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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Velocity Oversized Blazer

A woman wearing a navy blazer, black pants, and white top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This blazer has fantastic reviews AND it’s machine washable? Sign me up. The wrinkle-resistant fabric would be perfect for one of those days when you’re going right from a lengthy plane/train/car ride to a meeting. The slightly oversized fit means that it would pair nicely with slim-fitting pants and your favorite work-appropriate T-shirt.

The blazer is $378 at Ministry of Supply and comes in sizes 0–16. It also comes in black.

For a machine-washable blazer that's more affordable, try this style from Madewell — it's available in three size ranges in four colors for $178.

Sales of note for 12.5

285 Comments

  1. Someone tell me what to pack. flying early morning morning (going straight to conference so need to be dressed), back friday afternoon, 5 day conference (specific to my industry, legal). It’s June and I hate being cold in air conditioning. Want to look polished and on trend, professional but I don’t think needs to be full corporate. One night having dinner with colleagues so need something for that too. Ideally would like to go carry on and ok wearing basics more than once but don’t want to look like I’m sleeping in my clothes. Plan to have room in bag for gym sneakers and gym clothes. Anyone do this frequently and want to give me a packing list? Ready and willing to buy some new things (thinking maybe a colored blazer but not sure i would wear that twice in one week) want to like what I have. Thanks!

    1. I don’t have a full list, but this is the perfect occasion to bring a neutral knit topper you can throw on over your outfit to keep warm in A/C or wind and take off outside. Think white, beige, or grey in a linen blend. A great colored blazer is a good look for one or two important days. Consider a color like coral that can pair well with any neutral. After that, I would go with the column of color idea and bring three outfits (dresses or slacks and top) in colors that all go with both toppers but can be worn on their own.

    2. My uniform for business travel is to take one pair of solid color pants (usually black) and patterned tops to pair with those pants. My office is casual, so I just take a cardigan as a topper. I wear the same pants and shoes all week.

      1. Can you describe your 2023 black pants? Suiting pants (of wool)? Straight leg? Full length or cropped? And any stretch in the waist? Not the OP but restarting business travel also in legal and dealing with finance (mood is somber). Debating b/w my BR Logans or JCF slightly cropped pants (I am short, so these hit at my foot) that are a washable synthetic; they look normal in front but have elastic in back (highly recommend as daily work pants when not on travel).

          1. Girl, this is a s i t e dedicated to what to wear for work. If you think this is an inappropriate question, you are most definitely in the wrong place.

        2. Unfortunately the last time I traveled was 2020. :-) But back then I used to wear ponte knit pants in a straight/slim leg and black flats. They were comfortable enough for travel and sitting in meetings all day. I WFH home full time these days and I’ve packed them away in case I ever travel again. Even longer ago, I used to wear boot cut dress pants and ankle boots or pumps with a slight heel.

        3. I have those same JCF pants and love them for work travel. I wear the black ones with a cream top with some texture and a camel blazer, or a black top and a blazer with some color or pattern. Could probably get away with wearing them a third time in the week with a top that has a lot of shape and no blazer (like something from The Fold but not that pricey). In winter I wear them with loafers; not sure what the June work shoe equivalent wouod be

        4. I used to wear the Estée Lauder slim crepe ankle pants to travel. I’m kind of over ankle pants so I found the same pants in a straight leg, full length. They’re my new travel pants / stealth pajamas.

          1. Haha not Estée Lauder. Eileen Fisher. I don’t know what deep recesses of my brain that crawled out of.

    3. I would assume you’d wear your conference attire for dinner so wouldn’t bother with a separate outfit for that?

      1. pick your cutest gym shoes and wear those on the plane – they are the bulkiest thing. Change to your regular flats en route. Bring a reusable grocery bag or similar to stash the shoes in; then you can just hang that bag off your suitcase wherever everyone leaves them prior to hotel check-in time.
      2. look up capsule wardrobe ideas for mixing and matching. I would probably wear black pants on the plane, bring another pair of black (or gray) pants, wear one jacket on the plane, bring a second along with a cardigan or wrap, and then a fresh shell for each day. Those pack down to nothing but variety there will avoid the “I’m wearing the same pants again” obviousness.

      1. I don’t know, that was part of the question. Will people change or be in the same clothes for a dinner? was thinking of bringing white jeans and a pair of sandals and a cute but not bare top for the dinner but maybe it’s easier and less items to just stay in what i wore during the day. i’m flying solo here a bit (new job, i’m the only one in my office going) so just not sure and i have haven’t travelled for work (literally) since 2003 when I wore a a skirt suit and hose and checked a bag.

        1. My last big conference was in summer 2019 and people just stayed in their conference clothes to go out. I remember wearing a black sheath with hose (for warmth in AC) and for dinner, ditched the cardigan and the hose and wore sandals, but kept the dress and accessories the same.

        2. I have been to a few conferences since the pandemic and it really depends on the conference if people change for dinner or not. I would have a back up outfit, just in case.

    4. So, assuming no skirts or dresses because of the air conditioning I would bring 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of shoes, 5 blouses (luckily they pack small), and a versatile blazer or topper (maybe 2 if you have room) and an outfit for your colleague dinner. This should all fit in the carry on with room for workout clothes, PJs, and whatever else you’d need.

    5. I’d go with 2 pairs of non-wrinkle pants (for me, cream and grey), 1 basic shirt or wrap dress (black), and some wrinkle-free tops (soft green, periwinkle, lilac, cream) and coordinating blazers or sweater blazers (probably cream), but all mix and match-able. I would not travel in the work clothes because airplanes and airports are so germy, I always want to wash my clothes immediately after traveling and wouldn’t want to wear them again to a conference. I’d bring soft leggings and t shirts for wearing around the hotel room.
      I wouldn’t bring anything linen because it naturally stretches/sags and is so wrinkly. I’d rather go with a heavy viscose.

    6. I also hate being cold in air conditioning! For this trip, I would bring two pairs of pants in neutral colors (probably navy and charcoal), five tops, three sweaters/blazers (one louder blazer, two more neutral options—probably one beige blazer, one light blue patterned blazer, and one olive green sweater), and one or two pairs of shoes (one loafer, one low heel).

      I’d also save on space by only bringing one set of gym clothes and washing in the sink as needed, since they dry quickly.

      Fwiw my current go-to pants are Theory straight-leg wool pants, hemmed to no break.

    7. I would probably bring two neutral dresses and one colorful dress that can be worn without a blazer (Ann Taylor has a lot right now with short or elbow length sleeves), black pants, 2 tops, 2 toppers (either blazer or linen sweater that go with the pants but could also be tossed over the dress), 2 pairs of nice shoes, at least one of which is flats you could also wear with jeans at night, 1 pair of running shoes, 2 exercise/comfy outfits, and 2 chill jeans outfits. That gives you versatility in case something gets spilled on and can’t be reworn. Key is to make the whole color palette work with the same shoes-so like black, beige, and rose or maroon or purple but not navy, for example

    8. I would wear a blazer and pack a blazer (grey and black or navy), and mix and match off of that. I usually wear dresses with hose because I look funny in pants, unless I can get away with jeans. I would not change for dinner, personally. I usually wear a fleece vest too, since I get very cold and I can often wear it under the blazer.

    9. are you all really overstating the air conditioning problem or do I just run warm?
      Like sure, have a topper of some kind but it is just not my experience that conferences are THAT cold (and I have averaged 3 in person conferences a year for 15 years, pre-covid!).

      A midi dress with bare legs and closed toed shoes, with either a pashmina for the room or a cardigan or blazer is absolutely warm enough in 80% of the US right now…

      also people wearing the same pants (not jeans) multiple days in a row without doing laundry? I’m slightly horrified.How do you not smell.

      1. I think you run warm! I’m always freezing at conferences, and so are most of my women friends. But yes, a pashmina type thing usually covers it. (Over my blazer or sweater jacket)

  2. Suggestions for graduation gift for stepdaughter earning her MBA in June? She got a pearl strand + studs when she was 16 and a nice watch (with an appropriate engraved message on the back) for college graduation. High school graduation was a Roth IRA with $1,000 deposit.

    We were thinking a nice piece of jewelry, perhaps a 16- or 18-inch diamond-by-the-yard necklace. Any suggestions where to buy? We normally would go in person to 47th Street or the downtown LA equivalent but are not going to public indoor spaces these days. I looked at Tiffany, Blue Nile, Brilliant East and James Allen online. Am I missing something obvious? Any and all suggestions welcome.

    TIA.

    1. As someone at a similar point in my life, I’d suggest asking her, if you had $X for her to use for a gift, what would she like to do with it? For example I’m about to take a chunk out of my medium term savings to do a big trip for my 30th, as I’ve not been anywhere for a while, and instead of buying particularly fancy jewellery I’ve instead got a Monica Vinader necklace with my motto engraved on the back

    2. I’m team her father should ask her. “Hey we’d love to get you a piece of jewelry for graduation, we were thinking a diamonds by the yard necklace but open to suggestions from you!”

    3. I think there are several factors (type of job she’ll have after B-school, location, style, budget) here, but as someone in my late 20s graduating from grad school (not B-school) some things I would like:
      – If jewelry, I’d like a solitaire diamond necklace. I like diamond by the yard too, but a solitaire is more my style.
      – I, like Ribena, would LOVE a trip. I’ve been working FT and in school PT so I have had no more or time for anything fun. That being said, if she’s at at top MBA program there has probably been LOTS of travel with her classmates and the program. My friends in B school travel at least 2-3 times a year with classmates.
      – Instead of a trip, maybe a local spa weekend?
      – If she’s moving, is there a piece of furniture or artwork she’d like for the new apartment? My parents gave me an original painting for my high school graduation, which was very cool and special.
      – Likewise, is there a nice gift that might typically be on a wedding registry that she might like? My single friends and I joke about getting each other grad school graduation gifts that are similar to wedding registries: would she like a kitchenaid or fancy espresso machine?
      – Is there anything for a hobby she might enjoy? I would love a new road bike as a graduation gift, for example.

      1. +1 to all of this, while personally a DBTY necklace is totally my personal taste, at that price point ($5K+, given you’re considering a 16″ from Tiffany), I would appreciate my parents asking me for what I would find most valuable!

      2. All of this! I’m not really into fine jewelry, but I love cooking, traveling, nice clothes, and things for the home. I would much rather a nice bag for work, a trip, or something for my new home, assuming she’s moving after graduation.

    4. Another vote for asking her. At that price point ($2-$4k) and at that age I would have really liked a ‘nice’ laptop bag (Cuyana/Lo and Sons/Tumi) plus a good carry on bag if she’s going into a travel heavy industry. The Tumi ones are expensive but wear like iron, otherwise the TravelPros are great – I personally loathe Away but other people love it so ymmv. She may also appreciate a designer bag she can use for work – the LV Neverfull’s get a lot of hate for being ‘basic’ but I still see them all the time. For a similar vibe, the YSL shopper, Christian Louboutin East-West tote, or a Celine Sangle? Keep an eye on Mother’s Day sales, Saks/Neiman’s sometimes will do a discount on bags.

    5. Another vote for asking her, but if she likes the pearl studs maybe diamond studs? Those are a jewelry staple.

      1. +1 to diamond studs of a decent size. I’m also a fan of giving a real gift and not an experience. I think experiences not shared with the gift giver are fleeting. If she’s getting her MBA, she’ll find a way to travel and go to the spa and while those memories are nice, I think of my parents every day when I put on the diamond studs they gave me for my law school graduation and one day I’ll pass them on to my daughter.

        1. +1. And, as a middle aged adult, I still put the earrings on that my grandma gave me for graduation on big days where her granddaughter needs to kick some you know what.

        2. Agree. This is one of the times when I wouldn’t do an experience. You want something lasting. A piece of nice jewelry is going to be far more memorable than a spa experience in 10, 15, or 20 years. And having something nice during those early years for “big days” at work is really helpful.

        3. +1 to giving a physical gift. My parents had a pair of earrings made for me for law school graduation from stones they already had (my mom took a picture of my earring rack, then took that with her to the jeweler so the earrings would be my style), and every time I wear them I think of my parents. On days I need to be a boss B I wear my MM Lafleur Annie dress, those earrings, and the necklace that used to belong to my grandmother, and I feel loved and supported and ready to do great things. :)

        4. Diamond studs would be great, and you can economize somewhat with “illusion” cut diamond studs (i.e., five smaller diamonds combined in the setting to look like much bigger diamonds).

    6. I love pretty things, but at this point in my life, just getting by with the essentials was 100% and more of my bandwidth. Funds toward costs of setting up a place to live in a new city/new job/new post college life would mean a lot more to me than jewelry that only comes out on special occasions.
      I’m not from a background that even knew “diamonds by the yard” are a thing, so her experience may differ.

      1. +1

        I mentioned a trip above because my family doesn’t get to travel often so a trip would be so special. My family is planning one for this summer: my mom is turning 60, my brother is turning 30, and I am graduating from grad school (and I guess my dad has nothing notable, oops). To me, that’s worth more than a necklace (as much as I would love a solitare diamond necklace!!) but if you’re a family that already travels then that’s moot.

        When I graduated college I just needed help getting myself set up so my parents helped me pay for my apartment deposit and bought me a queen mattress and box spring.

        But, if your step daughter has what she needs and / or the ability to buy what she needs, then jewelry is a fun sentimental gift.

    7. I would ask her and definitely not get something that pricey without asking – it’s a very generous gift but not the style of many people at that age and life stage. A budget to pick something out together could be fun. Catbird has a store in Brooklyn – could do a weeekend visit together and shop, or Mejuri and Gorjana are great online jewelry options.
      And agree with others she may prefer with that budget a really nice “basic” like luggage, a purse, kitchen appliance, home office chair, couch, or piece of art. A gift card to Tappan Collective could be a nice art option.

    8. Furniture for her apartment is a great idea.
      When I finished grad school my parents got me an apple watch.
      I think any jewelry she could wear to work, especially for big meetings etc would be a good idea. The diamond necklace definitely works. Recently bought a necklace from David Yurman for something similar.

    9. Love all these ideas and will add one more. My mom got me a Chanel flap bag for law school graduation and it has not only more than doubled in value but I wear it ALL the time and it’s something I would never have bought for myself. So if you are asking what she may want and offering options, maybe offer that one too if you think she’d love it forever like I do.

      1. Hmmm. I don’t know if my parent got me anything for my advanced degree… no, wait, I’m wrong, I got gold earrings engraved with “Dr. C.” But what I was coming on here to say was that I remember more going out with her to a special celebratory dinner — for me experiences clearly outweighed the physical item! But experience *with parent.* And I’ve always felt that wearing the earrings would be obnoxious so I’ve never worn them so diamond studs or necklace might have worked better (I ultimately got myself some studs, though I’m not sure I would have ever worn a necklace either).

    11. Honestly I think a big check for the amount you would spend on the jewelry is better. My dad gave me a multi-thousand-dollar check after grad school graduation, and I used it to buy furniture for my new apartment. It felt nice to be able to use it however I wanted but to allocate it toward something specific which I then thought of as “from” him.

    12. May I add that your thoughtfulness is very nice, and something your stepdaughter will always remember? When I received my MBA degree, my parents didn’t even send a card. So, please include a card telling her you’re proud, and she will really appreciate it!

      1. I am so sorry that no one even sent you a card! Please know that people —even including me, and I don’t even know you! — are proud of you and impressed with your accomplishments.

      2. Agree. My family sucks at gifts, it has always been that way and they have many other ways of showing love, but it was still sad to not get a thoughtful gift for my grad school graduation.

    13. My daughter is a jewelry person but a very specific jewelry person so I wouldn’t dream of buying her anything without some idea that it’s something she would like. But I do think diamond studs are always welcomed… Agree with other posters that a physical, sentimental item is something I would give (if all the other basic needs are met) over an experience or a check.

  3. What are some management books you’ve liked and not found cheesy? I’m reading Radical Candor, seems good so far. But so many of these books just make me roll my eyes with how basic their supposedly amazing “insights” are.

    1. I just read Quit by Annie Duke and I thought it was excellent – especially her discussion of the ‘monkey first’ philosophy at Google.

        1. If you Google “monkeyfirst” you’ll find a summary on Business Insider – essentially it’s about doing the difficult bit of the project first.

    2. More context – I’ve typically been good at managing across/down but not as good at managing up. I’ll be managing a larger team than I’ve run before and was thinking about how many bad bosses I’ve had – and how I don’t want to be one of those.

      1. Have you looked for some specific “managing up” techniques in the Management Centers tools? I recall they have some good ones.

    3. The First 90 Days is good. Although it focuses on what to do in your first 90 days as a manager, I feel like it has a lot of tips that are evergreen for how to build trust, getting people on the same page, etc.

    6. +1 to the First 90 Days recommendation. I re-read that every time I change roles/companies. I also like The Advantage by Patrick Lencioni. It’s an insightful overview of how to build a new team.

  4. I read an article noting that Company A was exploring a sale to Company B instead of a sale to a private equity firm. Can someone explains how each buyer is different? I have no idea what the significance of this is.

    1. Companies often feel that PE firms will gut them, change the culture, and focus on profits only, whereas being bought by another operator in the industry means getting a buyer who understand what you do and might protect your employees/cuture/know-how/legacy better. This isn’t necessarily true but it can be, and in my experience people prefer selling to the operator but PE often offers more money/better terms which obviously influences the seller’s choice.

      1. +1. This has been my experience working for a PE owned company. Outside leadership was brought in, largely from other industries, and told long term employees how they should be doing their job differently. Whether the ideas are good or not is TBD, but there’s definitely a perception that leadership is (1) out of touch/unfamiliar with the industry so not providing good advice; and (2) temporary and won’t be around in a few years. As someone trying to bridge the gap between leadership & rank and file, man, it is not fun.

        1. I get that — the people I know at PE funds have fancy degrees from fancy schools and seem to have never had jobs like working as a cashier or waiter. Like one guy I know was on undercover boss (works for a PE firm that bought a company) and was so honestly shocked at what it was like to work there. So, I vote for “out of touch MBAs running manufacturing companies with no background in engineering, much less tool and die making or where the raw materials come from.”

          1. This was exactly what happened when my old company was bought out by a PE firm. DoD contractor, and they brought in a guy from the private sector who pushed for margins that were not feasible. He wanted 3x historic margins and we lost a lot of bids over it. Instead of consistently making a steady profit, the company made less. In an industry known for worker longevity, a lot of people with a lot of institutional knowledge jumped ship.

            I left in part because of the requirement to return to office every day. They took six months to find my replacement and had to change the job description to permanent remote.

      2. “Companies often feel that PE firms will gut them, change the culture, and focus on profits only”
        This was absolutely my experience, working for a company that was own by a small, pretty laid-back PE firm that was then bought by a big predatory meat-eating PE firm. The purchasing PE firm wanted to change everything that made the organization work the way it had been working (which was good enough to produce record profits and a very successful, well-regarded business, but that wasn’t enough for the PE firm that wanted a 30% ROI). The end result was that the firm gutted the company and severely compromised our ability to do work that fulfilled our mission and reason for existing. After living through that experience, all I can say is – never again. It’s actually a question I ask in screening conversations when I get calls from recruiters. Who owns your company? I Google the answer, and if it’s a PE firm, I just decline to move further in the process. In my industry, we’re supposed to care about people; my experience is that PE firms only care about money, which is antithetical to taking good care of people and making sure needs are met (and laws are followed – I am not going to end up on the front page of the NYT, in a Congressional hearing, or an orange jumpsuit so that some PE firm owner can buy a third beach house).

          1. I have no idea how they came up with that number and could not ever get a reasonable answer despite how many questions I asked. It was used as a justification to cut, cut, cut (or significantly restructure) core service offerings and staff and expand, expand, expand new product offerings (which were mostly poorly conceptualized, poorly executed, and got ditched after either too few people took the bait or those who did were unhappy with the quality of what they got, and complained). They also hired tons of salespeople who seemed to get paid a lot for not doing very much. Then every quarter we’d have this all-hands meeting where the PE firm owners would come in via videoconference and berate us about how we weren’t making enough money. We had 20-year employees quit from the stress or just being fed up, and they were replaced by people who had an MBA and two years of big-firm consulting experience and thought they knew it all. As I said – never again. No amount of money is worth what I went through in that job, and I was only there for three years.

    2. If the seller cares at all about the business maintaining its current purpose and workforce, and retaining competent management, they might be more inclined to sell to another company with a track record and a competent board rather than a PE fund that will likely terminate all of the current management in a short time and replace them with overconfident cronies unfamiliar with the industry who will turn the company into something else entirely in a short time. Sorry, I have zero respect for what PE does most of the time.

      1. Interesting. There is a big PE industry in my city and it seems to attract the cool kids. I don’t know how it works but it seems that lots of people make Bank very young (I guess by firing everyone below them?). Why ever do this? And is this what universities do with their endowments?

        1. People go to private equity to make money because lots of people like money. University endowment funds invest in a variety of different ways, most probably include some private equity but not exclusively.

          1. +1

            Some people choose careers/jobs purely by what makes them the most money, which for some people = status and life goals.

        2. Isn’t it a bit like the consultants of the 80s and 90s who were brought in to improve “efficiency” which they did by liquidating assets and replacing highly paid staff with cheaper staff when possible? Just a way to make a lot of money fast.

          Currently there is a lot of concern about PE buying up healthcare practices. Sometimes the highly paid staff are “experienced nurses,” and the cheaper staff are “nurses with online degrees from questionable schools.” Selling out to PE can make a lot of fast money for the people who own a medical practice, but they’re going to want physicians to see more patients in less time, and they’re big fans of “facility fees.”

          1. The physician comedian Will Flanary (or “Dr. Glaucomflecken”) has been urging doctors not to sell out to PE a lot lately.

          2. As a patient, I appreciate the head’s up. Most of my healthcare is through a nonprofit, so I think it can’t be sold without our state’s AG weighing in. But scary. I could get a questionable online degree while multitasking with my current job and you don’t want me (basically, Dr. Google) treating you.

          4. PE is a scourge in healthcare. There is no mission beyond profit, and patients are customers. And since the No Surprises act was signed, the PE vultures are looking for new strategies to make more money now that their old out of network strategy no longer works. Props to any retiring physicians who refuse to sell their practice to PE.

        3. There’s a wide range of PE funds. I’m an attorney who helps a large public pension invest their money, adn yeah, PE is our best performer but it’s only about 10% of our portfolio, as it locks up your money for a long time, is riskier, and is also sometimes very debt-dependent. Some PE and real estate funds are founded by, for example, actually software engineers who founded their own company, started looking in to buying others and then started sourcing money for deals because they had the acumen to know which other software companies were good deals and how to improve them. That’s the best case scenario. Many PE firms definitely do not meet those standards, though, and attract MBAs who haven’t held a related real job in their life, for sure.

          The Yale model for university endowments is generally more heavily in private investments than pensions. I think yale itself is ~50% in private investments, which is easier for endowments and foundations than pensions to do, as we have to write checks each year and can’t weather too many down years, whereas endowments can lower spending.

          1. Honest question: now that debt is so expensive, is PE even viable? How do you get outsize returns if borrowing is no longer cheap?

          2. I think some strategies become a very hard sell. LBOs, for example.

            But not all PE was ever heavily dependent on debt, and some PE that was is moving to alternate sources at slightly more expense. Plus potential sellers (i.e. the software company in my example above) also lower their prices. But, yeah, overall, it’ll definitely hurt PE, and in particular (I hope) less skilled managers who just juiced their IRRs with cheap debt. Upper quartile managers don’t seem to be having their performance hit yet, in part because if you’re an established manager your recent funds and the deals you’re in were AT the lower debt rate, so I imagine stuff will hit the fan for more managers later this year.

      2. The other issue is where the money is really coming from at the top, and while sometimes it is sources like university endowments, sometimes it is a Russian oligarch or wealthy Chinese businessmen with connections to their government.

    3. Dear Anon @ 9:33 am – I think of the PE purchasers as Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman” before he was transformed by Julia Roberts.

      Before people pile on: I know this is anti-feminist and reductionist, but as a first pass, it works.

    4. This is case by case. PE may often be in a position to offer a better price, but not always. There are market dynamics at play in all these situations.

  5. What do you do for your kid’s FAFSA if you get paid via a K-1? I wish I were filing my taxes now but it likely sometime over the summer (again). They won’t speed that up for me. (FWIW, our school tells all parents to file a FAFSA and to me this just seems to call into question how need blind admissions are. I don’t think we’d qualify for anything until the years we would have 2 in college, if then).

    1. You follow the instructions and use estimated data based on last year and amend it when you get the real info for this year.

      1. Got it. I work where if I have a good year, my comp can still go down based on other people having a bad year (the world I think we will be in for a while). We are conservative, so I only get paid something like 40% of what I made last year (so 25% of that goes to various estimated taxes). Maybe there is a true-up, but some years that didn’t happen. I just want to do my best with the estimating. I guess commission-based jobs are like this where if things are lean (like real estate clsongs now), you aren’t dinged if there is a windfall in the fourth quarter.

    2. I’m confused. Do parents have to file a FAFSA for admission or when they are in school?

      Need blind admissions aren’t need blind and it has little to do with the FAFSA. There are proxies for income that work quite well when applied to hundreds or thousands of kids. Think, admit more students from top public schools and expensive private schools. Sure you will get the occasional middle class kid who lives with his grandparents in Weston or Wellesley, but you’re getting a wealthier set on average.

      1. Both of my kids got merit aid based on FAFSA filing. If we hadn’t filed, they would not have been considered for that particular aid (2 different schools, 2 different majors, 2 different years).

        1. That is whack. If it is truly merit, why the FAFSA? The cynic in me wonders if those FAFSAs just get sent to the annual fund people.

          1. I would assume they want to give merit aid to someone who needs they funds. Probably many, many people would qualify for merit aid. They’re not hunting for a unicorn student.

          2. I may be dense, but isn’t that need-based aid? Maybe dressed up as merit? I get that at a school like Harvard, they are unicorns, so all aid is need b/c everyone has merit (and I know someone who was in the top 5% of applicants at a less-selective school who got tons of merit aid (which TBH was also need-based for her, but she was more lower-middle class vs truly poor and getting free lunch her whole life). Maybe it is a suck-up to students and parents with that label — you are more special than the other kids where presumably not everyone gets merit aid?

            This makes buying a car seem straightforward.

          3. I think some aid is both. Merit-based aid distributed to a pool of people with an established need.

          5. Why, FLA, why? If merit isn’t based on grades / SAT-ACT scores, and it’s based on income, is it really merit aid any more?

            I feel like there are higher-ed people who can confirm whether anyone ever pays sticker, if you don’t use the FAFSA to screen for more of those people, and if you know who the “could pay but looking for a deal parents are” and then have AI run a program like “how much do I need to discount to get these people to attend?” It sounds like not a lot of truth in advertising if merit aid and need-based aid are muddied like that. And a lot of parents are shady — lots of people in my area have a cash-based side hustle where they don’t want to do any government forms b/c they think it ups the odds of an IRS audit and getting in trouble.

          6. There are a million kids with great SAT/ACT scores and all that jazz. It’s not hard to find someone who is deserving based on merit.

      2. I have a close family member who attended a need blind, full need met without loans institution. They graduated in 4 years which included pandemic years, had assistance finding great summer jobs, and parlayed one of those into a post-degree position which seems to be going well. This kid would not have been a likely admit if admission had not been need blind.

        1. You missed my point. That’s okay. College admissions doesn’t work the way you think it does.

          1. I am the poster immediately above and it happens that I work in higher ed administration and understand college admissions and student aid of all sorts very, very well. There are schools that are not need blind but that meet all need, most with the inclusion of loans and a few without loans. There are schools that admit on a need blind basis. And there are a (very) few schools that admit on a need blind basis AND meet all need, most with the inclusion of grants, work study and loans, but a few with no loans.

      3. You don’t have to fill out FAFSA. I knew my kids wouldn’t qualify based on my income. But then we missed out on a “middle class” tuition rebate that we would now have qualified for given our lower incomes (husband retired). So we have FAFSA in place for both of them now.

    3. I have a problem with the FAFSA when there is no easy way around it for a potential student with uncooperative parents. My husband at 18 couldn’t go to college because his (toxic) mother outright refused to provide the information he needed. Without that, he was just not eligible for any kind of reasonable loan.

      1. That is what happened to me . My parents eventually grudgingly filled out the FAFSA, making sure to punish me for the time it took, but refused to fill out a second form that was required by my school in order to be considered for merit aid. Therefore I did not get any scholarship money when I think I would have been competitive for it.

        1. Merit aid doesn’t normally require parents’ financial info – or at least it didn’t when I was applying to college.

          2. Definitely not all merit aid. I got lots of merit aid, including full rides from several schools, and I never filled out the FAFSA.

        2. Same boat. Parent eventually relented and filed the forms, but refused to contribute the “family contribution” or co-sign my private loans, so I graduated with 30k at 12% interest in addition to my 35k in federal subsidized loans. I took the max credit load and worked 30+ hours a week and graduated in 3 years, and it really sucked. I get a little sad when people talk about how much fun college was because I really missed out on that completely.

          1. NYU tried to tack on an “overload fee” when I added more than 15 hours a semester so I could not have to do an additional semester. I hate them.

      2. That s*cks. I have a nephew in this boat. Dad is a big spender who just declared bankruptcy and is not wanting that to be known. Kid is SOL I guess.

        1. Uh, bankruptcy is very much public information. Like pops up first page on Google for most people. Is he a donor to that school and reluctant to offer the info? Otherwise, there isn’t much point to trying to hide it.

  6. I’ve realized that I have a problem trusting myself, which leads to anxiety, imposter syndrome, procrastinating, and just generally feeling unhappy. I’m not even fully sure WHY I can’t trust myself, as I’m a fully functioning adult who handles plenty of responsibility. Other than therapy (which I agree that I need), any thoughts on how to build self trust and more confidence? Faking it ’til I make it is just making me feel fake.

    1. Consider journaling that requires you to inventory moments of competence during each day. It can be in any arena of life, but what did you do well/navigate through that day. Then take some time each week or two to reflect back on your entries

    2. Start a new sport that requires skill, a little bit of risk-taking, and focus. It will help more than you know. Something like surfing, skiing, or biking would be good, but you could also try something more common like a pickleball or other things that are easily available locally in most places. Seeing yourself improve each week does wonders for self-esteem.

      1. If sports aren’t your thing, weight training can also do this. Clear demonstrable gains over time. Finding a good personal trainer to work with might be a really good action step.

        For me, regular attendance at yoga and pilates and ballet classes helped me develop this self-confidence in my late twenties. I was SUPER nervous to start and I didn’t have anyone to go with, but I did it anyway and kept going back to the same classes. Over time you just get more comfortable in what used to be a new situations and now I have a lot of confidence in new situations of all varieties. There’s a thread through these experiences.

    3. I have this same problem. I’m not sure if the root causes are the same, but for me it came down to telling myself I would do something and then not following through. For example, not getting out of bed when I told myself I would, not working out when I said I would, drinking more than I said I would. Once I realized that was the core issue, I’ve started trying to build back that trust by following through. Part of that for me has been giving myself fewer or easier tasks on my weekly to-do lists, so that I am actually ABLE to follow through without exhausting myself. I’m also a fully functioning adult, FWIW – but my life revolved around not disappointing other people, when I was perfectly content to disappoint myself. It’s still not perfect, but much better than where I was a year ago.

    4. I have struggled with the same for many years since childhood, and recommend the book “A Liberated Mind” by Steven Hayes – founder of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Theory) It picks up a lot of where CBT leaves us hanging and is particularly good at explaining the why of things as well as “so what now?” and actionable items. It was my therapist’s recommendation.

    5. At work, I keep an Attagirl file, where I put things that remind of my successes. It is helpful in self reviews, but also can be a reminder of all the successes during the year.

  7. Has anyone noticed menstrual cycle changes in the two months after starting a prenatal vitamin? Nothing else changed in my routine, but my cycle length went up by about three days. Is this a thing? Since I am preparing to TTC and am older, I do want to be able to pinpoint what my cycle is doing…

    1. I’m not really familiar with it being a thing. The only thing that I know of that could maybe (big maybe) apply is if you have hypermobility. There was recent research published indicating that hypermobile EDS is linked to folate deficiency. It is apparently common for hypermobile people to have MTHFR variants, which limits your ability to process folate. Folate deficiency is associated with many symptoms including ones associated with the menstrual cycle like fibroids and endometriosis. Taking extra folate in a vitamin could affect that.

      1. Wouldn’t it depend if the B9 was in the form of folic acid or methylfolate?

        I had to switch from folic acid to methylfolate for PMDD, and it seemed to help me with other symptoms as well. I have hypermobility syndrome (some of my doctors have brought up hEDS but never officially diagnosed me).

        There’s usually a good dose of iron in prenatals, so I would have suspected that first (like if someone were borderline anemic before). There’s practically no research on menstruation though as that recent New Yorker article discussed.

        1. It may. I started taking methylfolate now that I know I have issues. I am no expert but I wonder if depends on the variant you have since there are multiple genes associated with MTHFR. I have a 40% reduced ability to process folate, some people have more like an 80%. I am still waiting to have a longer conversation with my doctor, I only got my test results last week.

          Here’s an article that links to the study – very interesting reading: https://news.tulane.edu/pr/could-vitamin-deficiency-cause-%E2%80%98double-jointedness%E2%80%99-and-troubling-connective-tissue-disorder

    2. I have not noticed this specifically, but I track my cycle in detail so I’ve see a lot of changes come and go. For TTC, an important measurement will be the time from ovulation until your period starts. You want it to be at least 10 days, 12-16 is better. (Anything less than that could indicate low progesterone and might not be long enough to support implantation.) You can figure this out by using cheap OPK strips from Amazon.

      That part of your cycle is called the luteal phase and tends to be pretty consistent from cycle to cycle. The pre-ovulation phase can fluctuate due to all sorts of things – illness, stress, travel, diet, etc. Usually a change there is nothing to worry about.

    3. Apparently this is a relatively common phenomenon. From my own research there’s no medical reason prenatals should have this effect, so it’s probably the impact of the stress of TTC and focusing on cycle length (and coming of BC if relevant) than can have this effect in some women.

      1. OP here and I thought of that, but we haven’t actually started TTC yet. My doctor recommended starting the vitamin about three months in advance so that’s what I did, but I’m not actually to the point of tracking anything in detail. I just noticed this one change when previously I have been so regular. My friend noticed, or at least thinks, that stressing about TTC for herself changed her cycle length, though.

        2. Makes sense. Stress (of many kinds…) is one of the most common causes of changes in menstrual cycles.

  8. Since jeans have been a hot topic lately, I wanted to recommend Old Navy’s OG High Waist Straight Ankle Jeans. These are the first straight leg jeans that haven’t made me look and feel like a frumpy mess. The fabric is heavy enough to hang well, but it also has enough stretch to not feel constricting. I’m a size 14 pear, on the cusp between straight and tall sizes, and the regular length worked great. I chose the regular fit instead of the curvy. (I’m too straight through the torso for most curvy fits, even though they work for the hip and thigh area.) For 50 bucks, I’m happy!

    1. My recommendation is the Old Navy High-Waisted Wow Slim Straight jeans. Make sure they are the ones with “Wow” in the name, not the regular high-waisted straight! They are so comfortable. I’m a cusp-sized apple and I find them really flattering and the leg isn’t too bulky or too skinny.

    2. How does it wear throughout the day? I bought jeans from them years ago and were always sagging in the butt by lunch

    4. I’m a pear on a straight leg jean hunt and having trouble, so thanks for the rec!

  9. Can anyone recommend an east coast moving company? Last time I moved, I used Stewart Moving & Storage and they literally damaged ALL of my furniture. Moving from DC to NC.

    2. I did the same move 2 years ago and used Great Nation Moving in Rockville. Having done this a couple of times I generally recommend using a local company with long distance services, and make sure to check their BBB rating.

    3. Best luck with the move! My family has relocated many times, and we’re stuck with whatever company my husband’s employer gives us. Quality depends so much on the particular crew.
      The one thing you can do to help ensure your household goods are protected is to watch the movers like a hawk, during both the packing process and the tuck-loading process. If you don’t like how they’re handling something, or if you think a piece of furniture needs to be better protected, say something. And, make sure you take photos of every side of every piece of furniture (yes this may mean 100s of photos) so you can document what has been broken, scratched, etc.

  10. has anyone here switched from using tretinoin to an over the counter retinol products and been happy? I’m three years into using tret and still get “the uglies”. my skin is pretty good so I just want to maintain.

    1. I switched to retinaldehyde after my doctors gave up on my skin tolerating retinols well. It’s annoying because it’s more expensive, but it’s definitely been easier on my skin.

      1. Sorry to be pedantic but do you mean your skin didn’t tolerate tretinoin so you use retinaldehyde instead? Retinol is the lowest level OTC retinoid, so I doubt you could tolerate retinaldehyde if you couldn’t tolerate retinol.

        There’s a lot of confusion and interchanging of these terms so I hope you will clarify.

    2. Is this for acne or anti-aging?
      If it’s for acne, have you tried adapalene? It didn’t do much for me but my derm said it’s usually effective while still being pretty gentle. It’s the main ingredient in Differin; I think there are prescription options too.

      1. Adapalene is an excellent solution for those who can’t tolerate tretinoin, and it’s more effective than OTC retinol or retinal.

  11. Have any of you had any luck with contraceptive implants (like Nexplanon)? I don’t want to have children and I’m scared of surgery, so I’m considering implants. I’m currently on the mini pill and I have some bleeding, but nothing too heavy.

      2. For a counter example, Mirena has made my cycle much shorter at only 25 days or so – although also much lighter, so the main impact is that there are more days I can’t go swimming each month (because it’s too light for a tampon) but overall it’s less burdensome and certainly less painful, especially now I’m taking magnesium supplements too. (Had mine in about a year now)

      3. OP here. Yup, I tried but I felt too much pain and had it taken out, sadly :(

    2. I had Nexplanon for 3 years. I had one light period right after insertion and nothing after that. All hormonal birth control completely cuts off my drive (so, it worked a little too well for birth control), so I had it removed after 3 years. It was completely painless for insertion and removal other than the pinching for the numbing injection. I tried an IUD before the implant and the insertion was too painful (I had not had children before that and my doctor did not prescribe any meds) to complete. But everyone’s body is different for an IUD.

      1. A friend of mine LOVED her Nexplanon.

        IUDs are great for women that have had children. I haven’t, and I get a bit miffed when doctors and others dismiss as “a little discomfort” the very real pain experienced by a not insignificant number of women. Insertion didn’t work for me on the first day because my body wasn’t having it, and I was ready to scrap it, but the egomaniac doctor was like, No, no, let’s send you home with some meds to soften your cervix and try again because it’s such a great form of birth control. “Soften your cervix” is code for “inducing labor” (really – same meds) and I was vomiting from the pain that the doc apparently thought a Tylenol would take care of. Insertion STILL didn’t work the next day after three different doctors messed around down there trying to shove it in. Eff alllll that.

        1. This is definitely a YMMV point: I found the insertion pretty painful but it was over very quickly: I spent the rest of that day on the sofa taking both paracetamol and ibuprofen, and was gentle with myself for the next couple of days, but I’ve had more painful periods

        2. I’m sorry to hear that. But wanted to clarify that the cervival ripened that is used for IUD insertion and in labor induction doesn’t induce labor – it literally just softens the cervix. It’s step one of many in labor induction. Don’t want people to think IUD insertion involves labor contractions or something like that.
          I know a lot of people with IUDs before and after having kids and level of pain have varied wildly.

        3. I had two IUDs before having kids and had horrible insertion experiences with both. The fact that it’s great for many women does seem to lead to downplaying the fact that for some women it is a really awful experience.

        4. Also want to chime in in case anyone is considering an IUD – I haven’t had children, and my IUD insertion was pretty easy. A few moments of discomfort, a few hours of moderate cramping, and then 7 years with no periods and never having to worry about birth control.

    3. I adore my Mirena. I think I’ve had two days of spotted bleeding in four years. Literally better than sliced bread after a long history of menstrual issues.

    4. Another plug for the Mirena iud. I do not have periods on it. Even if it didn’t prevent pregnancy it would be worth having.

      1. If you are getting Mirena in hopes of not having periods, I would suggest going a few cycles with a progesterone-only pill (minipill) first to see whether you have breakthrough bleeding on that hormone regime. I had continuous spotting on Mirena (heavy enough to need a pantiliner daily) for 6 months straight and finally got it removed.

    5. Not sure if you’re including IUDs among your options but i’ve had a Paraguard for 9 years and i’m happy with it; about to get it replaced. Insertion was painful but pain subsided within a couple hours, and i had extra painful cramps during my period for the first few months and after that it was fine. Good luck!

    6. I tried one but had a lot of spotting that didn’t go away, so I had it removed. Insertion and removal were less painful than IUD insertion though.

    7. I’ve had two and am still on the second one. Very easy insertion and removal. I do get a light period each month with very minimal cramping but average flow.

    8. OP here. I had a Paragard for a while, but I felt too much pain and had it taken off. I don’t want to try the Mirena because I’m too scared of the pain, so I think I’ll go for the Nexplanon. Thank you all for your input!

    9. I’m on my second Nexplanon. I have no complaints! Periods are light or nonexistent. My understanding is that there is less predictability if you’ll be someone like me, or someone with a lot of weird spotting. But I was hesitant about an IUD, and wanted something I couldn’t mess up, and it has been right for me. Numbing shot hurts for a sec, and when healing there can be a fair amount of bruising for a few weeks, but other than that, has been great.

  12. European travel help needed. Over the weekend I booked a London-Paris-Barcelona vacation for mid-June. I wanted to use a travel agent, but the one I contacted already was too busy for that timeframe and so was an associate she contacted. Costco Travel to the rescue! We have flights, transfers and hotels through them, but are on our own for everything else. I was able to score Eiffel Tower tickets on my own (no tour company mark-ups for me!).

    Now I need help for restaurant recs, walking tours, smaller museums, etc. Especially for Paris and Barcelona. I’m ready to start booking today!

    1. I always just get the Rick Steve’s guides and do the outline he recommends. Viator and get your guide are good if you want structured tours or activities. I love a cooking class if available! Have fun!

    2. Walking tours – I like Rick Steves for rough itineraries and also making the most of an efficient museum visit. (There are people who can spend days in museums – I like to spend like 2 hours at a time before going back outside.)

      London – check the comments from last week, people were writing tons of restaurant recs!
      Paris – we like going to the Michelin places for luxe indulgent lunches at a lower price point than dinners, and also like just popping into a cafe near our lodging. Our last visit we ate at the same cafe 3x for dinner because it was around the corner, everything was delicious, and the people watching was even better :)

    3. Time Out has good museum lists for London and Paris. And info on small concerts, etc.

    4. In Paris we loved the Paris By Mouth cheese tasting experience. We also took a walking tour with them and enjoyed it a lot! Marche des Enfants Rouges is a great food market with a lot of wonderful places to eat — good place for lunch. Foundation Louis Vuitton is a wonderful new museum with modern art. Le Bar Bac in San Michel is a fun place for dinner. Cafe de Flore in San Germain is unsurpassed for people watching and it’s also right across the street from a nice little Louis Vuitton store.

    5. Foodie walking tours – No Diet Club! Pretty sure they operate in all three cities. I went on their tour in Nice and it was AMAZING

    6. I think there is a walking tour of the Paris Catacombs? No personal experience unfortunately but hope you have a lovely time!

  13. Has anyone worked for a close friend and if so, what can I do to make that successful?

    A friend of mine at work has been asked to set up a new team and has asked me to transfer to her team. It would be a really small team (three people, including the two of us, to start). I initially deferred, thinking it would be awkward but she really wants me to apply for the transfer. The new position is also 100% in the line of work I want to be in and is a better match for my background than my current role. It also offers more flexibility and room to both innovate new projects and also “own” those projects. If the transfer is approved, it would also be a step up and a nice raise.

    This friend is more than just a “work friend”; we hang out outside of work, have gone on weekend trips together, I was invited to (but couldn’t attend) her daughter’s baptism.

    I’m usually a hard worker and very excited about the work this team will be doing, but have recently been feeling burnt out and therefore am not currently working at my normal level, which does worry me a bit (I think some of this is because I don’t enjoy my current role or team and some of it is just the last few years burning me out).

    While I’ve never worked for this friend, other friends have and she’s an excellent manager and supervisor. She also has managed a friend before and they are still friends (the report left our company, but she was also invited to the baptism). I’ve been friends with managers before too, and once again have not had problems.

    I’m just nervous because I think she thinks I”m a better employee than I am right now (though, we’ve both been very open with each other with our burnout, job frustrations, and frustrations with our company and larger management).

    1. I think this is a huge conflict of interest for both of you. If you’re close enough to travel together and be at children’s baptisms, you should avoid this situation entirely. It is unlikely that she will be able to manage you objectively, you may share more with her than you should with a supervisor, and even if you try to avoid favoritism or being buddy-buddy, I can see it having a negative effect on the team dynamics.

      1. +1

        I am similarly worried for you.

        On one hand it seems like a great opportunity. But sadly, it often doesn’t work out that way.

      2. I very much understand that concern, but I’d also say it’s oddly common in our niche, tight-knit industry. It’s admittedly a weird situation, but I work in a city of almost 1 million people and I know literally everyone who works in my industry (there are 2 major employers and several smaller ones; I have worked at 3 of these employers). Every industry training / conference / gathering feels like a family reunion.

        As I mentioned, her former direct report was also at the baptism and I have traveled with my former boss while she was my boss (and later, when she was no longer my boss attended her bachelorette party).

      3. In my niche field this is very much not a conflict of interest

        OP, I was almost in this spot but I ended up taking a different role for other reasons.
        But my frriend and I talked very frankly about what our relationship would be like. I would caution you to prepare for the friendship going by the wayside in favor of the supervisory relationship if it comes to that – I think there’s a way to keep both but my eyes would be open going in that this would be a possible outcome, and that would then drive my cost benefit analysis

    2. So, I’m in a similar situation except that I’m the supervisor. I supervise my husband’s best friend from high school (and he and my spouse are each godparent to one of the other families’ kids); as well as a dear friend whose spouse is also one of my husband’s closest friends AND our sons are best friends; AS WELL AS two other women who are close to me/my family in other ways.

      This is mostly good because they’re all strong performers and we had frank conversations going into this working relationship. And no, I didn’t go out and hire a bunch of friends; I live/work in a v. small town and some of these folks were already on the team when I got hired, I hired one, and one was an internal move. Where it starts to go awry is if you have to have a difficult conversation about performance. Also, one thing I do is have my boss decide raises with my input, so I’m not directly responsible for their income (I share performance reviews and general observations about the year). This has worked for me/us for the most part but again, it’s tough…a lot will also depend on your company culture and how accountable/honest folks are/can be.

      1. That’s helpful, thank you! Luckily at our company raises are not at all related to performance and are lock step across the board as they’re really just COLAs.

        My sister actually works for her friend on a very small team as well (totally different industry and city!) and says it’s been absolutely fine which I’m sure is helped by the fact that my sister is such a high performer. Which is what I have traditionally been, and I will be again; I’ve just had a lot on my plate for the last year and haven’t been living up to my potential (though I got a good performance review). I do think a new team / project / manager would help a lot though.

        I mentioned my niche industry above, which is likely similar to being at your company in a small town. I will have to interview for this tr@nsfer, as it’s also being posted externally, but pretty much everyone who would / could apply is already a known entity to my friend (many of whom she is also friends with).

    3. I think you need to think about the rest of the company. One of the reasons I was so happy to leave last job is that there were a lot of relationships like this that I wasn’t aware of before joining. It makes it uncomfortable to complain about an employee or supervisor or, heck, even bring up something they wouldn’t support if you know there is a relationship there of friend or family. On the surface, it looked like we were all great together. But the reality is that I’ve never worked somewhere so dysfunctional with everyone tripping over themselves not to offend so and so’s niece or basketball buddy. Sometimes you’ll also be thought of as a group whether you like it or not. We had a SVP who was a jerk and finally ousted. It made it really uncomfortable for jerk’s friend and former colleague whom jerk brought into the company in the months that followed (so much so that she soon left). It also makes it extremely difficult when one person knows info the other doesn’t like coming cuts. I would try to find another situation. If you do decide to work together, I’d plan to go in knowing that the friendship needs to lighten or possibly end and there will definitely be times where you will likely need to put work ahead of friendship.

    4. As a supervisor, I hired someone who was a good enough friend to come to my wedding. The working relationship has been great. The friendship part of the relationship didn’t really continue to develop in the same way, which I expected, and it was a price we were both willing to pay in order to work together. So be aware that the friendship might suffer. It’s hard to maintain a personal friendship with someone you’re supervising, deciding their salary/bonus, etc.

  14. i know last week there was a discussion about health as you age, and i stumbled upon an article about the Sun City Poms over the weekend and encourage everyone to look them up

    1. Kendrick Brinson on instagram has done a multi-year photo series about them! (maybe the pics in the article you read were hers?) The photos, and the poms, are amazing.

  15. Hi — In the spirit of updates, because I love hearing how things turn out with your stories & questions: You might remember me from a month or two ago when I wrote about how my estranged sister had terminal cancer and was looking for advice on obligations to her and her 14 year old daughter. Well…It was all lie. She had a non-cancerous cyst removed. What the what?!? Why would she say these things? She cried and was (sort of?) apologetic… and then changed the subject and was trying to act like nothing happened. This only reinforces that she is a pathological liar and staying estranged from her is the right move for me & my mental health. I am now resuming not thinking of her!

      1. I love your optimism, but no. She was telling everyone that she had mere months to live…

        2. I still don’t fully comprehend this. Was she freaking out? Thinking she only had months to live? Or really just lying? I can’t imagine someone lying about this, but wow!

          1. One of my husband’s aunts did something similar. I think it’s a fairly common attention-seeking thing.

          2. I totally know people who could be presented with an unknown medical thing like a cyst where there’s a low chance that is cancer, assume the worst, tell everyone they’re for sure dying of cancer way way before there’s any kind of medical diagnosis.

            Like I do get that the thoughts race through one’s head when a weird medical thing pops up; like I have had abnormal paps and remember the thoughts initially racing through my head. However, as a responsible person, I recognize that those thoughts are irrational and I certainly don’t share them.

            It’s a drama llama type of personality who assumes the worst and then tells it like it’s fact, and while they may not believe they are lying, it’s still pretty manipulative and I completely understand why OP is resuming estrangement.

          3. adding – I recognize a cyst is more serious than an abnormal pap. I’m just using it as an example of things that can potentially mean cancer but usually don’t.

          4. She was absolutely doing this as attention seeking behavior — I understand the idea of anxiety & catastrophizing, but this fits her past pattern of lying (and believing her lies, deeply) to get sympathy and/or money from people. And then to just change the subject — and pretend like it never happened — is also part of her pattern. If you ask her about this in six months, she will deny the whole thing. Like I said, family is hard.

    2. What a sh!tty thing for your sister to do! I can’t remember – do you have any contact with your niece? She might benefit from having a relationship with you – tho if that would mean too much contact with your sister, disregard.

    3. That’s terrible! There was a dude in my city that his child was dying of cancer and it turns out the kid was never even sick!

      Proud of you for walking away from a damaging relationship.

    5. I posted about this once or twice before and fudged the details for anonymity and now I can’t quite recall how exactly I described it, but long story short, I posted about my father’s sudden, severe mental illness that ultimately turned into a full-on psychotic episode. It was a very scary time for many reasons, but the update today is that he is home and doing okay. I wasn’t sure he was going to survive before. We are all still processing, but so glad he is home and beginning to get connected to care.

      Two things that came out of this, though – 1) the mental health system is SO broken in this country; 2) my relationship with my brother is over. He has always been a deeply pathological, selfish person and he showed that off to its fullest extent during the crisis with our father. He not only completely disappeared and offered no help at all while the rest of us scrambled to get emergency care, but he has not said one word to my father in months, not even a quick email or text to see if he’s okay. Apparently he “can’t handle it,” and it’s the last straw in my relationship with him. Trust me when I say that abandoning his family in a moment of need is fully in character.

      1. I do remember you, and I’ve thought of you. I’m glad your father is okay but I’m really sorry about your brother. What a dick.

      2. Ugh, I’m so sorry about the situation with your brother. My husband’s sister did something similar when their father was declining and it just made a difficult situation even harder. The only saving grace is that she has been extremely cooperative and relatively helpful since my FIL died, possibly out of guilt.

      3. I remember your post too. I am so relieved for you. Well done, for stepping up.

        Family can be so disappointing. Part of me wonders if your brother may someday reveal some mental health issues of his own….

        Good luck to you, and your Dad.

    6. Holy cow. I remember being shocked when someone on the thread mentioned it might not be real. And thinking how sad to feel that skeptical. Beyond messed up she would do that! ’m glad you’ve closed her off from your life. That’s like dangerous level of person.

    7. My first thought was don’t let my sister read this because she would file it away in her “to do” box for the next time she feels like she’s no longer the center of attention.

  16. Help me style myself for a jury trial! Suits are simple black, gray, and navy. All my jewelry is showy costume jewelry, and I want to look classic. I represent a government agency.

    I will take any advice, but I won’t wear heels.

    1. I would get basic / classic costume jewelry (nice looking fake-pearl studs, for example).

      1. +1, mix it up with small gold and silver studs. Check out CaitlynMinimalist on Etsy.

        1. +1! Her sterling is solid quality. I have two of her huggie hoop styles that I wear a lot, and they are sturdy and look nice. The gold-plate is okay–pretty bright gold color but wearable. Prices are low!

    2. Go to Target/Walmart/Old Navy and get some fashion jewelry in silver/gold/pearl tones in a classic style. I’m thinking studs, or very small hoops (nothing dangly, or that screams party). They should also have simple necklaces with single pendants if that’s your thing. Consider getting an inexpensive watch matching the jewelry, as well – I always think watches look classic and professional, and imagine they would be practical for trials to keep time when you shouldn’t look at your phone (but I am not a lawyer).

    3. What’s your blouse/shirt situation? I would get a few simple tops (opaque, I really like Supima Cotton from LL Bean, in white/creme/pastel or jewel tones) that match your suits.
      Also, wear a belt!

    4. I would do simple gold and silver studs or hoops and a coordinating classic necklace – delicate if you are petite, chunkier if you are not. I think you could wear the same throughout the trial. I did, as I was away from home for my two-week trial. I am not a fan of white pearls unless you really are after the blonde, fair-skinned, country club and pink twin set look, but I know they are classic and people of all ages and backgrounds still wear them.

    5. A plain strand of white pearls, 18”, plus gold or faux-diamond stud earrings would be fine.

  17. Help me get dressed for work. I am an in-house lawyer that works remotely. I have two trips planned to headquarters in Seattle in May. I work for a tech company, so the day to day is very casual on video (I regularly see executives in hoodies/fleece). What do I wear in person? In my old job, I would have worn a dress, but I think that is going to look off due to how casual people are. Help!

    1. do you have any ons-te friends that you could just ask? this is going to be super company-specific I think…

    2. maybe non-jean slacks with a blazer/sweater you can remove? I’d likely overpack so you have multiple options if you get there and find that you need to turn the formality up or down.

    3. I feel like black or navy pants and a short sleeve bizcas top with an optional coordinated blazer is a no-fail look. Even if everyone else is in jeans, it’s not like black pants are THAT dressy. Typically better to be too dressy than not dressy enough.

  18. Have you ever had a job interview go so badly that you realize coming out of it that not only do you know that your interviewers must think that you’re a bad fit for the position but they must wonder why anyone would ever employ you?

    I just totally bombed my third round panel interview. The second round panel went great, but I just went down in flames trying to answer the behavioral questions that I was getting on the third round. I didn’t even bother writing thank you note emails because I couldn’t imagine that I could write anything that could possibly improve their opinions of me. The real bad thing is that the company where I was interviewing for an in-house counsel job is a client, so I could conceivably run into these three people in the future as their outside counsel and it will be humiliating… The more I think about the responses I gave vs what I should have said, the worse I realize my responses were. Job searches are the absolute worst!!

    1. I would write them! Use them as an opportunity. “I had a chance to think further about question X and realized my original answer was going the wrong direction…” but in any event, no one will dwell on this interview anywhere near as long as you will!

      1. No this is terrible advice! Don’t draw attention to things you thought were fails they may not even have noticed!

    2. Don’t count yourself out before they do. My company used behavioral interview questions for years and everyone tanked them. (We stopped because they’re ineffective IRL.) write the notes, express enthusiasm for the role and wait and see.

      1. Oh that interesting! Did you find that people didn’t have good examples, or weren’t good at self-evaluating, or something else?

      2. +1. “Don’t count yourself out” has been a hugely impactful mindset shift.

      3. +1,000 it is completely possible that you are looking at this through sh!t-colored glasses. Do not count yourself out until you are out.

      4. I thought I bombed an interview bc the GC had to give me “friendly” advice about how my answer to one of her questions was bad, but I got the job and have had nothing but a great experience and reviews (and got a retention bonus 6 months in). So agreed!

    3. You may be assessing this objectively, but you may not be. Remember that your feelings aren’t fact. I went back to the hotel and sobbed after my Amazon interview. I was mentally exhausted and sure I’d flubbed it. For better or worse, I’m still there 8 years later.

    4. You should still write the emails. You can just say thank you for your time or you can do what others are suggesting and change/elaborate on one of your previous answers. But don’t just disappear; that can leave a worse impression of you than whatever you did in the interview.

      FWIW: every time I feel like I’ve bombed an interview I’ve gotten an offer. I’ve had a much worse track record with interviews that I felt went really well. Some companies intentionally make the last interview really tough so they see how you perform under pressure. Think: vague, or intentionally poorly-worded questions that are designed to make you think hard about how to answer, and give you a chance to perform well under pressure. Sometimes people aren’t looking for a factual answer to a behavioral question; they want to see how you react to being asked the question. Is that a weird and unfair headgame to play with someone? Yes. But it happens. Send the notes, laugh it off, move on. Kicking yourself in the rear over something you can’t change isn’t going to help you move forward.

    5. My job is known for a very hard core interview process. Almost everyone who now works here walked out feeling like they did an awful job. I would write a brief thank you note and move on.

  19. I am managing a political campaign for an awesome woman running for county supervisor in my area. I’m looking for a free or low-cost database we can use to track volunteers and donors – any suggestions? I don’t need anything too fancy – we are working with a consultant who handles the voter data side of things, but I just need something for myself and the volunteer coordinator to use for volunteer and donor tracking. Basically, a small step up from excel.

      1. Yes — there’s a MySQL community edition. MySQL.com/products/community

        Looks like MS Access undiscounted is $160, and there is discounted nonprofit pricing if you qualify.

    4. NGPVan does all this and is fairly intuitive to use. It’s more than a small step up from Excel, but not prohibitively expensive and is what my candidate for county commissioner (He won!) used. IMO, it was worth it and his campaign used it to make excellent use of limited resource to reach the most likely voters.
      That’s the challenge in these small races – you have very finite resources in both money and volunteers. The candidates who make the best use of these are the ones who can win.

    5. I just used google sheets in my campaigns, but I didn’t have time to set up anything more complex than that.

    6. If she’s an enrolled Dem, you can likely buy Votebuilder access for a low cost which does all of this and more through your state Dem Party. Good luck to her!

  20. I can’t even with that Ralph Yarl story. Not only was he shot for ringing a door bell while Black, then 3 houses refused to help him before the one that did made him lie face down with his hands above his head?

    This country is so broken.

      2. This story has been everywhere since yesterday. If you haven’t seen it, you need to diversify your news sources/people you follow.

        It’s horrifying.

      4. Kansas City – Honours student, youth orchestra member -shot in face after ringing a door bell to pick up his brothers from a play date. Refused help when he tries to get help from neighbours. The neighbours should all be charged.

        Went to 115th Street instead of 115th Terrence when picking up his twin brothers. Rang doorbell at wrong house and they shot him in the face.

        1. There’s no chance the neighbors will be changed. It’s not illegal to refuse to help an injured person unless you caused the injury. I also have to say I don’t think the neighbors who declined help are necessarily evil here. I would call 911/police, but I wouldn’t let a wounded person inside my house. They don’t know how he was injured – for all they know he committed a crime and was shot wall escaping or was shot by a fellow teenager as part of gang violence. It’s pretty reasonable to not want to get mixed up in whatever caused someone to be shot. There’s no excuse for the person who shot him though, and I’m devastated for his family.

        2. “The neighbours should all be charged.”

          WHAT? That is nuts. The neighbours did not do anything criminally wrong – there is no legal responsibility to help out a teenager. FFS.

          1. There should be. Many European countries have Good Samaritan laws.

            Can’t believe this is even a question if people should call for help when a kid gets shot in the face.

          2. What they did is morally wrong. I wish they could be charged with aiding and abetting.

    2. This was in KC; for some reason I’m mostly seeing it on instagram but it should be picked up by mainstream media. It’s absolutely disgusting.

      1. It’s on the front page of CNN. It’s also front page on some international news websites.

    4. It’s so awful. I remember in law school reading about a similar scenario that led to murder (Yoshihiro Hattori) and internally screaming as the professor explained what happened to homeowner (basically nothing). My son’s two best friends are Black and Puerto Rican and I can 100% imagine one of them ringing the “wrong” doorbell. I live in a Big Scary Liberal City and if people ring my doorbell, I manage to deal with it without using a gun (e.g., opening the door, only opening the screen door, not opening the door, using my words).

    5. I feel so sad and angry.

      My neighbor pointedly put out a *support the police* sign during the height of the BLM movement and it’s still up.

      Wtf is wrong with people.

    2. What’s the venue and city (and time of day)? Late spring in the south usually means florals/bright colors for weddings but the calculus can be different if it’s at night.

      I’ve seen this on someone and it was lovely in person but I wouldn’t wear it at night:
      https://www.dillards.com/p/antonio-melani-x-born-on-fifth-pippa-fit-and-flare-peplum-dress/516238241

      This would be a good option that could also be worn at night: https://www.dillards.com/p/eliza-j-embroidered-lace-boat-neck-34-sleeve-dress/515442331

      I love this: https://tnuck.com/products/hibiscus-guipure-lace-blythe-dress?variant=43477571174622

      1. Yes I definitely should have included that. It’s at night in what appears to be a big renovated stable behind a mansion near Memphis.

        1. Okay, given that context I would still do something brighter than navy, but maybe a bright solid vs. a floral. You could do a cocktail-type dress or a long dress so long as it didn’t scream “I am at a charity ball.”

    3. Budget? For something like this I’d look at Sea New York, Doen, Farm Rio, or similar

    4. I like the one you linked. If it’s a different style than your current navy dresses, go for it. Nothing wrong with wearing your favorite color.

  22. Someone recently posted a link to a recommended hair brush from Amazon on here, but I’m having trouble finding it. Could someone post the link again? Or any other recommendations for Asian / straight hair? I have very fine hair but lots of it. I don’t blow dry my hair, just air dry. Thank you!

    1. Not the original poster, but the owner of very fine hair, I treasure my Maison Pearson brush. Expensive, but worth it for me.

    2. I wasn’t the one who recommended it, but it was the Wet Brush. I own 4 of them and have bought them as gifts for my mom and sister. They are great, but after awhile, some of the little tips fall off of some models so they need to be replaced every few years.

    1. I usually end up in the same size I would get from everlane or madewell for tops and dresses and sometimes need to go up one size for skirts (but sometimes not). I’ve unfortunately never found pants there that flattered me. I love their stuff! I usually wear an XS, sometimes a S on the bottom. Their dresses and pants run a bit long but the midi dresses are still a flattering length (I’m 5’4″).

    2. TTS, I would say. I am 5’4, 145 lbs, and in some of their tops I take a small, some a medium. Dresses I usually buy in a medium or size 8 or 10. I usually buy size 29 for their denim.

    3. It seemed to run similar to US mall brands. I’m usually in between a M and L in tops and took an M, if that helps.

    5. I find it to be mostly TTS. I am 5’9 and 130, generally buy a S or M in tops (depending on how I want it to fit) and a US 6 in dresses. Their dresses can be quite short on me, but admittedly I am tall.

  25. Travel ideas wanted! Big anniversary coming up. Want to go somewhere amazing – beachy resort style with day trips. 5-7 days. Budget $4-5K total. Flying from west coast USA. Where would you go?

    1. With that time frame and budget, probably Hawaii. French Polynesia (especially Bora Bora) is also amazing but would strain the budget even more than Hawaii would.

      1. Her budget would get them 1-2 nights there. It starts around $1,500/night and is often more.

    3. For that length of trip and that budget, I’d recommend a cruise out of whichever port city is driveable from you.

      1. Thanks for ideas so far. Sorry, cruise is not for us. For people who know Hawaii, anywhere in particular? Also, what about the Caribbean? Would that be doable if we upped the stay by a day or so?

        1. I haven’t been that many places in the Caribbean, but I think the general consensus is that barring niche interests (maybe scuba or sailing people can weigh in here), Hawaii is better all around and DEFINITELY better if you’re coming from the West Coast. I did a 2.5 week anniversary trip to Oahu, Maui, and the Big Island. I’ve heard Kauai is also amazing, but we stuck to the three Islands we heard were warmest/least windy in January.

          For 5-7 days, I’d stick to one Island. I loved Maui–stayed at an amazing bnb in upcountry and at a resort on Lahaina. I’d do the exact same thing in heartbeat.

        2. Agree with Deedee generally – Hawaii is better, especially coming from the West Coast, and stick to one island. Caribbean is a longer flight for you, doesn’t have as much to offer, is likely to be more expensive (especially in terms of flights), and overall just isn’t worth the schlep from the West Coast for 5-7 days.

          But honestly your budget is pretty tight and flight prices are beyond insane right now. I just paid $1,500 per person for flights from Chicago to St. Martin this winter, we used to do that trip for ~$500. Hawaii would have been a bit cheaper, but not all that much. I’d start by looking at flight prices from your home airport and figuring out where you can fly to reasonably affordably at the time you want to travel. That may narrow it down considerably.

          Beware that hurricane season in the Caribbean is roughly June to October with August and September being the worst months. If you see good deals then, that’s why. It may be a gamble worth taking, but go into it with your eyes open that there’s a reason things are cheap that time of year. Aruba, Bonaire and Curaco are outside the hurricane belt but they’re not my favorite islands.

          1. Also, if the all-inclusive thing is what you really want, I’d look at Mexico, especially the Cancun area. Mexico is generally much more affordable than Caribbean islands, both to get to and to stay in. There are some very nice adults only all-inclusive resorts in Cancun in the $500/night range, especially over the summer. And you don’t have as much issues with hurricanes in Mexico.

    4. Napili Kai in Maui. HEAVEN. Not too fancy, just so, so relaxing. Lots of great day trips on Maui.

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