Weekend Open Thread

127 Comments

1. I went from having 0 friends getting divorced to 3 couples in the past week. 2 of them live across the country from me and I’m really only friends with 1 person in the couple. 1 of them said she felt awkward telling me because it was the first time we’d seen each other in person and it was at my bridal shower. It wasn’t awkward for me, I just feel terrible that she is going through it all. I’m doing my best to support her long distance.

   However, one of the couples lives very close to me and we get together with a group of friends fairly often and I consider myself to be equal friends with each of them. I suppose the answer is to just keep doing things with each of them individually and make it clear that I want to remain close with both of them. Has anyone been through this and can offer me some advice?

   1. I’m the divorcee in one of these situations. I explained to our group friends that they were welcome to continue being friends with both of us and that it wouldn’t offend me if they did, but that I’d prefer not to be at social events with the ex for a while (other than big ones like weddings). Most of them hang out with us separately and a few have dropped both of us from what I can tell.

      1. I’m hoping this is how it will work out. The wife told me a few days ago and just said she wouldn’t be at any more of our group hangouts. I’ll try to get together with her separately.

   2. I’m so sorry your friends are going through this. This has definitely happened to me. I’ve had four friends get divorced. In three of the cases, I was always only close with the woman, so the guy faded out and I never saw him again (and in two cases, the guys were total jerks and I think my friends were better off without him!).

      But in one case, I was very close with both of them. I actually met the guy first and he introduced me to her when they were still dating, and then she and I also became friends. I went to their wedding, vacationed with them, watched their dog, etc.

      When they told me (separately) that they were getting divorced, I did exactly what you said above, Sydney Bristow. I told them that their friendships were both very important to me and that I wanted them both to remain in my life (I think there’s a fear when people get divorced that they’re viewed as a unit and once the unit dissolves, people will stop inviting them places).

      Then I continued to see them each individually. I never mentioned the other one to his/her ex. I must say that they were both very mature about it and never complained about the other to me or anything, but sometimes they just needed general support (learning to live alone for the first time, trying to fill weekends with activities, that kind of thing), so I just tried to plan things to keep them busy and distracted.

      It’s been a few years, and they’ve both moved on and now are at the point that they can be at the same gathering and have a friendly conversation.

      Good luck — you have the right idea and I’m sure you’ll be able to stay friends with both of them if you make the effort.

   3. Good advice from everyone, so I won’t add much. One, lucky you to be mainly friends with one of 2 of these couples, that really simplifies things for you. In that case, there’s little reason to pretend you’re friendlier with the other party than you already are. Don’t cut them off completely if you run into them, and you might issue a statement to both parties along the lines of “so sorry you’re feeling such pain, wish it had worked out better” (in case they make up later, so you’re not in trouble yourself). But you don’t have to bend over backwards to pretend you care about them equally, just try to remain superficially cordial with not-your-friend.

      For the couple where you’re friends with both, this is as you’ve perceived a diplomatic situation fraught with pitfalls. I’d simply caution you about one thing: make sure there isn’t an underlying issue of domestic violence. If there was, trying to support both would come to helping injure the victim further.

2. I have and the best thing to do is just to commiserate without taking sides. It is difficult, but I’ve done it a few times in the last 5 years as 3 of my own law school couples have split.

   I have a similar dilemma I need advice on. I am a 5th year associate in Biglaw, and have been seeing a junior partner who is only 3 years older than me who is in the final stages of divorce. We have had a kind of “mating dance” over the course of the last year, and I do work for him, and we have been intimate for about 3 months now — I thought exclusively. He said he was ready to settle down with a smart beautiful woman (meaning me), knowing that I had had it with all of the players I met in college and then out in the legal profession. \

   So now that we have been sleeping together, I was shocked when I went into the pantry about 730 pm yesterday evening to get a soda and found him with a first year associate. She was sitting up on the counter and he was in front of her, but I could see clearly that her panties were down at her knees. I pretended not to notice and went to the refrigerator and left quickly. Now I know that I have been used, and that he is probably doing it with her and maybe others too, all while pretending that we are exclusive.

   Thank God I caught this early, but I don’t know how / whether to confront him. We were supposed to go to the football game Sunday, but we haven’t spoke all day. I do not know what to do. I did not sleep all night and think that if I make an issue of it my professional standing here could be ruined. On the other hand, I cannot ignore what I saw, and while I do not know what else they might have done together, my imagination has gone wild.

   Has any one else faced a similar situation, and what should I do? TIA.

   1. oh god. that sucks. honestly there isn’t much more to say than that. I mean its safe to say that if that is what they are doing in the breakroom, that they are doing a lot more outside of work. God that just is awful. I really dont know what my advice is. I guess I would give yourself time to cool off. Certainly dont go to the football game on Sunday. I guess I dont know what you mean by “making an issue of it.” I would absolutely never see him again, give myself time and space, and try to be civil (but frosty) at work.

      1. Stop. Not to be a devil’s advocat, but I would not jump to the conclusion that the young associate and the partner were having sex, or that they have ever had sex in the past. All I read here is that HER panties were down to her knees when the OP came in for a drink. HE appeared to be fully clothed (with HIS pants up). Otherwise, the OP would surely have told us so. As a result, for all any of us know, this could just have been a moment of indiscretion under which the young female associate was sitting in the room, on the counter, and when the man came in for a soda, she could well have lured the man into coming closer by her mens rea in pulling down her panties. I admit the man cannot be blameless for coming close, but we should await the full facts before jumping to conclusions.

         Don’t get me wrong; I do feel for the OP, as she has given of herself sexually to this man for months, and she surely deserves better than to find him in close proximity to a young (presumably cute) associate in a compromising position without so much as an explanation. There could be a reasonable one, so let’s not hang this guy by his nuts, just yet.

         1. Yeah, no. I see no reason to give him the benefit of any doubt. That behavior is so far over any line, that to assume he is any way innocent or manipulated is just willfull ignorance, I think. I would stop speaking to him, if he makes contact regarding the football game, say “Huh. Well, I wasn’t aware that you’re dating other people, and that is obviously not ok with me. As you can imagine, I think very little of you… so whatever we had together is over.”

         2. Thank you all for your advice. Yes, it is true that I did not see anything more, but the events that followed make me all but sure that there is more between them.

            I did not speak with him, except to tell him on Friday that I was not feeling too well and did not think I would be up for sitting outside in 32 degree weather watching football. Thank god I did that because it is raw out there to day.

            I did learn from my assistant that he had her ask the associate to accompany him, and she agreed. While it could be that he did not want the extra ticket to go to waste, my instinct tells me that this was more than a chance encounter for him in the pantry, since she does not work on our floor and does not work in our corporate group. My assistant also gave me a sympathetic look, since she knows I had been spending most weekends at his place since the summer.

            So I will move on, though I know it will be difficult to ignore this, especially if the associate starts visiting our floor more often, as I suspect she will. My task will be to find a decent man, not a guy who is looking for solace with cute and unsuspecting associates. My mom says my best chance is to never date within the firm again, and I intend to follow her advice. Thanks again to all.

         3. “As a result, for all any of us know, this could just have been a moment of indiscretion under which the young female associate was sitting in the room, on the counter, and when the man came in for a soda, she could well have lured the man into coming closer by her mens rea in pulling down her panties”

            Right. that seems reasonable. I know as a young female associate I often liked to sit on the break room counter with my panties around my knees, rubbing my bare crotch on the communal property, as I know that this behavior is likely to lure wealthy, attractive older partners to me, and not likely to repulse them and get me fired.

            WTF.

            Gee, what’s more likely, that the still-married dude who is sleeping with his subordinate is sleeping with more than ONE, or that a woman with apparent voyeuristic tendencies lay in wait in the breakroom like a spider waiting for prey.

            Or that this is all fake.

   2. Walk away now, cut your losses, don’t say anything and keep your work relationship professional ONLY.

      Why confront him? What do you expect to get out of this? Is this truly the love of your life, and if so, do you feel that you are going to be able to trust this individual going forward? This person has made clear through their actions that they are not ‘ready to settle down’ and as such, I don’t think they’re worth your time. Just walk away.

      1. + 1

      2. +1

         Protect yourself by protecting your professional standing. There is nothing to be gained by talking with him about it. It sucks that you’ll have to just let that bad behavior slide, so to speak, but saying something could risk much bigger issues.

         This guy sounds like he’s on a collision course. Screwing an associate in the breakroom at 7:30!? That’s off-the-wall, risky behavior that you don’t want to get caught up in.

      3. +1 confrontation could not possibly get you anywhere. Clearly you have to dump this asshole. Find ways to deal with your pain, on your own time, but don’t mention any of it to him. Keep a professional stiff upper lip. If he hasn’t called, clearly he knows that getting busted was the death knell with you, you don’t need to know anything else.. Good luck! There are better fish in the sea, really, and you’ll find one, without having to become a poster child of why it’s better to separate work from personal life. (That said, don’t feel bad about it, I’ve been guilty of the same plenty of times, and so have millions of others.)

   3. Ouch. I’m sorry. That’s hard.
      I would not make any scenes. You have to work with him and he is in a position of some authority. If it was me, my pride would be really hurt (besides my feelings) and I probably wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how upset I was. I’d probably cancel plans for the game without much if any explanation (‘hey, no can do Sunday. Something came up. Later. ‘) and then just blow him off. And then first chance I got I’d try to have some really good looking and tall male friend come by the office to meet me for lunch/come to a holiday party/whatever. Maybe I’d send myself some flowers. F*ck that guy. Don’t let him have the satisfaction of knowing how this affected you.

      1. Plus a million to the f*ck that guy comment. He’s a scumbag and I’d hold my head high while moving on to greener pastures. Don’t feel bad for yourself. I’m guessing that soon people will know that his d*ck has been all over town and they’ll know he’s scummy too. There are GREAT guys out there and you will find one.

      2. AIMS is wise and speaks truth.

      3. I basically agree with AIMS. You don’t owe him anything, and the less of an explanation you give, the less he can damage you professionally. I would just stop seeing him on the personal side, while continuing to be totally professional at work. No scenes, no telling anyone at work.

         I would also thank your lucky stars (as it sounds like you’re doing) that you discovered what a complete as*hol* he is before your relationship went any further. I am really sorry you have to go through this, though. Ugh.

   4. You have my sympathies! No advice other than to end it and focus your attention on the job. Now might be the time to re-write your resume and network with friends, former co-workers and law-school buddies, just in case. If he retaliates, it would be time to get an employment law attorney. Hang in there.

   5. Ugh, sorry you’re dealing with this. I think it’s clear that you at least need to cut your losses; this guy sounds like a total sleaze. Call him when you’re both out of the office and say “I saw you with X the other night. I’ve made other plans for Sunday and I will not be seeing you socially anymore. I hope we can maintain a professional relationship at work.” And then follow through on all of that. How he handles things in the work environment will help you decide whether you need to take any further action on that front.

      1. This, except “I will expect to maintain a professional relationship at work.”

   6. In the kitchen?!

      Also, everything AIMS said.

      1. Right?

         Your takeaways from this situation should be:

         1) F–k that guy. Hold your head high, remain professional, cease social contact.

         2) Don’t eat anything that comes out of that kitchen.

         1. +100. Especially his weenie! Fooey!

            1. This wins the internet today.

            2. Hah!

            3. I would leave permanent teethmarks on his weenie as a reminder to all future women who pleasure him what a d***k he really is.

      2. Yes. In the kitchen at 7:30 in the evening?! I don’t know about other folks, but there’s still plenty of people in my office at 7:30pm. There’s no way that would go unnoticed.

         1. That part is so strange to me that it really makes me wonder if this is even real…

            1. +1

   7. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Just remember, you’re awesome and have nothing to be ashamed of. He’s a duplicitous $#&! Personally, I’d fantasize about becoming a partner the same week he gets the boot for having s– on a conference table right as an important meeting is about to start.

   8. Are you in a David E. Kelly show? I did not realize partners hooked up with multiple associates in the office in real life. Wow. In all seriousness, I’m sorry. He’s a total jerk. Jerk is not really the right word but I’m trying to avoid moderation. I agree with the other advice to stop seeing him but don’t throw a fit. Just act like you’re totally over it, move on and interact with him only in a professional way. And be ready to take appropriate action if he retaliates against you professionally.

      1. I hooked up with a partner in my office when I was an associate. It happens.

         1. Yeah, but hooking up *in the office breakroom* at a time when other people are reasonably likely to be around? When the partner in question is already involved with a different associate? I’ve never heard of anything like that.

      2. Agreed. And seconded. Pretty bizarre behavior, and I’ve been at more than one very “good ol boys” law firm.

   9. I don’t believe this is true. No one fucks an associate publicly at 7:30 pm.

      Also for future reference hooking up with married men is a great way to find men who don’t respect monogamy.

      1. the “ready to settle down” part did jump out at me. Like he has been settled down. He is still married.

      2. Harsh but true.

   10. (i) Get tested for STDs.

       (ii) Cancel your plans to go to the football game, and cut off all non-professional interaction with him. Don’t confront him (no matter how much you want to) – there’s too much potential for professional damage. Just cut him off. Trust me, he knows what he’s done.

3. I think whether you are able to remain friends with both of them depends a lot on them and their divorce. I was friends with one couple who separated but remained friendly and it was fairly easy to do the same . I have another friend who I have known forever and I was close to her husband and once the divorce got underway it became clear that being friendly with him was not going to be an option because all of a sudden he was the worst person on earth, his friends and family were all terrible people, and he should be banished to another part of the world never to be seen again. Anytime I tried to even say anything to my friend along the lines of ”but he does love the kids’ I received a speech about how he is just manipulative and will soon move on. It was bad. And the interesting thing is even though I harbor no bad feelings toward the guy, because of the way my friend became towards him he just assumed I hated him now too.
   Divorce is messy! You can try saying ‘I care about both of you and I don’t want to participate in bad mouthing the other person’ but ultimately it all comes down to how amicable or civil they are willing to be. My friend who thinks her ex husband is satan just stopped talking to me for a while because I sense that she just didn’t want to be around anyone who didn’t think she was absolutely right about how she viewed her ex. The fact that I didn’t think he was as bad drove a sort of invisible wedge for a bit. In a way it’s probably still there but I am trying to be understanding and I think she is trying to be as well.
   Good luck to you.

   1. Thanks for the advice. I think the process is just beginning so we’ll see how it goes.

4. Wondering if any Chicago-based ladies can help me think of a fun outing to do with my mom for her Christmas gift. She’s pretty easy to please; we’ve done musicals and tea or brunch in the past, but nothing on the Broadway in Chicago roster looks particularly appealing.

   She’s pretty not into anything that’s outside of the mainstream (avant-garde theater or postmodern art, for example), but she likes just about anything else, especially fancy coffee drinks, brunch, Asian food, and seafood or vegetable-based cuisine (my dad is a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, so she doesn’t get to eat it as much with him). She’d probably enjoy a spa, but I know nothing about the spa scene and am often horrified by the prices, so a reasonable spa would be a better bet.

   And on a related note, I’d love to think of something small and related to the outing to wrap so she has something fun to open.

   I live near Andersonville but can take her anywhere. Thanks!

   1. How about the lyric opera? Not sure if it’s her (or your) cup of tea but it’s a huge spectacle. The opera house is filled with gilt and marble, the sets are incredible and the singing awesome (accompanied by subtitles so you can follow the plot). It’s a great chance to dress up and feel like you’re doing something special and out of the ordinary. I think they’re playing Porgy and Bess right now but Tosca is coming up and I’ve heard great things about it.

      1. That’s a great idea! I’ve actually never done that, either.

         1. I actually went to Porgy & Bess with my mom last month at Lyric. It was a fun outing and interesting to see the operatic version. Also, Lyric does do one or two musicals a year. My mom and I saw Sound of Music there last year and it was great!

   2. The architecture boat tour was so interesting, and maybe you could get her a little wrap or something for her shoulders on the tour (depending on when you plan to take it) because it’s so windy on the river? Or a little book about Chicago architecture.

      1. I was going to suggest this, it is a pretty cool trip.

         1. We’ve done that, and it was incredible!

   3. What about an improv comedy show that’s not terribly silly or goofy? Baby Wants Candy (an improvised musical) and Improvised Shakespeare are two Chicago-based shows that come to mind.

   4. Have you done Blue Man Group? It’s been a hit with my friends as well as my parents’ friends.

      1. I went to Blue Man Group with my mom in Chicago and she loved it.

         What about a public art museum? Then you can have lunch in a cafe there.

   5. I’ve taken my mom to tea at the Drake. They have finger sandwiches and pastries and, of course, excellent tea. It was a big hit. You could always wrap up white gloves to give in preparation for the outing…

      1. Or afternoon tea at the Peninsula as well :)

         1. My brother and I took my mom to a cooking class at the Chopping Block last year which was really fun, if she’d be into that type of thing.

            The Spa Nordstrom on Michigan avenue is fantastic and, as far spas go, not that outrageous. There’s also an Aveda Salon and Spa at Block 37 on State St that doesn’t take tips as a company policy. It makes spa treatments a lot more affordable (and haircuts too for that matter).

         2. That is PERFECT. She’s never done high tea, and she would love it! I bought a variety of teas so she has something to open.

            Thanks so much, all!

5. Flying in a dress while brown: good/bad idea?

   I’m flying out of San Jose tomorrow and wondering just how idiosyncratic TSA is at Mineta airport. I don’t mind going through the body scanner, but I really would like to avoid a pat-down because of reasons. I’m told that wearing a dress makes a pat-down/other extra security bs more likely; can any of my fellow e-t-t-e-s tell me if this is the case? I really hate wearing pants, but if it means avoiding hassle I can deal.

   1. The thing that makes a pat-down more likely is when you have bunches of fabric. It shows up on the scanner as a lump that needs to be patted. This is true for any wadded fabric – I have a dress that has a tie in the back and whenever I forget to untie the tie before I go through, they pull me aside and pat the sash. So if you’re going to wear a tight jersey dress, it’s fine. If you wear a sari, it will be pat city. If you wear a dress with a full skirt, they may pat your skirt. If you are curious what the screen looks like, you can check it out after you pass through – it shows the suspicious lumps and they just touch the lump, unless you’re lumpy all over.

   2. I have never had a pat-down when wearing a dress, and I pretty much only wear A-line dresses. However, I’m white so normally have no problems with TSA to start with.

   3. Don’t wear Spanx/shapewear or tights under your dress. That and forgetting to take my hair out of a ponytail are my biggest triggers.

      1. +1 to not wearing shapewear, every time I have some under a dress, I get a pat down.

   4. I have TSA precheck (and always opted out before I got it) so I can’t say how likely you are to get a pat down, but I will say TSA at SJC is some of the nicest TSA I’ve encountered, and their staff is very diverse (for whatever that’s worth).

   5. I am white and have had them pat down my hair if it’s in a bun. I’ve heard that happens A LOT with Black hair. FYI.

      1. I’m Black and my hair always gets patted down when it’s in a bun.

         1. I’m white and same for me. They don’t like buns or thick ponytails.

      2. I have had my hair checked when in a bun at Paris CDG. Other than this never had issues when my hair is down.

   6. Um…ladies…the machine doesn’t read color. It reads blocks of dense material that deflect the scanner’s image. If little yellow blocks show up on that screen, you are getting a pat down. I have a pair of jeans with little studs on the pockets, and when I space out and wear those by accident, I get my rear end patted down. That would happen no matter what color I happened to be.

      I have a few “TSA Safe Outfits” that I have taken through security a few times that I know won’t get tagged.

      If you really, truly can’t be patted down for any reason, I’d suggest you not fly. Nature of the beast and all that.

      1. The OP wasn’t talking about what the machine would read–she was talking about differential treatment. Your comment about pat downs and suggestions just not to fly was pretty insensitive!

         1. +1 downright clueless actually..

            1. +1, lame comment

      2. The system that *randomly* flags people is actually an age/sex/race/nationality algorithm, so while you can get flagged if the machine reads something odd, you can get flagged before you even step in the airport.

      3. Oh right. And the only reason people get patted down is because of the machine. NEVER because racists.

   7. Leggings and a tank top if you don’t want to be touched is a super safe bet. I get flagged frequently because of my citizenship and they just sort of look at me because my outfit can’t hide anything.

      1. I usually do leggings and a tunic and often opt out of the scanner for various reasons. The pat down is not too bad in that outfit if you do end up having to have it.

6. My office has never required staff (assistants/paralegals) to be a notary or JP because we always had a bunch in the building. However, as staffing has changed, we have hired several people that don’t have either and it is now becoming an issue where we need something notarized and there are no notaries around. The ones without the notary don’t want to get it. The office will pay any associated fees. The office may end up having to make it a job requirement. I’m trying to figure out what the issue is. Can you think of a reason someone would not want to be a notary? I know one person backed out of being a JP because your address goes in a public database and her husband is in law enforcement job and she doesn’t want her address public. That is a legit reason. Am I missing any other? My state only requires a few people to vouch for your integrity which other people in the office would do. It isn’t a crazy application process by any means. Is there any downside to being a notary? Is there a liability issue I’m missing? Is it just the record keeping requirement?

   1. Potential for fines from the state for not carrying out the duties properly? Fear of getting sued for malpractice (although E&O insurance coverage might be available to alleviate that pressure)? Can’t pass a background check?

   2. Well, by being a notary, you’re exposing yourself to substantial liability f you happen to make a mistake and are open to huge suits.

      You said your company covers the associated fees, but what about legal fees if they make a mistake that results in a major suit?

      I would say it is quite a burden to ask assistants to take on.

   3. Can you ask them? Talk to one privately and say you’re surprised but trying to understand where people are coming from and if the firm can do anything to make it a more attractive option.

   4. This sounds like the time my father-in-law told me he needed a will because otherwise when you die a judge takes all your property and gives it to whoever they want. Sort of true, but mostly not. My guess would be that there is some misinformation out there that is leading to this.

      1. Agreed. If their notary commission is related to work, then I don’t know why their home address (rather than work) would have to be in the database.

         Sounds like there’s some bad rumors going around. Also, it’s rare to have a legal assistant or paralegal in my state who is not a notary. (I’m not sure what a “JP” is.)

   5. I’ve been a notary for work. Here’s some of the issues.

      1) As mentioned, liability. However, you can get insurance or a bond to cover that. If your office is covering fees, they should cover that.

      2) You are a public official. That means if you only want to serve office needs, that may or may not be possible, depending on the state. In CA, if you look at the letter of the law, there are very few reasons you can refuse to perform notarization services. You literally are a the beck and call of the public. Also, your name goes on state websites, as you mentioned, and then gets picked up by EVERY SINGLE peoplefinder directory webcrawler website FOREVER. It’s awful. By statute, at least in CA, you are required to use your home address. Related to all of this are background checks with the FBI. Not all staff members might want a super-thorough background check if they already passed employment screening.

      3) It’s disruptive. Your staff generally have their own typical job to do. Having a client or partner say, “I NEED A NOTARY!!!!” whether it’s by appointment or just ad hoc can throw a serious wrench in your day and what you want to get done, especially if, say, a partner makes you notarize his loan documents for his refi, again and again and again.

      4) The training is horrid. Like you’ll never get those hours back, ever. It’s both boring and also full of niggly weird rules. Taking a long multiple choice test that you have to study for might not sound super-fun to your staff.

      5) You didn’t even mention this, but why doesn’t the higher-up staff (attorneys) get their notary certificate, if “bothering” staff to get something notarized is such a pain–remove the pain point!

   6. In addition to covering the costs of becoming a notary, has your firn offered increased compensation? If not, you’re asking them to take on extra responsibility for no gain.

   7. Why don’t you just become a notary? That way your office always has one on staff.

   8. To answer questions above:

      Some of the lawyers are notaries as well but in my state it is frowned upon to act as the witness to a signature that is being filed in your case. Part of the whole lawyers aren’t supposed to be witnesses thing. None of the notaries have ever been called in to testify to a signature but it just looks better coming from someone who isn’t the lawyer on the case.

      I’m not a decision maker in this firm. I’m just observing the kerfuffle. I could make suggestions though about how to resolve it. I agree it can be disruptive to be a notary which is why it would make more sense for each assistant to be one so that they are only witnessing their attorney’s stuff.

      JP is justice of the peace which in my state is the same as a notary except you can also sign subpoenas and marry people. I’m in the process of getting my JP.

      I don’t think there is any training here. You just get a book. I don’t believe there is a test either.

      The background check is one issue, though I would be a bit leery of someone concerned about having one.

   9. You’re also overlooking the practical difficulties of becoming a notary in the first place.

      In many jurisdictions, it’s far easier to get a concealed handgun permit than a notary license.

7. Rant…I posted before about expecting/hoping for a job offer today…today came and went, so I sent a polite follow up note, and the employer sent back a note that said they were sorry, they got backed up, and now are going out on holiday and won’t be in touch until after Jan 1.

   They said “We’ll definitely be in touch, but we can’t guarantee we’ll be offering you the position, but we’ll see what happens”.

   WTF.

   I know no job is a lock, but this one felt right, and they had said they would 100% let me know by today. Now I have to wait over 2 weeks to even find out if I’m still in the running.

   1. I’m sorry. This is very much how job-hunting goes sometimes. How frustrating. If this position falls through (which it sounds like it may), the way the process fell apart at the end may be telling you something about the organization.

   2. Not to be a downer, but I’d take this as a bit of a red flag – not about you, but about the organization. I ignored a lot hiccups in the hiring process like this at a company I briefly worked for, and when I finally started, I realized that all the little missteps along the way were symptomatic of some really serious management issues.

      The waiting game sucks, though. Sorry you have all this uncertainty hanging over you for the holidays, but hopefully you’ll get good news to start the new year!

      1. I think it’s very common for hiring to pause over the holidays, since so many folks are out of the office on different days. This also solves her problem of when to tell her boss.

      2. That’s true, and I had some of the same hiccups in my hiring process…and it WAS indicative of bigger dysfunction. The fun part about my job is that I get to try and help fix it, so it turned out ok.

      3. Sometimes it really is just dependent on other people signing off or getting a new contract finalized first. So especially over the holidays, I’d try not to read too much into it. The only thing that sounds sketchy is “we’ll see what happens”, but it sounds more like they didn’t want to make you what would amount to a verbal offer until everything was official.

   3. Disappointing, but fairly typical. I never expect to hear back from employers on the day they said they’d decide by. It hardly ever happens.

      Especially at this time of year, things take longer. Some muckety muck needs to sign off on it, only they left for Tierra Del Fuego for three weeks without doing so, and now everyone has to wait.

   4. My new job happened this way, so try not to stress too much. I was told “you’ll hear from us either way tomorrow,” but heard nothing for a week. And then was told they had offered to someone else. But the other candidate didn’t respond to the offer, and I got the offer the next week. There’s a plan for hiring, and there’s what really happens.

8. Has anyone spent time in Siem Reap? We have a day more scheduled there than I realized and I am not sure what else to do. We have a sunrise tour of Angkor Wat one day, a down day, and then a third day before leaving for an overnight flight. Any suggestions? Family of 4 (2 adults, 2 kids (10 and 12)).

   1. Angkor Wat is HUGE. You will probably want to spend a couple of days exploring the various ruins and temples. They are spread out over many miles and are architecturally diverse, with each one having unique stories and features. It gets very hot there in the afternoons. You may want to plan a morning tour as well as a sunset tour to beat the heat, and then spend your afternoons in Siem Reap relaxing and eating. It’s a nice, safe town to walk around. Have fun! Wish I were going back.

   2. The Night Market is fun. Take a tuk tuk to get there — nothing like riding through the city in a tuk tuk at night! There are lots of merchants and there’s a great bar way in the back (although that may be a non-starter with the kids in tow).

      Artisans Angkor is a great place to shop and also to see local artisans at work making all kinds of beautiful crafts. Plus they have the best souvenirs for the best prices in town. I bought a little sculpture there for half what they were selling the exact same thing for in the gift shop at my hotel.

      And yes, just walk around, enjoy the town and eat at an outdoor cafe. If you get lost just hail a tuk tuk and they will take you where you want to be.

      Oh, and beware: the temples, especially Angkor Wat, are Disneyland-on-Labor-Day crowded, especially on the weekends. Just be prepared for it and don’t let it be the bad surprise that ruins your experience. But you could definitely do multiple days at the temples for sure.

   3. Like Calico said, Anglor Wat is huge. You could easily spend 3 days there. One idea is to rent bikes in town and then bike either the big or small loop around the temples. This will take a full day, but it is well worth it. Another thing I did while in Siem Reap is take a motorbike tour. Basically, you get a quick 10 minute tutorial on how to ride a motorbike (it’s easy) and then you follow your guide on your motorbikes through the country and see a different side of Cambodia. I really recommend this if you are the least bit adventurous!

9. Anyone have recommendations for adults only all-inclusives in Cancun? We’re in the early stages of planning a trip this spring. We want something with a quieter, more romantic atmosphere and not a party, binge drinking type place. Are we crazy to go there in late March when everyone’s on spring break? Or will it be ok if we stay in the right resort? Our biggest priorities are beautiful beaches and good food. Good snorkeling would be a plus too, although if we have to choose, we’d rather have good beaches and food at our resort, because we can always take a snorkeling excursion. And a general question about all inclusives – is upgrading to the preferred or club level worth it? From my cursory research, it seems like the big perks are upgraded booze and access to some sort of preferred lounge. We’re not big drinkers and the lounge doesn’t seem worth the price difference (since we plan to spend most of our time outside or on a balcony – we plan to pay for an ocean view room), but I’m curious about people’s thoughts. Thanks in advance.

   1. So I haven’t stayed in Cancun, but I stayed with friends in Playa Del Carmen (not far down the road) and have friends who’ve stayed in Tulum (again, same area), and I think if you’re looking for something quieter, you may want to look in Tulum or Playa instead of Cancun proper. FWIW, the snorkeling in Playa Del Carmen was absolutely gorgeous, so I’d highly recommend it.

      With the preferred/club level thing, find out if it comes with a separate concierge – we stayed at a Fairmont (not in Mexico) on our honeymoon and did the upgrade, and the private lounge came with its own private concierge, which was really helpful – it made the check-in/check-out process much smoother, there was no wait to book things like tours or spa appointments, and the concierge did little “extras” for us like pre-check us in for our flight and print our boarding passes. It wouldn’tve ruined the vacation or anything to not have access to that service, but it was a really nice perk for comparatively little money. So if it comes with a separate concierge or similar, and it’s not prohibitively expensive, I’d say still worth it even if you won’t be taking advantage of the booze.

   2. Ohh I just got back from Excellence playa mujeres right near cancun- about 35 minutes from the airport. Its not crazy spring breakers but I would say there are “pool people” and “beach people.” pool people are bigger partiers and beach people are well, beach people and reading picture. I was in the upgraded club and did really like it for the private beach especially – it was always available and the people working there (drinks and watching your stuff, etc) were great. I feel like the upgraded booze wasn’t worth it for us because there is just tons of booze in general. If that’s where you are thinking let me know and I’ll give you some more details!

      1. Sun Palace is an adult-only all-inclusive that we absolutely loved. It’s one of the smaller resorts in the Palace chain but really elegant and intimate. If I remember correctly, every room has some kind of ocean view.The beach is nice but maybe a bit narrow (but you can always lay your towel by the nearby beach clubs if you want more room). We found a great snorkeling spot by Club Med, which is about a 10 min walk on the beach from the resort. When we were there, they were running a promotion where you get 1500 resort credit that can be used towards spas, excursions, etc. We didn’t upgrade because we didn’t really care about premium alcohol when we were mostly just sipping on some super fruity drinks. If you are going between May and September, book a tour snorkeling with whale sharks. It was such an amazing experience!

         1. I’ve stayed at the Playacar Palace (same chain as the Sun Palace but in Playa instead of Cancun) and it was wonderful. My brother-in-law and his wife stayed at Sun Palace and they loved it too.

      2. I’ll second this. We went twice and loved excellence. Beautiful and relaxing!

   3. We loved the Golden Parnassus. It’s a smaller resort and walking distance to a snorkeling company.

   4. So I’ve stayed at the Zoetry de la Bonita Riveria Maya, which is near Cancun. It’s sort of expensive, but really it’s amazing. It’s adults geared, as there are no child related activities, when I was there there were no children. It’s a small resort with gorgeous beaches and amazing food. The zoetry chain is known for their excellent food, wonderful customer service, and all around luxury experience. It really feels very intimate and extremely relaxing. I really can’t say enough good things about my trip, I’m actually heading to their resort in the Dominican Republic shortly.

   5. Sorry if I am too late but Royal Hideaway in Playa del Carmen was excellent. I went with a girlfriend though and we went at a non-busy time (early December) and got a great deal. It was awesome.

10. Hive – I would like to order a gift card for a friend in the Dominican Republic. Does anyone know of any major retailers or financial institutions (like Visa gift cards) that allow the purchase of online e gift cards that can be emailed to the recipient and used in other countries? I am not opposed to mailing something but am under the impression that the mail service there may not be reliable and shipping seems expensive. Any thoughts on this greatly appreciated.

    1. If you’re just giving cash, this is what Paypal is for :)

       1. I’d strongly second that for any international gift-giving.. No currency problem, no hassle..

          1. Have family in the D.R.

             I send money via Xoom.com. Just a thought!

11. How do you get wrinkles out of cashmere sweaters?

    1. Steamer?

    2. I always iron my cashmere sweaters, relying primarily on the steam to get it done. Is there a reason you are worried about using an iron or steamer?

12. Bleh. Working on my year-end self-evaluation. Really hate these things.

13. Kat, I’ve noticed that your search function totally hasn’t been working recently. No matter what I type in, there are never any results, even for terms that are all over the blog and comments. just FYI

    1. +1 I tried typing in “gifts” and got nothing.

       1. argh — we were trying to try a new one since everyone hated google search but we’re having issues because some other software regarding the site is outdated. i’ve been holding off on updating the other software (because there is always More Research To Do) but also haven’t had time to touch base with my tech guy to figure out WTH. Sorry guys, will try to get to it when i have more than half a brain cell left…

14. Recommendations on:

    -Things to do/places to eat for adults in Orlando that are NOT a theme park?

    -The best things to do in Savannah that I won’t find on TripAdvisor? Again, adults only (two women) and we love historic stuff, interesting non-chain shopping, and restaurants. This is a trip with my mom – she’s active, but not enough to handle strenuous stuff (i.e., climbing all the way to the top of a lighthouse would be hard, but she handles long walks pretty well).

    1. There are great restaurants and shopping on Park Avenue in Winter Park, just north of downtown Orlando. Luma is my favorite restaurant in that area.

    2. Just came back from an adult trip to Orlando. I definitely second the Winter Park recommendation, in particular The Ravenous Pig and brunch at Briar Patch. Not far from downtown, Pom pom’s sandwich shop has amazing sandwiches.

    3. Eat at Miz Wilkes’ Boarding House in Savannah! There might also be some good walking tours/architectural tours for the squares (parks) and lovely older homes.

    4. Lots of new eateries have opened in Savannah. Take a peek at Florence, Pacci, The Grey, Collins Quarter, The Public. Other more established options are Vic’s, Pink House, Chive, Flying Monk Noodle, Soho South, local11ten, Elizabeth on 37th, Distillery, Gryphon Tea Room, The Public and Jepson Cafe. Shopping- Broughton street and the downtown design district will have a good mix of local and chain stores. Walking around downtown and through the squares (complete with benches for rest) is fun on a pretty day. Ghost tours can be a bit corny but fun. There are usually daytime walking tours of all sorts and also the trolley tours, including some that are on/off so you can cover more ground.

15. Big thanks to whoever recommended Kanye East’s Etsy shop recently! I ordered a necklace for my sister and it arrived the next day. And it’s gorgeous. Thinking of keeping it for myself.

    1. I absolutely love KanyeEast’s shop, Gewgaws and Gimcracks, on Etsy. Her stuff is so, so gorgeous and i get compliments on it all the time!

       Highly recommend!!!!

16. Do you think it’s better to donate a lot to just a couple of charities or give a little to a lot of charities? Last year I did the former and this year I’m doing the latter. There are so many organizations I want to support, but I kind of feel like a jerk giving a small amount to them (I want to add a note saying, “But I’m giving to 10 other orgs!” so they don’t think I’m a cheapskate). But when I give a lot to just 1-2 charities, I feel terrible NOT giving to so many other worthy causes.

    Thoughts?

    1. Every little bit counts, is what I think! Especially if you are talking about larger organizations. I tend to donate smaller amounts to national or global organizations, thinking that if 10,000 people donate $20, its $200,000, and the larger orgs have a bigger potential funding source. For smaller, more local organizations, such as our local low-cost spay/neuter clinic, I’ll be a little more generous, as I figure the base of donors who care is smaller. But either way, I think you are doing a lot of good, and I’m sure no one who is accepting your donation thinks you are a cheapskate!

    2. As someone who worked in the fundraising business, I would agree with L2fly – some organizations would prefer one way while others might prefer the other, but really you’re doing a good thing so do what works for you. If your employer does matching, also try to do that, because it can sometimes turn a small donation into a much larger one.

       We did have people give at certain levels to get their names on certain lists, so if that is important to you, definitely reach out to the nonprofit because some list all donations while some only list those who gave above a certain level.

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