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Commuting Hall of Fame: Hunter Rain Boots

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best rainboot for commuting - hunter

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Whether NYC gets 3 or 30 inches of snow this weekend, it seems pretty sure that it's going to be an unpleasant, yucky weekend. Truth be told, I usually prefer my Hunter boots (with warm socks!) to my snow boots unless there are major snow drifts — here in NYC the problem is more slush than anything.

(On semi related notes, Hunter recently came out with a foldable, packable version of their boot, and here's a tutorial on how to clean your Hunters after they get a bit waxy/gunky looking.)

Hunter Original Gloss

These violet Hunters are $135 at Zappos and Nordstrom. Hunter Original Gloss

2017 Update: We're adding these boots to our Workwear Hall of Fame! Even though you probably don't want to actually wear them AROUND the office, they are amazing for commuting to and from work, particularly once slush and massive puddles get involved.

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Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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428 Comments

  1. I am dealing with an apartment-related conflict, and I would greatly appreciate any and all comments. My parents own an apartment in a co-op in Manhattan (but live out of state). My mom’s mom (in her 80s, with medical and mobility problems) has lived in the apartment since the 1960s, when the apartment was first built. The apartment has never been renovated.

    A few weeks ago, a valve failed in the toilet tank, and the toilet started overflowing. My grandmother says that she called management immediately, but it took them 20-30 minutes to send someone up, at which point pretty much the entire apartment was flooded in 6 inches of water. We are replacing the furniture and having the rugs cleaned. However, the floor needs to be replaced; the wooden tiles have lost their varnish, many are loose, splintering, or cracking, and we are concerned about mold/damage to the flooring beneath. For now, my grandmother is living with my parents, which is not an ideal arrangement for anyone.

    My parents think the building should pay for any repairs, primarily the floor, because management took so long to respond, and the flooding would have been much less extensive if the water had been turned off immediately. The building doesn’t want to pay to replace the floor because the co-op agreement provides that owner of an apartment is responsible for its plumbing fixtures. However, my parents strongly feel that if the building had responded more promptly, the floor wouldn’t have needed to be replaced at all. (They are also not sure they buy the building’s story, since management has variously (i) suggested it would be willing to replace a small portion of the floor, (ii) disputed whether the damage extends beyond the bathroom, which it obviously does, and (iii) indicated that there is asbestos under the floors that would make a floor replacement “inconvenient” for the building.)

    Would you keep fighting with management to get it to cover some or all of the floor repair costs? Or would you say that because the underlying plumbing issue is the owner’s responsibility, the owner needs to pay for all repairs? (It shouldn’t affect the analysis, but the apartment isn’t insured, so all costs not covered by the building would have to be borne by my parents, who don’t have a ton of disposable income.)

      1. Yeah, my first thought was, and this is why every lady needs to know how to cut off the water supply to her toilet.

        1. Why is that relevant? One could argue if she isn’t capable of turning a switch, she shouldn’t be living alone….

          1. Agreed. This was an expensive thing she might’ve been able to prevent if there is a shut-off. Good thing it wasn’t something dangerous that she couldn’t shut off (gas valve comes to mind, but there are other things too).

    2. Can you reach a happy middle ground? Don’t have them pay for all of it, but do have them pay for some of it? If it’s in the contract that it is the owner’s responsibility for plumbing fixtures, then I think yall are liable for some of it. I’m wondering…if a valve didn’t work, it’s possible to turn off the water ON the toilet. I’m not sure why your grandmother didn’t do that…or maybe she didn’t know how to?

      However, I do think the management is at some fault. They were called immediately and knew that there was a leaking issue. And yet, they dawdled on their way there. I think you can make some argument for that.

      It might be a good idea to get insurance in the future, also.

    3. If your parents are up to the wrangling, it might be worth fighting the coop to replace the floor. If not, it sounds like even w/o the flooding, it was something that would need to replacing anyways before selling the coop in the future, so they could plan to recoup the cost then.

    4. I don’t think that the timeliness of management in responding to the complaint is a factor in this at all. I think this is a contract dispute (and your parents should re-read the co-op agreement to see what it says, and perhaps talk to a real estate lawyer). I don’t own an apartment in NYC, so take this for what you will, but I would think that the floors are the responsibility of the owner. Really, that anything inside the walls of the apartment are the responsibility of the owner. This may be an issue as it relates to things inside the walls or coming through the ceiling from another apartment (like, if a pipe burst, or if your upstairs neighbors tub overflowed and damaged your ceiling, etc.), and there could be an avenue that your parents could explore related to the co-op agreement and the asbestos (i.e., it might not technically be within their apartment, and perhaps an owner wouldn’t be responsible for asbestos removal).

      1. This exactly. It depends on the governing agreements (including CC&Rs, house rules, co-op’s bylaws, etc.)

        And sorry to say (based on my statistically insignificant, subjective experience representing Manhattan condos/co-ops), your parents probably aren’t going to win this one.

        1. Agreed. The only place where you may be able to get some assistance my be on the asbestos issue….

    5. I wouldn’t keep fighting it. If the flood was caused by a valve that was old, the risk that it could cause damage was foreseeable by the owners and fixable by them. Most building maintenance is not designed to respond to emergencies where 20 min would be disasterous. They’re there to respond same-day (like your toilet breaks and it’s an emergency to get it fixed in that you can’t stay in your apartment more than a few hours without a toilet, but not like if they don’t fix it in 10 min the apartment will be ruined). It’s not very likely that a delay of 20 min would cause this much damage. Between your parents and the building, your parents are the least cost avoider. That is, it would be less costly (and therefore more reasonable) for them to have replaced the valve when it got old than for the building to maintain the kind of staffing levels that would enable them to respond in less than 20 min to any emergency at any time. (Why, yes, my torts professor was an Olin Fellow– why do you ask?)

    6. Gosh I think 20-30 minutes is a pretty good response time. If your grandmother wasn’t home, then it still would have flooded.

      1. This. I’d also want to know if your grandmother was calling them back every 5 minutes to emphasize the apparent urgency. If she wasn’t, I’d have to agree that the response time was pretty reasonable, especially if there was a shut-off valve that wasn’t engaged.

    7. something similar happened with us and it was our responsibility as the unit owner (including damage to a downstairs apartment). if it had been something in the wall, that’s generally the coop’s responsibility, but something within the toilet tank is probably not. But- check the bylaws and proprietary lease to be sure.

    8. In a co-op/ condo the money for everything ultimately comes from the homeowners in the building. I think it’s potentially unfair to try to get the building (meaning, all the homeowners) to pay for something that was largely your family’s fault. Even if management was slow, she should have shut off the water herself / marched down to the lobby and demanded immediate help/ etc. I frankly would be very angry if someone in my building tried to make the HOA pay for this kind of thing. Why should my assessments go up because of a problem unique to your apartment, and at least sort of your fault?

      But of course, your parents’ building might have a history of always paying for this stuff — which already factors into coop fees and which people accept. Or maybe you could go after the private management company without dragging in the HOA – though even that would cause rate increases etc and probably cost your neighbors in the long run.

      1. This. And also? If it was the original flooring, it was long past due to be replaced and it seems unfair to expect the other owners to pay to replace it because of the happenstance of the flood.

    9. The owner was responsible for keeping the plumbing in good repair, and should have mitigated the damage by turning to water off at the toilet unit. The owner should bare the cost of the repairs, but seeing as the co-op management appears to feel bad about it and offered to pay for a small portion, see what you can get from them and view it was a bonus.

  2. I have a PhD and was a professor for 7 years before taking 3.5 years to deal with a family matter. Now that I’m going back to work, I want to find something in human rights or civil rights. I hope to find something so we can move before the school year starts this fall. My publications and some of my teaching deal with those types of issues in historical periods, and my activities and volunteering in undergrad through my master’s were related to those issues. I’m thinking of putting them back on my cv/long form resume and then mentioning in my cover letter that the career switch is to enable me to focus directly on these things I’ve had interest in for a very long time (undergrad for me was late 80s, finished MA in 93). Those of you who have considerable experience hiring people, does that make sense/would you be interested in seeing those items in this case?

    Marilla, thanks for the “Ask a Manager” suggestion–we’ll see if she takes my question!

    1. Another resource: join the VersatilePhD if you haven’t already. You can search the archives there or even send out this query–someone may respond who’s made a similar transition.

    2. I would add them in if it adds to your narrative of why this work makes sense to you. Of course, the only caveat to that is that I would only do so if you can be concise about it and keep the length of the overall CV reasonable. Good luck!

      1. Thanks. Nice to hear from the hive on this one. I know academic cvs can be a PITA for others when we apply for jobs, so am cutting mine way back–but think I still want to have this in there, for the reason you mention.

      2. Thanks. Nice to hear from the hive on this one. I know academic cvs can be a PITA for others when we apply for jobs, so am cutting mine way back–but think I still want to have this in there, for the reason you mention.

    3. I would generally not include undergrad activities unless they were pretty specifically related to the position you’re looking for, or pretty substantive. Example: I was on the board of my college women’s center as an undergrad. Twenty years later, I probably wouldn’t include that if I were looking for a job at the NAACP, but I might if I were looking for a job at Planned Parenthood. (Two years later, I might have mentioned it no matter what.) I think the further out you are from college, the less relevant college activities are, even on an academic CV.

  3. I’m feeling bored in my marriage. We’ve been together just shy of seven years. It’s an excellent marriage – lots of love, support, etc. We’re on the same page on everything. While I treasure the comfort and security that comes from our relationship, I’m missing the spark and excitement of new love. Particularly in bed. He’s a very good gardener, but it’s feeling very routine and blah. I’m just as much to blame as him. We have a lot on our plates and don’t have the time or energy to dedicate to romance, but I also feel like we’re simply in a rut. I have zero interest in an affair; I just want the thrill we had to come back.

    For those who have passed this point – Did it get better or do you just get used to it? If it got better, did it just pass with time or did you change something to spur it on?

    1. Also, we’ve discussed it. We’re both feeling the same way: Love you, can’t imagine life without you, best thing that ever happened to me. But what happened to the passion?

    2. DH and I were together of many years before we got married, and right around the 7 year mark I started to get really antsy and wondered if this was going to work long-term, for the same reasons that you’re expressing. Fortunately, DH and I are able to talk about these things (not that they were particularly pleasant conversations), and decided that we needed the equivalent of date night, but that our activities had to be something new-to-us or unusual. I’ve heard that the key to keeping the spark alive is to continue to experience new things with your partner.

      Like, we go out to dinner all the time, so that didn’t count, but trying out a brand-new-to-us cuisine counted. We don’t go hiking or camping as often as we like, so that counted. Museums, plays, any cultural things counted. But also, think about things in a specific sense. We could just go to a museum, but wouldn’t it be more fun if we took a guided tour that gave us greater context for what we were seeing? How about an arboretum? We love to cook, so wouldn’t it be fun to take a cooking class on how to make Indian food? The point was to seek out new adventures together. It worked for us, and I think it made DH a little more proactive about not taking me for granted (which he wasn’t doing intentionally, but can sometimes happen).

      1. This sounds exactly like us and what we need. Doing it is the hard part, but thank you so much for the insight.

        1. Also, just to add, we were having bedroom issues as well. One of the things that has helped us is to just do it. Like, that maybe-you-sorta-could-be-interested-but-not-sure-you-want-to-put-in-the-effort feeling? Do it. One of the issues for me and DH was that he wasn’t initiating often enough (for me), or, doing it so subtly that I didn’t realize that’s what he was doing. So I felt unattractive. But, some of the feedback that he gave me was that he felt like whenever he initiated I never said yes, so he hesitated to initiate. So I decided that unless I seriously could not fathom doing it, I’d say yes. Sometimes it took more foreplay, other times less. And I told him that when he initiated, he needed to be a little more overt in his efforts so that I could actually recognize that’s what he was doing.

          And, similar to what NOLA/CKB said, spice things up. Talk about fantasies, toys, new positions.

    3. Maybe try some new adventures in the bedroom? Just a thought. Maybe spice things up a bit. Toys?

      1. This is what we do when things start to feel a little stale. We spice it up. (Married 18.5 years) Sometimes all it takes is me reading an erotic novel. New positions. New techniques. New toys. Whatever. And it always seems that what happens in the bedroom spills out & affects the rest of our relationship, to this is where I start, because it’s the most fun and often takes the least effort for reward.

    4. to Seven-year itch:

      Anon for this has the right idea. i’ve read studies (can’t find them now) that say that it’s new experiences together that help revive the spark and bonus points if the experiences are new or scary or out of your comfort zone. Examples would be rock-climbing or sky diving or adventure travel. Yes, being bored and busy and tired makes a relationship stale and i speak from experience saying it won’t get better. I tried to get an ex to do new things but he was afraid, didn’t want to leave kids alone (albeit with grandparents) and was stuck in a rut. Now he’s stuck alone.

      I think adding spice wouldn’t be that time consuming or expensive. A weekend away for a winery tour, a scuba diving certification class, a foreign film seminar/festival, and as Anonforthis said an ethnic cooking class, etc.

      Don’t let this fester.

      1. Couldn’t you take the kids with you spelunking or sailing or camping or whatever? Obviously you’d have to delay the payoff until a bit later, but I’d think that’d just make you more eager when you got there. But I agree with your basic premise that experiencing new things and the tingly feeling close to fear that comes with it can be really good for a relationship. That’s what I’ve read anyway.

        1. But if you take the kids along it no longer is about you and your spouse. It’s about the kids. Grownup time is critical to the health of my marriage even if its just a quick glass of wine on Friday afternoon before heading home to relieve the nanny.

          1. I understand and know many people feel that way, but if he didn’t want to do things because he didn’t want to leave the kids, wouldn’t taking them along be better than seeing the marriage break up?

          2. No because the point is that they need to sustain the marriage, not that they do an activity.

          3. There are people who find it sexy to look at their co-parent with their children. Getting out, into afresh situation, can make all the difference from another day closed in at home and an adventure and the family growing together, including the parents. And like I said, it might well lead to more behind closed doors (or tent flaps) later on.

    5. I’ve been married for 13 years, together for 15, and my “itch” hit right around the 9-year mark (I was a couple of years late, I guess). I got really bored with my life and with our life together and started going through that “is this all there is?” phase. The one thing I will say is that being bored or vaguely dissatisfied is not a good enough reason to end an otherwise healthy, functioning marriage. I agree with some of the other suggestions that have been made, especially the ones about shaking up things in the bedroom. That “excitement of a new person” thing can be satisfied with introducing some different activities, positions, role play, etc. into your bedroom life. Read some erotica, talk to your husband about what turns you on, and then visit a toy shop or shop online and get some new things to help spice things up. (Sometimes my husband and I will read the same erotica novel and then talk about it, which is hot in and of itself.) Also, make sure you are getting that “alone time” with your husband, and that you’re really making time for bedroom activities, and not just fitting it in when you have a spare half-hour and you’re not completely exhausted. You do have to make the time to do it, but like any other habit, once you start consciously acting and thinking about it, it will get easier.

      One other suggestion. I know with myself, sometimes boredom or dissatisfaction I feel about the rest of my life can spill over into my marriage. Are you stuck in a rut at work? Are you satisfied with what you’re doing? Maybe it’s time to take a class (there are tons of free online classes now), try a new gym or exercise routine, start an exercise routine if you don’t have one, join a new professional organization and meet some new people, etc. Sometimes shaking up another part of your life can infuse you with excitement that carries over to your relationship. Good luck!

  4. Ladies, can we talk t-shirts? I very rarely wear t-shirts on their own because I can never find ones that don’t cling to the extra little padding around my tummy. I usually layer to diffuse this. I am dying over the Eileen Fisher (link to follow) A-line shirts…but are they really worth $138? Has anyone found any similar belly-obfuscating tees at a lower price?

      1. I would never have guessed that shirt would be over $100. Wonder how many sold at that price.

    3. Have you tried buying shirts a size up? I have a big chest as well as a big stomach, so it might not be the case for you, but I find that when a shirt gets too big it doesn’t touch my stomach any more but sort of flows straight down off my chest.

      1. That’s what I usually do, but I have small-ish shoulders so everything ends up having huge, baggy armholes and makes me look bigger than I am overall. My chest is just big enough (36C) that I end up looking generally shapeless. Hoping to find something fit-and-flare-ish.

        1. Do you sew at all? I’ve had luck buying Lands End Tshirts (nice, heavy weight ones) a size too big and then taking in the sides below the bustline. Just making the side seams a bit larger makes them fit a lot better.

    4. I have the same issues . . . . there’s one in Garnet Hill that looks good . . .

      http://www.garnethill.com/modern-cap-sleeve-swing-tee/womens-fashion/tops-tees/view-all-tops-tees/281509?defattrib=&defattribvalue=&listIndex=6

      I have also bought something similar from Norstrom Rack (can’t find online), but they are really cheap ($15ish) and only last a few washings.

      I was going to post and see if anyone know of something like this in the $30 – $50 range . . .

      1. The comments say that this shirt is very body-hugging though and not for anyone with a belly. Did you have a different experience?

    6. Gap Essential t-shirts – I have the same problem and these are the best!!! You can often get them on sale for under 5 bucks. link below.

    7. Land’s End. Much cheaper. Nice quality fabric. Not quite as “flowy” as this one, but definitely hang over rather than clinging to midsection.

    8. For cheap tees, try Old Navy Maternity with pleats at the bust – I own a bunch that are kind of like this one: http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=5804&vid=1&pid=372903022

      And no, I’m no longer pregnant, but maternity tees that have extra room in the belly and are a little longer without looking “maternity” work for me. The only downside to these is that the V neck is a little low for my preferences, but its not ridiculously so. Shirring or pleats at the bust tends to help with having extra fabric in the belly without being a tend.

    10. I love the Gap Pure Body tees. I find that they usually fit comfortably in the shoulder area and then just skim down. Plus they are a tad longer than many shirts and I find them great for layering or on their own (though PSA: the white ones are Very Sheer). The material has quite a bit of stretch in it but retains its shape really nicely through multiple wears. I also really like the v-neck.

    12. I like Tommy Hilfinger shirts because they fit in my shoulders but are wide enough not to cling to my belly.

    13. T by Alexander Wang’s tee’s are naturally made a bit oversized. They are pricey, but less so that the Eileen Fischer option, and with a bit of research you can usually find them on sale somewhere. Also, Old Navy makes these amaaazzinggly soft tee’s, I think they call them their vintage style/wash…you’d never guess they were so cheap!

  5. I’m in my early 30s, love my job, have a solid group of friends, great family, and I live in a major city. Life is good, for the most part. Then why do I feel this urge to try something totally crazy, to totally break free of my responsible life? I’ve been trying to fight this feeling for awhile, and it’s not going away. I just feel too young to be this responsible and practical. I’m supposed to meet with a realtor this weekend because it seems like the natural next step, but part of me just freezes up when I think of making that kind of commitment. Then how will I ever try anything new? I guess I’m financially ready but not emotionally ready, if that makes any sense. But how likely am I to actually try anything crazy and new, anyway? Maybe I should just buy something… ugh. Help! What should I do?

    1. Just a quick thought, but if you’re at a crossroads, buying a house is not the best answer to your questions. I would definitely wait on something like that, as it will only tie you down more.

    2. DON’T buy real estate! We own our house and I love it. I would never go back to renting. But I wasn’t at all prepared for how much of a commitment it truly is. You can’t take a lower-paying job and just downsize. If you take a job waaaay on the other side of town, you double your commute and can’t just get a closer apartment when your rent is up. If you want to take a job overseas for a year, you need to figure out what to do with your house. If you’re feeling at all restless, real estate isn’t going to help.

      1. I know you ladies are right. It just feels like… what’s next, then? I like living here, but it seems like inertia is going to set in and I’m going to be here for the rest of my life even though I’m not sure that’s what I want. I’ve never lived anywhere else, with the exception of going away to school and studying abroad. And my city is the kind of place people move to because they want to live there, so it’s not a bad place to be. Why isn’t it enough? Why do I always wonder what life would be like somewhere else? I’m not dating or in a relationship, so that’s probably part of why I feel a bit rootless.

        Sorry. I’m realizing my problems are bigger than just real estate!

        1. My two cents: Do it. Shake up your life. Move somewhere else. Apply for a job at the other coast, in France or wherever the heck you want. Take three months off work (if you can afford it financially) and backpack across Australia or South America. Do something crazy – while you still can. Maybe you’ll meet a great guy or realize how much you value a steadfast homelife and then you’ll be ready for the next step. I wouldn’t recommend this as the solution for everyone – but it sounds like you’ve got the perfect set up to be able to do this (young, unattached, financially independent).

          1. This. Even with a family we’ve felt the urge to just move somewhere new, and have done it. Not necessarily across the country, but definitely across our province, and it has always been worthwhile. I’m starting to feel the itch again, but I’m trying to contain it for now, hoping that a new opportunity somewhere else at work will come up that I can take advantage of.

          2. Yep! This!! I bought a house and got engaged when I was feeling restless like you, Crossroads, and it was a terrible decision. I ended up breaking off the engagement, gave the house to my ex, and spent a couple years just travelling the world. Five years later and I’m married to my soulmate and living in another country, doing my dream job. Forget what’s expected of you…take the leap!! :)

    3. Were you always the responsible one that did exactly what you were told? It sounds to me that you are doing things because they are the next logical step, not because it is something you really desire. Maybe take this time to speak to a therapist about where you want your life to go, not where everything is telling you it “should” go.

      1. Yes, that’s definitely me. And while it’s worked out for the most part, at times I envy my friends that are more carefree. Like, what am I even saving for if not a condo? It’s scary to realize that might not even be what I want.

        1. What are you saving for? How bout for the ability to take a leave of absence, without pay if necessary, to go on adventures of whatever sort you choose. Also to live as you wish just as soon as you have enough saved up that you can live in the interest/dividends

          1. You know, it’s a pretty great story re:my groove. I wonder if it would make a good movie?

      2. omg this is so awesome. even awesomer than coming hom to work and making cookies while watching the snow.

        +a gazillion

    5. A couple of years ago, I had a friend who went through the exact same thing. She was working in consulting, had a good job, making good money and getting promoted and was about to buy a house because she could get a fantastic deal and had the money. In the end she decided to take an unpaid leave of absence from work for about 3-4 months to volunteer in Africa and take a couple of vacations. Very Eat, Pray, Love. Her employer (a major firm) was accommodating because she was a top performer. Also, apparently it’s not that uncommon for mid – late 20’s professionals to have quarter life crisis moments these days, and they would rather not staff her on a project for those months than lose her entirely.

      She enjoyed her time off. Some of the experiences were not what she expected, but were still valuable. For example, she was expecting to have some sort of awakening volunteering in Africa (yes, very cliche), and the volunteering ended up being a PIA but she learned a lot about herself. When she came back she was re-energized, and started working towards new goals. So, if it can be done hopefully without totally detaching yourself from everything you’ve worked for the past few years.

    6. Yay! Open thread’s! I love OPEN thread’s! My dad says Real Estate is good, and that I should be invested in it. Of course I live in the CITY, and no one OWNS real estate, we live in apartement’s and it is a COOP I live in with other’s. But I own the COOP and the COOP owns real estate (the apartment) so I own the apartment! Yay! But you have to have a morgage, and I have that. FOOEY! But dad pay’s the morgage for me! Yay! So it’s not so bad after ALL. DO IT and don’t be silly. You can always go away on a vacation, like I do, and mabye meet a guy who will MARRY you and get you another house to live in. THAT is what I want. A house in the suburb’s with a pool and a sundeck. Yay!

      But I am stuck in the CITY now, and would like to see Mom & Dad, b/c my date with Bronx Pastrami won’t hapen b/c of the snow. FOOEY! I do NOT want to go out on the LIRR either, so I will stay in and watch movie’s! Yay! Myrna is goieng to come over and she has a movie we will watch with popcorn and cheeze and she will bring RED wine to drink. YUMMY, but only one drink b/c I do NOT want a fat tuchus to deal with.

      The manageing partner is thinkeing of having me plan a “spring fling” dinner for April when it get’s warmer, but it is so snowy today that he let us out at 3 and I am already home, b/c I took the subway b/c of all of the snow and b/c Dad said I could. But I have NOTHING to do now until Myrna comes back and she is still workeing today! I told Myrna I wanted to get a Cheeze Calzone first, then have popcorn, so we are ordereing when she get’s here.

  6. I think someone else asked this earlier, but can’t find it. Does anyone have a preference between the Nordstroms Pentagon / Crystal City and Tyson’s when it comes to make up? I am hoping to schedule one of those beauty consultant appointments. TIA

    1. Just in general, I much preferred the Tyson’s Nordstrom when I lived there. As an overall preference that I’m assuming extends to makeup. That said, if it’s a huge pain to get there, you probably can’t go wrong.

    4. In my experience, the one at Pentagon City is quieter and I feel like they have less staff turnover, so that’s my preference. (Oh, and the Beltway drives me bonkers, although better now most of the construction is done.)

    5. Tyson’s generally makes me violent, so I would go to pentagon city if I could at all. :-)

  7. probably a dumb question, but are there any web browsers that don’t allow advertisers to follow you around? I hate when I see an ad for something I’ve recently been looking at on a different website; I know everything you do online is or could be public knowledge but I don’t want it rubbed in my face you know?

    1. Most browsers have privacy settings where you can choose to disable ALL cookies, etc., which is how the ads follow you around if I understand correctly. Some websites will not allow you to access them with cookies disabled, though, so you could clear your cookies on your own from time to time, which gets rid of all that stored history that the ads pull from. Disadvantage to clearing cookies is that you will have to keep re-logging in to subscription websites like the WSJ… obviously pros and cons either way, but I agree that seeing a pair of shoes from Zappos following me around does get awfully creepy.

      If it’s the in your face you hate, but you don’t care much about the stored data, you can always hide ads – AdBlock on Google Chrome is great.

      1. This is all true, but if you disable just third party cookies (not all cookies), you should take care of the targeted advertising without losing your login information.

      2. Also, you can disable all cookies by default, and then put in exceptions for the sites that you do want to log into (nordstrom.com etc :-)). Then you have complete control.
        But don’t just do that. Use something else than Microsoft Explorer – mozilla’s firefox is best. And install some good extension like adblock which will clean things up considerably. I also love flashblock, which spares me all those **%&^ animated things.

    2. Not a dumb question. Safari blocks third-party cookies by default. But you can disable third party cookies in any browser (just do a google search to find instructions for your preferred browser). There are other technologies that can be used for targeting advertising, but disabling third party cookies will take care of most of it. You can also opt out of targeted ads at aboutads.info.

    4. Try installing a ad-blocking extension to your browser. I know there are options for Firefox, Opera (my browser of choice), and probably Chrome as well. I don’t think IE has an ad-blocking option and I have never really used Safari, but maybe people familiar with those can chime in. With the ad blocker on I rarely see advertisements, and definitely not those “you just searched for this on Amazon, so we’re going to wave it in your face!” ads.

    5. If you use Safari, you can set it to “private” browsing and no cookies will be stored.

    7. Chrome not only has AdBlock for the specific page you are on (e.g. you just don’t see any ads on Facebook), but the Do Not Track Me extension also blocks every social media and ad company that tracks you from website to website. For example, Corporette has 9 different trackers, two for Twitter and FB, and 9 others that collect your information. Some of these come from Google Ads, but others are just data-mining your web-surfing.

    8. Besides all the blockers for major browsers mentioned here, there are browsers designed to be totally private. I can’t think of their names, but I heard a piece about them on the radio recently, maybe in Marketplace.

    9. Most remarketing ad networks have an option that users can click to disable ads for all or some categories. I know this because I had a Zappos ad for shaper thong underwear pop up at work (Hello!) and it was no trouble to exclude that item.

  8. Do these have a good grip? I live in chicago and almost slipped yesterday in my uggs on a slushy street. Need proper snow shoes with very good grip to prevent slipping, I can manage the cold with extra woolen socks if needed, need something good mostly from walking (rather than winter sports) Any recommendations? thanks

    1. I just moved to Chicago, thought my Uggs had greet grip but after the slushy mess and sliding a few times yesterday I am wondering if I should be in the market for newer better boots too.

    2. I can’t imagine wearing Uggs in city ice or slush. I wear my Hunters all day every day.

      1. They are 10 year old ugly Uggs so I was comfortable wearing them out and about. Leather on the feet area and then the usual Ugg suede uppers. They are so manly looking, when I was moving, one of my movers complimented them and said he had been looking for something similar. But I am shocked at how bad the sidewalks are when it snows here in Chicago. Why doesn’t the city clear the sidewalks more often?? And maybe I need new snow appropriate boots for commuting.

        1. Sidewalks are usually the responsibility of the adjacent property owner, not the city…..

  9. I just cried at my desk for the first time since I left BigLaw four years ago. (Where I cried in my office on a monthly basis, just like all the other associates.) I have a job I hate. I’ve hated it since I took it last year (I took it because it’s the Recession and I’m a lawyer and no one needs us anymore) but it’s been a paycheck and benefits, and I’ve tried every day to make the best of it. I’ve tried to get more of the kind of work I want to do. I’ve tried to maneuver in the office to work around or through difficult people (and they are legion here). I’ve brought in my supervisor in a careful way to get support as needed. I’ve taken a step back from my projects and tried a new angle to make them more successful. But there’s a roadblock at every step. I’ve never been in an environment where people were so resistant to basically everything I do. I’ve almost been laid off twice (for financial reasons — the management loves me, despite how much I hate the job). I’ve spent every single day of the last year fighting to get my work done, to get work to do, and to make the best of this situation. And I’m done. I’m so done. I suddenly just feel like I can’t do this anymore. Biglaw never sucked my soul the way this job has. My emotional reserves are gone. I tried to not care and tell myself that this job didn’t matter, it was a just a paycheck. And for the last 11 months, that worked. But it finally got to me and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m exhausted.

    1. First off, great news is that it’s Friday. Secondly, sounds like you’ve done a kick-a$$ job building your resume. Thirdly, do you want to go on a vacation or do you want to get a new job? Sounds like the latter, so why not try outsourcing that? There are recruiters, career coaches, etc. that I’m sure can help you. Do something you enjoy this weekend, maybe take an extra sick day or two over the next month, and come back whenever you need a boost. As Susedna would say, tea & sympathy!! (Though if I were you, I’d prefer wine & cookies or champagne & cake)

    2. If you hate working in this environment/firm/situation this much, I really hope that you don’t feel like you need to stick it out for the heck of it. There are def firms/legal jobs out there (incl Biglaw) that won’t make you miserable and “fit” is sooooooo important. It’s so much more important than i realized when i was doing OCI. Working environments are not created equal. This job sounds like it’s not the right fit for you. Also, if the firm isn’t financially healthy, maybe it is time to start the job hunt and plan for your exit (assuming you haven’t already begun to do so). Good luck, this sounds awful. Oh and I agree with goldribbons, I hope that you are able to do something this weekend to recharge. :-)

    3. I know how you feel. It’s so frustrating when you’ve been trying your best and rising to the occasion and your job still feels like torture. I once went to a doctor’s appointment right after a terrible meeting at work. I ended up crying to my doctor about how stressful my job was and felt like a complete wreck. She told me to repeat to myself, “I will not let work control the way I feel.” I know it’s simple, and it’s not a cure-all, but just hearing her say that helped a little. Go gentle on yourself and go do something that will uplift you, even just for an hour. Meet a friend, go sit in the steam room at the gym, buy a chai latte, whatever will help. You deserve it. I hope you find some peace of mind.

    4. I’m sorry to hear this. Try to put it out of your mind for the weekend – or start planning your next move. If we can help you with leads or ideas to get you out of there, let us know where you are and what you would like to do.

    5. I stuck with a job I hated, for the reasons you have stuck with yours. I stayed several years after I could.not.stand.it. I burned out, really out. I got sick, constantly — flu, strep throats, bladder infections, gut infections and surgery. I couldn’t sleep.

      Finally, last April, I walked into my office and gave a one month notice. It’s now been 7 months and I’m still recovering. I slept for the first month — almost 14 hours per day; now I’m reading and writing and watching the tube. I don’t want to work anywhere, at all, and I don’t want to be with anyone. (except my husband and son). I cringe when I hear I’ve got a text, when the phone rings, or when I check my emails. My muscle memory tells me that it’s work trying to contact me.

      I’m in therapy and it’s helping. I’m running low on savings and will have to get my act together soon.

      My advice: don’t do what I did and carry on for years when you hate your job. It depletes your soul. Get a recruiter, before you crash and burn like I did.

      Good luck to you.

  10. Hi ladies – my Silicon Valley big firm is sponsoring a Dress for Success event for Women’s History Month. Ignoring the ragestroke that is triggered by the male management thinking women’s history month = clothing drive, because obviously women = clothes, the fact remains that it’s a wonderful charity that does a lot of good. If anyone would like to donate to the event, holler and I’ll figure out how to get in touch with you.

    1. I dunno, dude, it’s a charity that specifically assists women in getting better jobs and being economically independent. I get pretty ragey about all sorts of feminist stuff, but this one’s not doing it for me.

    2. Really? I don’t the issue is women’s history month=clothing drive. Like you said, it is a wonderful charity that does a lot of good for women, and its sole thing is providing clothes for women to help them. This is the worst use of your ragestrokes ever.

      1. I see what you mean, but do you really need to tell someone how to use their ragestrokes? Oy.

        1. Oy to you! It was supposed to be silly, which I get doesn’t always appear obvious. Next time I add a million ;) faces to be clear

    3. I can see it depending on how the decision was made. It could have been “how can women to help other women?” or it could have been “word association with ‘women’: clothes, shoes, chocolate, pms, crying…”. SV3tt3 may have more insight into the spirit behind it than came out in the posting.

      Either way, good end result. I’m not in the area, but I hope the event is a success.

    4. I actually have been waiting for something like this to donate some suits and a few blazers/shirts that no longer fit (wohoo!) Let me know where to donate, and I’m there!

      1. My comment is stuck in moderation, but I wanted to post my email address for information regarding the Dress for Success event. anonypotamus.r e t t e at the gmail (and omit the spaces from the part after the dot. Sigh.

    5. Feel free to email me at anonypotamus.rette at the mail provided by google.

  11. These are cute! I bought myself a pair of gorgeous rainboots during a Black Friday online sale and wore them a ton with wool socks when I was up north for Christmas. Not as warm as my old snow boots, but they also didn’t leak, so much better on the whole. They’re not as classy looking as these, but still a lot of fun.

    I know this is an off-chance, but does anyone have recommendations for inexpensive flat dance shoes? I do swing dancing and need something as an alternative to the heels I have right now, since they start to hurt after an hour or so. I have very wide feet and need to put in a 3/4 length insole for arch support. I prefer real leather if possible. I foolishly procrastinated and missed out on a likely-looking pair on Amazon for only $15 a few weeks ago and now I’m kicking myself.

    1. I have Capezio split-sole flat shoes, which some jazz dancers and hip-hop dancers use. Mine are ancient but I am sure that you could find something similar. I use mine for West Coast swing and salsa when I don’t want to wear heels, and they work great.

    2. Not the most elegant solution, but I used to put duct tape on the bottom of comfortable shoes – somehow it had just the right amount of slip…

      1. You can also use moleskin on the bottom of shoes.

        I ended up picking up a random pair of slip-on nike shoes that happened to have a super smooth sole. They’re almost too slippery! (But on a separate note–yay west coast swing!)

    3. Have you looked at the ballroon/Latin shoes on discountdance dot com? They’ve also got different versions of the Capezios Nonny mentions.

  12. I saw a request for a Bay Area meet-up yesterday. How does March 16th sound? I think we are on San Francisco again location wise because the MLK Day meet-up was in Palo Alto.

    Any San Francisco requests?

    1. I’d love a meetup! How do I keep on top of the location etc if I don’t have time to check Corporette every day? The beginning of March is total insanity for me.

  13. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m looking forward to some mindless data entry to finish out the week. Does anyone else feel this way at the end of the afternoon?

    2. Yep. I just volunteered for some mindless doc review that will take up the rest of the afternoon nicely.

    3. Absolutely. Especially if I’ve been spending a lot of time with tiresome people.

  14. What’s everyone doing this weekend?!

    I’ve got a date with a Very Cute Gentleman Caller tonight… tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, so taking her out to dinner followed by probably meeting up with my girlfriends later that night. And hopefully getting a good workout or two in.

    1. Staying in the house, punctuated by shoveling, snowblowing, and building igloos with the children. :) Plus we might make some cookies or something.

    2. It’s registry weekend and mother of the bride dress shopping weekend with my momma. Wedding planning has taken over my liiiiife.

      2. If I may, are there any stores in particular (or brands) for decent m.o.b. dresses? I’d like my mom not to look horrible, but everything else I see reads too evening or old lady suit.

        1. OK, third time is a charm. I have no idea what I’m in [that thing where it won’t post] for, but I think it’s [rooster]tail.

          Of course! My mom is a pretty stylin’ lady, and wears about a 4, so I’m in a similar boat. We are just looking for cocktail dresses in the appropriate color (possibly accessorized with a wrap). Nordstrom will let you narrow all dresses by “[rooster]tail” (thought their “mother of the bride” selection is not all terrible) and color, and that will give you a good idea. We’re also looking at a lot of bridesmaids dresses at local shops, which seem to be a lot less frumpy than things labelled “mother of the bride,” as a general rule. Adrianna Papell has a lot of examples of what I’m talking about and might be a good jumping off point.

        2. Someone recently posted that they had good luck with a MOH dress going through a Nordstroms personal shopper – maybe you could try that route for a MOB dress?

          3. After the MOH success last weekend, I’ve got an appointment at Nordies for Mom! HIghly recommend calling their stylist (my mom sounds very similar to yours… they have a lot of cute and tasteful options for stylist MOBs!).

        3. Bought my (fabulous if I do say so!) MOB dress at the bridal salon….it was actually a bridesmaids dress. Short simple graphite gray sheath dress that made me look like a million bucks. Several years before found my MOG grown at a local boutique, but spent a lot of time looking through a lot of ugly dresses. My advice to friends is to start with the bridesmaids dresses…good luck!

        4. Another vote for Nordstrom. My mom got her MOB dress there, and she looked fantastic.

    3. I’m home and not working because my office is closed. I have garage parking so I won’t have to shovel and my apartment has a gym. So I’m planning to curl up and read or watch Moonrise Kingdom on demand. I don’t think Argo is available yet. Tomorrow it’s supposed to still be snowing so I’ll work out and play wii and hopefully find a Law and Order marathon. I may meet friends for dinner tomorrow, but it will depend if we can get out. And today before the snow hit my sister-in-law nephew came to my place for lunch.

      1. The best laid plans…

        Lost power at about 10:30 last night. It just came back on now. I finished an entire book, though. And I got my exercise walking up and down the pitch black halls of my building. It’s 400 steps from one end to the other.

    4. Getting back on my diet–this week was four too many fancy lunches and dinners. I’m kind of looking forward to eating “clean”. Weird, right?

      I have a first meet-up (i.e., Date 0) with a potential suitor–hiking in the hills. He’s a friend of a friend and we’ve been emailing for a few weeks. I’m pretty over the whole dating thing but she wanted to introduce us and, well, I have no reason to say no.

    5. I am going to the animal shelter to potentially find a kitty cat to come take care of me!

      Also, I am making large cardboard cut-outs of buildings. Don’t ask.

    6. Husband on call. Planning a trip down the mountain with the two boys for a trip to the childrens museum, Whole Foods for lunch and then a Trader Joes stockup. Sunday will involve….hmmm…not sure yet. Most important to keep 4 year old occupied or he turns into monster. At some point, I will rent him a movie on the computer so that I can snooze with baby while he zones out with movie. I am trying to be kind to myself, and cut myself some slack. He will not die or become a degenerate if he has more than 60 minutes of screen time in a day.

      Also — talked to my OB about issues. No meds yet (my choice) but we are keeping close eye on it. Issue is complicated by the fact that OB is also my colleague at same hospital. Though a little post partum anxiety is no more embarrassing than the way I was when I was pushing out said post partum child. So I’m putting on my big girl pants, admitting my lack of perfection (shocking, I know) and trying to ask for help. Told husband about my feelings last night (after telling you all). He was appropriately supportive, loving and wonderful. He rocks. Feeling okay about things, like I’m not solely responsible for fate of the world.

      1. Think of yourself as a one of your patients. If you saw a woman experiencing what you’re feeling, you wouldn’t bat an eye. We’re often kinder to those around us than to ourselves and to be honest being able to admit you’re not perfect makes you a lot closer to it then on the denial train :)

        1. +1000 :)

          When I was dealing with career, new baby, terminally ill parent, relationship issues, I bit the bullet and asked the social worker in my office for a referral to a colleague that she trusted. On my first visit, we chatted about life and she asked me about the line that everyone knows from flying—put your own oxygen mask on first. In order to be functional for our spouses, our children, our families and friends and our patients, we must care for ourselves first. Good on you for taking that brave step. :)

          And I totally empathize about the small community thing—everyone knows everyone in my town, too. A little daunting at first, but I’ve found lots of good collegial confidentiality.

          Lots of good thoughts to you this weekend.

      2. I’m so glad you told us and didn’t keep this to yourself, let us swat you upside the head a little, told your perpetually supportive husband, and asked for help :). Depression is a medical condition Dr. Surgeon ECMD! You wouldn’t tell one of your patients to tough out a medical condition! And no, your kid is not going to have pudding brain if he has a lot more screen time in the next few months. In no particular order, you’re a great mom, a great wife, and a great doctor. The Woman Police are not going to come revoke your overachieving chick card if you ask for some help and don’t manage to achieve superwoman status for a while.

        1. Yeah, I second both of the above. I saw your earlier post, and since I’m neither a mother nor (the right kind of) doctor, I thought I had nothing helpful to add. But I want to say it’s really admirable how focused you are on taking care of your patients…and also that it takes even more strength sometimes to admit that you need some attention and support yourself. Sending my best to you, sans any useful input whatsoever.

        3. The Women Police – lol! Actually, we could have be the Women Police who swoop in save overachieving chicks from themselves from time to time – you know we all need it.

          Way to go, EC MD. Your response to this situation is another example of your amazing-ness!

    7. Working on cleaning my youngest ds’ bedroom tonight so that it’s presentable when his cousins come & visit for the day tomorrow. The older 2 ds will also have some cleaning to do. My sil’s brother is getting married in our city (2.5 hours away from where bro & sil live) and the kids aren’t invited to the ceremony in the morning, and then the reception isn’t until early evening, so we’re watching the kids during the ceremony, and then bro & the kids will hang out until the reception (sil too, unless she needs to help get things ready).

      I’m looking forward to some quality time with Jack, my adorable 2yo nephew who really likes me (instead of dh, who is a kid magnet). :)

      Also, will get a run in and go to church and watch a movie with my boys at some point this weekend.

    8. Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday too! Sadly can’t take her out because we are in different states, but we have set up a Skype date in lieu of a visit, and my sister surprised her by showing up for the weekend. Fundraiser event tomorrow night, and spending time with SO and friends on Sunday. And hopefully a few kick-@$$ workouts. Trying to catch up on work/get ahead so I can enjoy my 5-day long weekend/mini vacay next week :)

    9. Finally finishing the raised bed and getting some veggies planted! Also cleaning out the fridge and putting the resulting compost at the bottom of veggie bed. And meal planning, groceries, and getting our meals for next week all lined up. Sounds boring, but would be so exciting if it actually happens.

    10. Because we’re ridiculously understaffed, pulling two 12 hour days in the office *le sigh* at least there’s a friend’s DJ debut on Saturday to look forward to!

    11. Right now, relaxing with kitty while watching snowstorm updates on the Weather Channel. Parade party downtown tonight. I baked cookies and might make some panini (ham, havarti and pear) to take with me as well. Tomorrow, avoiding parades while trying to get gas and groceries. Getting to the gym while it’s still open. Sunday I’ll probably allow myself to be dragged out to the jazz service at my church then day parades. We’re off Monday and Tuesday, so Monday will be a shopping day in Baton Rouge and maybe lunch with my SO, then Tuesday watching parades on TV in my pajamas.

      1. Note to self: boots with 4 inch heels look great but feet hurt after standing at a parade for hours!

        And I may have better plans for Sunday. Got invited out to brunch. I hardly ever see the friends I was with tonight and they are such great people. I need to see them more often.

    12. Friend-date tonight that I’m super looking forward to. My long-term bf and I broke up yesterday, so I could definitely use some friend-time. Some of the ladies from my Junior Legaue provisional group are having dinner/drinks tomorrow night and I’ll probably go to that (though I’m dreading being asked/forced to talk about the break-up). Other than that, probably catch up on some work and create some more art for my Etsy shop!

    13. Have fun on your date!! :)

      Tonight we’re meeting some friends for dinner in Burlingame. The rest of the weekend really needs to be spent detoxing (body as well as apartment — it’s been ages since it was given a good clean) and being active (thinking hikes and bike rides).

    14. Hanging out with some good friends Saturday morning, then a nephew’s birthday later that night. Otherwise just lounging around the house with my husband, toddler and 2-week-old son :)

    15. Had drinks with co-workers last night and then brunch + a late lunch chez the gentleman caller. Now back home prepping for a noisy night (Chinese New Year and there are loads of parties going on) and zoo tomorrow with GC and his cousins and their kids. Super excited for the pandas but even more excited about hanging out with toddlers. I adore kids (when they belong to other people).

  15. DC Rettes-

    Anyone planning on enjoying restaurant week?

    I just did lunch at Bibiana (Italian) and have reservations for Johnny’s Half Shell and Oyamel later in the weekend! Very excited, but this is my first DC Restaurant week and maybe more experienced readers have found it a disappointment.

    Bibiana lunch was good, entree was fantastic but appetizer left something to be desired.

    1. I always go out to dinner during RW with a group of friends. I found it is worth it if you stick with the very expensive restaurants. We had an amazing meal at Central a few years ago. I’m surprised to see RW menus at places where you can normally eat for less than $35.

    2. I’ve always enjoyed Restaurant Week – actually went to Oyamel for last year’s Restaurant Week and it was very good. One thing to check is whether you get to choose from the whole menu or just certain items. I believe Oyamel let us choose from the whole menu, or a very large portion of it. I think Rasika was pretty good from that point of view, too, but that was a while ago.

      The BF is laid up with foot surgery this weekend, so no Restaurant Week for us. It’s okay, we eat out entirely too much. Ooh, tried Blue Duck Tavern last weekend and it was AMAZING!

    3. Vidalia a few years ago was amazing. Bombay club and oval room are usually good options too. I normally go to places that I want to preview as a splurge (with the understanding that the service may not be as great). Also, I look at places that don’t have a pre-theater menu because often times you can get the same “deal” then.

      BTW if you haven’t done so, check out Lincoln. Loud, but tasty.

    4. I had dinner at 1905 on Tuesday and the restaurant week menu was very good! The spicy chocolate tart was my favorite offering.

    5. I recommend booking reservations as far out as possible am sticking to the top restaurants. Otherwise it’s not really worth it unless you always get dessert — lunch can also be a great option. I don’t know if Fiola and the Source are participating but both are wonderful.

      1. No Fiola :(
        Although I think they usually have a lunch deal for around $20-25.

        We went to Firefly for dinner and enjoyed it. They have multiple vegetarian options if that’s a concern for (general) you or someone in your party. DH went to a steakhouse with a friend, I think Charlie Palmer’s, and liked it but was unimpressed by the cut of the steak.

  16. It has been one of those horrible, miserable, no good, bad days: the kind where you realize you never should have gotten out of bed this morning. Going home time can not come quick enough!

    1. I’m glad I’m not alone. I’ve been having crazy anxiety attacks all week. I’m ready for the end.

    2. Yep… I’d love a Manhattan, but I think I only have wine and beer at home…..

  17. I was thinking about the thread from yesterday about snow boots, and wanted to throw in a rec for Ecco boots with Gore-Tex. Usually, they have 1-2 pairs of these a season, and they’re usually very chic looking but totally waterproof and have nice grippy rubber soles. I had a pair that lasted 3 winters even though I never took care of them before the soles wore through. I currently have a pair that look like suede “riding boots” style boots and they’ve been with me for 3 winters now, but I do take care of these (cleaners etc), so they’re in great shape.

    Just my two cents before I throw my boots on to go run around in the snow outside! :)

    1. I totally second Ecco for durability, and slip-resistance. A friend who lived in Denmark turned me on to them, and I adore them.

  18. Re posting due to moderation-

    DC people – Planning on enjoying restaurant week?

    I just did lunch at Bibiana (Italian) and have reservations for Johnny’s Half Shell and Oyamel later in the weekend! Very excited, but this is my first DC Restaurant week and maybe more experienced readers have found it a disappointment.

  19. Hey everyone,

    I don’t want this to come across as selfish, but I’m afraid it might. Maybe there’s no way around this. My husband and I are expecting our first, and we are being thrown four pretty large baby shower (work(which is actually a huge shower here…), his church, my family church, my friends). We’ve tried to decline/combine them, but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out, and it is more people involved than individual items any baby could ever need. I’m really flattered, but we don’t need that much stuff, and we’ve been trying to figure out how we could potentially make a donation to a local organization that works with teen mothers.

    Now, in the last two weeks, we have confirmed that our baby has a congenital condition that will require surgery immediately upon birth, so we’re going to be delivering at a hospital a few hours away. This is a very expensive surgery, and the hospital has given us ~$8K as the amount we’ll be responsible for after insurance. In addition to the costs of delivery, etc. In addition, there are going to be some feeding/digestion issues so we’ll for about 6 months afterwards so one of us will need to be with him (or someone trained, one-on-one, which will be pretty expensive). These costs aren’t going to kill us, but it’s going to make the next year very difficult, especially considering that all my maternity leave is unpaid.

    I don’t want to be selfish, but while there’s still a few weeks before the showers, I wish there was a way that I could ask that instead of getting duplicates and triplicates of items, that we could have a fund that could take some of the financial stress off. But I hate the idea of asking for money….is there any middle ground, or appropriate way to let people know any monetary gifts go directly into a fund for the surgery expenses?

    1. Just my two cents but this is one of those rare instances when I think it’s okay to defy etiquette rules and ask the hosts / your families to spread the word that you will need money for surgical expenses. I almost always give gifts instead of cash at these things but in this instance I would be more than happy to receive a request for cash and give it.

    2. Tough one. I will tell you having been through a lot of kids that you often get gift receipts. I would feel no shame in retuning things for cash. You can also bring in a lot of duplicates and ‘don’t likes’ for exchange & get store credit for things you’ll need like diapers or formula.
      You might also raise awareness of the issue by adding a note about a meal registry while your baby is young and having surgery. I don’t think it would be tacky to register at myregistry.com with a standard place (Buy Buy Baby or Babies R Us), plus add a link to a meal registry, plus add a link to a cash registry and explain the cash registry is for Baby X’s surgery fund. A lot of people would probably be more than happy to give cash (and they don’t care if you buy baby clothes or pay dr bills with it!) but they don’t know the story.
      Good luck. I hope your little one comes out of everything with flying colors. Don’t stress too much about what’s appropriate. Be a bit “selfish” (although I don’t think you are) – this is a trying and important time in your life. Your true friends and loved ones will totally support you and see your good intentions.

    3. Given the circumstances, I definitely think your request is reasonable. While yes, people want to buy cute onesies and clothes, people also bring you gifts at a shower because they want to be helpful and involved. And if they could be more helpful by helping fund your baby’s surgery, I’m sure people would be willing. Could you talk to the hosts of the showers about this and try to get the word out that way? I believe that Caring Bridge or one of the other sites that hosts blogs for people going through illness and major surgery has a funding page. Perhaps you could set up something like that where people could donate?

      1. Agreed. I would be more than happy to give cash under the circumstances, while normally I would never consider that as an option for a baby shower. Definitely get the word out of the need for a surgery fund.

    4. I think you can ask for money if the baby will be disabled. Just let the organizers of the showers know and they can spread the word. We had a staff member who had a Down’s baby a year or so ago. Everyone just got an email saying something along the lines of “As many of you know, Husband and his wife are expecting a baby in (month). Sadly, the prenatal tests indicate that the Baby will suffer from Downs. Because they will be faced with extra expenses, we have set up a fund in lieu of gifts for the upcoming shower for those who would like to contribute. For those who wish to give gifts, Husband and Wife are registered at (places).”

      1. That sounds like a good message for all the hosts to circulate. I totally agree that the idea of a baby shower is to “shower” the new parents with love & the things they need to get the baby off to a good start. In this case, that is money.
        One other thought: there are online registries that let you enter items from more than one store. Perhaps you could do one of those and include an account at the ace where the feedin specialist person works as one of your items, or broken down into many smaller items, like $20 “shares”. That way, you are conforming to tradition as much as possible while still asking for the $$$ you’d really find helpful.
        Enjoy your baby!

      2. Having a baby with Down Syndrome isn’t something that needs to be prefaced with “sadly,” IMO. Compassion = good. Pity or devaluing their child = not as helpful.

          3. Or people have disabilities. Sometimes people do suffer, but having Down Syndrome is not a prescription for suffering. Just because the language is common doesn’t make it useful or accurate.

    5. You can always return the duplicates and triplicates for cash/gift cards. You can use the gift cards for future diaper purchases or smilar items. Yes, you may get some clothes or some gifts that you can’t return and those can be donated or consigned even. Another way to think about it may be that you will have to pay the hospital bill, but thanks to the showers, you won’t have to spend any money on baby gear.
      For your friends shower, maybe turn it into a “feed the parents post baby” theme or something along those lines?

    6. Hugs. I would happily contribute to a fund for a friend whose newborn child needed immediate surgery, and I wouldn’t think she was selfish at all. I think you should research ways for people to contribute to a fund online, if at all possible, so they don’t necessarily need to write you a check or give you cash. And I would ask your friends and family who are throwing the showers to spread the news, plus whomever at work is organizing your shower.

    7. I definitely think this is one of those times when you can bend the rules. I’d set up a fund and either have the hosts spread the word or even mention the fund (and the reason for it) on the invite. So long as you’re not dictating that people give you money instead of a gift, I don’t see it being any different than a registry. I think guests would *want* to know.

      I like k-padi’s wording.

    8. Normally I’m of the mindset that it is never, ever appropriate to ask for money but I think in your circumstances it is totally justified to want help with all these unexpected expenses instead of gifts that you don’t need. I’m childless, as are most of my friends, so I’ve never been to a baby shower as an adult, but I understand its common to register somewhere? If so, could you set up on an online website where people can donate directly to the “medical expenses fund” and then have the existence of this website/fund communicated to shower attendees the same way the existence of the registry would be communicated? You could also set up a small registry of things you really need (diapers, etc) so those who really want to get a gift instead of money have that option.

      If you don’t want to go the formal route of setting up a website for donations I also think its completely acceptable to explain the situation to the organizers of each shower and have them spread the news to the attendees that what you really need is money for this unplanned surgery. I think people would be completely receptive to this, given how scary and unexpected this is. I know if I were an attendee I would not be offended and would be very glad to give money if that was the best way I could help. The only shower where I would maybe hesitate to do this is the work one – I think it depends on your office and your relationship with your coworkers whether you would feel comfortable doing this.

      Best wishes to you for the health of both you & your baby. I hope you have a smooth delivery and the surgery & follow-up goes well.

    9. Have the shower hosts share the information about the surgery/recovery just like they share the information about where you’re registered. Some people will just give straight cash/checks, but you could also check with the hospital to see if they support such a fund and then have the hosts of the showers spread the word about the fund too. I’ve seen some hospitals that let individual patients set up a sort of blog on the hospital website through which directed donations can be solicited. (Friends did this recently after their child was born very prematurely while they were traveling on the other side of the country.)

      As for you feeling selfish, I understand where your coming from but (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) I think you need to get over it! The people who will be attending your showers will do so because they care about you and want to support you and your baby! So let them!

      It sounds like you are planning out the best possible care for your baby. Good luck, I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible!

    10. Babyshowers, you are not at all selfish and I think you can spread the word via the hosts and/or your family that money gifts would be appreciated due to baby’s surgery. I for one would happily give cash and would probably give a cute little toy too.

      Best wishes and prayers for an easy delivery and a good surgery outcome.

    11. First of all, though you weren’t asking for this, my support for you and your spouse for this surprising development. I am sure there are all sorts of emotions going through your heart and head at this time, and I want to validate them.

      I don’t think you are being selfish. At this point, too many cute onesies may seem like a slap in the face with the real issues you are dealing with. I think you should definitely contact the hosts and explain the situation, set up a fund and ask for donations in lieu of gifts. Other ideas that crossed my mind:

      -diaper shower where people are assigned diaper sizes so that is covered for a year
      -meal shower, where people sign up and coordinate a meal schedule the first several months you are home
      — if it’s a work shower — could you be showered with paid time off (some companies let people donate their time to others?)
      – other medical supplies — it’s not as much fun as onesies, but I would be happy to buy you medical supplies as a gift.

      My heart aches for you, because suddenly what was supposed to be 100% joyous has a different cast to it. If you have so many people excited to shower you please please use them for support when you need it most. My experience is that often unexpected people rally around in unexpected ways.

      1. EC MD, this *perfect* response is exactly why I kind of idolize you. (Hopefully that’s not too creepy)

    12. I’d be happy to give cash in this circumstance. I’ve heard of people giving cash towards diaper services, nanny services and education funds, and your reason is even more compelling than any of those.

      And I suppose people always have the option of being outraged at your request and not giving cash or attending.

      1. In regards to your second paragraph (which I agree with): if they are outraged, eff them. Seriously.

    13. I think you are completely right not to want an abundance of “stuff.” Honestly, if the people who are throwing these showers know what you’re expecting to go through, they should be happy to help out with that rather than giving you a lot of cute things you don’t need. At least, that’s what I would think in that situation.

    14. Another thought–every new parent gets slugged by the nonstop responsibility of parenting. Every child gets sick during the first year. You will have more help than many, but because your child requires it. If your work friends have been informed of the situation as part of a happy event, not in an OMG, clutch your pearls, it’s a disaster kind of way, they might be more inclined to be on your team and feel more charitable about those times when, no matter how hard you’re trying, you don’t have that last little bit of energy required at work. So let them know and get invested in your baby.

    15. The etiquette side has been covered and I agree with most everyone – you are fully justified in requesting $$ as shower gift.
      I hope the delivery and surgery go well. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  20. NYC Night Safety – Fort Tryon Park threadjack

    I’m attending a wedding celebration in Fort Tryon Park and I’ve never been to the Park before.

    1)Is it safe for me to be walking by myself or with just one other person late at night? (To get back to the A train when it’s over at, oh, like 1am in the morning?)

    2)Walking from the A train station to the New Leaf Cafe — do I need commuting shoes for this?

    1. Given that it’s a wedding, is it possible to walk with a bunch of people? I recently went to a wedding where I really was only friends with the bride (and since it was out of town didn’t bring my usual date), but the wedding party walked to a safe place together to disburse…

      1. I think the timing doesn’t work (walking with others.) Especially on the return leg. I am pretty diurnal so I think I’ll start to fade at like 10pm, and I know that the core group of folks I know are very nocturnal and will likely stay till 1am. Still, it’ll be pretty dark at 10pm and I can’t necessarily count on other old diurnal people to leave around the same time I’m leaving so I can walk with them.

        I’m wondering if I should just rent a car and drive up there, rather than try to use public transport (which would require the walk in the dark, and possibly at some distance which may require other shoes.)

          1. I could, but I’m seeing enough negative reviews on Yelp that I’m thinking it might just be easier for me to deal with the car thing myself. Good suggestion maybe for another time though. Thanks!

    2. DONT BE SILLY. This is in Manahattan, but in a not so good part. No ofense, but I would NEVER walk alone at nite there, even with one other woman. It is isolated and you could be robbed or raped or worse. Make sure you are with a group of peeople or get a car service at that hour to take you out of there.

      That late anything can hapen. The manageing partner let’s me use a car service even in Midtown when I am at work after 10 pm b/c there are alot of scuzzy peeople on the streets here in MIDTOWN. You are in a dark park area where alot of scuzzy rapists are.

      BTW, before I forget, Frank got stuck in the bathroom b/c the lock jammed him inside. We had to call the building maintenace guy to come up, and that guy was stareing at me and Lynn like he never saw a woman before. So with guy’s like that around, I would NEVER go alone to a park like that at that hour. BE SAFE OR BE SORRY. AND BE WARM b/c it is SNOWY here. FOOEY!

    3. No. Get a car. Uber or pre-arrange- if you know you’ll be hitting the wall around ten, schedule a car service for 10:30.

    4. Fort Tryon Park isn’t bad, but if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. I would, but I’ve lived in upper Manhattan for 12 years.

      The New Leaf is the equivalent of a block away from the 191st A (no need for walking shoes), and there’s an attendant in the elevator at the A train station. I’ve attended weddings there, and most of the attendees left around the same time, so walking with a group is the norm. If it’s summer, there’s often an ice cream truck in the circle, and it’s well-lit.

  21. I’m in the market for a raincoat with a hood that still looks polished and chic. Is there such a thing? I have a trench coat that I love, but for traveling in rainy weather I would really love something with a hood. Any suggestions?

    1. I’ve been looking for the exact same thing for months now. Burberry has several gorgeous trenches that have hoods, so I’ve finally decided to wait until they go on sale in the fall (or until Friends and Family discount season comes around again) and invest in one of those.

    2. I like this Betsey Johnson packable anorack. It is item number 585355 at Nordstrom.

    4. London Fog Carly Clip Coat. Mine came from Belk but I see that Amazon has it. It has a detachable hood, is neither highly fitted nor shapeless – though it is probably closer to fitted than loose. It is machine washable. I have gotten many, many compliments on it. Wherever it is to be found, appears to be on sale for less than $100 now.

    5. Merrell Ellenwood Rain Jacket, if you need/want one that’s actually waterproof, and not just water resistant. Roommate bought one at REI and I’ve been terribly tempted since. There were a few others there that were quite nice looking, also–not just “I’m going hiking in the woods” type stuff.

  22. You guys. I haven’t had my sit down review with my manager yet, but as we’re all working from home today because of Finding…Snowstorm Nemo, he completed my review on line. We do a rating system, bascially like grading A-F…. I’m extremely new to my field, had no background in it upon being hired, so obviously it’s been a struggle, but I felt I was doing well. I thought I was harsh giving myself a C for the year, especially in light of my manager making such great comments about my work performance the past few months. Since he did the review online today, I got an email notification from the system. And he gave me a D! I’m honestly shocked, and so disappointed about this. vent vent VENT! And a sad face to boot.

    1. I’m sorry! That must be a terrible feeling. It seems particularly mean since it was communicated to you online. I feel like it’s easier for people to be harsh when they aren’t talking to you face to face. Maybe that skewed it some?

    2. I’m so sorry! (Side note, A-F grading at work sounds awful — had enough of it in 16 years of schools thanks…)

    3. I’m sorry! We’re getting reviews soon too and it always makes me nervous. The only consolation is that maybe your company just grades really harshly? Like for us to get a C would mean “wow you’re doing a great job” (i.e. there is no grade inflation, to get an A you must’ve invented something crazy that made the company 5 million dollars). So get a D would be like “eh…you could really do more to meet your objectives but you aren’t horrible” and F would be “we really need to work on some stuff, what’s going on?”

    4. You should talk with your boss about this, but even if its a rating system from 1-5 or something, that DOES NOT necessarily mean that a 1 is an A, 2 is B, etc. Take a look at the words they use – is a 3 “average” or “meets expectations”? Because unlike school, where so many of us “overachieving chicks” were used to receiving As, at most workplaces the top ranking is very very very rare and basically means “you should have been promoted already to more responsibility”, and an “average” or “C” rating is what most employees get. So if you are struggling, than “below average” might be appropriate for right now, especially if you are in a position that is above entry level but new to the field. While it sucks to hear you are below average, what you need to do now is focus on what steps you can take to improve, and if your boss made any specific suggestions on the review, take them seriously.
      Also, do you only have 1 review per year, or do you have quarterly or semi-annual reviews? If only annual, ask your boss if you can have an informal quarterly just to check in and see if you are making progress toward “average” or “above average” for the next year.

      1. Thanks to everyone who replied. And it is 1-5, actually, I just thought it’d be a little more anon using A-F haha. And the thing is, we were supposed to have a face-to-face review, but Nemo got in the way. The kicker–there were comments on the review, that were STELLAR. Like talking about how much I’ve improved since our mid-year review. Looking at the rating rubric, a 2 (D?) is “consistently failing to meet expectations” which is SO FAR from the feedback I’ve gotten throughout the year. I have been getting glowing feedback on my work the past six months, stepping up to work on extra projects at the last minute, and I’m always the first one on the team in, the last to leave. I’m honestly just still shocked at it, and need to assess over the weekend if/how I want to approach the situation next week. I do like Meg Murry’s idea of quartrely check-ins, as this is unacceptable to me. I’m not very good at self-advocacy/confronting criticism, so it’ll be an difficult discussion.

        1. Is it actually possible that he reversed the scale? No lie, that happened to me once with an older partner who wasn’t so good with the technology.

        2. Difficult decision? You just said it was unacceptable. You have to talk to your boss about it.

          1. I meant like difficult to get myself set to bring it up/how to, and such. Poor wording. Unacceptable for me to be “below expectations.”

        4. Ouch ! I’ve been there before – it can feel bewildering and dehumanising to be cut down by an unsatisfactory number. Some thoughts on where your boss might be coming from
          : some companies require supervisors to achieve a normal distribution for their staff ratings – your boss may feel he has to have some poorer ratings within his team
          : your rating might reflect poorer performance at the start of the year and improvement only later on – if your boss has to grade to a curve, he may feel he should reserve his higher grades for colleagues who’ve put in more consistent performance
          : likewise, your rating might reflect some ‘headroom’ to improve in the coming year, simply by performing at the level you’ve achieved in the second half of the last year

          Unlike posters above, I think it is less likely your boss made a mistake with the relative order of the ratings. In my experience, it is actually quite hard to do this if you’re providing ratings for more than 1 person.

          As to what next, I’d say give yourself a bit of time to get over the shock and then have a discussion with your boss that focuses on ‘how do I improve the rating in the coming year’. Keep the discussion forward-looking – you won’t win in a he-said she-said exchange with your boss about past incidents or by pointing out how he’s given you inconsistent/ confusing feedback – and try to avoid emotional language ‘shocked’ ‘unacceptable’. Good luck !

        5. Didn’t see this before my post below…. but, doing well in the last 6 months doesn’t erase the 6 months prior, no? And improvement from where you were 6 months ago doesn’t mean you’ve hit the meet expectations level, yet, but if their is stellar commentary, then you should take that as encouragement AND that you are growing into the position.

          You may also want to get clarity as to whether this is a quality vs quantity issue. Its great to take on additional work, and have more face time, but if the issue is qualitative, none of that will get you very far. And please understand, quality issues don’t necessarily mean your work is bad, it just may not be what your boss wants, or at the same standard of your peers.

          Look past the hurt, and dig into how this review is an opportunity for you … (Ugh, I know that sounded like HR speak, and I am not in HR, but it is something that I have found to be very helpful, versus trying to change someone’s mind, particularly a boss’.)

          1. Gah! I wish there was and edit function – “their” should have been “there”….

    5. We have a similar scale, and at my firm, getting 3 is what you’re expected to do. If you’ve done above average on certain things, a 4 is a plus – and a 5 is rare, even if you’re perfect and getting promoted at every level. And for people used to getting the top grade, it is difficult to understand that the average is what is expected of you.

      A 2 sounds wrong if you’re getting praised on every level – it should have been caught before the review time if you’re new and constantly getting feedback.

    6. Have you read the review? If not, you may be prematurely freaking out. If so, are there specific and quantifiable things you need to improve? Its quite possible to get positive feedback, and still have several areas where improvement is needed. And you may be improving, just perhaps not at the expected pace – as sad as it is, we don’t get evaluated solely on effort but also the results. Take the day to be frustrated, provided you have enough information, and then use the review to build your goals for the next year. Figure out what you can quantifiabley work to improve…..

  23. I really love Hunter boots, especially in this color, but they just don’t fit my fatted calves :(

        1. My fatted calves are closer to 17 inches and just squeeze into my Huntress boots.

  24. I think it’s finally time to get on this–to address the 30s blah, what am I doing with my life? issues that talking to a girlfriend just doesn’t address anymore…

    I value the hive’s advice so I thought I’d start here in my search.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. I am alot like you. BUT you have more then you realise. You are liveing in mabye the greatest CITY and there is alot to do everywhere. You, like ME, just need the right guy to make your life complete. I think about this alot, paricularly b/c I have met so many loosers, but there is a prince out there for both of us (NOT BALD and NOT DRUNK), who will respect us for who we are, that we have BRAINS, not just BRESTS, and that we can have a good family life and have kid’s we can bring up TOGETHER.

      That is what we are waiting for. And we will get it, my dad says, b/c we have earned the RIGHT to be happy. THAT means, he says, NOT setteling for just any schlub with a dollar in his pocket, but a guy with a good personality, a good job, and the desire to make us happy while we make him happy. THAT IS NOT BAD, and it mean’s what you need it to mean. Mom says dad has alway’s been there for her, and DAD has been true to mom 100%.

      I want to be like that and you should to. That means for me NOT letting men have there way in bed with me, then burpeing and walkeing away (like Alan) and NOT being subsevrent to them either. We have to be treated as EQUALS, meaning that we AGREE on what is good for us both as partner’s. That could MEAN not having procretive sex before marrage, then finding out he is haveing sex with other girls. FOOEY. My man must be true to me, even if it means NOT having sex at all. I no longer beleive a man HAS to have sex or explode, like Alan said. If your guy said this, he is NOT being trutheful. FOOEY on that. If I can do with out sex, then he should to. Myrna has sworn off alot of guys she meets b/c that is also all they want from her. They think she is a party girl who will do anything once she has a few drink’s in her. NO MORE, she says. The guy’s are the one’s leeveing the party holding their own, but not with her, and she gets alot of wholsome exercize without haveing to please these guy’s.

      Just think about this and you will be alot happyier and forget about the negative’s. Just remember you are YOUNG, and live in the CITY! Yay!!!!!

    3. I can strongly recommend Dr. Maryann Juska, a clinical psychologist who practices in east midtown.

      Therapy is really one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. When I went through my quarterlife crisis, I started therapy and learned not just how to deal with the issues that were getting me at the time, but also how to change thinking patterns to be happier long-term. Totally worth it, even if you feel shy or embarrassed about going in the beginning.

  25. I have a problem. Over the past 3 months or so I developed feelings for my closet guy friend. We’ve known each other for 8 years and in that time nothing but platonic things have happened between us. We mostly spend time just the two of us together, because our friend groups don’t really overlap much, and our one mutual friend has commented that there is ‘tension’ between us but I think he’s wrong. We do flirt I suppose but nothing more than two friends would. I’m pretty sure that he isn’t interested, otherwise wouldn’t he have tried something one of the many times we’ve travelled together? Plus, I think this is something that just happens in male/female friendships sometime, and I don’t want to throw that away. We are both single, but I’ve been hurt dating guy friends in the past.

    What to do? How do. I get over this?

    1. So basically you are dating, but without the terminology or garden parties. I think if you are just going to feel anxious wondering ‘what if” and get more uncomfortable you might as well make a move. Either it works (hi Harry and Sally) or it doesn’t, but either way you have your answer.

      1. So basically you are dating, but without the terminology or garden parties. I think if you are just going to feel anxious wondering ‘what if” and get more uncomfortable you might as well make a move. Either it works (hi Harry and Sally) or it doesn’t, but either way you have your answer.

        1. You wrote “closet,” but I assume you meant “closest.” For what it’s worth, I was once in a very similar situation with my own closest male friend…and I learned how good a friend he really was after we talked about dating, decided not to, and went back to normal without any drama. People always say they’re worried about ruining a friendship by experimenting, but in fact I think strong, close friendships between mature people can get through something like this and even end up stronger. The stakes may be lower than you think here.

    3. I’m assuming that you are wondering how to stamp out the feelings rather than how to act on them? If so, every time you feel attracted to him, remind yourself of the reasons why you wouldn’t be happy dating him. Maybe his career would pull you away from where you want to live. Maybe he’s terribly messy. Whatever. There’s bound to be something – there are always traits you can excuse from a friend but not from a partner.

  26. This may be silly, but can we have a list of words you wouldn’t expect would cause a post to be stuck in m o d e r a t i o n, but do? I ask because I just attempted to respond to L about 8 (4?) times. Also, I apologize for the multiple identical posts once they actually go up!

      1. Thank you! I used c-ta1l, but then tried to re-post it without the c- part. Does ta1l also set it off?

    2. Ha, thanks!! I appreciate the effort. I’ll check back and appreciate your help. Everything I’ve looked at so far is either super skanky (which is super awkward bc hello it’s my mom) or really frumptastic

      1. Yes! Same problem. The short version is to try Nordstrom’s c-ta1l dresses and Adrianna Papell, as well as bridesmaids dresses :)

        1. My mother got her MOB dress from Nordstrom’s and had a great experience and looked great.

    3. On a related note, I keep getting “you are posting too quickly” notices even when I haven’t posted anything for 2 days! :(

        1. I’ve decided that as well. I find refreshing the page is the best solution.

    5. Anything with h@sh in it. e t t e will get you in any form, even in the middle of a word. Also, words like peac*ck.

      BB, it isn’t you who is posting too quickly. It is that people in general are all trying to post at the same time. At least that’s my understanding.

  27. Anyone else in So. Cal watching the news for more information about Christopher Dorner? If so, where are you going for updates? Or are there really no recent updates?

    1. Same question. KPCC seemed to be including it in their news broadcast, but other than that I haven’t found/seen/heard anything that was halfway decent. If you find something, please post and I’ll do the same!

    2. I am honestly a little afraid that my father (who owns a black pickup truck) will be accidentally shot as well in addition to those other three people. I understand it’s a tense and scary situation, but there is no need for LAPD to endanger civilians even more!

      1. Agreed! Shooting at innocent people is not acceptable. Though, last I heard, his truck was found in Big Bear burning. So, I don’t think they’re still looking for trucks.

        I never did find any news source that is updating regularly.

  28. I know there was drama (that I do not even pretend to understand) about e_pontellier and she is probably not posting anymore, but if anyone knows how she is doing, I would love to hear it.

    1. No idea how she’s doing but her e-mail address which she posted here before is e.pontellier.r e t t e at the gmail if you want to reach out to her.

    1. Concur! It’s unfortunate this is getting raised in the middle of a fiscal crisis — will make it harder to implement. Wish I could save up my 22 unpaid days until I have kids :-).

    2. I’m getting so aggravated with all of the commenters on those stories saying the government gets such amazing benefits, better than the private sector and that they don’t deserve more. Before working for the gov my husband worked for a major insurance company. My law firm insurance and his prior health insurance through his old job was better (cheaper and better coverage) than the gov insurance. My job and his prior job offered LTD and STD insurance. His gov job doesn’t His prior job and my current job includes bonuses, cost of living increase, and merit increases. He hasn’t received a raise in years due to the salary freeze. The only real benefit over the private sector is working a set forty hour work week with flex-time and work from home capability. The government absolutely needs some parental leave. FMLA is not paid. What does a woman do if she gets pregnant in her first year of work? Obviously it is not idea but stuff happens. Do you just lose your job? Ridic.

      1. You didn’t specify if he works for the feds or a local or state agency. It makes a difference.

      2. That’s why I couldn’t take a USAO job. I’m the sole breadwinner and knew I wanted to have kids in the exact time horizon that I would have been USAO-ing, and couldn’t figure out how to do it on a federal paycheck and without federal parental leave. Still breaks my heart a little bit.

  31. Follow up to Ru’s conversation today about ailments that led to my conversation about POTS with @roses–

    @roses–if you see this, I’d love to put you in touch with my sister, if you don’t mind. She’s really curious about what medications may have worked for you. You can email me at batgirlstrikesagain3@gmail.com. Thanks so much!

        1. The bummer is that I’m working late in part because my bar study leave starts tomorrow (I lateraled to another state). So even when I finish this stuff, there will be no respite.

          WOE IS I.

    3. At home — worked all day Saturday, and it’s looking like another full day of work on Sunday. BLERG.

  33. Sanity check: so, I didn’t think I had a problem with being single for as long as I have until one of my guy friends said yesterday, “wait, so you’re (insert list of things that are awesome)…how are you single?” I wanted to melt into the floor and die, basically. I know he meant in a completely platonic and non-creepy way, and as a compliment, but all I heard was “so what the hell is wrong with you?” I should have heard “you’re pretty awesome, girl.” I thought I was really fine with being single (because I DO know I’m awesome!) but I felt reallyreallyreally bad after that. I don’t really have time to worry about the lack of dudefriend in my life right now because I’m full-speed-ahead job hunting and trying to figure out how to be an adult after grad school ends (I’m K-JD). And I fly solo like a boss. But…feelsbadman. Is this a symptom of crazy or a fairly normal response? I get this question semi-regularly and it always makes me feel absolutely terrible…I’m sure I’m not the only one in that boat.

    1. I got that all.the.time when we lived on the High Plains in Texas. People just couldn’t fathom a grown woman-a professor! A mother! being single. They’d even suggest where I could meet somebody. But like you, I knew it wasn’t the right time of my life for that. I had other things to think of. Maybe that’s an answer you could use–you’re focused on other things right now, so anyone who’s interested will have to take a number. Stay awesome!

    2. It makes me feel awful as well. Like they’re wondering what’s secretly wrong with me.

    3. This could be ME also. No one can beleive that a beautiful and smart girl like me, comeing from good stock (with a dad that turned DOWN MENSA), who went to law school, is a member of the NY Bar in Good standing, and has a high powered lawyer job in the greatest city in the world, is SINGLE, and not MARRIED.

      Often I do NOT beleive this myself, but when peeople tell me the above, it does highlite the incongueity of it all. My dad says I should get MARRIED, but my mom say’s to be more select, b/c of Dad takeing care of me, noI can aford to and do not need another man to pay the bills in exhange for giving him sexueal favor’s. I do not do some of those thing’s. Ptooey!

      All I can say is to keep tryeing, and there will be a guy for you (and me — YAY!). Myrna and watched an Officer and a Gentelman last nite with Richard Gear and he was a Prince in the end –Yay! We want to be like Debra Wingar, and get swept off our feet, and carried away to a life of LOVE! Yay! Myrna said she will NOT acept any guy who is NOT as good as Richard Gear was. We do NOT know what ever hapened to him and who he MARRIED. But he is probabley to old for us now. FOOEY! In a CITY this big, there has got to be a Richard Gear for us in Manhattan. We will wait for that guy and will NOT settel for less. YAY!

    4. That question makes me feel awful. I think because it’s usually accompanied with a note of pity.

    5. I hope you can bring yourself around to thinking of it as the compliment it was intended to be instead of something that makes you feel imperfect. Five years ago I got married at 42, and I have single friends my age. My husband will tell me privately how amazing my friends are and wonder why they’re not married. I find this is so gratifying because in your forties, people tend to stop matchmaking and act like you’re an old maid. When my husband says these things, I hear him saying that my friends are amazing and desirable women. I hear it as an aspersion on the clueless men out there rather than on their attractiveness and ability to be in a relationship.

      1. How is it “an aspersion on the clueless men out there rather than on their attractiveness and ability to be in a relationship” when it starts from the premise that the only natural way for a woman to exist is in a relationship? The question assumes that there must be something really off-base if a woman can’t recognize that is her basic nature and then go find a SO.

        1. I don’t think this is a gendered thing. I hear women say it about men all the time too.

        2. I used gendered language because we are all women commenting on how this feels, especially when it is repeated. But of course it is true for men as well. No one wants to think of themselves as the chocolate cookie without the cream. Silly analogy, but we are whole cookies in ourselves. If I want someone to be with in my old age, I’ll look for him in my old age.

        3. I don’t see her friend’s question beginning with “the premise that the only natural way for a [person] to exist is in a relationship”. Instead, I see it beginning with the premise that many people want to be in a committed relationship, even if the timing is inconvenient for one.

          I agree that we’re whole cookies in ourselves. But the question from Briefly Anon’s friend seems different from the awkward questions that relatives used to ask me at family gatherings: “Why aren’t you married?” “When are you going to find someone?” When I was asked those questions, I felt like they wanted to cut me down to size, to spotlight the one area where I had nothing to show.

          On the other hand, Briefly Anon’s friend really seemed to want to build her up (at least from the way I read it). I really like Anon’s translation below: “You’re awesome, I don’t get why no one has snapped you up.”

    6. Questions like this generally come from people who are in relationships. To me it comes across as they think there is something wrong with being single, not something is wrong with the person in question. As we know, people can live fabulous, full lives regardless of relationsip status.

      1. I do think it usually (particularly from friends) is coming from a place of “You’re awesome, I don’t get why no one has snapped you up”, not from a place of “you have a vagina, so you need a man, what’s wrong with you?”

        Men get this too, my husband got it ALL THE TIME from his friends before we met.

        Also, if you’re K-JD, you’re too young to be feeling pressured to “partner up”. Tell them you’re sure someone would snap you up if you were interested in being snapped up, but you’re kinda busy right now.

        1. Agree. It’s not a given that someone who isn’t in a partnership *wants* to be “snapped up”.

  34. Are these cute or ugly for weekend/wearing with jeans? I’m looking at the black ones. I need a second opinion because I keep second guessing myself.

    And if they don’t float your boat, any suggestions for black loafer style shoes that are cute? I prefer loafer styles that you can actually wear socks with, because I need my socks in Wisconsin fall/winter/spring.

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000B2ZFUC/?psc=1&ref=ox_sc_sfl_title_1&ie=UTF8&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

    1. As a side rant, I HATE the way shoes are set up on Amazon. Why are there four different options for 9.5 shoes and identical color options listed multiple times? It takes me ten years just to figure out what’s available in my size and which combination will get me the best price.

        1. Ditto. Why, oh why did they get rid of Endless? It was so easy to get great stuff on there.

      3. Have mercy, YES. I’ve stopped shopping for shoes at Amazon as their search interface is so awful. I don’t have that kind of time to waste. Sure miss Endless.

    2. What style jeans do you wear? These don’t do it for me, but due to my waist-to-hip ratio, I wear trouser or skinny boot jeans, never tapered or skinny. Also, my feet are more comfortable in a bit of a heel than something totally flat, so except for my chuck taylors, my shoes all have a little height. In the winter and early spring, I wear tall motorcycle boots under my jeans, because I’m totally with you on the socks thing.

      6pm dot com is having a Rockport sale, so that might be a good place to look.

    3. I’m not a huge fan of these, especially the seam over the toe. I came up with a bunch of comfortable-looking black loafers in a similar price range, but I’ll post them separately to avoid moderation.

      I totally agree about socks in Wisconsin! I’m from Madison and lived there until last summer. Even wearing socks that are too short is a recipe for freezing misery.

  35. Any advice on taking the GRE for someone who hasn’t taken a standardized test in decades?

    I’m looking into an executive master’s program, for which my job will pay roughly half the tuition. Classes one 4-day weekend/month for two years straight. It’s a big commitment, but if I want to move more than one to two more steps up the ladder in my industry, I need the credential.

    I was really good at standardized tests back in the day, but I know that the way they’re given has totally changed – I had to bring number two pencils to a test site, if that helps you young ‘uns understand…

    Has anyone else gone back to school after years away?

    1. I don’t have advice on going back to school after years away (although that program sounds like my dad’s EMBA, which he has found incredibly helpful and useful in his career, so it sounds like a great opportunity!) but most of the big test prep companies, like Kaplan and Princeton Review, offer free practice tests of all the major tests (SAT, LSAT, GRE, GMAT, etc) as a marketing tool. Maybe look to see if one is offered in your area and take one cold, to get a sense of if you’re starting from a place where you’re good enough, as is, or if you’ll need to put in some studying or take a class.

    2. I took the GMAT a few years ago, and although I hadn’t taken that long of a break from school (it was 2 years after college graduation), I did find it a lot harder to get back into standardized testing mode than I expected. I’m not sure about the GRE, but the GMAT was computerized.

      For me, the hardest part was the math because it had been many, many years since I’d done a proper math problem. If you are in a quantitative job, it’s still hard because there are “shortcut” ways that you do the problems. Several of my engineer friends took the test and failed miserably the first time because they would spend too long on the problems (even if they got the right answer). The verbal was much easier for me since I never stopped having to write. The GRE verbal, however, has a lot more difficult vocab (my info is from ~4 years ago, so not sure if they’ve changed it). You may be looking at memorizing a lot of flash cards if you aren’t in a job that requires you to write academic papers.

      I would recommend either taking a course, or getting yourself a bunch of prep books (they’re expensive, but worth it in my opinion). My first try, I spent ~15 hours total taking some practice tests and didn’t do too well. The second time, I did things properly and spent 5-10 hours a week for 2 months to prep.

    3. Take this with a grain of salt because I took the GRE many many years ago, but I was in college when I took it and I didn’t prepare at all (yeah, goofy kid). I did pretty well but the hardest part was the math because, although it was just geometry and algebra, you had to come up with the formulas out of your head. I was glad I had really solid geometry teachers in high school and remembered a lot of it!

      1. Thanks for the input. Momentsofabsurdity, I am totally doing what you recommend. Hope to have time for a practice test this week to see what my baseline is.

        I’m pretty confident about the verbal/writing sections. I’ve always been comfortable with language and vocab, and I write nearly every day at work. The math is the scary part, because although I’m an analyst – seriously, I live in Excel – I haven’t taken a math class since high school in the late ’80’s. I remember concepts well, and have what I think is a solid working knowledge of math, but I’ve been out of academics for a long time.

    4. Trick to the GRE is to learn how to take the test vs knowing the material. Get a book (I used Kaplan) and use it. Create flashcards for all the words they provide (a high number will be on the test) because you don’t just need to know the word, you need to know the dictionary definition. Review and practice the math subjects and tricks they present, since the test wants you to know the tricks and equations rather than general aptitude. Review the writing style guide and follow it. It’s not a time to be creative.

      The book should also give you a code for practice online tests. They are helpful for anyone, but particular for someone new to computerized testing. The primary difference is that you can’t easily skip around between questions and that the difficulty adjusts to your level. That will affect your strategy because (1) you NEED to get the first ~10-12 right and (2) you can’t gauge your status by how easy or hard the questions are for you.

    5. I took the GRE two years ago. The math/quantitative section is fine as long as you review by buying a GRE book, reading through the math section and actually doing the practice problems. The verbal section is very much dependent on knowing the vocab – so flashcards and memorization!

    6. The math part is awful! I went into the exam (given on a computer) knowing that my other two scores had to be awesome to make up for my math score. I would suggest focusing on algebra. That seemed to be a bulk of the problems. I believe there is a 5,000 word master list of words that can be used on the GRE exam. I learned more of the root components ( sub, a, re, dis, etc.) of the words instead of the definition of each individual word. Also, look into how much time you will have for each section so you don’t fall behind and do not have the opportunity to answer the question. Take a few practice tests!

  36. I posted this on the wrong thread so am trying here again –

    I have a question for all of you smart ladies.

    I have an entry level opening and have two qualified candidates.

    One candidate is what I would call typical to our department. The other candidate was recruited during our diversity outreach and is a minority.

    On paper, the minority candidate is not quite as strong as the other candidate is. Three fellow managers interviewed both candidates and said they preferred the typical candidate. (We always have peer manager interviews, even though this open position reports to me.)

    I am torn. The minority candidate clearly did not have the opportunities in life the other candidate had and we should take that into consideration. For instance, this candidate went into the military at age 18 in order to be able to pay for college and served 6 years before college. The other candidate is a typical parents-paid-for-college candidate.

    My fellow managers say we need to be unbiased and go by facts only. If we go by straight facts – college grades, relevant experience, etc., the non-minority candidate has a slight edge. But then how do companies ever achieve diversity?

    If it matters, I liked the personalities of both candidates very much.

    1. Have you seen that West Wing episode where President Bartlett refuses to pardon a criminal right before the criminal is executed? President Bartlett’s priest comes to visit him when the criminal is executed, and the priest says something like, “God sent you so many signs and yet you say you didn’t have enough of a reason to pardon him.” I hope you know which episode I’m talking about because I’m not doing a very good job explaining. Anyway, that’s what your situation makes me think of.

    2. If you keep this mindset that hiring the minority candidate would mean hiring the sub-standard candidate, I truly fear that you will be perpetuating obstacles for minorities in your office. If that person ends up making mistakes, under-performing, etc., your colleagues and possibly you are going to think about and say “we shouldn’t have hired that person just because of their race.” And should that happen, I can almost guarantee that your colleagues will be much more hesitant to hire a non-traditional candidate in the future.

      You need to start thinking about this in terms of what the two candidates will do to enhance your office, not how to make life fair for them. It’s not being “unbiased” by just choosing a candidate based on the criteria you “usually” go with, if that criteria has not been examined for how well it correlates with the objectives your office is trying to achieve. Why did you have a minority outreach program in the first place? Is your workplace suffering because of a lack of diversity in backgrounds – e.g., lack of new ideas, or clients who are not happy that your company is not diverse? Is a lack of discipline an issue for new hires, for which the non-traditional person’s military background could prove to be an asset? If so, those are positive marks for the non-traditional candidate. But if you can’t think of a way that the non-traditional candidate would add to your team in a new way that you hadn’t thought of before, and you are just hiring him/her because you feel bad about his/her background, you would be doing both that person, the company, and future non-traditional candidates a disservice by hiring the person.

    3. If the minority candidate is not the strongest candidate, then don’t hire him or her. Companies achieve diversity by doing what your are doing – expanding their search parameters so that they reach out to find qualified candidates. So you didn’t get the right candidate this time, keep looking. If you hire someone who isn’t qualified for the job, you are setting both the candidate and the company for failure, which doesn’t benefit anyone.

      That said – are the “on-paper” qualifications the ones needed for the job? Because I have hired people who looked terrific on paper, and were not so terrific on the job. Be certain the hiring criteria match what you need to get the job done well.

    4. Companies achieve diversity by hiring the less qualified on paper candidate, because that person’s diversity brings something to the company that can be measured on paper. That is what affirmative action is. Otherwise diversity would just be achieved naturally if you were always hiring the best candidate and everything was equal.

      1. Sorry, but no. This is wrong. Completely wrong.
        There is no need to hire a “less qualified candidate” and if you think this, it sounds like you assume all diverse hires are/were inferior candidates and that simply is not true.
        That is NOT what affirmative action is – AT ALL.
        Affirmative action means you can not assume the candidate is inferior, and/or disqualify their candidacy based upon race/gender or any other protected status. If people were able to put aside their bias and assumptions and hire based upon qualification, there would be no need for affirmative action programs, but there is very little in our history to suggest that this has been normative behavior and significant, substantive and documented evidence that the opposite is in fact true.
        In fact, the inferences in your very post is a fine example of why affirmative action is still needed…..

        1. I said less qualified on paper, not less qualified in general. And sorry- you are actually wrong about affirmative action. Its about taking people who score lower on test scores or qualifying points over more qualified ON PAPER candidates because of the history of receiving unequal treatment. It is not about ignoring race or gender, its about affirmatively considering race and gender, and includes policies of racial or gender quotas. Ignoring race is just not being racist, it is not affirmative action. Also as someone who has benefited from those policies, I really take exception to your rude last sentence.

          1. Wanted to add- because of the history of unequal treatment and because of the value that diversity itself creates.

        2. Hiring people based on qualifications only would not obviate affirmative action, because the difference in education and opportunity starts very, very young, so kids are behind already when they’re in grade school, and it just builds from there as not having the background at each successive level means they are not as well prepared for the next (and the next, and the next…) And then they aren’t in a position to get their kids off to the best start. That’s what affirmative action has to act against, to get everyone up to the same starting line.

        3. What just happened?? There was a post here by Anon 2:23 and now it’s gone. My most recent post disappeared too, and the total number of comments has gone *down* from 311 to 304. Whaaaaaaaaaa?

        4. Meh, feel free to take exception, then. I’ve benefited from them, too. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life being the only or one of a very few Black woman in elementary school, prep school, undergrad, law school, b-school, chambers, BigLaw etc…. I’m certain that affirmative action played a role in my getting considered/ in some of those doors. I’m absolutely positive that I was qualified for ALL of them and my performance kept me there and/or allowed me options.

          I still think you are completely wrong.
          Scoring lower on standardized tests/grades is not solely based upon having a history of unequal treatment. Sometimes, a person is just not that bright, regardless of their background or life history and placing them in roles for which they are unqualified allows for a photo op and an untimely exit. Affirmatively considering race or gender does not mean raising those considerations above competency qualifications or minimum standards.

          At no point have I suggested ignoring race or gender – both of those factors, and doubly so if you are a woman of color, inform who you are, how you think, and the perspective of your life experience, which is all extremely valuable, but none of that trumps not being qualified for the job…

          Less qualified on paper versus less qualified in general is splicing an already split end. What is really offensive is that reality that most diverse candidates have to be better, just to be considered…… And yet people still buy into your suggestion that they aren’t qualified, or aren’t as qualified and when you present that as a reality to an audience this broad, you confirm the thoughts of some, and potentially taint the thoughts of others.

          No ma’am. Have a seat with that less qualified stuff…..several of them….

          1. I don’t think anyone here is arguing for unqualified candidates to be hired. The OP said that the difference between the two is very slight, not that the minority candidate is significantly below the other. Of course some people simply are smarter than others. That’s why I suggested taking potential into account, because where they are now really doesn’t matter as much as what kind of employees they will grow to be.

          2. I never said not qualified for the job. I am talking about a situation like this, when the second or third most qualified for the position is a minority. Good lord

    5. I’m not sure if this matters but for an entry level position perhaps the person who was in the military has a better understanding of what it means to take direction, work in a team, show up to work, all of those things that are necessary to be successful at work that some recent college graduates without work experience don’t have a proven track record of. Also, does your department have a history of always taking candidates that look best on paper, or is “fit” an important criteria as well? If your company has a history of soft characteristics being important in hiring decisions, then you may have more leeway in hiring.

      Also, semi-related. I read this article recently about how colleges are doing a good job of recruiting under represented minorities but a terrible job at retaining them. If this person is truly less qualified are you 100% committed to training them and supporting them until they are 100% successful in the job? It’s pretty crappy, IMO to hire someone that may have some struggles and then abandon them when they aren’t immediately successful (not that you would, just saying…)

    6. Thanks to everyone who has chimed in so far. You are voicing most of the things I’ve been struggling with, except maybe for the God telling what to do thing. For the record, God isn’t helping. She’s busy.

      I look forward to any further responses.

      1. Totally agree with the point on diversity made by Anon above. Diversity isn’t just that your company can check off a box; that different experience gives a different perspective, so the employee might come up with different solutions than the mainstream people. It doesn’t make sense to have an outreach program if the candidates it finds are not hired.

        If the entry level position requires the new hire to learn and grow a lot on the job, then you have to look at their ability to do that. Besides the military veteran having the advantage that EC MD mentions, one might have more potential than the other. How do you think they compare in that regard?

        But Divalicious and Roses make good points too–if the minority candidate really is less qualified, you wouldn’t be doing him/her a favor unless they can already do most of it and you have a clear route to bring them up to speed. Setting up a path, if you are not finding qualified minority candidates, would really show commitment to diversity.

        I’m thinking about this through my son, whose father is African. They have almost no contact, and my Midwestern white family is my son’s frame of reference, so he does not identify as black, and we are very similar, but I can already see that people react differently to him than they did to me at his age when he does the same things I did, and his teachers comment on his ability to see things differently than his classmates (who are white). I also am thinking of an idea the Florida school board came up with last summer–increasing the % of black and Hispanic kids who meet grade level requirements by setting different, lower requirements for them. I am so opposed to that it makes me physically ill to think about it. I’ve got a bright kid who’s learning to be a hard worker (he made lemonade, put together a stand, and is out there selling it right now). I do not want there to be any question about what set of criteria he’s met. There is a real problem with those kids not meeting the standards, but what they need is better instruction, not lazy breaks.

        1. If the outreach program is not finding qualified candidates, improve your outreach program, not hire unqualified candidates. There are more than plenty, but I can tell you, it is most difficult when you are the first, or the second person of color because all of that “typical hire” stuff – the “fit” issues, they work both ways and if someone is uncomfortable, they are going to stay, and if you’ve set them up to fail, its going to be a disaster all the way around.

          I completely agree with you about not having varying academic standards. No, no, no, no!!What is needed is better quality teaching, in the early education years, not lowered standards or expectations.

          1. …. are NOT going to come (or even apply), or stay…. and yes, people do their homework and check out organizations “culture’ when deciding whether or not to get into the process….

          2. I agree with you to a point, but if the reason the outreach program isn’t finding qualified candidates is that there aren’t enough out there, looking harder won’t help. (whether there are “more than plenty” or not depends on the region & maybe on the microregion). An OTJ training program could “create” the qualified candidate–the problem isn’t the person’s immutable qualities, it’s lack of training.
            An example is the program in which I received my PhD. They prioritized hiring minorities for a couple of faculty positions in the 90s, but literally couldn’t find anyone in the specialties needed who was qualified to work in an R-1 institution (anywhere in the US–it’s a national market), so they started a fellowship program for minority candidates who had completed the PhD & needed to get more publications out to be competitive for the top positions. Several people have gone through the program, and now hold positions in respected universities (including one who took a job in the dept).

            Did you mean to say “they are not going to stay”? It’s not like people wake up and discover they’ve become a minority. White people have the privilege of not knowing what goes on in the name of “race”, but minority candidates are well aware. HR depts need to have appropriate resources, but not having minorities in the company already is not an excuse to not hire the 1st or 2nd.

            On the Florida situation: “What is needed is better quality teaching, in the early education years, not lowered standards or expectations.” is exactly on target. The correlation between a student being non-white and being in special ed in Florida and Georgia is really tragic.

          3. Sorry– I see that you already caught the need for a negative in your earlier post.

            About the organization’s culture… all of academia has been white for a long time, so anybody who’s a minority & is planning to be a prof already knows they’ll be a trailblazer. In the example of my PhD program, I probably should’ve mentioned the regional culture–it’s in a southern region, not the deep South, but not terribly minority friendly either. The guy who I mentioned went through the fellowship program and has been hired there also grew up nearby, but the other fellows have come from much further away.

          4. Sorry– I see that you already caught the need for a negative in your earlier post.

            About the organization’s culture… all of academia has been white for a long time, so anybody who’s a minority & is planning to be a prof already knows they’ll be a trailblazer. In the example of my PhD program, I probably should’ve mentioned the regional culture–it’s in a southern region, not the deep South, but not terribly minority friendly either. The guy who I mentioned went through the fellowship program and has been hired there also grew up nearby, but the other fellows have come from much further away.

          5. The poor teaching in early years is exactly why AA is necessary; kids who receive lousy instruction in the very early years aren’t as well prepared for the next level and so on, right up to (and through) when they apply for a job. In the US, education quality depends on income, so the next generation also doesn’t get off to a good start. If we only advance people based on the qualifications they’ve already acquired, it would take forever for everyone to get to the same starting line. That doesn’t mean hiring people who are woefully underqualified, but it can mean taking the applicant who is just barely less prepared and providing a means to close the gap. “Race” does not predict every candidate’s background, but can be a proxy in lieu of researching the socio-economic standing of every single job candidate back to preschool.

            Lack of minority employees is not an excuse for not hiring minority candidates. HR might need to be prepared, but any minority candidate will already have a lifetime of knowledge of what it can mean to be a trailblazer.

          6. posts are appearing and disappearing. A minute ago several of mine and an earlier anon’s were gone. Now I have too many (the 6:23 is a restatement of the ones that vanished) and I think some of Diva’s are missing. Arg. I’m going to stop posting now.

    7. Personally, I would be very impressed with a candidate who had served in the military. Also, many employers have veteran preferences. I think if you are looking for a reason other than minority status to hire the minority candidate I think you can go w/ military service. I also think military service provides a candidate with many positive attributes with one caveat – there are some combat service veterans with severe PTSD that can be a little bit . . . unstable . . . (as in quick to fly off the handle). Aside from that, military service is always a plus in my book.

      1. Yes, please make sure you know if your organization has a veterans’ preference. The skills learned in the military are a plus. In addition, the candidates’ putting herself through school shows maturity and grit. With respect to concerns about PTSD, that is not something you can legally consider in the hiring process. In fact, such concerns are very much hurting our vets these days in this hard job market, when the vast majority of them can perform work just fine. It is illegal to discriminate against someone in the hiring process because of military service or PTSD. Veterans’ anti-discrimination laws are still needed today because employers do indeed discriminate against candidates due to military service. If your fellow managers do not have military experience, they may be discounting the value of the candidate’s military experience.

        1. Eeeks. Yes, please don’t discriminate based on my comment. I guess I was just trying to say that with a few exceptions, most of the veterans I know make better employees than the rest of the population. I had no idea that people were discriminating against veterans because they expected them to have PTSD. Wow.

    8. See my reply to your original post. Maybe you’re assuming too much about your “typical” candidate.

    9. I’m way late to this discussion, but as someone who served in the military for reasons that had nothing to do with having no other options, I just want to point out that it sounds like you are comparing apples and oranges with these two candidates if you’re only looking at them “on paper.”

      If I’m assuming correctly, both of these candidates are recent college graduates, but the typical candidate must be several years younger, since the minority candidate spent 6 years in the military before going to college. That means the minority candidate – even if he used veterans benefits and did not need to work full time while he was in school – probably had a lot of other things on his plate while he was getting those not-quite-as-good college grades. Having done both, I can say college was a helluva lot easier at 18 when I wasn’t also worried about the responsibilities of being an adult (although I made sure my grades didn’t suffer, so I would hate for lower grades to be overlooked for nontraditional students). If he went to college concurrently with his military service, any number of things beyond his control could have prevented him from being able to take advantage of the sort of internships or research opportunities that would have been no problem for a traditional student.

      Also, the person’s military experience may be more relevant than you think. Many, many people coming out of the military are clueless about how to translate what they did into “civilian” language and job skills in a way that resonates people who have little or no familiarity with the military. If the interviews are already complete, hopefully you’ve cleared all that up, but I have seen a lot of resumes from veterans that don’t do their work experience any justice.

      All that said, it’s obviously not right to hire someone who is underqualified over someone who is qualified in order to check a diversity box or because you feel like he deserves a chance. I would look differently at the military experience on the minority candidate’s resume, though — it’s not always a marker of a less-privileged upbringing (although it can be), but an explanation of how that person prioritized his late teens/early 20’s, and the lifestyle constraints that necessarily became part of his experience. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, you can safely assume certain soft skills and character traits; if those are important to the job or to your organization, the minority candidate may be stronger.

    10. I don’t know if you’re still reading, but has what the minority candidate accomplished in the last few years (given the a-typical background) impressive? I think there is a tendency to want to hire someone who is qualified from day 1, with extensive experience already doing the job. But that tells me the person isn’t growing and evolving…just doing what they are comfortable with. It’s a little bit more risky for a company to take on someone who doesn’t have ideal experience, but does their history show they have the ability to learn new things quickly and successfully? In the long run they may turn out to be the more successful candidate, even if they require more training up front.

      As an example, my husband has a related but not exact degree for his current job…but he’s been promoted much faster than others who started with him. He now manages a fairly large team, and he finds that he’d rather hire people who’s background shows independent thought than those that have the ideal degrees. The latter are good for turning knobs and getting scut work done, but he doesn’t find that they are particularly creative or likely to move very high in his company.

      Obviously, I don’t know all the details of the candidates you’re considering, but some food for thought. I think the push toward preferring higher and higher degrees for entry level jobs (some require master’s degrees now) coupled with the expectation that people will take unpaid internships disadvantages people of less means…and makes companies less willing to train people. I think the latter will often produce better fit and more loyal employees…but that’s not where we’re headed as a society, it seems.

      1. If the OP were hiring for a mid- or senior level position, I would recommend evaluating completely on skills and experience and not bringing AA goals or disadvantaged background into the picture. However, they are hiring for an entry-level position, so the new worker will have to learn. the. job. and the person with the military background, as many have pointed out, will be better at following directions. And having worked with a few entry-level employees, sometimes they need to be very good at basic tasks before they start to get the big picture (and not everyone gets to that point).
        If the delta between their skills/GPA is small as you said, and the “like” factor is about the same, bring the military experience into the equation and see how things stack up. I hope it is included on their resume.

    11. You’re hiring someone, presumably for doing a JOB, and you’re nitpicking about so-called objective criteria for a “strong candidate”? Based on what, high school GPA?!? Really, isn’t the point here to get someone who’ll do a job well? And you’re wondering whether you’re better off with a candidate supported by M&D so far, or one who’s taken the initiative to get a much better education than they would normally have gotten from their family background? What does a person have to do to demonstrate that they’re a really good bet in terms of getting a job done?

      Actually, I think you shouldn’t hire this minority person. They’re likely to be utterly miserable with you. Sounds like your management is really racist, and the new hire would be bullied by some, and over-scrutinized by others into a state of hyper-defensiveness. Y’all aren’t ready to deserve a good minority worker. Let them be, recommend them to more open-minded friends if you have any, don’t ruin their psyche by dragging them into this snake pit you have going.

  38. Can we talk about Robin Wright’s wardrobe on House of Cards? I love the high-waisted trousers and the boatneck dresses with sleeves. (There is also the fact that Robin Wright clearly bathes in unicorn blood, but still. The clothes are great!)

    1. I think we have talked about it literally every day this week. (No snark intended- but someone has asked it like this in a question form at least 3 times)

  39. I have posted here before about my sister who has caused so much grief and sadness in my family. She recently moved far away for a job which gave us all a bit of space. Soon after she moved (during the height of the drama) I told her I loved her but I cannot continue to speak with her if she is going to continue down this path, etc. She responded very hurtfully, and has sent a few sporadic nasty text messages which made no sense whatsoever, but I stuck to my guns and ignored her.

    Well, I’m upset again. My parents have been emailing with her- she shares good news about her job, etc, with them, and they reply in turn. She has not apologized to them for how awful she has been to them, she has said a few nasty things to them during this time, and she was non-existent during holidays, etc (which, I was thankful for).

    I’m very upset because I feel like they are continuing to feed her behavior by communicating with her, albeit very little, when she has not apologized for her extremely hurtful, dangerous, and generally awful actions. I know they haven’t asked for an apology because she will just say more hurtful things and they don’t want to start drama. But this is how she has always gotten her way- act completely irrationally when someone expects respect from you, and they will back down.

    I’m at a loss- I’ve cried a few times since not speaking with her- partly in grief that I feel like my sister has “died”, partly because of the stress she has caused, and partly because I feel like she gets every ounce of leeway in the world and will never ever change if they continue to communicate with her. I don’t know what to do. I have tried to explain calmly to them how I feel, I have tried to be mean (it’s true- I’ll be honest) to get them to listen, I am exhausted. I fear that I will soon again be expected to spend holidays with her (which involves sharing a room, etc.), pretend that I’m not deeply hurt by what she’s done, and generally ‘suck it up’. I’m so tired of sucking it up, dealing with fighting and yelling and awful drama in my life- I made a bold move by refusing to engage anymore, and now, do I have to refuse to spend holidays with them? Is this what it will come down to?

    Anyone have ANY help as to how to get my point across, how to make myself stop feeling so HURT and betrayed by both my parents and my sister’s actions, something? Few real life friends know about it. I don’t want to burden them either :(.

    1. Realize that she is their kid, and parents have a much higher pain threshold for the actions of their children than anyone else, including siblings. Are your parents complaining to you about her? If so, tell them, you can’t handle it and not to do it. Respect their right to maintain their relationship with her, but don’t engage in any drama. Whether you intend to or not, they may here you saying “pick me! pick me!” when you say you want them to limit communication further etc… Most parents are unwilling to do that.
      Otherwise, make your peace about your decision, mourn your loss, and move on…..

      1. +1 on the relationship between parents and kids, even full grown offspring.

        I think you need to accept that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior, not your sister’s and not your parents’. You can control your side of your relationships with them. I love the metaphor used in the book The Dance of Anger: relationships are like partner dances where what the two people do fits together. If you change your steps, the other person will have to change theirs. I’d recommend that book.

        In case it’s any help to know you aren’t alone: I’m about to return my sister’s call from earlier in the week. I’ve taken my time in getting back to her because she has been remarkably selfish the last few times I’ve been to her house and refuses to apologize. It hurts, because we used to be close. The relationship is undergoing a long slow death. I miss her, but I know I’ll never get “her” back. She’s changed in ways I can’t accept, and I’ve grown more self-respect. Good luck to you!

        1. Thanks for the book recommendation! That sounds like it would be helpful for lots of situations, not just this!

          Also, thanks to everyone for your replies. Sometimes I just need to vent. I had the most amazing workout and stretched every muscle in my body today only to have it all get tense again argh!

          I haven’t tried the “I’m sorry, I don’t want to speak about her” yet, that may help instead of listening and continuing to get upset.

      2. yes, I have heard that from them- they are her parents, they can’t just cut her off, even for a period of time (truthfully, I believe that is what is necessary to make her fundamentally change, they are just continuing the cycle of abuse by letting her off the hook). Fine, I guess.

        What upsets me is that yes, they will complain to me about her, and also, they will expect me to attend functions for extended periods of time, stay in the SAME ROOM as her for days, etc, and make nice-nice. I will then be expected to listen to yelling and screaming when they fight, and when I have brought up the point that this fighting, even if I am not ‘in’ the fight, really affects me when I am literally in the middle of two people yelling. That’s what I’m stressing about- having to decline our family holidays in the south because ‘she’ will be there to cause drama.

        1. Those are some things you can focus on; removing yourself from these painful interactions. If you change the subject, what happens? If you state plainly that you will not discuss it? If you calmly end the conversation (“I love you, but can’t talk about this. Bye”)? For the shouting, is it over if you walk around the block or go work out, or do you need an alternate place to stay when it starts up? Honestly, the point is to figure out ways to protect yourself. And then see what their next move is.

          1. Yup, I’ve typically do the “I’m just going to go upstairs now while you guys fight…” thing during family dinners; they’ll continue to fight, but at least the sound is a little quieter upstairs :).

            I’m honestly just so scared of holiday visits/ visits back to our hometown (where we all but her still live) and having to spend 24 hrs/day with her for multiple days on end. I think I am freaking out over something that might not happen. And if it does, I honestly think I’ll have to just say ‘no’ to the invite.

            Saacnmama- thanks for replying :). It means a lot to have someone help me find a ‘path’ to feeling better.

          2. What about not staying there? My mom stresses out over the holidays, so I see her at non-holidays. Could you stay somewhere else and visit for part of the day or at different times than you sister?

          3. But of course we’re responding to you. That’s the best part about this blog :)
            I’ve done a version of what A Scientist suggests–this winter, when we were all home for Christmas and then for my parents’ 50th anniversary a week later, I took a couple days to drive to see an old friend who lives a couple hours away. It was good to see her again, she was happy to spring me my my parents’, and I was able to be as supportive and living of them and my son as I wanted to be. Maybe you have an old friend who comes back to visit at the holidays who you can spend time with, especially if you can figure out when things are going to turn bad & get out before they do.

    2. Oh, honey, that is so hard. I’m sorry for your pain. But you need to look at your feelings carefully. You are upset because of the actions of other people (your parents) towards another person (your sister.) and vice versa. This is not about you. I know, when it’s family if FEELS like it’s about me. But it really is not. You have absolutely no control over other people. Trying to explain yourself to your parents and expecting they will change is nothing but crazy-making.

      Detach. Detach with love, if you can, and ungracefully if that’s the best you can do. Set the boundaries you need to take care of yourself, not to make them act the way you thnk they should. Stop trying to control your parents. It doesn’t work. It feeds your own bad feelings.

      Put the focus of your thinking on yourself. What can you do to take care of your own stress? You are really the only person over whom you have any control. Fill your mind with ideas of taking care of yourself, not what you believe your parents or your sister should be doing to be “better”.

      1. Yup I have been trying really hard to do that, but today was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sigh.

    3. I guess I haven’t followed enough to know what is going on. But, really, how each of your parents interact with your sister is none of your business and is not yours to dictate. It shouldn’t affect you. If you are upset with her, you can tell them that you are not in contact with her. If they share news, you can remind them that you are not in contact with her. But really, it is their choice how they interact with her.

      I’m not talking to my mother due to some hurtful things she has done. I don’t agree with decisions that she is making, and I think she is being irresponsible in her choices. My brother is talking to her, which is his choice. When he brings her up, I imagine she is a friend of his that I don’t interact with.

      1. Oh, and if you don’t want to talk to your friends, can you talk with a therapist? I’ve done that at various points when I was looking to feel less hurt by my mother.

        1. A scientist, if you don’t mind my asking, does the hurt between you and your mother make it difficult for you to focus and get your work done? There have been times in my life when that’s been a real problem for me. I eventually get over it by separating, exercising, and getting far enough behind that I panic, but a faster, more systematic approach would be good. Do you have advice based on your experience?

          1. Up until the past two years or so, I found that I could spin into cycles of dwelling on what she said, why she was doing this, how it impacted me, etc.

            These days, I really focus on what I can control,which is how I interact with her and react to her. I let her calls go to voicemail until I can react to her calmly. If life is very stressful, then I don’t call back. Unless I have to, I won’t talk to her during the week or before a deadline.

            I don’t know if this helps. I do see her as a human with her own flaws. I know that she has concerns and worries about me (she wishes that I married HS BF and had 3 kids 15 years ago). I know that she is allowed to want that life for me. But ultimately, it is my life and my choices for it that matter. I cut her off when she goes down those lines of thought. We’ve had conversations about how I respect her right to want these things but that doesn’t mean she can dictate how I live my life. She still tries, but I remind her that those are not productive things to say and change the subject back to her favorite topic, herself.

            So, to end the ramble, I know my triggers about when I won’t be able to talk to her calmly. Since we live far away, I can limit contact during those times. I know that doesn’t work for everyone.

          2. Thanks. That sounds like what I’ve been trying to do. Controlling my reaction to her, however, can be really hard!

          3. It’s still hard for me. It helps to have friends who understand enough to listen to how ridiculous she is.

        2. Yah I’ve talked a bit about it with someone, but I usually manage it well, it just comes up every few months and upsets me for a few days.

          I understand I can’t control their interactions with her, but I replied above that i know this will lead to them expecting me to interact with her in substantial ways in the future. It’s happened in the past. Maybe they will change and stop making me do that (I’m a grown woman no you cannot make me attend an event anymore!), but I’m just fearing what will come of this. I guess I can just take that as it comes instead of worrying about it now!

          1. If they expect you to understand that they cannot cut off contact with her no matter how terrible her behavior, then they should also understand that you are not willing to put yourself in a situation where you have to deal with the conflict when it arises, and that you need to do what is best for you, which is unfortunately avoiding her. I would visit at another time or, if you have to, visit when she is there but stay elsewhere, so that you can just leave when and if the situation deteriorates. Good luck.

    4. Replying late, but in reading your post here, it strikes me that your issue seems to be less about the relationship your parents have with your sister and more about the relationship you have with them. Trying to control/change how the interact with your sister is a very indirect way of trying to get them to change how the interact with you.

      What I hear:
      1. You don’t like to hear about the problems they are having with your sister.
      2. You don’t want to have to spend extended periods of time with her.

      The most direct way of dealing with this is to stand up and say what you want from your parents and to stop getting in the middle of their relationship with their other child. When they start talking about your sister, have a script. “Mom, I love you and I know you love sister, but I’m not going to get in middle here.” Change the subject and repeat as necessary. For holidays choose what level of interaction you can deal with and stick to it. Shorten your visits, stay in a hotel, celebrate at a different time, whatever. But I think the most productive thing for you to focus on is that this is not really about how your patents treat your sister, but about how they treat you.

      Best of luck.

    5. Scientist, pardon the obvious remark, but have you considered therapy? It’s nice to vent here on occasion, everyone does it, but it sounds like you have much more of a problem with your family than can be dealt with in a few comments by random people..

  40. Reposting from earlier in the week – I bought the black/white/silver boucle jacket from Quincy in a 32A. Its very nice, but just not my style in real life. I’m looking to sell it for cost – $60 plus shipping (our choice of method). If anyone is interested please just email – amy1110@aol.com
    Thanks!

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