How to Stay Happily Married
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What are your best tips for staying happily married or partnered? Readers had a great threadjack a while ago, and with Valentine's Day approaching, I thought it would be a good time to round up some of the best ideas.
We've talked a lot about issues around marriage, including financial ones (how to decide who manages the money in your family, how to talk about money with your partner, and how to decide whether to combine your finances), how to keep the spark, who is at the forefront of your marriage, and all about the love languages. (We've also talked about why and how to start couples' therapy… and a divorce lawyers' tips on what to know before you do anything.)
If you're still hunting for love, readers recently shared how they met their partners, and readers also shared their best dating advice for career-driven women and discussed the best ways to meet new people. (Kat's also shared her best advice on finding time to date when you're super busy.)
How to STay Happily Married: Readers' Best Advice and Tips!
First, here was the ask that kicked off the discussion:
for those who’ve been *happily* married for a long time – is there anything specific you did in the early days that you feel has really helped? Or, choices you make every day?
The reader explained that she had been happily married for six months, but both she and her partner came from “divorced parents who had very unhappy marriages,” so she thought she'd ask for advice.
You Have to Like Each Other…
One reader noted:
You have to like each other in addition to loving each other. So, keep investing in the activities that deepen your friendship, even if it’s simple as watching a TV show together. Go on a walk after dinner. Whatever it is, the point is that you’re seeking each other as refuge from the rest of the world and its pressures. We’ve been married 21 years, and I believe we’re both very happy because the friendship stays at the forefront. Makes it easier to work through the tougher stuff that will come up.
Another noted that after 18 years, “[m]y husband is still my favorite person to actually talk to and do stuff with…. we still just genuinely love being together and hanging out doing whatever. Being compatible as trusted best friends first has taken us through all the hard periods.”
Yet reader agreed that keeping the friendship is key. “I just genuinely like hanging out with my husband, and we cook together, go on walks, share articles, etc. It might sound kind of silly to text a URL to your spouse, but it gives us something more to talk about at dinner or on a walk.”
One reader wanted to emphasize the importance of having fun with your partner: “There have been times in our marriage when we’ve been more and less romantic (physically or emotionally). I’m convinced that the romance always comes back because the underlying humor and fun never goes away.”
… And Be Nice To Each Other
This may be obvious advice, but it sometimes has to be a choice to be nice. One reader joked that it may be “controversial,” but she and her husband say ‘please' and ‘thank you' every day. She also acknowledged that there would be days when you're irritable or angry, but try to let that be the exception and not the norm.
Another agreed with this:
YES to be nice to each other! We also say please and thank you, and I believe it’s good for our kids to see that, too. It was something I learned from my parents. Their marriage is very traditional in most ways and not exactly what I wanted for myself, but it has always, always been clear that they appreciate each other’s contributions. That makes a big difference.
Still another reader said: “Be kind. We say please and thank you. We look for ways to do things for the other person that will bring them moments of joy.”
Being grateful is a big part of this! One reader noted, “Be generous with expressing gratitude. I say thank you even when my husband does things he’s “supposed” to do (e.g. when it’s his night to do the dishes). Because I’m still very grateful to not have to do it myself!”
Another reader emphasized being respectful to your husband, noting “Never disparage or tease him in public. When friends complain about their husbands, don’t commiserate. It’s disrespectful to him and makes you look for things to complain about.”
Communicate
This advice is key! As one reader put it: “Communicate. Don’t assume the other person can read your mind and then get mad when they don’t do what you want.”
Another reader noted, “Do not let frustration and anger fester. Resentment is the killer. If something’s bothering you, talk about it. Learn how to argue without getting mean and with the mutual goal of solving the problem, not being ‘right.'”
Another reader reiterated that spouses are not mind readers. “Tell each other when you’re having a bad day. Some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Warn your partner that you’re off that day. Spouses are not mind readers – use words and tell the spouse whatever is going on in life.”
Arguments can be really hard for some couples. One reader cautioned: “Watch how you fight. There are things that cannot be unsaid, please remember that.”
Another reader suggested therapy if you need to learn how to argue, noting that she and her husband had “5 very successful sessions with a counselor . . . who gave us some shared language for how to frame a complaint (“When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and so I need Z .”) and how to put an argument “in a box on the shelf” when we need to go to an event or take care of the kids as a united front and then take it out again later to finish the argument.”
Join the Team
A number of readers noted that you really have to both think of each other as a team. As one reader put it:
Consciously shift to using “ours” vs. “mine.” Our house, our decision, our money. If he makes a decision that you don’t agree with, doesn’t matter – to anyone outside of you, it was “our” decision and you’ll defend it as if it were your own. …
Take the position that you are always on the same team. e.g. if you have arguments about housework, the problem is always the housework, not him, and you are on the same team trying to figure it out.
One reader noted: “[m]y husband and I joke that it’s us vs the kids, we’re like border collies working together to herd the sheep. And really good at communicating with our eyes.”
Remain Your Own Person
Readers agreed with the advice that you should like your spouse, but a number also noted that you should strive for a balance of doing things together as well as doing things on your own — to be a team but to remain your own person.
One reader noted that in her 15-year marriage, “we’re both happiest when we are able to pursue individual hobbies and interests as well as stuff we do together and stuff we do with the family. … [F]or me the downs are always when I feel like I’ve lost myself because I’m giving too much to external things. Even things I love like my family.”
Another reader went even further, noting that you should listen with interest to your partner's individual hobbies, and encourage them in their efforts. She noted, “I don’t think any relationship of any kind can survive being together all the time.”
Another reader noted that outside friendships can be a struggle in midlife, so she and her husband “default to yes when the other gets invited to something fun. We don’t keep score and we encourage the other to say yes, whether it’s a pricy girls weekend or just someone’s birthday drinks on a busy weeknight, we always try to make it happen for each other if possible. We also default to yes when it comes to gym and workout time.”
Respect Your Differences
One reader noted that as she's been married, it's become clear that they may need different things (extrovert vs introvert, different love languages, etc.) but that talking about those needs in a neutral way was key. Her example: “Hey I love you, but I’m exhausted and need to be alone for a few hours. it has nothing to do with you, I’m just going to be a recluse tonight” instead of assuming we can read each other’s minds and stewing until something sets us off when we’re accidentally on different pages.
A slightly different take on this: respect that you may do things differently, and that's OK. Sheryl Sandburg famously advised to “let the man put the diaper on the baby's head,” noting that he would figure out the correct way on his own. Readers had advice along those lines, noting “[w]hen it comes to keeping a house together or raising children together, you both have to have your roles, even if your partner does things differently than you’d do them yourself. Stay out of it.”
You may notice that you and your partner have different standards when it comes to, say, the cleanliness of your home. One reader advised that “if something causes resentment due to differing standards, see if you can outsource it.”
Keep Getting to Know Each Other As You Change
It's a natural part of life to change. As one reader put it, “Let one another shift and change and grow, and as you do, get to know each other again. And again, and again.”
Some readers noted that experiencing new things together is key to helping both of you grow together. “Find new things to experience together. Supposedly novelty is one of the most important things in building lasting bonds, and that can be anything from trying a new restaurant, taking a cooking class, finding a new hike or traveling.”
Choose to Be Married
One reader noted that part of the success of her 25-year marriage was, effectively, choosing to remain married. As she noted:
A certain degree of stubbornness and commitment to remaining in the marriage has helped us through tough spots. Trying to at least be superficially kind to each other when you’re going through a tough spot helps too. Learn how to express when you’re crabby or just feeling off, for reasons unrelated to spouse, and need some space. Do fun, joyful things together.
Another reader put it slightly differently, noting that both partners need to decide that they would rather be happy than right. She continued, “[d]on’t pick at each other/pick your battles. You both do stuff that drives the other person nuts if they let it. Both try to minimize the things you do that drive him nuts and overlook the things he does where you feel the same.” Along those lines, she also noted:
Focus on the reasons you married each other and do not fixate on the things that make you each crazy. The grass really is greener where you water it. Water the good grass and try to avoid the weeds. Maybe this goes with the “don’t pick at each other” comment above.
I love all of this advice!! What are your best tips on how to stay happily married, readers? If you (like me) agree with all of it, do you have a #1 tip?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Say thank you all the time, for everything. It costs nothing.
Have fun together and go on adventures in the outdoors, away from the responsibilities of daily life (and screens!). Seeing your spouse kill it on the ski slope or trying surfing for the first time is super sexy.
Don’t be passive aggressive. If you have an issue, address it directly. It might be uncomfortable in the moment but it’s far better in the long run.
See, my spouse is one of those “say thank you” people and how that ends up working out is he gets thanked for everything he does and I get thanked for, like, a third of the things I do. I’m not down with that.
Lol. I’m imagining what I say to my kids.
“Excuse me, someone did a thoughtful thing for you, what do you say now…?”
Drop the resentment
If you want him to say thank you, ask him to.
Or come up with a signal – high five yourself or say “I appreciate myself” or literally say, can you please show your appreciation for my efforts?
Use your words out loud to the person who loves you and you love
+1. See the third tip, don’t be passive aggressive. “Hey, I have to admit that I feel hurt when you don’t say thank you for the things I do around the house, especially since you have told me that saying thank you is important to you. I’d love if the gratitude could go both ways, because I agree it makes the household nicer.”
I agree wholeheartedly with all these. On one of my first dates with my husband, I asked him about his marriage with his late wife, and he said “Well, she was always nice to me, and I was always nice to her, so there was really never anything to fight about.” And right then I thought “THIS! I want some of THIS!” And now I have it and it’s great.
My mom says that she and my dad both believe that it’s important to be nice and polite and have good manners towards the people you love the most who see you all the time, instead of, say, presenting an edited cultured version of yourself outside the house and then coming home and ripping off the mask and being rude or mean or selfish to the people you love. Even little things – saying please, excuse me, blessing sneezes, doing nice things like getting coffee for the other or doing a chore the first time it is asked, or discussing things together as if you’re on the same team and colleagues who need to compromise, can make a big big difference
This makes me feel good about my relatively new marriage – we are, by default, nice to each other. But, because of our personalities, that can sometime result in us not talking about things so we don’t upset the other/avoiding conflict. Figuring out the balance as we go!
I’ve been married 30 years. My tips:
If you have children, continue to make time for your relationship as a couple as well. This can be hard to do, especially in the early years, but it’s so important not to lose that thread. Try to adopt an “in it for the long haul” mindset and recognize that there are phases of life and a long-term relationship. Sometimes things are difficult, but they don’t necessarily stay that way.
Don’t have kids. That is our secret. And then that can help with some of the other challenges: e.g., you will likely have more money, more time to spend together, less stress. (Obviously different for everyone and there are certainly other stressors and expensive things in life.)
From the side of someone who is getting divorced:
If you wouldn’t treat your co-workers or friends that way, do NOT treat your spouse that way.
I cannot tell you how many times we had fights that went along these lines: soon to be ex would be a raging jerk to me. I would get upset. He would be a condescending snot to me for being upset. I would calmly explain until I was blue in the face why the behaviour was upsetting. He would exhibit all of the empathy of a rock. I would finally ask, “Do you – now would you, do you – treat (your colleagues, your parents, your brothers, your friends) that way?” He didn’t, of course. “Then why do you do it to me?”
I think people go wrong by treating marriage as if it’s magically different than other relationships. It isn’t license to behave in ways that would implode a different relationship. Guess what, that doesn’t work in marriage, either.
Congratulations on your divorce! My life got so much better after I got my ex-husband out of my life, it sounds like yours will too.
Me, accustomed to years of passive aggressive sniping: sees “Congratulations on your divorce” and almost cries, thinking it just be sarcastic.
Me, reading the rest: thank you. I’m sorry that you went through that; for divorce to be an improvement, the marriage must have been terrible.
My advice is for couples in the throes of parenting. You have to remember that this is a season and it is just really, really hard when you are juggling two careers and multiple kids with travel sports and bugs picked up at daycare and mountains of laundry to be done. Outsource what you can to reduce the burden. I am in no way suggesting you tolerate mistreatment or stop expecting/demanding participation in parenting, but don’t throw in the towel without trying really hard. If you can, focus on the fact that it is a season, and that on the other side you will find the wonderful person you chose to marry and lots of time to enjoy their company.
I’ve been married 3 years and we’ve been struggling because of his unemployment. I’m frustrated that he’s not doing more around the house with his time off. I strongly suspect he’s depressed but he won’t get counseling.
I’ve been carrying this resentment that there are house projects he could be doing and isn’t. I try not to nag, which means I mention it two or three times and then drop it. Some of these things have needed fixing for months or years. I told him a few weeks ago that I have a lot of resentment in our marriage. To my surprise, he was shocked. Then he became withdrawn and wouldn’t discuss it further.
A few days ago I “nagged” him about something that really needed doing. He grumbled a bit but did it. And I joking-ish-ly said, I don’t get enough credit for all the stuff I DON’T nag you about. He was perplexed and asked what I’m not nagging about. So I sent him my running list of house stuff.
Ladies, he’s knocking things off the list. He’s done more in the past 3 days than the prior 3 years. I’ve really struggled with trying to communicate through his stonewalling. I’m so relieved to have a way to get through to him. And I’m glad he has a sense of purpose and is getting ish done.
So I guess the moral of the story is don’t keep it in. Keep trying. If your hitting a brick wall from one direction then try a different approach.
Thanks for sharing, I didn’t expect such a positive ending.
Chiming in to say that yep, explicit communication about everything, on both sides, is key!
I’ve been married for 17 years, and DH and I learned early on that we need to just say what we mean/want/expect.
On the chores, we realized that we have different areas that we care about. He’s macro clean and I’m micro clean. So he goes around tidying throughout the week, and I spend a chunk of time wiping or disinfecting surfaces. I thought he wasn’t helping me keep the house clean and visa versa. Now we have cleaners, and I try to be better about picking things up, he tries to be better about surfaces cleaning. But we literally made a spreadsheet of how much time each task required to facilitate the discussion.
Same thing if one of us is hungry or tired or generally grumpy. It’s fine to ask, it’s fine to answer truthfully. It’s not fine to make the entire house miserable just because you need a snack. You’re an adult, make yourself a sandwich. I think that safety to ask and answer on both sides means that we prevent a lot of fights because neither one of us is confusing a bad mood for anger or disappointment with the other person.
Sex is important. It’s what keeps you a married couple and not just roommates and co-parents.
Good sex that usually leads to climax for both is important. One sided sex kills marriages.
Agreed, and also general affection and flirting. The physical connectedness is important, not just the single act. Cultivating desire for your spouse is more than just scheduling or having $3x frequently.
Eh? I think it’s not all of that. I wouldn’t say that to anyone IRL. But the friendship, enjoyment of their intellect and humor, shared values, etc. all matter way, way more. I think the opposite happens all too often: Folks overrate the physical from the stuff that actually makes the day-to-day fun AND functional over the long haul.
Yes, but. There are seasons and don’t let this stews you out if you’re both in a phase where you’re not feeling it. Affection is always important, sex not always.
Don’t both WFH at the same time.