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Weekend Open Thread

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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270 Comments

  2. I’d like to buy a electric razor for shaving my legs and bikini. My hair is pretty fine. I have a really really old one (thanks, Mom!), and it’s time for a new one.

    1. any interest in an epilator? you can get one w the saving top on it too for more versatility. i like the braun models

    2. I have one – just went on Amazon and read the reviews for their top sellers and bought a wet/dry model by Panasonic that I’ve been happy with. I don’t use it on my legs, but it works well for bikini area.

  3. Late posting this morning — what kind of relationship do you have with your PCP if any? Is it one where you feel like you can chat with them about anything or is it more transactional? I’ve always been pretty picky re doctors – always needed to have a female with excellent skills but also a great bedside manner; probably bc I’m so uncomfortable at the dr that having one who is chatty at least allows me to feel comfortable enough to tell them what’s going on instead of – oh it’s fine. In a new city now which is a disaster for healthcare (DC) – lucky to even have found someone with more than 2 min of experience taking patients and I trust her skills and yet she’s so . . . authoritarian . . . that I’m pretty much scared of her – which is a first for me!!

    1. I don’t really have a relationship with my PCP. I’m thankful to be very healthy, so I go years at a time without seeing a PCP. When I do see a doctor, it’s because X is wrong, please fix it, thank you, goodbye. They’re actually the ones who always want to chat and I’m like, “No, really, I’m all set, but thank you.”

    2. I’m pretty chatty with mine, but that’s more thanks to her personality than mine. I’m typically not a chatty person, and she is. It has really helped me relax and tell her what issues I have. She’s also my daughter’s pediatrician, and I love having a family doctor. Even more than the convenience of only having to deal with one office, I think it makes all of us more comfortable.

      I live in TX, though, so I can’t recommend her to you in DC.

    3. I have a really good and chatty relationship with him. I’m the person who said that I use him to prescribe my anti depressant, so having that relationship is really important to me. I made an effort to seek out someone I like and go much further away from home than I technically have to in order to see him, I think its totally worth it.

  4. What are your thoughts on divorcing/separated and never getting back together/still legally married people dating? As a single person, I wouldn’t date someone knowing the person was still married. If I were the still legally married person though, I could see wanting to get on with my life. A co-worker is the still married person in this case, and he’s dating someone who is also still legally married. Does your opinion differ if both people are in the same situation? Just curious.

    1. I know ultimately if all involved are happy and the soon-to-be exes don’t care it doesn’t even matter.

    2. I would not want to date a person who was married.

      FWIW, I live in an east coast state that does not have “separated” as a legal status (I know out west that may be different), so one is married or not married. I would not knowingly date a married person. I just wouldn’t want to be known as the sort of person who does that.

      Also, my state has a heartbalm law, where if you are involved with a married person, that person’s spouse can sue you for damanges. And they get a jury trial. And it has been used in the 10ish years I have lived in this state. YIKES!

    3. Legal proceedings can drag on and on. I didn’t date until my divorce was final but that was more because I wasn’t ready than because I had a moral problem with it.

      As a single person I don’t think I’d date somebody who was still legally married, if only because the divorce proceedings are so distracting that I wouldn’t want to volunteer to be involved or even witness it.

      As to what other people do, I have no opinion on any of it.

      1. +1 No moral objection per se, although I would want to know that the marriage was “over” — as in irreparably damaged. I dated a guy 4 months into a separation and it was the worst mistake ever because as you said, he was so distracted and angry with the contentious divorce.

      2. From the time we sent finalized paperwork to the state until when we were divorced was ~3 months. Since we had already agreed on the final outcome (including division of property and money), he had moved out, and we were just waiting for legal to come through, I dated without qualms. My relationship was dead long before the legal side came through.

    4. Would never do it. Would be terrified that either I would be called to testify at my still married BF’s divorce proceedings or that they would be called to testify at mine. Especially if there are child custody issues involved, I have 100% seen this happen in more than one case.

      3. I think this really depends. I considered my marriage over as soon as I moved out because it had been bad for a long time. And it took nearly two years for it to be legally final. I dated seriously during that time. No fault divorce state so no chance of any legal consequences to dating. It seems quaint (in a bad way) that dating would have an effect on the divorce.

    5. I said I would never do it. But I have been married for 17 years and my husband was separated when we started dating. You don’t really know until you are in that situation.

      1. I started dating my husband when he was not officially divorced. They had a very peaceful divorce done with a mediator rather than two separate lawyers. They were/are co-parenting their daughter. He was always 100% up front about the situation. His ex was actually already dating someone when we met. It was difficult for sure but everyone being very honest and up front helped. We are now married and have a child of our own.

      2. Similar situation. I was separated but still married when I started dating my husband. The marriage had been over for so long that it was simply a matter of waiting the required amount of time and signing the paperwork. Having no children helped and the situation wasn’t acrimonious. I’ve been remarried for 14 years now and couldn’t be happier.

        You really never know what you’ll do until you’re faced with it and there are so many factors that no answer is going to be right.

    6. Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s and this Amazon dress (though it is to petite for JUST Amazon)! Anyway, I have been approached by SO MANY MARRIED men who claim they are done with their spouses, and either are in the process of getting a DIVORCE, or are not abel to get divorced for religus reasons. Whatever, they come to me and want to “date” me (meaning they have not had any s-x for months and want to pull my panties down). My answer is the same. I am lookeing to get MARRIED, not have some guy pokeing around between my leg’s for HIS pleasure. I really am tired of losers pretending to be interested in me, then finding myself w/o my clotheing with some slob on top of me huffeing and puffeing, then rolling off and goeing home (sometimes to the very woman he claims he is NOT even together with).

      So I have laid down a rule. I will NO LONGER let a man see me w/o clotheing unless these criterian are met:
      1) he is singel or FULLY divorced (and available), no kid’s, and under 65
      2) he is clean and sober (no more Sheketovii)
      3) he has a good paying job (not like Sheketovits), meaning he takes home over $500K takehome/year
      4) he already has a LIQUID net worth of $9+ million (without family liabilities, and not counting some useless piece of real estate that I can NOT live in )
      5) he is interested in getting married to me right away
      6) he is interested in haveing 2+ kids with me right after we get MARRIED
      7) he is able to afford to buy a ranch house and live in Westchester, probabley Chapaqua
      8) he gets along with my Dad (who can be a littel difficult)
      9) he is not allergic to Pet’s

      I have shown these requirements to my Dad, and he agrees with them. So if the HIVE has a guy who fit’s, I wll be willing to meet that guy. Thanks in advance to the ENTIRE HIVE for helpeing me find such a guy! YAY!!!

    7. Personally, I would probably care way more about the length of time since the separation. You’ve been separated for two years but for whatever reason are still legally married? Sure, I’d date you. You’ve only been separated two months? No way in h-e-double hockey sticks.

      1. I wonder why someone would not have at least started divorcing after two years. Not that there aren’t reasons, I’d just want to know them – and would be put off if details were sketchy.

        2. Simple, the other spouse literally disappears. This can make divorcing much more difficult.

      2. My state only gives you no-fault divorce if you’ve lived apart for 18 months. There is no “separated” status. So there are those people who probably want to date or move on. Then there are people who are married and stepping out and IDK how you separate the two. I don’t want to walk into drama.

        I knew a guy who when you asked if he were married, said “it’s complicated.” I view it as being pregnant — you are or you aren’t. I wouldn’t date a guy with a wife.

          1. It’s more like I would think they were stepping out on a spouse and not really available to be in a relationship. That they were still in a relationship with a spouse. I know divorced people who hadn’t considered it to be stepping out if they stayed over with their ex, so even being divorced isn’t some bright line that the relationship is over. But when they can’t answer straight about their status, it’s a sign to me that I wouldn’t be their Primary Relationship Provider (PRP).

    8. I wouldn’t do it but that’s partially because almost all of my single friends have a horror story about dating a barely divorced guy, as do I.

      Once bitten, twice shy…

      1. Count me among that number. I’ve never had my heart broken as badly as that time with the recently divorced guy.

        In this case, it’s two people in the same boat, so they’re presumably on the same page, so go for it, I guess…

        1. +1 two years later, and I still haven’t fully recovered. and he is still fighting with his ex in court over alimony (yes, I check…I know, I know)

    9. I would and have – but I also lived in a state where you had to live separately for a full year before you could even file for divorce. I once dated a guy who had filed but was awaiting his decree. My concern would have been dating someone “too soon” after his split and getting hurt or having to deal with his baggage (or a game player who was not really separated) but since it was just fun and casual dating with someone who wife had literally left the state with another man over a year before, I was not worried about his status.

      I don’t think this is a one size fits all area. In states with quickie divorces, a couple of months after the divorce is final might be too soon. In others, while the decree is pending or while they are in the mandatory separation period might be fine.

    10. I’m in the middle of a divorce (takes minimum 90 days to finalize after filing in my state) and dating someone already. He is fully informed of the situation. At first we were both hesitant to start dating but felt ready after lots of honest talks about where we stand emotionally. I’m totally over my soon-to-be-ex-H, so the complications more have to do with trying to define myself and get used to some major life changes while also navigating a new relationship. But this one seems too good to pass up, so we will just see where things go… I think we all get to set our own boundaries for what we want in relationships, and honesty is key.

      I’m sure that an earlier version of myself would not be ok with this situation but she was making decisions from a different vantage point. I’m hoping my future self can remember that and be more open-minded when witnessing others respond to situations I have never experienced. We are all trying to make some meaning out of a rather crazy existence on this planet.

      1. I totally get that.

        I think there’s a big difference to “just need to wrap up the paperwork” and been living apart / FWB / haven’t even filed yet / things are murky.

        When you’re first presented the opportunity to date, your window on things is so limited, that it’s easier to just say no or imagine the worst.

    11. For me, it really depends on the laws in the applicable jurisdiction. It’s my understanding that in my jurisdiction, you can get an order dissolving your marriage pretty quickly and then you handle property division separately. I wouldn’t date someone who was divorcing but still legally married because it would mean they’re either super fresh from the initial split or they’re not being totally honest about their relationship status.

      I feel differently with states where the property division and marriage dissolution have to happen at the same time. I’ve had a couple of clients whose divorces dragged on for 3-4 years. If a guy has been out of his marriage and living on his own for 3 years, I wouldn’t refuse to go on a date with him just because the paperwork is still pending.

    12. My husband’s bff is still legally married but tells everyone he’s divorced. You might be dating him and not even know it!

    13. I would never date a guy who had not yet filed. I would be hesitant to date someone who had filed but was not yet legally divorced but would consider it. A friend lives in a state where divorces can’t be finalized until a year from separation. if I lived in that state and the guy had separated and filed close to simultaneously and it been, say, 10 months since then, I think I would consider it.

    14. If some guy wants to date before the divorce is final, that’s his business, but I’m not gonna be the woman he dates. It’s not an “ew, he’s married, it’s wrong” thing, it’s a “that’s not something I wanna deal with in a relationship” thing.

    15. I was living in a state that required me and my ex-husband to live apart for a year before filing for divorce but didn’t have a legal “separation” status. We split up with intent to divorce, I immediately moved to a new city, and I described myself as divorced, not as married or separated. I did clarify for anyone I went on more than 1-2 dates with that the legal proceedings hadn’t been finalized yet but that the relationship was over and I was just waiting to file the paperwork.

      In my mind, describing myself as married or separated would have been inaccurate since I effectively wasn’t married anymore aside from a legal piece of paper, and we weren’t separated given that the relationship was over, not in limbo. We didn’t have kids in the mix, we had an amicable split, we divided our property at the same time that we split, and the official divorce really was just an anticlimactic piece of paper. I didn’t feel the need to wait a year to date, and it didn’t seem to scare off men who were interested in dating me.

      In terms of dating someone who was “divorced” but waiting for the legal proceedings to conclude, I wouldn’t be concerned about the person’s legal marital status so much as whether that person is still involved with their ex, how much emotional baggage they’re still working through, whether it’s a contentious divorce that is eating up a lot of their emotional energy, whether there are children involved (because that makes everything more complicated), are they dragging their feet on the legal paperwork in a way that seems problematic, etc.

      1. In my mind, you were lying and this is exactly what bugs me. You were legally married. Don’t deceive people!

        2. Exactly. Marriage IS a piece of paper. People, if its really not a big deal to you, then why lie or stretch the truth???

    16. I don’t care at all what people do so long as they are honest. I’m not going to date someone who is married.

    17. I started dating before my divorce was finalized. I met my current husband during that period. It didn’t really bug him. My first husband and I were definitely not together, and had really not been together as a real couple before we separated. It was just a matter of waiting for our property settlement to move through the system.

      My ex husband moved out in May of one year and our divorce wasn’t final until June of the following year. We weren’t fighting or contesting anything. We were just waiting for our paperwork to move through the county. Finally I went to the county courthouse (Alameda county) and stood in line to ask about it, they sent me to another floor and another line, they sent me in turn back to the first line, and the original woman I had spoken to found it on her desk, stamped it, and then I was divorced.

      I can honestly say I was not married in any sense other than technical during the year+ we waited for that paperwork. I have no issue with anyone dating during their separation. In fact, most people wait until they are good and miserable for a long time before pulling the trigger on divorce. They deserve happiness immediately, in my opinion.

      1. I should add, I was 100% honest with anyone I dated about my marital status. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship anyway. I just wanted to be a big ol’ ho, which I was, and I was even a big ol’ ho with the man who became my current husband. Oops. ;) he has no complaints.

      2. My partner had a fairly drawn-out divorce process in part because his now-ex was the person in charge of the timeline. She has a long history of mental health issues and thus cannot go without health insurance, so he moved out by mutual agreement and waited for her to file so that she would have a chance to put her life together before she became responsible for her own insurance. Even after they were divorced (he owed no child support or alimony as they have equal custody and she was working when they divorced) he sometimes took groceries and money over to her when she was between jobs so that their son would have food and a place to live when he was with his mom. Hard to fault him for that.

        People can be complicated and divorce can be a two steps forward, one step back process that is totally unrelated to the emotional readiness of the divorcing parties to move on in their own romantic lives. In his case we began dating well after he was already divorced, but the legal status of his marriage would have given me no pause at all given that he was living in his own place immediately after they separated, there were good reasons for a slow process, and was absolutely clear that there was no chance of reconciliation.

  5. FYI, all of these items are only available to Amazon Prime members. Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t have Prime already anyway, but I was disappointed.

    1. I don’t have Prime because I’m afraid I would buy a lot of unnecessary items with free shipping. Most of my Amazon purchases end up free shipping anyway, and even books I order with 5-7 day free shipping often come in a day or 2.

    3. You’re the only one. There are like 80 million Prime subscribers in a nation of only 300 million people. It’s ASTOUNDING.

      1. I’m obviously being hyperbolic. Obviously this means up to 220 million other people don’t have Prime. (Some people have Prime for their household, not per individual, so it’s less than 220 million who don’t have it). But seriously 80 million is a mind blowing number of people.

        1. Some of us live in the middle of nowhere and don’t like to drive to the store, Wildkitten! I’m extra lazy and use Amazon Fresh. :)

          1. Ha, I cancelled Prime because I moved to the middle of nowhere and two-delivery turned into four- or five-day delivery!

          2. Did you talk to Amazon? When they started bleeding into 3-4 delivery with prime I called and they gave me credits. And I’m in a suburb of a major city, I just have a terrible local delivery, I guess.

          3. I have Prime! I love it! That’s just a really high level of participation for such a new project. I don’t know how long it took 1/3 of Americans to get cars or TVs but Amazon Prime has had amazing penetration very quickly.

          4. I was just yanking your chain. I agree — Amazon became huge very, very quickly. I’m not exactly sure why it was/is different than other technology-type services (though maybe similar to smart phones? I seem to recall those happening pretty quickly).

    5. I don’t have Prime but then I also don’t shop Amazon at all because of their labor practices.

    6. I don’t have Prime. I had it for years but became increasingly frustrated with long delivery times and reports about Amazon’s business practices. I’ve been surprised by how little I miss it. We have cable, including HBO, so I don’t really need it for TV, and most things I bought on Amazon I can buy at Target which has no-minimum free shipping with their free credit card (which I have). If I do need something Amazon-specific I can usually find other stuff to combine it with to meet the non-Prime free delivery minimum. I don’t see myself ever going back to being a Prime member.

    7. I think you can get a month-to-month Prime membership, so you could pay for one month of Prime and get whatever exclusives you want during that time.

    8. I live in a major city and use Prime almost every day. Especially now that we get Prime Now and Prime restaurant delivery.

  6. The other day I was complaining because I am not getting along with the small clique in my office. The good news is my boss will let me work from home two days a week! No commute and no negative energy two days a week!

    1. Sounds like a solid short-term gain. Enjoy the peace, and think on a long-term plan.

        1. Time to wash ALL of the laundry ALL of the time. Just make sure to move the mouse around regularly so you’re always “available” on Lync. I mean, that’s how we judge if someone is actually working, right?

          1. Or adjust your idle timeout so you won’t go idle when you pop out to yoga class.

          2. Why, yes, I was eyeing a ten am Yoga class on Tuesday mornings! One hour of yoga is surely set off my no commute!

  7. I think this is probably a fantasy, but thought I’d ask. I’m looking for a job that will allow me to work remotely but with regular trips to a home office in NYC. I’m an attorney, currently in-house, with experience in healthcare and employment. Any thoughts?

    1. This sounds like you want your employer to foot the bill for trips to NYC to see family and friends, no?

      1. Which is not necessarily impossible. Wanting it doesn’t make OP a bad person or anything.

        1. I agree that wanting it doesn’t make the OP a bad person! But it may be difficult to find (would likely be a easier if OP had an in-house position in NYC already and then wanted to relocate to a place w/o an office). But for a brand-new remote hire, presumably if they wanted her in NYC frequently, they’d just hire in NYC?

      2. I used to work for a company where about half our staff was remote with trips every month or two to our home office in LA. I saw it as a good thing when people had friends or family in LA because it meant they were more likely to stick with the job. Also, some of our staff (ahem, software engineers) were the type you needed to carefully lure out of their basement hacking lairs without sudden movements or eye contact, so it was nice to have people who did not see home office visits as mandatory misery.

    2. It’s like our Milan office — how do I get a short-term posting there?

      Ciao!

      1. I’m looking for a job where I attend yoga classes in my home during the day – then wfh in evenings 2x a week – with monthly trips to the Santorini office.

        Anyone have leads to this position?

        1. Um, if you are wfh in the evenings 2x a week, then when are you going to find time to make a pot roast for your husband? Do you want him to starve?

    5. Does it have to be a home office in NYC? As in, do you have long term plans to move to NYC and eventually work from the NYC office?

      1. Eventually my plan is to move back to NYC, though that is still several years off.

    6. AIG. Just about everyone works from home now. And most everyone ends up in NYC for meetings from time to time. Maybe not on your schedule but it’s worth it to check out. They got a new CEO yesterday and I have high hopes he’ll right the ship. Too late for me. I couldn’t take it anymore and left a year ago.

  8. I’m graduating from a master’s program next weekend. There are a few events and I’d like a dress that will be ok under my gown, but also look nice on its own.

    I’m looking at one from Nordstrom- Cece ‘Kate’ Ruffle Hem Shift Dress in Sapphire (will post link in response to this) – love the bright color and the style.

    I’m 5’7″, have extra weight around my middle, and want to feel comfortable but dressy. Also don’t want the dress to be too short when I sit down.

    Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is: do you think this dress is a good fit for the event? Thinking of tan/goldish wedges to wear with it. Any other recs for dresses that have sleeves, are graduation-esque, and are more shift-like as opposed to sheath-like are welcome.

    Thanks.

    2. The dress looks super short, but I guess you would have to try it on to know for sure. I love the style.

      1. Yeah, that’s what’s throwing me off. i need to measure a dress in my closet and look at it against the description of the dress. Thanks!

        1. Shift styles sometimes tend to ride up more when you sit than fitted styles, so look for something similar.

    3. Yeah, this looks a bit short and a bit informal. There are a lot of comfy wrap/faux wrap/fit and flare dresses out there that would be perfect for something like this.

      1. Thanks. I love the style and haven’t seen much in terms of other styles I like. Any thoughts on brands to look for? I like browsing dresses but need some help narrowing it down. Thanks.

    4. My only suggestion is to consider the colors that will be on your hood that you wear with the gown.mine was red (school color) and purple (law) which ended up kind of clashing with my olive and cream dress. Also wear something lightweight And breathable! Those polyester grad gowns can be super warm and I got pretty gross and clammy under mine.

  9. I’m looking for resources to find footwear (of all types and for all seasons) that provide arch support (or have removable inserts) and accommodate moderate bunions. The catch: I want shoes that are not hideous and maybe even have a little bit of style. I know that heels other than lower or platform chunky heels or wedges are out.

    Where do other women with foot issues not yet requiring surgery but bad enough to make normal shoes impossible shop? Is there an up-to-date forum or blog offering guidance? A website with search filters better than just “comfort”? I’ve read some of the easy to find blogs and articles and browsed two bunion-specific footwear purveyors, but there has to be more out there. Any tips are much appreciated!

      1. I like Vionic as well. Munro has removable foot beds (so wok for orthotics) on almost all styles.

      1. +1 you saved me typing it out. Kirstin is the best. OP, if you find a style you like that is a year or more older, you can often still find it on Amazon or eBay, new in box. Good luck.

    3. I have horrible bunions but I’m too young for anyone to do surgery (they tell me I should wait or I’ll have to get the surgery twice) so I use a shoe stretcher and adjust the pegs to the positions of my bunions.

      2. I had my left foot done at 25 and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. If you have pain, find a doctor who will do it. I’m 37 now with no signs of it returning, but 20-30 extra years of pain free life is more than worth surgery twice.

      3. My first bunion surgery was at 31, and my other foot was done in my mid-50s. The first floor is still fine at 63!

    4. Aravon has gotten me through the transition to orthotics without losing my sense of style. I found them through Barking Dog Shoes, as well as a few others. Zappos and Amazon carry many of the brands.

      The shoe people at REI also know their stuff, and recommended hiking boots with a larger toe box that was stylish (would settle for army-ish boots if I had to) and reminded me that most of their boots have removable inserts. I’ve hiked more than half of the MD section of the Appalachian Trail with them.

    5. I often buy wide width shoes and put the Vionic slim orthotic in – it gives a lot of arch support and fills up the back of the shoe, so my feet don’t slide around. I have also had luck with Gentle Souls because the leather is so buttery, it fits without having to be stretched. If you live in a big city like NYC, go to those comfort shoe footwear stores. They carried lots of shoe brands I’d never heard of.

  10. I recently started an Instagram for the purpose of documenting my fitness journey and triathlon training. Any tips or advice? This is my first time using Instagram. Also hoping to eventually build to be being a brand ambassador- do any of you ladies have experience?

    1. Well, I roll my eyes at all of the “brand ambassadors” I encounter on Instagram, but I do find myself looking through different fitness and weight lifting related hashtags every once in a while for inspiration. Do you know the popular hashtags of the scene you’re trying to break into? Also, learn the flattering angles people use to make their muscles look bigger, make themselves look skinnier, etc.

    2. Only follow people that you really like and and enjoy their content. Don’t follow someone just because they will follow you back. Interact and comment on other people’s posts to get more visibility, especially with the brands you’re interested in. I like adding hashtags in a separate comment instead of the main part of the post.

    3. Find as many other accounts as you can that are similar to what you’d like to be, and follow them. Note the hashtags that they use and use them as frequently as possible – it’s not uncommon to have like 20 hashtags after a caption.

      Almost any brand ambassador needs to be a “lifestyle” brand – like even if your main focus is fitness and triathlon training, that would be 50-60% of the posts and then the rest would be about the rest of your life, which should be presented as equally aspirational.

      Prepare to devote a lot of time and energy to good pictures – most of the “professional” Instagrammers have a least a portion of their pictures done by photographers.

    4. Original comment disappeared. Let’s try this again.

      Only follow accounts that you really like and enjoy the content. Don’t follow someone just so they will follow you back. Interact and comment on the accounts you follow, especially the brands you’re interested in.

      Do your best to reply to comments people make on your pictures.

      Use hashtags for more visibility. I add few in the main caption and then add others in a separate comment.

    5. A lot of people who have big social media followings have either bought fake followers or spend hours upon hours following people and then unfollowing once people follow back. Both are shady IMO. Growing organically is way harder but some tips are: post every day but not much more than that, follow lots of people you’re interested in who might be interested in you and use lots of relevant hashtags so people can find you.
      As far as working with brands, I have a bl0g (not fitness related) and a relatively small Insta following (~3k and I follow back almost as many) and I have been surprised by how many brands are interested in working with me. Unless you have a way bigger following companies will probably not spontaneously reach out to you, but many companies consider anyone with a couple thousand followers to be an “influencer” so if there’s a company you’re interested in working with, reach out! The worst they can do is say no.

    6. Check out the #bbg community, some of them have been successful in getting their own ambassadorships and have successful followings.

  11. Do you ever dress up with you go out with your spouse?

    When we get a sitter and go out, I tend to wear, jeans, western boots, and a sweater. Maybe a casual-ish dress if it’s warm. I wear this if we are seeing a movie / bowling / seeing a play / going to a concert (any variety of music) / going to fancy steakhouse. It’s like I’m always dressed to smoke pool and get into a fight. Which would be fine if I were the Gretchen Wilson / Redneck Woman life.

    Early 40s, married, 2 grade-school kids.

    I’ve been binge-watching The Americans and have really been wishing for fancy spy clothes to wear on dates or to look like I couldn’t go out into the parking lot and deck you. FWIW I like western boots for comfort and could dress them up. OTOH, spouse doesn’t really do anything but guy golf-casual or suits (and nothing in between).

    UGH — was so much better at this when I was dating

    1. 41, married, two kids under 5. I do like to dress up a little when I go out w DH. I also like to wear lipstick, which I don’t normally do. But I stick with comfortable shoes. My heels stay at the office.

    2. This is something where I would wholeheartedly recommend Nordstrom’s personal stylists, if you have one near you.

      To answer your question, yes, I do dress up a little bit more than what I normally wear on a weekend (which tends to be very casual – jeans + tshirt/sweater, or casual dress + sneakers). My date night outfit will be different depending on the event. Sometimes it’s a nicer pair of jeans + a nicer top, other times it’s a dress with wedges, etc.

      1. What do you do or where do you go?

        It seems like the only place I wear nicer dressy things to these days is church. My nicer work clothes go to work. Work (large law firm) had fancier things pre-crash, but not really anything like that now.

        I feel like if we went to the opera (we don’t), I’d feel the need to dress for that. And if I were dating, I’d dress “hotter” (even if it was still comfortable).

        1. We mostly go to restaurants. Some fancier than others, but generally not kid-friendly places. If we went to a play, I’d probably wear either of those two outfits I mentioned above.

          I completely sympathize on the dearth of date night outfits – I realized a few years ago that all I had was work clothes + athleisure/very casual wear. I’ve made an effort to add some pieces to my wardrobe, but it is always low on my priority list! Especially now with a kid.

    3. I’m mid-30s, no kids. My day job is very dressy – heels, jewelry, sheath dresses. On the weekends, I’m super casual (workout-clothes-as-casual-attire, hair-in-a-baseball-cap) because I just can’t bear to get dressed up again. I figure he gets to see me dressed up during the week…that counts, right?

      Thankfully, he’s a casual guy himself during his off-time.

    4. Yeah, but full disclosure by default style is pretty dressy, I typically don’t wear flats, and I always wear makeup outside the house unless I am working out or just running out to pick up something quickly.

    5. I dress up. TBH I dress up more to go out with my friends (women) because they appreciate it more — husband never says “omg I love your eyeliner!” or whatever, sadly. But (1) I lean toward dressiness and (2) I am always a level of dressiness above him. I’ve just learned to live with it. So on a weekend date night, we’ll probably go to a bar/restaurant where any clothes would be fine, and he’ll be in shorts and a tee shirt and I’ll be in a sundress and heeled sandals, or at like a sushi bar and he’ll be in jeans and I’ll be in a pretty wrap dress.

      1. This is me too. My dh is very very casual on weekends and most of the time when we go out (we stick to more casual places). I try to only dress up one step higher than him.

    6. My husband and I go on dates so rarely (we have three small kids and haven’t found a good babysitter, which I should work on. . .) that it is usually for a special occasion at a fancy restaurant and so I wear a dress and heels, do my hair and makeup. I like dressing up for him and he acts like he appreciates it so that helps, haha. We are almost always otherwise in work clothes or extra casual clothes.

    7. Yes I do dress up, but just a little outwardly. I do however wear pretty lingerie because after all, that is the point. ;)

    8. Yep. I love getting dressed up for husband dates. My favorite is actually when we meet out for drinks or dinner and we’re both dressed up separately so he hasn’t seen me go from shower to out. Sometimes I just lock him out of the bedroom while I get dressed up so there’s some mystery. My go-to looks are usually dresses and heels. And I don’t care if it’s dressier than where I live.

      1. I love that you lock him out while getting dressed Scarlett. I have to try that. We get dressed up and go out maybe once or twice a month. I wear dresses, heels, stockings (usually fishnets which he totally loves) and makeup etc. We usually go to a nice restaurant or meet other people at a club who are also dressed up .

    9. I’m 30 and this is a huge issue for me – my wardrobe is either work or athleisure or church/wedding guest/cocktail party event. Nothing “cool” inbetween! (We don’t go anywhere on dates that cocktail dresses would work… le sigh. JK I love our brewery dates.)

  12. Has anyone used eshakti for dresses? How are they on fit and quality? I’ve gained some weight and don’t want to spend $100+ for dresses for summer weddings.

    1. I basically order from them in bulk and really like them. But… about 1 of 3 dresses has some wonky fit issue on me, especially in non-knit fabrics. I think I come out ahead, but for one dress you’re rolling the dice.

    2. I have 4 dresses from them, and I like them a lot! The knit dresses fit really well and are super comfortable, but look a little more casual in person than they do online. The non-knit dresses are a little wonkier with fit (agree with above poster) — I have two of the same size and cut of dress and one is slightly too big and one is a little tight. But I think they are a really great deal for the price! Also, they usually have at least a 10% off sale going, so wait for those.

    3. I agree, go for the knit. I have some non-stretchy ones from them and they wrinkle brutally and fit weird. Disappointing.

    4. I wil say, not great.

      I ordered from them a couple of times looking for specific color/style I couldn’t find elsewhere. I did the custom measurements thing because I am tall and nothing is ever long enough. Even with that, they fit me less well than things off the rack. I kept the first item because of paying for return shipping, and I shouldn’t have. I rarely wore it.

      Additionally, I usually buy more expensive clothing so maybe I’m spoiled, but I found the quality of the fabrics and construction sub-par.

      The second time I ordered, I did ship it back, but that plus the amount they take off for custom work made it an expensive mistake I won’t make again.

    5. I just got my first eShakti dress and I pretty much am in love. I ordered a cotton chambray shirtdress with customization and it’s great. I have wonky measurements and the dress fits really well.

    6. I ordered 3 “custom” dresses using the same sizes. The fit was ALL over the place and I only ended up keeping 1 but it gets wrinkly and so I dont really ever wear it. Definitely wont buy from them again!

  13. How long should you wait before following up post-interview? I had an in-house first round interview last week, the recruiter at the company sent me an application/authorization for background check two days later, and when I emailed to let her know I’d filled everything out she said she’d keep me posted. It’s been over a week, and I haven’t heard anything. I also had a first round law firm interview this week – how long to wait to follow up on that?

    Also, how do you all feel about sending thank you emails post-interviews?

    1. Don’t send them. In-house, the entire team interviews every candidate, and we circulate any emailed thank you notes to the GC. Inevitably – 1) something is misspelled and/or 2) the thank you notes are all 90% identical with minor variations. We’ve never NOT hired someone due to lack of thank you notes (I didn’t send them, fwiw).

      1. Just curious–do you/does your company “ding” a candidate for nearly identical thank-you notes with minor variations? If you send thank-you notes after an interview, what’s the alternative? Are deeply thought-out, individualized thank-you notes practical, particularly since candidates should send them quickly in case hiring decisions are being made soon? What is there to say other than some version of, “Thank you for meeting with me today. I enjoyed discussing X with you. I am interested in the position and think I’d be a great fit.”

          1. I don’t send thank-you emails because I can never seem to get the right tone, and it just seems to have potential to create more problems than to propel you into a position.

            But (a) it’s not lazier to send generic thank-yous than to skip it altogether, and (b) seriously, what else are you supposed to say? A typical candidate interviewing with an entire team has probably either met with multiple people at once or has spent 15-20 minutes speaking with each person. You’re not sending a note to your new best friend.

      2. That was basically exactly my thought process. At both positions, I met with four different people, and there’s no way I could come up with dramatically different thank you notes for each one. I also personally hate inbox clutter and think they feel a bit “career services told me I had to do this.” Though I’m pretty sure I could have managed to send them without misspellings!

      3. Do NOT send thank yous. They never help, can only hurt. I hired 47 people in 3 years and only the females sent thank you notes. It’s so deeply gendered it’s ridiculous.

      4. I’m also against thank you notes. They’re always weird. They’re identical and they often have misspellings and come after we’ve at least preliminarily made a decision. And we’ve definitely had interviews where not all of us got thank you notes and that’s always commented on (I always get one and I think it’s because I’m the only female attorney in my office so they can look me up if they forget my name). Never helps and can hurt you. If you remembered to thank everyone for their time and the opportunity at the interview, you’re good.

    2. If your interview was last week, and it is now the end of the following week (this week), it’s too late to send a note anyway, so I wouldn’t do it. I am team Always Thank You– but obviously you can’t have spelling errors or write identical notes to everyone. Barring those fatal errors, if two candidates are otherwise equal, I give an advantage to the one who took the time to write a note. But send a handwritten note and send it the day after the interview– at the very latest, within the week.

      1. Yeah, I wasn’t planning to send them at this point – I’m just second guessing myself and my thought process in not sending them. This whole process is just soooo stressful.

    3. A week is nothing in the overall timeline of the hiring process. I would wait 2 weeks at a minimum and more like a month before I reached out to the recruiter. If they have news, they’ll share it.

  14. Anyone try actually buying the Lark and Ro dresses? There’s one in green I’m interested in.

    1. They didn’t fit me very well. I’m hourglassy, and in addition to a large bust I have large-ish shoulders (I mean, not like my striking friends who work out and have amazing shoulders, that’s just how my bones are) but I pretty consistently wear the same size in clothes… but the L&R stuff was bizarrely tight in the chest/shoulder area. But free shipping / free returns with Prime, so why not try?

      1. Same. I’ve tried them and they were too short. I don’t think I’m a giant or anything (5’8), but I am surprised by how many dresses marketed for work are obscenely short on me.

    3. They were incredibly hit or miss for me. Tried 5 different styles in 2 sizes each. Lots of variation in fit. But I did find my holy grail black dress for work that will go with all my jackets, so it was worth it in the end.

    4. They were incredibly hit or miss for me. Tried 5 different styles in 2 sizes each. Lots of variation in fit. But I did find my holy grail black dress for work that will go with all my jackets, so it was worth it in the end.

  15. The AP is reporting that Homeland Security will extend the carry-on laptop restriction to flights from Europe to the US. According to the article, an EU spokeswoman said that the EU is unaware of a specific security concern, and US officials have said that the Mid-East restriction was based on “longstanding concerns,” not specific intelligence. Thoughts?

    1. They are trying to distract from the Comey fiasco. Safety/security concerns always grab attention.

    2. Does anyone know when this is happening? I’m in Europe now and flying home in a few days.

      1. Check the airline’s or airport’s website. They are the real boots on the ground for this.

      2. I’m a little late, but if you fly shortly after the decision is made, the airline will more than likely accommodate you by “gate-checking” your laptop or tablet. I have a friend who was flying to Turkey a few days after the ME flights thing, and she said Turkish Airlines did a great job collecting laptops, wrapping them securely, and handing them back afterwards. OTOH, if you’re paranoid about your data and such, this might make you even more nervous.

    3. Do you know if this will extend to tablets? I’m going to Europe next month, and I’ll be super bummed if I can’t have my tablet with me on the flight home.

      1. According to the article, a Homeland Security spokesperson said there’s no final decision yet, but it sounds like the restriction being considered would apply to tablets and any electronic devices larger than a cell phone.

  16. Hey rettes, DH and I have been asked to be godparents to our friends’ baby. Is it customary for us to give a gift to the child at the time of the ceremony? If so, does anybody have any good ideas? (If it matters, this is a Unitarian ceremony so is not particularly religious in the same way that Catholic godparent-ship may be.) Thanks!

    1. Customary to give a gift. Not sure about Unitarianism but a traditional gift for baptisms is a cross necklace. My DH had a lovely one made by a local goldsmith. Other nice ideas are a high quality copy of classic children’s books or nice baby dishes like WMF.

    2. Yes, it’s customary to give a gift as a godparent. (Usually at the reception after the ceremony, not during the ceremony itself). Personally, I like to set up a 529 account for the kid and drop $50-100 into that (this is as a godparent, which I take very seriously – wouldn’t just do this for a random baptism). Then for the first few years, all birthday/Christmas/etc gifts for the kid are deposits to the account (noted in a card, along with maybe a $5 book or toy as a token).

    3. UU dedications often include a rose, so you could riff off that theme if you wanted to. Other than that, the beauty of Unitarianism is that there tend to be basically no standard customs (said with love and humor from a lifelong UU), so you could do nothing and that would be fine, or you could do basically any little baby gift and that would also be fine.

    4. We got our goddaughter an engraved silver frame with her name and the date, for a picture from the baptism.

    5. Yes it’s customary. Give a commemorative gift like a rattle from tiffany or reed and Barton, and then a small savings bond.

      1. Please don’t give a savings bond. Just give a check to the parents with “kid college” in the memo. Savings bonds are a PIA (signed, someone who is still waiting for about a dozen to mature)

    6. I hear amazing things about the Jesus Storybook Bible. You might want to check if that would be appropriate for a Unitarian ceremony, but it might be!

    7. Christian gifts, like a cross or a bible, are not appropriate (assuming this is in the US).

  17. The New York Times wrote a piece “Health Care, Daughters Know All About it” that is worth a read and a call to your elected representatives to assure that there are solid healthcare options for our aging parents and elders. Daughters are not a health care plan. End of life care can affect work and living situations.

    Am I the only one who thinks that Daughters are not an elder care plan?

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/well/family/health-care-daughters-know-all-about-it.html

    1. Daughters are not an elder care plan, but what are you supposed to do when there is literally no other option? I’m stuck taking care of my parents and I hate it and they hate it but I’m the only one around so what are we all supposed to do?

      1. I don’t think ToS would disagree with any of that. I know I don’t.

        I took her comment to mean that we shouldn’t expect daughters to be the backstop. As the only daughter (I have a brother though), I don’t want it to be assumed that I’m going to be the plan. I’d prefer that we have healthcare options that allow me not to inexpertly deal with my parents’ needs as they age.

        What we do is advocate for the status quo to change.

  18. Hopefully lawyers or law enforcement can answer this question: Under what conditions in the United States can a case be investigated federally or by the military rather than locally by the police?

    I will be consulting with a friend retired from the Coast Guard about the likelihood of the Coast Guard actually performing an investigation or making a discovery, but any direction you can give would be very helpful.

    If you provide the handle under which you wish to be acknowledged in the book, I would love to include it as well.

    1. State police powers are incredibly broad. Depending on how spunky your local police characters are, you can’t tell them they can’t investigate something within their geographic jurisdiction. They can’t trespass on restricted property (e.g., a military base) and probably can’t enter that without a warrant (but see exigent circumstances). And out into offshore waters is something interesting that I don’t know the answer to. But the feds have limited jurisdiction relative to state actors.

      1. Love the use of the word spunky here. I think I need to use it more in this context.

    2. If a crime was committed on federal land–and that includes army bases–it will be investigated federally. So that includes assault while in the home of a drill sergeant, for instance.

      1. I work in federal court and we have traffic court for the local army base — so even REALLY minor stuff can go federal.

    3. The question is too vague to answer. It depends on the crime involved, the part of the country you’re talking about, and the division of labor between state and federal authorities. In my area (small city on the east coast), the Coast Guard assumes some authority for investigating OUIs (operating under the influence, AKA “boating while drunk), very much like a local police force would, so there’s certainly the possibility of the CG getting involved in relatively trivial offenses. Military authorities often conduct their own investigations into the conduct of their own employees, even when local police are conducting their own investigation. It really just depends.

    4. Short answer: if the Feds or military have jurisdiction, they can investigate. Less likely that federal law enforcement (dea/FBI/etc.) will investigate minor crimes, but it all depends (any post office link typically gets federal investigation with the post master or homeland security). Crimes on federal land are investigated federally (e.g., military police investigate on military base, park service investigates on park land). Exclusive federal jurisdiction gets you federal investigators. If there is dual jurisdiction (local and Feds) it usually depends who started the investigation and if the Feds want it.

  19. I have an upcoming interview with a certain Biglaw firm that is famous for its “flip flop” dress code. FWIW I’m a lateral, not a law student. I should just wear a suit, right?

    3. I agree with the “soften it” advice. I would go for a skirt suit, maybe, with a top underneath that is NOT a starched white button down.

    4. I had a lateral interview with a similar flip-flop BigLaw firm a few months ago and wore a non-matching sheath dress and blazer

    5. I had no idea there was such a thing…can someone out the flip-flop law firm?

    6. I wore what would otherwise not be an interview-appropriate suit to an interview at a flip-flop firm. Grey tweed suit on the casual side with velvet piping. I was glad I wore a cap-sleeves blouse underneath because when we went to lunch my interviewers joked they wouldn’t take me to lunch if I wore my jacket.

  21. Yet another friend and her DH bought a million dollar home. I feel like life has left me behind at age 37 – single, no kids and renting. Thing is I could buy a home on my own, and yet I always viewed that as something you did when you had/were about to have your own family – I want a single family home like all these friends but then I question whether I want to be in a family neighborhood where ppl buy for the school districts by myself and resign myself to life in a 1 bedroom. Sorry for the pity party.

    1. Did you post this a while back? Somebody did and a whole bunch of people including me encouraged you to go for it! I’ve bought two houses on my own and it was great! Nothing beats making all those design/decor decisions all on your own without having to compromise with anybody!

      1. Haven’t posted before — will try to see if I can find that one; would be interesting to see the reactions.

      2. +1 – buying on your own can be a great way to invest and I loved owning my own places/ making all the decisions before I met my husband. I firmly believe in living the life you want now.

    2. I feel you. I instead bought a fabulous condo in the city that I will be able to rent out if I decide to move to a single family home at some point. Have you thought about doing something like that? Or upgrading to a nicer 1 bedroom or even a two bedroom apartment and see how you like it? Basically, it sounds like you need to make a move that allows you to feel like you’re enjoying the life that you have, not waiting around for the life that you want (and punishing yourself by living in a crappy rental in the meantime).

      1. I agree with Senior Attorney that you should buy the single family home if that’s what you want. I also agree though with your questioning whether you want to be in a family neighborhood. You know yourself best. For me, I am happiest right now living in a trendy neighborhood close to work. Don’t move to a single family home if you don’t think that it will work for your current lifestyle. I totally have a single friend who adores doing yard work in her quiet suburban neighborhood, while I am happiest right now in my zero maintenance condo with everything in walking distance. Give yourself permission to fully live the life that you have right now, whatever that looks like for you.

      2. I 100% agree about not punishing yourself for not having the life you want!

        1. Thanks for putting it that way. Now that you say it I really wonder if I am “punishing” myself bc life didn’t turn out how I or society expected – so a 1 bedroom rental is “good enough.”

          1. So I’m 36, no kids, and single. Two years ago, I bought a condo, and I’m considering buying a house in the next year or so. And honestly, I really, really had to learn to let go of the idea that I wasn’t “allowed” to do certain things because I’m not married. The thing is, when you do get married (if that’s what happens), do you want these years to have been sad ones, or do you want them to have been happy, fulfilling ones? Because you are going to live these years either way. I know it’s hard, but you deserve to live your real life now.

    3. Buy your own home! I bought my first home when I was 25 (good job in a LCOLA + first time homebuyer program) and I’ve had houses as I’ve moved around the country. I bought a 2 bedroom garden condo last year in the older, close-in suburbs of a major city. Some people have kids, but it’s a mix of every stage of life. It’s legally a condo, but it has the feel of a townhouse and I have a private courtyard that backs to woods, so it feels like a house. And oh yeah, it’s the same cost as a 1 bedroom apartment in a high rise. (Let me know if you live in DC – I’ll share the neighborhood with you ;) )

      1. OP here — I’m in DC, so please share!

        I know what people are saying — I CAN buy a property of some type and that’s not dependent on single vs. married. I guess what I didn’t get across is what I really like/want would be the 5 bedroom new construction homes in the close in suburbs of DC. Historically people only buy those when they are at a certain level of their career (which I guess I am) AND have a spouse and kids or are going to have kids with the intention of sending them to school in those districts. So it seems like a “waste” for a single person to buy in those places; and yet I’m not interested in a condo on H street just bc single people should want to live in gentrifying neighborhoods that are “up and coming.”

        1. Buy the house!!

          When I separated from my last husband I moved to a Fashionable Downtown Apartment with the expectation that I would love it and end up buying a Fashionable Downtown Condo. Turned out I hated it. I really really like having a house and a yard in a nice neighborhood, so as soon as I could, I bought myself one and I loved it! It wasn’t wasted on me and it won’t be wasted on you! Then when I married my current (childless widower) husband I moved into his big ol’ house in the fabulous school district and the two of us rattle around in all that space and work in our garden and are happy as can be!

          Buy the house! Buy the house!

        2. Buy what you like! Don’t worry about it being a “waste”–if you want to, you can think of it as supporting (with tax dollars) a community with young families without using/draining the resources (public schools) yourself. Or don’t think about it at all!

          Once you start looking, you may also find some smaller homes (3 bedrooms, not condos) that meet your other criteria. 5 bedrooms is a lot of house, and a lot to maintain and clean. But ultimately, you do you!

          1. on the upside, if you’re not using all those rooms they don’t need to be cleaned nearly as often. I always say I’m going to buy a 5 bedroom house for me and the dog and just sleep in a different room every night :)

        3. I’m not in DC, but I know of women at my firm in more senior positions who have single-family homes. One has a roommate. Another is a single mother (by choice). A third bought a big, new-construction house because she hosts her extended family frequently. If you can afford it, you can do it!

        4. This might double-post, but let me try again.

          Do you know the Shirlington area? My neighborhood is Parkfairfax. Two bedrooms go for around $300k. After condo fees, that works out to about $2100 per month total. The John and John team were my agents (parkfairfax.com) and it’s a team of great guys who all work together and live in the neighborhood. If you can find it, get a unit on a cul-de-sac so you have super great parking. And hey, FWIW, there are TONS of single women in neighborhood! My street is probably 60% single women homeowners from age 30 to 75. (And I know almost everyone on my street too – it’s cozy like that <3) Big trees, green lawns, tons of azaleas, and everyone says hi to everyone else. My boyfriend and I often walk over to Shirlington for dinner or Sunday brunch; there are 3 big community swimming pools; there's a CVS and a Safeway within a mile; they do a tree lighting at Christmas <3; and WMATA and DASH buses run frequently.

          If you're looking for a bigger house but less of a yard, there's Fairlington across the street/Quaker Lane. They have full basements and seem to start around $400k (don't quote me on that, that was more than I could afford, so I never paid much attention).

        5. Don’t think of the 5 bedrooms as for you+4 kids. Perhaps 1 bed is your master bedroom and you turn a second one into the closet of your dreams. A third bedroom could be your yoga/meditiation/reading room with a great chair and a coffee/tea station set up. The fourth might be an office and the fifth a guest space. You just took that five bedroom home and made it an amazing space customized to your liking.

          1. Yup! We’ve got four bedrooms and one is for us, one is the Woman Cave (closet/dressing room/office), one is the Man Cave (office/library), and one is the guest room.

          2. I would loooove to have a 4 bedroom arrangement like this if I ever end up living with a SO, I can’t imagine not having my own space, and I also like having a guest room. I have never had to share a closet with anyone as an adult and I know I would struggle so much.

        6. When I was in Arlington, me and all of my single 30-something attorney GFs bought condos, townhouses, and SF houses. I don’t think we would have spent $1M on 5 BRs (want to keep the golden handcuffs somewhat at bay), but that was for thriftiness more than OMG not a Smug Married. It was more 500K for 2-3 BR places (back then, pre-crash, not sure what prices would be now). But still we did it and we bonded over figuring out how to do all of the house things and going to the Home Despot every weekend. Do it!

    4. OMG yes buy a house on your own! Decorate it and set it up exactly how you like it. I’m a decade younger than you and had a chance to buy a place of my own because I live in a LCOL/gentrifying city, and I am so glad I did. I rent out a bedroom to the roommate I had been living with already but I would also be happy to live in it alone. I am so so glad that I did it. If you buy just for yourself you don’t have to worry as much about school district or buying a big place – I bought a smaller single family home in the city in what is known to be a pretty crappy district. I have lots of non child friendly features in the house. There are definitely options between a one bedroom condo and a 5 bedroom mcmansion way out in the burbs.

    5. I can relate to this feeling (a lot), but if you’re in a position to buy a home financially, you CAN. There’s a lot of middle ground between single-family home in a good school district and a one-bedroom rental. I live in a semi-urban neighborhood where the houses are nice (but smaller, because they’re old). Many of my neighbors have kids, but it’s not the same as being in a suburban neighborhood where everyone is separated by vast expanses of lawn. I bought my house when I was 30 (I’m 33 now). I don’t regret it – it feels more like a home to me than any rental I ever had.

      Anyway, all I’m saying is don’t let your relationship status hold you back from buying a house, if that’s something you can do and something you want to do.

    6. I bought a house when I was single and alone. Gave me great equity now that I am married and we are selling it to buy a larger home. No downsides other than you have to eat all the unexpected homeowner costs yourself (and there’s no one else to be home to let in the gas guy or whatever!). I LOVED having a home that was mine – painting the walls, hanging stuff with real nails, etc. Do it!

    8. I’m in my 30s, single, and childless, and if I could afford it, I would buy a single family home. Unfortunately, the only way that’s going to happen is if I move over an hour from work, get serious enough with a partner that makes more than me that we buy one together, both my parents die (obviously will happen, but I hope not for another 30+ years, and by then they may have spent all their money anyway), or the real estate market completely tanks, but I keep my job. Best I can hope for now is maybe a two bedroom condo, but even those are pricey in the area I currently rent in. If you can make it happen, go for it!

    9. I am 38, same boat. I can’t afford to buy a home within a comfortable commute from my job, or else I would. So from my perspective, I say do it if you can afford it.

      The only other reason, other than finances, that I am reluctant to buy is the upkeep. I’m not handy so there would be lots of time spent dealing with repair people, etc. (and more money too) not to mention all of the decisions that go into renovations and maintenance. For me, it would be nice to have someone to share that with.

      1. In the same boat, but close to being able to afford. I travel a lot for work and work very long hours, and although I prefer the idea of a single family home, the upkeep involved probably is not feasible for me. I have begrudgingly started to look at condos and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.

        1. I hear you. Single lady buying a condo just seems…blah. Single lady renting with money put aside for a house seems more devil-may-care yet fiscally responsible.

    10. Buy a house. Seriously. Buy it for the life you live now not the life you thought you’d have or the life you wish you had. Decorate it exactly how you want it. Make decisions with no one else’s input. Stop putting your life on hold. You’ll be happier. I promise.

      1. But you can also buy a smaller house/condo! No need to get one as big as other people if you don’t need the space for you to be happy. (This is my plan if I don’t marry anyone in the next like, 10 years).

    11. I hear you.

      But honestly, when I read “million dollar home”, my stomach sunk a little. You know what their monthly payments will be, and their electricity, and property taxes and… ?…. yikes!! You are saving a ton of $$ and will retire earlier and more securely by living the way you want to live now.

      But hey… if you want a house, and can afford it, then I agree go for it. Why not? Maybe you love spending your days at home with space for pets to roam free and gardening and DYI home upkeep is your passion. I definitely have a friends like this. Then a house really is perfect for you. Go for it.

      I am single and now in my 40’s and I definitely love the freedom of not having to mow my lawn every weekend in suburban family-town. No worries about high utilities bills, tons of space to clean I don’t even use, and living further from the things I enjoy doing (and further from work….). I live the way I want, I am not tied down and can afford all the little perks that make more life more interesting for me – season tickets to things I love, travel, personal perks – while saving well. And when I want a touch of suburbia, I visit my friends…. but I admit, I love escaping back to the city more!

      If the real underlying issue is that you aren’t where you would like to be at this point in your life…. well, you are old enough to know that many variables are beyond our control and life for most of us is not like the fairy tales. Probably half (or more!) or your friends buying those $1 million dollar houses are going to be financially in a bind and/or divorced within 5-10 years and may have underlying stressors that you will never know.

      Things are rarely as they appear, and nothing is ever as good as your fantasies.

      1. Yeah, I live in Arlington in a neighborhood full of $1.3M 5-6 bedroom houses, and I’m skeptical even the families need them (we bought a $750K 3 bedroom cape code for our family of four and sometimes even that seems extravagent). So yes, people might judge but that’s not necessarily because you’re single. Some people (like me) just can’t imagine voluntarily having such a huge carbon footprint and spending so much money on so much space. But to each their own.

  22. Where can I find some fit and flare dresses for a pear shape that will travel well? Hidden pockets would be ideal, although I could live without if needed. I’d prefer short sleeve since I will be traveling to a country where modesty is expected for tourist sites. TIA!

    1. Lands End ponte A-line dresses. No sleeves, but have pockets and wear/machine wash well.

    2. I was just at Banana Republic Factory and they had a cute fit and flare dress with a texture that makes it seem like one of those that won’t wrinkle. I think it had pockets. Just looked it up and it’s called the textured knit fit and flare dress.

      1. Also, I don’t know if this fits your definition of a true fit and flare, but you might check out Karina Dresses. They are amazingly comfortable and don’t wrinkle. I think they make a few styles with pockets.

  23. I’m wondering if anyone here has wisdom to share about finding treatment/a way to even get evaluated for endometriosis. I have been dealing with some chronic health problems for a long long time without any clear diagnosis, and I recently found out that a relative with all of the same symptoms was diagnosed with endo. I remember reading some things on here about the best ways to be treated, who to see, etc. I’m feeling really overwhelmed by google and I would so appreciate any advice or resources! It seems like such a tricky disease but also the most plausible explanation for my symptoms out of anything I have been tested for up until now.

    1. A trusted/well regarded obgyn. If you are located in a major city/near a university hospital, many university medical groups have endometriosis specialists. However, the only way to be formally diagnosed is through a laparoscopy (major surgery). Most diagnoses are based on symptoms alone. Treatment is often confined to a prescription for birth control (that may or may not actually control your symptoms because thanks for investing in women’s healthcare modern medicine).

    2. I told my PCP I was concerned I had it, and she gave me a referral for an ultrasound. Didn’t have it, but got a different birth control and that resolved all symptoms.

    3. I was diagnosed with moderate (stage II) endo via laparoscopy. As far as I know, the only way to get a definitive diagnosis is by laparoscopy. Do you have an OB/gyn? I would start there and discuss your symptoms and whether a lap makes sense for you. Besides excision of adhesions via lap, other treatment options are birth control pills or Lupron Depot shots. I did six months of Lupron and the side effects were pretty unpleasant, and the endo does grow back after you stop.

      If you decide to get a lap, work with a doctor who has a lot of experience with the procedure. Ask what they’ll do if there are adhesions on your ovaries. Excision of endo from the ovaries can result in diminished ovarian reserve if ovarian tissue has to be removed, and that can cause fertility problems (not sure if you want to get pregnant in the future).

    4. Have researched it for 18+ years. Only see a specialist with significant experience in endo; most ob’s claim to know but don’t and the surgeries to burn or “manage” endo can be very harmful and make things worse. The best website for info is the Center for Endometriosis Care, which has tons of info and they’re one of the top specialists in the world. They offer free consults via written documentation and such, so consider that. If it was me again, I’d submit the info for the free consult with the CEC (mentioned in the last sentence) and let the guide me from there. Not only do their surgeons specialize, they win awards for bedside manner. I’ve researched thousands of docs in the US and CEC is always at the top of the list.

      Never ever ever do lupron, it’s a bandaid to the problem and the side effects are often permanent (new research all the time showing how damaging it is to the body). Don’t let docs tell you that ultrasounds are conclusive or that they can just burn off what they can see. The only true way to handle endo is through excision, which should only happen with an endometriosis specialist.

      Will check back here Sun. night, feel free to post an email if you want to talk more and I can email you!!

  24. Any suggestions for skincare brands to look at for “experienced” skin? Looking to upgrade from drugstore brands but don’t want to break the bank initially. I had a facial at a spa last weekend and they used skinceuticals, which felt fabulous, but replacing all my products would be pricey. Any recommendations for products to start with would be appreciated.

    1. From a skincare junkie, this isn’t the way to go about it. Also, what is “experienced” skin? I assume you mean you are over 40?

      In any event, the most logical thing to do is to prioritize where the money goes. A retinol or vitamin C serum will generally be the most expensive part of a good routine, because they are the hardest formulations to get right, and stable vitamin C as an ingredient is very expensive. Cleansers are generally the least expensive, because they are on your skin for the least amount of time. Everything else is in the middle.

      Lastly, it isn’t about the brand. It’s about the product. And remember, expensive products do not always equal better products.

      What specifically are you looking to upgrade?

      1. Yes, well past 40 actually. Skin is not overly dry for my age but I look dull. Looking for something to exfoliate the dead skin, brighten it up, & also an excellent moisturizer. I do currently use a non-prescription retinol serum.

        1. Look at Jan Marini produts. Not cheap but these products have made a world of difference in my 40+ skin.

    2. I think people are liking The Ordinary. I haven’t taken the plunge and I also have “experienced” skin but I would do it.

      Any of you experts want to put together a sample skin care regimen from The Ordinary products?

      1. I should mention, I’m a big believer in a prescription retinoid. They’re somewhat expensive to fill but you only used a pea sized amount and they last forever. Not difficult at all to get a prescription. If your primary doctor won’t do it, get a consult with a derm for an annual skin cancer screening, which you should be doing anyway, and ask the derm for a scrip.

        1. There are a lot of generics now that are dirt cheap. And one tube can last many months, when used sparingly as directed.

    3. isClinical. Love their skin care line. It’s not cheap, but not as expensive across the line as Skin Ceuticals (which I also love). They have a line designed for “experienced” skin, so I would start there.

      For eyes, DEJ is my favorite.

    4. What is “experienced skin”? Should I be giving my skin extra care because I traumatized it with Nair when I was in college???

    5. I’d suggest the timeless vitamin c/e serum on Amazon (or their website) it’s a GREAT dupe for skinceutucals.
      Maybe play around with some cheap asian serums/creams? Mizon, tony moly, and laneige are good reasonably priced brands to explore!

    6. I’ve tried a lot of different brands.

      If you’re looking to try splurge-worthy brands, look at Avene or Caudalie. They are both made in France. Exquisite brands with nice ingredients. But they are more pricey.

      I usually mix some drug store with higher end brands. CeraVe is a great drugstore brand with active ingredients that make a real difference.

      What I love and use daily:

      Morning:

      Resist C15 Super Booster with 15% Vitamin C and Vitamin E and Ferulic Acid from Paula’s Choice (the combo of Ferulic Acid plus Vitamin C makes it much more effective. This brand is solid but cheaper than many I’ve seen).
      CeraVe AM Moisturizing Lotion – with ceramides, niacinamide, and hyaluronic acid plus broad spectrum sunscreen (all excellent anti-aging ingredients)
      Reservatrol Lift from Caudalie Eye Cream

      Evening:
      Retinol Correxion Sensitive Night Cream from ROC (love the smell and texture. Not too expensive, but I would get a prescription next time I go to the derm)
      Positively Radiant Intensive Night Cream with B3 from Aveeno (love the texture and how this smells!)

      Hope some of these items work for you.

      1. If you like Skinceuticals, do Skinceuticals. But do it through Dermstore. Several times a year they do SC at 20% off. I stock up on what I need then without spending quite so much.

  25. I’m trying to figure out what to wear to a company party – dress code is “cocktail”, on a weeknight in May. I am self conscious about being overweight lately, and am carrying it in my arms and belly. Plus, I avoid skirts in the summer for work situations due to a lot of spider veins. I’m thinking cold shoulder/off the shoulder blouse with elbow or long sleeves in black and black ankle pants. Interesting shoes and jewelry to liven it up. Yes or no? Other ideas? My normal office attire is business casual (medium sized Midwestern city.)

    2. Moderation for c0cktail I guessing.

      I don’t think you should worry about your spider veins – you can either just rock them, or tone down the skin/vein contrast with some self tanner – but the outfit you’ve described sounds really pretty.

      For me the way I dress up a work outfit is to wear larger, dangly earrings (something sparkly would be nice) and no necklace. Depending on your hairstyle I’d wear it half up or all the way up so that the earrings are visible. I’d probably also wear a c0cktail ring, no bracelets, because c0cktail rings look so pretty when you’re holding a c0cktail (hence the name, I suppose) and really telegraph “dressed up, not for work.”

      Add a sharp pair of low heeled shoes to your outfit and you’re all set.

  26. Ugh, I think I just got called by one of those telemarketing scams where they trick you into saying “yes” to get a recording of you saying it and then hang up. I still haven’t figured out what they actually use the recording for (I can’t think of any accounts I have where the phone tree would authenticate based on me saying “yes”) but is there anything I should do proactively?

    1. Check your credit report now, and at least every quarter. You can get free ones from the big companies once a year, but my credit card will run me a free report whenever I want.

    2. They often want you to say “yes” so they can connect you to a human who scams you. It might not be a scam yet. You can also freeze your credit if you’re really concerned.

  27. I am re-watching The Americans from Season 1. I know everyone says it’s the best show on TV, etc, especially more recently, but I really like the first season was the best — when it was more of a caper and disguises were over the top and the music freaking rocked. Like the pilot was the best episode I have ever seen. Am too shallow to appreciate good tv? The recent seasons just seem so slow and depressing.

    2. Funny, my husband and I just watched the most recent episode last night, and when it was over he turned to me and said, “This is still a good show, but the last three or four episodes have been pretty blah.”

      I think so, too. I don’t want to give any spoilers here, but I’m pretty tired of the entire Pastor Tim storyline.

      1. I have been watching Billions on Showtime for two seasons and *just* realized that Dollar Bill is Pastor Tim. It actually makes me like Pastor Tim a little more, although I still want him to go to Africa or wherever.

        1. I don’t care where Pastor Tim goes so long as I don’t have to see his annoying bad blond haircut again!

  28. I’m trying to up my shoe game and have noticed that white sneakers are the thing for weekends. Which are your favorite? Converse are classics but just do not work on my wide, flat feet.

    1. I love Vans. New Balance has their classic shoe which is great too. Cap Hill Style covers this question occasionally.

    3. I just got cute slip-ons from Steve Madden (they’re called Ecentrcq). They’re super cute and comfortable and best of all come in blush, my Spring color obsession, olive green, black and possibly white. I get a lot of compliments on them, and they’re a little more stylish than my plain white Supergas.

  29. Paging fellow kitten fosters/veterinarians/doctors. I’ve been fostering kittens for my local ASPCA for a few years now. I just got 3 kittens that were somewhat feral. They were treated with Pyrantel before I picked them up and have vomited/pOOped round worms (that I think are dead). Can I be infected with them? Of course doing frequent hand washes, etc, but still nervous and have never had this situation before (where I could actually see the worms in their excrement). Just need some confirmation that cross contamination from them to me is (hopefully) unlikely. Thanks ladies!

    1. If they’re pooping them out, the worms are dead. Just in case I’d get them poop/vomit right out to the outside trash, clean up wearing gloves and do good hand washing.

    2. I am none of those things BUT roundworms are very very common in cats and dogs and I’ve had pets poop out the dead worms. That’s how they get rid of them and is exactly the right thing to happen. I haven’t had my puppies puke them, but the internet says that’s normal for kittens. If they are getting treatment and the worms are dead and you aren’t eating kitten poop, I think you should be okay. If you are eating kitten poop, ringworms might not be your biggest problem :-)

  30. Has anyone tried the Luna mini? I have a Clarisonic but don’t love the abrasiveness or the frequency of charging. The Luna looks like a viable option, or am I being suckered by their advertising?

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