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Weekend Open Thread

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Express color block sweater tunicSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Express is having some pretty serious sales this weekend — markdowns up to 60% off, PLUS an additional 30% off. I like the look of this slub sweater for the weekend — it looks comfy, flattering, and on trend. It was $49, was then marked to $29, and comes down to $20.99 once in your cart. Color Block Rolled Sleeve Tunic Sweater Psst: There are a TON of great deals going on this weekend. In addition to the Express and Land's End deals already mentioned:
  • Loft and Ann Taylor are both offering an additional 50% off sale prices
  • Spanx is having a rare “closet clean out” sale with savings up to 40% off
  • 6pm has a bunch of office-friendly styles on sale, including Cole Haan, Taryn Rose, Tahari by ASL, Sofft, Isola, Rockport, and more
  • Nordstrom just added a ton of things to its sale section
  • Not a sale, but I forgot to mention this on the news roundup: Catherine Malandrino's collection for Kohls just launched.
(L-all)

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

265 Comments

  1. I love weekend open thread! And comfy-looking color blocked sweaters on sale.

    What is the one piece of clothing or shoes that you are most excited to wear now that the weather is getting colder? I’ll go first: my grey wool wrap-coat from Long Tall Sally. Or my JCrew lady day coat.

    I basically just want to wear all my coats, and then go buy some new ones, because I love coats.

    1. My booties – I got them at the nordstrom anniversary sale and have been waiting impatiently since then. I’ve worn them twice in the past week.

          1. Super cute, but it sounds from the reviews that they run narrow, and I have wide feet (and a small bunion). If anyone with more problematic feet like mine can recommend a bootie, please do!

          2. Actually my feet are on the wider side (I usually prefer a 7W or 7.5W, but have a lot of 7 or 7.5 regular since wides are hard to find), I often have a problem with shoes being too tight on the side of my pinkie toe and I didn’t have that problem with these. They are comfortable, the first time I wore them I walked a mile each to/from the train, the second time I wore them standing at a concert and felt pretty good. It’s worth a try!

          3. I think I’m getting old. I hate the look of the woman with the booties, the knee highs and the shorts shown at the bottom of the Clarks page.

          4. I hate knee high socks in general. Under pants is fine but shorts or skirts is too cheerleader/schoolgirl for my taste.

          5. I always find it cute how much you Americans seem to like Clarks – it’s like Marks & Spencer’s here in the UK, kind of like a national institution that we never really think about.

    2. Boots. And scarves. And sweaters. Can’t pick one, since I love fall clothes! If I had to choose a single actual piece of clothing, though, it would be my purple BR/Issa Kate Middleton dress. I am obsessed with that thing and want it in all the colors.

    3. My burgundy snood coat from New Look. It’s so warm and toasty <3 that, and my mid-calf metallic green faux croc doc martens. (I never tire of typing that sentence)

          3. Yeah – fashion needs to stop trying to make “snood” happen. It’s already a defined fashion term. That’s basically a shawl collar – like they couldn’t even give you a full hood.

          4. I love this! This is what my grey wrap/belted one looks like from Long Tall Sally. The high neck is so cozy. It’s basically a built-in scarf.

          5. Ooh, I hadn’t seen that colour, I’d only seen the pale grey in store and thought it looked cheap and horrible.

            I’ve a £20 credit note to spend in NL due to some shoes not fitting properly… I’m excited.

      2. I love my snood. I dislike the name, but mine is separate and I wear it with almost everything in the winter. One of the best/most useful gifts I’ve received.

        1. Oh, I have one, and love it too. It was called a snood when Jcrew sold it too me, but it’s really just an infinity scarf. I don’t know why they had to make up a new name.

    4. All my sweaters. Only I can’t because none of them fit me anymore. I discovered this when trying to find a sweater to wear this morning, and the only one that would work is a long, swingy sweater that I normally wear to the grocery store during the winter. I am the Sweater Queen so this makes me extremely sad. It’s going to be a long, long fall and winter and clearly my next maternity wear purchase will have to involve at least one sweater.

      While I am in pregnancy grumble mode, I also had problems putting on my socks this morning. I am an unhappy camper.

      1. I wore my husband’s sweaters while pregnant. Only problem was I didn’t want to give them back.

      2. I may have borrowed my SO’s grey merino sweater when I was cold at his apartment a month ago, and have yet to return it. And I don’t even have the excuse of not fitting in my sweaters!

      3. Splurge on at least one great cozy sweater. I found a super-soft black cowl neck that I lived in when I was pregnant. It was a bit more than I normally spent on maternity wear but it got more use than anything else I bought and was totally worth it.

        1. Yes, I may have to follow your lead on this one. Unfortunately my SO doesn’t wear sweaters…he is one of those hot-blooded people who never seems to get cold. I think I have found a potential sweater – long, cream-coloured waterfall cardigan that looks pretty cozy and will work with my largely blue maternity wardrobe. If I get a cardigan I can wear it for nursing afterwards too….

      4. Nonny, I highly recommend keeping an eye on Gap Maternity, both the website and the store, for sweaters (if you can usually wear regular Gap clothes – I’m not sure if they offer petites / plus). I have gotten amazing deals there, especially with their constantly cycling 30% discounts sitewide. On December 26 (if you can wait that long!) I got about a dozen maternity tops there for less than $50. Not exaggerating. I think if you get their credit card, you get free shipping / returns all the time.

      1. What kind do you have? I’m also looking for some. I have big feet (size 12) so my options are usually limited.

    6. I just ordered three London Fog coats from Nordstroms, two from Macy’s and two from LLBean (mid-weight and trench). Trying to replace a worn-out one. Wearing my cute new booties that I got at the NAS for work. They keep my feet warm and dry on my bus/walking commute.

    7. tights and boots! Actually my favorite winter outfit is my enormous gray hoodie, straight leg jeans, and boots.

    8. Pea coats!

      And I work in a casual office and I’ve been layering collared shirts with crew neck sweaters lately and it’s made me inexplicably happy.

    9. Booties! I put away my non-seasonal clothes, and I haven’t quite pulled them out yet, but I’m very excited to do so this weekend. I have a pair of brown Ecco oxford booties that I love, and are surprisingly comfortable. Can’t wait to pair them with a slightly flimsy dress, thick tights, and a big cardigan!

    10. My brand new red Michael Kors trench coat (with hood for rainy days). I just moved South, so I’m enjoying that it’s still mostly summer weather.

  2. I’m a first year associate in a firm that does primarly real estate. I’d like to join a professional organization that would be helpful for meeting others in the real estate development and financing industry. It seems a lot of the organizations I have looked into consist primarily of older men who have been in the industry for a while. Being a 26 y/o, minority female, I sometimes feel out of place (I never have had this problem before – maybe insecurities due to being new to the profession?). Does anyone have any suggestions for organizations, groups, conferences, etc. I should look into? fwiw, I’m in Northern Virginia.

    Along the same lines, any CLEs, books, resources for a budding real estate lawyer? My firm does primarily commercial real estate. Thank you all!

        1. Are you sure you have to be? Given the plethora of out of state barees practicing in DC (either for the feds or just having decided to waive into DC “eventually” its quite possible the DC WBA doesn’t require a DC bar membership to join. I would google that for you – but I’ve got too many tabs open as we speak. :-P

    2. CREW? Commercial Real Estate Woman

      Eventually, you don’t need to know / network with other lawyers; you will need to know clients (and that means people @ clients who are at your age/stage) and your industry.

      1. Yes, I was thinking more along the lines of non-legal organizations (I should have made that more clear). thanks!

        1. I’m a member of CREW and while I don’t necessarily like “women’s” groups, they have good educational events and there is no similar group for both men and women.

      2. 1+ for CREW. Membership is not limited to lawyers, which makes it a great networking organization.

    3. Check out Women in Housing and Finance – it’s policy focused but hosts a number of events.

    4. The entire field of commercial real estate law (my field too! welcome) consists primarily of older men who have been in the industry for a while, so most organizations will have that same demographic. I belong to CREW, which is specifically for women in commercial real estate, though men are allowed to join. It’s nation-wide, but I don’t know whether there’s a chapter near you.

      I often feel out of place, and I do think it’s hard to be taken seriously for a young woman. It’s getting better, though, and as my skills increase so does my confidence. Good luck!

    5. I’ve heard good things about the NoVa Junior League if that’s the sort of thing you’re into (there’s also a DC one, but I’ve heard its more old school and intense.)

      1. I’m a member of the NoVA Junior League! As far as networking, it’s probably a little hit or miss. The women are from a wide range of professions, which is great from a social viewpoint (yay I have friends who aren’t lawyers), but might mean it would take awhile for you to strike up a conversation with a woman in your field. But as an organization, I highly recommend it. Definitely more focused on mission and doing good work, and completely laid back about everything else.

    6. I’m also in real estate, and my firm’s networking mainly seems to occur at the Mortgage Bankers Association and at our state’s Mortgage Lender’s Association. My state also has a real estate bar. At the few events I’ve been to (I’m relatively new) there have been a good mix of people in terms of age and gender (although not necessarily race/ethnicity) but I would imagine that’s a regional thing.

  3. I really do not like billable hours. I almost want to say that I hate them. I don’t know how you ladies in biglaw do it it (I am at a mid-sized firm and have an 1800 billable requirement that doubles as a practical ceiling). No networking/client development activities are billable and I spend a lot of time on those. We have the end of our year coming up soon, and I have so.far.to.go. Mostly, it is my own doing, but the fact that I am behind is also a benefit to the firm because other than reading Corporette, I am not exactly twiddling my thumbs during the work day.

    I need to work for a P firm or go in house or something…ugh.

    1. Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s!!!! As for the OP, none of us like billable hour’s! If you onley have 1800 hours, that is not to bad. The manageing partner wants us to go up to 4000 next year when we move uptown. You should learn to bill for everything you do so you can UP your billeable’s. My manageing partner has be billeing PORTAL TO PORTAL, so if I have a hearing in court lasting onley 30 minutes, I can bill 3 hours, which include’s traveling down to court, sitteing waiting for my cases to be called, the hearing itself for each case, then lunch (including the bill), and travel back. If I do 6 cases, I can get 18 hours out of it plus the cost of 6 lunche’s, even tho I am onley out for 3 hours!!!! So it can add up quick, if you know how to do the math.

      This weekend, I am goeing with Myrna to look for a new computer. The manageing partner said he would take my Macbook air into inventory at the firm and have the teck guy fix it to operate on our LAN. So I am thinkeing I will need a new Apple, mabye a Macbook PRO to keep at my home office. Myrna say’s it is going to cost me over $2000 for the RETNA model and I want a big fixed disk for all my photo’s and Itune’s!!!! I told Mom and she told dad, and dad says he will look and NOT to buy anything without first clearing it with him b/c he know’s he can get it from a guy in the busness. I told mom that Apple does NOT discount, so Dad got on the phone and FORBIDED me from buying anything without getting his pre-approval. FOOEY! I will STILL go to the Apple store to look. He can’t prevent me from lookeing! The teck guy is here now fooling around with my Macbook Air, which the manageing partner is giveing me $800 for in cash!!!!!

      The judge’s nephew left a message for me. His name is Micheal, and owns an Italian deli in Queen’s. I have to call him back, and while I do love deli, not that kind. To bad he does not own Pastrami Queen, 2nd Avenue Deli or Mendy’s or I would MARRY him tomorrow! FOOEY!

    2. I don’t have too much to add, except to say that I feel your pain. I am at a mid-size firm with a minimum requirement of 2000 hours per year, and we do not get credit for hours spent in CLE, pro bono (even when mandatory in order to keep our state license–yes, really), time spent in mandatory training sessions learning new firm software–seriously, we get credit for absolutely nothing. Also, the firm provides zero support for marketing or business development, while many of my peers receive annual budgets aimed at paying for professional organizations, conferences, etc. It is maddening. I was actually just commiserating earlier today with a co-worker how awful it is to leave work at least half of the time and feel badly because I feel did not bill enough based on my preconceived notions of what is required in order to obtain a (relatively speaking) poor bonus.

      1. This! Just saw your comment. I have “billing guilt” several times a week….like, ugh, I only billed 6.5 hours today…

      2. My firm is the exact same. Except we don’t get bonuses, so really my only concern with not billing enough is not getting fired. (technically hours affect raises, but they’re never huge, so… yea)

    3. No advice just commiseration. Albeit, I’m in consulting but I hate the billable hour. I feel it’s a poor way to quantify quality work versus quantity of work. I mean, I could be sitting in a room copying documents all day and technically be ‘billable’ which isn’t really a great indicator of my value as an employee… Gah, it’s a frustrating metric for me.

    4. I went from BigLaw to in-house at a non-profit 6 weeks ago. I am loving life. I am not working any less, really, but the billing pressure is off, I’m obsessed with the work, and occasionally I get home in time for dinner. Yes, it was a 45% pay cut.

  4. I just read that Colin Firth will do the voice of Paddington Bear in a new [screen] adaptation of Michael Bond’s books. This should be fun! I loved those books as a kid!

  5. Ladies,

    I was hoping some of you investment savvy professional women could offer your thoughts on a potential investment opportunity. An acquaintance of mine flips houses and has been doing so for nearly a decade. He funds a large part of it himself, putting in cash for the initial purchase, and private investors put in the remaining for the construction costs. I’ve looked into investing with him for a while, and of course would never invest until I felt very comfortable with the risk. What types of information would you ladies look at before making such a judgment? What type of documentation would you require before proceeding with lending the money?

    1. Are you OK never seeing this $ again? Only invest if you can lose the $.

      Do you share the risk of loss? (So if he puts in X and you put in Y and the sale nets X, do you lose your $? Do you both get shorted? He *should* get something for his time.) Who splits the profits? What about carrying costs if it doesn’t sell (property taxes / insurance / marketing)? What if he needs $ and you don’t give it to him — are you out of the deal? What if he goes bankrupt / walks away? Think September 2008 scenarios.

      I’d want someone to spell this out as a joint venture / operating agreement / co-ownership so that you know what the deal is. Also: how it is structured and how many you do determine if this is ordinary income / capital gain and that is very important.

    2. Second all of V’s advice.

      I would also do extensive research on the real estate market of the area in question. If you can, have an independent realtor pull comps for houses in the neighborhood or (even better) on the same street to get a sense for what the final selling price would be. Make sure the improvements made to the house won’t be significantly more high-end than any other house on the block – most buyers don’t want to have the nicest house on a street full of lower-end properties. Also, look at how long houses in the area typically sit on the market for so that you have a sense of best/worst case scenarios in terms of carrying costs.

    3. Everything V said, and also:

      – what form will your interest take? Will you be a shareholder in a company? Will you be a partner? What will be the tax consequences?
      – whose name will be on title?
      – will you have to give any personal guarantees? To whom? For how much?
      – will you have to give any other form of security?

    4. The previous respondents all posted excellent advice.

      Also be prepared that if things go sour, even if you’re covered financially, you may not be able to remain on friendly terms with this person again.

      Given that you only described this person as an acquaintance, it’s probably not that big of a deal to you if a soured deal causes you to lose respect or liking for this person. If this person had been described as a friend, I’d advise against, unless you wouldn’t really regret losing said friend.

  6. TJ!

    So I have a – gasp! – date this Sunday and NO idea what on earth to wear. We’re meeting up Sunday afternoon in town to “hang out” with no real plan beyond probably getting something to eat and wandering around having a chat unless something comes up. I’d love any and all suggestions, ladies.

    1. I would go with dark-wash jeans, a dressy top, and- most importantly- comfy shoes, if you’re going to be walking around. And depending on the weather, you might want to add a jacket or wrap.

      Have fun!

    2. I can’t remember where you are, so this may or may not be feasible based on the weather. But my go-to fall look-nice-but-not-like-I’m-trying look is a nicer dress, either long-sleeved or with a sweater over it, and tall boots with sweater-socks peeking out the top. The boots and socks make the dress look more casual, but the dress still looks bangin’ (or at least that’s what I tell myself).

      Have fun on your date!

      1. I’m with emeralds — dress and boots would be perfect if the weather cooperates. Have fun!

      2. Thanks! I think I am leaning towards a dreess, but not sure if I should go for my green skater dress or a black midi… *ponders* too many color choices!

    4. Keep it simple and sexy. After all you do want to leave him wanting for more on the next date!

  7. I’m kind of freaking out, you guys. During my annual OB-GYN visit at the end of August, my doctor found a large (2-3 cm) nodule on my thyroid, and immediately referred me to an endocrinologist to have it checked out. Unfortunately, the soonest they could see me is next Friday. I’ve called to see if the appointment could be moved up or there were any other doctors with openings, but that was unsuccessful. In the meantime, during the last week, I’ve noticed that the lymph nodes in my neck are swollen and tender and I’ve been feeling a sensation of fullness in my throat (like the nodule has gotten larger). And of course I have spent wayyy too much time googling, which just results in page after page of results saying “thyroid cancer”.

    I’m really worried and am beyond impatient for next week’s appointment to get here, but I don’t want to let on to my husband how scared I truly am (or about the new symptoms I’m experiencing), because I don’t want him to worry even more than he already is until we know that there is actually something to be concerned about. (Do as I say, not as I do, right?)

    Has anyone here experienced an issue like this? Thoughts? Tips on how to survive the waiting (besides stepping away from Dr. Google, which I know I need to do)?

    1. Sorry no practical advice, just wanted to send good vibes and say that a lot of people are sick right now (I’m battling either a cold or allergies myself) so hopefully that is all you are experiencing.

    2. Oh I’m sorry. I would step away from google. If you are stressing yourself out, your immune system could go into overdrive which could be causing your lymph nodes to swell. Logically, understand that a week will not make a difference IF this issue needs to be treated. IF it is thyroid cancer, understand that it is very treatable and not all that rare (especially for younger people). Try to schedule something fun to do where you’ll be active so you can’t think about it.

      1. Seconded. Even if it is thyroid cancer, it honestly is not a big deal. A friend’s wife had it, and she just had an outpatient surgery, and figured out how to fit scarves into every outfit she wore until the stitches came out. Very simple, very treatable. But until you find out, get out every day on the weekend, watch movies or have dinner with friends after work, get an engrossing, juicy book (sci-fi or fantasy works for me), and avoid the computer as much as possible.

    3. Good luck! I hope that everything turns out well for you. I had a young friend (20s) who had a cancerous mass on her thyroid, and everything turned out very well for her. The mass/thyroid was removed and she is perfectly healthy now. Try to stay calm (but busy) between now and your appointment so that you are not dwelling. There is nothing you can do to change the outcome before then.

    4. I am a long time lurker but am replying because I’ve been there, done that. First, please try to relax. Easier said than done, I know. It’s possible that your nodule is growing, but in my humble opinion, it’s likelier that your panic is simply drawing attention to symptoms you may have already had but are just now noticing due to your awareness of the nodule. In my case, the endo did an ultrasound, which showed partial calcification of the multiple nodules on my thyroid. Apparently that’s a red flag, so she also performed a needle biopsy. This was quick and almost painless – the anticipation was much worse than the procedure! My throat was a little sore for the rest of the day and a couple days later I received the all clear. Turns out the nodules are the result of Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, a fairly common auto-immune disorder that results in hypothyroidism. I take a little pill every morning supplying thyroid hormone. Not a big deal at all.

      During this process, I was a little obsessed with Dr. Google as well, so I get it. In reality, thyroid nodules are extremely common. My endo told me that 95% of all nodules are benign. And if you do end up in that unfortunate 5%, thyroid cancer is almost always curable – usually via surgery to remove the thyroid and some follow up radiation treatment (and then the little pills mentioned above on a daily basis afterward). While surgery is a scary prospect, I was comforted during the waiting period by the knowledge that the chance of cancer was low and of recovery was high. Of all the cancers you could get, the treatment for thyroid cancer is on the easier side of the spectrum. (I say this as someone who has watched close family members suffer through other, extremely serious forms of cancer involving major surgeries, chemo, etc.) This is not to diminish what you are going through. Health scares are just that – scary – but I encourage you to focus on the strong chance that you are absolutely okay until (and if) you learn otherwise. In the meantime, hang in there! Do lots of fun things to take your mind off of it and know that at least one internet stranger is sending positive thoughts your way!

    5. I had the same issue arise when I was a second year in law school. After some tests, they concluded that it was a benign growth, and I just monitor it now with ultrasounds about once a year. I also take a thyroid supplement so that my thyroid doesn’t think it needs to keep up with what my body needs by growing any more.
      First off, I am not a doctor, so please take this with a grain of salt: The endocrinologist may not have to be your first step – if you have had a check up at all in the last year, how were your thyroid numbers? You may be able to go back to your GP and have them refer you for a thyroid function test and then any further testing that is required. The next steps usually are (1) to get an ultrasound of your thyroid – according to all of the technicians I’ve had over the last 10 years, about half of people have a weird looking thyroid; (2) to have a thyroid uptake scan where they look at whether the lump on your thyroid is functioning as an extension of your thyroid or if it is just being a lump; (3) needle aspiration biopsy to check if it is malignant or benign.
      In terms of your new symptoms, I definitely noticed that I was more “aware” of the lumps after the doctor pointed them out to me – when I am having a lot of anxiety, it feels a little bit like I’m choking. Depending on the placement of your lump, you may be able to have just that part removed if it is impeding your ability to breathe, etc. My sister ended up having her thyroid removed because of that issue, but is still incredibly healthy with a supplement.
      In the meantime, good luck!

    6. I was in Chicago for Thanksgiving two years ago and woke up with three nodules on my thyroid. As soon as I got back home, I made an appointment with my PCP. From there, I was given a referral to get an ultrasound and a biopsy. I had both and learned that all the nodules were benign.

      My advice for you is to step away from the Google. This is not something that you can self-diagnose, so you are only going to increase your worry. It’s a nerve wracking experience, I understand, but in a case like this knowledge is not power. If you come away from the biopsy and your results necessitate further action, apparently it’s a very “easy” (I know having cancer is never, ever easy) thing to resolve (removal of the thyroid and medication for like).

      As far as getting your mind off of it, I know it’s going to be hard because the nodules are front and center whenever you look in the mirror, but my suggestion would be to start a new project in an area you aren’t familiar with. If you can focus on something else it will make in easier. If you’d like to chat more, let me know.

      1. Agree. It is most likely a very benign issue as mentioned by the other posters but just to calm you down re worst case scenarios: thyroid cancer is one of the best ones to have. My dad and my husband are survivors (three times for my dad! And he’s currently being evaluated for it AGAIN). It is highly treatable and doesn’t involve chemo. It does involve sonograms/biopsies, surgery to remove your thyroid (or a regrowth of thyroid-like cells), and radioactive iodine. And of course you’ll be on Synthroid or Levythyroxine for the rest of your life, but it’s a pretty inexpensive prescription AND you’ll get better monitoring for a lot of health issues because your endocrinologist will draw blood every 3-6 months for the rest of your life and will notice if there is anything abnormal.

    7. Call the people you have an appointment with and mention that your symptoms have changed since you made the appointment. They can guide you as to if you need to come in sooner or just hang tight. You can also call your OB/GYN or PCP for advice too.

      It could be a number of things, including cancer. But like most things, it is actually very common and very treatable. You would be shocked the number of people I know with thyroid issues (~10) and half found lumps and none of them were cancerous. It’s a very scary thing, but instead of googling, start figuring out what questions you want to ask (biopsy it, results, medicines causing it, etc). Deep breaths. It’s okay to be scared, but don’t let your nerves get the best of you.

      1. Good advice. Also, if you’re having new symptoms, it’s fine to go to an urgent care facility, or even an ER. You’ll get seen by an endocrinologist a lot sooner. Your GP, rather than GYN, should also be experienced in getting you seen sooner by a needed specialist (if not, you really should change GP before you need this again).
        So people want you to get away from google. Harumph. An educated patient is more likely to survive imho. But I’d say make sure this week that you read the fine print on your insurance contract, and get your ducks in order for the inevitable financial fight to get enough testing and treatment..
        That said, I second everyone’s advice about it not necessarily being cancer, and that kind of cancer being not too lethal in general. So really try not to panic, even though it’s much easier said from this side of the keyboard.

    8. I’m not trying to be flip, but you might have swollen lymph nodes and a sore throat because you have a cold. At least half my office is walking around sniffling! I also think you need to tell your husband you’re freaked out and you need his help keeping calm. If your husband really isn’t the right person, talk to a good friend. For what it’s worth, several of my family members have had their thyroids removed for cancer, and it has almost no impact on their day-to-day lives.

    10. Try not to worry too much. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism 13 years ago and it turns out I had/have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, which the hypothyroidism resulted from. I have an enlarged thyroid (called a goiter) that is a result of the Hashimoto’s. When I was diagnosed they noticed largish nodules on my thyroid and I have bi-annual ultrasounds done to monitor them. There’s been no growth, so there’s no need for worry as people with enlarged thyroids often have nodules as well.

      Your enlarged lymph nodes could be a result of your thyroid levels being unbalanced (mine did this until they found the perfect dose). Finding the right dose of medication is often a process (lots of blood tests and monitoring how you’re feeling), but it will make all the difference in the world once you’re on the right drug at the right dose. I hardly feel any side effects from having hypothyroidism now that mine is under control. Thyroiditis comes in many forms with many different presentations, so don’t get too freaked out until you see your endocrinologist. Best of luck though!

  8. Good news: I got a job. Yay! It’s in a different city (that I’ve been looking at moving to) with a significant salary bump, and the work promises to be far more interesting than what I was doing at my previous job.

    The bad news: They want me to move to the new city this Wednesday. Yikes.

    Ladies… have any of you upped sticks and moved on this kind of notice? They’ll be giving me a week’s accomodation while I search for an apartment, and a relocation bonus to take care of moving expenses… but what can I do to make this process as hassle-free as possible? And what kind of things should I absolutely remember to do so it’s a smoother transition?

    TIA!

    3. Yup, I moved on 4 days’ notice for a job once. They paid for me to live in a hotel and rent a car for two weeks whileI looked for a rental. I ended up renting a cheap furnished studio for 3 months until my spouse was also able to relocate. If you don’t know the new city well, I’d recommend doing something similar (and putting your stuff in storage) to have a chance to figure out what neighborhoods appeal to you.

    4. A week??! To find housing?! That might not be possible–especially if you are also working full-time during that week. I’d push back for at least 1 month, if not 3 months.

      Seriously, unless you have no furniture, hire movers. Now is not the time to try to pocket that relocation bonus.

      Congrats! This will be one of the stories you tell at cocktail parties for years.

      1. Yeah, I’m sorry, but even if you found a new place in a week – would it be available to move into? Plus, you might settle because you’re so nervous about trying to find a place in time. On such short notice they should pay for a hotel for at least a month.

        It IS very exciting!

        and do tell what the new city is, everyone will want to give you some tips.

    5. My mom moved cross-country and started a new job on < 3 weeks notice at the beginning of last year. She works for a university, so she had to be there at the start of the semester. She left with a couple of suitcases and what would fit in her car and stayed with friends for a few days before finding a place to live. (She ended up staying with a family she met for that first semester.) She still hasn't gotten her house in the original city sold yet–she's a recovering hoarder and even spending the last two summers back there clearing things out it's not done yet. She's hoping to be ready to put the house on the market next summer.

      In your case, I'd definitely advise putting most of your stuff in temporary storage as suggested. Perhaps you could hire movers to load a storage pod for you, since that can combine the moving and storage parts?

    6. How far away is the new city, and do you have close friends or family in the old city? Do you have a full household of furniture, or just a bit? Do you have a lease you have to get out of, or a house to sell? If you have someone you can trust and are in a position to cover both apartments, I’d pack up everything I needed for the immediate move, and have a trusted friend or family member take care of the rest, or even supervise the movers (it’s sometimes hard to get movers with less than two weeks’ notice!). In your new city, depending on the situation, I’d try to find a month’s furnished accommodation and spend that month finding the right place.

      Best of luck! This sounds incredibly exciting and fantastic, even if it’s stressful!

    7. I did this a little over six months ago, for my current job. I lived on the other side of the state and they wanted me to start in five days (and they were not providing any form of relocation assistance). I pushed back and negotiated for an additional eight days. That was still not enough time… my fiance ended up going back on three successive weekends to finish cleaning out the old place.

      The first thing I would say is to go through your place and segregate everything you can’t go a week without. I tried to pack most things like this into various suitcases, then I basically started living out of the suitcases for the remaining time I had before the move.

      One thing I did *not* do well, and wish I had done, was to then pack up separately everything I couldn’t go a month without. This is probably still a fairly small minority of your actual stuff (unless you’re much more spartan than I). But the last thing you want to do is to be in a new city and not be able to locate your crockpot because it’s in one of a dozen kitchen boxes and you don’t have time to unpack them. You’d think labeling would help–that’s what I was counting on–but it turned out that no amount of labeling was possibly enough to help me find the things I needed the most.

      Finally, perhaps the most important thing. Don’t be afraid to get rid of things. I thought I was discarding a lot of stuff, but I got rid of at least twice as much after the move. Anything that doesn’t have a clear purpose in life should be considered for discarding. And I would seriously consider a storage unit for anything you don’t need right away. We committed to renting one the second we got into town, and we actually took the moving truck to the storage unit before we unloaded the rest at our new place. While I curse the fact that I *still* have a storage unit six months later (I’m committed to emptying it before a year is up), it was a lifesaver to not be wading through all of that in my new home.

      Good luck! I hope your moving process goes smoothly. Congratulations on the salary increase; that’s pretty exciting. :)

    8. Pack a suitcase of what’s important. Depending on where you move … a week might be too long (ala Bay Area)! This weekend would be a really good time to throw everyone you won’t keep into a box and donate it to lighten your move load.

    1. I am wearing it in Mink right now! I bought it a few weeks ago to live in my very cold office and I’ve been wearing it all the time when I’m at my desk. I thought the super drape-y style might be a bit much but I love it. It feels like wearing a blanket. I sized up to have it fit over cardigans and other tops and it works great. I’ve had to resist pulling the trigger on other fun colors.

      1. I have no willpower today. You sold me! Just bought it in the storm color.

    4. This cardigan sounds amazing and I love the colour range. Those of you who have it, do you think it would work for pregnancy? Is it drapey enough?

      2. Never been preggo but I would say yes. It was tightest in the shoulders for me with lots of room in the torso (which is the idea). The drapey part is literally a giant rectangle of fabric. It looks nice open as well.

  10. I’m wearing a murfette scarf today in my sorority pattern with a jacket / shirt in colors that the scarf really pulls together.

    :)

    1. What is a murfette scarf? My Googling is below-par today – it just turns up a lot of Lilly Pulitzer links and Ebay links to Lilly Pulitzer showing scarves with little tassels (?)

      1. your googling is spot on – that’s what it is. the bigger Lilly scarves (almost pashmina size) are called Murfees. the littler ones — Murfe**e.

  11. I was kind of late in the morning thread, so reposting to see if anyone has thoughts (though thanks, preg 3L, for pointing out the link in the weekly roundup!)

    How do you handle a job application where they ask for salary history? Salary expectations is one thing, but salary history? Complicating this is it’s for a job in a different, much cheaper cost of living state, so salary expectations may be wildly different. It’s also an online form, so I may have to put something in the box to get it to go through.

    2. Kat just posted an article about salary requirements I believe in the weekly news roundup. That might help.

  12. I haven’t worn leggings since the early 90s, but want to get some for this fall/winter. What leggings do you guys love? I’d like something thick enough to smooth over any lumps.

    2. I really like the J. Crew Pixie pants. They are thicker and more substantial that other leggings. I also like Zella leggings, but they are more of a workout pant than a true legging. They certainly work with tunics and long tees, though.

      I’ve heard good things about HUE, but have never tried them.

      2. I finally tried the Minnies (sized down a size in the twill, as per the clerk’s suggestion)…and they are kind of awesome. I’d never wear them to work, but I’ll change into them when I get home.

    3. I usually wear Hue but I just ordered the ponte leggings from J Jill. I should get them this week so I’ll let you know if they arrive this weekend!

    4. I got Target leggings (I think they are Mossimo brand) that are comfy & thick enough to be smoothing. They’re very flattering. I think they were $8 and they’ve lasted a couple years of regular wear, so the quality is good for the price.

    5. I also like J Cr*w leggings. Just got the ones with a leather stripe down the side. Also WHBM and Loft have nice ones tht I got last year.

  13. What’s the female equivalent of sports coat this time of the year?

    I’m going to a slightly stuffy but not overly formal party tomorrow night. It’s not work-related. I always have trouble figuring out this kind of thing when the seasons change but, on top of that, I had a baby a few months ago and only have two dresses that fit: one is something I’d wear to work, the other is a subdued maxi dress. I live in a Midwestern city (not Chicago) and it’s going to be mid-80s tomorrow (cooler in the evening when the party will be held though).

    I go to these kind of parties often enough that I can confidently say that were going to the same event and it were still August, I’d wear the subdued maxi dress. TIA!

    1. I’m not sure why the dress code would be significantly different in September than in August, other than maybe the “no white after labor day” thing. I’d wear the maxi dress & take a wrap or jacket in case you get chilly in the evening. If its mid-80s in the day, I think summer dresses are still appropriate.

      1. Thanks! You’re right, the dress code isn’t different just because it’s September… but the maxi dress has spaghetti straps which, at some point in the fall, start to look very out of place. I don’t have an appropriate jacket that fits right now so I can’t hide the spaghetti straps all the time, but I can sort of hide them under a wrap like you suggest. Maybe I shouldn’t be living with such a limited wardrobe, but I really don’t want to go shopping for anything but essentials since I’m still losing the baby weight.

    2. I would wear a dressy jacket or embellished top with black pants or pencil skirt.

        1. Jeans aren’t allowed (men have to be in sports coats with khakis or nicer, sorry I didn’t specify).

          1. Oh, that makes sense. The maxi dress comment threw me off. How about a nice short sleeved dress?

    4. I just bought a knit moto jacket that I throw over my dresses in this type of situation. A little more casual than a sports coat, but still party appropriate (IMO).

    1. Darn it. I thought it was set up on my DVR and it didn’t record. I have to reprogram!

  15. Regular poster anon for this.

    I recently got a fellowship with a political campaign. It’s unpaid, but is an important leadership position. We have our first meeting tomorrow morning. It didn’t even occur to me that I need to worry about what to wear, but someone asked me about the dress code and I realized I have no idea.

    The meeting is at the headquarters, and is at 9 AM on a Saturday. I assumed that casual but put together would be fine, but now I’m second-guessing. Any thoughts?

    1. Jeans, comfy shoes, nice shirt/blouse and a blazer. wear things with lots of pockets.

    2. I think you’re right, casual but put together. Jeans and a blazer, with a top that looks decent on its own if no one else is in a jacket or it’s just too hot, would be about right. Even at higher levels of the organization, there will be people in sweatshirts at a Saturday morning meeting.

  16. Ladies, I’m celebrating. My boss just told me that I’ve been approved as a full-time employee of the university. I was originally hired under a one-year contract, but with an awesome salary and all the same benefits. My one-year anniversary was 10 days ago and they had extended my contract to the middle of November. But they just sent me an offer letter.

    So excited and so happy. I love my job. Going to walk over to my club in a half hour and have a glass of sparkling rose at the bar!

  17. Just wanted to give a karmic shout-out to the Sisterhood. In the last two months I’ve gotten two unsolicited job prospects come my way via ladies I’ve known (one well and the other in passing). It makes me think that an Old Gals Network is not a total pipedream.

    So many thanks to those two, and to the power of the working ladies looking out for each other. I intend to pay it forward once I can, and I look forward to helping some other high-achieving women someday.

    2. I also got my most recent job through the Old Girls Network (a college friend). I let her know I was looking and she referred me to the posting. Yay!

  18. I was diagnosed with chondromalacia patella recently and today is the first day in three weeks where my knee hasn’t hurt for hours. Yay. Hope everyone is having a great weekend as well!

  19. Just found out I did not get a promotion. It was between me and one other coworker. I think the only reason I didn’t get it was she has slightly more experience in the division. Kind of a bummer!

  20. Has anyone taken Amtrak from LA to San Diego? Is it worth it to upgrade to business class? It’s $37 for a value seat and $56 for a business seat. As far as I can tell, the main difference is that your seating assignment is guaranteed in the business class seat.

  21. I will be in Austin this weekend with my elderly mother. Do you kind ladies have any recommendations for restaurants or activities that someone with slightly limited mobility would find enjoyable? I am thinking in particular that maybe there is a restaurant with a great view or something (but not Oasis, as she doesn’t eat Mexican, which is pretty limiting!)

    Stairs are difficult, as is standing for long periods of time, but she is fine otherwise. Thanks in advance!

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Salt Lick and The County Line are great BBQ restaurants I mostly eat Mexican food when I am there, so don’t have too many other recommendations. Downtown has some nice shops and restaurants as well.

    5. Perla’s is lovely. I was in Austin for a conference last fall, and DH flew out to meet me for the weekend after. We spent an afternoon on the patio having a leisurely late lunch of oysters and c*cktails, watching people go by and listening to the grackles.

  22. I’m on the hunt for a white t-shirt that is long enough to wear with leggings (i.e., to cover my bottom) and would work under cardigan sweaters and the like. So I’m guessing it has to be somewhat fitted. I would probably prefer short sleeve, but I’m flexible on that. Anybody seen something like that?

  24. Can people contact you to “connect” on LinkedIn if you’re not on LinkedIn?
    I have gotten several requests but don’t understand how since I am not on LinkedIn and never have been (and, yes, I know I should be but I shun all social media even if it might be good for me).

    1. Yes, they are able to enter an email address to send you the invitation. I used to get requests to a work email that was not an email address connected with any LinkedIn profile.

      1. Whew. Thank you.
        I kept worrying I somehow ended up on the site without signing up.

        1. AIMS, you probably are on LinkedIn without signing up. LinkedIn (and others like Spoke) create profiles for people without their knowledge. If you’ve ever had your name in the paper announcing a new job or presenting at a conference or something similar, they use that info. Usually – on LinkedIn for example – that auto-created account will have just one contact, which is LinkedIn itself and the title/employer from the press. If the person with a blank profile were to then activate the profile, it would be partially completed. Google your name and LinkedIn or Spoke to see.

          1. Eeek! That’s so invasive. I just googled and luckily I don’t think that’s the case but that’s so creepy.

    2. I think you can let LinkedIn raid your contacts list (email/facebook etc) and it’ll send the invitation to your email address directly. Maybe that would do it?

      1. LinkedIn will review your email contact list so that it can pull up all of your contacts who are already on LinkedIn. At least in my case, it didn’t automatically send emails, but it let me review members who had email addresses that matched my contact list to see if I wanted to send an invitation to connect. I did this several years ago. I noticed recently (in the last 2-3 weeks) that they have started recommending “people you may know” who are not on LinkedIn, but whose address must be part of multiple LinkedIn member’s email contact lists. It will list the person’s email address and say “8 shared connections”–when what they really mean is, 8 LinkedIn members have that person’s email address in their contacts. I personally don’t try to link in with those people, even if I know them, because I know they are not actually on LinkedIn, but I can see how someone could easily be confused by the way the information is being displayed, and try to “connect” with you (which will result in you getting an email asking you to join LinkedIn).

        In addition, as mentioned above, if someone specifically wants to link in with you, they can type in your email address and send you an invitation.

    3. LinkedIn gives you an option to send (i.e., spam) a linkedin invite to everyone on your address list. They bug you about this just about every time you log-in, so it’s easy to click “yes,” and boom, everyone you know gets an invitation to connect with you. This is a problem because I’ve gotten linkedin invites from people I hardly know (but have exchanged e-mails with), opposing counsel, etc. If you don’t want to be on linkedin, just ignore it. If you are in the business/legal world and networking is important to your career, then you really should get on-board. I shun all social media *except* for linkedin.

      1. +1 to this. I shun all social media (including Facebook), but I do have a LinkedIn account.

        1. I know I should, but I justify it because I know I just won’t use it proactively so what’s the point?
          It probably is a little useful anyway but I just don’t want to.

          1. Even if *you* don’t use it, people can use it to find you. If I need local counsel in another state, I check my LinkedIn and see who I’m linked with that is a lawyer in that state. Even if all you did on LinkedIn was accept links, you would then be available as someone who could get emailed by a connection for potential business.

          2. What does that mean “use it proactively”? You’re going to wait till you’re good and unemployed to try to hunt down the people you should have naturally connected with over the years? You don’t have to be logged on there chatting your life away like it was facebook. But if you’re working and intend to keep on working, it’s smart to at least a profile that’s reasonably up to date.

      2. @ M C Agreed. I don’t like social media at all. When I finished grad school the career services lady basically said, “Tough luck. At least make a simple profile. You basically have to these days.” I got over myself and made a profile.

  25. Anyone want to go on a hunt for me? I’m looking for black boots that I can wear to work, either with a skirt or with pants for under $100.00. I’d prefer leather, but that might not be possible at this price point. I’d like something without too much of a heel, but with some kind of traction, as I have a 15 minute walk from the bus stop to my office (and boots with no traction are a major pet peeve of mine). I really don’t like the uber cheap boots that I’ve seen at Payless and Target where it seems like the heel/sole has just been haphazardly jammed on the bottom of the boot.

      1. Those were absolutely perfect, available in my size, and are on their way to me right now. Thank you so much!

  26. http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/09/rick-owenss-rejection-of-conventional-beauty.html

    I am so happy to see this. It’s also an excellent testament to how movement-friendly his clothes are. Normally, when I see clothes on the runway, I think, “hmmm, if I do something more than walk mechanically with my arms glued to my side, I’d probably tear out a seam or trip over.”

    That these women could do a step choreography while wearing these clothes is says something about their wearability (at least, in terms of movement.)

  27. Well, I have now entirely struck out for BigLaw/OCI in Boston (and of course my top choice firm is the one that took the longest to tell me after my CB). I’ve been mailing/sending in applications to all sorts of firms throughout New England (and NYC) since mid-August (I know I should have started earlier, but I was too focused on getting my cover letter as close to perfect as possible) and networking since last year. I’ve been trying to send as many applications out as possible, but I also don’t want to fall behind on other commitments and classes. I’m wicked frustrated now and not sure what else to do.

    1. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Frustration is normal, but as my favorite professor always told us – only a small percentage of students get jobs through OCI, it is by no means the only route to summer employment or post-graduation employment. Keep sending resumes and talking to people. Many small and medium firms do NOT hire this early, so I certainly don’t think you’re too late.

      1. Thanks. I heard a stat that only 15% or so of people at BU/BC (where I am) get positions through OCI, which is why I started mailing early and wasn’t banking on it – but it’s so tough when you have that one possibility and it is now gone!

        Also today, I met someone from my school who graduated this year and is unemployed who told me that she would guess half of her class is unemployed right now (which is very different from what the class before was, so I’m guessing it is somewhat in between – I have found that people with great positions overestimate how many have jobs and those with no jobs overestimate how many are in the same position). That certainly didn’t help me with my outlook!

        I feel like this, after I get over the initial frustration, will renew my energy for applying elsewhere, though. Thanks for the comment about small and midsized – I’m really hoping now to end up at a midsized (or in house for the summer), maybe one specializing in one of the specific areas I am hoping to pursue. That’s encouraging!

        Thanks again for your response!

    2. Keep your chin up, just getting selected to interview at OCI is further than a lot of law students make it (myself included, and now I’m in-house at a Fortune 100 company). If your grades were good enough to get you an interview I think you still have a pretty good shot once firms reevaluate their hiring needs.

    3. Most non-OCI firms will start interviewing in October, after OCI has snatched the top 5% of your class (or whatever tiny percentage they get). Don’t be discouraged!! Summer is so far away and if you were actually getting OCI interviews, you’ll be fine. I’m at a law school nowhere near as good as BU/BC, I went into OCI in the middle of my class (got zero interviews), and I found a job by Thanksgiving of 2L. This is a long process! Keep your chin up!!

      1. As far as concrete advice, I would say you should keep sending applications. I downloaded the AM300 list of firms and applied to every.single.one in the location I wanted that accepted 2L summer associates. I didn’t send any paper applications though. Try to do a set # every week, and just limit yourself there.

        1. Thanks! That’s great to hear.

          I made a list using Vault, AM350, Chambers, Resume Launchpad, school excel sheets (they make them for the different locations and size of firms and include tips on where to send applications, who doesn’t hire summers or 3Ls, if they call them interns or summer associates, and things like that – though I’m still applying to all of them in case their program or needs changed from last year), and some other sources. I started applying to the ones in my top locations and/or with the practice areas I’m most interested in and am now into the locations or practice areas that I’m not as interested in (but if I got the job, I’d still go to). I’ve fallen off a lot since school started, though, so I’m going to try doing a set number per week so I don’t feel overwhelmed with everything.

          Thanks for sharing your experience and the concrete advice!

    4. You’re using a standard cover letter, and not customizing for every position you apply for? Look no further…

      1. No, I am customizing my cover letter – I guess I could have phrased it as working to perfect the basis of the cover letter (before, it felt more like it told rather than showed, so that was what I was working on). I have different ones based on size, practice areas, and location of firm (and then others for non-firm jobs) and further include information specific to the firm where it makes sense to do so. Of course, when applying to hundreds of jobs that don’t have a ton of variety visible from the law student point of view (other than size/location/practice area typically), there is only so much you can customize!

        A lot of the firms don’t even accept cover letters, though, so I doubt that would be affecting much – the strike out was in regards to places I interviewed with through OCI. Most of the firms I’ve done the targeted mailing for have said they don’t start reviewing mailed applications yet.

  28. Hi hive…coming to you live from nor-Cal and the 24 hour place he’s at. After I had to leave for work last week, I promised I’d be back today. Uncle told me today Papa wanted to know where I was, so he’s tracking time if only because every time he wakes up he asks the time.

    Still wish I could fix everything. It is just crazy to me that less than 6 months ago he was building stuff at the shop.

    I’m here until Sunday night at least.

    1. I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through, but it is good you get to spend some more time with him. 3 of my grandparents passed before I was born, but the fourth lived with me my entire life. He passed a few years ago after a pretty long period of illnesses, and the last time I saw him he was in the hospital and I’m not sure if he could recognize me. I’m actually tearing up now thinking about it. I miss him and wish I spent more time and was more patient with him.

    2. You are bringing your grandfather and family much comfort with your presence. And one small positive in the middle of this hard situation: If your grandfather was building stuff six months ago then he’s being spared a long, long siege of sickness and suffering. (? Apologies if I’m misreading your msg or not recalling correctly.)

      1. True, very true. He really only started to be hit hard with this right after my visit in about June. He had some back pain and discomfort before that, but really it was summer / late summer before it got bad, and then only in the last 6 weeks has it been to the point where he was sleeping all the time. We just brought him into 24 hour care about 10 days ago.

        So you’re right – it just seems long to me, because all of the others I’ve been connected to were really sudden.

  29. I am 27 and I am going to my first conference with my boss this week. I have most of the wardrobe/what to bring down (thanks to thissite!) but I am not sure what bag I should carry. I’m assuming that I should go small – would a nice pink leather over-the-shoulder Coach purse be okay? (I don’t own a similar purse in a neutral color – I usually use tote bags to get my stuff around the city. But I may be able to borrow something from a roommate.) Thanks. :)

    1. Good luck at the conference! As long as your boss is nice, it’s pretty fun traveling with her or him because you’ll get to know each other better.

      It seems like you’re wondering about a purse (I have feelings on carry-on or luggage bags, too, if that’s what you mean…). I actually carry a larger purse when traveling, especially at a conference. I carry a purse that is large enough to fit my iPad, a notebook, and the conference materials. I think this is much more streamlined than carrying a small purse and then having your hands full of conference materials, coffee, etc., all day. I have gotten my last couple from Target. I tend to abuse them pretty badly and I don’t want to have to fuss with something I’m afraid to get a little dirty when traveling. They’re about $35 and last about a year, in my experience.

      As for color–I think you’re good with pink or whatever else you want to carry. I wouldn’t carry one that looks juvenile with Hello Kitty or something on it, but a solid color should be fine. I’m firmly in the camp that believes it’s ok to show some personality at work, as long as you act like a grown up. And some grown ups like pink purses.

    2. Do you mean for travel or for the day to day? Honestly, I think if it is the latter, you need to know your partner. Some will hate anything that stands out (including a pink bag) and some will not care or will not notice.

      But I wouldn’t carry a purse to a conference. Either carry a tote (a bag big enough to carry files or notepads), or don’t bring a bag. There isn’t any reason to carry a purse at a conference. You can get away with it as an older woman, but it is silly for the under-50 or -60 set.

      1. Thanks! It’s a one day event and I’ll need something to hold my cell phone/wallet/keys. I’m also bringing a padfolio. I might be able to find a tote that will work…

  30. I have a friend who lives nearby and has kids the same ages and genders as mine. Her daughter has a more dominant (read: bossy/loud) personality, so whenever our girls play together (almost daily because they are at the same school), my daughter goes into follower mode and does whatever the other girl says, even though my daughter is generally not like that with other people. Another parent at their school invited my daughter into a newly formed, volunteer-led group of girls (think Girl Scouts) and we are excited to have our daughter meet some other girls, explore the outdoors, etc. I’d prefer that my friend’s daughter not join because I would like for it to be an opportunity for my daughter to make some new friends. I’m dreading that my friend will catch-on (which is inevitable) and ask me why I didn’t invite her daughter to join the group as well. What should I say to her at that point? Am I totally overthinking this?

    1. Could you preempt it by sharing your observations of your daughter with your friend and explaining that you think this new group will be a good opportunity for your daughter to develop her own leadership skills?

      Personally, I’d have a hard time saying that, but it may help your friend consider her own daughter’s behavior. Is it significant that the other parent hasn’t invited your friend’s daughter? Perhaps she has the same effect on other classmates?

      Alternatively, how can you be sure that someone else won’t invite your friend’s daughter to join the group? To be on the safe side, and to avoid contributing to someone feeling left out, could you find another kind of group that didn’t originate with students from your daughter’s class? That way if you were to explain the situation to your friend, you wouldn’t be promoting your own daughter’s development at her daughter’s expense.

      Finally, I was a lot like your daughter when I was growing up, and I wish I had developed the tools to be my own assertive self around personalities like your friend’s daughter. I’m not sure how much you can help her with this, but personally, I think it may have helped me if an adult had taken me aside and said it was ok to tell Bossy Friend no sometimes, and that I didn’t have to be a people pleaser with her.

      1. I also was like your daughter in many ways growing up and do wish my parents had told me it is okay to speak up and stand up for yourself sometimes. I still have difficulty standing out, being assertive, and taking a spotlight (as opposed to backstage) role.

        If it is a small group that you were invited into, could you just say that you didn’t feel right inviting others when you yourself were recently invited?

        I think mentioning the personality aspect is good as well. You could present it in a positive way, basically saying that you are very happy that your daughters are friends. You have noticed, of course, that there is a different dynamic between them than others and so would also like to encourage your daughter to make other friends in addition, which would allow your daughter to be in different roles in different groups and continue to learn the all important social aspects of life. You could also say that you think it is important for girls their age to meet different groups – and maybe suggest another group that your daughter is not in that her daughter can join?

    2. I think that’s ok. When I was aroud that age, one of my teachers described me to my grandparents as a “leader-follower.” I would lead when the need arose, and follow when that was more appropriate. Do you think it might be some of that? If she’s perfectly capable of leading in other situations, I think you may be ok. If the more dominant friend gets in the way of her making other friends, then I like Joan’s suggestion.

    3. Have you talked to your daughter about it and why she seems to follow the other girl differently than she does with others?

      I don’t have kids but I read a fair amount about gender issues. I know that many times boys are rewarded for their “leadership” behavior while girls are treated negatively for their “bossy” behavior even though the behaviors are very similar. My point is that it might be difficult to talk with your friend about it if she sees it as a criticism of her daughter’s behavior, which may not be fair. I obviously don’t know how her daughter is behaving so definitely disregard if I’ve read the situation incorrectly. I do think that it could be helpful to talk to your daughter about this or gently encourage her to expand her group of friends even if this other girl joins as well.

    4. Overthinking. Just tell your friend that you assumed that the parent who invited you was telling everyone about it and you didn’t think to mention it.

  31. To follow up on my NFL stadium bag dilemma, I think I ended up with a good solution (or two) for less than $30. None of the crossbody bags at DSW or Target were small enough. They were all about 8 inches wide. I found a Nine West wristlet that was the exact measurements and it was $3 with a coupon. Then, I went to a local store to look at some other things and found one larger clear crossbody bag with a chain handle. It was $25. I can either put my phone, cash, driver’s license, etc. in the wristlet inside the crossbody (with keys inside the crossbody), or put phone and keys right in the clear bag with cards and cash in a separate little coin purse that I take to the gym. Not sure which way I’m going to go yet but at least I have some good choices.

  32. Is it uncomfortable or difficult to drive well in rush hour traffic in heels? I just got a new job that will require a driving commute. I favor ~3 or 3.5″ pumps at work. My first thought was that it would be nice to just drive in my heels to work and not deal with commuting shoes + rack of pumps at the office, but then I wondered if it might be really optimistic and I should wear something more comfortable to drive in. Thoughts?

    1. I do it every day (~30 min commute) and I’ve never seriously considered switching out shoes. The only time it really occurred to me was when I thought I might be risking breaking the heels, but in all my life, I’ve never ever broken a heel — driving or otherwise. Instead, I just keep one pair of comfortable shoes at work (and an identical pair in the car) in case my heels become uncomfortable or I need to walk a distance.

    2. It can wear out the back of your heels faster. I usually wear sketchers or croc boat shoes to drive and throw on my heels before getting out of the car.

    3. I have one of those rubber floor mats, and I’ve had small heels get stuck in the grooves, which is a bit scary when it happens. I now drive only in flats/car shoes.

    4. You don’t have to leave your heels at work. Just bring them with you in the morning and change into them before you walk into your office. Leave your flat shoes in your car while you’re at work, and then change back into flats when you get back to your car to drive home.

      I prefer to drive in flats or sandals.

    5. Driving in heels is dangerous and can ruin your heels. I try to drive in flats. If I forget them, I just drive barefoot.

    6. I don’t drive in heels, because it’s more difficult to move my foot, or sandals, because my mom was once in an accident because her sandal got stuck on the pedal. (She rear-ended someone and only had very minor injuries, but her car was totaled.) I usually just take off my right shoe while driving. In Wisconsin, where I used to live, it’s illegal to drive barefoot. I kept a pair of old flats in the car there to use for driving.

    7. Thanks for the advice for this new driver! I think I will plan to drive in flats for the reasons y’all mentioned. Depending on the set-up of my office, I’m inclined to leave my work shoes in a rack there (as I did at my last job) so that’s one less thing I have to deal with when trying to get out of the house in the morning.

    8. Wow. I’ve been driving for almost 40 years and it never occurred to me not to drive in my heels.

    1. I’ve been using a steamer at home for at least 10 years. I’ve always purchased inexpensive machines. I’ve had Jiffy, Steamfast, and Conair and they have all been good and similar in quality. They don’t last forever, esp. if you don’t use distilled water (not worth it at all to me). I expect to replace every 3 years or so.

    2. I purchased mine at Costco. I can’t remember the brand name at the moment. but I love it! I’ve had it for about a year, and it isn’t complaing about the LA water yet. It was under $50, so if I eventually have to replace it, that’s ok.

  34. my husband and i have finally decided to split. in a moment of sheer stupidity, i had a weeklong bender that involved a rebound fling with a guy from work. said guy proceeded to tell everyone at the office which i did not react well to. i’m mortified and now have to deal with the fallout from that while dealing with all of the sadness involved with a separation/divorce. i know i put myself in this situation but i’m feeling incredibly sad and lonely. any advice on what to do to get out of this sh*tty situation or at least make myself not feel like the most pathetic human in the world would be greatly welcomed.

    1. Can you take any leave? That sounds like a situation you’d want to step away from for a bit to break the cycle. If you can’t, then go to work, do your job, and stay away from the gossip and the guy.

      I hope you have friends and/or family nearby to lean on now. They can help with the loneliness, and make sure you’re getting the basics – food, sleep – while you mourn the end of your marriage. If you don’t have people nearby, then an old-school phone call beats facebook and texting any day.

      I know I’m just a random stranger on the internet, but I’m sending you vibes from afar. (Or possible anear, who knows?)

      1. I too am sending my best, and I think the above is all good advice. In terms of not feeling pathetic, I want to strongly plug self-compassion (look up reading on the topic if you feel up to it). It’s all about viewing your own failings and suffering as you would someone else’s, and as part of the common human experience–as opposed to judging and picking on yourself, and thinking you’re all alone in how weak and flawed you are. I have found it immensely helpful in times when I felt down on myself.

        This might make it easier to deal with any guy-related blowback that comes up at work. Drawing on your inner forgiveness and comfort to yourself, I can picture something like, “Yes, this is a really tough time for me, and unfortunately I’ve done some things I regret in my struggle to get through.” That really defuses the drama and avoids slinging mud back on the guy. Good luck and check back in.

    2. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I’m betting this guy is hurting his reputation more than yours by bragging about this at work. I know the general wisdom is work hook ups hurt the woman more than the man but I think this is the exception. You are the vulnerable one here and he looks like the jerk that took advantage of that. I doubt he is scoring any points by bragging.

      I have a general life philosophy where I refuse to get upset or mad for things I have already done that I can’t change. My attitude is “well, I screwed that up. I learned my lesson and won’t be doing that again. No point in dwelling on it. Moving on.” It helps that I have the attention span of an ant. Actually, ants build some pretty intricate hills so they probably have better attention span than mine. I have the attention span of Dori from finding Nemo.

      It really isn’t going to do you any good to beat yourself up. Instead, dust yourself off. Get a killer haircut. Buy some new shoes. Do whatever you need to do to feel professional and confident. Throw yourself into your work to distract yourself. The best revenge (to the d-bag at work and the ex-h) is to be the best you you can be. Totally shine. You’ve got this.

    3. Sad – you’ve been given amazing advice here – love this forum! Hang in there!

    4. Seconding everything already said by everybody else.
      If you need a private keep-your-chin-up slogan while you are becoming and being your best, here are some possibilities:
      – “Tough times don’t last…tough people do”
      – “Just say FOOEY and move on” (a slogan developed some time ago on this s i t e)
      – “Keep calm and carry on”
      – Variation of the above that makes me smile, “Keep calm and deny everything”
      – Variation #2 (not from the same source–English WWII morale-maintaining propaganda–but from the same place) “No explanation, no apology”
      We’ve all done things we regret. The real question is, how can we move on to more positive activities?

    5. Thanks, everyone. A family member is flying in this week to stay with me for a bit. I floated the idea of taking a leave with one of the partners I work closely with but he did not think it was a good idea at this time.

      The advice for a personal motto and to give myself a break is something I am trying to adhere too but as with most things it is easier said than done. I will just keep plugging along and hope that everything blows over soon.

      Thanks again for the advice–I’m grateful for a place like this and to know there are compassionate people put there.

    6. First off, that guy is a class A DOOSHCANOE, and I hope he gets a serious karmic slap soon. Agreeing with others that he’s doing more damage to his reputation than yours.

      As someone who’s been through a fairly public divorce (my husband was a client of my firm – and my firm dropped him as a client when we split, which was a very kind show of support on their part), I can vouch for the value of developing stock responses to questions about your divorce (and about what happened with the aforementioned dooshcanoe). Mine was something along the lines of, “Yes, Ex-H and I are getting divorced – it’s been difficult, but people have been really great and supportive here, which I appreciate. Thanks for asking.”

      Some variation of that will get you through almost every question. You don’t have to offer more information than that. W/r/t the other stuff, you can just add something like “Obviously this has been a hard time for me, and I know you’ll understand that I’m just not up to talking about it.” That shuts people down fairly solidly.

    7. I’m so sorry. I left my husband about six months ago so I can totally feel your pain.

      It’s going to be awful, and it’s going to be awful for a lot longer than you think is reasonable. I’ve only started feeling vaguely human again in the past couple of weeks. The fact that this jerk is being so jerky has got to make it worse, and I think Monday’s advice for dealing with him and that situation is spot-on.

      One thing that helped me was telling myself that every horrible day was one horrible day down, one less horrible day to go. And although for some perverse reason I resist the whole “attitude of gratitude” thing, I do try to find something every day to enjoy or appreciate, and that helps.

      Big hugs to you. It sucks but it will get better.

  35. Work vent: I just had to admit to my boss’ boss that I can’t complete a project by deadline. He was upset, but understanding, and even told me not to beat myself up, but I’m really disappointed. I put in 20 hours in the last two days to get it done, and yesterday was my birthday, spent in the office from 7am-8pm.

    I’m not mad at myself, exactly. The project is cleaning up another person’s mess, and as I’ve gotten deeper into it, I’ve found deeper layers of mess. But I thought I was getting to the fix, and I’ve been pushing to make it in time for month end, only to discover today that my fix didn’t work the way I thought it would. I know there is still time before the month is up, but it’s going to take me hours and there’s a piece I have to hand off by Monday morning to get it done in time. I can’t do it. I just can’t.

    Time for a belated birthday celebration with DH, who was sweet enough to get over his fear of the oven to bake me a cake yesterday. (His first.) I was hoping to be celebrating my world-beating ways, though, not licking my wounds. Damn.

    1. NYNY – sounds like you did the best you could under the circumstances. Enjoy the bday celebration.

    2. Sounds like boss and b-boss know that this was a heinous mess, and they may be been better informed than you about how much. Do try to whip up a little report at the end, detailing the layers of mess and why things were even worse than expected. You may as well get credit for superb fixing of horrible mess, eh? Don’t beat yourself up too much about the deadline, especially if you didn’t make the mess or set the deadline..

  36. Can I wear these with black tights and a skirt / dress? I wear taller flat and western boots with skirts and dresses. I’ve never worn the ropers with anything but pants. What do y’all think?

    No?
    Depends on the skirt/dress? [In which case, if you could fantasy shop for a skirt / dress to wear with a pair of black ropers, I’d be much obliged.]

    THANK Y’ALL!

  37. PSA – Talbots is offering 25% off all merchandise (I think it includes sale items too) if you use your Talbots credit card.

  38. Is it out of line to tell my husbands female friends not to text him during the evening?

    1. Absolutely. Also controlling. If your husband doesn’t want to get texts from his friends, he can tell them. If he does enjoy getting those texts, your attempting to limit who he communicates with is scary. If you are unhappy with your husband communicating with other people during your family time, take it up with him. If you are jealous that he has female friends (since texts from men don’t seem to bother you), you need to think about what issues you have with yourself or your relationship that cause that jealousy.

      1. What everyone else said. Also… “in the evening”? Like, so when would they be “allowed” to text him? Only during work hours? What about weekends? Unless we’re talking friends who are constantly texting him after y’all are trying to be asleep (and if so, turn the phone off??), yes, that’s ridiculous. If it’s an issue of “honey, put the phone away during dinner” that’s on him, not them.

    2. Yes. You control your boundaries and relationship with him; he controls his boundaries and relationship with his friends.

    3. I agree with both Monte and Cbackson. You should raise whatever concerns you have with your husband. Also, perhaps he will ask them not to do it and they will continue to do so – in that case, it’s a question of whether he answers them. If he does, then take that up with him.

      If you feel you can’t trust HIM to respect your boundaries and concerns, how can you expect other people to, when they haven’t even made vows to you?

    1. IMO, absolutely not. They’re intended to be s*xy, which is never what you should be projecting at work.

    2. I’ve been in offices where a few wore them, but it was always the very young or wannabe young (and I am also young, but didn’t wear them). Even with the most conservative outfit otherwise, I do not find them appropriate for the office unless it is a very, very casual office – and even then, I agree with Veronique that they are too s*xy for the office.

      From your handle of 2L, I’m guessing you are in law. I would say that they are absolutely not appropriate in the majority of legal work environments, since law tends to be more conservative than other fields.

  40. Do you ladies have any advice for paying down student loans? I’m on mint dot com, re-financed through SoFI, and pay way, way more than the minimum every month. I’d really like to get this monkey off my back. Does anyone have any small tips or tricks to help chip away at student loans? I’d love to hear them!

    1. Have you joined Upromise? This is not a big fix at all, but it is a great way to chip away, largely passively, esp. if you have friends and family members who also sign up and link to your account. And it is actually additional money that gets credited toward your loans, as opposed to just saving more money by lowering spending.

      1. How does Upromise actually work? I thought it was only for saving for college (for your children, for example).

        1. In case you’re checking back, you can certainly link to an existing loan account. In fact, I believe Sallie Mae recently acquired Upromise. I have mine linked to a non-Sallie account, and that is still fine after the acquisition. I’ve paid down over $1000 this way. It helped that my parents linked their cards to my account for a couple of years, before switching to my sister’s account :-(

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