Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

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These jeans at Nordstrom are an option that’s available up to size 24.

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  1. Ok, so I am going to a funeral out of town and will be spending the weekend at various events/dinners with my husband’s cousins. some of them are perfectly lovely, others are aggressively conservative and very vocal. In particular, the husband of one of the cousins. I’m hoping that this doesn’t ruin the memorial weekend. My immediate in-laws are great, but I don’t think anyone will shut down the political talk. How can I cope without saying something snarky or leaving the room? For example, this guy loves the whole “snowflake” thing, loves poking fun at people and is casually racist.

    • Anonymous :

      For my uncle who loves to make fun of snowflakes (my brother is a vegetarian, I was on a plant-based aka vegan diet while overcoming a medical condition), I had this:

      Him: I’m a second degree vegetarian: the cow eats the grass and I eat the cow!
      Me: Aren’t you a special little snowflake?

      He kind of walked into that one…

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I’ve had decent luck saying “we are on opposite sides on that one and I think it’s best if we don’t discuss it.” If they persist, I just say “I’m here for a ____ (wedding, funeral, thanksgiving). If they say something else “again, I’m not discussing it.” It usually takes 3 tries or so, but they usually get frustrated and stop.

  2. It is time to leave my biglaw firm. My firm has pivoted to a different practice focus area, and also, my office is very much a satellite office beholden to the mother ship, which creates staffing issues. I’d prefer to stay in the same city, but I am open to changing geographies to where I was pre-law school or to the other big city I am licensed in.

    How do you spin that you really want out of where you are, when you are going to another firm that essentially does the same thing? I like what I do–I just don’t want to keep on at the firm I’m at.

    Please give me all the lateral tips, please. FWIW, I am a junior in corporate. And I want to go to a “better” firm to do approximately the same work. And I know I can’t slag off the firm I’m in–it’s a good firm, but it’s just a rough work environment.

    Also, if your firm is looking in CA, NY, Chicago, Seattle or MA, please post firm names. I have made a comprehensive list, but if there’s anything under the radar, would love to hear about it. Thanks, Hive.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I think you have your answer in that you are principally interested in doing X and your firm has switched its focus to Y, and also that you are looking to join a firm with a larger presence in your region (although change that up for different geographies, of course).

      • Anonymous :

        +1. Practice this answer until you can say it confidently. Don’t badmouth your current firm- you can say you’ve learned a lot there and leave it at that. In my experience, as long as you have a plausible reason for moving and don’t squirm too much when stating it, people move on to the next question. If you are relocating, you will also need to answer the ancillary question of why do you want to move to this city?

      • I am not sure if you could work for a small BOUTIQUE firm doing onley worker’s compensation in NYS, but if you are intereseted, leave me your e-mail and I will contact you. You would be workeing for me, doeing what Mason used to do. Let me know, and I will talk to the manageing partner after you send me your CV. YAY!!!

    • Rainbow Hair :


      “I really want to expand my skills in [ABC], and while [stuff that let you sort of ABC at OldFirm], I’m excited for the opportunity to [ABC for real] at TargetFirm.”

  3. Favorite savory brunch ideas for hosting OctoBrunch sometime next month? I prefer recipes I can prep and have cooking (or already prepped/ready) without intervention when people start to show up.

    Already thinking some kind of quiche, maybe some baked vegetables (I did asparagus at the start of the spring, which was delicious), but wanted some new ideas to try!

    If it matters, probably hosting about 12 adults and the same number of toddler age kids.

    • Anonymous :

      These are really good

    • bisquick sausage balls

    • I’ve saved this to my ptrest boards, but not made it. https://www.onceuponachef.com/recipes/savory-sausage-and-cheddar-bread-pudding.html

    • I like sweet potato hash! To a skillet add diced sweet potatoes, onions, peppers, precooked sausage (I like using lil smokies). I like serving it with shredded cheese and salsa.

    • I like throwing a bunch of things in the skillet: diced sweet potatoes, onions, bell peppers, pre cooked sausage. Serve with cheese and salsa.

    • Pioneer Woman Sleepin’ In Omelet is so good for this sort of thing. I lessen the butter a bit, but it is very savory and delicious (not at all low fat . . .).

    • MandaPanda :

      Biscuits and gravy (put the gravy in the crock pot), chile relleno casserole, breakfast taco bar.

    • Savory winners at my brunches, all finger foods that can be prepped beforehand and thrown in an oven while guests are arriving or prepped ahead (all recipes easily findable Pinterest)
      – Bacon-wrapped tater tots
      – Mini quiches/egg muffins/frittatas
      – Corn-dog muffins

      For more of a fall flavor, consider doing something with sweet potatoes and maple bacon, or pumpkin spice monkey bread, or apple pie bites (using crescent rolls).

    • Thanks, all! Looking like some winners here.

    • I make a couple of stratas – one w sausage, another all veggie. You prepare the night before, bake the next morning. I usually serve with salsa and do fruit on the side. Done. I love it because I don’t have to get up early to cook. It’s my go-to for all brunches at home, and it’s always a hit – easier and more forgiving than quiche. If I’m feeling fancy, may source local donuts to serve too. http://allrecipes.com/recipe/20913/easy-sausage-strata/

  4. Bar Results? :

    My comment got tied up in moderation earlier, so reposting here . . .
    I know from Facebook that Illinois, Florida, and some other bars already have results out. If you didn’t pass, hugs to you! It sucks, but many of us have been there. My old dean of students is an executive coach and wrote about how to handle the news, so I’m sharing it here. http://www.apochromatik.com/blog/2017/9/29/bar-exam-results-are-innow-what

    • You got tied up in moderation because no one enjoys blatant advertising on this page.

      • Mindlessly scrolling b/c I didn’t have the nerve to post that I failed (IL) and have been in shock. Feel sick to my stomach and don’t want to tell anyone. All day I’ve told myself it’s a bad dream so I don’t want to go to sleep and have it be real tomorrow. I feel so embarassed. I don’t know what 11:18 pm’s problem is but thank you for this. I don’t know if this is good advice but the Cousin Vinny part made me laugh (and then I went and watched that part on YouTube. “Six times!”).

        Anyone on here fail now and want to commiserate? Or years ago and now can say you made it? (OP?)

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Hugs. I’m sorry. That sucks.

          Take care of yourself! It’s just a test, and I know you’ll knock it out of the park next time.

        • I failed, a total of three times across 2 bars. If I hadn’t failed, I wouldn’t have taken an internship that landed me a job that, over a few years, made me an expert in my niche field. Now in BigLaw, and can tell you that no one has asked me how many times I had to take the bar exam, and I’m still the “Firm’s XX Expert” regardless of my barzam stats. I’ve told a couple of my peer-colleagues, and they don’t care. It’s literally a non-topic for everyone else – bosses, partners, clients, etc. After it’s over and reality of a job sets in, no one talks about it anymore. No one asked me how many times I had to take the bar when I applied for the job I have now (although another firm did, and tbh another person noticed the lag between my graduation date and my bar admittance date in an interview, but I don’t work for them and now their clients come to me so they can go pound sand).

          I think it’s a bit scary because in law school and throughout bar prep, no one talks about what you do if you fail. The message is, “All you gotta do is pass, just whatever you do don’t fail! Or else!” Or else what? You feel bad for a bit, see what you can do to improve, and if you want you study and take it again. Or if you don’t want to, you do something else. It’s devastating while you’re in it – trust me, I know. The day after I got my barzam results I woke up to a beautiful sunny day and was seriously surprised for a couple seconds that the sun came up because I thought my world had essentially ended the day before. Time continues to march on.

          After you finish feeling bad for yourself (which you are absolutely allowed to do), get moving on figuring out what you did wrong and how you can do it right the next time. It super sucks right now, but tomorrow is a new day. Hug your pets and/or loved ones, watch terrible TV, go out on the town, whatever you need to remind yourself that you haven’t actually fallen off a cliff like law school and BarBri made you think you would.

        • Maudie Atkinson :

          Anon at 10:17 has some great wisdom born of experience. I’ll chime in only to remind you that is not a test of your self-worth.

          • Thank you for the kind comments. I slept very, very late yesterday and made it a day to watch HBO, eat junk food, and stay away from the internet and everyone else’s happiness.
            I’m starting over today (new month, new quarter, and new reality).
            10:17 anon, you’re my hero. And everyone else, your words of encouragement really helped as well. I made it through law school, so I can make it through this. I may have to say that out loud a few more times before I truly believe it, but I’m making it my mantra.

        • I failed and it was shocking and embarrassing as I graduated from H/Y/S and never failed at anything. I am now a partner at a midlaw firm and I look back and it’s just a blip in the screen. This, too, will pass. You will be stronger for it. Put together a game plan, look into second taker classes in your area, make sure to take time off of work to study full-time. You got this.

  5. Ireland or Scotland :

    I’m starting to think about vacation for summer 2018. Some friends have expressed interest in either Ireland or Scotland or both. The trip would probably be 10 days to 2 weeks. Is it possible to do both in that time or should we focus on one? Any advice about either?

    • We did our honeymoon in Scotland in 2015 and loved it! We rented a car and really enjoyed seeing the countryside as we drove around. Our favorite place we stayed was at the Corriegour Lodge. We also loved our time in Edinburgh and riding the Jacobin Steam Train.

    • Calibrachoa :

      You can do both! there is a lot of overlap with the natural beauty/historic stuff , and hopping between is simple enough because flights from Dublin or Belfast to Scotland’s hubs are easily affordable.

    • I did both in 1.5 weeks, 2 would be ideal. In Scotland, you could do Glasgow, Edinburgh, and north to Isle of Skye/Glencoe/Inverness. In Ireland, you could do Dublin + South (Wicklow, Dingle peninsula – gorgeous) + North – Belfast, giant’s causeway. Galway is lovely if you want to go all the way round. Rent a car for sure.

    • Both would be totally doable, you will have to pick and choose though. Highly recommend the Cliffs of Moher (bring a good raincoat and a change of clothes), Dublin and Howth.

    • Anonymous :

      You can literally do both, but I think especially with 10 days it would be better to focus on one. In Scotland you could easily spend a couple days each in Edinburgh and Glasgow and a week driving around the Highlands and Skye. It depends on how in depth you like to see a place I guess, but I would feel very rushed trying to do each country in less than one week.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I would definitely do a more in-depth trip to one country rather than a “survey” of two. They are both amazing places to visit. I lived in Scotland and am married to someone from Ireland, so please check back in once you make a decision!

    • Anony Mouse :

      Having lived in Scotland and traveled in Ireland and Northern Ireland, I’d suggest picking one or the other, renting a car and exploring at your own pace. That way you can get a good mix of city excitement and natural beauty.

    • Can I suggest a couple of other areas instead of the usual Skye?

      Try going to Blair Castle via Pitlochry. Blair Castle is in the village of Blair Atholl and is one of the most picture postcard castles out there. Plus, where else can you visit a castle whose owner can legally have his own army? There is also Dumfries and Galloway. It has some lovely p,aces to visit; Sweetheart Abbey, Drumlanrig castle Whithorn etc. And I love the east Neuk of Fife for a relaxed sightseeing trip. All depends on what you want.

      Actually the Visit Scotland website has some great looking itineraries if you want some research.

    • I myself prefer to do more of a deep dive – stay 2-3 weeks and discover one country/area. I have spend 2 weeks travelling in the Scottish Highlands and enjoyed it immensely, then came back few years later to travel around Isle of Skye. Having said that, you can definitely do both – Scotland and Ireland – if you pick a few highlights and focus on them. I loved Edinburgh, the city has an amazing vibe, Glen Coe and enjoyed many hikes in the Highlands, east coast was also charming (but probably not feasible within two weeks). I also liked Isle of Skye (Point of Sleat, Storr, Fairy Pools, Talisker). I haven’t been to Ireland yet.
      I think you can have a tasting of both countries and who knows, maybe you will like one of them so much that you will visit it again.
      Needless to say – you will see the most by renting a car. Public transport (esp in Skye) is not the most efficient if you want to see all in 2 weeks.

  6. speaking of lawyers and expensive schooling for other professions :

    Law school debt is insane. I say that as someone in BigLaw, so if I stick around I will get back to a net worth of $0 some day instead of being in the red.

    Even non-HYS State U law schools are expensive. If I need a legal aid lawyer or public defender or basic commercial lawyer/guardianship/elderlaw/will in any place without an NFL-team-sized city nearby in 10 years, how are those people going to be there? [Not just law: if I have a high-risk pregnancy somewhere where I need specialized OB care, my guess is I get to move short-term or just hope for the best.]

    At least in healthcare, basics often get done by nurse practitioners and PAs. Is the legal profession going to move to paralegals who can help with basic legal needs? Or something. I don’t see what we do as being sustainable (maybe we go back to the Hamilton/Burr days of “reading law” and then practicing law without law school in the middle).

    • My former in-laws live an hour and a half away from their rural state capital that isn’t big enough for an NFL team. Their town has 12,000 people and the lawyer, doctor, veterinarian, optometrist are all over 60. There’s, of course, no one to take over for them when they retire. You drive 90 minutes to the small city/capital when you need a specialist…or a Target run.

      I think this is bigger than white collar professions. It’s about American life and rural vs. urban.

    • speaking of lawyers and expensive schooling for other professions :

      I totally agree.

      My parents will have to come live with me at some point b/c their docs are an hour away now and both of them can still drive (day and night).

      My relatives in a very small town went to their town vet’s funeral (most of the town probably did). That was 15 years ago and that was their last vet.

    • Anonymous :

      I doubt the role of paralegals will expand to the practice of law. Unlike NPs and PAs who are equipped to make some diagnoses, the actual practice of law does not overlap with the high-level strategy and advising tasks lawyers perform.

      Unlike medical professionals (although telemedicine is changing this), a client need not ever meet their lawyer in person. In my practice before a federal agency, I’ve represented people from around the world, sometimes having my only contact with them being email. Just so long as there are lawyers barred in the state, there can be legal representation available.

      The main hurdle for getting lawyers to rural areas is a lack of paying clients and threats to the PSLF program for forgiving school debt. This could be mostly fixed by funding legal aid and other groups in the areas so lawyers can afford to live away from the city.

    • Here’s a shocker: some of us live in rural areas because that is what we prefer not because we suck at what we do. Letting the condescending big city lawyer persist in thinking you are a dumb incompetent hick and then rolling all over them is practically a hobby where I live. There are now and will continue to be competent professionals in rural areas.

      • Anonymous :

        Sounds like you were fortunate to graduate without massive loans that can only be paid off on big city salaries– which is what the OP is posting about.

        • Big city salaries come with big city cost of living. Your money goes further in a rural area allowing you to live and service your debt. Plus, many people are on IBR.

        • Anonymous :

          BS. I lived in NYC and Boston, and now I have a solo practice in a LCOL area that is 2 hours from the nearest city. I’m paying off 6 figures of loans by early next year by… DUN DUN DUN sacrificing lifestyle inflation. Not everything requires BigLaw salaries. The snobbery on this board is amazing.

    • Appalachia :

      I am from a very poor, very rural Appalachian area. I live in a large coastal city now, but my elderly parents still live there. They drive long distances for simple legal and other things. They had to drive over 2 hours to get to an attorney that could set up a simple trust. I can’t imagine them being OK with just doing it on the phone, and there is no high speed internet available in their area (yes, they still have to use dial-up) so video streaming is out. There is also a problem that there is no one to replace doctors, vets, accountants, etc. because nearly all the young people who go to college leave. The only solution I have for my parents is to move to my city, which my dad is down with and my mom is not.

      On a side note, infrastructure is a huge problem there. The Internet is one thing, but having potable tap water is not consistent. They are often under “boil orders.” Electricity frequently goes out. Roads are in bad condition and poorly maintained. And people in their community think that Trump is going to fix it all. Drives me batty.

      • Anonymous :

        The joke will be on them fairly shortly when the end of his term comes and nothing is any better. He doesn’t care about rural America – he’s never lived in rural America. They allowed themselves to believe that because it was convenient.

        Frankly, the quicker some of these small towns die off, the better off we will all be. And the die-off is inevitable. I grew up in rural America. Rather than sitting on my b u t t and waiting for a good job to come to me, I got educated and left for a larger city and am doing pretty well. I’m sick of hearing the whining from “salt-of-the-Earth Americans” who haven’t gotten the memo. Coal mines, timber mills, and ironworks aren’t coming back, folks.

        • Appalachia :

          Yeah, my parents are ultra-liberal and can’t believe people fell for Trump. I can, but going into that would be getting sidetracked.

          I agree with what you say to a certain extent, and there are definitely people like you describe where I am from. But there are others who understand these industrial jobs aren’t coming back, but lack training to do much else that pays well and lack resources to pick up and move to a city and/or go back to school. The ARC has programs to provide job training and employment opportunities to people in rural Appalachia, including things like programming and medical data entry etc. But Trump wants to cut that too, of course.

  7. Does anyone else watch CMT's Making the Team :

    Trying to ID the silver studded tank Raelynn was wearing on the episode (studded with white background) but can’t even find a photo of it to try to reverse image search!

    • Anonymous :

      No idea who makes the shirt but here’s a photo: http://m.y100fm.com/rf/image_lowres/Pub/p8/Y100FM/2017/08/23/Images/raelynn.jpg

  8. Does anyone have tips for dealing with a boss with terrible handwriting? She insists on reviewing work with paper and pencil (which I get–it is easier), but I can’t read about 30% of her comments. I thought I’d get used to it/learn some of the quirks, but it’s been 9 months, and I haven’t figured it out yet. Sometimes, she can’t read them herself. It seems so inefficient, and I’m just losing patience.

    • Does she have an assistant? When I work with partners with bad handwriting I ask their assistants and 95% of the time they can decipher.

      • Even better – can the assistant type up the edits in track changes in your Word doc?

      • Good ideas! We share an assistant, so that’s definitely something I could do. She’s on vacation this week, but in the future, I’ll give it a try.

    • I can hear the file clerks talking outside my office about what my handwriting says. I’ve always had terrible handwriting but that being said, I am never offended or annoyed when someone asks what it says.

  9. Birthday ideas :

    Gift ideas for dad’s birthday? He’s retired and lives mostly in his camper now so cluttery things aren’t a good idea, nor things like ties or office type stuff. He hasn’t mentioned anything he wants and I got him a cool book for Father’s Day so I don’t want to duplicate that. He likes to walk and is all about getting 12,000 steps in every day, he’s in his early 70s, travels often (the book I got him for Father’s Day was Atlas Obscura, which he seemed to find interesting, though not sure if he’s read it yet). Not a huge drinker and camping is his main hobby, though he and his wife have camped for 40+ years so the standard camper necessities are already owned by them. I’m going to take him to a nice dinner but wanted to get him something too. Any ideas?

    • Anonymous :

      Can you send him some Omaha Steaks?

      At Dunkin Donuts you can upload a photo and make a gift card and my dad loves those b/c he gets a new picture every time and the staff knows him as the photo gift card guy and they talk when he goes in with a new one. He saves them all; never reloads.

    • This is where food baskets come in. He sounds like he might enjoy one of those sausage & cheese ones.

    • Neat walking stick from a nearby park, National Park hat to keep the sun off his face, camping pass to a local/national park he wants to visit, new utility/camping knife?

    • Anonymous :

      Gif certificate for an experience gift like scenic helicopter or plane tour, driving a race car at a racetrack, hot air ballon ride, etc. Or theater/movie/concert tickets.

    • Anonymous :

      As someone who loves camping, there’s always more gear I want.

      Some stuff like tents can be a little bit particular to each person, but other stuff is pretty generic. Things you might consider are a solar panel electrical charger, an upgraded set of camping plate/bowls/utensils/cookware, or a coffee maker.

      If there is an REI local to you, you could go browse and ask them for help.

    • Plan a hike with him – let him pick or suggest a place from his youth or that he talks about that would be new to you or new to both of you – A Father Daughter date, or a Family Date if there are more people involved. Take some photos from that, get them printed, and put them in an inexpensive photo book. Leave room for more pictures (memories) that you or he can then add…

      It’s quite likely that he would be relieved to have a simple gift like that. A basket of food could be overwhelming for 2 people depending on how often they have guests.

      • I love this idea. My dad isn’t exactly in the same boat but he’s not a “stuff” guy and hates when I get him expensive presents (but he’s so.darn.proud. that it hurts that I can afford to do so). Already plotting what DH, my two under 5, and I can do with Dad!!

    • State or national park system annual pass? Online subscription to newspaper or magazine?

  10. Favorite Trashy Show? :

    Be anonymous if you prefer, but tell us what you watch (and share your thoughts on characters if you want, though please, no spoilers from shows airing within the past week)!

    • I love the Bold Type and Younger. Perfect NY fantasy shows with younger people in glam industry jobs. Total brain candy/veg out shows for when I just want to curl up on the couch and barely focus. I am way older than most of the characters on these shows and I love the possibility of being in a big city and feeling adventurous in your 20s, because it reminds me of my 20s!

    • Anonymous :

      I love life in pieces on CBS. it’s mindless and sweet.

    • Shopaholic :

      Everything in the Bachelor franchise. It makes long Mondays feel so good when I can go home, pour myself a glass of wine and watch the drama unfold.

    • Calibrachoa :

      Ngl, my favourite trashy show is teen wolf… i am so sad it is over for good now D:

    • Anonymous :

      Younger, Girlfriends Guide to Divorce, Real Housewives of OC & NY, Veep, Superstore

    • iZombie!

    • Is this dress black tie enough? :

      90 day fiance!

    • Kardashian Lover :

      Kardashians! I can’t help it.

    • Over the summer when I had to use a different gym, I got totally hooked on Botched. It was on one of the channels they always had on. I haven’t watched it since!

    • All The Bravo, All The Time

    • Anony Mouse :

      Not exactly “trashy,” but Korean dramas are my guilty pleasure. Boys Over Flowers is the place to start for sure. I think it’s streaming on Netflix right now.

    • Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team!!

      I love it so much. I’m sad that it’s usually only 10-12 episodes per year.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes, DCC is mine too. I mean, I watch quite a few television shows, but this is the one that I wouldn’t mention to anyone who wasn’t a close friend!

        • Agreed. Although I nearly outed myself last year because my team was playing the Cowboys, and the TV cameras were on Madeline for a few seconds, and I said, “Oh it’s Madeline!!” in front of a whole room of people. But luckily there was lots going on and I don’t think anyone noticed. Or cared. But I thought, “OMG close call!”

          • Maybe you'll know! :

            Now that I know others watch the show, does anyone have any clue the ID for the top RaeLynn wore in last night’s episode? It was sparkly or studded and white behind it… I loved it but can’t find a photo to try to ask others to ID it!

            Also, I love the 2 vets who got called in last night but not sure how they will handle letting someone go for something tiny but keeping these 2, though they’re 2 of the best dancers so I will be sad if they’re let go!

          • Maybe you'll know! :

            Any idea where to find the top that the country singer guest was wearing when she came in?

            (this q keeps getting eaten or put in moderation, so apologies if it eventually posts multiple times!)

  11. Friends in Boston area :

    Hi all,
    I need help finding friends!
    I am 30ish, recently moved to the Boston area to be with DH, from a smaller city where I had tons of friends. I am having a hard time finding people from my job area (I am a freelancer in a niche topic) and even the few hobby classes I joined didn’t really help. I am normally an extremely sociable extrovert friendly person, and am starting to question my decision of moving here. Tips please!!!

    • Try joining a few workout classes, some boutique studios have devoted/regular clients that start bonding. I moved to DC not knowing many people, and I made some great friends in solidcore classes. We bonded over seeing each other in class, then deliberately tried to take the same class each week, which turned into post-class coffee dates then into regular friendships. Worth a shot!

    • Former Boston anon :

      I think Boston is a tough place to move to once you’re out of school. If you’re having a hard time meeting friends there, I bet you can chalk a lot of it up to Boston itself. That being said, I’ve had luck in moving to various cities by joining a social sports league, like kickball or flag football. Would you have any interest in something like that?

      • Thanks a great idea, I am not much of a sports person but guess I need to change that!

        • I play Boccee Ball in a social sports league–it’s a great way to meet people and no actual athletic ability required!

    • Anonymous :

      I’d look into Social Boston Sports. My fiance met about 30% of his friends in a kickball league. They also have cornhole leagues and all kinds of other fun-tivities.

      • I started playing sbs dodgeball a year after my college best friend met her boyfriend and lots of other people playing dodgeball. Neither of us were athletic before…it’s fun and while some players are really good, it’s a social league and lots of people are first time players or not that good.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve had success using Bumble BFF! Do you live in the actual city of Boston or more in the ‘burbs? If you do go the app route, I’ve been more successful meeting up with people in my immediate area (I’m also in the ‘burbs of a bigger city, think Hoboken to NYC).

    • Anonymous :

      Does Boston still have lots of adult education classes? When I lived there in my early 20s – almost 20 years ago – there was a center for adult education or something similar in Cambridge and another in Boston I think, plus maybe one in Brookline and/or Newton. All offered hobby classes on a wide range of subjects–languages, arts/crafts, cooking, history, etc.–which might be a good way to meet people.

    • ponte python's flying circus :

      If you’re an academic trailing spouse – a not uncommon situation in greater Boston – check with the university; I know MIT has a Spouses & Partners group. Or email me, we totally need an academic-trailing-spouse support group here. What hobby classes/ groups have you tried so far?

      • Anonymous :

        Not in Boston, but I would love to join a virtual Corpor e t te academic trailing spouse support group!

    • Hey! I actually posted something similar about 18 months ago when I moved to Boston! I am now in New Haven or else I would love to meet up with you (let me know if you’re ever up my way) but to be honest in Boston it just took time. I took some classes and I met people at dance class and volunteering at an animal shelter, and then those friendships expanded as I got invited to parties where I met new people, etc. I would say it took a solid year before I felt like I had a decent friend group and was busy with activities and friends every weekend. So I would say- be social, but also give it some time!

  12. I hate my job and I keep making incredibly stupid mistakes even though I’m really trying not to. Someone please reassure me that this is just my brain checking out and I’m not actually losing brain cells. It’s so discouraging.

    • It is basically impossible to do a good job while you hate your job. Speaking from experience.

  13. Anonymous :

    Anyone find that they’ve gone too far with savings and net worth/retirement goals? After 8 yrs in biglaw, went to a gov’t job where I objectively make good money — a junior associate type salary though obviously no bonus. Yet bc the savings numbers are a lot lower every month than they were in biglaw (even though I am saving + putting 18k into retirement), I find myself feeling much more like — I shouldn’t spend on this or that — when I clearly can and it would just mean saving $700 less this month or whatever. It’s not a matter of having a budget– it’s just a feeling. Anyone else deal with this? Btw it’s been 2 yrs in govt so it’s not like I started last month. WWYD?

    • Anonibroke :

      This is my fantasy life…

    • I mean, are you happy? If saving gives you happiness and you don’t want to splurge on material items, that’s great. But if this is something that you want to change (and not just because you feel like you should), maybe set a goal to spend X amount of money on yourself each month. Or put a certain amount away into a savings account until you have enough to buy or do whatever your heart really desires. What a lucky problem to have!

    • I never made biglaw salary, but DH and I both max (and are both government employees). I look at it like this:

      I have a rough target of what I would like my net worth to be when we retire, after discussions with our financial planner. So we max, and then set aside $X each month toward a savings goal. It ends up being about 18-20% of our after-tax income.

      Anything that’s not a save-to-spend category (like house repairs, etc), can either get rolled over into one of our savings categories, or we use it for that kind of “Well, we SHOULDN’T ….” kind of purchases.

      We also each get a certain amount of money we use for discretionary purchases. We both spend ours on lunches out, but he tends to spend more in that area, where I’m more likely to hoard mine to make a splurge purchase on something I don’t need and isn’t normally in the budget.

      Either time we/I splurge, I feel no guilt, because we’re still meeting our goal.

      This works for us, but we also have a pretty detailed budget system (which again, works for us because we are analytical thinkers and like categories).

    • Flats Only :

      But $700 is not nothing! If you were beating yourself up over $50 that’s one thing, but spending an extra $700 per month instead of saving it will add up to real money pretty quickly.

      • This is an excellent point, and I should point out that my “no guilt” number is not $700 for any one month (I’d have to save several months for that). But I also don’t know what OP’s finances look like.

      • Anonymous :

        Sorry didn’t mean $700/month. It came up for an idea for a one time getaway and immediately I was like, $700 less savings in Oct – I don’t know . . . . In biglaw flights would’ve been booked asap and there’s no reason I shouldn’t do it as a one time splurge for a long weekend; except my own over thinking holds me back and them I’m like, is this what I have to look forward to if I stay outside law firm life??

        • Flats Only :

          Aha! $700 as a splurge, assuming it will just take away money from other discretionary spending, sounds just fine!

        • No Problem :

          I’ve started a separate savings account for vacations that I contribute to from each paycheck. That way I don’t feel guilty dropping a similar amount on a vacation because that’s what the money is for. And if I wind up able to pay for it out of current cash flow, then it’s there for the next time I want to travel.

    • Can you specifically set aside a vacation fund? That way, that $700 is earmarked for vacation (and you can divide the cost over 7 months or whatever) and you might feel less guilty about taking it away from your retirement savings since that money wasn’t dedicated to that purpose.

    • Put anything you think you want to buy on a list for two weeks. If at the end of two weeks you still want to buy it, go for it guilt free! If the feeling has worn off, you’d rather have your money.

  14. Anonymous :

    Interested to know if anyone has made a big career change out of the corporate world. An example of this is auditing to starting a bakery.

    • Anonymous :

      There’s a movie about this, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Tough path, but he gets the bakery off the ground in the end.

      • HAHA! This comment is amazing. I was totally thrown for a second trying to remember that plot point :)

    • You might read the book “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” – it talks quite a bit about quitting the boring job to pursue the totally different dream job.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I tried to do this?

      Quit Big Law in NYC to take Dream Job halfway around the world. (My dad was sad: “I thought at least one of my kids would have health insurance!”) Dream Job was supposed to be Foot in the Door for Dream Industry but instead it kind of petered out. I’m back in law (though not Big Law) and have finally found a happy place — and having done Dream Job actually made my resume stand out for Now Job’s hiring people.

  15. Has anyone tried Susana Monaco dresess? I’m looking for something classic/modern, and the Tina dress looks perfect to wear to an upcoming wedding in philadelphia (cocktail attire). Can anyone speak to the quality of the brand?

    • I had a SM dress, though it was years ago. The quality was good, and it definitely kept its shape despite being a knit. I might suggest dry cleaning to avoid pilling over time.

  16. So embarrassed. I’ve worked nights and weekends for months on a project with a million barriers in the way, the client loved, my staff loved and now my boss suddenly decided to step in at the 11th hour and nix the whole deal–with the comment he wanted me to do X, even though all the research I’ve seen says to do Y. This is going to set all this careful planning back weeks and impact so many other people’s workflow. I was half way into a normal conversation about how to adjust the schedule (thank God by phone) and just started crying. Like ugly cry. I’m senior and have been through so many tough projects before and have never gotten to that point. I just feel like it’s a fundamental lack of faith in me or something and I know I’m right. I couldn’t even convince to try my way vs. his and see which way the market would lean. So frustrating. And I don’t even want to think about how I’m going to share this with my staff who also have been working insane hours to pull this off.. Makes me want to cry harder. And the client. I cringe just thinking. And I’m looking at a mountain of work this weekend already and I have zero will to do it. I just still can’t believe this. Like the 11th hour.

    • Oh man, I’m sorry. Can you take a day or a morning or afternoon off this weekend to try to do something that doesn’t make you think about work?

    • Your team will deal. They will see how hard you worked to help stave this off, and they will be fine. Sorry this happened to you, and hope you get an evening off to rest and distract yourself.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Oh god I’ve been there! I’m sorry.

    • I think this is a boss problem, not a you problem — who does that to their reports? I’d be looking for a new job.

    • If it’s for a client, and client wants to do it your way, your boss is taking some pretty big risk reversing course and basically starting over. Personally (without knowing your office dynamics or boss), I’d consider going back to boss with the negatives of starting over – i.e., client issues (both with liking your plan, and costs associated with starting over his way, and their probable displeasure at added costs and time delay). In other words, reframe it as “we are very far down this path, client is happy, lets rethink the benefits of doing it the other way”. If he’s the type who cares, you could bring in staff morale issues, but that’s probably not going to get you as far as focusing on the client. In my experience, upsetting clients or angry clients is very persuasive.

  17. Back in June, husband and I booked a cruise to Cuba in January 2018 as: 1. a belated anniversary trip; and 2. our last big trip before trying for children. While the cruise has not yet been cancelled, today’s travel advisory and withdrawal of Cuban embassy staff seem like bad omens for this cruise.

    Box of Wine and Shots, can I meet up with Baconpancakes and y’all tonight wherever you are?

    • Anonymous :

      Sorry :( But if it makes you feel better, people-to-people travel to Cuba has been legal for decades, long before Obama loosened the regulations and the embassy opened. And pure tourism still technically isn’t legal, so I’m assuming your cruise has some activities that qualify under the people-to-people definition? If so, I think there’s a pretty good chance you’ll still be able to go. If not, I hope you’re able to reschedule and go somewhere else bucket list-worthy!

      • Correct: there are cultural exchange activities on the itinerary that qualify under the people-to-people definition.

    • Rum Rum Rum Rum :

      Hola, senora. Me llamaste?

    • Anonymous :

      Maybe the cruise company has other destinations that will still be fun and you can switch? Or maybe this will all be resolved by then?

  18. After years of denial about my lazy lifestyle, I’ve finally joined gym that is between the office and my home. I commute on public transit and am trying to figure out the best way to make this a routine. I know my gym bag will have workout outfit, towel, sneakers, flip flops for the shower, and basic toiletries so I can shower at the gym and leave looking presentable. Would y’all recommend working out before work? or after? It will soon be chilly in my NE city, and I don’t fancy lugging around a hair dryer or commuting home/to the office with dripping hair. How have you ladies made this work?

    • MandaPanda :

      I like to work out before work and so I do shower and dry my hair at the gym. If I went after work, I would just put my hair up and ride home without showering.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I switch off days doing cardio and weights, and on weights days, I don’t get sweaty enough to need to wash my hair. Maybe a little dry shampoo on those days. I usually do cardio after work to avoid having to cool down/de-red my face enough to be presentable (I am red for a solid 2 hours after working out). I don’t worry about looking presentable after the gym; I just go home in my gym clothes.

      And I also got a haircut that looks ok air dried. It doesn’t look as good as it does styled, but if I get my hair 50% dry, brush it, put in some product, and let the rest air dry (it does get cold in winter but I deal), I’m not ashamed of how I look. Part of working out frequently is accepting you get sweaty, and adjusting your life accordingly, whether that means lowering your beauty standards or putting in lots of effort.

      • Good point! I’m not worried about how I look if I go the gym after work – just if I went in the mornings. So it seems like after work would be good for me. My concern was that I hate walking home sweaty if it’s cold outside…. I guess in the winter I’ll just shower at the gym and otherwise just go home sweaty and shower there.

        • Anonymous :

          I used to go home in my workout clothes via transit and in the winter I sometimes brought a pair of sweatpants or a sweatshirt to wear over sweaty workout clothes on the way home. Even if you workout in the morning you will need something warm to wear en route, and you might not want to use your work clothes for that.

        • Baconpancakes :

          And you’ll probably be warmer than you’d think walking home because of all that exercise!

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I don’t like sitting in wet clothes so even when I go to (hard) yoga, I bring something to change into after. I don’t shower if I’m just going home but I put on dry gym clothes for the ride.

    • I don’t currently commute via public transit, but I have in the past. I would just not worry that much about being presentable if you’re going home. I think the easiest thing would be to work out after work, bring the clothes you plan to work out in, and change into a second set of non-sweaty clothes after your workout to commute home if you feel it’s necessary. This, to me, depends on how much you sweat, which depends on what you’re doing for your workout. After hot yoga? I’m dripping. I would change. After climbing? I’m usually not that sweaty, and I would be totally find with just throwing on a hoody over my clothes and heading home. Then just shower when you get home.

    • Workout in the evening, go home sweaty and shower at home. Don’t worry about looking presentable on the bus ride from the gym to home. Gym bag should only be water, shoes clothes, hair elastic and face wipes. As a long time gym goer I’ve found the regulars are the ones who get in, work hard, and get out.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      Some gyms provide a hair dryer. It’s maybe one of the cruddy hotel ones, but it gets the job done. I second BP on a low-style haircut – I went the pixie route partly because I was working out in the AM.

      See if you can rent a dedicated locker and keep as much stuff as possible in there.

      For me, the key to a successful morning at the gym was to plan everything out. If there was even a slight obstacle between me and the door, it was too easy to hit snooze.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        And if you have a pixie, add a microfiber towel to your bag. They absorb water off your hair miraculously fast.

    • Anonymous :

      Can you rent a locker and leave all that stuff at the gym rather than hauling it?

      • Unfortunately not – this is my first gym membership, so I went for something fairly inexpensive and it doesn’t include overnight locker rentals. I figure once I make it a solid habit, then I can justify spending more because I’ll know it won’t be wasted membership money.

        • In House Lobbyist :

          Do you have to bring a towel? My gym has towels and hair dryers. If you do end up bringing your own towel – get one of the towel wraps with Velcro. I love mine for drying my hair without having to put my work clothes on yet.

    • Anonymous :

      In terms of before or after work, that is going to totally depend on your job/lifestyle preferences. I tried to make the after work thing happen, but ended up getting stuck at work or having last minute plans so often that the habit never really formed. I go in the morning now, and it’s the only way I’m able to get to the gym regularly.

      The whole self-presentation thing is made a million times easier if your gym has a hair-dryer (even if it’s awful). Also, I just end up wearing my hair in a bun a lot when I don’t feel like washing or dealing with it after a workout.

    • Anonymous :

      make sure you’re not hungry at the end of the day! no quicker way to derail my gym plans than being starving as i leave work. I keep protein bars and bananas in my desk.

    • If you can manage working out in the morning (i.e. do not have to see kids off to school, are not a chronic late sleeper etc), I would recommend to get your workouts done in the morning, as you will have less barriers and excuses to skip workouts vs planning them for after-work period.
      I swim in the morning and have to redo my makeup and hair afterwards. I commute in my work clothes and pack everything into a baby/diaper bag (the bag has millions if compartments, which are waterproof). I always have: makeup bag, shampoo & conditiomer in travel sizes, round brush and a travel-size hairdryer, towel, flip flops, spare clean underwear. It all fits into a standard-size diaper bag, which I then throw in the back of my car. I have a small shoulderbag for non-workout items (phone, ipad, keys etc).
      I would try working out on Friday morning (I assume you can afford more casual look on Friday), see how it goes, whether you are comfortable and representable afterwards and then decide.

    • Thanks for all the tips! I will see how this week goes and make adjustments as needed.

  19. Makeup help! I need a dark black thick eyeliner and while I love my Urban Decay, I think a liquid liner will fit my need best.
    – Brush on the thicker side – not as poky on eyelids
    – Easy to remove, so not waterproof – can be swiped off with water or the generic sephora blue makeup remover
    – Non-irritant and gentle: for some liners I find the next morning I end up with red crusty eyes after using the previous day (and incompletely removing)
    – Does not need to be long lasting, in fact the opposite is better since it comes off easily

    • Physician’s Formula Eye Booster 2-in-1 Lash Boosting Eyeliner + Serum is water-resistant but requires no tugging to get off. It is the best drugstore liquid liner I’ve tried

    • The Kat Von D tattoo liner is a felt-tip pen, goes on super easily, does not smudge and lasts and lasts, and comes off when I wash my face with regular face wash easily. Seriously, the best I’ve tried.

    • I use the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc’er Precision Pen Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner and I love it. When I went to check the name on sephora, I was actually surprised to see that it’s waterproof because while it stays put I never have any problem taking it off. It is super easy to use and never bothers my eyes, which can be sensitive to liners and mascaras.

      That said, if waterproof is a deal-breaker, I would try Clinique. That’s my go-to for eye makeup that is never irritating. Looks like they have a few different liners and a liquid one that appears to be rated even higher than the Marc Jacobs pen.

    • For an inexpensive, high pigment thick liner, try E.L.F. They seriously have liner that rivals Kat Von D tattoo, which I have used for a while, but switched, as the new formula seems more drying than in the past). Kat Von D also sticks pretty hard .

    • The Lancôme Artliner would fit the bill perfectly.

    • I love the eyeko pens. They’re easy to use and seem to stay pretty well and come off with a few swipes of micellar water

    • Anonymous :

      I’m using the Urban Decay one now actually — their liquid eyeliner, p e r v i $ i o n. But Kat Von D is also solid

    • Consider gel eyeliners with a separate brush. They are the blackest and the best. I like the Tarte Amazonian clay eyeliner the best but L’oreal and Maybelline gel eyeliners are also incredible.

    • Stila eyeliner pen :

      I have heavily experimented in a search for the exact eyeliner you describe. I settled on the Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner a couple years ago and have not looked back. It’s also a felt-tipped pen, similar to the Kat Von D eyeliner, but it comes off much easier than the Kat Von D. It sort of magically doesn’t budge all day (even though my hooded eyelids cause pretty much every other eyeliner to smudge), but it comes off easily with a non heavy duty makeup remover (I use the Trader Joe’s micellar water face wipes). The Stila pen also lasts longer than others I’ve tried — usually around 3 months — and the application tip stays in good shape the whole time.

      I’ve tried the Lancome Artliner and the brush isn’t precise enough. It made kind of a mess on my eyes. Same with the gel eyeliner from L’Oreal.

  20. kickboxing? :

    Kind of loving the idea of taking a class in this and trying to pair the political situations and my anger toward them with something productive. However, I fear injuring my hand or fingers, even with gloves on. Is this a legit fear or am I being silly? I’ve never taken a class before but if I were unable to type, I’d lose income big time, as I work freelance. Thoughts?

    • I didn’t mean reputable kickboxing gym, they will make you buy really good gloves. I don’t think it’s a legitimate fear, I don’t even feel it on my hands when I am taking a kickboxing class.

    • Anonymous :

      I am a fairly serious amateur pianist, so I am very protective of my hands… And I love kickboxing. Gloves will protect you. That and proper punching technique.

  21. Does the hive have any suggestions or recommendations for a car-shipping company? I’m trying to get a car shipped from Southern California to the Seattle area.

    • Min Donner :

      For what it’s worth, I shipped my car from VA to CA 11 years ago using Auto-Move (dot com). It cost around $1000, and they were fine. I used another company (switched emails in the interim, so don’t have any record easily accessible) 5 years before that, and it was also fine. I would google and read reviews and talk with a service rep. The key things that I recall caring about were that the company I was hiring was actually going to be the company to move the car – not outsource it to some bundler, that pick up and delivery would be door to door, and that they fully insured against any damage en route. Good luck!

  22. Midwestern Constituent :

    I got a job! I interviewed this morning for about half an hour, and then, 2 hours after I got home, I got a call from the placement agency telling me I got an offer! I’ll start as soon as the background check is done, which I’m hoping will be finished on Monday, so I’d start on Tuesday! So thrilled about this.

    Thanks to everyone here for your kind words and thoughts!

  23. So this website has convinced me everyone will hate me if I elope. My main consideration is that I’m an introvert and a wedding would make me miserable. I find parties physically and emotionally draining (even with people I love). So going to the court house, having a delicious dinner and then flying off for vacation sounds like heaven to me. I know weddings aren’t actually about the couple, they’re about appeasing friends and family. But rawr. Sorry just thinking out loud, I’d be interested in your opinions on the matter.

    • Anonymous :

      !! No, weddings are not about appeasing friends and family. Alongside that public commitment thing, they’re about giving people who love you a chance to, you know, love on you. Even if you elope, please find a way to let people who love you get to show that to you.

    • I think the commentary this morning demonstrated that people understand when a couple truly elopes (secretly gets married without anyone knowing but the two of them) but don’t know how to feel about modified elopements when some people not but not all and a few people are invited but not everyone you would expect to be incited to a wedding. I know a couple that planned a trip to Paris, got married while they were there, took photos all over the city in their killer duds, and then had a super fancy meal together. I thought it looked and sounded lovely.

      • Anonymous :

        I think peers tend to understand more easily. But if someone in my family got married without telling me — especially my daughter or son — that would be painful.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Nope, you’re fine. Be kind, that’s all.

      For example, making time to call your beloveds and say, “Mom/dad/bff, Person and I just eloped!!! This morning!!! And tonight we’re flying to Paradise!!! I’m going to text you a pic as soon as we’re off the phone!!!” is kind. If you can bring in your most trusted people, you can say, “we are going to elope, just the two of us! I wanted to tell you because I’m so excited! Don’t tell!!!”

      It might be kind — if you can stand it — to do something like, “we just eloped!!! in two weeks, when we’re back from our honeymoon, we’re going to hang out in the side room of Favorite Bar all night (or will have a backyard bbq or whatever) — it would be lovely if you wanted to come by and have a toast with us!”

    • Anonymous :

      I think your parents and siblings and closest friends will be really hurt.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. You’re allowed to make this choice but your loved ones are allowed to be hurt and sad. I would be devastated if my daughter got married without me and my husband present, but I recognize it’s her choice to make.

    • Here’s the thing, you cannot win at weddings. No matter what you do, seriously, no matter what, someone you care about will be upset. Elope with your husband? Someone will be mad. Elope with closest friends? Someone will be mad. Have a small wedding? Someone will be mad. Have a big wedding? Same deal. Mad people. Weddings are the ultimate Aeosop fable about the boy and the donkey. My advice – you and your fiancé figure out what the perfect day for the two of you looks like and do that. You get to be selfish in this. You get to care about yourself and your future spouse. His or hers is the only other opinion that matters.

      • In case it wasn’t obvious, I have a fundamental problem with the idea that weddings are for other people. They are the only thing that is just for you. They are the foundation of your love story. They are about you and your spouse. There are a million other times in life where we need to be there and be kind for other important people. Your wedding isn’t one of those times. Also, you might be surprised at how well people react. My parents had no idea we were engaged or eloping and we are close. They were sad they weren’t there, and they are allowed to be sad. They’ve also gotten over it because of what comes after the wedding – we show up consistently for everything. We are there. I am there. We made it clear that our wedding wasn’t about hurting people, it was about us and our love story. We show up. If you do that and remember a wedding is just a day, an important day, but a day, you might find more understanding than you think. Plus, you don’t go into debt, and no one snarks about all the other things they find you’re rude for doing (see e.g. all threads related to bachelorette parties, showers, registries, rings, etc)

    • Two introverts here. We did a small wedding in my MIL’s garden, which had a lovely gazebo. We had a violinist play. We did tables of our closest family members and friends. We left for our honeymoon relatively early in the evening, “due to an early flight.”

    • DH and I got married with only our parents as guests (tiny ceremony in a tiny chapel, with champagne and cake in the courtyard afterwards). We took them out for dinner at an amazing restaurant that night to celebrate. No one was angry or hurt. I think it helps if you don’t do a “surprise” elopement, but rather tell the people close to you what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. In our case, we are quiet, introverted people, and we really would not have enjoyed a big public event. But we included our parents because they would have been sad if they weren’t included. Everyone understood and we’ve never regretted it.

    • happy i eloped :

      Your plan to go to the courthouse and then leave on vacation was my exact plan too! In the end, we invited just our parents and had hubby’s sibling officiate. They seemed happy to be included and it was relatively low stress for us introverts. We had a small party a few months later, and even that was stressful for me. Heard later from friends/family that they were sad not to be included, which I felt bad about. However, we have really never regretted our decision. Do what is in YOUR heart and I say f traditions. Save money, avoid stress, and have a day that YOU want. Good luck.

    • I think eloping is so smart. I will not hate you if you do it! I will love and admire you for it!

      Remember, it’s about the marriage, not the wedding. You do what works for you.

    • Introverted bride-to-be here to and I’m with ya. I leave most weddings when the dancing part starts because it makes me anxious. Literally cannot imagine how I would handle this at my own wedding… but deep down a really superficial part of me really wants to be a bride. Having a hard time reconciling that.

    • Do your parents/siblings know how introvert you are? I am asking bc I am fairly open about my introversiom and noticed that this helped others to have realistic expectations. If I decided to elope, my parents would be hurt, but they would understand. In the end, you are their child and they want you to be happy. Tell them how you feel and what you need your wedding to be like. Take millions of pictures during the wedding and then take parents for a nice dinner/lunch.
      Or decide what type of wedding would be fine for you (closest family and a few friends? with a set ending time, because you have to catch a flight?) and go from there.
      One of my best friends will probably marry in her expat country – with the only guests being their parents and one of the siblings, simply because of timing isssues. I am not even invited – but I am an adult, I understand, and I would never hold this against her. So just forget about doing people around you happy. This is about you. Others are adults and they will cope with it.

    • Shamlet96 :

      I’m exactly like you and am having a courthouse wedding (immediate family only) and dinner. I honestly couldn’t care less if people frown on this. It’s my and my fiancé’s decision, and as long as we are happy with our choice, so should everyone else. JMO.

    • As others have wisely said, this is your day and you should do what you want — knowing that whatever you do will disappoint/piss off/ “offend” someone and/or everyone at some point. Weddings bring out the absolute worst and the absolute best in people!

      Husband and I eloped in Napa 4 years ago. Got married at a fancy resort (one we could not have afforded to have a “real” wedding at), had a wine-tasting reception (hired a old guy in a old convertible to drive us around from winery to winery), and spent the next several days relaxing and hiking. It was glorious! The only people at our ceremony other than us = officiant and videographer/photographer.

      My mother was genuinely happy for us and didn’t have hurt feelings about it. She understood that this is what our ideal wedding was, and we called her and our immediate family members – who knew all about it in advance – the day of to share our excitement / happiness. My mom still talks about that phone call as one of the happiest moments of her life; she could hear how in love and excited we were.

      My MIL is still pissed about it, but it honestly has gotten way better since we had kids. Everything forgotten once first grandbaby came! Plus, looking back, I realize that standing up for ourselves and what we wanted to do helped establish boundaries with both sets of in-laws early.

      We lost both of our dads several years prior to our elopement, so no FIL/Dad perspective to offer.

      We bought a home about 6 months after the elopement and invited about 20-30 people over for a no-gifts-please housewarming party. We catered it and spent the night playing board games our friends and family. The wedding video did come out at some point during that night, although that wasn’t planned.

      One option you could consider is having a very small wedding – just immediate family +/- best friend(s) at a restaurant or similar. We opted not to do this because our families are spread out all over the country and didn’t feel right asking people to travel, etc.

      I highly recommend eloping. It was little to no stress, extremely romantic, allowed us to put a 20% down payment on our first house, and I felt very present with and focused on my husband the entire day.

  24. Talbots Code :

    Anyone looking for free shipping at Talbots and 25% off, I bought something today and they gave me this referral code: https://refer.talbots.com/s/shinaman

    Not a troll, just passing it along in case anyone wants to save the $8 shipping fee!

  25. Anon4this :

    A long time frenemie/ex really close friend at work said some really hurtful things about me that I accidentally read. She sent it to a mutual work friend, who opened the email in front of me thinking it was responding all to an earlier conversation. The email was just to work friend and was nasty about me.

    This is a cycle that has been happening for years. I’ve stopped talking to her for months in the past before it but she now works in my office in the same group which makes it hard to cut her out of my life. I’m really not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and having to see her and face her passive aggressiveness.

    I have a therapist who I will/do talk to about it but any other words of wisdom on how to approach of all of this are welcome.

    • Sr Sofware Zookeeper :

      Oof, this is a hard thing to deal with. I am sorry.
      On the personal side: You don’t have to cut her out of your life, you can choose not to engage. Now is not then – if this has happening for years, you don’t need to do what you’ve always done about this! You can confront her, or not!
      On the professional side: This sounds more hostile in a work context than I’d be comfortable with.

    • Is this something that you can talk directly to her about? “Hey, I’m aware that you’ve badmouthed me numerous times in the office and it really needs to stop.” Or is this something you could talk to HR about? If she’s not just running her mouth but also doing this via her work email to another via their work email, the company may have record of it and this may be better than her badmouthing you indefinitely.

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