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Vintage-looking sneakers are a thing right now, and I've noticed a few bloggers wearing these classic New Balance kicks, in a lovely purple/white. (Hey, we all know I love a good purple shoe, right?) These seem fun, walkable, and just a bit hip — perfect for a weekend shoe. They're budget-friendly, too — $65, full price. New Balance Classics WL402
Readers, which are your favorite sneakers for the weekends?
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Reix
This week, I read Garance Doré’s post on how her style has changed in the last years and I thought it would make for a fun poll here:
My changes:
– Navy has slowly displaced black as the dark neutral in my wardrobe, and now I am happier with navy, white and grey as my main neutrals. Feels more “me”.
– I found a great hairdresser and can wear my hair down if I feel like it!!!!! (very curly hair, almost always in a bun).
– After wearing only solids (and stripes on weekends) for a looong time… I find myself googling images for tops with liberty prints and coveting a top with a good print.
Remains the same:
– I still almost always wear my hair in a bun.
– I love wearing jewelry.
– I am always in flats.
– I still wear pants almost all the time (although I would like to wear more dresses).
Anyone else wants to play?
Anon
My changes:
I wore almost exclusively silver/platinum jewelry until I was about 30. One day, I switched to yellow gold, and I’ve never looked back.
I used to think I needed a wardrobe with a variety of colors. Now, 95% of it is black, cream, grey, nude, navy, and other blue/green shades. So much happier and more me.
Never wore stripes – now I can’t get enough of nautical stripes.
Used to prefer tighter tops – now I prefer flowy ones.
Remains the same:
90% of my workwear is skirts and dresses. 90% of my casual wear is based around pants.
I always wear flats.
All of my handbags are black or nude. Almost all of my shoes are black or nude.
I have curly hair and I don’t straighten it. Life is too short to worry about losing my straight hairstyle through exercise/rainstorms/good s*x.
Reix
Hi fellow curly who doesn’t straighten!!!!! (and is always in flats!)
And the fewer shades in your wardrobe sound great!
BMBG
Same here with silver/gold at almost the exact same age. No idea what prompted it.
AIMS
No idea what age you are but I think that gold jewelry has also just gotten a lot better. When I was a teen, gold was often so tacky and now I love it but I think it’s more than just the fact that I’ve changed (though I have), it’s gotten a lot prettier, more delicate and more interesting, too.
E
I had the same switch with silver to gold at the same age. My engagement band is white gold and my wedding band is yellow gold so I can keep my options open.
Wildkitten
Same age, same metal switch, but I’m going through it now. I always assumed my rings would be silver-colored but now I’m really puzzled. Not an urgent question for me, but something I spend a non-zero amount of time thinking about.
Ems
My changes are mostly a return to my comfort zone (with a professional twist) after a few years dressing like the scared newbie I was (fourth year associate now).
Changes:
– More dresses/fewer suits. Boden ponte dresses, where have you been all my life?
– More scarves. It’s a way to add some color an femininity to an otherwise conservative outfit.
– More flats/low heels, in brighter colors. I wore green shoes with a navy dress yesterday, and the pop of color made me happy.
Remains the same:
– I’ve had my hair in some variant of the chin length bob since seventh grade, and I can’t see changing any time soon.
– Glasses. They’re a part of my face and I look strange without them.
– Happiest in navy as a neutral with green, purple, magenta and aqua for pops of color.
hoola hoopa
Changes:
– I broke up with black as my neutral. It’s now just an accent color. (Neutrals are brown and sometimes grey). When I was younger I though I *had* to wear black, and then realized that I never feel comfortable that way and can pick whatever I want!
– Flats. Spurred by a job change for reasons I won’t bore you with, but never went back. (I’ve since left the job).
– Scarfs! I didn’t own a single fashion scarf until a couple of years ago, and now I have lots and they are in heavy rotation.
Same:
– Minimal wardrobe. In quantity, not style.
– One purse. I loathe changing out my stuff.
– Heavy focus on blues, greens, and purples.
Cyclical: (because I’m old enough, lol)
– Dresses/skirts: I wore them a lot, then I didn’t wear them at all, now I’m wearing them a lot again.
– Simple jewelry: I go big and bold in phases, but small and simple are so much more ‘me’. I still eye dramatic pieces, so it could change again in a few years.
Bonnie
I’ve become more confident in myself and stopped dressing to blend in. Now I wear more patterns and brighter clothing. I still like classic shapes but take more fashion risks b
Legally Brunette
My changes:
– Stopped feeling guilty about spending money on clothes and stopped buying exclusively “fast fashion” and cheap, tacky clothes that did me no favors
– Started buying beautiful, flattering, high quality clothing (though not necessarily all expensive)
– Went from hardly owning any work dresses to wearing dresses 2-3 times a week to work
– Went from getting hardly any compliments on my clothes to being considered extremely stylish/feminine/elegant in my social and professional circle (who knew)
Stayed the same:
– Love bright colors and jewel tones
– I have difficulty wearing prints (80% of my wardrobe is solid colors in jewel tones)
– Hate wearing red, even though it’s supposedly a good color for my skin tone
– Don’t care about shoes (I need to change this, as I pretty much wear the same 2 pairs of shoes to work every day, which gets boring)
E
Where are you getting beautiful, high quality clothing that isn’t expensive?
Nonny
My changes:
– finally decided that since decent-fitting trousers are so difficult to find, and I much preferred skirts anyway, to simply stop wearing trousers to work
– stopped wearing brown as a neutral, though I still wear it as an accent (if that makes sense)
– like the poster above, stopped wearing silver jewellery and now focus on yellow gold
– stopped buying quantity to focus on quality
– stopped wearing suits every day at work – I now wear a pencil skirt or dress with a cardigan or jacket, reserving suits only for very formal client meetings (though this may be more a function of seniority rather than sartorial preference)
– stopped trying to wear buttondowns – they just aren’t “me”
– stopped wearing pastels. I tried, but they were never flattering and now there are none in my closet except for blush pink, which in my view is more of a neutral
– accepted that cream works WAY better on me than white
Stayed the same:
– I still love classic, feminine clothing with a vintage twist, and skew artsy/bohemian in my non-office life (though I may have been giving my bohemian side slightly more of an airing of late)
– I still wear very few prints, and those I do wear are small-scale to suit my frame
– I still love a bit of drama – maybe a punch of colour, a dramatic necklace or scarf, or unusual shoes – to set off an otherwise classic outfit
– my collection of 1930s- and 1940s-style pieces continues to grow, and I have to watch that I don’t dress too “vintage” at work
2 Cents
What’s Changed:
–Actually investing in real clothing (even if my budget is still really small) rather than buying something just because it’s cheap.
–Investing in good underpinnings because the girls need it.
–Embracing wearing more dresses rather than black pants + top every.single.day.
–Dressing “up” rather than dressing like the office intern (I’m in my 30s but had the realization that my mindset clothing-wise was still that of someone fresh out of college)
–Tried to buy/wear fewer blue things, since I realized my wardrobe was becoming really monochrome (and not fashionably so!)
What’s Stayed the Same:
–I have always mixed the metals with my jewelry–and don’t care. If I want to wear my yellow gold wedding rings with a silver bangle and platinum diamond studs (inherited), I will
–I’d rather be in sweatpants and socks no matter how comfy my work clothes are. And braless.
–Still wear (and love) blue.
Red Beagle
My changes:
As recently as last year I wore jeans to work 4 days out of 5. T-shirts and scarves, flat heels. Would let my hair go months between cuts and colors.
In 2014:
Skirts or dresses most days; mid-heel pointy toed pumps are the shoes of choice.
Lots of jackets; cardigans with dresses in the summer.
Several pairs of flats in see-through shoeboxes at work for walks to offs*te meetings or to lunch/errands.
In moderation for using s*te:
Standing appointments for cuts, colors, and waxes every few weeks.
Used to wear mostly black; still have several black pieces and mostly black shoes but have mixed in some animal print shoes (mostly reptile but on the hunt for leopard pony-skin pumps right now). Love pops of color like pistachio or Tiffany blue or pinks.
Still don’t wear makeup much but don’t go out with out my BB cream and my eyebrows groomed at least.
Stayed the same:
All kinds of scarves. Silk, cotton, square, whatever, tied in millions of ways.
All of my jewelry is one-of-a kind from a local art store or handmade by friends.
Some of my winter accessories are handmade. I knit now.
christineispink
This sounds fun. (I’m still pretty early on in my career (graduated law school in 2011) but have work-appropriate clothes that I bought in high school (and still wear!)).
What’s Changed:
– Wearing more sheath dresses and (mostly pencil) skirts (It’s always been easier for me to find pants that fit – opposite problem of most women – but wanted to wear a “woman’s office wear” rather than always wearing a version of a “man’s office/workwear uniform” – this is an idea I picked up on from one of the weekly roundups here I think).
– Wearing more (quantity) but smaller/more delicate jewelry (used to only wear 1 statement necklace – but then I guess I didn’t need any other pieces).
– Trying to buy and wear more (small) patterned tops/blouses (after 2-3 years of OOTD photos – before the days of blogging and instagram – I realized I ONLY EXCLUSIVELY own and wear solids and neutrals and I had no “accent” pieces).
– A lot more tailoring (instead of wearing clothes that kinda fit here but not there) and higher quality underthings (bras, slips, pantyhose, etc.)
– Definitely on the silver-to-gold jewelry train (just turned 29 this year – seems like a pattern with the other posters)
– Lower pumps and I even bought 3 pairs of work-appropriate (and not just-for-commuting) flats! (This seems age + running related for me though)
– Crazy nail colors now relegated to my toes (fingers went neutral 3 years ago) although I dabble with the accent nails (in another neutral)
What’s Stayed the Same:
– Classic silhouettes, shapes, and colors (black/grey/white/navy/pastel blue and pink, but oh, but I added Duke blue to wear to the alumni events I attend).
– I still mostly wear and own a million pairs of pointy black pumps
– Simple, well-made, well-cut clothing with a SMALL detail/twist (I copied/printed out the thread a few weeks ago about minimalist designers – Armani, Helmut Lang, Marlowe, etc.)
– Obsessed with pearls (still mostly good-looking fakes)
– Not-so-secret obsession with glitter (now mostly in my office supplies and not my jeans/tshirts/etc. haha)
Related to one of the things I am trying to change: If anyone has recommendations for brands that make blouses/dresses in small but interesting prints, that almost look like a solid color from down the hallway, please post! (FYI: Boden’s prints are too big and bold for me and I recently bought a sky blue and white abstract patterned sheer blouse from Joie that I adore)
ANP
I’ve had good luck at TJ Maxx for stuff like this (the print tops you speak of). Obviously YMMV on any given day, but it might be worth a shot.
christineispink
Ooh – this is a good suggestion. I bought the Joie blouse at Nordstrom Rack and like TJ Maxx for other stuff but find the clothing racks too messy to sort through. May be a good rainy afternoon activity. Thanks!
Duke 2011
We’re classmates! Have you looked at Equipment for blouses?
christineispink
Hi, fellow alum! Just took a peek at the Equipment site – LOVELY prints but I’m really not into the breast pockets (they definitely have another name that’s escaping me right now). But I’m pretty voluminous right about there and have really not been a fan of the silk utility blouse (is that what these are called?) trend for the past few years. I just want a nice clean flat front :) Although these pockets are pretty non-intrusive. I’ll have to take a closer look. Thanks for the suggestion!
Red Beagle
My changes:
As recently as last year I wore jeans to work 4 days out of 5. T-shirts and scarves, flat heels. Would let my hair go months between cuts and colors.
In 2014:
Skirts or dresses most days; mid-heel pointy toed pumps are the shoes of choice.
Lots of jackets; cardigans with dresses in the summer.
Several pairs of flats in see-through shoeboxes at work for walks to offsite meetings or to lunch/errands.
Standing appointments for cuts, colors, and waxes every few weeks.
Used to wear mostly black; still have several black pieces and mostly black shoes but have mixed in some animal print shoes (mostly reptile but on the hunt for leopard pony-skin pumps right now). Love pops of color like pistachio or Tiffany blue or pinks.
Still don’t wear makeup much but don’t go out with out my BB cream and my eyebrows groomed at least.
Stayed the same:
All kinds of scarves.
All of my jewelry is one-of-a kind from a local art store or handmade by friends.
Some of my winter accessories are handmade. I knit now.
ss
Interesting and enjoyable read, thanks for posting everyone !
What’s changed for me
: bolder dresses for summer-time professional wear (more colour, stronger prints, ‘interesting volume’) – this is definitely a function of greater professional accomplishment and confidence.
: more vintage dresses – I do love shopping even though my need for more stuff is pretty much nil. With vintage, I can indulge my enjoyment of the hunt while pulling the trigger when I hit the jackpot of great design, high-quality fabric and construction, great condition and the right size.
What’s not
: have been buying/ replacing much of my professional staples at the same handful of shops for years (suits, shoes, outerwear). I know it all works and requires no further thought on my part.
: vintage jewellery – a good friend used to be a dealer when I was in my 20s and was the beneficiary of my first ever big-ticket purchases. Haven’t looked back since.
ANP
What’s changed:
– I’ve simplified my wardrobe quite a bit. While I’m not wearing “investment” pieces quite yet, I’m enjoying the easy process of throwing on a great dress with an infinity scarf or statement necklace. This is instead of fussier outfits: trousers, top, tank layered underneath, cardigan, necklace, blah blah blah.
– Flats. Love ’em. Still rock my heels, but understand the value of a great flat shoe.
– I wait for something I love, then buy it — for example, a watch I know I’ll wear for awhile or a terrific purse. I bought an awesome Kate Spade hobo (medium-sized) in a neutral pebble leather 4+ years ago and still use it all the time.
What’s stayed the same:
– Color! I love it, and I don’t think this will ever change.
– Except for 1-2 short flings with long/er hair, I’ve had essentially the same bob haircut since high school (I’m now in my 30’s).
– Big jewelry – I’ve learned to balance a statement necklace with studs (vs. big earrings AND a big necklace) but I still love the “pow” you get from an awesome accessory.
hijkmnop
I’ll totally play; this is a fun topic!
Changes:
After years of defaulting to all-black outfits, I’ve been incorporating more bright colors, and I love them!
Suddenly I like wearing pearls.
I’ve accepted the fact that I am just not a pants person.
I get manicures once in a while and have started getting into makeup.
Constants:
Although there was one year where I was getting regular haircuts, I guess I’m just too lazy or indecisive to commit to 4x/year. I admire the person who said they have standing appointments at the hairstylist–you are aspirational me!
I still buy shoes for my imaginary fantasy lives (but I’ve cut way back on the clothes!).
I still can’t handle animal prints, although I admit having been tempted over the past year by some cute leopard flats…
Medic Maggie
I will back up a bit in story because my metamorphosis has been several years in the making. It began in 2011 when I started losing weight. In total, I have lost more than 50 pounds, which represents more than a quarter of my starting weight. I’ve dropped from a 10/12 to a 0/2. So, major major changes:
I wear skinny jeans
I own scarves as accessories and love them to bits. I probably wear one or more a week.
I am seeking out dresses, after a time when I wouldn’t venture out of jeans chinos or trousers for as many occasions as humanly possible. Likewise, I’m buying skirts too. I am working on wearing them more often, but it is about once every other week or so.
I want heels. Not big ones, but just a little extra for a 5′-2″ frame.
I bought (and wear nearly daily in winter and fall) tall boots and want more.
My wardrobe used to be filled with browns and blues and now it is a bright mix of bold pinks, purples and jewel tones. And browns and blues!
The same:
I still feel most comfortable in jeans
I will never stop wearing my keens
I went back to a hairstyle that was flattering when I weighed this much in college when my BFF thought I was anorexic. It is, I think, even more flattering now that I have aged and treat my hair as an accessory too
I broke down and got glasses and I love them.
Anywears?
Does anyone have any experience with these?
http://www.anywears.com/shop/style.php?category=32651&style_id=EXACT&color_id=BLK&identifier_id=
Red Beagle
Not at all but I love the patterns. They look like a great idea for medical or chef professionals, especially if they are light and comfy.
Anon In-House
My family found out two weeks ago that my dad moved out/is separated from my step-mom. Over the weekend he told us that today he was going to file for divorce. I haven’t heard anything from him this week so far as I know it was supposed to happen today.
Would you reach out today or wait until the weekend? I’m close with my dad but never liked my step-mom. They’ve been married almost 10 years–she’s much younger and they got engaged within weeks of when my mom filed for divorce. My sister was in town over Labor Day weekend and we all got to hang out a lot and he seems kind of relieved to be moving on. I’m just not sure how to play it…text? Call? Wait to hear from him?
Ellen
Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and am sorry to be p’osteing so late! I had a VERY long day in court and the judge made fun of the two or 3 typo’s in my breif. He said that I needed to proof read better, and that mabye that Mason should help. It was HIM that made it bad and I had to cleane it up at the LAST Minute! FOOEY on Mason. Now the judge think’s I am just another dumb blond. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c I have a reputeation to uphold as a Partner and Mason should not have been so sloppy!
So I told the manageing partner about it and he said he will talk to the judge the next time they have lunch next week. It’s a good thing that they are freind’s, but I wonder why the judge was pickeing on me — or mabye that is his way to be funny? Everyone was laugheing but me. FOOEY!
As for the OP, yes, call Dad and be freindly. After all, the Step Mom is not your mom, but your dad IS your dad. He had his fling (acueally Marrage) with her, and now he’s had enough. Mabye he will find someone new, mabye not, but you will alway’s be his daughter, so be nice now that he will not have a wife to go home to.
BTW, the manageing partner’s brother is takeing me again SUNDAY to the US OPEN — he said there will be a final’s match, but I have no idea who is playeing. He has very good ticket’s and the manageing partner told me to go b/c mabye I can meet peeople that will give me case’s. Where we are sitting are alot of celebretie’s and other’s where they could give us busness. I saw Blumberg and Ana Wintur, and did NOT even need the manageing partner’s brother to show me. He also just think’s I am a dumb blond, but I showed him those two b/f he could claim that he showed me. FOOEY on him. I will NOT eat alot on Sunday b/c I have put back 5 pound’s since July 1. I was suposed to loose wieght, but look what hapened with him makeing me eat all that food at the US OPEN. It’s all in my tuchus again I think. Dad will NOT be pleased when I next go home for my wiegh-in. I think he know’s that I loaned Myrna my fitbit b/c my stat’s were much bigger, but so was my TUCHUS. But I will not tell and niether will Myrna. Anyway,
Anon
I’d call. Esp. since you’re close to him.
Anonymous
A colleague’s mother died but I heard from others we work with and not directly from her. When she returns to the office, do I say “I’m sorry for your loss”? I am sorry and I want to express my condolences but I don’t want to put her on the spot and make her feel awkward.
badabing
Please acknowledge her loss. When I was in your colleague’s situation a few years ago it meant a lot to me when people said something to me. (For an advanced move, add “It’s good to have you back”.)
Carrie
+1
It is much more awkward for you then it is for her. Rise to the challenge, and she will never forget your act of kindness.
As most will not address it, and even worse… may avoid her a little until they forget about it themselves.
anon
For every person who wishes you would acknowledge the loss, there will be another who wishes you would leave her grief out of the office. There is no way for you to ever know but either way, if you do what is sincerely in your heart you won’t go wrong.
Grieving
Late to the party, but my mother died recently and although condolences can be emotional for me, it means a lot that people aknowledge my loss. I cannot imagine anything worse than people ignoring it altogether.
Side note: there were MANY people that heard the news second hand as we just didn’t have the energy to tell every.single.person.
anon
Hive, over the past 2-3 years I have realized that I don’t have good eating habits. I eat healthy foods, but the quantity and timing are all wrong. I lost a significant amount of weight many years ago and much of it has come back as my metabolism has slowed (I’ve checked my old food journals, and I’m eating very similarly to when I was losing weight). Part of it is that I honestly have a hard time discerning when I’m actually hungry compared with when I think it’s time to eat (like breakfast), and part of it is that my blood sugar is sensitive so that if I go too long without eating, even if I don’t feel hungry, I have a hard time focusing and end up making bad choices just to get my blood sugar back to even (like eating all of my lunch in one sitting because I forgot to 2 hours earlier, when I do better having several snacks over the course of a few hours). I exercise regularly (strength and cardio), but the food issues are really frustrating and I don’t want to ignore this and have a much bigger amount to lose in another few years.
I recognize that I probably need some professional help with this – but who is the right specialist to help me here? Nutritionist? Therapist who specializes in food? Someone else? FWIW, I brought this up with my primary doc who agreed that my weight was creeping up but didn’t offer much in the way of concrete solutions. And if anyone has recommendations for specialists in the DC area, hit me!
Anonymous
Weight watchers. Also did your doctor tell you that you have special blood sugar needs? If not you probably don’t, and it’s highly unlikely you’re actually eating now what you did back when you were focused and logging.
If writing down everything you are worked then, id do that first. And if three months of actually following WW doesn’t work then try something else.
Red Beagle
Nutritionist but also +1 Weight Watchers. There is a lot more science to their program than there ever was and the issues you have (eating by the clock rather than by your body’s hunger cues) and low blood sugar are issues that WW has helped me with. What I’ve found really helps keep me accountable is doing the program with a buddy, my DH.
roses
I only have advice with regard to the making unhealthy food choices when your blood sugar is low, because I have the same problem – having little focus and generally feeling very unwell all of a sudden when it drops. The logical solution for a lot of people is to keep “healthy” snacks in your office for when it happens, but I find that having food around also makes me mindlessly eat. Instead, I keep microwavable oatmeal in my office. That way, I can’t mindlessly eat it, but I have a quick and relatively healthy snack on hand that can get my blood sugar up fast.
Anon
Eating all of your lunch in one sitting isn’t a bad choice! If you usually eat something as a mid-morning snack and then skip it and eat it with what you planned to eat for lunch instead, I don’t see a problem.
Bonnie
Setting meal times should help. Also try drinking a glass of water and then waiting 15 minutes before eating. I tend to eat healthier when I pack snacks instead of full meals e.g.: Greek yogurt, hard boiled egg, laughing cow cheese wedge, several types of cut fruit, several types of cut veggies and an individual sized hummus. I aim for about 600 calories and then snack on the items during the day. I’ll have a regular dinner at night. It’s definitely harder when the metabolism slows down.
Wildkitten
If you find a nutritionist who is helpful please report back. That’s on my “to do” list.
Glade PlugIn Rant
Why in god’s name would someone plug in one of these in an open area of cubes with about a dozen people w/in spitting distance? My head is pounding and all I can smell is some horrible faux flower scent. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from either. Totally inconsiderate of someone to do, or am I just grumpy today???
Sundae Funday
I love ’em for my house. 100% agree they are not office and especially not cube area appropriate!!
hoola hoopa
I’d be grumpy right along with you.
Everyone who works in an open concept office should have to sign some social contract of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.
Cb
Agreed. I can tolerate a lot (my colleague hangs his running clothes out the window) but those spray things make my chest hurt,
Emmabean
Amazing! (Although maybe he is doing a solid by airing them out rather than letting them sit?)
Baconpancakes
Super inappropriate. You can flat out ask them to remove it, and say “I’m sorry, but strong artificial scents like that give me a headache. Can you please remove it?”
Or just start a war. Patchoulli incense every day and kimchi/french fries/tuna sandwiches for lunch?
SF Anon
This made me laugh out loud. Can we be friends? Other weapons for an office stink war: hard-boiled eggs, microwave popcorn…and bacon (lovely as it might be with pancakes).
Erin
“stink war” – still laughing!! Love it
OP
I generally have a high tolerance, and would typically take the high road, but this is just so freaking ridiculous. Tuna it is on Monday!! Maybe a little container of garlic to just sit open on my desk for a couple of hours… and popcorn, definitely popcorn.
S in Chicago
If you’re out of stink, does it count if you still wander over and clip your nails?
PinkKeyboard
Totally inconsiderate. Stay late and search it out… then throw it away.
Jordan
But maybe they have the worst farts ever today and they are just trying to save you…
Mpls
I’ll take the farts over the fake smelling spray used to try to cover it any day.
anon2be
Hate Glade plug-ins, so I agree with your rant.
Devan
How tight it too tight for the office? I’m a recent college grad and would like to build my dress wardrobe, since they seem like such an easy piece. I love this dress: https://www.lysse.com/products/marais-dress.html because it’s so comfortable (it’s made of yoga-like material) and has shapewear built in which seems so convenient to just put on in the morning.. It seems like a frequent wear. However, I don’t want to push the limits and look out of place.. Does this one look too tight for everyday wear?
hoola hoopa
My initial reaction was “if you have to ask…” but after actually looking at the link I think that would be fine in most offices so long as you buy the appropriate size. I think the lining would prevent it from being too clingy.
As a side note, the neckline sees fine on the model, but it looks like it could be too low in real life. So watch for that when you try it on, too.
Anon
This dress is too tight for any office I’ve ever worked in (attorney, Big Law –> in-house).
L
Not in law, but even for my business casual office that is way too tight.
Devan
Ah yes, that was what I was thinking after trying it on. Thanks!
Orangerie
I agree, too tight. Sizing up would make it look weird.
West Coast Lawyer
Hard to say. I hate sites that won’t show the model just standing straight. Boden’s catalog is guilty of this, but at least on the web site they usually have a few other pictures of the model standing straight with arms down at her sides (and a side shot too). If the creasing I’m seeing is rushing I’m thinking it may read a bit tight for the office, but this may be one you have to try on to tell for sure.
AIMS
Probably, though I am sure this would work in some offices/jobs. Something like this is probably a better choice: http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Dresses/Day/WH717/Womens-Zoe-Dress.html?NavGroupID=4
Anonymous
If it needs built in shape wear and would be comfy for yoga, it’s probably a bad choice for a starting out wardrobe. Too close to the line.
Lady Tetra
That dress actually looks fine to me — though you have to see it on YOU to see if it’s too tight.
FBB
This is what I thought. I love it and think it totally depends on your body. If I worked with someone who looked like the model, I wouldn’t think twice about the dress (and I work in BigLaw). I would probably avoid it myself, because I am curvy and I would be uncomfortable (worried it was too va va voom for the office), but with a different body type, I would totally go for it.
Em
Seems too tight to me, but it depends on the cut, material and your own body. I’m bootylicious and therefore most jersey/stretchy dresses are not office appropriate on me. I’d also be concerned about whether a “yoga fabric” from a brand known for leggings would be too casual for the office.
Parfait
It’d be too tight for my comfort, but I’ve got a lot of va va in my voom. Your figure may vary.
I’d totally wear it for a date night though.
LH
Hard to say, because fit is such an individual thing but as it looks on the model, it would be fine in my (Big Law) office. Personally, when I wear something that fitted I like it to be a little more modest in both length and neckline but I don’t think it’s objectively inappropriate.
Meg Murry
Anything that I’ve ever bought with built in shapewear has lost the ability to function as shape wear long before the garment actually wears out – so I’d spend on a dress without it and then buy Spanx separately, as opposed to buying something with it built in.
Anon
Honestly, and it’s terrible to say, but it depends on your body. If you have a straight figure, probably no one will think twice because your silhouette isn’t going to change that much in a tight dress. If you have a lot of curves, that dress is going to hug them like nobody’s business and people will notice. Should it matter? No. But realistically, it kind of does.
Em
Why is that terrible to say? Imo, it’s no different from saying that someone with big b@@bs will has to dress differently than someone girls because there’s a lot greater risk of showing cleavage. Opinions vary on how much booty/curves is unprofessional, but I don’t think there’s an issue with acknowledging that this should be a consideration when choosing professional clothes for certain body types. I tend to err on the conservative side and rarely wear pants/dresses/skirts with a lot of stretch (jersey, some ponte) because with most cuts all you see is booty!
Wildkitten
It’s terrible to say because everyone’s body is equally valid and a person’s own body should never be considered “unprofessional.” You are correct though that as long as society is policing women’s bodies by declaring curves unprofessional, it is something that women have to take into consideration when picking their clothes and their battles.
Em
I didn’t intend to state that anyone’s body or body type is unprofessional, but that certain ways of dressing certain body types can be. After rereading my post, I see that there’s a sentence that implies otherwise when it was intended to convey that opinions vary on how much booty/curves can be shown in a professional setting, ie how tight is too tight on a curvy body. I don’t see how this is controversial when most people would agree that there are certain tops that women with smaller “girls” can wear and still be professional that would look unprofessional on women with larger girls (because it would show too much cleavage). I’m not saying that curves should be completely hidden, but acknowledging that “fit” is a component of professional attire and that your body shape can affect the fit of certain cuts/materials.
Baconpancakes
From the photos of the rear, it actually doesn’t look that tight. It’s just the ruching and the pose of the first model that makes it look tight instead of body-skimming.
ac
Too tight/body conscious for my workplace.
That being said, it strikes me as something I probably would have worn 10 years ago as a summer associate in a big law firm because “everything important is covered!” … cringe-worthy.
Devan
This is exactly why I asked! I feel like I am already regretting things I wore a year ago thinking they were “professional,” and one of the reasons I’m having such a difficult time stocking dresses in my wardrobe.
ABC
I would definitely wear that dress in my NYC law firm, especially with tights in the winter. Agreed with others that sizing and body type are important though.
Thanks for posting – I actually think that I am going to buy it!
Monday
First world problem if ever there was one…. Is anyone else missing their September issues? According to customer service online today was the latest they should have arrived. I’m missing Vogue, Elle and W.
Muppet
Got my Vogue about 3-4 days ago. So you may need to call…
Miss Behaved
Oddly enough, I just got an email saying “Thank you for your Vogue subscription…” I didn’t subscribe. It says I owe $14.99
Em
I’m looking for suggestions for a good travel purse for an upcoming trip to Paris. I want something light enough to schlep my stuff around a city all day, but refined enough to take to dinner. I like the styling of MZ Wallace bags but imo $300+ is way too much for a nylon bag. On the other hand, cheaper nylon bags (Baggallini, etc.) look too casual. I’m also open to a leather bag, but it has to be light! I have several Le Pliage bags, but I’m looking for something with a little more structure and (ideally) a cross body strap. Any suggestions for nylon brands or specific handbags?
oil in houston
the Marc Jacobs cross body bags are quite good?
TO Lawyer
+1 – they are expensive but I cheaped out on my last trip and really wished I had one – they’re the perfect size! (I’m thinking of the Nylon Natasha)
anon a mouse
MZ Wallace are very sturdy bags and all the pockets make them great for traveling. They go on sale online a few times a year, but you can also usually find them on ebay new or only slightly used.
Gail the Goldfish
Tumi. They’re not cheap, but they’re great. I don’t have any recommendations for any particular style (though I have one very similar to the Lugano Messenger that I really like for travel). Maybe check their outlets for deals.
AIMS
How big does it need to be and how much do you want to spend? Bric’s makes nylon bags and they’re often on sale; the MbMJ cross body nylon bags are around $200 full price, less on sale; you can find cute little Vince Camuto nylon purses for well under $100; this fossil bag is $132, structured and looks very light, but it is on the small side:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/fossil-small-preston-nylon-crossbody-bag/3848003?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=fossil_'small_preston'_nylon_crossbody_bag:848290&cm_pla=bags:women:handbag&cm_ven=Linkshare&siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-DK_pIUPgdWhJ1P3_CPxQ9w
Bonnie
This is my travel bag: http://m.rei.com/product/875828/overland-equipment-auburn-shoulder-bag-womens
Sturdy and comfortable.
Killer Kitten Heels
So I know I’m a bit of an MZWallace-evangelist, but seriously, their bags are 100% worth it. It’s nylon, sure, but it really doesn’t “read” as nylon in person – the fabric is really heavy and nice-looking. Plus, I’ve been lugging the Kate (in black) around nearly-daily for a year, and it looks as good as the day I first got it, which is a minor miracle considering the things I’ve put it through. It basically never loses its shape (even when mostly empty) and all of the zippered pockets are a massive plus – it makes it really easy to keep track of everything when all my smaller stuff is in assigned pockets rather than just thrown into the black hole that is usually my bag.
Anon
+1 best bag ever.
Em
Thanks Everyone! I still haven’t decided if I’m ready to splurge on MZW, but you’ve given me a lot of great suggestions!
Nubia
May I suggest looking at H&M’s options? I traveled to Paris with a large cross body bag from H&M and it was a great fit. It looked nice and formal enough for restaurants (black “leather” and gold accents), but it was big enough to store water, snacks, and a camera during the day; not heavy on my shoulders either. Plus you can get one with removable straps and it looks perfect for dinner. They’re under $50 and they last a long time!
oil in houston
hello,
I am considering buying my very first house, and would like to make sure I capture all the costs associated with it so I’m realistic with how much we can afford. On top of all the mortgage fees, do I need to plan for realtor fees? Also, what are the costs I need to plan for every year? I have property tax and home insurance – anything else?
thanks for your help!
a.k.
Routine maintenance – a ballpark estimate is 1% of the purchase price, annually. You might up that to 1.5 or 2% for an older house. Some years you’ll spend more, and some less. If the property has trees you’ll want to set aside funds for tree trimming every few years (expensive!).
As far as moving in, decorating and setting up house can be surprisingly expensive, if you want new furniture, rugs, curtains, etc. for some or all of the rooms.
Nonny
Yes re the maintenance – but budget even more than that for your first year or so, because inevitably the previous homeowner won’t have done certain things that need to get done right away (ask me how I know).
Meg Murry
Yup, definitely had to replace HVAC system and hot water heater when were deemed not safe to turn on by the gas company the day we moved in. We knew they were old and on their last legs, but we thought we might get one more year out of them.
Meg Murry
Homeowners association fees, check to see if utility rates are higher in the area you are looking to buy, more square footage usually equals higher utility use and cost.
-Landscaping – will you hire someone to do it, or will you need to buy a lawnmower & gas? Will you spend money every year on plants, mulch etc and then on watering it?
-Maintenance on the house – everything will break eventually, and you’ll be on the hook for replacing it, from the roof to the dishwasher – heres an article on lifespans of stuff like that http://www.thisoldhouse.com/toh/m/article/0,,216991,00.html
-Increased commuting costs if you’re moving further from your office
Meg Murry
Oh, and don’t forget the cost of a home inspection -or two, if the results of one are bad enough to make you walk away from the sale. Been there, done that, $500 well spent to save us from the money pit we almost bought.
Bewitched
In NY, realtor fees are typically part of the purchase price (and are paid by the Seller, not the Buyer). We pay for trash pickup-that one surprised me, although in our city (upstate), it’s paid for as part of your taxes, not privately contracted.
mascot
Closing costs, it will vary with the lender but some of the online calculators can help you ballpark. The realtors’ commission is paid by the seller in most places. Ask your agent though and make sure. For yearly costs, homeowners dues, subscription services if not included in your taxes (garbage, fire, etc.), pest control, flood insurance, alarm monitoring are a few that may apply.
Anon
Back when I bought my first house, I bought Buying a Home for Dummies. The $10 or whatever was worth it for peace of mind.
Hildegarde
The seller almost always pays realtor fees, so you don’t need to worry about that. Plan for how much it will cost to furnish the house. If it’s a condo or there’s an HOA don’t forget condo or HOA fees.
Also plan for landscaping/yard work. If you’ll pay someone to do this for you obviously there’s that cost, but even if you plan to do the work yourself don’t forget how much it will cost to buy the equipment you’ll need, depending on the size of your yard and what you’re doing to it. When my parents bought their house, which has a large yard, they bought so many rakes, snow shovels, gardening trowels, clippers of various sizes, gardening gloves, an electric hedge trimmer, lawnmower, etc., that the checkout cashier asked them if they had purchased a farm.
InfoGeek
Snow shovels & ice melt, if those are appropriate in your area. Somehow even worse to think about if it isn’t bad all the time in the winter.
For landscaping, you’ll want to think about weed control and fertilizer. Are you a ChemLawn type or a do-it-yourselfer?
Also for landscaping, if you’ll want to add seasonal color to your flower beds, that’s a recurring cost.
Termite inspection/protection and general pesticide (black widows are not your friends) is a big deal around here. That’s an annual recurring cost.
It’s also pretty normal to have your A/C and heating tuned up once a year and to change your filters somewhere between once a month and once a quarter.
Will you have an alarm system on the house? If so, monitoring is a monthly or yearly cost.
Remember your insurance and property tax may be added onto your house payment in monthly amounts.
oil in houston
those are fabulous tips, thanks ladies!
CKB
If you are moving from an apartment to a house, or a smaller house to a bigger house, you’ll also need to plan on an increase in utilities – more lights to have on, more space to heat/cool, farther for hot water to travel, etc.
Also budget moving expenses – fees for transferring or starting utilities accounts, cleaning your old place, moving supplies, maybe cleaning your new place, will you have to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights when you move? Will you have to pay for 2 places for a month or two? Takeout for the first few days before & after you move. And you will also need/want to buy things for your new place – anything from the big (furniture) to the little (organization bins). It all adds up. Ask me how I know – we moved last month. 25 more boxes to unpack!!
Oh, and also budget for any remodeling you may want to do in the new place. Many people at least paint before they move in. We’ve moved several times, and have gone from doing absolutely nothing before moving in right to a kitchen reno (2 houses ago) and a partial basement development (current house).
Anonymous
You may have to pay transfer taxes (in CA there’s a documentary transfer tax that sometimes be charged to the buyer – depends on the county). Inspections, if not provided by the seller, or if you want your own. We also had assorted lender fees – credit reports, notary fees, title insurance (!).
Any immediate repairs – tenting for termites, painting, new appliances, mechanical or structural issues.
Every day expenses – property taxes, homeowners insurance, utilities (gas, electric, water, garbage), regular maintenance (ie gardener, but you might do that yourself). HOA fees, possibly. Possibly a home warranty policy. Depending on where you are, additional insurance (earthquake, tornado if there is such a thing, or flood, if required by lender). Mortgage insurance, depending on how much you put down? Good point above about possible increased commuting costs.
Also budget for long term expenses – for example, our roof needs to be replaced in 7 years. It was apparently framed improperly, so will cost ~$20k. A new roof isn’t usually that much, but it’s good to figure out how long you have before you’ll need a new roof, hvac system, etc., so you can save for it over time.
CountC
You have gotten great tips so far! I would suggest you get recommendations from friends for a trusted agent. I also suggest you get recommendations for a local lender/loan officer from that agent. The loan officer will be able to put together a transaction estimate for you based on any house you are interested in, which will give you a good idea of what you need to bring to the table at closing. A good loan officer will look up actual taxes for specific properties, will know what, if any, the loan origination fees are, discuss buying points, PMI or MIP, settlement company fees, how much you can ask for in closing costs from the seller based on the loan program that works best for you, etc., and be able to give you a very good estimate. Of course the estimate changes based on which house you end up deciding to write on, but still. As people have mentioned, the fees for your agent come from the listing side; however, most brokerages charge a transaction fee which can range from $200 – $600 depending on where you are. That is the only real estate agent fee that should come from your pocket at closing.
Happy house hunting!!
Baconpancakes
LEVO League – has anyone heard of them? Supposedly a mentoring/career building network for women, but I’m always skeptical of organizations like that.
Along the same lines, does anyone know of any reputable women’s-only career building/mentoring organizations in the DC area focused on women just launching their careers instead of at C-class or similar levels?
Orangerie
I’ve heard of them and I think the whole operation is kind of a joke. The founder, Caroline, seems to like talking about how much they accomplish way more than actually accomplishing anything.
Baconpancakes
That was my initial reaction. Seems like a good idea, with the “mentorship” network, and the Q&A videos with powerful people, but 7/10 of the people listed seemed to be in media, and the articles about professional clothing were wayyyy off.
E
I’ve spent some time on their website and it’s not clear to me what they actually..do. It seems like a lot of fluff. I think they’re way more high profile than they actually should be because Carly Heitlinger/The College Prepster (a popular blogger) worked for them at one point.
Wildkitten
Women’s Information Network is great if she’s a pro-choice Democrat launching a career.
Anonymous
KAT! Come on! I am on a buying freeze here. I love these. WAhhhhhhh
CountC
Same. Here.
Brunette Elle Woods
Are there any upcoming Philadelphia meet ups planned? If not, would anyone be interested?
PinkKeyboard
Not that I know of, but I would be interested!
Denveranon
Has anyone here tried Wen cleaning conditioner? I’m thinking about giving it a try, and would like to hear some “real world” experiences. I have dry hair that gets really frizzy after washing. I generally like the shampoo and conditioner I use now, but I’d love to find something to de-fuzz my hair. My hairdresser says this is just the texture of my hair. In other words: get used to it.
Anon
Sorry no advice about Wen but I have dry hair which gets frizzy after washing. I used to Keratin Complex treatment but stopped a couple years back because I noticed lot of hair fall and I was kind of concerned about the chemicals used.
Now, I just apply a mixture of coconut oil, jojoba oil, olive oil, avocado oil (whatever oil I could find in Whole Foods market) the night before I wash my hair (I wash my hair alternate days). I use a aveeno shampoo and conditioner and leave the conditioner for a long time (apply the conditioner, then was my face, scrub my hands/legs etc). As soon as I get out of the shower, I apply Grapeseed Glossing Serum or Brazil Nut Define and No Frizz cream. Then I blow dry my hair. With this, I can do a non frizzy pony tail. If I need to leave my hair open, then I have to straighten it for like 15 – 20 mins which I do only on the weekends. I keep my hair shoulder length and chop it off if it grows any longer. I am at peace with my hair now. Sometimes I do feel I want to leave my hair open on weekdays but on the other hand I am happy that I can wear a decent pony tail and be presentable at work and not worry about frizz so much.
Mpls
You know, I was watching the infomerical a little the other day, and….all the benefits they were attributing to the Wen products seemed like could be equally attributable to just getting a blowout, which is what they were doing to A. Milano’s hair after putting all the Wen into it after her “shampoo” day. So, how am I to know what to attribute the affect to?
My hair texture is such that if I let it dry loose, on its own, without any guidance, it will look frizzy. If I pull it up in a bun and let it dry (which takes forever) it will actually look halfways decent and smooth. If I get a blow out (I’ve had one with no product whatsoever, and the stylist using those boar bristle brushes) it will looks pretty d@mn good. So, my hair will overcome the frizzy if I give it some direction while it’s drying.
Echo
Hi ladies! Happy weekend!
I’m about 2 1/2 years into my first real, long-term job after grad school. I’m currently job searching, and my first phone interview went splendidly. However, I’ve never left a position on my own volition before; do you have any advice for a smooth transition (hopefully)? Thanks!
Orangerie
1. Give two weeks notice, type this up in a letter which you will then sign & deliver to your manager/HR.
That’s it. It’s your current employer’s responsibility to ensure they have what they need before you leave. Just give them what they ask for (task list, projects you’re currently working on, etc etc).
V
I agree with orangerie. Check with your manager and colleagues about leaving an out of office up and changing your voicemail greeting on your last day to direct outsiders to the right person. I just made a transition and ji left them details on what i was doing where the electronic files were stored.
hoola hoopa
Remember to cash out stock options, vacation days, etc as applicable. And transfer the retirement funds, if applicable.
(former) preg 3L
And find out what it takes to be fully vested in your retirement savings, and consider working until that date.
Playing DressUP
And let your clients know, as needed, and keep those client contacts! They may prove in handy later…
The obvious is be professional, don’t burn bridges. The worst that happens is your current company fires you the day you resign, so be prepared.
ANP
Hi gang – I need good ideas for grab and go breakfasts that are healthy and filling. My morning routine is about to get CRAZY and it would be good if I didn’t have to sit and eat breakfast before leaving the house each day. I get full-on hAngry if I don’t eat breakfast and if I had time, I’d microwave some egg whites and add salsa with a little dash of cheese — lots of protein and low in calories.
I don’t really want to do smoothies, though I will if I have to. Definitely not opposed to make-ahead options, either. What easy/healthy breakfasts do you eat?
Anon
Smoothies (fruit, veg, protein) (I know you said not preferred)
Hardboiled eggs and chia pudding (eaten separately, of course)
Slice of quiche (eggs, ham or sausage, veg) with a side of fruit
Full-fat greek yogurt with whatever add-ins you like (fruit, nut butter, nuts, granola, etc)
Leftover chinese takeout :)
Anon
I have a friend who makes high-fiber muffins from scratch on the weekends and then eats those for breakfast throughout the week.
Sundae Funday
Lara bar or half a Lara bar. Or pre-made quiche type things with no crust. Basically egg whites, spinach and cheese baked at like 350 for 20 mins in oven in a Tin foil cupcake thing. You can make ahead for the whole week. I usually make 12 and freeze six for the next week. They are a south beach diet breakfast receipe in the original book.
Anon
Half a lara bar?
Good lord. That is like 1/6th of my breakfast calories.
Sundae Funday
Yeah I admit I should eat a larger breakfast but sometimes I am really just not hungry. The struggle is real
Blonde Lawyer
The Lara Alt ones have a lot more protein.
Sydney Bristow
Mini frittatas cooked in muffin cups are great for this. You can put whatever you want in them like chicken or veggies and just microwave them before you walk out the door.
Red Beagle
+1. Weight Watchers has a recipe for zucchini lemon ones that rock. That, a little whole grain toast (I love Dave’s killer bread in the thin-sliced Good Seed flavor), and maybe a piece of fruit should take you to lunch.
Anon
I like to make an egg bake/crustless quiche with whatever veggies, meat sometimes, and cheese always that I feel like. Sometimes I bake as little muffins, sometimes I just bake in a casserole dish and cut into squares. heat up and eat at work or quickly on the way out the door. Overnight oats are another option (google for instructions) if you can stand the texture. Also greek yogurt bowls with yummy toppings. I also do smoothies with protein powder and drink on the way to work. I also like to make homemade egg mcmuffins and heat up in the AM. Easy to eat on the go.
hoola hoopa
Instant oatmeal made with quick oats and mix ins of your choosing. Just add boiling water or water+microwave. Since it’s shelf stable, I keep a store of it at my office.
Anon
I eat the same break fast every day. I know not many people can handle it but I like my breakfast so much that I never felt bored eating it every single day. I eat 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1 table spoon of almond butter and 1 tea spoon of low sugar fruit jam/jelly. Then I drink low fat half cup milk with 1 big spoon of protein powder (garden of life vegan protein powder and I don’t add sugar). It roughly comes to 400 calories and will keep me going till 12:30 – 1:00 PM. As hoola hoopa said, I also keep Quaker instant oats in low sugar version of maple and brown sugar flavour and one box of protein powder at work. I will get milk from cafeteria for protein powder. I am doing this from last three years !!!
Brit
I’ll make up breakfast burritos on the weekend and freeze them, to be reheated at work. Scramble some eggs, mix it in a bowl with sausage and bacon and cheese, wrap them in the tortilla, wrap them in foil and throw them in the freezer. Then when I get to work, I heat them for about 2.5 minutes.
Anon
If you’re ok with making breakfast ahead of time, google recipes for overnight oatmeal. Awesome and can be made with greek yogurt for a ton of protein.
Sally
Thanks for the responses yesterday. I told my new boyfriend that I want to do other things with him than sex. (we’ve been going out for a month) but he pretty much just comes over with take out, we watch Netfix, and we have sex (which admittedly is great). I don’t want to ruin it but I am getting bored of staying in my apartment with him 3-4 nites a week. There’s more to a relationship I told him but he says he does not want to share me or lose his focus. I am concerned about this. Should I give him more time or ask for more space? We are both attorneys in DC which is stressful.
Parfait
“share you?” You asked to leave the house, not go to a swinger’s club. That gets my hackles up.
Orangerie
What the F does he mean by doesn’t want to share you?! That sounds absurdly possessive. You should be concerned.
TBH it sounds more like he wants a f*ck buddy than a girlfriend.
hoola hoopa
Yeah, I agree.
Either way, you’re not happy which is basically all you need to know. The right relationship isn’t this much work.
AnonLawMom
Yup. If this is how it is in month one I can only imagine how it would be after a few years. Sounds like you guys have very different ideas of an idea balance of staying in vs. going out. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Plus the sharing comment is a huge red flag.
Playing DressUP
To me, it sounds like maybe he already has a girlfriend and you’re the f-buddy?
editrix
He’s married.
LH
I don’t understand the comment about not wanting to share you. You said you want to go out on dates with him, right? It’s not like you’re asking him to go hang out with a large group of people. Do you guys ever hang out without having $ex? If not, I’m sorry to say this, but it sounds like he just wants a casual/physical relationship and if that’s not what you want, you should move on. If you do sometimes hang out without having $ex then it’s possible (giving him the benefit of the doubt) that he does want a relationship but is too tired to do anything other than hang out at home. It’s also possible he wants to be just friends who have a physical relationship. But either way, since you let him know that it’s important to you to do other things, if he won’t compromise by getting out of the house with you once in awhile, he sounds really selfish and probably isn’t worth wasting your time on.
Senior Attorney
Uh, he’s not your boyfriend and you haven’t been “going out.” You’ve been providing sex in exchange for takeout food. And this is the beginning of the relationship, when he is presumably on his best behavior.
I’d move on.
Anonymous
Yeah I almost said this when you first posted. You aren’t his girlfriend your his f buddy. And his response lets you know that he is doing it on purpose, it hasn’t just happened. Whatever his reason is for “not wanting to share you” I can assure you its not good. How did you meet? Did you ever go on dates?
Baconpancakes
Make arrangements to hang out with your friends, and ask him along. If he doesn’t want to come, you’ll still have fun. Make yourself unavailable for Netflix/LGPs, but available for other things, and if he doesn’t want to see you if he can’t bed you, you’ve got your answer.
anon
Honestly, it sounds like more of a friends with benefits/ casual s*x arrangement than dating. I’m sorry if that’s not what you were hoping the relationship was. I’d work to make sure you both have the same expectations for your time together. Does he just want someone he can hang out with, have s*x with? Or is he looking for a long term partner? Is he looking at you as a potential long term partner? What do you want- a partner or a s*x buddy? There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a more casual thing, but it’s going to be a problem if you’re not on the same page. I don’t think this is a question of him needing space or you both being stressed. It sounds like it might be a question of missed-matched expectations.
Also, what do you mean he doesn’t want to share you? With whom? The outside world? You say he doesn’t want to lose his focus- on what? To me, that sounds like he’s saying he doesn’t have time to focus on dating you.
It sucks, but it’s better to ask the hard questions now rather than realize when you’re more attached that this person doesn’t think he’s your boyfriend like you think he is.
Elizabeth
I agree. He is using you and getting his rocks off for the price of takeout! It doesnt get any cheesier. Here’s what I would do. First, when he comes over, tell him you have cramps and do nothing for him (not even a handjob). See if you can communicate as 2 persons, not just sex in bed. Then the next time tell him you will meet him at a museum because you want to see an exhibit. If he balks, it’s clear he is only interested in sexual gratification. Tell him to get a blow up doll because that’s how he’s treating you. You are far more than a receptacle for his smelly man-parts, no matter how well he performs in bed. Tending your lady garden makes no difference, as this is no more than a control thing for him no matter how pleasurable it may be for you. I think DTMFA may be in order.
Anon
I have learned from experience that a guy who always wants to hang out at home is probably seeing other people. I dated a guy for a while who all of a sudden decided he didn’t like going out to places anymore, just wanted to stay in. He said the same kinds of stuff and also blamed it on issues with depression. Turns out he had met someone new and was taking her out all over town, but didn’t want to break up with me (unless things didn’t go well with girl #2? I dunno). Anyway, I’d be super suspicious… unless FWB is all you’re after!
Anonymous
Are you Ellen? Srsly? He IS just UESNING you for sex.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m going to go ahead and quote Chris Rock here:
“If you’ve been dating a man for four months
And you haven’t met any of his friends
You are not his girlfriend.”
Anon
Your relationship is one month old. Not a year. It’s one month.
My husband started dating me when our age difference was more noticeable and didnt tell anyone about the relationship for over a month. He was a bit ashamed i guess. And yeah, it was basically a lot of sex and him buying me food. I wasn’t thrilled about it (hilariously I was most concerned re facebook status saying I was single). 6 years later we are married with a baby on the way. Very happy. Sex stopped at about 15 weeks of pregnancy but we are very happy.
I find people here are jerks about relationships. If you are happy or think you will be less happy without the relationship that’s reason enough to stay. And yes, you have a relationship and if you want to call him your boyfriend go ahead and never mind the haters.
SF in House
I didn’t know that the sneakers outside of athletic wear was in now until I saw it at Cap Hill Style this week. Really? I think I’ll sit this one out, just like I did with wedge sneakers. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kicks when doing something athletic, or even just sporty, but this brings back “Working Girl” memories.
Orangerie
I mean… I don’t think converse and vans have ever been out of style. Those are definitely not athletic wear.
Anon
Did any of you drink moderately while pregnant? If so how much and did you do so throughout your pregnancy?
Anon
Um, not pg, but “moderate” drinking is not recommended in any part of the world. I used to live in the UK, and friends would have an occasional, small glass of wine during the 2nd and 3rd tri, but moderate drinking (to me) is a lot more than that, and it’s one of those “why risk it” situations. Fetal alcohol syndrome is real, and really selfish, IMHO.
V250
There is no safe minimum for alcohol during pregnancy. I didn’t drink when I was pregnant. It’s not worth the risk. FAS is a nightmare.
lila
This is incredibly uninformed. Do you have any idea how much you’d need to drink to cause FAS? Whatever the reasons to not drink moderately, they have nothing to with FAS.
anon
Lila, this is incorrect- some women can cause their babies to develop FAS by consuming only small, small amounts of alcohol. FAS has more to do with the placenta and how effectively it is getting alcohol to your baby than the quantity of alcohol (although obviously if you drink enough, alcohol will inevitably pass into the baby’s bloodstream). So some women can binge drink every night and not give FAS to the baby while others give FAS to the baby with a few drinks. There is no way to know what kind of placenta you have until after the baby is born. This is why doctors do not encourage women to drink ANY alcohol while pregnant, because their is no way for a women to tell how much she is passing alcohol to her child before the baby is born. I would suggest to the OP that you read some medical research (e.g., the kind you have to pay for or can get through your library) to find out what the current thoughts on FAS determinants are rather than relying on ANY opinions on the internet – the consequences are just too potentially severe to rely on hearsay.
I’m only posting this because none of the other posters have responded with anything about the science of FAS. So for the OP, if you want to take the small risk that you have the kind of placenta that cannot effectively filter out small amounts of alcohol, that is your choice and you should be informed of the life-long consequences (child’s life, not yours) of that choice to your child. Just because a friend of a friend had a placenta that worked differently is no guarantee that yours will too! FWIW, I’m European, do scientific research for a living and did not touch a drop of alcohol once I found out that I was pregnant. But then I’m also trained as a statistician and understand the “black swan” effect!
lila
Can you point to any source that says actual FAS is caused by something other than chronic drinking while pregnant? FAS is extremely rare and its cause is well known. You won’t find a single example of it having been diagnosed in the children of a woman who has an occasional or even daily drink while pregnant. You might find other problems, however. That’s my point.
As I clearly said, there are all kinds of reasons not to drink alcohol while pregnant— cognitive and behavioral problems among them. But it’s alarmist and wrong to suggest to that someone who is inquiring about moderate drinking (which has a real definition and is not subjective) that FAS is the reason to make a different choice. There might be other reasons, and those should be examined carefully.
sequins
Do you? I do know that there is no standard “maximum” that can be applied to everyone. It’s not some massive amount for everyone (and for that matter, there is a HUGE variation in what people would term “moderate” drinking.) Moreover, the issue is not merely FAS, but also child development including motor function and IQ. Do a quick pubmed search- a huge variety of different developmental outcomes have been studied. Many of the studies continue to make conservative recommendations regarding alcohol intake as no “safe” level of intake has been established and results of studies have often been inconsistent.
I would strongly advise you to either read peer-reviewed scientific literature or talk to a trusted OB about this. The literature is complex and many popular literature books or blogs focus only on a few of the many studies on this topic.
V250
I’ve had a couple of drinks prior to finding out I was pregnant but once I knew I stopped. I’m in healthcare all my career and so has my mother and sisters. And we all have our horror stories involving FASD and FAS. If you want to look up the research go look up the motherisk we b s i t e from the Hospital for Sick Children and you can check it out. I like to drink socially, but I choose not to take that risk when I’m pregnant or breastfeeding.
Sally
I think you mean no safe “maximum.” There are many safe minimums, including zero.
ANP
I’ll play. I probably had some booze at the beginning of both of my pregnancies, since I didn’t take a test until I missed my period. I also had probably three glasses of wine total with each pregnancy, usually late in the second or earlier in the 3rd trimester. While I missed booze, I didn’t really crave it like I did sushi!
YMMV on this one. Not advocating one way or the other, just sharing my own experience. I found tonic water + lime to be a refreshing alcoholic drink alternative.
Anonymous
Way anon for this, but drank at the start (vacation in Hawaii, lots of wine and piña coladas) before I knew I was pregnant. Then drank moderately (half a glass of wine once a week, once every other week maybe), after or during the second semester. Also ate sushi, cold cuts, salad, soft cheese, etc. I think my daughter is brilliant – way smarter than her brothers, lol. But everyone’s risk tolerance varies. I also worked out (crossfit) through my entire pregnancy. You do what you feel comfortable with.
Wildkitten
http://www.slate.com/blogs/expecting_better/2013/08/19/expecting_better_a_new_blog_about_pregnancy_by_the_numbers.html
Ginny
I am pregnant with my first. Pre-pregnancy, I was never a big drinker (maybe three times in my life I had two drinks in a night, normally 1 to 4 drinks in a week, beer or wine). Now, I will have sips of my husband’s drink when I feel like it, maybe once or twice a week, and on perhaps three occasions I have had my own very small glass of wine. Fwiw, I am in the US. I did a bit of research pre-pregnancy, and my takeaway was that if your body is processing the alcohol at a rate such that you aren’t getting drunk, your baby isn’t going to be affected. And outside the US, women are more comfortable with moderate / social drinking while pregnant, and they don’t have higher rates of FAS or other alcohol complications that we puritanical Americans do. So I am comfortable with the risk. Similarly, I don’t feel bad about my morning coffee, which I have maybe four days a week. But I would encourage you to do a bit of poking around on your own and to figure out what level of risk you are comfortable assuming. (I read Expecting Better and found it to be very helpful at putting things in perspective.)
PinkKeyboard
I’ve never been pregnant (yay infertility treatments) but… I come from a family with a serious alcohol issues. My aunt did have a baby as a teenager that she hid up until 6-7 months and drank VERY VERY heavily. He has fas. Her other 2 children are fine. My cousins and their kids are all fine despite moderate drinking (which I am defining as 1 glass of something at a time). Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is very serious, but a few sips here and there have not, in my experience, damaged anyone’s children.
PinkKeyboard
Just to add, my cousin figured out she was 4 months pregnant (very irregular period) after a wine tasting tour. Her daughter is now 8 and very healthy and brilliant. Obviously not ideal or planned, but it all ended up okay.
Anonpreg
I didn’t drink at all during my first trimester, and after that had at most a small glass or two of wine per week. In weeks where I had two glasses, they were not on the same night.
My sister lives in a European country where pregnant women do not stop drinking at all. Unless the entire country is brain damaged (its not), I’m not going to clutch my pearls over the occasional drink.
Playing DressUP
I had 1 drink a trimester. The 3rd was the night I went into labor! I am not, nor ever have been, a big drinker, so when I say “1 drink” – I literally mean 1 moderate glass of wine, while at celebratory dinners with friends.
Make the best choice for you and your fetus and please, drink as little as possible. See your doctor if you need more guidelines. Just… don’t.
blaisy
Am I the only one who finds alcohol incredibly repugnant during pregnancy (taste/smell)? I am pregnant now and cannot even fathom wanting to drink.
Self-Conscious Junior
Does anyone else ever get self-conscious about how much work they are taking on in relation to their practice group? I know I’m meeting my hours and doing good work, but I somewhat get the feeling that I am not pulling my weight. It could just be me, though.
MollySolverson
Meeting your hours isn’t necessarily the whole picture. If you are at 2000 billable but all the other associates on your team are at 2400, yes you should be doing more. I would put some feelers out – are the other junior and midlevels working a lot more than you? If so, consider asking for more work. And don’t be afraid to talk numbers with the more senior people on your team. Sufficiently busy to them might mean 50 hours a week rather than 40 (or whatever you’re doing). The time to find this out is now, not during your review. All that being said, yes, if you are like most junior associates, you are probably freaking out a little over nothing. So confirm that the team does not require more of you, and if they don’t, relax and enjoy!
work
If you’re worrying about it, you’re probably doing fine. It’s the ones who don’t worry who are the most problematic.
So Anonymous
Did anyone here switch away from a biglaw firm after only 1-2 years? Thoughts on doing so? I actually like the work (niche area of litigation) and the people, but the lifestyle is killing me. We’re understaffed, so stress levels are insane. I only have a few hours a week to devote to my boyfriend and friends, and I haven’t seen my family (~1hr away) in over a month. This is a big deal for me, especially since I have family members with serious health problems who could frankly use a lot more of my time. My hobbies are falling by the wayside, and I’ve even had to cut back on exercising. This job is essentially consuming my life. At this point I’m completely debt-free with a decent amount saved up, so a salary cut is fine. Is it career suicide to leave a firm before the three-year mark? How does one even start looking for jobs as a very junior associate?
Sigh. Sorry for complaining. I really am grateful to have a job. It’s just somehow comforting to think that I might someday have more of a life.
LH
I definitely don’t think its career suicide to leave Big Law after a year or two. I know many who have done so. They’ve gone to smaller firms, in-house or to government. Leaving after less than one year looks a bit odd and may make employers wonder if it was entirely voluntary, but after that you should be fine. However, once you leave Big Law it can be hard to come back. Not impossible, but hard. I would only make this move if you’d be fine never working in Big Law again (it sounds to me like you would). One other thing you could consider is asking for an unpaid leave or a reduced schedule (if your firm does that) to help care for your family member. I wouldn’t do that if your life goal is to make partner at your firm, but if you’re thinking of leaving anyway it can be a less drastic first step. Similarly, start saying no to projects and telling people you don’t have time for things. Again, not the best thing to do if you want to make partner, but a perfectly fine thing to do to make the next six months to a year more tolerable.
Anonymous
This is my first comment. Have been lurking and loving this site for a long time.
TJ: If you had a special birthday coming up (30) and you had the day off of work, what would you do?
It’s been a while since I had a day off and so far have no other plans besides dinner with my husband.
I’m super excited though.
Wildkitten
Get your nails did. Get your hair did. Day drink while reading a book. Get a tattoo. Go to a spa. Eat lunch in a park. Sleep in. Have a housekeeper come while you are out.
AnonInfinity
I would give one million dollars to have a day off during the week so I could day drink while reading a book. One million and twelve dollars to do it in a park.
Samantha
Bike across the Golden Gate bridge and have a picnic on the other side!
mgolaw
Hope people don’t mind the late to the party thread jack. What are some embarrassing then but funny now things that happened in the office when you were a summer associate/baby lawyer?
I was grabbing something off our printer (which is in a little alcove) and must have been tired or not paying attention, because when I turned around, I ran into my supervising attorney. Literally. Like if I wasn’t holding a piece of paper, I’d be hugging the dude. I’m significantly shorter than him so my head kind of smacked into his chest. I squeaked, we kinda disentangled ourselves, and my face was bright red for the rest of the afternoon. The worst part was I was grabbing something off the printer that he had to sign. I’m really glad i was off the next few days.
(BG: I work in legal aid, and my supervising attorney’s a youngish guy who’s super nice, very smart, but a smidge awkward, so that didn’t help matters)
Your turn!
Shoe Emergency!
My husband has a pair of shoes but can’t find the exact same shoes online, so he’s thinking about getting a cobbler to replace the rubber sole of his shoes. Does anyone know how much that would probably cost? It’s $65 for a similar, new pair on Amazon, but if a cobbler would charge like $20 then that might be better.
Please help!
Bonus question: Anyone know of a good cobbler in the San Francisco Bay Area? Especially near San Jose?
Pesh
You said he can’t find them online, but did he check ebay? He might be able to find the same exact pair there, brand new. I’ve done this myself with a few pairs of shoes that I loved but were sold-out/not available in my size/etc. It’s a great resource for sold out or discontinued products, and I feel like would be better than replacing the soles long-term.
Anonymous
Hi ladies, I need some advice on conservative attire for my first job interview. I’m wearing a white camisole underneath my Brook’s Brothers shirt as advised. Isn’t it bad for my camisole to show through the shirt like this? Is this a big deal? (I don’t think I could leave the house like this. Wouldn’t a nude camisole look better?) Is it a better impression to not have my camisole show or to have that crisp white look?
Do you think I need a bigger shirt? This is a 6P and I thought it looked great until I paired a white camisole with it.
http://s16.postimg.org/4jzwzlcyd/DSC01177.jpg
http://s16.postimg.org/i26tbvp3p/DSC01179.jpg
Thank you in advance!
Bonnie
It’s fine but a nude cami would look better. Good luck!
Anonymous
Will definitely go with nude cami! Thank you!!