This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
This top is a bit casual for wearing with a suit, but I do love it for the weekend, or even a casual office (with a suiting separate, though, like trousers or a pencil skirt). I love the deep oranges and red florals in the top — how rare is that for me?! — and I like that they're set against a gray tee. It's mashine washable, available in regular and petites, and $78. Anthropologie Jacaranda Top
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonynonynonynon
This may not be easily answerable, but–how do you decide when to throw a LGP with a new “gardener”?
I ask, because in my 20s, I mostly just went for it, and looking back, there’s a number of gardeners I’d just as soon not have partied with. But I can’t say it had much to do with how soon we did, or how long it lasted or whatever. Whereas now, in my mid-30s, I haven’t had any LGPs in…quite a while. A long time. And with a potential new gardener I have, I’m feeling weirdly hesitant. Not because of the person–he seems pretty awesome. Possibly because of course a certain part of me is saying “YES! There’s been a drought! Let’s do this!” , while the rest of me is going “ok, no need to rush…hormones going crazy is not a reason”. And maybe *because* he seems awesome, and I’m weirdly worried about adding another regret if it goes wrong. (We’ve been on a couple dates, made out a bunch, have been texting constantly).
So does anyone have any good guidelines/thoughts other than “when it feels right”?
Anon
What do you regret? Is it that you feel shy afterward? Honestly, if I want to do something, I do it. Maybe there’s no need to rush, but I also don’t see a need to wait.
Drought resistant gardening
After I have become comfortable enough to have the safe sex discussion in an appropriate yet still thorough manner. If we can get through that, then: (1) I feel safe, and (2) I know there is sufficiently good communication between us.
Anon
I would love to hear a bit more about how you start that conversation. I’m not a shy person and have no problem asking for whatever I need or want, but I have found it difficult to find the best words to use to bring this up. I’d love to hear what you and others say to start this conversation, so I can perhaps improve the way I do this.
Also anon
Interesting, I have had the same experience of being more cautious in my 30s. Perhaps it’s part of getting older. I started dating someone new in the fall and we took a long time to get there, and we actually had a mature conversation about contraceptives and getting tested before we did anything. For me it’s about making sure I have chemistry with the person and actually wanting to do it. I’ve dated some people where I’ve noticed that I’m just trying to put it off (but for no specific reason) and that tells me something.
TO Lawyer
I’m in my late 20s, but I’ve noticed a marked difference in my willingness to have an LGP now rather than a couple years ago. I’m much more cautious now and a big part of me believes that I’ve been burned so many times that now I’m almost gun shy of jumping into bed with someone. I’ve been dating someone for about 6 weeks now and honestly, I’m more scared of sleeping with him than I am about a more casual prospect because it seems daunting and like I may more get attached to him than I would like. I don’t know if any of that rings true for you but that’s been my experience over the last little while.
Anonynonynonynon
I think this is definitely a part of it–some of what makes me regret is differing expectations (if we’re both on the “hey, we’re at a conference and you seem cool and this is fun, let’s have a weekend but that’s all it is”, that’s one thing…) and for this instance, I kind of am (very tentatively/prematurely) hoping this could be a serious thing (and am planning to have a bit of a conversation with him about that to see if we’re on the same page). And some of it is how things have ended–if they ended up being a person I found I really didn’t like/didn’t behave like an adult/whatever? Which is so hard to know ahead of time. And there’s a few where there was nothing wrong with it–I don’t hardcore regret or anything, but also wouldn’t miss the memories if they disappeared.
He totally was willing on our 2nd date, but I was definitely not there yet (and he was totally fine with that…and I was very very tempted in the moment). But that’s what made me kind of question when I would be, and if anyone else had good thoughts.
N.C. anon
There’s been some good food for thought in this thread. Like you and some of the others, I also became more shy in my 30s.
I think, for me, when I was in my 20s I had more garden parties because I was insecure and liked the validation and feeling attractive. At one point, I remember thinking I wanted more than just casual parties. And so I became a little more discerning.
However after a three-year relationship in my late 20s that I realized was a bit about validation in another way, I feel like I kind of balanced out. Took some time off, had a couple of different repeat but not particularly serious gardeners, then met my husband.
Anon
Well, you can sleep with someone on the first or second or whenever date and still be serious with them. I get that sometimes sleeping with someone can make you fonder of someone you’re dating, but the reverse is also true for me. I’ve been appalled by the number of grown men that don’t know what a female orgasm entails (or that it’s not acceptable the first time you have sex to satisfy yourself for a few minutes and fall asleep, like it’s over). It’s really about your personal comfort level.
Why me
Am I the only one here who has no idea what this means?
anonymous
S*x. LGP is a code for it –lady garden party. Gardener, guy you are sleeping with
Anon
Or the woman you are sleeping with.
attornaut
thank you for clearing that up. all of the code was incredibly confusing–garden parties? serious gardeners?
Blue Anne
Why? This board is full of adult women, do we really need cutesy innuendos?
Baconpancakes
Because there’s a pretty strong filter that will keep posts with explicit words from showing up until Kat reads and approves them. Using code means we can post immediately, and discuss in detail.
Blue Anne
Ahhh, okay. That makes more sense. :)
Not alone
Thanks! I finally know what this means now too :)
SB
Whenever you want to do it. Only caveat would be that you have to know yourself – if you are the type of person to get very attached to someone after having s*x, then make sure you’ve discussed with him where you both stand. And self-care so that you don’t regret any previous instances. As long as you were safe and no one was hurt then it’s not a big deal.
Anonb
Honestly I think it might be a mistake to assume you can always know in advance when it will be a good decision in hindsight (ie one that you would do again if given the opportunity – no pun intended). Like friendships and relationships some will be good ideas and some will turn out to have not been. This is I think part of the human experience that you can’t close yourself off to with better forward planning. Now, but maybe you are the type of person (and it sounds like actually this might be the case) who from now on only wants to garden under certain circumstances (very close, marriage material, etc). You still can’t cut yourself off from potential disappointment but you can narrow your choices to these categories so that ultimately you feel more satisfied even if it doesn’t work out.
First Year Anon
Agreed.
Anonynonynonynon
Well, apparently the answer is “at this point in my life I need to be better about trusting my intuition even if on the surface things seem great”. Yeah. ….guess that drought will be a bit longer, then.
anonymous
I love this top. I’ve been sale-stalking it for a while.
Lila Fowler
After a great trip to Africa, I’m working on planning my next bucket list trip, which I’d like to do in September of this year or May of next year.
I’m wondering if anyone has a company/travel agent that focuses on the Himalayas they can recommend? I’d like to do the following:
-Everest Base Camp Trek
-Lhasa, Tibet
-India: Taj Mahal
I need some help planning and would like to work with a company who sends a lot of clients to that part of the world. Thanks!
Anonymous
No recommendations, but love the handle :)
Anonymous
Jealous of your trip. An Everest Base Camp Trek is very high on my bucket list.
SoCalAtty
Check out REI’s adventure trips. Everyone I know that has gone, has had a great time. Also Rick Steves has some sponsored trips that may cover India.
DCR
Not sure if your looking for a group trip or not, but I’ve alwasy had luck with GAdventures. It is a mix between a group trip and an individual trip, depending on how much you explore on your own vs staying with the group
Idea
If you can get to New Delhi, Taj Mahal is ridiculously easy to get to.
There are group tours and also you can just go to your (assuming semi-fancy, remarkably affordable) hotel, and just ask for a tour, and they will arrange a car and driver and maybe a guide.
I’ve been there twice, once in a group, once with the husband and child. It’s beautiful and one of the amazing places we’ve been to that truly is amazing.
Want to go solo
I would love to hear your thoughts on taking clients with you when you leave your firm and go solo. I have been working in biglaw and midlaw for close to 10 years, and I’m just done. Done with the stress, the unhealthy lifestyle, the office politics. All of it. I have a couple of clients I really like and with whom I’ve been working for years. My area is niche and I serve almost as their in-house counsel for this particular area. (Actually going in-house with them isn’t attractive to me – they’re in a city I don’t want to move to.)
I’m thinking of setting up shop as a solo, and I think at least one of these clients would use me for the same work, especially since I could likely offer them a rate that is half of what they’re paying for me now. They like me and I basically run this aspect of their business for them, and I have a great working relationship with their management and business teams. They would likely continue to use my old firm for all the other work (corporate, etc.), so the impact on my firm wouldn’t be huge.
As for my firm, it’s an OK firm as far law firms go. I’ve been treated reasonably well and given a lot of flexibility, but essentially, like all firms, they don’t really care about anything other than getting their pound of flesh. I bill 2300-2400 hours per year and the clients are happy, but the firm still cheaps out on my bonus. I don’t have anyone pushing for me and I don’t think I’ll make partner due to the politics of this firm (and they very rarely make women partners – women typically get relegated to “of counsel” sidetracks). I don’t have any energy for office politics and I typically stay out of stuff, which I think has lead to a perception of me as a bit unfriendly and aloof in the last few years. (I didn’t use to be like this and used to enjoy having lots of office friends – it’s just that over the years the people I was friends with have left and I’ve become more and more bitter and hardened and burned out, so all I focus on now is getting my work done well.) My bosses are prominent in this legal community and I don’t want to burn bridges.
How do I balance this? Is it unethical? Has anyone here done something similar and how did it work out?
Equity's Darling
I haven’t been in this situation, but I know my province’s Law Society Rules deal with this and how to move firms/clients ethically. Maybe your state ethics guidelines also deal with the issue?
RR
Tread carefully. I think here the rule is that you can’t contact clients until you leave.
Anonymous
I’ve never heard that rule. And, frankly, most experienced attorneys are hired to new firms because of their “book of business.” They are essentially guaranteeing that they will be taking a certain number of clients with them. There’s nothing wrong with taking clients to a new firm, even if that new firm is your own firm of you. Its how you do it. At least in New York it is.
RR
There’s nothing wrong with taking clients with you, but there are rules about how to do it. Laterals move with a “book of business” that they hope to bring, but which is never guaranteed because you don’t know until after the transition.
Anonymous
Restrictions on a client’s ability to choose their attorney are wholly unenforceable as a matter of public policy. For time sensitive matters, it is absurd to say that a client has to let their matter sit with an attorney they don’t want until their attorney is permitted to write them.
You can definitely send a letter prior to leaving old firm. You just have to be aware of the point mentioned below–not using old firm resources to do this–and also play it safe with a letter vs real time communication (possible solicitation).
RR
Right, but lawyers in a law firm also owe each other a fiduciary duty–generally even associates. And competing with your firm by secretly contacting clients while still employed and drawing a paycheck could breach that fiduciary duty. I’m not saying there’s a bright line rule, because there are a lot of variables at play. Telling clients that you are leaving and they have a right to choose counsel is different from actively soliciting. I’m just saying to the OP, be careful. Figure out the rules in your state.
cbackson
Noooooooooo associates have no fiduciary duty to other attorneys in a law firm. Associates are employees. That’s completely incorrect.
Partners are fiduciaries in certain respects, but that doesn’t work in the manner you’re describing – it’s generally going to be with respect to financial matters, and no such duty could operate the client’s right to select his/her counself. Attorneys in most states are expressly or impliedly prohibited from agreeing to noncompetition commitments specifically because the client’s right to freely choose counsel can’t be constrained.
cbackson
Or, more accurately, it’s not that associates have no fiduciary duty to the law firm, but it doesn’t work in the way that you’re describing. You have the general fiduciary duty of an employee, but that’s not a duty not to compete.
RR
An employee does have a duty not to compete while still employed and drawing a paycheck. At least in my jurisdiction and several others.
Trisha
So happy I am a government lawyer when I read threads like this.
Anonymous
Not unethical at all. You start talking to your existing clients about you leaving and feel out whether they’d “come with you.” Then you go.
Want to go solo
It’s interesting, because when partners make lateral moves it’s almost always with a “book of business”. How is that handled? Is that just what’s expected for a partner move, but not an associate? Very curious to hear people’s thoughts.
Anon for this to not out myself...
I think the key is to identify whether they are “your” client or whether there is another partner at the firm who has a more significant relationship than you. Not saying that clients who are “yours” won’t follow you, but you definitely need to tread carefully in that situation.
Ellen
Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s and this thread about takeing client’s with you. Last year, before my dad finalized my Partnership Agreement, I was getting a little P/O’ed about being the BIG rain maker for the firm, but NOT getting any equity out of it, so I was seriously thinking of leaveing the firm and takeing my OWN book of busness, or whatever it’s called, and goeing out on my own, or linkeing up with another WC firm as a PARTNER.
Dad said that was silly b/c the manageing partner was crazy about me and that I would NOT get a clotheing allowance elsewhere. Since that was probabley the MOST important thing to me, I decided to stay, and dad got me to be a partner! YAY!!!
Now dad has to deal with a new partnership form which is goeing to be a lot more compliceated then my W2 ever was, but b/c I am the lead practice WC partner, I command a lot more salary and have clout, so that is a good thing. I am also allowed to voice my OPINION’s at partnership meeting’s and I do get a vote, tho the manageing partner can just VETO anything he want’s b/c of the # of votes he has.
But it is still good b/c I have great clotheing which the firm subsidizes and NY Cares get’s all of my castaway’s, except for the shoes that I throw out b/c they are worn out or full of poopie (or both). So that is a good thing.
I want to tell the Hive to eat at Macy’s. They make an execellent pasta and I LOVE the topping’s!!! A guy there saw me and thought I was Italian b/c of all the Parmisian Cheeze I was putting on my pasta. He also said I had a nice tuchus. I was so happy that a man said a positive thing about my tuchus that I called dad from there JUST to tell him. He said I should MARRY him quick, but I told dad I did NOT even know his name! Dad said he was kidding, but told me that few men would singel out my tuchus to praise, b/c I had better attribute’s that are MORE positive then my tuchus. Either way, he was happy I was walkeing over to Macy’s, but warned me to keep my expenses down and NOT to eat to much PASTA! I told him I would NOT and then mom agreed that my tuchus was looking better and if I kept it up, I could easily stay a size 2 for the rest of the winter. I hope she is RIGHT b/c I do want to keep at the size 2, even though Rosa is a size 0, and in her case, being svelte did NOT prevent Ed from getting another woman to pleasure him in public! FOOEY!
If men can like me for what I am, that is the most important thing. I want a man who I can discuss politic’s with and who respects me for my intellect. Where are men like this? Why do men focus ONLEY on my look’s? I hope I can find a guy to be my Spring Fling date. If anyone in the hive has a guy who is suitabel for me, PLEASE give me his name! I will be very carful before tossing him aside, b/c Dad says I am to picky with men. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Coach Laura
Want to go solo- not in law but in finance, it happens quite a bit. People are hired for their “book” and their ability to bring clients with them. Clients are often so loyal that they would follow even if not asked by the leaving party. My advice would be to avoid conflicts of interest and don’t burn bridges with your firm. Don’t solicit the clients on your firm’s time. Set up your firm, get space/staff ready and then make your pitch. I think you’ll have clients follow you easily. (I’m surprised you haven’t seen anyone do this from your current or former firm but if you could find someone who has left you could ask them this type of question.) And who knows, your firm may be happy for you (less people competing to be partner) and glad that you’ll refer business back: I’ve seen this with newly in-house folks who routinely refer work back to the firm that they left and the firm is happy. Good luck!
Anon
To give you a counterpoint, I know people who tried to do this and found it to be much harder to do, only because there’s so much support when you are at biglaw and midlaw, and when you are on your own, you need to do *everything* yourself, which leaves very little time to network and develop a practice. I know people who have left as partner, only to go back to another firm as of counsel or a contract attorney when they realized that being a solo was incredibly stressful and difficult. Just think carefully about how much $$ you need to make and whether you’ll enjoy the business/admin aspects of running a law firm. Also, if you are at DLA Piper, you need to get out – that place is a sinking ship.
Want to go solo
Yes, definitely thinking long and hard about this. No 24 hour IT support, nobody to cover when I want to go on vacation (I actually do get to go on vacation at my current job), etc…
Anon
How do you feel about lateralling to another firm, perhaps one where there are lots of women partners and they regularly promote women? Sometimes a change of scenery/people makes all the difference.
Want to go solo
I’ve thought about it, but I really think that my current firm is as good as it gets for law firms that offer my particular practice. I’ve previously been at 2 biglaw firms in my career, and my current firm is so much better, which is why I’ve stuck it out for a long time. I also feel like I no longer have the energy to enthusiastically start at a new place and start building relationship and goodwill (man, I used to be so enthusiastic earlier in my career). This is probably just a symptom of mild burnout, but still, I just don’t have the right mindset to lateral into a new firm.
Anon
I totally get it – I’m on my fourth and last firm, but in my case, the transition has been totally worth it because I have an actual sponsor, and my sponsor is one of the power partners at the firm. I was seriously hesitant to do it again (I’ve been practicing longer than you), but in hindsight, I wish I had gotten out of my previous firm sooner. Relationships are everything to me and I also know that I cannot be a solo working in my home office – I would miss out on the social aspects of working in an office setting – so I kind of think of it as my “fate” that I will always be at a firm.
As for you, I think another firm is worth a try, especially if there’s a clear path to partnership at the new firm, or just accepting it for what it is, but cutting down on your hours (maybe delegating more) and trying to find stuff outside of work that brings you greater satisfaction (and seeing work as a means to finance your real life), and I would also consider going in-house, government, law teaching or somewhere else where your skills can be transferred, but I would hesitate to start your own firm, unless you really want to “be your own boss” and you are confident in your ability to bring in droves of new clients. As I mentioned before, most people I know who go from midlaw to solo end up looking for a job within 2 years just to pay the bills – of the ones I know who are happy with being solo, one is not making as much as he would at a midsize firm (but doesn’t care – he likes the freedom), another is a SAHM and practicing law is basically a side job (her husband makes a lot of money), and one is very successful (but she was a partner at the prior firm and convinced another partner to go with her and the two of them had enough clients to build from referrals alone).
anon
Curious what you mean about DLA
Anon
I’m making a huge assumption here, because DLA has been in the news lately as working their associates biglaw hours but paying small bonuses this year. Apparently a lot of people are unhappy with that and are looking to leave.
a lawyer
Check your state’s ethics rules. They cover this situation, when and how you can contact clients. In my experience, no matter how good a relationship a departing attorney has/had with the firm, the firm gets panties in a wad when someone leaves and takes or tries to take clients with them. There is a lot of territorial guarding that goes on. Good luck!
anonymous
Can anyone offer advice on how to build friendships as an adult? I’m mid-late 20s, and I think that part of the problem I’m having is that my married friends (which is just about all of them) either never want to hang out, or they always bring their SOs. I know I can address the latter part, but I think this is symptomatic of a bigger issue. I know enough people that could move from friendly acquaintance to friend, but it’s just hard to ever hang out/do anything besides have couple lunch dates with me, DH, friend, and husband. I think DH and I always made it a point to maintain some separate social lives/activities, so I’m finding it hard to navigate adult friendships. It’s also noteworthy that I don’t have this issue at all with my married male friends, and I definitely don’t think they’re any less devoted to their spouses.
I had dinner with a friend and her husband last night, and she was talking (unprompted) about how awesome her husband is and how she never wants to do anything without him unless she has to (like work). Does this sentiment change once they’re no longer newlyweds? And if not, how do I maintain/build friendships as an adult when just about everyone is like this? Clearly I’m approaching it wrong or have wrong expectations, so I’d really like advice on that.
LilyS
I host weekly Friday Night Meatballs (I think I got the idea from an article from Serious Eats). It’s a great way to maintain and build friendships, because people who’ve come a few times bring people who I’ve not met before, and it’s great watching all my friends from different ‘parts of my life’ get to know each other (I work on the basis that they’re all my kind of people so they will be each other’s kind of people). Sometimes there are couples there, sometimes not.
Baconpancakes
YES! I love this idea. I’ve been having mystery guest dinner parties, where I’ll invite a couple of people, who have to bring someone new, ideally someone I don’t know, but at the very least, someone the other guests don’t know. It’s so much more interesting when there’s a great mix of people to talk about new things with.
LilyS
(Just want to add that I’ve found the optimum group size to be 5 or 6; any bigger and you end up with multiple sub-conversations forming)
Anon
I tell my girl friends it’s girl’s night. It’s not, really, but that’s the only way we can get one of my friends to go anywhere without her fiance.
Anonymous
Same. I hate my BFF’s boyfriend & the only way I can see her now without him is by planning “girls nights [or days]” with our other female friends. It kinda stinks but I’ve gotten used to it.
Alana
As someone who has had to do this, it seems to be partly about circumstance and partly about preference. I think some people are ok with having friends that are not necessarily “couple friends.” People who do not feel the need to socialize with their spouse every time are the folks you should search for. Also, you can befriend younger or older people, who are more likely to be single.
As a single person, there are times I wanted to be in a relationship just to be friends with people in couples who only want to socialize with other couples.
anonymous
Are there people, women in particular, out there who do like to socialize individually? Because I don’t have any female acquaintances or friends who can stand to be parted from their SO. My friends tend to be mid 20s through mid 30s, although none of them have kids. Where else should I be looking/ how do I find people who don’t always have to socialize together?
Anonymous
good lord of course there are. I have girls night or dinner at least once a week (been with my SO for seven years, married for 1).
nutella
I’ve been trying to work through this, too. Many of my closest friends have disappeared with fiances and SOs, which has never really been my style. I went to a meetup and met some other cool women my age that had SOs and the very fact that they were being social at that meetup without their SOs told me that they could stand to be apart. So maybe that’s the key!
SB
Absolutely…I love socializing individually.
Rosemagilly
I probably socialize more without my Fiancé than with him. Most of my friends are from college, newer ones are current / old coworkers or even a girlfriend / wife or two of my fiancé’s friends.
Anonymous
I’m mid thirties and I do like to socialize individually. Another poster suggested the website meetup. Try it, you might be able to meet people with similar interests who may not necessarily bring their S.O.
Hildegarde
Most of my female friends who are in relationships (most married, some dating) socialize some of the time without their SOs, so they do exist. These are mostly friends from high school (I live in the city where I grew up), or friends I’ve met through other friends.
Anonymous
I socialize regularly with just my female friends (all from college) who live in my area. We all have SOs but we all met our SOs at various different life stages post-college so we don’t mostly know each others SOs that well and the SOs don’t know each other at all.
Lynnet
Almost all of my friends in my current location are either single or “couple friends”. I don’t have any individual female friends. I don’t think for any of us it’s that we can’t stand to be separated from our SOs, it’s just that we tend to do things as a big group and our SOs are part of that big group.
I wish I had more individual friends, male or female (although especially female). Defying stereotypes, I feel like my husband is much better about always having one or two close male or female friends, whereas I struggle more with that. Our group of friends right now is great, but they’re friends we go out and do things with, I don’t know that I have enough in common with any of the women to actually sustain a close individual friendship. It’s a lack I’ve been really feeling recently.
Must be Tuesday
I’m in a similar position. All my friends are either acquaintances that I’m not too close to or they’re my SO’s friends or they’re friends we made together. I don’t have any close individual friends in my area. I’d like to change this, but I also enjoy alone time and get a sufficient amount of social interaction through the connections I do have, so I haven’t been terribly motivated. There are time though that I feel the lack of a close female friend, and wish I were better at forging and maintaining those relationships.
roses
Perhaps it’s a function of whether you actually met friends as an individual or as a couple. I hang out with individual friends that I met in high school, college, and law school without my husband all the time. But when we meet couples as a couple who I didn’t know from other context, I feel strange reaching out to just the female half to hang out. Not sure why though – I think maybe if I didn’t have a group of friends in my city I probably would make an effort to move past whatever discomfort I have.
Blue Anne
There certainly are. This post boggles my mind a bit. I’ve never seen this kind of behaviour from my friends – sure, often their SOs come along because we’re “couple friends” with both of them, but we wouldn’t have any problem separating them. (And DH and I regularly hang out wiht our own friends individually.)
Anon
Ugh. I really don’t think it’s about wanting to socialize as a couple or only with girlfriends, but that it’s simply a matter of limited time. In an ideal world, I’d have plenty of time to spend individually with everyone I love, but in reality there is limited socializing time. So I invite my husband along to dinner with my friends and vice versa sometimes. But not everyone in either of our crowds is coupled and we both love hanging out with our single friends as much as the coupled.
LondonLeisureYear
I love my book club for this reason. Its a group of women that hang out – we have spread it to going to movies, we have eating only nights with no books etc. Since the friendship started as women only I find that I have no trouble calling one up to go for a walk, go to coffee etc and the husbands/SOs never come along. I found my book club on meet up!
la vie en bleu
Second/thirding the Meetup suggestion, im part of a couple of different “Womens” groups on meetup, there is a mix of single and coupled women, and yet they all want to make more gal friends. I have regular social activities I can go to, even when I can’t get my close friends to make plans individually.
MNF
I love having one-0n-one time with my friends, don’t get me wrong. But. I’ve made a ton of friends through couple friends. In addition to making direct connections as suggested above, why not try to meet some new couples with your DH? It’s not like people get married and automatically become the worst (except, apparently for your married gfs).
Lynnet
I find that first “couples” dates are just about as awkward and hilarious as first real dates. though!
Ugh
I’ve been working on a huge case for a big client for a couple of years. If I can brag for a minute, I have done A+ work on the huge case. It’s in a lull right now. I’m an associate. It’s pretty customary at my firm that an associate gets all the work from a specific client unless the client needs someone with very specialized knowledge (like bankruptcy).
The big client just sent us another case, which is smaller, but an associate would probably get to do more on the file than the big case I’m working. It’s also exactly the same type of case as the big case. The partner put a different associate on th new smaller case. He told me that he thinks the big case is going to get really busy again soon.
I’m just really jealous and sad about this. I understand the stated reason, but I can’t help but wonder if my work isn’t as good as I thought.
Needless to say, I’m very much looking forward to some wine (to go with my whine…)
Cream Tea
No advice here, just wanted to say I too am looking forward to some wine.
Anonymous
I understand why you’re frustrated and upset (I would be too) but I do think it’s a very real possibility he’s telling you the truth and anticipates the big case getting hot again. I’ve seen it happen many times. Perhaps you could have a talk with him when you both have a calm moment and let him know that since you’re being asked to focus on the big case and you’ve been working on that case for so long, maybe you could take on some additional responsibilities on that case? Not sure what year you are, but in my experience, junior and mid-level associates typically get their first “hands-on” experience (depos, motion hearings, etc.) on big cases they’ve been working on for a long time since they know the facts as well or better than anyone else. So this case sounds like it could be the perfect opportunity for you to get that type of experience.
RR
I still get bummed out by this as a partner (junior partner in huge litigation who often still gets “assigned”) to cases), but he’s probably telling the truth. It’s probably a matter of thinking the big case is going to heat up and protecting your time precisely because you are so valuable to the big case. Sometimes too, there’s a desire to show clients you have a “deep bench” so that they are comfortable sending more big cases.
NYNY
Does anyone have an office humidifier they like? My skin is drying out since a) winter, and b) new office, so I’m wondering if adding some moisture to the air will help. Bonus if it’s eligible for Amazon prime.
Fishie
I bought a little one that runs from my monitor’s USB port at BB&B. $20 or so. Homedics.
Anon
Funny story – until a friend looked at me strangely and burst into laughter when I said it aloud, I’d always pronounced that company (in my head) as “Home Di*ks”, instead of Home-medics.
Oops.
ELL
This made me laugh outloud.
NYNY
You could have “Home Di*ks” and “Away Di*ks”…
Apples
You could have “Home Di*ks” and “Away Di*ks”…
Pink
Apples, you win today!
Anonymous
Haaaa!!!
Anon
Hahaha. I do that all the time. I read “nomorerack” as NO MO RE RACK, which I know is nonsensical. I also can’t read the name of Kate Hudson’s exercise clothing line, “Fabletics” properly – I see it as “Fable Tics.”
Anonymous
In our computer lab, the user name is labuser. A student once came up to me and asked why the username was l abuser. I explained (after laughing maniacally inside) that it was lab user.
E
I thought it was NO MO RE RACK!!!
Anonymous
I bought an Air o Swiss travel model on Prime that uses regular 16.9 or 20 oz water bottles as the “tank.” It works well enough for a small space like an office, and it’s easy to refill when the water runs out. I also like how compact it is for travel–if you’re going to buy a small model, might as well get one that could double for that purpose as well.
Not cut out for the working world?
Any advice on how to separate work stress from rolling over into your life? I’m two years into my first job, and am finding that with long hours, short deadlines and trying to balance multiple demanding projects, I consistently feel tense. Weekends and off time I don’t even want to do some of my de-stress activities because I spend the entire times thinking about work and it ruins it. I get good reviews and know that I’m being overly hard on myself but really don’t know how to stop the tension I feel at work from impacting my life. Any advice? Or commiseration? I am especially puzzled because I went to a top school, studied a pretty tough subject and worked my ass off, and have the type of job I always envisioned (and wanted!) but have never felt even a fraction of the pressure that I do now. Friends who have similar backgrounds and careers are good at thinking about their fast-paced jobs as “just a job” while mine somehow seems to tie to my self worth. Am I just not cut out for the corporate world? Or have others gone through this and found solutions or other work places that make it better?
Awa
I have experienced what you have. And I think you have to try and distance yourself from the job sometimes. Remember that even if you leave, the job will be there, someone will take over i.e. work never ends. Try scheduling stuff on the weekends i.e. commit to doing something fun and stick to the plan. Or just chill, if that’s what you feel like. The constant tension you describe wore me down over a number of years and I don’t think it’s worth it. If your plate is too full, delegate or ask for help. Setting boundaries is key. If it’s more of a work culture thing and you don’t think it’s the right environment for you. Keep working but also consider moving on at some point.
Same here..
No advice but maybe it helps if you know other people are in the boat and trying to figure out what to do? I’ll be watching other responses…
anonymous
Pick up a gym habit. Or your exercise of choice. I use exercise as a means of curbing anxiety, and when I’m done with my workout, I tend to be in a much better place mentally where it’s easier to let go of whatever’s bothering me.
NYNY
Maybe it’s the culture of your office, or even just your team? If you have any colleagues in a similar position as yours, do they seem to be under similar pressure? Can you meet one for a drink after work and commiserate?
If it’s the job (or the boss), think about finding a new one. With two years of good reviews under your belt, you can move on to a new team or new company and find a better fit.
If it’s just you, then you need to look at how you balance your time and energy, and what gives you validation. A lot of high achievers are pretty dependent on validation from an authority figure – parent, teacher, boss – and don’t know how to push back against demands from that person. If this describes you, then you need to learn how to take care of yourself and how to need less approval from others. Changing jobs/bosses won’t change you, so you may as well stay and start working it out.
I’m afraid this may sound harsh, but it isn’t meant to be. I went through a lot of this myself, and it took failing big to do the work I needed to do on feeling okay with myself no matter what other people said. I’m hoping that if anything I’m saying resonates, that you won’t have to push yourself to a breakdown before you start to change.
JJ
I went through the exact same thing and NYNY’s third paragraph is key. It took me several years before I set boundaries and felt strong enough to push back and respect my personal time enough. If you have two years of good work and good reviews under your belt, start incrementally pushing back and making an effort to carve quality de-stress time to yourself.
Anon
I was like you till very recently. My job was a big part of my identity. However towards the end of last year, my manager said I have not performed well and I am on the path to get terminated. It came as an intense shock to me.I wrote that on this very site when it happened. In next two – three days I sent a report of all the work I had done and the positive business impact it had. My manager apologized profusely and asked me not to leave the team. I gave notice within a week as I just couldn’t tolerate being there even for a minute after I came to know they wanted to fire me, that too for performance reasons.
That incident has changed me. I am still trying to come to terms with it. My attitude towards my job has changed. I just cannot feel so stressed anymore even if I want to. I know I can lose my job anytime for any reason and I don’t want to make it a big part of my life. I am trying to find an alternate identity, to lead a good and fulfilled life without a job !!!
Hollis
Wow, thanks for sharing this. What a terrible experience – are you looking for a position now or did you land somewhere else? I hope you end up somewhere where you are appreciated!
chilledout
I felt the same way you describe at my first CPA firm job, where I worked for three years. When I finally bailed for what seemed like a less toxic environment, I realized that I probably could have improved my quality of life a bit at the first place just by thinking of myself as more of a contractor and the firm as my client. It took a lot of the personal nature of out any criticism.
You are both easily replaced and completely hireable! Once I realized too that the firm was far too lazy to fire me and train a whole new person, my sense of waiting for the ax to fall really began to disappear. And I hate to call it this, but I really think about my new attitude toward my job as “pulling an Office Space.” When I acted like a scared peon, everyone treated me that way. When I stopped letting managers bully me into walking differently (!! in my first performance review, they told me my walk came across as arrogant… apparently good posture is an insult to some people), and forced them to treat me like a professional (including being willing to accept being fired if it came to that), the work environment felt a lot more reasonable and pleasant.
You aren’t the job, I would strongly encourage you to find ways to emotionally disconnect from what goes on there. And you’re obviously a high achiever, so you don’t really need to worry about “what if” they fire you, etc. It helped me to ask myself what the worst that could happen was. And it was usually that I would get fired. Then I realized that there are lots of CPA jobs out there – it’s probably the same in your field! Stay strong, don’t let the jerks get you down!
Anonymous
I think others have made some really good suggestions for re-considering your point of view. But you may want to try something smaller and more concrete to help you start to get this under control. I would recommend spending 5-15 minutes at the end of every day to clean up your desk area and then make your to-do list for the next day. Write it on paper and leave it on your desk so you can’t look at it all night on your phone and keep adding and updating it. (There are tons of ideas for organizing your to-do lists on sites like Lifehacker. Try a few out! Or get a kanban board.)
Once you’ve mad your list — you are done with work for the day. Walk away and accept that nothing you can do after that list is made. Try getting your evenings and weekends back. Only then will you be able to evaluate if your workplace is toxic or you’re in the wrong field or whatever.
I did something similar to help with my insomnia — each night I write down what I did that day (I use a line a day journal, so sometimes it’s just what book I’m reading and what we had for dinner) and then make a to-do list for the next day. Once it’s written down I find it much easier to sleep.
I once had a really toxic job and I was cowed by it being my first job I don’t think I realized until I was long gone that a) my boss manufactured drama by not dealing with things on schedule and b) my boss and my mom had some very similar responses to “less than perfect”. The second thing caused me to fall into some pretty awful patterns with my boss where I did the same things I did with my mom when I was a kid/teen (try to hide mistakes, take on any tasks that did not require my boss’s oversight, generally try to hide) the whole thing was ridiculous, but I was so freaked out by the idea that I might be “fired” that I couldn’t do anything else.
Get yourself some space to take care of yourself and you may realize that it’s this job not you — or that it’s a combination and you should look for something else. Also? Two years is long enough to start looking for a promotion somewhere else.
Crossroads
I feel like I am at a career (maybe even life) crossroads. I’ve been in higher ed for a while now. I have been thinking and looking back and realised that somehow I think I have been working too hard. Proud to have accomplished all that I managed to but at the same time I feel abit of regret at not having more fun, somehow. Like those times when I worked on the weeekend or late into the night. I’m in my mid thirties so feeling this way has been a bit of a surprise. It’s often said that this is the kind of thing that happens in later years. I also realised there are certain aspects of the job I don’t like. For me it’s teaching. Had conversations about it with family and some friends and somehow it bothers me that some people think “you don’t have to like your job”. I’m looking to make some changes and I also know one does what they have to do in order to make a living. But I also feel that I don’t like my life. I guess I’m looking for commiseration and also wondering if anyone has “felt” like they were on the cusp of a big life change. What I mean is feeling an inner shift of sorts and getting a sense that you as a person are changing…
Responded to the previous post too...
It is so interesting – two posts sort of similar in a row! What’s more interesting is I was planning to post the same type of thing for the weekend threat. Could it be a quiet Friday afternoon and we’re all questioning life decisions?
I’m not sure what to do either…I’m exhausted and just plain burnt out. I’ve been working so hard for 15+ years…ugh. Not sure what to do next. Sorry, I know this isn’t helpful, but just thought I’d say you’re not alone!
Crossroads
Maybe it’s because the year is still young so it’s natural to question things when you are starting a new calendar year. I think you should take a break honestly. It will do you good. Some of the questioning I have comes from the fact that being forced to take a break also led to me clearing my head alot. Left a lot of room for self reflection and noticing things I hadn’t noticed before.
Apples
Also. Mercury is in retrograde.
anon
I have felt like this and I went back to grad school! But you want to maybe go in reverse. Or, maybe administration? There’s an awesome coach for the “alt-academic” market – people who decide academia is not for them. See the blog for free and and decide if you want to pay for some coaching (no affiliation, but the blog was incredibly helpful for me during my job hunt): professorisin / pearls of wisdom blog.
Question for the attorneys
Question for the attorneys:
How do you decide when/whether to look at a contract as a favor to a friend? Esp if it is outside your area of expertise? Do you feel comfortable doing so but with the caveat that it isn’t in your wheelhouse, it isn’t legal advice, but you’ll give it a quick read and tell them some quick thoughts?
Example – I’ve never practiced in labor & employment but am occasionally asked to look at non-competes for friends. There are things I know are not standard (ridiculously long time periods for an entry-level employee position, for example), but I always feel a little uncomfortable with someone else relying on my opinion (even with all the caveats).
How do all of you handle this?
Anonymous
I don’t give my friends legal advice at all. I’m paranoid. I’ve pointed my friends toward resources like books or websites that might be helpful but that’s about it. If I had a close friend that really needed a lawyer I might send an email to my firm asking if anyone had a referral to that type of lawyer. That’s pretty much all I would do.
ace
Yeah, I don’t do it.
I think your example is a good one for an area where there is a real risk to giving advice. Noncompetes are an area that vary so much by jurisdiction that I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving advice on them to friends. That is also a high risk area, as even if a restrictive covenant isn’t going to be entirely enforceable (once you get to a formal hearing on the merits, which may not be for months in a injunctive relief situation, or years if injunctive relief isn’t sought), trust me that it can take a lot of time and money to get there. I wouldn’t want a friend to rely on my advice and then get sued.
M2
If it’s something that falls into the “I only know anything about this area of law because I had to in order to pass the bar exam” category, I will not touch it with a 10-foot pole, but always offer to refer to someone I trust. If it is something I have a useful level of knowledge about, but is still not quite on the “things I do” list, I will look it over and then decide if I need to refer out. In any event, I always share as much general information as I can so that the person understands why it is important to consult with someone who really knows that area of law (because we all know that while there is always a line wrapped around the corner for free advice, those same people are suddenly willing to throw caution to the wind when they can’t get the advice for free).
Anon
I refuse. I will try to refer to someone who is an expert.
JJ
I don’t do it, and I especially wouldn’t do it for non-competes. Unless you’re an expert in that area, there are landmines everywhere.
Anon For This
I’m comfortable giving my friends the same advice I would if it were something else – like a salary negotiation. Agree with their instincts that they should talk to an employment lawyer if something looks funny, or should negotiate if something bothers them. I would never give them the kind of final legal advice a client would pay for.
desi inside and out
I tell them that they get what they pay for, and really strongly encourage themselves to get to the right kind of lawyer. I also highlight the ways that they could end up getting screwed even if you look at it.
Zelda
I’ll read friends employment or rent contracts (have had a little experience with the former) to explain the legalese, not to give legal advice as to how they should proceed. Basically I’ll tell them that it says you have to do a, b, c and can’t do x, y, z. If I came across something that was complicated or that might be an issue, I would advise them to seek legal counsel. I don’t give advice as to how to break a contract that they’ve already entered into, more of an explanation of what it means prior to signing.
Senior Attorney
You realize, I hope, that “explaining the legalese” and giving an “explanation of what it means prior to signing” totally constitutes giving legal advice.
Anon For This
But if your friends are highly educated and literate they are often afraid of legal contracts that in reality they can read themselves. And if your friends are true friends and also aren’t rich enough to hire a lawyer every time they get a job, it can be nice to reassure them of their intelligence, with little risk of being sued for malpractice, especially if you don’t have assets.
The answers are different if your friends can afford a lawyer to look over things – in that case I always suggest they do.
Monte
Never ever ever. I am a good attorney, but I am a litigator and don’t do any kind of transactional/contract law. I wouldn’t give advice to anyone I care about, and I wouldn’t want to risk my license/commit malpractice for someone I don’t care about.
DCR
For friends? Never.
For immediate family (parents, brother)? I’ve looked over contracts and helped my mom draft her will from the form in a book (partially because she can’t use a computer so she just needed someone to type it and simply stuff like “mom, this website says you need to have two witness”). I make it very clear that it is not an area of expertise, that I’m not operating as their attorney but that I’m offering help as a family member. Since my mom can’t really afford to hire an attorney, I can at least try and figure out if something in it is concerning. There have been times when I looked at something, it raised red flags, and I got my mom to hire an attorney in that area. If I hadn’t done it, she would have probably just signed it. And this is the type of stuff I would have done for my family pre-law school.
a lawyer
DCR, I’ve been practicing over 30 years and I have yet to see a will drawn from a book or (gasp) the internet that would withstand challenge. I would strongly encourage you to have your mom see another lawyer. In most places, a simple will can be obtained for less than $250, and if it is not simple, she definitely needs good legal advice. I have seen many people’s wishes not honored because they tried to save a bit of money on a will.
Anonymous
Is this your practice area? If so, it makes sense that you wouldn’t see the situations in which a will drafted from a book works fine (since that would not end up in litigation). If the will is simple, not sure why it wouldn’t be sufficient to avoid probate
Hollis
As a counterpoint, I do it all the time. Seriously, all the time. I feel like most contracts are pretty easy to interpret, and if it’s not, I can look up the statutes (like the landlord tenant laws) or an employment law treatise quicker and figure it out quicker than any person who is not in law. I’ll even call a regulatory agency on their behalf (as a friend) because I know what questions to ask. I know that just about everyone who is asking me for advice is not able to or willing to hire a lawyer to do a review, and I’d much rather do a quick review and spot issues for them, than to have them get into a bad situation. I also have several doctor friends and I know they are asked for and give free advice all the time.
Anon
Same but mostly for other lawyers. For non-lawyers I tend to refer them to small firms/solos I know.
a lawyer
It’s a good way to lose a friend. Most people want their friends to confirm their own feelings, not give them real legal advice. If you don’t know much about the area, tell them so and tell them they will need to find someone who has expertise in that area.
Clerkship?
Considering temporarily leaving practice for a term clerkship with a state appellate court. Can anyone who has actually done this weigh in on whether it turned out to be a good/bad idea? For reference, I am 3-ish years out of school and currently working at a very small (but respected) firm.
Anonymous
I haven’t done it myself, but I’ve seen people at our firm leave for federal clerkships. I would say it depends what you want to do with the rest of your career/why you want to clerk in the first place.
If you want to stay at your current firm, are they ok with it? If you stay, are you hoping to become partner in the next X years? For the people in our firm who left for federal clerkships, their career path has not been about making partner (at all). Not to say that the clerkship would have prevented that possibility, but I think it certainly stalls it, especially on the business development front.
If you want to leave after the clerkship, where would you go? I think a clerkship can provide a graceful exit strategy, but certain firms/practice areas won’t be impressed with a state court clerkship. You might think about talking someone in an analogous position where you’d hope to end up and see how their office would view a clerkship.
Wildkitten
What does your firm say? It sounds like the kind of thing where if you are thinking about it, it is probably a good idea.
Alanna of Trebond
I think you are too senior to leave for a temporary clerkship if you want to come back. If you are using it to transition to another job, it sounds like the perfect time.
ace
I’ll respectfully disagree with Alanna here (very regretfully as I loooovvvved the Alanna books growing up). I’ve seen people leave at this level & be welcomed back, but (a) it’s not a sure thing that you’ll be welcomed back (whereas it was pretty much a given 5+ years ago); and (b) I’ve seen more people leaving saying they’ll come back, but not actually coming back. So I think it’s possible to come back, but wouldn’t count on it as a definite.
Wow
I think a state appellate court clerkship generally isn’t considered as prestigious as a federal clerkship, and I’ve rarely (if ever) seen folks leaving the firm for state clerkships. That said, if your firm has state appellate clerks from this particular court and/or this court is well regarded, then I might consider it. I don’t think you’re too senior to leave for a clerkship, I just think you need to be convinced that this job is well regarded enough to leave private practice, albeit temporarily.
Just need to vent -
My head is killing me, my feet hurt, my coworkers are idiots and my clients are worse.
It is half past wine-o-clock and I’m overdue at the bar!
Wildkitten
It’s way too cold here. I want to go home but don’t want to go outside.
Please Don't Quote Me on This
Hello,
I’m hoping for some advice about how to handle a bad performance review while its happening. I’m in a PhD program, and I’m a bit behind on my dissertation because I’ve had opportunities to do other things that are going to be good for my career (i.e., first author some publications, participate in conferences, etc.). But, my school is concerned with metrics, and I’m definitely behind the curve in terms of scheduling my proposal defense etc. My dissertation committee is completely fine with it (which is important), but I’m concerned about the administration. Before this, I’ve been a fairly strong student.
So, what do I do when I get called in for my yearly performance review (which should be happening soon)? I don’t want to argue with them – they undoubtedly have a point, and I should be a bit ahead of where I am. I’m taking steps to correct it, but these things take some time. I don’t want to be defensive, but I also don’t want it to seem like I am just yes-ing them (and, god forbid, I don’t want to cry). I would really appreciate any suggestions anyone has about how to act in the actual meeting itself (and any subsequent follow up I should do to make sure that they see I’ve gotten the point).
Thank you, so much, in advance!
Anonny
Own why you’re behind. Mention once, and only once, what you’ve been doing which has caused you to be behind. Then, focus on solving the problem. Do not get argumentative.
Lorelai Gilmore
I would go into the meeting with three things in mind:
1) A list of everything you’ve accomplished;
2) A list of the “deficiencies” you see in your own work; and
3) A concrete, measurable plan of how you intend to remedy them.
There are lots of grad students who are so busy doing interesting things that are good for their careers that they never get around to writing the dissertation and graduating. I think the best thing you can do is come armed with a plan for how you are actually going to get the dissertation done.
In terms of your behavior in the meeting, don’t apologize, don’t cry, and don’t justify. Just hear them out, and give your confident, prepared response (I like, “I see how you could have concerns. Fortunately, I have a plan to do XYZ”). The key is to show them that you are a strong, capable, results-oriented future contributor to scholarship, not an overgrown college student gadding about the department doing fun stuff.
Good luck. I think grad school can be the WORST, and I hope it goes much better than you expect!
Please Don't Quote Me on This
Thank you so much! I have a month-by-month breakdown of what I’m doing for the rest of my time here, that I’ve gone through with my advisor. I’ll definitely bring copies to the meeting, in case they want to see it.
What’s frustrating is that I’m going to graduate before the five year mark, but they’re trying to get people out quicker (which is awesome!), so I’m now behind where they’d like us to be.
Are jersey dresses appropriate for work?
I love jersey dresses, but was just wondering if they are appropriate for work? I’ve never heard a yes or no either way, but read an article giving advice on professional attire to avoid “any clothing of jersey material”. What do you ladies think? Thanks!
spamtest123
cc
I may be late for replies, and I know we’ve had a lot of baby threads lately, so skip this one if you’re sick of baby talk.
Pretty much my whole adulthood I’ve been pretty sure I don’t want kids, but I married a man whose pretty sure he does (not the main point). But recently he said something about kids – that if money wasn’t an object we’d probably have kids. And ever since then, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. One of the things I love most about my husband is that he’s a dreamer and he brings out a side of me I didn’t know I had. He plants the idea of something new and crazy – let’s get married young! Let’s move someplace new! – and I run with it and make it happen. And that’s a good thing – we’re complementary that way.
Sorry for the long spiel, but the point is, now he’s planted the idea – let’s have a baby (someday) – and I’m a little scared I’m going to start running with it before I realize it. I know it sounds dumb, thinking about it is not gonna make it happen, but it’s freaking me out. Can anyone relate?
CPA Lady
My husband I were both very ambivalent about having kids. We got married young, and were married about 6 years before we started giving it any real thought. I had the “oh $hit, I’m about to be 30, I need to think about this and decide one way or the other” freakout.
I was so torn and so conflicted, and had to really think about *why* I didn’t want to have kids– for me it wasn’t about being concerned about the responsibility or just not wanting to deal with caring for another human being (which are completely fine reasons, as I think pretty much ANY reason is fine), but because I didn’t want to have a chaotic life, driving kids around to lessons, listening to them bicker, never having a moment to myself. I didn’t want my entire self and personality to become sexless, harried, frumpy “mommy with a minivan”.
Once I explored the reasons why I was hesitating, I realized a lot of them could be worked around or were things I had blown out of proportion. So we decided to have an only child. And it is really great so far. I was expecting the baby stage to be horrible, and I have really surprised myself by enjoying it so much. Besides thinking through my fears, something else that helped me a lot was thinking about what I could possibly gain from having a child– like seeing people in church with their grown children. I saw that and thought “I want that”.
The moral of the story isn’t DO IT! The moral of the story is figure out why you don’t want to do it. If its not something that can be worked around, then it’s just not and that’s fine, but you need to have a hard conversation with your husband about that. On the other hand, if you’re kind of excited-yet-terrified about the possibility of just going for it, think about why that is too.
Last, this article really helped me: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
It’s about coming to a crossroads in your life and thinking about making a huge change. Specifically having a kid. But I think it could really be applied to any big decision. I read it dozens of times, cried my eyes out each time. Still love it.
cc
Hey OP, I’ve been cc for about 5 years on this site. I know its not very original but just letting you know
cc-not
Thanks for the heads up! I change names regularly so I’ll switch no problem.
And to CPA Lady, thanks for your comment very nice to hear someone else’s experience with this.
AIMS
Has anyone rented a car from ACE? I read a bunch of negative reviews online but they have such cheap rates that I am tempted to write off the complaints as “no one posts about having a perfectly fine car rental experience….”
tesyaa
We rented from Fox (similarly cheap) and had a bad experience – no car available, promised reimbursement delayed and smaller than expected. So the reviews might mean something.
LF
I have not because I was similarly turned off by the bad reviews. I have had very good luck going on Priceline and “naming my own price” at the last minute – have rented cars as cheap as $7-10/day + taxes and fees from the major rental car companies.