Coffee Break: Triangle Opal Earrings
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I love my statement jewelry, but sometimes a delicate, understated piece like these teensy opal earrings is just what the doctor ordered. They're available at Nordstrom for $465. WWAKE Triangle Opal Earrings
For a more affordable option, check out these tear drop opal studs on Etsy. If you like opal, the brand has a ton of similar delicate pieces.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 3/26/25:
- Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- I'm fairly senior in BigLaw – where should I be shopping?
- how best to ask my husband to help me buy a new car?
- should we move away from DC?
- quick weeknight recipes that don’t require meal prep
- how to become a morning person
- whether to attend a distant destination wedding
- sending a care package to a friend who was laid off
- at what point in your career can you buy nice things?
- what are you learning as an adult?
- how to slog through one more year in the city (before suburbs)
I was catching up on yesterday’s thread and someone put out a call for a career coach in DC. I think your husband needs an executive coach (versus a career coach). I know this woman personally and she’s amazing, and seems to know her stuff (I am in a similar field) but I haven’t worked with her directly. http://www.leadershipenhance.com/aboutourfounder.html
Thank you!! I really appreciate it.
Reposting from this morning as I was too late –
Help! How do those of you who speak with clients nearly all day or do speaking at conferences keep your mouth from being so dry? I already drink lots and lots of water and have found it nearly impossible to not have that cotton dryness in my mouth. I don’t necessarily want to be chewing gum or having a mint in my mouth all the time. Any ideas or recommendations?
Coffee helps me, I think because it’s hot. I have some coffee on my desk pretty much all day (only one of them is caffeinated though).
Tea with honey gets me through long trials.
Try a dry mouth spray available at most pharmacies. I used Biotene when I was on a medication that caused dry mouth. It worked better than sucking on sugar-free mints.
+1 I also recommend Biotene spray -it’s helped me with dry mouth.
Life question: anyone out there get bored when you don’t have a life change on the horizon? I know this sounds weird, but it’s something I struggle with. I’m 35, happily married with 3 kids, live in a smallish community within driving distance of two medium/big cities. We live in a single family house and have been here for 2.5 years. I’ve been in my awesome job for 1.5 years. We have roots in this community with no intention of leaving anytime soon. Life is good, I’m starting to work out/eat better now that my youngest is 15 months old, and we’re not planning on having any more kids. I am super lucky.
That said — and this has happened to me before, so at least I’m self-aware — I get bored when life goes on autopilot like this. We have house projects to do, and my husband brought that up when we were discussing my feelings earlier this week. In the past, I’ve also coped with this by planning a cool/big family trip, but we’re in a spot where we should probably save more/spend less.
Does anyone else ever get bored with life? Work and kids are super busy, so now that I’m back to trying to work out from time to time (3-4x/week) there isn’t a TON of room for hobbies, though certainly not impossible to pick something up. Just trying to combat the blahs.
Can your workout be your new hobby? Like take an adult ballet class or swimming lesson or Mommy and Me yoga class instead of just going to the gym? Learning something new does it for me when I have periods of boredom.
Or set goals or try to compete in competitions within the hobby to make things interesting.
I’m similar – for me it’s less to do with boredom and more that I just like having something I’m looking forward to/working towards. I like the idea of learning something new – treat a new hobby like a project.
Hello! I’m your twin. 36. Married 13 years. 2 kids – no more planned. Same house 9 years. Same job 4 years. I am BORED. Every day is like an exhausting ground hog day.
I’m telling myself that this is life, and that I’m blessed, and that only a boring person is bored (like my mom used to tell me every summer). I recently realized that I’ve lost sight of everything I was once interested in and focused way too much on 1.) my job and 2.) my children. I don’t do anything that’s just for me.
I tried to remember things I liked to do before the kids came along, and before work ramped up. I realized I hadn’t read a book that wasn’t children’s literature (I have a 5th grader–we read together) in over a year. I used to read constantly! I wanted to write my own novel, and I haven’t written anything–even a blog entry–in 4 years. So I’m deliberately trying to work those parts of me back into my life.
I also know this is a season of life. It may feel calm and boring now, but all of this could change tomorrow, either by disaster or something good happening, like a job relocation. I can wake up tomorrow and realize my kids are in a different stage and now I feel kind of lonely because they only want to talk to friends. Life is short and I’m trying to inhale and focus on the good parts of what I have, instead of chomping at the bit to get on with the next big milestone or life-change.
YES. I posted something similar on the mom’s site last week. I’m 35, 2 kids with no plans for more, happy marriage, awesome job/company, in the house we plan to stay in indefinitely. For the past 10 years, I’ve been busy getting married, moving a bunch, getting a PhD, thinking about babies. And now. I’m not really bored exactly but just find myself thinking “what next?”.
What about starting to train for an event? Half marathon, 5k or duathlon? I’ve been in the blah spot before and having a goal really helps.
I have this probelem from time to time. I am 35, single, with no prospects for a decent guy to MARRY. I am cute, but not marrage material b/c men are intimidated by me and my family, and I am NOT interested in just haveing sex with guys who fart and walk away. I work hard all the time, bill alot of hours, and tho I make OK money, I realy want to be MARRIED and liveing in the sububurb’s like my sister. So I am in a rut. I wish I could find a decent guy who wants to MARRY me. Then I think I could be happy. FOOEY! for now.
Could you plan a vacation, so you have something on the horizon to look forward to? Even a three-day getaway within driving distance is exciting when you feel like you’re on auto-pilot mode.
Also, maybe look at the boredom as a blessing. I know that the times when my life was “boring” were also some of my happiest, because I simply got to enjoy the quiet, steady comfort of life being good and stable (though it’s probably easy for me to say that now, when I’m in the middle of a crazy unforeseen chaotic period in my life and am dying for a little “boring”). Something could change at any moment and you will long for your “boring” back.
Yes! I used to feel this way too (married, same house for the last 9 years, same job for the last 8 years), but then my kids got a little older and now my daughter is a teenager and there is a whole host of new issues to navigate, and at the same time my mother got sick and now I care for her too. And I wish I could just go back to being boring.
Could you join a board or get more involved in your community?
This resonates so much with me. I only have one child, but the first year was very isolating and a huge adjustment. After a year of feeling tied down with a baby, I made a new year’s resolution to be more interesting. In my case, this meant getting out and doing more things and socializing more (with the toddler in tow). I’ve been so much happier this year. I’m trying to make a more concerted effort to do fun things where I live. This includes going to the farmer’s market, hiking, trying new restaurants, having friends (and their kids) over, etc.
It sounds like you enjoy the challenge of always having a goal to meet. You can for sure incorporate that into your workouts – instead of saying “I will go to the gym 3 times a week” you can say “I will deadlift x weight by x day” or something along those lines. If you are trying to stick to a budget and eat healthier you can also do something similar there – “this month I will plan all weeknight dinner in advance and cut 100 dollars off our food budget” etc. I am also really motivated by meeting goals and find that I’m way happier when I feel like I am accomplishing something or ticking off a box on a regular basis. You just have to find a way to structure the things you are already doing so that you get that satisfaction from them.
Just want to say thank you to everyone who took time to respond to this. If nothing else, I love knowing that I’m not alone!
I didn’t live in the same place for very long in my 20’s (college in a different city + living abroad for awhile + law school in yet another city) and now that I’ve been “settled” back in my home city and working for 5 years: yes, yes I do get bored. Sometimes I miss my peripatetic lifestyle. But on the other hand, I remember finding it very lonely at times, and there’s something to be said for getting to know the nooks and crannies of your hometown really well (the tiny family-owned taco place with a tiny sign and a line out the door; the sketchy looking banh mi place that seriously looks abandoned; the little out-of-the-way art museum; the one park with an amazing vantage point for the sunrise, etc. etc.). I would say make a point of going to new places in your city and the two nearby. I doubt you’ve been everywhere and seen everything.
I’ve also found I feel less restless since getting really involved with a hobby I love.
This is me too and I think it’s part of being a driven person. When you’re constantly in ‘drive’, feeling like you are parked is a bit maddening. I’d try to look at it like this and set up some goals to work toward.
I am working with another attorney on a project, and it is not going well. She has worked here for thirty years, and I have worked here for five years. I am not new or junior, but she has obviously been here much longer than I, and she is in charge of the project. I was brought onto the project to help her.
But I can’t help her. She is the most disorganized human I have ever encountered. She is a very nice person, and I otherwise really like her, but working with her is an exercise in futility. For example, last week, we had a hearing. Before the hearing, she and I strategized what our position should be and what reasons we have in support. We had the same conversation three times (because she forgets the first time, then she loses her notes from the second time, so we have every conversation three times). We decided at the hearing we would oppose the motion because (reason 1) and (reason 2).
She and I went to the hearing, and she stood up and said that we do NOT oppose the motion. The judge asked, what about (reason 1)? She responded that we didn’t know anything about reason 1 but that it was fine with us. YES WE DID KNOW and NO IT IS NOT FINE. And why did she tell me we were going to oppose the motion and then drag me to a hearing where she completely contradicted everything we decided?
She’s one of those people who wants to “meet” on every issue, but then the “meeting” is just me watching her proofread a document and ignore any of my suggestions to fix it. When I say I’m going to go work independently on another part of the project and please call me if you need me, she says she needs me there to “bounce things off of” while she works. (I am not sure if she can call it “bounce things off of” me if she ignores my feedback… I think she is just “throwing things” at me at that point).
I am very frustrated. This project is going to fail, and I am going to be at least partly responsible. But I don’t know what to do to fix it– I have little to no autonomy, all my suggestions are ignored, and I am not in control of any part of it. Is there anything I can do to work more efficiently with her? Probably not, so my second question is– what can I do to minimize the negative impact on my own reputation?
If she’s been there for 30 years, other people know this about her too. Some other senior attorney at the firm might have suggestions. I would approach it with them very professionally – “Have you worked with ___ before? We seem to have very different work styles. Can you give me any tips?”
With her, commit all of your decisions / agreements to writing. A sample e-mail: “This e-mail confirms our strategy for the hearing. We are opposed for reason 1, and reason 2.” Print out the e-mail and bring it with you. If she objects, say “It helps me remember our strategy if I write it down so I don’t get flustered in the moment.”
And document everything. This sounds very frustrating.
Document everything. Keep a log of events if you have to. When ever she gives you an assignment or you decide on a strategy, write it in an email and send to her just like TK suggested.
Do you have anyone more senior that you trust and who you can alert now?
Not to scare you, but I was on a huge project like this with a partner who sounds similar, but he was also vicious and looking for a scapegoat. I got fired at his request. Not because of failure to document or because I really did anything wrong, but because it was his word against mine and no one was interested in even hearing what I had to say. Good luck to you. If I had had more powerful people in my corner and aware of the situation earlier on, it might have been better. For many reasons, that was not possible for me, but may be for you.
“Do you have anyone more senior that you trust and who you can alert now?”
+1
I legitimately think my boss has signs of serious memory problems (your story about having every conversation three times strikes such a chord with me!) and I started by going to coworkers, and then at their urging recently went to HR. I had a very specific, very egregious instance of this memory problem and I went to them that day to document it.
In this case, OP, I would go to HR or someone else senior about this hearing and document these events. This is a serious issue.
It might not help you in the end, as it didn’t anon at 2:58, but I have personally found that I feel less helpless and frustrated if I can at least document it with my organization that this is going on. If I get blamed for something and fired anyway, at least I’ll know that I got fired by an organization that was willing to scapegoat me instead of firing someone truly incompetent. Probably cold comfort if I end up job hunting, but it’s something.
Re: the motion- did the client want to oppose the motion? And then she did the opposite? This seems like a good way to get sued for malpractice or reported to the bar.
I’m looking for a workout that is FUN. I cannot get motivated to lift weights or run very easily, but I like biking, hiking, climbing, and other outdoor activities. What are some other ideas for new things I can try that are a good workout, but not necessarily killer? I would like to try surfing, but that would be a bit difficult where I live.
Triathlon? Spirit distance is easier to train for if you don’t have a lot of time.
Did one of those, actually :) It was okay, but took a lot of time to train for! I think I might be looking for something less structured and more “play” like this time around.
Climbing gym? Tennis?
Have you tried orienteering? I only just learnt that it exists but I really want to try it.
Mountain biking. Like a mini roller coaster of a workout.
+1
Adult gymnastics classes, trapeze lessons, and silks lessons are all on my list of fun athletic things to try. You might look up parkour and see if there is a gym or group in your area that does it.
Join a climbing gym and work up to sending 5.12s.
Swimming!
If you are in the DC area, check out Urban Evolution.
Yep, something like this, or one of the gyms that focuses on parkour skills or American Ninja Warrior-type training.
Zumba is the definition of a fun workout
I was going to say Zumba too. Not super high impact (usually), and definitely fun to dance around for an hour…badly if you’re like me and uncoordinated, but still very fun!
If there’s a dance studio near you, see if they have adult dance classes. I have a studio near me that has drop in, basic theatre jazz, ballet, tap, etc. It’s awesome.
Can anyone recommend a buyer’s agent in DC? I’m a first-time homebuyer and a bit intimidated by buying in this market. Thanks.
Kim Privor at TTR Sotheby’s. I’m also a first time homebuyer and she did a fantastic job for me. No pressure at all, very warm, and really knows her stuff. She’s lived in DC for ages and is very familiar with the market.
Andy Musser with Keller Williams. I just bought a place in DC a couple months ago and Andy was extremely patient and helped coach me through the process and strategies. No pressure at all and I am very happy where I ended up!
Do you all have any experience with the various doo-dads that help your duvet stay in place inside the cover? I’ve seen various things on Amazon, the reviews are fairly similar, but wondered if there are pro’s and con’s. I’d prefer not to poke holes in the comforter or the cover. Some of the clips seem a little bulky. I guess I’d be ok with iron-on. Basically, I have decision fatigue and need someone to make this one for me.
Longtime lurker, infrequent poster, and I like this name so much I may keep it.
My duvet cover has ties at each corner and the duvet itself has a little loop that they tie into. It only really moves if the ties come undone. I’ve only ever had one duvet and one cover, so I’m not sure if all of them come like that.
Binder clips!
I use safety pins.
I also use safety pins, one in each corner.
+2
I have used Comforter Grippers Bed Duvet Donuts Holders for about 10 years. No damage to fabric in that time. I thought having hard plastic things in bed would be annoying but I’ve never really noticed them.
I use those little donut looking things. (Went on Amazon while typing and found that they are actually called duvet donuts!) As long as you get them to the very corners, they work really well. No holes or anything. Flip the duvet cover inside out and spread it on the floor. Put the duvet on top and then connect using the donuts. When you are done, flip it right side out and everything will be in place.
I think Shifty Duvet would be a great regular handle to see around here :-)
Buy a better duvet! My duvets from Garnet hill have ties inside and they are the bomb.
I sewed a length of ribbon in to the corner of the duvet cover and a strip of ribbon to the duvet itself.
I also made my own duvet cover, so I already had the sewing machine out…
Anyone else feel like the older you get, the less inclined you are to have kids? I REALLY wanted kids when I was in my 20s. I had this whole idea of my nice little nuclear family loving each other. I felt so sad that I didn’t have that. Now I’m approaching my mid-30s and I… like my life. I look at my friends who have babies and small children and I don’t feel envious of their lives. I don’t want to get up at 6:30 a.m. on a Saturday to take the kids to soccer, or have to put together elaborate birthday parties, or be sick all the time because your germ factories bring home everything under the sun. I like having free time and DVR space and disposable income. I’m just not sure what about having kids makes it worth it, because from the outside looking in it seems that all the parents I know are pretty miserable.
Since you mentioned a nuclear family, do you have a partner? If not, maybe you’re just learning to appreciate the silver lining of not having kids.
I do… I’m engaged actually. Trying to sort out my own feelings before I talk to fiance. It’s not as if I absolutely DON’T want kids, I’m just no longer as convinced as I used to be that I really DO want them. He’s not chomping at the bit to start a family or anything, he’s of the “maybe in 5 years” mindset. I think he likes the idea of being a grandad, but is less sold on being a dad.
I feel the same way, but then I think about my 50s and 60s and if I’d be sad about not having kids, and I think… probably? I just wish I could get all my 30s and part of my 40s to myself, skip over pregnancy and infants, and have the best of all worlds.
I feel the exact same way. I’m in my early 30s and right now I feel like my ideal scenario would be if someone would give me a kindergartener in eight to ten years. I really, really like kids but the idea of pregnancy and infants is just….no. Plus, I just paid off my student loan debt and now I really want to spend my 30s traveling and finally enjoying our DINK lifestyle. But I don’t want to become a mom to an infant at 40 even if I knew that was biologically possible for me, which I don’t.
My plan is to be an aunt and then great-aunt. I’ve always been pretty committed to aunthood, though the special day has not yet arrived to make me one.
Adopt a non-infant?
I’ve seriously considered adoption of an older child, but it scares me because of potential behavioral issues and also the risk of the birth parents trying to take the child back. I think for me the right decision is to have my own kids and just accept that the early years will s*ck but I will eventually get years of fun with a school-aged kid and then an adult kid.
While I think pregnancy sucks. The infant years are the easiest. They may keep you up at night, but they don’t talk back, they stay where you put them, and they’re usually cute (at least to the parents). I clearly have kids, but I don’t think it’s for everyone and I wish that I had more time for me.
I’m struggling with this too. I’m 32 and in the last year my close friends have started having babies and it makes me want a baby less not more. I don’t hate kids or anything and am happy to hang out with my friends babies and toddlers, but it is such a relief to go home to my immaculate, quiet house and free time and healthy bank account and relationship with DH that’s not strained by childcare obligations. I don’t know. I want to give my parents the gift of grandchildren (only child here so I feel a huge burden/obligation to provide grandchildren – they’re being nice about it but I can tell they really want to be grandparents) but I think if my parents both died tomorrow I wouldn’t want kids. And having kids just to please someone else is crazy, right? Sigh. I don’t know. I kind of hope I’m either infertile or have a BC failure so the decision is made for me, since DH and I have agreed we wouldn’t do fertility treatments or have an abortion at this point in our lives.
Yes, I think that having a kid(s) because someone else wants grandchildren is crazy.
The “gift” you would be giving your parents would be giving away a large part of YOUR life, because you would be the one(s) raising any child(ren) you have.
I’m not sure how you could take their wishes on this issue out of the equation so that you could sort it (the idea of having a child/ren) through for yourself, but IMO that’s what needs to happen.
If someone starts trying to guilt you over it, or is doing so now, this may be something Carolyn Hax has written about, before, and IMO her views on healthy boundaries are spot-on. Actually, re-reading what you wrote? Search her archives or write to Hax, yourself. No one has the right to expect their child will “give them” a grandchild.
I love the baby/toddler years but a lot of people find them really hard and just white knuckle it through.
The best way to decide is to think about how you imagine your life in 5-10-15-20 years. Are there kids around the table at Thanksgiving in 20 years? Are they yours or nieces/nephews? If you hate the baby/toddler age, and you are open to other types of parenthood – there are many older children available for foster/adoption.
Signed,
Mom of three who sometimes misses her DINK lifestyle.
This is my thought process. I’m married, getting close to 30, and my husband wants at least two kids. I wish I could freeze time, in a sense, to buy myself 5-7 more years of being childless without negatively impacting my fertility. However, that’s not happening, so we’ll probably start TTC soon.
The thought of us giving us our awesome DINK lifestyle to bring a screaming baby into our house freaks me out. However, I think about us being childless in our 60’s and 70’s, and I can’t imagine not having kids. I want a big extended family around our table at the holidays more than anything. Also, I find myself getting a little sentimental watching my best friend’s three year old grow up. As hard as it seems, I think there are these joyful moments that make up for it (most of the time).
Others may disagree and I’m not a doctor but I think you could give yourself 3-5 years. I know fertility declines with age but most people who have fertility issues, at least of the people I know, had an issue that would have been there regardless of their age.
Though, if you are on hormonal birth control, I would suggest going off now, because often the pill, etc. can mask symptoms of an infertility problem (my sister is going through this now with a pcos diagnosis…would have been helpful for her to have known about it before she was TTC).
I’m 30 and feel great about waiting to have a kid until I’m 35… I suppose if you know you want more than one or two kids it’s worth getting at it, but otherwise, what is the hurry? Plenty of women are having babies in their mid- to late- thirties.
Yeah, this. Unless there’s a family history or a previously diagnosed medical condition like endometriosis that affects fertility, waiting until your mid-30s isn’t that risky. I’m 30 and think I want two, and I’m pretty confident I’m going to wait until 34-35 to even start trying. My mom got pregnant with me at 35 in her first month of trying so I have some good family history on my side, but even for the average person I think you’ve got pretty good odds at 35.
Yeah. I chose my career because it was “family friendly” (ha!) and paid enough that I could support a family. I almost married a guy because we were going to be a power couple with perfect children. I bought a house with another boyfriend in a family-friendly neighborhood with good schools. I studied up on pregnancy and childbirth. I forced myself to go online dating because my “biological clock” was ticking.
Then I started dating a guy who said he didn’t want kids. All I felt was relief. Huge, incredible relief. I was floating on air for a week. It was glorious. I am so glad I’m not having kids. I feel like I dodged years of pain, sleeplessness, being tied to a job I don’t like, and worry.
Should you choose to have children, you can choose how you parent. Not every parent adheres to the soccer games on Saturday morning, grand birthday parties, tons of toys everywhere, busy schedule style of parenting. My husband and I were on that road in our prior big city, and we opted out. We moved to a quieter place where we keep our lives simple. On the other hand, a certain level of mess, sickness and chaos is inherent in children and parenting. Is it worth it? I think so, but that’s just my opinion. I know this is cliche but I love my children with a fierceness I didn’t know existed. At the same time, there are times I miss our prior DINK lifestyle. Unfortunately, to have or not is not always an easy answer, and no one can answer it for you. However, if you want a list of reasons to have kids, my answer is this: I cannot imagine my world without the two hilarious, kind and silly little people in my life.
+1 especially your last line. Yesterday, my 3 year told me “Mom, when you die I will be very sad and I will miss you and I will also die of a broken heart.” A bit morbid perhaps, but sweet. :)
I think some people grow to like their reality– which is great! It is great that you sleep in on Saturdays, can spend your time how you please, and aren’t sick often. I have a little one, and you’re right that I get up early on Saturdays for his activities. From my perspective, even though that did not sound fun to me five years ago, it actually is fun to me now– last Saturday I took him to a little gymnastics class, and it was so fun to help him climb over things and watch him figure out how to do it himself. I can see the wheels turning in his little mind, and it’s very fulfilling to watch him grow from confusion to satisfaction and ultimately joy as he makes his way down the little slide, or whatever. I am also planning his birthday party now, and that’s another thing that would not have been fun for me five years ago– but now I am genuinely excited about him opening his gifts and being surrounded by people who love him. Five years ago, I would not have loved this reality– but now, I really do.
The part that makes it worth it is the kid itself. I am definitely not advocating that everyone should have kids, or that you should have kids. But that is what makes it worth it for me. Even though I wake up early, and even though I am sick sometimes (ahem, now), I don’t really mind those things because my child is so much fun. He is fun to play with, fun to teach things, and just fun to be around. If you have a partner, another wonderful part of parenting is watching my DH develop a relationship with our son, and it’s really neat to me that this little person is a combination of myself and the person I love most in the world.
Had I not had a baby, I think I would still really love sleeping in, disposable income, and all those great things you mention. I think there are a lot of different ways to be happy with your life.
I agree with all of this. Some things become fun because you love the people you’re doing them with. Also, to some degree, you can opt out of having a million activities and have the family life you want. But I’ll be honest, I hate being sick all the time, and not being able to sleep in, and I miss the disposable income and freedom to go to restaurants whenever we wanted. It’s worth it to me, but mostly because I know things will not be like this forever.
Totally agree, esp re watching wheels turn. I feel like I am learning the world and myself better. It’s a lot of hassle combined with overwhelming moments of pure love and joy.
I do really miss my DINK lifestyle… but now it also seems like this perfect moment in time because all my friends had DINK lifestyles too. Literally everyone I knew then has kids now. So when I think about those DINK years now it’s like missing my college years – even if you’d stayed in one place the world would have grown and changed around you.
I’m 31 and I really wanted kids when I was younger. Then I spent years working with kids. That cured me pretty quickly.
“pretty miserable” – well it’s not as hellish as it sounds; like anything you only hear/remember the worst parts about it. Good news isn’t real news, according to those who sell the news.
But on the wanting them less as you age, that sounds like any normal person who gets set in their ways. You’re less willing to compromise over having things your way, be it crappy restaurant service, annoying roommates, or people who complain all of the time. There’s a reason there’s a cutoff age for things like being a new recruit in the military – as you age you are less inclined to tolerate being told what to do (since you’d have the least seniority).
I vaguely wanted kids when I was a teen. I hadn’t really thought it through, also it just seemed inevitable. Now I am SO SO glad I never had any. They can be cute and all, but I don’t want to be the one responsible for them. It’s hard enough keeping a plant alive.
I feel this way about dogs…Love them but don’t want to be responsible for them.
I was always aware that I didn’t want kids, but I have seen this happen to several of my friends: certain they wanted them during their teens and twenties, and then abruptly much more skeptical when we hit our thirties. In most cases, it was due to watching close friends or siblings have kids and seeing how demanding it is.
Personally, I see this realization as a good thing, and part of an overall process of learning more about yourself and what you want as you get older. It’s certainly true that we get more set in our ways as we age, but I think that’s the flip side of the same coin: knowing yourself and caring less about external expectations.
I loved my single kid free life. If things had stayed that way forever, I would have continued to feel happy and fulfilled.
Now I have a toddler, and I never see my friends, and I’m in bed by 930 most nights, and someone in my house always has a cold – or just got over a cold – or is about to get a cold. But I love my life now too. Holidays. Swimming at the lake. Discovering frogs in the front yard. The pride of creating something so uniquely awesome.
I knew what I was giving up / trading for when I started down the family path, and it was worth it to me. It won’t be for everyone.
100% agreed with this. My life pre-kid was great. My life post-kid is also great. They’re just very different in a lot of ways.
Yup. I’m in my mid-30s, living downtown in a big city, with more and more of my friends starting to have kids. The more babies in our life, the more my husband and I think we don’t want them. Our life is just so awesome as is that the stress of having a baby doesn’t look attractive in the least.
Also agree with the commenter who said they’d like to have a fully formed kindergartner. I would totally go for that.
There are so many comments from parents of babies/little ones. So here is some perspective from further down the road. I didn’t have my first until 35 and I had been with dh for 16 years at that point, so we weren’t in any rush. I have a high school senior and freshman now. I feel like I kept “me” while raising them — I have always worked full time, volunteered at non-kid-oriented things, etc. But I also loved learning to be a soccer ref for their games and showing up for baseball in the cold and volleyball in loud gyms.
Next year my son will go off to college. Even when he tells us to “f off” (he’s 17 — that’s what he does), we mourn that he won’t be around next year. Raising my kids has been an amazing experience. I can’t wait to go home tonight and then go shopping for a dress for homecoming for my daughter. I am excited about my son’s job interview this afternoon. Watching them move toward adulthood and independence has been amazing.
And, hopefully, when I become old and frail, they will remember all that I did for them and take care of me. It’s all a long haul, but each generation sacrifices for the next.
Another view from even farther down the road — my kids are grown with their own young kids now. Each stage held different joys and challenges, but the joys vastly outweighed the challenges. Adult offspring are fantastic!
You sound like an awesome mom! :) And as someone who stayed weirdly close to my parents even through my teen years I’m glad there are some people who enjoy having teens. I feel like with babies you hear about all the stress and sleeplessness but also all the joy and sweetness, but with teenagers a lot of people are just like “Yeaaaaa they pretty much $uck.”
I was really ambivalent about having kids. I decided to go for it, and have a 2 year old daughter now, who will be an only child. It is really different from how I thought it would be. The lows are low and the daily grind and weight of responsibility and trying to do the right thing and be a good mom is exhausting. But the highs are so high I can barely breathe. The first time my daughter said “I love you” to me it was amazing (I know I sound like a lunatic). I love her so deeply I would die for her in an instant. Watching her grow and learn and change from a helpless little blob to a girl with thoughts and opinions of her own is so cool. I hear you on the hassle of modern parenting though… The book Bringing Up Bebe really is what convinced me to give it a go. The french way of parenting is very different from the american way. You dont have to parent like an american if you don’t want to with the endless rat race of child-focused activities to the detriment of everything else in your life. I think the pendulum is swinging back towards sanity when it comes to parties. And my daughter was sick a lot her first year, but has been pretty much fine since then. Nothing says you have to have more than one kid, either. If you want to have that relationship, you can have one and call it a day, and get back to doing normal adult activities and traveling a lot more quickly than if you have several kids and the little kid phase stretches across the better part of a decade. I’m not really into the little kid years, though they’re better than I thought they would be.
HOWEVER, if you have become happy and content with how your life is now, maybe you have just discovered what you really want rather than what you always thought you would want. And there is nothing wrong with that. Make sure your fiance is on the same page, and then live your life happily childless. It’s a hard decision, but I firmly believe that people can be happy either way.
Thank you, thank you for your advocacy of “one and done” – it has always struck me that my friends with one seem to retain at least some of their non-parent identity (at least, if they choose to; some go all-in on “American style” parenting by choice), but more than one tends to lead to the total loss of identity and adult-time that I really fear.
This is what I’m leaning towards, too, but my SO is one of three with a SAHD. Both his parents are awesome hippies who very much have their own identities, but also didn’t really value career, ambition, world travel, material comfort, etc. It makes him sad to think of having a kid who won’t have a sibling. And as an only child, I really wish I had siblings. Plus, when kids have each other, in some ways they’re LESS work because they don’t need your attention constantly.
I don’t know, I’m still leaning way towards “one and done,” and I’m glad to read about other people who have come to the same conclusion. To me, it does seem easier, just logistically and financially.
As a counterpoint, I was an only child and loved it – if this is right for your family, don’t have guilt about it.
Yep, planning one and done for us as well. My DH would love two but I was an only child and saw how good my parents had it. They both worked full-time but still spent a ton of time with me, we traveled a lot starting when I was pretty little, they had middle-class incomes but paid for my education in full and funded my participation in a very expensive hobby, etc. They’ve told me explicitly that our lives would have looked totally different if I’d had a sibling – no expensive sport, probably some loans for school, much less travel, my mom’s leave of absence to stay home with me would have been half as long if they’d been planning for her to do the same thing again, etc etc. And my parents dinner table conversations were adult-focused, almost to the point that I sometimes felt like I was crashing a date between them (not in a $exy way but just, they talked about their jobs, lives and friends a LOT, it wasn’t all kid stuff).
To me, you get the best of both worlds (parenthood and still retaining your own adult life) with one. But I am biased I guess because I’m an only and I love it.
Yeah I’m 34 and…I want abs and a pool. Not so much kids anymore. I am and always have been the “mom” of every social group I am in. I am a good dog and cat mom. But…I like my life now. 34 so not really under any pressure yet but no serious partner either. A really great BF that actually could work out. I see myself having a similar talk with him if it progresses. In the Bahamas…with my abs out ;P
Hi. First time commenter, been reading every day for two years.
Got fired from a job I really loved this summer bc of misogyny.
Was too depressed in the immediate aftermath to negotiate a good severence offer.
The company I worked for has a track record of firing women then blacklisting them from the industry.
Seems to be happening now.
Anyone have experience with a situation like this?
Looking for ways to reframe so I have the energy to take better care of myself, economically.
There is a part of the work I used to to wh is easily subcontracted out, and at which I am widely known to excel. (even by my detractors)
There are parts of my professional network who are upset by what happened and who want to help me, (though several of them feel they are limited in what they can do bc they fear retaliation by my former employer)
I had the idea of starting my own business doing this little subcontracted out piece, but just can’t muster the mojo to do the required tasks a great deal of the time.
My reputation is pretty damaged now by the firing and cover story being floated by my ex company (as well as the lead up wh was lengthy and toxic). So part of me wonders if I shouldn’t just leave the industry entirely.
I loved the work and was great at it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It is still all too common. I had a similar experience, though not nearly this awful.
Is there a way to split the baby? It sounds like you spent a long time and energy learning this work, and could you try doing some freelance work without full-scale launching a business? While also spending some time and energy exploring what other types of work you might enjoy or be good at?
Everyone here loves recommending therapy, and I understand why it’s not a good option for everyone. But can you find some way to get some support around these issues? Sending you hugs– this sounds so, so hard. Really glad you commented.
Thx for reply and for hugs.
The business I would start is the only part of it wh is freelancable.
I’m getting nos/ refusal to take my calls I thought would be easy yeses, so that has been chilling.
I need to just try harder, I think, but am pretty demoralized.
I’m scared that being so depressed for the last little bit has made me incompetent?
Today I got extremely lost looking for drill bits in target.
I’m signed up for some prestigious (expensive) industry classes.
Because I wasn’t agressive enough in my severence ask I will run out of money to live on just as the (short) Indy business season is ending.
I’ve tried therapy many times in the past and have not found it to be effective.
Several times it’s been damaging to me though I understand and am glad it’s useful for other people.
My friends have been great but I think they are getting sick of how down I am.
Sounds like this is a period of introspection and that you are doing what you’re supposed to – i.e., asking questions and exploring the possibilities. It’s normal to feel shaken by what you describe going through. You are competent and you know so. Try to not devote too much time to the negative voices in your head or to what the naysayers have to say.
Meanwhile, have you reached out to other women who have been blacklisted in your industry to see if they might have advise/insight to offer? Is relocating an option? For those who want to help, have you met to speak with them to see what they can offer without retaliation and/or to bounce ideas off of them about your next steps, or to see if they have leads outside of your area? Have you taken the time to consider whether you even want to stay in the industry, or whether there is something in particular about the industry that you can find elsewhere? What skills made you excel at your prior job? What other businesses are your skills translatable to? Once you figure out your end game, I think you’ll figure out how to get there in spite of whatever obstacles you encounter along the way.
This bad experience doesn’t define you or the rest of your life. It’s just a chapter that you have to get through. If therapy is not for you, consider a trip to your local library to browse through the self-help section.
I’m sending you lots of good vibes.
advice*
I tired to rech out to previously fired women but the folks who Re in contact with them declined to put me in touch and stopped speaking to me after I asked that they do so.
Relocating is an interesting idea.
It’s a very relational business- my network is in this place.
Part of the reason for the classes is then hopefully I’d be a better candidate to start over elsewhere.
Completing the program will take two years, during which I should stay roughly local.
Thanks for your kind words.
From etsy searching, I am looking for what pulls up in the searches for “Ukranian embroidered blouse” or “Mexican embroidered blouse.” For vendors of these sorts of items, does anyone have any recommended etsy (or other internet) sellers? There is something I love on StyleWe, but since that’s sketchy, I’m trying to find a good vendor to buy from (that has some understandable sizing and a real return policy). Thanks!
I just answered your question in the morning thread. Let me know if you have any others!
Trying this again since my comments keep getting lost in moderation…
I had a garden party with the new guy I’m dating last night for the first time, and I discovered that he has an absolutely enormous p$nis. The biggest I’ve ever seen in real life. It was a little shocking. My exact words were “Oh boy.” He didn’t have any lub$ (wtf) so it was painful and awkward for me (even though he was really considerate). Plus I was already nervous about doing it, and I’m sure my nerves didn’t help with the pain.
Any advice? Has this happened to anyone else? I know we need more prep and warm up next time.
So… buy some lub$ NOW. I have actually torn before. Have some more warm up and prep but the lub$ will save your life. Try positions where you are in more control. If the length is an issue (for me it can be – if too long it will hit my cerv), you’ll want to make sure you aren’t in typical positions that assist with getting deeper. You on top will be most easily controllable for you probably. After some time, you are able to accommodate such a large tool in your shed with less thought.
Your help is needed here.
I think a certain smokeable substance would be waaaaay more helpful here
Try starting you off with lots of oral. And it would likely help a lot if you could have an org@sm before moving to actual P in V.
You on top, so you can control the entry.
He needs to spend a loooooong time taking care of you first (ideally more than one org@sm if you can do that). Buy lub#. Have him take breaks while you are doing p in v to go down on you more. Try a spooning position. If he’s experienced he probably realizes what he is working with and hopefully has ideas about how to make it more fun. Also….you might get used to it and learn to love it. And lub#. Again.
I thought this was an interesting opinion about how Trump may be trying to lose (from NextDraft): https://medium.com/@davepell/hes-trying-to-lose-9f0c174fb9aa#.8e2xu63hv
I haven’t read it yet, but I’m almost more mad if he’s trying to lose because of the damage he has caused (in my opinion).
Oh, I agree. This perspective just hadn’t occurred to me yet (maybe it’s just a me thing?).
DH thinks if he happens to win he’ll step down because he clearly doesn’t want The Job, just wants to win. I think it’s a lot of work (even without the studying to quit. But not a lot of work if you have an end date (losing).
My family has been saying this for months to justify their intention to vote for him, because “we’re not really voting for him, we’re voting to have a Republican president, and he’s not going to actually be the president anyway.” I just… no. I mean, even if it’s true (which I don’t think it is – I think he’s a narcissistic egomaniac who truly believes he’s the best person to run the country/world/universe/etc., and I think even if he doesn’t particularly want to win, if he does, his ego won’t allow him to quit), why would you ever want to be on record as having voted for him?
omg. I believe you but it’s terrifying that there are people voting for him because they think he will step down and let Mike Pence govern. I think he’s way too big of an egomaniac to do that, and why would you vote for such a nutcase on the off chance he will do something he hasn’t said he will do? Crazy!
Well, they also believe we should disregard most of his racism because “he doesn’t mean it, he’s just saying it so people in the South* will vote for him,” so, yeah. This is what I’m working with, here.
*I’m in “the North” and the family members I am talking about have pretty much never left the state, so their concept of the South is basically cobbled together from the Dukes of Hazard, Nashville (the show), and that one Brad Paisley song about racism. I wish I was kidding.
Have you been watching South Park at all this season?
Nope.
They are telling this exact story – the Trump-like character realizes just how hard being President would be and is desperately trying to lose the election, but none of it’s working. Actually, most of the insane things he does just make more people come over to his side. It’s a fascinating take!
Mark Cuban said that Trump wants to win the popular vote (so he’s a winner! Who “won bigly!”) but lose the electoral college so he doesn’t actually have to govern. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. Although according to 538 it’s much more likely to be the other way around, that HRC wins the popular vote and loses the electoral college. If she wins the electoral college she almost certainly will have won the popular vote. Anyway, I do wonder a lot about what’s going on inside his head.
Just read American Psycho- I imagine the insides of Trump’s head sounds almost identical to Patrick Bateman’s stupid, materialistic meanders. An almost dada stream of designer labels, vulgarities and anger.
My doctor called me this afternoon; after spending the last four days in the hospital and getting an upper endoscopy, CT scan of my stomach and a colonoscopy, it was determined I had E. coli. Unclear where from, but I definitely ate at Chipotle during the incubation period.
So, this week is definitely a winner.
That sounds terrible but is so easily fixed. I’m glad its not something worse.
Me too. But dear g-d do I still feel awful. I fell asleep in the shower this morning.
Thoughts? https://www.madewell.com/newarrivals/jackets/PRDOVR~F5971/F5971.jsp
I got this last week and am wearing it today in NY. LOVE IT. I’ve never had a proper raincoat before and it’s so perfect and warm. There are fleece-lined pockets, the hood is protective without swallowing my small-ish head, it’s functional yet sleek looking… I could go on and on :)