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Readers were discussing the best umbrellas a few months ago, and I set the topic aside because HEY, it will be spring soon, allegedly, some day, right?
This pictured “inside out” umbrella was recommended by a reader, and I like that it reverses so the wet part is tucked up inside the umbrella — great for when you've got a ways to walk indoors with a wet umbrella, or even for when you have to stick the umbrella in your bag when it’s still wet.
(I often just grab a plastic garbage bag before I run out the door on days like that to keep in my tote, but that’s me — it seems like no matter how diligent I am with bringing my own cloth bags I still seem to have a never-ending supply of plastic grocery bags!)
The pictured umbrella is $24.95 at Amazon, available in a ton of fun colors and prints. Reverse Inverted Inside Out Umbrella – Upside Down UV Protection Unique Windproof Brella That Open Better Than Most Umbrellas, Reversible Folding Double Layer
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon0321
My SIL got us this umbrella last year. I have to admit, I thought it was pretty useless at first, but it’s also great for packing stuff (ie toddlers) in your car while raining.
Ellen
I have a great umbrella, but I am not sure who makes it. I recommend it to the HIVE unconditionally! YAY!!!
Lana Del Raygun
Anybody drive a motor scooter? Driving, even without highways, would knock roughly an hour off my commute (round-trip), but I don’t want to spring for a car right now. How do they handle bad weather? Is is miserable to drive when it’s very hot or cold? Do you feel safe?
Anon
If you’re going to do it
1) wear a helmet
2) don’t drive on unpaved roads
3) don’t drive on high speed roads
4) don’t drive under the influence
And remember, you can be right and the driver of the car can be wrong, but in any collision between the two of you, you’re the one that loses.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4010945/
Anon
There’s a reason they call them donorcycles
https://www.workingmanlaw.com/blog/car-accidents/moped-accident-statistics.html
Horse Crazy
My boss calls motorcycle riders “organ donors”.
Anonymous
And thank goodness for them!
Anonymous
What kind of commute do you have?
Lana Del Raygun
About nine miles; an hour on transit or 30 minutes driving
anon
Many of my coworkers ride motorcycles. The rule they always cite is, “remember he can’t see you.”
Ive also shared the road for years with rental mopeds, geared below the limit where they would require an eendorsed liscence. Those little things get in so many terrible accidents because the engines aren’t powerful enough to give the driver any control to get out of the way.
Coach Laura
Depends on your commute but what about an electric bike? The market is exploding now.
Cincinnati Bound
The CDC is launching its first investigation into e-scooter injuries: https://www.engadget.com/2019/03/08/cdc-e-scooter-injury-study-austin/
“Preliminary observations from the study found that the vast majority of injuries — 98 percent of them — happen to riders who aren’t wearing helmets. Nearly half of all riders involved in accidents had a blood alcohol level above the legal limit, while 52 percent tested positive for an illicit substance. Taylor noted that while many people believe accidents occur at night, they happen at all hours of the day. They also rarely involve another vehicle.”
I don’t know much about scooters but that seems promising.
Lana Del Raygun
I’m thinking of something like a Vespa though, with a small gas motor, that I’d ride in traffic.
Anon
Honey you said below that you just had a kid. Now is not the time to be riding in traffic on an unsafe motorcycle. No way.
Idea
Eh, I’ve been in countries where families including kids ride on these. Obvs. If you have better safer options please use this but if this is it for whatever reason, it can be done safely.
Anon
That’s a lot like saying “I grew up never wearing a seatbelt and I’m fine.”
The statistics are the statistics. Seatbelts save lives, motorcycle riding in traffic is deadly. If OP has any safer choice (perhaps unlike the people you speak of) she should take it, especially with a baby at home.
Umbrella love
I love this umbrellas so much. Got it as a birthday gift and it has come in handy. It’s so nice to be able to use an umbrella and close it without getting wet. I just set it outside my door or in an umbrella caddy with drip pan to dry off.
Senior Attorney
+1 I have it in the “newspaper” print and I love it. In addition to the whole “doesn’t get wet outside” thing, I love the it’s easy to fold up when getting in and out of the car.
Anon
Please hit me with your best no-show sock suggestions for wearing with booties. Mine have perforations on the top so I prefer no color or skin color (somewhere between pale and ghost) socks because they will slightly show. I’m just looking for something that stays on and does not slide off my heel.
anon8
Haven’t tried them myself, but I have heard good things about the SmartWool no show socks.
Anonymous
I like mine from Nike (available on Zappos). They have a little piece of rubber along the heel that keeps them in place. Also a fan of Stance invisible socks, but not sure they have skin color versions.
anon
The only solution I have found to this problem is trial and error, unfortunately. I’ve tried socks with rubber and socks without, but I tend to just luck out in finding the pair that happens to stay on my heel and then guard that pair with my life!
Houda
I bought the converse no show socks based on a recommendation here. I am wearing them almost every day.
Anonymous
I’m looking for gift ideas for someone in Chicago — woman, early 30s, looking to spend anywhere from $100-150. Would like to get an experience gift of some sort but don’t have a lot of ideas to go on. Maybe a museum membership or a wine tasting class? Eternally grateful for ideas! Thanks!
Anon
https://www.artic.edu/support-us/membership/membership-levels
Anon
I was very confused by the misspelling of “arctic” before I clicked on the link. That’s a clever url.
Anon
Art institute is a great museum and looking at what you get for the regular membership, you more than break even with just a few visits. Its also the type of museum that you can’t see in one day. And that parking discount is stellar.
Hi Hi Hi
Two cooking class suggestions–done both and would recommend:
https://www.thechoppingblock.com/classes
https://www.eataly.com/us_en/classes-and-events/chicago
Had a friend recently attend the Magic Lounge and thought it was great — https://www.chicagomagiclounge.com/
Main rec would probably be one of the lengthier cooking classes at Eataly.
OP
Awesome, thank you!
AnonZ
I have also done a cooking class at Cooking Fools and thought it was really fun – I did the pasta-making class.
CHS
Aire Ancient Baths. Get a gc for a 90 minute visit plus a 30-min massage. Most relaxing thing evaaa
Disappointing Pregnancies
Hello all, I am firmly in camp child-free (and happily married so this isn’t a case of changing my mind when I meet someone) anyways… I am at the life stage where friends are starting to get pregnant on purpose and I can’t help but be disappointed in people when they just sort of follow the life path and have kids without critical thought. It feels like a loss so to speak, as my smart kick ass friends are no longer. Does anyone else feel this way? Most of my friends are environmentalist which results in a bit of a double whammy in that they’re usually abandoning their principles as well.
Anon
I am single and I also felt like I was losing all my friends when they started having babies. But I learned they’re still my friends and still smart, kick ass women. It’s just a different phase right now. The baby phase is short and the friends who truly care about you will still put effort into your friendship. And I LOVE being an auntie and having kids to spoil.
Lana Del Raygun
I had a child recently and I was pretty worried that I would lose my identity, partly because I heard so much “you just totally become a different person!!” from blogs but also, as my pregnancy progressed, because I noticed such a stark difference in how people treated me — only wanting to talk about babies and pregnancy and how I was feeeling (including a lot of people who didn’t have kids, so it wasn’t just a common experience thing). So I really, really value my friends who still did/do talk to me and relate to me as me, and recognize that I *am* the same person. If your friends are pulling away, it may be because they can tell you don’t see them anymore.
Anonymous
This. My childless by choice friends who have stayed close don’t expect me to talk about my kids all the time, don’t treat me differently and don’t cringe when I can’t make an event because I have to pick up my kids or whatever. They also have responsibilities whether it is pets they own or elder care issues or volunteer commitments or work issues. We’re not all in our 20s and only responsible for ourselves anymore. Friendships only change if you start treating your friends with kids differently. And if they are acting differently toward you it’s because they are tired of your judgment of their choices.
anon
Sort of. Friendships go both ways, and I sometimes people with kids throw themselves into it and don’t really seek out their old friends as often/meaningfully/about non-kid things. So I agree that part of the issue may be how the non-parent is treating their parent friend, but I’ve heard so many new parents basically say they don’t really feel like they need friends anymore. It goes both ways.
anon
Gotta say, people who ask how you’re feeling are only trying to do that to be kind and show we care, including that we care about you and not just your baby. Those of us who don’t have kids don’t have the common experience thing– I have nothing to offer to a discussion of pumping or day care selection– but I can express that I care by asking about how you’re feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling.
Lana Del Raygun
I know, and I do feel sort of churlish for being so annoyed by it. I should specify, though, that what bothered me was being asked by people I didn’t have close/personal relationships with, so it felt like pregnancy = all the personal questions. I did appreciate being asked by my friends.
Anonymous
Oh no you need to step way back off. You cannot be this entitled. Guess what? If you weren’t so self-righteous and judgmental you might see they are still smart and kick a$$. How do you know if they’ve engaged in critical thought? Maybe they haven’t, are emotions foreign to you?
I’m so glad with no kids and I often have a pang if sadness when friends get pregnant because it is a change, but this reaction is ridiculous
Anonymous
Ugh. Single with no kids not “so glad”
Ellen
Me too. I am working on it b/c Grandma Leyeh has encouraged me to spread my wings and look at guys I never would have before, b/c they are to schlubby. She also would NOT look down on me if somehow I got pregenant by one of these schlubs. But the mere thought of any of them huffeing and puffeing on top of me is pretty much more then I can bare! FOOEY! I want a child, but I want a child that is not Schlub, Jr. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Anon
Yeah wow OP this is a pretty obnoxious point of view. What happened to “you do you”? And what makes you think your friends have not considered their life plans as carefully as you have?
I will give you a hint – you’re not losing friends because they have babies. You’re losing friends because of your superiority complex.
anon
Wow, how judgmental. My advice is to stop trying to impose your priorities on everyone else. Just because someone chooses to have children doesn’t mean they aren’t still smart and kick ass. Especially at first, their lives will be all about their babies…. as it should be. But that doesn’t mean they have lost their identities or don’t care about the earth. People have different priorities and that’s okay. The best thing you can do is be there for them when they are ready to regain those shared parts of your identity and have time/energy for being social.
KTA
oh god all the moms are offended. heaven forbid someone expresses that having children is boring!
Anon
Uh what? The poster didn’t say that she thought children were boring she said she was disappointed in her friends having kids, that apparently people have kids without really thinking about it, and that you can’t be smart or kick a$$ if you have a kid.
I don’t care if you think my kid is boring. I love her so much but even I’ll admit she’s borning sometimes and understand no one will ever find her as interesting as me and her dad do. I don’t get offended by someone calling kids boring. But that’s not what this poster said at all.
If you don’t want kids don’t have them. But if your a judgy bit*h about your friends that have them then you’re a bad friend.
Anon
Just because something is boring to you, does not make it boring to everyone….
January
This feels awfully judgmental of people who have children.
Anonymous
It doesn’t feel. It straight up is.
Anon
yes, I’ve known a few strident ZPGers like the OP, and they definitely lost their kick-ass female freinds through this attitude.
nona
+1 to the oozing of judgement. OP said friends got pregnant on purpose. So they thought about what they wanted in life and decided it was kids. Smart and kick ass can’t also be moms? Geez. And parents can’t also be environmentalists? Who is going to care about the planet more than someone who has children that are going to live on that planet.
Just because they didn’t come to the same conclusion as you doesn’t mean they aren’t critical thinkers. Don’t fall getting off your high horse.
Coach Laura
If all the kick-ass women don’t have kids, who will? I doubt most kick-ass women get pregnant without thinking on it heavily.
Also, is OP saying that education is wasted on women who become mothers? That is a terrible sentiment. Is having a kick-ass career or life pre-motherhood precluded if someone eventually wants to be a mother? Crazy.
Anon
Amen. Pretty sure inequality is ever exacerbated by the fact that low-socioeconomic groups have several times more children as those with high socioeconomic status. Given the high inheritability of socioeconomic status, you’re actually doing the world a much bigger disservice. If ass-kicking you and your ass-kicking friends all forgo having kids, you’ve just deprived the world of an ass-kicking generation’s accomplishments fifty years later.
https://www.stlouisfed.org/on-the-economy/2016/december/link-fertility-income
busybee
If they’re getting pregnant on purpose, what makes you think they’re not giving it critical thought? Why do you think your friends are suddenly less smart because they’re mothers? This seems really smug.
Anonymous
Wait, you’re judging friends because they want to have kids?
Anon
I’d suggest reframing this in your mind. You said your camp child free and married – if you have vocalized this your friends understandably aren’t sharing their deep thoughts on why they want to have kids and if you haven’t they may be trying to spare your feelings by not talking about this because they may assume (incorrectly) that you want kids but can’t have them.
Just because your friends haven’t shared with YOU what changed their minds doesn’t mean that they haven’t given it critical thought.
Vicky Austin
+1 – “on purpose” but “without critical thought” seems kind of difficult to do. Trust your friends, OP – they may just recognize that you don’t want to share this journey and are sparing you the endless discussions thereof!
Anonymous
Assuming you’re in your 30s now, I can pretty much promise you that with only a few exceptions, most of these “kick a$$” women have given a huge heaping pile of critical thought to whether or not they wanted to children. They just came to a different conclusion than you. And that’s ok.
Good for them, not for me.
I’m firmly in your camp. I’m excited for my friends’ future happiness if children is what they want, but otherwise I’m disappointed because that means I won’t see them anymore, they’ll go into their pregnancy/kid era of life, and the friendship will be changed. **obviously I don’t ever say it aloud or bring it up to pregnant-friend** It’s an honest feeling, it’s how I feel, and I won’t ever deny it.
my solution has been to put myself out there and find a solid group of women who do not have kids and are not planning on it. It’s not like we talk about being child free all the time, it just is. it’s a fact of our lives and as a result we bond in a different way than I do with my friends-w-kids.
anon
Being disappointed that your relationship with your friends will change is worlds different from being disappointed IN your friends because they “didn’t exercise critical thought.” OP didn’t express what you’re expressing.
Anon
Agreed with anon at 4:10. When my best friend got engaged and I was still single, I was thrilled for her but I was also a little sad for myself, because I wanted to be married too, and although I was eager to support her at her wedding, I was already dreading all the questions from well-meaning friends and family about when I’d be “settling down.” But I would never have said I was disappointed in her. To me, disappointed conveys a belief that the person is making the wrong choice (even if you choose to be polite and keep that belief to yourself). The OP is saying that having kids is the wrong choice, not just that she’s sad that she’s going to see less of her friends as they become moms.
Sadie
I find this so weird. I am a kick ass professional woman. All of my friends are kick ass professional women. I have kids. Literally NONE of my best friends do. Our friendships are fine. We meet for wine, we have girls weekends, we protest shit together, we have amazing conversations.
These things don’t stop happening because at 35 your friends suddenly become idiots when they have kids. They change if you’re a judgy witch who doesn’t want to hear A SINGLE WORD ABOUT KIDS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT THEM SO YOU SHOULD PRETEND LIKE YOURS DON’T EXIST. That’s how people with OP’s attitude act.
Like, I hate dogs but I still like your stupid Instagram photos about your dog. Friends support each other. The only person failing here is OP.
Monday
Honestly, you will probably get a lot of criticism for how you’ve framed this. But you’re not alone. I am like you, and take comfort talking with my other intentionally child-free friends about this sort of alienation. It’s not just about diverging lifestyles, it’s also about diverging values sometimes.
My only advice is to make sure you spend time with like-minded, child-free people. One way I have explained it to friends who have kids: it’s like I live in a foreign country and have to speak the local language all the time. Occasionally, when I run into someone else who also speaks my native language, it’s a huge relief.
I also echo the prior comment that as kids age, some of your friendships may be less affected by parenthood.
Anonymous
Wow.
Anon
Wow, Monday, I normally really enjoy your comments here, but I’m shocked you agree with this tr0ll. You agree that merely getting pregnant makes someone “disappointing” to their friends and family? You agree that smart, kickass women are no longer smart and kickass because they have a child? You agree that people who get pregnant are likely not putting any critical thought into the decision? She’s not talking about being disappointed in friends who’ve had kids and then blown off their friendship, or about being sad that her life is diverging from a good friend’s life as they make different choices. Those are understandable reactions. But saying you’re disappointed in a friend simply because they made a (common and totally valid) choice to have a baby? And being sure your friend put no thought into the matter? Forget the judging, it just seems so wildly off-base from a factual perspective. I don’t know any high-achieving woman that hasn’t put an insane amount of thought into whether and how many kids to have.
Monday
No, I don’t agree with every word of the post or with how it was formulated. I figured other people would cover all of these objections, and they have. I didn’t feel it would be helpful to say what everyone else would also say. My post only endorses what it says in itself.
Anonymous
No, your post says “you’re not alone.” Meaning you agree with this horrible post.
Monday
I’m the boss of what I agree with! xoxo
Anon
Sure, you’re the boss and you can do whatever you want. But if you say “You’re not alone. I am like you” and you say literally nothing that indicates disagreement with anything in the post (you say “you will probably get a lot of criticism” but that says nothing about your own views), then you can’t be surprised when people characterize you as agreeing with the post. There are lots of ways to say you empathize with certain emotions, while not agreeing with everything. You didn’t do that.
Anonymous
I really like the “foreign language” description, I’m going to use that in the future. Thank you.
Flats Only
FYI, I am also child free, honestly don’t like kids, and never felt this way. I do chuckle to myself when I overhear co-workers parenting stories – suckers!
Here’s one way to deal – tell your disappointing friends that you’re disappointed with their reproductive choices, don’t think they’re smart anymore, and that their lifestyle babies are bad for the planet. You won’t have to worry about ever hearing from them again.
Anonymous
Right!
And their kids/grandkids are going to be who likely takes care of you in the old folks home and decides if you get cloth diapers (or something unenvironmental) and how often to change them.
I’m all for saving the planet (OTOH, if you’re not having kids, who are you saving it for??? Just the plants and the critters but not for higher life forms, the ones with opposable thumbs and no prehensile tails), but we are living too long to go to zero population growth (and I want the good adult diapers and for them to be changed frequently).
Anon
I totally don’t agree with OP at all, but I do think it’s valid to want to save the planet for non-human or even non-primate species.
Vicky Austin
LOL.
Elaine
I am thrilled and grteful when smart, educated, thoughtful people have children. We need more of them. I am hurt when they automatically assume that i am sitting in judgment of them, because their choices differ from mine. I am sad when i realize that their lifestyle and mine will be on divergent paths for years, and hopeful that we are mature enough for our friendship to weather that.
Anon
I think your error is in thinking that your friends owe you an explanation of the thought process behind their life choices. If you lose all of your friends as soon as they get pregnant, the common thread in that situation is you. There is no reason why having children should mean that you can no longer be friends.
Anon
There is nothing wrong with choosing to remain childfree, but it’s awfully condescending and judgmental to assume your friends are doing this without any critical thought. Children can change your life tremendously in many ways (lifestyle, career-wise, financially, plus physically if you are a woman who has biological children), so I think it’s pretty silly to assume most people have kids because it’s the path of least resistance. Choosing to maintain the status quo (in this case, no children) is generally an easier choice to make and more likely to be a “default” option, to the extent you believe there is one. I also think it’s incredibly offensive to say your “smart kickass” friends are no longer that way simply because they have children. You don’t lose IQ points when you have a baby. I don’t know anyone who makes all their life decisions around what is best for the environment, but I also don’t see why having one or two children is anti-environmentalist, since a couple with two or fewer kids is not contributing to total population growth.
Tl;dr you sound incredibly judgmental of people who choose to have kids. That’s your choice to make of course, but it’s hardly a surprise that it’s putting some distance between you and your friends who have or want children.
anon
Agree. Choosing whether or not have have children is a huge, deeply personal decision. I don’t think you can possibly understand everything that goes into that decision for someone else.
Anonymous
I had kids in part because I’m an environmentalist. I love sharing the wonders of nature with my kids. We need more kids raised to be responsible towards the environment.
Sounds like you’re using your ‘environmentalism’ to be judgmental about people whose choices are different than yours.
Anonymous
If your parents had shared the “values” that you claim your friends have abandoned, you wouldn’t exist. So your values do not logically compute. It’s okay for you to exist, but not for my child to exist?
Anonymous
Where’s your judgment for DINK couples who are vacationing internationally multiple times a year and own more than one car, and ordering from Amazon all the time? Or are you super judgmental about them too because they don’t meet your environmental standards?
How you have chosen to live your life is not the ‘right’ way to do things. It’s right for you but that doesn’t mean it’s right for anyone else. Thanks goodness you’re not passing your smug attitude down to any kids. The world needs less judgment and prejudice, not more.
Anon
I feel like I could get pulled into the same mindset. Especially with friends who just don’t have the resources to be parents.
My plan right now is to help out my child rearing friends as much as I can. And there are lots of things you can do. I’ve shown up at a friends with a car full of groceries before. I think if you and your friends want to retain your environmental values there are lots of things you can do to help them. Like purchasing reusable baggies/bottles/etc for your friends, who might be too strapped for cash or just plain exhausted to think about it. Maybe connecting friends who have differing aged children so that they can share hand-me-downs such as strollers and walkers and cribs to help minimize the environmental impact of all those junky plastic childhood items.
I also have big plans as an “aunt” to my friends kids to take them to museums and other outings as they get older. Stuff that I wanted to do as a kid but never had the opportunity.
I don’t want to have kids, but I definitely feel responsible for enriching the lives of the next generation and I want to make sure that the kids in my life have what they can to succeed and the opportunities that I did not have growing up.
Anon
Friends who just don’t have the resources to be parents the way you think they should be.
Do you think people in poverty, in third world countries, with massive debt, etc. just shouldn’t have children?
anonymous
OMG STOP. I’m also CF. AND I’m an environmental lawyer. On behalf of both CF people and environmentalists, I expressly disavow your judgment and find it absolute cringe worthy. It is cruel and judgmental to assume that your friends are just following some life script without giving it critical thought. Maybe you are hanging out with people who aren’t giving the choice to have kids critical thought, but I bet that if that’s the case, they’re not giving critical thought to anything else in their lives. Lots of my friends have had kids in the last few years and I do not relate to your post one bit.
KTA
sometimes people have cruel thoughts and vent them on the internet…relax.
And for what it’s worth, I 100% think having children is boring and makes me this less of the people who have them. Children are not a necessity.
Anon
You seem like you’re a delight. I hope you let your friends know this when they have kids so they can move on from your “friendship”. Do you also hate your parents and think less of them for having you?
Anon
Hahahaha I literally LOL’d at “children are not a necessity.” Who do you think is going to wipe your @ss when you’re in a nursing home? Today’s child, that’s who.
Anonymous
Um, this trope of the nursing home is tired. They are barely staffed now.
Anon
Children are a necessity for all of us. Look at what would happen to your social security if there were no new workers to fund it. This idea that you set aside money for your own retirement is a myth. All of us working now are paying for today’s retirees, and it has been this way since social security started.
If you’re not in the US, it’s the same for any government funded retirement income.
Anonymous
I doubt you’re a necessity for anyone, particularly your friends (if you actually have any…doubtful). Just because you live a sad, lonely, pointless life – don’t take it out on other people. Get some therapy, it will do wonders for you.
Anon
I similarly am married and don’t want kids, and I do miss the pre-kids version of my friends who now have kids. Before kids, they had more time, more money, less responsibility, and lived in the city nearby. So yes, I was bummed when they had kids and moved out to the suburbs because I see them less, and they aren’t as available to do the kinds of activities we used to do.
But it’s certainly not helpful to be “disappointed” in them because they aren’t following the same life path as me. Those close friendships have just changed shape so that we do different activities together now and keep in touch in different ways. It’s involved compromise and a bit of effort on both sides. And I haven’t really kept up with less close friends who’ve had kids and moved away, which I think is normal and fine.
Gently, I suspect you might be feeling lonely and missing your friends, and that’s the real reason you’re feeling frustration at their life choices. IMO, the whole environmentalist thing is kind of a crock of sh!t. There is literally no one ever who really really wanted to have kids and was like oh no but I can’t because THE ENVIRONMENT. On the other hand, for people who don’t want to have kids, it’s an easy after-the-fact justification that makes people feel extra good about the choices that they were already making. And I say this as someone who doesn’t want to have kids.
Anyways, the answer I’m getting at is that you need to make an effort to find some other friends with similar lives. That should relieve a bit of the feeling of frustration at your friends who have kids and no longer have as much bandwidth for your friendship. When it comes down to it, no one is forcing you to continue your relationships with your friends who have kids. Presumably you get something from these friendships, and the answer is to find ways to nurture your relationships with these people, not twist yourself up judging them for having different priorities than you.
Anon
+1 million to your third paragraph. I’m also childfree but I can’t pretend I made this decision to save the planet, because I use all my time and money (which I have lots of, because…no kids!) to travel.
CHS
I don’t know that this is completely true – there was just an article about the rising number of people choosing to not have kids due to climate change.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/05/climate/climate-change-children.html
Anonymous
Plus, kids use straws. They are murdering the planet.
January
You win this thread.
anon
LOL, yes.
Anon
I disagree that nobody chooses not to have kids for environmental reasons. I don’t have kids and I don’t know for sure if I want them and that it is one of my main concerns. But TBD what actually happens for me!
Anonno
I see where your comment is coming from with regard to certain people, but the tone definitely ignited most readers. While I think most people choose to have kids “for the right reasons” I also sometimes feel like there are couples around me who reach a certain age or level of stability and then have kids, but it feels (as an outsider not privy to their marital conversations!) that they are just getting swept up in the “normal” trajectory of life or keeping up with the Joneses. Specifically these are couples who I (again as a friend/acquaintance but outsider) don’t seem like they truly want to be parents or will be good parents.
Then I think the argument about losing friends to parenthood, or them losing their career ambitions, is a separate issue.
Obviously this whole conversation is about judging others from the outside perspective, and the hive was not pleased. But I have secretly had some these thoughts as well, OP, though I won’t go into your argument about parents giving up their environmental principles by adding a new human’s carbon footprint or whatever you’re trying to say.
Anon
Just an FYI re: people who seem like they wouldn’t be good parents – I was very adamant to everyone I knew that I didn’t want to be a mom, and until I was in my early 30s I avoided babies and young toddlers as much as possible (to be clear, I never hated kids or judged people for having them, I just didn’t want to interact with them personally, mostly because I felt so clueless and uncomfortable around them). And then one day, it was like a switch flipped and I just wanted a baby. There was definitely an element of getting more comfortable with it because close friends were doing it, but it wasn’t because I was trying to keep up with the Joneses. It just was that my BFF’s babies were so sweet and wonderful that I fell in love with them, and I realized it’s really different when it’s your own baby (or a close friend’s baby) vs a stranger’s baby. I also realized that babies aren’t that intimidating and that parents can still have their own life even with a kid. So I decided to have one. Fwiw, when I was pregnant, someone I thought was a good friend told me I wouldn’t be a good mom because I wasn’t maternal. She’s no longer a friend but it remains the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever said to me and I feel strongly that she was wrong – just because I didn’t show a maternal side to the world (or even know myself that I had it necessarily), it doesn’t mean it wasn’t there or that I couldn’t nurture it if/when I decided I wanted to, which I eventually did. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what my daughter says on the internet in about 20 years, but so far I think I’m doing ok and having her is definitely the best decision I’ve ever made. So someone may be a “late bloomer” to parenthood, so to speak, but it doesn’t mean they can’t or don’t want to do a good job at it.
Anon
Wow, what a cruel thing for your friend to say. I had a good friend say something similar about my ability to be in a long term relationship when we were in HIGH SCHOOL and I still think about it and it still hurts 15 years later.
Anon
Same- and fwiw I don’t love other kids (in fact I have a 3yo and am about to give birth… we were recently at a place with a bunch of kids and I thought to myself “ugh I don’t like kids!”…. but I absolutely adore my own kid, spending time with her, and being part of a family with her, and think I’m a great mom (even if I wouldn’t be a great kindergarten teacher).
anonymous
I agree with this, especially the part about getting caught up in the trajectory of life. Raising kids is hard work. I wonder how many people who have kids wish they could have gone back and done things differently.
anon
Got a question for you, OP. I note that you added that you were already married so it’s not a case of you changing your mind when you meet someone. I bet you put that in there because you’re so used to being questioned/challenged on your choice to be child-free—–like people don’t trust that you gave that decision any critical thought– and it’s annoying, right? I’m also child-free and I’m very familiar with the myriad ways people will try to question your judgment, including the extremely patronizing assumption that… wait for it… you haven’t given it enough thought. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yeah this, and also OP’s post is so insulting.
Relatedly, it is annoying that people think I haven’t thought about it. I am also childfree, but not because I don’t want to have a family. I don’t see how my husband and I could afford to have a child, live the type of life we want where we want, and retire at any reasonable age. Clearly I am willing to sacrifice having a family for those other things though, but I am pretty sure if we lived in another country and/or had family to help and/or had more resources, we’d make a different decision. I would gladly be a SAHM, but that isn’t going to happen.
Anon
That’s just ridiculous. IP litigation is a lucrative field, there’s no way you can’t afford a child if you want one. If you don’t want kids that is absolutely fine, but it’s ridiculous for a lawyer to say she can’t afford to have a child.
Anonymous
She didn’t say she can’t afford a child period? She said she can’t afford the lifestyle she wants plus a kid. I’m not really sure how you can or why you’d want to argue with that?
Anonymous
This is so sad! I hope it’s hyperbole. You may not be able to give a kid a high end lifestyle, but I assure you that you can raise a happy kid on a litigator’s salary. Will the first 4 years drain your slush fund because childcare is megabucks? Yes. But you can make it work.
Not saying you have to. But you can. My sister and her husband both work full time out of the house and have a HHI of 95k. Their house is smaller, their kids clothes are not name brand and many are hand me downs/thrifted. But they have 2 happy kids and are doing just fine.
Anon
Ignoring the utter tr0llishness of this post:
I am very grateful that I’ve seen women do motherhood their own way. The women are are the most vocal about motherhood are usually homeschooling SAHMs of five. Power to them and making choices that work for them and their families, but that would, for me, be a nightmare. As I’ve gotten older (mid/late 30s, will TTC this spring), it’s been lovely to see women “do” motherhood in such a wide variety of ways, all of which work for them and their families.
I refuse to buy into the idea that having a kid means that I’m no longer me – it’s not cool when the hard-core traditionalists say it, and it’s not cool when people dressing up as feminists say it.
Anonymous
+1 — can’t have the Duggars be the only ones defining parenthood or choosing to procreate
Anonymous
I definitely think there’s something about our culture that discourages people from really… planning. Not that people don’t try to think critically but culturally we’re led to focus on the wrong things – and if you’re not privileged enough to have the family and education to focus on the right things then you’re SOL. When I was in my 20s I watched more than a few friends marry their longtime SO because they’d been together/lived together for years and it seemed like the logical next step. Plenty of them put a ton of thought into the wedding but not into marriage. I’m truly shocked every time I hear that couples didn’t talk about finances or whether to have kids or a 5 year plan (nevertheless retirement, end of life care, elderly parents) before marriage when they’d been together like 5+ years before they even got engaged. People spend 2 years planning a party but not 5 minutes looking at their respective credit card statements. And fwiw a lot of these people are now divorced and fully admit that they got married because SO was nice enough and it was just the next step but they put like zero critical thought into it.
Now that I’m in my mid 30s I see people doing this with kids. They’ve been married a while, they’re financially stable, the parents are asking about it, their friends are having kids, so yeah I guess that’s the next step let’s go for it. And just like their wedding, they’ll put a ton of effort into planning various baby related parties and put zero thought into what parenthood is like. Some of them admit to regretting it – but you can’t exactly divorce a kid like you can a hastily wed spouse. I wouldn’t say I feel “disappointed in” my friends but I certainly feel sad for them – they made a lifelong commitment that they’re unhappy with but too bad they’re stuck. That’s heartbreaking for everyone involved. I just try to be a shoulder and offer some non kid related fun times. If I ever feel a little judgy I remember that I’ve made plenty of decisions I regret and I’m grateful that my friends stand by me even though I’m imperfect.
Vinyasa
Yes Yes Yes. I see this too. No one likes to talk about it.
Trixie
I think your point of view is a bit judgemental and narrow–having children who are well raised, intelligent, and contributing members of society is a gift to the future and to the world. Being a parent does not make a person less kick-ass or hardworking, it takes their energies and abilities in a new direction. Try to look at this from 30,000 feet, gazing both forward and backward in time. Humans are animals, too, and reproduction is real, important, and essential to the species. It is hard work, and often unrewarding, but the long term satisfaction is enormous. My two sons, in their twenties, are amazing, and the world is a better place because they are in it. And I am a different person having raised them: more empathic, wider perspective on the world, and more appreciative of families, parenting, and children.
anon
has anyone tried the silk-cotton blend tee shirts from H&M? Does the fabric feel nice? Are the shirts cut reasonablly well? I can’t possibly get to a brick and mortar, so any advice would be much appreciated.
Anon
I cannot remember if I’ve ever touched one of these in the store. I have some of their 4.99 teeshirts, and they are super comfortable and decent cuts. But, I think of them more as casual friday/weekend wear than work wear. With that in mind, they was super well and are soft and comfortable.
grad student
I am in the process of deciding where to go for my graduate degree and could really use some advice about student loans. How do you decide what is a reasonable amount of debt? I have gotten into two top tier programs and one solid, but not as prestigious program in my state. While the best program I have gotten into objectively much better than the state school program, it’s also twice as expensive because I have received a partial scholarship to the state school. Do you have any advice for how to weigh $90,000-$110,000 in loans for a better program / school reputation vs. a solid but not the highest tier education for $60,000? I worked very hard to get to where I am and part of me is sad that I was smart enough to get into the best programs in my field, but ultimately may not be able to attend due to finances. The field I’m in does care about where you got your degree to an extent, but not the same extent as law. There are a few companies that I am interested in that only recruit at the top tier programs, but getting hired there isn’t guaranteed just by going those schools.
Fwiw, I’m not going into law and expected salaries for the first job post-grad range from $65-120K depending on what part of the industry you choose to go into. No undergraduate debt due to scholarships.
Anon
When I was deciding whether to take on debt for law school, the number I saw was that you should not take out more debt than you expect your starting income to be. The reason for this is that it keeps loan payments at around 10% of your income, and you can actually pay off your loans in 10 years. I still think this is reasonably good advice. However– I graduated in the middle of the recession so my starting income was much less than I anticipated, and I only now am able to make payments that will actually allow me to pay off my loans and maintain the lifestyle I want. I will probably pay my loans off 12-13 years after I graduate. (Took out $75K in loans which was $91K when I graduated, no undergraduate debt, starting salary was $50K in state government, now make $90K, am in a MCOL city).
Without knowing the type of program you’re looking at, I’m not sure I can help you weigh the programs. Law is very prestige oriented, so a lot of times, the more prestigious degree is worth the extra debt. You balance that with the possibility that you may be higher in the class at the lower-ranked school, etc. I ultimately chose to take on debt and not go to the lower-ranked (but still very good school). A lot of this came down to fit for me, and I absolutely do not regret going to the higher-ranked but more expensive school over the alternative.
grad student
Yes, I had heard that 10% rule as well. Your point about graduating into the recession is making me want to be risk averse and practical in case the job market looks different in a few years when I graduate.
I’m choosing between MPA programs so the low end of jobs is government / non-profit and the high end is private companies / consulting firms.
Anon
I have so many questions here. Buckle up.
What do you do right now? Is it the type of background that would land you at Deloitte or similar if you acquired a Harvard MPA? How many years out of undergrad are you?
If you want to be in consulting, why are you getting an MPA instead of an MBA or a joint MBA/MPA?
Have you looked at the background of the people hired by the companies you want to work at and seen if it matches up with your own?
Why do you want to get an MPA? Working in state government is vastly different from working in consulting.
Do you have the kind of deep ties to a state that would enable you to get a good government job if you struck out in consulting?
How strong is your quantitative background?
Coach Laura
I think, besides the salary rule-of-thumb posted above, you should consider where you want to live geographically. If you intend to stay in your current state for at least the first part of your career, I think the name-recognition and local connections that you can make will make the difference in school prestige less of an issue. This assumes that there will be jobs in your current state when you graduate – how is the market?
Anon
You need to weight – the cost of the program, the job statistics of that program (including months after graduation working in a job in the field and starting salaries), starting salaries in the field, the COL of the area where jobs recruit from your school, the chances of you getting into the higher tier of salaries v. lower tier.
In general I’d always say go for the still good but cheaper program over the very expensive and great program. You never know what life may throw at you and increasing your debt load by nearly twice for only marginally better career outcomes doesn’t really seen worth it, ESPECIALLY if the low range of the post grad salaries could be less than half of your debt load. If what you say is true and pedigree matters but not to the extent of law field, this isn’t like a difference between community college and Harvard, it’s a pretty good program v. the best program – your efforts, grades, and networking will make the real difference in your career outcomes not the school you graduated from.
grad student
Your second paragraph is what the logical part of my mind is telling me. One of the programs that I got into is actually at Harvard, but you are the right that the less prestigious but still good program is not at a no name institution with no reputation. I picked my undergrad based on where I got the most aid (parents were not in a place to help), so there’s a part of me that wants to be able to pick the best program this time around.
Anonymous
Honestly, if one is Harvard, a secondary (but still important consideration) is where you want to be when you graduate geographically and whether Harvard will be a help, or possibly even a hindrance. In so many places in this country, a Harvard degree is seen as a door-opener, but in many others, it could be seen as someone who is “too good” for the market.
Anonymous
I would do a simple ROI calculation.
The schools have different costs, but the salary of their graduates probably differs as well.
You can build in other assumptions (cost of living of target job, other opportunities that might open up based on the institution).
I would also factor in career goals. If your dream company only recruits from schools x and y, then you may need to expect a worse ROI to meet that goal… which you may or may not be ok with.
Anonymous
When I was doing this calculation I used the “don’t take out more debt than you’ll make in salary the first year” measure. I was in marketing making a pathetic salary ($35k) and went back to school to move into HR. I researched salaries and figured out that I could expect to make between $45k and $60k my first year out of grad school. I took out loans totaling $40k by the time I graduated, a mix of subsidized and unsubsidized Staffords. I had calculated that my monthly payment on the 25-year repayment plan would be around $300 a month which I felt was doable, planning to ramp up payments over time. First job after graduating paid me $48k. Six years post graduation I am making $90k and am paying enough that the loans should be paid off in another 4 years. I think it’s important to look at career trajectory and income potential over time. I wouldn’t have done what I did if I thought I was going to make $48k and stay there; I knew what the potential was for me to make more money over time. I still have room to move up in my field and industry, and so the loans don’t worry me. Hope this helps.
QC Suzy
Any advice for dealing with the unpredictability of IVF treatments while working? I’m starting my first IVF cycle (after multiple failed IUIs) later this month and managing the unpredictably of the treatment, while trying to plan things at work, is causing me a lot of stress. I’m only 1.5 months into a new job, so there are still a lot of things about my schedule that I can’t anticipate. It does look like I may have major assignments on or around my likely retrieval and transfer dates. One assignment involves travel. I have a check-in meeting with my manager tomorrow (she’s great!) and I’m considering telling her I’m undergoing medical treatments so that if I do end up with a conflict, she’ll know what’s going on. Any advice or examples of how you’ve dealt with something like this? I’d really prefer not to mention it to my manager but I’m not sure how else to handle it.
Anonymous
Wait and see. Retrieval is a day off work. Odds are in your favor. Once you’re either into the cycle or the travel is getting scheduled, deal with it then.
Anon
I don’t think you have to tell her you’re undergoing IVF, but you have to tell her you’re undergoing a medical procedure on X date as soon as you have that info, even if it’s a range of dates. This isn’t emergency surgery, it’s a scheduled medical procedure and it’s not fair to let your employer schedule you for travel on those dates and then back out at the last minute.
Anon
No advice on handling IVF generally, but I wouldn’t go into detail about the medical treatments you are having 1.5 mths into a job. You don’t know the workplace or your manager well enough to know if you’ll be pulled off assignments or mommy tracked simply for doing IVF.
BostonIVFrette
I’ve been at my current employer for 10 years, so YMMV, but I told my boss and my department head (boss’s boss) that I’m going through fertility treatments and I give them a heads up whenever I have a “no travel” period (ex: for about 2.5-3 weeks starting from the day of baseline ultrasound/start of stims). I travel 1-2 times a month for work ordinarily, but mostly have flexibility as to when I schedule trips, so this just lets them know. They also know that I have to take one day off per no travel period and that i only have about a day’s warning (retrieval) and it’s no problem. (Sidenote – my boss is a friend so i’ve given her more details about our IVF with her – not with dept head though but he’s smart and i’m 99% sure he knows exactly what’s up).
LHW
I think the impact to work is dependant on how far your office is from your doctor’s office.
From my experience, the blood work and sonograms were always scheduled for first thing in the morning at 8/8:30. It’s hard to plan when your retrieval will be as it is dependant on how you will react to the medications and how you are progressing. Once you get your IVF calendar from your nurse, you can tell your manager that you are temporarily on medications where you need to have routine bloodwork done. Then block off the time. The appointments are quick and as long as you’re close to the office and they’re efficient out should be in and out.
I found IVF MUCH less stressful than IUI because I felt like I was in more control.
Patricia Gardiner
Agree you should disclose that you are undergoing some time-sensitive medical treatment, but that it is expected to be temporary and is not life-threatening. My clinic opened at 6:30 and by being first in line I was still able to get to work by 7:30-8 most days after monitoring. You will only know about the retrieval 2 days beforehand and have no control over that, so you may need to let them know there is a possibility you will have a conflict in advance.
Best wishes and good luck to you- it’s tough but you can do it!
Apple
I hate my job. It’s miserable – there’s not a lot of room for growth here, my boss is downright mean, petty, and passive aggressive, and I’m just downright unhappy. However, because of the roll, and my industry, there are a lot of long term positives (and future growth potential), so I need to tough it out. So, any tips? I can’t really “lean out” for lack of a better word – that would minimize the upsides.
How do you survive something you really hate for 2 years?
Small Firm IP Litigator
Start looking for a new job. 2 years is a long time to tough it out if you are really as miserable as you say.
Anon
Lean way in- make a list of personal goals, trainings, etc you need to accomplish over the next 1-2 years and do it! I wouldn’t tell you’re boss you are planning on quitting in 2yrs, but you could tell them you are making a plan for the next level of advancement (I actively did this and it has consistently led to good reviews, pay raises, and promotions). Also, take time to look for new and interesting jobs as you go, you never know when the right opportunity will come up. And another note- I had a similar miserable job I had to stay in for 2 yrs before I could transfer… I outlasted 2 bosses and most of the team and it ended up being a much different place then then one I started at.
Anonymous
1. Make sure the long-term positive has a high likelihood of actually being realized (what if boss changes, what if company has downturn, etc.). Will you have work product you can use or just references? (The first is more firm to bank on)
2. Make sure there aren’t external opportunities that could provide a similar or better (or even just slightly worse) track–too often folks fear change, and it keeps you in misery thinking you just have to tough it out. If there isn’t growth there, look for somewhere else where you can be gaining the experience and being rewarded for it in some way
Assuming these two things and you’re still needing to stick it out for two years:
1. Set a year’s worth of mini goals (By X I’ll do this and expect to see/push to see Y experience out of it)
2. Try to get as much education/training as you can–being exposed to others in the field and trends taking place will keep you focused on the long term (and focusing on something other than the day-to-day is a mood booster)
3. Accept that boss is mean. Now look at what you can learn from him/her in terms of their expertise. Focus on what you can get out of the relationship as awful as it may be. Recognizing that the negative emotion is only temporary helps. Do not bash him to others as tempting as it may be. That only ups the likelihood his awfulness will have further bad impact and he’s got enough space in your life right now.
4. Start a new cycle of six month mini-goals after your first year. Once complete, set mini-goals that involve your exit (X applications sent, Y contact outreaches)
5. Schedule occasional coffee meetings with colleagues above you, below you and in peer situations. This will help give you more positive social connections for when you need a lift. And more important it will expand your network for the future. It will go by faster than you realize. And one of the most important benefits to be gained from leaving a position are connections made.
CR
Looking for recommendations for knee-highs/sheer trouser socks. I used to buy Kushyfoot in Light Nude, but lately can only find them in a darker nude, which looks ridiculous on me. I wear them with high heels and pants. Loved Kushyfoot — warm and durable. Help!