ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 241 Comments

Thursday’s TPS Report: Cashmere Basic V-Cardigan

·
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Inhabit Cashmere Basic V-CardiganSo. Many. Good. Sales! Nordstrom, Bergdorf Goodman, Last Call… and now one more for you: the Inhabit sample sale is going on, with savings of up to 80% off their amazing cashmere. Seriously, my Inhabit sweater is one of the softest I own. I take issue with the styling on the site — everyone looks unhappy that they've had ill-fitting sweaters yanked on top of their regular outfits — but hey. This basic V-cardigan was $338, now marked to $101.40. It's available in three colors: “vapor” (pictured), brown, and light beige. Inhabit Cashmere Basic V-Cardigan Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)  

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

241 Comments

  1. does anyone have the Theory sorcha blouse and can comment on sizing? i wear a 2 jacket in theory suits which fit perfectly (not too big or small, but snug and fitting) and these blouses are sized XS (0-2) and S (4-6). for some clothing lines I am an XS others an S to be work appropriate. i am not a small 2…definitely not size zero. given that some of theory’s stuff can run really small…i am a bit inclined to size up to a small (4-6) but this shirt is cut kinda boxy and i don’t want to look like Stevie Nicks at work if the 4-6 ends up being too big….

    1. i don’t have this particular top, but i own a fair amount of theory and while yes, they run small, i’ve always found their sizing to be consistent. i’d order based on your jacket size.

  2. Oh thanks heavens for an early post today… Threadjack right off the bat: I know this topic has been discussed before but my best googling all morning can’t find what I’m looking for. My best friend’s father passed away very suddenly last night. She lives out of state but is flying back home (where I still live) for the funeral etc. What are the best things to say/do? I’m thinking of swinging buy her parent’s home with some food (and just dropping it off and leaving if she/they do not want visitors), and obviously attending the wake/funeral. I remember someone talking about sending a care package for her to receive when she returns back to her home after the funeral – what did people suggest including in that? Is there anything that she and her family might want/need during the coming days (besides food – although suggestions on the best kind of food to bring are welcome)? I know there’s no “perfect” way to act in this situation but I just want to be there for her the best possible way. Please help – obviously TIOTE.

    1. My church has a group that provides food for families in this situation. We’ve had a couple of funerals where a large group of family came in from out of town and were staying with the elderly bereaved relatives. We provided meals that could be heated and served easily. I’ve made things like pasta with chicken and mushrooms and spinach or pasta with eggplant. Make sure you take them in pans that don’t need to be returned (creating problems for the family later). They’d probably also appreciate a nice salad, fruit or vegetable, and desserts. I made an apple crisp for the last family and they loved it – the only problem was that I wasn’t able to provide the ice cream to go with it.

      You’re a good friend for doing this. It’s not always easy when you’re working and have a busy schedule, but it’s really appreciated by the families.

      1. If the family is going to be having people back to the house for a post-funeral meal or longer you could also bring supplies such as trash bags, paper goods (napkins, small plates, towels, tissues, and toilet paper) and aluminum foil for wrapping up leftovers. In some traditions people are expected to visit the mourners for a week, or for several days. You could also offer to drive mourners to/from the airport or even to/from the funeral or cemetery depending on need or tradition. (Some folks prefer to restrict gravesite matters to very immediate family only.)

        If you can’t ask first, keep it simple re the household goods (just trash bags, foil, and napkins) and offer to bring more items if needed. My suggestions come from within the Jewish community where traditionally the direct mourners/immediate family are not supposed to attend to ordinary details. People from other traditions might be surprised to be asked about such matters!

        One more logistical possibility: It’s common for a Jewish family to have a tray sent to from a caterer to the home where the family will gather. If you’re not so intimately connected to the deceased or the mourners you could offer to stay at that home during the funeral to meet the caterer. Finally, yes, stay in touch not just during the immediate bereavement but to check in and listen in the weeks and months to come. Whatever you do, you’re a good soul to step up to help. YMMV depending on your own other work & family obligations!

    2. Whenever my mom brought people food in situations like this she always brought food that was either easily reheated or could be eaten cold and could be shared with a large group – so casseroles or lasagnas or the sort or trays of cold cuts with all the sandwich fixings or a big thing of homemade pasta salad. Something like that.

      As far as sending something home to meet her there, I always think that’s a really nice idea. I’ve seen people suggest a box with a nice card and a collection of healthy snacks (since when she gets home she may still not really be up for feeding herself) and maybe a couple of books or dvds she might enjoy to distract herself.

      The real key though, I think, is being there in a month or two when the initial wave of support ends but the grieving hasn’t. That can be the hardest time. That’s when you should call and let her talk to you and tell her you’re still there for her. Because people’s attention spans for other people’s grief usually is much shorter than the grief actually is, which can be really hard for all parties involved.

      1. Agreed on the period after the first couple weeks being important. When my mom died while I was in high school, there was lots of food the first week or two and people were understanding, but I was pretty out of it and not noticing much of anything. A month or two later when I started really grieving, the casseroles and understanding seemed to have disappeared.

      2. You’re so right. My aunt died a month ago and I really owe my uncle and cousins some support. Thank you for the reminder.

      3. Spot on. When my dad passed away (not unexpectedly, but it was still hard) the first few weeks were just a blur and it seemed there was lots of love and support. And then the world kept on turning and everyone else went back to their normal lives. Which makes sense, because for them the world hadn’t changed. It was that time that was hardest for me because I was just realizing how much my world had changed and I felt a little alone. I appreciated the early support, but it was the cards and hugs I received later were what I REALLY needed. Also, I’m a difficult person to support because I don’t like people to see my vulnerability. I really liked the “thinking of you” type of cards where I knew someone cared but it wasn’t overbearing and no one was expecting me to get all weepy in person.

        So sorry for your friend.

    3. Your instincts are right on. Food, a drop by, and a sincere “I’m so sorry” are the best you can do in such a hard situation.

    4. Food is nice. Also, pick up some water, sodas, jugs of tea/lemonade for them to keep at the house, tissues, and breakfast foods.
      A couple of other nice things that you can do (based on time and closeness to the family). Offer to make phone calls and send emails to let people know, offer up a couch/bed to family coming into town, see if they need help keeping track of flowers/dishes/food that are dropped off and writing thank you notes, offer to run errands (suits to dry-cleaner, airport runs, laundry, tidying the house).
      For the months to come, if you are close to her mom, maybe look in on her or meet her for lunch, the care package idea is a good one too.

    5. The care packages that showed up later, after I’d returned home from the funeral, after my grandfather died meant a lot. I’d shy away from fruit baskets (I got several of those, and I like fruit but I can’t eat 20 apples, 2 pineapples and a bunch of bananas and oranges before they spoil). I think a most personal basket with a cozy blanket, a bunch of DVDs (I use DVDs to fall asleep to, when I’m upset, so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts), an eye mask (in case her eyes are puffy from crying), some special memories you have of her and her father, and just a lot of support from you are the best thing.

    6. Can you pick her up from the airport? That way her family doesn’t have to do it, but she doesn’t have to take a cab or public transportation by herself. I like all the suggestions so far, too.

    7. Do you know the family well enough to just pitch in, doing whatever’s necessary to bring the place up to “ready for visitors” level?
      The care basket that MoA describes sounds awesome!

    8. We recently had a death in the family and our amazing friends rallied the troops to handle every detail of getting food etc to the house post-funeral and then doing the complete clean-up. It was huge. They also arrived with a grocery bag full of frozen meals, which they stuck directly in our freezer. What also helped was that one person served as the point of contact for everything. I didn’t even know who was doing what, but he assured me it was all being done (and it was — a couple even showed up just as the guests were leaving just to be the clean up crew). If you’re close enough, you might propose that you make all the post funeral arrangements for food, food pickup/delivery, laying out things at the house, and clean up and that you’ll be the sole point of contact for all this. It’s possible the mom wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone else in her kitchen doing all this, but that’s a complete plan of action that just takes everything off their plate.

      Also, I second the check-in in a month or so. Oftentimes, especially if this death was unexpected, the family doesn’t even start to really process it until after the excitement of the funeral and administrative stuff is all done. In addition to checking in on your friend and sending her a package, maybe you could offer to check on her mom. It might be hard for your friend to be far away from her mom after this, knowing her mom is alone.

    9. When my brother died very suddenly, a co-worker I didn’t know well brought by a “grieving basket,” filled with those little purse-sized packets of tissue, a cool eye mask, some tea, some soothing scented lotion, bottled water, and other things to help me look good while I grieved. And she told me about how her dad had died suddenly and how I could lean on her during my grief. I did, and it was one of the most thoughtful and touching things anyone has ever done for me. She and I are great friends to this day, and I’ve never forgotten her caring during that terrible time.

  3. Has anyone had this dress? On the models, it looks short, but perhaps not too short for me (5-4). I like it b/c it’s not a wrap (and is on sale at Bloomies, possibly other places).

    1. I’m also 5’4, and the reina dress is pretty short. About mid thigh, slightly passed where my fingertips hit when I hold my arms down at my sides. For me, it’s way too short to wear to work, but it is super cute for weekends.

      1. Thanks — I was fearing that. What are your thoughts on the Bentley dress? Too drapy for work (and what is the deal with the shelf bra that it has)? FWIW, I have some junk in the trunk, but otherwise don’t find va-va-voom things to be va-va-voom on me.

      2. Thanks — I was fearing that. What are your thoughts on the Bentley dress? Too drapy for work (and what is the deal with the shelf bra that it has)? FWIW, I have some junk in the trunk, but otherwise don’t find va-va-voom things to be va-va-voom on me.

        1. I have the Bentley dress and had to go up a size. Even still, it is quite fitted and not something I’d wear to work. I wore it to a couple of wedding showers and got a lot of compliments, though.

          1. Thanks! I’ll see how it is when it comes. I am hoping that a print version will be a bit more forgiving than the solid. I have a DVF wrap that I love, but it can be a bit unruly and I’d like a non-wrap style that is not too short. I think my sporty (read: 10-year old boy with hips) build *could* render this work appropriate (and if not: I will have to keep it because it’s hard for me to pull off racy without being nekkid).

    2. Anyone have any tips for coping/taking care of yourself when you’re absolutely overwhelmed emotionally? My SO and I have been long-distance now for about 9 months with no definite end and I’m upset about that, and THEN this week after skimming a book on abusive parents I realized one of my parents was s*xually abusive when I was a child. And I’m prone to depression. I have a general therapist appointment scheduled but it’s not until *mid-July*, and I tried booking an appointment with a counselor at a crisis center but there are no appointments that work with my work schedule (i.e. not in the middle of the day) for nearly a month, so I’m feeling lost.

      Fortunately I seem to be good enough at my job that no one notices if I get a little distracted, and I’m allowing myself to take breaks to watch cute animal videos and the like… but other than that I don’t know what to do to not feel like I’m being buried in awfulness. (I’m saving to move right now, so I can’t treat myself to much either.)

      2. It sounds like you would like to talk to a counselor as soon as possible. Can you take some sick leave to fit in a middle of the day appointment? What about calling a hotline–maybe the crisis center has one? I am not suggesting that as a substitute for seeing a counselor, but talking to a hotline counselor might help you with coping skills in the meantime.

        and hugs.

        1. The earliest appointment mid-day was still early June, so I didn’t see the point in taking PTO. But maybe the crisis center’s hotline can help. I guess I think of the hotline as immediate, what-to-do-next type help for when something has just happened (after all, their online appointment booking request says “if you’d been hurt in the past 5 days please call the hotline instead”), but you’re right, they’re still counselors trained in this and can probably help with coping advice. Thank you.

          1. I volunteered with a domestic violence and sexual abuse shelter for several years. The crisis hotline calls I received included victims of past abuse, some decades later- whether they were just now ready to deal with it, or, like you, just now realizing it. The people that answered the calls were not licensed counselors, but we received extensive training and would talk, listen and provide immediate support during the hours counselors were not available (usually overnights). As has been mentioned, definitely not a substitute for counseling/therapy, but may help you get cope until you can get in to see someone. I know some places use actual counselors to answer these calls as well. Sorry for everything you’re dealing with.

          2. I used to be a hotline counselor as well (rape crisis center). We were 24/7 and handled all kinds of calls. Someone calling to discuss recently discovered abuse that happened in the past, looking for referrals for therapy, and/or wanting to talk about relaxation techniques would have been a very typical call.

          3. RAINN also has an online chat helpline. I found talking about my assault out loud too difficult initially, so typing was better. Whatever works for you right now is the right choice.

            As a side note, therapy is hard but so, so, so, so important. You will probably want to give up on it at a hundred different points but don’t– you’ll come out the other side stronger and more aware of yourself.

            As far as actual coping tips:

            1) The RAINN hotline I mentioned before is a great resource for books/websites/advice about coping. I took 7 years to seek help. They understood.
            2) Everyone who is saying to take care of yourself physically is right. Eat right, take walks, exercise lightly. But also take care of yourself emotionally: whatever you are feeling right now is okay. Whatever you want to do (within reason, of course!) is okay. Cute animal videos are soul balm and you are smart to be watching them.
            3) Treat yo’ self and return it! I have a hard time with doctor’s appointments and go directly to Nordstrom afterwards and try on dresses I can’t afford. Then I end up buying something I can afford but may never wear… and then I almost always return it the next week. It’s a way to spend an hour or two that allows me to dissociate a bit in a place I feel safe and kind of emotionally reset. Plus, no budget damage!
            4) Reach out to people you like. It sounds like you’re in a long-distance relationship, which is HARD. Do you have friends nearby? Could you set up 2x week dinner or drinks with a friend? If you’re worried about budget, you can make it a cooking date. Time alone is good to some extent but I find that time alone can be time to think. And you need time to think, but you also need to have fun and feel loved. (If you don’t have friends nearby, Skype dates with a glass of wine are surprisingly wonderful.)

            I don’t know you, but I want you to know that I am proud of you for your strength and your choice to seek support. I promise you, it will get better.

          4. @RAINN: That’s good to know about the online chat. Honestly I checked out RAINN and was upset at their “tips to avoid being assaulted” but an online chat might be really good for me, since I still feel guilty and wrong calling it abuse. I do have friends nearby — I’m still fairly new to the area so they’re not folks I’m close enough to to talk about this with but that’s probably a good thing right, just hang out and relax and have a nice time. Thanks so much for sharing these things. Having concrete things to try (from folks who’ve been there) really helps.

      3. Running to an appointment but wanted to quickly respond. Do your best to get good nutrition and as much sleep as possible. (No need to cook–do healthy takeout or buy & eat simple good food: cottage cheese & vegetables, eggs, pasta, more fruits & veg.) Try exercise or housework if you need to work off tension. Call your SO, a very trusted friend, or a crisis line if you need to talk. Most crisis lines run 24/7–look online if necessary. And take great pride in being self-aware and having already come this far in your life despite whatever happened to you earlier. You are way, way more than the total of your past bad experiences.

        1. The last part of your comment is super sweet and nice to hear. Thank you so much.

      4. That is pretty awful. It seems like you feel bad constantly and it’s just piling up?

        For the pile up, portion try to focus on making the next month as stable and enjoyable as possible. Get decent amounts of sleep, exercise, eat healthy and if you can try and enjoy the sunshine! Also, if money is tight, you might consider volunteering. If people are too much, see if you can help out with an animal rescue league. There is nothing like an appreciative animal to make your day just a bit brighter.

        Long-term you’ll work out with your therapist, but just keep reminding yourself you didn’t get here in a day and you’re not going to fix everything in a day. Best of luck and I hope you enjoy the long weekend.

        1. Thank you. I live in a quiet, lovely area, so perhaps I should start those walks I’ve been putting off.

      5. If you have an EAP, call that number. If you have a primary, call him or her. They can call in favors to get you in earlier with a therapist or at a minimum can get you some anti-anxiety meds and monitor you until you can be with a therapist. The EAP should get you 4-6 free sessions with one occurring immediately or over the phone. Crisis lines can also help. This is a crisis. You do not need to be suicidal to be in crisis. Does your town have an ask a nurse line? They can put you in touch with someone. So can your health insurance company probably.

        1. I am currently on an SSRI from my previous therapist (I was seeing a private practitioner who made me anxious and then upped her price so I stopped seeing her and made the July appt at a therapist through my PCP) (which is probably the only reason I haven’t had a total breakdown!), but I didn’t think of calling my PCP to see if she’s able to get me in any earlier somewhere or do anything else. And it’s good to know this is a situation where I’m justified in using a crisis line. Thanks for your advice.

      6. Hey. I was recently very sick and the thing that made the sickness worse was trying to fit my appointments outside of work. Evening hours, weekend appointments, deferring appointments because I wasn’t *that* sick and I was “functioning” and managing work somehow.

        Big mistake. I got so much worse and my work product suffered tremendously. My office couldn’t trust me. Don’t do that. Your mental health is ridiculously important. It’s hard but you need to fight for yourself so that you can feel better.

        Good luck.

      7. Aloha. I was molested, frequently and violently, and for many years by my stepfather. I strongly recommend AMAC — Adults Molested As Children. It’s a self-help organization along the lines of AA, with no therapist leading the group.

        AMAC has a great website and as well you can Bing books on the topic. In many cities AMAC has weekly or monthly meetings. Attending these meetings helped me more than any therapy ever did.

        Be careful with your therapist choice. My first therapist, a psychiatrist, told me he thought that people made too big a deal out of it. Look at you, he said, “you’ve got an MS and a JD, you make good money. I see you on TV all the time.” (Like being on TV means you’re doing great in life!) He really tried to persuade me that it was no big deal and to just move on. Of course I quit him, but if you are young and vulnerable, you could buy into this cr#p. Parental sexual abuse can also mess a person up when it comes to having a good intimate life with your SO.

        Good luck to you. PLEASE look up AMAC, and get back to us. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

        1. Oops. This was supposed to be a response to the woman who had been sexually molested by a parent. Hope she finds this.

        2. Thank you very much for your response. Being taken seriously is something I do worry about, especially since most of the abuse was verbal s*xual abuse (but not all, there was some physical) — so I definitely want to talk to someone who specifically deals with that issue first rather than at my general psych appointment. That’s something I’m a little nervous about regarding support groups too, but I’ll check out AMAC. I also found a forum I may join (MDSA) so it’s good to know those kinds of groups are good for healing rather than just upsetting. Thank you again for sharing this.

    1. I’m not familiar with Pure, but I really like some of the dresses in this link! How does the sizing tend to run?

    3. I like Boden, I was just being cheeky. Just meant they have more work clothes.

      As for sizing, I find it to be “classic,” so closer to, say your Ann Taylor size than to your Theory size.

  5. Does anyone have any tips on flying with a dog?

    My (small) dog is going to be flying JetBlue with me in two weeks (under the seat). I booked his flight (and he’s gonna earn me some miles say whaaaaaaaat), and bought the JetBlue pet carrier but it seems really small – it’s even smaller than their maximum dimensions for pet carriers. I’m debating buying something bigger (every time I’ve seen people with carriers in airports, they’ve been bigger than JB’s) but I’m not sure if that’s too risky – don’t want to be turned away at the airport.

    Jet Blue said they don’t need any health documentation (domestic flight) so I wasn’t planning on taking him to the vet (he’s already up to date on all his shots, etc). However, it is a cross country flight, and my dog is pretty excitable (to say the least), so I’m wondering if I ought to sedate him. The internet seems mixed on whether this is a good idea.

    Would love any advice or tips and tricks of the trade!

    1. I haven’t flown with my dogs (just long car trips). I would take a copy of his shot records with me in case someone asks. A long walk or run the day of will help with some of his nerves. I would also get him used to the travel crate (treats! praise!) at home so he doesn’t freak out when you put him in it. As for sedation, ask your vet and do a trial run of the medication at home in case he has an odd reaction.

    2. I’ve only done it with a cat, but it’s probably similar. I second mascot’s recommendation to talk to the vet about sedation. I sedated my cat because she gets extremely freaked out being in her carrier and on car trips. I’d probably go ahead and get the health documentation too just in case. I had to have it even though mine was a domestic flight on United. I can’t remember who asked to see mine (TSA or just the people at the airline’s counter), but it’s probably better to have it instead of getting totally stuck.

      Make sure you have a leash either in the carrier or your purse/carryon to get through security. You’ll have to carry him through the scanner and put the crate through the x-ray machine.

      My last piece of advice may be more applicable to cats, but since people are allergic to pets, try not to draw too much attention to the fact that you have a pet. Most people who noticed were curious and came to look at her and comment on how cute she was, but on one leg of the flight I got to my seat and the woman next to me was allergic. She got really upset so I tried to get someone on the other side of the aisle to switch with me but nobody would and she said it wasn’t really far enough away anyway. She was being really loud about it so someone in the row in front of me also started complaining. A flight attendant came by and reseated both of them. I felt bad and really hoped that I wasn’t causing them too much irritation, but I really didn’t have another choice. I was moving across the country in the summertime (so the pet storage area aside from the cabin wasn’t going to be entirely safe and was also double the cost, which I couldn’t afford). The flight attendants were so so so nice to me and I apologized to them when I got off the plane and they said it wasn’t a big deal at all. I’m not sure, but I think more people are allergic to cats so hopefully you won’t encounter anything like that.

      1. I know you didn’t want to cause a fuss but a cat inside an airplane within 200 feet of my husband would just about kill him with allergies. I mean swell up, sneeze every 90 seconds and generally be in medical distress. He would be mortified to cause a fuss but he would have to move and possibly get off the plane

    3. I forget what it was called but when I was flying with my cat everyone (including my friend’s girlfriend who is a vet) suggested a homeopathic solution. I don’t believe in homeopathy but I did try it. My cat is so mellow it’s hard to tell if it worked though. I forget what it was called but it was something like Calming Remedy. My vet’s office knew about it so you can try asking your vet if you’re interested. I just bought it at a health store.

        1. My extended family is obsessed with Rescue Remedy. We give it to all the dogs and most of the people. Often by dropping it into their drink when they are not looking. :)

        2. You can get it at Whole Foods BTW. (Didn’t work for my dog, but the trainer said it helps many. If you do use, talk with your vet so you don’t risk any potential drug interaction from the sedative)

    4. Thanks everyone! I’m leery about incurring an extra vet cost so I’ll pick up some Rescue Remedy and see how he does with that, and I’ll make sure I have a copy of all of his shots. The flight is an evening flight (8pm) and about 6 hours long (so well through the time where he’s usually snoozing) so hopefully it all goes well.

      I am concerned about seatmate allergies and being yelled at (even though having a pet in cabin is allowed). Hopefully it is okay, though!

    5. I have flown with my dog (a Frenchie) several times, but never for a cross-country flight. I definitely recommend trying your pup out in the travel carrier at home several times to get him used to it. I also liked putting him in that and carrying him around for a bit so he would get used to that too. The first couple of times we gave him a very low dose of a very mild tranquilizer that the vet recommended (which we also tried out at home first). It doesn’t make him fall asleep, just calmer. He usually falls asleep on the plane as soon as the engines start rumbling. Definitely run him around a lot during the day and he should be fine. I’d have a bag of treats in your carry on so you can slip him some if you want. I also recommend bringing a copy of his vet records, esp proof of rabies vaccination. I have never had to present it at the airport/airline (*knock on wood), but I like having a copy for where ever I’m going in case I needed to take him to the vet while I was visiting (*also knock on wood). Good luck!

      1. Would caution on the treats that it often makes them quite thirsty. If given, the dog will need access to water. And then you’ve got another issue on your hands…

    6. If your dog may need to eliminate during the trip, make sure you plan for it. My dog is far too large for cabin-travel (and has a camel bladder anyway), but I fly coast to coast often and see many pets. For those that need to pee ever 6 hours or so, a cross country flight that gets delayed can be an issue. One woman had puppy pads with her, another had a patch of fake grass(!!). Who knows what they did in the bathroom, but they handled it.

      I suggest NOT ONLY bringing paper copies of your vet records, but just snap quick photos with your phone too–so you have double backup copies. Just in case you need them in the airport or in an emergency vet situation.

    7. I fly with my two dogs all the time and they are about 20lbs so they just barely fit in their carriers. During the flight, I unzip the top of the carrier and put my feet in with them – it helps them stay calm. It also lets them stick their head out of the carrier if they are cramped. I always put 1 chew toy and 1 bone in their carrier to keep them distracted. Honestly, the actual airport part will be harder for them than the flight – they will probably get overstimulated during the airport and sleep during the flight.

      I do not let them drink much water when we travel, and I carry them through airport security (which is always a big struggle with bags + carrier + carrying whiny dogs who want to smell everyone).

      FWIW, we have never sedated our dogs or given them anything, but we do always take them to the vet to get their travel certificates (Which is an extra cost). One dog has only ever barked once ever when flying – when a small child approached their carrier in the lobby. They are ususally really calm – remember, doggies just want to be with their humans. I once sat in the middle with my dog and the two people on either side didn’t even know there was a dog in the bag until disembarkment!

      Funny story though – on one flight my doxin had TERRIBLE gas. She was just going and going and I was super embarrassed because I felt that everyone was staring at me and thought it was me all the time. Oh well!

    8. I highly recommend the Sherpa bag. I can’t remember if mine is the medium or large, but it just barely exceeds airline standards. Since it’s soft-sided, I’ve never had trouble fitting it under the seat. Also recommend an aisle seat — avoids the curve by the window (which cuts down on under seat space) and avoids the middle seat issue of people on both sides and their feet. Ask to board early, with the folks with kids and people who need special assistance, as it will give you time to get your pup settled. I also have mine wear a harness and soft leash until after we get through security (she has had to walk thru the metal detector on her own power, depending on the agent, and the soft leash makes that easier). Finally, I recommend attaching a cute photo of your pup to the carrier in a luggage tag, along with emergency contact info, just in case….and because people tend to be nicer when they can see how cute he/she is! Oh, and practice going in and out of the bag at home, perhaps with treats, so you’re not awkwardly shoving your pup in at the airport. We actually practiced at home, going in the bag, zipping it up, being carried around in it, them putting it under the table and practicing being quiet. Can you tell I’ve done this a time or two? And sorry this is so long – I remember having a lot of anxiety the first time she flew, and these tips definitely helped! Safe travels!

  6. So many cute things are on sale at Bloomie’s, too… not a good week for my bank account. I am seriously considering purchasing the marc jacobs hobo washed up billy in cinnamon stick (with the extra 20% off it’s only $256, originally $458). I have never spent more than $100 on a bag in my life but I’ve been looking for a cognac-colored bag for a long time and this one seems perfect, with a classic color/shape (and will not be too large on my very petite frame). Does anyone have any experience with MBMJ bags in general or this one in particular?

    1. I’m going to be an enabler–I see them all over and they’re so super cute. No experience with MBMJ bags, but they seem to hold up really well. the color is great!

    2. I love MBMJ bags – the quality is fantastic and the hobo is really nice. I’m enabling you!

    3. MbMJ are great quality – I carried one of their satchels for over 2 years & it held up really well. My little sister is actually using it now & it’s still in great shape. I can’t recommend their stuff enough.

    4. I own this bag in the same color you are considering, and I love it. Fits a lot of stuff, leather is nice and it’s veeery pretty :) Now I’m a bit bummed though, because I bought it at full prize not long ago. Oh well, it was worth it!

  7. Looking for some sympathy and/or other bad first week of internship/job stories.

    Yesterday, on the third day of my internship I was standing in a judge’s chambers with 6 attorneys, the judge, the court reporter, the clerk, the judge’s intern and 2 defendants watching the defendants accept a plea when suddenly I felt like I was going to be sick, so I tap my supervisor tell him I have to go and attempt to gracefully exit the chambers without running. I walk out of the chambers and the 50 or so potential jurors turn and stare at me as I am leaving the court room. Then, I get to the vestibule, feel like I am going to faint, sit down, and end up throwing up in a garbage can.
    Seriously?! I was/am totally mortified about the whole thing. Obviously I went home, but I feel so ridiculous…Please tell me that will be the low point of my internship.

    1. First off, if it was just in front of the potential jurors, no harm done! They’re not even allowed to talk to you :)

      For real though, people are sympathetic to getting suddenly sick in awkward situations (as long as you’re not obviously hungover!). I’m sure it won’t hurt your repuatation. If it helps any, on the second day of my job I had an allergic reaction that caused one of my eyes to swell so bad I had to wear an eye patch. Thank goodness pictures were not scheduled for that day!

    2. I can understand how the situation may have been embarassing personally, but I don’t think you did anything worth being ashamed of. Your body was giving you signals and you listened. You could have ignored the signs and threw up or fainted in chambers, which would have been much worse.

    3. I have a friend who had something similar happen during her time as a summer associate, including the throwing up in a garbage can. She got a job offer from the firm. She was one of only 3 summers (out of probably 10-12) who got an offer, so it’s not one of those situations where everyone basically got an offer.

      I hope that makes you feel a little better! I’m very sorry it happened.

    4. You got out of there relatively gracefully–good on ya! And you have the rest of the summer to contrast with that. Honestly, I don’t get why people are so embarrassed about being sick. It happens to all of us. It’s a revolting thing that happens to you, not a revolting thing that you do. When I see someone (who is not intoxicated) throwing up, I don’t think “how rude of them”. I feel sympathy. I’m pretty sure most human beings do too.

      The jury candidates were probably just bored/watching whatever happened in front of them.

      Take care of yourself, get rested before you go back in so you don’t relapse, and smile when you tell your supervisor that you’re all better.

    5. Look on the bright side – at least you didn’t puke in front of (or on!) the judge.

    6. Sending my sympathies. If you have a digestive condition or anxiety or anything that could make this reoccur, you can probably stave off some of the issue by telling people as a heads up that you may have to step out due to a medical condition, and that you are just giving them a heads up so they don’t think you are being rude. Since I have crohns and use the restroom a lot, I always do this if I’m in a role where I don’t have to be in the courtroom for the proceeding to go on if it is a long trial. I don’t want the judge to think I’m being rude and hold it against my client or the partner to think I don’t understand decorum. If it was a one time thing, you now have a great story and I’m so sorry it happened to you. People are more understanding than you expect.

    7. Don’t even worry about it. During my first week at a biglaw firm, I was supposed to sit in on a phone interview of a witness and take notes. (The two senior partners were the only other people in the room, and they certainly weren’t going to take notes.) Half way through, I felt like my nose was running, and I was embarrassed I didn’t have a tissue, so I tried to very discreetly wipe it. Of course, when I looked at my hand and saw it was BLOOD, I went from embarrassed to mortified. There were no tissues on the partner’s desk, so I had to just get up and walk out. By the time I was in the hallway, I had a pool of blood in my hands, and the partner’s secretary is staring at me like I’m insane and/or a coke head. I went to the restroom, stopped the bleed, cleaned myself up and returned to my note-taking.

      As far as I can tell, neither of the partners even noticed. Not one of them has ever said anything about it (not even asking if I was ok), and they both rave about me.

    8. Also, as you get more used to being in a courtroom, you’ll learn that entering and leaving a courtroom while court is in session isn’t as big a deal as it feels like. Yes, everyone’s eyes follow you, but that’s just because you’re the only thing in the room that’s moving, everyone forgets about it as soon as you enter or leave. The first few times I had to leave in the middle of court I felt phenomenally awkward, but you get used to it and it stops being as big a deal.

    9. Hug’s to you. I am so sorry you had to go thru this, but alot of us have at some point, wether b/c we were ill or b/c we had nerves, or both. The key is NOT to worry about it, and FORGET it, b/c you are a PROFESSIONAL, so you can deal with Anything!

      I remember when I was just starteing, the manageing partner had me go with him to court, suposedly just to watch, but just before the judge called our case, he said he did not feel well (he said he had eaten the eveneing before at a Indonesean resturunt, so all of a sudden, he says, I have to go to the batheroom, if they call our case, just tell them I will be right back. OMG I said. And off he ran to the toilet. Fooey! When the clerk called our case, I stood up and said “READY” but forgot to say that the manageing partner was in the toilet and would be right back. Because our case was the only one on the docket that had both partie’s say Ready, the judge looked at me and said that he would hear our motion right then and there! I did NOT know what to say, other then to read from the breif the manageing partner had written. The judge did NOT ask any question’s and before the manageing partner got back, the attorney’s for the plainetiff mumbled something, and the judge granted the manageing partner’s motion all while the manageing partner was in the toilet. He was very happy after he got back, but I felt happy and sick at the same time. It was like goieng on a rolla coaster b/f knoweing what you were getteing into.

      So don’t worry, it hapens to all of us, and we survive. YAY!!!!!

    10. On my boyfriend’s first day of work as a tech in a hospital, he fainted and was taken to the emergency room. He was also very embarrassed, but it in no way effected his standing on the team. He built great working relationships with everyone and got stellar references for grad school. As long as you don’t throw up/faint/get sick on a day-to-day basis, people will give you a pass. Don’t worry about it!

    11. Starting a new job can really make you ill: you’re stressed out which can lower immune response and you’re being exposed to all sorts of new germs. If you think about the fact that you’ve just been exposed to all your co-workers’ germs, all of their kids’ germs, all of the jurors’ germs, all of their kids’ germs and the germs of anybody else who walked into the courtroom (and their kids’!) you would realize that it was pretty much bound to happen.

      Good luck with the rest of your summer!

  8. Ladies,

    Those of you in professions that pit you against sometimes unstable members of the public, what sort of tips do you have for keeping yourself safe? I’m talking beyond the general personal safety tips offered to all women.

    For context, I’m handling a divorce for a woman that is afraid of her husband. Husband is pissed about the divorce. Without getting into details, I have reasons to think he may take this out on me, but not reasons that rise to a level to warrant a restraining order. I’m not used to being in this position and it is causing me anxiety.

    I imagine prosecutors deal with this day and night as well as judges and parole officers and tax collectors and social workers and anyone else whose job it is to deal with bad guys. Does it get easier? Do you get used to it? I googled safety tips for lawyers and came up with nothing. Unfortunatly, I have purchased a house so my address is publically available and there is no way to change that.

    1. Do you have a dog or a security system at your house? Just having those (even though my dog would bark and then kiss an intruder to death) help me sleep a lot easier.

      Whenever we have crazy opposing parties (who are usually pro se…go figure), we let the building security know so that they can be on the lookout in the workplace. We hold all mediations and meetings with the parties present at the courthouse because that way, the potentially crazy person has to go through a metal detector.

      I have to say, I worry about this, too. Other than being vigilant and taking the steps above, I’m not sure what else I can do.

      1. 2nd a dog. If you want actual protection, there are other options, but a dog serves to both keep strangers at bay by barking AND alerting you to things out of the ordinary.

        We used to be really annoyed when our dog would bark in the middle of the night…but we quickly learned it was ALWAYS for a reason. Sometimes it was a pack of coyotes (!!), once it was two teenagers walking down the street talking loudly at 3am, once it was because an ambulance pulled in next door at 4am… so we now ALWAYS go check to see why he barks. We’ve taught him “all clear” which means “we’ve checked it out, so shut up!” We’ve also taught him “Whose there?” which means “listen carefully and tell me if you hear anything.” It’s pretty funny to watch him cock his ears and focus for a minute, then look back like, “mom, you’re an idiot. that was the wind” or “huh, that sounds odd…OH MY LOOK THERE IS A MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE WOOF WOOF WOOF”

        I can tell you, when DH works late, I feel 100% safe with this dog in the house. I know any noise/creak/squeak is JUST the house settling, because if it were anything else, the dog would be on High Intruder Alert trying to figure it out.

    2. I’m in private practice, but we deal with scary people. I don’t think our system is fool-proof by any means, but: 1) We have the office constantly locked–you have to be buzzed in. 2) Pictures of especially crazy people go at the receptionist desk–they are not to be let in under any circumstances. 3) When it’s necessary to interact with the crazy people (depos, mediation) we set the event at a room in the local courthouse, so they have to go through a metal detector (or do whatever possible by phone). 4) Written correspondence only. I’ve thought about the published home address thing too–not sure what to do about that.

      I have a zero-tolerance policy for crazy, including the over-zealous pro se litigants. We have left many people standing out on the front stoop, and it may be rude, but better safe than sorry.

    3. A dog is a great idea. If you are down w/ the responsibility of a big dog I suggest a Newfoundland. They are very, very smart and huge.

      Do you feel comfortable letting your neighbors know? It might alarm them or cause unnecessary drama, BUT if you feel ok telling them, then maybe go ahead? Alternatively, does your partner and/or best friend know?

      Can you email any of the websites that aggregate public info and ask them to please take yours down?

      1. As a former newfie owner….newfs do not generally bark (at strangers, or at all…) and they LOVE ALL PEOPLE, immediately and unconditionally. So if OP wants something to alert her, a newf may not do it. They are also so big that they aren’t great dogs for small spaces (apartments, small houses, etc), and they drool a LOT.

        They are, however, awesome dogs and great with kids. And eat far less than you’d expect a 100lb+ dog to eat….

      2. Definitely let your neighbors know. I lived in the in-law unit of a house and the woman upstairs faced similar issues. It was helpful to know when things were particularly tense or if there was anything I should be aware of / looking out from.

    4. Do you have any training in self-defense or any martial art? If not, I highly recommend it. The physical skills gained are valuable, but so is the situational awareness, confidence (real and projected) and assertiveness.

      Also, and this may be an unpopular suggestion, but depending on the laws of your country/state, you may want to consider an instrument of self-defense other than your hands/feet (I don’t know what will get me in moderation, but I’m sure you catch my drift). A serious and personal choice, and if you go this route, please partake of training courses and regular practice.

      1. I second all of this. As for the unpopular suggestion, I second that, too. Get training and get a safe for it (there are some that are intended to be opened by touch and in a stressful situation — practice opening it in the dark). Also make sure you practice at a range so you feel comfortable with the mechanism. One option is to get a pump-action shotgun. It makes a distinctive noise and you can say “I have a gun!” and rack it. It also doesn’t require a lot of accuracy. Maybe that’s more than you want to take on, but I’ve had a few years of martial arts training and I still don’t feel I could take on a 200 lb man. Especially because the guy has to be right on you before you can even do anything to him and somehow yelling “I know jiujitsu” just doesn’t have the same impact.

        The basic truth is that nature didn’t give women and men the same advantages when it comes to self-defense (nor did it give the same to all men or all women). Sometimes it’s worth using technology to even the field when someone else is out to hurt you. And, yes, I realize this is a deeply unpopular position.

        1. This will probably out me, but I am strongly anti-gun. Like, I give money, I go to rallies, yep, I’m one of those.

          Except in cases such as these. If you are willing to get proper training, store it properly, learn how to defend yourself in an attack (please know, this is different then just knowing how to shoot it), and you and those in your household are (relatively) mentally stable, then please go for it.

          It shouldn’t be deeply unpopular to learn how to protect yourself if you are willing to go through all the steps that would make you a responsible gun owner and user.

          Signed, the most liberal non-gun loving wignut there is :)

          1. You actually don’t sound that anti-gun to me. My husband is super, super pro-gun and I think he’d agree with everything you just said.

          4. Oh believe me, I am. I just try to contain myself so I don’t end up being the crazy one on the bus that no one will sit next to.

        2. Agree with the pump action shotgun. I do not like guns and would never carry one, but husband is a country boy in law enforcement so we have many different types. My husband knows that if there is ever an intruder, I will probably call 911 and lock myself in a closet as opposed to grabbing a gun, but he has trained me with the pump action shotgun because merely racking it can be a deterrent based on the familiarity of the sound and because you really don’t have to be accurate with it. He always says that if something happens, that’s the one to load.

        3. +1 for laying out this option. Too many women are deluded into thinking that martial arts training is sufficient. Basic common sense suggests it’s not. I am progressive in my politics and yet frustrated w/this blind spot that people insist on having with regards to women’s personal safety. The unspoken part is that if one doesn’t acknowledge the option of guns for women’s personal safety, then you’re saying that you think that you are OK w/ women being beaten, raped, and/or killed as the price to pay for limiting handgun use.

          1. Or, alternatively, you are aware that guns can be, and are, used to assault, rape, and kill women. While I have no issue with women buying and using guns given the current regulatory regime, I also strongly support the full-scale banning of all forms of gun ownership by the public. These are not contradictory positions, and your assumptions about my motivations are both false and extremely insulting.

          2. You’re exhibiting the precise type of blindness that I’m annoyed with. Those perpetrators had the advantage over those victims because their victims didn’t have a Tazer or handgun to stop them.
            Police don’t have teleportation ability to get to the crime-in-progress instantaneously, so sometimes those who are targeted have to protect themselves. I love the unspoken assumption that women are just by default helpless and can’t take any hardline actions (however uncomfortable you might be with those actions) to change the balance of power.

      2. “please partake of training courses and regular practice” and a SAFE! More kids are killed by gun “accidents” in their own homes than by intruders. Adults are injured/killed this way too. For that reason, I don’t endorse this option, but if you choose that route, please keep the thing(s) in a safe in your bedroom &/or someplace out in the house where you could get to it if there was an intruder.

    5. I’ve had a similar situation and did the following:
      1. Caller ID on all of your phones and screen your calls as much as possible.
      2. Unlisted *and* unpublished phone number (so it can’t be looked up via 411).
      3. Examine your living situation: secluded house v. apartment are very different. Do you have to open your door to see who comes to it? Do you have deadbolts?
      4. Examine your parking situation at home and at work. Can you make that or your transit situation safer in general?
      5. What is your workplace safety like? How easily can someone get in to where you are? And if so, what are your next steps?
      6. Do you have neighbors and are you friendly with them? If so, you might want to make sure they have your name / # just in case they see anything funny with your house (you don’t need to scare them or provide too many details, but something along the lines of you are gone a lot and see some crazy people at work and if anyone seems to be poking around your house, please to give you a call). I live in a suburban area where many people walk their dogs several times a day and those people know *everything* and know when something’s not right (or when a new boyfriend is getting to stay over — gah!).

      FWIW, if you have local police friends, talk to them (and if not, make a friend — in my city, officers are assigned to neighborhoods and are quite willing to talk to citizens who have issues, and may be able to keep an eye out for anything unusual).

      Have you read The Gift of Fear? If not, that is also a good book and tells you to trust your gut.

      1. As a local dog-owner, I walk my dog maybe 3-4 times per week. Even at that low frequency, I’ve STILL seen stuff that’s made me call the cops:
        -I saw an SUV pull in and out of 5-6 driveways on the street I was on–and ONLY into driveways with no cars in them…you can’t be THAT lost!). Turns out they found the guy and he had robbed some houses one town over and still had the stuff in the van! He was casing houses in our neighborhood!!
        – on an evening walk, called in someone driving like, 80MPH down our 30 MPH road. Guy was pulled over for a DUI.
        – my dog saw (from inside the house) someone in a dark car parked across the street from us taking photos. Dog flipped out, I called the cops. Turns out he (claims he was just) taking shots because he liked the addition we put on, but I got a weird vibe from him….dude was in sunglasses on a rainy day, was out there for like 20 minutes…

    6. Call your local law enforcement’s nonemergency number and ask if they have any recommendations. I admittedly am in a very small jurisdiction, but here they have no problem with people calling and reporting that there was a contentious conversation that day and you are concerned. In the event you end up calling 911 later, they have the backstory.

    7. When I was a kid, we lived in a house that previously belonged to a district attorney. There was a security system, but also big bushes with sharp leaves or thorns below all the windows that opened. I don’t know if it was actually useful, but my dad told me that the woman had them put in on purpose for safety reasons.

    8. You already have great tips. My husband and I have both been in this situation. Here are some things that have helped me:

      1.) Tell reception that you will never have this person come by the office. If he drops in unexpectedly, he should be told you are not there or are not available and asked to leave. If he refuses to leave the police should be called. Been there, done that.

      2.) Second the advice to hold all meetings at the courthouse for security purposes.

      3.) Get to know your neighbors. Tell them that you are a lawyer representing someone in a contentious divorce and that you want them to call you/tell you if they see anything suspicious around your property. Remember, anything filed in court is a public pleading. If his financial affidavit says what he drives, it is fine to say “particularly a red bmw.”

      4.) You can also enlist your local police for this. Call the business line, repeat number 3. If they patrol your area anyway they will watch out for a red bmw. If they don’t, they will step up the patrol hopefully.

      5.) Have a personal safety plan in place no matter how far fetched it is. It will ease your mind. Practice it in your head or physically and have it in muscle memory. If this escalated to restraining order territory do you know how to file for one? Research it now. If you felt your home wasn’t a safe place to stay for the night, where would you go, where would your pets go? If he approached you in the parking lot, what would you say, what would you do? If he hasn’t yet been told to “stay away” you want to balance keeping yourself safe and your ethical duties to opposing parties. If I could, I would get in my car, lock the door, roll down the window a tad and yell “I meet with people by appointment only. Please call the office tomorrow and do not stop by without notice in the future.” If it was safer to go back into the office building, I would but yell the same from the door and then lock it. If you are the only one around and feel truly threatened screw ethics and niceties. Yell “stop right where you are and do not come a step closer to me. Leave now and call me for an appointment.” If he doesn’t immediately, call the police.

      6.) Also have your coworkers watching out for his car in the lot. Try not to be the last one out.

      7.) Have your home personal safety plan too. What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night to an intruder. What would you use to defend yourself? How would you call 911? Talk it out and practice it w/o calling 911. I recommend tasers that can shoot from across the room. In many states they are not considered firearms and you can carry them at home, work, car, etc. Not allowed in Mass though. Taze and run away.

      8.) Alarm and dog are good too.

      9.) If you have a meeting at the court, let the security staff know ahead of time you have safety concerns and want this individual watched. Arrive before he does or after he does. Don’t be in the parking lot at the same time. Do the same for leaving. Ask security to make sure he left before you leave.

      10.) It does get easier when vague safety issues are always present. It doesn’t get easier when you are a direct target. I’ve been both.

      11.) If you think the situation could escalate to the point you would want a gun in your home, find out what you need to do to get one in your state. You don’t want to need one and not be able to get one for a week. Remember that many restrictions apply to handguns only. You may still be able to buy a shotgun or rifle without a waiting period if you needed it. If you go the gun route, get TRAINED on it. It is useless if you can’t use it and use it accurately and safely.

      1. Typing this out – I realize I really need to take my own advice on a lot of these. It is so much easier to give someone else advice than to actually do it. Also, I think the Gift of Fear is a great read.

    9. Also, do what you can to find out any info on this person, if you don’t know already.

      I have different alarm levels for someone with no record v. someone with an arrest record v. arrest for violent act record v. conviction for violent act record. It helps to know which of these you are dealing with.

      If you are dealing with anyone with a record or you know from your client that he can be physically violent, I might bunk with a friend overnight or go away this weekend if you are immediately worried about your safety.

    10. Thanks for all the great tips. I already had done some, immediatly did others and am considering the rest. Money is also an issue. See – just bought house. I am married and have a dog too so I’m not alone at night at least. I worry about their safety too though and DH knows to be on the look out. To echo others, if you think you may ever need a weapon, get it and learn it before you need it. Doing it right takes time and money. Plus side, we are on vacation out of town next week and the pets will safely be elsewhere. The rest is what insurance is for.

    11. All of the above is really good advice. And not to minimize your fear or anything, but I’m a prosecutor, and have thought about this stuff a fair amount – and attacks on counsel are EXCEEDINGLY rare. So it totally makes sense to have the above suggestions/plans in place, but also don’t let it consume you. People – even crazy people – very very very rarely go after counsel.

      1. This. The very worst I have had is a defendant who kept driving past my house, which stopped after he observed my husband and two of our neighbors cleaning their shotguns on our front porch. I also had a defendant throw a chair at me in court, which did not end well for him. Do not be afraid to alert courthouse security, the bailiffs, and the police – that is what they are there for!

      2. I agree with this. When I was a public defender, very dangerous men often blamed me for losing their cases. I represented tons of men who beat their wives, and many who strangled them to loss of consciousness.

        I never worried about them coming after me.

        For my clients, the people they attacked regularly were their family and romantic partners. They didn’t attack random people on the street, and they didn’t even attack grocery store clerks who gave them the wrong amount of change. It’s all about their emotional attachment to people and feeling betrayed, and exerting control. Neither their attorney nor opposing counsel were ever targets.

        That said, it’s always good to be safe.

      3. I don’t want to scare you, but in family law it is not unheard of for litigants to go after counsel. Much more so than in criminal law. So although it is unlikely, don’t get too complacent because you think it can’t happen. You’ve gotten great advice here — follow it and keep your wits about you and you should be fine.

    12. You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. One additional item I don’t think I saw in the responses is to call your local law enforcement agency and ask if they do special patrols. In the rural area where I live and in the small town where I formerly lived, on request, patrol officers who are out there patrolling would make a point of driving by your residence regularly. At the least, they maintain a visible law enforcement presence, and if you can give them vehicle and/or personal description they can keep an out for that person specifically. I would recommend going into see them if possible, instead of just calling.

      On the bright side, I’ve had a number of threats, including death threats, and none of them ever turned out to be anything. Most threats, whether they are explicit or implicit (staring, driving by, etc.), are a power play designed to intimidate you and make the threatener feel big, not an actual signal of future action. Nevertheless, do take care and take any precautions that you are comfortable with, and none that you aren’t.

      Also, any time you feel you are definitely being threatened, DO NOT be a creature of habit. Do not arrive at work or home the same time every single day. Do not park in the same parking place at work every day. Do not walk your dog or take a run on the same route always. Etc etc.

  9. I’m hoping the Hive can help. Does anyone have any recommendations for a shampoo/conditioner/detangler that will help minimize breakage? I am losing a lot of hair rapidly (root to tip) and have had pretty much every test under the sun done (all fine). I’ve got styling products to help fluff it so it looks thicker, but any tips are greatly appreciated. I’m sick of showering and finding clumps of hair :(

    1. Is it falling out at the root or breaking? If it’s at the root, have you had any lifestyle changes lately? When I lost 30 pounds in 2008, I lost A LOT of hair even with a healthy diet. Once my weight loss stopped, my hair stopped falling out.

  10. I am planning on picking up a gift for a friend who is graduating law school. I am stumped. Everything I’ve thought of thus far is way over my budget, but I also want to get her something useful in the $50-$100 range.

    If there is something you received that you loved, I would love to hear. Thanks!

    1. 1) business card carrier. I just finished 2L and I would love one. I think NOLA has suggestions for good ones.
      2) business card holder with their name engraved for their desk at work. Only catch: if it’s a woman who might change her name when she gets married, this might not be a great idea. See yesterday’s discussion on changing last names for thoughts on this.
      3) fancy pants pen. Recommending only because I’ve heard such things exist – not because I think it would be terribly useful

      1. Thanks. I’ve got several business card carriers and don’t really use them, so was waffling on it. Good to know some people actually like them.

        On the fancy pen–I received one when I graduated from college and only now is it becoming useful… feels silly to present el cheapo pharma pens when you need a fancy signature in front of clients/opposing counsel. But am not at a level where I can drop $500 (which is the cost of the pen I received…I had no idea).

        1. I started buying them for graduates after I bought one for myself and I use it constantly. My business cards were getting so yucky even in a pocket of my purse that I needed to keep them in something separate. I use mine for business cards and my university i.d. because I can easily pull it out of there when I go to the gym. YMMV.

          I have bought the Lodis mini Audrey card case for several graduates. I also just ordered a case in a basic blue from Kate Spade during the last surprise sale because it was so inexpensive and I think I’ll just squirrel it away for next year. If the person is planning on traveling, Lodis also has pretty passport holders.

          1. The Lodis card cases are my go-to graduation gift too! Sometimes N-rdstrom R-ack has them at approx 50% off….

        2. If you don’t want to spend a lot on the case, I got the Henri Bendel one featured here a few weeks ago & it is a lot of bang for the buck — it’s cute, stylish & comes in really nice packaging. I also liked someone’s suggestion of a putting a check in the case — that one is reasonable enough to do both the case & a check in your price range.

    2. Engraved business card case (but just with her initials — do NOT put “esq” on anything)
      Nice wallet
      Leather padfolio
      Simple gold, silver, or pearl studs
      Gift certificate to a lunch place near her new office (if she has a job lined up)
      Frame from her university for her diploma (but make sure it’s the right one for the law school — my university had different size diplomas for each school)
      Nice travel cosmetic bag set (especially if her job will require travel)
      Pashmina or other wrap, to wear as a light layer over work clothes outdoors or as a wrap for a cold office

    3. My best friend just graduated law school and I bought her this small wallet/card holder:

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/tory-burch-robinson-transit-pass-wallet/3445535

      I have something similar to hold my work ID card and transit pass (don’t like taking my whole wallet every time I need to swipe into my building or get on the bus) and have found it really useful. Bloomingdale’s has that same Tory Burch one in several colors, and Marc by Marc Jacobs also has some cute options.

    4. Black’s Law Dictionary and write a note in the front. I asked my sister for this when I graduated law school and it’s great to keep in my office and even use from time to time.

      1. These come in different sizes/styles. I think it’s a great recommendation, but if it’s a gift, make sure to get the nice, leather-bound one. (Somehow the cheapie little paperback version I kept in my backpack in law school wouldn’t strike me as a great graduation gift.)

  11. For the poster who planned to visit London…

    Check out Sandemann’s (sp?) New Europe tours. I’ve done the ones for Paris, London, and Versailles, both free and paid, and I can’t recommend them enough. They have native English speakers who have lived in the cities in question for years, and are both very knowledgeable and a blast to be around. I would take one of those over a bus tour any day.

    Also, if that sort of thing interests you, check out the Imperial War Museum. It’s not free, but it is wonderful- my one regret is that I could only spend a couple of hours.

  12. Hive – I subscribe to Marie Claire and it arrived a couple of days ago so I settled down to skim it last night. One of the articles was an interview with Marianne Lake, new CFO of JPMorgan. The following question and answer exchange has me fuming and I’m wondering if I’m overreacting…
    Q: You are the single mother of a one-and-a-half-year-old son, having chosen to have a child on your own. How do you manage, given the intense demands of your job?
    A: So far, so good. I rely on a small circle of friends and my great nanny. In the mornings, I try to spend anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes with my son. Failing that, I try for 30 to 60 minutes together at the end of the day. I try to make that work, but if I can’t, I just move on. You can’t beat yourself up about it. I never worried about raising a kid on my own. I’m 42, not 20 with my eyes closed. The circumstances aren’t traditional, but I didn’t hesitate to do it.
    Really? Is he just an accessory? Am I crazy or does that seem utterly selfish? I’m serious. I don’t have children, not really by choice, but I suppose at some point it became a choice. I am an aunt, and I cannot even begin to fathom choosing to be a single parent and choosing to spend a maximum of one hour per weekday with my child. I concede this is me being totally judgmental, but I just had such a visceral reaction that I need to know if I’m totally off base. Thoughts???

    1. I don’t have children yet, but he doesn’t sound like an accessory – he sounds like the young child of a working parent. If he’s sleeping approximately 7pm-7am, then that doesn’t leave a lot of before-work or after-work hours to spend together.

      Now, if she was only seeing a teenager for an hour a weekday, that’d be a bit strange…

      But this? Seems normal to me. And consistent with what i’ve heard from other working parents.

    2. Wow this strikes me the same way as it strikes you. It sounds inappropriate at best to admit that she doesn’t seem to care about spending time with her child. Hopefully he has a fabulous nanny, and maybe she plans to become more involved as he gets older….? Some of my friends are uninterested in babies and much more interested in walking, talking, learning children, but it still seems like an odd thing to put in a magazine. Also feels like they’re encouraging Marie Claire readers to have babies – “see it isn’t even much time at all!” Yuck. Interested to see what others have to say though.

      1. I don’t see that she’s saying she doesn’t care about spending time with her child. She says she tries to see him in the morning and/or at night, but if she can’t, she doesn’t beat herself up about it. Good for her. I hate it when women deride themselves as being bad mothers because they aren’t able to spend as much time with their kids as they’d like to. Sometimes it’s just reality, and it’s a lot more healthy to accept reality in a positive way instead of wringing your hands about it.

    3. This comment doesn’t make any sense “I never worried about raising a kid on my own.”

      Well yes, but based on the fact that 99% of the time the kid is being raised by someone else, then clearly you don’t have anything to worry about.

      Each to their own choices, but even though I don’t want kids and never have, my reaction was quite similar to yours!

      1. The child is being raised by his mother 100% of the time. Providing child care does not equal raising a child.

    4. I know lots of people who only spend an hour or so a workday with their babies. They get up early to play with the baby then go to work. Often the baby is asleep by the time they get home. Some try to get home before the baby goes to bed to see him/her for 15-20 min, then they hop back on the computer once the baby’s asleep. Plus I bet she can afford an amazing nanny.

      1. I’ve heard people on this blog be MUCH more judgmental about the amount of time someone can spend with a dog when it is about the same—an hour per day. People get all riled up about how can you do that to a dog, dogs are pack creatures, etc. Isn’t it worse with a child?

        2. Because dogs aren’t being cared for by anyone. If you are a rich person and can afford to hire a dog nanny, by all means get one. Is the editor of marie clear leaving her baby alone in the house with no one? No she isn’t. There is a huge difference between getting an hour a day, and the rest with no one, and being well cared for and interacted with by family and nanny, and you also get an hour a day in.

        3. Not sure how I feel about this overall debate, but must point out that leaving a kid at day care/with a nanny/in an otherwise healthy environment is much different than leaving a dog at home, in a crate, alone all day, species differences aside. Your analogy would only correlate if we were discussing leaving a kid in a closet or otherwise away from human interaction all day. People advocating against big law lawyers getting dogs were fine if the dogs were left at doggie day care or had a walker several times a day.

        4. No, because people are referring to overall socialization. People are not leaving their kids at home alone for 12 hours a day. The children are in stimulating environments such as schools or daycares, learning from and interacting with teachers and peers.

    5. Stop worrying about how other women are raising their children. he is not being abused, he is obviously cared for and she has a lot of help. Seriously, why do you care?

    6. Would it be selfish for a father to say this?

      [For the record, when my children were small, they were up by 7 in the morning and asleep for the night by 6:30. I worked flexible hours so that I could actually see them awake during their early years.]

      1. Cosign. This wouldn’t raise eyebrows if it were coming from a man, even if he were a single parent. I work with low income families in my line of work and there are many single and double parent households where the parents work such long hours that they don’t often get to see their kids much. I doubt they’d be accused of treating their kids as accessories. I think the driving motivation for many parents is to work as hard as they can to provide the *best* – not just adequate or the bare minimum, but the best – that they can for their children, and I am sure it’s the same for a VP at JP Morgan as it is for a parent who works long shifts or multiple jobs.

        Also I read it as her spending that time entirely focused on her son, not just as “I see my son around for 60 min a day” – an hour a day of focused exclusive time with your child is pretty good.

      2. If he were a single father, I think it would be equally selfish. That said, I haven’t seen an equivalent uptick in single men deciding to have children on their own without a partner. I know single fathers, but they were all left/widowed by the woman, and not single fathers by design.

        1. A lot of married fathers don’t see their children a lot (they are cared for by others — wife, wife + nanny or day care if the wife works, wife + in school if the chilren are older) during the week, especially if they have any sort of commute.

          Our house when our children were younger:

          6: adults up (children asleep)
          7: children up, adults hurrying to get everyone ready and get out the door
          8: out the door, commute, drop off children, drive to job
          9: at job (me; husband probably got in by 8:30)
          4: me leave job, pick up children
          5: home if traffic not bad, scramble for food, deal with pump; feed baby; furiously check bberry; bath for baby
          6ish: ; husband gets home if he’s not on travel / in meetings / etc., which is often
          6:30/7: baby sacked our for the night

          A lot of jobs aren’t even as family-friendly as my husband’s and our commute is relatively short. It gets much better when the kids are up past 8 — you can really enjoy the time together in the late afternoon / evening.

        2. Regardless of whether it’s by choice or design (btw, divorce is also a choice), the net effect on the child would be the same. If being a single working parent (mom or dad) is selfish, then the only thing that would work is making a law that says all single parents have to remarry within x months of becoming a single parent and make sure their new spouse can stay at home all day with their child.

    7. Why the heck would you care about how she is raising her child? We all don’t have to be whatever you think is the “perfect mom.”

    8. I wouldn’t be able to spend that little time with my kids, but YMMV. Many of the people I know who work long hours only spend an hour a day (during the week) with their kids, particularly when they are babies/toddlers and sleep 7-7. The people who have partnership/high level jobs that require a lot of hours don’t really see their kids during the week.

      Again, not my choice, but it is very common.

      1. This. I had the luxury of working p/t from home when my kids were small and started back to work f/t when my youngest was 2. Dh is a very involved dad & planned his career (teacher) so that he could have more time with the family and not work crazy hours. However, I know that many if not most people don’t have that luxury, and really, you do what you have to do. In my current position I sometimes don’t see my boys at all on the last day of the month. I don’t like it, but it must be done, and as a family we deal.

        I hate the mommy wars and try very, very hard not to think poorly of parents who make different decisions than I would because the majority of the time they are making decisions based on what they believe is best for their family.

    9. You really can’t fathom why someone would choose to be a single mother?

      I don’t think it’s selfish that she’s choosing to provide for her child by working. The kid will be fine.

    10. Just to echo what everyone else is saying: If the child is only awake from 7 am(ish) to 7:30ish, that doesn’t leave you much time to spend during the week with him. I’m lucky enough that I can spend some time in the morning (an hour or so while getting ready) and leave work at 5 some days to be able to pick him up by 5:45. That still isn’t a lot of “quality” time each night. If I have something after work? I don’t get to see him that night.

      I don’t read her comment as not caring about spending time with her baby. I think most (all?) working moms realize the trade-off. You can either accept the reality that you have a job that will require you to spend many waking hours away from your child and that you presumably work because you either need the money or value your job (or both), or you can spend years feeling horribly guilty for spending waking away from your child.

      1. If you don’t see him because you have something after work, who does take care of him? I’m trying to understand juggling work and a baby if I choose to be a single mom which is something I need to figure out soon. I know everyone’s circumstances are different, but I don’t want to be starting out without some understanding of what I’m facing.

        1. My friend who’s a single mom has an au pair (live-in). Her kid is in school so the au pair handles from 2-8 pm or so every day, and then maybe some time in the morning.

          The people I know who have young kids and long hours have nannies who also work long hours, and will stay with the kids, make them dinner, put them to bed, etc., until the parents get home.

          Some jobs will also let you leave at 5, get home, put your kid(s) to bed, and then get back online from, say, 8 to 11. I knew several people in biglaw who did this.

        2. Well, I’m not a single mom so if I have something after work I’ll either coordinate with my husband, our nanny, or the family that we have in the area. We’re very lucky and planned ahead to live in a city where we have both sets of grandparents and therefore childcare isn’t a huge issue.

        3. Most of the working moms I know don’t “have something after work.” They don’t attend happy hours or receptions or evening meetings or anything. I think that’s a choice.

          For what it’s worth, the woman in the article never said she was content with this arrangement. We all do the best we can do for our families.

          1. That must be nice. For those of us that have to develop business or attend to clients’ needs, we don’t get the luxury to turn down every after work appointment. Sure, I could turn down anything that wouldn’t let me leave the office by 5, but then other coworkers would have to pick up that slack.

            I think all this proves is that there really isn’t a “perfect life.” We all just do what’s best for our families and for us and then deal with the consequences (good and bad) of those decisions.

          2. Right. They don’t have jobs where after-hours work is necessary, and therefore have a different career track. It’s all a trade-off.

            We all have to do what’s right for us.

    11. I agree with you that it’s sad, but I think this is sadly very common amongst the BigLaw, Big Finance, executive set. A lot of people I know have kids that are primarily raised by nannies and see their kids one hour a day or less.

      1. There are some interesting studies out there about how much real time stay at home parents actually spend with their kids. Typically it’s not nearly as much as people think. Sure, the parent may be in the house, but often times focused on cooking, cleaning, watching TV, on the computer, talking to friend, etc. I’m not knocking them for that, it’s life, but it’s not like they’re spending every second playing educational games with their kids or whatever. I may not spend many hours a day with my kids, but when they were little, they got my undivided attention from the time I got home to when they went to bed — no emailing, no reading the mail, no watching the news. Now that they’re older, they don’t want to spend time with their parents anyway.

        1. And there are studies that show that quantity can beat quality in time spent–knowing that the parent is in the next room matters a lot, even if there seems to be no interaction whatsoever, or if that interaction consists of kid bringing in latest Lego creation for 3 min every hour or two and parent stopping by to say hi on the way to the bathroom.

          1. And there are studies that show that each family should do whatever works best for their own particular family, and that as long as everyone is fed/clothed/sheltered/loved, then all is well and everyone else can take off their judgey pants.

            Or at least their should be.

          2. Oh sure, ’cause if a kid is parked in front of the TV for three hours, I have no doubt that knowing mom is in the next room makes all the difference in the world. Look, I’m just saying that if you take all those “3 min every hour or two” increments that you’re talking about and add them up, they probably don’t add up to much more time than this woman is talking about spending with her kid. I have a hard time seeing how just the mere fact that a parent is present in the home, if not interacting with the child, is some huge benefit.

    12. Infuriated, really? I find that really sanctimonious.

      How much time do you think a *person* who works outside the home can spend with a child? Before and after work are the only options. And much of that time coincides with baby’s sleep time.
      What alternative, exactly, would you propose?

      1. How much time? More than 15 – 60 minutes less than 5 days a week. Alternatives? (1) Choosing not to be a parent, or not to be a parent until you can afford to make a change in lifestyle to allow for more time at home. (2) Changing work schedule – babies aren’t babies forever. (3) Changing job/career (see #1). (4) Choosing to co-parent with someone – a recent trend. Babies don’t need things, they need a parent. Just some options. I give my dog more attention than her 1-1/2 year old son.

        1. Now we’re really getting sanctimonious. So just because this woman spends less time with her child than you’ve deemed necessary, now she’s not a parent? This is why it sucks to be a working mom — not because of the actual demands of juggling work and family, but because there’s always someone — almost invariably a woman, no less — who wants to get all judgmental about how you’re doing it.

        2. So you’re expecting a women who has probably worked her a s s off to get where she is as CFO of a major bank, to step back and do something else? Should she be a bank teller instead? There’s not a lot of careers in Finance that do have 9-5 hours…

          And in terms of co-parenting, she said she had a lot of help, and I think that’s just as good as someone having a baby with their gay best friend, or something like that.

        3. It seems that the logical conclusion from this idea is that women cannot be both a CFO of a major bank and a mother. Focusing on childcare most of the day is uncommon historically, as women have typically had to forage, farm, clean, cook, tend fires, gather water, darn socks, etc.

          Hmmm, wonder why the percentage of women in the c-suite is so small? This idea does not help increase the percentage at all.

    13. The other side of this coin is that there are plenty of (obviously not ALL) SAHMs, part-time working moms, or 40 hr/wk moms who are with their kids many more hours of the day but spend less quality time with them. They just park the kids in front of the television, talk on the phone the whole time they’re at the park, don’t eat family dinners, etc.

      Is 15-60 minutes per day ideal? Probably not, but if that kid has her undivided attention during that time, it might be that she gets more quality time with her kids than other people do.

    14. It made me so sad when I went back to work after having my first child and realized how little time I was going to have with him each day (as others have mentioned, being a full-time working parent of a baby/toddler pretty much means waking up, taking the kid to daycare/leaving him with the nanny, getting home around 5 or 6 (if you are lucky), dinner, bath and in bed around 7:30). But what is the alternative? Only parents who can afford to stay at home or work part time get to have kids? As they get older, they gradually start staying up longer and start talking, so you can have more interactive quality time with them – but yes, most of the parent/child bonding time is going to happen on the weekend (and let’s be clear, on the weekend my husband and I spend most of our waking hours with the kids so it’s not like we’ve completely outsourced their upbringing).

      I also agree 100% that we would not be having this conversation if a man made this statement (although, he wouldn’t, because no one ever asks men this question and most of them don’t really give it much thought other than I’m doing what I have to in order to keep a roof over our heads). I used to feel exactly the same way as the OP until I realized the reality of the time constraints working parents face. I’ve come to the realization that, while we pay a lot of lip service to celebrating women’s choices (to stay home, to work full time, to have kids or not) we are still soooo judgmental of those choices.

    15. I like that she mentioned her circle of close friends. Sounds like the kid is going to grow up knowing there are a variety of adults who care about it, even if they’re not blood relatives.

    16. @Infuriated
      We thank you for your zealous enforcement of mother-as-martyr. We further applaud your upholding of arbitrary standards such as mothers being required to spend at least a full hour with their children. Without women like you, the patriarchy would have lost its control over society long ago.

    17. What I find infuriating is being judged by someone who doesn’t have children and as such never had to make the choices that she thinks other mothers should make. Babies sleep a lot. When my twins were very young, I probably spent about an hour a day of quality time with them–a little in the morning before we went to daycare and a little in the evening before they went to bed. They slept roughly 6:00 to 6:00. I’ve had days where I missed milestone doctor’s appointments that my husband had to handle alone, where I didn’t see my kids for several days, where my kids clearly preferred another caregiver. Add to that that, as twins, they had to further split my attention. I guess by your assessment, I probably shouldn’t be a mother. What I know is that my children have a lot of people who love them and whom they love. I know that they are happy, adjusted, wonderful 5 year olds who don’t seem emotionally scarred. I know I’ve spent countless hours in the middle of the night rocking them to sleep, been vomited on dozens of times, and been instrumental in teaching them to be wonderful 5 year olds. I know that they are confident, independent, smart little people who don’t need me to be the center of their universe or there 24/7 to know that I’m their mother. I use that as a guide, not the sanctimonious ramblings of someone who doesn’t have the slightest clue what goes on in my life.

      So yes, I think you are totally off base.

    18. I think reading it in print like that was shocking as a fellow non-parent but the more I thought about it and the reaction it raised in me, I really loved that she was so matter-of-fact about it all.

      Even if you are a regular ol’ working parent, let alone one of the most powerful people on wall street, that is pretty much how much you will see your very young child on a work day.

      I know that she makes light of how difficult it must be to be a single mother in her position, but I am sure she faces tremendous challenges. To have the child, despite facing such adversity, I think is a testament to how wanted and loved this child is.

      I was, however, really disappointed with her answers regarding the lack of women in the c suite. She totally dodged the issue of discrimination. I did like that she took a very minor swipe at Sheryl Sandberg to say that she didn’t really see women who reflected Sheryl’s idea that women weren’t really leaning in enough.

      In general, I really liked this issue. I had gotten this subscription for free but this made me think about actually renewing.

    19. Thank you to all who provided constructive feedback to my post. As I stated up front, I don’t have kids, and I didn’t know if I was totally off base – that’s why I asked. Apparently I am. I had no idea that a working mother typically spends less than an hour a day with a child on weekdays. I have only one friend who chose to be a single mother, and that wasn’t her experience. I knew I was being judgmental, admittedly so, and appreciate the comments that explained to me what life is like as a mom to a baby. The reason I posted in the first place was to understand better where the CFO was coming from. If I didn’t want to know more, and wasn’t open to the information, I wouldn’t have asked. For those who merely criticized my post without more – if that was all I had read, I wouldn’t be any better educated or have changed my initial opinion. Opportunity missed.

      1. A very mature and reasoned response to an onslaught of criticism. I applaud you, as I’ve been under the beehive firing squad on this site more than once for posting similarly controversial (even if qualified) questions.

      2. I think you might have gotten less “criticism with nothing more” if the tone of your original post weren’t so inconsiderate. Do unto others as you would have done to you… so to speak.

        1. This. You brought it on yourself and shouldn’t be surprised or expected any different. If you just asked rather than judged, the responses would probably be nicer.

      3. Its not my job to teach you out of sexist opinions. Her CHILDREARING decisions are absolutely none of your business, and its attitudes like yours that have been holding women back for years. “Oh but she has kids, should she really be partner? Isn’t that selfish?”

        1. ??? I don’t see how asking for thoughts and changing my opinion is holding women back. To the contrary, by posters taking the time to provide instructive feedback I can be counted as one more woman understanding better the circumstances and challenges of other women in whose shoes she has never and will never walk. Changing the negative perceptions and opinions of others surely is more worthy of a post than simply berating them. Or maybe you’d rather just be superior and judgmental, as I admittedly was, and not try to make a positive change. Your choice. But don’t complain about attitudes of others if you do nothing to change them. I’m grateful for the different perspective. Being open to change is healthy. I would say I will ask the question differently in future, but apparently even asking the question is not appropriate because “its not [your] job to teach [me] out of [insert whatever you like here] opinions.” Got it. Thanks. Back to clothes, hair and makeup.

          1. You weren’t asking any question. You said I feel angry and judge a woman who you do not know for not being a good enough mom. That’s not asking “I was surprised to read that. I guess I don’t know much about how much working moms see their babies or how much babies sleep etc.”You said I feel entitled to comment on this complete strangers’ childrearing choices. Your attitude, that women should scale back in order to be better mothers, is the exact problem feminists have been trying to fight for years. Because it means a woman has to chose between 1) being seen as a mom, 2) scaling back, or 3) not being a mom at all. You have no right to judge a stranger’s choices, but people feel the right to do this to women all the time. The child is not being left alone all day- this is a very successful woman with lots of resources. Please don’t act like you “were just asking a question” – you weren’t. You were hoping everyone would agree with your completely out of line outrage

      4. I do think this is a very mature response, but I hope you also understand that you didn’t ask for feedback in the best way, that you casually insulted a big chunk of working mothers based on something you read in a fashion magazine, and that you were maybe just an eensy bit out of line. What it’s hard to understand when you aren’t a working mother is how ridiculously unfair it is that we even have to defend our every choice. I would expect that any working woman would have empathy for the tough decisions we all face. Instead, if I leave early to spend more time with my kids, then I’m that annoying person with kids who doesn’t pull their weight. If I work as hard or harder than everyone else (which I have to do because I’m a woman), then I’m a selfish, unnatural mother.

        Why do we do this to each other as women. It’s so much more refreshing to just be judged based on my clothes.

    20. This reminds me of an episode of “Downton Abbey” in which the Dowager Countess was giving parenting advice to a pregnant Mary. Isobel Crawley, I think, said “Cousin Violet, I’m surprised you have such strong opinions. I’d have expected someone of your station to have spent only an hour a day with your children when they were young.”

      The Countess drew herself up straight, huffed and puffed, and said, “Well, yes, my dear. But it was an hour EVERY day!”

      Cracked. me. up.

  13. Can anyone suggestion styling with The Skirt? I am needing to update my professional wardrobe (mostly business casual law office) and I feel like that would be a good starting point.
    For some reason I am having trouble looking at the skirt on the website and then selecting tops that will go with it. And knowing me, I will end up buying two black shirts and two white shirts…so suggestions would be much appreciated!

    1. It looks great with printed blouses. If you’re color shy try prints that pick up the skirt’s base color, or try neutral top with another bright color in a cardigan with it. E.g. I wear my kelly green Skirt with a white tee and cobalt cardigan (side note: I get tons of wear out of my cobalt cardigan. It also looks great with the Skirt in magenta and grey). Polka dots are fun to wear with it– try a silk/chiffon polka dot blouse for dressing up, polka dot tee for dressing down.

      I also wear mine a lot with tie-neck blouses.

    2. I’m wearing mine today with a longer tunic type of top (just tuck it in, the lining hides the outlines) that I got from Target. I also wear The Skirt frequently with sheer polka dot tops I’ve gotten from Nordstrom (don’t know if they are still on the site) with tanks under. Striped shirts from J Crew and Zara. Basically, my Skirts are workhorses and I wear them ALL the time.

      1. It is at Nordies. The halogen line … a ponte seamed skirt. Used to be more curvy on the hip line and great for curvy gals. Last year a redesign made the seams all straight. So there are those that love The Skirt and those that love the The New Skirt. Right now, they only seem to be carrying The New Skirt. Lined. Usually lots of colors and, best of all, wear.like.iron. On sale now.

        Nordies, if you’re reading … I’ve told you about this site! If you’re reading, PLEASE consider making the Halogen skirt in both styles. You’d sell twice as many, catering then to both straight and curvy figures. Please.

        1. I had a feeling that’s what it was, thanks for the explanation! So, do the straighter figures like the New Skirt then?

        2. Yikes! This isn’t what I mentioned as fitting yesterday for a curvy figure. This is the right I meant: (link to follow)

  14. You are off base. It is not your place to be judgmental, much less “infuriated,” over someone else’s choice on how to parent their child. I don’t find it even vaguely selfish for a single professional woman to decide that she’s not going to wait around for Mr. Right forever and go ahead and have a child on her own. Indeed, I applaud it. Good for her for making the life she wants. There are zillions of children who have been raised by a single working parent who have turned out great, including by single parents who either by necessity or by choice worked long hours. This woman is the CFO of JP Morgan, it’s not like her kid’s being neglected or locked in a closet while she’s at work.

      1. That wasn’t the reference I had in mind when I picked the moniker, but today I’m feeling a little bad-a$$, so Gus Fring works for me.

      2. Ha! Love that that dude Giancarlo Esposito is just as much of a bad*ss on Revolution now. He’s such a great villian.

        (Although Revolution isn’t great.)

    5. This.

      There are so many poor and neglected children in the world. This is certainly not one of them.

      Sometimes I think many on this board grew up in an idealized and/or privileged home environment, but for much of the world (and this country) it is nothing like that. My childhood was hellish, and having 2 educated parents at home doesn’t guarantee much.

  15. Along the lines of the personal safety discussions here today (very helpful, thanks) –
    I moved to a single family home in a safe area recently. It has multiple exits (front door, door to garage, two doors to yard).
    I’m debating (a) putting in a security system, or (b) installing a number lock on the front door that someone mentioned in another post.
    I’m not sure which of these, or both, I should do, or whether there’s a different solution.
    My concerns? Though it’s a safe area, I’ve largely lived in apartments and feel a bit more vulnerable, especially with the multiple exits. I’m also concerned that I or DH will forget to lock/check all the doors at night (which has happened once, and once the front door was left unlocked through the day by a friend who was visiting.) But will either of the two solutions fix this problem? Is a security system worth the expense?
    TIA.

    1. I have lived in a house for some time and my impression is that the security system is mostly for piece of mind. We don’t have ours monitored, but I like that it tells us if it is “ready.” If it isn’t ready, then we know a door/window/ the garage door aren’t shut properly. Sadly, it doesn’t detect just an unlocked door, and we have left one unlocked before, which terrified me.
      I am also interested to see what others say about the keyless entry. Do you worry that someone will crack the code?

    2. Honestly, I’d make a list of all the entrances/exits of your home, put it on your nightstand, and get in the habit of doing a walk-through before you go to sleep each night. Maybe both you and your DH can do it; maybe one of you can do it; maybe you can alternate. Having a list will help you remember to do it, help you remember all of the spots to check, and will help you if someone housesits or if you or DH go out of town. I live in an apartment, but I still check the door before I go to bed every night.
      I might also put in a security system and install a number lock on the front door, just because I’m more of a city person (who feels unsafe in the ‘burbs) so I’m sure others will have suggestions too.

    3. How safe is safe? There are areas in which people don’t lock their doors (I live in one of those). You could just unlock whichever door you use and keep the rest locked all the time.

    4. I think I’m the one who mentioned the keypad lock. I don’t think it adds any additional safety. We just have it for convenience (e.g., don’t need to dig through your purse for keys). You still have to remember to lock it when you leave the house or when going to bed at night.

      1. The one I have locks automatically behind you in 30 seconds. I’d look for that feature if you are interested in using it as a measure to make sure your door is locked.

        I really really love my keyless entry lock. I cannot say enough good things about it.

        The reason why I got it is because I live in the heart of a major NE city and am always too lazy to lock/unlock the door behind me when I take my dog out at night, but dont feel 100% uncomfortable with a door unlocked with my sometimes sleeping husband inside. This solves both the laziness/lack of pockets issue and the safety issue.

    5. You could get motion sensors to put on the doors so if they are opened they make a noise. That way if you forget to lock a door then you’ll know when it is opened. There are security systems that have this option as well.

      You could also install locks on all the doors that automatically lock when closed for peace of mind, but it is possible you could get locked out.

      1. Some good friends have a security system like that. When you open the front door, the alarm loudly says “Front door,” ditto for the back door. We live in a pretty safe small town, and they have kids that like to play outside, so always locking the doors isn’t practical, but this way they at least know when someone comes in or out. The only downside is that sometimes the youngest gets woken up from her nap because one of her sisters opened a door.

    6. I know this sounds overly simplistic/common sense, but it works for us –

      When you enter through a door, you close and immediately lock it. If you are the last one home (ie, everyone else who lives in the house and could be expected to return home that day – meaning not on a business trip out of town), then you deadbolt it as well.

      We never have an “unlocked door”. Ever.

      To me, this isn’t paranoid. This is home defense 101.

    7. Thanks all. Yes, I know we should be better at locking and checking doors. We are planning to change the locks anyway so will consider the keypad lock (I hope it isn’t too hard to install). If anyone has additional advice about pros and cons of a home security system, I’d love to hear it.

  16. Hey y’all – I know not everyone likes it when I pimp my site on here so I do try to keep it to a minimum – but I wanted to alert anyone who is interested that I’m running a little contest where three people are going to win internet-based personal shopping with yours truly. So if you’re interested in that, click on over to the bloggy blog and see the rules.

    Okay. Sorry. Return to your regularly scheduled program now.

      1. Click on my username here and it will bring you there (hint – if a username is blue on here it means the person has entered a website when they added their comment.)

    2. I’m not paid to say this, but if you haven’t been on TCFKAG’s blog lately-GO! So many cute summer things!

  17. I have a question for the ladies of the hive. My skin is oily and acne prone. Currently my skin care routine is: wash face with Paula’s Choice skin balancing face wash, clindamiacin (sp?) from my derm, Paula’s Choice skin balancing spf daily moisturizer, with benzoyl peroxide spot treatment when needed. At night I switch the clindamiacin for retin-a.

    My skin is increasing in oiliness, and I’m getting a LOT of little acne bumps (never had these before), along with blackheads. Would an at home peel help this? I’m looking at Juice Beauty’s peel (regular strength), but I’m really out of my league here.

    1. This will probably sound crazy, but I recently greatly increased the amount of spinach I eat, and my skin cleared up a whole lot. I don’t have any experience with at home peels.

      1. That’s not crazy. There have been studies done that shows that low-GI diets clear up acne with a pretty great success rate. Spinach fits into that.

    2. Any chance you are an on a progesterone only BC pill? My acne and oiliness got horrible with Camilla. Now that I’ve been off it for 3 months things are back to normal. Or this could be another hormone issue (PCOS). I also started limiting gluten for my migraines, and any time I eat pasta I’ll get a break out. Also, limit dairy. Peels may actually strip your skin more and cause more oiliness. Could you go every-other-day with the Retin-a to give your skin a break? Sometimes less is more when it comes to skincare.

    3. I have skin a lot like yours, it sounds like. I’ve found the acne.org message boards to be helpful… lots of advice therein.

      I changed my skin care regimen (modified from the acne.org recommendations) about a year ago and my skin has readically improved since then.

      What I do, once in the morning and once at night:
      – Wash with Cetaphil to get the gunk off
      – Use the Clarisonic with Cetaphil to open up the pores (at night only)
      – Smear benzol peroxide aaaaaaallllll over my face and wait for it to dry
      – Moisturize

    4. I’ve noticed that my face got super greasy with Ziana gel. I think manufacturers put emollients and other moisturizing wizardry in retin-A formulas to help offset dryness.

      I like the clindamycin wipes over a cream/ointment. That really helped with blackheads. And when I mentioned blackheads, my dermatologist switched me over to Aczone. Definitely not as greasy as Ziana. He also prescribed me a sulfur face wash. I’m not that regular with all the acne stuff (I use everything like once or twice a week) but none of this stuff dries out my skin like benzoyl peroxide and my skin is 8000% better than before.

      Also, it could be heat/humidity, diet change or other medication changes that makes your face greasy. Make sure to moisturize at night with something super thick so that your skin doesn’t compensate for all the medicine you’re putting on it with extra oil production.

    5. It seems very counter intuitive, but sometimes your body starts producing more oil when you’re trying to dry it out. If that’s the case, the more retin-a and oxy type stuff you use, the oilier your skin will get.

      Try the “oil cleansing method” (google for complete directions including types of oil to use and not use). You rub oil into your skin and then sort of steam it off. Because your skin feels nice and moisturized it produces less oil.

      And I love the CeraVe lotion. It’s very light absorbs quickly, but moisturizes well.

  18. Hey guys,

    An odd question, spurred in part by a snarky thing someone posted the other day: do you think less of people whose titles include the word “coordinator”? And should I therefore try to renegotiate the title for the job I was just offered, which is currently described as “___ Coordinator”?

    It’s a mid-level position, so “___ Director” or “Director of ____” wouldn’t be appropriate. “Assistant Director for ____” sounds awfully snazzy, but also isn’t quite right. Any ideas?

    1. I saw that comment and I thought it was so weird. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having “Coordinator” in your title. Maybe they were mentally linking it up with “administrative coordinator”? Which would be a mid-level admin position… In our organization, coordinator is generally (but not always depending on the specific unit/agency) one level below manager. Do you know what other standard titles in the company are? If that’s normal for that level, it would look really odd and presumptuous for you to ask to be called something else. And I can’t imagine most external people thinking – “Ew. Coordinator.”

      1. It’s a *teensy* company–there’s an executive director, an assistant director, and then a handful of coordinators and managers. (I’m not sure how the coordinators and managers relate hierarchically–they’re all in different silos). It hadn’t even occurred to me to wonder about the coordinator title until that post, and it sounds like I wasn’t the only one!

        Thanks for reassuring me.

    2. Nah bro, I can’t do my job without Construction Coordinators. There’s nothing wrong with that title to me.

    3. I work in a team-based organization where it seemed like everyone was being given the title “Coordinator.” So much so that it because meaningless. My immediate colleague and I realized that there was nothing about our titles that indicated that we were, in fact, supervising and managing the two major divisions of the organization. We made a proposal to our supervisor (the head of the organization) that our titles be changed to reflect that. It has made a huge difference for us in terms of our status within the larger entity for whom we work. So that said, I think there is a point when coordinator can be a meaningless title if it doesn’t truly reflect the status of the position.

  19. So, In about 3 weeks I’m going to Paris for a week for training for work. I’ve never been before, and I”m trying to make my time there as girly as possible since dh will be home with the kids. However, I have a somewhat limited souvenir budget. So, I’m going fabric shopping, going to the couture gown exhibit at Hotel de Ville, and planning on doing some shopping. I also will do a few touristy things (like the Eiffel Tower, Sacre Coeur, Musee d’Orsay, Notre Dame) but dh has promised that if I like the city we’ll go back again the two of us someday, so I’m not as concerned as doing ALL the touristy things. Besides that, I just don’t have the time. Versailles will have to wait.

    So, considering my time is fairly limited & not entirely my own (although I do arrive Sunday morning and am staying an extra day at the end) I’m planning on doing some shopping in the evenings after our training is done for the day, and I’m wondering if anyone has some store ideas for me. I work in a business casual environment, but more on the business side than the causal side. And I don’t drink at all. Like I said, my budget is a little bit limited and I won’t be buying anything that is more than 100E for a single item, but I would like some fun/nice/cool items to take home with me to remind me of my trip, which I’m expecting to really enjoy.

    Oh, and I’m staying in Montparnasse, if that matters. Any suggestions or advice would be great!

    1. You could try the Galleries Lafayette department store in the Montparnasse district. It’s not as fancy/pretty as the main GL by the Opera Garnier, but much closer to your hotel if you’re short on time.

      The Saint Germain des Pres area has a lot of great boutiques (Comptoir des Cottoniers, Sandro, and Zadig & Voltaire come to mind off the top of my head) and there are also fancier designer stores in that area if you like window shopping.

      You might also like the Marais neighborhood; there’s great shopping (both clothing & unique jewelry) on Rue des Roisiers and the surrounding area.

      Have fun!

    2. I haven’t been back to Paris for more than 10 years, but my grandmother has an apartment there and I LOVE the city. If you’re going to buy fabric, you should go to Montmartre. There are tons of fabric shops in that area.

      If you’re interested in fashion, I highly reccomend the Musée du Eventail (fan museum) which is small, but filled with gorgeous fans from different eras. There are a couple of other fashion museums (I think one is part of the Louvre), but it sounds like you may need to save them for a later trip. Enjoy Paris! It’s a great city.

    3. It’s a bit late but if you’re still reading, Dreyfus Marche St. Pierre on rue C. Nodier in Montmartre near the Sacre Couer basilica is a multi-storey fabric emporium which is a great stop in its own right, plus it anchors a lot of related businesses in the area. I also like la Droguerie on rue du Jour in the 2eme les Halles area, for all sorts of pretty haberdashery supplies.

      Both have some kind of on-line presence so you can check opening hours before you make the excursion over.

  20. I need to completely make over my underwear wardrobe. Suggestions on sexy/attractive/comfortable underwear? I like mostly boyshort styles – I am large of bum. I would also love suggestions for attractive bras for DD+ cup sizes. Everything I look at just seems so expensive…

    1. There’s some pretty underwear on-sale in the Nordies Half-Yearly sale, including some stuff that looks good for the bustier ladies. You might check it out.

    2. I was in Soma earlier today and they have a lot of nice things on sale right now. They also appeared to have a lot of options for bras in the DD+ range.

  21. Hope it’s not too late in the day. Does anyone have thoughts on whether the exposed seams on the Inhabit cashmere cardigan Kat featured make it too casual for work? I like it but am unsure. Thanks!

Comments are closed.