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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 194 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Three-Button Wool Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Brooks Brothers Three Button Teal Wool BlazerOk. First: Gorgeous, classy, on-trend wool blazer from Brooks Brothers. Love. Second: let's all take notes on the mixed patterns as styled here, shall we? Gingham shirt plaid sweater, the texture of the wool… layers on top, on the bottom, at the sleeves… what fun. I could do without the pants, but that's me. The blazer is $248 at Brooks Brothers. Three-Button Wool Blazer Psst: here's a $29 version, and here's a plus-size blazer in slate blue. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

      • Anon

        Also agree, but am I the only one who can’t see three buttons (or a place for a third)?

        • Amy H.

          Good grief — I am so hugely disappointed! I love (TRUE) three-button blazers and would actually have dropped $250 on this jacket, as I love the teal. BUT IT’S NOT A THREE-BUTTON BLAZER. Grrr.

          Waiting not-so-patiently for the return of something other than one- and two-button suit jackets . . . .

  2. Navy Shoes

    This might be a silly question, but when do you wear navy shoes? I have fallen in love with a pair of Brooks Brothers kitten heels (link to follow), but I don’t know when to wear them. With a navy suit or dress, they’d look too matchy matchy, no?

      • Orangerie

        For what it’s worth, I think these are really cute but would have limited wear vs. a more classic style. The wood-toned heel and d’orsay style makes them more spring/summer than year-round appropriate… for ex they might look a bit weird in the winter and/or with tights. Where you are geographically might make that a non-issue, though..

        • Erisa

          I’m having a hard time imagining d’orsay’s with tights, no matter what the color.

          • Orangerie

            That’s what I meant: d’orsay’s don’t look good with tights. That plus the wood heel makes these firmly summer shoes for me.

          • hoola hoopa

            Oh, cute shoe!

            While I agree they’d look a bit odd with tights, I think they could work with nude hose for a smidge of warmth. And I usually commute in fleece tights and weather-appropriate shoes, then strip off the tights and change shoes at the office, so I could easily wear these in the winter.

            In addition to the great suggestions you already have, I like navy with coral, rust, and deep purple. I feel like it’s a very versatile ‘neutral’. If you want to wear them on the weekends, I like navy shoes with dark denim and I can picture these working with skinny jeans for a night out.

      • Bonnie

        Love these. I wear navy really with all colors except black. I think these would be ok with navy as well since they’re not going to be immediately next to the fabric.

    • HSAL

      I tend to wear navy shoes with grey pants, but I’m interested to hear how others style it.

        • Medic Maggie

          I’d do yellow. Yellow top, navy cardi or blazer, gray pants & navy shoes. Or a gray/navy pattern of some sort. Or navy top, navy shoes, gray pants, yellow cardi.

        • HSAL

          Mainly yellow, and a variety of pink/purple/plums. I also occasionally do my navy shoes with these plum/maroon pants I got years and years ago, but I prefer the grey.

    • Orangerie

      I think you can wear navy shoes with a predominantly navy outfit. For example, if I were wearing a navy dress with a tweed jacket, I’d wear the navy shoes so they wouldn’t compete with the pattern of the jacket. Same concept with a suit.. if I were wearing a patterned/colorful blouse I’d go with the navy shoes. But if I were doing navy suit + white shell, I’d do gray or taupe shoes for a little more contrast.

      • tesyaa

        I agree. Different shades of navy blue often clash, so keeping the navy in the clothing to a pattern will make any clashing less noticeable.

    • Anon

      I wear navy and all kinds of shoes you wouldn’t classically pair with all kinds of things. The key is just trying it on and seeing what the combo looks like. It has more to do with the shades, tones and textures than the actual color in something neutral. I’ve worn lighter navy suede shoes with black pants and a slate blue top, plus funky jewelry and a leopard scarf. Just play around. This would be my answer to every single “what can I wear this with” question.

        • ExecAssist

          I have a pair of navy flats that I wear with EVERYTHING. I’m not even kidding. So I say everything! Kat considers it a neutral…

    • rachelellen

      I am ALL ABOUT a pair of navy blue peep toes I inherited. LOVE. I wear them with print dresses and sometimes with a solid navy dress if I have other colors going on (say a white cardigan and brown belt.) Also with a gray skirt. And taupey-brownish colored skirts.

    • Anon

      I wear them with my navy dresses. I rarely wear pants, but I would also wear them with grey and brown pants. Navy and brown is classic.

  3. Medic Maggie

    LOVE this blazer. I love saturated colors like this, though. So, rounding up the blog ideas, the two that remain available and that are speaking to me are: WearAgain and OnceThriftedTwiceLoved. Ready, set, GO!

    I would love to have a pair of navy suede wedges. Or flats. I think they’d be a great neutral for brown, when you don’t want to wear brown, or black (like with camel–it can be so hard to match camel colors, that if you try, it looks like you’re trying too hard if you don’t match exactly). I can see them bridging the gap when you don’t want a contrast as stark as with black. I think they’d be great with navy provided you have some pop of color, like a scarf or a necklace.

  4. mascot

    TJ: Credit card question. We have a cash rewards card with Amex that we have had for 5+ years and with a decently high credit line. Based on casual research, it looks like a different Amex rewards card would meet our needs better. Is it possible to just switch from card to another, keeping the same credit line and history? We don’t really need another card/line of credit so just opening the second card doesn’t seem to make much sense and we don’t want to pay the annual fee for both cards.. Also, I don’t know the credit score ramifications, but want to maximize the impact of our good credit history with this card. Thoughts?

    • (former) preg 3L

      Call Amex and ask. I was able to change from Amex Blue to Amex Blue Cash without changing my credit card number, but both of those cards are no-fee.

    • Anon

      Yes. It’s the same account different rewards program, same credit history. I change Amex rewards regularly (like every couple of years), you keep your points too.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I agree to call and ask. I was easily able to do it with a Chase card and assume Anex would be similar.

    • MJ

      Note that you cannot change from a charge card (where you are required to pay the balance off in full each month) to a credit card without affected your credit history. Amex does offer a lot of charge cards which have much better rewards than credit cards. Just throwing that in.

  6. LE psa

    Lands End has a lot of dresses starting at $20 today (and skirts, including plaid-pleated numbers like kilts!) including the 3/4 sleeve ponte wrap for $25

  7. Dentist recommendation?

    Hi there — Does anyone have a dentist they’d recommend in Manhattan? (Ideally, lower Manhattan?)

    I am sort of daunted by the process of going to any dentist that isn’t the kindly family dentist I’ve been seeing since early childhood, but it’s time to face facts that I live in NYC and need a NYC dentist.

    Thanks!

    • Kathryn

      She is not in lower Manhattan, but Dr. Amanda Amed on 57th street. She’s awesome and really easy to talk to. I consider her a friend.

      Personality is what I go on for dentists because I feel like the technical aspect is pretty much the same no matter where you go.

      • tesyaa

        This may be true if you have healthy gums and don’t get many cavities, but I’m willing to bet that dentists vary greatly in technical skills and a skilled dentist is better than a mediocre dentist.

        • CKB

          This times 100. I had my first experience with a bad dentist in the last few years. I’ve had several cavities, no issues. Then I went to this dentist (unfortunately, he’s a family friend) and he gave me a filling that was sore for seriously 3 weeks after. And then, less than a year after the filling chipped. So he redid the filling. Sore for 3 weeks again, and then chipped again. Granted, these aren’t major issues, but I was not impressed at all. I had never, ever been that sore for that long following a filling before. I got a new dentist to fix it, and my new dentist is WAY better, technically. I like the personality of the friend better, but I realized it wasn’t worth it if I was going to continually need fillings redone.

          If you expect to have any work done beyond the regular cleaning and check up, you want someone with decent technical skills. I also used to think it didn’t really matter. Sad thing is, it does.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I really like Dr Robert Danti, but he is in midtown. I think he teaches at NYU so he might also take appointments in that area. Both he and his hygienist are extremely nice. It’s also been really easy for me to get appointments.

    • rosie

      I don’t have a NYC recommendation, but I had similar feelings to you re: seeing a new dentist. I was worried that my childhood dentist had missed tons of cavities, and I would go to someone new and have all these issues (plus I’m generally squeamish about the dentist). All the dentists I’ve seen (I’ve moved around a bit, had to switch because of insurance issues) have been wonderful, though. I found my latest one on ZocDoc.

    • Nancy P

      I go to Premier Dental Associates and I really like them. They’re very efficient and friendly.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I second Premier Dental Associates. I went to Dr. Caroline Quiong (past tense because I moved to a new city, and am now daunted with the prospect of finding a new dentist again). That was based on a friend’s recommendation after another NYC dentist tried to tell me I had multiple cavities and I needed a second opinion (I did not). They’re great. Also, they’re in the financial district right by the 4/5, so easy to get to if you’re looking for lower manhattan.

        • ResortParalegal

          Hopefully not too stalkerish that I remember you’re in Raleigh, but I just moved from there and loved Rob Allen as my dentist. Lots of tech, no long waits and a watch-and-see attitude so i never felt bamboozled.

    • Anon in NYC

      George Reskakis of Madison Dental Group. He’s in midtown (53rd & Madison). I love him and I love the dental hygienists. I have never liked going to the dentist because the hygienists would always rip up my gums – that never happens with this group.

    • 2 Cents

      I’ve been seeing Dr. Marin-Rojas on West 12th (at University, near Union Sq.) for years. She’s got a great “chairside” manner, and she’s really gentle. I have really sensitive teeth and gums and she’s the first dentist I don’t dread seeing, despite my frequent cavities (thanks, crooked teeth!). My parents, brother and husband also see her.

      Dr. Nancy Marin-Rojas
      212-255-6633
      24 E 12th St # 301, New York, NY 10003

      She has late Thursday hours and I’ve gotten in really early for an emergency once. I think she’s closed on Fridays, though.

    • MissK

      Meridian Dental – 46th/Madison. Dr. Cho and his team is great! He shares the practice with his wife, but for scheduling reasons I ended up with him. They both get rave reviews and I’ve been pretty pleased with his care (and apparently everybody else too as they’ve just expanded their office in the last year).

      This is after a random NYC dentist under the teacher dental plan screwed up a filling thus requiring a root canal later. I am much pickier now.

    • momentarily anonymous

      Dr. Alina Huang, 40th & Park. Super efficient, fast follow up, flexible hours.

  8. Baconpancakes

    Date clothing help! Looking through my closet, I realized that between buying mostly only clothes for work, being in a long-term relationship that started casually, and getting too old to wear the s3xy clothes I wore in college, I don’t have any date clothes! My wardrobe consists mostly of weekend casual, professional, and c@cktail/wedding formal. My best @ssets are my bosom and small waist to hip ratio, and most of the going-out clothes I’m seeing seems to have full, flowy coverage on top and is short on bottom – not a good look for me.

    What would you ladies recommend for dates? What are your go-to date night outfits?

    • Kathryn

      I love wrap dresses for dates and it sounds like they would be really flattering on you. They’re comfy but can be s*xy.

    • Anon

      I wear a lot of more body-conscious jersey dresses and motorcycle boots, or skinny or ankle pants with heels and a silk top. In the summery I’ll wear the dresses by themselves, in the winter I’ll add tights and maybe a sweater or another top over it.

    • Anonymous

      I have 2 date wardrobes: weekend, and right after work.

      For weekend, I do a jersey dress that’s low cut, clingy at the waist, and has some drape below, with cute sandals or tights and boots; skinny black jeans, lace cami, and a sheer blouse unbuttoned enough to show cleavage; or for day time my current fave tight sweater.

      For weeknight, whatever work dress feels a scootch too short/tight/boobtastic for work, with a scarf for actual work and a push up bra for evening.

      • Baconpancakes

        Ah! I think the push up bra will be key here. When I started investing in my work wardrobe, I realized I was wearing the wrong size by at least two letters, and replaced my underpinnings wardrobe with well-fitting, full-coverage, excellent support things. They’re great for work clothes, but show under anything low cut.

        • Anonymous

          Oh yeah, you need an evening lingerie option. I love Freya’s bras, and even Wacoal usually has a pretty lace option. I basically use my cleavage as an accessory when dating.

  9. Busybee

    Does anyone have any advice for losing weight when you’re extremely (read:16-20 hour days & weekends) busy? I’ve gained about 15 pounds over the course of the last few months, and work is crazy. My clothes are getting to the point where they just don’t fit. I’ll be less busy after thanksgiving, but in the meantime, does anyone have any tips to make this work?

    TIA

    • roses

      There was a long and controversial post about this last week….but basically, lack of sleep has been shown to cause weight gain. You can try to make healthier choices, but you are going to be hungrier because you need more energy to stay awake that long. For now, try your best to get healthier take-out and maybe to try to do some of your work while standing. But give yourself a break if you don’t see results.

      (also, perhaps try to negotiate more help for you/fewer hours? because I don’t see how 20 hour days are remotely sustainable for a month…)

    • TXLawyer

      The good news is that fat loss is mostly about diet. This doesn’t mean you have to spend hours prepping meals necessarily. To get you through till Thanksgiving (when you’ll have more time to prep food and exercise), I’d suggest trying to be as carb-conscious as possible and try to make eating choices which reduce your carb intake. That should give you results within a month of consistent cutting back.

      • Anononon

        I disagree. Diet is one part of fat loss, burning calories (daily burn, plus exercise) is the other. It’s not mostly diet, nor is it mostly exercise – it’s the symbiotic relationship between the two. Fat loss (as a concept) is simple: consume less calories than you burn. The Weight Loss Industry (yes, capital letters) has won at over complicating the matter.. promising short cuts, silver bullets, etc. But, the science of it is extremely basic – burn more than you consume.

        Given busy schedule, focusing on consuming fewer calories is probably the best course of action if you’re unable to fit workouts into your schedule. I am a huge advocate for WW – their points system is just a method of making you feel like you’re not calorie counting, when it’s masking calories as “points” – it’s easy to follow and might be a good fix if you’re committed now through Thanksgiving. You’d most definitely see results if you followed it closely.

        • AnonZee

          This is a fraught topic but from personal experience and what I have read (Gary Taub, this weekends NYTimes) reducing carbs and sugar does work. Working out on top of this is helpful for other health and psychological reasons but the diet change was enough to quickly drop ten pounds, which was a lot for me. Dropping the sugar wasn’t fun, but I found the whole thing sustainable because it didn’t restrict calories and I could otherwise eat as much real food as I’d like. I kept it up for a year until I got pregnant (at which point simple carbs were the only thing to stave off nausea). I plan to go back to these eating habits once I am done nursing (now I just need as many calories as I can get).
          Just be sure not to eliminate carbs completely as that can mess with your period. I usually had a sweet potato every day to make sure I got enough

          • Unicorn

            Would you care to share more specifically what else was on your regular menu? Sounds simple and effective but I have trouble imagining how these ideas play out in practice.

          • housecounsel

            I read the book “Salt, Sugar, Fat” by Michael Moss. It’s not a diet book, but a well-reported book about processed food and how it is making us fat. After decades of disordered eating and weight fluctuations, I feel like I have found peace, and a healthy, sustainable weight, by giving up everything that has added sugar and, as a result, cutting way down on processed foods. I do not restrict calories at all, so I don’t feel deprived for the first time in my weight-obsessed life.

    • TO Lawyer

      Can you make healthier choices during the day? i.e. stairs instead of the elevator, huge salad for lunches/dinners, less snacking or at least healthier snacking? I know when I’m working crazy hours, I generally subsist on lattes and chocolate.

      Also – be kind to yourself. It sounds like you’re going through a rough patch and if you can’t do everything at once, it’s understandable. You can get back on track once things slow down.

    • Anon

      If you’re super busy at work and are in a situation where you’re traveling/working some thing where you’re getting meals ordered in to conference rooms, it’s hard to not gain weight. You’re not eating normal food and you’re probably stuck being sedentary. All you can really do is eat as healthily as you can and find time to exercise, though that sounds impossible. If you can, take a 20 minute break when you can during the days and go for a walk. Or, walk/exercise during lunch and then eat later while you’re reviewing documents or something. In the meantime, buy yourself some wrap dresses or something and accept that maybe it’s something you can’t change right now.

      Also, don’t be afraid to say no. If you don’t truly need to be at work, say you need to leave an hour early or come in an hour late, or don’t be afraid to skip out on all the work dinners/drinks sometimes.

      • Anon

        I will also close my door and review documents while holding plank (forearms) in 2 minute rounds. It is better than nothing.

      • Ellen

        Not to worry. The answer is simple. FITBIT! It worked for me (and I still must use it dailey). Walkeing is the easiest (tho you must NOT wear pump’s). You have to walk anyway, so just do it instead of takeing cab’s or the subway.

        My dad monitor’s my fitbit step’s from his own computer and then has weigh-in’s each time I come home to make sure my tuchus is not getting bigger. I know he is doeing this for me b/c he wants for me to find a guy to MARRY me, so it is all good, b/c I need a guy to MARRY me. YAY!!

    • Anon for this

      Losing weight is more about food than excercise (although exercise can make you feel like making healthy food choices).
      But my number one recommendation for busy people looking to lose fat is Intermittent Fasting.
      Sounds crazy but I did a lot of reading on it before I started it and it works for me.

      Be aware it can cause issues with people who are hypo thyroid (although I am, and it did not cause issues for me).

      Basically I fast from 3 pm Monday until 3 pm Tuesday, and then from 3 pm Thursday to 3 pm Friday.

      Best part, it costs nothing and actually saves you time.

      And no, it won’t “shut down your metabolism”!

      • Anon for this

        If you have any interest, have a quick look at Brad Pilon’s blog Eat Stop Eat. You don’t need to buy the book unless you want to look at the studies he cites etc.

        There are other, non-weight loss, benefits to fasting as well.

        • anon

          Logistically, how do you do this? Do you eat a huge meal right before 3? I would not be able to eat my normal noon-time lunch and then fast until 3pm the next day.

          • Anon for this

            Nope. You adapt surprisingly quickly. I just eat regular sized meals. The very first day I did it, I felt a tiny bit lightheaded, never since.

            Amazingly, I actually really look forward to my fast days now.

            And it means on the days I am not fasting I can eat “normally” (i.e. not constantly counting calories or worrying about it too much – caveat is that I eat pretty healthy to begin with).

            One thing I have found is that it means I can skip the unhealthy office lunches. I just tailor my fasting schedule that week if I know, for example, that the office is doing a lunch meeting where they order in.

            It’s pretty liberating because you realize that you don’t HAVE to eat the junk, even if it is the only thing available. You will not starve, or hurt your metabolism, by skipping a couple of meals on a bi-weekly basis (our ancestors sure did not get 3 meals and a couple of snacks everyday).

            If you really feel you can’t do 24 hours, try 20. Have a snack at 3 pm on Monday and then lunch on Tuesday.

      • anonsg

        Glad it works for you!

        Wish this would work for me… I get pretty dizzy at 6pm if I had lunch at 12, and then a headache comes on. I don’t snack throughout the day, pretty much ever. On occasion if it’s comes to about 4 or 5pm and I am so dizzy I can’t work, I’ll eat a small snack. I don’t think I’d be able to last 24 hours!

    • Erisa

      I recently started an organic meal delivery service and I’ve dropped weight because I’m not eating restaurant food. Love that I don’t have to cook, I’m bad at it. Healthy eating is too complicated to manage by yourself.

    • KittyKat

      Bring in boxes of healthy granola bars, lots of fruit that takes no prep (think apples, oranges and bananas), unsweetened apple sauce, fruit leather when you *need* candy, yogurt, hummus and carrot sticks. If you are allowed bring in a stability ball instead of your normal chair.

    • Anon

      Calorie counting and strict adherence to a low calorie diet. Switch from a latte to black coffee or tea. Eat protein for breakfast. Almonds for a snack. Bring your own food even if this feels impossible. Good luck, I’ve been there and wish I had paid attention at the 15 pound mark. It’s a pain to count calories (whether points or otherwise). I also like my fitness pal for tracking.

      • Anon

        This. Calorie counting is the only thing that has ever worked for me in the long term.

        Bringing in my own food (or very occasionally when you are in a pinch, eating from larger chains with nutrition info and consistency in preparation and portions) has been key to knowing exactly how much I’m eating and accurately tracking my intake.

    • Spirograph

      I kind of hate when people respond like this, but I think the thread last week (?) about how to fit in exercise when you have young children might be helpful for you. Long days are long days whether you’re pulling them because of work or family obligations (or a combination of both). Some people had really good suggestions about sneaking exercise into the “nooks and crannies” of your life –I don’t remember whose wording that was, but I loved it.

    • L

      Just throwing this out there; if you’re already making healthy food choices when you can and its just the lack exercise that’s catching up to you, why not order a few suits in a bigger size? Sometimes you can’t control everything and just need bigger pants. Not the greatest, not the end of the world.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Or do the elastic over the button and through the loop trick if your waist band is always covered.

    • Anon

      Bring in a bowl to put fresh fruit in it every Monday. Then you’ll have healthy snacks at hand all week long. The only fruit I would suggest you not keep in it are bananas since they tend to attract fruit flies. I still don’t know how fruit flies get into my building, but they manage to find a way.

    • Adderall

      That’s what worked for me — focus for work and significant weight loss while working 18 hour days.

  10. Bewitched

    FYI, Tom’s are on sale at Zulily today. For those who love them, do you have the classic or another style? I like the look of the ballet flat but don’t have any idea how comfortable they are. Thoughts?

    • cavity maker

      I liked a couple of the styles including the wedges for more casual wear. I’d love to hear from folks who wear them how they fit and hold up.

      • Anon

        I want to like the wedges so much I’ve bought them twice in different sizes and both times they tore up my heels. I often have this issue with shoes so if this isn’t a problem point for you,they are super comfortable and hit that casual spot well.

      • housecounsel

        I love the wedges and have had several pairs with no issues. Now that I think of it, though, I buy them a half-size up.

    • Becky

      I have the classics and love them! There’s a little arch support, they hug my foot and are super comfortable. They do leave pressure marks on the top of my foot, and the ones with the leather insole sometimes end up stinky if I wear them too many days in a row, but those are minor annoyances to me. I’d say they’re TTS, although you can order a half size down and they will stretch to your foot, but they’ll wear out more quickly. I’ve never had the ballet flats, but they look like they’re constructed pretty similarly, so I’d expect them to hold up pretty well. I wish I needed another pair of casual shoes to justify another pair!

      • Becky

        Will add that I have had one of the pairs for 4 years now, one of those in college when I wore them nearly every day while walking 2 or more miles. The sole is worn, but not anywhere close to having holes.

    • Denveranon

      I have the classic style. I’m on my third pair in 4 or 5 years. I wear them a lot in the summer. I have high arches and only buy shoes with arch support to avoid achy feet, and these are very comfortable for running around all day. For me, they are TTS. The first pair was a gift, and the gifter ordered a half size down for me, expecting them to stretch. They did a bit, but I prefer the TTS pairs I’ve purchased.

    • Maddie Ross

      Love them and have multiple pairs, but I would counsel against the ballet flats. I’ve had two pairs and the back has broken down on both super fast. Because they are just canvas/twill, they do not stand up well to lots of walking. I have regular Toms though too and they seem to stand up better. Also have the wedges and LOVE them for summer. They are super comfy but still stylish.

      • CountC

        +1 Once I broke the ballet flats in, they were super duper comfortable, but they very quickly wore down and became a hot mess.

    • Em

      Do people wear Toms with socks or not? I would assume that with is better from a hygiene standpoint but it seems like they’d look better without.

        • Em

          Thanks! Also, do they need to be broken in or are they generally comfortable from the start? I’m going to Europe next week and wouldn’t mind adding another pair of (somewhat) stylish walking shoes, but don’t really have time to break them in.

          • Anon

            The original oragami style (can’t think if a way to describe them) are pretty comfy out of the box, but the other more structured styles need a little time.

          • Nonny

            I took my originals to Asia back in May and they were pretty new – I’d just worn them once or twice. I loved them so much I ended up wearing them almost every day. They were perfect travel shoes.

      • Becky

        I go without, but sometimes I’ll wear foot liners (basically extremely short socks).

  11. AMB

    With Young House Love announcing they’re taking a hiatus today I need a new work appropriate blog to read (for when I need a 5 minute brain break). No swearing/anything that will set off IT alarm bells – any recommendations? This site and CapHillStyle are my other go-tos.

  12. Bathroom Poll

    I was recently chatting with my SIL and she casually mentioned that she and her husband (my brother) mill about the bathroom while the other is using the toilet (bowel movement). I was shocked and expressed my surprise that this activity is common in their relationship. She laughed and told me that it is very common in marriages, especially when people have been married as long as she has (5 years). My SIL has 3 bathrooms in her home. I asked another friend of mine if she did this as well and my friend laughed and said that it is ok once you are “comfortable” with your SO.

    I am curious—is this a common thing? Everyone I asked said they use the toilet in front of their SO. I… just… I just can’t….

    • Anonymous

      No. Some things are meant to be private- especially if you have enough bathrooms to accomodate that privacy. If you have only one bathroom and getting ready in the morning means being all over each other, I can maybe understand it, but even then, you can’t find 5 minutes alone in the bathroom while the other gets dressed?

    • AnonForBowelTalk

      We don’t. Partly because we don’t need to. More than one bathroom. My getting-ready time is not the same as his bowel movement time. Also, all of our WCs have doors? So maybe that’s part of the difference too?

      • Baconpancakes

        I like the more European style of WC separate from bathrooms. Which makes sense. Water closet = closet for “making water.” Bathroom = room to take a bath in.

        • Anastasia

          Yes! I lived in England for a time, and we only had one bathroom, but the toilet was in a separate WC next to the room with the bath and sink. It was glorious. When we bought our house in the States, 2 bathrooms was an absolute must because, as my husband put it, “what if someone has food poisoning and the other needs to get ready for work?” but if the U.S. would just adopt WCs, problem solved.

          • Orangerie

            My childhood home had WCs in both the master bath and the additional full bathroom. They weren’t fully separate rooms like is common elsewhere, but the toilet and shower had a door that closed off from the sink area. Especially helpful since my brother and I shared the bathroom.

    • Married for 10 years

      I firmly believe that part of a successful marriage is keeping some of the “mystery” in it. We’re by no means prudes, but it’s closed bathroom doors for us, 100% of the time.

      • Anon

        +1. I made this a hard-and-fast rule when my husband and I moved in together. I am completely comfortable with him but neither of us need to see the other in this light.

        • chilledcoyote

          My first marriage was a “use the bathroom in front of each other” relationship. Now I’m not blaming that for the demise of the marriage, but I have decided not to cross that line with my fiance in order to maintain at least the tiniest modicum of mystery.

          Plus we only have one bathroom, and if you’re on the toilet, your legs are totally blocking the door. This helps a lot!

      • Anonymous

        +1. Also, some things are just meant to be private not just for mystery’s sake, but for my own.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with you! I’ve been with my SO for almost 5 years, have lived together for over 3, and no…. we do not use the bathroom in front of each other. But to each their own.

    • Anon

      We don’t. Together 7.5 years. We share most things, but we don’t need to share that, too :)

    • something

      GROSS. Married for nine years. I would be so mad if husband did this in front of me. Seriously, JUST GROSS. You’ve got to keep a bit of romance alive.

    • CKB

      DH & I have been married 20 years and we try not to use the toilet in front of the other. If it’s an emergency, we will, but it’s not a common occurrence in our house.

    • NYNY

      One bathroom, so sometimes – very rarely, and only if it can’t be helped – one will be in the shower while the other drops the kids off at the pool. The shower curtain gives a slight feeling of privacy, but we mostly just pretend it isn’t happening.

    • Orangerie

      Barf. I could see maayyyybee #1 if it were really an emergency and that was the only bathroom.

      The “especially when people have been married for as long as us” comment reeks of smugmarried.

      • JJ

        So agreed. As if 5 years was some gold standard for giving up privacy. We have multiple bathrooms with doors in our home, so it’s not an issue for us. But we try to keep the more embarrassing “personal grooming” private, as well. It’s worked for us, so far.

      • long time lurker

        We have one bathroom and my H will do #1 while I am in the shower with the opaque curtain closed, because he like a five year old and can’t wait, but I can’t bring myself to do this, and can’t imagine #2. No No No.

    • mascot

      Nope for #2. I suppose if there was some sort of emergency we would be okay with it. Not as a matter of preference, however. Now if only we could get our young child to the point of respecting some private time. Is 60 seconds that hard, kiddo?

    • Becky

      We’ve been together for 5.5, living together for 2. #1 yes, because neither of us care. #2 never ever ever. Yuck.

    • KittyKat

      Ew, nope. Together 5 years and we would never do that. We are pretty open but that is gross

      • Red Beagle

        No way. One bathroom but we don’t use the toilet in front of each other. 10 years going strong. Some things are just not s3xy.

    • anonforthisIguessI'mgross

      Hmmm. I don’t give this a second thought in our master bath, which is pretty roomy and has our closets in it. If one of us is in there using the facilities, it’s no big deal if the other comes in (there’s a little half wall obscuring the view to the toilet – that helps). In the powder room (really close quarters), not so much, but we’ve lived in houses with smaller bathrooms before and if we both need something in the bathroom at the same time, no big deal. Same when traveling/staying in hotel rooms. Wiping is done in privacy, however (at the least the other person is directed to look away or turn around). I can’t believe I just wrote that on the internet for other people to read.

      • I'm gross too

        I guess I’m gross too but we’ve been married 20 years and we pretty much have the same rules as you do. I can’t believe I’m posting this either but I wanted you to know you are not alone. :)

    • Spirograph

      I had a boyfriend once who thought this was totally normal, and I hated it! My husband and I have been together for 9 years… #1 while the other is in the shower if we’re in a hotel room with only one bathroom and it’s an emergency, maybe. #2 ever, no. No, no, no. This has never even been a topic of discussion, we just (luckily!) have the same ideas of boundaries. We used to live in an apt with the master closet through the master bath… even then, if someone was using the toilet for anything, we just waited to go get our clothes.

      • Shaman

        I feel so validated reading this (just kidding–sort of!) My SO comes from an “open-door policy” type family and I don’t; we actually discussed this last weekend. For me it does seem to diminish the romance (or mystique?) and he thinks it’s silly that I go to the other bathroom and want privacy (I nipped that in the bud right away–hey, different strokes for different folks!) I don’t judge other people for having an open door policy–part of me somewhat envies that comfort level.

        • Meg Murry

          My family was more “open-door” and my husbands is 100% closed. In fact, my parent’s master bathroom door currently doesn’t shut without moving the hamper – but its around 2 corners from the bedroom. H and I are 99% closed – there were 1 or 2 times in pregnancy when we only had one bathroom and I could not wait until he was done in the shower, or postpartum where he had to help me into the bathroom but otherwise we try to give each other privacy at all costs.
          Our kids, on the other hand, will wander in and out if we don’t lock the door. Which is helpful for potty training, I guess, but once they get the hang of the toilet we start with “giving them privacy” – setting them on the toilet, then stepping out behind the half-closed door until they call us again.

    • Erin @ Her Heartland Soul

      I do not do this and neither does my husband. I love him but I don’t think we need to be together in those moments. TMI possibly but I always leave the door open a crack because our cat likes to come and sit by me when I’m in the bathroom. If I fully close the door he keeps shoving his paws under the door.

    • Em

      This reminds me of this apartment therapy post http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/are-you-from-a-naked-family-198739 I’m definitely from a naked family, as I’ve seen almost every other woman in my immediate family naked and vice versa and my brother regular walks from the bathroom to his bedroom in just boxers or a towel, but we draw the line at the bathroom. I don’t mind having open door conversations when one person is #1, but doors need to be closed for #2! This also applies to SO’s.

    • PinkKeyboard

      I’m pretty horrified. My husband will pee in front of me (in fact he never closes the door) but I don’t pee in front of him (nervous bladder- logically I don’t care) BUT we never never never ever poop in the same bathroom. Even when we had only 1. Never never never.

    • SuperAnonForThis

      My husband and I will do either #1 or #2 in front of each other, while carrying on a conversation, without a second thought. We just don’t think it’s a big deal, and it doesn’t diminish the sexy/romance dynamic for us. To each his own.

  13. Puppy

    Curious what you guys think: my husband is dying to get a puppy but I would like to go on a mini-vacation that’s semi-planned for a special occasion in October. We’d be away for roughly 5 days. I am not opposed to the puppy in general as I like animals and we’ve been talking about it for a while, but I would not get one on my own; this is definitely a HIM idea. So here’s the problem: he found a puppy that’s about 8-9 weeks old now that he really wants. Puppy is ready to go. But I don’t think it’s right to get a baby dog and then abandon him when he’s basically 12-14 weeks. Obviously we wouldn’t be abandoning him, he’d stay with family, but it still strikes me as wrong. Am I off-base about this? Is it not a big deal for the dog? Is it not a huge burden for whoever is taking care of him? I don’t have a lot of puppy experience here so would love to hear from experienced dog owners.
    FWIW: I don’t think I want to wait until the dog is 14 weeks to get him. If we get him, I want to get him sooner than later.

    • cavity maker

      pretty big burden. I’d suggest to see if the breeder can hold on to the puppy until you get back.
      also, the puppy will be adjusting so likely to be fussy and hard to deal with.

    • LF

      We have a 12-13 week old puppy. This week, husband has work travel Wednesday-Sunday and I have to travel Thursday-Friday. My SIL is checking in on the puppy Wednesday for about 5 hours, staying overnight on Thursday and hanging out on Friday. 12 weeks old is much easier than 8 weeks old. It may depend on the individual dog, but since ours is very sociable and already loves my SIL, we think he’ll be OK. Of course, my trip is a lot shorter than yours will be.

      Edited to add: My SIL has the flexibility to watch the dog because she’s currently unemployed. We are paying her but I’m not totally sure that we’re paying the same as it would cost to board the puppy (who is too young for boarding anyway).

    • Anon

      I’d say it’s ok to get him now if someone can stay with him at your place while you’re gone, and wait if he’d have to stay somewhere else.

    • s

      This is a tough one. Puppies are a ton of work, and a huge lifestyle adjustment. Part of bringing a new puppy into a home involves setting up schedules, routines, puppy obedience classes, and, of course, potty training (and consistency here is important). I don’t think it would really be a big deal for the puppy in terms of bonding or feeling abandoned, but it would set you back in terms of consistency/training. Plus, I would never give a puppy to a family member to dog-sit, unless they were really prepared to get up a lot during the night, have accidents in the house, and have all their belongings chewed to pieces. They’d definitely have to puppy-proof their house — puppies are so adorable and fun, but SO MUCH WORK. (It also depends on the puppy — by 12-14 weeks, some of the puppy behaviors could be improving? My puppies were still struggling with potty training and were destructive chewers at that age.)

    • Wildkitten

      I don’t think leaving the adorable puppy with enthusiastic family would make the puppy feel abandoned.

      I didn’t even adopt my dog until she was 16 weeks and she’s perfectly well adjusted. Next time I’ll get a dog that’s even older to avoid the puppy work.

        • mascot

          I think family will be fine. If they aren’t keeping the puppy at your house, they need to be careful to puppy proof and have very low expectations that puppy understands housebreaking and house rules. Otherwise, lots of love, playtime and socialization will be good for the dog.

    • Unicorn

      I just can’t help circling back to yesterday’s discussion of mini-moons: if 5 days is a mini vacation, I have never been on a “real” one.

      • Puppy

        It’s a glorified weekend trip. Taking Friday and Monday off. Factoring the 5th day for puppy transport as we’d need to bring him the night before we leave.

      • Anonymous

        In this context, its fair to describe it as that since it makes a difference if she’s talking about a two week trip overseas or a long weekend.

      • Alanna of Trebond

        This is correct, if you have never taken off more than 5 days you’ve never been on a real vacation.

        • Unicorn

          Correct? Who decides what a “real” vacation is? I think it’s a “real” vacation if it feels like vacation to me. Not everyone has the means to traipse off to St. Croix for three weeks.

          • Alanna of Trebond

            I know that many jobs don’t have a lot of vacation time available, but I have personally found a difference just taking two weeks off rather than one week. One doesn’t need to go to St. Croix (or really, go anywhere). I was mostly joking though.

    • AnonForThis

      We got a 12 week old puppy of a breed that’s prone to anxiety issues and we left her with my SIL for a 3 day weekend only 5 days after we first got her. SIL loved it, and puppy was happy. If you want to go on the vacation, I think it’s fine to leave the puppy with someone you trust (even a good doggy day care).

  14. Weekend Winter Shoes

    Random shopping help – I’m looking for a pair of warm, preferably slip-on, flat shoes that would work with a pair of yoga pants or jeans. Does something like this exist? I’m thinking about for chilly weekends where I’m wearing something casual, but would prefer not to wear sneakers or boots. And, yes, I’m totally ashamed to admit that I run errands in yoga pants and warm sweaters, so compatibility with comfy pants would be fantastic. Not looking to spend a huge amount of money (weekend wear, etc.), but would spend a little more as I imagine they would get a lot of wear.

  15. Solo question

    Question for any solo lawyers out there. How did you go about building your business, and what made you feel confident you’d be able to make it work (if you did feel confident — or did you just jump and hope it worked out)? My husband is thinking of going solo. It would be in a newish city. We’re most likely moving back to the place he lived in briefly just after law school (~5 years ago) so he doesn’t have a wide network but he does know some people. He would be focusing on small businesses in one heavily-regulated sector. He has a good friend in this industry who has told him that there’s a real need for lawyers and who could give him referrals. His practice would include general corporate work, regulatory advice, some lobbying (there are some arcane regs that are very harmful to small players and there’s considerable interest in getting these updated), and providing guidance on capital raising. He has experience in all of these areas although he’s been working much more on the business side lately. He also has connections in Congress and could easily get meetings for the lobbying piece (and knows staff and at least one Senator on the Hill who have great respect for him). So the pros are: inside track on the industry plus referrals, word from industry insider that there’s a need for legal counsel, connections in the lobbying space, experience with small businesses and start-ups, experience in capital raising for small businesses, and experience working in a heavily-regulated industry. Cons are: limited network in the city generally, little legal experience in this particular industry, no existing clients he’d be bringing over (as there would be if he had been in a firm and was then going out on his own). I think if he cleared $50,000/yr for the first few years we’d feel he was successful. We’d hope for more in the long run, but $50k would be okay. Anyone have any thoughts? TIA!

    • Anon

      Hmm – solo acts can take a while to turn a profit so 50k may be a lot to expect right away. What about starting a partnership instead? I’ve seen a lot of successful legal partnerships, it seems like a good way to mitigate weak areas if you find someone with a complimentary style.

    • Anonymous

      What’s the downside to joining a firm for a few years, developing his skills, and building a network? Maybe even a 4 or 5 lawyer shop where he could essentially function as a solo but with more support?

      • Op

        Um no downside. Do you know of smaller firms just snapping up lawyers left and right? No. Me neither. Hence the idea to go solo.

    • Beth

      My H did this recently.

      He has a specialty also. The way we planned it was this – took about $30K in savings and set aside for the first year for start up costs and also as a sort of default salary for him if nothing came in from the business, drew up a budget, talked to as many people doing this as possible. One thing in his area that was important was having a professional webs*te so the biggest part of the budget went to that ($5-7K); there’s a company (Justia?) that focuses on this and they were great. It can be done for less but they have a lot of special algorithms that are apparently key in making your s*te pop up at the top of the page. But keep in mind it takes about 3-6 mos. before the webs*te will be fruitful because of google and their formulas, so that’s time to factor in. He also had to spend a bit on incorporating/getting business accountant. Altogether, I think start up costs – including business cards, business phone, etc. – were around $8-10K.

      As far as everything else, he has made it a point to have the lowest overhead possible. Virtual office space (so he can use conference rooms and has an address for cards/mail, but its cheap and he works from home), no staff, etc.

      So far, it has been surprisingly good going. BUT – most of his clients have come from referrals from lawyers he has worked with and that he’s been networking with. If not for that, he’d have exactly 1 case. We also got really lucky and he picked up a great case early on that had a rather substantial retainer. But there are definitely slow periods, too. The summer has been quiet as church mice. Though it’s starting to pick up now.

      I think for your H, the biggest issue would be that he’s new to the community. He hasn’t practiced in their courts/doesn’t know the legal community that well. It’s great that he has that friend but I would try to build a bigger base before jumping on this. Have him meet for coffee with as many lawyers as possible and really think about where he will be getting clients.

      I agree that $50K first year may be ambitious. But I will say that my H is really happy with his decision.

      • Solo question

        I guess what I meant was that we’d feel successful if he got to $50,000 in the first few years, not in the first year itself (so by year three or so).

        • MJ

          You say “clear” 50K. Do you mean 50K topline (revenue) or $50K after expenses (profit). I have a few friends who are solos, but making 50K profit in just a year is really aggressive. They had to take _whatever_ walked in the door, often billed far less than they worked in order to keep billables reasonable when working on areas that they weren’t very expert….it was a slog.

    • Meg Murry

      Does H have any business experience? Is he comfortable with sending out bills himself, keeping track of who has paid him and who hasn’t, tracking his business expenses etc? Not a lawyer but my husband runs his own business and this takes up far, far more time than he thought it would, and the number of people who don’t pay up until multiple notices have been sent or who bounce checks to him is really high. And businesses are actually often even worse than individuals at actually getting a check in his hands.

      • ELS

        This. I was a solo for about a year and a half before accepting my current position. I made plans, and shared office space (with separate entrances, etc) with a much more experienced attorney who acted as my mentor for both business and practice purposes.

        I. Hated. Running. A. Business. It was full of tedium. Sending bills, finding work, filing, scheduling, working out technology issues. It was a slog. I loved practicing, but I worked so much more than I do now, or than I did in the job that made me leap into solo practice.

        Being a solo can be super freeing for some people, and I definitely learned a lot in that year and a half that makes me much more effective in my current position. But ultimately, being a solo is about wearing a lot of hats all at once.

        If this is a choice he decides to make, make sure he’s got a good mentor to help him with the law, someone to ask business questions, a good accountant/bookkeeper (if, like me, this is not his strongest suit), and a plan for how to maintain files/answer phones/do business administration stuff. Also make sure (if he hasn’t already) what kind of referrals he could expect and from whom, as well as figuring out a good billing rate for that kind of work given his experience.

        • Celia

          I am a legal accountant, and I would say that most of my lawyers should never touch the financials. We’re usually well worth the money.

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