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I like these dark purple pumps from Vince — I always love a good suede d'orsay pump with a reasonable(ish) 3″ heel, and we all know I love purple pumps. Now, I would call this dark purple color a “wine,” or maybe even an “eggplant,” — but not “pomegranate.” I always think of pomegranates as being a dark, almost blood-red fruit — so I ran a search to see if other stores stocking the shoe had a different picture. And no, it looks kind of dark purple in all of the pictures. So… no matter. The search did turn up an awesome “flax” nubuck color (at full price at CUSP and Nordstrom) as well as these nice bright red and bright blue versions of the shoe on sale at Piperlime (for $199). Nice. The pictured pumps are available at Shopbop in “pomegranate” (sigh) and “blue jay.” Vince Celeste d'Orsay Pumps
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
I love these! What I really love about these is that they work for both work and going out. I can picture these with a pair of straight leg or slim jeans and a silk blouse. So pretty. I might have to get them!
Meg
DC / NOVA ladies – can anyone recommend a hairstylist in the area? I work in Tenleytown and live in Clarendon. I also spend a good amount of time in Georgetown, so anything relatively close to those areas would be great. My current stylist charges about 65, but I could do a bit more if the haircuts held up (right now it my hair is shoulder length and looses all shape after 4 weeks). TIA!
Meg
Sorry I meant to post as a new topic
Anonymous
What kind of hair do you have/hairstyle are you looking for?
Meg
Shoulder length – layered, a bit wavy but not too much. Pretty average. Right now I go downtown, but since I have to drive for work it’s not the most convenient to go there and try to find parking. And then I realized my hair has almost no shape after a few weeks, so I need to find a new place.
Anonymous
Felicia at PRAT in Shirlington. Do NOT go to Gabriella, if she’s still there.
a.
Gabby at vsl! !
Duchess
I go to Jessica at Jouvence Aveda at Pentagon Row. I LOVE her.
BMBG
Rania at Jon David between Courthouse and Rosslyn. I have the same type of hair, and she does a great job. She’s in the price range you’re looking for as well.
Flying Squirrel
Tracy at Silk Salon and Spa (she’s the owner). She’s very reasonably priced and located in Courthouse Plaza. I always got compliments on my hair, and she’s just an awesome person!
Friendship Heights
Melissa at Red Door in Friendship!
Anonymous
This is probably too far out of your way, but I love Min at Chaos in Bethesda.
preg anon
Hey, ladies. I have a new mom question for you. How much did your husbands help with middle-of-the-night feedings? My husband is back at work and waking up at 5:30, while I am still on maternity leave. I have a hard time knowing how much he should be helping me. Friends say that their husbands get up with them, but I feel guilty since I’m not working and he is, and obviously there’s only so much he can do since I’m nursing. He offered to help at first, and I told him no, so now I just do it by myself. But then I worry that we’re getting into a bad habit. Any thoughts?
TBK
No experience, but I recently read that it’s good if dad can do a feeding around midnight-ish or 6:00am-ish (using a bottle with breastmilk) so mom can get at least a six-hour chunk of sleep but without seriously compromising dad’s ability to be alert for a full day of work. No clue if that works when the baby is really, really tiny though (or works at all — so many things seem like such great ideas until you try to implement them in real life).
JJ
This was our experience. Baby had a horrible latch for the first month of his life, so I was exclusively pumping. My husband would do the “early” late night feeding with a bottle (generally, between 10:30 and midnight) and I would do the middle of the night and and early morning ones while he slept. Once the baby transitioned to nursing (instead of exclusively bottle fed), we still kept that arrangement because it worked for us and I would just pump enough for a bottle or two each day.
Mom of Two
None during my combined 2+ years of night feedings. My husband has been a hands-on father from day 1, but we are both of the mindset that *someone* needs a good night sleep. Besides, I could nap during the day and he couldn’t. He took the babies weekend mornings so I could get extra sleep.
Once you’re back a work, the situation changes. If baby takes bottles, I’ve heard the best approach is to have alternate nights rather than feedings, so that you both get full nights of rest. Again, it worked best for me to just keep doing the feedings myself because I wasn’t going to pump an ounce more than I needed to, but I would have definitely alternated nights if I were formula feeding.
When talking with other parents, I found the handling of night time feedings was by far the most varied parenting solution. Do what works for you and your family.
I really would not worry about setting up a bad habit by being the only one who feeds the baby at night. Not a big deal at all.
preg anon
Thanks, everybody. Y’all have already made me feel better, just knowing that there’s no right way to do it. Every decision I make these days feels like the Biggest Decision Ever!
Anonymous
Haha, so true. It really does feel like that! With my first child, my epic internal struggle was what to do about middle of the night diaper changes. LOL. There’s no right answer.
mascot
Secret of parenting, there are a few decidedly wrong ways to do things (abuse, starvation, etc) and about a billion right ways. Babies turn out just fine.
Ellen
I am NOT expereinced in this YET, b/c I am NOT married and am going to need to have a baby soon, but I would expect that my husband will have to share at least 50/50 if not 70/30 in the middel of the night feeding’s. I figure that after 9 month’s of carrying HIS baby, and haveing to pump my breast milk during the day, that HE will have to get up to handel the baby at night, and that includes BOTH feeding and changeing.
On the other hand, I am fair, and if for some reason, I had NOT pumped any milk that day for him to give to the baby, then I would have to get up and give the baby FRESH milk.
I think I will be totaly up front with these rules before we even begin to conceive a baby together, after we are married. I do NOT want to have any misunderstandings on this score. So even if we have relation’s after we are engaged, you can be sure that he will be wearing his little raincoat. No surprises or room for compromises here. Alan always had a raincoat, thank GOD, b/c he was a drunk, and the last thing any of us needs is a drunken absentee father who want’s visitation as well as SPOSAL SUPPORT. FOOEY on that!
RR
My experience is a little different because my first two were twins. I was literally never up for a feeding during the first six months when my husband wasn’t up too. I can’t say the same in reverse. He covered a couple early shifts when I was exhausted and recovering from a c-section.
With baby #3, we plan to do shifts. He’ll take all feedings/wakings from 9/10 when I go to bed until around 2. I’ll do all feedings/wakings from 2 until 6/6:30.
My worry would also be the “bad habit”–that it becomes easier for him to just let you do it since you’ve always done it. Particularly as you get closer to going back to work and are pumping, I’d consider having him take a feeding with bottled breastmilk every night while you pump. Or he could get up and bring you the baby or do a diaper change after you feed the baby so that you don’t have to interrupt your sleep as much. Personally, I’d be very resentful if I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night for a year or more. I know that some women are totally unbothered by it, so I think you have to just be willing to be honest with yourself and him regarding what you need. Anything you choose to do is the right answer as long as the two of you are okay with it.
mascot
My husband handled that 10-11 pm dreamfeed right before he went to bed most nights while I was on leave so that I could get to bed earlier. How much should he be helping you? In the amount that works for your family. If he needs to be alert the next day with no chance for a nap, then it makes sense for him to sleep. What you do on leave doesn’t have to be the last chance to revisit how you divide tasks. You are in survival mode right now. Figure out how to handle things as they come up and worry about the future when it gets here.
Anon
I was similarly conflicted while my hubby was back at work and I was getting up every 2 hours all night long. I just let him sleep and only got him up if I needed comforting (I was still having a LOT of trouble with BFing). The night feedings got better at about 6 weeks (only once a night) and then things weren’t so bad. Letting him get his sleep did not set up a bad habit for us. He is now the one who will get up if the little one cries in the middle of the night (thankfully rare). He’s a lighter sleeper than me.
Some friends of mine had the husband get the baby and bring the baby to them in bed for nursing and then bring the baby back to the crib. That didn’t work for me because 1) the baby was next to me in a bassinet and 2) I could not nurse while lying down, I had to be in a chair with the boppy.
Just do whatever works for you for right now. The situations are always changing with a little one!
CKB
I have 3 kids. My dh never got up in the night when I did to feed. I exclusively bf’ed (without pumping) and there wasn’t really anything for him to do so I only got him up if I really needed him for something, like a major blowout that required changing the sheets, and the baby was screaming & I needed an extra set of hands.
That being said, he has always been more of a night owl than me, so it was normal for me to head to bed early while he stayed up with the baby so I could get a little extra sleep and he could have some bonding time. But it never made sense to me for both of us to get up in the middle of the night, especially when he had to be at work the next day and I could stay in my pjs all day if I wanted.
And now, when he’s the SAHD and I’m the one getting up for work the next day he usually takes care of night wakings when they happen. And yes, they still do occasionally happen, even though our youngest is almost 8.
C, Esq.
I was nursing exclusively, so there wasn’t much my husband could do to help with the middle-of-the-night feeds (at least after the first couple of weeks, once I got the hang of everything). However, my son tended to be awake and fussy/wanting to be held for a couple of hours during the night even when he wasn’t hungry during those first couple of months, and that was exclusively my husband’s territory, even when he was back at work and I was on leave.
It worked out pretty fairly, I think. I was up about every 2-3 hours all night, but still was able to get a few chunks of solid sleep in between, whereas he usually spent the hours between 11-1 or 11-2 holding the baby on his chest in the rocker or laying with him on the floor of the nursery.
Maddie Ross
My husband did not been getting up with me for feedings while I was on leave. We never really discussed it at first as he sleeps really deeply and I was always the one who heard our little one wake anyway. A few weeks after our baby was born though, he came home and joked about how everyone asked him how he was sleeping and he thought it was funny that nothing had changed. I took that opportunity to discuss with him how things would work once my leave was over. He really took it to heart and now that I am back at work, he is really helpful with nighttime issues. We aren’t strict about it, but we try to alternate who goes in if she wakes in the middle of the night. And when little one wakes up in the morning, he goes and gets her and brings her to me to feed. Honestly, I think he’s way more helpful now specifically because I was so easy on him in the beginning. It worked out better for us than to have two sleep deprived people dragging around…
J
My hubs got up at every feeding with me–he was in charge of fetching the baby and changing her diaper if necessary, and then would hand her to me to nurse, and then he would put her back in her crib. It worked for us; he felt like he was contributing, and I didn’t feel like I was doing everything all on my own. Since he couldn’t help feed her, this was how he helped!
preg anon
Did he just sit there while you did the feeding? Or did he go back to bed? My feedings take so long these days (the baby keeps falling asleep).
Quasi Minimalist
For me, getting a full feeding for the sleepy baby was my #1 priority. (Babywise philosophy) I flicked the bottom of her feet, bounced her, and switched sides frequently while BFing. SO wakes up faster than me, so he literally hopped right out of bed, went to the crib, changed the diaper, and brought her to me. While I worked on a full feeding, SO went right back to sleep. I fed baby and then put her back in her crib. Good luck and congrats on your baby!
Ems
I’m a full-time working mom to an 8-month-old who still wakes once or twice a night for feedings. I breastfeed, so I don’t think my husband would add much value in the middle of the night and I do all the overnight feedings. He takes the baby weekend mornings and I get to sleep in a bit.
Do whatever works, don’t worry about what you “should” be doing. There are a lot of different ways to fairly and sensibly divide tasks. In my house, I feed the baby and my husband feeds me – I’ve cooked dinner probably fewer than 30 times since I got pregnant in spring 2012. If there is some other division of labor that works better for you, good luck and godspeed.
R
This was our solution too! I breastfeed and saw no point to pumping just so Dad could give a bottle at night. (I pump all day at work to get bottles for the next day – I’m not pumping one second more than I have to.) But Dad does all the grocery shopping and food prep and cleaning around the house. He gets the good night sleep so he has the energy at night to do all that. I like the way you put it – I feed the baby, and he feeds me.
Also in Academia
This was us, exactly. It worked well for us, as neither of us saw any point in having 2 people get up if only one had to. I have noticed, now that we are on bottles of formula instead of me nursing the baby, that my husband really likes giving the baby a bottle. I think he’s been bonding with our youngest in a way he did not get to with our first . . . but if my body hadn’t given up breastfeeding suddenly, it never would have happened. So, whatever you do, there will be good things and negatives, and your baby will be fine.
Anon
+1. This was us. I absolutely hated pumping and thought it was way more work to pump, clean all the pump and bottle parts, warm a bottle, etc. than it was to just BF. Plus, our son didn’t take to a bottle well, so bottle feeding in the middle of the night was never an option. BFing soothed baby quickly and he would go right back to sleep. There was no point in both us waking up, especially when I was on maternity leave. My DH was an amazingly hands on dad, did everything possible to help around the house, cooked every single meal for me (to the point where if he wasn’t home to make me something, I often would just not eat until he got home), so I didn’t feel like I was really overburdened by dealing with the night feedings on my own. I second all the advice to just do what works best for you and your family, and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks if it works for you.
EB0220
When I had one helper (husband or other family), I typically had them take the late evening shift (about 8 – 11 pm) so I could get to sleep early. With two helpers, one person took the late evening shift and one took the early morning (5 am – 7 am). I would still get up to feed her but the helpers would take care of any additional soothing required and would be “on call” until the next (approximate) feeding time. I found that really helped me sleep better because I wasn’t constantly on edge listening for her every snuffle. After the help from family tapered off and my husband started traveling again (Mon-Thu), my daughter started sleeping in a Rock N Play next to my bed. It was much easier for me to rock her back to sleep. I would just feed her in bed (sitting up, with a boppy) and I felt more calm having her next to me. It never made sense to me to wake my husband up if I was just going to feed her and put her back down. Usually, if she’s really upset, he’ll wake up anyway and help (he’s a light sleeper).
ANP
B-feeder here. We have two kids and my hubby is usually the one who wakes up to get them from the crib/pack n play when they cry, but we also cosleep with our babies after the first evening’s wake-up. Works for us. I wish b-feeding didn’t mean the ball was so squarely in my court all. the. time, but this is what works for us as a family so for now it’s OK. Good luck, and I agree w/other posters — there’s no “right” answer.
NewMama
Going on 10 months of BF’ing now. And we’re all sleeping through the night now. DH took care of much of the getting the baby ready to be BF. When DD was still waking up multiple time a night, we’d often take turns doing the middle of the night diapers and the trying to get her to go back to sleep. I found I could handle it by myself when I had a chunk of 3 hrs of sleep, but 1 1/2 – 2 just killed me. And getting her to go back to sleep around the 4 wk to 2-3 mo part got really tough.
Figure out what works for the 2 (3) of you. It’s incredibly personal.
anymoose
We firmly believed that the house could only accommodate one crazy person at a time; someone had to be rested. I did all the night feedings, and my husband is as hands-on as one can get as a stay-at-home dad.
Meg
DC / NOVA ladies – can anyone recommend a hairstylist in the area? I work in Tenleytown and live in Clarendon. I also spend a good amount of time in Georgetown, so anything relatively close to those areas would be great. My current stylist charges about 65, but I could do a bit more if the haircuts held up (right now it my hair is shoulder length and looses all shape after 4 weeks). TIA!
Equity's Darling
I need to stop shopping for my fake life. I really don’t need yet another Patagonia fleece zippy, but they’re so warm and comfortable, and on sale, so obviously I ordered another one, for all my mountain hiking excursions (pfft, more like wandering down the block to the cupcake shop on Saturday afternoons). I can’t be the only one with this problem?
RR
No, it’s not just you. I totally shop for a life I don’t have. And not just for clothes. When buying a stroller for baby #3, I kept having to remind myself that I am neither a big city dweller nor a weekend mountaineering warrior. Alas, I’m a suburban, in and out of the car, on sidewalks and in big stores kind of girl. :)
Anon
You’re not alone! I have wardrobe items that are both far too casual / sporty / formal for my very-business-casual, suburban life. I’m trying to reign in it in, but I really, really want some North Face snow boots even though it’s never, ever going to snow here, or even get cold.
Ironically, I have a terrible time shopping for my real life and frequently suffer from workday wardrobe blahs.
Equity's Darling
Oh, wanna post a link to the boots? I looking, and legitimately need new ones this winter, because it definitely does snow and get cold here, and I walk home from work usually. They need to be good to -40 and waterproof, frostbitten toes are not on the list of things I like. Mid-calf or higher is preferable.
I was considering at another pair of Sorels- I do like my current ones in terms of warmth and waterproofness, but they rub my heel, so….new boots it is.
Anon
Of course! These are knee-high, but probably impractical in suede?
http://www.thenorthface.com/catalog/sc-gear/women-39-s-janey-ii.html
Coincidentally these are on the North Face website but they’re much less at 6pm:
http://www.6pm.com/the-north-face-nuptse-fur-iv-shiny-moonlight-ivory-classic-khaki
Now, for these I will be needing a winter-white cashmere scarf :)
Katie
I need new boots too! I’ve been debating whether I should get these ones. The downside about TNF boots though is that they are very heavy.
JANEY II LUXE
http://m.thenorthface.com/mt/www.thenorthface.com/catalog/sc-gear/womens-footwear/women-39-s-janey-ii-luxe.html?from=subCat&variationId=G5F#un_tab_reviewsexpanded
TO Lawyer
I buy tons of non-work appropriate dresses and heels because in my fake life, I’m always on fancy dates and at c*cktail parties.
preg anon
This is my vice too. My husband always says collecting c*cktail dresses is my hobby.
Anonymous
This is me. Heels, dresses, silk blouses. I think I’m so fancy, but the reality is that when I’m not in work clothes, I wear jeans, soft tee shirts and either booties or sandals 80% of the time.
tesyaa
Yes, I’m the same way. I want to be prepared, in advance, for every possible fancy occasion.
anon
I do that too! So many cute dresses that I never wear. I suppose I could dress up for the mall on Saturday.
KC
I definitely have a fleece problem as well! I immediately change after work into one with sweatpants or leggings, and so that fleece = relaxing time association makes it hard to resist purchasing more and more.
TCFKAG
You are not alone, I spend *a lot* of time shopping for gowns for black tie formal events I *never* go to.
(Luckily I don’t buy them … instead I substitute more blazers than you can shake a stick at. I am now probably past the number of blazers one girl needs…but I WANT many many more.)
cbackson
No, instead of buying them, you post them for me!
B
I collect pretty heels and live in flats and flip flops.
sharpest
you too? I keep my collection at work and display them while walking from my office to the bathroom.
Anonymous almost in paris
This * 1000
AnnonFoo
Haha, same here !
Anonymous
Oh man, thinking about fleece just made me have the worst craving for crisp fall air, falling leaves, and wandering cute neighborhood blocks in boots and a scarf.
Only 4 more months until Texas gets cool enough to pretend we have “fall.”
Nonny
I have the opposite problem – it has suddenly turned into October here!
Not that I really have any serious objection – sweater weather is my favourite time of year – but I was kind of hoping we’d have just a few more weeks of summer.
Miss Pearl
Love these – great heel height, and both sexy and professional (if there can be such a thing).
NOLA
Hey Miss Pearl – I love how your blog combines food and fashion. Two of my favorite things!
Miss Pearl
Thank you! They are two of my favorite things, too. :)
Anonymous
Is there a way to make my hair look fuller at the ends? Or are extensions my only option? I’ve been growing my hair out for a while, and even though my hair is pretty thick, the ends always look wispy
zora
frequent trims/cuts? Are you using good products to reduce split ends? Using a lot of heat-styling that is breaking off your hair? My hair is pretty thin, but now that I go to the stylist every 8 weeks or less, the ends always look healthy and full.
Olivia Pope
This sounds like your ends are damaged. The ends have been around the longest, so they are showing the worst of whatever you do to your hair.
Short term solution: cut off the damage ends. Add high quality clip in extensions to fill in the void. (You can look into other types, but they can be damaging which will ultimately cause the same issue in the long run.)
Long term solution: address the underlying issue. Heat styling? Find good heat protectant. Mechanical damage from combing and brushing? (A curly/coily hair issue for the most part) Switch to wide tooth comb or denman brush. Nutrient deficiency? Take vitamins and improve your food. Split ends? Weak hair? Add protein treatment once a month.
Yes, I read lots of hair blogs.
Anonymous
Can you recommend some of the hair blogs?
Rising 2L
Blunt cut ends look really thick compared to long layers. You just need a different hair cut.
Out of office, effective yesterday
Does your boss alert you to their vacation or days off in advance? Mine doesn’t. He sends an email to our department either minutes before walking out the door or on the first day of his vacation. I imagine my boss informs their supervisor in advance, but not the staff. I’ve worked here for several years and it’s always been like this.
Our department policy to arrange our time off with our projects in advance, not just our superiors. I would be given a strong talking-to if I pulled what he pulls every time. That’s weird, right?
RR
That is weird. I always notify the senior partners and the associates and staff I work with well in advance so that everyone can plan.
Violet_04
Yes, this is weird.
If my boss is taking an extended vacation or will be traveling for work, he usually sends an Outlook calendar notification in advance. Same thing with my peers. Sometimes we’ll get last minute notifications for illness, appointments, etc, but not for pre-planned vacations.
MissK
I think it’s weird.
My boss informs myself, his parenter, and our operations manager (who covers for him on necessary office approvals while he’s gone) in advance of any vacations. My mom is a manager at small office, and she always informs her direct reports of vacation in addition to her supervisor.
DAR
We have an office vacation calendar and even the big cheese’s vacation is on there.
Anonymous
Yes, it is weird and inappropriate. The boss should be giving you a heads up that he’s not available in case you were planning to consult with him or deliver something on a day he’s not going to be in. I think everyone on a team (formal or informal) should notify up and down across the team with an Outlook calendar invitation. I got blasted for this suggestion several weeks ago — told I was “pretentious” for putting my vacation on the calendars of the partners and associates I work with. But the invitation is an “all day” and “free” invitation, so it just shows up as a banner that I’m out if someone is looking at those days in case, say, they want to set a deadline or plan a meeting or figure out why I’m not here at 10 a.m.
mascot
This would annoy some of the people I work with, just because they don’t like having their calendars cluttered and we are all in the same office. I generally rely on my assistant and the out of office msg to let people know when I am away.
KS IT Chick
My boss tells me, but I’m the senior person in the department and most likely to be called to attend a meeting in his stead. He also always puts it on the shared calendar in Exchange that the department has access to, but most of my colleagues don’t bother looking at it. They just call or email me to ask where he is.
Brant
Mine usually forgets to tell me until the last minute…and I’m her backup. I’ve learned now that if I catch her talking about distant vacation plans (“oh, when we go away this summer…”) I try to pin down the dates and note them in my calendar. Then when, on the Wednesday before the week our major departmental strategic plan is due, she tells me she’ll be out for an entire week and oh can I cover for her on that planning thing? I have advanced notice.
Veronique
My boss will sometimes tell me casually in conversation, but not an official notification. There is a shared Exchange calendar that is used by everyone that she manages, but she doesn’t share her vacation in the calendar. It’s pretty annoying, because it makes it difficult to plan my work schedule if I have something that requires her approval.
Simsi
Relationship/Career Threadjack:
My SO has been offered an opportunity for a position in a location almost across the country from where we are currently. I’m an attorney, so moving to this new location would require taking a new bar (no reciprocity) and starting at a new firm. For SO, this is a great opportunity, but it is just a stepping stone and we would likely have to move again, likely to a new, third, state within another two-or-so years. I’m currently a junior associate, and am very concerned that moving in my second year, and then in my fourth year, of practice is detrimental to my career (who wants to hire someone that moves every two years?!). In addition, I would like to move permanently back to our current state when the time comes (10 years, fine). The flip side is that each of these moves would be great for SO (prestige, money, rewarding.). How do you strike the balance between life/career?
Betty
He goes, you stay, and you do long distance for the two-or-so years until the next move. LD sucks, but it would give you the chance to develop at your firm and leave on strong footing.
Moving cross-country, to the detriment of your career, for a non-spouse seems unwise to me. And if you were married, I’d still urge you to consider your career and how much relocating could set you back.
MaggieLizer
If the second move is a strong possibility, then I agree with Betty that being long distance for 2 years is the better option. I definitely would not take a new bar, conduct a cross-country job search, and learn the law, local rules, etc. of a new jursidiction if I were only going to be there for two years. If SO can avoid the second move, then moving now might be more feasible.
I’ll disagree with Betty’s point that moving for a non-spouse is unwise, given that OP and her SO may not be able to marry in their current or proposed state. But I agree with the sentiment that I would want a commitment to a future together if I were going to make any career sacrifice for my partner.
Betty
Sorry if that appeared insensitive. I think of permanently committed gay relationships as de facto marriages and didn’t mean to exclude anyone by saying “spouse.” But it’s important to point out that my *thinking* of people as equal does not mean they are in the eyes of certain governments.
Let me just say that unless you and SO are committed for life, don’t consider ruining your career. And even if you are, think long and hard about it!
Anonymous
The biggest consideration is whether you and your SO are planning to be together for the long haul. Personally, I wouldn’t make this kind of move, where I had to quit my job and all, without being married. There are no guarantees, even with marriage, but I just wouldn’t be able to quit a job and move cross country without feeling like the relationship was forever.
If you are definitely in it for the long haul, I’d tell him to go ahead and I would start shopping my options in the new city. If you can find something good, go for it. People have to relocate for jobs, that’s part of life. Make sure you don’t burn bridges at the current job–emphasize that you’re only leaving because your SO had to relocate, that you intend to move back someday, and that you want to keep in touch. Then do it!
Anonymous
He stays. Your career requires you to invest in one location, yes? If you do this with him, you’ll be in terrible shape as a 7th year with no real local network or connections. He stays, and finds a different opportunity.
LF
I agree with the commenters who say long distance for the two years. My husband will definitely have to move for a training opportunity for a 2 year stretch in a couple of years and I refuse to move until he’s done with that and we have an idea of where our final location will be. 2 years is an incredibly short amount of time for a lawyer to even get settled into a job, let alone establish a network…
Simsi
Thank you for the feedback! To add an interesting twist: my firm has an office in the first new city and there might be an option to transfer (no guarantees). If I remain with the same firm for those first two years, even though it is a different city, how much does that matter? In addition, we have already done one year of long distance and really do not want to again. We are at the point where we get married next year, assuming this is worked out (and we obviously want to work it out).
Moved to the City
At least for law jobs, working for the same firm in two different offices comes across on a resume as one continuous period of employment. I would be a lot more inclined to move for someone if I could transfer offices for state two and then move to a different employer for state three than if I had to move to a new employer for each.
Also, if you are at the point of marriage, then changing jobs multiple times just might be what works best for you. If so, I would try not to quit your current job until you find something in state two.
Matilda
Kat, I love you, but this is probably the 15th time this week I’ve seen a 3-inch heel called “reasonable.” Eep!
Relatedly, I am trying to convert my entire work-shoe wardrobe to flats — I love the look of heels, but running plus roller derby plus heels equals severe hip pain. I’m also trying to get away from my fallback choices of Clarks or Borns. I love their heels, but their flats just look too casual to me. I’ve been eyeing the Boden patent-leather pointed toe flats (I’ll post a link below), but can’t decide if they’re just too trendy-looking for a fairly conservative southern law firm. Opinions? Does anyone else have favorite flats this season, preferably in a similar (or lesser) price point?
OMG
Because three inches is FINE. Completely professional and appropriate, as long as you can walk in them. If you can’t, that’s your problem— and not much of a problem, since there are tons of cute flats and low heels—but it doesn’t make the shoe “unreasonable.” Hope IRL you don’t go around “eep”ing at women in 3-inch heels.
mascot
I took the comment more along the line of what is a reasonable height for comfort, not a slight against professionalism of women in heels. Especially since the OP then stated she had chronic hip pain…
Matilda
Whoa — goodness, no! I certainly didn’t mean to imply in any way that 3-inch heels are unprofessional or inappropriate. As mascot said, I’m solely talking about my personal ideas of comfort. Even before I developed hip problems, I couldn’t walk in 3-inch heels for more than a block or two, but women who can and want to wear them should absolutely rock them out. I just keep seeing 3-inch heels described as “mid-height” and even “kitten” (but in all fairness, maybe I don’t actually know what kitten heels are supposed to be?) this season, which is the only reason I reacted to the word “reasonable” here.
And no, in real life I generally don’t go around Eep-ing at anyone else’s clothing or shoe choices (aside from a few fantastically inappropriate outfits I’ve seen in court). And I think these shoes are lovely, and would absolutely compliment a colleague on them.
Olivia Pope
3 inch heels are absolute not kitten heels. You’re probably picturing the right shoe for “kitten”
Eleanor
I don’t wear heels to work, and the J.Crew Viv flats are my go-to. The pointy toe makes them look more serious to me than other flats. I also have a pair of patent leather loafers I wear, and am thinking about getting on board with the oxford/brogue trend, inspired by the posts about them here the past couple of days. I saw those Boden flats you’re referring to, and I actually thought they would be a good replacement for the Viv flats, being cheaper. So far, I haven’t found anything I like as well as the Viv flats for less.
Mountain Girl
I’m also converting my shoe wardrobe to flats. I had been plagued by an ankle problem and the podiatrist and ortho docs both agree that it either flat shoes with arch support or a series of ankle surgeries. The podiatrist also pointed out all the other developing problems with my feet from decades of wearing heels and told me I would be good for business if I continued wearing heels.
I have found some pretty decent casual shoes with arch support but I’m having trouble finding shoes to wear with skirts.
anon
I’ve been buying flats lately, due to pain in my feet. I never really wore more than a 2″ heel, but even that is now problematic. And I can’t really wear a pointed toe anymore, due to toe issues. I got these Clark’s recently, I was told they would work with skirts, but I’m not so sure, so far I’ve only worn them with pants.
http://www.clarksusa.com/eng/product/concert_choir/26031379
mascot
I don’t think they would be too trendy for my fairly conservative southern law firm, certainly not for days in the office with no court or client meetings.
Bonnie
I think 3″ heels are reasonable. Even with all of my sport injuries, heels are more comfortable than flats. For dressier flats, look for shoes that do not have a rubberized sole like these: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/cole-haan-air-talia-wedge/3500262?origin=category&BaseUrl=Pumps
Matilda
Oops — got sidetracked and forgot to post the shoes. Here they are!
http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Shoes-Boots/Flats/AR591-NAV/Womens-Dark-Navy-Pointed-Flat.html?NavGroupID=11
PolyD
Have you ordered Boden shoes before? If so, disregard this. I find their shoes to be kind of weirdly plasticky, for leather shoes. They do seem to run “true to size” – I am a 7 in just about every brand I have tried, and their size 38/7.5 was too large for me.
Would wedges work? I find Calvin Klein Saxton wedges to be quite comfortable, as have some of my colleagues. Miz Mooz might have some nice flats, although they tend to be a bit more quirky in style.
PolyD
Oh, and I recently got some White House/Black Market flats that I think are very cute (they were in the sale section, so not sure if they are still around) and seem decent quality and decently comfortable, but I have to admit, I haven’t worn them. Open-toed shoes and even horrible flip flops are totally okay to wear at my office – I indulge in the peeptoes, but not the flip flops!
Don’t want to start a flip flop war, I admit I have an irrational hatred of flip flops.
KC
I think these are perfectly reasonable for an office setting. As long at the sole is not too chunky or visibly rubber, I think flats can be very professional. Some of my favorites are JCrew and Steve Madden (the plain, not embellished leather type).
emeralds
I pretty much only wear flats to work, so believe me you’re not the only one. I’ve always had good luck with flats from Nine West (Zappos looks like they have a decent selection). I’ve also picked up some good work flats from TJ Maxx, but obviously YMMV with them.
Samantha
Re – favorite flats. We’ve talked about the barefoot running movement here before, and I was surprised and excited to find that there are ‘barefoot’ women’s flats with a Vibram sole. Just ordered a pair – they are called Merrell Barefoot Life Zest Glove. Planning to use it on the 20-min walk on my commute. No arch support of course, but that’s what barefoot is all about. There are other versions, including a Mary Jane style by Merrell.
I also bought the Boden Colorblock Points Kat posted about recently for a more dressy shoe. Look forward to receiving both today!
talbots
Talbot’s has some almind-toe flats with about a half inch wedge that I looooveThey go on sale often.
Cordelia Chase
Hey, fellow runner! I totally did the same thing about 2 years ago. I used to wear high heels pretty much all day long since university, walking a whole lot, and I would get regular running injuries/pains/discomfort. So, once, during a really bad episode of hip pain, it just clicked for me that my shoes might be creating/exacerbating the problems. I kept on with the flats, and I cannot overstate that it’s been like a whole different world. No more running sideline!
It’s not always easy to find truly professional flats, but it is certainly not impossible. (I take a lot of issue with the cultural narrative that flats are just “not as formal” as heels – it all depends on the particular *type* of shoe.) I steer clear of rounded toes and go for solidly, sturdily built almond or pointed toes. As an awesome example, I’ve had these all-leather Ivanka Trump flats for about two years, and they look excellent and professional and have help up really well. Good luck with your shoe-wardrobe change. :)
Taylor
J. Crew, Stuart Weitzman, Ferragamo (I know WAY more expensive than anything else mentioned but they are so beautiful, one nice black pair is worth 1000 crappy ones! They also have their Vara which has one inch for a little bit of height), Zara can be hit or miss (like the pair of flats whose soles legitimately just fell off one day…), Marc by Marc Jacobs., Loeffler Randall, Pour La Victoire. Oh also, Club Monaco just launched a shoe collection and they’ve got some beautiful pointed toe flats! I’ve also heard surprisingly good things about Ann Taylor’s shoes….
Taylor
Ugh I’ve been trying to respond to this and keep getting the error “this is a duplicate comment”!
Taylor
Of course now it goes through…
Anonymous
A friend and I are thinking of taking up roller derby- do any readers play? How did you get into it? Fun? What’s your derby name?
Matilda
Yes! And go for it! I got into it completely at random — had always wanted to try it, and when I finally got around to looking up the local team I learned that tryouts were happening that month. I’ve been skating for about 10 months now (prior to this, I had not been on skates for over 20 years), and completely love it. I haven’t skated my first bout yet, but hopefully I will in the next month or so. Scrimmaging and practicing are absolutely fun — possibly more fun than should be legal. I will warn you that it’s VERY time-consuming — most leagues are skater-run, which means you’ll be doing a lot of committee work, publicity, set-up and tear-down for bouts, etc., in addition to the actual skating — but it’s very worth it. And most of my team does manage to make it work, even with jobs and spouses and kids.
Leagues vary depending on where you are, but most I’ve heard about are extremely welcoming to new skaters. My local league is an amazing group of women, and we’re very active in community service projects as well as the skating. I still marvel that I managed to luck into this wonderful a group.
I won’t post my skate name here because it would completely out me, but I’m happy to answer questions about derby! You can also email me at m a t i l d a c o r p o r e t t e, at the mail of google. (let’s see if that get’s caught in moderation!)
JuliaBee
Cakestyle is closing down and is having a sale:
http://sale.cakestyle.com/
I have a few things in my cart but am wonderfing if they will get desperate and further reduce some of the prices . . .
preg anon
Geez, see above regarding my vice. I really want all of those dresses, but thankfully they don’t have my size in most (not that I am a particular size these days, having just had a baby, but I’d probably still risk ordering them if they had anything even close).
Anonymous
yeah they unfortunately do have my size in a few gorgeous tops . . .
TBK
What are your thoughts on networking events? I try to go, telling myself it’s good to get to know people in the industry/city/whatever but I can’t think of a single real contact I’ve made after close to a decade of going to these things, whether they’re put on by bar associations or alumni groups. Does anyone have a different experience? Am I just doing it wrong? Or are these encounters too superficial to really lead to anything?
Anon
Are you consistently going to the same events? I’ve found that if you go to the same events and you attend regularly that you get to know some of the other attendees well. I have a few contacts that I met through networking events.
B
I agree re networkign events being unproductive.
The one that I’ve made real-ish connections (it’s only been a few months but there has been follow up!) is one that involved (a) an timed activity — ie. cocktails/mingling then an activity so ppl are committed to the full time and can discuss activity in addition to small talk; and (b) a focused group.
My best networking occurred at 1. college alumni community service day, 2. college alumnae workshop on managing stress 3. ethnic group bar association golf workshop.
I think having a goal beyond “network and drink” actually facilitates the networking.
RED
Another thing I have found helpful is to start a networking circle beginning with my friends. Two to three of us would have a brunch (or some sort of outing), and each of us would invite a friend from outside our social circle that the others do not already know. It’s mutually beneficial and provides a more intimate setting for folks to get acquainted. Plus, everyone would know someone there already, so it’s less awkward.
JJ
My friends and I do this, as well. It not only has resulted in great business development, but also a lot of new friendships. I highly recommend it. I’ve never had a connection result from a specific “networking” event, but that might be based on me rather than the event itself.
Jill
I find most networking events to be painfully irritating, mostly full of people who want to shove their business card in your face, and aren’t interested in having an actual conversation unless you can do something for them Right Now. I’m not inclined to tip someone off on a job or introduce them to a potential professional contact just because I saw them at a networking event, but I’d do that for someone I felt a connection with, someone who had tried to get to know me beyond “So what can you do for me today?”
Monte
I agree with the others that “networking” generally isn’t particularly useful, and that you have to get involved with a group with which you have some sort of tangible connection. I am not particularly aggressive at networking because I don’t have any desire to change jobs — instead, I find myself being approached by a lot of women five to ten years younger than I am who see my job as the dream job. That said, even someone as uninterested as I am in networking has made some decent connections through my local law school alumnae chapter. The women all have one basis for overlap, but it is a reasonably diverse group with a wide web of interests and connections.
If you aren’t doing it now, try to focus a little more on a recurring group of people with similar interests. It may be more fruitful.
Madewell quality?
What’s the quality of Madewell clothing? There’s no stores near me, but I keep hearing about them and like some of what I see online. Similar to Gap?
B
Fancy Jcrew. I liken it to Jcrew, but more casual than preppy. I have a linen/cotton blazer from Madewell that a coworker found to be higher quality than her BR one. I’ve gotten a fave Tshirt, sweater and blazer this summer and love all three.
eek
Anyone watching Broadchurch (BBC America for us folks in the USA. Episode 2 was on last night.). I won’t put in spoilers or speculation here, but OMG!
AIMS
I saw the first episode and have the second on my DVR, will probably watch it tonight. So good so far. And I love the Detective Inspector Doctor Who.
Cb
So good! I watched it when it came out here in the UK and it was the first thing I watched in ages that I didn’t have figured out right away.
Taylor
Totally with you on the Pomegranate thing! Sort of how “mint” colored clothes are light green when mint in real life is darker…
Mpls
Jcrew tried to sell me a “turquoise” t shirt that is really more of a dark jade green, rather than a lighter blue-green.
Federal Reserve
I have an interview at the Federal Reserve Board. Any suggestions/information? I know it’s late – sorry!
Carrie
Yes— ask if you’ll know if Larry Summers is being appointed before you’d have to start…and RUN AWAY if he is.