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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Windward Skirt

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Pendleton Women's Windward SkirtI don't think I've featured an A-line flowy skirt for a while, and I really like this one from Pendleton. The abstract navy pattern looks gorgeous, and I like how there's a defined waistband on it. I'd wear it with a pale pink tee and a white blazer, perhaps, for the office. It's $138 at Amazon. (sizes 2-18). Pendleton Women's Windward Skirt Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

336 Comments

  2. FYI: There’s a surprise one-day sample sale at Kate Spade today. Online only.

    1. Yes that greeted me at 5:45 am. Must have willpower. Wellesley Quinn in blueberry jam calling my name.

      1. I like that one too! I would love the Wellesley Quinn in the blue or the green. Too bad I have many, many other things that need to take priority over this. Must resist.

    2. I got the Vanston Maryclare in the camelish color in the hopes of ending my search for the perfect tote bag that will go with all my suits (and to stop me from buying cheap totes and then being surprised when they’ve fallen apart in 6 months).

      You guys are a bad influence on my bank account (but a wonderful influence on my fashion). I never bought nice bags or shoes until I started reading this site…

        1. Fair enough
          I managed to delete the email without opening it this morning thinking I had done well… Now I know what I’m missing and it’s sad

          1. Sorry! That is some admirable willpower.

            I looked through all the items, but nothing really grabbed me, and I managed to get away unscathed.

          3. I have taught Gmail to filter all shopping emails into my “shopping” folder. Every morning, I hit select all unread, skim the subject lines for anything I actually want to read (I do read Shop It To Me every day), and then delete them all at once.

        2. Haha – it’s more strategy, I delete all the shopping emails from my phone while I’m still half asleep so that I can’t look at them while I’m fully awake and start spending money :)

          1. This is what I do as well (and it is also why I love g-mails new “important” “not important” format). Its not fool-proof, but at least it keeps me from seeing the constant sales e-mails from all the companies I shop at. :-P

          2. I make “rules” on them and send them all to a separate folder that doesn’t show up on my phone. I check them when I have money to buy something or when I need something. Otherwise, I don’t look.

    4. Does anyone else not get the kate spade sample sale emails despite buying something at practically every single sample sale?? I get other kate spade emails, but not the sample sale ones (which I always seem to find out about here, but still). I’m starting to feel weirdly dissed!

      2. I used to find them in my spam box even though I got the regular emails, so check there!

        1. So weird — this is apparently exactly what was happening to me with gmail. I wonder what on earth it is about the suprise sales that sends them directly to spam?? Thanks for helping me figure this mystery out!

          2. I think, if you go into your Spam and click Not Spam, it “learns” not to put it in there again. Worth a try! FWIW, I have gmail and I get the sample sale emails.

    6. Quick, does anyone own any of the featured bags that they would recommend? Thanks!

      1. I have the Ashbury Lane Camden in goose. I’ve been really enjoying it on the weekends, but it’s a bit casual for my office imho. It’s not as shiny as the picture.

      2. I have two Quinns, both with the rounded handles, rather than flat. I love how they are laid out. I can easily find everything in it. The fabric one lost its shape a bit after use, but but leather one has held up beautifully so far.

        1. Question about the Quinn, would an iPad fit in there pretty easily? So hard for me to judge sizing online.

          1. I just measured mine and the side is 11 1/2 x 9 inches (on the outside). One pocket would definitely be wide enough if it’s long enough. One word of caution, though, it will throw it off-balance if you put something that heavy on one side of the zipper pocket without something heavier on the other side.

          2. I have a leather Quinn, and my iPad fits. The bag surprisingly fits a lot of stuff.

      3. I have the Wellesley Large Maeda in the color featured. It’s very large (can fit macbook air, full size notebook and other assorteds in with no problem. The leather is also very hard and I like that because I think I’m a little bit hard on my bags. It does not have any dividers really inside, so that’s a little bit of a negative. I love the color and it’s really durable.

        2. Thanks for the tip. I just finished a big big project and was thinking of getting myself a treat. I think the Blueberry Large Maedea may be the ticket!

      4. Thanks all. I think I am going with gold coast Serena in black this time around!

      5. I have the Wellesley Quinn in blueberry jam. Love it, it’s a great size and I get tons of compliments. But it’s very “wide open”. It has one large zippered middle pocket and the sides are wide open with no closure. Fine for me, but it does mean my phone and pens go flying out of it whenever I slam on my breaks in the car and it falls over (often). Also, anyone standing next to me on the elevator can see everything in it. I just keep my small wallet and personal items zips in the middle pocket.

        1. I’m seriously disappointed that this is sold out. I thought I’d be bothered by it being open, but I’m not. I keep my phone and keys in the middle pocket. My wallet and my card case and pens tuck down in one side and they’ve never fallen out.

    8. I saw it this morning on my iPad and decided to wait til I got to the office to try to buy. Lucky for my wallet, the two items in the colors I want are now sold out. I have saved myself $200!

      1. Don’t spend money you don’t have! Financial security is much more valuable than whatever Kate Spade item you are tempted to get.

        1. Just x’ed out all the windows. If we are meant to be together my lovely mango purses and I will reunite in a few months.

    10. My iPhone won’t open the sale page. I’m not permitted to shop on my work computer per agency rules. This is probably a good thing, as we’re in the middle of buying a house right now, but it feels a little like a nasty cosmic joke. Boo.

    11. Thoughts on the Windsor Square Gabrielle? I really like the mango color, although I am not sure if it will be too bright to carry to work… (conservative big law office).

    12. BTW, Nordstrom will match sample sale prices so you can save on shipping and avoid final sale.

      1. Really? I already bought one at the sample sale, but good to know for future reference. One more reason to love Nordstr*m.

      2. Wow, good to know for future reference! I already bought mine, but I am always struck by buyers remorse, so final sales frighten me!

        Well, I just have to live with it this time around!

    13. Be sure to check the description, I just noticed some of the bags say they were made for the KS Outlet…might be lower quality!

  3. Early TJ:

    Do any of you use black bar soap for your face/body? I’ve read rave reviews online and am interested, but not sure which to go with. I’d love to hear your experiences.

    Also, is it available in a brick and mortar store in NoVA v. online?

    Thanks!

    3. I bought some online from Lush a few months ago and have never used it because I got pregnant and — voila! — clear skin! So, two responses: 1) I’ll give you mine for free, if you want! I live in Arlington and work in DC. Email me at corporettemargaret at gmail dot com. 2) If you want to by your own in person, try Lush. I know there’s a Tyson’s Corner location.

    4. Assuming that we’re talking about the same thing, I bought some online from Lush a few months ago and have never unwrapped or used it because I got pregnant and — voila! — clear skin! So, two responses:

      1) I’ll give you mine for free, if you want to try it out. I live in Arlington and work in DC. Email me at c o r p o r e t t e margaret (at) gmail (dot) com. (Hope that makes sense, trying to avoid moderation.)

      2) If you want to buy your own in person, try Lush. I know there’s a Tyson’s Corner location.

    5. I use African Black Soap in the summer to combat oiliness and sweaty smell (probably TMI, sorry about that) but it’s a bit too harsh for me during the other seasons. I only use it once a day in the shower on my face and body.
      I buy it online, but I have seen it sold in drugstores in the “ethnic” section (maybe Walgreens?), and I’ve seen the Out of Africa brand at Ross.

  4. I no longer own any skirts or dresses like this because it’s not worth it to me to always worry about gusts of wind or subway drafts. There’s A-line, and then there’s floaty, full A-line seeming to beg for a “Bus Stop” moment. Pretty, though.

      1. Ugh. I had close to a “windward” incident this morning on the way to work. The culprit was my wrap dress. Now am sitting at work thinking I totally shouldn’t have worn it to work but, alas, it’s too late now. Keeping my door closed and hoping to see as few people as possible.

    2. This is what one-size-up Spanx is for. The 80’s must be back because I’m wearing bike shorts under my floaty skirts and dresses… they’re just called foundation garments now ;)

      2. Totally love my spanx and was thinking the other day how I must have returned to my elementary school days because I wear shorts under my skirts!

  5. And another threadjack:

    I love peplum, I just wonder if it’s too va-va-voom. I am a 12 up top, a 10 at the waist and have a 14 bottom. I used to be really self conscious about my curves and when I got over it I got way over it and sometimes dressed a little to sexy. So I want another opinion.

    TIA

    1. I don’t think there is anything inherently “too va-va-voom” about peplums. It depends a lot on the piece and the overall outfit. If you love them, go for it.

    2. I had to google what peplum was. Based off of those results, I’d say that it comes down to the actual skirt or dress. I’m always overly cautious on that stuff, too, but I think that many of them would like nice paired well with a cardigan or blazer. Honestly, it is a know your office and yourself deal, but I can see many of them being entirely appropriate.

    3. It can either emphasize your bust or balance it. Not to be ruled out, I think. It can even be modest-izing since it flares, unlike a big belt, which always emphasizes curves but never hides them. The ‘voom comes from proportion exaggeration and contrast, so watch the slimness of the hip/rear/knee when playing with the up-top.

    4. I think that it can be very elegant. It all depends on the overall look of the piece of clothing.

    5. Peplums are meant to emphasize curved hips (or create them, if you don’t have any), so I think it’s good to think about this. Sometimes it’s better not emphasize your features like that at work.

      But some garments could work. Were you thinking about something in particular?

  6. Potential job opportunity for Chicagoland lawyers:
    I’m leaving my job because a great opportunity popped up. But if you or someone you know is an experienced (at least 3-5 years) litigator interested in practicing in the municipal context (everything from premises liability to section 1983, in Cook County Law Division and N.D. Illinois), and would like information about the job opening, email me at nelliesq AT gmaildotcom. I’d love to help my office find someone great to fill the position.

    1. To bad this job is not in NYC. But I do NOT like Chicago anyways, b/c it is way too cold for me. But I am NOT sure I would take your job tho b/c I think I will be best as a law profesor, or a General Council for a big fashion company IN-HOUSE.

      I saw Jamie Diamond on TV. He made alot of money as the manager of J.P. Morgan, but I did NOT understand what the legal issue is with there LONDON office. What hapened there and why did a woman have to loose her job? That is not fair. They always blame a woman for their mistake’s. FOOEY!

  7. I change my mind about what I should be doing ALL. THE. TIME. and it has kept be from actually pursuing something. A few weeks ago someone mentioned to me aptitude testing to help me pick a career but it is very expensive ($800). Does anyone know of any alternatives?

    1. I wonder if you’re not attacking this problem from an ineffective angle. I’d go after the “change my mind” aspect, which sounds like the real dilemma. I doubt seeing test results will give you the conviction to pick a path, stay on it, and focus on moving forward. Maybe find a career coach who can help you process through all the options you already have in front of you and come to a conclusion? Or find a personal coach who can help you with the focus and/or inability to decide?

      1. I have tried a career coach and it didn’t really get me on track. I don’t know if I should try again but work with someone else. I have worked with a therapist who diagnosed me with ADD about a month ago so that has been helpful in my understanding how I process information (and why I get overwhelmed). I am just not really sure what else to try….

          1. Yes. I have been taking medication for 1 month and it has really helped me to process things and keep me from feeling overwhelmed when presented with a lot of information.

    2. My DH went through a similar thing- saw someone who was a career counselor and ended up referred to someone for ADD. Mildly symptomatic and he does not take meds, but made me more aware/sympathetic to how I presented information. Sometimes just knowing how your brain is wired and accepting it is half the battle.

    3. Every single executive I have ever spoke to or heard speak on the matter of fighting your path has recommended the book “What Color is Your Parachute?”

      1. HAHA, what a Freudian Slip, I meant “finding your path”! Indeed I may be fighting mine by having entered the legal profession :)

    4. Nonsequitur, but I just want to add that whenever I try the exercise “What would you do if you didn’t have to work for money?”, I end up in the Office Space conundrum: that is, I would do nothing but sit around all day, and how does one make a career out of that? :) I jokingly told my husband last week as we were discussing my career plans that what makes me happiest is sleeping. He responded, “But you’re horrible at sleeping. You are so restless and get up all the time. Clearly not your best skill set.” We have since determined that my ideal job is a paid sleep study participant. :)

      Helpful(?) point of that story? Lots of people are very confused about what to do “when they grow up.” Good for you for being proactive, but don’t think there’s anything wrong with you because of it.

      1. This is me exactly. Glad I’m not alone. (And I have an advanced degree and a high-paying job, and I don’t like these things, but I really have no idea what would make me happy except it being the weekend all the time.)

      2. This made me lol – I feel the exact same way. I’m trying to sou-search as I look for a new job and I keep thinking of that line from Office Space. :)

        1. Obviously that should say “soul-search” – I guess I don’t have a passion for proof-reading either.

    5. My friend’s wife had very good luck with the book “The Pathfinder” but you apparently have to take it seriously and really do the exercises in it. But YMMV.

    6. Parachute is very good, if you haven’t already read it and done the exercises.

      I also have a friend who really liked the “Now, Find Your Strengths” book (Marcus Buckingham). She actually did telephone consulting with a consultant who is specifically trained in that system who helps people interpret their results in the context of possible career/job paths.

  8. Nice! I’m liking stuff like this for the summer right now.

    In other news, I just bought this: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/shopsale-freshcuts/24165623.jsp to wear to an afternoon wedding (yay sale!!). Any great ideas for accessories? There’s more skin on top than I’m used to showing, so I’m feeling the need for a necklace to feel a little less naked. Also, um, foundation garments? I don’t think any version of a bra is going to work here, but I’m afraid I’ll need some help in that department.

    1. I really like how it is styled in the last picture- hair up, wide brown belt. I think a delicate gold necklace would also look nice. In terms of an under garment, a structured slip?

      1. I do like the hair up. I like the wide belt, too, but I forgot to mention that I’m 20 weeks pregnant. I’ll have to see how it fits, but I might be able to do a narrower belt above my waist. I do like the contrast and definition it provides. Would it be too frou-frou to use a brown ribbon instead of a belt?

        1. Fantastic dress! I think you can definitely add a ribbon for a wedding. It’ll look festive.

          If you’re concerned about too much skin, I’d do a chunky necklace in a light color, though I do think something delicate like a good chain and pendant would look lovely.

          If you want support, you can get one of those bras with stick on sides. I bought one for a dress that had a lace back to wear to a wedding and it worked out great. Not sure what it was called but it was from VS. Not cheap (around $50-60) but it held up great through a whole night of dancing. PS: I don’t usually like VS bras but this one worked out and fwiw I am usually a D cup so I had concerns about staying power ;)

        2. Honestly? I think so. You might be able to get it to work, but I think the structure of a belt would be more helpful in balancing out the light, pretty floatiness of the dress. (Which is gorgeous, by the way!)

          I think a big gold necklace would be great, maybe with some kind of stone/lacquer/something that picks up some of the colors in the floral. Green would be my pick, but then I love emeralds so I’m biased; red would also work too. If you’re worried about feeling naked, add a lightweight cardigan or a wrap.

    2. That’s pretty and would actually go nicely with yesterday’s coffee break (or a similar red chunky necklace…perhaps one custom designed for YOU by our very own Kanye East. :-) She’s already found three lovely red glass beads as suggestions for me and now I have to pick and its hard.)

    3. that is so beautiful. :)

      I like how she is wearing it w/ delicate earrings. I would say add a delicate necklace (or a few). I think a chunky neclace would take away from the overall delicate style.

      1. Also – I bought a bra at a boutique lingerie shop that is strapless with a low back. It had a strap that goes around the stomach for structure but won’t interfere with a 20 week tummy. All that to say, there are bras out there for this dress!

    4. This is gorgeous. Nipple cups? Some sort of bustier-style slip? It may be sort of see-thru.

  9. Cute skirt- but I don’t think I would pay that much for something I couldn’t wear to work…

    I need some advice on networking at conferences. I will be heading to the Forte Foundation’s conference (Forte promotes women in business and they hold an annual conference for female MBA students) at the end of June. I have not been to a similar event in the past and don’t know how to take advantage of all the companies that will be there. I want to make contacts with potential employers and put my name on their mind. How do I do this? Does anyone have advice on how I can make myself stand out? What are some things that you would like a potential employee to know/say? (as a note, I am interested in brand management so will be targeting these companies but also talking to other companies that interest me)

    1. I don’t have a ton of great advice, but you should have business cards (used vistaprint or similar). People are always surprised, even at networking events, when I pull them out without a job. (Well, I guess I should say were surprised. They are still surprised that I have them as a student at events.)

      Collect their cards or names if they don’t give you a card. Link with them on linked in. Remember to send them relevant articles or such that relate to their job or what you discussed with them. (Something that would help with this is creating a cheat sheet for yourself – name, company, overview of topics discussed.)

      If you have what seems to be a good connection or conversation with someone, ask them if you could contact them to continue the conversation.

      Be careful in doing all of these things, of course, that you are speaking with someone with some power. It is good to strike connections in the field generally, but put your greatest efforts towards those that can benefit you the most now (considering your position).

      Best of luck!!

    2. Have an agenda or set of goals. If you are targeting specific companies, have a goal for each one – to talk to a specific person, get your contact info to their HR person, comment on/discuss their website insightfully, find out if they’re hiring, etc.

      Having a goal in mind when you start talking to someone can help you direct the conversation a little bit if it starts to get awkward or if you’re caught off guard.

      Find out who will be there and research them. Look at their LinkedIn profiles (if public) or read their bios on their company websites. Also research the companies so you can have a more in-depth discussion with them than someone who isn’t familiar with them. “Since you brought in that new VP of Communications last fall, it’s been great to see how the company is placing an increased focus on social media marketing…” or whatever.

      I second the advice to connect with them on LI. Withing 24-48 hours. And reference your conversation with them in the invitation to connect – they will have met so many people at the event.

      As part of your goals or agenda planning, try to come up with a good reason to follow up, and a timeline. After talking about underwater basketweaving with them, say “I did a paper on that last semester, I found some pretty interesting things in my research. When I get back next week, I’d love to send you one specific article I’m thinking of that evaluates some of the challenges in the industry. Could I get your e-mail?”

    3. There was a great discussion on networking on this site a few weeks ago. The best tip I gleaned from it is that since an entire room is overwhelming, remembering that making something like 3 good contacts at each event is perfectly sufficient. Don’t be intimidated by a need to talk to *everyone.*

  11. Anyone have recommendations for a hair dryer? I’ve bought regular Conairs for years and my most recent purchase just died. I’m willing to put in more money for a hair dryer that really does the job effectively and FAST. Can anyone vouch for those T3 hair dryers? Any other recs?

    1. I bought the Sedu Revolution a few months ago and I love it. It was my first non-Conair one, so I can’t compare it to the T3, but it dries my hair waaaay faster than the Conair.

      1. I have a Solano. Its pretty amazing. I can’t vouch for the T3s, but I can say that, generally, an expensive, professional-quality hairdryer is worth the money. They definitely dry faster and with less damage.

      2. I also love my Sedu Revolution! I can always tell how much faster it dries my hair, but I don’t think I fully appreciated how much better it is for my hair until this weekend when I had to use a cheap hotel hair dryer (not the white mounted on the wall kind–it was a silver full-size, but nothing super fancy). My hair was fried and unmanageable all weekend from that thing.

      3. I also have the Sedu Revolution 4000i. It replaced my 5 yr old T3, which I also loved, but the Sedu Revolution is better. I have long, thick, wavy hair.

    2. I bought the T3 and returned it in a week. It wasn’t powerful enough. I love the Solano
      SuperSolano 3600 Ion Micro Professional Hair Dryer. You can order it from wwwDOTfolicaDOTcom.

    5. I broke down and bought a T3 last year. Having only ever owned crap hairdryers from the drugstore, let me assure you that yes, the T3 is worth it. I was on the fence about spending so much, but I love mine.

    6. I bought a T3 (the featherweight) last fall after my old one died. I like it, but can see how it might not have enough power for some people. It only has a high and low setting. I do like that it is not super heavy though. You can go into places like Ulta and try them out at the display. Whatever you decide, check Overstock and Amazon. I found the T3 on Overstock for a substantial discount.

    7. I just bought a new dryer, and it comes today! I was contemplating the T3, but my hair dresser said the Turbo Power Twin Turbo was better and cheaper than the T3 (I have shorter fine hair). The Turbo Power is made by the same Italian company that makes the Parlux, an even higher end dryer. When browsing, I thought the Sedu Revolution and Solano looked good too.

    8. I was going to buy an expensive hair dryer when my last when crapped out, but I ended up getting the Conair Infiniti instead. It dries much quicker than my old bottom-of-the-line Conair and I’ve had it for a couple of years with no issues. Whenever anyone borrows it they always comment on how quickly it dries! (Bonus: it is bright orange :) )

    9. I have a T3. I bought mine about 4.5 years ago, and I’m on my third one. It’s a big upgrade from a Conair, but a less impressive upgrade from the 60-dollar dryer I had before. Thankfully, at the time I purchased from Sephora, the T3 had a 4 year warranty (and replacement through T3 has been prompt and painless). I think the warranty is only 2 years now, so I would not drop $300 on one at this point. I would also not purchase on Amazon, even though it’s cheaper b/c the warranty is not valid. When my current dryer croaks, I’ll probably get a Sedu based on the folica dot com reviews.

    10. I’ve posted on here before about how much I love my T3. It finally died a couple of weeks ago (had it for 3-4 years or so? Possibly longer, the years just fly by these days), but I loved it while I had it. I had bought a Super Solano in the meantime, for the gym, at the recommendation of my hair guy, and at first I thought it took longer to dry my hair – but I use it at home now, have timed it and determined that it just takes about 5 minutes to dry (My hair is pretty thick but layered, and in length is about 2 inches above my bra strap). So I’d recommend either one, the T3 or the Super Solano. There is no doubt in my mind that they are worth the extra $$, though it took a long time for me to take the leap from my $20 conair ion dryer.

  12. This is a TJ for all the C*rprette Marathon runners.

    I have a friend who is running her first marathon this Sunday. I thought I was going to be able to be there to support her, but my family will still be in town because of graduation (Saturday!) so I will have to show them around. So I want to get her a “good luck” basket with things for before, during, and/or after the race, but apart from some energy chews, I don’t know what to include.

    What should I get?

    2. What a sweet idea! You probably shouldn’t focus on before/during the race, I think — most marathoners, especially first-timers, have figured out their routines and foods and equipment long before the race, and variations on race day tend to be a very bad idea. So unless you know what foods/energy drinks/socks she’s been training with, I’d focus on post-race ideas. Only exceptions there: (1) iron-on letters or something to put her name on her running singlet; or (2) if she doesn’t already have it, Mia Hamm has a sunscreen that is sold in running stores, and it is the BOMB. Sunscreen is a really easy thing to forget to do, and it’s critical.

      My thoughts for post-race: massage or pedicure gift card; celebratory food or wine (the pint of ice cream and beer I had after my first marathon were the best food ever), especially if she’s been forgoing anything because of training; bath salts or other bath treats; one of those 26.2 magnets for her car. I’ve also been meaning to buy one of those shadowbox frames to hold my medal and finish photos, so that might be a nice thing as well.

      Good luck to her!

      1. Agreed — if she doesn’t know it already, it is a bad idea to try anything new on race day (food, clothing, etc.) because you never know how your body will react over the many miles. I would even stay away from the offer of sunscreen; she should be wearing it, but not one she’s not familiar with. I think Matilda’s ideas for post-race treats are fantastic. Maybe even include an offer to take her out for beers next week, as I’m sure she’ll want to celebrate!

    3. What a lovely idea, and how thoughtful of you. I would include some fluffy socks (nothing feels better on sore swollen feet) and some of her favorite snacks. I don’t know how much money you want to spend, but a gift certificate of any size towards a massage would be wonderful.

  13. Ladies, please assure me that not all guys are dissatisfied with a lack of physical perfection (or whatever the heck ‘physicality’ means)?

    And that at least some percentage of men are more than happy with “reasonably in shape and physically active”?

    1. Yes there are definitely men out there who are happy with “reasonably in shape and physically active”! I had an ego-bruising incident many years ago with an ex-bf whom I overheard saying to our couples therapist that I looked great in clothes but not so great out of them. I have struggled with my weight my whole life and, at the time, was pretty thin, but I have always had a belly and/or extra skin on my belly and no money for a tummy tuck. I was devastated and we almost broke up over it but lasted a little while longer. I can happily say that now, when I fuss about my belly, my current SO tells me that he just doesn’t even see the flaws I obsess over. He just sees me.

      1. Not to make light of what is an extremely extremely personal thing…but we ALL (with maybe the exception of a few models) look much much better in clothes than without them. That’s like 70% of the reason they exist!

        And my husband is the same way, he just doesn’t notice all the flaws that I obsess over. Sounds like the current SOs a keeper. :-)

        1. See, I think curvier ladies tend to look better naked than skinny models who look fanstastic in designer clothes. Clothes tend to turn my wobbly bits to lumps and bulges that never quite seem to properly fit inside the clothes, but in the nude I can squint and pretend I look like a renaissance painting of Venus or something.

          1. Ha, I was gonna say the same, I think I look much, much better naked and flat on my back, hhaha!

            That said, I had many relationships with men like that in the past, and my husband is *so* different.

            I finally figured out that the real difference is that he actually *Loves ME*. ha, whouda thunk THAT was the problem? But, it was!

          2. Oh…I don’t mean traditional runway models (who by the way look scaaarrry.) But there’s a couple of them who are curvy who have it going on. Mostly who do the suits and the undie modeling. Meh…genetic freaks. Its kind of like being jealous of Michael Phelps, isn’t going to get me anywhere.

        2. Thanks, TCFKAG! He’s a pretty special guy. The first man ever in my life to tell me I’m beautiful. He worships my muscular legs and is definitely one of those “omg, breasts!” kind of guys!

      2. Why do I have a sneaking suspiscion that Mr. Looks-not-so-great-out-of-clothes looks not so great out of clothes himself?

        2. I was about to say the same! I’ve seen bald, pot-bellied men be the most critical of women’s appearance. It’s always projection, I think.

          1. Seriously. It’s always the overweight bald ones who feel entitled to make the rudest comments. I don’t know where they get off! Is it just a gender power thing, like “sure lots of guys who look like me are rich, successful and have hot wives”?

            As Lauryn Hill might say to these jerks: You might win some, but you just lost one. Hold your head high, OP, and do what’s best for you. I have a friend who broke up with her BF of 5 years over comments like this, and it was a huge upheaval but she has not regretted it for a minute.

    2. Not only are not all guys looking for physical perfection, but the ones that are looking for physical perfection exclusively tend to be jerks and you’re probably better off without them.

        1. Agreed. I’ve never had a boyfriend nitpick at me about my body; and back in the day where I verbally shamed my body, the then-BF would always just look at me like I’d sprouted a third eyeball and say he didn’t see whatever I was working myself up over. I also find it helpful to remind myself that it is a giant privilege to see me naked, as seeing me naked exponentially increases the dude in question’s chances of enjoying a Special Adult Sleepover, and that any man who is unhappy with the idea of that can GTFO.

          In other words, that dude is a DOOSH. He sounds absolutely foul and not worthy of your time or attention.

    3. Yes, my SO for one! I met him at my highest weight, and he didn’t even notice when I lost 30 pounds. He says as long as I am cuddly and soft, he really doesn’t care how big or small I am.

      I’m sorry you got your ego bruised, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet. You are just fine the way you are, and hopefully you will meet someone who appreciates that.

    4. And I should have said I’m really sorry this happened to you. Some men just suck. I’m sure you are just fine the way you are!

    5. Oh yes, they exist !

      Although it can be off-putting. My SO really doesn’t care what I look like or what I wear, which is part good (since my looks are more likely to stop ships than to launch them ) and part frustrating (because no matter how dolled up I am, he’s oblivious).

      Oh well :)

    6. The great irony of dating websites are the number of chunky or generally unfit guys looking only for “fit” women (read tiny.) And they wonder why they’re single.

      Men who are into only women of a single, perfect shape aren’t worth your time. The man who is worth your time will be into YOUR shape and will only encourage you to work out or eat well because it makes you happy and healthier and not because it makes you a better object for him to possess. And they’re out there. Hand to god.

      1. This. So much this. OP, I’m so sorry someone made you feel like you’re not awesome just the way you are. I assure you that you are, and that there are men out there who will make you feel gorgeous whether you’re a size 2 or 22.

        My husband met me at my highest weight, and swears he was just as attracted to me then as he is now that I am approximately 25lbs lighter. He encourages me to eat well and exercise because I feel better when I do so, but has never, ever made me feel like I need to look a certain way for him (and has encouraged me that he finds me beautiful when I made comments about my weight or shape).

        For what it’s worth, I return the favor. He’s at his highest weight since we met now, and while we’re both trying to eat better and exercise for health reasons, I still think he’s the best and most handsome guy I know. If he never lost another pound I’d still be totally over the moon for him.

    7. One of my friends (who is really lovely) was told by her (former) boyfriend — “you’d be pretty if you tried.” This was as she was going through a surgery residency, working 80 hours a week, yada yada yada. She’s now married to the most lovely guy, who would never in a million years say something like that.

      Also? My husband is a total exercise freak, has the metabolism of a rabbit. I am a size 12/14, not perfect, ect. He adores me. (And I him).

      They are out there and there are many great ones. That guy was a DOOSH.

      1. See…here’s where I differ from other woman I think. If someone said something like that to me, I’d probably punch them in the face. This is probably why I didn’t date too much before I met my husband. No tolerance for dooshes or fools.

    8. My dh of 18 years has always told me he thinks I’m attractive & sexy – through 3 full term pg, 3 m/c, and all the ups & downs that went along with it. THe only comment he’s ever made was, when I was about 5 mo along with our first & getting changed “You’re the biggest 5 mo pg lady I’ve ever seen!” My response was “That’s because I’m the only naked 5mo pg lady you’ve ever seen!” and even that wasn’t a bad comment (but I was SO not impressed at the time).

      I’d consider myself reasonably in shape & physically active. I’ve always tried to get excercise when I can, even though I’ve never considered myself to be an athlete.

      Hang in there – you’ll find someone who loves you for you, not the way you look, and they won’t care about your weight unless it’s impacting your health. Anyone who wants you to be physically perfect (whatever that means) is not someone you want a long term relationship with!! What happens if you get pg, or some medical condition that affects your weight? Will he leave you because you’re no longer perfect? FOOEY on him!

    9. This is probably even more embarrassing, but the DOOSH wasn’t a one-off date. I’ve been dating him for quite awhile. And have heard this before. And weigh less than I did when we started dating, unlike him.

      Honestly, I’m more upset that I’ve been putting up with this. I’m sure most people would think I’m an idiot and any reasonably strong woman would have dumped him at the first hint of this.

      Also, he’s bald (which doesn’t bother me) and could stand to lose 20 lbs of his own.

      1. Don’t be embarrassed. That’s exactly the situation I was in! I put up with a lot more crap in my 20s because I wasn’t as confident. Take care of yourself!

      2. Don’t beat yourself up – I think most of us have stayed longer than we should have, trying to give a guy the benefit of the doubt.

      4. Don’t beat yourself up over this.

        Romantic relationships bring their own set of emotional issues and insecurities. While I don’t think this guy is being at all fair or supportive of you, if you’ve been dating him a while and have developed an attachment, it’s actually harder to end things/address these kind of disrespect issues because you’re already at least a little invested in him.

        I think you deserve better than this kind of behavior and thought. But don’t pile on yourself as being weak or somehow defective for putting up with this, in addition to the abuse he’s sending your way. You’re fantastic. Take care of yourself.

      5. “any reasonably strong woman would have dumped him at the first hint of this.”

        Giving people the benefit of the doubt is not a personality flaw. Protect that about yourself because it’s part of what makes you fabulous, but also don’t be afraid to call people out on their BS.

        Can I just say how much I <3 this community for all these supportive comments? Y'all are awesome :)

      6. Not your fault at all, so don’t blame yourself! But every day you’re with someone who makes you feel bad, you miss an opportunity to spend time with people who make you feel good. So I humbly suggest you dump his critical a$$.

        1. Thanks (I think I forgot to say that earlier).

          I only wish I could use being in my 20s as an excuse — I think I put up with less crap then.

          He’s not always horrid, it’s just that this is starting to outweigh the good and I can’t see having this issue hanging over my head forever.

          We had just been discussing e-rings and wedding plans this weekend– I really think he’s totally clueless about how upset I am about this. He knew I was peeved last night after this convo (and tried to argue the whole ‘just being honest’ crap) . Then he tried to pretend everything was peachy keen and was being verbally affectionate (WTH?).

          I’m out of town now (thank goodness). A few nights alone is most welcome. Emotions are doing multiple 180s.

          Also, I hate that I’ve been crying on and off all day.

          Thank you again for the comments — I really can’t discuss this with any of my ‘real life friends’ right now for a variety of reasons.

          2. If you are talking marriage, definitely go back to the thread a couple of days ago about not ignoring red flags!

          3. It sounds like his comments are really getting to you – and that to me is the bigger problem. He’s making you feel bad about yourself, and soon you may begin to doubt yourself entirely and/or feel like nobody will love you except for him. I had an ex-bf who was like that. He sucked.

            There’s a huge difference between supportive comments about your weight/health, versus criticisms. One example of a supportive comment: my cousin was pregnant and was worried about getting her figure back. Her husband said that they’d hire a personal trainer for her. I remember my aunt finding it hugely offensive, but I think it’s a perfectly appropriate and supportive comment. My cousin wanted her figure back, and her husband was trying to help her achieve that. Example of an unsupportive comment: NOLA’s comment above. What a jerk!

          4. Agree with CW (and all the other comments here) there is a huge difference between being supportive and being critical and negative. I’ve had weight problems my whole life, but when I started dating my SO I put on 30 pounds in two years. I really did not realize how bad it had gotten until I looked at a picture of us from the beginning compared with a picture of us now. Anyway, he never said ONE word and didn’t really seem to notice. It certainly didn’t bother him or “turn him off” in any way.

            At the beginning of this year, I told him that my #1 goal this year was to get back in shape. He said to do whatever I feel is necessary he will support me 100%. He has since cooked dinner while I run, come out to support me at my first 10k in 4 years, delayed his plans so I can get in my hour on the treadmill, and been my biggest cheerleader ALWAYS in a non-“this is because you were so gross before” way. Also, as I start getting excited about how much better I feel (even though I’ve only lost 13 pounds, I mean really!?!? Stupid body.) He has been consistent about listening, cheering me on, again, supportive never critical.

            Finally, my SO was married before (she passed away) and in their lives together she gained and lost about 50 pounds pretty regularly. At the end when she got sick she was on medication that made her gain all that 50 pounds plus about 100 of their little friends. And he took professional photos with her that he keeps up to this day, because he still thought she was beautiful, no matter what her weight.

            There are good ones out there, you can find one.

          5. CA Atty – I’m so glad you’ve found someone so supportive. He sounds great.

            The last bit about his late first wife? It made me tear up at my desk it was so sweet.

          7. Oh, please, please don’t get engaged until this issue has been resolved to your satisfaction. You might think you can always break off the engagement, but it’s so hard to stop that train once it’s rolling.

          8. Oh, no worries on the getting engaged thing while this is hanging over my head.

            I think a lot of this comes from his own issues and is his way of being encouraging — for what it’s worth – he doesn’t directly say I’m overweight or gross — but instead starts on a semi-rant when I’m not as gung-ho about working out and eating right as he thinks I should be. That’s no excuse, however, for being mean.

            Thanks again

          9. Ego Bruised – I think that’s his way of saying he doesn’t like you as you are.

            You deserve much better. Or at least someone who will acknowledge your feelings when you’re upset and feel awful and sincerely address the issue. If he’s not doing that, it’s kind of a deal-breaker in my book.

            I am by no means thin. My bf just sent me a Groupon asking if I wanted to get boudoir photographs. I asked him if this is because of some unresolved issue we’ve been fighting about in the last few days? He said, no, “It’s because you’re gorgeous.”

            These dudes are out there.

          10. I don’t know if you’re still reading, but I am going to plead with you – DO NOT marry a man who claims not to find you physically attractive. Don’t buy his argument that he’s just being honest, and that you get along so well in other areas so you should just move forward as-is. You would be setting yourself up for a miserable life with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with you. But unless he truly is a rare asexual type, he will want to sleep with *someone* (or someones) during your marriage, just not you. Whether he acts on it or not is another thing, but it will not make for a happy marriage. I’ve had friends in this situation and it 100% sucks.

      7. OK, here’s the thing. It happens. It happens to smart women, confident women, women who “should know better.” It happened to me.

        Met husband at 19 in college (Seven Sisters/12 college exchange). Married at 24. Started law school (Top 20) at 26. Both from upper middle class families with professional parents (3 doctors and a lawyer). Not trying to show off — just pointing out that someone could have said that I “should have known better” or “should have been strong enough to leave.”

        Well, I wasn’t.

        He exercised like a fiend. Eventually became an amateur triathlete. And constantly tried first to encourage me to be more fit (in the early years of our relationship). Later, he told me that he wasn’t attracted to me, couldn’t bear to have s#x with me, no longer felt the same about me — all because I wasn’t in shape. Um, hello, I am in law school, on Law Review, graduating Coif, and got a BigLaw permanent offer. So I’m a little busy. Also? I am 5’2″ and weigh 113 pounds, so I’m not huge.

        This is me, at 45, knowing what I know now. At the time, I assumed he was right and I should be running daily and eating better on top of everything else. Because then our life and our marriage would be perfect, right?

        During the first year after law school graduation, I learned he had been having an affair since the beginning of third year (about a year long). That was the final straw for me: I asked him to move out that day and we divorced immediately.

        Why did my 29 year old self need an affair to call it quits? Why wasn’t the way he had been treating me enough to tell me I needed out? Don’t know. But thought I would share that it is harder to leave a bad marriage that hasn’t had any egregious event than to leave after a bad event like an affair. At least it was for me.

        I hope you can take some time to think carefully about whether you want to marry this guy.

        1. PS: The irony is that I am now in better shape than I have ever been, thanks to a husband to exercises with me and cooks and eats healthy food with me because we like to spend the time together, not because he is trying to engineer me. Now, he is also the father of 2 kids (my stepkids) and so has lived through the reality of a woman’s body changing over decades and dealing with poopy diapers and all the other realities that help second wives get the better deal (in my opinion).

    10. I know this isn’t what you’re asking…but…

      Since I met my now-husband I’ve had several major surgeries that have left me permanently disfigured, mostly on parts of my body that are covered by clothes. It wasn’t like my body was perfect before, but now when I look in the mirror its painful. And yet my husband still tells me I’m beautiful, because he’s amazing and loves me and not all men are like that. I suppose he could have run for the hills when he realized what exactly I was going to look like naked, but he didn’t because that’s not what good men do.

      1. I’ve mentioned before that my bf has some facial scars. He thinks he isn’t very good looking. I think he is fantastically handsome. :)

        PS: It helps that he’s perfect. :)

    11. Some (most?) men don’t care about this. I’ve always ranged from chunky to outright fat and have never had any problems finding boyfriends (well, I’m married now, but I didn’t back then). In fact, during my marriage I went from 140 up to 230 – my husband still found me attractive, wanted to make love, and never said a negative word about the way I looked. Now I’ve lost 70lbs and he STILL finds me attractive despite the extra skin around the belly (ugh ugh ugh) and the stretch marks.

      Some men are definitely more “into” the superficial aspects, and that’s okay. They’re balancing an equation in their head and coming to a decision about what’s most important for them in a relationship. Others don’t figure looks quite so highly on the totem pole of needs and wants. What I’ve found through my ups and downs with weight is that it’s your confidence about who you are and how you look that ends up being more attractive to people (not just men) than your physical appearance.

      Sorry your ego is bruised. I am way sensitive about my body and the way I look, so I feel your pain. It’s hard for me not to walk into a room and wonder if everyone is judging just how fat I really am. Paranoia and narcissism FTW?

    12. Everything the ladies said so far. Don’t feel bad. There are insecure men who may be thinking along those lines, but they are NOT the majority. Be confident and love yourself for who you are. :)

    13. Thanks for this everyone. I’m on the dating scene and weigh more than I would like. My last relationship fell apart for many reasons but part of it was that he felt I wasn’t working out enough (while trying to bill 200 hours per month).

      In the Silicon Valley, it seems like every guy wants a perfect 00, half Asian/half white, “americanized” girl in her mid-twenties who is “not materialistic” (but dresses at the height of fashion), into geek-stuff (or sports) and bicycling. And they honestly think she’s out there and she’d be attracted to a mid-level engineer who just barely makes 6 figures. /bitter rant

      1. *SNORT*! Man, karenpadi, true story. I’ve dated guys like that, though my exes are more of the startup-founder variety than the pure engineers, and been dumped for those girls. You forgot the part where the goal girl is ambitious, went to a really good school, and wants to give it all up to worship the guy. Funny thing is, those relationships always seem to fall apart, and those guys then want to be friends with me. Just not date me. We should get drinks soon and laugh at the ridiculousness that is the Valley.

        1. We will! I’m starting to think about the next meet-up in the Bay Area. I’ll send out an email asking for venue suggestions in the East Bay sometime this week.

        2. Oh good god, when I lived in San Diego it was horrific. I remember listening to the radio once and they had people call in to say what they liked least about the dating pool and all the girls called in to say that the guys were so fixated on the perfect blond tan beach bunny that all us normal folks didn’t have a chance! And all the guys called in to say that all the perfect blond beach bunnies they dated were so fake and shallow and materialistic…but that’s all they’re attracted to and why would they date someone they’re not attracted to!?!?

        3. Yes, can it involve alcohol? I promise I will finally come! I’ve had a lot of conflicts previously, and I wanna meet you all!!!

      5. Ugh. A good friend of mine lives in SW Florida. She is short, has a pixie hair cut, is a little curvy/soft but not overweight and has a small chest. She rarely wears makeup b/c she works w/ premies in the hospital and has to be constantly sterile. She is super athletic and has an awesome job.

        Guys are consistently telling her that they love her as a friend but she is “not their type” to date. They then date a tall blonde w/ long hair and big boobs and complain to her all the time that the new g/f is materialistic, money grubbing, dumb, not athletic, whatever. (Types the tall blonde with big boobs but I digress.) It just makes me SO mad that guys can’t seem to get past her short hair and different from p*rn movies beauty. They want someone w/ the model’s looks and her interests and personality. I think she is adorable and beautiful but there are so many guys (apparently particularly in online dating) that say NO SHORT HAIR. Grrrrr.

        1. No short hair, that’s a thing in Florida too, huh? I have a pixie too and many friends (including my dad) think I should grow it out “at least until I find a boyfriend”.

          Your friend sounds awesome.

        2. Frankly, form what you’ve said so far about these guys that complain to your friend, neither of them is probably worth it anyway. They sound like total jerks. I hope your friend finds someone who loves her for who she is. There are nice and worthy guys out there.
          On another note, my husband likes me much more with short hair than with long hair! There is hope…

      6. Karenpadi, no advice but hugs to you and good luck with the dating. Those guys can keep chasing after their perfect 22 year old 95 pounds bicyclist if they want to, but they are obviously hurting themselves…because she is (very likely) going to reject them and because they are missing out on all the other beautiful and talented women out there. So, they are idiots. Keep your chin up! Also- working out (or doing much of anything) while billing 200+ a month is HARD!

    14. Yes. I’d say a large % actually.
      I think there’s also a combination of guys being less observant and that your own flaws are much more noticeable to you.
      Case in point: I was at breakfast this morning with my SO (we’ve been dating 3 1/2 years) and he goes “wow your right eye is a different shape than the left.” and proceeded to try and gauge the concaveness using a straw as a diagram.
      I had surgery to fix a detached retina in my teens, so a small chunk of my right eye is missing. It is * noticeable* and I’m somewhat self conscious about it. Not only could my SO not care less, but it took him over 4 years of seeing me everyday to notice.
      Brush it off, you can do better!

      1. I think this is 100% right. I also think that most of what women think are “flaws” are not viewed that way by men. For most guys, the range of which women are “hot” is much larger than we tend to believe.

    15. Jeesh – there are a lot of positive messages in this thread, and I generally agree with them – but no one is really addressing the fact that looks are important. Being overweight is generally a bad thing! Let’s just get that out there. Too much weight can lead to health issues (diabetes, heart disease, etc.) and may be a symptom of some other emotional issue that you are inappropraitely addressing with food. I think that is why being too heavy is an unattractive quality. I don’t think anyone is looking for the epitome of physical perfection in a SO, or if they are they are not after the right things, but how someone looks and treats their body are important.

      1. The reason we didn’t point that out is because the OP states that she’s active and in pretty decent shape. Even if she’s overweight, she stated that she’s lost weight and is presumably working to take off any extra pounds she still has hanging on.

        But thanks for making me feel even worse about my (thinner, but still overweight) body than I already did today. That kind of thing is exactly what I or the OP need when we’re feeling bad about ourselves already.

      2. I just don’t think that’s relevant. OP said she’s active and in decent shape. Plus, she mentioned that she’s actually lost weight during this relationship, which is pretty rare. Most people gain when they get into relationships.

        Also, there’s a lot of information out there about what is and is not healthy, and weight is not generally a good predictor of…well…ANYTHING. Someone who is super skinny but can’t run more than 10 steps is actually less healthy and more at risk for much of what you mention than someone who is 200 pounds and can run a marathon. Also, that cr*p about “may be a symptom for emotional issues” is just that, cr*p. A very few people, maybe. But even so, someone generally falls in love with a PERSON, not a body, not a set of medical tests, a PERSON.

      3. Wow. I um, don’t really know where to start responding to this, but I feel like someone needs to.

        I. There are degrees of “overweight,” that often depend heavily on factors like genetics, that are completely outside of a person’s control. To suggest that most (or even many) people are overweight because they have emotional issues that they are inappropriately addressing with food, is one of the most ludicrous, unsubstantiated, and downright offensive things I’ve heard in a while.

        II. Appearing “overweight” does not necessarily have any implications for a person’s well-being or level of physical activity. I can remember from back in HS that there was a girl who ran for another cross country team in my area–she was quite stocky (it had to have all been muscle, but it didn’t look like it), so you would never look at her and think, “That girl won a state championship in distance running,” but she didn’t let that stop her from, you know, winning the things (multiple times). I can’t comment on her diet, but I know she was running 50-70 miles per week. If that’s not treating your body right, I don’t know what is.

        1. III: “Too much weight” has been correlated with all of those terrifying health conditions, but to my knowledge no one has been able to prove that it causes them. Last I read, a sedentary lifestyle and a poor diet were more likely to cause diabetes, heart disease, etc. etc. etc. than visually presenting as “overweight.” So if someone is treating her body right–feeding it a balanced diet with fruits, veggies, and whole grains, combined with a moderate amount of her preferred type of physical activity–she should not be worrying about her weight, unless her physician tells her she needs to, and I’m pretty sure you’re not a physician or you wouldn’t have said what you just did.

          IV. “Being too heavy is an unattractive quality.” This is not true. It may be true for you, but it is not true for every man and woman out there who is looking for a partner. Do you not think that clinically obese people have sex lives? Have you not walked down a street and seen two people larger than yourself (or one plus-sized person and one smaller-sized person) holding hands? Going on dates? Smiling stupidly at each other on park benches?

        2. Thank you!

          — Overweight healthy-eater, frequent-exerciser, with no emotional issues being addressed by food

          PS: There are many of us out there. Don’t make assumptions.

          1. Co-signed.

            Some of us have lousy metabolisms or medical issues that make it difficult for us to lose weight.

      4. It is ridiculous to suggest that being overweight is healthy. I am not talking about a few extra pounds that everyone puts on now and again, or those who are physically “heavy” becuase of muscle mass, I am talking about being overweight because of too much body fat, or even obese (which so many people are, and do not realize). Perhaps using the phraseology “lead to” was a mistatement, so I will take that back, but certainly, extra weight stresses your body and those who have too many pounds are at a higher risk for various health complications.

        Likewise, I am not suggesting that anyone should be too thin, or lead an unhealthy lifestyle. Just the opposite, I am saying it is attractive to maintain a good body weight (measured by BMI) and treat your body well (eat well, exercise, sun block, etc.).

        …and if you have bad “genes,” which so many people blame being overweight on, then you should eat less, eat healthy, and move more. Your battle to be healthy is that much more difficult, but should not be an excuse.

        1. Actually, BMI is one of the worst measures of ‘good body weight’ there is. It was *never* intended to use as a measure of ‘good’ weight in individuals. It was a statistical tool only. And because it doesn’t differentiate between bone/muscle/fat weight, it places many people with healthy body-fat percentages in the ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’ categories.

          1. Thanks. This is one of my pet peeves, but I thought my eyeballs would dribble out of my head if I explained it to one. more. person. (not on here, just in life.)

          2. Seattleite, a., how do you recommend one measure one’s weight? BMI is the only measure that a physician has ever used on me, and that I have seen physicians regularly and routinely use for their patients.

          3. I, personally, don’t recommend one measure one’s weight at all, because it is by no means the most useful indicator of health or fitness; but that aside, body fat percentage.

          4. This. Dh’s dr told him that BMI is not the most important factor determining what a person’s weight should be. My dh is considered overweight by his BMI, but because of his build (broad shoulders, barrel chested, long torso & short legs) he would be unhealthy if his weight were in the ‘normal’ range.

            I’ve heard that the waist-hip ratio is much more reliable, but I’m not a dr or anything.

          5. If your doctor is only using BMI and not using other reference points (like general appearance and blood work and your reported health), then you have a s*cky doctor.

            My BMI is through the roof but I promise you I’m not overweight. And my doctors roll their eyes when I mention a desire to lose weight (due to my many many medical conditions, weight-loss is contra-indicated). So…yeah, BMI was invented as a broad based statistical tool intended to measure health over a general population. It is an imprecise tool at best for measuring the health of individuals.

        2. Please go read some scientific literature before you post on weight again. I also don’t know why you put quotations around genes–they are, you know, a real thing, and approximately 10 bajillion studies have shown their importance in a person’s response to dieting and exercise regimes.

          1. a., I would be happy to read any literature that you would like to point me to. Especially peer-reviewed scholarly research that support points I. through IV., above, and go further to contradict my main point that being overweight (again, with body fat not muscle mass), or obese, is unhealthy.

            Also, I am interested in knowing if you are a doctor, and/or if you have struggled with weight, if you are comfortable sharing.

          2. I’d be happy to share it with you! Have to dash at this moment, but I’ll post some links in the afternoon thread.

        3. And you really find it to be appropriate to shame and belittle a person who came here looking for support? And for whom this advice is not relevant, as she has lost weight and is active?

          I’d also point out that just because someone is “heavy” (whatever that means – obese? “Lumpy”? Just heavy enough not to be attractive to you?) does not mean that they are not working on better habits, and judging all “heavy” people as unhealthy is, frankly, extremely offensive.

          Let’s take me, for example. I’ve struggled on and off with my weight my entire life. After several years of consulting doctors, it came to light that I suffer from PCOS, and likely have since puberty (when my weight gain began). I’m on medication to make losing weight easier, but it’s still difficult given my hormonal imbalances. I eat well, consult a nutritionist and I work out, and I’m trying very hard to live a healthier lifestyle. I’ve lost 18lbs in the past few months, and still have much more to go.

          However, you wouldn’t know any of that by just looking at me. You’d see my size 16, lumpy self and evidently just assume that I’m lazy or emotionally eating. And that, frankly, is absolutely unhelpful.

          I certainly hope that no one ever judges you as harshly as you have judged those who are overweight for something that you struggle with daily. I hope that no one ever paints you with such a broad brush when you put forth effort to control something that, often, feels very much out of your control.

          1. ELS, I am sorry that you have struggled, but am happy for you that you identified the source of your weight issue. That must be somewhat of a relief. There was certainly no shaming or belittlement meant by my comment at all whatsoever to either OP, you or anyone else. I am just pointing out an obvious point that it is a good thing to maintain a healthy body weight.

        4. Associette, if you’re actually interested in reading something about why BMI is an imprecise and unhelpful tool for individual measurement.

          You can start with this article, though there are many more on the internet:
          http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106268439

          But one of the chief reasons BMI is so imprecise is that, for any given individual, it can be completely destroyed based on their bone density and or muscle mass. So without knowing your muscle density, bone density, and waist measurement, BMI cannot determine obesity. It is (as the article discusses) a statistical tool for populations, which therefore smooths out those issues, but not really for “people”.

          But lets just say that when I was a *very* serious swimmer, working out 24 hours a week, and bench-pressing my body-weight, my BMI put me in the obese range. Do you think my pediatrician ever told me I should lose weight? No. Because she had eyes and a mind.

          1. My husband is extremely tall and, to be in 100% “normal” BMI range, he would pretty much have to weigh the same as he did as fresh out of high-schooler, coming off being a full time long distance/cross country runner. Riiiight… because that wouldn’t look sickly/gross/weird/abnormal on somebody 10+ years older.

            BMI is completely ridiculous. Sure, it can be a rough measure for people, but I don’t get the utter fascination with it.

      6. As a fatty who treats her body well, I must say that you’re completely off the mark.

        Gross generalizations (ya’ll see what I did there?) like “How someone looks and treats their body are important” imply that overweight/fat people don’t take care of their bodies and therefore don’t look good. That’s a shaming techniques on par with outright saying “Fatties don’t take care of their body”, and it’s not helpful for anyone’s health to be shamed.

        How I treat my body is a completely distinct thing from what I look like. Health is more than what someone looks like- it’s a lifestyle, and that lifestyle can be different from one person to another based on genetics, physiological limitations, location, and economics.

        If anyone would like to know more about health and not weight, I encourage you to check out Health At Every Size (HAES). It’s amazing, and it’s certainly changed a lot of lives for the better (mine included!)

      7. How someone looks and treats their body may be important, but it is more important to be kind.

    16. i hope it’s OK to quote from a book here
      From Bossypants, Tina Fey

      “I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style. That was the first time that having a large-scale situation in the back was part of mainstream American beauty. Girls wanted butts now. Men were free to admit that they had always enjoyed them. And then, what felt like moments later, boom – Beyonce brought the leg meat. A back porch and thick muscular legs were now widely admired. And fromt hat day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful. Now every girl is expected to have:
      Caucasian blue eyes
      full Spanish lips
      a classic button nose
      hairless Asian skin with a California tan
      a Jamacian dance hall a55
      long Swedish legs
      small Japanese feet
      the abs of a lesbian gym owner
      the hips of a nine-year-old boy
      the arms of Michelle Obama
      and doll t1ts”

      (highly recommend the book, by the way!)

      2. I know, when i read this I Laughed. So. Hard!! she is soooo right on!! thanks for the reminder, mamabear. ;o)

      3. I have got to pick that book up! If only my “too read” bookshelf weren’t already straining the limits of my nook. But I’ve seen that quote a couple times and it is truly awesome.

      4. That is the awesome. I have her audiobook version of this, I think it’s getting cued up for my next flight.

        1. Ooh – the audiobook is great. Just imagine how funny the passage above would be when actually read by Tina Fey. :)

        2. I’m listening to the audiobook right now on long drives for work. Hilarious. She’s fantastic. And the lessons are so good! Tons of lessons about how to deal with a male-dominated workplace, body image, etc.

        3. careful about reading/listening on a flight/in public if you are anything like me and have a tendency to laugh out loud! I was laughing SO HARD i am sure I sounded like a lunatic, and I just couldn’t be quiet. ;o) so, I had to save her book for when i was in the privacy of my own home and could laugh to the point of crying without fear of public embarrassment….

    17. I could be the poster child for this. I married a man who a nasty former i-banking coworker described as “being in a much higher beauty caste” than me. Mean and icky (um, caste???) but…true.

      DH is a lot more physically perfect than me and if he cared about that, he probably wouldn’t be with me.

      1. Love that! I don’t need louboutins…but I have a whole plethora of rewards/awards to give myself as I hit my goals :-)

        1. Nobody “needs” louboutins Ca Atty. But some people might WANT them…. I wouldn’t KNOW any of those people sitting at my keyboard right now typing these words. :-P

          1. Hah, very good point. Though I really meant I don’t need them as a motivator…as a shoe, well I aspire to a position wherein I can afford to walk on something that expensive some day.

    19. This is me, assuring you. That situation sounds insane. I truly believe that most men are thinking “omg, omg, b r e a s t s. OMG, I get to touch them. OMG.” on repeat, in a high-pitched-boy-voice.

      Another anecdote: I gained and then lost 15 lbs in about 4 months (hello, bar). My boyfriend noticed neither the gain nor loss and commented only on me starting to wear some old clothes again (thinking they were all new and I’d spent a bunch of money, which he DOES notice).

    20. I’ve never posted but have been a loyal Corporette follower for years… I echo everyone else’s comments. It isn’t worth it being with men who belittle your physical attributes. I dated and then married (and subsequently divorced) a guy who would make the nastiest comments to me, which just made me think that everyone thought those same thoughts. Here’s a sampling: you have thunder thighs, your legs are too short, your jaw is too square, are eyes are too big for your face, you have a little pudge here, you are too thin, you are too fat, your hands are too wrinkly, etc., etc., etc.

      After leaving him, I realized that such comments were destructive to our relationship. Thank goodness I’m now in a relationship with a man who would never think or even say those things. There are those guys out there and, considering that I live in oh-so-vain South Florida, you’ll meet them. It’s not worth having to put up with the negativity… ever…

  16. TJ: Can we discuss a gyn issue? I tried using M o n i s t a t 3 last night to treat a YI, but it caused so much burning, I don’t want to do it again (I’ve used it before and it was never this bad). Do any of you use anything else–over the counter treatments or even home remedies–that you would recommend?

    Many thanks in advance!

    1. I had that happen in December after taking a strong antibiotic. I called my doctor and she said that some strains just don’t respond to OTC treatments and she called in a prescription (a pill). It worked immediately.

    2. I’ve used yogurt and tea tree oil (diluted!) to soothe symptoms before, but you should probably also call your gyn to get a diflucan prescription as well.

    3. Also, even if you’ve had them in the past, could be something other than a yeast infection. Call your doctor.

      1. There are lots of skin infections that present sort of like yeast infections but aren’t. The fact that it burns when you use the cream may mean its one of those … and you could be irritating it more. Call your doc, try to get in with an NP or a PA if she can’t see you. :-) Don’t want to mess with the lady-regions, they don’t appreciate it.

    4. Please go to the doctor. What my PCP thought was a yeast infection turned out to be a skin issue that was very aggravated by the cream the PCP suggested. Better safe than sorry.

    5. Agree that you should go to the doctor. I was having recurring issues at one point, and kept trying the OTC solutions. The doctor finally gave me a prescription that worked, along with some advice to keep it from happening. I treat those types of issues very seriously now, since I suffered for too long by trying to remedy it on my own!

    1. sounds like my friend’s shape – she looks best in skinny, structured pants (ankle length) and a straight cardigan sweater or jacket that hits at the hips over a loose scoop or v-neck tank/top.

      1. I’m by no means an expert in this subject, but I’m not sure I agree with the recommendation about skinny pants. I would think that a straight-leg (maybe even a bootcut?) pair of pants would be more flattering. I also don’t know that ankle length pants are a great idea, since they will chop you off (visually) and make your legs look shorter than they really are.

        The scoop or v-neck sounds good – it will draw attention upwards. You can enhance this effect with accessories like a necklace or earrings.

  18. For some reason, my original comment is still in moderation, so I’m reposting so I can get some suggestions.

    This is a TJ for all the marathon runners.

    I have a friend who is running her first marathon this Sunday. I thought I was going to be able to be there to support her, but my family will still be in town because of graduation (Saturday!) so I will have to show them around. So I want to get her a “good luck” basket with things for before, during, and/or after the race, but apart from some energy chews, I don’t know what to include.

    1. Fun! I’ve run two marathons and recommend the following:

      – a roll of duct tape and a marker, to write her name on her shirt (people will cheer her on).
      – a note from you complimenting her training
      – I wouldn’t worry too much about food or drinks for during the race; she shouldn’t switch up what she’s been doing at this point. If you know what she uses, that’s a nice add.

    2. That’s so sweet of you :) I just ran my first half marathon last Saturday, and was lucky enough to have a friend who runs a lot to tell me all the things I was supposed to be eating and drinking. If no one here can provide answers, I’d suggest going online to a runners forum – I’m sure that topic has been covered in detail.

      If it helps, here’s what I was told to do for my half:
      1) Hydrate hydrate hydrate the day before. So I’d throw some gatorades into the basket with the instruction that they be drunk on Saturday.
      2) Eat a bagel with peanut butter and half a banana an hour and a half before the race. So maybe some gourmet peanut butter or bagel from a cute bakery.
      3) Use energy gels – I don’t use them but everyone swears by them and you could throw a few packages into the basket.

      A marathon is an entirely different beast from a half marathon, so not sure how much of that will transfer over…

      1. Gatorade is cute, but beyond that, she shouldn’t switch up what she’s been using during the race. After the race . . . flip flops to change in to? A 26.2 sticker or tee shirt (probably too late to order one now), asprin?

        1. Hate to be a downer, but don’t get her a. 26.2 sticker until she finishes. Even the best training plans fall apart, as I experienced last month! A note is great, maybe her favorite snack for after the race, cuushy slipper socks, biofreeze, body glide would all be great.

      2. Ugh, I don’t want to be negative when these are cute, well meaning ideas, but I would advise against them. For one, hydrate before hand with water. Sports drinks are for replenishing salt/sugar/nutrient stores during and after. Also, like First Marathon said, your friend by now has a routine and a plan for eating and drinking before and during the race – don’t try to mess with that. Even if you know what what she eats and drinks for this stuff, she already has it taken care of. At this stage in marathon training, she’s hit her peak OCD, control-freak tendencies (this is what happened to me and everyone I’ve known who’s run a marathon – it just happens). Most likely, anything you get her is going to sit around until after the race.

        On that, I would write a note or email before, but focus on stuff for after the race. Cookies or cupcakes from a bakery would be cute, as would any (from my experience) assortment of junk food. She probably hasn’t eaten much if any in a while, and if she’s like me (and others I know), the fat and salt and sugar will taste so freaking good and be easily digestible. After mine, my stomach could not deal with healthy food, but it could deal with doritos. To the tune of almost an entire full size bag. And a regular soda.

        1. I agree with this. Lots of encouragement before, but gift-y stuff afterwards: breakfast items for the next day/week (muffins, bagels, etc.), new flip flops, a pedicure or massage gift certificate.

        2. I hydrate pre-race with water and gatorade, because sometimes I’m just sick of drinking plain water. The gatorade has water in it. Also, I find that I run better when I have high sodium before the race. I like salt bagels for this reason, too.

    3. If you have the time, you could print some pictures of her and get puffy paint and glitter and make her an inspirational poster. I know it sounds cheesy, but I still kind of treasure the one I got before my half. You know, you look up some inspirational quotes and print them out and maybe there’s a picture of her running on Facebook you can print out, that sort of thing.

      Plus — working with puffy paint and glitter totally brings you back to middle school. Its fun.

    4. You’re the sweetest! Bearing in mind that she’ll have most stuff she really needs for the race, I would consider including a selection of the following:

      +Cheerful good-luck note, saying how proud you are of her
      +List of inspirational and/or funny running quotes
      +Foam roller
      +Bottle of her sport or recovery drink of choice (ask her what it is; she might want Gatorade/Powerade, or something for afterwards, like chocolate milk or coconut water)
      +Plastic baggie of extra safety pins for her bib
      +Fruit and/or a couple of Clif/Power/whatever bars
      +Nice pair of running socks (she probably won’t wear them for the race but will certainly wear them after it!)
      +Silly signs for her supporters to hold up, if she’s going to have people there

      1. Oh, and an ice pack or two.

        I also like TCFKAG’s suggestion for a puff paint and glitter inspirational poster.

    5. I would stay away from food unless you know the exact brand and flavor she uses for gels/chews. She shouldn’t eat anything “new” before the race.

      My feet always kill after a race because I usually train on softer surfaces and the pounding on concrete roads for such a long distance is murderous on my wimpy feet. I would’ve really loved something like a pair of super soft slippers to walk around the house for the next few days. Depending on how much you’re willing to spend, I think a gift certificate for a massage or an at-home kit of soothing foot soak and cream would be nice.

      1. Oh, and I think it’s so nice that you’re doing something for her! Honestly, even if you give her a bunch of gels and sports drinks she can’t use, I’m sure she’ll appreciate the recognition of her effort–especially without having to post a self-congratulatory FB status to get it :)

    6. Is it Sugarloaf in Maine? My husband is attempting to run it this Sunday. I say attempting b/c he had an injury sideline his training and hasn’t run in a month but w/ the okay from his doc is going to run “as far as he can” and then drop out. I think he’s nuts but he doesn’t want to bail on his friend, so what-ev.

      From dealing with his ups and downs I think the best thing you can do is be supportive and say that you are proud of all her training and that she has accomplished so much whether she runs, walks, crawls or even finishes.

      1. No, it’s the Colfax Marathon in Colorado. Is anyone else running this one?

    7. You could get her a little travel pack of Advil or Tylenol for after the race, as well as some BioFreeze or other muscle pain-reliever gel.

      An iTunes gift card is a good idea so she can download some good music to get her pumped up before the race (some races allow ipods on the course, some don’t.)

      A little (sweatproof) sunscreen or chapstick would be good, especially a trial size that she can apply right before the race and then toss in the garbage.

      As I runner, I love the elastic quick laces (you can get them at any running or sports store) but hate threading them through new sneakers, so I usually just buy a new pair – that would be a fun little “basket filler” because she’ll likely replace her shoes in the next month or so.

      As others said, the best would be a card or note congratulating her on all her hard work getting her training in and reassuring her that the most important thing is to have fun and appreciate what she has asccomplished.

      (Also, she’s probably going to get up REALLY early, so if you don’t mind interrupting your sleep for a second, send her a good luck text about the time you think she’ll be eating her breakfast!)

    9. So nice of you to do this! I’ve only done halves, not a full marathon, but I echo what others say about stuff FOR the race- she’s probably figured all that out and focusing on afterwards would probably be most appreciated. Here’s what I would love to receive:
      Card with a heart felt message to pump me up before the race;
      Wool socks or slipper socks to wear after- your feet HURT, plus I take ice baths after and am always freezing for next hour (I would also love anything else warm- like a cute hoodie)
      if you know what kind of bars she likes (pure, luna, cliff, etc), a couple of those won’t go awry
      Something really tasty for afterwards! She will be hungry the whole day and probably the next day too, so something that she can eat a few hours later would be perfect- maybe her favorite cookies or brownies?

    10. Your comment got through moderation above and I posted up there — didn’t want to cut and paste it again. But I’ll reiterate — you’re an awesome friend!

  19. TJ: I just turned 27 last month and I’ve been looking for a nice, small crossbody bag. I have shoulder problems on both sides, so my everyday bags need to be small and lightweight, and I carry work items in a backpack when needed.

    Which of the three bags below do you think is best for an everyday bag? I’m torn between them and would like to make a decision today.

    http://www.katespade.com/designer-handbags/fabric-purses/japanese-floral-scout/PXRU3402,default,pd.html?dwvar_PXRU3402_color=189&start=38&cgid=sample-sale

    http://www.ideeli.com/events/93174/offers/4627690/latest_view/2391366

    http://www.ideeli.com/events/93174/offers/4627678/latest_view/2391410

  20. Any advice for how to get through the workday while going through a miscarriage or, more specifically, an ectopic pregnancy?

    DH and I were trying to conceive and after several months got pregnant. It became clear that things weren’t going well, and we were told I was miscarrying. Then, after subsequent problems, we were told it was an ectopic pregnancy. I was given medication (a shot of chemo essentially) that is supposed to slowly resolve things, and hopefully save my tube. It will take weeks or months until I’m officially “not pregnant” and then we have to wait some number of additional months to start trying to conceive again.

    Physically I feel okay at the moment, but mentally I’m less than okay. I’m really distracted at work and I tear up several times a day. Normally I ramp up my workout routine to help myself feel better and deal with difficult situations, but because risk of rupturing my tube, I can’t exercise at all until this whole thing is resolved! I’ve made an appointment with a therapist who has been helpful in the past (with other issues) and I’ve told a few close family members and friends. DH is very supportive, but he is not in a position to understand what it’s like for me to have my body constantly reminding me of what is going on and what could have been. It doesn’t help that other people are reminding me too. Just yesterday, outside counsel was telling me how lucky I am that I don’t have kids. I wanted to say something direct like “that’s not the business at hand” but my boss was at this meeting too and for some reason that made me sensor my response. So I just sat there while he went on and on, until finally I made some joke about how he better not bill us for the conversation. And this is just one example out of several I have experienced *at work* this week alone! I don’t want anyone at work to know what’s happening because I like to keep my professional and personal lives separate, and also because if they know what’s happening now they’ll assume (correctly) that I plan to try again at some point in the future. I work for a company that is in theory family-oriented, but I feel like that’s really because most of our higher level employees are male and have wives at home taking care of the kids.

    Is there anyone else who been through this and wants to share her experiences and/or suggestions? Thanks in advance!

    1. Not a doctor obviously and I have no idea if this comment will be totally out there, but is there any possibility of talking to your doctor about a different procedure to ‘end’ things faster? Was the medication route a ‘try it first and see if it works’ kind of thing? Or was it decided it was the only way? If it’s the former, is there any surgical procedure you could have done? I only suggest/ask because it sounds like this is mentally agonizing and I can only imagine how horribly stressful it would be to have to deal with the mental and physical pain for weeks/months as your post suggests. I am really sorry you are going through such a tough situation. I truly offer sympathy/warm wishes/internet hugs.

      1. The only other way to do it involves losing one of your fallopian tubes – essentially cutting your ability to have conceive again in half.
        My bff had an ectopic pregnancy and they had to do surgery and it was horrible. However, needing to lose the pregnancy slowly sounds even more horrible, even if you will hopefully have two intact tubes at the end of the loss.

        Because this will be going on for some time, can you schedule in time each day to get out/lock yourself in and grieve? Maybe two 15 minute sessions a day at work where you can let yourself be completely sad about what has happened/ is happening and then back to work with a vengeance.

        Hugs.

        1. Thanks MJ. I hadn’t thought of setting aside time to be sad (even though I routinely set aside time for slacking off/getting on this website). One reason why I like the idea so much is that I could see some point (not today, but down the road) where I can’t be sad for the proscribed amount of time without getting distracted and that would help me realize how far I’ve come!

      2. Agree w/ Kontraktor. An acquiescence had an ectopic pregnancy, and as far as I know had emergency surgery/abortion. She now has two children so whatever the procedure was, it saved the tube. I don’t know her circumstance versus yours but I know hers was “we have to treat this right now” and I *think* it was an in and out thing. Maybe ask your doc about other options.

        1. Posted this at the same time as MJ. That might be what happened w/ my acquaintance. Interesting that acquaintance above autocorrected to acquiescence.

    2. Yikes…. I have no good advice, but I must say that I am really sorry for what you are going through. As people often say her, please be kind to yourself.

      By the way, I think what you feel is really normal. Men do not understand that when a women is pregnant (or ending a pregnancy) it is a physically (and sometimes emotionally) all consuming.

      Also, people say things with good intentions all the time, and sometimes those things do not really help or even tend to bring additional hurt. For a while, I assume you will be extra sensitive to well-meaning but unhelpful comments.

    3. Can you take some personal time away from work? You may be the type of person who needs to keep busy when things are bad (in order to keep your mind off of the situation at hand), but it sounds to me as though time to grieve is in order. Time away from the office — a couple days, a week or two, whatever — may help bring you some peace.

      I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.

    4. Be kind to yourself and take some time off if you can. You’re going through something difficult and you don’t have to be strong all the time. Give yourself permission to cry and leave early.

    5. I’m sorry to hear about your loss — it is devastating to TTC for a while, get pg, and then lose it. I know because I’ve been there. And I also keep my work and personal lives completely separate — I’m a very private person, and don’t open up at all at work.

      Just to let you know where I’ve been, we TTC’d for 4 years, and went through 4 failed IVF’s, and one m/c. I haven’t told anyone at my job, and am glad I haven’t — because I can come to work and no one treats me any different, or comes by to ask sympathetic questions — which would only set me off in tears. Some days it’s hard to concentrate at work, but other days it’s a welcome bubble from everything else I’m going through.

      There’s no right answer for how to get through the next few weeks as you wait for this to resolve — I used to tell myself I could do whatever I needed to at the moment — go for a short walk, drive over to a park, drive through fast-food, web-surfing, whatever. I gave myself permission to indulge. Seeing a therapist is a good idea. You can also look for message boards online where other women going through this can sympathize.

      Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. TTC and loss is so hard.

    6. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this right now. There is no way its not going to be hard. I’d say just stay home for a couple of days, but the truth is, at home you’d think about it just as much as at work (without any distractions.) But do remember that this week and months you are super sensitive to anything that rings as “babies are bad” or whatever — kind of like when you first learn a new word and then suddenly hear it everywhere — so that conversations that before TTC may have been innocuous or even funny now seem portentous and terrifying. You don’t know how your work will react when you do have a full-term pregnancy and a baby comes, but there’s no need to add to your worries this week by adding that to your list.

      As for the getting through the emotions and physical pay, some of it is going to depend on how you cope best. But I would try to front load tasks that are time-consuming but not overly mentally taxing and, when you need a break or feel like you are going to cry, give yourself a break and go for a walk or go to the bathroom and get it out. And then maybe pick out a friend outside of work other than your husband to talk talk to about this. Sometimes just getting the chance to pour it all out really helps emotionally.

    7. I”m terribly sorry this has happened to you and your husband. I have no personal experience with ectopic pregnancy but an acquaintance of mine went through this last year and I know it was very difficulty for her, both mentally and physically.

      Take care of yourself, maybe a few days off or a vacation is in order.

      1. Thanks for your support and suggestions so far. And Westsidebee, I’m very sorry for your losses.

        I’ve already taken off two days (once when I was told I was miscarrying and once when I was told me about/treated me for the ectopic pregnancy). I just said I was sick. If I take off more time, any recommendations for a solid explanation that won’t seem flaky or arouse suspicions or questions?

        1. “I am sick”

          if anyone presses you on it

          “I’m having some bowel issues I’d rather not talk about.”

          Trust me, NO ONE wants to talk about bowel issues.

          1. Also, “I’m having an ongoing medical issue and I need to have a procedure that will take x number of days to recover from. No big deal, just won’t be of any use.” If they press you on it “Its gynecological in nature.” People ALSO don’t want to talk about lady problems.

            P.S. Have no qualms about lying about medical problems — its their fault for being nosey.

          2. @TCFKAG – I was on a deal once where one of the partners told the entire working group list that he would be “out of pocket due to an anal fissure.” EVERYONE left him alone. I think more people bothered him when (on a different deal) he was in the hospital while wife was having their baby. Now I wonder if he just wanted a weekend of fun in the Hamptons in the middle of a stressful deal!

          3. Seriously, its fool proof.

            Unless one of your colleagues happens to have Crohns and no filter, but the chances of that seem slim. :-)

          4. I know this thread is nothing to be laughing at but I just busted out laughing at “anal fissure.” Awesome.

        3. You could describe it as an “out-patient medical procedure” without elaborating. That could be something at your dentist or dermatologist. If pressed (and no one should press you for any more info, but there are those nosy people), you can just say “that’s confidential” or “I’d rather not discuss it.”

          Do you have sick time and vacation time? I didn’t — it was all the same — so I took a few “personal days” here and there for IVF procedures. Nobody ever questioned a “personal day.”

          I’m so sorry these are the things you have to plan for now, instead of happier things. Hang in there. You can get through this, and things will get better again.

        4. Can you see a doctor about medication? A friend of mine lost her husband very suddenly and had two little kids to take care of. She saw a doctor, who gave her something to get through it. I’m assuming an anti-depressant? Anyway, if you’re not going to conceive just yet, it would do no harm to be on something for a little while.

    8. I’m so terribly sorry.

      I had a medically difficult first pregnancy that I wound up losing. I was too in shock and alone to schedule a D&C when I first found out and had to carry the baby for a while longer than I needed to (with all of the pregnancy side effect) due to a work-travel issue on my husband’s part and no local family. Five years later, there is no sorrow like that sorrrow.

      I still can’t speak about it without tearing up. But I did e-mail my closest friends and there is a whole sorority out there of women (mainly, but some of my guy friends , too) who have lost babies and who kept checking in here and there. That helped a lot — without a visible sign of a loss, it meant a lot for people to acknowledge what had happened.

      There was also a book on Amazon called something like Empty Cradle, Broken Heart that was very comforting to read. I passed it along.

      I am so sorry.

      1. I am so sorry to hear about your experience too. Thanks for sharing and for the book recommendation, I may check it out when I’m ready.

    9. Hi, OP. I posted on here about 6 weeks ago about a similiar situation — I was miscarrying, though not ectopic, and trying to figure out how to get through the workday. As they’ve been again, the hive was very helpful and supportive for me (and I thank you all). I just wanted to chime in and say that it will get easier and better with time. It’s a slow process, but at about a month and a half out, I finally feel more like myself and like I’m coming up for air. I still feel a stab of pain sometimes when someone at work makes a joke or off-hand remark about the fact that I don’t have anything to get home for at night or kid’s schedules to worry about, etc., but I didn’t tell anyone I worked with and I finally have accepted that they don’t know the situation and really don’t mean harm by it. I have not sought any professional support, but I think you would be well-served to speak with a therapist. I regret I didn’t in the first few weeks, as I know I put a lot on my husband and he didn’t understand. My thoughts are with you. I wish I had some great suggestions, but do know it will get better.

      1. @Previous Anon – I am sorry for your loss. I’m glad you found help and support here (as I have as well – thank you all for that too). I must have missed your original post but I plan to go back and find it later. I’m also glad that you finally feel more like yourself and I hope you continue to feel better and better. Thank you.

  21. Apologies if this has been discussed before, does anyone else keep a mental list of advertisements that irritate you so much you WILL NOT shop there? I’m getting there with the Prius ad at the bottom of this page, I don’t know how many freaking times I have to click “hide” before that effer stops popping up and covering the whole dang page!!!

    1. Yes. I don’t eat at Legal Seafood since they ran that gross ad campaign about “This girl is dirty. Would you bring her home to your Mom? Why eat dirty seafood. Eat legal” or whatever.

    3. I would never buy the Kia Soul, even with a gun to my head, because the “you can get with this” commercial irritates me.

      Also — I really hate the Liberty Mutual “Responsibility ‘What’s Your Policy?” commercials and probably wouldn’t buy from them because all the examples of “responsibly are really just basic human politeness. It has noting to do with whether you’re a good bank!! Grarrr…I may b*tch about this every time this commercial comes on.

      1. I freaking love the “you can get with this” commercial. It is probably my favorite. I first saw it during the Wire when they were discussing “hampsterdam.” I thought it was creative marketing to show it at that time. Plus, they are so freaking adorable. We finally disagree TCFKAG.

      2. Aww, I like the Liberty Mutual commercials! I am constantly bemoaning the lack of manners, common decency, common sense, and taking responsibility for one’s actions that I feel like I encounter on a daily basis, so I like to see a commercial that highlights people doing the right thing.

        That said, I don’t particularly believe that because their ads feature people being nice to one another that Liberty Mutual is some kind of amazing company. I just like the idea that maybe someone out there will hold the door for me or keep me from walking into oncoming traffic.

        1. Seee…if their slogan was “Basic Human Decency, that’s our policy” than I’d be fine (though I admit it would be less catchy.) But holding the door for someone has noting to do with responsibility! Its a definitional problem for me.

          (And yes, I’m a huge nerd and there’s a reason I went into law.)

    4. 1877cars4kids, cars4kids, cars4kids. 1877cars4kids donate your car today

      kill!
      kill!
      kill the cars4kids guy!

      3. What’s even worse – just remembered this – is the slogan is actually “Kars for Kids”. Ew.

    5. I haven’t bought any Dr. Pepper since they started running those stupid “It’s Not For Women” ads. Yes, I realize it’s supposed to be funny, but I find it stupid and offensive, so no more Diet Dr. Pepper from the vending machine for me.

      1. Darn it! I had forgotten about those terrible ads and my pledge to swear off Diet Dr. Pepper…and just bought one at lunch. I don’t have to stop drinking THIS one, do I? I mean, they already have my money…

    6. Most chain jewelry stores (especially Jared’s, and also Kay’s). Because they have so many ads based on the sole premise that women are materialistic, vain, and scared of thunderstorms.

    7. Not sure if this is only in NY, but the radio commercials for Auto Land. They absolutely SCREAM at you and say “AUTO LAND, 1800 AUTO LAND” super loudly over and over during the commercial.

      I have to change the station every time.

  22. Anyone have experience with Matt & Nat’s vegan handbags? I’m thinking of getting one from their outlet, and they don’t accept returns on sale stuff.

    1. I have their wristlet. I’m pretty rough on purses. The wristlet still looks like new even though I throw it around, overstuff it, and spill things on it.

    2. I have one of their shoulder bags, purchased on Gilt last year. Good quality, sturdy, modern, and made of recycled material – My bag, the label says, was made from plastic soda bottles, so buying one is like saving the environment!

  23. Any suggestions for how to bounce back from a day when you are fully just not there? I was motivated this morning, then a bunch of non-work stuff happened and now… I’m absolutely unproductive. Help? (I actually just got on here, too. It isn’t even that I’m lost online!)

    1. Right there with you. Make everything that is not work non-accessible to you and do nothing until you are so bored/antsy that you have to do work because there is nothing else to do.

      Or at least that’s my plan.

  24. Ugh, I spilled coffee on my silk blouse this AM. To make matters worse, I absentmindedly blotted the stain with water while distracted by a phone call.

    Is this blouse a goner? Please say it’s salvageable!

    1. Where is the stain? I don’t know about getting the stain off (but would take it to dry cleaner stat) but depending on where it is, could you cover it with a scarf/brooch etc?

      1. The blouse has a larger ruffled collar (I’m making this sound hideous, I swear, it’s really not) and it’s smack dab on the middle of the collar.

        To the dry cleaners after work it goes!

    2. Was the coffee black or with milk? Black coffee is easier to get out, the milk or cream is what makes them trickier. If you can, take the shirt off and wear something else today – try to work on the stain sooner rather than later. Coffee stains get tougher the longer they sit. I had luck with a combo of tide-to-go pen and cold water when I spilled coffee on a white silk blouse.

  25. A TJ directed towards short, busty woman. I’m short, and a size 4 everywhere except my bust. My shoulders, arms, waist, hips=4; my bust is typically a 6 (I’m a 32D/DD). As you can imagine, this makes buying professional clothes a right pain.

    Does anyone know of any brands which tend to be especially generous in the bust (particularly for blazers/jackets and button-ups)? I’d love to be able to *not* have to substantially tailor the armholes and sleeves of every blazer I buy.

    1. I just quit buying button-ups. Not worth the hassle of tailoring or trying to just stand/sit in the right position to keep everything hidden.

      1. That’s been my policy for the most part; I have one button-up, and it fits perfectly. I like the style, though, and would be so delighted to know if there was some sort of secret supplier of perfect button-ups.

    2. Try sizing up in P size maybe? So, maybe an 8P in button downs? 6P tends to equal a 4R, but maybe sizing up one in a P size will help keep the rest of the proportions of the shirt smaller while increasing bust space? You could also just buy 6s/whatever bigger size fits your bust and have a tailor slim where the garment needs. I have to do this almost always with skirts, as my waist measure is bigger than all my other sizes (I am a 4/6 everywhere else but an 8/10 in the waist). So, I will often buy a skirt in an 8P or 10P and have a tailor take in the hips/slim the skirt, but it fits me then at least like I want in the waist.

      1. This is an interesting idea. I never thought of that—might be worth it, especially if the shoulders/sleeves are still narrow enough.

    3. For blazers, I stick with only one-button styles, which I find to be the most flattering and most likely to fit my narrow, large-busted frame. One-buttons also are often cropped jacket styles, which should be nice on you if you’re petite.

      For button-downs, I find nothing to fit, and I’ve given up on them. There are companies that specialize in selling button-downs by bra size. They’ve been discussed here before — I think Carissa Rose might be one brand? Anyway, I bought a couple and found them to run really short and small, which discouraged me from trying again because they’re really expensive.

    4. Try Brooks Brothers or button downs. They’re the only shirts that fit me at the bust without leaving tons of extra room in the waist.

      1. I’m the same size/measurements as the OP and brooks brothers non-iron spago is perfect. I think the v-neck style of it helps. Also agree with one button blazers, it’s just easier to avoid the bust completely in a blazer.

    5. I’ve found Benetton to be cut rather well in button ups–they really taper in at the waist. My other button-ups are 100 years old back from when Express actually made shirts that buttoned all the way up. My blazers and jackets are mostly from Banana Republic, Benetton again (they also really taper in at the waist), and J. Crew (size down). I mostly don’t button my blazers, though. If you’re really short, you might want to try Rebecca & Drew for button ups? They run really short in the torso and I am short but very long-torsoed so they are only meh for me.

    6. Surprisingly, the NY & Co button up shirts fit me well. I have a similar body structure to yours. They button high enough to not show too much. They are looser up top and fitted around the waste. I feel like most shirts I need to size up for my bust, but then they are sagging around my waste. Blazers need to get tailored on the sleeves and jacket bottoms ($$$).. I dread suit shopping.

  26. Since we addressed peplums earlier in this post I’m wondering if anybody has a recommendation for a great white peplum top for under $50?

    2. NY&Co has a goregous shaped sleeveless version that was super budget friendly. i think kat featured it a few weeks ago, i’d love to track that one down

  28. This week has been long and stressful (how is it only Wednesday?), and office politics at my office are getting a bit ridiculous. I’m trying to just hunker down in my cubicle and stay out of it, but i’m also wearing a bright blue hair tie on my wrist for solidarity. Like a “livestrong” band, I feel like you’ve all got my back! Ugh, can’t wait for the weekend!

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