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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 154 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Work Wrap: Nordstrom Cashmere & Silk WrapSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. I recently lost my beloved black cashmere wrap that I got at Henri Bendel's years ago (sobbbbb) and so I'm on the hunt for a new one. I like that this one has both cashmere and silk in it and comes in a zillion colors — it has a zillion positive ratings too. I think the eyelash fringe makes it look more delicate, the perfect thing to pair with a summer dress. If you want a heavier option, do note that the equally highly rated wool and cashmere wrap has some colors on sale for 33% off. The pictured scarf is $98. Nordstrom Cashmere & Silk Wrap And for those who celebrate, Happy Passover! (L-3)

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Comments

  1. anon

    I’m looking for a birthday gift for a 40 y/o man in the $20-$30 range. He doesn’t really drink (at least, nothing other than beer), the one hobby I know about is that he’s a pilot and otherwise he’s kind of a dork. Any ideas? It’s the father of my son’s friend, so we’re friendly but not that close. TIA!

  2. Summer Cardigan Help

    I used to have a stack of J Crew’s Jackies which were my summer staple. Most of them need replacing and J Crew has messed with the previously perfect Jackie (the 3/4 sleeves were so flattering and perfect for summer! Not a fan of the new long sleeves.). Of the similar cardigans out there, which do you think is the best? I know Boden has one that’s similar as does Lands End. I realize these both have long sleeves, but I don’t know if anyone makes a 3/4 sleeve summer cardigan (if they do, let me know!) I have one of the new Jackies and it’s also fine, but just wondering if other brands are any better.

    • CPA Lady

      The Talbots “Charming Cardigan” is a lot like the Jackie. I have it in tons of colors. It holds up really well, in my experience, and I’m hard on my clothes and machine wash and dry frequently.

    • guy gifts

      Nordstrom’s Halogen is good for crew neck.

      I’m still search for a good 3/4 sleeved v-neck. I agree the 3/4 sleeves are more flattering and nice for summer.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Seconding the rec for the Halogen cardigan. I wish they also came in long sleeve since I love them so much.

      • Minnie Beebe

        I have a black Merona (i.e. Target) 3/4 sleeve cotton cardigan that seems to be holding up fairly well after a year or two. I have no idea if they’re still sold or not, but I kinda wish I’d bought another 1-2 because I wear mine all of the time. It’s a good length for me, with no pockets (which I prefer.)

      • Pep

        I have a stack of v-neck, 3/4 sleeve cardis that I bought at Gap outlet a couple of years ago. They’re holding up surprisingly well. Unfortunately, they seem to have discontinued the style, I need some new colors, and so the search begins anew…

    • Anonymous

      The Ann Taylor Ann cardigan is usually 3/4 sleeves at this time of year. I would definitely vote for the Ann cardigan or the Talbots over Lands End – the first two both look more dressy/refined than the Lands End sweaters. And I think everything is 40% off at AT right now.

    • Anonymous

      I believe J Crew Factory still has a 3/4 sleeve version, or at least they did the last time I bought some.

    • Liz

      I’d be interested in a short sleeve cardigan for summer. They are so hard to find, especially in petite since I am 5 feet tall, but regular would be great if I could find any. Thanks.

  3. Banking

    Does anyone here work in banking? What do you do? I have an opportunity to transition out of law to work with a locally owned regional bank. In our early discussions, they have indicated they want to bring me on because of my contacts and relationships, so they are therefore flexible about what my actual role would be. I don’t have any background in finance other than as it applies to general legal work, contracts, etc.

    Is it silly to think I could learn to be a “banker?” I don’t have to limit my role to a legal position at the bank, although I could if it’s not feasible to think I could learn the banking side. Advice?

    • Banker Here

      I think that is highly dependent on what they intend to bring you on to do. There is a wide spectrum of roles at a bank. Wealth management for a regional bank is highly relationship driven and I could see that being a much easier/better fit then, say, originating small business, real estate or C&I loans. The fact they haven’t given you any guidance definitely raises an eyebrow… you need to ask more questions.

    • Anon

      Yeah, just to pile on this, having a general corporate law/general commercial/some familiarity with finance background is really going to be insufficient for understanding banking law at anything more than a cursory level. There’s so many regulators and the fact that Dodd-Frank is still being implemented (and challenged) makes this a very broad and complex regulatory landscape. The fact that it is a small regional bank exempts it from very little. Not to mention increased compliance burdens, reporting, etc. And that’s just the legal side.

      As others have mentioned, there are a variety of functions within a bank too. Some are sales-y. Some are finance-y. Some are more pure management, but there’s a large overlay of fiduciary duty when you are officer of an insured depository institution. Also note that you would need to be licensed for many of the sales-type roles, depending on what products you are peddling.

      This sort of “we like you, we’ll find a role” conversation would be a HUGE red flag to me. Smaller banks are actually getting less and less profitable as NIM spreads have tightened in the past few years. Presumably they don’t have budget for nebulous senior-level roles unless you are generating income. (Maybe they do, but…banking is very tough right now.) I would certainly want to have a detailed sense of what is expected and where they see the role evolving in the short- and medium- term. I would be terrified of a role like this.

      I say this as someone who is finishing an LLM in Banking and Finance. It’d be way easier to learn the banking side than the legal side. Banking regulation is a morass. Worth a chat though.

    • Chris

      I work for a top 20 bank, and we have a lot of J.D.’s on my team. My department is private banking, so the relationships focus a lot on tax and estate planning advice. If they are saying they value your relationships and contacts, I think they are looking at you for bringing in new business. If you like sales, it could be a good career change. I mostly love my job, no billable hours, no drafting, I just do the strategy piece and then refer to a local attorney for drafting documents. We have other lawyers who are trust officers and do mostly administration work. Another one is a liason with our investment bank. Another in in management. Lots of options for you. I’d certainly want more clarity on what type of work they are expecting before you make a change.

      • OP

        Thank you all so much; these are all helpful replies. Chris, can you tell me what you mean that you do the “strategy piece?” And can you tell me more about the lawyers who are trust officers who do admin work? I think you’re right they’re considering me as someone to bring in new business.

  4. Anonymous

    Oh, I love this wrap!

    It’s supposed to rain all weekend here- what are your favorite rainy day activities? Left on my own, I’ll just watch a lot of Netflix and use my tummy as a table for bowl after bowl of popcorn and gummy bears

    • Amelia Earhart

      Sounds like a perfect rainy day to me! I sprinkle a little garlic salt and onion powder on the popcorn to give it a little bit of an everything bagel flavor.

    • CMC

      I’m taking a night in tonight and plan to use a bunch of those “try out hairstyles on a picture of yourself” apps/websites. I’m not really that girly but the idea just came to me and sounds like a fun, relaxing evening!

      • CMC

        I also like listening to an audiobook while I do those household chores I never seem to get to and that take some time: actually using wood polish on my nice rocking chair, actually mending the clothes in the To-Mend pile, etc.

    • shadow

      Jigsaw puzzles, reading, cleaning, writing my novel, youtube marathon, paint my nails, journaling/scrapbooking, DIY projects like needle art…

    • Pep

      I’d get caught up on housecleaning and laundry, and then relax with some magazines with the dog sleeping with her head in my lap.

  5. TBK

    Can anyone recommend any kind of guide to buying furniture? We’re looking at buying a bed and dresser for our bedroom. We’re willing to spend the money to buy something that will last (i.e., we don’t plan to buy these again in our lifetime). We’re looking at an Amish company that advertises its long-lasting quality, but they still do things like use plywood for the drawers and use veneers on the bigger panels. I understand that Baltic birch plywood is supposed to be better than other kinds (I think?) and that truly solid hardwood dressers can be really really heavy. At the same time, I had always thought veneers were a sign of lower-quality furniture. Any suggestions for where to go for guidance?

    • furniture

      I would scan Craig’s list. I’m not kidding…. Especially if you want good quality. You could buy a beautiful vintage/antique that actually keeps its value. I’ve found that is how you get better quality these days.

      I agree with Apartment therapy for ideas, then scan Craig’s list. I also have great conseignment stores near me where I have gotten v. nice things.

      And yes – a high quality, solid wood dresser can be incredibly heavy.

      • TBK

        The problem is that we need it to work with a chest on chest dresser we already have, so we’re pretty picky about the color and style.

        • KT

          Check out design and home decor magazines–things rarely match! All matching sets tens to be a lower-tier look in interior design, which is why Ashley Furniture and that ilk tends to sell 18 pieces in the same finish.

          Modern, high-end design incorporates all different kinds of finishes and colors, but it’s all cohesive.

          My aunt is an interior designer and she just finished a New York loft with all flea market finds and it’s jaw-droppingly beautiful.

          • TBK

            I guess I’m also looking less for suggestions on where to buy things than on suggests for how to evaluate furniture. I do like the options at this one company, but I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth the price.

          • furniture

            +1 totally agree.

            Matchy matchy is quite out/dated. Reminds me of a hotel or a Crate and Barrel website.

            But what matters the most is what you like. But if you want to keep it forever, I really recommend a timeless style. Hence, the looking at antiques/Craig’s list.

          • TBK

            Also, with twin toddlers, the idea of schlepping to various people’s houses to look at their Craigslist furniture makes me want to scratch my eyes out.

          • TheElms

            If you want a store with good quality furniture, my suggestion is Room and Board. Of all the big stores (Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, Gold & Mitchell, Arhaus, Ethan Allen) I think they have the best ratio of quality to cost. I do prefer Ethan Allen over Room and Board for upholstered pieces but I think you are interested in wood at the moment.

      • Bonnie

        Agreed. For really solid furniture, look at Craig’s list and vintage stores. In DC, Modern Mobler has some beautiful pieces.

      • Elizabeth

        I second looking for second hand. You can find beautiful solid wood from the 60’s and 50’s in consignment shops. Double bed frames can be adapted for queen size beds, not sure about kings.

    • SH

      My bedroom set is Ethan Allen, and it’s very nice quality. I’ve had it for almost 20 years, and as far as I can tell, there are no veneers or plywood (or at least it’s really great quality plywood). It’s followed me from my bedroom at my parent’s house, through 2 apartments, and now it’s the bedroom set my SO and I use in a third apartment. It’s still in great shape from all those moves as well, and I have one of the four-poster beds with the spindles, so lots of parts.

      The bed can be taken apart (I’ve been really diligent about keeping the screws and bolts). The dressers are not as heavy as you would think with the drawers taken out – I can move (push/pull) my dresser across the floor without issue with the drawers out.

    • KT

      Honestly, the best furniture I’ve found is from ReStore. It’s part of Habitat for Humanity; the furniture is often older but in excellent condition and is made from solid wood–no neveer or plywood here. I got a gorgeous handcarved oak bed and it’s just stunning. It would have been thousands and thousands to buy new.

    • Anonymous

      No suggestions on where to go for guidance on furniture, but I have recently bought solid hardwood pieces from Hardwood Artisans and Thos. Moser. None of it was cheap but I plan to have it for decades, and both places were willing to customize to meet my needs.

    • MJ

      I am a huge fan of Arhus. Their furniture is beautiful, lifetime warranty and comes in more finishes than super-dark espresso, which seems to be the West Elm/PB/CostPlus rage these days.

      I’ve had furniture from there for 10+ years, and it is going strong. Some of it is veneered in a few places, some not. The solid oak furniture is prohibitively heavy though. If you’re planning on moving anytime soon, factor that in.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I get their emails and am so in love with all their furniture! So far out of my price range but oh so gorgeous.

        • MJ

          Everything I bought was a floor model and on steep discount. This was in August many moons ago. Keep your eyes peeled!

    • Jennifer

      If any construction features are specifically called out in the description (joinery type, etc.) find a few you-tube videos that show how it is done, and that probably narrate why it is done that way or pros/cons versus other ways.

    • anon

      What a lot of people call plywood is actually particle board or MDF. http://www.displays2go.com/Guide/Comparing-Building-Materials-Particle-Board-MDF-Plywood-17 Sometimes plywood has a purpose — such as to maintain integrity in a damper area.

      Also, veneer is not necessarily a sign of lesser quality furniture. It has been used for centuries for decorative purposes. I, for example, have an Ethan Allen round dining table that has a book-matched top — a very specific way of getting a grain design in the wood. So depending on how they use the veneer, it is not necessarily a sign of poor quality. Look for them to use veneer over wood and for a specific purpose.

      • Lazy lawyer

        +1. Quality wood veneer (like mahogany) over hardwood is very different from pine veneer over particle board.

      • Meg Murry

        Yes – there is furniture grade plywood that is used in places where you want a thinner piece of wood – back of a bookshelf, possible back of a dresser or even bottom of a dresser drawer, and it’s not the same as particle board/MDF or even the cheap plywood people use to screw over their windows or as roof decking.

        FWIW, I have antique dressers that are solid wood and they are:
        -Super super super heavy to move
        -the drawers aren’t easy to open and close because the solid wood shrinks and swells in different seasons

        so using plywood may help with those situations, as long as it’s still a thick, sturdy piece. If you are getting a modern custom built piece, check on what kind of drawer slides they use – my antiques don’t have them, part of why they are hard to open, but solid wood drawers would need heavy duty slides to handle the weight of the wood, let alone the contents of the drawer.

  6. Spring/summer tips

    How does your routine change as the spring/summer starts? Any favorite pointers?

    I admit that I cringe when these seasons start. Exposed skin maintenance takes a lot of time for me.

    • Bonnie

      My routine doesn’t change much. I get monthly pedicures in the summer and use a lighter face cream at night but keep everything else the same. Investing in laser hair removal years ago was so worth it!

    • Sunflower

      I agree its a lot more maintenance time. A few weeks before I am planning on going bare-legged I start shaving my whole leg (I only do knees and below in winter) and exfoliate regularly. Then when its bare leg time I do self-tanner once a week and maintain it in between with Jergens natural glow. Its mostly the weekly self tanner that takes me extra time, switching out the Jergens for regular lotion adds nothing during the week.

    • Anonymous

      My makeup routine goes from foundation, blush, mascara to mascara. Wear my hair curly more often. I shave/wax year round, so no other changes.

    • Carrots

      I’ll shave more often and get pedicures, but I rock the pale leg all throughout the summer. This year I think I need to start incorporating a daily sunscreen beyond what’s in my moisturizer. Beauty products wise, I’m pretty low maintenance.

  7. Anona

    Can anyone who has had laser hair removal done share how they went about choosing where they went to get it done? I can get it done at a dermatologist’s office and have it done by a nurse, go to a local spa and have it done by an aesthetician, or maybe find a place with a Groupon deal (which I am pretty sure are all done by trainees). I talked to the dermatologist and they said that with pale skin, there is no risk of scarring from having it done. Is there really any benefit to having a it done by a medical professional? It is a lot more expensive and the hours are less convenient, which is a factor.

    • Anonymous

      I have done full body laser hair removal. I did six sessions initially about three years ago and since then go 2-3 times a year. I love it and I love the place I go which is a medspa type place. Before this place, I tried a few other non-dermetologist places in the DC metro region via Groupon and nothing was as effective. Based on my personal experience, I would say that going to a dermatologist is not necessary. If you’re in the same region and want recs, I’m happy to share where I went.

          • Anonymous

            I go to Lumiere Skin and Laser in McLean, VA. About two years ago, after trying a few places via Groupon and not seeing any lasting difference, this place was going to be my final shot. I paid $500 for one session for a full body. That means that any and all areas you want done are included. This sounds pretty expensive, but after some research, I concluded that it’ll be cheaper than going anywhere else and getting areas done individually. I did 6 sessions initially about 4-6 weeks apart, since then I’ve had to go back 2-3 times a year. The sessions are about an hour long. The staff is professional and efficient and the place is clean. They also have Saturday appointments. They use the GentleMax laser by Candela. I’ll add that I have thick dark body hair and lightly tanned skin, which laser hair treatment is pretty effective on. The overall effectiveness can vary depending on the area of the body because hair thickness varies (least effective on the face, most effective on legs, underarms, and arms). Now, I don’t have to shave my legs or underarms at all in between sessions, which means that I go about 3-4 months without shaving. It’s glorious. Overall, I would recommend laser hair removal and the place that I go to.

    • MJ

      My understanding is that the most important factor is which laser you use, not necessarily the setting in which it is used. Some lasers are better than others. A derm could have a weak/outdated one, and a salon could have a spanking new/powerful one. A lot of people have posted here in the past to say that Groupon deals need to be vetted carefully because often they use a weak laser for your cheap initial sessions, don’t get all the hair, and then “trick” you into buying a follow-on package to really get the job done. All in, it could be cheaper to just pay up and go with the proper laser in the first place.

      Hive? Thoughts on which actual lasers are better.

      • Anonymous

        I’m the anon from 2:54. The place I go to uses the GentleMax Pro by Candela.

        • S-non

          That’s the one my place uses too. I go to a med spa (laser hair removal, ultherapy, etc.). I think technically there is an MD tied to the place but I’ve never seen him/her. Have loved my experience and think the machine is great (pain with bikini but no pain at all on legs).

    • Bonnie

      I’ve done several groupon deals with no problems though I’ve stuck to deals at dermatologist and plastic surgeons’ offices.

  8. Senior Attorney

    I can’t believe I am posting this, but… Any thoughts on wedding planners? Apparently we are really going to have a big wedding and apparently I am way too Type A to actually leave it all to Lovely Fiance, despite all my big talk. I feel like it might be a good idea to have somebody to help keep all the balls in the air. If you used one, what did they do, what did it cost, and was it worth it?

    Any LA-area Hive members have any suggestions for planners you’ve used or heard about? Bonus points for Upper East Side (Pasadena-ish).

    • SC

      We used a wedding planner for a large wedding. I think a day-of coordinator is necessary for a medium-sized wedding or larger. Our wedding planner also helped us by telling us what needed to be done when, coordinating with the venue and vendors, scheduling tastings for us, and collecting and maintaining information. I was in law school, and now-husband was working while we were planning our wedding, which was in my hometown a 3+ hour flight away from where we were living. We planned 80% of our wedding in 2 long days with our wedding coordinator. She was essential for that. If you want to handle more of the details yourself, a wedding coordinator isn’t necessary, and I know tons of people who have planned weddings without one.

    • Susan

      I had a coordinator for our wedding (she just kind of came along with the venue) and while I kind of despised her and I did most of the coordinating myself, I was very glad she was there the day of the wrangle everyone (even though we had a tiny wedding party), fluff my dress and tell me where to go, when. I think her fee may have been part of the venue rental.

      So you can take a couple of routes here. You could hire someone from the beginning to help you research/choose/negotiate with a venue/caterer/rentals. This is also where you can get the most bang for your buck, as you can often pay for their services with the discounts they’re negotiating for you. However, depending on what you choose for your venue, they may already have a coordinator who will do a lot of the coordinating for you … you may choose a spot that already has all the stuff you’ll need (tables, chairs, dishes, etc.) and preferred caterers. That person is usually on-site the day of, but how much they’ll be in your grill really varies.

      Once upon a time I was an event coordinator at a museum in town … one of my favorite planners was Jennifer Hronek. She was lovely and super laid-back … she’s been doing this a long time. Her company is called Joie de Vivre.

      There are a TON of event planners out here … I would definitely get recommendations (as you are doing) – have you been to any weddings/events lately that you really loved? And then think about what you really want help with … a personal assistant type to research the perfect typeface for your invites/drive to Irvine to the one bridal store that carries the veil you want/stuff like that? Someone to help design/create the theme/decor? Someone to negotiate with/keep your vendors on track? Someone with the emergency kit to run interference with your crazy cousin the day of? All of the above? Be really clear about what you want help with before you start interviewing people. And then think, is this the person I want holding my dress when I have to pee?

    • Anonymous

      We had a day-of coordinator included with our venue who handled all the day-of logistics, including meeting and coordinating with vendors, telling them where to drop things off and set up, directing the bridal party and guests, making sure everything stuck to the timeline, handing the microphone to the next person to give a speech, etc. She also oversaw all the venue set-up of tables and chairs and ensured the favors were placed on tables and the decorations we had chosen were set up. We had many communications with her (mostly by email, since we were planning from afar) going over the timeline for the day and choosing our selections for tablecloths, chair coverings, etc. We had our food and cake done by the venue and she coordinated tastings of those and the design of the cake. Our venue coordinator also gave us a list of vendors the venue had worked with before and for the most part we used those vendors.

      I’m not really sure what a wedding planner could have done that our day-of coordinator didn’t do and I didn’t want to do. It was important to me to select the photographer personally, to taste the food and cake, to pick out the flowers and to choose the invitations. I guess I would have been happy having someone else address all the invitations, but I’m sure you could easily pay someone just to do that task and any other small menial tasks that arise. Basically, I felt like our day-of coordinator was about 75% of a wedding planner, for free. If you’re willing to be more hands-off about food, photography and flowers I can see a planner being useful in making those selections for you, but to me that was the fun part that I wanted to be involved in.

      • Cat

        +1

        Having a professional handle day-of logistics is definitely 90% of the battle. Our venue’s coordinator also provided us with a list of recommended vendors based on the venue’s past experience — fortunately our key vendors (caterer, photographer, and florist) all matched my mom’s and my first choices anyway, but it was really nice to have a starting place for the ceremony musicians, band, fancy old getaway car, etc.

        I personally liked picking most things out myself (like flipping through the invitation books at the stationer’s, going to our tasting, etc.) so having a third party involved would have only annoyed me I think.

      • Anon

        +2. Granted, I haven’t actually gotten married yet (wedding is this June), and we didn’t hire a wedding planner initially, but we’re hiring a day-of (month-of) coordinator for all of the little odds and ends and day-of cat herding. We’ve had such a blast picking out all of the pieces together (food, photog, flowers, etc).

        My fiancé put it really well when I was balking at spending the money for a coordinator: “You’re a perfectionist, and you’re going to want everything to look great and run smoothly, and that should NOT be your concern that day! You should only be worried about having an amazing day and getting pretty and spending time with our loved ones”. He’s right (and awesome).

    • Delta Dawn

      We used a wedding planner (not in your area), and I was glad to have her. I didn’t want to handle lots of small details, so I gave her a general idea of what I wanted, and she went from there. She asked me before she made any decisions, but my “I can’t care anymore” breaking point was when she asked whether I wanted the serving platter for the tiered cake to be round or square. Oh, my word, I could not possibly make myself care if that tray was round or square… and she took over.

      The main thing was that she contacted and contracted with each vendor we used. She already had relationships with caterers, bands, florists, decor rental services… so I didn’t have to research those things to decide who to use for each service. I mainly let her use people she already liked. I did have a florist I wanted, and she worked with them just as well as the other vendors.

      If I had little ideas, I could text her and she’d execute– I decided one day I wanted monogrammed handkerchiefs for the bridesmaids, sent her a text, and it was handled. That’s a really valuable convenience, if you get someone like that. I echo the above thoughts about asking questions to see what kind of planner they really are. Some planners are great for the event logistics or decor but might not handle small tasks like monogrammed handkerchiefs (and maybe you don’t want them to).

    • LALaw

      I recommend the website “a practical wedding dot com” and the book that originated it “A Practical Wedding.” The book offers such sane advice, and the website is great because you can search for vendors (including coordinators, i believe) in your area that have been vetted by the Practical Wedding staff and readers. Great way to get a curated short list and not be overwhelmed by options.

      • Anonymous

        We used a wedding planner and loved her! We were getting married in my hometown but I hadn’t lived there in several years so we knew right off the bat that we needed someone to help us organize our wedding. She worked on a flat fee basis, which I liked because I felt like I could call/email her as much as I wanted/needed without additional cost. She was very tapped into the wedding “scene” so she would set up, say, 3 appointments for florists and we knew that those were 3 experienced/vetted florists and we could just relax and pick the one that was the best fit for our style. Having her there to help us with all the little things (menu cards, programs, track our RSVPs, coordinate with the caterer to make sure the menu was set, etc.) and make all of the appointments was worth its weight in gold. She also had some great decor ideas that I would never in a million years have thought of. Highly recommend!

      • Scarlett

        PPS – there are generally 3 kinds of planners – day of, month of/coordinator, and planner. Day of is the cheapest, that person makes sure your vendors show and know where to go. Coordinators vary, some find you people others keep track of vendors you pick and hire, and usually come in a little later in the process. Planners are expensive (rates can be a percentage of the wedding to a set fee, super high end are around 30-50k), and they do everything – you just say what you want and they make the party happen and you show up.

    • Aurora

      My sister in law is getting married in Palos Verdes next week and I think her wedding planner is amazing. I don’t know if she covers Pasadena but if you’re interested email me at theofficerblog at gmail and I’d be happy to check for you!

    • Anon

      I haven’t had a wedding, but I actually did work to set up a wedding planning business with a colleague (who is in the business). What I learned from that is it was frequently worth the expense of the planner just in terms of savings elsewhere. In fact, if you are looking at a budget wedding, they can sometimes be even more helpful.

      That being said, it depends on what you want, how much you’ll be involved anyway, and finding a planner who matches you/your wedding. A budget planet won’t have the same contacts for an extravagant affair; a non traditional wedding planner won’t have the same contacts for the traditional stuff. So, basically, meet with a bunch and see what they offer, what types of weddings are in their recent portfolios, and how the group of you mesh.

      Good luck!

  9. Upstate

    I was late yesterday, but I promised some Saratoga recommendations-

    Really good for dinner: Mio Posto is a hole in the wall, but amazing. Max London is fantastic, especially for brunch and Druthers is a great Gastropub. All are right downtown.

    Coffee and pastries are fabulous at Mrs London, and if you’re lOoking for a coffee and a bagel- Uncommon Grounds.

    spa state park is perfect for walking around in.

    It’s a really nice town- I was married there a few years ago.

    Also, be aware that the border crossing on the Northway (aka 87 north of Albany) can take forever for the QC to NY crossing. Leave time.

    I’m surprised you’re not flying into Albany. It’s a decent regional airport and only 30 minutes from Saratoga.

    • pil

      For coffee, I prefer Saratoga Coffee Roasters to Uncommon Grounds. There’s a decent variety of boutiques on Broadway too.

      Also, the National Museum of Dance is in Saratoga too. It’s lovely and the grounds of Spa State Park are pretty.

    • Montreal?

      That was me! Thank you so much for remembering!

      We considered flying into Albany, but flights were a lot pricier, and we wanted to use the wedding as an excuse to take a few more days off of work and make it a mini-vacation. Thanks for the tip on the border crossing!

  10. Anon for This

    Posted late yesterday. Posting again for more responses.

    I figure I’m way too late posting today, but wanted to see if anyone out there (I’m looking at you biglaw lawyers) might chime in. The short version here is that several months ago my supervising partner approached me about the possibility of leaving and starting our own law firm. We have, over the course of several months had several conversations about the potential logistics / vision / etc. However, I guess I am at a point where I am frustrated that it is not moving faster. Part of that is because I am an 8th year and am getting some pressure to make the push for partnership. Mentally it is really difficult to have two totally different potential paths in my head, but my supervising partner is somewhat introverted and I get the sense that he wants me to drive the ship. Which is awkward…. because if this never happens, we will remain where we are, and he is my boss (and will be assessing me for partnership at our current place).

    Any tips on navigating this? Anyone ever left a current firm with a partner when you yourself were not yet a partner? Tips on approach / negotiation points considering I am not currently a partner where we are but the intent is we would be partners going forward. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      I’m no longer in biglaw and can’t specifically relate to your issue, but I wanted to chime in with something my father experienced in trying to start a business. He has been pursuing a (potentially very successful) business venture for years with various partners who have all been interested but had differing levels of commitment. At the end of all of it, nothing has come to fruition. Not for lack of trying on my dad’s part, but because his partners did not put in the type of effort needed to actually get this thing off the ground (even with clearly delineated roles). My dad wound up constantly having to do his tasks as well as his partners’ tasks because his partners did not have the time/interest in moving things forward in an expedient manner. My dad hung in there for as long as he could, financially, but he is now reaching a breaking point and needs to find an income source that isn’t this idea.

      So, I’d personally be wary about partnering up with someone who wants to be an ideas person but doesn’t want to put in the work to move it forward. I think if I were in your shoes, I’d see if I could find a CLE or two about starting your own practice so you can figure out the sort of logistics and efforts that go into doing it. It would probably be helpful to bring the supervising attorney to the CLE as well. I’d also think that you’d want to develop some sort of business plan. Also, if this partner has approached you about this, I’d say that you could have a frank conversation with him and tell him that without a clear path forward for this new law firm, you’re going to start the push for partner and you hope that he can support you during that process.

    • MJ

      Cosign this advice. A partner needs to be on the same page as you. It doesn’t even sound like you’ve really had that conversation–are you 50/50? Does he expect you to do the admin while he’d the BD guy? One of my best friends from a prior firm entered into a partnership with a colleague that she knew peripherally when they were both laid off during the downturn. My friend busted her butt and brought in nearly $100K in business in 12 months, and did nearly all of the actual legal work. The other partner spent a ton of time “traveling” and “networking” and then charged all the expenses to the partnership. It was a disaster. Lesson: really define your roles and expectations going in, because it’s pretty hard to get out once you’ve set up a domain, bought malpractice insurance, introduced your firm as a partnership (not a solo), etc.

    • Helena

      I think it may be useful to regroup, and since you will be working together in a startup mode, see if you really can get along with this partner, both professionally as well as sexually. If you are really in love, and can stomach working all day with him, and going home and then sleeping with him at night every night, I think you could do it and make a go of it. My mom met my dad this way, tho they only managed a grocery store, and I was the product of their dalliance in the back storeroom in 1987. Good luck, and happy hunting!

      • Anonymous

        Helena, I did not read any sexual angle into the relationship. That would really complicate matters.

          • Anonymous

            Not many female associates decide to start up a law firm with a male partner, though many women in law find themselves in an empty legal vacuum, in search of love. In some cases, we do wind up banging those partners while working toward partnership at a law firm. In this case, the OP may consider herself as someone who could both do valuable legal work and, since the partner wanted her, could well have thought that this business relationship would blossom into something more; something personal that could become a true partnership with an emotional, and yes, physical connection with a man who could actually would care for and her emotional needs in an otherwise impersonal world.

        • Kat G

          Sorry that comment was approved accidentally — I think Helena is a troll. (Helena if you’re not please speak up.)

          • Can't Don't Attitude

            No worries Kat! It definitely brightened my Monday morning…

  11. anonymous

    Ugh, I am so embarrassed. I had a networking chat with someone where I asked about something that I was not supposed to know about, but obviously didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to know it. That made the conversation start out on a very awkward note, although it improved. I don’t even know if I should have known not to mention that thing or not! Anyway, I guess I’m done now.

  12. peach

    I took my engagement ring to be cleaned in a random jewelry store and the guy told me that it’s not a real diamond. He didn’t seem super trustworthy, so I just said thanks and walked out. My husband bought the ring 9 years ago in another state from a store that still exists. At the time, we got documentation stating the ring’s estimated value (approx. $4,000 — so they said — it’s under 1 carat), but for the life of me, I have no idea where those papers are. I don’t have a trusted jeweler to take it to. What do I do?

    • Anon

      Find a trusted jeweler to take it to. That shouldn’t be too hard – just ask around or look in the local paper.

    • anon

      Can you ask around for someone who has a good jeweler or maybe post your location and see if someone here can help? You can then take the ring in for an updated appraisal (it’s a nominal cost).

    • Anonymous

      Did you/your husband have it appraised when you first got it? We did this so we could get it insured, and the insured value is different (less) than the document from the jeweler stating “approximate value.”

      But really, take it to any decent looking jeweler. If you have 4 tell you it’s a fake, it’s probably a fake. You could also look up the people that certify diamonds (gem?) and see which jeweler around you are certified, and take it to one of them for appraisal.

    • anne-on

      Find an appraiser. If you have one, call your local Tiffany’s store. They won’t appraise jewelry that isn’t theirs but they should all be able to recommend a local person who will. If you’re in NYC, Macy’s herald square also has an independent appraiser in house, that’s where I went to get my ring appraised for our homeowners insurance.

    • peach

      Thanks for the tips. No, we never had a formal appraisal. We got it insured for a bit early on through a rider on our renter’s insurance based on the original jeweler’s paperwork, but it didn’t seem worth it to keep paying out of pocket for a ring that wasn’t extremely expensive — which may have been an even better decision than I knew then!

      I don’t know if I should contact the original jeweler. It’s been so long — the credit card protection must be expired. Should I just let it go and think about a 10th anniversary band at this point?

      It goes to show that the love matters, the ring doesn’t.

    • Coach Laura

      peach – that sounds like a terrible thing to hear. I hope that the sleazy guy was wrong and/or you can find the original paperwork. I have a friend whose center stone was swapped out by a disreputable jeweler when the ring was being sized/repaired etc. She was never able to prove who swapped the stone and wasn’t able to get compensated so she will never let her ring out of her sight and will only have repairs or cleanings done if she can watch while it happens.

    • Anon

      This happened to a relative of mine, and it turned out the cleaning jeweler actually swapped out the stones. I’d go see another appraiser to see if the ring now is worth much less and if it could have been swapped out by someone.

  13. Anony

    Does anyone on here have experience applying for a fellowship? I’m a practicing attorney applying for a research fellowship abroad (comparative topic) but haven’t ever applied for a fellowship! Any tips would be appreciated!

      • Anony

        It’s similar to a Fulbright, but it’s a pretty specific one in another country that most likely haven’t heard of, which is why I was asking more broadly.

        • Wildkitten

          I’d ask your schools. Their career services would know the most and should help you as an alum.

  14. SoCal Getaway

    I have 5 days in SoCal with DH and our toddler in May. DH has the days off, like no checking email/calls off. I am giddy with excitement! But where should we go? There are so many possibilities, I am overwhelmed. We want to relax, have a little adventure, and be by the water (any water: beach or lake). Thanks!

    • Angeleno

      Where in SoCal? Traffic is a huge consideration so it would be helpful to know where you will be.

    • Anonymous

      I’d stay in OC. There are really nice beaches there and some excellent hotels, especially if you’re willing to spend big.

  15. SoCal Getaway

    I’ll be in orange county but would like to take a trip somewhere within a 2-3 hour drive. Thanks for your help.

    • Angeleno

      If you don’t want to stay in Orange County, I would head to San Diego. My preschooler loves the zoo and safari park. We haven’t taken him to the Balboa Park museums but there are several that would appeal to a toddler. And if you want to lounge around the beach, there are good options and a number of cute beach towns (we usually stay in Del Mar at the villas at L’Auberge, but all the towns along the coast are nice).

  16. Tilt out

    I had an employee who was under-performing (missing deadlines, poor productivity) for a while but this never got addressed due to various changes in management/leadership. We finally got around to put a performance improvement plan together but the whole process of agreeing on the terms had been dragging for almost 3 weeks. Finally this week she came to us happily saying that this is not working and she’s pregnant so she’s just going to quit. For the life of me, I can’t be happy for her. I get it, people make decisions based on what’s best for them but the caveat is that those might be interpreted as poor work ethic. I’m so mad she dragged around as long as she could with a poor performance and now dares to leave with her chin up and a good excuse when she was going to get fired. She even asked if she could use us as a reference when she decides to return to the workforce (we declined). I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. Obviously, I haven’t told anyone about my thoughts. Not really asking for advice, just wanted to get this out of my system so hopefully I can act normally until she leaves and just move on.

    • JJ

      I completely understand how you’re feeling. I’d suggest reframing it this way in your mind: She quit, and now you don’t have to deal with putting a pregnant employee on a PIP and (worst case scenario) having to follow through with a performance-related termination for a pregnant employee.

    • Anonymous

      I mean, I don’t think you have to be happy for her, because you obviously hate her, but I also think she didn’t do anything wrong. She probably knows she’s getting fired and is using a happy life event to make a gracious exit. The fact that she asked about a reference makes it pretty clear she doesn’t plan to SAHM that long. It sounds like she’s handling it politely and professionally. Your outrage that she “dares to leave with her chin up” reflects more poorly on you than her, in my opinion.
      (Also you know the first trimester of pregnancy causes really extreme exhaustion, right? Any chance her poor performance was related to that?)

      • Tilt out

        The issues had been ongoing for more than 6 months so it can’t be blamed all on the pregnancy. Maybe she’s gone through some other stuff, that’s none of my business. She was in a tough spot and she took the best exit, I can’t blame her for that. To reiterate, I’m pretty ashamed that I have those thoughts, I want to shake it off and move on…

        • Anonymous

          She hasn’t gained anything by leaving voluntarily, other than perhaps saving a little bit of face. It’s not like she’s getting some benefit or something she doesn’t deserve. I’ve been in a similar spot and although I got to give “an excuse” for leaving and people celebrating my happy news (not pregnancy) made my last day less miserable, I was absolutely terrified about the impending loss of income and unemployment. I imagine that feeling is amplified 100x when you are pregnant and have all the expenses associated with a new baby looming on the horizon.

    • Also

      It seems like a double standard that you “finally got around to put a performance improvement plan together,” so it clearly wasn’t an urgent priority, yet you’re “so mad she dragged around as long as she could.” It sounds like she was struggling at work and no one cared to help her improve, especially since she came to you all “saying that this is not working.” If someone had made an effort to work on it with her, maybe you’d have learned that she was struggling due to first trimester exhaustion.

    • ITDS

      On the other hand, why call it a “performance improvement plan” if you were just going to fire her regardless. Seems like a “good excuse” with no reference is a fair compromise for the two of you.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, I don’t know if it’s helpful or not to try and see things from her perspective. I feel like I’ve been in her shoes – I never missed deadlines and no one ever accused me of poor performance, but I’ve been at a job where I wasn’t valued, wasn’t getting any work, felt sure the writing was on the wall but didn’t get any clarity on that etc. I’m not saying you let her down or even that my previous employer let me down, but if you feel that no one cares, no one is going to try and make it work etc., it’s very hard to do anything at that point. I was lucky that it wasn’t as personal — it was just your standard Biglaw freezeout because they needed to lose some people, no one was quitting, and I wasn’t protected by an important partner, and so it came with a side of good references and people feeling vaguely guilty about it (I know many of them liked me personally). Still – I felt very bitter about it for a long time and only now am able to realize it was a bad fit and maybe there were things I could have done to try and prevent it from getting to that stage. Maybe your employee felt the same way. That said, for me ultimately it was much better that I was forced to just leave and get a job that was a better fit. In hindsight I was way too passive, but it’s nearly impossible to be motivated and driven to dig yourself out of a hole like that unless your employer is pushing you to do it, which it doesn’t sound like was happening in this case. So — maybe try to see it from that angle and realize it’s for the best for everyone. She may well be great at a different job, and you’ll hopefully find someone that works well with your workplace. And it saves you from actually having to fire her, which would not be fun.

    • Tilt out

      I hear you all, I guess my question should’ve been: “What’s wrong with me”. You bring a lot of good point that help me elucidate why this makes me upset in a way that clashes with my usual empathetic self.

    • Anonymous

      WTF. You successfully conveyed to an employee that things weren’t going well, and she quit. This is a good thing. Quit being so self-righteous. Your company managed this poorly, and she handled it well.

    • Employment Lawyer

      I would be thrilled if this happened to me! Her announcement saves you the pain of having to fire someone, and it also may be saving you the hassle of defending a lawsuit based on the termination. It’s always good when the problem employee quits.

  17. Anonymous

    Did y’all see the pictures of Prince George meeting President and Mrs. Obama in his bathrobe and checkered pajamas? I’m dying of the cuteness.

  18. Anonbig4

    Does anyone have experience accessing therapy through your firm’s eap? Long story short: recently transferred for work to a new city where I know very few people and am beginning to struggle a bit. The thought of trying to find a therapist seems a little overwhelming at the moment but am hesitant due to confidentiality concerns….

    • Anonreply

      No experience with eap, but the way I found was also really easy. I made a first appointment with my new primary care doctor and asked for a referral. It ended up being a great match and they screened me for any underlying medical conditions that could have been contributing.

    • A

      Yes, I have used mine a couple of times. Once was a result of a move, I met with a local counsellor several times, did the trick. Another time I had a much more restrictive job for leaving the office/ working from home and we had tele-conferences, also did the job.

      • A

        Added to this, I never felt my confidentiality was comprised.

        I did work in my company hr dept and I know it is tracked only regionally, as in 10 people from head office in Toronto or 3 people from the retail network, no more information than that is shared with your company. In my company (large blue chip bank) it isn’t reported down the food chain to your boss. Unless you are in physical danger (sorry, too wordy?? But I’m a big believer in the program)
        Good luck

  19. Realities of the New Economy

    Also asking over on CorporetteMoms, but has anyone pumped out of a coworking space, or seen a coworking space with a dedicated lactation room? What were your challenges/ concerns?

    I’m about to start a new position that would have me working remotely out of a coworking space (or from home, but the internet’s faster, there are fewer distractions, et.c out of a coworking space). Kid is almost 1 so this is really only relevant for a couple more months, anyway.

    • Anonymous

      Wouldn’t you just need to call the coworking space and ask if they have a private room available?

    • Meara

      Just joined a coworking space, and toured several when deciding. I doubt any of them have a dedicated lactation room, but pretty much all of them have telephone/conference rooms–at the one I ended up at, those are all clear glass doors, so wouldn’t work, but at other spaces it would be a different setup and be fine? Basically just go tour some places!!

      • Realities of the New Economy

        Thanks – yeah, I should clarify, I get to pick the coworking space (within a reasonable range of rates, obviously), so was wondering if anyone had recommendations.

  20. HELP

    I work in Marketing & PR.

    Been stuck it high $40k range jobs.

    I want to get an MBA to jump start my career/give myself more job security/invest in myself/etc etc and a million more reasons why.

    Now – my question is, does it matter that I want to go to a state school to get the MBA?

    I want to do this because A. It is MUCH cheaper, B. 100% Online format option C. Its AACBS & Regionally accredited D. I live in the south E. Grades won’t get me into an Ivy league school.

    Just because I haven’t gotten the grades due to a rough life/circumstances, I still deserve to get my MBA if I want to, which is why I want to got this route. I have 5 years of professional experience and busted my ass to get some good job and complete my undergrad degree, alone with no help.

    So MBA from a non- ivy league school – matters or doesn’t matter?

    Thanks in advance for any HELPFUL comments. If you’re an ivy leaguer – congrats! But if you’re gonna try to tear me down, stay away, I don’t need that. ;)

    • Anon

      Before jumping in to any program, I’d do a little bit of work and research the types of companies/positions that interest you and then find out what programs they recruit out of. Good luck!

      • OP

        Thanks for your response!!! I don’t want to work for any huge companies. I’ve always done in house marketing for smaller companies and my target income range is a humble $65-$75k

    • Anonymous

      Almost all of the MBAs I work with make 6 figures and didn’t go to a top mba program.

      Look around in your industry and see if pedigree matters- it doesn’t really in mine unless you want to jump in with no experience. Heck, I don’t even have an mba (I have a vaguely related masters) and I make 199k at 30.

      • OP

        Thanks for your response, very helpful! I don’t know many in my field with big or top mbas and my former boss at a big law firm in the marketing dept had an MBA from a state school.

      • Anonymous

        Would you mind sharing what your job is? There aren’t a ton of positions that pay $199k, especially relatively early career, and I am really curious to know…

        • One Little Girl with a Pale Pink Coat

          Very late to this, but I work in PR/marketing and make $250K a year, nothing but a liberal arts undergrad degree. I agree with the advice to think about where you want to go and work backward from there. Maybe talk to a few people in that field and do some research as to whether or not they have MBAs and/or feel like they needed them.

  21. Clueless

    I hope I’m not too late for this conundrum question. I just read through the Stylish Work Dresses post from last Monday, and couldn’t find the answer to “What should I wear under a sleeveless dress?” I happened to be at the mall last week and tried on a very cute sleeveless dress which was on clearance and fit very well… except when I looked in the mirror from the side, I could see my bra cup, even with my arms down. I didn’t think my 36C bust was too much for a size Medium dress, so what am I doing wrong? I worry, too, that a larger size will be too loose in the shoulders. Am I expected to go braless? Wear a backless bra? Mind you, I once wore a pair of tights backwards because I didn’t realize the tummy panel was not a wide-seat panel, and it wasn’t until my late-twenties that I learned bra strap adjusters were there to keep the band level rather than to pull the cups upward.

    • Mrs. Jones

      You’re not doing anything wrong. I have the same problem with a lot of sleeveless items. I don’t know why the holes are cut so large, or so low, or something. You could wear a cami underneath, but I usually just don’t buy the gappy clothes.

    • Susan

      That’s why it was on clearance! It’s not you, it’s shoddy dressmaking. I’ve had a few dresses altered to make the armhole smaller … the tailor just re-did the shoulder seams to bring the dress up.

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