Weekend Open Thread

weekend open thread - narsSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

I’m on the hunt for new blush, ladies — what are you liking? I really liked Nars Orgasm (pictured) but then it shattered (yaaaay), then I bought Tarte blush, which is OK but a bit bright for me. Do you have any bronzer/blush combos you like? Failing any good suggestions I think I’ll just get another order of Nars, which is $30 at Nordstrom. Nars Blush



  1. Earlier today I accidentally posted this on yesterdays’ thread so I am trying again…

    I’m in the market for se new jeans but I’m having a hard time finding any I like. I want some made of thick no stretch heavy-ish material I remember was standard as recently as 10 years ago. But *everything* I see now has stretch or polyester blended in. I think raw denim would be overkill and too high maintenance for me… Is there anything in between? Thanks for any recommendations!

    • Anonymous :

      When I was last in at the Gap, the sales associate told me they were doing a big redesign for spring (in stores Feb?) that was supposed to be more reminiscent of their earlier sort of denim (heavier weight) and styling. I’ll believe it when I see it, but might be something to watch for over the next month.

    • Land’s End jeans have just a very tiny amount of spandex (I think maybe 2%) and are much heavier weight than any others I’ve seen in years. I love them.

    • If you are willing to spend big… Imogene & Willie brand, model is “James”. 100% denim, 13.5 oz
      They are a Nashville company.

    • Anonymous :

      try Madewell, too. They have “vintage-y” styles w/ thick denim, especially in their boyfriend-cut jeans.

  2. Due to being underweight to start with and then a recent bout with GERD where I haven’t wanted to eat much, I find myself exhausted and lacking energy/physical strength. So I’ve seen a doctor for meds for reflux, but in addition to that – any thoughts on simple foods that can build up strength – that also aren’t rough on the stomach/hard to digest? I’m looking for stories of – my 90 yr old grandmother swears by eating x daily and she worked on her farm until she was 80 (exaggerated, but you get my point).

    Honestly all I can think of are apples and Kind bars – both of which I’ve been consuming but may be too fibrous to eat all the time. How about chicken noodle soup/chicken broth – is there any value in those bouillon cubes or is it all sodium?

    Normally I wouldn’t care as this has happened before, but I need to be on the road for work for a week (leaving 8 days from now) and I want to ensure that I do ok with that bc I’ll be “on” in front of new colleagues for a whole week. I want to be able to keep up of course, but I also want to feel well bc it’s one thing to be able to retreat to your own office and shut the door when you need to and it’s another to have to be on in conference rooms for 6 straight days including the stress of lunches and dinners when you know you need to eat in front of others but are scared of anything upsetting your stomach. Looking for suggestions for the next week while I’m home and then after that when I’m on the road.

    Surely some of the hive is used to life on the road and dealing with such issues?

    • Anonymous :

      I feel like your doctor should be able to answer this question. If not, get a referral to a specialist who has more knowledge. There are also lots of “GERD diets” online.

      • N.C. anon :

        I second this. I had GERD quite bad a few years ago. There’s a lot of trial and error involved in figuring out what foods triggers acid reflux for you and what doesn’t. For some people dairy is fine, but for others it is the worst culprit.

        I assume you’re taking some kind of medication to address the side effects? I was prescribed Prilosec (which is best consumed about an hour before eating) and Zantac (after eating). Later, I’ve used the OTC versions in the same way to good result. Another thing that can help is elevating the head of your bed (or getting a pillow that elevates your upper body).

    • Anonymous :

      When I was pregnant and dealing with hyperemesis for the entire 9 months, my OB advised me to eat protein-rich snacks for steady energy. I lived on cheese sticks and little packets of nuts. I also tolerated eggs relatively well. I could not eat refined sugar, meat, poultry, fish, many fruits, or crackers without throwing up, but I could handle the nuts and cheese.

    • I have digestive issues too, but not GERD. Cooked foods are easier on the digestive track, I would look for those while out for a conference. If you can eat dairy, I would try plain, low sugar, greek yogurt with almond butter swirled in. That way you get protein and a lot of calories, but the yogurt and the nut butter is easily digestible (better than raw nuts). Have you tried Ensure?

      • Midwest Mama :

        I was going to recommend Ensure as well. I’m not sure of the ingredients w/r/t GERD, but when my dad was going through chemo and losing weight he would drink Ensure.

        • I had eating problems, and lost a lot of weight, years ago. I wasn’t actually diagnosed to have anorexia, but it happened around a very stressful and busy time of my life. My therapist recommended Ensure, and it really helped me. I don’t remember having GERD or even dyspepsia back then, so can’t comment on how it would affect that.
          Hope this helps!

        • Yes to Ensure. When my mom was going through chemo that is all she could keep down for a while. She greatly preferred the Ensure Clear to the more milkshake one.

    • Anonymous :

      Can you do protein shakes? I was on a liquid diet and drank a lot of Vega One shakes that I mixed in a shaker cup. They have little packets that you could travel with and I usually mixed with milk, but you could do water or almond milk. Pretty easy. I also ate a lot of Breyer’s Natural Vanilla ice cream – lots of calories and energy and low fat, if that would work for you. Bananas I think would also fit. Simple carbs are all easy to digest – white bread, oatmeal, etc. Ginger tea is soothing. I was told to eat as much as I could and not worry about nutrition as much for now – focus on calories. More calories will help you heal faster.

    • I have GERD. It has vastly improved now that I have been on medication for about a year and mostly following the GERD diet, but initially it was a challenge to figure out what I could eat since most of my favorite foods were triggers. Cutting out alcohol, caffeine and chocolate all at once was not fun! Here are my recommendations.
      Breakfast: Oatmeal with walnuts/dried fruit/banana or fruit smoothie. I started drinking decaf black tea (put bags in your purse when traveling) as I missed my morning coffee. On the road, Starbucks has the yogurt parfaits or egg white spinach wraps, which I find easy to digest and filling.
      Lunch: Rice and bean dishes, some veggie sandwiches with hummus/avocado are surprisingly filling. I also kept full fat greek yogurt at the office and would mix with nut butters or jam in the late afternoon or eat an apple/nut butter. Individual applesauces.
      Dinner: Really a pain when you are not at home. Most restaurants are going to have a grilled chicken breast sandwich or similar that you can eat with avocado. I got into white and pesto pizzas. At home I eat a lot of roasted sweet potatoes/veggies and pork tenderloin, grilled chicken breast. Tomatillos/green salsa are okay to have with GERD.

      However, the best advice to is to remain sitting up as long as you can after eating (doctor recommended 3 hours, I usually make it 2 before bed) and slightly elevate the head of your bed (we put extra stone pavers under ours and even that extra few inches made me feel more rested in the morning).Good luck!

      • Oh and you will eventually figure out your triggers. I’m fine with garlic, cooked onions , dairy, but any tomato product is still a terrible idea. I can tolerate a cup of caffeinated tea or half a glass of wine but no coffee. There is a lot of trail and error.

    • You may also want to look into Soylent (yes, really). It is a company in No Cal that has developed a “shake” that provides the full nutritional profile for adults. It is very plain to drink, but you can add in flavors that you like (fruit, chocolate, vanilla, matcha, etc.). It’s available in both powder and pre-prepared liquid forms, and I think it has way less sugar than Ensure. It does contain some soy, so if you are sensitive that might be an issue, but worth a look.

    • Anonymous :

      Your doctor could refer you to a nutritionist.

    • As someone with digestive stuff I would actually stay away from raw nuts and oatmeal (like found in Kind bars) and raw fruit (like apples – all those are triggers for me. For children with upset stomaches they always suggest the BRAT diet. Banana, rice, applesauce, toast. Which are all easy on the belly.

      If you need to gain weight – i would google chemo smoothies. There are a bunch of recipes but the idea is that htey help you bulk up when you are losing too much weight. If you are fine with soy – one has soft tofu in it and it really helps.

      I would talk to your doctor though and a nutritionist.

    • DeadQuoteOlympics :

      I have GERD, and as others have said, it takes some time to figure out what sets you off. High fat anything, particularly cheeses, are worse for me than cooked onions or tomatoes, etc. And raisins are instant death for me. A travel friendly nourishing broth you might try instead of boullion or hot tea is Minute Miso — it’s instant miso that you mix with hot water, comes in a bottle. I do rely on chicken noodle soup, chicken pho, and other kinds of chicken broth for easy to digest fast meals. I’d be wary of high sodium foods like a lot of instant soup, that usually isn’t a good idea for me. The commenter GERD has a lot of suggestions that have worked for me; omelettes are good depending on the filling, broiled or grilled white fish (I can eat any fish but you might be cautious about more fatty fish like salmon), pizza with feta cheese instead of regular cheese, might work for you. I’m so sorry — it’s really rough but you can learn to adjust, and my meds allow me to drink caffeine in the form of skim lattes — as long as I give up alcohol, chocolate, French fries, Thai food (sob)…..

    • Peanut butter toast!

    • What you need is a registered dietician, not a nutritionist (anyone can call themselves a nutritionist) . i suggest asking your insurance company or employee assistance program.

      Beans are high protein. Think hummus.

      Good luck.

  3. I was at a business dinner, and the guy next to me was talking about how a certain executive judges men by their shoes. Apparently, he can tell who is an “engineer”, “operations guy”, “executive” by their shoes and their socks. I chimed in and wondered aloud if he did the same thing with women because we have more variation in our shoes, so it might be harder. Pretty harmless comment, I thought. The guy immediately shut down and said, “Yeah, I’m not going there.” And the conversation ended. Why does everything about women have to be so *fraught*?! Even the fact that we wear shoes is not a subject for polite conversation. Ugh.

    • Anonymous :

      I would interpret this as him saying he didn’t want to start talking about judging women by their shoes, because he didn’t want to say anything $exist or offensive, not that he was offended by your comment.

    • Oh, I know. But it’s like seriously – men’s shoes convey power, and women’s shoes are sexy and taboo. It’s a little thing but it’s everything.

      • Yeah, I don’t like comments like this either. White people sometimes say similar things regarding race. The implication is that what is considered offensive is so arbitrary (and so not worth learning about) that you just don’t say anything (amirite guys?) One time in grad school a male classmate apologized to me for mentioning that a woman was attractive in front of me. It was because I had just been trying to explain that his feeling that our female professor was ugly was not a basis for complaining about her teaching. The fact that he thought the two situations were equivalent was telling.

        • “The implication is that what is considered offensive is so arbitrary (and so not worth learning about) that you just don’t say anything (amirite guys?)”

          +10000000. So well-said.

      • Anonymous :

        Plus ours have more variety (sorry, dudes) and are subject to more… specific adjectives.

        • Baconpancakes :

          I think the problem is that women’s shoes are interpreted as conveying personal traits (prude, mom, frumpy, sl*t, high-maintenance, impractical) whereas men’s shoes convey professional classifications.

          • Wildkitten :


          • I agree.

            The point is, that it is a part of the male privilege that he is not affected by the ways women are judged and can choose not to think or talk about it.

    • You may enjoy this article, a woman points out a double standard that men use on social media. If you want to laugh/Internet judge (sh!rtless guys warning, but nothing else) http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/01/22/meg-hungry-hungry-hypocrites

  4. I thinky ou should try something like Ensure…but double check with your doctor first. It’s pretty easy on the stomach and has nutrition, but also a fair amount of sugar. I know someone who literally live on it (with doctor’s approval) due to health problems that made swallowing solid food really difficult.

  5. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open Thread’s, especialy if I am the first to p’ost! Thank’s Kat and Kate for another great week of information!

    Did anyone hear about the fact that LSATs are at there all time low? I read on the ABA website that this will signal more troubel’s ahead, as those law student’s go thru law school then take the bar and then become attorney’s! We are haveing alot of troubel finding a replacement for Mason. Now that I am a partner, I need an asociate to offload work to but Mason was useless (other then to provide comfort to Lynn). The manageing partner has told me very FIRMLY to get a new asociate, but NOT a looser.

    I do NOT understand why we havent found more candidate’s– we asked the judge for recomendation’s and he has a freind with a daughter that cannot find legal work, so I asked the manageing partner and he was NOT anxius to interview her until he saw a picture of her. I said it does NOT matter what she look’s like as long as she is legaly abel to make apearances in court for me. But then the manageing partner said NO, I must continue to make ALL apearances, even tho he was OK on Mason doing minesterial stuff in court when I could NOT. I think the Judge and him talked and agreed that I must be the ONLEY one that apear’s in front of him. FOOEY b/c I do NOT like traveling to Foley Square in the winter. There is to much schlush in the street down there and guy’s stare at me and sometimes call out to me when I come up on Chambers street. DOUBEL FOOEY on those men!

    This weekend, Dad is driveing in to help me buy a TV. He agreed that the IRS rule made littel sense, and that if I had an Elyptical in my home office, I should be abel to have a TV. He said I should get a 42″ HTDV, and he said SAMSUNG. Does any one in the HIVE know if this is a good TV? He said he will go to P.C. Richard’s to see what they have, but I should NOT spend more then $500. Does this sound right? Is there other place’s I should look? HELP!

    Anyway, thank’s to Kate and Kat and the entire HIVE for the suport they provide to all of us! YAY!!!

  6. I LOVE this palette. I’m not confident that I could actually accomplish much with a contour palette, but the bronzer/blush/highlighter combination is perfect and I think it’s reasonably priced. You can swipe across all three for a pretty color too, rather than applying different colors to different spots. I’ve been a big Bare Minerals fan and loved their warmth for years, but got talked into this the last time I was in Ulta and it has stolen my heart.


    • Anonymous :

      Is there any material difference between Ulta and Sephora. I don’t routinely shop for makeup and if I were to play around with some, would either do? Or some place like an Aveda salon?

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        Either would do for playing around with makeup. Ulta carries some cheaper brands you see in drugstores that Sephora doesn’t carry, Sephora carries some more expensive lines you won’t find at Ulta. Ulta also has more hair products than Sephora (I’m not sure if Sephora has any, at least that I’ve noticed).

      • Wildkitten :

        They’re pretty similar. I prefer Sephora but if an Ulta is closer, do it.

      • Anonymous :

        Not similar at all. I don’t shop at Ulta. Ultra is more like CVS.

    • Anonymous :


      I actually posted about this palette yesterday. It was in my makeup bag. Which I lost. But I’ve been thinking about replacing it I miss it so much.

  7. Anonymous :

    I’m at a super small law firm (two partners and me) and I just found out that my bosses eloped!

    Does anyone work for or with a married couple?

    • Wildkitten :

      …Did you know they were dating?

      • I LOL’d at your questions, but seriously?? Cause if not, whoa.

        • Honestly…I had no idea. This was not common knowledge. At all.

          • hoola hoopa :


            My small company (~300 ppl) have several married/in-relationship couples, but I’ve never worked with both partners at the same time on the same project. To my knowledge, there’s never been an issue and if they kept their courtship so quiet this long, I’m guessing (??) that it will be smooth sailing.

    • Also anon :

      …my firm’s a tiny bit bigger, but same thing happened here. It’s a little awkward.

    • Little Red :

      No, but if they managed to so successfully managed to separate their work from their romantic relationship that you were unaware of it, I think things will be okay.

    • my bosses are married! :

      I have! For several couples over the years, actually. Like anything else, it can be good or bad depending on their relationship. I’d let them set a tone re: how personal lives are shared in the office, but also feel free to kindly set some boundaries if need be. (if they’ve kept it quiet for this long, though, maybe that’s not an issue)

      The two larger things to look out for are:
      1. Some married couples work together because they trust each other and love spending time with each other, but don’t necessarily share the same goals for the business. This can have a negative impact on growth (the company’s, and yours) over time. If this is the case, be proactive about leaving when you’re ready to move up.
      2. I worked for married couples very early in my career, and it put me in a “daughter” position that was difficult to transition out of. It feels warm and fuzzy at first, but over time is not so great. Try to avoid this at all costs if you are significantly younger than they are.

    • Before becoming a lawyer, I was a paralegal at a small firm founded and run by a married couple. It was great. I’m sure it could be bad depending on the people, but it doesn’t have to be!

    • I feel like I am always the last person to know if co-workers are dating. At one point in time when I was younger and more into gossip, this bothered me. Now, I’m ok with it. I really don’t WANT to know about your personal life! As long as your bosses keep it professional, you should be OK! Good luck.

  8. For those looking for an inexpensive drugstore brand, I use the peachy color of the E.L.F. brand. It just gives a pretty, happy glow that looks pretty natural on my very pale skin.

    • My favorite blush in the universe is Lancome Blush Subtil in Mocha Havana. Looks dark but I am a ruddy blonde and it really evens out the red.

    • I have nars orgasm, but I look deathly pale without bronzer. I’m absolutely in love with the Revlon highlighter palette (they’re in bars but I just swirl them all together) in “Peach Glow”, and it’s like 12 bucks. I use it as blush/bronzer, I don’t think you really could kim Kardashian highlight with it

    • Anonymous :

      Cargo blush, especially the waterproof ones, are really great!

  9. Any DC ‘r e t t e s have suggestions for activities to get outside this weekend? I’m just so tired of being indoors!

    I was thinking of going to the mountains for a hike, but my out of town visitor didn’t bring the right clothes for that.

    Would it be a wasted trip to go to Monticello with it still all snowy? It’s definitely on my Must Do list at some point.

    Is there something closer? Mount Vernon comes to mind, but it might be in the same shape as Monticello. The National Arboretum might be a possibility, but I’d like to get out of the city.

    I’ve only been to Annapolis on a warm summer day – is it enjoyable in winter?

    Other thoughts?

    • Wildkitten :

      Get tickets for Monticello if you go.

    • Anonymous :

      Did they bring anything for easier hikes (eg towpath and observatory of Great Falls if not the full Billy goat trail)? What about just walking around a nice neighborhood with somtores and restaurants to jump into when you get cold (Annapolis, old town, Georgetown)? Ice skating at the sculpture garden plus a museum or stroll on the mall?

      • Anonymous :

        Ha– somtores = stores.

      • I feel like there are so many nice city walks in DC that will get you outside but not be hardcore outdoorsy. The mall of course, Rock Creek, Dumbarton Oaks (if it’s open this time of year?), etc. Last year I was in town for a conference at one of the hotels at Woodley Park and took one friend on a walk down Conn Ave to Dupont, it was beautiful, and another over to Adams Morgan. Lots of places to eat, drink, shop, but you’re walking around outside.

    • Anonymous :

      I actually think Annapolis is fine in the winter. There’s enough shops and places to eat and the boat docks still look beautiful. Go for a brunch and leisurely walk/shopping. Our go-to activity in the winter is antiquing in Frederick, MD. There’s a few great antique stores and good places for lunch/brunch. What about Great Falls on the VA side? You could go hiking without it being intense.

      • Annapolis :

        I live in Annapolis. They’re remodeling the docks right now so they aren’t so pretty. But the statehouse looks nice covered in snow

  10. Paging Dress shields :

    I saw a post about dress shields and sweat in the post about Gailia Flats but I was a little late to the party.

    My cousin had problems with excess sweating. I’m not saying that’s what is going on here, but I ended up using the same product she did. There is product called ‘Drysol’. You put it on once a week or so at night anywhere that sweating is a problem (armpits, palms, wherever) In some places you need a prescription but it can be bought over the counter in Canada as well as online.

    I barely sweat at all since I started using it. Obviously if I am exercising or something I still do, but all the white tshirts and camisoles I bought for under my blouses at work don’t have so much as a hint if yellow months later. I have no problem with my silk shirts either. The results have been great and I wish I had found that stuff years ago.

    • Dress shields :

      That was me yesterday – thanks for the recommendation, but I’m really trying to avoid aluminum, artificial fragrances, etc. in deodorants. I’ve also heard that aluminum is what stains shirts in the first place! I’m glad it’s working well for you though.

      • I have one of the clinical/stronger strength deodorants without any of that in it. Since I put it on the night before, it doesn’t tend to stain my clothes as other deodorants do.

        I can’t think of the name, but it’s in the common drugstores and such around here. It has fragrance and non, so I just pick the non.

  11. Downtown SJ :

    Any r e t t e s living in Downtown San Jose these days? I’m moving there next month and would love advice on places to go/things to do/eat/see in the area. Recommendations for a good eyebrow waxing place and nail salon also appreciated :-)

    If anyone would be interested in doing a meetup or just having coffee/cocktail I would love to get to know people in the area as well!

    • Paging KPadi :

      KPadi lives in SJ/Santa Clara area

    • The hosts of the Knitmore Girls podcast live in San Jose – if you send them an email I’m sure they would give you some recommendations.

    • anonypotamus :

      regular reader, occasional poster – I’m in SJ and would love to do a meetup/coffee/cocktail and am happy to provide recommendations. welcome!

      • Downtown SJ :

        Thank you! I’m in the regular reader/occasional poster category as well. This is a big move for me so hoping to get as much advice on the area as possible!

    • Yep! Still in San Jose. We haven’t done a meetup in awhile. When are you moving? Maybe we can get together in 2 months? I sometimes lurk here and not post so if you have questions, just post them!

      • So, in downtown San Jose, there is San Pedro Square with a foodcourt, outdoor seating, live music, and booze. There are a number of good places to eat on the Paseo. The SoMA area is trying to get an art scene going and there are some good coffee shops and restaurants down there.

        My newest hangout is Be The Change Yoga on 1st street. It is a really great, donation-based yoga studio.

        For hair, I see Leslie at Do or Dye Salon (not downtown but a quick drive). I have yet to even look for a nails place downtown (oops!) but I usually go to the place in the same strip mall as Leslie. For massages, I highly recommend Cynthia at Astounding Massage Management.

        There is a strip mall with Target, costplus, and Trader Joes just north of downtown. The closest large Safeway grocery store is west on San Carlos. There is a smaller and more expensive one at 2nd and San Fernando. For gas, I usually fill up in Mountain View (it’s complicated).

        • Downtown SJ :

          Thank you so much! I’m moving in March 1 so I guess its one month away and not two at this point. Would love to do a meetup anytime after then :-)

          I haven’t heard of the SoMA area in SJ so will definitely check that out. I’ve been to San Pedro market a few times and really liked it.

          Also any advice on gyms? The City Sport by the airport seems to be new/clean/reasonable distance from my place and a decent price. Have you tried it out?

          • I’m in San Francisco now but lived within walking distance of downtown SJ for about a year. I really liked Central YMCA on the Alameda–decent equipment, wide variety of classes, nice people. I particularly liked their TRX classes, which were free (unlike lots of other places, which charge an extra fee for TRX). My husband occasionally uses Fitness Evolution downtown and says it’s “fine” and whether he thinks it’s worth joining depends on what they’d charge (he uses it for free when his office building’s gym is closed).

    • SillyValley :

      No downtown waxing recs, but I’ve had good experiences at The Wax Bar in downtown Campbell and Stript in Willow Glen. For nails, I like Trang (and coworkers) at Natural Nails in Willow Glen – she used to work at the natural nails place inside Whole Foods before it closed last year, and started her own salon after. It’s inside a bigger day spa, so the nail space isn’t the biggest, but they do a really good job and everything’s low-toxin. The ‘one of everything’ shopping area closest to downtown is probably the one at Coleman and Taylor that padi mentioned: there’s a Target, a Trader Joe’s, a Cost Plus, a Office Max (?), a Panera, a few more restaurants…

      There’s a First Friday event the first Friday of every month down in the SoFA district of downtown SJ, with art galleries and such staying open late with free admission. Some months there’s also a street fair/vendor thing on First Street. I believe the San Pedro Square farmers market is still on Fridays lunchtime, although it may not be year-round. There are a bunch more farmers markets around, each with its own character and pluses and minuses.

      Seeing a hockey game at the Tank (aka SAP Center) is always fun – this year they’ve added a minor league team, the Barracuda, and the tickets for that are less pricey than tickets to the Sharks if you want to try it out without spending $$. There’s the usual concerts and events at SAP Center, there’s musical theatre and a ballet…

      The weekly free paper is the Metro, easy to find on street corners and in shops, and it’s good to pick up if you want to know what events are going on or what new restaurants have opened.

  12. So this afternoon I ruined yet another pair of heels on cobblestones. It’s inevitable–I have to walk outside frequently in my job, and even treading carefully my heels frequently slide between cobblestones. Even small heels (2-3″) have fallen to these troublesome walkways! I have two questions I hope someone can help with:
    (1) is there any way to repair a heel when the leather or suede gets wrinkled up (think it you took a hard surface against fabric and pushed it up 0.5 inches)? I have cut the leather and used the permanent marker/nail polish fixes in the past, but today it happened to blue suede shoes.
    (2) any suggestions for subtle heel caps that could protect my heels in the future?


    • Wildkitten :


    • Anonymous :

      A shoe repair shop should be able to unwrinkle the leather and glue it back into place, as long as the leather is still there and wasn’t torn off. Wedges are the only preventative measure I’ve found that works.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes. Absolutely yes to both posters.

        Cobbler can do wonders.

        And wedges are the answer. Otherwise I wear wider block heels (caps + narrow heels are not effective for me) and avoid tender fabrics like suede or brighter colored shoes outside where the likelihood of a mar is high. There’s no hope….

        I’m hard on my shoes. I guess it’s just the way I walk. And delicate heels aren’t really made for the elements.

        • All this. Depending on how bad it is cobbler can either pull down the leather and re-glue or just re-do it if it’s something basic like black leather. This last looks brand new but of course is subject to the same issue coming up again. I’ve basically given up on delicate heels of any height in any distinctive leather that I can’t easily replicate outside, save for a few special occasions when I just try to be very careful and hope for the best. My solution for walking outside is wedges, blockier heels or plain black leather pumps that are easy enough to fix.

    • Anonymous :

      Walk on the balls of your feet when on cobblestones. Great for your calves too. :)

    • I JUST found out about something called heel protectors (like 45 minutes ago). They’re made of plastic or silicone and just fit around the heel. It’s supposed to help with heels sinking into grass, gravel, etc.

      There are good reviews on Amazon for a few different brands, I think I’m going to order some today.

    • Or maybe women just shouldn’t wear shoes that don’t work with any environment that isn’t paved asphalt/concrete or carpet or the inside of a stripper parlor. Oh, the stupidity of heels and trying to protect them….[deleted rant against fellow womankind].

  13. Anon for this RANT :

    I’m at a new company and I can’t figure out my expense report, so I call for help. They assume I am some executive’s assistant and keep asking about “his” expenses and “his receipts” etc., etc. I’m silently annoyed but figure it’s too much trouble to bother, I’ll just get my info and hang up. At the end of the call, I’m asked for my company ID so they can document the call. I say I’m actually the employee we’re talking about. The woman on the phone says “oh, sorry sweetheart”.
    I’m not a *!*!ing sweetheart, I’m not a *!*!ing assistant, and all executives are not *!*!ing men.
    UGH I want to SCREAM.

    • Wildkitten :

      I’d let the sweetheart thing slide but smash the patriarch for everything else, for sure.

      • Anon for this RANT :

        Haha yeah, usually the little things like that don’t actually bother me, but this time it was the straw that broke the camels back.

    • “So for his expenses” “Oh, these are actually my expenses; calling on behalf of myself” is not too much trouble to add in the beginning.

    • Meg March :

      Ugh, I hate when this happens, but I think a gentle correction right at the start might have been the way to go. This might also be a sign that expenses are something you should hand off to your secretary, if you have one. I know when I switched jobs, I was astounded by all the little things they wanted me to hand over to my secretary (my old job did not have a secretary, so that was all new).

      • Meg Murry :

        +1 to this – or if you are too junior to directly hand them off to a secretary/Admin Asst, you can probably get in-person help from one in your department rather than call that help line again

      • Anon for this RANT :

        Alas, no assistant. And the admin for my department bristles when anyone but the top boss ask her for these things. It did make me miss my law firm when I had a MALE assistant do these things for me.

    • Anonymous :

      That would annoy me, but also tells me you can now have your assistant do your expenses from now on.

  14. Corporate Writing Sample? :

    I’m a midlevel in corporate trying to lateral. I have an interview on Monday and my legal recruiting contact just asked me to forward my writing sample. Help! What do people usually use for this? All of the agreements I’ve drafted have been negotiated and written based on precedents so definitely not exclusively my writing. Would an 8-K work? Would I need to redact an 8-K even though its already publicly available on EDGAR? Thanks!

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve never heard of needing a writing sample for corporate law. Perhaps the recruiter means a deal sheet?

      • I’m in a transactional practice and always ask to see one. The best writing samples are those where you had to get a little bit outside of the precedential box – a deal that was a little bit weird, an 8-K with unusual content, etc. A client alert can also work well. I prefer to see the version that the associate sent to the more senior attorney for review (so not the final product, if the final product reflected significant revisions by a senior associate/partner).

        • Ummm you prefer to see attorney work product? I hate this preference. You can see a final filed public document. Not my initial draft because privilege, and you should get that.

          • Yes, I do. Redacted appropriately. Because the public document was revised by people with a lot more experience than you, and I’m not hiring them.

    • Fellow mid level lateral here. What about a DD memo or some other memo/email summarizing terms of an agreement for a client? Ever write memos for a client on post-closing issues that have arisen or a thorny issue a client had w a deal? Ever outline their options for structuring something? Also, if I was interviewing with someone who wanted me to provide a contract draft where I was thinking outside the box to solve a client issue or whatever, I’d just vomit in my mouth a little bit and pass on that opportunity (who takes writing samples that seriously?). Redact whatever you send.

      • I take writing samples that seriously – it’s one of your most important skills as a junior associate. Seriously, if you can’t write well by the time you’re a mid-level, I don’t want to hire you.

      • I mean – and this is an honest question – if the writing sample’s not important, in your view, what is? By the time someone has been practicing for 3-4 years, I don’t think that their transcript matters that much. It’s very hard to get a good sense of a candidate from a 30-minute interview (particularly given that lots of my colleagues tend to just want to chat about where the candidate went to school or ask softball questions like where the candidate wants to be in five years or why the candidate is interested in this opportunity). The writing sample is pretty much the only thing I can get that shows me what the candidate is actually capable of in terms of analytical and drafting skills.

  15. Contracts :

    I have been really happy with Milani blushes. They are great quality for a drug store brand. I use “Rose d’Oro” (rose gold) in the winter and “Luminoso” (peachy-pink) in the summer.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I really loved my Benefit Dandelion for a natural-looking blush. It’s pretty close in color to NARS Orgasm, but I also love that Benefit’s blushes smell delightful. No recs for a bronzer/blush combo.

      • Dandelion has been on my wishlist for ages… glad to hear it’s good!

  16. Anonymous :

    What magazines do you love? I’m feeling magazine-ey today

    • Garden & Gun

      • Yes. And The Oxford American. In both the quality of the writing is so good that I regularly read articles on subjects that don’t particularly interest me, and thoroughly enjoy them. A 2010 article by Tom Brokow about his hunting dogs brought me to tears. I don’t hunt. I don’t come from hunting people. Frankly, I would rather not think about hunting. But this article just got me, and at least part of it was the quality of the writing.

    • Anonymous :

      My favorites used to be…

      New Yorker
      Strad (I’m a musician)

      and the occasional Vogue/Elle etc.. to look at the beautiful ads!

    • N.C. anon :

      If it’s easily available by you, I love Sunset. Here in North Carolina, I like Our State. And I always want to look through Cooking Light when I’m waiting in line at the grocery store.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Bon Appetit.

    • Cinnamon Gelato :

      Atlantic, Vogue, Elle, Yoga Journal, Elle Decor

    • Mary Ann Singleton :

      I love the Texture app which lets me read all my favorite magazines on my phone or ipad. I curate my selection, which is at the moment Outside, Bicycling, Dwell, Real Simple, Sunset, Vanity Fair, the New Yorker, Nat Geo and yes, Us Weekly. I pick articles at random and read before bed.

    • In Style for the outfits they put together in their “wear this” feature.
      The New Yorker and Vanity Fair for long reads
      The Economist for international stories
      Cook’s Illustrated for geeky recipes and product reviews

    • Vanity Fair. I’ve had a subscription since college

    • Vanity Fair.

  17. How does everyone wear blush? I have a pretty round/heart-shaped face and no cheekbones to speak off, so I grin real big and put it on the apples of my cheeks and brush back. I like the look of people wearing blush lower on the cheeks and highlighting on the apples, but I am afraid with my round face it would just look like I missed.

    • Anonymous :

      If you want to put highlighter on the apples of your cheeks, try bronzer below it instead of blush. Sort of contouring lite.

    • I also have a round face and no cheekbones. I apply a swath of bronzer diagonally underneath my apples and then put blush on my apples. It’s very subtle but does slim my face slightly and give the impression of cheekbones.

    • lawsuited :

      There are two ways of applying highlighter: in a streak (from just under the temple to the tip of the cheekbone) and in a halo (in a circle on the cheek focusing on the top of the cheek). I have round cheeks, and find that the halo works best, so I put on my blush as you describe and then highlight on top. I’ve not done an awesome job of describing it, but Wayne Goss has a good youtube video on the halo technique that I recommend you check out.

  18. Honeycrisp :

    Update from last weekend’s open thread: my FedEx package finally showed up! No idea where it was before, but I’m thrilled that it finally showed up before I asked the artist to make a lost package claim.

  19. Pet peeve rant to finish off the week:

    Why do people insist on calling me by a shortened version of my name when I have NEVER introduced myself as that or signed emails with it. My name is actually not “Liz.” It is Elizabeth as it has been in every email/phone call/arggg!!

    • That is frustrating. I have the reverse problem— I only introduce myself as “Liz,” I sign all emails “Liz Last Name” and I answer the phone “This is Liz.” But some people still call me “Elizabeth” because the email system and our caller ID have my “official” name and nicknames aren’t allowed. I always feel like people are mad at me when they call me “Elizabeth.”

      • hoola hoopa :

        I was going to mention this as a culprit. For example, there are three contacts for one of my current projects whose official name in the phone/email system is “Jennifer.” However, two of them go by “Jen”. Sometime, I admit, I get it wrong.

    • Baconpancakes :

      People have mental shortcuts, and once they set their shortcut for your name, it’s hard to change it. My name is spelled one way, and people will reply to an email with it spelled the more common way after 5 emails when I write out my name my preferred way in each signature.

    • My name has only one N in it. This is the usual, common spelling – the spelling that is literally thousands of years old. So many people insist on adding a second N for reasons that completely escape me. It’s right there in front of you on my email! What’s your deal?!

      • Maybe I’m just extra considerate? I always make it a point to check how people sign their email before I respond, and if I accidentally screw up with more Ns or something, I apologize and correct it in the next email. I sort of get it if you are a crazy busy executive or something, but I see people at all levels/ages doing this!

      • My name is Lily so I totally feel your pain. Once I got an email addressed to Lucy, which at least was new…

    • Anonymous preggo :

      Have you ever seen this?


      It’s funny to me, because I had to schedule an appointment with Congressman once. You can bet I was sure to use her full name…and I’m generally very hesitant to shorten a person’s name unless they’ve told me to do so.

      • Jinx!!

      • That was a very rude exchange. I don’t like being called by nicknames either or by the close-but-not-quite name (like Joanne vs Joanna or Kristin v. Christine), but when it happens I gently correct the person or shrug it off if it doesn’t matter (like at Starbucks).

        There are honest mistakes – I once honestly could have sworn a boss went by Charlie but in fact went by Charles. (Luckily, I never said it to his face, a colleague said, “oh, you mean Charles? I don’t think he goes by Charlie.”)

        But there are also people that just shorten people’s names because they think that’s normal … this is a big reason why I have lean towards naming my kids names without nicknames because you may introduce yourself as James but there will always be one person who insists on calling you Jim!

        • Ha, I had a colleague who went by Charles, and would glower at anyone who persisted on calling him Charlie. Except the one director who decided to call him Charlie and even once corrected by HER boss, continued to call him Charlie. He decided to make a big point of it that she was allowed to call him that (very politik of him), but no one else.

        • Anonymous :

          I feel like people w/ a variation of Christine/Kristin/Krystin, etc. are particularly touchy about this… just in my experience.
          I have a difficult name. Sometimes people only read the first part of it & think I’m a guy. Sometimes they read the first part of my last name & think it’s a different female name. Sometimes they mishear & say a different name completely. One co-worker literally ALWAYS drops one of the letters in her pronunciation. I literally keep a funny photo album of starbucks misspellings (and when I say my name, I spell it out TWICE).
          If I spent anytime worrying about it- I’d worry my life away… I think this is something that people are a little too sensitive about. As long as you know it’s you they are referring to, why get upset?

          • Anonymous :

            +1 Brains are funny things – certain pronunciations or spelling get stuck in your head easier than others. Maybe you already know a Kristen really well, so the Kirstin at work keeps morphing into Kristen because that’s the well-worn path in the other person’s head.

            When my cousin Meredith was born I had the hardest time with her name – like could literally not make the name come out of my mouth. It kept transforming into Melissa or some other Me- name. Yes, I eventually got over it, but it took awhile.

            The only nickname I ever got really upset about was the stupid-a$$ one my roommates in colllege gave me that was overly cutesy. I don’t talk to them anymore for different (but related) reasons.

    • Is this you?


    • Anonymous :

      I received an e-mail from our external legal firm (a firm we subcontract to do routine work) where the attorney wrote my name slightly wrong six times. Think Elaine instead of Ellen. I refused to take advice from someone who couldn’t get a simple name right, and made our internal legal department eat the fee. So, these things are important.

    • Charmed Girl :

      Can I just co-sign this? If I wanted to be called the nickname, I would have introduced myself/ signed my email/ put it in my signature/ etc.

      To make it even harder, in my group is a junior person who goes by the nickname of my full name that everyone gravitates to. And then people mix us up. Fun times explaining…

    • Yes! I have a two part name (like Anne Marie), both short and not typically shortened. I always introduce myself by the full. The number of times a client asks for my name (after I’ve said it in introductions, obviously), I say “A-B”, and they respond “oh, thanks, A” is beyond ridiculous. And I don’t generally get upset with people shortening it, it’s just that they asked and then immediately took it upon themselves to change the name I said I wanted to be called.

      I also get annoyed on emails, especially since I always am very careful to check and so know it takes only an extra second to so.

  20. Does anyone have recommendations for a good home inspection person in Boston (city, not suburbs)? We are looking at a condo and want someone very good and thorough who will inspect both in-unit as well as the building. How much does it typically cost for a thorough inspection?

    • Your realtor should have ample experience with a very good home inspector, and if not, ask the realtor to speak with their branch manager. Caveat: Most realtors in Boston are completely lazy hacks, but…find a good one.

    • Anonymous :

      We used Tiger Home Inspection and were very happy with the results. (I believe the person who actually came out was Phil Cucchi.) He was extremely thorough and walked me (a first time home buyer) through a very detailed explanation of all of the things he was seeing. I believe the cost was $415.

      • Anonymous :

        Tiger was awful for our suburban home-maybe great for the city though!

        We actually didn’t use them, but the sellers of the house we were buying I see them to do a pre-sale inspection. Our inspector found over 20k of serious stuff that the first company just missed/didn’t document. I am happy to recommend who we used but again, this was a single family house in the ‘burbs build in the 20s, and old houses are a speciality if our guy.

        • Anonymous :

          Oh and ours was $400 in 2009 for a 1100 sq ft house and $550 in 2015 for a 3000 sq ft one

      • Anon at 5:05 :

        Fair enough. We bought a condo in Dorchester, building built in the 1890s. Our inspector went over the place with a fine tooth comb, and we were able to negotiate a significant closing cost adjustment (on a condo with 8 other bidders!) using the inspector’s report.

      • Thank you!! First time buyer as well so want someone who will walk me through things.

        • Anonymous :

          Hope you are still following – we used Wayne Robbins from Pro-Tech Consultants. We used him twice – his report killed our first offer (thank goodness). It was $640, he took about 4 hrs, and gave us incredibly helpful pointers along the way (you should insulate this door, here’s how this works, etc). He found a few issues we were able to negotiate on. He was super thorough and it was like having a handy uncle there giving us pointers.

  21. I’d love some advice on a family beach vacation this summer. 2 adults, 2 kids under 5, with a pretty active lifestyle. We’re looking for:

    * 8 hours or less driving time from NYC (not including traffic)
    * Clean, pretty, safe beaches with warm water in July/August. (2 small kids who can’t swim)
    * somewhere we can rent a condo or house within walking distance of a good beach. We really don’t want to have to drive to the beach.
    * Other activities in walking distance. Things we like include taking walks through a little town, restaurants/cafes/shops, a playground, etc. Things we’re not into: amusement parks, movies, malls, etc.
    * In terms of atmosphere, some data points: We went to Myrtle Beach once and that was the Wrong Choice for us. We’ve been to Delray Beach (in the summer) and liked it.

    Any thoughts? Should I be looking at Delaware, Virginia, the Outer Banks? Cape Cod?

    • Bewitched :

      Love, love, love Bethany Beach Delaware! Check in, use car once for groceries, and then relax all week!

      • I was also going to suggest this! We have gone to Bethany Beach or South Bethany for many years now and I really love it.

        • Bethany Beach looks lovely! This is exactly the kind of suggestion I was hoping for – thanks!

      • anon a mouse :

        Bethany is a great choice. But the water won’t be warm, at least not like Florida-warm. Though if you have 2 kids who can’t swim, you might want to find a property with a pool and hope to spend time there as much as at the beach.

        • We’re used to swimming on Long Island or other northeast beaches, so we’ll settle for “warm enough”. The kids will mostly play in the sand anyway. And that’s a good idea about the pool!

      • Baconpancakes :

        Seconded. Bethany Beach is very family-friendly, very cute, very non-commercial. The places within walking distance of the beach aren’t super cheap, but they’re manageable. There isn’t a ton to do in Bethany Beach, but there are a couple of restaurants (the taco place is worthwhile), a couple of independent shops, and open park areas.

        • OK, you all are completely convincing me. This is exactly what I was looking for in terms of town, atmosphere, etc. If there’s anything else I should know, like if it’s better to book along the north vs the south of the beach strip, or whatever, I’d love to hear it!

          • Bewitched :

            We have always rented a house to the east of the highway (e.g. nearer to the ocean). Many of the “older” homes have been torn down and replaced by mega mansions but there are still a number of smaller, single family homes for rent. Try First, Second or Third Streets, or possibly even some of the streets to the south of the town (closer to Fenwick Island). I like the streets mentioned because they are all on the boardwalk, so even if you don’t have an oceanfront home, you can walk up a block or two, and then walk down the boardwalk to town. There is a cute pirate themed mini golf in town and a couple of very nice restaurants. I think the water is warm enough, likely not as warm as NC but much much warmer than Maine! My kids have been going there for 15 years and they love it. Take a side trip to Ocean City, MD (10 miles away) if you want a night on a bigger boardwalk with more amusements and shops.

          • Anonymous :

            We go to Rehoboth in the same area. Similar vibe.

          • Anonymous :

            Side trip to Assateague for the wild ponies which is a national park. There is a building before the beach that has a Please Touch tank – and they have seasonal activities.

          • Meg March :

            Throwback to Misty!

    • Cape cod water won’t be warm in July/August or any time for that matter, but it probably fits your other requirements!

      • Anonymous :

        Yes, the cape is great. I grew up summering there and living in southern CT. The fm traffic from southern CT was brutal; I would really not think NYC to the Cape was worth it if there are better option.

      • It probably depends on what you think is warm, but as someone who grew up spending her summers on the Cape, I think the water in August feels like bathwater…

    • Hilton Head Island sounds perfect for you, but it’s way over your drive time limit. It’s a island full of beach homes, neighborhoods, game preserves and small quaint towns. We’re going there for the first time this summer with 2 kids under 10 and my in-laws. We’re renting a nice house with a pool and a 10 minute bike ride to the beach. I’ve researched it and it sounds very family friendly and people bike or walk everywhere. I’m looking forward to relaxing, cooking in a beautiful kitchen and exploring the island!

      I also dislike Myrtle Beach. The beach itself is okay, but the area felt run down and past it’s prime. XXX shops, old amusement park rides, junky beach wear stores, etc. It felt like a place to go for spring break with friends, not a family vacation.

    • Anonymous :

      Outer Banks sounds like a good fit for what you want, but it is more than 8 hrs from NYC I think. I love the Maine coast and the southern coast near Portland is definitely less than 8 hrs from NYC, but the water there is not warm. Maine would meet most of your other requirements though.

      • I live in NYC and my parents have a house in Duck, NC. It’s a good 10 hour drive even with traffic cooperating.

    • Anonymous :

      Outer banks would really fit the bill for you, but would be a long drive. I’d try renting a beachfront property on the cape.

      • +1 on Outerbanks. You could do a night in somewhere along the way (maybe in VA?) to break up the drive.

    • Anonymous :

      I like Ocean Isle and Sunset Beach on the southern coast of NC. Both islands are relatively quiet, almost entirely homes with a few condos, but you can cross to the mainland for grocery shopping pretty easily.

    • Cinnamon Gelato :

      Rehoboth Beach, Delaware has always been one of my favorite family vacation spots. It’s a walkable small town with a boardwalk and lots of places for rent on the beach or within easy walking distance of the beach. Lots of cute shops and restaurants and cafes. Yoga classes on the beach in the morning. Bikes for rent (can be ridden on the boardwalk before 9 or 10 am). State parks nearby with short hiking trails.

      • Anonymous :

        Check on the jersey beaches – I understand they got pretty torn up by the blizzard last weekend.

    • Anonymous :

      I really like Cape May in New Jersey. Easy drive from NYC, sweet beach, stuff to do.

    • N.C. anon :

      My two cents on the North Carolina options: My husband grew up near the beach. According to him, most people in Virginia skip the Virginia beaches and drive down to the Outer Banks. When we visit in the summer, it can be very traffic-heavy, and I would argue there’s not a lot to do there.

      My strong recommendation: Kure Beach. It’s budget-friendly, very local feeling, has an old-fashioned boardwalk with possibly the best donuts in the state, and it’s near the aquarium. It’s also close to Wilmington, so you have the options of a good-sized city nearby.

    • BeenThatGuy :

      I’m a HUGE fan of Long Beach Island. It’s the Jersey Shore without all the “Jersey Shore”. Rent a house on the north end (Harvey Cedars, North Beach, Loveladies).

    • lawsuited :

      Given your strong US dollar, I highly recommend you check out the Kawarthas in Ontario. It’s a very safe, family friendly area. Things to do: sailing, tubing, kayaking, swimming, eat the best ice cream in the whole world at Kawartha Dairy, studio tour of local artisans, explore a number of the surrounding towns. It’s like a little piece of heaven in the summer.

    • You can’t get anywhere in VA or farther south in less than 8 hours. But since I consider myself as having great taste in beaches from VA to Florida, here are the ones to go to if you decide to anyway. Kiawah/Sullivans/isle of palms (combined with flying into and seeing Charleston SC), St Simons Island or Sea Island, Georgia, Pawleys Island SC (where u should have gone instead of Myrtle), the northern outter banks (Corolla and Duck), Hilton Head (maybe).

    • Late to the game :

      Block Island – absolute perfection, and complete with the type of fun (and “wholesome”) summer activities I’d be wanting my kids to start doing around those ages – biking, beach, lots of sailing, etc. Island location makes it feel remote and protected and pristine, but the ferry is affordable and quick. Also perfect summer weather – I’d die if I went further south in the heat of the summer!

  22. Mary in Texas :

    Has anyone tried the new Bare Minerals make-up? It’s being advertised like crazy, says your skin will “glow.” It’s been 20 years since I had a professional make-up consultation. Any suggestions? Does anyone use Bare Minerals?

    • Is it the powder or a liquid?

      I’ve been using the Buxom liquid and I like it, don’t love it. I think Buxom is made by Bare Minerals. Plus is that it is relatively sheer and they had my skin color. Minus is that it isn’t long lasting on me.

      I’ve used the powder foundation in the past. I didn’t like it. I know this is controversial because people get really hyped about mineral powders being the best thing ever but here were my issues :

      Looks caked on unless you are really, really careful in applications

      Leaves powder marks behind on phone and the lapel of anyone you happen to hug.

      Has a glowy, alien appearance in flash photography.

      • Anonymous :

        I think it’s a liquid, the new Bare Minerals they’re advertising. I agree with you about the powder. I have some and I guess I use too much or don’t blend enough b/c it looks so cakey and gross. Thanks for responding.

    • If it’s the bare minerals liquid, I hated it. It had this weird gritty texture and gave me a claws on a chalkboard feeling when I put it on my face. And I’ve used the normal bare minerals powder for years, and love their face wash. But the liquid foundation was a big nope for me.

    • Anonymous :

      I love their powder blush and their eye shadow. I occasionally use their powder makeup on special occasions (don’t need foundation on a regular basis).

      I like it because a little goes a long way (justifies that price tag), and because it doesn’t make my sensitive skin breakout nor clog my pores.

    • I love the new liquid foundation. It’s very light (thin?). I wear it all day and my skin has never looked so good. You need the buffer brush for application. I have problematic/acne skin and before this used Chanel foundation.

  23. Mary in Texas :

    Also, does anyone have any products that really work for frizzy hair in humid climates? I live in Houston and it’s humid most of the year. I’ve tried every product, expensive and cheap, and nothing seems to work. My hair is fine and has a little bit of a wave. Thanks!

    • I have very curly hair that I straighten and while nothing is perfect, I really, REALLY like the Suave Sleek Anti-Frizz product. I buy it three tubes at a time I like it that much!

    • I live in a humid climate with curly/frizzy hair and the only product that works well for me is Ouidad. (Spelling?). It’s expensive though so I try to use it only when I really want to fight the frizz. I use garnier curl cream with a suave Moroccan oil for day to day.

    • Anonymous :

      Get a brazilian blow-out! Seriously, worth the price tag if you struggle with frizz.

      • Does this work well with fine hair? I’ve been worried it’ll make my crappy hair fall out.

      • Anonymous :

        How long does a Brazilian blow-out last? I wash my hair every day (I know, I know, I shouldn’t) but I do. I must sleep crazy b/c my hair looks terrible in the morning, so much that I wear a hat on the weekend. So my reluctance to getting a Brazilian blow-out is that it won’t last long b/c I wash it so much.

    • Regis Design line Ultimate Radiance leave in conditioning styler changed my hair life. Plus, it’s only around $10 full price (sometimes goes bogo50% off near me) for the spray bottle I get (get the spray bottle) which lasts me (with very thick, long hair) around 8 months on average. My hairdresser actually says to water it down as you go for most people, but I think it depends on how much you use and your hair.

  24. Got some good feedback on this earlier — but I think the open threads get more readers:

    Need the hive to inspire me a bit — will post more later when I want to get into detail as I have a feeling a LOT of my coworkers read here so I’ll have to be vague – but I was unemployed for a LONG time due to a restructuring (law firm). Found a new job in a new city in the gov’t that’s been ok — not bad but not as great as the one I lost. But I’ve been finding my groove, thankful for the fact that the pay is good and I got a raise despite only being on board for 7-8 months. And now I find out this job is being restructured too. The restructuring – we’re told – will be the group being split in half. Thing is the way it’ll work — the work from my perspective will get worse (and I already don’t like it much), you won’t have a choice which group you go to, and I think one group will get the worse work with the nicer people while the other group will get the better work with MUCH worse people.

    Among my colleagues, I know people are already looking to jump ship before this whole thing gets executed by the summer. For me — I’m exhausted. I JUST went thru a really long job search to land here. This is a new city to me and I haven’t got any contacts and am a bit too senior to just be able to call a recruiter. My colleagues are all way junior to me so they could go to firms at the 4th yr level while I’m in that awkward time where no firm will take me as a 10th yr (in lit) but they also won’t take me as a partner as I have no book. For my immediate colleagues, they came in as law school grads, have worked here for 3-4 yrs and this is a natural time to move on. I just can’t fathom having to go thru the horrible networking process AGAIN for the 2nd time in 2 years. Motivate me or advise me. Part of me just wants to leave law — but I tried doing that while unemployed and that didn’t work out so well either; not to mention I know law has been so tenuous (for me), I keep thinking — hang on to it and make the money while you can bc who knows what’ll happen later in life. (And unlike many I really do like law – esp complex commercial lit; which is NOT what my job is now, it’s more regulatory/compliance which I just don’t like.)

    • Well, it sounds like you have ~6 months to figure it out. Why not begin casually looking? It sounds like you don’t actually like the job anyways and are merely there out of comfort. How long would you really stick around anyways? I’m saying give yourself permission to look casually if you want or not.

    • Anonymous :

      Look for a job with a big company, even if it’s not in the legal dept. Two years ago I left a job as a govt attorney after 14 years, to work in HR for a company in the top 10 of the Fortune 500. Best move I ever made! I make way more money, use my legal experience, but don’t have the stress of being in legal. I’m HR now, but could go into Compliance, Govt. Relations, HSE, Security, Policy, and of course, Legal. There are so many options for me here, my head is spinning. Plus the bonus I get every year….wow! Of course, govt never gives bonuses, they can’t. But working for a big company is great. Plus, they have so many networks, womens, new hire, etc. so if you have to relocate, you’ll have an instant group to make friends with. Good luck!!

      • I’m the original poster – Are you a mind reader? I would LOVE to go to a Fortune 500. But I am just not interested in Compliance or HR (and also not an employment lawyer). So I have tried to get in-house and can just never seal the deal. I’ve worked my networks; it’s hard to find someone who is even hiring in house and when I do, there are 50 million people interviewing and I come in 2nd place or 10th place or whatever bc no one wants someone with 8 yrs of law firm litigation experience and nothing else.

        My corporate interests are more along the lines of strategy/growing/improving a company, yet not being an MBA or a former consultant, I don’t see it happening. There’s just nothing on my resume which shows anyone that I am capable of doing these things.

        Is there any hope on this kind of transition? If anyone would chat w me offline, I would create a separate/anonymous type of email address.

  25. Kat, I would love to see a post on cruelty free cosmetics!

    • I can’t provide reviews on the majority of these products, but this is a good list:


      Also, I love the Petit Vour beauty box if you don’t already know about that.

      I have tried and love SW Basics (coming to Target), Lily Lolo mascara, and many others that I have received in the PV box.

      For nail polish, Butter London is CF.

    • Anonymous :


  26. I’ve been using Jane blush in Blushing Petal for years, and just discovered it has been discontinued. It’s a great great great natural shade for my very light, yellow-undertones skin, just a slight natural-looking flush. Any recommendations?

    • Benefit Dandelion? Another poster mentioned it above. I really love it for how brightening yet natural it is. You can get small sample sizes too, I think.

  27. Chukka shoes :

    Can anyone recommend a pair of Chukka/desert boot style shoes that are comfortable for walking, durable, and yet feminine? I’d prefer real leather if at all possible. TIA!

  28. anon4this :

    Ladies of the hive – i’m really struggling right now coming off of a broken engagement that I did not see coming (we were only engaged for six weeks). To be fair, we had been having fights about the type of wedding to have and timing of children, but nothing (at least to me) that seemed rel’ship-threatening. FF to last week, when ex comes home and says he just can’t do this anymore. I plead with him for another chance, that i’ll be more compromising, shelve the kid stuff (i’m 37, he’s 40) but no dice. I’m at a complete emotional loss because not just ten days prior he was still talking about trying to have kids. We were also in therapy for about four months leading up to the breakup, though i think she was of questionable utility.

    Anyway, all that said, i am struggling to get through each day. I know a big part of our fighting was due to my reduction of my SSRI medication (which i did in preparation for TTC) and now that I am back up to normal dose, i already feel some difference (but this was of no moment to him – he was constantly pushing for me to stop the meds during the course of our rel’ship so i could really “feel things”). I’m trying to look forward, i.e. getting a new place that isn’t 1.25 hours one way from work, meeting new people, hanging out with friends and family and my pup (and not his cat who i was severely allergic to), but it’s a real battle.

    Added to all of this is my fear that maybe i should just give up trying to find a partner to have children with, and just focus on a mate alone. I froze my eggs last year (and would freeze again), but i simply can’t imagine not going through pregnancy and becoming a biological mom. I’m so lost and afraid right now (i have a weekly therapy appt tomorrow with a new but great therapist). Any words of wisdom or love from the hive would be greatly welcome.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Aw, hugs! It’s only been a week so it’s all new and raw and it’s normal to feel horrible and struggle to get through the day, so at least don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way!

      Unfortunately, the only way out is through. You are doing all the right things. It’s just going to suck for a while and then it will suck less and then it will be better.

      Hang in there! I’m so sorry this is happening!

    • Wildkitten :

      Oh girl. You should not have to shelve your desire to have kids for a guy who can’t hang in there through a medication adjustment. I am so sorry this happened to you.

      • yeah, this sucks, but you should be the best you you can be, even if that’s meds – it sounds like you WERE feeling things, and he couldn’t deal. I’m so sorry this happened to you but I’m glad you found out now

    • Anonymous preggo :

      First, hugs to you…I’m so sorry you are going through this!

      Second, and I know it doesn’t feel like this right now and understand it might be too early to hear this, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I will recount the story of a friend of mine who broke off her engagement when she learned her out-of-state fiance was not only cheating on her with an ex, but she had moved into his place! When I told my mom about it, she pointed out that my friend was really lucky that she found out who he was before they got married. Do not blame yourself for either taking SSRI’s or reducing your dose. Marriage is a long hard road, and you deserve a spouse that will support you through all of your ups-and-downs.

      Third, and this might be an unpopular opinion, but I do encourage you to look into your options for becoming a mom on your own. Just explore, don’t commit. I don’t mean this in a, “You’ll never find anyone” way…just that it sounds like you’ve already identified what’s most important to you. I know some very happy women (and excellent moms) who’ve done this. It took me years and an army of doctors to get pregnant, but I also don’t think I could have imagined life without being a biological mom. I think this is a valid feeling and life choice, and it’s worth at least knowing your options.

    • Sweetknee :

      Big hugs to you. Go home, take your pup for a walk, and then curl up with the dog and a pint of Ben And Jerry’s.

      For what it is worth, reading your post, it sounded like he had a lot of issues, and almost sounded a little controlling (advocating you to stop meds, etc). This is going to be a hard few weeks, but be proud that you are handling it by going to your therapist and restarting your meds.

      As for your future fears, focus on one week or one day at a time. You will drive yourself up a wall worrying about never finding a long term partner or having kids. Ramp up your exercise if that’s something you enjoy. Nothing like some endorphins to make a girl feel better.

      Hang in there.

      • Anonymous :

        Telling someone to drown her sorrows in a billion calories is really unhelpful. We don’t say this to men when they are going through something. We shouldn’t say it to women.

        • Anonymous :

          Disagree, if this were my guy friend, I would be dropping by with (or instructing him to procure) beer, whiskey, and food. I also think that women process differently than men; for some (myself included and I am and always have been a tomboy in a male dominated industry), a good hard cry and mope really helps. It took me almost 3 months of crying now myself to sleep to get over the unexpected death of my dog.

        • Anonymama :

          She recommended a walk, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, and more exercise…. That’s hardly a billion calories. And we definitely say to men, have a beer or some scotch or whatever, which calorically is not that different.

        • Eh, I actually know a bunch of guys who have drowned their sorrows in alcohol or ice cream or both. Given the two options, I would think that ice cream is the lesser of two evils.

        • Anonymous :

          Good grief, a pint of B&Js is not “a billion calories.” She can eat some ice cream and other comfort food, feel better, and start eating healthier in a few days or weeks. Nobody is telling her to eat a pint of ice cream every day for the rest of her life.

    • Don’t worry right now about future kids — you have ALREADY frozen your eggs; you froze them so you wouldn’t have to just marry the wrong person just to have kids. So that’s already covered. Take care of yourself day by day starting with this weekend.

    • Hugs to you. This sucks. As Senior Attorney said, the only way out is through.

      But here’s what the other side looks like: you look back and think… oh my god, I almost married someone who begged me to be off medication I need for my health and happiness, whose cat I was severely allergic to, who I argued with about important life decisions like family, who brought me to a place where I was willing to simply ‘shelve’ those decisions, who had me commuting 2.5 hrs to and from work, and with whom the relationship was so not right that when we are supposed to be our happiest (dating and engagement life should be easy and blissful!!!) we were in therapy and going nowhere.

      Girl, you dodged an unhappy life.

      • Killer Kitten Heels :

        This! ALL OF THIS.

        When I read your post, all I could thing was “wow, that guy was so not her guy.” Yes, compromise plays a role in relationships, but it sounds an awful lot like this guy got you to a place of giving up or thinking about giving just about everything important to you (even to the detriment of your health!). Take care of yourself, spend lots of time with your support network and your pup, find yourself a great place to live that’s close to your work, and focus on doing whatever you need to do on any given day to get through it and to help yourself heal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I agree with nutella – I really think you just dodged an unhappy life.

      • Senior Attorney :


      • +2k!

      • Anonymous :

        I was with you until your comment about therapy. Therapy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unhappy, just that you’re proactive about addressing communication breakdowns. Personally, I have a three strikes rule: if we have the same argument 3 times, after the third time we’re scheduling an appointment. We’re responsible adults who love each other and want each other to be happy. Neither of us wants to rehash the same argument over and over. If we’re unable to resolve an issue after trying 3 times, it’s time to get a neutral third party to help so we can move on with our lives.

    • Anonymous :

      So sorry this happened to you. It takes time, but you will feel better. Mope it up this weekend, marathon something on Netflix, get a massage, etc. You can get through it and I wish you all the best

    • Anonymous :

      Whoa….. you totally dodged a bullet my dear. He was actually trying to get you to make stop your medicine to feel life? That is awful… sick actually… and shows a deep misunderstanding of you and mental health and life.

      I am so sorry you are living through this. It will get better.

      And thank g0d you didn’t marry him….. oh my goodness. So so lucky….

      • anon4this :

        thank you all so much. your comments distilled everything down for me in a way no one else has just yet. This s&te is amazing, truly. have a great weekend, ladies.

    • Anonymous :

      wow, so much wisdom and kindness and love in these posts, distilled down in even a way my friends and family haven’t been able to. Thank you all SO much. I will take everything you said to heart (except for the ice cream – in addition to my other problems, i got a prediabetes diagnosis last week so no ice cream for me except for the rare special occasion. :)).

      • Well, you can totally have a billion calories of something not so sugary then :)
        (the “billion calories” part is a joke but truly — be kind to yourself.)

  29. The blush I’m currently using is Tarte Amazonian Clay in shade True Love. It’s a bright pink and looked like way too much for me when I received (it in the Pop Sugar box, so I didn’t choose the shade) but I love it. It has made me realize I was doing blush wrong all along, trying to find muted shades close to my skin color. With the brighter blush, I just pop a small amount on the apples of my cheeks and blend back toward the hairline along the cheekbone. Very pretty and fresh looking. I use so little that if I don’t break this by dropping it (my usual) it will last a few years.

    For reference I am pale Caucasian, dark brunette with blue/green eyes.

    • Meg Murry :

      Even if you break it by dropping it, if you still have big chunks you can throw them in a container with a screw cap and keep using it – it just means that it’s not as easily portable.

      I’ve shoved broken blush or pressed powder into a container like this and kept on using it.


      • Ditto to this – I even found a small container that had a shaker type to so I could shake a little into it and then pick up with a brush. One of my favorite blushes fell and broke, but this allowed me to keep using it for ages afterwards!

    • Rubbing alcohol can help you fix that too! Google it.

  30. I love the Urban Decay Naked Flushed in the original color (which I think is now called Naked). The only caveat is that it is very powdery and I initially always felt like it was too cake-y, but it never looked that way on.

  31. Hair Color Help :

    I have 20-30 white stands. I don’t want to dye my whole head, but I’m thinking of using at-home color to cover this up. Has anyone done this? Any recommendations?

    • Hair Color Help :

      *strands, not stands.

      • marketingchic :

        I don’t color at home – I go to a salon – but what works well for me is semi-permanent “tint”. It doesn’t cover greys/white hairs, but blends them in and they look like highlights. It washes out gradually.

    • Wildkitten :

      I used L’Oreal root rescue when I had a super botched dye job and it worked really well. I would try that. It’s like dye in a paintbrush pen and you can color over the grey spots.

    • what I do :

      pluck ’em.

    • I have dark hair and now several wiry white hairs at my hairline. I decided not to do the all over color that you can do at home because I’ve never seen anyone successfully match their natural color, and I don’t want visible roots as it grows out.

      So I started getting very fine highlights around my face. Just a couple of shades lighter than my hair, and a few lowlights too to keep everything natural looking. They don’t capture each and every white/gray strand but having this variation in my hair color means the whites don’t stand out as much.

      Bonus, having a bit more lightness around the face helps one look younger (I’m 50)

    • Meg Murry :

      What color is your natural color? I have medium brown hair and a handful of individual grays, and I’ve had luck using a semi-permanent (washes out in 28 shampoos) in a shade slightly lighter than my natural hair color – it basically leaves my natural color alone and makes the grays look like highlighted strands, and it fades out instead of leaving roots.

      The only semi-permanent I’ve been able to find recently is Clairol Natural Instincts, available at Ulta or on Amazon.

    • Loreal Natural Instincts is an box demi-perm. I get great coverage with it. Start a bit lighter than your color though, work your way up if necessary.

      It can be messy, but I wish I kept doing it myself and didn’t get talked into permanent all over color at a salon. My naturally neutral-ash black-brown hair is currently inky black and my stylist isn’t having much success getting me back to something I’m happy with.

      • Meg Murray is right with the brand there. It’s Clairol Natural Instincts. It’s also sold at my grocery store, which is where I usually buy it.

  32. Hey, does anyone have any cook book recommendations? I love to cook, but I am in a rut. I most likely will do most of my cooking on the weekends. My idea is to cook through an entire book. My only stipulations are that the recipes aren’t dairy heavy (I’m lactose intolerant), don’t require one off tools,and are lunch/dinner friendly.

    • Senior Attorney :

      My go-to is Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything. But it’s 2,000 recipes so it might take you a while…

    • I am IN LOVE with Twelve Recipes by Cal Peternell.

      He makes everything so approachable and I’m totally inspired.

    • I like Ina Garten’s Foolproof, Jessica Seinfeld’s Can’t Cook Book (it’s designed for novice cooks but everything I’ve made from it has been seriously delicious!), and America’s Test Kitchen’s Cooking For Two (which is LONG but it’s great not to have tons of leftovers).

      I also daydream about cooking my way through the French Laundry cookbook, but it’s way too intimidating for me to even attempt.

    • Mediterranean Fresh: A Compendium of One Plate Salad Meals

      The salads in this book are varied, good and mostly do not require anything you can’t get at a decent grocery store. Some of the recipes are light and some are quite hearty.

    • I got Alice Water’s The Art of Simple Food as a gift and every single thing I’ve made from here has been delicious. Mr. AIMS actually said the other day that we should cook every recipe from it! It fits pretty much all your other requirements and what I really like is that each recipe has variations so if you don’t have/like one ingredient, it’s easy to substitute. Funny thing is I normally like picture cookbooks so I would have never gotten this for myself, but it is awesome.

    • I have fun on weekends with What Katie Ate

    • New York Times Cooking blog/newsletter.

    • I got the Food Lab last month and I’ve already cooked 6 recipes. It’s awesome. He’s tested everything and he explains why everything works…

    • Simple Fresh Soutgern. Love it. Not a diet cookbook, not aggressively unhealthy, interesting flavors and just really pretty and inspiring. And not dramatically long if you’re cooking through it!

    • Decolonize your diet – traditional, back to the roots Mexican cooking that is healthy (I think mostly vegan). Some unusual ingredients but a fun one to cook your way through.

    • This overlaps with the magazine request above, but I subscribe to Clean Eating magazine and love it.

    • Min Donner :

      Check out Mel Jouwan’s blog, http://meljoulwan.com/, and if you like any of the (many) recipes she has there, check out her cookbooks – WellFed and WellFed 2. She’s mostly paleo/whole30, so no dairy, but she goes all in on flavor and quality and a number of her recipes are regular staples for us now. I am also digging into the Ottolenghi books which are super inspiring, though sometimes overwhelming.

    • Min Donner :

      Check out Mel Joulwan’s blog, http://meljoulwan.com/, and if you like any of the (many) recipes she has there, check out her cookbooks – WellFed and WellFed 2. She’s mostly paleo/whole30, so no dairy, but she goes all in on flavor and quality and a number of her recipes are regular staples for us now. I am also digging into the Ottolenghi books which are super inspiring, though sometimes overwhelming.

  33. Senior Attorney re: New Orleans and environs :

    Gentleman Friend and I are going to New Orleans at the end of next month and I’d like some ideas from those of you who live there or have visited. We have a condo in New Orleans for Friday through Monday nights, then we will be on our own until we fly home the following Saturday evening. We are meeting up with friends in Vicksburg, Mississippi on Thursday evening so will spend Thursday and possibly Friday nights there. GF wants to visit Natchez, and I definitely want to visit the Whitney Plantation. Beyond that, we are a little at sea about what to do and where to stay for the second half of the week. Any great suggestions? Places to stay? Things not to be missed? We are open to staying in New Orleans, or going somewhere else, or doing a road trip since we will have a car. (We will definitely be meeting up with NOLA and are super excited about that!)

    • So Susedna visited me yesterday and she’s been here before so we decided to do something neither of us had done. We spent most of the afternoon at the sculpture garden and NOMA and it was wonderful. I’d been to the sculpture garden, but it’s really beautiful and peaceful to walk around. We got up close to the art and took silly selfies with the statues. Then we went down to Magazine St. to Sucre and had gelato then dinner at Boucherie. It was about the best one day I’ve had in a while!

      Oh and I just saw that you were looking at elsewhere – oops! No idea if this is even a possibility but a friend and I used to go over to Point Clear, AL and stay a night at the Grant Hotel. It’s right on Mobile Bay and when you’ll be here, you could get a bay side room and leave the sliding door open and hear the ways all night. It’s a resort so lots to do. There’s also the enormous outlet mall at Foley but Fairhope is right there and it is a really cute little town with fun shops and boutiques and funky places to eat. Could be fun?

      • Oops… it’s the Grand Hotel, not the Grant. Bleah Friday afternoon.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        I have admittedly only been to Fairhope once for a meeting, but from what I saw, it’s adorable.

      • Senior Attorney :

        OMG that looks totes adorbs, albeit in the opposite direction from where most of the other things we want to do are…

        • Anonymous :

          To the west, there’s New Iberia and Avery Island (where they make Tabasco and there’s a nature preserve). I can’t say I was wowed by it. Maybe the northshore? There are some pretty areas over there – Madisonville, Abita Springs. Or you could go visit the birthplace of Miss Britney Spears (jk). There are plantations between N.O. and BR, but BR isn’t exactly a tourist destination.

        • The Grand is really nice. We had the women lawyers’ Gandy Lecture Series there last year and had a great time. However, it is a long drive across Mississippi to Point Clear.

          If you are going up to Vicksburg, St. Francisville, Louisiana, is really charming. There are numerous B&Bs there, some of which are allegedly haunted :) Audubon spent time there, and gardens are beautiful. It’s on the way to Vicksburg, as is Natchez, MS, assuming you will travel up Highway 61 to Vicksburg. This year is Natchez’s 300 year birth anniversary, and there is lots going on there. The Dunleith Plantation B&B is gorgeous and the rooms luxurious, if you get one in the mansion.

          Be sure to visit the military park in Vicksburg. It is not only beautiful but very moving. My brother in law is trained by the National Park Service to do tours there, and the history is fascinating.

          And, yes, I’m from Mississippi :)

    • adding machine :

      I’m a lurker and a New Orleans native. Would love to give you some suggestions over email. You can find me at addingmachine r e t t e at the mail of the google.

    • Stream of consciousness recommendations: Houmas House is another beautiful plantation with fabulous gardens that would be a fun roadtrip. They also have a fantastic restaurant for dinner and a very good casual dining restaurant for lunch. http://www.houmashouse.com. Shop on Magazine Street – lots of fun boutiques, including several men’s boutiques for GF. I’ve plugged the WW2 museum here before – it is a really well done exhibit and right around the corner from several excellent restaurants (Cochon Butcher would be my recommendation!) That time of year should also be gorgeous, and Jean Lafitte state park is a pretty walk, as is City Park. I haven’t been, but I’ve heard good things about tours of the New Orleans Distillery would be fun too.

      For places to eat, I LOVE Luke in the Central Business District. The chef gets the best oysters in the city. For breakfast, Croissant d’Or on Ursilines is a nice French Quarter area option. I also like the Ruby Slipper in Mid City for brunch, but be prepared to wait a little while, as its a popular neighborhood spot.

      Have fun!

    • Do you have an email you use for this site? If so, post it & I’ll send you my guide to NOLA. I used to live there & go back regularly. It’s my favorite city on earth.

  34. Stay or Go? :

    Scenario: You and your husband plan to start trying for your first child later within the next 6 months. You both have super demanding, stressful jobs. Your husband is the higher earner, so more of the day-to-day child/baby responsibilities will be on your plate.

    Do you “lean in” and stay at your stressful, demanding, high-powered, more prestigious company that has lots of upside in terms of future career growth/compensation, provided that you keep performing well (and knowing that this company isn’t exactly known for being super-friendly to women/moms in senior positions)?

    Or do you take the job that your former boss (whom you loved) offers you on her team at her new company, where the compensation is slightly higher but won’t grow as fast and your role/company isn’t as respected in the industry, but the work life/balance is better and you’d be less stressed out and you’d probably enjoy your day-to-day more?

    I’m leaning towards Option B but my Type A, high-achieving self is struggling with the fact that I’m considering “opting out” of my current gig, which I’ve wanted and worked for for so long. Advice?

    • mom to a one year old :

      Go. No question in my mind.

    • Senior Attorney :

      OMG I would do Option B in a heartbeat.

    • How long will Option B be around?

      Not to be a debbie downer, but think about the fact that even if you start TTC six months from now, you don’t know how long it will take you to get pregnant. If it takes you one year to get pregnant, will you regret leaning out now?

    • Wildkitten :

      I think Options B sounds super fun. But I also think you should think more about what the responsibilities are and what you can outsource and how much time you need to each spend at your job. Just because he makes more shouldn’t automatically mean you do all the baby-wrangling.

      • Wildkitten :

        But that’s a different conversation. I think Option B sounds fun baby-irrelevant.

    • Anonymous :

      I would absolutely go for Option B in your shoes.
      But I also take issue with the idea that the higher earner can’t help out equally at home — I guess if it were phrased as “he works longer hours” it would bother me less, and maybe that’s the case in your situation. But I don’t really think the $$ brought home should have anything to do with allocating childcare!

      • Wildkitten :


      • Stay or Go? :

        Sorry, I see how that could be unclear. My husband generally works longer hours than I do currently (though not always), and he travels overnight at least 1-2 nights a week (versus my monthly business trip now and potentially 2-3 trips per year if I switch jobs). His travel schedule alone means the bulk of the day-to-day childcare will be on my plate.

      • Anonymous :

        No matter how egalitarian your marriage is, how much money you earn, or how many hours you work, you are going to get stuck with the majority of childcare duties, simply because the baby came out of your body and your body manufactures its food. Sad but true.

        • Wildkitten :


        • Anonymous :

          I realize that tends to happen, but it doesn’t mean telling the husband before the baby is even born that he doesn’t have to do 50% is a good idea (not saying that’s what OP is doing, but I was trying to make the point in the abstract). Also, not everyone br-e-astfeeds, and even for those that do, that stage doesn’t last forever. My DH has a significantly more flexible job than I do, and did at least 50% of the work during infancy, and well more than 50% starting once our son was about a year old. There’s a lot more to childcare than nursing a baby.

        • This is just simply not true. My husband does at least 60 if not 70 percent of the childcare duties, even when you factor in b.reast feeding. (and like the person above me says, plenty of people chose not to b.reastfeed)

      • I have the higher power, more money and longer hours job in our family, and I absolutely expect my husband to do more child care and I’d laugh in his face if he tried to tell me I needed to do more 50/50. Adjusting child care responsibilities based on how demanding each spouses’ job is makes total sense to me.

    • Maddie Ross :

      In my mind, even if you take the TTC part out of it, you still sound like you’re leaning towards B, so I think that’s what you should do. Would you still be happy at B without kids? If yes, than that’s definitely what you do. If B only makes sense to you because you want to be a mom, I might re-examine a bit.

      • Meg Murry :

        +1 to this. Would you be happy at B even if kids never come? Then go to B. Do you love A and think you would still be loving it in 5 years? Stay in A and wait to lean back until the time comes (or maybe your husband will want to lean back by then)

        FWIW, I worked a “name brand” place for a few years and then left for a B. The years I worked at the name brand still pull a lot of clout for me, even though I’m no longer there – so you may have already gotten the bulk of the resume worthiness out of A.

        Plus you can’t beat working for a former boss that you know you work well with – a good boss can make or break your work/life happiness.

    • hoola hoopa :

      B for me! I’ve never been one for prestige. Great boss, higher compensation, better work/life balance. Easy choice.

      Are you hesitant to leave A because you ‘wanted’ it (…which is what you wrote…) or because you ‘want’ it. Don’t hang on to a stressful job that you don’t want anymore just because you had to work hard to get it because you wanted it back then, but if you really do want it, consider whether your husband would like to step back to a less stressful job and take on more child care.

    • Option B, but familiarize yourself with any FMLA, maternity leave, and short term disability issues prior to jumping ship.

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      Option B! B times a million!

      It sounds like the only “downside” of B is the perceived lack of prestige, which… I mean, I don’t really get that. Make yourself unhappier in all possible ways (less $$$, less time, less supportive environment in which to start your family) so you have a fancier title at a “better” company? Why?

    • PatsyStone :

      Option b, all the way. I took a less prestigious route in my field after mental illness good times. Now that I have a kid, I am so thankful my slightly less impressive job lets me really prioritize my time in my own interest. This week I took a day off when my toddler was not too sick to be at daycare, but clearly feeling bad and wanting mommy time. I kept thinking how glad I was that no clients/partners/judges were inconvenienced by my absence.

    • I would take whichever option you’d like to pursue assuming you did not have kids soon. (For me that would be Option B, but for you it might be different.) You don’t know how long it will take to have kids and I’d hate to see you stuck at Option B if you really wanted Option A, if kids take longer than hoped for to arrive. Ask me how I know.

      • Anonymous :

        +10000000000. For several months I avoided looking for another job because I was TTC and did not want to start a new job pregnant. After two miscarriages I said “F” it and applied to my dream job. Two days after I started I found out I was pregnant. I’m still at that job and loving it.

    • Pretty Primadonna :

      Also on Team Option B.

    • Anonymous :

      You need to do you, and it’s likely that your partner is, or will have thoughts about how to balance work and family life. Option B sounds like it would be a solid choice so you could indulge joining a weekend sailing team or pick up volunteering for a cause you believe in and be All You and still enjoy the people you work with, and maybe spend more time with friends…

      You may have picked up some not-so-subtle messages about work – when work is about creating the life that YOU want. When you are 70, this decision will be about being true to your life, not about TTC. You can still be a rock star at work with Option B

    • That was kinda me 7 years ago and I chose my equivalent of B. Right decision, so happy now, with 2 adorable little ones AND a relatively high powered (IMO) career

    • Anonymous :

      Option B, but I’d still expect Husband to do his share. Mine out earns me but did more than his fair share of diapers and sleepless nights…..

    • B. You won’t regret leaving a company that is not friendly towards women in senior positions. Chances are, your pregnancy and motherhood will be viewed as negatively impacting your work (even if completely untrue), and things won’t work out as well there as you would like. I know this is not PC, but I’ve been practicing 35 years and have seen this kind of thing too many times (and I don’t have children myself).
      Option B, especially if you will like the day to day better, is a great option.

  35. I highly recommend the YSL cream blushes. I use the pink one, but they have a peach version too.

  36. Am I being judgmental/harsh — there’s a guy whose cousin knows my parents, who reached out to get my number to be able to speak (i know this is weird but I’m Indian (born and raised in the U.S.) so sometimes there are potential mates who come thru these channels). I said fine, I’m happy to speak. He calls, we speak for 15 min — it goes ok, nothing mind blowing. He lives in Dallas. I live in DC. So obviously it’s a little “harder ” bc we can’t just go get coffee next weekend.

    So he ends the call saying — what do you want to do? Do you want to meet or FaceTime? I’m a little stunned bc there is NO way I’m getting on a flight to Dallas to meet a perfect stranger I’ve spoken to for 15 min, nor do I want him here in DC all weekend. So I say — let’s talk a few more times, FaceTime, see where it goes. He texts me the next day wanting to arrange a FaceTime at 5 pm the following day. I tell him — sorry, I don’t get home until 7-ish, anytime from 8 pm onward is fine. I can tell he’s a little put off — suggests the following day at LUNCHTIME. Um — NO. I’m a lawyer (he knows that), days are packed, I am not re arranging my day to talk to him midday, nor am I FaceTiming in the office. He was even more put off at my lack of daytime availability.

    He hasn’t said anything but seems to have a tone of — I’m a doctor (which is highly coveted in the Indian community), you should be wiling to jump at my command. He let it be known how much money he makes and how he only works 4-5 hrs a day now that he’s an attending. Does this sound a little “mail order bride”-ish to anyone?? It seems like he must have (or expects to have) a line of women who is jumping at the chance to marry him bc they’ll have someone earning 250k-300k/yr so if that means they jump on a flight tomorrow and move to Dallas next month, so be it. Meanwhile — I’m thinking REALLY?? Bc I have a career and make good money too, and if you can’t even compromise re when to talk on the phone, why are we even wasting our time? But then part of me thinks, maybe I need a reality check. Maybe I’m in my 30s and not married bc I am “difficult” about these things and maybe I do need to suck it up and “flatter” these kinds of guys. Who’s right?

    • You are overthinking this at this point. You should let him know two different times when you are available to speak and ask him which works best for him. Talk to him, get to know him. Then you can actually have facts to judge him on.

      • Meg Murry :

        Yes, this. When you say, nope, can’t do 5 pm follow up with: how about 8 pm EST (7 pm in Dallas). Or just give him a couple of times you are available.

        Or just let it go, because a long distance relationship is hard enough – starting a long distance relationship with someone that already irks you is even harder. Unless you are interest in this man because you are in one of the religions that is super tiny in the US and relationships within your religion are super important to you, I think you should just move on.

    • Anonymous :

      He’s a tool. Do you even want to move to Dallas? Do not keep chatting with him unless you do.

      • Anonymous :

        This. Sounds to me like OP did give him other times (can’t do 5 pm, I’m around after 8 pm etc.). He sounds like a tool. Look — this guy IS already showing the signs of — my schedule is more important than yours. And yeah — this is NOT sounding like someone who gets in a relationship with you and if it works out, you together figure out whether you move to Dallas, he moves to DC, or you move someplace that’s a 3rd city that is good for both of you. Rather I promise you this WILL turn into — I am a dr with a super important job, you are moving to Dallas if you want to be with me. I don’t like stereotypes, but Indian male doctors are a whole different breed of self important (and I say this as an Indian female dr.)

      • And do not continue to talk to him unless you want a life with a control freak.

    • Indian here – this sounds like a typical Indian/Indian-origin guy with Indian upbringing. If I were in your situation, I would be wary of what this portends for a future marriage. I am assuming you want someone who is your equal in every way and treats you as such. He may be put off by the tone (perhaps), but I don’t get why he didn’t take up the offer of Facetiming after 8pm. Did he plans? Is this not high enough on his list to put other plans on hold for one evening to talk? If he only works 4-5hrs per day, he should have more than enough flexibility to compromise.

      You may be in your 30s but you don’t need to flatter ‘these kind of guys’. It will lead to a very unhappy marriage where you will feel unhappy, unheard, and the lesser half of the equation. Yes, you do need to compromise on certain things to make it work (e.g., trying to find a time that works for both of you to speak), but it should be a two way street.

      Sorry, no suggestions here, but reading your post makes me angry that guys with such expectations still exist.

      • Anonymous :

        Exactly. I’m the Indian female dr. who commented above (did not marry an Indian guy for many of these types of reasons that people are saying). Marriage has to be a compromise and so do all relationships, including how/when to date and how/when to fit into each others’ lives. So OP — I know you want to get married, but if you start acting like someone you’re not just to “flatter” these kinds of guys, they will expect it for a LIFETIME. You’re presumably a smart accomplished woman in your own right — a 30 something atty in DC can’t exactly be a fool who needs a man to pay her mortgage for her. Maybe he does want someone to fall all over him for his job or his paycheck or house or whatever. But I highly doubt that you are that woman and if you “turn yourself” into that woman, you will be unhappy — maybe not immediately but a yr from now or 2 yrs from now or 5 yrs from now. Don’t change for someone, esp. when you in your heart of hearts know it isn’t the right thing to do (bc frankly if it was — you wouldn’t be here asking this question. You’d be taking time off work to fly to Dallas for him and sit by the phone when he wants to speak!)

    • Cinnamon Gelato :

      You’re not being judgmental or harsh. You both sound right – but not for each other. If he’s annoyed at your life and you’re annoyed as his (and his way of communicating), move on.

    • No way. He sounds like a masochistic af. I am in my mid-30s too (and single) and often am hard on myself for preserving happiness but I deserve it! And so do you.

    • If anyone needs a reality check, it’s that DOOSH, not you.


      Just say FOOEY and move on.

    • Little Red :

      You are being neither too judgmental nor too harsh. He sounds like the typical Indian male doctor who’s been brought up to think that a relationship with him is a gift from heaven for any woman. I’m Indian too, born there but grew up here, and I’ve seen the attitude with which they are brought up and you don’t need and you don’t want it.

    • anonymous :

      Ugh. I’m also Indian. Do not give this guy the time of day. You don’t need this.

    • I am an Indian, born and raised up in India, met and married an Indian man in the US. FaceTime at 5PM on a weekday or during lunchtime is not reasonable. If it is a deal breaker for him, so be it. You move on and find some one who treats you as his equal.

    • LOLOLOLOL. So presh. Just be you, don’t fall over yourself trying to make his uhmazing life easier. He’ll hate you and reject you for not compromising and then you won’t have to deal with him anymore.

      You know what’s my favorite? When these DOOSHY doctors want to marry doctors or lawyers or engineers or whatever and for them to become stay at home wives/mothers. Seriously bro, keep walking.

    • Anonymous :

      Indian here, though not in the US. Dump him, move on.
      Also, for Indians, lawyer = doctor = MBA in the prestige department.

      You deserve better.

    • I echo other posters – he sounds not worth it. I’d ignore him.

  37. Anonymous :

    Poster above who mentioned TTC this year made me wonder…we were also planning to TTC this summer but I’m wondering now with Zika virus whether we should wait. It’s easy enough to avoid travel to Central America and the Caribbean but it seems like the CDC expects it to spread pretty extensively here in the US. I’m in the Midwest and we have a definite ‘mosquito season’ but it lasts more than three months, so being pregnant for part of it is unavoidable. I will talk to my doctor of course but am curious what others who had planned to conceive in 2016 are thinking.

    • Wildkitten :

      I would not travel to a Zika country if I was TTC, but I wouldn’t reschedule my reproduction if you live in the US.

    • Anonymous :

      It is not expected to spread to the midwest. It could maybe spread to areas of the US vulnerable to outbreaks of Dengue fever. I do not see any evidence that the CDC might think it would affect most of the country.

      • Anonymous :

        I saw several things from the CDC and other reputable sources saying the only places in the Americas it’s not going to reach are Canada and mainland Chile (? I don’t understand that one. Canada makes sense).

        • It’s not expected to spread throughout the entire US, just the parts that have the right mosquitoes. The CDC put out a notice saying that the only countries in the Americas that don’t have those mosquitoes are Canada and Chile. But only parts of the US have the right mosquitoes and right climate.

        • Maddie Ross :

          It’s based on the fact that Canada and Chile do not have the specific species of mosquito that carry the virus.

        • Anonymous :

          Where are the sources? I did not see any credible evidence that it’s a risk to the Midwest.

        • Anonymous :

          Elevation, Chile is long and mountainous in the middle (less mosquito activity at higher elevations) and the type of mosquito that carries the virus has not appeared in the country.

        • The same mosquito also spreads Yellow Fever, Dengue fever, etc. while though the exist in the USA do not cause huge outbreaks or effects. I am pregnant now (due in July) and this eases my mind — the mosquito is here, the virus will be here, it will not be an epidemic. Statistically, based on historics… we’re going with this, ok?????

    • Totally Kidding :

      From what I have read Zika virus results in slightly smaller heads of the baby which sounds more ideal for childbirth than the bowling ball I delivered. Love you son….

      • Rebel at heart :

        This cracked me up. I’m TTC number 1 after many years of saying never ever ever. My husband and I are laughing at the irony that when society wanted me to be baby making I said heck no and now that society is saying, woah, no procreating right now I’m saying let’s get this done. I’m just a rebel.

      • Anonymous :

        oh my god I hate this website. Yeah global epidemic thats truly hearbreaking for mothers in latin america and africa but sure lets make jokes. Do you have any AIDS or Ebola jokes you’d like to make too?

        • Anonymous :

          Ty for saying this. The “joke” was in poor taste and shows a true lack of consideration for what the people in the affected areas are dealing with

        • Anonymous :

          Lighten up. Life is too short to be so doom and gloom serious all the time.

          • Life is short for the severely malformed babies of women who have no power over this situation. It isn’t funny.

          • Im literally always happy- I am extremely fortunate in my life. What does make me sad is other very fortunate people getting a chuckle out of other people’s suffering. Like there are so many people on here who are moms or trying to get pregnant, you can’t put yourself in other peoples shoes for one second and think you know what would suck? If my government told me I couldn’t get pregnant for two years, and if I did the risk to my baby is devastating.

            The more I read this site lately the more I see how its changed (I have been reading since 2009). The commentators are so cold lately- and I don’t mean making snarky comments- Ive always been a fan of snark and telling it like it is. But I think there is a heart thats missing. Its like when I go to a yahoo news article and read the comments and go oh god there are people that are that hateful out there? Lately Ive been reading this site and hoping none are my coworkers- just a bunch (and not all or maybe even most, of course, but much larger than just a small percentage) of super selfish, privileged people.

        • +1. As someone who’s pregnant and traveled to a likely-to-be affected country right before the CDC warnings came out, I find this in extremely poor taste while I pray that nothing is going to go wrong with my pregnancy.

    • Anonymous :

      I am pregnant and due this summer. I will watch my travel but short of that it doesn’t concern me. If you get pregnant, wear bug spray and long sleeves outside and if things escalate, don’t spend much time outside and don’t go outside at peak mosquito hours. Avoid super buggy regions (lakes in the summer).

      But I wouldn’t put off getting pregnant due to this unless you lived in an affected region. Life is too short and there will always be something.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes – live your life.

      • Me too. Am I going to use Zika as an excuse not to go visit the in-laws in Florida this summer? You betcha. Am I going to nix any suggested work travel to the Olympics, no matter how badly I want to go? *sigh* yes. Am I going to douse myself in bug spray in my DC swamp back yard? Probably. But other than that, I’m not going to lose sleep over it.

  38. Anonymous :

    I recently started my own business and it took off faster than expected. I had a pretty strict noncompete which I followed but a lot of my clients followed me. Right now I am doing well and have a significant amount of work- I was considering hiring someone junior to help. The husband works in the same are and has become very unhappy at work. There are personality conflicts with the staff and he doesn’t feel valued. He has no noncompete or anything so I suppose he could just leave and join me with his clients. I am apprehensive because I am a bit senior to him, I am currently running my business exactly how I like and I know that he hates doing tasks he perceives to be “assistant work”. Personally I do a lot of assistant work as I only have part time help and my help isn’t fully trained. Has anyone run a small business with a spouse and survived?

    • You have two choices. He can work for you or he can continue to be your husband.

      You don’t need someone taking umbrage at your tone every time you ask them to do something at work.

    • Anonymous :

      This sounds terrible. Girl, you need an assistant, not a colleague! I’d take the money you were going to spend on his salary and devote it to a full-time admin and a junior person.

      There may be a point at which it would make sense to bring him into the business. But based on what you’ve said so far, now is not that time.

    • Little Red :

      Seems like a bad idea. Sounds like you’d constantly have to police your tone/whatever to assuage his ego. Only do this if you want the extra stress.

    • Noooo. get someone really junior.

    • Anonymous :

      Your business isn’t ready for him if he wants/needs an assistant to function optimally.

      This also sounds like it isn’t his idea, though you may be tired of being his sounding board for work issues. He may grow more if he sorts his work stuff out for himself.

    • Nope. Nope nope nope.

  39. Anonymous :

    Hope this isn’t too late! My company just gave me $1000 gift card to Saks. I’m more a Banana Republic or Brooks Brothers (on sale) kind of girl. What do I buy???

    • Shoes!!

      • This is the credited response. I would also treat myself to a trip to NYC to visit their full-zip-code shoe salon. Also, if you don’t like Saks’ stuff, see if it’s good for Off Fifth–they carry a lot of nicer basics (Vince tees, etc.) that would be a nice upgrade. And I would wait until they do friends and family so that your $1000 goes further–their F&F is usually 20% off. Enjoy!

    • Wow, nice! I’d buy a really nice pair of suit separates and have them tailored to fit perfectly if your work is business formal. If not I’d do something similar with higher end business less-formal-but-not-casual separates. You could do Armani Collezioni if on sale with that budget.

    • Anonymous :

      Some kind of luxury accessory…jewelry or a designer scarf, shoes or a bag. Something to ” oomph” up your basics.

    • Wildkitten :

      One nice item – for me it’d be a handbag, and then I’d spend the rest to load up at the make-up counter with fancier items than I normally buy.

    • a nice coat!!

    • Anonymous :


      Though I’d personally buy Carolina Herrera dresses on sale…they’re around $500-1000.

  40. Anon for this :

    Help! I’m on vacation and a friend who moved to a town a few hours from where I’m vacationing was supposed to drive up and spend the weekend with me. We haven’t talked a ton since she moved, but the last time we did really talk, she mentioned her husband was acting controlling and emotionally abusive, and they were in therapy for it. When we made the plans for this weekend, she mentioned her husband had broken her phone a few weeks ago, and now had a new one. I talked with her this morning, but when I called an hour ago to to confirm our plans, her number is now out of service, so I’m worried her husband’s broken or cancelled it to isolate her.

    I don’t want to overstep or overreact by calling the police, but I don’t know any of her friends in her town to ask them to check on her, and I don’t want to rent a car and drive down there to find out she just forgot to pay her cell phone bill or broke her phone or something. At what point do I call the authorities?

    • Moderation :

      Call them. If it’s nothing you can just say you were worried.

    • Little Red :

      Is there another way for you to attempt to reach her?

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Try Facebook for her or maybe see if you can contact a local friend of hers who might be able to reach her. I hope she’s ok.

    • Call It In :

      If she’s white, i’d call it in. If she’s fine, it’s just a welfare check.

      If she’s a person of color it’s a much harder decision.

      • Anonymous :

        Not this.

        • Wildkitten :

          Presumably because of the news reports of the police being called for welfare checks and then killing the person that called them, not because POC deserve less concern or protection.

    • What time was she supposed to meet you at? When was the last time you called? Breaking the phone wouldn’t give you the out of service number- I would start with Facebook first, give it another few minutes and try calling again. If she has already missed the time she was supposed to meet you I’d just call the authorities. You don’t need to tell them the whole story right away but you also want to make sure she didn’t get into a car accident or anything. Please update us too – I hate when I never get to know if the people I worry about are ok! Ill be thinking of you both

    • Anonymous :

      Call the 24 hour number at the domestic violence shelter near her and talk to them about her situation. They might be able to have the police stop by for a wellness check. Notalone.gov has a locator – just put in her zip code, and the person who fields your call can talk you through this.

      Maybe she’s using a burner or other phone that isn’t tied to her partner?

      • This is really great information – thank you! Thanks for all the concern, everyone.

    • Following up – she’s ok, got her phone turned back on and texted me an hour after we were supposed to meet- but it was because her husband suspended the service and threatened her to keep her from leaving town. She didn’t say exactly what happened, but she texted me from the police station and he’s in jail at least overnight, with an emergency restraining order, so I guess I was unfortunately right to worry. She seems ok, but I kind of wish I had followed up on her offhand comments earlier – it goes to show that even in a professional couple with five degrees between the two of them, this stuff happens.

      • Wildkitten :

        Can you opt to rent the car and go be with her now?

        • Yes please do this. She’s ok in that she is alive but this is devastating- please do everything you can to go see her

  41. Anonymous :

    I used to use NARS Orgasm, but now I like MAC powder blush in Margin even better. I have dark hair, fair skin, and blue eyes (“cool summer” coloring).

  42. Reality check :

    I need a reality check. I’m in a LTR (committed, not married nor any interest in being married) and we’ve lived together 11 years now. We are both very independent types. No kids, but somewhat demanding jobs. I’m becoming increasingly frustrated because in the last year or so he pretty much lacks any consideration for me. I don’t know if it is just out of ignorance or he just doesn’t care anymore. He is happy to do things with me when it benefits him, but if its an inconvenience to him or requires effort he doesn’t want to make, it’s not happening. If something needs to be done for his job or his elderly mother, he jumps to get it done, no question or hesitation. (And I’m not saying he shouldn’t, of course he should.) But when I ask him to do something, he generally agrees it needs to be done and then flat out ignores it after that. He insisted on buying a house that I didn’t even like that needs all kinds of fixing up and maintenance that is being ignored. Nagging doesn’t work, and I have to more or less throw a tantrum to get him to do something. (This is not at all my personality and I’m actually very laid back so I only use that as a last resort, like when we needed to get the house ready for Thanksgiving). Another example, we drove a couple hours to a concert several months back, during which he decided since it was a band I liked and he didn’t care to be there, he would just ditch me and the people we were with (my friends, not his) to go hang out somewhere else. I do things with him all the time that I don’t particularly enjoy, but he never repays the favor and after the fight I had with him over that, I don’t even ask anymore. I’ve more or less stopped doing things like that for him also since that night since it seems unfair that I always do when he won’t for me, but I that actually makes me feel worse. I’ve twice tried to calmly explain to him how I feel when he ignores my feelings like this and that I feel like I have to do everything myself or it doesn’t get done. He acknowledges what I say, and then does absolutely nothing thereafter. He’s not the type to talk about feelings and avoids confrontation at all costs (which I think is the only reason throwing a fit works).. I even booked both of us a day off of work to try and get things done and he weaseled out of doing anything at all that day. It isn’t a time issue, we are both very busy but he chooses to just spend all his free time just on what he wants to do. Don’t get me wrong, we generally enjoy our time together and some of the highlights of my week are getting to spend time talking together after a long week or working out together, but I don’t know what else to do. These are just examples but there are other things, too. Every week I swap between acknowledging I can’t change him and deciding that since most everything else is good that I should just relax and not worry so much about things like if the house isn’t how I want it, to getting resentful that he is blatantly ignoring things that I have told him are important to me and feeling like I either have to do everything myself or it won’t get done. (And that just more or less means it won’t get done because the idea of tackling house projects seems intimidating on my own at best and possibly problematic with only one of us on board with it, especially since it’s technically not even my house.) Today he really frustrated me by telling me that Presidents day, which we are both supposed to have off together, he’s going to be getting on a long international flight for work instead. No thought at all about whether I wanted to do anything (I did) or that it would affect me too. I guess I just need some perspective. Are these things that I just need to learn to let go, or do I have a more serious problem going on here?

    • Wildkitten :

      A sudden change of behavior in a person is a cause for concern. Any chance it’s a mental health issue like depression?

      • Reality check :

        Not impossible I guess, but he doesn’t seem that way, especially if I manage to break him away from other distractions. He does have some work stress and he’s become a bit obsessed with a video game lately, but he’s always been the type to use tv etc as his way of “relaxing”. And on days where I’m not so nice with my frustration, he does say things like “I know, I’m an awful person.”

        • Senior Attorney :

          Your post and this reply implicate two of my relationship rules:

          1. When people tell you who they are, you should believe them. He is certainly acting like an awful person. Or at least a gigantic narcissist.

          2. A relationship stands or falls on its worst moments. Sure, most everything else is good but this behavior sounds pretty bad and it sounds like it’s poisoning everything else.

          My former husband was like this and I tried my best to appreciate the good things and live with the bad things/get him to change, but ultimately I realized that he understood perfectly well what I wanted and needed and he just plain wasn’t interested in stepping up. And that was not okay with me. I left and never looked back and it was the best thing I ever did.

    • Um, I don’t think you 2 are in a relationship anymore. It sounds like he doesn’t care about what you want or need, or even for the both of you — weren’t you BOTH hosting Thanksgiving?

    • Little Red :

      Sounds like he’s checked out of your relationship. I’d start planning for the eventual move out.

  43. Story.of.my.last.seven.years.

    Intently watching replies.

    • Anon for this :

      Okay, as someone who did some of this stuff during a marriage where I was happy and it ended suddenly and badly after a decade, it is possible to be a bit clueless. I was busy with career, I adored him and valued him but did not show it well through the little actions at all I guess. I wish I had known that earlier and had a chance to do better. But habits die hard, dynamics take shape. I don’t have a ton of confidence in most counselors but there is one kind called EFT Emotional Freedom Therapy and an accompanying book called Hold Me Tight that for me helped get into some of the deep trigger below surface stuff… too late in our case but that is my first idea. I don’t know. Just saying he may have good intentions, truly care, and just not understand how these little things are hurting you. I often thought our big stuff was good so the little stuff was okay and he was ‘used to me’… ie I never cheated or anything bad.. was just those little things. But they add up. Anyway I hope you can find a loving and creative way to connect with him on this, to share it, and that he responds. Good luck! I have reflected a lot since then and try harder now to do better, but honestly I have similar patterns in new relationships, because humans are creatures of habit. I told the last guy I strongly needed and wanted him to hold me accountable for these things. He tried. Anyway, if you have patience and understanding it may be possible to support him to improve himself. Anyone without a mindset of wanting to improve themself? Hmm that is harder.

      • Reality check :

        As I said, I’ve sat him down twice and explained how much it hurts my feelings that he acts this way – he generally says things like “Thank you for telling me, I didn’t realize you felt that way” so I know he’s hearing. me – but then we’re back to square one after. No indication that he wants to or is trying to improve. It doesn’t even change for a little bit after we talk. His feeling seems to be that if I want those kinds of things, I should just do them. Maybe I just start with something and see if I can get him to pitch in (when it’s not an abstract thing I’m just talking about anymore).

        • anonymous :

          He may just not know what to do about it. My husband doesn’t generally behave like what you described, but when I’m upset and I tell him my feelings are hurt because of x, he says the same things, and then nothing really ever changed. It turns out the clueless factor is fairly high, and he needs to be given very specific action steps on what should be different next time. It also needs to be phrased as something that he should do, and not something that he should not do, because in the latter case he doesn’t know what behavior to replace the thing he’s no longer doing. He also needs a specific timeline (please do the dishes tonight before 10pm, I feel good when you help around the house) rather than “It hurts my feelings when do you don’t help out around the house and stick me with all the work”

          It concerns me though that there seems to be a recent change in behavior, though. That makes me think there’s more going on here that needs to be dealt with. I’m sorry you’re going through this- it sucks to feel like your partner doesn’t value you.

        • Reality check :

          Also, the house part is not new. We’ve owned it 8 years now with virtually nothing having been done save one half bath that is still not quite done. The things like the concert and video game, though, are newer.

          • Insist on moving.

          • Or just hire a contractor. Start with finishing the half bath. Move on to the next priority. At least you’re getting it in shape for a sale.

            And ask yourself why you let yourself be steamrolled into buying a house you hate and living there for 8 years without fixing it.

          • Little Red :

            Wait. Do you have a financial/legal stake in the house or are you just living there and paying him rent?

          • Reality Check :

            Neither. I don’t pay rent; I did at first and then I told him it really wasn’t fair that I was putting money toward a house that isn’t mine and I don’t have control over, and really he doesn’t need the money. The mtg is actually super cheap and I contribute a lot to other household expenses (like most of our groceries, pet care, etc). He wanted it, he pays for it. And yeah, I’ve matured a lot in eight years but I had a lot less self confidence then and I didn’t feel like I had much say since it wasn’t my money buying the house. I’m more than happy to contribute to updates since I’m the one who wants them, though. I’m not so unreasonable as to expect him to organize and pay for all of it but I need him to at least meet me halfway.

            Thank you for all of your comments. I think they all have some merit but in another conversion I had with him today, he seems to be hurt by the idea that I’m not getting what I need from him. He asked me to help him with something and I did, but I also used it as an opportunity to show how he reacted when the shoe was on the other foot a few days ago and it was me asking for help for something similar. I think it’s a combination of being wrapped up in his own stuff and me not being clear enough in what I need. Just saying generalities without a specific action plan doesn’t seem to work with him. I’ll work on that and if still nothing changes, then obviously it’s time to reconsider some things.

          • Reality Check :

            Oh, and no chance we are doing this stuff ourselves. Definitey would require hiring contractors.

  44. Vacuum recs? :

    So, I’ve never bought a vacuum before, and I am completely overwhelmed by options. I need a vacuum that will work well on hard surfaces (laminate and hardwood), carpets, and both low pile and shag area rugs. I have a dog that sheds a ton and a baby. I’m also looking for a vacuum that can easily get serviced if necessary.

    So far, I’m considering upright Shark, Miele, and Dyson models. I always think of upright models as easier to use, but would be open to a canister if that’s easier.

    Desperate for any/all recommendations! Absolute top price limit is $700, though if I could get something significantly cheaper it would be nice…

    • Anonymous :

      I love my Oreck. It has bags, which make emptying it much less messy. If you change the bag when it fills up and the belt once a year or so, it will last a long time. Our first one lasted a decade. It is highly effective and very lightweight.

    • Anonymous :

      Do you have multiple floors of house to vacuum? Think about lugging up and downstairs- you may want a good one AND a second one so you don’t have to do stairs.

      Do you have a cleaning service or is this all DIY? Do you want bag less (messier but no bags to buy)? How often do you use it?

    • Meg March :

      Check out the Sweet Home– they’ve done writeups on vacuums before. I have the Shark Navigator (I think) and love it. It’s got a long warranty and I’ve never had any problems with it.

    • I truly love my Dyson. It changed my life. (Mine is almost 10 years old and is good as new after a few repairs).

      • Me too! I have the Dyson animal. We have a mix of hardwood and rugs like you, and a carpeted hallway. I also have a pit mix who sheds like a freaking maniac. This vac works great and it’s light enough to carry upstairs and vac the stairs too. Highly recommend it.

  45. LadyJustice :

    I really need to up my appearance game for a new high profile job I may get. Where can I go to get a makeup lesson where they don’t try and sell me $250.00 worth of product? And have any of you used an image consultant? How did you find them and was it worth it?

    • Wildkitten :


      • Are there any specific posters/channels/tutorials people recommend?

        • Lisa Eldridge on youtube. She is a successful celebrity makeup artist and does many videos explaining how to do basic makeup looks. Here is one good video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEtK9a-SSZs

    • Do you have a friend who is good at this? I think you could also go to someone at the department store beauty section or Sephore whose makeup you like and book an appointment. The thing about Sephora is a lot of folks wear makeup at a makeup store, and not for “high profile job”.

      Perhaps check out extra petite or franish for their tutorials?

    • Anonymous :

      Bobbi Brown counters. Natural and fresh makeup.

  46. Hello!
    I found this site this summer when doing some research for a conference I went to. I loved it! I just accepted a job offer in a corporate enviornment and it’s my first time in this kind of setting. When I started to research proper wardrobe options I immediately thought of here.

    I would love some help on what wardrobe pieces to invest in. All my previous jobs have been very casual (I lived in jeggings and nice tops!). I have some time to build since I don’t start for a month.

    I’m a size 14 and have a have a larger chest (I have issues with buttons downs). I own a great pair of black pants and a blazer and just a few tops that I got all for interviews. My budget will be small. I would love any suggestions you have.

    Also basic jewelry tips would be great too!

    I have searched on the site and do have some ideas but would love community feedback too.

    Thank you!

    • Bensonrabble :

      I don’t know if you are still reading this but I would recommend Macy’s for decent work clothes. With sales and coupons, your budget will stretch. I think black pants, grey pants, and navy/brown should cover you to start. Mix in knit sweater tops and one more blazer and you have the basics. Look in the archives for this site if you havent already. And congrats on the job!

  47. My absolute favorite brush was Limited Edition unfortunately – MAC Small Vanity. However, I also love Nars Goulue. I like Nars Deep Throat better than Orgasm. I have medium skin. My Mom is lighter than me and loves Tarte Exposed. Looks like nothing in the pan but is beautiful on the skin. I’ve heard really good things about Too Faced Loved Flush blushes.

  48. First, resetting your broken blush is a snap, just pour a little rubbing alcohol in the the blush and mash it back with a spoon or spreading knife. Leave it open in the air. The alcohol dries up but leaves the blush whole again. My mom is a chemistry teacher and taught me this trick years ago.

    I love Nars blush and have similar feelings about Tarte. I’m a super pale, so I can’t go as bold as orgasm.

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