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Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: WIRO Kimono Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I've been wanting to feature something from 11 Honoré for a while because they have so many gorgeous things that are perfect if you're looking for something really special for a particular occasion. This faux-wrap kimono dress from Wingate is sleek and cool — great for a desk-to-dinner look. It has pockets (!) and a “subtle, high-sheen trim” that can probably best be seen in this image. Note that it runs large (the site recommends ordering one size down) and that it's labeled dry clean only. The dress is $995. WIRO Kimono Dress   Two dresses at a similar price point in regular sizes are from Diane von Furstenberg and Nili Lotan; two more affordable alternatives are from Scotch & Soda (regular sizes) and Eloquii (plus).  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.  

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

276 Comments

  1. It’s like some people don’t even read a job posting before applying! The end.

      1. Its for a job that requires meeting with political officials very regularly. The applicant asked if she could work remotely “coming into the office once or twice a year” as if she had no idea a primary job function was in person meetings with important people. She lives clear across the country.

    2. Can you please elucidate why, when someone is perfectly qualified, applications languish and we applicants never heard back? It’s like even when we use the words from the posting in our cover letter, the application goes into a black hole, never to be seen again. Supremely frustrating as an applicant. Why is there no courtesy to even let us down with a form email?

      1. Because some applicants are unhinged. It really is easy enough to send out a mail merge to candidates saying they didn’t get the job, but the problem arises when people start calling and emailing and asking why. Its a shame a few bad candidates ruin it for the bunch.

        1. Sorry your attitude in these comments make you sound like someone I wouldn’t personally want to work for- the applicant could have been taken care of by clearly staying in the posting “no remote work possibility”. It’s a fairly common thing to ask for and should be addressed and filtered for. Fwiw I deal with political people in person and work remotely- I fly in for my meetings and am awesome at my job. The fact that I work remotely and have a manger that trusts me, means I am supremely loyal to her and my employer.
          As for letting people know they are no longer in the running for a job- it’s the respectful thing to do, and more places should do it (especially if they being someone in for an interview).

          1. To make it work would require weekly flights during high season, which when you’re an environmental lobbyist isn’t acceptable. And the candidate specifically suggested coming in once or twice a year which means she either didn’t read the posting or has no idea what a lobbyist does.

          2. Ranty is correct. When the job description specifies frequent in-person meetings with third parties, it does not need to specify that remote work is not a possibility. Normal people can infer that from the job description.

          3. I would never presume that remote work is possible/acceptable/allowed from a job posting unless it actually said something to the effect of “remote work permitted.”

            But (and I ranted about it here) I applied for a job last fall, had multiple interviews, including an in person interview with several members of the legal department (including the GC and deputy GC) in October, and then it was radio silence until January (when I found out I didn’t get the job). I knew/had a feeling about 2 weeks after the interview that I wasn’t getting the job (which was okay with me, I applied on a whim and after I applied found out I was pregnant, so it wouldn’t have been the best timing). However, I was still highly annoyed that I had spent all this time filling out the application, scheduling interviews, had 2 hours of phone interviews and 5+ hours of in person interviews (I was told I was one of three candidates that made it to the final round) and then didn’t hear anything for two months. This was not some tiny organization of 10 people either – it is a fortune 100 company with a dedicated HR and recruiting department. Maybe it really did take someone 2 months to come to a decision, but that seems doubtful.

      2. I realized recently that sometimes the applications do disappear into a black hole. I submitted my resume and a killer cover letter for a job I was very well qualified for, and never heard anything back. I figured I must not have been as well qualified as I thought and moved on, but mentioned to a work acquaintance who works for that employer that I had applied and never heard back. She was shocked and did some digging, but they couldn’t find my application. I forwarded my application email and they confirmed the address was correct but they had no record of receiving the email. Anyway, I did end up interviewing and just accepted their offer yesterday. I always thought following up on a job application was annoying for hiring managers and therefore a no no, but this experience has shaken my confidence in that assumption!

      3. I understand the concerns about unhinged applicants, but I think form emails are doable (we’ve certainly done them where I work). It’s very frustrating when there is complete radio silence.

      4. It doesn’t make it right, but sometimes there can be a period to see if the new hire works out and sometimes the budget can get new scrutiny that means the once open position goes into limbo with all applicants. Folks don’t like to give a no because it closes options.

        Employers,if you do give a no though, please don’t be like one place I interviewed. Made it through a video round. Came in for three people. Call from HR to talk benefits. Then a phone call with one person. About 5 min after that call, HR called to say I didn’t get it. Um, could you at least give the illusion you gave it some thought? I’ve also had rejections come a couple of years after applying—like, thanks for bringing me down in my new life about something I don’t even remember wanting. And my favorite-the auto rejection form letter sent to a dear friend months later—on Thanksgiving!

  2. I work on a team of three people who all do the same work. One teammate who I loved recently left, so we just hired a replacement who is nice but very junior. The third teammate is tough. Out of the three of us, she’s been here the longest and has the most institutional knowledge, but she hoards work, doesn’t share information, and constantly complains about how busy she is. Very much an individual contributor and not a team player. Objectively, my job is fine and i’m not looking to leave. The work is ok, the boss is supportive, etc. How do I get over the hurdle of a poor dynamic on my team? I really miss my former coworker who was a helpful system of checks and balances.

    1. Try expanding your network outside of your office. Meet up with peers from other firms (including your former coworker!) so that you still have a support network and a social interaction to look forward to during the work day. The side benefit is that your network should be able to help you if you do decide to look elsewhere.

      1. We’re not at a law firm, we’re in industry. I do have colleagues in the field, which is helpful, and I also have work friends in other departments… but just our day-to-day internal team dynamics are not great.

    2. Have you ever spoken directly to this coworker about dynamics? I don’t think you should try tackle all three issues you flagged in one conversation– and work hoarding is something that your supervisor should probably address/mediate– but can you bring up information sharing? I think you could use your other colleague’s recent departure as a reason to openly address team norms.

    3. I have this one: Electrolux UltraSilencer EL6986B Canister Vacuum
      Four years old, going strong. I have two cats and it does great with hair and litter.

    4. The grabber is super insecure… that is what prompts this locked up knowledge and hoarding work.

      Maybe it’s time to change the way the work comes in to this group and how work is divided. Offer to take on more responsibilities as an Intake Lead role to triage the incoming requests and assign to ppl based on their workload so “one person is not overloaded” (politically wording the work grabbing!).

      As a part of this new process – you can also assign knowledge sharing day – where everyone gets to present what they know and others grill them.

  3. Do you love your vacuum? Criteria: canister not upright, good for pet hair, not a Dyson (looked at them and really they seem so flimsy and plastic), has a bag to change. Consumer Reports reading suggests Miele is the way to go.

      1. I have two Maine Coon cats and couldn’t live without my Miele. It has a HEPA filter I purchase separately and replace. My colleague has her mother’s Miele from the 70s.

        Use a BB&B coupon as they are pricey.

        1. +1. I have the cheapest Miele they sold at the store (the one that comes in multiple bright colors – mine is yellow) and it is such an improvement over my previous cheapo vacuum. I have a cat and it gets all the pet hair without ruining my carpeting.

      2. I LOVE my Miele. Love it. And I am a person who does not care about cleaning that much.

        I bought mine in a dark green because it was cheaper and I don’t care what color my vacuum is. I blanched at the price, but it was worth it.

    2. Following with interest. I have the same criteria, and I additionally need a HEPA filter for allergens.

    3. Not a bag to change, but the container is easy to dump – we have a Bissell hard floor expert (forget the exact name) and have been very satisfied for the price point.

    4. Yeah, get a Miele with a power head. I loved mine and how clean and sanitary the bag was…stored well…sigh. It went to my ex in the divorce and I still miss it…

        1. My animal upright is EVERYTHING. Used it before the dog, fell absolutely in love after we got her.

      2. Same! Had an upright and the cordless and truly love them both. My aunt downsized recently and I took a pass on her Miele for a second Dyson cordless to have on the second floor. My clean-freak mom had a Miele and when I first bought the Dyson I was at her house first so we tried it and it pulled up so much from her *white* carpet that she had already vacuumed the day before! She was stunned and angry and bought a Dyson that week. I don’t find them flimsy but they are extremely lightweight, which I love. My husband had a fancy Samsung when I met him that was so unwieldy I had to push it with two hands… and I am a powerlifter. It was virtually impossible to push on a rug. Who wants a chore to be even worse when the vacuum is heavy and unwieldy (personally another reason why I prefer uprights and also hate the separate piece that drags along)?

    6. I bought my Miele for myself for my 40th. #sorrynotsorry It is awesome! We have the cat dog one with the HEPA filter.

    7. I’ll be the dissenting voice on the Miele love – we have two of them (the stick one, and one of the mid-range canister ones) because I have allergies and wanted something with a real HEPA filter. They’re both ok, but TBH, I miss my Kenmore canister, which did a much better job of vacuuming overall – like, I can see with the Miele that I need to go over an area multiple times for it to get everything. I don’t have the power head, so maybe that would help, but since the power head costs nearly as much as a Kenmore HEPA, I’m kinda thinking we might just go back to that.

  4. I haven’t thought of this in years… but my husband wants to run for office (first in a prominent city in our state, but dreams of governor or state senator). As we have been reading and listening to advice, I have heard that all secrets come out – ex boyfriends, family drama. Back in high school (20 years ago) , I made up a boyfriend who “lived” in another state. We’re talking created a hotmail email account/AOL name made up, purely for attention. Probably lasted a few months? I no longer have the hotmail account info, but someone out there might have old emails.

    I know this was immature and dumb. I’m a consultant now making six figures, didn’t date until late 20s – this would surprise those who know me. I’m going to tell my husband, but any advice on damage control? There wouldn’t be anything explicit, but probably cringe-inducing 16 year old stuff.

    1. I’m not in politics but if this is the worst secret in your past, I think you’re good.

    2. This is a non-issue. Opponents would look bad bringing it up.

      If your husband is thinking about running for a prominent office, wherein someone will do actual opposition research, then both of you need to sit down with a consultant and ask the consultant these questions.

      1. Ditto to the anon at 9:07. Hire a consultant to help with the process, but I wouldn’t stress over something so small. Honestly, a imaginary ex is much easier to ignore than a real jacka**. Hugs and good luck, don’t sweat the small stuff.

    3. I am in politics and have done opposition research and can’t imagine a world in which anyone would care about this.

      1. What kinds of things do people care about, besides things that are obviously illegal? I ask because I hope to run one day and I wonder similar things to OP. I don’t think I’ve done anything bad (although I did have one boyfriend in college who was convinced I cheated on him (I didn’t), but its not like I’ve never done anything a little embarassing

        1. Email if you’re a democrat. Nothing if you’re a republican – go ahead and grab em….

          1. You mean an email server that illegally handled classified information and would have gotten most people in jail?

            I’ve had a secret-level security clearance. I now work in a secured facility and with a company that handles classified information. It blows my mind that the woman did not face criminal charges.

          2. You mean the same thing Jared Kushner and lots of other members of Trump’s administration are doing? Also she was investigated by the (Republican led) FBI and they determined charges weren’t appropriate – it doesn’t mean it was a good decision, but I think it’s hard to argue this conduct “would have gotten most people in jail.”

          3. The Obama Administration FBI was not Republican-lead, you twit.

            It is an absolute certainty that Clinton passed highly classified information over that server, which is different than official information.

            She also wiped the server clean (and destroyed it physically) to prevent forensic analysts from figuring out exactly what emails were on it, which is so beyond illegal.

            But you tools all pretend that we’re upset about her yoga emails. I can’t believe my vote does not count for like fifty times your vote.

          5. Jim Comey was a Republican. You can say you don’t like him because Obama appointed him or whatever, but it’s a fact that he was a registered Republican and identified as a member of the Republican party. The irony of you calling someone else a twit when you can’t even be bothered to comprehend basic facts…

        2. Things that are immoral but not illegal – cheating on your partner, using racist language, plagiarism or academic dishonesty. Generally dishonestly is a big thing – you don’t want to be caught in a lie, even if it’s about something stupid. Old political beliefs that are diametrically opposed to your current ones can be dredged up. I don’t think it’s a big deal that an ex believes you cheated. If you actually cheated and there’s someone who knows about that and will sit for an interview describing the affair, that’s where things could potentially get bad.

        3. As a voter, I am only interested in “scandals” that are uncovered if they include hypocrisy. Did you bully the gay kid in your class and are now out and proud? Did you rail against illegal immigrants while employing an illegal nanny and paying her cash under the table to avoid taxes? Mostly the actual thing is not a problem, it’s the appearance of hypocrisy that will get you.

      2. What kinds of things can people actually find? Private emails I sent to a close friend years ago? Every report card I ever had? Application essays I submitted? Medical history? I’ve never really used social media so no huge risk there. No drunk pictures or anything like that incriminating.

      1. I took it to mean she’s now a mature adult people give trust to do good work (otherwise they wouldn’t pay her so much $), and not a teenager who makes up bfs (fwiw I made up a first kiss lol).

    6. This is adorable and I can’t imagine it’s going to hurt him. If you were running, and it was in your mid-twenties, and you had a general problem with looking immature, maybe. But in high school? When you’re not the candidate? Nah.

    7. Awwww, I agree this is adorable. I really doubt this would ever come out and even if it did, it would be a joke at your expense, but nothing damaging.

  5. Has anyone found a ‘natural’ deodorant that actually works? So far I’ve had the best luck, effectiveness wise, with Schmidt’s but it gives me a rash if I use it more than a few days in a row (I think it’s the coconut oil?). Tom’s, Welleda and Kiss My Face have been less than effective. I’d love to figure this out before summer.

    1. Sometimes there’s buildup in the armpit from
      previous chemicals and this needs to be removed. Bentonite clay mixed with water can help remove these layers … If you are not sensitive to baking soda, you can add a bit of that as well … Baking soda stings after a shave so watch out.

      I find Aubrey Organics crystal deo work for me.

    2. I posted the same question (more or less) in the last week so maybe do a search on that? I tried switching to the Schmidt’s sensitive version but that gives me a rash too. Lavanila, toms, the crystal, and primal pit paste didn’t work for me. Soapwalla worked but also gave me a rash. It’s really hard to find effective ones that don’t contain baking soda.

    3. Schmidt’s sensitive skin worked pretty well for me. The baking soda in the regular formula irritates my skin after a while. I’m trying out Native now and so far I like it. It goes on smoother than the Schmidts

      1. Where do you get Native? I saw it recc’ed the other day, but haven’t found it aat RiteAid or Safeway.

      2. We ordered it online from their website- I don’t know that it has a brick and mortar presence.

      4. Another recommendation for Native. You can order from their website, and Target recently started carrying it in stores. I have to use the sensitive – the baking soda in the regular formula gave me a rash.

      5. Native is online and in Target. If you do a search for Native deodorant, it’ll come up. Also do a search for a discount code (like Retail me Not). I don’t buy a three-pack until I can get it for $20.00 or under. The price in Target is about $12.00 each, if I remember. I’ve been using it for over a year now and love it. No more rashes, no more itching.

      1. +1

        Does that count as natural? I’m not actually sure what that means in the deodorant world.

    8. Someone recommended milk of magnesia dabbed on with a Cotten ball to me- it seemed to work while I was trying it.

    11. I’m musing… if I said, there’s this class of product I want to use, but it doesn’t really work and gives me a rash, wouldn’t people say, whoa, maybe don’t use that class of product? It’s kind of amazing what people will overlook if you put the word “natural” in front of the product.

      To be sure, I don’t really care what people use and am not a shill for Big Unnatural Deodorant, but I am a scientist and am very interest in how many people seem to assume that “natural” is always better.

      1. “Natural” is just shorthand for things that many of us want – a deodorant that isn’t an antiperspirant, something that doesn’t smell like petroleum, something that doesn’t contain parabens, etc. We’re not all idiots assuming that “natural” is a catch-all meaning the perfect, healthy, holy grail of organic living. There are also many types of products within this “class of product” and it takes time to find the right thing (much like people post constantly about trying to find the right shoes or make-up or recipe).

        1. Agreed. By natural deodorant, the general reference is to “non-traditional” meaning no aluminum-based main ingredient and/or no parabens etc. I don’t think anyone is implying that you can’t react to products in a natural deodorant, but there is a general consensus that a lot of things in main stream deodorants are terrible for you or there is some evidence of links to cancer (particularly breast cancer in the case of paraben and aluminum based antiperspirants).

          1. The American Cancer Society does not consider antiperspirants or parabens to have any role in breast cancer risk. Neither does the National Cancer Institute. So I’d say that there is a “general consensus” that these things do NOT have a significant role in breast cancer risk.

            You’d probably be better off spending the money spent on natural deodorants that fail on lots of healthy food, if you are concerned about breast cancer. But hey, be stinky and itchy if you prefer.

          2. I thought the general consensus was that aluminium was linked to cancer? Anyway, I use Schmidt’s (never had a negative reaction) and recently bought a regular (I think it was Dove) deodorant in an emergency and man, it made me feel icky – sticky texture and weird metallic smell. Never going back.

          3. I don’t think I’m at high risk for breast cancer, but I still don’t think endocrine disruptors are something to play around with?

            “Regarded as safe until proven dangerous” doesn’t seem like a great approach to unprecedented risk factors… and existing institutions don’t exactly have a great track record of getting this right.

          4. (And again, I’m not always trying to avoid DYING OF CANCER. Maybe I just want to suffer less from PMS. And if I wait for science-backed solutions for women’s pain, I’ll be waiting for a while.)

      2. So, from cancer dot gov, I read: “Because studies of antiperspirants and deodorants and breast cancer have provided conflicting results, additional research would be needed to determine whether a relationship exists.” This made me think, hey, maybe it’s nothing but why not look into finding an alternative? So that’s what I’m doing. To me, in this context, ‘natural’ just means without aluminum.

    12. Meow Meow Tweet, lavender; they have a stick which might have baking soda, and they have a deodorant cream that doesn’t. They also have another scent.

    13. I use Alaffia vetivier & charcoal, and love it. But it has coconut oil, so if that’s what you’re sensitive to, it’s not for you.

    14. I’ve tried them all, including Native (gave me a rash) and the best by far is Primally Pure Activated Charcoal. No rash, workout proof, doesn’t cause white streaks, no weird smells

  6. Can you help me get my (financial) life in order?

    Spouse and I are 38 years old. We have three elementary-age kids and live in a MCOL; both of our jobs are great and as stable as anything can be in this world of unknowns. We recently downsized our home on purpose so as not to be so house-poor and have 19 years left on our mortgage. We also have 14 years left on a mortgage for a condo for my mother — we pay for that housing and she covers the HOA and her own expenses. Cars are both 8 years old and paid off; we have no credit card debt, we’re maxing out retirement savings for employer match and then some, and we save $2K/year per child for college in tax-deferred accounts. I have $18K left in undergraduate student loans and we have a small no-interest loan for a home repair at $3,000. Our credit is terrific.

    I’m trying to figure out how to get our heads above water. While typing all that out I feel like we’re doing OK, but in real life that doesn’t feel like the case. We are NOT big spenders but we do value time and experiences over “stuff” (ex: we live in a smaller house in a less-fancy neighborhood now, but we have a cleaning lady). I’m in a part time graduate program and while work is paying for about 25%, the rest is on us to the tune of $15K – $20K annually. So far, we’ve been able to cash-flow my grad school tuition but we have a very small emergency fund (four figures) because of it. I have to get the graduate degree for work, but there is no time limit on completion — although I’d like to knock it out sooner than later. However, that money could go to savings and house projects and vacations and and and…

    Internet strangers: if you were me, would you (1) slow down on the degree to spread the costs out over time (i.e. take a quarter off each year); (2) take out a loan for grad school and knock it out sooner (3 years instead of 4), (3) do something entirely different? What else would you do to ensure financial stability and good decision-making for your family? I’m no stranger to budgets, but this feels more “big picture” than some of our past financial decision-making.

    1. Personally I’d keep doing what you’re doing. I’d get your grad degree as expeditiously as possible, but funding it without debt makes a lot of sense. I wouldn’t slow it down. (I’m presuming this is a degree and field you’re excited about where there’s ROI from the advanced degree.)

      1. This. You are currently rocking it financially. Consider the grad school like day care – horribly expensive while you need it, but with a definite end date coming up. Once you’re done with the degree you’ll apparently have 15K or 20K back in your pocket every year, which should give you quite a bit of breathing room.

    2. It’s odd to me that the grad program is required for work but they’re paying so little of it. Can you push back on that?
      What is the interest rate on the student loans? I’m really not a fan of non-mortgage debt but I realize it may make sense to keep it if the interest rate is low.
      I’ll also say the thing the other thing that jumps out at me is paying for your mom’s housing. I realize everyone has different values about how much to support family but I would not be ok supporting an in-law or parent in this fashion unless we could do so without affecting our own family’s financial security and I’m not sure that’s the case for you. I think objectively you’re not doing badly, but if you feel like you can’t get your head above water, the parental support might be something to reassess.

      1. Student loan interest is 3.875%. I need this graduate degree if I want to advance in my field and/or continue to work at highly-ranked/excellent organizations (so, I could definitely do my job for years without it, but it’ll eventually catch up with me). I like your suggestion about asking work to pay more — I already touched on this with my boss and he seems open to it, so this is a good reminder to go back to that conversation.

        Re: my mom, this is a non-negotiable (due to a host of reasons…). It’s not my favorite thing, but at $500/month the mortgage is manageable and builds equity for us.

      2. That’s my question too. Many companies have tuition assistance, my big engineering company is paying for my degree in full, but I have to do it 1 class at a time so it will take 4 years. Even smaller companies in my industry offer more assistance than what OP is describing. I would definitely try to escalate that and see if they can pay for more, especially if you plan on staying at the company for a long time.

      3. I read “required for work” as “necessary if you want to keep moving up the chain” and not an actual requirement from her employer.

    3. I’m big on Financial Independence (tons of blogs out there).. You are doing good, you can tighten belt on some areas.j I don’t see your full budget so I recommend you take a look at every single variable expenses – eating out, clothing, gifts, travel etc and see what can be cut down. Can you go on a no spend week or month if that will help. I used to think I’m not a big spender but when I started downloading my data from bank to spreadsheet and stated analyzing, I found some money leaks (health food store, thrift store) which was surprising as I never thought I didn’t THAT much there). Made me mindful to start using what I already have in my pantry and closet … can you call every single utility to reduce what you are paying.. Can you outsource your home cleaning to kids and pay them instead of their allowance. These ideas are for reducing expenses.

      Now to bring in more, is there a on demand side hustle or a steady part time job you can take to add to your income. You can knock off you debt easily, increase cash flow and build emergency fund to 5 figures. Can u ask for a raise, get a better paying job, or for office to cover more expenses?

      Every $10 adds up – be it, Income or Expense. It matters.

      How much of a pay increase will your new education bring in? Is it a sure bet? If yes, I’d probably reduce a course or 2 for one semester to increase emergency savings.. and then jump back to same intensity as now.

    4. If I were you, I would focus on finishing the degree ASAP, assuming you like the field, want to stay in it, and that it will increase your salary.

      Without knowing how much the house is worth/what you have saved for retirement and college, it’s not possible to get a true picture of how you are doing. Based on what you have written, I think you are doing ok overall. I would make a few changes, but that is because I have different priorities then you seem to. If I were you, I would stop funding the college savings account for your kids. Instead, I would use that money for your grad school and then to pay off your undergrad student loans (unless these are at a tiny interest amount (like less than 2%)). I know that many people dream of paying for their kids college, but it is crazy to me that you would take out loans/not pay off your school loans in order to save for your kids college.

      I’m also not clear whether you max your 401k accounts, or just put in a little more than the employee match. If you are not maxing out at 19k, I would increase those contributions before saving for your kids college. You can borrow money for college, you can’t borrow money for retirement.

      1. Thanks for this input! Yes, we max out at over $19K across a variety of accounts — we save about 10% of our gross income for retirement. The $2K per kid college savings is actually a gift from a relative (annually) specifically for this purpose. Sorry, I wasn’t trying to take credit for saving for my kids’ college when the money comes from a relative — just pointing out for budgetary purposes that there’s some college savings happening.

        1. With that additional info, I think you need to start tracking your expenses and seeing where your money is going. Is your HHI $380,000 or $190,000? Either way, it doesn’t seem like you should be struggling. So, where is your money going? Are you spending a lot of money eating out? Buying new clothing? Traveling? a weekly house clearer? Without knowing where the money is going, it is hard to give advice on how to cut expenses or for you to weight the cost/benefit analysis. If you want to take more time with grad school so that you have more time for your family, that’s one thing. But I don’t understand taking longer to spread out the costs without a lot more analysis of where your money is going now.

        2. $19k each or together? I think you should endeavor to save $19k each, and ideally put some money in an IRA as well. I don’t think 10% of your income is sufficient for most people to have a comfortable retirement, particularly if you need memory care. I know 38 feels young, but it’s an age where you really need to be prioritizing retirement savings over other expenses like grad degrees. A grad degree is not going to pay for your care when you get Alzheimer’s.

          1. agree with this – are you both maxing out your individual 401ks to the tune of $19K? And what about an IRA after that? The “$19K across a variety of accounts” has me confused.
            Overall, it sounds like you’re in decent shape. For grad school, I think the bigger factors I would consider is would you rather work more and be done sooner or take longer and potentially do better (I assume?) I would consider money/loans as at best the third factor in there.

    5. How much of this is about feeling insecure, and not actually being insecure?

      I wouldn’t worry about the emergency fund. If an emergency emerges that drains it, you can take the “then some” you’re putting into retirement, and use it. Or cut back on school until you get back on your financial feet again. Or cut out all forms of savings for a month or two and use that to fund the emergency, then go back to saving as normal.

      I’d also take a look at those lifestyle experiences you’re into. Some of them could probably be cut back.

      I would not take out more school loans and add it to your existing debt and your two mortgages.

      1. Agreed completely. Look, vacations and experiences are great! But you can’t afford them right now because of grad school. That doesn’t mean your finances are out of whack.

      2. I think this is really good advice — feeling insecure vs. being insecure. Now, as you said, is probably not the time for big trips. We do one actual vacation a year as a family and a cheap (under $500 total) cabin for a week in the summer. Probably need to dial back the vacation (or not take it at all). I think it’s because we moved to this smaller house that I’m thinking we should be able to afford house projects and more experiences, but in reality we’re diverting that money to my graduate degree.

    7. I strongly suspect that “we value experiences” is taking up a lot more money than you think it is.

      1. Agree. I feel like you’re either house poor or you’re spending far too much money on experiences. You say you’re putting $19k in retirement and that’s ten percent so your income is around $190k, or around $170k after your retirement contribution. That’s got to be at least $120k after taxes, even in a high tax state – you’re paying $6k to your mom’s mortgage, probably no more than $5k (?) to your loans, $15-20k to tuition. Even after those expenses you probably have something like $7-8k/month to play with. Unless your mortgage is way too high, that should be plenty to pay your mortgage, your other expenses and even have some left over.

        1. Whatever’s left after the mortgage also has to cover food and clothing for a family of 5, after school care/camps for 3 kids, utilities and transportation. I wouldn’t call this money to “play with.”

    8. If you want big picture, load all your accounts into Personal Capital to get a sense of your net worth. I’d experimented with Mint, YNAB, and others, but for me PC was really a game changer because it gave me the 30,000 ft view, which I was then able to translate into ground level actions (agree with anon above that every $10, in or out, matters). Personally I would slow down grad school to distribute the cost more and get your family’s emergency fund up higher, particularly because of what’s going on with the yield curve right now. Then I’d tackle your student loans, unless – as someone said above – the interest rate is 2% or lower. Then I’d sit down and identify some longer term goals, prioritize them, and adjust accordingly. Want to finish your grad program quickly? No cleaners or vacations for two years. Want to take bigger, more frequent vacations? Drop down to one or two courses year with the grad program. No judgment on which way you go, because your priorities are your priorities, but it helps to know exactly what they are.

    9. Your big picture items seem fine, so you need to get into the weeds on where your discretionary spending is going. If it lines up with your values then stay the course. If you value big family vacations, but find you’re spending a lot of cash eating out, revisit that.

      It’s annoying to hear the song and dance on bringing your lunch to work and skipping the takeout coffee, but that quickly runs $15-$20/day. If both you and your husband are doing that, then you may have just found your vacation fund. Or…maybe you prioritize those daily splurges more and you shift to lower cost/less frequent vacations. Road trips, shoulder season, etc.

    10. Why are you sweating so hard to fund the kids’ college educations AND cash flow your graduate degree AND max out your 401(K)s while also paying for a second home in an arrangement that allows you to build equity? I understand that you can’t assume you can count on a particular amount of equity from your moms home if you sell it, but if you’re paying off the mortgage, in ~10 years you’ll be able to count on *some*

  7. I have multiple things going on at once for work, tasks to do, etc., some of which have a time deadline, others are just things I need to get done at some point during the day, so using the regular calendar program doesn’t make sense and task things seem to require setting times which may remind me of things out of the order I want to do them in. I’ve been using a Word doc “create a chart” and just filling things in, but that only works when I’m at my computer. I want something like that but that can communicate with my phone so I can add, view, etc. from either. I have an Android and a PC.

    What app/program works for this?

    1. I generally use google docs or google sheets for any lists that I want on all my devises. I don’t know if those would fill the particular need for you, but these programs automatically sync when they are updated.

    3. I’ve had the best luck going old school and carrying around a smallish moleskin notebook where I keep my running to-do lists. I’m far more organized this way than with any electronic app and I think I’ve tried them all.

    4. The best app for this I’ve found is Any.do – tap once, drop in your task, it goes straight to the default list, you can drag and drop in any order, separate into different to do lists, calendar the item, and cross it off. There is even a drop down from the task bar on Android to add a to do item quickly. It’s the simplest and most effective I’ve seen yet. You can even program it to have a “plan my day option” where it scrolls through your items in a pretty graphic and you choose “today, tomorrow, someday” and it reorders the list by that. It even has an option to pop up after a call to ask for any to do items related to it, or to call back.

      1. I LOVE any.do. I don’t use it as much as I used to, but it’s awesome and you don’t have to pay for the best features, which IMO are sync between devices and calendar integration (so if you have “meeting at 11, lunch at 12, meeting at 3” on your Google/Outlook calendar and you create a task called “review documents” and schedule it for 1, it’ll show up in order – I particularly loved this as I hate the “task” feature on Google calendar but I don’t like creating “events” for things that are clearly tasks). OK, planner nerd out.

  8. I tried asking this a few weeks ago but I dont think it ever posted…

    Does anyone have a problem with being severely static-y? I started at a new client a few weeks ago and all of a sudden was getting zapped by static electricity nearly every time I touched a doorknob or my laptop. Also, all of my clothes were sticking to me, etc. I thought it must have been something to do with the new office environment, but I’ve been back at my normal office for a week or two, but it seems to still be happening. Any idea why this would happen all of a sudden? Any suggestions?

    1. That happened in our home when our whole house humidifier went out – the buildup of static electricity was my first clue. Is the client’s office really dry?

      1. +1. It’s that the air in the office is really dry. Cooler air tends to be drier (it can’t hold as much moisture). Buildings with a forced air heating system that uses natural gas will also dry out the air.

        Best bet is to add a humidifier to your office.

    2. Dry winter air is really staticky to me. Maybe it’s just a combo of winter and dry air.

    3. It could be the weather; it could be the building; it could be your clothing or hair. Its probably some combination of all three. I’m so staticcy since moved to a dry climate, started working in a odern moffice with lots of metal and cloth instead of wood- and Ive always held static because I have long hair and wear textiles with long fibres.

      I deal with it by grounding the electricity on a doorframe before I touch a door handle or sink faucet. One of my coworkers claims wearing a metal key in a lanyard helped?

    4. This winter has been so cold and horrible, it’s been REALLY dry. My skin, my hair, my lips.

    5. When I worked in a lab in a cold Midwestern state, in the winter the air would get so dry that when I touched the lid of the microfuge, I would get a massive shock and set off the locking mechanism.

      Never really found a solution, although one lab mate suggested I attach chains to my ankles and drag them behind me, to ground the electricity. Using hand lotion helped a little – I’d rub it into my hands and then run my hands lightly over my hair to smooth down the staticky bits.

    6. stomp your feet before touching door knobs. shuffling your feed builds up lots of static, even if you don’t think you’re a shuffler.

  9. I just finished Uprooted by Naomi Novik and really loved it- it’s fantasy with female heroines. I read her other one, Spinning Silver, and loved it too, but the library doesn’t have her series. Any similar recs?

    1. I’d strongly recommend the winternight series by Katherine Arden, also very very strong (but realistic for the time period) female heroes. Bonus of lots of Russian fantasy/background, which was more unusual for me than the standard white european fantasy. NK Jemisin is also amazing and I’d recommend anything she writes, though the Broken Earth series is longer and much heavier thematically than the hundred thousand kingdom series.

    2. For a while this was the only genre I was reading. I remember I read Alexandra Bracken’s Brightly Woven and Leigh Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone (which I think is getting a TV show?).

      If you like folktale adaptations as well as fantasy, I liked Meagan Spooner’s Hunted, Robin McKinley’s Deerskin, and Katherine Arden’s the Bear and the Nightingale.

      Helen Wecker’s the Golem and the Jinni is probably another genre, but I really liked it.

      1. I love Leigh Bardugo, and can’t wait for the TV series. If you haven’t read it, Anonymous at 9:43, there’s a new series starting in the Grishaverse with King of Scars (lots of character overlap), and I think I like the Six of Crows series as much as – if not more – than Shadow & Bone.

      3. Bear and the Nightingale sounds exactly like what OP is looking for. I second the recommendation for Shadow and Bone by Leigh Barduco as well. I didn’t know it was being turned into a series.

        I also have Kat Ross’s Fourth Element trilogy on my kindle, but haven’t started reading it yet. I usually read urban fantasy by women starring women, but that’s another straight fantasy series. Also on my Kindle is Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone, which has been compared to Leigh Barduco.

    3. – The Old Kingdom series by Garth Nix (in particular, Sabriel, Lirael, and Abhorsen – loved these as a teenager)
      – the 500 Kingdoms series by Mercedes Lackey (although maybe just the first 2-3 books)
      – Throne of Glass series by Sarah J. Maas
      – A Court of Thorns and Roses also by Sarah J. Maas (I personally didn’t like the style of this series, but other people have liked it more than Throne of Glass)
      – Shadow and Bone series by Leigh Dardugo
      – The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer (more space opera/sci fi, but I love how many of the main characters are POC even though the stories are drawn from western fairytales)

      I just realized that these series are all YA, but honestly I think YA fantasy books are much more likely to have female heroines and be well-written.

    4. +1 on Katherine Arden, NK Jemisin, Robin McKinley, and Helen Wecker.

      Will add Laini Taylor’s Daughter of Smoke and Bone series; Rosamund Hodge’s Cruel Beauty (I haven’t read the others in the series yet); and Madeleine Miller’s Circe, if you feel like opening it up to Greek mythological canon.

    5. Robin Hobb’s Liveship traders and dragon series both have quite a lot of female characters.

    6. I think Robin McKinley is the most similar in feel to Uprooted (haven’t read Spinning Silver yet). I’d suggest The Hero and the Crown (and its sequel, The Blue Sword) or Beauty as starting points for her work.

    1. +1. It doesn’t look good on the model, which means that there is no way it’s going to look good on me

  11. Thanks to everyone who recommended the Elf waterproof mascara. It may be the best purchase I’ve made this year, and it was only $4! This stuff WORKS. I can also heartily endorse the Elf waterproof eyeliner. It is surprisingly hard to find a good liquid fine-tip waterproof liner.

    Both these products have lasted through my teary, windswept commutes. Highly recommend!

    1. what do you use as remover? i found it was almost too effective- had to rub too much to get it off???

      3. Clinique take the day off is my favorite remove for stubborn makeup, but honestly, almost any oily/greasy thing you could put on your face would likely do the trick (coconut, olive, even the plain vegetable oil in your pantry). Most waterproof makeup is oil based, and since like-destroys-like, an oil based cleanser is going to go a lot further than a water based one (which most normal cleansers are).

    2. glad to hear that! I also bought the yellow Maybelline waterproof mascara and that stuff is basically impossible to get off too!

    3. I’m giving the Elf mascara a try, too! Found it for $3 at the grocery store. I’m not as happy with the little brush, but I can deal with that. I have found it is a bit harder to get off. I thought I had it all off, but woke up this morning with little mascara balls under my eyes. I may need to up my eye makeup remover game, but I will say, I do love how the stuff looks and lasts, and it is not irritating my eyes, which was the issue with my previous mascara. Good call, whoever recommended!

    4. The Supermarket Vegan. And outside the parameters of your request in that the recipes are generally not super quick – any of the Moosewood cookbooks. Grab one or two used ones off amazon just to expand your vegetarian horizons. I’d recommend The Moosewood Cookbook, Moosewood Low Fat Favorites, Moosewood Cooks at Home, or Moosewood New Classics.

  12. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian, and would like to increase the variety of recipes I cook. Any recommendations for good vegetarian cookbooks or recipes sites? I prefer meals that take less than 30 minutes of prep time, ideally more like less than 15 minutes. Any other suggestions for going vegetarian?

    1. Minimalist Baker has really good simple vegan recipes. You can make them non-vegan by substituting eggs for the flax eggs or whatever other egg substitute she uses, and cow milk and cheese.
      Thug Kitchen is really fun vegan cookbook, interesting and tasty recipes.
      Hot for Food is a great youtube channel and blog, she put out a cookbook last year that I use a lot.

      Quick recipes I like:
      Brown rice or quinoa with tofu or tempeh sauteed in Trader Joe’s Soyaki sauce
      Gardein 7 grain chick’n tenders (all of their meat substitutes are great though) with veggies
      Meal prep for the week with a hearty vegan chili, more work upfront but no work the rest of the week

    2. I’m not vegetarian, but I eat plant based meals during the week.

      Some plant-centered meals:
      -Literally any stir-fry or curry. I generally saute ginger and garlic in a little bit of oil before tossing in a bag of frozen veggies. If I’m making a curry, I will add curry paste before veggies, and then coconut milk after the veggies are cooked most of the way through. For extra carbs (if you’re into that) cook some rice, quinoa, or rice noodles at the beginning of the week and then add to your stir-fry or curry.
      -Another easy general meal is sheet pan veggies, toasted naan, and homemade hummus.
      -Chickpea or black bean soups/stews have keep me full and content.

      Some veg friendly blogs to check out: cookie & kate, whats gaby cooking, half-baked harvest, and pinch of yum.
      Let me know if you have any questions!

      1. +1 for cookie and kate – I have several of her recipes in regular rotation.

        1. Looove Cooke and Kate. She’s one of my go-tos. Budget Bytes will also let you filter for veggie recipes; I use several of hers a lot too.

          I eat a lot of veggie-based soups in the fall/winter (courtesy of Cookie and Kate and Budget Bytes), then switch to grain bowls or salads in the spring/summer. It doesn’t have to be complicated: throw some sh*t on a sheet pan, put it on some couscous or rice, dump half a can of chickpeas on top, the end OR throw some greens in a bowl, slice some fresh veggies (or use the sh*t from the sheet pan), use other half can of chickpeas. Quiches or other takes on eggs are also quick, easy options that I haven’t seen recommended in the thread yet.

          I’m a good cook and I do mostly veggie food, but I can’t be bothered with fiddly stuff unless it’s a special occasion.

      2. Oh also as far as some kitchen tools go here’s what I’m always using:
        – mini food processor: I use this over the weekend to make a few batches of fresh hummus, spicy peanut sauce, and pesto. I find that making my own sauce/dressings helps to make sure I’m comfortable with the ingredients in my cooking. This also is important if you are cooking for folks with additional dietary restrictions (vegan, gluten free, etc).
        – sheet pan & “silpat” knock-off from target: This is my go-to combo for any oven roasted veggies or chickpeas. I find that the combo of sprinkling cornstarch and the silpat mat keeps everything extremely crisp.
        – instant pot: I use mine to batch cook dried chickpeas, beans, or any grains. I’ve also made large batches of soups and stews. Definitely not a requirement for eating vegetables, but I find mine immensely useful for lowering the amount of prep time.

    3. Oh also as far as some kitchen tools go here’s what I’m always using:
      – mini food processor: I use this over the weekend to make a few batches of fresh hummus, spicy peanut sauce, and pesto. I find that making my own sauce/dressings helps to make sure I’m comfortable with the ingredients in my cooking. This also is important if you are cooking for folks with additional dietary restrictions (vegan, gluten free, etc).
      – sheet pan & “silpat” knock-off from target: This is my go-to combo for any oven roasted veggies or chickpeas. I find that the combo of sprinkling cornstarch and the silpat mat keeps everything extremely crisp.
      – instant pot: I use mine to batch cook dried chickpeas, beans, or any grains. I’ve also made large batches of soups and stews. Definitely not a requirement for eating vegetables, but I find mine immensely useful for lowering the amount of prep time.

    4. I’m vegetarian and my boyfriend is a vegan. Here are some things we have eaten in the past few weeks:

      – Stir fry, as thehungryaccountant said above. We experiment with different sauces and usually add tofu or seitan for some plant-based protein. You could also add some thin ribbons of scrambled egg if you’re feeling it.
      – Tacos or burritos with sauteed peppers and onions, beans, guac, salsa, and rice. Lots of veggies.
      – Hummus bowl with home-made hummus, pickled veggies, chickpeas, roasted sweet potatoes, sometimes some pita. Often with crispy seitan.
      – Curried stews; eating curried lentil stew at work today.
      – We make something that we call a “sushi bowl” that is just a bunch of raw veggies (thinly sliced cucumber, carrot, avocado, bell peppers) + crispy tofu + wasabi and soy sauce over white sushi rice
      – Shawarma roasted cauliflower from the minimalist baker website

      1. We also do a lot of sushi bowls! I like to use a little dollop of sriracha mayo and a metric ton of pickled ginger in ours.

        1. yesssss so happy someone else does this as well! they’re all the good of sushi without having to worry about rolling anything on a weeknight!

    5. I *love* Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian. It’s like my cookbook Bible. I’m not a vegetarian, but we don’t eat that much meat at home. I love how flexible it is – most recipes have three or four suggested adjustments at the end (for example using slightly different flavors or a different vegetable).

    7. I eat plant based 90% of the time and really like:

      Blog “The Full Helping” by Gena Hamshaw, and her books, particularly Power Plates. Also, “From my Bowl” blog and youtube channel, by Caitlin Shoemaker (super easy, quick recipes, few ingredients, all delicious).

    8. I’m currently living on Red Lentil Salsa Soup from the cookbook “The Vegan 8;” it’s (although not as fast as the recipe says, unless you use split red lentils) and very good, minimal prep. WaPo featured the recipe recently, do a search. (I can’t link to it, I’ve used up my monthly free articles.)

      I live alone and don’t cook a ton, but here are some quick things:

      – Migas: scrambled eggs with corn, zucchini and/or other veggies, cheese and tortilla strips. (I make my own in a skillet to keep the fat down, but regular tortilla chips are good.) You can do this with tofu, too.

      – A one-dish meal of cannellini beans and veggies. Sautee some garlic and maybe large-dice onions, bell peppers and/or zucchini or whatever you have, then throw in a can of drained and rinsed beans. When the veggies are mostly cooked, add a bunch of baby spinach and some chopped fresh tomatoes if you have them, and cook until the spinach wilts. Drizzle with good olive oil; serve over rice or pasta or with good bread.

      – If you have Kroger’s or one of its affiliates near you, its house brand (Simple Truth) canned, spiced organic black beans are really good. Put them over rice with chopped tomato and avocado, or over a baked sweet potato or over some steamed, cubed butternut squash. (This is another of my current staples.)

      – Fried rice: Super-fast with quick-cooking or even frozen rice. Sautee garlic and ginger (jarred is fine), chopped onion and whatever veggies you have, plus tofu, veg chik’n, edamame or some other protein, then throw in the rice. Season with soy sauce, liquid aminos, chili sauce, curry paste/sauce, etc.

      1. Ooh, one more; I forgot it because it has been lentil soup weather, not salad weather.
        I love, unreasonably, Morningstar Farms Buffalo “Wings.” I crisp them up in the microwave (thaw, cut into smaller pieces and then cook 30 seconds at a time, stirring each time, for about two minutes) and put them on top of a big salad with blue cheese dressing.

    9. Vegan Planet by Robertson–one of my favorite cookbooks even though I’m an omnivore.

    10. Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone by Deborah Madison. Wide variety of recipes and they are so good! I cook primarily vegetarian and I use a mixture of cookbooks and blogs and NY Times recipe. I’m single and don’t love spending hours in the kitchen so I love grain bowls and I make big pots of (Rancho Gordo) beans in my instant pot or Dutch oven and then reheat them the rest of the week.

      NY Times has an amazing turmeric chickpea soup that is insanely delicious, healthy, and extremely easy. I also recently made their recipe for red lentils with sweet potatoes, which was also excellent and involved no prep after chopping the veggies. Smitten Kitchen pizza beans is a good recipe that everyone loves and can be made with any white beans. Rancho Gordo beans with mushroom carnitas is wonderful and uses meatier beans.

  13. Boden sizing advice? Thanks to the thread on long torso swimsuits / tankinis awhile back, I checked out their swim line and want to try a few pieces. I’m usually a S on top and M on bottom in JCrew swim — would that be a 6/8 for Boden? (I realize they do free exchanges but would rather avoid the hassle if possible…)

    1. IME, Boden runs slightly big. If you’re normally between a 6/8, I’d pick the 6.

    2. Boden has actual garment measurements on their website. So, you could compare the measurements of a swimsuit you have to the Boden measurements. I’d still order a couple of sizes, especially for a swimsuit, but that should get you close.

      I find that Boden runs a bit smaller than most American brands, especially through the hips and thighs. For dresses, I’m a 6 at BR, but if the dress is fitted, I’ll order an 8 for Boden.

      1. In general for American brands I’m usually a 2 and I just bought and kept a size 4 swimsuit from them. If it helps.

    3. Thanks ladies — I measured myself against their size chart once I got home, which confirmed Boden is highly likely to require sizing up. With free exchanges I decided to go with the size chart’s answer, which put me squarely in 8 (top) and 10 (bottom) rather than my typical JCrew 6/8. We’ll know in 4-6 business days whether it’s accurate!

  14. Did anyone read the article on Cup of Jo about dads texting? I thought it (and the comments) were so touching and that we could have fun recreating the thread here.

    My contributions: my dad signs every text “Love, Dad”, even if there are several in a row. He’s also taken to using dictation and correcting exactly zero of the errors.

    My MIL speaks some English and got her first cell phone a few years ago. She right away started making up her own abbreviations, so we’ll get a text that says (in English) “going to store. WR OK. LM” and we have to translate it to “we are ok, love Mom.” I’m so touched she writes in English so I can understand and so amused by her ability to adopt her own abbreviations.

    1. My mom replies “k” to everything (yesterday I texted “I love you”…her response: “k.”)

    2. That is so cute, your MIL making up abbreviations.

      My dad texts anybody about once in a blue moon, and that’s if Mom hands him the phone, which she rarely does. But once when I was studying abroad, she handed him the phone because she wanted somebody in the family to be talking to me while I was still awake, and it just happened that he was watching my favorite football team, and he started to give me the play by play. I had no heart to tell him I could see everything he was telling me on Twitter, and the idea of him furiously texting me the updates because he knew I cared about it was hilarious and heartwarming.

    3. My dad always texts me a “happy solstice” or “happy equinox.” He’s blue-collar, nominally Catholic but I think paganism appeals to him just a little.

    4. Slightly related but my mom will often quote super sexual or inappropriate pop songs in text and think they mean something 100% different than what they mean!
      Also, she cutely catches on to trends 5-10 years late. The other day she told me that “avocado toast is becoming a big thing”. Lol

    5. These are so cute. My mom will text me when she goes to the store to ask for help picking out little gifts for my kids. “Is the red pup on Paw Patrol still his favorite?” “Can I get them some Easter eggs to hide?” “Do they need more sidewalk chalk?” It’s adorable.

    6. My dad and I have had a “Love you more” argument going on since I was a toddler. He will randomly text me “MORE!!” and he created the acronym LUM.

    7. My 82 year old dad signs his emails and FB posts to me “T.O.F.” which stands for “the old fart.” Our last name starts with F but his first initial is not T so I’m sure it confuses a lot of people that see his FB posts on my wall. For example, I’ll post a pic of my dog. He will reply. Mum and I love our granddog. T.O.F.

    8. My 87 year old father downsized a couple of years ago after my mother’s death. He bought a modest house with extensive gardens, patios, walkways and such. I now get pics of what’s in bloom or nice foliage. It’s been a charming surprise to receive beautiful photos from a highly logical retired rocket scientist.

  15. Does anyone know of The Fold sizing runs small? They’re UK based so I can only order from US.

    1. They go like most European sizing so not very generous proportions, no room to wiggle if you get the wrong size. A UK 8 is normally a US 2 and then you go up. Pretty narrow on the shoulders so if you have larger shoulders, it might be an issue. The mid point is for regular sizing or even a larger torso. As a petite, I stay clear from plain dresses and go for styles that have a Fold as I can wiggle it better.

      1. I’m so sad because I have huge, broad, swimmer shoulders and I’ll never be able to fit in to any UK brands the The Fold or Reiss but I love their clothes so much!

    2. Just ordered two blouses and they were TTS. I typically wear a size 0 at Hugo Boss, and the size small / 6 fit perfectly.

    3. TTS for European sizing/designer brands (Theory, Boss, etc). I was pleasantly surprised that their sleeves are large enough to fit my arms as I find I have issues with that in some higher end brands (and even Brooks Brothers).

  16. Anyone who has a Yale Club membership in NYC? Would you recommend it for networking? I’m thinking about joining but did not feel comfortable at one of their member events when I visited. As a minority first generation grad, most of the people there seemed much older, judgmental, and unapproachable. So in that sense, I’m not sure if any of the networking benefits can actually apply to me. I’m not sure how much of it is in my head though. The other minority woman I saw there told me that it was important to learn to speak to these people even if it made me uncomfortable, and that I needed to think of it as a kind of learning process. I do think she has a point as well.

      1. This is where I land. Spending my hard-earned money to feel uncomfortable and out of place is not something I’m willing to do anymore. If there are consequences, so be it, I guess.

    2. I didn’t go to Yale, but I dropped out of an alumni networking club for similar reasons. I don’t think it’s good advice that you have to learn to speak with these people, in the context of networking. You have to be able to work professionally with them in a business context, which I’m sure you can. It’s a known fact that people want to mentor someone who reminds them of themselves. It’s unlikely these older, wealthy white men are going to be a great resource for a minority first generation college student. Spending lots of time and money on the Club in attempt to get in with these people seems like a waste to me. Better to find a networking group with people you’re more comfortable with.

    3. My fil (Jewish, mid 60s, mid size law firm partner, super nice guy). Is an alum and loooovveesss the Yale club nyc. We could stay there under his membership, but they have a dress code in common areas which I found annoying.

    4. I think that this is a don’t-hate-the-player-hate-the-game example. But you do have to play the game, right?

      I joined a similar type club in a different city. I feel like they excluded minorities and women and perhaps people of other faiths. And now that they don’t, I was going to walk through the door and see what it was all about and have the same theoretical access to people in positions above me that some mediocre white guy did with different parents than I have.

      And it was actually pretty good. I felt better about my odds in life as a smart striver. And I made friends with a couple of people who were in fact quite important and helpful when I was a newbie (and they were not so WASPY — one was an older Jewish member and the others were ones who were able to go to college solely via the GI bill so were very pay-it-forward elder statesmen, so to speak). I also found more women than I would have thought of (and some of them were rockstars).

      So, I think it is worth exploring more. I love my comfort zone, but if I never left it or expanded its boundaries over time, I might not have amounted to much solely on my own. It took help and I had to find my village to help continue to raise me as a working woman (in a field I had no family connections in).

    5. I’d maybe look into the Wing as well? It seems certainly younger and more diverse, and the benefits at the main club seem pretty nice, though no hotel rooms which I can see being a benefit.

    6. I lived at the Yale Club at one point about 10 years ago (long story). At the time, the membership and attendance seemed very much to be people in the 50+ age range, plus their kids who were using the facilities over holiday breaks. So depending on your age, it may be hard to find a natural way to break in. If you’re a Yale alum, are you otherwise involved in alumni association events in NYC? I’d probably start there in order to figure out if folks in the your peer group + 10 years age range are joining the club or not.

    7. Well, I’m white and the daughter of a Princeton alum, and I found the Yale Club of NY to be silly when I lived in NYC in the late 90s. Not sure what it’s like now, but I think its primary benefit is to serve as a relatively affordable place to stay in mid-town if you travel there frequently on your own dime. I couldn’t ever envision myself taking a business connection or friend to eat at the restaurant. I also don’t think of Yale Club members as necessarily being particularly good networking contacts — some are (of course) but the common denominator is that they’re pretty invested in where they went to school. That’s weird. (Says the woman who met her husband and closest friends at Yale and who tailgates at The Game…)

      If you’re interested in furthering your network and making things easier for future 1st gen minority students, I highly recommend trying to get involved as a class delegate to the alumni association or joining your reunion committee. These are ways to be perceived as an involved alum (so you have a voice with the administration) and to meet a variety of people.

  17. Has spring sprung?? (Not where I live, but I still am getting tired of my dark gray turtleneck and cable-knit tights.) What spring workwear are you excited to find/purchase/daydream about for another month or so?

    1. I’m thinking of buying two plain pencil skirts, white and a tan neutral… not exciting but the blogger Extra Petite has so many cheerful outfits with those two staples especially.

    2. I’m excited to get my lavender blazer back out of the depths of my closet and put that in my rotation.

      1. When I hear “lavender blazer” I think of the Golden Girls. I’d love one, but don’t want to be dated. Can you share a link? TIA!

        1. not the OP but I got one last year from Banana that I am also so excited to start wearing again

          1. I’m the 11:39 Anon OP. That’s the one! Mine is a classic fit. I’m guessing it is last year’s spring color in the hot pink blazer/suit that featured on here a few weeks ago.

            Looks like they currently have this one in the Long and Lean fit:
            https://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=416984002&cid=1090696&pcid=87056

            Although the picture says classic fit on the label on the blazer, so maybe it is the same one.

            And there are far worse things than being compared to a Golden Girl ;-)

    3. I loved my booties and tights all winter, but I am so ready for bare legs and flats, even if it does mean I have to shave more.

    4. Yes! It’s sprung! I’m wearing orange pants and a turquoise silk tee with floral scarf today!

      1. Every time you post your outfits, they are so inspiring! I just want you to know that you are my style idol :)

    5. I’m wearing olive linnen blazer and silk pants today, and feel so springy. The actual linnen coloured linnen will have to wait a month or two.

    6. I bought the same faux leather moto jacket that I’d been wearing all winter in black, but in light turquoise. I love it and wear it regularly – today with a light purple tank and purple suede shoeties.

    7. I have been moving winter things out of rotation and spring things in, and I am most excited, not about new things but about wearing something different! I wore an old spring weight pleated skirt, an old silk top, and a new swacket today and it felt great!

  18. For those in cold climates, please share your best April/May survival strategies?

    This year, for some reason, the dragging on of cold weather is really bringing me down. I feel so antsy and cooped up. “Coziness” was fun for all those months, but now I’m done. What do y’all do to keep your spirits up in anticipation of actual spring? I know that traveling to somewhere warm is a classic, but am interested in what can be done on the spot. Thanks.

    1. I bring the outdoors in with daffodils and start planning what I’m going to do in my (actual) garden. I also try to soak up as much sunshine as I can – sneaking out for a few minutes at lunch.

    2. How cold is it where you are? I live in the Midwest but it’s usually creeping into the 50s or even low 60s by early April and I get outside as much as possible. I hate March (which is “spring” but really winter here, it usually snows at least once) and always plan a warm weather vacation for March. But I actually really love April and especially May. It’s not summer yet, but it’s nice enough to get outside and there’s a lot more daylight in the evenings, so we can go for walks or bike rides after work.

      1. +1 -I’m in the Upper Midwest and highs are in the 50s. This *is* spring around here. I’m wearing ankle pants without socks now (even when its in the 30s in the morning). IMO the time for the warm weather vacation is Jan/Feb, when it’s actually cold at home.

      1. My busted wrist disagrees. Exercising outdoors when there’s snow and ice is hazardous. It’s the elliptical only for me until it thaws out.

        1. That’s why runners use crampons. It’s totally possible and common to run outdoors all year.

    4. I hear you! Here are a few things I’m doing:
      – I’m still wearing warm clothes most days, but I’ve switched to lighter/brighter colors when I can. Even if I have to wear a winter coat, having a light pink or coral scarf lifts my spirits.
      – I bought a citrusy smelling candle, which is a nice switch from the heavier, more foody scents I’m drawn to when it’s cold.
      – When I drink, I’m trying more “springy” beer/wine varieties.
      – Roasting spring veggies, like asparagus.
      – Browse Pinterest for lawn and garden inspiration photos. (I mean actual gardening, weirdos!)
      – I try to clean up my flower pots and other outdoor stuff so I’m ready to go when it warms up.
      – I switched my throw pillows to lighter fabrics and swapped out a few decor items.
      – I go on a walk every day, if for no other reason than to get fresh air.
      – I start planning my summer vacation.

    5. I live in the Midwest, and I’ve been trying to change my mindset. I walk my dog twice a day, pop in headphones, listen to podcasts and remind myself how great it is to not have to wear my down jacket, scarf, hat, gloves, to be warm. In the morning, I get excited about how the sun is coming up a little earlier each day, in the evening, how it’s still bright out at 6 pm!

    6. My biggest strategy is to get outdoors as much as possible. I love spring – warm enough that I don’t need to wear ten layers of things to go outside but not so hot that I need to use sunscreen everywhere. Light jacket and off I go. Invest in a great raincoat and boots so you can get outside but stay dry.

    7. I switch to my spring sweaters (merino or cashmere so they’re warm, but in springy colors) and start changing my decorations at home over to spring (different tablecloth, spring flowers). We planted bulbs in the fall, so I’m enjoying examining the dirt for any new green that pops up each day.

    8. It was 25 degrees this morning. Somebody please go find spring and remind it that it was supposed to be here and it’s late.

      I’m over cold and winter. I put my Easter decorations out and started switching over my closet. Every time I do that, it gets cold and snows again, but I just can’t bear wearing one more heavy sweater. I’ll layer up or throw a scarf over a lighter sweater if I have to, but I am not wearing the equivalent of an afghan in April. Nope.

      I noticed that my neighbor’s daffodils were blooming the other day. That made me feel pretty happy and hopeful. I gave up planting bulbs. The squirrels found them before they ever had a chance. It’s bad enough groundhogs eat my garden and the deer eat everything else. I’m not feeding the forking squirrels, too.

      1. We had a surprise ice/snow storm this weekend! Thankfully the week is warming up here (Midwest).
        I’m also really loving the green that’s creeping back in. I’m not spiritual or religious at all, so this is the closest thing to a miracle I get.

    9. How far do you need to drive to find the warmth? We used to drive to the city three hours south of us because it would be reliably 10-15 degrees warmer. A quick road trip helped break up the winter slog.

    10. I know how you feel. I’m in Canada and we’re currently experiencing false spring/third winter. I like seasonal scents so I changed all my candles, soaps, etc over to spring/summer ones. Ditto more seasonal decor.

  19. Thanks for your tips about cover letters yesterday y’all. I didn’t get a chance to respond in time then, but a couple people questioned how essential the cover letters were. What has been y’alls experience in general?

    – A lot of the online applications require something. No I’m not sure if anyone reads them, but if I have to submit something it should be good.
    – I am changing fields. I actually don’t think there’s too much to explain there, the stills translate pretty obviously, but that could be a reason to need a cover letter.
    – Sometimes places want you to email your resume to a hiring manager and still require a cover letter. I feel like the intro you write in your email is the cover letter, or it could be, but maybe I’m wrong.

    1. “A lot of the online applications require something. No I’m not sure if anyone reads them, but if I have to submit something it should be good.”

      If you submit something, it should be decent. Do not worry about making it shine.

      “– I am changing fields. I actually don’t think there’s too much to explain there, the stills translate pretty obviously, but that could be a reason to need a cover letter.”

      It’s the same cover letter every time. The time-consuming part is getting the actual boilerplate written. Have a friend in the new field draft it for you.

    2. For your last point – it usually doesn’t matter. You can write your cover letter in the body of the email and attach your resume, or you can write a brief email and attach both a resume and cover letter. I did the latter on my last job search, and my email would read “Hiring manager, Please find attached my resume and cover letter for the Llama Coordinator position. I look forward to learning more about the position/working at LlamaCorp/etc.”

      I think that cover letters can be especially useful when you’re switching fields. Your skills may translate really well, but sometimes you have to spell it out for the hiring manager.

    1. Love them! Wearing them now. I am 27″ waist and 37-38″ hip and wear a 6. I wear a 28 in Everlane Denim and a 6 in the J Crew Cameron Pant. I think the Work Pant works better if you have some hips. Also– I cannot wear these with something tucked in. There is not enough support in the front for me, but they do look really nice with untucked tops.

  21. The above poster got me thinking….We are objectively doing well. I’m acknowledging that up front. I used to be a teacher and DH used to make $25k/year, so we have some perspective. We’re, sort of by chance, in different fields now, and our landscape is dramatically different. We never dreamed of doing as well as we are. We are both 34 y/o in a very HCOL area. No debt but one $10k car loan with a <2% rate that we're paying off in 3 years or less and then our mortgage. We pay $2k/month in child care expenses. We save for our 11 month old about $150-200/month and contribute just inside of the limit for our 401k (should be maxing out – I've just been lazy). My income is very lumpy given the nature of my work, so I can't say we save $X/month because I might save zero for 5 months and then save $25k in month 6.

    We have about $150k in retirement accounts and $150k in cash. It feels so insignificant relative to our HHI of $250k-300k. We've only been in these jobs for a short time (3-4 years earning at this level) but I feel like we should have more / save more / invest more… I'm just nervous to invest myself and insecure about where we are relative to "how we should be doing/saving". Is this what a financial planner is for? Someone to both tell me to chill out and to guide us? I grew up solidly middle class with one earner in the house, and money was ALWAYS something my parents fought over. I'm definitely bringing some of that anxiety with me into adulthood. DH's dad filed BK multiple times, so he has similar concerns based on childhood experiences. I'm afraid no amount is going to ever make me feel secure, and I know that's not a healthy way to live.

    Thoughts about who, in real life, can help me feel a little better about our financial path and future? Is this an independent financial planner? A wealth manager (many are targeting "affluent millennials" these days.. not sure if we qualify but possibly)? A therapist for this anxiety – no anxiety in any other aspect of life, fwiw?

    1. Talking to a fee-based financial planner might help. I know you didn’t really ask for financial advice, but I’ll say that one thing that makes me feel secure is throwing extra money at retirement, because that money is ours and is never going to be used for anything but our future. It’s “untouchable” in a way that cash just sitting there in the bank is not. Some high-income people are comfortable only saving $19k/year in dedicated retirement accounts, but to me that feels really low. At your income, I’d want to be saving $19k in 401(k) + $6k in an IRA each, for a total of $50k/year. It sounds like you’re saving roughly that much, but maybe more in cash and less in retirement, and putting it in untouchable retirement accounts might give you some peace of mind.

    2. Do you know where your money is going? Of course I’m going to suggest a spreadsheet (typical accountant), but would it help to have a clear picture with categories? Starting with your gross income, and break out all your large categories of expenses. I have a spending spreadsheet where I track all our purchases by hand. It works way better for me than an app.

      If you’re living in a VHCOL, housing is probably a large percentage of your take home pay. When you think about how you’re spending $25k a year on daycare and $50k a year on housing, not to mention taxes, which are typically high in VHCOL areas, it sounds like you’re doing really well with saving.

      1. Not trying to criticize the OP, but I disagree with you that someone who earns $250-300k is doing “really well with saving” just because they come close to maxing retirement. Assuming expenses of $25k on daycare and $50k on housing (which I agree are reasonable/typical numbers for HCOL area, given those incomes) and have a $10k car loan, that’s still probably close to $100k leftover after taxes and those expenses. Mortgage and childcare are what most people spend huge chunks of money on. If you have $100k or more leftover over paying for those big things (or even $50k, honestly), you should be able to save a very sizable chunk of it. I’m not saying don’t take a nice vacation or whatever – certainly at that level of disposable income you have plenty of money to enjoy a nice lifestyle – but it’s hard to me to imagine spending anywhere near $100k annually on things that aren’t housing/childcare (or other major debt obligations, like student loans, which OP doesn’t have).

        1. OP gave her current stats, not past ones. Seeing as her and her husband have only been earning at this level 3-4 yrs and previously made paltry amounts, they could have easily been paying down debt aggressively – having 150k cash after only a few yrs of high income while still maxing out retirement is objectively pretty great – especially given OPs thready payment style (so couple could easily go into debt for a few months in the tune of thousands, lumping on a lot of interest, only to pay it off when she gets paid). In addition she mentions a parent with poor spending habits so they may be partially supporting them. All this to say your expectations are high and knowledge is low, so don’t go judging OP on having only saved 300k in 3 to 4 yrs – that is fantastic. OP, keep it up, and anything you can do so save more or spend less is icing on the cake!

    3. Where is your NW at: cash + 401k puts you at 300k but you’d add in equity in your home and subtract out the mortgage; is it positive? But even disregarding property (which some ppl do disregard for NW purposes because you can’t cash out your home in a second and need to live somewhere) — NW of 300k for 2 people at age 34 with a 250-300k income for FOUR years? It’s fine but could be better. You need to put that 150k of cash to work; if it’s sitting in savings it’s earning like what 0.25% or maybe 1-2% if you went into a high yield savings account. The market is up 13% YTD and the S&P overall is up 30% since March 31, 2016 — 3 years ago when your high income started. What’s preventing you from putting some of your savings into the S&P every month? If monthly is hard due to income variability, you could do it quarterly. That’s how you’ll see some NW growth over time. I wouldn’t pay an advisor for this. You don’t sound like you get it — that’s ripe for an advisor to put you into some fund with a 3% expense ratio.

  22. Talk to me about Napa. Hotels (preferably in the Marriott/Starwood family), best wineries to tour, restaurants, other things to do. Planning a girls trip – likely 2 full days and 1/2 day – in November. Too cold for an outdoor pool/hottub?

    What’s the train situation? Am I going to be bombed all day? Do I need to rent a car? Do I need to hire a driver? Do wineries have food or do we need to pack snacks?

    Also, best way to get there from SFO. Totally comfortable renting a car and driving, but not sure if there is an equally convenient, less expensive option.

    1. I think there is a Marriott in Napa (the city, not the valley) but haven’t stayed there. I like to stay at the Fairfield Inn & Suites in American Canyon – it’s not fancy, but it’s clean and comfortable and affordable. It’s a bit out of the way though, you’ll have to drive to restaurants, wineries and activities (but the valley is pretty spread out in general, so some driving is pretty much unavoidable).

      Wineries usually offer light snacks (sometimes free, but more often for a small fee). At some places you can upgrade to more substantive snacks that are more like a meal, but I don’t recommend doing that with so many outstanding restaurants in the area.

      For restaurants my favorites in the area are Bottega, Bouchon (Bistro plus bakery), Bistro Jeanty, Gott’s Roadside, Farmstead at Long Meadow Ranch, the Boon Fly Cafe and Ad Hoc if you can catch fried chicken night (otherwise I tend to think it’s overrated). The French Laundry is of course an incredible experience if you’re foodies and can get a reservation.

      If you’re looking for activities besides eating and drinking, I highly recommend hot air ballooning. Renting bikes and riding around is fun too. Horseback riding is also popular.

      1. Adding that you’ll probably want to hire a driver if you’re doing a full day of wine tasting. If you’re just hitting one winery, and then you can walk around town or eat lunch while you sober up, you may be fine to drive yourself. It just depends on how much you want to indulge.

    2. I love the blog Sarah’s Real Life and she just went to Napa and is posting recommendations. It might give you some inspiration.

    3. I would outsource the driving when you’re there and the tours. We’ve used platypus tours twice there which is great because they find off the beaten path (ie smaller less crowded) wineries, provide transportation and food.

    4. It will likely be too cold in November to enjoy an outdoor pool (an outdoor hot tub is good year round though!).

      +1 to getting a driver (at least one of the days). I’ve also used Platypus many times with great experiences. You get tipsy-er than you probably expect unless you make a big effort not to.

      Your driver can also usually pick up sandwiches for you while you’re tasting (there’s a few gourmet sandwich places around) that you can then eat at some of the wineries with a purchased bottle or two if you want. Be sure to ask the winery if this is cool with them ahead of time (if they sell food it probably wouldn’t be, but I don’t find that super common).

      I find 3 (maybe 4..) wineries will be a full day just for reference. It’s hard to go wrong with the winery selection, most are beautiful and are serving their best. Most wineries close around 4-5 so plan accordingly, and some of the really small ones will need a heads up/reservation ahead of time.

      Have fun!

  23. I commented a few days ago about a boyfriend who is in a cult-ish Christian church. Someone said he has feelings of guilt and obligation driving him to let the church monopolize his time. We talked, and it was a good conversation using that framing. He admitted he is giving about 12% of his gross salary to the church (!!), which is constantly asking him for really concrete amounts like “the pastor needs $200 from you today”. He resents this but feels obligated to do it because the pastor claims God talks to her.

    He communicated he fantasizes about someone faking his death or moving away to get away from the church. Those outlandish scenarios seem easier than telling the pastor he wants to leave. He said if he just stops showing up, she will come to his house. He said a previous congregant left the church, the pastor went to her house, and when she didn’t answer the door, the pastor called the police for a wellness check. I asked….so? Its obviously uncomfortable for cops to show up, but apparently the police ascertained the former congregant was fine, left, and the pastor left too. It would be awkward for him in the moment, but he wouldn’t be guilt tripped into giving thousands over to this church anymore!

    There are several reg flags here. I’m glad he told me. I really care about him and can see a long term future, but I don’t feel comfortable taking it to the next step if he is a part of this church that he wants to leave. He is basically sucked in and operating on massive guilt. He agreed to go to therapy (first appointment is this week!), and I hope that provides some help for him as an individual and for our relationship. Any other suggestions? This has been eye opening. When I think of cults, I typically think of fringe sects, but it makes sense there are Christian “cults” that take advantage of and control congregants.

    1. The key here is that the dread is far worse than the breakup (assuming, which may be incorrect, that they are not super crazy and will not continue to stalk him). Like the former congregant’s experience: It may have been horribly awkward in the moment, but they got through it and are now free.

      Randomly, I learned this lesson years ago when I was agonizing over breaking up with my hair stylist. I finally realized that the choice was between one difficult conversation and a lifetime of bad haircuts. When I framed it like that, the choice was easy. And it turned out the conversation wasn’t even as difficult as I’d feared.

      Anyway, you didn’t ask for any advice but I’m telling you that I think you and he are on the right track anyway. Hugs!

      1. I’m not clear as to why you think this is like finding a new hairdresser, unless your hairdresser routinely exorted money out of you and and is known for stalking former clients.

          1. I live near my old hairdresser’s salon. I see them from time to time… the breakup isn’t as awkward, but the aftermath can be.

      2. HAHA it was complicated at the time, actually. But I can see how it doesn’t seem as relevant to y’all as it does to me.

      3. OP here: your analogy actually makes sense to me, especially the dread being worse than the actual situation.

        1. Thanks for being kind and taking it in the spirit in which it was intended!

          1. As someone who has “broken up” with a hair stylist who was also an acquaintance and former friend (and who my sister still goes to), and with whom I am still connected on social media, I appreciate that it can be more complicated than just not making another appointment.

    2. There are absolutely Christian cults, sending hugs to you and your beau. Thanks for the update.

    3. If he is worried about the pastor siccing the police on him, he can proactively talk to the police about this issue.

      Depending on what denomination this is, there may be a body that oversees this church.

      You do you, but consider that marrying a man who can be guilted into giving up money beyond his budget… may come with its own problems.

      1. Believe me, I considered it and will if he keep up the daily church attendance and donations to an entity that makes him miserable and monopolizes his time. I agree I can’t do it for him. He seems to recognize its a problem, though.

        1. The pastor sounds quite problematic. If there is another church of this denomination nearby, he should switch churches. It’s not just about daily attendance, any attendance with a pastor like that will lead to continuing issues. I’m less clear from your post if the issue is with the particular pastor or the church in general. If it is a mainstream church, there would likely be a hierarchical body (e.g. bishop) that he could (and should) report any misbehavior to.

          1. Its a nondenominational church that is affiliated with some others in a conference. I’m unclear on the hierarchy. I myself am Christian and used to be an active member of a church when I resided in another state. For me, that meant Sunday service and choir rehearsal for an hour or two on Saturday morning…not helping every.single.day. and donating a lot of money on demand.

      2. I … actually think I agree, even though it’s harsh. Leaving a cult is serious (and seriously hard), and he probably has a lot to unpack before he can be a good partner to you. If breaking up is too much, I would at least back way off on the relationship for several months, if not longer.

        I also would be very worried about tying myself to a partner who is susceptible to falling into this type of organization. Religion is one thing, but what you’re describing is so far from normal.

        1. In my experience, there are often some really excellent flipsides to the coin of being vulnerable to exploitation by religious leaders. They often take advantage of people’s virtues, not their vices.

  24. Typically good at planning vacations but less experienced with the beach. I’m looking for ~1 week options in Europe (but would consider a reasonable flight, like to Tel Aviv) for August. Trying to avoid very expensive options but this is my only month to do it. Have considered Split, Croatia and neighboring islands; Zakynthos, Greece; Majorca; Algarve, Portugal. Anyone with strong recommendations? Looking for not too crowded beaches, option to drive around would be nice, spa-like accommodations a plus.

    1. I went to Crete last summer and it was divine. My best beach day ever in my life was at Plakias but there are multiple beautiful beaches. And the food is fantastic.

    2. I’ve got a strong recommendation for quiet and lower cost beach vacation: Southern Spain. Fly into Malaga, take a short bus or cab ride to your beach town of choice.

      I spent a month in La Herradura with family friends. I did not drive or stay in a hotel, but there are plenty of places where you could stay in the region. Beautiful and warm beaches, cheap and delicious seafood paella, and more wine than anyone needs. Highly recommend a trip to Spain!

    3. I love Greece and we had a terrific honeymoon there in August a few years ago, but it’s definitely expensive and crowded at that time of year. If you want to avoid crowds, it’s probably to go somewhere more off the beaten bath. From friends, I feel like Croatia and Portugal are also super trendy right now.

  25. Hi, I’m looking for a pair of black ankle length work pants. I remember a few posters talking about BR’s pants (I think the Avery style? Sloan?) – is that the go-to suggestion? I’m 5’4″ and athletic build. If you have these BR pants, have you run into the shrinkage issue that’s mentioned a few times in the BR review? TIA!

    1. I have a million pair of Sloans and I love them. So one vote for them. Haven’t had shrinkage problems but I dry-clean them (and not very often).

    3. My experience has been that if you wash the Sloans, they shrink; if you only dry clean them, they don’t. I have them in multiple colors and love them.

      1. I have about five-six pairs I regularly wash (and dry!). I have had one pair shrink. I wear them almost every day so they are being washed often.

  27. Interviewing for an analyst/associate role at the Venture Capital arm of a large corporation tomorrow. Location is Midwest. What to wear?

    I think a full suit with white shell/blouse is probably too formal, but are business casual work pants and blazer too casual?

    Options:
    – navy suit pants, a bright top like coral or pink shell, suit jacket (optional)?
    – navy suit pants, white blouse with small navy polka dots, matching suit jacket or a coral blazer?
    – business casual work pants like these with a white blouse and a black or colored blazer? https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=403702052&cid=1089281&pcid=1011761

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