Tuesday’s TPS Report: ‘Kat’ Wide Leg Pants

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Trina Turk 'Kat' Wide Leg PantsI can’t quite say what it is about these trousers, but I keep coming back to them (and I’m pretty sure it’s more than the name). I like the wide leg that gets slightly wider at the bottom (instead of just falling straight), as well as the lack of pockets. They’re $248 at Nordstrom. Trina Turk ‘Kat’ Wide Leg Pants

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]


  1. Cute pants. I have a pair from LOFT that has a similar cut, and I find them really flattering. (I’m tall and hippy.)

    Question for everyone: I’m part of a special projects team that meets 1-2 times a month. It’s a tradition that the newest member of the team takes notes during the meeting and distributes them to everyone. I’m the newest member — and have been since January 2008, with no end in sight. Frankly, I’m sick of doing the minutes. It’s a time sink, and sometimes I feel less engaged in the actual discussion because I’m trying to capture the essence of the conversation. Would it be totally inappropriate to ask someone else to take a turn for awhile? Or should I just suck it up and accept this role as part of being a team player? This isn’t something that we can ask an assistant to help with. Due to the technical nature of what we’re discussing, it really needs to be someone within the team.

    • I think you should suck it up. Tradition is tradition. It’s tradition for the newest member of the Supreme Court to get the door, and if there’s no new member for a few years, it doesn’t mean you can just ask Justice Ginsburg to prop the door open once in a while.

      That said, since you mention that you feel less engaged as a result of all this, maybe you can tape record the notes so that you feel more free to participate? Or, you could always try to recruit a new member.

      • Alanna of Trebond :

        On this note, think of Justice Breyer who was the most junior member of the Court for an extremely long time — the Rehnquist Court after he joined remained unchanged until C.J. Rehnquist’s death in 2005, and the Chief Justice was replaced by John Roberts, who obviously was still senior to Justice Breyer! Four years is nothing compared to the twelve years. (!)

        Not that this actually provides any substantive advice, just a thought about tradition.

    • almost 4 years of note-taking would drive me nuts, too! unless everybody else typically puts in the same # of years, but even so.

      i think it’s fair to ask if the burden can be shared. or maybe recording the meetings, so at least everyone can pay full attention during the convo.

    • Hmm. I think my hunch depends on two other factors – one, how often new members typically came along before you, and two, how senior the other members of the team are. If it’s both an unusual lull and some of your relatively close peers are also on the team, I’d be more inclined to suggest sharing responsibility.

      • It’s a team of three of my peers peers and our two managers. The team was relatively new when I started, so the others had maybe 6 months in the note-taking role? There’s no indication that we’ll be adding anyone in the next 12-18 months, so yeah, it’s feeling like a slog. But I get that I may need to suck it up and just do it.

        • Sorry, omit one of the “peers” in the first sentence!

        • The tape-recorder idea is both practical and a good symbolic way to subtly and respectfully raise the issue without complaining. They might hear you and open the door to new rotations, or they might not, but you still improve your participatory possibilities by being fully present in the meeting , then doing your notes later. More of a full member.

        • Suggest that the meetings be recorded. No need to ask other people to take notes (although they may offer/suggest that).

          Your inability to fully focus on the conversation, your 4-year tenure as note-taker, and your role as 1/6th of the team, entitle you to make constructive suggestions that would benefit the group as a whole.

    • Are you the only female? Sometimes women get stuck in note-taking roles and it’s really frustrating.

      Is this really “tradition” if the team has only been around a little longer than the four years?

      I’d bring it up, tell them you’ve paid your dues, and ask that someone else do it. But that might not be a appropriate in your team.

  2. Rude Coworker :

    I like these pants, but I so rarely wear pants, I couldn’t justify spending more than $100 on them.

    Question: what’s the best way to deal with a rude coworker who doesn’t know she’s rude? This coworker is new-ish to my group and frequently has questions. Rather than asking politely, she’ll yell down the hall and say, “Name, come here!” or send me an IM that says, “I need help. Come to my office.” She never phrases these as requests or questions, always demands. This might not bother me if it happened infrequently but it occurs at least twice a day, and it’s not just me she does this to. She’s got children my age, if she were younger, I’d just say, “Could you please ask me when you need help?” but since she’s older, I’m having trouble with this. Help please? TIA!

    • Rude Coworker :

      I feel like I should clarify, I am wearing skiers, not going bottomless! :)

      • Thanks for the clarification; I was on the verge of making a Motion to Compel Pants.


        • Honeycrisp :

          I probably should not find the idea of a Motion to Compel Pants so funny, but I almost choked on my tea laughing at this. Well done.

    • Are you senior to her or junior?

      I’m guessing senior so when I get the IM I would simply say “I’m available to talk in 5 minutes, feel free to come to my office then”

      To be honest even your phrasing of “could you please ask me when you need help” sounds kind of weak and wishy washy. I would just set boundries, its not rude to say what I outline above.

      • Rude Coworker :

        We are equals, but I’ve been in the position 2 years, and am supposed to help her learn the new position. I would ask her to come to my office, but some of the work requires us to be at her computer.

        • I like the idea above, though, not asking her to change but changing your response– doing what she wants, with a little bit of stand-up-for-yourself assertion.
          Don’t need to request her to come to you, just set your own terms for coming to her. It’s symbolic.

        • I had this issue with a new coworker who was taking over part of my workload and had very little experience doing what I do. I scheduled twice-weekly meteings with her to discuss any questions she had and attempt to get her up to speed. After a predetermined period of time (about 2 months) I cancelled the meetings and agreed to be available to answer questions on an ad hoc basis. Over time, she was required to be responsible for her own work and leave me be.

      • +1 to this approach. You’re helping her out (which you say is within your responsibility) but asserting yourself at the same time/showing that she doesn’t get to snap her fingers and everyone jumps. You could also suggest a time later that day to sit down together – we have a library for impromptu meetings, so my approach would be something like, “No problem, happy to look at X together. Let’s meet at 2:30 in the library.”

    • This sounds like a perfect opportunity to launch a sarcastic “Can I get a ‘please’?”

      And by “this,” I guess I mean everything rude coworker says.

    • Diana Barry :

      I would have a casual conversation with her where I mentioned “some people find your style of asking when you need help a little rude – in this office we usually say please when requesting something.”

      That way it’s not just you that is being peeved, and more like a heads-up to her of the way your office works.

      • Great advice, Diana Barry.

        If you’re in charge of teaching her, then teach her. She probably doesn’t know how to do it politely. Not everyone does.

        She probably grew up in one of those homes where people are yelling for each other up the stairs and whatnot.

  3. Rude Coworker :

    I feel like I should clarify, I am wearing skirts, not going bottomless! :)

    • I need a pair of new pants with a bigger seat!!! After my turkey turned out DRY, I had to eat alot of it myself.

      BTW, I did NOT invite Alan to my Thanksgiving b/c I did not want to have my Parent’s ragging on him for his alchoholism. It is suposed to be a HAPPY holiday, and he would NOT have made me happy.


      I hope to find a REAL man to marry who will NOT drink!

    • I’m glad you clarified. I was a little worried about both your “no pants” and “wearing skiers” comments ;-)

  4. Finally took the plunge and bought the Lo and Sons O.G. yesterday (Christmas gift from my Mom)! I knew someone on here would appreciate my delight! I have been searching for a while and it really does seem like the perfect travel bag. I’ll report back when I receive it.

    • Ooh! I am eyeing the olive one, which is currently out of stock (which is good for my wallet). Please do report!

      • I was tempted to get the red (the rest of my luggage is red), but it was also out of stock. Black and red probably look better than mismatched reds anyway.

        • KathrynNYC :

          I love my OG. I recently took it (and only it!) on a four day trip and was able to fit everything. Even gym clothes and sneakers! It really is amazing…

        • I’m not sure whether I ever posted a review. I also bought the OG when Kat did her post on Lo & Sons. When the bag arrived, I was a little disappointed in how it looked – the nylon was kind of puffy, for lack of a better word. I like really structured items so it wasn’t as appealing to me as I thought it would be.

          However, it has become my go-to bag for single overnight trips. I carry just this bag + my handbag through the airport and am not weighed down hauling a roller around. The Lo & Sons bag is super lightweight and has a shoulder strap, so it’s not too heavy for me to carry around for extended periods of time. The isolated shoe compartment is genius, and there’s plenty of room for my laptop in the padded compartment. In addition to shoes and my laptop and associated cord, there’s plenty of room for tomorrow’s outfit, jammies, toiletries and even a file or two.

          Great bag. I no longer care that the nylon looks a little puffy. :)

    • I just got mine a couple of weeks ago, used it for my TG trip! It’s pretty great. My only complaint is that the outside pocket is a little hard to use when you’ve fully packed the big middle pocket. Maybe a little more structure in the sides would help? (though surely that would add some weight). Overall, I really like it, though. My 13″ laptop fits perfectly, plus a medium-sized handbag, ipad, noise-cancelling headphones, book, scarf, etc. I’d been looking forever for a good second carry-on that would fit all of those things. Plus, there are pockets for 2 smartphone-sized devices on the side, one for the work bb and one for the personal phone, and pen holder pockets and a key fob, etc (but see above re them being a little hard to use with a fully packed bag).

      I’d been eyeing the espresso one, but it sold out in less than a day! Ended up with the black one, which is fine and goes better with my luggage anyway. Got the light gold hardware and lavender interior – was a little worried that the gold hardware would look cheap in person, but I actually think it looks nice.

  5. I have a question. Are wide-legged pants still “in style”? I hope the answer is “yes” because I have a lot of them, but I suspect the answer is “no” and that narrow-legged pants are the thing to be wearing now. Is this a regional thing in different parts of the country?

    • I don’t think narrow-legged pants are in yet for office attire. I’ve gotten a few pairs of pants similar to those pictured above from LOFT this season (love the Scuba pants) and haven’t really seen any with a narrow leg that appear to be designed for the workplace.

      • Salit-a-gator :

        I love the LOFT scuba pants too! The thicker material makes them great for winter and they hide any flaws. I feel like a chump though, because now the whole site is 50% off and I bought some of them at only 25% off. Cyber Monday deals make me feel like I shouldn’t be shopping at all the rest of the year.

        • I had an incredibly busy day yesterday and had zero downtime to shop. I happened to see a couple of deals and they are all over today. I’m so upset (notably – shopbop.com had a fantastic deal). Oh well, I’ll save it for after Christmas sales.

    • i think wide-legged pants, done correctly, will always look elegant and classic. done correctly meaning – well-fitting, preferably with a belt, a fitted or tailored top (like a jacket, or a fitted blouse), and properly hemmed. wide pants need to be hemmed pretty long to look right, and they look best with heels.

      wide legged pants that stop at the ankles (or above the ankles) – thus breaking up the line and flow and highlighting the foot – do not look good, in my humble opinion.

    • I don’t want to live in a world where they’re not. My answer is always “yes.”

    • I think whatever suits your body best is more important than what’s “in style”. If you look good, then you’re stylin’.

      • I agree – go with what looks good on you. They may not be trendy, but that doesn’t mean they are out of style.

    • I think certain classic cuts of clothing may not be “in style” but are never “out of style”. E.g. bootleg cut jeans weren’t trendy for the past few years (though my fashion mags tell me they’re coming back), but since they’re a classic style women continued to wear them and look stylish, as opposed to something like bell bottom jeans, which definitely make the wearer look out of touch if worn when they’re not trendy. Imo, as long as they’re cut well and fit well, wide leg pants will always be appropriate.

    • Vegas Baby :

      Coming from the same state as you, keep in mind that the dress code is very informal here compared to other states/regions. I haven’t seen too many people wearing narrow-legged pants (or maybe I haven’t noticed). But, as someone who also prefers wide-legged pants, I think they are perfectly fine and I doubt anyone would bat an eye if you’re wearing them.

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      Technically (on a purely NYC fashion note), wide-legged pants are now more in style than narrow legged styles — as wide as possible. For office-wear, I think wider legs are seen as more conservative for women.

  6. I have a couple of wide legged pants, but at 5’3 and hippy, I always feel like I look extra wide with the wide legs as well. Anyone else?

    • Do you wear a belt? I love wide-legged pants and am hippy, but almost always wear a belt or a shirt with a waist embellishment to bring the eye up.

    • me too, this is my problem. I feel like they go down from my hips (my widest point) and make me look like my legs are tree trunks and i look way more bottom heavy than when I wear my skinny jeans, for example. I am glad it’s not just me ;o)

      i keep trying, but after getting frustrated i default back to skirts.

    • My view with wider-legs is that they should balance out your silhouette. I am pear-shaped and I prefer wider/flare pants and jeans. They are tighter around my hips and thighs, and then expand around my knees and go down.

      With skinny hems, I feel like I look like a teenager – or some sort of overgrown teenager that looks like a balloon with chopsticks for legs. Weird.

      I fell much more like a human being with pants that flare.

  7. Former Clerk :

    Repost of a threadjack from last night: anyone dealt with early-stage melanoma? My stage 0 from September was just “upgraded” to a Stage I today, in addition to another fun little possible “early evolving” one on my arm (that, again, I was the one to catch and insist be biopsied), and I’m feeling frustrated and a little bit freaked at the large relative jump in 5 year mortality rates. Any specific New York recs would also be appreciated. I’ve had a bit of a merry-go-round lately with doctors and pathologists (initial reluctance to biopsy, minimizing my concerns, unresponsive staff, the mis-staging, etc.) and I’m open to suggestions. (I’ve got an appointment at Sloan tomorrow to discuss an overall plan of attack given the multiple primaries, but if anyone knows any aggressive and eagle-eyed regular derms in the city for all my 3-month follow-ups, that would be very helpful!)

    • sheryl clark, on park & 61.
      (212) 750-2905

    • I had a stage IA melanoma removed from my right ear in February 2009. It was a little freaky for me — I had watched the mole evolve, my derm thought it looked basically ok but did agree that it had changed, we removed it, and then boom, she’s calling me with path results and my worldview shifted a bit. It was the first time I made my husband cry. I had to have the top half of my ear removed due to margins, and then reconstructed by a plastic surgeon (I’m very pleased with the results, though in point of fact my ears now do not match. No one but my hair dresser and the woman who gives me massages has ever noticed)

      Fortunately, though, early stage melanoma has an EXCELLENT prognosis. Like truly excellent. I sort of feel weird when I think “I have/had cancer.” Like I’m not really in that club, because the strong strong strong possibility is that I will never die of my disease.

      Additionally, like you — it sounds — I had multiple moles. The first year post diagnosis, I went to the derm every three months, and I think at each visit I had at least one mole removed, and one time I had to go back for re-excision with better margins. It’s all sort of weird. Now, I’m almost 1 year out from having any moles removed.

      Definitely go to MSK. You will feel good there. They are really one of the best and will be able to make an appropriate plan. They may have a derm that they recommend who specializes in melanoma, who I would definitely go to. In my experience, I was much happier with my derm, who really does moles and not cosmetic derm.

      Hang in there, but separate early stage melanoma from thick or late stage. They really often behave in a different way, and do not have the same implications for your life span.

      • Former Clerk :

        Thank you so much. Things are sort of crazy for me otherwise now and all this just feels like adding injury to insult. I feel like every time I go to the derm, I point out something, he or she is like, Eh, it’s nothing, I insist, and boom, path report comes back otherwise. I need someone at least as crazy as me to watch my a– (literally)! I can’t see back there!

        I had to “audition” for the Sloan doc I am seeing via cover letter and pathology reports, and now he wants to see me, but it’s like, yay, he wants to see me!, but damn, I guess my path reports were in fact interesting, in the “ancient Chinese curse ‘may you live in interesting times'” sense.

        • It may be interesting in the sense of “really good chance for a complete cure! I could really do something for this patient!”

          I hate the implication that if you’re just positive enough, you’ll be cured, because really, a tumor doesn’t care if you smile or cry, but at this point I think you just need to push ahead and get all the information you can. I myself have a tendency to disasterize, but do try to remind yourself that early stage melanoma is pretty treatable (I work at a cancer research agency and agree with EC MD’s comment) and try not to get too panicky. Not that it wouldn’t be difficult for me to take my own advice if I were in your situation.

          Best of luck to you!

      • I had a melanoma, too, and I also had to deal with initial reluctance to remove/biopsy. My dermatologist at the time recommended that I not have it removed, and said that if I was worried about how it looked, I’d have a scar in its place anyway. Well, no, jerkface, I’m not just some vain girl, in fact it’s the mole itself bothering me, please remove it. Not that I said it that way (I was just a teenager at the time) but I did insist, and next thing I knew, I was having part of my arm removed! (the derm did later apologize – it was pretty unusual back then for anyone under 40 to have a melanoma, and it never occurred to him that it really could have been cancer – though now I know it had all of the classic signs). Anyway – the point is that you are not crazy, and you are the only person who is going to care enough pay close attention to your body and be insistent about what needs to be done.

        As to my melanoma – they got good margins on the first try, it healed fine, the scar doesn’t bother me in the least, 20 years later and there has been no recurrence or further melanoma. Like EC MD said, it’s almost weird – yes, I had cancer, but really I don’t feel like I belong in the cancer club. There was no extended treatment, no chemotherapy or radiation, and I didn’t live knowing that I had a tumor for more than a couple of days – just one quick, limited surgery and prognosis is excellent when you catch it early, like you did.

        (Relatedly – since then, I’ve gone in for annual check-ups, but honestly have had trouble finding a dermatologist who I feel is actually keeping an eye on things. I thought I’d finally found one – a melanoma specialist who last year catalogued the size/shape and location of each mole – but then this year, she walked into the exam room, said “since you were last here, melanoma has become an epidemic!”, and then didn’t even refer to her chart or take any new measurements, just gave me a quick once-over. Ookay.)

        • Former Clerk :

          Agh! Yes! This! I first asked my family doctor to take a look-see; she said it was fine because it was flat. (No. Flat is often more worrisome than raised. Thanks, skincancer.org and hypochondria!) Then I went to one derm who said, “Well, I don’t love it, but you don’t want me to CUT you and then you’ll have a SCAR, right? So come back in 6 months.” and bounced out of the room. (My estate would have gotten a lovely settlement out of her, I’m sure, eventually.) Then I went to my current derm (who is sweet and accommodating and will respond to my hypertechnical emails even after working hours) and said, “Well, I think it’s probably okay, but I’ll be happy to biopsy it for your peace of mind.” Then he did a shave biopsy (which hardcore melanoma sites tell me should not be done?) and then like three weeks later they finally get the results back to me. Then I have to deal with getting a plastic surgeon, and in the meantime, now I’m giving the old hypochondriac once-over to this tiny little freckle on my arm, the only suspect thing about which is that I don’t remember having it in high school, possibly, and I schedule my 3-month follow-up early so that I can make him biopsy this one too, and again, he minimizes it, saying he would be “shocked” if it’s anything more than a moderately dysplastic mole, and again, the path report says it’s severely atypical and delightfully “can’t rule out” “early, evolving melanoma.” Yay, second wide excision in three months. Also? Another shave biopsy, with pigment still visible, so goodbye to any accurate staging. Also, and most importantly, why do you keep thinking they are fine when they keep coming out as melanoma? I’m not the one with the medical degree; why do I keep finding them? Mine were on my right b**b and on my right arm, and I was the one who basically diagnosed both. What’s the plan for diagnosing things that are not, like, in my line of sight while I’m in the shower? Gah.

          • Gah, your experience was worse than mine! At least my first dermatologist finally removed mine after I argued with him about it. Thank goodness you pursued it with 2 more doctors!! It’s pretty crazy when you think about it. (1) if you catch it early, great prognosis! If not, not so great. (2) it’s clear that I am in the high-risk category. Redhead, light eyes, not really mole-prone, but already had one. (3) generally, all you have to do to catch it early is be super eagle-eyed and maybe overly conservative in mole removal. Keep a record. Be able to tell if a mole or frecklish something on the skin looks suspicious or has changed in a suspicious way. That’s it. (4) WHYYY are doctors specializing in these issues not more careful? Why argue against mole removal? And why so casual about the body scan? The 10-second once-over may catch a lot of cancerous moley things, but obviously not all of them. It just seems so cavalier.

          • One more thing — don’t know if you are still looking at this thread, but it occurred to me.

            Definitely ask about dermal mapping — basically, close up photos of your entire skin, to document moles so that evolution is easier to appreciate it. Many insurances don’t cover it, but it is great, especially if your insurance situation is in flux or you think you might relocate/find a different dermatologist.

            Also, at this point, your dermatologist should remove anything YOU are concerned about. Period. Mine does. Also, if you have a particularly mole-y back (I do, probably due to sun exposure) is there a friend you could ask to look at it periodically?) I have friends who would do it for me. Or an SO or family member.

          • Considering how little my insurance IS covering these days – $500+ for a routine blood test with my physicial? Really, BCBS? And, also, really, doctor’s office? What other profession/service will just do stuff and then be like, oh, and now you owe $600 btw – why not at dermal mapping to the list? Thanks for the update, good to know the right terminology and options.

    • For what it’s worth, I have been married twice and did not have a registry either time. The first time, I was just out of college and clueless. My parents and my husband’s parents just bought us items for setting up our first household, and we used them all. We got a couple of things that were not our taste, but other than the deep fat fryer (I am not kidding) we used them all.

      When I married my current husband, we had both been married before and were merging households. We really really didn’t want presents! We had a very small wedding and let people know we were not expecting gifts. We got some anyway, and we love them all. Wine glasses, champagne flutes, photo frames and donations to charity in our names.

      As long as you’re not avoiding the registry as an implicit way to ask for cash instead (which had never occurred to me before reading some of the comments), I think it’s fine. I enjoy buying wedding gifts for people, whether they’re on a registry or not. I like knowing people’s china pattern and enjoy buying pieces for that, but if not, I buy crystal and include a gift receipt.

  8. Concerned Mom :

    Threadjack: Daughter is getting married this spring. She and fiance don’t want to register. Have any corporetters done that, or attended weddings w/o registry? Would you recommend it? Is it a huge no-no? How have you spread the word? FWIW, we live in the southeast, and most of the guests will be from the east coast.

    • I’ve never heard it done, but to be honest I like the idea. I would love to have no registry when I get married, I find it tacky which I realize is crazy because everyone has one. But I really would prefer no gifts and for everyone to just enjoy the party I throw. The problems- people are prob. going to buy stuff anyway, it just won’t be stuff you picked out. What are her reasons for not having one?

      • If you want to not register AND not get random presents, I think you have to give your guests an outlet for their desires to recognize your wedding (believe me, for many of us its so ingrained in our very beings that you bring something to a wedding that we can’t not do it, even if asked).

        I went to one wedding where the bride just asked that everyone bring a thank you note for her mother (who had planned the shindig), I though that was nice.

        Another option is to “register” at a few charities — kind of a “no gifts please, but feel free to give a donation in our name to X Y or Z charity.

      • I kind of feel like if I got married, I would ask for only donations to charities, gifts handmade by the giver (quilts, music, whatever), or food.

        I have enough stuff.

    • I’ve been to a couple weddings without registries, I think its basically a tacit way of asking for cash instead of presents. But they should be prepared that some people are going to get them presents and they will be to that person’s taste rather than the bride and grooms.

      I don’t think registries are mandatory by any means (and certainly some people think they are uncouth). But I think they are a way to ease things for the guests so they don’t have to worry about what to get the bride and groom.

      If they decide not to register, don’t specifically “spread the word”. Don’t include anything in the invitation and when people inquire, just say that Janie and Jimmy haven’t registered anywhere and of course will appreciate whatever they get (or something to that effect).

    • AnonInfinity :

      I did not register, and I was happy with that decision. I got a lot of cash and checks, lots of very thoughtful gifts, and few repeats. The repeats I did get were very easy to return (though this could be a product of my region or particular social circle — pretty much everything was from Wal Mart or one of only a couple major department stores we have in the area).

      I am a generally “zen” person, anyway. I’m ok without matching bath towels, cloth napkins, or china. I honestly had no desire to go to BB&B one afternoon and pick out measuring spoons. Some people love it; I couldn’t care less.

      If your daughter doesn’t want to register, then I don’t think you should pressure her to. As I alluded to earlier, receiving mismatched kitchen towels was preferable to feeling like I had to pick out every.little.thing. More importantly, for me, part of the excitement of receiving a gift is finding out what the giver thinks I will like or need. I loved not having any idea whatsoever was coming up next.

      • AnonInfinity :

        I typed this without seeing any replies. As a follow up — I am in the South (though not the Southeast). There are many, many people in my family across all generations who view wedding registries as rude. This was a factor in my decision, though my major motivation was just that it did not seem important to me.

        Also, it never occurred to me that not registering could be seen as a plea for cash.

    • Why doesn’t she want to register? Risks of not doing so: you’ll offend people by whatever they feel is implied by your lack of registry (which will def. vary by guest); they’ll buy you some gift that they deem wedding-appropriate that is may/may not be returnable and not necessarily your taste (e.g., Waterford heart shaped ring holder). Without getting into the “all gifts are thoughtful, you should be appreciative of the effort” vs. “people who don’t pay attention to your taste and then shop at their local Gift Shoppe for your wedding are tactless monsters” debate, reactions:

      (1) They only want money (this is my default reaction). I can see this would be especially tricky in the etiquette/tradition-bound southeast. This is probably the hardest one to do tactfully, because people hate being told what to give, like giving gifts that they think the person will keep and remember the day/associate with the giver (as opposed to cash that might go towards groceries or whatever) and it’s hard to ask for money without sounding unappreciative or greedy. Maybe they could register for a few bigger-ticket items, so at least people could see where their money/giftcard would go? (Plus, many retailers give you a discount to finish your registry – so if they have their eyes on a new sofa or something, they might get a deal afterward even if no one officially buys the item).

      (2) They want donations to charity instead. Why not pick one or two to target for donations – then people would know the intention.

      (3) They have all the typical registry housewares and want, ex, a new kayak or a cordless drill or whatever. Amazon registry!

    • Salit-a-gator :

      As a wedding guest and former bride, I believe the “no registry” idea is noble in spirit, but may backfire. My law school rommate got married without a registry. It put all her friends in an awkward position – instead of knowing we’re getting something she may want, we spent countless hours brainstorming about what to get her.

      If your daughter trully needs no kitchen do-dahs, then set up a charity registry or a honeymoon registry. People can make a charitable donation in the bride and groom’s honor or they can contribute to a honeymoon fund (there is a honeymoon registry online for this, not sure what the website it). At the very least, this should be addressed in some fashion on the wedding website otherwise you’ll get lots of phone calls inquiring where she’s registered.

    • I have been a guest at oodles of weddings. Please, for the comfort of her guests, have her register. Just have the information available when they ask her/you. Do not include registry cards with invites, though (ick).

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I’ve been to a few weddings without registries and it does make things a little more complicated for some guests. I prefer it as a guest when there is a registry. That being said, I also agree with CSF’s point that it is their wedding and their decision.

        • Research, Not Law :


          It’s not worth making a big deal over, but it is awkward for guests. It definitely appears more common now. I typically see it with people who either have a lot already (ie, two adults combining households) or who are consciously trying to not appear greedy. They are both good reasons, but they put guests in a difficult place. For that reason, my husband and I still registered for a few things, even though there was little that we needed. We looked around our home for random items that were missing or needed to be replaced – and we registered for (and use!) china.

          You could suggest amazon’s universal registry, or non-traditional registries such as REI or Lowe’s. Or a charity request. It at least gives guests a go-to rather than being confused on how to interpret. But like I said, this isn’t the point to argue about.

      • Is it tacky to include registry info on a wedding website? I am having a 175 person wedding and don’t really want to field questions from 175 people about where I’m registered. Especially because many of the guests are parents’ friends who do not even have my phone number or email.

        • I think that’s pretty normal. It is much preferred over including the registry information in the invite.

        • Salit-a-gator :

          I got married in June and had my registry on my wedding website. The wedding website was in a smaller font at the bottom of the invitation. I didn’t have registry inserts for the invites becuase they’re tacky. I looked into it and this is pretty commonly accepted as the way to do it.

          • MissJackson :

            This is not intended to be a personal attack on Salit-a-gator, but I really, really, really dislike the way that anything non-traditional regarding a wedding is labeled as “tacky”.

            I’m not taking any stance one way or another about including regristry inserts in invites or actually having a registry, but I wish the wedding industry wasn’t so judgmental. (Someone once told me that it was “tacky” not to spell out states on wedding invitations, and it put me over the edge.)

            I know, I know: I’m a crazy and naive idealist. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

          • You are not alone – how did “tacky” become the way to say “well, *I* wouldn’t do it that way”?

          • Salit-a-gator :

            MissJackson – not insulted at all. That was my personal opinion of registry inserts and I completly understand why the whole wedding ettiquette stuff drives you crazy. I didn’t buy into the whole “top layer of the cake you save for 1 year” or the separate table only for bride or groom. Everybody insisted that’s the way it was done, but it was my wedding so I did it the way I wanted it. We didn’t save any of the cake (more freezer space thank you very much!) and sat with the bridal party. I don’t believe in doing something if it doesn’t feel authentic to me.

          • I got married this summer and it never occurred to me that including registry inserts in the invites was rude until I started planning and reading all this wedding stuff. (Don’t worry- I didn’t do it). It still boggles my mind a bit. Like it’s more polite to make your guests to their own research instead of making it easy for them? I’ve received invites with the inserts before and it never rubbed me the wrong way. Oh well.

            Anyway, my husband is from a different culture wherein registries are odd and confusing, the standard is to give cash. We registered for the benefit of my half of the guests, who would be confused if there was no registry.

        • Registry info is okay on the website, not okay on the invites. And in pre-internet days, I think you were supposed to ask the family of the bride/groom, rather than the bride/groom themselves, to avoid the appearance of gift-grubbing.

          • Honestly, if you’re registered anywhere nowadays, typing your name + registry into google brings up either your registry or a website telling you where the couple is registered. This is pretty much how I get everyone’s info.

        • SF Bay Associate :

          My comment is stuck in moderation. Interesting.

          My wedding is next month. Our registry is on our website, partly because talking about getting gifts makes me so uncomfortable that I’d rather just point people to our website in general, and then hope they come across the registry link instead of asking me where they should buy us a present.

    • It’s really common in some places and for small or informal weddings. For reference, I’m from the Pacific Northwest and my entire family is from Nor. Cal and I’ve been to a lot of weddings without registries and wouldn’t bat an eye. Come to think of it, I’ve never been to an East Coast wedding without one, though my sample size is hardly the largest. Anyway, if the couple personally knows everyone’s who coming the wedding pretty well, I think it’s totally normal not to register. If it’s a big wedding with distant relatives and parents’ friends who will have no idea what to get the couple otherwise, I think it’s less normal.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        My entire family is also based in NorCal. We’re having a small wedding. I tried not to register and was informed by my family that it would look like a tacky cash grab. Sigh.

    • I think not having a registry is odd. However, this is my advice: It is her wedding, and her future husband’s. Not yours. So, while your intent may be good, and I do believe it is, please don’t feel you need to persuade her to do anything. If she is getting married, I will assume she is adult enough to make her own decisions.

      It really irks me at all the suggestions to “please have your daughter” do x, when it is daughter’s wedding, and that’s it.

    • I know people who have had weddings without registries. If you don’t really have anything you need and are willing to take whatever people give you, I see nothing wrong with it. That was the case with my sister, who lives abroad and really didn’t have anywhere she could register because there was no way for her to take her gifts back home.

    • Just an FYI – depending on where on the east coast the guests are from, your daughter may receive cash gifts regardless. In the NY/NJ/CT area its almost expected to give a check or cash at the wedding (I won’t get into the icky cover-your-plate aspect of this practice). If the guests are traveling they may also prefer to give cash instead of having to bring a gift or send one in advance.
      The lack of registry seems like more of an issue if you or other friends are planning a shower though.

      • Exactly! I always thought that a registry was for the engagement party or shower rather than the wedding. I don’t think a bride and groom want to deal with a ton of gifts at the wedding. Usually there is some sort of box for cards which usually have checks.

        • I think its a regional thing – Upper Midwest here and we’ve always used the registry for both. Sometimes the wedding gifts get shipped directly to the bride and groom if the wedding isn’t local.

          Although, I’ve been to a few weddings (usually) family, where the Sunday morning brunch after the wedding is also a gift opening time. When my brother got married, my mom mentioned that she remembers being assigned to open and catalogue gifts at one of her brother’s weddings, during the reception, and take care of getting them back to her brother’s house.

        • I’m also on the east coast, and I would disagree that it is almost expected to get money at the wedding. Yes, in some cultures, but certainly not across the board, geographically. No one has gifts to deal with gifts at the actual wedding, either. If you’re registered, the store just sends the gift to the couple. If you’re not buying off the registry, you just ship it yourself.

          All the weddings I have attended with registries have had items across the board so you could certainly get a set of mixing bowls for the shower and something more expensive, like luggage, for the wedding.

          • I’m from a Caribbean island and went to school in the SE. All of the weddings that I have attended (SE, east coast, island home) have all followed this principle. You buy off the registry for wedding and/or showers and have the gift delivered before the wedding. If you want to bring cash to the wedding (or mail a check), you can do so as an alternative to purchasing a gift.

            The principles that I have always followed (and most etiquette “experts” agree, including Emily Post) is that registering isn’t tacky, nor is including registry info in the shower invite or (discretely) on the wedding website, but including it in the wedding invite is. The reasoning is that the whole point of a shower is to bring gifts, so it’s ok to include gift info, but not ok to “expect” gifts for a wedding.

    • I’m from Georgia, and registries were not really a thing of which I was aware until college. My mom, and a lot of people I knew growing up, still didn’t buy off of the registry – they gave gifts they chose themselves, or cash. I think it’s fine not to do it.

    • anon for this :

      I just got married and we didn’t register. We put that fact prominently on our wedding website, with the message that “your presence is gift enough, but if you really feel compelled, please give to a charity, and here are 4 that we like.” I have to say, it was fantastic. We got a _few_ physical gifts — several of which were really creative — and lots of charitable donations. Opening up an envelope to find out that your loved one donated to a charity you like — or even one you hadn’t named but definitely support the mission of — is fantastic! You feel like you got a present AND you know you helped someone else. Of course not everyone gave, but that’s fine. All of our guests loved the idea, and I think it encouraged more people to come to our wedding (which required travel for most) because it lessened the cost.

      • We had both a “stuff” registry and a charity registry – and I totally agree with this sentiment. Becoming major donors – via our friends and family – to a small organization that provides education for girls in the remote parts of the Himalayas was one of the (many) highlights of that year! It was so cool to know that we’d helped a bunch of girls around the world, and that the donations of friends & fam added up to make a sizable difference for that org.

        Like anon for this, I think the charity/ no gift option made things easier for those who had to travel the farthest.

      • I also just got married and did the same thing – said “may your presence be your only presence,” otherwise consider a donation to x, y or a charity of your choice. I’m a big etiquette buff, and I agonized over the whole idea of telling people not to give (big no-no), but the idea of telling people to get us stuff made me even more uncomfortable. A few people gave us traditional gifts, some people gave us their presence, and plenty of people donated to the charities we named or great ones we hadn’t previously known about. On Black Friday, Mr. S and I sat down together at the computer and shopped for some much-needed housewares for ourselves… a bit weird but then again those charities needed donations a lot more than we “needed” another cheeseboard.

    • found a peanut :

      I realize my view is somewhat jaded.

      Not having a registry may accomplish many things, but the one thing it will definitely do is annoy basically everyone you invited who is not your closest family or friend. When I go to a wedding of a not-so-close relative or casual friend the last thing I want to do is think about the gift I’m going to get them. I would like to have a menu of preset options from which to choose and to know that whatever I chose was pre-vetted by the couple so that they will either genuinely like the item or be able to easily return it.

      • Heh, even when it’s someone I am close to, I can’t always guess what they want. Sometimes you want to give a gift instead of cash (for some reason, I feel really weird giving cash to my peers) and I have no desire to troll the BB&B, Crate & Barrel, or department store websites to try to figure out what they need. Also in my experience, marriage seems to change some women from the type that are satisified with the dishes they used in college to someone who really wants a matched set for 12. Which is fine – married life is different from single life – so a registry would help me get them something they really want.

        All this is a way of saying that I LOVE registries, and that closeness to a person does not always indicate the ability to choose a good gift for them.

        • Agree 100%!!! I sometimes struggle to find gifts for my siblings and we’re extremely close! Plus, wedding gifts (ideally) should be made with 2 people in mind and even though I know many of my friends’ spouses/partners well, I don’t necessarily know their tastes/preferences.

      • This times 1000. I know that some people are really good at picking out just the right gift just based on their own knowledge and creativity, and have fun doing it.

        I am not one of those people. Tell me what you want, please! (And I’ll still include a gift receipt just in case you hate it anyway.)

      • Agree. Charity registries are fine too. I don’t care if you want a serving dish or a donation to save the rainforest, just tell me what your heart desires.

    • I think that no registry = they prefer to get money, unless they specifically say something on the invitation or elsewhere, e.g., “no presents, please.”

      I have been to 2 weddings where there was no registry. One was for a close friend, and since I knew she was getting cash from everyone and I knew her well enough to get her something she really wanted, I ended up just getting a gift anyway. It was the only present she got from a wedding of 300. She appreciated it. Most people gave cash. A few gave gift cards to stores like Williams Sonoma, C&B, etc.

      For the 2nd wedding, I just gave cash.

      I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to go about it. Lots of people find registries tacky (including Ms. Manners, who said something along the lines of, ‘whatever name you give it, it’s still begging’). It’s your daughter’s wedding, so it’s her right to proceed as she wishes.

      One option that may be less disagreeable to you if what they really want is just cash is to register with one of those cash collecting websites. Not sure what they’re called, but it basically lets the couple set up categories for things they want (e.g., “honeymoon” or “new bed” or “the broken glasses fund”) and guests can make contributions to whatever category strikes their fancy. Your daughter isn’t obligated to use the money in the way suggested, but peole who dislike the idea of giving a check can feel a touch better about their gift.

    • I’m from the north/mid east, every wedding I’ve been to around here has had a registry, but those gifts are only given at the bridal shower. Everyone gives money at the wedding; there may be a handful of gifts at a wedding of over 100.

      So if she doesn’t want to register, it would probably only affect the shower. If someone has a limited registry and I was late to pick up a gift I’ll do a gift card to housewares store or home depot (if they bought a house that needs renovations.)

      • I’m from the Northeast and registries are for both the shower and the wedding. I would never give cash and it’s not expected at the weddings I’ve been to.

        • Here we run into the Northeast (New England) versus Northeast (NYC, NJ, PA) conundrum. My understanding of these things is that in New England, where I’m from, registries are for both and gifts are more common than cash. But, my understanding of NYC etc. is that cash is much, much more common than gifts.

          Though, if you live in New England and attend italian-american weddings, I believe cash is still king.

          • I’m NYC, NJ, PA Northeast. There is usually no mention of registry in the wedding invitation, but it’s on the shower invitation.

          • Yup. I should have said New England and not the Northeast.

            At my first full-time job many years ago, I did witness a conversation between 2 admins discussing the per head cost of the wedding and their expected gifts based on such numbers. It freaked me out.

            But I’ve never personally attended any weddings where such a thing was expected.

          • Also, for Kelly, the registry is definitely not mentioned in the wedding invite and rarely listed on the shower invite either.

          • Well, I’m in Boston and I’ve given a check for every wedding I’ve ever been to. I’ve given a gift from the registry for the shower and cash for the wedding. I also received mostly checks for wedding gifts and actual gifts for shower gifts.

    • AgencyCounsel :

      I’m from the East Coast and have attended more weddings than I can count. Not having a registry wont be a problem for guests who are close to the couple because for the most part, they will know their likes and dislikes. It is also common on the East Coast to give money, my husband and I received cash and checks from family members when we got married. The problem with not having a registry is for the people who don’t know the bride and groom very well and are at a loss as to what to get for someone who they have no idea what their tastes are like.

      • AgencyCounsel :

        I should have been more specific. My family is mostly all Italian and from Massachusetts.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      I’m getting married next month and didn’t really want to register either. We’ve lived together for a long time, so I didn’t need a blender or a set of kitchen utensils. Plus, I make good money so I don’t need someone to buy me anything, especially since most of our guests make half what we do. However, after talking with family and friends, especially family the generation above me, I realized what some other corporettes are saying: not having a registry is seen as a tacky cash grab. People want to get you a gift – even some of my co-workers (none of whom are invited to the small wedding) asked where I was registered. It’s also a lot easier on your guests if you channel their energy and enthusiasm into a place that is useful for you two.

      So we compromised, and registered for a small number of things in a large range of prices. Hilariously, we seem to have registered for too-boring things (a set of everyday dishes and silverware so we can ditch the chipped/warped Ikea), and have gotten several off-registry items from the same brand as an item we did register for (like candlesticks).

      Yes, the registry goes on your wedding website. We put something at the top along the lines of “Your presence is truly more than enough of a gift for us. We do not expect any gifts, and having lived together for years, have the things we need. However, in an acknowledgement of tradition, we have registered for a few things at the stores below.”

      • I love the way you worded that SF.

        I think the worst faux pas that I’ve ever seen was a shower invitation asking for money for the honeymoon in lieu of a wishing well gift! They were already registered at 2-3 stores, plus, being near the NYC northeast, 90% or more of the wedding attendees were giving cash at the wedding.

    • I’m from the Pacific Northwest and the only weddings I’ve attended where there wasn’t a registry have been Chinese or Vietnamese weddings where it was expected that everyone give cash. But that is a cultural thing. I think that if people don’t have a registry to buy off of, they get confused. As a guest, I need direction. If you don’t want a registry, you need to tell me what I should do. Should I donate to charity instead? Which one? Would the bride and groom prefer a donation to their honeymoon fund? Make it easy for me.

    • When I got married, my fiance and I did not have a registry. (We lived on the East Coast, but my husband is from the West Coast and I am from the Midwest.) We also requested no gifts. I did not want to have any showers (other than a manicure/pedicure party the day before the wedding).

      Interestingly, people had very strong feelings about it. For example, a female co-worker (who was not invited to the wedding) told me that it was ridiculous, and we would end up with lots of things that we did not want. Friends and family were almost rude about it as well. Sometimes, I felt attacked – particularly given the fact that I had requested no gift.

      In reality, it turned out great. Our guests who were making a big sacrifice to attend our wedding did not give a gift. Some gave a token gift like new, nice cutting boards. Others gave cash or gift cards to places we would likely buy furniture. We did get some experiential gifts (i.e. gift certificiates to restaurants). We got one or two cheesy gifts that we did not like or want, but the rest was great.

    • Here’s the comment I boneheadedly put in the wrong place

      For what it’s worth, I have been married twice and did not have a registry either time. The first time, I was just out of college and clueless. My parents and my husband’s parents just bought us items for setting up our first household, and we used them all. We got a couple of things that were not our taste, but other than the deep fat fryer (I am not kidding) we used them all.

      When I married my current husband, we had both been married before and were merging households. We really really didn’t want presents! We had a very small wedding and let people know we were not expecting gifts. We got some anyway, and we love them all. Wine glasses, champagne flutes, photo frames and donations to charity in our names.

      As long as you’re not avoiding the registry as an implicit way to ask for cash instead (which had never occurred to me before reading some of the comments), I think it’s fine. I enjoy buying wedding gifts for people, whether they’re on a registry or not. I like knowing people’s china pattern and enjoy buying pieces for that, but if not, I buy crystal and include a gift receipt.

    • Rose in Bloom :

      I got married in the Southeast and we registered at a Southern department store. I’m in my early twenties and so have been on the wedding circuit lately, and all of the weddings I’ve been to have involved registries. That said, our wedding was very large and we registered for very few items so we received many lovely gifts bought off registry and didn’t have any issues. Maybe this is a regional thing, but no one seemed to interpret our small registry as a request for money as we received 99% presents and 1% checks.

      If your daughter does decide to do it, one thing to consider is what goes on it. My husband and I only put china, glassware, and flatware. We were fortunate to inherit a kitchen’s worth of items from family so didn’t need to register for those type items because we didn’t see the need to “upgrade” when what we had worked just fine. Many of my friends in this same age group who don’t have some of this stuff have seemed to go a little nuts with the Bed Bath & Beyond price wand things. I would expect to see normal kitchenware like a toaster, but all of the registries I’ve seen lately seem to require 1000 sq foot kitchens to stock all of the items the person is requesting (e.g. I’ve seen a cupcake stand, a paper towel holder, every size imaginable storage container, etc.).

      • Agree with everyone who said the registry makes it all much easier for your guests. Give lots of options at a variety of price points and include charities as choices. The fact is the guests want to give you something and they’d like it be something that you’d like. Not all of us are creative or intuitive enough to figure out exactly what that might be, so a registry is a kindness.

  9. help please :

    Thanks for the responses yesterday, I was creeped out because I came home and someone had been in my house. It turns out it was the handy man and he came in to use an electrical outlet. (to charge his phone while he was doing work outside) I’m pretty mad about but going to wait a few hours til I respond to the email. This man does not respect my house, one time I came to my house in the summer and he was doing work (which I knew about) but the front door was wide open. no screen, so please, bugs of the world, come on in to my apartment.

    • Oy. Did he have the landlord’s permission to use your house to charge his phone?! If so, I would have an extremely frank talk with them about how that is unacceptable to you and violates the terms of the lease (presuming those terms permit reasonable access to the landlord.)

      If not, then I’d complain asap.

      • help please :

        I’m not sure if he had permission from the landlord or not, but I’m going to be clear they need my permission. He has been in our apartment 5 or 6 times in 3 months because of how much stuff broke in a short time period, but I was always notified first which was fine (even though it required getting up at 7am on the weekend) What I don’t like is him being in my bedroom without me knowing, my underwear was out and everything and my bathroom products out. I’m just private I guess and I don’t like the feeling of coming home and seeing that stuff has been moved in my house.

    • Ew. That’s so not cool.

    • Wow. That seems unacceptable to me. I would ask that your landlord only come into your apartment unannounced for emergencies (e.g. gas leak, broken pipe, etc) and if he does so, he should leave you a note explaining when and why he came into the apartment.

      • Agreed. I would send a sternly worded letter to the landlord asking that he enter the premises only if he provides at least 24-48 hours notice, or it is a genuine emergency. I believe some states have this as part of their Landlord/Tenant laws, so you may want to check up on yours.

        • Yes, check your state’s landlord and tenant laws (as well as your lease). Usually the landlord must give notice except for a real emergency.

          • help please :

            That’s what I asked for advice on yesterday. It is DC, and it doesnt seem to say. The lease doesn’t mention notice, just reasonable times but only to make inspections and repairs.

          • @help please
            Even if the lease doesn’t require it, you can certainly request that you be given some notice. I’d just go heavy on the “I’m a single woman living alone and I would be so freaked out to find a man in my home when I’m not expecting it” in the conversation, and I bet many landlords would understand.

    • found a peanut :

      That is unacceptable. If you remember, yesterday I commented that you were overreacting. I withdraw that comment. You are reacting the perfect amount. Your handyman cannot treat your home as his convenience station.

    • I wouldn’t be OK with this either. Your apartment isn’t available for his convenience. Good call waiting a little bit to write this email, but I’d definitely be the squeaky wheel here–and I’d probably talk to him in person as well as email. His idea of what is acceptable seems sufficiently off that it’s worth being abundantly clear so that this doesn’t keep happening.

      • help please :

        The problem is his english is very poor. This is the handyman, not the landlord. I have no contact info for the handyman, and have never actually met my landlord. I’m pretty upset, especially because its so hard to communicate with this handyman. The open door thing happened twice, and he tracked in tons of dirt and yesterday like I mentioned I knew he was there because of the leaves in my house. He is coming tomorrow to install an outdoor outlet. But makes me think like, how often has he come in when he is working at the house? Like he prob has just walked right in to use the bathroom and stuff.

        • I’ve been in this situation before as well–with a super who really did not understand English. I also agree that there’s no way to know how often he has done this, and he may just continue and become more careful about not leaving any signs.

          It’s your landlord’s problem. Time to meet him or her to address the problem, as others have suggested, and also state that you need contact info for this person since there’s clearly a need for direct communication. I agree that you should look into your tenant rights, and I also suggest that you hang on to any relevant emails. I’m not a lawyer, as so many other readers are on this site, but I have always gotten what I needed as a tenant simply by talking tough!

    • I would change the locks TODAY. If the landlord needs to come in, he will have to arrange to do so while you are there. That is reasonable accommodation.

      • Uh – not really. It’s the landlord’s property – you can’t change the locks on him without his permission or getting a key. And the problem is with the handyman, not the landlord, from the sounds of it. So, take the key away from the handyman?

      • help please :

        Yeah I think it is illegal to change the locks. And the thing is when something breaks, I do want the handy man to be able to get in, otherwise I would have to take off work, or deal with the problem until the weekend which for some things would be find but what if it was something more pressing. It is a frustrating situation

      • Key issues :

        Depending on the sophistication of the property, there should be some kind of key log. When I worked in leasing, we had to “check out” keys, which left a record in the computer of the date, time, and reason for check-out. This would allow the landlord to have some kind of control over the handyman randomly going into OP’s apartment.
        Alternatively, maybe OP could request a lock-box for her key, and after each entry, she could change the code. She can give the new code to the landlord for emergencies, but it would keep the handyman out of the apartment. This would mean that the handyman would have to call either the landlord or the OP to get the code for the key to access the apartment, again providing some kind of accountability or control system for when and why he’s entering.
        To the OP, this is ridiculous! I would definitely talk to the landlord, as there is probably some kind of liability for not having/enforcing an accountability system regarding tenant’s keys. Most leases are pretty specific about how, why, and when landlords/agents can enter a tenant’s apartment.

        • help please :

          It is a basement apartment of a townhouse- I’ve actually never met the landlord I have a suspicion he might live out of town, I send my checks in town but he always takes about two weeks to cash them. The handyman is the one who gave us the keys on move in, etc.

          • Find a translator. Talk to the handyman directly. Given the cultural issues, it seems entirely possible that he does not understand that what he is doing is totally unacceptable.

  10. Hm, these do no nothing for me. They’re just…pants. Eh.

  11. Westsidebee :

    Question about shipping/returns at Nordstrom.

    I ordered a skirt in two sizes (4 and 6) from Nordstrom, and tried them on last night. I think I am between the 2 and 4 and want to try the 2 before deciding. Question — should I just start a new order for the 2, get everything in front of me, and then decide, or should I exchange the 6 for the 2? If I do the latter, I still have to return either the 2 or 4. I’m trying to avoid serial returns/exchanges. I am leaning toward just a new order for the 2. Wondered if there are any tricks or rules I don’t know.


    • i’d order the size 2, and then have all three in front of me. then pick one of them and return the other two sizes. ordering is easier than returning or exchanging (even at Nordstrom, with its generous policies) so i would minimize the number of exchange/return transactions.

      better yet, get yourself to the store, if you can.

  12. I’m having a major work dilemma and I’m hoping some of you older and wiser types can help me figure out what to do.

    I am currently temping 20 hours a week as a bookkeeper while I finsh up the last of my 150 hours before I take the CPA exam. I will be finished with classes in three weeks. I went through the on-campus recruitment process, which got me as far as second interviews, but I just got my last rejection letter.

    Having no previous experience in my field, and no clue about how much bookkeepers in my area are paid, I accepted the temp job at a very low hourly rate, thinking that it would at least provide some good experience. We are paying the temp agency almost twice what they are paying me, so I approached my boss yesterday to ask if she was interested in hiring me. I also applied for a bunch of full time accounting jobs I found on craigslist, not expecting anything to come of them.

    Twenty minutes after I sent out my resume, one of the craigslist people emailed me back and set up an interview with me for this afternoon. In the mean time, my boss is beginning the process to hire me. How honest should I be with her? Do I tell her that I’m looking for full time jobs elsewhere? Do I let her go through the hiring process, keep my mouth shut, and just stay here til I find something full time? I feel bad not being honest, but I have an inkling that this is one of the NGDGTCO moments where I should do what a man would do, whatever that means.

    • Salit-a-gator :

      You have no duty to tell your boss you’re looking for other opportunities. It fact, it would be crazy for you to do so without even having an offer. Continue the process to get hired full time and continue job searching elsewhere at the same time. If you do get hired on by your current firm, negotiate a raise prior to accepting the offer. If the raise is less than the industry standard, continue to diligently look for another job. Most of all, don’t feel guilty for looking out for yourself and your future career!

    • Former Clerk :

      The CL thing is far from a sure thing, despite the quick interview request. You haven’t interviewed, gotten an offer, figured out if you would take an offer, etc. This job could evaporate right now and you would have told your boss for nothing. You definitely, definitely, definitely do not need to clue your boss in right now. I don’t think there’s anything about not telling at this stage that would remotely qualify as dishonest.

    • Gourmet Chef :

      I wouldn’t tell your boss that you are seeking other positions until you have an offer that you would consider accepting. Then you can talk more concretely to your boss about money, benefits, and job duties because you will be comparing two real opportunities. At this stage it’s all hypothetical.

      Do you know how long it will take your boss to complete the hiring process? If it can happen quickly, this is something I would mention at the craigslist interview because being desired by other companies makes you more desirable all around. It could make their turn around time faster for giving you an offer, and then potentially you could be looking at two opportunities (which is twice as good as one!)

    • Two thoughts –

      1. Its very common for the temp agency to get paid twice what they pay you.
      2. Does your temp agency do temp-to-hire, or is there something in their contract that limits you from going to work for the company they place you with.

      What does the process of “beginning to hire” consist of? Like, they have an opening and want you to fill it, its just a matter of getting the paperwork in order? Or is it talking to the decision makers about making that move, and its a bit more uncertain?

      • CPA to be :

        The agency does temp-to-hire. The only limit is that I work for the temp agency for a certain number of hours before I can be hired by my workplace. And the process just involves paperwork, since I report directly to the VP of finance, who is the person who makes such decisions.

        And I know the CL job isn’t a sure thing– I plan on continuing to job hunt until I can find something full time, and I wasn’t sure if it was dishonest to get hired by my workplace and then hypothetically leave a few weeks later, after they disengage from the temp agency, etc.

        • I had a temp job before I found my full time law job. My temp job was not in the same field (not in law) and they had asked me to go full time about 2 months before I left. The process of going from temp-to-perm took a while and I was officially full time one week before I got a job offer from my law firm. The law firm paid over 3x what the temp job did. It was a no-brainer. I left the temp job and the temp agency and job were both very displeased. I felt really guilty about it, but in the end I did what I had to do to pay the bills (I could barely cover rent with the temp job).

          It seems harsh or “wrong”, I know. But do what you need to do to secure what’s best for your career.

          • CPA to be :

            Thanks for the advice everyone– I had a feeling keeping my mouth shut was the best thing to do, and I’m glad to have that confirmed.

  13. Ladies, I have found things online instead of working. Enjoy.

    Black lace dress: http://www.zara.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product/ca/en/zara-I2011/122017/583002/LACE%2BPENCIL%2BDRESS/

    • Another black lace dress:

      • Messenger bag:

        • Orange/yellow jacket – maybe an affordable sub of that gorgeous one Kat posted about a month ago?


          • Loved the second lace dress. Would not wear a neoprene jacket anywhere but scuba diving.

        • Must. Have. That. Bag.

          In both colors. Now.

          I carry small bags, and they are hard to find. This one is lovely!

      • Love the second lace dress (non turtle neck)- so cute! Although it looks navy to me in the picture (which I prefer). Anyone know how Zara stuff fits? I’ve never purchased, although I held up a couple dresses a few times and they always seemed incredibly short. I’m about 5’6, so not super tall. Thanks for posting!

        • I tried on that lace dress this weekend. I loved the way it fit, but the one I tried on was ripped around the zipper. It made me a little nervous that the fabric would not hold up long term. Also, the one I tried on was more of a dark royal blue, not navy. I assume it is the same color and just looks different online.

          I think it is sized s/m/l, and the medium fit me; I’m usually a 6. I didn’t find it incredibly short, and I am 5’8″.

          • The second lace dress, by the way.

          • I haven’t had much success with Zara quality. Great for one or two time wear (I have found amazing trendy party dresses there at a great price) but not long term pieces. I find the dresses quite short but I am 5’9″

            As always, YMMV!

      • I don’t think either of these is objectively bad, but I’ve had leotards that were basically identical (from the waist up).

  14. Always an NYer, tivo hiccuped and I missed all of GG, but the last 5 minutes. Those last 5 minutes were good, though. I’ll have to wait ’til the end of the week to catch up and then we can chat about it.

    • Always a NYer :

      As bad as your tivo behaved, you can find the entire episode on youtube. This channel “BWQBClips” has all the clips for 5×09 as well as the U.S. and Canadian promos for next week. I know, I’m a total fangirl for knowing this and spend too much time on GG, but we all have a guilty pleasure or two ;)

      Anywho, next week’s episode looks intense and full of (*fingers crossed* for happy) Chair love, yay! I could go on with what I’ve read from spoilers and my own speculation of what will happen for them but I’m pretty sure I’ve embarrassed myself enough.

      Btw, what did you think of the last five minutes?

      • Loved seeing Nate and Chuck on the couch. Their conversation intrigued me so much I need to see the full ep. Also, loved Blair’s distress. Charlie’s dress was pretty and I’m beginning to like her. Dan is annoying as always.

        And I think that’s all I saw.

        Thanks for the youtube info. I’ll be checking it out when I get home from work. I was at my brother’s place to watch it with my sis-in-law on tivo, but it crashed. She said she could get it on apple tv, but not ’til the next day so I figured I could see it this weekend at her place or my parents’, who also tivo it.

    • haha, my DVR hiccupped and I got the whole episode…minus the dialog.

      I should have just MST3k’d it anyway.

      • Ooh….that happened to me with a Castle episode last week. I watched it on demand. Though, at first I thought maybe they were doing something really arty that I just didn’t understand.

    • We ended up watching the last 5 minutes live. And then we watched Hart of Dixie live as well. So I got my eye candy (Wade) fix, at least. The boy is hot! And (fun fact!) the actor is Joyce Maynard’s son.

      • Okay, third time’s the charm on this post. I love that show and especially Wade and I’m glad someone else in the world is watching it too.

        I also tried to post a couple times that you should go read the fashion reviews of Hart of Dixie on another website, but it kept not posting. So I give up, except to say that the girls of that website (that mostly focuses on celebrity fashion and whose name includes a word that might be considered “bad”) agree with me that all the formal short jokes are funny.

        • I also liked Wade’s reference to Lavon Hayes’ use of the third person.

      • I’ve been watching Hart of Dixie based on the recommendation of you lovely Corporettes.

        Unfortunately, I can not stand Rachel Bilson’s acting. She just may ruin this show.

        The writing is wonderful. I love all of the other characters. I couldn’t figure out where I knew George from… until I looked him up, and he’s that evil investigator Blake from The Good Wife. I think he’s way hotter than Wade.

  15. Nook Deals? :

    Not fashion related, but I’m hoping some of you smart shoppers out there can help me. I failed to by my son the Nook he wants for Christmas while it was on sale for the past week or so. Now I’m cringing at the idea of paying $20 more for the same item that was on sale 12 hours ago. I’ve looked for coupons to Best Buy and BN, but haven’t found anything. Anybody have any leads on a deal? (He just wants the lowest-level one – it was $80 yesterday and $100 today.) TIA!

    • Wait until as late as possible. You can find out the last day for standard shipping before Christmas on their websites. I’m almost certain it’ll go on sale again before the holidays. In the meantime, there are several sites where you can set up deal alerts to let you know when it goes on sale.

    • Salit-a-gator :

      I feel your pain. I would cringe as well. Hope you find some good promos or a better sale comes along before Christmas. Have you tried googling the nook model number to see if other sites have a better deal? Also try googleing Barnes and Noble promo code – this usually turns up sites with coupons, like www dot retainmenot dot com. You could also look into getting a refurbished model – it would be a lot cheaper.

    • I don’t know if this deal is still on, but yesterday the b&m store had a deal on gift cards – something like you buy a $100 gift card and get a $10 gift certificate in the mail in January. You could buy the gift card and then use it for the Nook.

  16. I’m in need of some tights advice. I hate control tops. I love, love jcrew tights but they snag so easily and I constantly have to toss them after only a few wears. Do any of you have any non-control top tights you love? Just looking for simple black opaque tights that are soft and durable.

    • I’ve purchased tights at both Ann Taylor and Talbots and found them comfortable and relatively durable (when you don’t let your dog eat them or your husband wash them…but that’s neither here nor there.)

    • I love these.

      I sometimes forget I am wearing them. The touch of cashmere makes them super soft. They are warm but not too warm: I’ve been wearing nonstop all month from Silicon Valley to Chicago.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Hue offers these, including the pair I’m wearing right now. Look carefully at the packaging – lots aren’t control top. I have had experiences similar to yours with J.Crew tights, and won’t buy them anymore.

    • I like Merona tights- they come in lots of colors and the black ones I’ve had seem to last a while without being too expensive.

    • Anonymous :

      Hue. Love them. I don’t wear anything else – – and I actually have Hue tights from last winter that are still going strong!

    • dancinglonghorn :

      The best tights for me are welovecolors.com tights! I have them in Black, Navy, Forest, Magenta, etc and I wear them everywhere. I have only had one pair snag, and the snag was because I was wearing a vest with velcro and somehow the velcro snagged the tights. I think that the trick is to look for “microfiber” tights.

    • The Commando tights Kat posted about last week. No control top, no elastic, just a smooth wide waist band. The most comfortable tights I’ve ever worn!

    • PittsburghAnon :


      There are a huge amount of options but the “Mat Opaque 80” in black are matte, opaque, and soft, without the (IMO too-casual for work) fuzzy look of ‘sweater-tights’ which otherwise seem to be the only things that are truly opaque.

      • Wow thanks for all the replies everyone! I’ll definitely try some of these out.

  17. I’m looking for some beauty product recommendations.

    First, I have dark hair and dark eyes, but hardly any body hair, so my eyebrow hair is dark, but they’re very fine and sparse, so I’m looking for a product to make them look like a more prominent facial feature (would love to have them look like Camilla Belle’s, but that’s not happening), but I don’t want to look garish. I currently use the blond dior pencil, but I want to bring it up a notch.

    Second, I’m looking for a new red lipstick. My skin has very strong yellow undertones, so it can’t be a blue red or an orangy red. I currently use Mary Kay Red, which is a pretty neutral red, but starts to look more pink as it wears, and I’m not in love with the texture.

    • I also have a fairly pale skin with a strong yellow tone, and my go-to red is MAC’s Viva Glam. It looks kind of brick red in the tube, but it’s a fairly true red once its on with a bit of a retro vibe.

    • I have the same issue with my brows. I like the Benefit “brow zings” brow kit. It comes with a wax and a powder you apply sequentially with a brush. I suggest buying a full-sized angled brush rather than using the one that comes in the kit.

      It comes in three colors. You can try it on at Sephora.

      Everyone that I personally know that uses a brow product uses Benefit.

    • Nars Flamenco- universally flattering true red; wears great, get a MILLION compliements every time I wear it.
      Laura Mercier Truly Red- Love; more sheer than the Nars

    • Seattleite :

      I use a (nonshimmery, obvs.) MAC eyeshadow and apply it with an angled brush. (I doubt you’ll need a brow kit with stencil because you’re just filling in the existing outline.) Then I use an old mascara brush to soften the brush lines. IMO, looks much more natural than pencil.

      • I use the MAC eyeshadow and an angled brush as well. I have black eyebrows and was told that using black eyeshadow was a total no no, but brown eyeshadow did not blend at all. So what I do is dip my brush in the shadow, wipe most of it off with a napkin, and then lightly fill in my brows. It makes a huge difference and looks natural, judging by my pictures.

  18. anon suffering from cubicle fever :

    Anyone else want to run away and live in the Anthropologie catalog for a while? We can all just lounge around in beautiful clothes that are entirely unsuitable for our actual lives.

    • anon suffering from cubicle fever :

      PS – in this magical world we are all 6 feet tall with excellent cheekbones. Obviously.

    • I just don’t “get” Anthropologie. Have never been into their clothes, although they look really good on some of my friends (you know who you are). However, I’d be happy to be a super cute prepster in a J. Crew catalog.

      • Only if we can go tromping through the fields in adorable overpriced rubber boots with the sun shining on our heads.

      • the best compliment someone ever gave me was that i looked like i was out of a jcrew catalog. i hadn’t washed my hair in days and was riding a big bike along the beach though, so who knows how sincere it was.

    • Is there room for me? I’d be happy anywhere with natural light and fresh air.

    • Totally want the clothes, but let’s be honest, they were unsuitable even for the last catalog. There are probably much better things to wear if you are going to hang out with mountain donkeys in Bolivia or wherever that was shot than a red chiffon dress.

      I also always find it somewhat comical that they tend to use the actual local people in the background as the expressions on their faces are often along the lines of, “what the F. is that tall, skinny girl wearing!?”

      • AIMS, how dare you suggest that a bright blue peplum halter top with embossed gold penguins would be inappropriate for backpacking through Bolivia.

        I love the idea of Anthropologie, but not the practicality (spoken as a lawyer at a biz casual BigLaw firm). As my husband so lovingly describes my Anthro clothing: “Let’s take a perfectly good sweater….and throw a bunch of useless crap on it.”

    • I think this sums up what you’re looking for:


      • That website is hilarious. I love anthro but it is annoyingly impractical. Also most of their clothes are standard size (no petites) and thus make me look frumpy. I bought a cute dress there once, and later noticed it was from the “loungewear” section. Who knew? I wore it to a wedding. I lounge in yoga pants and tshirts.

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