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It's always a bit weird when something comes back in fashion after living through it the first round — but flared yoga pants are back in style (aka flared leggings). As a woman with curves I've always preferred a boot/flare cut because it tends to balance me out better — so I'm quite happy they're trending. (There are even viral flared snow pants!)
One big improvement that the 2023 versions have: POCKETS. Yes please! This pair from Zella looks amazing (XXS-XXL); there are some other colors that are on sale and down to lucky sizes.
Hunting for other options? This pair of plus-size flared yoga pants from Beyond Yoga looks lovely; if you're more interested in budget options, “Amazon's Choice” for flared yoga pants with pockets is this pair under $20 (sizes XS-XXL).
(If you like the funnel-neck quilted sweatshirt pictured with the pants, that one's on sale for around $32 in both regular and plus sizes.)
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
I cannot stand pockets in stretch pants and dresses! They create a lumpy, unflattering line and don’t actually hold what I need them to hold.
anon
Totally
Anon
I am sitting here wearing my yoga pants (today is a WFH day) with a pocket that is the perfect size for my cell phone, so that opinion is far from universal.
Anon
Nothing indicates she thinks it’s universal?
Ellen
This is funny; we women spitting at each other over really nothing! I suggest that we focus on what is important in our lives; health, happiness and men that treat us as equal partners, not just thoughtless but pretty receptacles for their winkii, which is what my ex really took me for.
I have evolved into an independent and productive member of the bar of the State of New York, in good standing, and I intend to keep my standards up until I find the right man to be my equal partner in life, much akin to my business partner’s in the firm are. That ideal is one we in the Hive can all look up to and work to emulate.
Anonymous
There are very few bottoms I want to have pockets. Jeans. That’s it. Not a skirt. Not a dress. Not workout pants. Not slacks. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d have my pockets removed and sewn shut on my joggers. I used to do that with slacks. I don’t want to shove stuff onto my thighs.
Anon
That’s funny we are so different. There is no item of women’s apparel that I think could not be improved with the addition of pockets. (OK, maybe socks.) Wherever menswear has pockets, I want the equivalent women’s wear to have pockets, too.
Anon
Thank you to everyone who responded to my sudden “holy smokes I think I want a child” feelings the other week. I have contemplated and confirmed it is a combination of having a lovely afternoon with a friend with a cute 6 month old, a change in my BC, and a strong feeling of burnout at work where the thought of taking a socially sanctioned 12-18 month break from work to do something different sounded extremely appealing. The feelings have since all dropped off again, with the realization that I need to do something about the burnout before I make any major life altering decisions.
Anon
You must not live in the US if your mat leave is 12-18 months! But in all seriousness, mat leave is not a vacation and many women find it much harder than working. I definitely would not have a child as a means to escape a bad job situation.
roxie
I’m as feminist as they come but as a childfree person we don’t really ever get a break from work and I know many moms who said their parental leaves were awesome breaks and not that hard.
Many say the other way of course but please know there is not a universal standard.
Anonymous
Hahahahahhaha
Anon
“I know many moms who said their parental leaves were awesome breaks and not that hard”
I…..highly highly doubt this.
I had it about as easy as it gets – one child who slept through the night amazingly early (<six weeks) and didn't have major problems eating or being put down for naps. And my maternity leave was hard work. Was it miserable? No, not by any means. It was wonderful bonding time with my child, and I did have some time to myself while she was napping. But taking care of an infant (let alone infant + toddler if it's not your first ) is a full time job. I was not putting my feet up and sipping on pina coladas all day, and I don't know any mom who would describe maternity leave as an "awesome break and not that hard."
Anon
Hm, I know lots of us, me included, who worked during our maternity leaves (stealth mode) – I would have loved it if I’d had only the baby to care for, but I also had all the grown babies at work who could not function without someone to do my role.
That said, I think it would have been more chill if I’d been able to take more than 8-12 weeks.
Anonymous
Maternity leave was so demanding that I went back to work early to get a break. 100% true. The baby wouldn’t let me eat or use the bathroom.
Anon
I know more than one woman who did this.
Anon
Mine was so hard – my child was an epically poor sleeper, among the other usual things that make mat leave exhausting – that I put him in full time daycare the last 2 weeks of it in large part because I could not imagine going back to work in the state I was in. Very grateful BigLaw leave meant I had 6 months and could get that two week reprieve to get some naps and a haircut.
Ellen
I would love 12-18 months off for maternity leave, but at this point I would probably have difficulty returning to work since my 2023 firm statistics show me, single handedly, completing over 34% of all of the billing hours for the firm, and which does NOT include Lynn’s hours working for me. Considering the pandemic and that we did not furlough any workers, we also collected Tre$ Mucho Grando Dinero$ gifted to us from the US Government, according to Frank, for PPP programs or something similar @ the State Level, since we had no unemployment claims filed by employees who left voluntarily. My bonus therefore for 2022 will be over 2.5x what it was in 2021, which was also a pandemic year. Frank told me that the fun is over b/c there won’t be stimuli money from Biden this year. FOOEY!
Anonymous
Mat leave isn’t a ‘socially sanctioned break from work to do something different’. Being home with a newborn/baby is HARD, probably one of the hardest things a person ever does. You’re keeping a tiny human alive on very little sleep and oftentimes with very little help. It’s chaotic and messy and you’re ‘on’ all the time, even when you have baby’s father there to help.
anonshmanon
I am pretty sure OP acknowledges that in reality, maternity leave is hard. I don’t blame her for seeing it through a grass-is-greener filter in a moment of high stress.
Anon
Right? When work & life gets nuts, I’ve totally found myself googling how to join the Peace Corps or packing for a year long bike tour. Obviously just some grass is greener stuff that has no basis in reality; just escape fantasy.
anon
Right? Ugh, that line of thinking just really grates on my nerves. It’s not a damn vacation or break, ok?
Anon
Literally nobody said it was. Please leave your manufactured outrage for some place else.
anon
“Socially sanctioned break from work” was the term she used. Sabbatical, vacation, whatever you want to call it; it’s just not true.
Anon
“Socially sanctioned break from work to do something different”. She is not saying staying at home is a vacation, just that it is something different that her current job. There is no judgement that one is easier than the other.
Ellen
Yes, I agree you should be nicer — perhaps you need a man to keep you warm at night during these cold January nights; and assuming the two of you go at it enough between the sheets this month, you may be able to lucky enough this Fall to join the ranks of those impregnated ladies who will also be able to take maternity leave and be with their babies this time next year! YAY!!!
Anon
It was a different kind of stress, which has its advantages, but it is so far from a vacation….
Anon
OP here – sorry, didn’t mean to suggest taking care of kids isn’t incredibly hard work! Just was feeling burnt out at my job and starting having hormone field grass-is-greener escapist fantasies. Very similar to my occasional erratic daydreams to go run a bakery / bar / small farm outside the city. All horrible ideas for me in reality! Now I’ll get back to my due diligence review…
Anon
I totally understood what you meant in your first post. Maternity leave is not a vacation but it is a -different- kind of hard than work (I have a kid FWIW).
Anon
Watch out, OP! the Mommy martyrs are out in full force!!!
Anon
So are the t-r-0-l-l-s, apparently.
Anon
+1 I’ve had two fairly lengthy mat leaves and I understood perfectly what you meant. I was in govt at the time and while it was hard work taking care of an infant, it was absolutely also a break from work and I appreciated the change of pace.
Anon
Your first post was very clear about what you meant, some people just wanna be pissy whenever they can.
Anon
Omg don’t apologize! You never said it was a vacation! You said was a socially sanctioned break from work, which it is! In the context that you meant, it is a break from working outside the home. That’s all you meant. These mommy martyrs need to get off their pedestals!!!
Anonymous
I agree! And for what it’s worth, I was less tired from caring from a newborn that did not sleep and had to be held up for 10 mins after every feed than I was from my regular BigLaw job.
Anon
I’m anon from 7:44, We shouldn’t even compare. For some women, biglaw is harder. For others, taking care of a newborn is harder. Let’s just stop with the comparing and judgment.
Peloton
I’m currently on mat leave and I vastly prefer it to being a lawyer. It’s not a vacation, but it is fun and challenging and rewarding. The only downside is she doesn’t pay my hourly rate and I can only afford to have her as a pro bono client so many hours a week…
Anyway, I got what you meant. Some people just want to be outraged!
Rolls eyes
Maternity leave IS socially sanctioned break from professional work. It is also usually paid at the full time rate. Family Medical Leave is almost always unpaid. Disability insurance is almost always paid out at a percentage of full-time pay.
Many of us face other unrelenting challenges for which no equivalent exists to paid maternity leave. Cancer, caring for a family member in crisis, recovering from a major surgery, living through and recovering from an emergency are among the challenges those unrelenting challenges.
Could Congress legislate and could employers provide paid leave at 100% salary for all contexts that are similarly demanding to taking care of a newborn infant? It sounds like the EU….
Just my experience, but the only women lawyers who take maternity leave and return to work are very privileged. Women physicians more frequently work part-time and have babies, though am unclear on whether it is paid due the different employment contexts for medical doctors.
Also, very privileged women have hired help, including nannies, night nannies, a family member who moves in with them to help with the infant, regular house cleaning that predated the birth of the infant, dog walking services, grocery delivery, meal delivery services. On the other hand, women who lack privilege also often lack paid maternity leave and continue working after the birth of a child. We have paid maternity leave for a minority of privileged women.
Anon
The paid maternity leave is a disability period, where your body is recovering from birth. It’s generally 6 weeks for vaginal, 8 weeks for caesarian.
The rest is unpaid unless you work for an employer who offers more, which is something employers voluntarily offer to attract top talent. So it’s just the same family leave you might take to care for a family member with cancer. I’ve done both so I know what I’m talking about here.
Anon
Good afternoon all! We will be relocating to Charlotte with a kiddo about to be entering high school. It seems that half of Charlotte is zoned for Myers Park High School (which, sadly, has been in the local news this week). Has anyone here attended that school (which seems to be larger than many colleges and multiples of the school I went to) or sent a kid there recently? Thoughts? My understanding is that private high schools are basically a no-go because they have waiting lists for even kids of alumni (which we are not). Coming from iffy public schools in our large city which did not do well with COVID remote learning, so kids are just basic kids (have a younger kid also).
Anon
Wowza that’s a big school. Mine was 2k kids across four grades and I thought that was big.
Anonymous
I don’t have kids there, but live in Charlotte and the partner I work most closely with went there and his oldest is a junior there and his younger child will start as a freshman there next year. Both the son and the parents are happy with the school. Their child who is there is not athletic, but is a very talented musician who has found his niche with jazz band, marching band, and being in the IB program. Another school that some people I work with send their kids to is Audrey Kell, which is further south Charlotte. One understanding I have is that for Myers Park; there are essentially two schools within a school – the kids in the IB program and everyone not in the IB program. I also am friends with several people who grew up in Charlotte and went to Myers park and all loved it. There are also a ton of magnet schools/(including for high schools in the area). They seem very stem based. My kid is three, so we’re not yet in the thick of real school. I will say that for college looking, the partner I work with has hired a private college counselor because they wanted to be sure they were on top of that process and didn’t think they’d be getting enough guidance from Myers Park.
Anonymous
Okay- my suggestion for asking moms with kids there is to join the Charlotte career moms Facebook group- they will tell all!!!!
Anon
I went to a similar school in another state, IB magnet in a ‘regular’ high school. I can only speak very highly of the IB experience. At this school practically all of my classes were separate, then with the whole school in band, theater, language classes, and homeroom.
MJ
Hi–one other suggestion–Charlotte magazine does an annual schools issue. Try to get your hands on a copy. My brother and his family live in Charlotte. People are very militantly “why would you ever send your kid to public school” or “why would you ever send your kid to private school.” My eldest nephew is really gifted and I am interested to see how HS plays out, but he’s not that age yet. Good luck. Myers Park is lovely. So much house for the money!!!
Anon
How big is your kids’ current school? I’d imagine going from a smaller school to one that large could be a culture shock!
What activities is your kid into and do those activities have participation limits? I can only imagine how competitive making a sports team or landing a role in the school play is at a school that size?
How large are the average classes and what’s the student t teacher ratio? Will kiddo be just another number in this school or will they be able to develop relationships with teachers and be supported? How many counselors, learning specialists, nurses, support staff are available for a school that size?
I came from a high school with a graduating class of 120 so thinking about such a large school is making my head spin!
Anonymous
My husband teaches at a school that is larger than than by a significant chunk; it’s apparently one of the largest in the US and approximately 100 times bigger than by high school. But he wants to send our son there if he can get in (it is a magnet school). Big schools do have a lot of resources and the ability to offer a wide range of subjects and extracurricular activities. We are intentionally trying to send our son to a good sized middle school to try to prepare him, although now that I am looking at the numbers none of the middle schools are remotely close to the enrollment of this high school.
Seventh Sister
My kids go to a school that’s about twice the size of my high school and there are so many more activities and opportunities because of the size. More music programs, a dance program, a much more comprehensive theater program, plus a bunch of sports.
Anon
I went to Myers Park. I was in the IB program and played a sport. The school is huge. I transferred there from a highly ranked public high school in another state. Myers Park was much more intense. Sports were more intense (for instance: I played a fall sport and we had spring conditioning training). I would not recommend the IB program. The IB program was basically AP classes plus a huge number of extra assignments (I guess to differentiate from AP? I don’t know). My friends who did not do the IB program seemed to have a much more normal high school experience.
Anon
Thanks for chiming in (OP here). My understanding is that they changed the IB program (maybe last year?) to make everyone IN the IB program for the first two years and then some people continue for the second two years or opt for just AP classes at that point (or whatever their thing is — some kids take community college credits instead). One person confirmed that the highest IB level can be a lot of busywork but that MPHS is using IB instead of honors now to be . . . equitable . . . or something. It’s a bit fuzzy. But one kid of mine does IB now but one doesn’t, so figuring out that piece for the kid who doesn’t currently do it is now off of my list of things to think about. Kids are currently in middle schools that seem large to me but feed into a large (but not this large high school). Other things about MP: with this many kids, it seems that the neighbors have banned kids from parking on the neighborhood streets but only athletes and seniors can park on campus (in a state where the driving age is 16), so IDK how transportation works. Maybe carpools?
Anonymous
School buses?
Anon
My kids went to a big, diverse high school. The thing is, even at big high schools, kids find small groups. My daughter made friends with kids in orchestra and in her sport. My son made friends in his IB program and with other gamers. One of those gamer friends is currently his college roommate. (I think there’s more gaming than homework happening in his dorm room!) My kids both got good educations, and both got into the colleges of their choice.
It’s true what someone else said – bigger schools have more resources. One of my friends with kids my kids’ age (they were preschool friends) did the typical flight to a smaller suburban town with a smaller school district, and has some real regrets. Her son ended up having a learning disability, and the big school district would have had WAY more resources for it than her small school district. It ended up being a very expensive self-pay situation for her.
Anon
What it an IB program? I just think investment banking.
Anon
international baccalaureate. It’s a less US-centric version of AP.
Anon
Yes, sorry, it’s International Baccalaureate. My son graduated during the pandemic (’21) so he didn’t get the actual IB, which is an additional level of testing and presentations. Most kids didn’t in his class. But the classes he took were more internationally focused, and just as rigorous as the AP classes my daughter took. It’s another college prep track, basically.
Another advantage of big high schools is their ability to offer different tracks to different kids. Our big high school offered 5 tracks + a lot of independent study.
Anon
(And I just looked up the stats. My kids’ high school has an enrollment of about 3,300 vs Myers of 3,500, so similar size)
Anon8
Favorite vegetarian air fryer recipes? I’m sure this has been discussed before but I just got my first one and am excited to air fry up a storm this weekend.
Anon
I love arnabeet cauliflower in the air fryer
Anon
I definitely wore this outfit in 2015.
anon
I’m thinking this look is from even earlier than 2015!
Anon
Yeah for sure!
Anon
Yes this is very 2010 or 2012!!
anon
I had a baby in late 2009 and can confirm that I wore this outfit a LOT in 2010, lol.
anonshmanon
yeah, gives me early 2000s Britney vibes!
https://footwearnews.com/gallery/britney-spears-street-style-fashion-1990s-2000s/britney-spears-visiting-her-father-and-nylas-restaurant-kentwood-louisiana-america-28-sep-2004/
Ellen
It still looks great on the right body–Rosa still has the body and the tuchus for this outfit after 4 kids no less, but I don’t, so I am more of an A-liner than one wearing anything tuchus hugging, even tho my boobies are still a major selling point, since I haven’t had any kids of my own.
Anne-on
I had my son in 2012 and this is 100% what I wore for almost the entire first year he was born when I wasn’t in the office. I’m not sure whether to be excited or appalled it’s back in fashion.
TO No-Longer-Junior
I’m days away from jumping headfirst into IVF. I’m fortunate to have a very supportive employer, but I have a busy litigation practice and I worry about the effect of juggling appointments and treatment etc. with work as I go through the process. Has anyone else here been through IVF? How did you find it?
anon
Yes, there are tons of women here and on the moms site who have been through IVF – if you don’t get many responses, definitely repost Monday!
The appointments are hard – you’ll have near-daily appointments at some times during your cycle – and I found that I had to share what was going on with some people at work so that my unavailability didn’t seem weird. Also, people who haven’t been through IVF do not necessarily understand that you do not, at all, control the schedule – it’s based on your scans, and when the doctor says it’s go time, that’s not flexible. So you may find yourself having to explain that (and if you didn’t already know that yourself, well, now you do!). The good thing is that your clinic will likely give you a schedule early in the process that explains the likely date range for when various things will happen, which can help with planning.
I didn’t find the injections difficult except the trigger shot, which my husband did for me. I did find that I just…didn’t feel good with all of the hormones. I also retained a lot of water so I gained like 10 pounds in a week, which felt super weird. Women experience widely varying experiences with that, so you may feel complete fine.
I’m a poor responder, so my IVF experiences didn’t get past retrieval – I only ended up with one embryo from two cycles, and it wasn’t genetically normal – so I don’t know anything about the transfer experience, but there are many women here who do.
Anonymous
Totally fine. Nearly all the appointment except initial consult and extraction were at 7am. And extraction/implementation is time sensitive so you won’t know for sure sure which day but you’ll have a pretty good idea.
Anonymous
Both times I had successful cycles, I was working in jobs with very little control of my schedule but with a very supportive supervisor (once a man who is himself a parent, the other time a woman who does not have kids). I disclosed to my supervisor and a few other people I work with most closely; generally I just said “I’m going through IVF so I’m going to have a bunch of medical appointments in the next couple of weeks and I won’t have a lot of control over scheduling them.” For egg retrieval and embryo transfer, if you have people who you absolutely want to know the bare minimum needed to understand that you truly aren’t available to help them with work that day, you can say it’s an “outpatient procedure that I have to take some muscle relaxers for, so you’ll want to call X instead while I’m out.”
I was generally able to target my cycles during quieter times at work, which was helpful. And as anon at 2:40 said, your clinic should be able to give you a range of expected retrieval and transfer dates based on when you start your medications, which was tremendously helpful to me. As a rule, my clinic wanted my monitoring appointments very early in the morning — so several of them didn’t disrupt work at all. The logistically hardest thing for me about working through IVF actually changed during the few years between my first five cycles and my last two. The first time, my clinic wanted to speak directly to me by phone in order to provide instructions about the daily medication changes. If I happened to be in a meeting when they called, I’d get a “please call us back to go over your plan” voicemail, and I ended up in a pretty frustrating phone tag situation once or twice. The second go-around, I was able to sign a consent form to have them leave the actual instructions on my voicemail, which was obviously much easier. So I’d encourage you to work with your clinic to make communication by voicemail or by email possible to save yourself some stress.
A few practical tips: try to have both a heating pad and an ice pack available at work; sometimes one was a lot more helpful than the other with a specific injection site that was bugging me. Always bring to work with you any injection you’re going to need that evening, just in case a meeting that never should have run exceptionally late somehow does that. Make sure you have a couple of work-appropriate outfits that will be comfortable over a bloated and sore belly as your ovaries swell (for me, dresses were the only way — absolutely nothing with a waistband and not even yoga pants).
TO No-Longer-Junior
Thank you!! This is such helpful advice. I have been through several rounds of IUI already and my clinic tended to schedule things for ungodly early hours in the morning which actually helped me avoid conflicts with my work schedule, but I know that there are way more appointments involved with IVF. The phone tag situation is something I didn’t think about before either but I will look into that with my clinic as that would make it much easier.
Anonymous
Been through two successful and three total cycles of the egg freezing process. I actually didn’t really have symptoms at all which doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be a responder. Like everyone else, I had the very early morning appointments, so I don’t even think my employer knew about it, and my extractions happened to be on a weekend each time. Due to some personal family circumstances, while I am married, I had to do all of the shots alone/myself. It was fine. I did ask a nurse friend to give me the trigger shots both times so that I wouldn’t have to do those. .
Anonymous
Do you think people are more germophobic than they used to be, more specifically do you think it’s more acceptable for guys to be germophobic compared to years ago? Or am I just filthy?
Bf and I were out all morning earlier this week running errands, grocery shopping, and last stop was to grab lunch on the way home. Nothing fancy, not a date – just fast casual on the way home so we didn’t have to deal with lunch after a long day. On the way to lunch, the tire pressure light comes on, bf says let me just deal with it now. He then proceeds to glove up and fill the tires and carefully hand sanitizes after. Then proceeds to tell me, if I want lunch he’ll stop somewhere for me to pick up lunch but he isn’t handling food until he’s gotten home and washed up. And handling food didn’t mean – oh I’ll take mine to go – which I would’ve understood. It meant I’m not even touching food BAGS?? When I argued a bit and rolled my eyes, he went on about me not understanding how dirty gas stations are. He offered to just go home and wash up and then we could go out to lunch together. But given that it was late afternoon and we live in a huge apartment complex in a metro area where even getting in and out of the garage takes time, I declined. He then proceeded to take himself out of the car in our garage, not carrying a single grocery bag because it would be – handling food. I carried what I could, left the rest in the trunk, and after he was done scrubbing 30 min later, he went and unloaded the rest.
My parents happened to stop by that night, he brought it up?? I think expecting my dad – the dr – to say oh yeah of course you have to be super careful with gas station and car grease. My dad laughed and was like uh I don’t scrub for a half hour after doing a procedure on a patient. I’m just like have times changed?? I just recall my dad and uncles working on the car or the yard or whatever on a Saturday morning, barely rinsing their hands in the sink and chowing down on lunch. No gloves, no sanitizer etc.
Anon
No, your boyfriend is being weird. I’ve never understood how/why gas stations are somehow deemed more germy than any other public place. Dirtier perhaps on account of road dirt, grease, petroleum but that’s not the same thing. None of it is anything a quick handwashing won’t take care of. I work on my car and bikes all the time and often at the end of it all do take a shower even if I’m not completely filthy, only because washing my hair gets crud out of my nails & nail beds in a way that handwashing, even with degreaser doesn’t.
pugsnbourbon
I mean, gas stations are gross and you should definitely wash your hands after filling up your tires, but 30 minutes is excessive. Was going into the gas station and washing your hands there out of the question? Has he always been like this or is this new behavior?
pugsnbourbon
washing *his hands, I mean.
Anon
I’ve never washed my hands after putting air in my tires.
Anon
No, your boyfriend is weirdly obsessive in every part of this story.
anonshmanon
yeah, he was wearing gloves AND sanitized his hands, and he won’t even carry grocery bags inside after, let alone washing his hands for 30 minutes (unless you were using hyperbole here?). This is not normal or necessary.
anon
The funny thing is that hand sanitizer isn’t that helpful if you have actually greasy/grime/dirt on them from a gas station.
Are you exaggerating about the 30 minutes? Because most skin will break down if you are washing it that long, so what was it really? Does he spend an inordinate amount of time washing daily, and have some other repetitive/obsessive/compulsive habits? Because 30 minutes washing your hands is a sign of OCD or I’ll eat my shorts.
anon
be careful to only eat shorts after they have been washed on high!
Anon
I like germicides clear space for the strong germs to take over and I don’t like anything but soap. But I also feel like Jenner’s dirty milkmaids getting cowpox but not smallpox is how we survived as a species in a dirty world. Embrace the dirt and germs but within reason. Wash your hands before eating finger food. I think your BF is a bit over the top.
Anonymous
I am finding that people are definitely more cognizant of germs on their hands and in the air than they used to be, and several people I know now simply insist on wearing gloves at gas stations after picking up the habit during the early pandemic. I am in the “more aware” category and carry hand wipes in my car to clean after pumping gas or using a handrail or whatever. But your BF just seems extreme. He could have washed his hands for the length of the birthday song in a restaurant bathroom before eating, and I’d totally understand. But gloves plus sanitizer plus insisting on going home and then not touching bags is over the top, possibly a sign of growing OCD, and a personality trait that would make me question if I want to spend my life with a person.
Anonymous
Idk Why you’re weirdly making this into an all Men generational Shift instead of acknowledging the obvious. That your husband is well outside the norm and needs help.
Anonymous
That doesn’t sound normal. Is it possible your bf is dealing with some form of OCD? Is he just like that with germs or are there other areas he’s like that too?
Anon
There have always been people like this, but it’s never been acceptable. For some reason in my circles it’s also been more men than women.
Your dad, a doctor, probably understands how (and that) gloves, sanitizer, and hand washing all actually work.
Anonymous
I think you both are right and wrong.
Your dad’s comment was gross.
No, BF shouldn’t be handling and then consuming food until he’s had the opportunity for proper washing. When handling the under area of a car and group-touched things at gas stations, my hands are often covered in black. It’s not germs that are the real issue though (though still ick), it’s the grime. With gas station/under car street grime, there’s a ton of chemicals (many high carcinogens) that make up the grime. It’s not like dirt from being in your garden or what not.
That said, BF still sounds a little nuts for not carrying a grocery bag or two. Unless that was an attempt to be thoughtful and not wanting to get the grime all over handles you would then be touching? Just like I’d expect you would be the one to open the door to the house and turn on the lights if someone’s hands were sticky or grubby, just to minimize mess.
Anonymous
I missed the part about him having gloves. Skip it. Definitely something mentally off. (Though still a gross comment from your dad and still wouldn’t consume food after you’ve had your hands in asphalt grime if you weren’t wearing gloves and haven’t washed).
Anonymous
Lol her dad’s comment isn’t gross, it’s reality as anyone who grew up around healthcare professionals knows. Yes they wash hands after procedures, no they don’t wash hands for 30 MINUTES after EACH procedures – bc they have to get to the next patient. Dad didn’t say – haha I don’t even wash hands after doing procedures. He said I don’t wash hands for 30 MINUTES.
Anonymous
Reading fail. I took it to mean he was doing other stuff for 30 min before washing. Lol
Anon
Is it grease – legit concern – or germs – covered by the hand sanitizer – that he’s worried about?
Sounds like OCD either way, to me. I have relatives with severe OCD (all the way to institutionalized, but this was back in the 1970s) & this is a familiar story.
Jules
This is over the top. He used GLOVES, so his hands shold not have been dirty at all, and then he used hand sanitizer. I can get wanting to wash hands before actually eating, but to not even touch the grocery bags? And did he actually spend 30 minutes washing his hands? Unless hands are covered in grease, or paint, or something else that would require a lot of scrubbing to remove, even more than a minute is too much and seems like a sign of OCD. I have posted before about my experiences in a relationship with someone with extreme anxiety and OCD that manifested as severe germphobia. (TLDR: it was unmanageable and became intolerable to me and is the reason we are no longer rogether.) If your BF is headed down that road, he needs to get some help before it gets worse and become intractable.
anon
He thinks the outside of the bag is “contaminated” so now the food inside a container inside the bag is “contaminated”? This sounds like OCD behavior. As long as he washes his hands before handling the actual food there’s a microscopic risk of getting sick from it. He’s more likely to get sick from the restaurant mishandling his food. This is not normal germophobia.
Anon
As an environmental microbiologist who studies this stuff, the gas station issue isn’t really with germs but with toxins/carcinogens in grease and oil. I think it’s pretty reasonable to not want to touch food if you have hydrocarbons on your hands. That said, if you wore gloves, it should be fine. Or just go into the gas station and wash your hands! I work with both oil and bacteria all the time and I definitely never wash my hands for 30 minutes, that’s getting into compulsive territory.
Anon
This is OCD. I consider myself a germaphobe, and I wear a glove to pump gas. But you don’t need gloves AND hand sanitizer AND 30 minutes of scrubbing AND still be refusing to touch the outside of a bag of food. The combination goes way beyond normal germaphobia.
Anon
Very weird on your boyfriend’s part
Germs
The more salient question is whether the person who prepared the food bags coughed/sneezed/wiped their germy hands on the bags before you picked them up.
Anon
People with OCD exhibit this behavior more when under stress. You have to find a way to gently suggest he get help. That said, I don’t like being around people vocal about germs and clean eating, etc., as if they are somehow cleaner and better than other people.
Anonymous
Times haven’t changed that much.
Think about it. Your boyfriend wore gloves. Then used hand sanitizer (you said carefully which makes me think it wasn’t just a quick pump/wipe/move on like would typically happen). Then outright refused to to handle any food (including the bags of groceries in your trunk) while telling you that you don’t understand how dirty gas stations are. Then, he scrubbed for *thirty minutes* (did he also get a shower and change his clothes?) before going down to get the rest of your groceries.
Since your father is a doctor, ask him about mysophobia, because that’s disorder level behavior, not a sign of changing times. You should probably also look at your boyfriend’s behavior around dirt in general because that kind of behavior isn’t a one off.
Chicago poster from yesterday
I’m the Boston > Chicago poster from yesterday. Thanks so much all for the feedback. I definitely agree with a lot of what was said about Boston (so clearly y’all give good advice!).
Someone yesterday suggested posting my Boston neighborhoods for a comparison. Great suggestion. I lived in Allston/Brighton area while in school. It was fine, I was a student and so was everyone else. Then Fenway area for a lot of years (but it was very much not the fancy/built up area it is now). Also fine – easy access to groceries/train/stuff to do. I had a car, but never used it. Post divorce Back Bay. Honestly it’s not really my “scene”, but I’ve actually enjoyed it. I live in an old building on a beautiful street right near everything. Pretty, walkable, near stuff. This is an unusual window where I have (some) disposable income and basically nothing to spend it on but myself. As I’ve become sort of a homebody (part by choice and part circumstance), I’d love a nice place.
Again, this is all so hypothetical. But as I dream of a “new life”, I so appreciate all the Chicago inside info!
Anon
You’re in the Back Bay and single? Can I somehow arrange for you to have a meet-cute with my newly single friend who lives there?
Anon
Yesss please do this and report back!
anon
But she’s moving to Chicago….
OP, thanks for the info, but give us an idea about where your ideal living situation would be. What neighborhood would you like best in Boston/Cambridge/Brookline etc.. if you could live anywhere? You just list where you’ve lived but you don’t say what you like about them.
Because if trendy walkable Back Bay is your scene then I would recommend Lincoln Park, or the Gold Coast if you like the idea of being closer to the core of downtown with more skyscrapers and close access to the Lake (which is huge…. it looks like the ocean). But if that’s a little bit too trendy / rich Euro visiting students etc for you and you would prefer more a a South End or ?? vibe let us know. Shoot maybe you even want a house now and might like moving just outside the city limits to a more diverse neighborhood.
Anonymous
Someone please give me the kick I need to LOOK FOR A JOB. I have been in an ok government job for over six years. It’s the type of job that pays well and is very stable but I know for a fact this is not the type of law I want to practice and my career isn’t going to move forward. The job made sense for me life wise at the time that I took it, but I didn’t want to stay this long. But the pay is good, WFH during the heart of the pandemic – so I stayed. FWIW my bosses like me. There are two directors that are easy to work with and that’s mostly who I’ve worked with while telling myself the next time I have to work for the third, I’m out. Well guess what just got staffed as the lead attorney on a case for the third. I just want to run away. She’s not a bad person but just all over the place – she’ll agree with your plan on how to do things because she doesn’t pay attention and then the night before it’s – what about this, what about that, OMG is this right, did I approve this.
I can’t do this. Yet I am scared to even look for a job – having had a bad law firm experience. And being pretty senior so recruiters don’t really work with my level esp with no book. Yet I can’t do this. How do I start here?
Anonymous
I try to dismiss thoughts of being too senior by reminding myself that the next best time to having looked when I was younger is by looking today. That’s only going to become more of an issue with time, not less.
Ellen
Please.Calm.and.Chill.down! It will work out, even with the 3rd person you are worried about. Youre working for the goverment, not private practice, so you really don’t have to worry about getting fired even if you screw up thanks to this 3rd person. Give it a whirl and you will see. I worked in Washington for some goverment agencies and they were all fine even tho we did VERY little substantive work all summer, with the bosses focused instead on the cute women who walked down Constitution Avenue at lunchtime.
SF Bay Grrl
I’m a former government attorney and I’ve been in your shoes. It’s a hard situation. Is there a way to private message you?
Anonymous
lawgrad02 @ yahoo . com
SFBay Grrl
Tried emailing you but wasn’t sure whether there’s a zero or an “o” after “lawgrad”.
Curious
Step one is to make a resume. Take step one!
Anon
I’m not personally convinced that a new job somewhere else is always the right answer when you’re talking about minor issues. I’d be careful and think about what you’re giving up, including political capital you’ve earned already. I agree the first step is writing a resume, I’d also start networking and exploring what’s out there but I’m sitting here watching lots of friends get laid off right now and there’s worse things than a stable job you mostly like.
Anonymous
Agree with this. I’m not saying you should stay in government forever because of stability. By all means make a resume, set up some calls or coffee with people to explore your options. But carefully weigh the good vs the bad and the good of your current job isn’t nothing – good pay, stability, work from home it seems like. Again not saying you shouldn’t leave but I’d be looking for a GOOD bump in salary to compensate for what you lose in terms of stability, pension and all.
HFB
Hi Everybody, I think I posted a little late yesterday to get a wide range of answers on this (but thank you to the person who recommended the cookbook!) so I am posting again:
Based on some recommendations here, I bought a rice cooker ( zojurushi). What are everyone’s favorite things to make in a rice cooker? Interested in all grains, not just rice. Especially interested in recipes for whole meals that can be prepared all at once in the cooker! Also, my understanding is you can’t use the steamer basket while cooking rice- if you want to cook meat or veggies too, you just lay them on top of rice? If I am cooking frozen broccoli I am guessing it would turn to mush if it sat in there the entire time rice is cooking, but I’m also hesitant to open the machine midway through the cycle because I’m worried that will mess up the process? Any tips on cooking frozen veg along with the rice? Thanks everybody!
Rice Cooker
I still have my rice cooker from 1988. We use it to make quinoa for the week, which we then keep in the fridge and reheat when desired.
Anon8
I love my zojirushi rice cooker enough to take it on a camping trip, but I actually only cook rice in mine. I use Rhee Chun rice (available on Amazon, but cheaper from my local Asian supermarket) and rinse it thoroughly before putting it in the rice cooker and it comes out pillowy and amazing. I eat rice bowls for dinner probably 3x/week, so it’s completely worth it to me.
So not at all answering your questions but enjoy the rice cooker! You’ll never go back to stovetop rice.
rice-lover
Maangchi has a “healthy vegetable rice bowl” that is all cooked in a rice cooker–easy, delicious and healthy.
Also recommend looking at some “Takikomi Gohan” (Japanese mixed rice, usually cooked in a rice cooker) recipes.
Anon
Hi! Love mine and use it frequently to cook (besides rice):
Steel cut oatmeal, with a a dash of cinnamon; porridge function and timer so it’s ready for breakfast when I wake up
Farro – I like to use broth for extra flavor; quick setting
Quinoa – same as farro
I also combine brown rice and lentils with the appropriate amount of water for each one, with spices (turmeric, ginger, garlic, whatever) and cut up carrots or squash. Cook it on the brown rice setting and you have some lunches for the week!
Anonymous
Personally as a pear, I’ve always preferred bootcut and flare, although I’ve never worn yoga pants as regular pants, so maybe I’m missing something about the point of putting pockets in them? Is the pocket to hold a phone or something while working out?
Anon
The ship has sailed on the debate about whether yoga pants and leggings are “pants.” I have always been on your side of the argument, but what are you gonna do? I just bought my college-aged daughter a new pair of lululemon align leggings for her upcoming birthday. If you can’t beat ’em, join em? But for myself, I don’t wear them as pants. We are all free to skip trends we don’t like. (looking at you, low rise pants 20+ years ago)
Anonymous
Oh, I wasn’t adding to the debate, it was more a comment about not quite understanding the role of pockets in such garments.
I’m very happy to skip trends I don’t like, which, if I’m being honest, is most of them.
Anon
I LOVE workout pant with pockets. I can put my phone in them or a key or poop bags for the dog or whatever.
Cat
even if you don’t wear them outside the house… don’t you ever use pockets when hanging out at home? I love my Zella leggings with the front pockets, which are the perfect size for a phone, Airpods case, etc.
Anonymous
No, I can’t say that I ever have, haha.
Anon
I don’t wear much athleisure, but I hunt down pajama pants with pockets for the same reason. In cooler seasons, I wear a hoodie type thing as part of my pajama/loungwear look, and I love the kangaroo pocket on the hoodie for my iphone, random kleenex, what-have-you.
thanksgiving anxiety
COVID made me less civilized and I wear these kind of pants in public and don’t even carry a purse most of the time. So I’d use the pockets for my phone and maybe a credit card.
I started wearing flare leggings again last year..I feel like they look slightly dressier than regular leggings..lol
Anon
My daughter has started wearing flare leggings (she’s 21) so you’re hip. I can’t figure out whether the flares being “highwaters” is a trend or whether she just can’t get them long enough…. but my 80s kid self would NEVER.
Anonymous
I wear yoga pants with pocket while doing household stuff like cleaning, taking out the trash and (literal) gardening. I like to listen to audio books or music while I do this, and bluetooth headphones and phone in yoga pants is perfect.
Also great for popping phone, keys and a card in while running a quick errand to the shops.
I don’t use the pocket while doing yoga, but will often have keys and phone if cycling or hiking.
Anon
What do you collect and how do you display/store it?
I’m a fan of enameled bangles, many of which I buy vintage on etsy, and I have a giraffe statue thing with an elongated neck, meant for paper towel storage, that I put them all on. But I think I could do better.
I also have too many books I’m not willing to give up, and I have an entire bookshelf-lined room for them (my home office) as well as bookshelves everywhere else.
I’m not an all around hoarder, in case this sounds like it. I’m a merciless culler of things that aren’t in these categories.
Anonymous
I have two things I actively collect. My Breyer horses are incorporated into the décor around the house, and my Royal Doulton collection is in a special cabinet.
I also have the 1986 American Girl doll along with most of her collection in my office displayed with my small collection of 1980s toys I saved from my childhood.
Anon
What is the 1986 American Girl? The original one? What’s her name?
Anonymous
No, not an original. Her name is Courtney, she is a historical character released in 2020.
Anon
The 1986 doll being part of the “historical” collection physically hurts me! Although I guess they had a 1950s doll when we were kids and that was our moms’ era.
Anonymous
I had such a mixed reaction when she was released because OMG my childhood in a doll and yet OMG 1986 can’t possibly be that long ago yet! And then I had to own her, haha.
Anon
Rare bourbon and everywhere. On the bar, on the shelves below the bar, on top of cabinets, and now in boxes in my walk-in closet.
Anon
I’m coming to your house.
Anon
Neat? Rocks? Old fashioned? Smoked (I have a cocktail smoker)?
Senior Attorney
For the bracelets (which sounds like a very fun collection), how about mounting dowels on the wall like people do for giftwrap? https://www.etsy.com/listing/948913857/gift-wrap-storage-22-rolls-gift-wrap
I collect refrigerator magnets and I’ve painted my laundry room (walls and ceiling) with magnetic paint and stick them on there. I like it because it doesn’t take up any space I’d otherwise use for anything else.
And I have way too many Christmas ornaments but they only come out once a year…
Anon
That magnet collection sounds like so much fun! The dowel idea is something to aspire to. I don’t have that many yet! I probably have about 50, but they’re not always out where I can use them.
Anonymous
I collect cookbooks. They are corralled in a dedicated freestanding bookcase with shelves angled downward, which is perfect for the purpose. It is full now and I haven’t been able to identify anything I am willing to part with yet, so I am no longer adding to the “collection ”
I am starting to collect art and, of course, it will be displayed on the walls. But I have few spaces suitable for hanging in my little house, so there is a natural limitation there, too.
I also collect extra buttons and random hardware – not as a hobby but as an unfortunate byproduct of life and fear of needing these things someday. I have each of these collections in an assigned storage bin of appropriate size but hope to substantially cull them in the coming months.
Anon
OP here, yes my massive cookbook collection includes cookbooks. I really only follow recipes for baking, but I love a good cookbook with nice pictures for inspiration.
Anonymous
The absurdity of my cookbook collection is that I also almost never follow recipes. I don’t even cook much that isn’t a basic protein and veg with salt, pepper, and olive oil, maybe some lemon and/or an herb. I do get some inspiration from them, love to just look at them, and they are aspirational. Someday when I have everything else in life situated, I will cook through the books, right?
OP
* I meant to say massive book collection!
Anonymous
I have a collection of cookbooks as well, but don’t actively collect them anymore. Some of my favorites are historical reprints I’ve picked up at historical sites over the years, and one that was owned by my great-grandmother in the 1940s that has ingredient stains on some of the pages.
Anonymous
The stains tell you what to make if you want to make something she made. I love it.
Anon
This is honestly how I find my own go-to recipes. Biscuits after on the really crinkly page where I dropped the buttermilk that one time…
Anon
100%. My mom’s Betty Crocker cookbook has pages that are falling out because they were turned to so often. Tons of stains too.
If anyone wants Swiss Steak or Stroganoff, I have the recipes!
Senior Attorney
We’ve pretty much had to go to the “one in, one out” system for cookbooks because otherwise they outgrow the shelf space!
Anonymous
I collect fountain pens and just got a 20 pen display box for christmas this year. It lives in my office because I use at least one most days.
Anon
How do you keep the nibs from drying out when you’re not using the same pen every day?
Anonymous
As long as they get used once a week or so, I don’t have problems with most of my pens. And I don’t have them all inked. Usually 6 or so, for the color variation. Half bright bold colors, half darker more muted.
Anon
I collect magnets. I started because it was an small and cheap souvenir when I was taking a five month trip. And now I just love looking at all the magnets I collected over all my travel. It’s now a fun task where I look for unique magnets everywhere I go. I painted a wall in my kitchen with magnetic paint, and they’re all on there.
Other than that I have a lot a books, but I don’t think I would say I collect them, and artwork I picked up on trips
Anon
I initially collapsed this thread as irrelevant and now all I want is a magnetic paint wall!!
OP
Irrelevant? How dare you!!
(Just kidding!)
Anon
Hahahahaha!!
Senior Attorney
OMG you are me! We painted our whole laundry room with magnetic paint!! Great minds, man…
Anon
I collect Starbucks mugs (You’re here series) and i display them in my living room in an open bookcase. Some live among my regular mugs in kitchen cupboards.
Anon
So do you buy a mug everywhere you travel to? That sounds like fun.
The mom of one of my daughter’s friends collects the straw cups, like you’d get an iced drink in. I know her daughter is always searching eBay for hard to find versions for gift occasions.
Books and Mags
I collect vintage teen magazines (I run an Instagram account about them!) and vintage teen novels from the 60s-00s. SO much fun.
Anon
How do you store them? I admit to owning a massive box full of many years worth of vogue knitting.
Senior Attorney
I need that insta handle, please.
Anonymous
Vintage tourist spoons. Remember way back in the day when everyone knew someone with a spoon rack on the wall? Yeah, those spoons. They are on the same wall as my old family photos.
Anonymous
People who go to male ob/gyns–does it weird you out? I need an appointment for my annual and (much more critically) to get my IUD replaced and my normal gyn apparently has nothing for the next 3 months and the scheduling office can’t tell me when month 4 opens for appointments (what), but one of the male gyns has appointments. I’ve never gone to a male gyn because it just seems a little weird to me. Am I being unreasonable?
(And don’t get me started on the “well those have to be two separate appointments.” Sigh)
Anon
Didn’t bother me — I mean I think it’s a weird profession for a man to go into in this day and age but my beloved OBGYN practice had a few men and luck of the draw meant I saw them well so be it.
Anon8
I once asked a friend who was in med school why men would choose OBGYN and she said lots of people choose it because it’s one of the only specialties where you are helping (mostly) happy, healthy people.
Anon
I would say pediatrics even moreso but there’s stigma about men in that field too.
Anon
hmmm if you do deliveries, the professional liability insurance rates don’t back that up. There are a lot of tragic birth cases.
Cora
I’ve heard that is a good mix of patient care and being able to do procedures, and you typically deal with happy people – seems like a good combo, applies for both men and women
Anonymous
My aunt was a nurse midwife and she says there is no better feeling than handing someone their baby for the first time. I get why men would want to do that. I’d still rather a female obgyn (actually I have nurse midwives though but that’s another story.)
Anon
I don’t think it’s weird to prefer female OBGYNs. I’ve always had a woman as my main OBGYN although I had a man deliver my kid because that was who was on call.
Anon
I’ve gone to both male and female gyns, and I don’t find it weird to have a man. The whole experience is as far from sexual as it can be, so I figure it’s just like any other kind of doctor’s appointment. My current gyn is a man (I’ve been going to him for about 10 years now), and he is incredibly professional. There’s always a woman nurse in the room whenever I’m disrobed. He doesn’t look at me while doing the breast exam, etc. When I got my IUD, he was the only gyn (of any gender) in my small city who would give one to a woman who’d never had children before. He also didn’t bat an eye or try to talk me out of it when I told him I wanted to get surgically sterilized, even though I never had children. I’ve never felt like he’s taking my concerns less seriously or like he’s talking down to me or anything.
Having said all that, some women are simply not comfortable with a man gyn, and that is perfectly fine. Don’t feel like you “should” go to one if you don’t feel okay for any reason. Going to the doctor is already stressful, so no need to add extra stress!
anon
I think there are a number of women of a certain age who feel the way your mom did! I find it sort of funny. I’ve also had both a male and a female gyn, and it has never mattered much to me. The professionalism, bedside manner, and willingness to listen and take me seriously are my primary criteria for who gets to be my doctor. That said, I do understand why some women would feel much more comfortable with another woman.
Anon
When did she mention her mom?
anon
Was supposed to be for the commenter below. Sorry!
Anon
ohhhh!
Anon
Haha, how the tides have turned. My late mother was shocked that I had female OBGYNs. She literally said, “isn’t it weird having a woman touch you there?” I’m in favor of going to someone who has the same anatomy, and small hands as a bonus when I was giving birth.
That said, my OB office has a rotation system, so I “met” all the doctors before I gave birth. In fact, my second child was delivered by one of the male docs and at that moment, it wasn’t something I thought twice about. (I actually hate the term “delivered” in this context – I did all the work, he caught the baby and was there in case anything went wrong.) It didn’t make a difference to me in those cases. He did a fine job.
However. In the late ’90s, my OBGYN called a recently retired male doctor back to cover summer vacations. I had to see him when I was having a menstruation-related issue, and he not only chastised me for shaving my pubic hair, he also accused me of being “promiscuous” while doing my exam. At that point I was 30 years old and had had 2 s3xual partners in my entire life, which had nothing to do with my problem. Best believe I reported all of this to my regular OBGYN when she was back, and she promised the office would never rotate him in again.
Natalie
I used to be against the idea of a male ob-gyn but had a specific issue and got a recommendation for one – he’s been fantastic. He’s just a doctor doing doctor things, there’s nothing awkward about it beyond the usual. I like that hes very respectful and proactive about treating my chronic condition. Actually until this moment I had never thought twice about the fact that he’s a man. I think there’s been a female nurse or someone else in the room whenever he was actually doing procedures but not sure if that was just a coincidence.
Anon
It doesn’t matter that I am comfortable using a male obgyn (although seeing him at the gym two days after an appt was a bit of a shock). If you aren’t comfortable, then you don’t and shouldn’t have to force yourself to see one. My bf’s dad is an obgyn, that is awkward for me, but a dude I see once a year? Doesn’t bother me. But if it bothers you, that’s okay! There should always be someone else in the room with you with a male obgyn or at least that’s been my experience fwiw.
Anon
My gyn is a 73 y.o. professor and KOL on oncogynecology and he’s the best gyn I have ever had! Listens, asks questions, shows and explains, never discounts me, and went extra length after my myomectomy. I have never felt uncomfortable with him and I hear same feedback from other patients.
I think it depends on a person and their bedside manners.
Anon
I don’t think you’re unreasonable.
anon
Went to one from ages 21-40, until my beloved ob/gyn retired. No, it wasn’t weird. Also, there was always a second person in the room (almost always a female RN).
Anonymous
I’ve only been to male obgyns, and have been happy with that. Am considering changing to a woman for menopause, but more to get a specialist on that topic more that the data point of one of her having a more similar body.
nuqotw
It would weird me out a little bit to have a non-emergency appointment with one. That said, I just had cellulitis on my personal region and I did not care one bit about showing said region to a male urgent care doctor – I was just delighted that someone could diagnose my condition and prescribe an appropriate antibiotic.
FWIW my OB also had a rotation system and I discovered that my preferences for the doctor who is there when I give birth (someone who is matter of fact and relaxed) are very different from my preferences for routine care (a woman).
Cat
I’ve had both and while I prefer a woman, there was one man who was very good (warmed the metal, very matter of fact) and one who gave me the ick despite the presence of someone else in the room – didn’t go back to that one.
Anonymous
Weird for me? No. The best annual exam I ever had was performed by a male gyn. That said, if it’s weird for you, under no circumstances should you ever feel pressured to have a man examine you.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I had a phenomenal male gynecologist but what’s good for me isn’t necessarily good for you.
Anon
I prefer female GYNs because I like the idea that they may have some of the same issues or experiences I’m asking them about. Ditto for my GP.
Obviously, they may have no personal experience with whatever I’m asking about, which is fine. But if I’m asking questions about my uterus I’d prefer to ask someone who also has a uterus (or insert whatever female body part here).
I don’t care about the gender of other doctors, just GYN and GP. For example, I had a male radiologist perform a breast ultrasound and biopsy on me recently.
anon
I’m not comfortable with it so I go to a women-only practice. If I need a last minute appointment or my regular doctor is out for an emergency I’m guaranteed a woman. If you decide you’re not on board with male GYNOs and your practice swaps doctors regularly then you might consider switching to an all female office.
Anne-on
I go to a ObGyn practice with about a 50/50 male/female ratio and by FAR my favorite doctors are the men. They were SO much nicer about pain/discomfort whereas the female docs just kind of shrugged it off like, yea, I get period pains too, so what? One of the male doctors delivered my son and in all my follow up appointments the nurses noted that they all requested him for their own deliveries.
anon
I’m sorry to say that I’ve also found my new female GYN useless regarding my menopause symptoms. No sympathy/support/interest/time/advice. I choose her because she was a little older and had been through it herself, and had listed menopause as one of her interests. She handed me a leaflet to take home and read. When I asked directly about my hair loss and menopause, she said “yes”… and didn’t ask me anything about my hair loss/symptoms or look at my hair. She was wrong actually, and it turned out my hair loss was caused by something else. She did go on to order a blood test to see if I was IN perimenopause though and an ultrasound to CONFIRM that my bleeding was likely just the usual irregular perimenopausal bleeding. So it cost me $3600 and all she did was confirm what I already knew, but gave me no advice on how to deal with it.
I still wont go to a male OB/GYN though. I’ve met a couple disgusting men of my generation who went into it, and I’ve warned my friends to stick with women no matter what.
anon
In general, there is SUCH a dearth of information, resources, and compassion about perimenopause and menopause. It’s maddening, as I’m inching closer to that stage myself!
Anon
I’m there and I wish I could find a local Dr. Jen Gunter. All I can really do is read her book (excellent) and follow her on social media.
Anon
Just a note that I know two male OB/GYNs and both went into that specialty because of family history (one’s mother had died of ovarian cancer quite young; the other’s father was in that practice). There are plenty of reasons for men to go into that area. The best gynecologist I ever had was a man, my fertility specialist was a man, and a man delivered my baby.
All that said, do what makes you comfortable. Nobody else’s opinion matters. Just remember that the next time you want to roll your eyes at a man who wants a male doctor.
Anonymous
Oh I totally get men wanting to go to a male doctor. If I was a male, I would 100% want a male urologist, for example.
Anon
“Just remember that the next time you want to roll your eyes at a man who wants a male doctor.”
It’s not the same thing. Men want male doctors because they’re sexist and think (consciously or unconsciously) that women are less competent. Not equivalent to not wanting to be touched on your private parts by someone of the opposite gender. male doctors don’t bother me personally but it’s not fair to equate it to sexism.
Anon
Way to paint all men with a broad brush! You think men don’t have examinations of their “private parts” or male specific health concerns?
My dad is super liberal but very much prefers to have his prostate exam and his testicular cancer screening with a male doctor. And while I cannot be sure because it is not a subject we discuss, I imagine he is more comfortable discussing ED with a man. That doesn’t mean he thinks women doctors are less competent, and in he prefers them for other things.
Anon
Way to #notallmen. I’m sure some men want male doctors for valid reasons. But many are just sexist, and that doesn’t apply to women who want female gyns. It’s not analogous.
Anon
According to a 2018 survey
51% of people have no preference between male and female doctors
Among women, 46% prefer a female doctor while 44% have no preference.
Among men, 23% prefer a male doctor while 58% have no preference.
So there is really no evidence of any type of widespread bias amongst men against women doctors.
Anon
Such a sad, dim view of men in general. I hope you meet better men soon.
Anon
If I were a man, I’d want a male urologist. *shrug*
Anonymous
My mother always said that men wouldn’t succeed in gynecology unless they were REALLY good doctors (because most women don’t want to see them). That said, I prefer women doctors. I have been to see male gyns and they always had a female nurse in the room with them when they did exams.
anon
I’ve had a male GYN in the past, mostly because the office was convenient for me to go to. Comparing the experience, I can honestly say that showing my private body parts to a stranger is a bit awkward either way.
CapHillAnon
I’ve gone to both. There have been great ones and bad ones of both genders.
I’m personally not bothered by the idea of a man being an OBGYN, but I am inclined to go to a woman when I have the choice. I wouldn’t go to a dentist who didn’t have teeth; there is a common-sense appeal (to me) to be treated by someone who might have not just practical and academic knowledge, but specific personal knowledge, about my medical concern.
Totally agree with everyone else, though, that this isn’t something you can crowdsource to get a correct answer on! It’s what YOU feel comfortable with. Good luck!
Anonymous
I only saw women doctors for everything until I got cancer at age 32 and had male doctors assigned to me in the hospital. My reproductive endocrinologist who treated me in the hospital was male and delightful so I stuck with him. I ended up using a male OB for my pregnancy because he was the only one with expertise in what I needed in my city. This is anecdotal but I actually liked my male RE/OB better than the women OBs I used to see because they were much more relaxed and more risk tolerant. My male OB was in particular way more chill than many of my friend’s women OBs when it came to weight gain, diet, exercise, etc. He also was instrumental in me not having a C section.
Anonymous
I have an aversion to light touch, which I have experienced much more often with female doctors than male, so if I were looking, I’d probably choose a man. (I have also had this issue with a shampooing at the salon by a woman and during a pedicure by a woman, but not all women.) At my current practice, I have a female NP who does the exams and a female gyn who I basically never see. The NP doesn’t use light touch, so it’s been fine. I am actually nervous about the gyn because her manner suggests it might be more of an issue.
Anon
The only gyn who ever took me seriously re: what turned out to be severe endometriosis AND went above and beyond to get me pushed to the front of the line for surgery due to my job/insurance about to change is a man. My surgeon is a woman. Both were awesome.
I’ve also not really ever been in a position be too picky as to who my doctors are, so it didn’t really make a difference either way. The main thing is that they took me seriously.
Anon
I went to a male obgyn once. He was the only one with available appointments. I’m sure my situation is not common, but there are no words to describe how awful his bedside manner was! He also had awful reviews that were similar to my experience. I’d avoid male obgyns going forward but I’d check his reviews. If you need an appointment asap it’s probably not that bad.
Anonymous
I choose female doctors whenever possible because research has shown that they tend to have better patient outcomes.
Anon
I usually see women but have had an IUD placed by a man and a baby delivered by a man. I saw them as similar – they were business only appointments. I didn’t mind at all. But I don’t think I would love a male for my annuals. Can the guy do the IUD and you can wait 4 months for the regular appointment?
Anon
I’ve only had males gynecologists –with one quick appointment with a woman. I’ve had negative experiences twice: once with that woman and once with a man foisted on me by my public medical insurance.
I’ve had the same doctor otherwise for 30 years. He’s wonderful.
Anon
I think men make better gynecologists BECAUSE they don’t have personal experience of our problems. They don’t make assumptions. I felt totally judged for something the one time I went to a female gyn. They HAVE to listen better to us –and I know all doctors should do so anyway, but we still struggle with being heard, right?
Anon
Honestly, this is more where I fall. I don’t mind a little white knighting from a doctor if it means he is concerned about my symptoms and willing to actually try to help. I do mind an attitude of “deal with it — the rest of us do” which I’ve encountered a few times unhelpfully.
Anon
Hope it’s not too late on a Friday for this! I’m on the west coast.
I read some article about “high-functioning anxiety” and had a bit of a lightbulb moment. I’ve done therapy for anxiety and take Lexapro but I feel like I’ve always struggled with the fact that I’m high achieving and do just fine – it never has really seriously interfered with my functioning, at least not at school then work, even when engaging in some objectively harmful behaviors (like starving myself and purging in college). I have an appointment with a new therapist coming up after a long-ish (4-5 years) break from therapy because I just have felt like things have been a bit harder and more anxiety producing lately than they should be. My life is in a good place – there’s nothing big I actually want to change right now – but I feel a little crushed by pressure and never living up to my expectations for myself, if that makes sense.
It feels melodramatic because everything is basically fine. Like am I being greedy and expecting everything to be perfect? Though maybe this group could relate.
Anon
I’m an achiever who has struggled with anxiety and has still functioned throughout. It is MISERABLE! If you can get help, get help! You are not being melodramatic. You are considering engaging in self-care, which is always an excellent investment.
I’m older than you so listen to me – honey, make that appointment. You deserve it.
Anon
Comment stuck in m0d. You are not being melodramatic! If you need help, get help.
anon
Yes this is why I avoided therapy for many years. My life is really good and I’m high functioning. clearly I can solve my own problems and need to have reasonable expectations.
All of which is generally true, but therapy for the last year or so has literally changed my life in a way I didn’t know I needed changing. so in short, still worth it.
anon for this
Love hearing this! Can you say more about the type of therapy that has worked for you, or if you sought out a therapist with specific training?
Curious
+1 except different timing. Therapy took me from surviving and performing to enjoying life.
Anonymous
I just went back on medication and restarted therapy after a long pause as I was suddenly dealing with insomnia and some fairly intense physical anxiety symptoms. Other than that, I thought I was basically fine. 2 weeks in and I feel so much better I can’t believe it. I really thought I was being a little over the top going back on medication, as in the past I always started taking it when I was really depressed. But shockingly, it can be helpful when you don’t wait for things to get really bad. Anyway, try it – you can always stop if it doesn’t improve your life. It’s been a long pandemic and I think a lot of us are struggling more than we realize.
Anonymous
CBT to reframe your negative thoughts. That’s what the research shows is effective.
Anon
I always feel it must matter whether someone is having negative thoughts to begin with!
Anon
I just made a good veggie soup and wanted to share … not really a recipe. A clean out the produce drawer soup.
Saute aromatics in olive oil. Mine were a diced onion, diced celery, diced carrots, diced parsnip, sliced green onion white parts, and garlic toward the end. I always salt these as they saute. When those are soft add a couple of tablespoons of tomato paste and try to get it sort of cooked on the bottom of the pan. I added some red pepper flakes and dried thyme at this point.
Then a mix of chicken stock I happened to have and hot water. All water would have been fine. A bay leaf. As this was getting going, I chopped and added: one seeded jalapeno, minced, half a head of cabbage, finely sliced, sliced stems of asparagus. When the asparagus slices were soft, I added the tips and the sliced part of the green onions. I had some fresh dill and I added that at the very end. Tasted for salt, served with a drizzle of olive oil.
I make this kind of thing all the time, often with frozen veggies (aromatics + a handful of frozen corn & frozen peas at the end, sometimes a drained can of black beans.) I always like to get a bellyful of veggies to get back on track after a few days of heavy meat or cheese eating.
thanksgiving anxiety
This sounds good! It always feels great to use up a bunch of random things from the fridge and not have to throw anything away. I’m trying to get better about cooking things like this rather than always relying on recipes that require buying certain things at certain times.
Anon
Yum!
Anon
I’m looking for work dresses that are less formal than a sheath (already have two of those that fit well) but can be worn with a blazer for business end of business casual. What are your favorite silhouettes and fabrics for this?
thanksgiving anxiety
DVF silk jersey wrap
Anon
I like shirt dresses with pockets. I don’t wear them with a blazer though
Anon100
Not sure if anyone will see this over the weekend but just wanted to share – I GOT A FORMAL OFFER FOR A NEW JOB AND AT LEAST A 25% PAY RAISE IN BASE SALARY! And even better, it will be doing something I *want and like* doing, unlike at my current job where my job title says I do one thing but in reality they’ve made me work on another type of project I absolutely abhor. Benefits and culture are better too. I am in a niche science-related consulting field and for a long time I thought I was tied to my smaller firm because of my specialty, but apparently that’s not the case and I’ve been vastly underpaid for years.
I don’t think I would have felt as comfortable asking for that much money if I had not ingested the experiences many people have shared here over the years about job searching, interviewing, negotiating pay as a woman (esp as AAPI) and benefits, and most importantly, how to frame these discussions in corporate-talk. :)
So thank you Corporette Hive!
p.s. to others looking for a new job – sending good vibes to you all! i know those of you in the tech industry might be getting hit hard, but my fingers are crossed for you that you all find great new jobs
Anon
Well done, you!
Seafinch
Bravo!! This is so exciting!
Anon
Way to go!
Anon
Congratulations!
Senior Attorney
Hooray!!!
Anon
Has anyone left BigLaw or similar job and regretted it? Is there something you would have wanted to know or try before leaving? I’ve been in it for a while, am a young partner, and I’m planning on giving notice in the spring. I have a job that I will enjoy lined up (working as a staff attorney in a court doing the kind of law I specialize in) and I think it will be a really good fit for maximizing the kind of work I enjoy (writing and thinking about the law), minimizing what I don’t (constantly stressed, non stop weekends and late nights, client development, opposing counsel), and give me time with my family I have not had and desperately want while my marriage is still healthy (BigLaw is taking a toll there that I don’t think the marriage will survive), while my beautiful kids are little, and while my parents are still active and up for adventure. But I do fear giving up a well paid, prestigious, and interesting position I’ve worked so hard for. I have talked to folks who have left similar jobs and been glad for the change (and if there are some of you reading who are in that group I’d love to hear it!). But if there is anyone who has experience the other way and some suggestions about things I should consider before making such a plunge, I would really value hearing your story and insight.
Anon
IMHO, as an ex biglaw lawyer, the only people who think it’s prestigious are the people working in it. I found that mentality toxic. Along with the idea of it’s the only place for interesting work. My post biglaw career has been a million times more interesting and fulfilling. So long way of saying, enjoy this next step and I think you’ll love it with zero regrets.
Anon
+1 to the outside (non-biglaw world) your new job will be just as prestigious.
Senior Attorney
Amen to that. Everybody outside Big Law thinks the people in it are insane.
OP, I did exactly the move you did (except from Mid Law, not Big Law), and never looked back. Best thing I ever did. And now I am months away from retiring with that sweet, sweet government pension and retirement benefits and feeling even better about it.
Anon
I don’t practice law (my husband does though). The job your describe sounds amazing and impressive. Your reasons sound grounded in happiness and love. I think you’re making a great choice and wish you the best in the new role (and with your free time!).
sesame
I’m making a similar move as you. At times, I’ve felt the same feelings of doubt, but speaking personally, I think it’s coming from the fact that I’m a risk-averse person (as are many in law) rather than anything grounded in reality. Biglaw was basically destructive for my personal relationships. I lacked enthusiasm for parts of the job (for example, client development, firm management) that became more significant aspects of my day-to-day life as I became more senior. And while I enjoyed the legal work, I think that biglaw work is often considered “prestigious” because the clients are recognizable and the amounts at stake can be quite large — and not necessarily because the problems involved are any more meaningful or complicated than in other lines of work. I did get to work on plenty of interesting and challenging issues, but I also had my fair share of late nights working on essentially silly disputes between deep-pocketed parties. I’m in your same boat and so really in a position to give advice, but if you’re feeling those doubts, I’d encourage you to be specific with yourself about what it is you think you’ll be missing. At least speaking personally, I find that my doubts tend to melt away when I do so.
sesame
**NOT really in a position to give advice! :)
Anon
OP here. This hit everything I’m feeling and have experiençed – I really do think we are in the same boat! I wish you all the best and I hope we’re both happier on the other side!
Anonymous
I’m so late so I hope you see this. I left a top firm for an in house job and I miss BigLaw. My in house job is basically a unicorn job – amazing people, truly intellectually challenging work and better hours (although definitely not 9-5, but I rarely work weekends). It’s really special and I’ve been there for 5 years. I’m explaining this because even with how great it is I still miss BigLaw.
I miss BigLaw. I was a specialist in a niche practice area with lots of nights, weekends, last minute deadlines and I worked on average 80 hours a week. There’s no equivalent in house unless I use my expertise in house but on different and way less interesting projects (think negotiating a billion dollar merger vs. putting in place a compliance program). There are options to practice in BigLaw and have better hours, but you work on different types of projects that l tried and really disliked. I was exceptional at the work, worked on exciting newsworthy projects and loved my clients (who were not lawyers generally so they were easier to work with). I loved, loved, loved the work itself. I really miss it.
If there was a way I could do my exact prior BigLaw job with more predictable hours/fewer hours I would do it in a heartbeat. However, there is not, and I have a great situation in house, so I don’t think about going back due to hours alone. It’s tough!
Anon
I cannot imagine working an average of 11 hours a day, 7 days a week for extended periods of time. I have had a few trials and hearings where I worked all day in the office, got some food and coffee then returned home or the hotel for coffee to prep for the next day. But it was not sustainable. Everything suffered: laundry, meals, relationships, etc. And I needed down time after.
Cat
Scratch off prestigious bc it only matters, for personal career purposes, to other BigLaw folks.
Scratch off interesting bc unless you’re leaving for a doc review position, in-house life brings all sorts of random interesting stuff.
That leaves well-paid. Are you prepared for the cut?
Anon
My husband and I have both left BigLaw (the same firm, actually, although we never overlapped) for very small law, and neither of us regrets it. I do get what you mean about potentially missing the prestige, but you will always have that to give yourself credibility. My BigLaw experience was 20 years ago, and I was a senior associate rather than a partner, but I still trot it out when necessary to make it clear that I’ve done this before. The only group who can’t understand why I left are the BigLawLifers I worked for; everyone else sees that I had what it took and give me credit for it still. The BigLawLifers (all men, perhaps not coincidentally) are mystified as to what I do all day or where I get clients or how I make a living, but everyone else with any inkling how BigLaw works nod and understand. I am forever grateful for that experience, and it is an amazing environment and career path for some people. But in SmallLaw, I work orders of magnitude less than I did before (as does my husband, who left several years ago), I mostly raised my kids outside of the always-on schedule, I get fabulous work, and I regret it not one whit.
Anon
My friend left biglaw after 3 years. She said it was her career or her marriage simply because they never saw each other. My current manager is also former biglaw. Aside from the financial benefits, I can’t imagine anyone regretting biglaw.
helloanon
I know you said you’re looking for regrets, but as someone who left biglaw 2 years ago and knows many, many former biglaw lawyers who are now in all kinds of different roles (including non-practicing, like me), the only thing I have ever heard anyone say they miss is the salary. Biglaw seems super prestigious and important while you’re in it, but once you get out and gain a little perspective, I think you will be surprised by how quickly you get over it. I am glad I did it for several years, as it allowed me to pay off my loans and set up a nice nest egg, but my life is so, so much better after leaving it behind. Good luck to you!
Anon
Help me shop! I’m looking for a thin short sleeve or three quarter sleeve with a scoop neck that can be worn under a blazer without adding bulk. A silk knit would be great. I don’t really like cashmere.
Anon
Quince?
Anonymous
Majestic filatures. Order through Neiman Marcus or Nordstrom because the company has terrible customer service but great tops.
No More Toxicity
The word “toxic’ is overused, but I just quit the first-ever toxic job I’ve ever had (after 21 years of working professionally) and I have been practically dancing down the street ever since I did it.
I quit without something else lined up, but I’m actively interviewing AND offered a long transition out which they agreed to. (I’m in charge of the date, but I’m gathering info about bonus payouts and what not before I settle on anything.) But just knowing that 1. there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and 2. I was pretty brutally honest with my toxic boss (the CEO, so that’s fun) about how I could no longer let her treat me the way she does has opened up space in my head and heart for the first time since I started here 11 months ago.
I feel freer and more optimistic than I have felt in the past year. I was GIDDY walking into her office to quit, despite the fact that I’d been sobbing my eyes out the night before because I was so broken down. I’m the primary breadwinner in my house, my special needs’ kid’s special services will have to change if/when my insurance changes, and even with all that drama, I know I made the right choice.
Shout out to all the folks out there who’ve left toxic workplaces or teams or managers.
Anon
I did. Biggest regret was not leaving earlier.
Anonymous
Congratulations! I am sure this was an agonizing choice but one that future you will be so grateful you made.
Anon
I did quit laat year in May a workplace that went from “dream” to “toxic” over the course of 10 years. Took 10 month off to travel, recharge and job search. I am single, have savings, knew it would be just a question of time to find a new job. Most of my coworkers couldn’t believe I quit without a new job lined up. Few months later, at least 30% of them are actively recruiting as situation escalated. They say they regret not quitting earlier, as now they find it difficult mentally to work and job hunt.
Congratulations! And wish you good luck with job search! You deserve much better!
Anon
That’s so great! Sometimes you have to let go of the old before the universe gives you the new
Anonymous
Has anyone bought converse low top sneakers recently? I am overwhelmed by all the choices – seems like there are at least 4 different versions of black low tops with stitching, holes, etc differences.
Anonymous
Seeking advice. On Fri night my tween daughter attended a school dance. A boy who she doesn’t know (large school — recognizes him from her grade but he’s in a different house) walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, told her “you’re an ugly fat-a$$” and ran off with his friends.
She held it together for the rest of the dance, but burst into tears in the car as soon as I picked her up. I am certain she did nothing to provoke this as she has social anxiety and does not speak to anyone she doesn’t know (barely speaks to people she does know). It seemed like a huge victory that she even attended the dance in the first place, and she was so excited to pick out a new outfit for the event and to hang out with her friends. (And not that it matters, but she’s a competitive athlete and in very good physical shape).
In the moment I did my best to console her, but had to drop her at her dad’s as we are divorced and it’s his weekend. He tells me she is fine and has “forgotten” the incident, though I tend to doubt that (she is not close with her dad and does not share much with him).
My question is whether to bring this up with my daughter when she returns from her dad’s? Try to process it with her? What to say (other than the obvious reassurance)? Tell her therapist and let the therapist talk to her? I know my daughter — she keeps her feelings bottled up and only tells me she’s upset if she’s really hurting. I don’t want her to give these comments another thought, but I’m pretty sure she’s ruminating on them and I don’t know what to do.
Senior Attorney
Yes, talk to her about it. When I was in seventh grade I had a similar experience and my parents never mentioned it again and my takeaway was that it was too shameful to talk about and also that it was plainly my fault for being too ugly and too fat.
I don’t know if this is the right thing, but if it were me I’d ask her how she’s feeling, and pretty much regardless of the answer, I’d tell her how mad I am at that horrible boy and how I want to punch him in the face!