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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love the classic lines of this dress, as well as all four colors it's offered in. I'm kind of meh on the belt it comes with — I'd probably swap out my own skinny belt, or ignore the belt loops entirely and add a wide belt (ooh, like the WHBM one from last week). This dress is $159 at Dillard's. Antonio Melani ‘Playing Favorites' Quince Belted Dress
Two plus-size options are here and here.
Psst: Dillard's is in the midst of one of its crazy sales — check out great markdowns such as this linen blazer, this beige and black dress (sooo flattering), and this gray blazer and dress.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-7)
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Interior designer?
I’m a total home newbie, so excuse the possibly stupid question: Can I hire an interior designer to just do a “consultation” and tell me how to lay out furniture and maybe what styles to look for? Without actually buying any pieces?
I have a new home and am having trouble figuring out how to do the living room. I don’t currently have the cash to buy a whole new living room, but would like to acquire things piece by piece. I’d just like some guidance on what pieces I should be looking for.
Anonymous
Yes, of course. Find a designer who will provide a consultation for a fee. He/she will discuss how you want to use the room and then make recommendations about what pieces would work together.
Anonymous
Absolutely. There are lots of people who do this. For cheaper than that Room in a Box service look for local designers.
Anonymous
Do you have a sense for your own style? I’d be tempted to start there; otherwise, you may not get the value you want from the designer. You can check out Houzz and Pinterest for ideas.
Interior designers?
I do have a sense of my own style, but would like some help translating it. I’m also planning to get some potentially very price-y pieces of furniture (I expect the total to be 20K+), and just want to make sure I’m putting them into a design that works instead of buying expensive things that don’t go together (like maybe I get a sofa that’s actually too big for the space).
Thanks for the recs, everyone! I’ll probably call around a couple of the designers listed on Houzz whose portfolios I like and see how much they cost for a consult.
MJ
If you are going to get pricy furniture, paying for a designer might pay for itself, as they get non-listed, industry prices on furniture which are wholesale or cheaper. So I would certainly factor that into your decision on whether to get one or not.
My favorite pricy furniture place is Arhaus. They have some lovely stuff.
Senior Attorney
OMG I just got an Arhaus catalog in the mail and I want All The Things! So beautiful!!
KT
Check out Room in a Box. You send them the dimensions, what pieces you want to keep, etc, and they will send you a room design, color swatches, and furniture suggestions you can purchase (or simply use them as inspiration). It’s a great way to get an interior design roadmap you can build on your own piece by piece
KT
Whoops! Supposed to be a reply to the Interior Design question
Wildkitten
Wow that is pricey.
KT
If you buy the pieces they recommend, yes, very pricey. But we got their recommendations for about $1000 and then shopped on our own, and we kept it very budget conscious (lots of thrift store gems!)
Wildkitten
It sounds like it’s exactly in the OPs range, so an excellent suggestion. I am very much in furniture Bucket 1 (mostly Ikea) so the idea of spending $1250 and not even getting furniture threw me for a loop!
KT
I hear you! It took forever to save, then months shopping Goodwill and thrifts hips–but it was worth it when we got a gorgeous oak buffet table for $30.
SSJD
This dress is attractive. Strangely, the 4th color (merlot) appears to be a completely different dress with different seams, no belt, no belt loops, contrast sleeves. Very strange to see it shown as if there are 4 colors.
Sydney Bristow
I really love this dress, especially in the purple.
Anonymous
Did anyone get umbrella insurance for their wedding? Can you tell me who you used? It would be for a weekend of activities. The wedding is in the states, but we currently don’t live there, if that factors into it at all.
sally
Maybe showing my youth here but why in the world would you even need this?
Anonymous
We were encouraged in case something happens during the weekend. For example. maybe a a guest hurts themselves at the city park during our goodbye brunch and tries to sue us.
Anon
I am a super paranoid lawyer who has seen it all and I would not waste my money on this. The park has insurance, your venue has insurance, but you’re talking about maybe a half-day long event. Just don’t invite people who are going to sue you – actually don’t be friends with people who will sue you.
CJ
Because terrible things like this happen when you spend a lot of money on a very important event in your life:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/16/nyregion/arrest-is-no-help-for-ruined-wedding-plans.html
Runner 5
Wedding insurance can also save the day if a family member passes away the week before the planned date and no-one feels like celebrating, or if the groom is in hospital with a broken leg, or something.
Clementine
Yes! This too! As I said below, I got it because our (city-owned but very historic) venue required it, but I was happy with the peace of mind it offered.
Anecdotally, if anyone was ever wondering ‘wait, does that really happen?’: My sister’s in-laws had the big, traditional wedding totally planned and the groom’s mother passed away rather suddenly like the night before the wedding. This was pre-internet and it was hard to get the word out quickly, plus half the guests were already in town for the occasion.
One family member (not bride or groom) took it upon themselves to cancel about half the wedding arrangements; however, the groom’s (now widowed) father insisted they still have the event. Unfortunately, one of the things cancelled were the tux rentals. And that, friends, is why all their formal group bridal pictures include one groomsman wearing 70’s/80’s style track shorts.
Clementine
Yes. We had to get a policy as per our venue contract.
We didn’t have to use it for anything, but a couple years ago we paid about $250-350 for a $1M Umbrella Policy. We used WedSafe. It was recommended by our caterer and our venue as the major option most people choose.
Sydney Bristow
We didn’t get it. Our venue was my parents’ house though, so our risks on that were low. I’m not entirely sure what the purpose is. We managed to pick vendors that we really trusted either because we had used them before (bakery I loved and went to frequently when I lived there, restaurant where my sister used to work, etc) or really investigated their reviews and met them in person to get a good feel for how reliable they were.
WedSafe is the only one I’ve heard of.
KinCA
We had to get a wedding insurance policy as part of our contract with our venue. I think we paid roughly $400 for it through WedSafe (if I recall correctly, part of the price depends on the cost of your overall event and how much coverage you need). It was pretty easy to purchase and I was honestly glad to have it, given how much we were spending on on one weekend.
TXLawyer
Antonio Melani is the best answer to the problem of work clothes with sleeves. I’m currently sized out of their attire (since I believe their biggest size is 14), but that’s been a big motivator in getting healthy again. So many of the dresses have short sleeves or elbow length sleeves and most are fairly structured. It seems like Dillard’s has more selection than their website a lot of the time and you can usually find stuff on sale about 4-6 months after it’s released as new. #FanGirl
Pretty Primadonna
Piggybacking off of this, Dillard’s is having an AMAZING sale with lots of Antonio Melani pieces. But, beware, the items are final sale.
anonymous
Does anyone do political risk consulting? I’ve been a government analyst working on foreign militaries/national security issues for the past two years, and I have a PhD in political science focusing on those areas. It’s time for me to think about moving on from government, but I don’t really know where to start. I’m moving because of the lack of opportunities & upward mobility, but I really love everything else about my job. So I guess I’m looking for ideas of what I could pursue and how to prepare myself. Political risk consulting is what immediately comes to mind, but I’m open to other suggestions.
Wildkitten
I have no suggestions but political risk consulting sounds awesome.
Anon
I do political analysis consulting. Obviously I know it’s not the same thing but candidates are often looking for outside expertise especially when they have party affiliations. They want someone with their best interest, not necessarily the party’s so they hire consultants looking for the harsh truth.
anonymous OP
Can you explain a bit more about what you do and what experience/qualifications someone would need?
Anon
Well I’m a BSocSc and typically focus on research design and qualitative/quantitative data. Most politicians use a BSc or MSc for their research (no idea why, a mathematician should NOT design a survey). So I basically explain how social constructs work and then do the math to back up why I believe certain issues and demographics are key. Most politicans get demo and issue help from their parties but its usually tragically bad and biased
moss
I work in data analysis and TOTALLY AGREE mathematicians should not be left alone to design surveys! Doing this on the political side sounds really interesting.
Runner 5
Just diving in to point out that the degree abbreviation bears (in some places) almost no relation to the content. I will have a BSc in politics, while my best friend is in the process of getting an MA in Maths.
Signed, the bizarre British education system.
Anonymous
What about a think tank as a researcher on those issues?
anonymous OP
I interned at a couple of think tanks in college, and I think that and academic work is definitely out for me.
Two Cents
I have always eyed Antonio Melani dresses online (sleeves! gorgeous colors!) but there is no Dillards near me so I have never seen the dresses in person. Can someone comment on the LENGTH of the dresses, on average? I need a 40 inch from shoulder to hem, and Dillards doesn’t provide measurements online. Do the dresses provide enough hem at the bottom to let out, if needed?
Anon
Nope. I also need a 40-41 inch length, and I’m guessing these are around a 36 (maybe 38 at best) and not enough hem to let out.
Two Cents
Good to know! Although it’s too bad about the length. This is why I do almost all of my shopping online at Nordstrom and Boden (since they always provide measurements, which saves me so much time).
anon2
In the past, I’ve called a lot of stores’ customer service departments and asked dimensions, length, color matching. etc. Lands End, Talbots, Norstroms – all were very helpful and most of the time had the subject item there to look at/measure. I would just call Dillards and ask.
Anon
I have had great luck with Antonio Melani dresses being long enough for me at 5’10”. It’s not true of all of them (which makes it even more frustrating that they don’t list these things on the website!) but I would say at least 2/3 of the ones I have tried on have been sufficiently long, knee length even.
Stitch Fix Question
Have any of you tried Stitch Fix? Its a service where you get 5 items from a stylist every month (or more or less frequent depending on your preferences) after filling out a survey on your style, budget, preferences, etc. It seems like a cute idea and you get 25% off if you buy all of the five items. It costs $20 per “Stitch Fix” and it seems pretty reasonable. Anyone have experience using this or know someone who has??
Anonymous
I just ordered my first box from them. I hadn’t planned on using it because some of the commenters here said the clothes trended young/cheapsy, but I received a coupon code that got rid of the styling fee. Figured I’d give it a go. My shipment will be delivered this week; I’ll report back!
TXLawyer
I’ve received four “fixes” from Stitch Fix and I’m about to cancel my subscription. I love the idea of curated clothing being sent monthly, but Stitch Fix has not delivered on the idea, in my experience. The quality of the clothing is really cheap, and the prices are fairly expensive. That would be my biggest gripe. Just that everything looks and feels cheap, but it’s more than I would pay if I were shopping for myself for a similar item.
Despite having a Pinterest board for them, giving them feedback, and setting limits on budgets, preference, style, etc, I’m not getting items that I love and I often end up keeping one item just because I don’t want to lose the $20 fix fee. I think their inventory is very weekend and business casual. I have yet to get anything I feel comfortable wearing to a business conservative office environment.
I’m open to alternatives though, if anyone has does a subscription shopping service and loves it!
Diana Barry
+1. I only did it once because the quality was so poor. I have heard from people who are more casual in their everyday lives (business casual or below) that it is a fun way to fill out your wardrobe and get stuff you wouldn’t normally get. They also sent me two things that I *specifically* asked not to get.
I also tried a bento box from MM LaFleur, which didn’t work either. All the dresses were too short for me and they sent accessories that I didn’t like.
I think the people who like Stitch Fix etc. the most are those who don’t like shopping, in addition to matching the casual level of the clothes. I do like shopping so I would much rather just pick my own stuff!
APP123
Same. I tried it once and found that the clothes didn’t really fit well (almost all too short) and were too casual/trendy for me to wear to work. My friends who like SF are all more petite and also SAHMs – they’ve got great casual, running around town and to kids’ practices type looks, but nothing that would be even remotely appropriate for my office (which, sigh, is where I spend the majority of time and therefore, the majority of my clothing budget).
ace
I’m 3 fixes in, and would agree with this. My fixes have been A, B- and B so far. However, I don’t do much shopping for myself — and when I do it’s mostly online, so I tend to be drawn to the same style/types of items. I like SF because it gets me to try on items I might normally skip over but appreciate on someone else.
The service allows you to set your price point, and it seems like the price point I set ends up with items in the $40-80 level, which is probably a little more than I would pay if I found the same items in a store. I work in a biz casual office, and while I can use some of the items for work, they are mostly nice dinner/going out with friends/weekend outfits. I’d give my experience a B+ overall.
profmama
I cancelled after three shipments. Agree that the prices are more than I’d be willing to pay in a store/ online, and the quality was less than I’d seek out elsewhere. The convenience was nice – but so it ordering a big pile of stuff from Nordstrom (esp. during the recent sale) and then returning what doesn’t work. My office is biz casual, and I needed more weekend clothes, but many of the clothes were too young/ trendy/ flimsy to work even in those conditions.
After I read a news story about someone who received a SF box containing a pair of shorts with the Marshall’s/ TJ Maxx price tag still attached – for which the customer was charged “retail price” not the discount price of the discount store, I decided it was a bit of a racket to get rid of slow moving merchandise.
LondonLeisureYear
Personally the quality of what my friends have gotten from it feels really cheap for what it costs. I am trying to be more purposeful about my purchases and lean towards a capsule wardrobe so this seems like the “fast fashion” that I am trying to avoid. Basically its trendy, cheaply made, and that won’t stand the test of time. Some of my friends really like it but I haven’t really been impressed by the fit of the clothes they choose to keep.
Meg March
I used StitchFix for a little while (5 fixes?). I liked the convenience, but agree with TXLawyer that the quality was not there for the price. I also got very frustrated with the clothes being sent- it didn’t seem like they were looking at my preferences at all, and I gave lots of feedback, was specific about what I wanted, and had a very active pinterest board for them. For example, in the box that was my last straw, I requested bright colors and patterns in tops, no jeans, and a casual jacket for spring. I did receive a casual jacket, but it looked like something my mom wore in the 90s, and I also got jeans and black, grey and navy tops. The boxes seemed to swing wildly though– one box I ended up keeping everything, but had other boxes where I kept something simply because I’d already paid $20.
Maddie Ross
I had exactly the same experience and have since cancelled. The first box I got I kept everything. This was over a year ago though, and honestly I think the quality has gone done a lot since. My first box everything was a known brand except one “house brand.” The last box I got I kept a shirt, but only because I’d already paid $20. Everything in that box was a “house brand” and the shirts seemed to fit oddly (like really tight on my arm pits). I had been really high on it, but I think it’s not as good any more. Maybe it got too big?
ITDS
This sounds like an ad for Stitch Fix.
Anon
I thought the same thing.
Anonymous
if it was, it seems to have backfired …..
moss
indeed!
profmama
Ha!
anon2
Yes, that was my first thought in reading it.
Stitch Fix Question
Hahhaa I can see how it could appear that way but ts not! I swear, I just heard about it yesterday and wanted peoples opinion before I spent money on it but from reading everyone’s comments, I wont be spending a dime on this – also I just saw a blog with pictures of the clothes they send and they do indeed look pretty cheap-looking, trendy, and inappropriately priced.
So there!
Anonymous
Yes. I see this type of comment from time to time in comments sections, maybe even here?
Loxie
I use it and have liked it. I agree that it’s more business casual and weekend wear. The brands can vary from good quality Nordstrom brands to cheaper brands. It helps to set your preferred price points a little higher.
AnonInfinity
I agree. I set my price points at the highest option and have been very pleased with the quality. It’s more than I’d probably normally spend, but the convenience of not having to go to the mall is worth it to me. I also live in a place without a lot of options for professional clothing, so SF is a good way to break up a rut.
I’ve gotten plenty of blouses and dresses that I wear to work. My office is nice business casual (I usually wear suiting separates or at least a cardigan and pencil skirt-type outfit). I’ve even gotten a blazer and dress that I regularly wear to depositions. I did have one “stylist” who didn’t seem to look at my pinterest, but the one I’ve had for the last few boxes gets my style.
In house real estate
I am moved from biglaw to in-house at a real estate development firm in the DC region and am miserable. Anyone have any luck switching back from in-house to a biglaw job and would a recruiter be the best route?
Maternity Leave
I moved*
In house real estate
Yes thank you :)
Anonymous
Stop it.
TXLawyer
As someone contemplating a move in-house, can you tell us a bit more about about why you’re not liking it? You so often hear success stories of that kind of move, but we don’t always hear about when it doesn’t work out. Is there a reason you don’t want to move to a different in-house position and would prefer biglaw again?
Hollis
Just to answer your question, when you go in-house, you still have clients, but your clients are sitting in the same building, possibly the same floor as you, so you can’t hide behind your computer, ignore their questions, or refer them to another colleague (or another firm) as you can with firm clients. Depending on how big your group is, you may also be seen as the expert on all legal issues, even though you have no background in, e.g., sweepstakes rules or worker’s comp or data privacy. You are asked to sit in on meetings and spot issues, on the spot, without a lot of time to consider the issues involved. If you have a big outside budget, or budget for legal resources, great. But if not, you are looking for answers on google. Those are the downsides.
ace
I think this is a great summary of the issues I’ve heard about moving in-house. I’d also add:
– Often busier hours, even if you work fewer overall.
– less flexibility/more facetime than when you’re accountable for billables but may be able to play hooky/take it easy/work from home
– Greater focus on “consensus building”, i.e., convincing your clients (some of who are non-lawyers) of the correctness of a course of action versus laying out the legal analysis and moving on.
TXLawyer
Thanks to both of y’all for the input!
Hollis
I went from in-house to firm and did it through networking. Whenever I saw a firm posting, I just reached out to people I knew at those firms and they passed along my resume to the head of the department I was interested in and I got a lot of interviews that way. Firms post ads because they need people badly, but they often get inundated with resumes so having someone at the firm specifically pass on your resume will make you stand out. Can you go back to your previous firm?
Maternity Leave
I am out on maternity leave from my biglaw job and just got offered a position inhouse. I am still weighing the offer but am wondering when should I set my start date if I accept? I am scheduled to return from maternity leave in one month – should I return to work for a couple of weeks and then give notice or just not return at all? Should I feel really bad about doing this? Because I do, ugh. It was not my intention, but the inhouse job is matching my salary and promising better hours.
Anonymous
Doesn’t matter. Unless you have things to tie up, I wouldn’t bother returning. This happens all the time.
Diana Barry
I would check your maternity leave policy to see if you are required to come back after leave for the purposes of having all of your costs (health insurance etc.) covered, or not.
If not, I would give notice NOW if you are planning to accept the in-house job and not drag it out for an extra 6 weeks.
JJ
But just know that if you give notice now that you’re not coming back (and you’re still under your FMLA leave), your old firm can terminate you and end your insurance benefits (if you’re using them). So, I would check to make sure you won’t owe the firm any money for benefits paid during leave and that you’ll have insurance coverage that you need.
Otherwise, the firm will understand. Especially when a lawyer goes in-house and becomes a potential client.
LondonLeisureYear
Best jeans for guys? My dude is super skinny and likes jeans that feel soft (ie he doesn’t want to go through the process of wearing them for months or raw denim) and dark wash. We used to use Levi’s 511 or 510 in Rigid Dragon Wash. They don’t make those anymore. He is 30×30 on a good day but typically 28×30. He works in tech so he wears jeans every day and would drop some cash for decent pairs.
Anonymous
No. Stop it. He is a grown man. “We” do not “use” a specific brand. Srsly. He will sort it out.
Anonymous
plus a million.
LondonLeisureYear
Hey. He does things for me that I prefer not to deal with (such as remembering to back up my numerous photos on to a separate hard drive) and I do stuff for him that he doesn’t want to deal with (such as shopping). We are partners, so we divide up tasks. Part of the benefit of being in a relationship is we get to play off each others strengths. I didn’t ask you to evaluate our relationship, I asked for jean suggestions so I can make a list so when we go shopping together it saves time and goes faster.
Anonymous
And part of not getting called out on your smug marriedness is not we-ifying the wearing of jeans! Sorry, I’m grumpy today, but he wears jeans not we.
Also Lucky is nice and soft.
LondonLeisureYear
Thanks for the lucky suggestion. Sorry for the “we”. I also hate it when people say things like “We are pregnant!” Also not married.
HEY
Grumpy anon, you’re rude! Woman up and use a handle if you’re going to have such strong opinions. Sheesh!
Also, C-r*tte is a place for civil, constructive commenting. We don’t need your type if you’re just going to throw Haterade all over the site.
padi
I second Lucky. Not married but I had an ex who bought his own Lucky jeans and they were so soft. They also made his butt look really good.
Walnut
Yikes, folks, chill out. For what it’s worth, my husband does lots of shopping for me and knows that “we” like Calvin Klein dresses and to buy all of them.
London, good luck finding jeans. My husband with a similar fit tends to wear Gap jeans out of lack of finding anything better. In addition to not being able to find jeans, he also has stupidly long arms which makes finding shirts impossible as well.
anonanon
7’s for all mankind also make good dark jeans for men. They are much cheaper at outlets.
Runner 5
If you’re still in London go up to Bicester Village if he has a super high budget, or to Swindon Outlets (easier without a car since it’s only 5 minutes’ walk from the train station rather than requiring a connecting bus) and get him to try on EVERYTHING. There’s also new outlet shopping at Wembley which is surprisingly good but rather small.
DPT
Sorry accidently reported your original comment. My guy likes Marmot, Patagonia, and other outdoorsy brands. They’re made for moving/activity so they’re comfy and usually have smaller sizes available for thin, active men.
anon
My DH is a new fan of Joe’s Jeans (there are often good sales at Nordstrom Rack)
Ekaterin Nile
I took my skinny, tall husband to the men’s department at Nordstrom and let them find him jeans. They’re definitely more expensive but they fit better and look good.
Josie Pye
Any tips on working more efficiently from home? I have the flexibility to do this as much as I want unless I have in-person meetings, but I’m really unproductive when I have a work-from-home day or half-day. I use our guest room as my office, and the space is great–that’s not the issue. I just have trouble sitting down for more than 20 minutes at home without wanting to pay a bill, make tea, microwave tea that got cold, change the laundry, let the dog out, let the dog in…In contrast, at work I have no trouble focusing and completing things. Thanks for any ideas!
LondonLeisureYear
I work from home and realize how quickly the time can go away. Somethings I do is before bed I put my computer and phone in the work space and don’t let myself look at them until I am ready for the day (dressed, ate breakfast, have my tea ready etc). Then once I enter my work space I set a timer and don’t leave it until the timer goes off for my midmorning break. lunch break, and afternoon break. I shut the door, listen to music and drown out the fact that the rest of the house exists. At lunch I set the timer again for 30 minutes and use that time to eat but also power around the house (like change the laundry over).
Ellen
I agree with this OP. I have the flexibility to work, either from the office or at home many days, and on some days, I work from home then run directley to court, makeing sure that Mason bring’s my case file’s. And on weekend’s I ALWAYS work from home on pleeding’s with my MacBook air, which connect’s to the office useing my new FIOS WIRELESS ROOTER. The speed of the rooter is even faster then the work rooter, so this makes me think we should do better at work. I will bring this up at the next partnership meeting.
So when you work from home, you MUST be organized. If you do NOT have what you need, you will NOT be eficieint. FOOEY on me when I leave file’s at work. Then I catch up on TV, laundry and manageing my own portfolio on line. I do enough billeable work during the week that give’s me the flexibility to put in about 28 hour’s on the weekend and still have time for fun. Now I just need to get the TECK guy’s to link my Macbook air to the billeing system and I will be all set. With my case file listing in hand, I can bill all weekend without ever steppeing foot in the office! YAY!!!!!
moss
I agree a good wireless rooter is very important. Mine even finds truffles sometimes.
Lazy lawyer
I work from home a lot, now. When it was more of a novelty (e.g., one day per week), I had the same problems as you. Now that it’s more or less the norm, my productivity is no different than when I’m at the office. Can you designate one day or half day per week so that it is part of your routine and not a “treat”? (I don’t mean that negatively — that’s how I thought of it myself.) Or, allow yourself to do house-related tasks for 5-10 min per hour as part of your break, same as you’d take a break at the office to use the restroom, get coffee, etc., and don’t feel guilty about it? There’s nothing wrong with taking 5 min to switch the laundry; it’s the equivalent of a five min break to chat in the hall with a coworker. Bottom line: for me, once it started feeling like work, and not “work, wink, wink,” I no longer had trouble focusing and completing tasks.
Working from Home
I work from home full time and I think you have to be very disciplined and honest about how you spend your time to be productive. I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting small chores done while working from home as long as you are getting your work done but it’s easy to get sucked in and spend more time than planned. Can you track everything you do in a work day and how much time you spend on each activity for a few days so you can get a real picture of how much time you are devoting to work vs. house stuff? It is easy to underestimate how much time you spend on little things. Getting tea or microwaving tea is something I would do in the office as well, but maybe it takes longer when you are working from home because you *also* sweep the kitchen or take out the trash. It also might help to list out all the home tasks you want to get done in a day and schedule them in a block like you would a meeting or work project so you can focus on them during their scheduled time and focus on work the rest of the time.
Lazy lawyer
Great advice. I set a timer so that my five minute task doesn’t turn into a half hour break.
moss
I work from home all the time. How engrossing are your tasks? I have an easier time when I really have a big chunk to work on. If I have low- or no-deadline tasks I do tend to do more laundry, make bread or whatever.
I don’t sweat it if I go switch laundry over and then come back. You’re supposed to walk around for 5 minutes out of every hour anyway. If you find you’re completely drifting away and not completing tasks that have to be done and letting down your team then maybe working from home is not for you. My work is engrossing enough that I haven’t had any productivity issues and I’ve been doing this over 2 years full time. If you’re missing deadlines or not completing work then you might need to be in an office. Working from home is often a productivity enhancer because there are fewer distractions.
If you’re getting everything done and are just having trouble acting like you’re working when there’s not much to do, then just go do your laundry or whatever and don’t sweat it.
Mpls
Don’t work from home.
Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to. I’ve got the same option at work, and while it would be nice to have the option for crappy weather or the occasional repairperson situation, I know I would be way more productive at work, so I go to work unless I have a good reason to stay home.
Meg March
How soon is too soon to seriously decorate a new office? At my old firm, diplomas were pretty much all people put up, but at my new firm, people have put up art, hung unique curtains, etc. One woman has even brought in an antique chair (which is gooooorgeous). The last couple weeks, I’ve started slowly, with a framed photo of my boyfriend and me for my desk and a small plant. It seems weird to immediately jump to “large canvas on the wall,” although I’d like to get there eventually. Should I go for it now (2 weeks into new job)? Any other ideas for slowly ramping up the decor?
Anon
Depends on the culture. I’ve read on here about offices where if you DON’T decorate, they assume you don’t like your job and won’t be staying.
As for me, I decorate all I’m going to (a nice lamp, diplomas, a plant, professional books from my personal collection) within the first week or so. I’ll come in on a weekend or at night to do it so I don’t feel self-conscious puttering around.
Senior Attorney
I don’t see anything wrong with just going for it. At some point in your career, you have your “office decor stuff,” and it’s normal to just move it into the new place when you change jobs.
Senior Attorney
Also (missing the “edit” function!) I like to put down a nice rug if there’s room in the office. It really brightens the place up.
lawsuited
I have my diplomas, a large artwork, a collection of 4 smaller artworks, an upholstered foot stool, as well as a framed wedding photo, bookends, tissue box holder and pen holder for my desk. If I don’t put them into my new office when I move jobs, I have nowhere to put them…so although I don’t usually move it all in on the first day, I definitely “move in” within the first week.
But also, when I take a new job, it is under the presumption that I’ll be staying there, so I don’t put much stock in concerns over looking “presumptuous”.
Anon
So, I went to give blood at the Red Cross today and was rejected for borderline low iron (I was at 11.4 and 11.5, and you have to be a 12.5). I eat a fair bit of spinach and red meat. Has anyone here successfully gotten their iron levels up without pills? Just looking for suggestions or anecdata…I know I should bring this up with my doctor the next time I see her. Thanks!
KT
Iron levels can jump around depending on where you are in your cycle. Do you have any other symptoms of deficiency, like faintness, pale skin, etc?
If so, definitely bring up with a doctor. I had a very-iron rich diet and yet always had anemia…it turned out after being tested I had Celiacs, so I wasn’t digesting food properly and the vitamins weren’t being absorbed.
NYC tech
Not what you’re asking, but apparently the whole idea that spinach is an iron-rich food is a myth resulting from a misplaced decimal point in the original measurement. So don’t count on that!
CMC
I’ve never heard that one; looks like that itself may be a myth: http://science.howstuffworks.com/innovation/edible-innovations/spinach-good-source-of-iron1.htm
Diana Barry
I sometimes have low iron and then will take one pill twice a week or so. It backs you up if taken every day. I think regular vitamins also have some iron in them.
Anonymous
Yes, a women’s multivitamin will have more iron, plus folic acid and calcium, than a regular multivitamin.
Carrie...
I like Vitron-C. Has some vitamin C with the iron for better absorption, and has fewer GI side effects. I would chat with your doc though. You should always have levels checked if you are using iron pills.
bridget
Vitamin C! It helps you absorb iron, especially iron from plant sources.
tesyaa
Even if your iron isn’t high enough to donate, it doesn’t mean your iron level is worrisome, especially at that borderline difference. Your doctor can tell you if you need to raise your iron, but you may be just fine.
Marilla
Agree with this – I’ve been told the same thing when trying to donate blood, but it’s not the same as actually low iron – it just means they have a narrower spectrum for donations than your doctor will for your general health. If you don’t have any related health issues, it’s likely nothing to worry about or nothing you need to put effort into. Although if you haven’t had a physical in a while and your doctor hasn’t done some sort of baseline tests, that might be worth doing at your next appointment.
Wildkitten
I will also have wildly different levels in different fingers or on different hands – like 11 in my left hand and 16 in my right hand, so I wouldn’t panic with an 11.5. Since I hate to get all ready to donate blood and then be turned away I like to eat bison a few times the week or two before I donate, but I don’t do that all the time, since I just want to get my iron way up for the donation, not for everyday.
waffles
I was always diagnosed with low iron levels when I was younger. My doctor now thinks that my white blood cells (I think?) are just individually each smaller than normal. He says that as long my levels are consistent for me, it’s nothing to worry about. Definitely worth talking to your doctor and tracking your levels over time, but your results might be fine for you.
padi
I read somewhere (sorry, can’t google it now) that drinking milk can cause your body to leech iron. Growing up, I was often anemic but I haven’t been anemic since I stopped drinking milk and eating cereal for breakfast.
anonymama
I think calcium actually just inhibits the absorption of iron, so it helps to raise your iron levels if you don’t drink milk at the same time. Hmm… tangentially, I wonder if Jewish dietary laws regarding meat/dairy have, at root, some relation to this.
Also spinach has lots of iron but it is more difficult for your body to absorb than the iron in meat, so effectively you get less iron from it.
Anyhow, I am generally healthy but with borderline low iron for donating blood. I find if I eat red meat or other iron-rich foods just before I’m usually fine. I tried to give up meat for lent once and it was a disaster, I felt terrible and was really spacey. But generally I think my body naturally balances pretty well… if I eat red meat when I feel like eating red meat (often around my period) then I’m fine. Also, try cooking your food in a cast-iron pan, that helps too.
A
Donating blood often can lower your iron stores, if that is something you do. You can also naturally have low iron after you have your period, according to my doctor.
Hollis
I think you should be lucky they turned you down. I was borderline, but was a regular donor previously so I just went for it, on a hot day no less, and about an hour later, I was laying down on the bathroom floor (yes, so disgusting) of my law firm’s bathroom, unable to get myself up because I was so light-headed, but more scared that a co-worker would walk in and freak out.
advice needed
you guys, I’m recently engaged, and I love my fiance and am super excited about the marriage/future. I am, however, scared when I hear horror stories of people whose marriages haven’t worked out. How did any of you get over this/cope with this? I’ve talked about it with my fiance, and I am confident we’re on the same page in this regard, but naturally I am scared about the “what ifs”.
LondonLeisureYear
Go to pre marriage therapy! Talk about the things that break up marriages. Make sure you are on the same page about sex and same page about finances. Therapy is a great practice to get into the routine with while you are both happy with your relationship and in a good place.
Anonymous
Like, you get scared by hearing that people get divorced? Obviously you’re well aware of this. Spouses die. People do actually get hit by lightening. Sometimes you get gored by a bull on the run. You get married because it’s worth it to you now even though you don’t know what’s coming.
nutella
Sheesh, there are a lot of mean Anonymouses today!
Mpls
Eh, didn’t seem that mean to me. It *could* be if read in a snide tone, but I’m giving the poster the benefit of the doubt.
madrilena (for now)
I also don’t really think this is that mean. It’s not particularly nice but I don’t think it’s over the line and I didn’t really note that it could be misconstrued as ‘mean’ (maybe just blunt?) until I saw the replying comment.
anon
I’m in your same situation. Life is scary, anything can happen. You just need to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Do your due diligence to make sure you’re making a good decision, and whatever happens, happens. Suck it up. That’s how to cope. Everyone fears the unknown little bit.
You should do everything you can to prepare yourself, though. Counseling or whatever else you need.
TBK
Marriage is a leap of faith. That’s it. For most people, who get married in their 20s or early 30s, you’re betting that you’ll be happy being married to this person for 50, 60, 70+ years when you haven’t even been alive half that long. But, yeah, divorce is scary. Whenever I hear about a friend getting divorced, I get scared. I find myself trying to identify what went “wrong” so I can reassure myself that that won’t happen to me. But the one true thing about marriage is that no one on earth knows what really goes on in any marriage except the two people in it. My husband and I consciously kept our expectations low going into it. We didn’t write our own vows because we didn’t want to promise any more than the minimum and thought that if we could just meet that for all however many years we were both alive, we’d be doing alright. Ultimately, though, once you’ve done your due diligence (including pre-marriage counseling), you have to close your eyes and jump.
Sarabeth
Honestly? I look at my friends who’ve gotten divorced, and I realize that they are doing fine. I might get divorced someday, and if that happens, I will also be fine. I accept that divorce is a risk of marriage. 6 years in, I don’t think it’s a very big risk, but I find it much more helpful to acknowledge the possibility and remind myself that it wouldn’t break me (although it would certainly suck).
Lyra Silvertongue
As someone who is currently going through a divorce, I agree with the other commenters that if it feels right and you’ve done your preparation, you just have to make the leap.
Friday would have been our fifth wedding anniversary; we would have been together for 8 years total. We did an almost excessive amount of preparation. We read several books together about marriage, we did pre-marital counseling, we talked about “what if” scenarios…and yet as well prepared as we were, something shocking and unexpected still happened which ultimately tore us apart (his infidelity).
And yet, even in the midst of our divorce, I would not go back and change anything. I do not regret those years we spent together. I would take the leap all over again and honestly, I’m open to the idea of doing so again in the future with someone else perhaps. At the end of this divorce, I will be fine, and certainly unbroken.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if YOU feel good about this, take the leap. The reward is worth the risk, imo. You hopefully will end up with a partner for life, but even if you aren’t together forever, the experience can still be meaningful and beneficial.
bridget
Thing is, divorce isn’t random. Some catastrophes that trigger divorce (such as losing a child) are, but the vast majority of divorces I’ve seen weren’t exactly unexpected. In fact, a lot of the family/friends of the bride and/or groom said as much before the wedding.
cbackson
Divorce isn’t random, but life – even non-catastropic, ordinary life – can change you in ways that make continued life as a couple impossible. There are things you can do to reduce that (both in terms of being careful about who you marry and in how you relate to each other once married), but it’s also entirely the case that you can look at each other on your wedding day and think that you love each other so much that you can’t imagine ever feeling differently. You can be the couple that everyone in your social circle thinks is desperately in love. You might even think that surely (surely!) people who get divorced must never have been as blissfully happy as you are on that day. And you can still end up getting divorced. No one really knows what happens inside a marriage, but for the people in it.
bridget
(Rolls eyes)
If your standard for staying in a marriage is being as blissfully happy as you are on your wedding day, you’ll wind up divorced. Spark, embers, banked fires versus roaring flames, all that.
anonymama
I don’t think she was saying that you’d always be that blissfully happy, but rather that if at one point you are that blissfully happy she can’t imagine ever being completely unhappy. Like you love something so much that even if you can imagine not always loving it quite so fiercely, you can’t imagine ever hating it. To use your analogy, you can imagine the fire dying down to embers or being banked temporarily but you can’t imagine it ever being completely out and totally sparkless.
Wildkitten
I assume this is why she is freaking out. The fact that something as unpleasant as divorce might be preventable but that the people in the couple might not know that they are starting a disastrous marriage keeps me up at night and I’m not even engaged.
OP
Wild Kitten you hit the nail on the head. I mean I’m willing to take the risk, but MAN divorce is scary. But I do appreciate the comments from people that divorced people/friends are doing just fine. And Lyra Silvertongue, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with divorce, but your perspective really is helpful for someone who is entering marriage soon. The scary part for me is that I feel like we have our ducks in a row (i.e. we’re getting married later –he’ll be 30 and I’m 29), and we have open conversations about the hard issues, and really and truly he is the best guy for me, but I have seen so many people who still end up divorced in spite of the odds. That’s the thing that scares me. But I guess so long as my fiance and I are like you know what, we’re willing to take that risk (and I think so long as we have friends/family to support us), that’s really all that counts.
Lyra Silvertongue
OP, thank you very much for your kind words, and I’m glad my perspective seems helpful. Best of luck!
Work/Life Balance
Question: I am contemplating a move out of Big Law regional office to an in-house position. I have an interview set up next week – the posting states that the job requires 45-50 per week. I plan to inquire about this at the interview but what is the best way to bring this up? And also to inquire about any flextime options and related work/life balance issuses? Also, is it likely that I will end up working more hours than the advertised requirement on a regular basis – has that happened to any of you? I am really looking to get out of the 60 hour weeks at my Big Law firm (which I know by comparison to other Big Law firma is not that bad to begin with, but I’d still like to work a little less!)
Former Partner, Now In-House
You might think about where and when those hours are. In a firm, no one cares if many of your hours are in the middle of the night at your kitchen table in your PJs, so long as the brief is right and timely. In house, when clients call or drop by during regular business hours, they expect you to be in your office (and not in your PJs).
MJ
When you are interviewing for a job, they want to know that you are the right person skill-wise, before you start bringing up that you have a life that gets in the way of their needs. I would certainly bring this up, but not before you are much closer to an offer. To the poster above’s query, I have had several friends go in-house expecting better hours, and then working more than they did in biglaw (I’m looking at you, Amazon!). It happens. You are right to ask about it, but not before they have a better sense of why you’re the right candidate, and even then, I would be very ginger about this until you get an offer. I totally understand that life happens, and sometimes you want to ratchet down, but in-house jobs are quite difficult to get (unless you have connections), so I would not raise any red flags by asking about these things until further in the process.
In terms of working more hours, this would depend on what type of in-house…if you are, for instance corporate, I could see that happening if your firm is doing an acquisition or if you’re getting the 10-K out or before a huge board meeting. I think it’s unrealistic to expect in-house to be an hours shangri-la, especially when many companies are watching their legal spend very carefully, so they expect in-house counsel to do more (and more urgent) things more often. In general, the hours in-house are a bit more predictable and controllable, because your clients understand that you are not typically working until midnight to satisfy their every whim.
Hollis
Yes, there are many in-house jobs out there where people work about Biglaw hours, but without the Biglaw pay and admin support. Talk to everyone, but especially people who previously worked there, people who are friends with people who work there, and the top recruiters in your area, many of whom know what the hours are like at places like Amazon (because they are approached by in-house lawyers looking to go back to a firm).
In house
I wouldn’t bring up the hours during any main interviews because they may get the impression that you aren’t willing to work hard. When I interviewed for my in-house job earlier this year, I had a few brief interviews with people who are now my colleagues. I asked them to describe an ordinary day for them, and they seemed to understand that I was inquiring about work-life balance. Several of them had recently joined the company, so I also asked them how the current company compares to their old companies.
As for your other question – it is absolutely possible that you will work more hours than advertised. Unfortunately, not all in-house jobs are 9-5, and some legal departments have stricter face-time requirements than law firms.
Good luck with your interview!
Deadlines?
A comment someone made a few days ago, during the thread about letting go of the little things that your SO does that bother you, caught my attention. It was along the lines of “if I need/want him to do something, I give him a deadline, tell him I won’t bring it up again before the deadline, and give him an idea of how I will react if he hasn’t done it by the deadline.”
My fiancé is seriously wonderful, probably the best guy I could have ever hoped to end up with. He’s really laid back and even-keeled, which is almost always great, especially since I can’t say those things about myself… Except, he’s really not one to take initiative on any longer-term or more conceptual things that need to be done. I general, I’m happy to do the things that I am able to take care of (I’m a huge planner and future-oriented person). But there are things that I am not able to manage that he needs to do. A recent example would be deciding about and asking the guys that will be groomsmen/ushers at our upcoming wedding. If he had it his way, he probably would have casually asked them a week before the wedding.
In circumstances like this, I’ve tried to use “deadlines” since my timeline for getting something done (maybe a week tops) is obviously very different from his (could be a month or more). I think it really stresses him out to make what he considers any sort of bigger commitment or decision without AMPLE time to consider every possible factor, or to do so under pressure (he is constantly having to do this at work so I think this is more of a personal thing). Needless to say, he often doesn’t meet these deadlines that we both agreed to, which invariably leads to an argument. I get upset because I feel that his indecision/inaction is causing me more stress (in the groomsmen example, trying to plan a wedding!) and he gets defensive and resents that my deadlines are arbitrary; in truth they sometimes are, mostly because I feel the need to throw out a date so that he will do the thing I need him to do in a reasonable time frame.
I know this is at least partially me and my tendency to set my expectations to how I would act in a given situation. I take his non-action way more personally than I should, and therefore probably get more upset than is warranted. That being said, I’d very much like to get a read on this from an outside perspective. This isn’t a concerning issue in our relationship, but is probably the main cause of the infrequent fights we do have, and I’d love to know if anyone else has dealt with this personality dynamic. I’ve considered whether we should do some pre-marriage counseling–not even mostly because of this, it just seems like a good idea for anyone. TIA!
Anonymous
Why does it matter when and how he asks the groomsmen though? Like, at all. I think you need to refocus on actual problems: we need to give the florist a final count for flowers on xyz date, and we can’t afford to order extra, right? Except they could actually just not get them and life would be fine.
Consider whether you are really stressed out by this particular thing, or whether you’re stressed generally and focusing on one small him related thing to excuse yourself from taking responsibility.
Personally, it sounds like you want marriage counseling to make him do what you want. You love him right? Nothing to fix here.
Deadlines?
I suppose I get what you’re saying, and perhaps I could have used a better example. However, I’m planning a fairly large, involved wedding and doing 95% of the work. That I need to feel bad about asking him to decide on his groomsmen by a certain date (even if it’s just so I can check that one thing off of my list of millions) is laughable.
Senior Attorney
But why?
Really, why? Why can’t you just tell him, “I will plan for X number of groomsmen. This is the phone number of the tailor. I am counting on you to have the appropriate number of groomsmen in place, properly dressed.”
And then you check “groomsmen” off your list. Boom!
He will or he won’t provide the groomsmen, and they will or they won’t be properly dressed, but it will be on him and not on you. And if he flubs it you will have the choice of going ballistic or making it a funny story that you tell your grandchildren.
Your choice. Really.
nutella
Oh man, YES.
Pretty Primadonna
I’m not the OP, but I think she would surmise that he also wouldn’t do that in a timely fashion, either, and she would have to pick up the pieces.
That would annoy me as well, but I don’t have any advice except to accept that this is who you are marrying and what you are signing up for (i.e. managing things like this in the relationship) and changing your attitude about his laissez-faire ways.
tesyaa
+1. He’s not going to change. Presumably he has many other great qualities that you’re marrying him for.
bridget
“Really, why? Why can’t you just tell him, “I will plan for X number of groomsmen. This is the phone number of the tailor. I am counting on you to have the appropriate number of groomsmen in place, properly dressed.”
I LOVE this. Will keep this in the back of my brain for various situations.
Anon
Are you planning the wedding that you (singular) want, or that you (plural) want?
Because the frantic tone of this post makes it sound like the wedding details are really, really important to you, and having a relaxed and happy marriage is less so.
FWIW, I’m also planning a wedding. I’m a planner by nature; my fiancé is not. My big goal is for both of us to be relaxed and happy and enjoy the day and experience. It won’t be Pinterest-worthy, but I hope it will be a heck of a lot of fun!
TBK
Does he want this wedding? If he does, he should be doing his share of the work. But if, left to his own devices, he’d have stopped by City Hall then gone out for dinner with friends afterward, it’s not up to him to run the wedding. I run our household according to my own standards. These standards aren’t my husband’s. The result is that I pay out of my own “fun” money for the help we hire for the heavy cleaning and do about 90% of what’s left. That’s my choice. I could have married a neat freak. Instead I married a man who didn’t even own a vacuum cleaner when he was single. I used to feel resentful, but I don’t anymore. When it gets really overwhelming, I ask for help and he gladly pitches in…to make me happy, NOT because he thinks the sheets on our bed really do need to be changed (like, ever, in his world).
Deadlines?
I mean, yes he does. He wanted a big, church wedding (wanted the fancy church even more than I did). I suppose the details don’t matter to most people on this site, but we’re having this large Catholic wedding. I’m getting pressure from everywhere about having the same number of attendants and all that. I’m not bitter that I’m planning most of it– I used to be an event planner, and I firmly believe that each person should pitch in where they have strengths. It’s just frustrating to ask him to do only a few small things, so I can have some peace of mind, and have them not get done for months. It’s not like I gave him a week to decide– this was in January and was something I asked him to do by May.
Anonymous
If you are grown up enough to get married you are grown up to say to people that no one does even sides anymore. Its a ridiculous concept to try to get them to be exactly the same. You each pick your nearest and dearest and you need to just relax. honestly I am getting stressed out reading your posts.
Anon Also Planing a Wedding
Who on earth is pressuring you to have the same number of attendants?
My fiancé is having three – both of his brothers and his closest friend.
I am having two – both of my brothers :)
Anyone who is disturbed by the fact that we don’t have the same number of people, or that I have bridesmen instead of ladies in matching dresses, can suck it. Seriously. It is our bridal party and we do what we want!!
Deadlines?
I don’t mind even a bit having different numbers. My fiance actually wanted even numbers much more than I did. But it’s ok, I’m a bride so I’m clearly crazy.
Anonymous
No your acting crazy so your crazy. If he wants even sides than he can match whatever number you pick. There is literally no issue here.
Deadlines?
That’s nice.
Oh, and you’re*
TBK
Agree. Tell him the issue and the consequences, then let him do whatever. Not you-imposed consequences, just natural consequences. Like “hey, the groomsmen will need to order their tuxes, so you might want to check with the tux place to see what their deadline is.” He shouldn’t be agreeing to deadlines he doesn’t actually agree with, though. But I’d approach the conversation as a way of getting a better understanding of both of your ways of doing things — with the idea that they’re different but equally valid — and coming out with a solution that you both like. It sounds like you’re trying to use different tactics to get him to accept your way of doing things. But that doesn’t work if he doesn’t actually accept it. It might be that you present it as “I need this, this, and this or it makes me feel really stressed because….” and he then does it because he wants you to not feel stressed because he loves you. So it’s something he’s doing for you, not because it “needs” to be done that way. That also requires you being willing to let certain things go, however.
pockets
I disagree. I have many of the same issues with my spouse. He is in charge of accomplishing a simple, 30-second weekly chore that should be done by a certain time, but if it’s done late it’s no big deal. Spouse would procrastinate and forget, and I’d have to remind him (which probably took as long as him actually just doing the chore), I’d get really annoyed and pissed off at how “his” chore was occupying so much of my mental space, how it wasn’t saving me any time to have to remind him to do his chore, and it would turn into a whole fight. Yes, it was my fault for getting all worked up over something small, and it was my decision to obsess over and get anxious about whether he’d complete his chore on time, and then to get all ragey when he didn’t. But the way I looked at it, he knew I would get worked up about this (by the 5th time this happened, he should have known) and as my partner, his job should be to make my life easier, not harder. If that meant that he had to do some things on my schedule, well, he married me, I’m the mother of his children, and that’s what he signed up for. I’m not perfect and neither is he.
For my solution, I told him that he managed to have a successful career so I knew he was mentally capable of simple housekeeping chores. I told him that if he treated his job duties the way he treated his home duties, he’d be fired/have to deal with some very angry bosses and clients. And then I told him I was really hurt and offended that he treated his boss better than he treated me. It worked, sort of, in that he finally understood where I was coming from. I also refused to undertake certain projects with him and told him I wasn’t going to do the projects because I knew that I’d be left dealing with the day-to-day. That also helped. The only thing that actually worked is that now when he forgets, he’s in charge of getting up with the baby on the weekends (otherwise we switch off). That helped a lot.
Alice
I have/had a similar dynamic with my husband…he procrastinates on his chores and small tasks (mostly administrative stuff, like submitting claims for FSA reimbursement or finding out his blood type in time for genetic testing at a prenatal appointment), which then occupy my mental space. He understands that this stresses me out.
For my husband, this is just who he is…he isn’t markedly different at work, but he has a career where he isn’t responsible for this sort of administrative stuff. We’ve addressed the issue (mostly successfully) three ways:
1. I have become more laid back, and he has become more responsive.
2. He acknowledges that he actually appreciates my to-do lists, reminders, etc. He also acknowledges that they constitute work. So, he takes on more of the actual housework type stuff in return. I may spend more time tracking appointments and applying for visas for vacations and booking rental cars and flights, but he does all the trash and 75% of the dishes and 75% of the cooking. He may procrastinate on doing things, but he does more things, taking up more time.
3. Like pockets, when possible, he gets certain responsibilities that I know I can just ignore. Like, when the baby comes, he is responsible for booking and taking the baby to most appointments, absent extenuating circumstances.
Senior Attorney
It doesn’t “inevitably lead to an argument.” You don’t like what he is doing so you choose to fight about it.
Really, in the scheme of things, so what if he casually asks guys to be groomsmen/ushers a week before the wedding? So what if they have to scramble around and maybe don’t get matching suits, and so what if the number of guys don’t match the number of girls? This is the guy you are choosing to marry, and that is how he rolls? Is it more important to have matching suits and matching wedding parties, or is it more important to let him be him and have a great relationship? You are stressing because you choose to, but as somebody wisely said on the thread the other day, that doesn’t mean that your position is the objectively correct one.
I can imagine him posting on some guys’ message board somewhere: “Holy cow, she is so great but she is so hyper-controlling and she’s always setting these arbitrary deadlines for me and getting all mad when I don’t meet them and she doesn’t trust me to get things done and she acts like she’s my mom or my boss or something! I love her but I don’t know if I can live with this for the rest of my life!”
You are going to have to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or whether living with it is the price of admission to this relationship. Counseling is probably a really good idea. But really, I have been in your shoes and I got over it and life is a whole lot better. Men are who they are and you need to take them as you find them. Don’t expect him to do things the way you would. It’s disrespectful and counterproductive.
Deadlines?
Thank you all for your honesty. I’ll go ahead and accept that since the consensus on my post was pretty unanimous, this is obviously my own issue (which I suspected anyways).
Similar to what I would assume is the case for many couples getting married, I of course care more about the details of the wedding than he does. I think the fact that I used a wedding example for this probably made the post a bit more charged than it needed to be (as any wedding-related post on this site tends to get).
However, there are things that are actually important that only he can handle, and it constantly seems like those things just aren’t ever getting done. We need a life insurance policy on him (this was his idea originally) since we’re solely relying on his income while I’m in a masters program. If he died, of course the most devastating thing would be losing him, but to have everything else crash down at the same time is unthinkable. Am I still being overly controlling to want this to have happened already? The policy was supposed to be in place by January when I started school. I literally have no idea how to handle this except ask him to do it and set deadlines when he doesn’t do it.
Anonymous
Have you tried asking him about when he sees these things happening by, instead of asking him to do it by a certain date that you set?
Anon Also Planing a Wedding
Research life insurance, call the best place, and schedule him an appointment for the physical. Then tell him when/where his appointment is. Done.
Deadlines?
So, I just end up doing everything in the relationship? He isn’t incapable of functioning like a normal human being, and if he says he’s going to take care of something, I should be able to trust that he will.
Anon Also Planing a Wedding
Well, sure, but he’s not doing it and you’re frustrated. This might not be the answer you want, but it is one answer.
Senior Attorney
Right. See, the thing is, he knows what you want and he’s not doing it, so your choices are quite clearly (a) do it yourself or (b) let it go undone. Or sometimes (c) outsource it. You are trying to do (d) make his life miserable until he does it, and I am here to tell that will never lead to a good outcome.
I’m serious when I say you need to think long and hard about whether you can live with this as the price of admission to the relationship. Big church wedding or no big church wedding, this is what your life is going to be like, and if you can’t live with it then you need to be honest about it now.
MNF
Just a note of dissent. I don’t think you’re crazy or asking for unreasonable things, maybe you’re just not approaching it well.
(You do need to know who the groomsmen are more than a week beforehand. Off the top of my head, it most likely affects: the seating chart, the program at the church, the entrance that the DJ needs to coordinate, who to include in the rehearsal dinner — oh now you don’t have a list to give your MIL for the rehearsal dinner? great – wonderful start to your relationship with her… and I’m sure there’s more).
If you’re a type-A, detail oriented planner, I don’t think ‘get over your personality’ is a good response. I agree with the posters who suggested that you sit down and explain why you need things done in a certain timeline. WRT the life insurance – that’s ridiculous. You made a plan as a couple and he’s clearly not following through. I think the key is to broach it and then *decide on a deadline together,* so that it’s not just a seemingly arbitrary deadline set by you.
Deadlines?
Thank you– yea, his mom needing to know how many people would be at the rehearsal dinner was a major thing that the number of groomsmen (and their plus ones) affected.
I totally realize that I get more upset than I should, but was surprised that this was apparently ALL my fault. I do like the suggestion to really have a discussion about why we need these things to be done.
Alice
I responded above, but I just wanted to say that agree with this response and the immediate points below.
Walnut
My husband is not a “pull the trigger” kind of guy. I don’t know that if the decision were left exclusively up to him if we would have ever bought a house (the giant spend of cash scared the pants off of him), started any home remodel projects (fear of the unknown, did we choose the right contractor, etc.) and I would certainly not leave him to his own devices on insurance of any sort. He doesn’t particularly like dealing with it and I completely understand how it’s far easier to kick that can down the road than to deal with it (see the non-existent will/trust/death-related paperwork in my household because I’m still procrastinating.)
Decide what is hugely important to you, do the research, and get everything to the point where all he needs to do is sign on the line. I handle a lot of these types of decision making by doing my research while we’re both in the same place and engaging him in the decision making discussions at that time. I think it’s important to get his input, but also recognize that he’s unlikely to initiate action on his own when it comes to certain types of decisions.
Anonymous
This is much more important that the groomsman decision, and this is where picking your battles is important. I’m also a planner, and admittedly a little compulsive about getting things done. I get very, very nervous letting things I consider important wait for a later day, if I had my way they would all be done NOW. My husband is much more relaxed about these things and doesn’t worry nearly as much about the future. He is still very capable and a partner I can count on, he just goes about things a little differently. Like TBK said, it was my choice to marry him, and I’ve learned to accept this about him, and try to let things roll along at their own pace when I can. But, he also has come to realize when something is important to me and I get focused on it, that is the way I am, and he needs to move on it before I can let it go. It was also his choice to marry me, he could have married someone a bit more relaxed!
But we also joke about it, and appreciate each other’s strengths. When we travel in other countries, for example, I’ll pull out the folder with all the research materials I’ve gathered months in advance, hotel reservations, what trains we need to catch and when, etc. He’ll look these over on the spot, and is much better than I am at actually executing the plan, finding the right train, etc. Its a teamwork thing.
So, sit down, have a talk with him about his life insurance policy. Get some info and numbers for him to call. Explain how nervous this makes you. And it should make you nervous, I’m with you on this one. Sadly, it can happen…I lost my first husband in the middle of my first year of law school. Worrying about finances after such a huge loss was like being kicked in the stomach while lying crushed on the ground after just falling from 100 feet. He needs to get this done, but with everything else going on I’m betting it got lost in the shuffle.
Good luck, and don’t sweat the small stuff!
Deadlines?
You’re right– he did decide to marry me!!
And, I’m so sorry for the loss of your first husband. I can’t even imagine (and yes, reaffirming that we need life insurance).
Moonstone
Hmmm — I’m surprised at some of the responses you are getting. I have just one piece of advice regarding the deadlines — walk him through what needs to happen and then ask him to set the deadline for himself. I find that people are more willing to abide by a deadline if it’s not handed down to them, but that they pick themselves. (This is true both at work and home.)
Deadlines?
Thank you– I was slightly surprised as well.
To you and to anonymous at 12:12, I do try to get him to give me what he thinks is a reasonable time frame. I may have understated just how much he dislikes committing to things (in his personal life). It’s a back and forth “when do you think it’s reasonable to do this by” and him: “I don’t know, I have no idea, I don’t have enough information yet to tell you that”…. that’s when I end up saying “ok, well how about by this date?”
AnonInfinity
I responded in more detail below, but I forgot to address the deadline portion.
I think the deadline thing is honestly kind of infantilizing. I personally don’t react well to that at all. You might try an approach of explaining why something is important to you and working out a way to trust that he’ll do it (or not and how to deal with that). Sometimes there are actual deadlines (like the tailor needs the info about his groomsmen by a certain date), and those kinds are fine. But just saying, “I think we need life insurance and I want you to do it by X day” isn’t how I’d deal with the problem. Even if he “agrees” to the deadline.
Look at it this way — The approach you’ve been using isn’t working and it’s driving both of you crazy. So, try something else. A way to figure this stuff out without deadlines.
Deadlines?
I guess a scenario I’m thinking of is…. Sweetie, can you try calling the insurance company again this week? Him: sure! 2 weeks later…. Sweetie, did you ever call the insurance company? Him: Oh, no, I forgot. Me: ok, do you think you could do it by this Friday? Him: Sure!….. then it either does or doesn’t get done.
Am I setting deadlines? Yes. Do I think the above is unreasonable? Not really. But given that you’re like my fiance, would you handle it a different way?
AnonInfinity
Yes. I’ll use a similar example that the planner partners probably think is completely obnoxious. My husband and I went on a big vacation earlier this summer, but my trial schedule was such that we may have had to cancel at the last minute. So, we needed trip insurance. It was completely my “fault” that we needed trip insurance, but I can’t be trusted to research and pick one in a timely manner. My husband said, “I think we need trip insurance if you might cancel, but most cancel for any reason require you to get them within a week.” I said I’d try to look into it if I could find time. I hadn’t done it within a couple of days, so my husband literally just did it all because he knew I probably wouldn’t get around to it. But then I took care of all the last minute stuff like buying extra sunscreen, making sure we packed big ziplocks to keep liquids from leaking all over our luggage, and talking to the concierge at the hotel to get our reservations all set up. We just trust that we’ll work together to take care of the stuff that needs to be done in general.
The TL;DR is that the trip insurance was really really really important to him, so he did it. I’m sure it irritates him sometimes that he thinks he has to take care of my life and treat me like a child, but he also knows that I really do make an effort to do a lot of stuff that he doesn’t want to do (like take care of last minute trips to the store or making sure we have fun stuff to do).
For the life insurance, I think you should take care of it and at some point have a conversation that doesn’t involve pointing fingers about why it’s so important to you and why it’s making you feel anxious. Then let him know something like, “I’ve got the life insurance squared away except the physical because I can’t do that for you. The insurance contract says that you have to do the physical by X or we lose it.” You might even have to get him to tell you a good day for him for the physical and make the appointment yourself. You said above that you don’t want to take care of every detail of his life. If you’re really doing that and he’s not contributing something to your lives, then that’s a completely different issue, IMO. The most important thing in this whole process (and why I think it can require counseling) is that you have to get to a place where you trust that he’s going to enrich your joint lives and he has to get to a place where he understands that you’re only going to ask for help or set a deadline in only a few instances where it’s incredibly important to you.
By this point, my husband and I trust that it’ll all even out. Sometimes an issue is really really important to him, so he has to do waaaaaaay more work on that issue for it to get taken care of because I really just don’t care that much. Sometimes it’s the other way around. I trust that he’ll let me know what those few issues are that I have to help with. By this point, I’ve learned that he really will only bug me about a handful of things that he truly can’t do by himself. Because it’s not many issues, it helps me know that if he’s bugging me about some task, it’s really important to him. Likewise, he knows that I will take care of a lot of the stuff he doesn’t like or can’t do.
Sorry for the long responses. This is clearly something I’ve had an issue with and spent a lot of time thinking about and working through.
lawsuited
DH forgets to do things like calling the insurance company too (and so do I), so when I remind him, I ask him to put a reminder in his phone during our conversation. It helps his memory a lot.
padi
I am surprised too. For me, a guy not helping and pitching in on something like wedding planning or even household tasks is a capital D Dealbreaker.
I did end a serious relationship where he was about to propose for just these reasons.
I think asking a groom to pick out his groomsmen in time for fittings and final arrangements is very reasonable thing for a bride to ask.
Anonymous
Right, its a deal breaker for a lot of people. But thats what literally everyone is saying- you either deal with it or you dont. You cant magically turn him into something else, so figure out ways not to make yourself insane with the little stuff.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this.
It would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.
But I feel like you have two choices: Live with it or leave. Staying and torturing him about it isn’t good for either of you.
Anon Also Planning a Wedding
Agree. Maybe he will slowly come around and realize how important planning is to you and take a more active role. If he does, AWESOME. But you can’t make him do it.
I tried, early in our relationship, telling my fiancé how important certain things are to me. Then I tried yelling about it. Neither worked well. So I decided I could (a) do them myself and be happy with him (price of admission and all) or (b) leave. I chose (a). Lo and behold, once I stopped nagging, he started (on his own) helping out more and more. He fully admits that this stuff is not at all important to him, but that he does it because he knows it matters to me and he considers it “keeping the peace between our tribes”. But I can guarantee you that we did not reach this place by my asking/begging/lecturing/being a b*tch about it (which is certainly what I was doing – I’m not saying you were doing the same).
AnonInfinity
I’m usually your husband in this scenario. I have a successful career, and I’m capable of being on top of things, but it takes so much energy to do that at work that I don’t always have the energy and drive to do it in my personal life. My husband is like you. He never procrastinates on anything, and gets very impatient with my often lackadaisical attitude about life tasks. He would get really overbearing (in my opinion) about whatever task, and then I would get irritated and react by putting it off.
Honestly, the only thing that helped us was counseling. We went for about 2-3 months several years ago, and our marriage has improved exponentially since then. It helped me understand that it makes him truly anxious when I don’t take care of something, and it helped him understand that I don’t have the same talents/mental energy that he has. Understanding each other in that way helped BOTH of us — He has calmed way down about these details, and I make a bigger effort to help out because I don’t want him to feel anxious. We both had to change to make it work, though. Over time, he learned that I would take care of the important stuff, and I learned that we could coexist with no one nagging.
Another thing is that when something is really really important to him, he will essentially make the arrangements and tell me where to show up and when or what to sign. In other words, he makes it as easy as possible on me. I do the same for him when something is really important to me and he’s putting it off. It’s just part of being a team.
Deadlines?
Thank you– I actually really appreciate this.
Katie
As a planner married to a non-planner, I feel you. I’ve learned to let go as much as I can, and let him deal with the fallout. If it impacts both of us, I ask him to do something concrete, and he’ll do it. So he’s responsible for gifts for his side of the family (which often means they don’t get gifts, or he’s out shopping the day of! Not my problem), and I’m not going to worry if he doesn’t remember to send his suit to the cleaners before a wedding.
I’ve also helped him understand just how much mental energy I expend on running our household by showing him all of the “invisible” work I do (keeping a stocked pantry and toiletries, menu planning, planning any events we host, keeping our paperwork organized, doing taxes), and he’s totally game for being errand boy and doing plenty of housework as long as I just tell him what I need done. So I order the dog’s flea and tick and keep track of when we need to order kibble and trim his nails and clean his ears, and he takes the dog to the vet and runs out when we need something for him last minute. It works out pretty well and I really feel like we have a pretty equal, if different, division of labor.
Anon
This is kind of how we are too. My husband is completely willing to help out, but I do have to give him some direction if I want certain things done a certain way. If I just ask him to pick up the house, it will not get done how I want. Or if I just say–can you go grocery shopping, we will have an interesting mix of items haha. But I can ask him to sweep and mop the front rooms and that will get done or I can give him a grocery list and he will go shopping. It took me a couple years to realize this (because I keep a running grocery list in my head and so when I go shopping I know we need more cooking oil or whatever.) He doesn’t keep this same list for whatever reason.
To the OP: I would be annoyed if he hadn’t squared away his groomsmen yet. That is not an unreasonable thing to ask. I would maybe have a serious conversation about why.
Baconpancakes
I’ve wrestled with this in pretty much every relationship I’ve ever had. Being the responsible managing party in a relationship, or as my mother puts it, “the cruise director,” is emotionally and mentally exhausting, even if your partner does whatever you ask him or her to do. You have to keep in your head the running list of what needs to be done, note that it needs to be done, and make sure it happens. Exactly like being a manager, which is a job. Some things, like keeping the running grocery list, can just be divided tasks. Keeping track of the grocery list, fine, that’s my job, whatever. It’s your job to make sure the cats are always fed and up to date on their shots. If you’re busy, you can ask me to do the job for you, and I’ll be happy to do so, but I won’t remember that it needs to be done.
My fledgling relationship seems to be doing ok in this regard. I’m a big planner, my SO is not. So far, we’ve compromised well in that we make firm plans for some events or weekends and I relax and leave the rest of the time unscheduled. I’m worried about when we move in together and have to share/compromise on household things, but I’ve found that treating him like an adult and assuming he will be able to take care of things results in a higher chance of him actually taking care of things.
I was surprised by the number of “it’s your issue” responses here. This is important to her and it’s causing her a lot of stress. Sure, it’s not something he cares about, and doesn’t see the reasoning behind her getting worked up about it so she can’t expect him to be as invested in it, but to a certain extent, aren’t the things that are important to her supposed important to her fiance?
Isn’t that kind of what marriage is supposed to be about?
nutella
I think the point that people were trying to make is that number and appearance of groomsmen maybe isn’t the hill she wants to die on, but to choose her battles. She chose wedding examples first and then later elaborated that he does it with life insurance, too. Many posters then said that while the life insurance point was something that should be important to both of them (and thus suggested how to make that work), that it wasn’t/shouldn’t be of the same magnitude as number and appearance of groomsmen.
TBK
Yes, but the question boiled down to “how can I make him…” and the answer is you can never “make” someone else do anything. The real question is, if this is who he is and how he acts, can you live with that? Maybe he’ll change and, if so, awesome. But most people don’t change, so be happy marrying the person you have, or don’t marry him. You can’t marry the person you hope someone will be.
kc esq
One point on bigger couple division-of-labor issues: it is all well and good for some to say things like the number of groomsmen doesn’t matter. But maybe the OP is getting some of this heat from her FMIL. And down the road, it might be, sending a thank you card to cousin Betsy or who knows what that her husband doesn’t care about. To some degree, if his family ties are bringing obligations, those obligations shouldn’t default solely to the woman because the man gets to be cool and doesn’t care if no one gets thank you cards. I think it’s perfectly valid to say, you need to do something that has an impact on your/ our family — and you’re not the bad guy for making him do his homework, so to speak. Because if Grandma doesn’t get a thank you card, she is going to blame the woman. Which sucks.
Wildkitten
This – those obligations shouldn’t default solely to the woman because the man gets to be cool and doesn’t care if no one gets thank you cards
Wildkitten
I think you should get pre-marital counseling. Having these things on the to do list but undone is really stressful to you, and it’s not stressful to your fiance. You both probably need to adjust – you be less stressed, him be more stressed – because it’s not fair to have one person do all of the worrying in a marriage, and set all of these deadlines, and clean up if the things don’t get done by the deadline. This is about planning a party but there will be harder things – like getting kids registered for preschool or renewing your homeowners insurance – and I worry they would all fall on you if you don’t talk about it like now with a professional.
Wildkitten
Sociologists sometimes call the management of familial duties “worry work,” and the person who does it the “designated worrier,” because you need large reserves of emotional energy to stay on top of it all.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/10/opinion/sunday/judith-shulevitz-mom-the-designated-worrier.html?_r=0
Anonx
My husband is the King of indecisiveness. He just wants everything to be tentative. For example, he always wants to book SouthWest Airlines only when we go for a vacation so that he has the flexibility to cancel it the night before flying or he wants the vacation where we can drive so that we can cancel it if need be. I have not seen him making any big decisions. He wanted to postpone our wedding after everything was decided. I just had told him that it was on the decided date or never. He will procrastinate making decision so much that eventually something would get decided on its own and he doesn’t have to make any decision. For example, when we were looking to buy a real estate property, he didn’t decide anything for two weeks and the propety got sold to some body else. His friends also are the same kind so they get along very well (They actually look at me like an alien). He doesn’t even think about the future. His argument is he doesn’t have all the information necessary to think and plan for the future.
I am a big planner and I want to schedule everything, have goals and works towards them. It was difficult for me to adjust to this kind of behavior. But I have come to terms with it. I just don’t wait for him to decide anything that is time critical. I discuss with him, but I just say he can tell me what he thinks by certain time. If he cannot decide anything, I will go ahead and make the decision and he just has to accept it and should not complain about it. It has worked well for us. I have taken decisions single handedly about buying property, retirement planning, vacations, insurance plans etc. I feel that he is almost relieved that he didn’t have to decide on anything and he doesn’t complain if something doesn’t turn out to be perfect. I am relieved that things don’t stay in the limbo forever and we have a plan. The next big decision that I have to take is about having children and I don’t think he will decide on it either. Every time I talk about it, he asks what is the hurry. The hurry is I am 32 and he is 36. Sometimes, it gets tiring but other good qualities he has make it bearable.
SC
It may be a little late in the afternoon for you to read this, but I am also the type-A/planner person in our relationship, and my husband often has a difficult time doing things by a particular deadline. Often, he does not have the emotional energy to deal with tasks, and he has an inflexible job where he is unable to focus on personal things during the day. One strategy that has helped us is to start with the results/reasons and work backwards. For example, I might say, “Honey, the room block closes in just one month, and I checked airline prices today, and they went up $50. Your groomsmen may not be able to travel if it gets too expensive, or if they can, it might hurt them more financially. After all, John’s in grad school. When do you think is a good time to ask them?” I just point out the natural consequences, but he decides when and how he’s going to do something.
Also, if my husband keeps procrastinating on something he’s agreed to do, it helps to ask him why he hasn’t done something. If I don’t confront him, and he has space to think about and communicate his feelings about the task, we can decide together how to move forward. If he’s busy, I might be able to take on or outsource something else on his list. If he’s overwhelmed or nervous about a big project, I might work on the project with him. If it’s no longer important to him or never was, we can reevaluate together whether we’re going to do it at all. The important thing is that open communication about why he hasn’t done something that’s been languishing on his to-do list is much more productive than confrontation.
Finally, are you really just stressed about the groomsmen? When I get really busy and stressed at work, I tend to freak out if our house is messy, when typically I would ignore the same mess. It’s really just an excuse to take my stress out on my husband. He started calling me on it a few years ago, and I’ve tried really hard to stop doing it. In your posts, it sounds like you’re not just stressed about the groomsmen, but about everything you have to do for the wedding. If so, you need to find a way to reduce your overall wedding stress. Talk to your fiance and come up with a plan. Can he or a family member handle more? Can you afford to hire a wedding planner? Can he cook dinner a few times a week and give you an hour to get wedding-related items off your to-do list? You both need to approach wedding planning as a team.
Frustrated
Two weeks ago, we had a ton of lawyers out in my department. While covering for what felt like half the country, and working sick because I didn’t really have a choice with no coverage, an attorney asked me to compare two paragraphs of a contract she’d been working on for a few months. Being a locked Word document, I just went through and looked for changes from one version to the other.
Well, for whatever reason, opposing counsel was able to put a chunk of text in with a couple of added and deleted words that didn’t show up as a tracked change within the “chunk” of changed text, if that makes sense. Now the attorney I did it for, which is technically my supervisor, is making a huge production out of this and saying she can’t trust my work, and sent me a three page hysterical email last night at 8pm. I know it was a “miss” on my part, but I’ve been here 3 years and never missed something like this before. Additionally, she’s accusing me of making us “look bad” to the other side. I’m so upset, I’m not even sure how to approach this.
My gut says to just own the mistake, but also remind her I was covering for half the country and working sick, and with this kind of locked document, if the other side is making changes that are untracked, that’s a shady move on his part as well.
Part of me just wants to profusely apologize, remind her that I was working sick and covering for several other attorneys (including her) that week, and try to move past it. The other part of me is freaking out, sure that I’m going to get fired. The third very small part of me is aggravated that she couldn’t take a minute to look at one paragraph in a contract she’s been working on for months, and instead dumped it off on me.
We’ve had some…”regime change” around here and she is newly my supervisor. I think this is the first time she’s ever supervised another attorney, rather than just an admin or a paralegal. Since this has happened, I feel like she is just waiting around to “catch me out” on a mistake so she can “supervise.” So that’s probably adding to the anxiety.
Anonymous
dont you just save the document as your version and then you can track redline it with the old one? Locking the document doesnt prevent you from being able to redline it.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m a little confused at relying on “track changes” to show all changes, if that’s what OP is describing. It’s pretty easy to accept a change while making revisions with track changes on, and that change won’t show up (for example, we do that when fixing a font error and sending an internal draft to client–client doesn’t care to spend time reviewing the bubble showing that we fixed that random one letter that was in size 11). You have got to save all drafts you receive from opposing counsel as a new version and run your own redline–don’t trust theirs.
CountC
I am a little confused as well. Even if it’s a locked document, can’t you copy and paste the paragraphs into new documents and then run a compare? I don’t ever trust the other side/customers/whoever, so I always find a way to run a compare.
I would apologize, say what you will do to prevent this mistake in the future, and then move on. Do not make excuses – she doesn’t care, she just knows you didn’t catch these changes. If the document had gotten signed with the unacceptable changes in it, that would not be good. I would however, try not to take the hysterical email personally. I think most people who have worked in a law firm have gotten a late night hysterical email that was just that, the partner/supervisor being hysterical in the moment. Don’t respond to the hysteria, respond to the fact that she caught your mistake. If that makes sense.
Now, in the future, always run a compare. I don’t think you will get fired over it, just be more careful moving forward.
Bonnie
It is possible to pull up edits to word documents even if you save as. That’s why we always convert to PDF before sending anything out to opposing counsel.
You’ve already admitted your mistake so don’t profusely apologize. Hopefully it just blows over.
KT
So I wouldn’t make excuses–working sick and covering for people doesn’t change the fact that you made a mistake. You shouldn’t have relied on track changes, you should have done your own side by side comparison.
I would apologize, say you realize what you did wrong, and it won’t happen again. Then make sure all your work is exemplary.
kc esq
This stuff always feels like the biggest deal as it’s happening, but it’s really not that bad. Fall on your sword quickly and be done with it. If it’s not too late, perhaps you can try drafting a cover email to the other side explaining why you are backtracking and show it to the supervisor as a concrete step to fix the issue. And leave out the fact that you’re sick in all of this.
Frustrated
To clarify the “track changes” issue – these are proprietary, locked documents so it shouldn’t be possible to make changes without them being tracked, absent some document hacking or something else funny going on. You can’t run a compare, either, because of the locked document issue. They aren’t fun to work with.
That being said, still a miss, still my mistake.
Spoke with attorney today, did apologize, and now I get the “punishment” of being treated like a paralegal. She wants to see ALL of my work for the next few weeks. How she’ll have time, I have no idea. I’ve been here almost 3 years, this is the first time I’ve made this kind of stupid mistake, and now
Frustrated
(hit post early!)
..now basically I’m being treated like ALL of my work is suspect. So demoralizing. But definitely par for the course with this new “supervisor.” It feels like she is much more interested in “control” than actually being a leader and helping me produce work the way the department wants things done.
CountC
Next time you have a locked document, copy and paste the language into a new document, save, and then run a compare from there. That has worked for me in the past.
CountC
GRRR No edit, I mean make two new documents, then run the compare. Pain in the butt, but it works.
Clementine
Alternately (and yes, this only works if you have another literate human with a pulse), if I’m ever comparing two documents that look near identical and text compare is not an option, I find someone else and read one document aloud while the other person reads along.
You wouldn’t believe the tricky little additions I’ve caught over the years…
Senior Attorney
Yes. This is the best way to make sure you don’t miss anything.
Anonymous
And if it’s not possible to copy/paste because of the lock, have your assistant retype the paragraphs at issue into two new documents.
Frustrated
Assistant! I wish!
No, we have no admin support here. Huge company, we employ LOTS of admins, but…even though they are supposed to provide the legal department with one, my supervisor won’t push back so we don’t get one. But otherwise really good tips – I’ll either copy / paste and run a compare, or I’ll retype the darn paragraphs myself and run a compare. You can bet it is a mistake I’ll never make again!
CountC
Trust me, I completely sympathize that doing it this way is a complete PITA, but sometimes we don’t get to do the fun stuff you know?!
Frustrated
Totally get it! Such a stupid mistake. I really am kicking myself.
To make it even more awesome, I go on maternity leave in 3 weeks. Not that it matters…but she’s taking the “well I’ll just look at ALL of your stuff for the next three weeks since I should know everything that is going on anyway” (this is true) and we’ll address the “trust” issue when you come back from leave.”
Alice the Pointy Haired
Thank you to everyone who recommended places to go on our vacation! I never thought about Japan, but we are on the West Coast, and that would be a shorter flight than Europe, so that’s a positive!. We’re still in discussions, so I appreciate every suggestion! I REALLY want to go to London; London Leisure Year thank you for your suggestions. I have to convince my husband to go back to London, and I would love to go during Christmas. So my fingers are crossed for that! Or Morocco, or Japan, or Germany…lol clearly I can’t make up my mind.
Gail the Goldfish
I missed a chance to weigh in yesterday, but I’ve been to Japan over New Year’s (Kyoto and Kobe area) and recommend it. It was cold (it snowed a couple of days), but still a lot of fun (and the temples looked awesome with snow on them), and I imagine it was a lot less crowded than it would have been in the summer. I would say you might want to hire a guide or at least a driver to get around–I was visiting a friend and think I might have had some problems navigating if I didn’t have a Japanese speaker with me. For Kyoto, we hired a driver and it was very convenient.
Anonymous
The skiing is Japan is also fantastic!
Anon
Japan is awesome fun! Stay in Tokyo for night life and modern beat, but if you’re into a relaxing vacation, then the Kyoto/Kobe region is better. Great scenery, plenty of shops, Geisha historic district, a train ride away from Osaka and Himeji Castle, and you can go to the highly rated Arima hot springs nearby as well. Just make sure you don’t have any tattoos before booking the hot springs though.
Anon lawyer
Need the hive’s input on something. I’m a lawyer at a small law firm and one of the more senior lawyers (but still pretty junior in the grand scheme of things) that’s actually in the office. There’s a new office opening up that’s right next to the two named partners and I get to choose if I want that office or stay in my current office. That’s a pretty high traffic area but right next to the lawyers I work with most of the time. My boss is also the type of guy who will give work to the person he sees first so I would be in the forefront. It’s also a bit louder on that side of the office. The other con would be that the partners would be able to see if I walk in late (which unfortunately happens more often than it should)
My office is tucked away in a back corner so it’s quiet and I get a lot of work done but sometimes feel like I get forgotten about. I’m already set up here but it’s probably not a big deal to move.
I’m stuck because while my current office is great for getting work done, I think being high profile and letting the partners see how much I’m working is good for my future here.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
Anonymous
I’d move to the new office.
Anonymous
Of course you move. And stop coming in late
Diana Barry
+1.
pockets
What’s more important to you, putting yourself front and center in hopes that it will advance your career or kind of flying under the radar in hopes that you can maintain a reasonably laid back job without getting fired? I’d personally choose the latter and stay where I was. But if you choose the former, then you should move.
Blonde Lawyer
I really like your reply. It recognizes that not everyone is gunning for partner or to be the best in their career. Some people just want a paycheck and that is okay too.
ace
+1. Brilliant analysis.
KT
Visibility (in this case, literally) is key. Take the office. And seriously work on not coming in late.
Anon lawyer
Thanks everyone – you’re right. I am working on the late thing, I’m just a horrible morning person. Will probably tell the partners I want that office!
DisenchantedinDC
Just had a friend go off to law school. It’s a little preemptive, but any ideas of things I could put in a small box for a mid-terms care package? I want to put it on my calendar now with a couple ideas, because if I don’t it’ll sneak up on me and I’ll end up sending an edible arrangement or something.
She’s not a coffee/alcohol drinker. (I just sent my BFF a stash of espresso while she was studying for the bar, but sadly can’t repeat)
Would appreciate any ideas/advice!
Former Partner, Now In-House
Chocolate.
Goofy pens with feathers on the top (a la Elle Woods).
Chocolate.
Silly magazines.
Chocolate.
Trail mix/nuts/similiar.
Chocolate.
Wildkitten
Highlighters.
Baconpancakes
Shelf-stable microwave meals, like the kind you get at Trader Joe’s.
MJ
What a thoughtful thing to do!
When I was in law school, my amazing best friend send me a finals care package (most schools don’t have midterms anymore, FYI), and it had Starbucks gift card, lip balm, nice hand lotion, some candy that she knew I liked, and a really lovely, encouraging card that said, “You can do this.” It was so fantastic. Send it to arrive right around Thanksgiving, and that will be just right. And send a card in late Sept/early Oct. just telling her that you are thinking of her. Just having outside world contact was so helpful for me, especially because I missed my non-school life and friends.
CountC
Shots, shots, shots.
CountC
Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Senior Attorney
Gah! I had a big party on Sunday night and the house is still in a bit of disarray. Dishes are washed but not put away, patio still a bit disheveled.
Just got an email from a friend saying “Confirming lunch today. Meet at your house at noon. Excited to finally see it!”
Sure hope I can sneak out in time to put things in order!!
/first world problems
New Tampanian
Has anyone ever found / purchased a moisture wicking dress? Part of my position will require me to be outside during very warm weather, walking around at events. I’d like to wear a dress as it will be much cooler than a full on suit. I’d prefer that the dress be long enough not to be scandalous – cap sleeves or sleeveless (but not thin straps). Any suggestions? Also – I need it in black or a red/orange color. Appreciate the help!
Runner 5
Thinking laterally – unlined wool might work to an extent? Wool is what I call ‘nature’s wonder fibre’ for it’s amazing properties.
Wildkitten
Check Patagonia. I don’t know if they’ll have anything formal enough, but if they do it’d be perfect?
Gift delivery options - anything else?
Hive, I’d like to send my mom a gift and I’m running out of the standard options of flowers/food/jewelry from amazon/proflowers etc. Not the most creative. It does need to be something I can order online and have delivered since I am living in a different country. Any ideas? If you could get any surprise gift via mail, what would you want?
Anon
I would want Harry and David pears.
Senior Attorney
Gift card to a store she likes?
Kitchen stuff? I always enjoy upgrades of things like potholders and dish towels.
Membership to a museum in her town?
If she drinks, bar stuff like cocktail shakers or wine stoppers are fun.
Hollis
Books or movies/DVDs. Amazon Fire or Echo. New slippers or socks. I sent a breakfast basket from Stonewall Kitchen once with pancake mix, syrup, etc. and the recipient liked that.
D
I so want to support women clothing startups like MMLaFleur and OfMercer but I found their clothing off the mark from initial promises and rather pricey.
MMLaFleur has been working off the model of jacking up their dress prices from $150 to approx $195 as a base price keeping only the Annie at $165and now includes belts (retail price $35 for a super skinny belt I could grab at uniqlo for $10). I really wish they wouldn’t force the belt on me. They’ve also been moving less machine washable and eliminating pockets from their dress. Either due to cost or the way it fits. Sometimes I just want to pop a phone or badge in to a pocket. I really wanted the Nisa but it fits wayy too wide on the shoulders.
OfMercer forgot to pack two dresses into my shipment, which was rather frusrating and had very few measurements on their website. They have a tendency of calling everything dry clean even though it’s polyester. I just ran one of their dresses through the wash and it came out beautifully.
Anyhooo. Anyone have inspiration for a dress with pockets, machine washable, no exposed zipper, at least slight shoulder coverage approx 36-38 length dress under $200 or am I being unreasonable?
moss
You could try travelsmith. And so could the poster looking for a wicking dress. Travel dresses are structured and washable usually.
moss
this one is on sale up to size 18, four colors, silk, two pockets on top http://www.travelsmith.com/passport-silk-shirtdress/sale-clearance/clearance/women/dresses/713031?isCrossSell=true&strategy=76
Alice the Pointy Haired
Boden? I know it’s not a startup, but they have dresses that would fit your needs. I found MM LaFleur to not have reliable measurements, and the quality just isn’t at the level I want it if I am going to be spending that much money on clothes. I realize that they charge more because they are US made, startup, etc., but I don’t think I am their target customer.
L in DC
Check the Nordstrom website for Classiques Entiers dresses. They fit your description and frequently go on sale in the $130 range.