aborting a baby.”

          3. Abortion and the morality surrounding it are so complicated and the answers are never black and white. Ditto with marriage. People have vastly different relationships with different trigger points, and different levels of honesty. People throw around what is “moral” on this thread as if there is a one-size-fits-all concept of morality. There isn’t. There isn’t a “right” answer. Ultimately, the poster has to acknowledge the risk to her relationship if she decides to get an abortion without telling her husband, and he then later finds out.

            In my opinion, my husband does not have a right to know anything specific about me. I CHOOSE to be honest with him because our relationship is built on a certain level of honesty and trust.

    11. I agree you absolutely have to tell him (morally speaking). But I think you can take a week to get your head around it first. You have time before any decisions need to be made.

  20. Can anyone comment on the quality/style of lululemon men’s sweatpants? Unfortunately I can’t remember who, but one of my bf’s friends was raving to me about these sweatpants… I can’t figure out which ones he meant, but from looking at the website I think the ones my bf would like are the “discipline pant.” But they’re $108… a lot of money for sweatpants. Worth it? I think my bf really wants them but if I can get him something better from another brand, and less $, I would consider it. Thanks!

    1. I think it depends on your husband’s style. My husband has a pair, but they’re not really as thick and comfy as he’d like for hang out around the house when its cold clothes, and he’s not a go out and run errands in sweatpants kind of guy. They’re basically really nice, perfectly presentable (for sweats) sweatpants, but if you’re just looking for thick comfy sit around lounge pants, I would go with polo, or athleta over those.

      1. My husband got a pair last year and they’re awesome! I try to steal them when possible and am planning to pick up a pair on my next Costco run.

    3. What can I help with? :-) lulu pro here… several good friends who did and do work there. I have a ton of their stuff and have given it for gifts several times, organized a team buy for a competition group I was in, etc.

      Generally, for men:
      -the ABC pant may pass as a work chino depending on your environment. Definitely very structured.
      -The Kung Fu pant is their classic sweat pant – mid-weight, drawstring at waist I believe
      -The Hustle Pant is their very thick sweatpant – had a friend wear these when we were in Iceland and he commented that at times he was too warm, and he really only wears them when it’s well below freezing.
      -The Seawall Track Pant is more of an athletic material type, super popular for guys at the gym and for wearing out around town, moreso than the other two. Another friend wore these to death on same Iceland trip and loved them. I wore my dance studio pants – the women’s version – on that trip and also loved them. check out lined vs unlined.
      -City Jogger pant – very tapered/fitted. Guys who wear these are usually going for a specific style. In my life, they are the guys are pretty vain, but YMMV depending on your city and style.

      None of the guys I know work out in sweats – they will wear these over shorts, then take off the sweats as they warm up. The most common ones worn out are the seawall. I gave the kung fu and the hustle to the same friend last year as gifts, and he wears them, but never for more than “sick and running to CVS” or “won’t leave my house today watching TV”.

      I love lulu’s quality and think it’s worth it. They’ll last forever. But, that’s a personal decision!

      1. Oh, also – they run long. 5’10” guys have had them hemmed (free in store, but can be a hassle)

      3. Just to add to the above – my husband has two pairs, the kung fu and the city jogger. I would definitely say that both are thick sweatpants (much thicker than any of my female sweatpants from say jCrew or somewhere) and they both have a drawstring. He is 5’11 and he did have the kung fu hemmed but not the city jogger (tapered bottom). I know Anon above thinks that my husband must be pretty vain to have the city jogger ;) but he isn’t. He is however very thin and the tapered slim leg works for him better than the wider leg of the kung fu. The quality is excellent, my husband loves them, and he hasn’t worn another pair of sweatpants since getting on the lulu train. Enjoy!

        1. Yeah, that probably came off wrong… I am sure not all guys who wear those pants are vain. I only know a couple who do, though, and they definitely are, so that is what I associate with them!

    4. Can’t comment on men’s, but I have a pair of women’s sweatpants from Lulu made out of the same material as the Scuba hoodies and they are amaaaaaaazing. So warm and comfy, and while they’re obviously still sweatpants, they’re actually cute as far as sweatpants go. I wouldn’t go to the grocery store in them, but I’m not as embarrassed if I wear them to take my dog out on a cold morning and see my cute neighbor vs. if I were wearing the saggy-bu++ ones with elastic waist and ankles.

      They’re pretty warm so I just wear them for lounging. They’d feel a little gross to wear out and about or for any sort of activity. YMMV, but for me the price tag was worth the savings on my electric bill.

  21. I just accepted an offer for my dream graduate job! Thanks for all your help and support during my internship (I was posting as Lily student)!

      1. Thanks!

        I’d realised that the name was a bit identifying and would soon be out of date

  22. DH wants to become a snazzy dresser and doesn’t know where to start. And I’m no help. He’s just about the least stylish person I’ve ever met and doesn’t really have a “baseline” idea of how to dress well. Any recommendations for how he should go about doing this, or books that may be helpful?

    2. I think you also have to take into account where you live and how he spends his days and tailor the look to his circumstances. Have him identify what is “snazzy” (fashion mags/blogs, probably even pinterest) and what appeals to him. Then he starts shopping.

    3. Check out reddit’s male fashion advice or something like that? My bf uses their tips, and he’s pretty well dressed.

    5. I’d say ask him to show you some examples of what he considers to be snazzy dressing – from there you can identify common trends in his vision – ie, lots of v-neck sweaters, gravitates towards brown or gray colors, boots make a frequent appearance in his examples. This should help narrow down some of the basics.

      1. He likes all solids and neutrals and ultra-functional stuff for himself. He’s willing to branch out, but I’m not sure he knows what he thinks is snazzy in general. I got him a couple of patterned button-downs for christmas that are pretty tame. And if he still doesn’t like them, he can wear them under a sweater so less of the pattern is showing. I think he can recognize when he thinks a man looks good in a suit or some other kind of formal attire, but not in normal clothes.

    8. My brother reads the art of manliness blog. Or is it art of manhood? Something like that. Also, an awesome haircut makes any outfit look snazzy.

      1. Art of Manliness.

        I like Banana Republic for menswear but be sure to wait for a sale.

  23. One of my coworkers just sent around an e-mail trying to collect money for a Christmas gift for our manager. I’ve always been under the impression that gifts in the workplace should only flow downward, and giving to your boss isn’t really necessary, or appropriate. So as much as I like my boss I’d rather not do this, but so far everyone else is “in” and I worry they’ll think I’m a jerk and “not a team player” for not contributing. Should I suck it up and fork over the cash this one time?

    1. Have they done this in previous years? Is there a way for you to politely point out that gifting up is not customary – perhaps with a link to Ask A Manager?

      1. I don’t know, none of them (not even the manager) were here last year. But the person organizing it is older than me so I get the sense she’s done this before, sees nothing weird about it, and if challenged she’ll dismiss me as being too young to understand the working world. Unless another older colleague says something, which hasn’t happened yet.

    2. It is done in some workplaces. I know my mom’s office always chips in for a gift for their boss (I think they all contribute $15 or $20). I commented to her last year that you weren’t supposed to “gift up,” and she sort of shrugged it off and said she had seen if before in other offices and it was just what they did in their office. FWIW, I’m in law and usually give my immediate supervisor a token food item and a card (which I give everyone in the office), but would never get her (or my head boss) an actual gift. If I was in your situation, though, and everyone else was chipping in, I would probably just chip in too to keep the peace.

      1. Large financial institution and I have always gifted up, sometimes group gift, sometimes a singular gift. I am below executive level. My husband, same company reports to executive, they never gift up….every company has its own ‘rules’.

  24. Hive perspective needed: How would you feel about a job change that on the outside will look like a demotion? The job itself is super-interesting, will start a gradual career change, will pay more, is with a more prestigious organization, but you will appear to be “pushed down” the reporting food chain from your current job. Would you find it difficult? How would you message that to family and friends and peer networks?

    1. I probably would have a moment’s hesitation like you, but the job opportunity sounds fantastic …. especially if you were hoping for that career change.

      When messaging to family/friends (and I HOPE you do not means sending out a Facebook etc.. blast… I hope you mean in person), then you simply express your excitement about your intended career change and the organization…. the GREAT opportunity… and how lucky you feel.

      It’s all in how you present it.

      Congrats! What a great new year for you.

    2. I’d do it and own it. Don’t worry about messaging unless you are looking at the next job after this. Otherwise, it’s just a matter of pride and you can be proud of yourself!

    3. If it is best for you long term with no drastic changes, I would go for it! If anyone asks just read exactly what you wrote here.

    4. Wasn’t it in Lean In where SS talked about not seeing careers as ladders but rather as jungle gyms? Sometimes you have to move laterally/backwards in order to get to the path to move upwards.

    5. Focus on the career path change and the awesome experience you’ll get.
      You: “I’m super excited about this new opportunity where I get to focus on counting whizbangers and strategizing with BigWigSuperAwesomePeople!”
      Friends and family: “But weren’t you a Big Important Boring Manager at Big Important Company? Is that a good idea?”
      You: “Yes, actually, it’s the perfect step for me to become CEO of Wizbangers Inc, which is what I’m really passionate about! Let’s go celebrate!”

    6. It might not even be an issue. I don’t even know what half of my friends’ jobs really are beyond something general like “Nicole works at xyz bank”. If Nicole went and changed jobs and did something different at a different bank I would have no clue if it was a demotion or not. I think we get so wrapped up in our jobs and in our industries we think they matter as much to other people as they do to us.

      So just be positive and excited when you tell people about the change, and I bet the vast majority of people will be happy for you and not give anything about the perceived “status” of the job a second thought.

  25. Has anyone ever dealt with a situation where your SO is invited to do a bunch of work-related social activities fairly frequently, including some out of town, but you are not (or very rarely) invited? I know I should feel happy for him, but it’s hard when I’m really sensitive to these things and end up feeling left out and insecure. I know these are my issues to deal with but I’m struggling.

    1. What sort of activities?

      Are other SO invited?

      What does your SO feel about it?

      My gut feeling is that you should should try to build up your own friend/work/hobby network so that these (likely not that frequent…) activities are not so upsetting for you if you aren’t included. I worry you are too dependent upon your SO. Am I wrong?

      1. Dinners mostly… There was one night where something big happened at his company and they rented out a club. I felt really upset about it. No, other SOs are not invited.

        I think you’re right, but I’m also really busy and don’t exactly have time for more social activities “just because.” I do depend too much on him probably but it’s hard not knowing if I’m overreacting or if it’s actually inappropriate. It’s a new job so my friend doesn’t want to say no to things.

        2. In this situation, it actually surprises me that you are really upset about being excluded from what is essentially a “work event” for your SO. If no SOs are invited, then in a sense you aren’t being excluded. It sounds like this is part of his workplace culture. If he feels like he needs to be present (and he really does, as a new employee), and he enjoys it, I think you need to let it go.

          So I would say you are overreacting and inappropriate. But it is how you feel. You can’t help how you feel…. you are upset. But I don’t like to hear how upsetting this is for you, and worry that if you can get upset so much about something so small, what will happen when a real wrench gets thrown into the relationship? This is not a wrench. It is not even a nail.

          Are there other things going on that need to be addressed? Either with you, or with your relationship?

          And you do have time for more social activities, as you imply you would go with your SO if you are invited, right? So sounds like you need a few more things in your back pocket to use to fill in the gaps when he is away.

        3. You are overreacting. So much so that I think you should get help. He has work commitments. Do you feel left out when he has a conference call?

          2. +1,000,000

            There is nothing that will kill a relationship faster than this kind of insecurity. Plus it’s just a horrible, horrible way to live. Do yourself a favor and get some help.

        4. Sounds like it’s making you anxious because the situation feels so foreign. Wait out the storm, so to speak, and eventually it’ll get easier to deal with, hopefully to the point where you don’t even bat an eye! For now, when he goes to a work event, make a point to arrange an outing with your friends, to take your mind off him and strengthen your social independence from him.

          You may be anxious because, due to personal experience, or the experiences of those around you, you worry he’ll buddy up with another woman at the event and get a little too close with her, if you know what I mean. This has often been an insecurity with me and the guys I’ve dated, especially the snuggly types who totally would find another woman to curl up with at a house party. But even if my guy goes to a party and puts his arm around someone, what happens after the party. He goes home, she goes home, and we go to brunch the next day like it’s any ol’ weekend, because it is!

          But think of it this way, the situation is out of your hands – he needs to go, you can’t go, and worrying about what might happen will only make you feel worse. So find ways to ease the worry!

    2. I think you need to address the reason. Some people believe (for religious reasons or otherwise) that people in relationships shouldn’t socialize with members of the other sex without their significant other. Do you live in an area where this is the norm or believe it yourself?

      Do you live in a place with conventional social norms (so not believing the above) but you don’t trust your SO for your own reasons?

      Are you just jealous that he gets to do all of these cool things that you don’t get to do?

      Do you hate the time that it takes him away from you?

      Dealing with it really depends on why you are feeling it.

    3. I agree that you should consider therapy and/or a low dose anti-anxiety drug. Talk to you doc! This could be very easy to fix.

    4. My SO has lots of work events, conferences, and industry happy hour-type things, that I’m not invited to. I understand how you feel– I was jealous/felt like he didn’t want me around. In my mind, it was just another happy hour at a regular bar, where we could talk about other things besides work and just hang out. So (with his approval), I went to one. And it was so boring and they all really just talked about industry topics. I haven’t asked to go with him since. I also realized that I was jealous because my job doesn’t really offer opportunities to meet and get to know others in similar positions (SO is in a niche industry that is fairly close-knit), and that’s just something I have to accept about my job.

      1. Yes, I dread having to go to my husband’s work happy hours/schmoozing events… Everyone is perfectly pleasant, but they are Really boring, and he has to spend the whole time schmoozing it up so it is really not at all quality relationship time. If anything they make me feel more on my own because aint nothing like being in a roomful of strangers while SO is doing necessary work stuff to feel totally irrelevant (in the moment).

        1. +100

          I work in same company as my spouse and I hate his social events. Everyone watching what they say, bragging about their latest trip/project/ role…I count the minutes to leave. I’m glad he goes on his own

    5. You should make friends with the person whose SO works in ibanking. Seriously. Do you WANT to go to boring industry social events? Meg March hits it on the nail. They’re boring to outsiders, and not like going to a party. It’s about putting in your face, getting to know your coworkers in a “social” setting to team-build, build relationships, etc, not show off your sig other.

  26. Advice needed! A co-worker of mine got a new job in another company, a big promotion, and the office is giving a farewell party. There will be speeches and I am one of those people who always give a speech. The problem is I do not like this person. We have worked side by side and it has been okay, because it had to be. I do not trust him and now when I know he is leaving I have a hard time with all the fawning over him by other coworkers. I want to appear friendly because I am afraid I will appear petty and jealous. On the other hand, I do not want people to think I am terrible sad and would like him to return.
    Ideas how to manage this?
    TIA

    1. Keep it short and sweet. We will miss you, great opportunity, keep in touch! Upbeat and positive. He’s leaving and you didn’t get along anyway. Rejoice for a better working environment in 2016. Anything negative will only look badly on you.

  27. Thoughts on wearing earbuds at work during business hours? Am I just old fashioned in thinking maybe we don’t need to listen to our tunes/podcasts etc during the day at work?

    1. Depends on the work.
      Do you need to block out other noise in order to focus on the writing/work you are doing? Earbuds are great!
      Have a mind-numbing amount of data-entry to do? Podcasts are great!
      Have an office/cubicle-mate that eats at their desk really loudly? Music is great! (a walk while they are eating is even better, but not always conducive to doing work)
      Need to be answering the phone constantly or expecting people come to stop by the desk? Earbuds are probably not a good idea.

    2. I wear noise-cancelling earbuds with no music (they’re not plugged into anything) just to cancel out the youtube videos and loud personal calls outside my office. As noted in Mpls’s examples, not everyone is doing it because they just can’t make it through the day without some 1D jams.

    3. More busybodying and judgmental than old fashioned, I’d say. Likely they’re wearing them to enable focus on their work. Which I assume, as a side note, doesn’t include surveying co-workers to see if they’re adhering to arbitrary unwritten rules- is that part of your job?

  28. Does anyone have a recommendation for a fitted button-up shirt, preferably with French cuffs? I’m a fairly “athletic” build and I find most button-up shirts are really boxy and unflattering. I also have short hair and they edge into butch-y very quickly. I once found one at Banana Republic, but have never seen its like again. Alternatively, could I buy one from Brooks Brothers / Thomas Pink and get it taken in a bit? Could I get some made custom?

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