ByKat Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Cross Drape Jersey Blazer

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. donna karan cross drape blazerWow: I love this kind of blazer. It's interesting, flattering, beautiful — but still muted and professional. Gorgeous. It was $1425 over at Farfetch, but it's marked to $712 today (lucky sizes only, alas). Donna Karan Cross Drape Jersey Blazer Here's a more affordable option, as well as a similar plus-size version. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

227 Comments

  1. Off topic, but still blazer-related: Can anyone speak to the difference between J. Crew Super 120’s blazers and the J.Crew Italian Stretch wool collection? Is one more wrinkle-resistant? Or more durable? I have one Super 120’s skirt suit, and I’m trying to figure out what to buy for my next one. (Wrinkles are my worst enemy, but I don’t know how to create more closet space in my apartment.)

    1. IME the stretch wool is not quite as durable – the stretch fibers tend to come undone and make little elastic thread/pills on the forearms, especially. The super 120s seem to have that happen less.

      2. 3rd. i’ve ha a lot of pilling with the stretch wool, and it also seems to pick up random dust spots that i’m constantly rubbing off. I prefer the super 120s. my fave was the wool gabardine but they don’t seem to make it anymore.

        1. Agree, their wool gabardine was amazing compared to the thin junk they sell now (which is still better than the even thinner junk from AT, BR, etc.)…

    2. Despite the price difference, I much prefer the stretch wool. I don’t love the super 120’s (especially the more recent iterations – the fabric used to be better 5-6 years ago) because it feels flimsy and almost flannel-like. I also find it wrinkles much more than the stretch wool. The stretch wool fabric is so lovely – it has such a smooth, almost silky feel. I think this is one thing J. Crew still does well, even if overpriced. It doesn’t wrinkle easily, and if it does, wrinkles fall out easily with a steam.

  2. Beautiful blazer! Anyone know of any inexpensive versions?

    I’m considering going to Berkeley for grad school and will be visiting at the end of the month. Can anyone recommend some good neighborhoods that I should be sure to check out (for future apartment locations) while I’m there? I’m married and my husband will be coming with me; both of us prefer nature and quiet over a big bar scene, but it’s also nice to be close to at least some restaurants and things like the pharmacy, grocery store, etc. We don’t know where he’ll be working yet, but being close to public transit would also be a plus. I know the Bay Area is insane in general (I’m from there originally), but it’d be great if the rent weren’t more than $1800 for a one-bedroom and preferably less (long shot, I know). Any tips would be great! TIA!

    1. It depends where on the campus you’ll be commuting to. I was going to the south side of campus so my advice is focused there.

      Go south down College Ave, at least 4 blocks of Bancroft. The further you go toward Rockridge BART, the fewer undergrads you’ll have to deal with. Near Ashby was kind of ideal for me as balancing distance from campus and distance from undergrads. I knew a lot of people who liked the north side and the Gourmet Ghetto too. You can get free rides on the bus with a validation sticker on your student id.

    2. In or near the Gourmet Ghetto is lovely; it’s a nice 25-30 min walk or there are buses. Around (but not too close to) Ashby is also good. Have you thought about Oakland? Temescal has gotten nice, and the 1R bus is pretty easy/usually fast. There are some adorable mother-in-law cottages up in the hills, and actually, the Rapid Commuter bus to SF is pretty good, although you would also need a car.

    3. I love Berkeley. If he’s going to use BART for commuting, check out around the Rockridge area. A bit more grown-up than around campus, right by BART and easy to get to campus too (buses or biking). Even crossing into Oakland on the other side of Rockridge (Piedmont, etc) is a good option. Go up the hill a bit for nature, stay closer to Rockridge if walking distance to bars/shops/restaurants is more important.

      North Berkeley is great too – up in the Kensington area is beautiful and quiet and green. There is an express bus into SF but if your husband needs to rely on BART he may have to drive to the BART station, and getting to/from campus isn’t as easy. (I used to bike it but it’s a loooong hill if you are all the way up in Kensington). You’d need a car up there. In Rockridge you could get away with not having one.

    4. If you like quiet and nature look at north Berkeley particularly along Euclid or Grizzley Peak.

    5. Don’t know if it’s too late, but my sister lived in a 1 bedroom near the gourmet ghetto that was really quite nice. They paid 1300- moved in about 2010 and moved out last year. I’m sure the rent has gone up but I can get the owners info if you’d like. Berkley is my fave! You’ll love it there. Email me at
      esquaredcorporette@gmail.com If you’d like me to ask her for the info.

  3. My husband and I are going to be making a cross-country move later this year. One of the things that I’m a tad worried about is buying a used car there since we don’t currently own one (and have never owned one so have little experience with these matters). I’m hoping we can find some kind of decently safe hatchback from 2008-2012 or so for $10K or less (to pay in cash). Has anyone bought a car from Carmax before? It seems like it might be a good alternative to typical used car dealerships, but I had never heard of it until yesterday and am a little bit skeptical. I like the idea of avoiding the haggling process and needing to do your own research on a vehicle’s history, but is it worth it? Any tips about Carmax or buying a used car in general would be much appreciated.

    2. No personal experience, but my inlaws purchased from CarMax. They didn’t like the car. Nothing wrong with it, they just didn’t “like” it. But CarMax apparently has a policy that you can return the car for any reason, and they did. No hassle or trouble to do it, and they really like the car they got on their second try.

    3. I have a relative who works for CarMax and he says they treat their employees extremely well. I know that doesn’t help with actual advice, but sometimes I find info on how a company treats its employees to be helpful.

      I think the deal with CarMax is that there isn’t negotiation on the price. I’ve bought both a new and used car before and the thought of no negotiation really appeals to me. If I had to buy a car again (and couldn’t afford a Tesla) I’d likely start at CarMax regardless of the fact that my family member works there.

    4. Carmax is overpriced. The last time I looked (admittedly a couple years ago), they were a couple grand above Blue Book on every single car. It’s up to you whether you’d prefer a no haggle environment over paying an appropriate price for a car.

      I’ve done a fair amount of car buying (friends bring me in for negotiations even :) ), and it’s really nothing like it was in decades past with shady, high pressure salesmen. Mainstream dealerships are upfront and low pressure and downright friendly. Here’s the thing – you can WALK AWAY. No one’s putting a gun to your head saying you have to buy that minute. Do a little window shopping to educate yourself and don’t feel pressure. There WILL be another car, another deal.

      1. Yes, this. You’re paying a lot for the convenience of not having to negotiate. You might want to try Carvana to buy a used car.

    5. When you’re negotiating for a car, and you know you are going to pay cash, is it better to say that up front or to negotiate a deal based on financing and then once you have a price locked down make the offer at that price in cash?

        1. It doesn’t really matter. Technically car dealerships get a small kick back from financing, about 50-100. So not really enough to make a difference on the price of the car. They don’t get any kick back for the 0% car loans. Cash is faster though since you don’t need to wait on credit checks and financing.

      2. I always negotiate as if I’m going to get a loan and then tell them that I want to pay cash and I put as much as I can on my CC for the miles/points. They get super annoyed because CCs charge 3% but I tell them it’s that or I walk. Dealerships make a lot off of selling loans so they like when people get loans.

        1. Agree, hold the cash argument till you get their final price, otherwise they’ll game the numbers in a way that you won’t get any sort of additional discount.

          1. This may be too late, but if they ask you in advance whether you’re going to finance it, do you lie and say you’re going to, then do a 180 later? Say you haven’t decided (this seems sketchy, because who wouldn’t have decided this in advance)? Or do they not ask?

          2. It’s not sketchy, because it may honestly depend on the financing terms. If fact, OP should probably get a quote for a car loan from a local bank or credit union as well – if the terms are good enough it may make more sense to finance the car at a low interest rate and use the cash to pay a higher interest rate or save it for an emergency fund. Having financing in place gives you more bargaining power. Also, sometimes there are incentives to finance with a dealer – my husband bought a vehicle that offered multiple thousands off if he financed it through the dealership, so after reading carefully for any pre-payment penalty, he financed it through the dealership, made one payment and then paid off the vehicle the next month in full.

            When we were pricing used cars vs new we actually found that since so many dealers were offering 0% or 1% interest on new vehicles and used car interest rates were higher, the total price paid after a 5 year loan made it make more sense to get a new car than a 2 or 3 year used car.

    6. I had good luck using truecar dot com. It shows what people in your area have paid for certain cars.

    7. We have had good luck going to Carmax to try several different cars and figure out which models we liked.

      Then we went straight to the Toyota dealerships and got the used car we wanted. We get “certified” cars with a 5 year warranty, at least a few to several years old with a chunk of miles on them but still a long way to go since these cars are known to last.

      This is how one family member got their used Prius for a bargain.
      This is how another family member got their used Lexus RX350 for a bargain.

      Both have been great cars.

    8. Depending on where you’re going to be, consider finding a car broker. I used one to buy both my vehicles. He was able to get a great deal on the new car, but for the used one he was particularly valuable in that he has access to auctions that regular people don’t typically have access too. I bought the used vehicle through him from out of state and he put me in touch with a shipper. Even with his fee and the cost of shipping it, I came out way ahead compared to buying one from a dealer or on Craigslist. I found him on yelp.

  4. How would you style a pair of grey pants with a pale pink pinstripe? I know a pink blouse is the obvious answer but any other ideas? I picked up these pants from Talbots and got an amazing deal, they’re Italian flannel wool and fit me perfectly, but I don’t want to be stuck wearing a pink top all the time.

    2. If it’s a really pale pink, treat it like a white pinstripe and ignore the pink. Off the top of my head, I’d suggest a blue top, or a dark charcoal top depending on how dark the gray is.

    3. I think the idea with pinstripes in general is to ignore them. So, with pink pinstripes I would just make sure whatever you wear coordinates with pink. Imagine if you had a pair of pink earrings–when would you wear them? White blouses would obviously work, I would venture into yellows and greens as well.

    4. I’d probably wear them with a burgundy/wine or navy top. Black, white, or ivory would all be fine too.

    6. If it’s a relatively subtle stripe I would ignore it and treat them as plain grey pants, including wearing red with them (but I’d wear red with pink anyway). I have a grey suit with a (subtle, although it might be hard to imagine) lime green pinstripe, that I pair with anything that I’d wear with plain grey.

      A really pale pink is so neutral that even if the stripe isn’t that subtle it probably wouldn’t preclude any color on top, as far as I’m concerned. In addition to the colors everyone said, I’d do pale blue, navy, teal, shades of red and orange, etc. Try on everything, I bet it’ll end up being more versatile than you think.

  5. This blazer is gorgeous! I love it, but seeing as it’s more than my rent, that’s not happening.

    But thanks for the plus size recommendation Kat! I had never heard of Eliza Parker before, and finding business-appropriate plus size clothes is always challenging.

  6. Posted yesterday but trying again just in case – any specific interview tips for in house non-profit type job? Thanks all.

    2. I’m in house at a non-profit! I am not sure how unique this is to my place of employment, but my business-mindedness was actually a plus in my interviewing. My background was working with startups and doing commercial litigation, so I really focused on how I understood how a business runs, how contracts work, where things can go wrong and how to avoid it, that kind of thing. The areas of my day-to-day practice are not that different from the work of my in-house colleagues in for-profit businesses: employment, IP, drafting/reviewing contracts of all sort, superficial tax stuff, and supervising litigation. Here, respect for our particular mission is expected, but it’s not most people’s main motivator, to be honest. It’s sharing of the company’s values and fitting in with the company culture that’s essential.

    3. Be sure to do some prep by reviewing recent 990s and annual reports. Be comfortable with the organization’s culture. Not sure what exactly your role will entail, but in a nonprofit you’ll probably need to be familiar with estate planning and tax law.

      Passion for the organization’s mission will be really important. If you are making a switch out of the for-profit arena, be prepared to talk about why you’re interested in the change.

  7. Ah! My office is overflowing in doughnuts and pączki! Yum yum, but not good for my self control. Especially since there are so many different varieties, some of which are so delicious.

    Trying to avoid until lunchtime, when hopefully my favorites will be gone and I won’t be tempted by the flavors I feel ‘meh’ about. Not holding out much hope. Or I’m pretty sure I can talk some of my coworkers into cutting up some of the flavored ones with me so we can each try multiple flavors but only eat the equivalent of 1 doughnut.

    Happy Fat Tuesday, everyone!

    1. It’s Pancake Day here – I went for one with lots of fruit to mitigate the Nutella!

    2. Lol, something similar happened to me last week – our office gets a muffin tray once in a while and I’m usually in the office early and make a point of grabbing the carrot muffin before someone else because I love it. This last Friday I used all the self-control at my disposal to NOT take a muffin, figuring that someone would take the carrot muffin and then the whole tray would be unappealing. My 5pm, the carrot muffin was still sitting there so I ate it, figuring that it had spent all day fending off potential takers and saving itself for me.

      2. Same here. So much food. I had a dentist appointment this more and my face is all frozen and I am not allowed to eat anything until later. But everything looks so good.

    3. I am one paczek into this day already and I am happy about it! Happy Fat Tuesday everyone!

    5. Ah, I should have stopped at the Polish shop for paczki, making due with pancakes for dinner.

    6. My office has no king cake or treats of any kind and it’s so unacceptable that I’m considering looking for a new job. I’m kidding, but seriously, where is the king cake? Are there no vendors that love us?

      1. There have been 3 king cakes in my kitchen this week alone. And we’re an office of 8. I have king cake fatigue!

  9. Just wanted to give a shout-out to a great Etsy seller that made a custom leather bag for me. I wanted a present for myself to commemorate accepting a new job. All of the department store handbags seemed expensive just to have somebody else’s name stamped on it. I picked the shape of the bag from the seller’s offerings, specified the color of leather, the drop in the handles, color of the hardware, etc etc. She was very responsive and even stamped MY initials in the leather on the bag. It is now officially the nicest accessory I own!

    To avoid moderation: Corysbags is the name of the shop on Etsy.

    1. Oooh, and she’s in Europe, so I wouldn’t have to pay import taxes! Thanks for the recommendation!

    2. Thanks for posting this! I’ve been looking for a new bag and this looks like a great option.

    4. Those are beautiful! Do report back on how well it holds up! I’m looking for something that will last me years

  10. I start a new job on 2/29!! I’m really excited, and I’d like to treat myself to a few new work purchases. Business casual environment (which is what I’ve always had). My style is feminine and classic. I don’t wear shirts with collars. I don’t want to splurge on a bag or shoes… I’m thinking dresses? Or blazers? What would you choose?! Total budget is probably $500. :)

    1. I’ve been really happy with two dresses I recently purchased from MM Lafleur and Of Mercer (I’m short – Of Mercer is bad if you are tall). Can you tell I like to do my shopping online?

      Especially the of mercer dresses which are machine-washable. I’d pick up a couple of those! For a splurge, I’d go Boss Hugo Boss dress, but that’s me.

      In other words, I’d go dresses. I find those so useful.

    2. Open your wardrobe and see what you’re missing. Anything basic that you need (say a versatile dress) or something that would make you be able to wear more of clothes that you already have (say navy jumper, black slacks, good jeans, white t-shirt, we’re talking about basic for you and your style). A significant upgrade to one of your staples? If you don’t really need anything, but still want to buy something fun – do you miss anything like that (i.e. is your wardrobe too basic)? Some more patterns or a fun skirt? Now, if you still don’t find any important missing piece and you don’t seem to have any clothes related dream (something you saw in the store and are in love with, jewellery, whatever), treat yourself with something else. Weekend away, spa, whatever appeals to you. Or put that money aside for the clothing fund, so you can buy something really nice when you see it.

    4. What about a great piece of jewelry or a watch? I’m loving rose gold now, so I’m thinking a sleek rose gold, modern looking piece you can wear with anything.

      I love this one from Movado: http://amzn.to/1Se0MWZ

  11. I turn 40 later this year. While I don’t care about the “number”, I’ve been looking at my life and saying “I am living the best/happiest life I can?” Since my last birthday, I’ve been making changes. Lots more self-care and making better choices for me (you’d be surprised at how many people get ticked off when you say “no”).

    We talk a lot here about saving money and getting out of debt. I am a saver at heart and am debt free, with the exception of my home. I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I am tired of saving. Tired. Tired. Tired. So I’ve decided to take a 6 month break. I’m going to splurge on a few vacations, some new home items and some accessories and clothes I have been coveting.

    Does anyone else feel like this? Am I having a midlife crisis and don’t know it?

    1. Oh, no, you’re not crazy, financial discipline fatigue is really a thing. Count your blessings that you can afford a splurge and enjoy it!

    2. So, I’m a saver at heart, too (debt free other than my house), but sometimes I think this s*i*t*e goes a little too much in the saving direction. We also make money to make our lives better. If you can splurge on a few things that will make you happy, and you can afford them, why not do it? Especially if travel will give you wonderful memories.

    3. I am 32. I am a saver as well, and yes..I am tired of saving. I cannot afford to take six months break from work (though I would love to). I am planning for two one week vacations this year just to feel like I am doing something fun and living my life.

      1. I’m taking a 6 month break from saving; not work. THAT would be a mid-life crisis :)

    4. This, to me, is the point of savings. So that from time to time you can afford to spend money on things you want.

    5. I am also turning 40 this year and am constantly asking myself whether I am living the best life possible in the moment. Like you, I am sick and tired of saving for the future at the expense of the present. I am also fed up with sacrificing what I want for what other people want. I do think it’s a midlife crisis of sorts, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I see my child growing up before my eyes and friends and family passing away and it makes me want to take advantage of this time to create shared experiences instead of continuing to put off all the meaningful stuff in favor of what we “should” be doing.

      Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t share my perspective. The older he gets, the less he wants to enjoy the present and the more he wants to focus on a future that may never materialize.

    6. Me too. I’m 35 with no debt and about 800K in savings and investments (base salary of $150K, very variable bonus). I don’t enjoy life nearly as much as I should, haven’t upgraded clothes, etc. I feel like I’m almost not allowed to as a singleton.

      Last week I was on a business trip in a foreign country and tried to make dinner reservations at a very posh restaurant via my hotel concierge as a splurge. I was discouraged (couldn’t tell from concierge or the host on the phone) because (1) “dinner is very, very expensive” there, and (2) I was an “unaccompanied woman.” I asked the concierge which was the bigger problem and he didn’t seem to understand my question. So I gave up and ate somewhere else.

      But it was just the latest example of what I perceive as treatment from others that I cannot really own any success so long as I am single. Or…maybe I need to finally upgrade my wardrobe? Not that the married women around me seem to have to do so…

      Anyway, I feel for you. I can’t seem to take much of a break bc I fear an accident or being fired. I’m all alone in this world, in theory I cannot ever stop saving because I never know what my needs will be in old age – all I know is that I will be fending for myself.

      1. Ummm what? Ladies. Can we all focus on getting a grip? You are 35, have no debt, and 800k in savings. You can absolutely afford new clothes and no, you don’t need to save every penny possible. Go book a vacation.

        1. I don’t think she said she couldn’t afford it. It sounds like an emotional/psychological need to save. That’s understandable.

      2. Get a freaking grip. Seriously. I’ll be 35 in 10 days and am single, have $95K in student loans, $4200 in emergency savings, and $2500 in a Roth IRA. Stop your whining. You can do absolutely anything you want.

        1. +1,000

          I get that 2008 scared the crap out of all of us, but good grief. Spend some of that cash on a good therapist or life coach- the reason you’re not enjoying life is not because you *need* to save, it’s because you *fear* needing to save.

      3. Depending on the country, they may have meant that only prostitutes go there alone.

        1. +1 Good point, anonymous. Depending on the country…that could make sense.

      4. What do you mean you’re not “allowed” to upgrade clothes as a singleton? I can assure you that there is no law or cultural norm that says single women have to dress like crap. In fact, the social norms are the other way.

    7. Go for it! I got in a bad habit of denying myself any small purchases- employer was planning layoffs, we were trying to hoard cash and pay off our mortgage, etc etc. i decided to chill on all this and to my surprise I was totally happy with one nice vacation and a few pieces of clothing. Denying myself these things was making me constantly angry and resentful- it was not worth it!

  12. How do people ever buy homes without a spouse and/or some kind of special money (eg inheritance)? I know people do it, but seems so insurmountable to me!

    I am mid-20s and live in an extremely HCOL area (NYC). I make 115k, max out my 401k, and have about 5k in actual savings. I’ve only been working a couple of years, but have paid off all my debt. I generally save a few hundred each month beyond the 401k. But even if I cut out all of my indulgences (clothes, eating out, occasional manicure), it would still only be a few hundred more each month. If I manage to save 10k
    -15k in cash every year (which feels like a stretch), that is 9-10 years before I can buy a tiny apartment in this crazy city. I just get really frustrated when I think about renting forever, especially when all of my friends in LCOL areas are buying beautiful giant homes.

    1. Do you think you could move to a lower COL area? You could even move to another major city on the east coast (or elsewhere) and you’d still save more. Would you be open to having a roommate if you stay in NYC?

      1. Yep. Mortgageless, you kind of answered your own question – you live in a LCOL. At least that’s how I managed to do it. I stayed in the LCOL area where I went to law school, instead of moving back to DC/NoVA because I knew I wanted to own a house. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times (aka any time anything goes wrong) that I wish I was still renting.

        I think you could also try to reframe your thinking. Why is owning important to you? Is it just so you feel like you are keeping up with everyone else? That’s really not a good reason to buy. Is it because you want to be able to do whatever you want to your home? You can usually paint and decorate an apartment so long as you return it to the condition it was in when you moved in. Plus, home improvement projects are not always as fun as they look in HGTV. Trust me. Not to mention that if you want a change of scenery or want to live in a different type of home (Condo/rowhouse to detached), moving is way more of a hassle (selling while also trying to buy).

        There are certainly good reasons to own, but there are also good reasons to continue to rent. I would suggest thinking more about the why before deconstructing the how.

    2. That’s absurd!!! You’re doing great and you’ll easily be able to buy when you’re 30.

      Say you are 25 now. You save $10,000 a year each year until you are 30. You then have $50,000 to spend on a downpayment. You’re then looking to put 10% down, so a $500,000 apt, or 5% down, which brings you up to a million. Which actually means there are plenty of apartments available.

      I live here too. Lots of my friends are buying. The only ones putting 20% have parents contributing. The others are either raiding their 401ks or paying PMI.

      No need to panic. You’re doing a great job with your finances. If you want to buy you will be able to.

        2. Look outside the bubble. Lots of places in Brooklyn and Queens. All of Jersey City and Hoboken, much of Manhattan above 106th st.

          If the only “home” you can imagine is a Junior 4 on the Upper East Side, yeah, you better start focusing on marrying well.

      2. No one is going to give you a mortgage with 5% down for a million dollar place. That’s a jumbo loan and those require 10% at the very least, and would most likely require more.

        1. +1. And it’s for good reason–if you bought a $1M house with 5% down, at current rates, you’d be looking at a monthly payment of ~$6k factoring in taxes/insurance/PMI. On a $115k annual salary, that’s almost all of monthly take-home. And it doesn’t include any mandatory maintenance fees, and obviously other costs of living.

        2. Exactly this. Even if you could get the loan (you won’t) you shouldn’t do it because you can’t afford the monthly payments on that. My SO makes over 3x that amount and was laughed at by lenders when he tried to get a 10% down loan for a $1M+ apartment (he was thinking very financially and didn’t want to put that much of his equity into real estate).

          Mortgageless – you are only in your mid 20’s. There’s no rush to buy an apartment, especially not in NYC. I agree that it’s much harder without a partner, but not impossible if you are open to looking outside Manhattan. You’ve already put yourself in a good place by paying off your loans and maxing out your 401K.

    3. You live simply.

      Do you need a beautiful giant home? Do you WANT a beautiful giant home? Yeah, they look nice…. but think of all of that CLEANING. That stops me right there.

      You are still very young ….. and comparing yourself to your friends seems to be so important….

      I see my home as my little haven. It is cozy, simple, quirky and wonderful. It is a very small 1 bedroom apartment. I rent.

      It takes awhile, but I figured out it is plenty for me. I will probably never buy until I retire. I live in a higher cost of living area.

      It is much more important to me to occasionally eat out, get a manicure, buy the clothes I need (and want!) and save for retirement…. than spend a fortune on a beautiful giant home that costs a fortune to clean/heat/cool/maintain oh my goodness…… I suspect I have a more stable retirement prospect right now than most of my married friends living in giant houses.

    4. I’m in a HCOL area too and I’ve just sort of accepted that I’ll never own a home. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me too much because I see the benefits in renting and I like where I live. It really depends on the lifestyle you want. If you want the McMansion, you’d have to give up your city life. Which is more important to you?

      1. I’m in NYC and both my husband and I make a reasonably good amount of money. We looked into buying but decided that there just isn’t a good way for us to do that. We’ve accepted that we will be renting (in our rent stabilized apartment hopefully) until we leave the city when we will likely buy something.

    5. DC is my dream city. I love it here and I’ve wanted to live here my entire life. I’ve just arrived, and as much as I love it, I’m afraid I might have to leave if I ever want to get ahead financially.

      Rent is 40% of my take-home. Therapy is 15%. Student loans are 20% (and that’s on IBR! Isn’t there another plan?). Other bills are 10%. Forget saving for retirement, I’m struggling to put money into my emergency fund. I’m constantly worried about money. I went out to dinner last night for a friend’s birthday, and I couldn’t afford to order a drink to toast her with.

      I’m a 35 year old divorcee, and thought I could swing a one bedroom, but apparently I need to find a roommate. Or a new spouse! ;)

      1. Stop spending 40% of your take-home pay on rent! Live in a less expensive area or yes, get a roomate.

        1. Getting a roommate at 35 is not everyone’s first choice, nor should it have to be. It’s not fun to spend 40% of your income on rent, but it’s also not uncommon in big cities and I’d much rather do that than have to deal with someone else living in my home.

          1. But if she’s constantly worried about money and can’t even afford to buy one drink for a friend’S birthday, it sounds like she can’t really afford a one bedroom apartment and would be better off with a roommate.

          2. Well, that’s true. I just think it’s hard to deal with a roommate at 35. Much different than when you’re 25.

      2. Do you work near a metro? Are you willing to live in the burbs? Do you work long hours? Do you ever work from home? Depending on what’s important to you, you could live on the VRE or MARC rail lines in an area with cheaper housing. If you’re a fed you get a subsidy, and if your earnings are high, you can afford it.

    6. In NYC, I’m honestly not sure they do. I know two people who have bought in the city–one, a condo in Queens. She had been living rent-free with her parents for about a decade and was therefore able to save up for a down payment. The other had a townhouse in Brooklyn and worked in finance. Both were in their mid-to-late 30s when they bought. The other friends I have that are my age (30ish) that bought houses bought a good hour, hour and a half commute outside the city and were only able to afford it because they either a) made lots and lots of money (think BigLaw with large bonuses, or financial/hedge fund types) or b) had family money helping them out.

      I looked at the numbers, realized I could never, ever afford to buy property in NYC (or, you know, retire) with what I was making and what I had in student loans, and left.

    7. You buy a co-op in Queens. Jackson Heights, Astoria, Sunnyside – lots of great options that help maintain a balance where you can live in a nice area, good commute to work, and still have enough money left over to enjoy your life. Not as cool as living in the East Village, but that’s life.

      2. Co-ops in Astoria were getting quite spendy when we looked last year. I imagine it has only gone up. Jackson Heights is probably still less expensive but from what I hear, Sunnyside is the new up and coming neighborhood in Queens so I’m guessing prices will go up there too.

        Queens is a great place to live though!

      3. Queens here too! After spending my 20’s in a walk-up on the UWS, moved to Queens in my 30’s. Definitely thumbed my nose at “outer boroughs” in my 20’s, but now that I live here I would never go back! Commute is only a few minutes longer than from the UWS and the quality of living is awesome! Could never have afforded the downpayment in my 20’s – finances looked very similar to yours, but after getting married, in the last 4 years DH and my salaries have increased significantly in our 30’s and we kept our cost of living approximately the same and socked the extra away until it was time to buy.

      4. The idea that anyone who struggles with the idea of how to buy an apartment in NYC must be set on Manhattan is just crazy. Most 25 year olds don’t even want to live in Manhattan, they live in Brooklyn…and not fancy Brooklyn, newly-gentrifying Brooklyn (Crown Heights, East Bushwick, etc). It’s unaffordable there, too.

    8. This is normal. In very HCOL areas, people who don’t have parental assistance usually don’t buy in their 20s, and waiting until 35ish is very typical. I am 32 and live in SF. The only people I know who bought property in their 20s won the start-up lottery and became millionaires, or their parents basically bought the property and they contributed some minimal amount. My independent, working friends (all of whom make six figure incomes) have only started buying in the last year, and those people have all bought condos or small townhomes, because there are no single family homes here under a million.

      If owning property in your 20s or not spending $1 million for a condo are important goals, move to a lower cost of living area. But remember the grass is always greener, and I’m sure a lot of your friends in these areas are envious of your cool NYC life.

    9. Or you buy in the burbs. I’m in Westchester for the sole reason that we couldn’t afford a place with enough space for kids in the city. I have a spouse and we make a pretty decent combined income, even for NYC, but still.

    10. Sometimes on this site I feel a little regret because I live in a very LCOL area and as an attorney in a very small town I will never, ever make six figures. But then I read this and we just bought a four bedroom house and 130 acres for $250K and I want to invite all of you to move out here so you can stop missing out on this happiness.

      1. Yep. Live in a mid-sized LCOL city in the south and have a 3 bed/2 bath house with a big yard 10 minutes from downtown that cost $137,000. It’s magical.

        Of course, I’m not a big city person, and I’m sure there are many wonderful things about NYC that I will never experience here.

      2. I live in Chicago, which is not exactly LCOL, but not as crazy as DC/NOVA, NYC and SF. I own a 2-flat in the city that I bought for $300k, 5% down. I live in one of the apartments, which is a 2-bed, 2-bath unit with a full semi-finished basement, a garage, and a fenced yard for my dogs. There’s another apartment in the building that I rent out, which brings in extra income. The neighborhood is not the most trendy ever, but it’s safe, pretty, close to the CTA trains, and close to a lot of places that I go regularly. I don’t have a 6-figure salary, so I had to save aggressively for 2 years (no eating out, no new clothes, no travel, minimizing expenses as much as possible) to save the down payment plus expenses for moving and upgrading/repairs before moving in. After putting 100% of my rental income towards the mortgage payment (which includes real estate taxes, PMI, and insurance), I pay ~$1200/month, which is only slightly more than I paid in rent for a much smaller place in a trendier neighborhood ($1100 for a studio in Lincoln Park with a parking space). I have extra expenses for repairs but no condo association fees, I have PMI, I have the risk of losing a few months of rental income if the apartment is vacant for a while, and the neighborhood is nice enough but not my ideal. I also didn’t buy till I was in my mid-30s. So, there are tradeoffs.

    11. By moving to LCOL cities. Not even necessarily ‘low’ cost of living but just lower than the expensive place.

    12. Umm saving for 10 years and then buying in your mid-30s sounds ideal. Chances are you aren’t going to want to stay where you’re living in your mid-20s anyway.

    13. I know the feeling. This is me exactly. I take home about 120k a year. My cousin makes 30-40k. She lives in the town we grew up in and owns a home. It’s big and beautiful on a big and beautiful property. Her house alone would cost 4 to 5 times what she paid if it was here on NYC. Sometimes I get jealous but I love my job and my life in the city so I am okay with renting.

      Others have touched on this; I think you need to look at the reasons for what you are feeling. If you are really feeling left behind and unhappy it might be time for a change so you can rectify that. Of you are just envious of others having a house but are happy with living where you are and renting than you need to deal with those feelings. It’s tough I know. I’ve been there.

    14. As others have mentioned, location really matters. I bought a very small house in my mid-20s on a $170k salary two years after graduating law school. At that point I had about $60,000 saved up, and put down a $30,000 down payment. But I also had very little school debt and was living very frugally in a city with a relatively low cost of living. I decided to buy after realizing my mortgage payments would be lower than my rent.

    15. I just did it n DC on a $150K salary without any outside help. Late 30s. Bought a house for a little over $500K. Not easy – but can be done!

      Here’s what I did:
      I spent years working to get to debt-free (except small student loan) to perfect my credit score.
      Once debt paid off, I switched to putting all of that debt repayment money and more into savings – $2000-3000/month. (this wasn’t as hard as it sounds, still did vacations and some meals out – just had to be disciplined in tracking spending)
      Tax refunds and occasional bonuses went directly into savings.
      Put 5% down. (about $25k + about $18k in closing/title) Bought a house that should appreciate. It’s not shiny new and has some quirks, but it’s in great shape in an improving neighborhood.
      I definitely wasn’t the best buyer on paper – one income, low downpayment, etc. But my good credit score got me a good mortgage and my real estate agent negotiated well for me.

      You can do it – just going to take some patience and a rising salary.

  13. Just had a personal victory and wanted to share it with people I know will understand.

    The company I work at is very much an ‘old boys club’ and I am one of the few women who work here. It’s my first job after college. Ever since I started here one of the senior supervisors would never get my name right. (Example: if my name was Elizabeth, he would call me Sarah, Michelle, Alice etc.) This went on for months and no matter how many times I politely corrected him or tried to highlight my name in my email signature he didn’t get it. He never does this with men and he even writes their names on post it notes when he meets them to help him remember.

    On Friday right as we were wrapping up a project meeting he asked me to complete something for the project by Monday morning. Or rather…he said loudly in a room full of people for Susan to complete *insert document here*. Something inside me snapped. I didn’t complete the document before I left for the day and I didn’t do it over the weekend.

    On Monday at the project meeting he confronted me about not doing it in front of everyone. I firmly said that he didn’t ask me, he asked someone else. He insisted he asked Kerry at first and then later said he asked Jane. In the meeting I got pulled into with his bosses afterwards he got my name wrong ever single time and completely embarrassed himself. His boss pulled me aside later and apologized, told me not to worry about it and said it would be addressed. It’s only been a day but senior supervisor has gotten my name right every time since then.

    It may seem like a small or stupid thing but I am proud of myself for being assertive and not apologizing or giving in. I grew up in a family where women were seen and not heard. I no longer have contact with them and I am working on standing up for myself and not going with the flow just to keep the peace. I’ve read so much on here about women being assertive and knowing that I’m not the only one stuff like this happens to really helps. I had a really rough weekend because I was afraid of getting in trouble at work and I almost gave in and did the work but I’m happy I didn’t. Thank you to everyone on here for helping me stand up for myself.

    4. Congratulations and thanks for posting. Those small personal victories count the most!

    11. I am raising my second paczek of the day in your honor. Perfect way to handle this. Good for you!

    13. Slow clap!

      Also, what a miserable excuse of a human being. Rotten. I am glad you showed him.

    18. You did it, rockstar!! Sounds like he will never miss your name again, and you got to make your point with a bit of flair without any blowback.

      That is such an awesome story–thank you for sharing it.

    20. Am I the only one wishing we had a transcript of the meeting with his boss to read?

      D-bag: Boss, I assigned the document to Susan.
      Big Boss: There’s no Susan here.
      D-bag: Right, right, I meant Kerry.
      Big Boss: There’s also no Kerry on the team.
      D-bag: Well, obviously, I meant for Jane to do it.
      Big Boss: Really? That’s strange. Jane quit three years ago.
      D-bag: Well, but, I mean – oh come on, it’s not like there are any other girls on the team! Amanda should’ve known I meant for her to do it!
      Big Boss: Katherine. Your employee’s name is Katherine.

      END SCENE

      2. Except for the part where he referred to me as the same name on Friday (Susan) that is very close to what happened. Every day the names are different and he didn’t remember what he called me on Friday when he gave me the work.

        Your recreation was great. I laughed out loud when I read it.

    24. This is awesome. I have a seriously hard time understanding how your boss can be such a d-bag. At first I thought you meant he had *one* wrong name for you (as in, your name is Alice but he consistently calls you Susan) – I can’t believe he actually calls you a random different name each time. It is so, so great that you managed a resolution to this that actually got HIM in trouble with HIS bosses. Hats off to you!

  14. A few months ago I applied for a position at an organization I am really interested in that was to start in January. I talked to the person hiring before the shortlisting phase. Ultimately I wasn’t shortlisted and since it’s now Feb I can safely assume the position went to someone else.
    Today I saw a listing that is very similar to the previous one by the same person. My guess is that this is one of two scenarios, a re-advertisement of the same position as before (maybe something went wrong?) or a new position that is somewhat similar. I want to reapply but I’m afraid of looking desperate or of being completely ignored. I think that the person will likely remember I applied before. For context this is a contract type scientific research position(postdoctoral). I am very interested in the work and it would really help my career if I got it(the past 2 years have really been a struggle). How do I re-approach this individual? In the previous case, I sent an email which went unanswered, so I ended up calling to talk to them. Should I send another email or call? And how do I frame the email/call? Thanks in advance.

    1. OP here: the new listing looks like a completely new project. So not a re-advertisement as I thought earlier. But still not sure how to approach this person.

    2. Follow the posting’s instructions on how to apply, but acknowledge the prior contact in the cover letter/cover email (something along the lines of “I really enjoyed speaking with you about PRIOR POSTING, and our conversation strengthened my interest in joining ORGANIZATION”). I don’t think it’s all that weird or desperate to apply to a new posting on a different project, especially since it sounds like you’re in a pretty specific field with a limited number of openings available overall.

  15. I woke up the morning to find a job rejection email in my inbox with the following title:

    [Thank you for your interest – Assustant General Counsel]

    As you can imagine, I am not exactly crying in my beer about not getting this job!!!

  16. TJ: I am taking an online course in goal setting with the hope that I can revive a flagging law firm career that was damaged when my major client went under last year. I came up with goals that seem consistent with law firm achievement (e.g., “get new client in X space” and “bring in work from Y client”). When I consulted with the instructor, she said that these goals don’t seem to make my heart sing and have no passion behind them; she pointed out that they seem like goals I think I should achieve rather than ones I am really going to be passionate about and strive for. I hear her — she’s probably right — but I have no idea where my passions lie and am being motivated in no small part by desperation — I have to bring in business. Anybody have any ideas for how to figure out goals that really come out of your passions? I did a vision board but it is focused more on losing weight and engaging in healthy physical activities, and while I’d love to quit my job and hike all the time, I have a mortgage to pay and a kid to raise.

    1. I think you are supposed to ask “why” are those your goals? It sounds like your goals are – pay off mortgage, pay for college so kid can start adulthood debt-free. Then the “how” do you achieve those goals are getting Y clients in X space.

    2. What kind of clients do you want? What business do you want to be doing? What skills do you want to develop?

      Getting clients or bringing in work is a pretty useless goal. Obviously it’s the desired outcome, but same as it makes more sense to have weight loss goals like “pack lunches” and “run 5k” than just “look like model” break it down a bit. Focus on aspects of your job you do like.

    3. It sounds like this course is more targeted to life goals versus immediate career goals. I like my job, but my job has never been my passion. Like you, I have a mortgage to pay and while I don’t have a kid, certainly have other bills that necessitate a job that may not be my PASSION!

      I think you are on the right track to focus on immediate business goals – I am not sure how you make generating more business sound passionate to be honest. I am guessing the instructor is some sort of life coach? I probably wouldn’t be all that wrapped up in making my work goals sound passionate unless I was, in fact, passionate about my job.

    4. Oh jeez. Making your “heart sing” is great but paying the mortgage is even better. If your passion and your work line up, mazel tov. But for most of us, work that’s good enough is good enough, and better than what the majority of people have. I’m in my area of law because that’s where my big firm put me when I graduated. I always thought I’d get out of it, but that never happened and now I’m pretty happy to have a solid foundation and a certain expertise. I wouldn’t say it’s my passion, though. If you need to bring in business, then your goal needs to be to bring in business. If you feel like you’re not making the most out of your life, find hobbies that are your passion, or set up a long-term plan to shift into another line of work that you like better. But it’s really the rare person who’s all passionate about their work every minute. And even those people need to find a way to make their work pay.

    5. Do you have to be passionate about your work? I’m a pretty content lawyer, but I wouldn’t say it’s a passionate feeling. I think your motivations for work goals can be grounded in the practical- that mortgage needs paying. Add in some personal goals for more emotional needs. What does she suggest as sample goals that make your heart sing and still allow you to pay the bills?

    6. Needing to be passionate about everything you do is an unfortunate lie that so many people perpetuate because it’s nice in theory. You’re not going to be passionate about tons of stuff, especially always about a career. It helps if you can be, but really, most of us try to find something we like ok that we are at least ok at. I bet teaching an online course is not making your instructor’s heart sing and that is totally ok. Maybe it would help to ask her what does, and you can draw some inspiration there.

  17. I joined WW on January 9, with a goal of losing 30 pounds. I could probably stand to lose a little more, but that seemed like an achievable goal. The first week, I lost 3.5 pounds. Then 4 pounds, then another 3.5 pounds. The fourth week, I lost less than a pound. And, during the fourth week, I barely dipped into my extra weekly points, whereas I used all of them during the prior three weeks. This has been incredibly discouraging and it makes me want to give up, which I realize is silly, but that’s how I’m feeling. Is this sudden drop off typical? Was the rate of loss bound to slow down after a certain point? Any advice as to what I should expect moving forward?

    1. That is awesome! Keep up the good work. I think WW only worries if you go 6 weeks without weight loss. I would also worry sooner, but one off week is not a reason to quit a program that is working that well.

    2. Don’t get discouraged! Dropping weight that quickly is impressive but not unusual at first. You need to reframe what normal, healthy weight loss is: 1-2 pounds per week is normal. You are bound to level off as it gets harder for your body to “let go” of the weight so to speak. Don’t punish yourself for not keeping up with that initial loss, but stay confident that you are on the right path even if you are just maintaining.

    3. Oh my god. Get a grip. Yes this is completely normal. Read your plan materials. The goal is sustainable weight loss between 1-2lbs a week. You lost nearly 12lbs in a month. Please just celebrate that fact.

      1. +1. I would be over the moon if I could lose twelve pounds in one month. I have 20 pounds to lose, I would be very happy if I lose 15 of it. I have difficulty losing one pound a week.

        Also OP, you may be retaining water (salty food, periods etc). So keep going, next week it may return to normal.

      2. Anonymous at 11:27, why so rude? Don’t tell me to get a grip. I asked a valid question as to what was normal and what to expect moving forward. Of course I’ve celebrated losing 12 pounds. I never thought I’d do so well at first, and it’s incredibly motivating. But it’s also scary to have that stop so suddenly, when you want something so badly. I also noted in my post that my feelings were probably silly, but sometimes feelings come out that way. There’s absolutely no need to be mean to a random stranger on the internet for no apparent reason. You should get a grip and stop being a d*ick.

        1. I gave you solid advice. You’re whining about fantastic weight loss. A second of googling would have solved this without the humblebrag.

          I even congratulated you! If this is too mean that’s a you problem.

          1. Not a humblebrag. Just a valid question with some data to paint a full picture. You’re a d*ck.

          3. +1 During a weight loss journey it is very important to have people around you who remind you to shake yourself and ease up on the obsessing. Our bodies are very complicated so obsessing over one week’s weigh is usually fruitless – only worry if you see a pattern.

          4. No, Anonymous, you were being a jerk. I wish I knew if it was always the same anonymous commenters who are complete jerks, but it’s been a serious, sad trend on this blog in the past year. Be a bit nicer or get a life and keep it to yourself.

          5. Come on, it was just a little tough love, she told you to celebrate your weight loss in the same post! She’s not a d*ck just because she said “get a grip” in a message that gave context clues that she wasn’t yelling at you, just kind of gently rolling her eyes. It’s extremely typical for weight loss to happen quickly at first, then plateau, etc.

          6. I kinda like the Anonymous who has been showing up regularly for the last year or so telling people to get a grip. Her advice is solid. You go on with your bad self, Anonymous.

          7. I wish you two ladie’s would stop fighting. As a person with a large tuchus, I to am sensitive, but it is NOT an excuse to call someone who does NOT agree with everything I say a d**ck. That is harsh, and even sensitive peeople should NOT throw stone’s at peeople who may not be as sensitive. Go easy girl’s –we are all in the HIVE together. Kat, please meditate between these to ladie’s! YAY!!!

    4. I’ve never gone through a weight loss journey but I believe this what they refer to as a plateau. The pounds come off easy at first and then get more stubborn. I would recommend looking at your body fat % rather than your weight (if you’re working out with strength training). I am at a healthy weight but whenever I quit lifting I lose about 5 pounds. But it’s 5 pounds of muscle…remember that body composition is just as important, if not more important than weight.

      1. WW only considers it a plateau if you lose no weight for 6 weeks, not if you lose 12 lbs in 4 weeks.

    5. Expect to have a week where you work out lots and eat well and nonetheless gain 2 lbs. Expect to have another week where you totally blow your points and yet the scale drops a little. But definitely get comfortable with a pace of 0.5-2lbs/week. More weeks on the 0.5lb side than on the 2lbs side.

        1. I think others were constructive too. Your expectations seem strangely high. Why on earth would losing a pound make you want to give up after losing 12 lbs? That strikes me as odd.

      1. BMI was actually obese. I just dropped into the overweight category with the recent losses. I wear a size 12-14.

    7. Also, chart your period. I would always hold steady or even gain the week of my period and then have a big drop after. Nothing wrong with it, just bodies being bodies.

    8. Do use love of your points, including the extras – I always found my weight loss slowed down when I didn’t, even though it sounds counterintuitive. You’re doing fabulously, just keep going!

    9. Do use all of your points, including the extras – I always found my weight loss slowed down when I didn’t, even though it sounds counterintuitive. You’re doing fabulously, just keep going!

    10. You’re 1/3 of the way to your goal in only 1 month. Great work! Congratulations!

  18. In all seriousness, does anyone have a recommendation for black fleece lined tights, preferably ones I can order from Amazon and qualify for Prime (or some other site that will give me free shipping on small order)? I’m tall (5’8), and it seems most tall reviewers on Amazon haven’t found a pair they’ve liked.

    2. I’m 5’6, but I love the Angelina fleece-lined footless leggings available for about $9 on Amazon Prime. They’re just a little bit thicker than my fleece-lined tights. I prefer footless leggings because I like to wear them with thick wool socks and boots. They’re so comfortable I wish I could live in them. They do pill a bit over time, but I haven’t found any that do not.

      Before that, I stocked up on Urban Outfitters’ fleece-lined tights. They often have a discount if you buy two pairs (available in footless and regular).

    3. I don’t know if you are in the north east, but if you are, Ocean State Job Lot has great ones for under $5. That’s an in person trip though. I have so many great finds from that store. Very hit or miss though.

        1. Since you know it, allow me to brag a minute. :) It’s like a scavenger hunt every time I go there. I just wish they had fitting rooms. Everything I own from there was a total steal, usually $20 or under. I have a Nautica terry cloth bathrobe, Nautica fleece PJs, wool hiking and ski socks that are at least 20 years old and in perfect condition, a CB snowmobile jacket (basically a cross between a motorcycle jacket and a ski jacket), a CB summer rain jacket, a maxi dress and of course, fleece lined tights. My latest find was a $45 shirt from Macy’s (tags still on) for $10 that is reversible, polka dots and stripes, to wear over leggings. I buy all of my olive oil, coconut oil and maple syrup there. The largest containers are $10. Someday, I will buy their kayak package. I just have nowhere to store the kayak at the moment. Anytime I need to make a gift basket I make something from there. All the Bob’s red mill stuff, plus the jug of maple syrup makes a great breakfast basket. I do the olive oil, olives, other pickled things, cocktail napkins, etc. for an apps basket. I got the nicest place mats there, stiff fabric, easy to clean, modern design, 4 for $2.99. LOVE IT!

    4. Long Tall Sally has fleece tights. If you are on the border of sizes, though, you can just order one size up in fleece tights. If you’re a size 2 the larger size might be kind of weird and baggy, but if you’re a 6 going from S/M to M/L or a 12 going into XL/plus, it should work.

  19. Ugh, just had somebody make a “show me that pretty smile” comment to me at work. Not in a position to push back because this person could make my life difficult (controls access to an installation I do business on) but, gross.

  20. Sorry in advance for my ignorance-
    A former work colleague’s family member passed away. This colleague was a mentor of sorts to me, not super close though. They are Jewish and sitting shiva in the evenings. Would you go if you were me? I’m at a loss for what’s appropriate because a) as an immigrant, I’m not well versed in American etiquette, especially for funerals, and b) I am not Jewish and a little clueless re: Jewish cultural norms. Thanks!

    1. Shiva is a stop-in and then you can leave type affair, so yes, I’d go if I were invited and free then. You can stop by, express your condolences, eat a little food and then leave.

    2. Yes, I think it would be appropriate for you to go during the hours listed. There may be praying at some point, but that will be quick and totally fine for you to be there. Do not bring flowers; you could bring food if you want to not be empty-handed (although if there is a chance the home is kosher, it’s a little more complicated, and might just avoid…there will be a lot of food there already).

    3. Absolutely go. You can just stop in, visit for a bit, and leave. At some point they will say prayers, which are short; you don’t need to participate.

  21. I am so fed up with being a working mom. I just found out that my kid has a sports competition 100 miles from home on a Friday evening when I am supposed to be flying back from a work trip. Now I have to decide whether to (1) tell her she can’t compete because mommy has to work, (2) try to get out of the trip so I can take her to the competition (it’s not like they really need me, but it would look bad if I didn’t go), or (3) try to find another parent to bring her to the competition, leave my meeting early, take a direct flight to an airport near the competition, and get there just in time to see her compete assuming that the flight is on time. None of these options is particularly attractive. Arrrrgh.

    1. Couldn’t you have another parent take the child and bring him or her back. You might have to miss this competition, and I promise you, while your child might be sad, he or she will get over it.

      1. This option. Or tell her “no, it’s last minute and I have work.”

        It’s totally fine for children to learn that life costs money and earning it comes before their fun activities.

        1. +5 million. Approximately. You do not have to bend yourself into noodles to 1) see your child compete or 2) enable her to compete.

      2. +1 I was a gymnast as a child and regularly had meets all over the state. Sometimes my parents had to miss them. I promise I turned out ok.

        Maybe you can get a parent to record it too and watch it with your kidover the weekend.

    2. This may be unpopular but…can’t you just NOT go to the competition? People work, schedules are made. You can’t go to every single performance/competition/tournament. I think kids need to understand there are other priorities

      1. +1. Especially if she’s known about the tournament for weeks but only just told you. That was my parents’ policy.

        1. We knew that there was a competition that weekend (Friday through Sunday), but the session schedule saying she would compete on Friday just came out, and the client just decided that the meeting should run a full day when it was originally supposed to be in the morning. This is coming at a really bad time when I am getting lots of flak from my husband and my child about my travel.

          2. Because he is already feeling that he does more than his share because he has to take care of everything at home while I am gone. I can’t really ask him to take the afternoon off work and drive her 100 miles to the competition by himself.

          3. What? Why can’t he do it? Why are you not telling your child “excuse me? I work hard so you have food to eat and get to do the things you like. I wish I could be home more but I can’t and we all need to make the best if it.”

          5. Why can’t your husband go and take a video? You can’t and don’t need to make it to every event, I promise. Of course she wants you there, but she will be fine without you.

          6. You know your household, if you think your husband is being reasonable I’ll defer to that, but based on your description here it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like he is ganging up on you with your child to give you flak about traveling – that’s really not ok if true. If he’s separately giving you a hard time, I guess that’s different, especially if you feel it’s justified. I do understand what it’s like when both parents feel they are doing the lion’s share and resentment builds, and it’s important not just to dismiss the other parent as a jerk but…can’t he just take one for the team? Him taking an afternoon off work sounds very minor compared to you having to cancel a work trip.

            Also agree that if he can’t take her and you/she can’t arrange a ride, she doesn’t have to go. My parents took what I can only describe as an extremely casual attitude towards my after-school activities and–because they were loving and never belittled me, but still made clear that this stuff just wasn’t all that important in the scheme of things–I think it helped me understand that I wasn’t the center of the universe.

    3. I think it’s ridiculous how children’s extracurricular activities are scheduled with no regard to the fact that one (or usually both) parents have to actually work until 5 or 6pm. I’d just tell my kid no, it’s too far and it’s last minute you aren’t going. She’ll get over it.

    4. I agree that have another parent (husband, or one of the other parents involved in the sport) and miss it just this once. It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things. If you never showed up to her activities that would be one thing but missing it once is honestly no big deal.

      (Btw, is this figure skating? Sounds like it to me. As a former figure skater, it was pretty typical for one of the skate moms to drive a large group of skaters to/from a competition. Everyone’s mom didn’t go to every competition, especially the ones that were held during the workweek. And this was in the 1990s in a red state where 80%+ of the moms were SAHMs. People still carpooled. I can tell you 20 years later that some of my fondest memories with my mom are the road trips we took to skating stuff and having her do my hair beforehand, but I couldn’t begin to tell you any specifics about the handful of competitions she missed for work. It didn’t devastate me at the time and now they’re just not on my radar in any way.)

      1. Close–it’s gymnastics. We find out months in advance which weekends the meets are, but they don’t announce the session schedule until a couple of weeks out. This is her first year competing. There is no carpooling to meets, at least not yet. Most families bring along both parents, all the siblings, and even the grandparents. Logically I know I should just go to the meeting and find her a carpool, but she already resents my travel so much.

          1. Then by sending her on her own (with another parent), you’ll be setting an awesome example for her that the work her mother does is important. That the work that WOMEN do is important. That being her mother is a huge part of your life, but that because your work is also important, you will sometimes have obligations to the outside world. This is a good lesson for so many reasons, even if (like most good lessons) it might be a touch painful at the time. And the next time, you’ll make it work and you’ll be there.

        2. How old is she? Do you have down time on your work trips? If she’s old enough to stay home alone and you get some down time, consider letting her come on one of your trips. She can hang in the hotel room and watch TV and order room service, swim in the hotel pool and stuff while you are working. Then, you could spend a weekend day just the two of you in the new location doing tourist stuff and fly back a day later than your colleagues. This is assuming your trips aren’t work all the hours type. I bet if she got to do something cool that her friends didn’t she would be much more positive about mom’s work trips.

    5. Tell your child that she can go, but since both you and your husband have to work and it’s 100 miles away, she will have to get a ride from other parent. If you freak out about not watching her compete, she’ll pick up on that; if you present it as normal that yes, sometimes, Mom has a business trip and Dad has to work, and that means she will go by herself, she will be fine.

      Promise.

      And then figure out where these expectations – your expectations of yourself – are coming from.

    6. No solution but very sympathetic. Swimmer mom here. Coach always wants mine to swim the Thursday evening relays, which means an extra half-day off work. I have two other kids (so one parent covers them) and neither of us has unlimited vacation days to spend on swim meets! Also–note to coach–I am not fine with the message that swim meets trump school or an extra half day off school is no big deal.

    7. My kid wouldn’t be going. And we’ve had similar things come up with our boys. They understand ‘sorry, but Dad and I have to work. Hopefully everything will work out for the next one”.

      And then I’d probably be having a discussion with my husband about the travel issue. I assume you taking your job was a joint decision? That he agreed to help make the travel work at some point? Have things at your job changed since then? It’s impossible to tell what your family dynamic is like, but it does sound like Dh isn’t super supportive at the moment, and I don’t know if this is usual or not.

      Our family motto is ‘Team Lastname’. That means we all do what we can to make the family lay work and get stuff done. I am the primary breadwinner and Dh is the primary caregiver who works part time and has a more flexible job. Yeah, he sometimes gets tired of taking on more of those roles. And I do all I can to help him out. But bottom line is we do what we need to do to keep our family successful. And most of the time I think we do pretty good.

    8. I get it. I live in a similar place and the pull to lean out is strong. You got rational, reasoned advice this morning but having family and children isn’t always about rational or reasoned. Sure having your child see you as a professional woman with accomplishments outside the house is valuable. But, sometimes, being physically there for her exactly when she wants you seems more valuable. I’m not telling you to ignore the advice you got this morning. I’m just saying that I’m a mom and a professional and I right now the pull towards the former is stronger than the pull towards the latter and that’s okay.

  22. Just a reminder that we’re having a Corporette meetup in Downtown Los Angeles this evening at 5:30 at Bunker Hill Bar and Grill. Everybody is welcome and feel free to bring friends, SO’s, wing women, whoever.

    Shoot me an email at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you are interested. Or, you know, just show up!

  23. Note to self: when wearing brand new flats to work, bring a second pair of already-broken-in shoes to wear when your heels inevitably cry out for mercy around midday. Ow . . .

    Also, over the weekend I ended things with the guy who’d told me he didn’t want a relationship, because I’d started dating an amazing guy who did want one. He went from “don’t get too attached, I’m not big on monogamy” to “but I have feelings for you! I might want a relationship! you mean a lot to me!” Ughh . . . Not the first time I’ve dated someone who doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, and then gets upset when I ditch him for someone who does.

  24. Darn it! Forgot the name of this site gets me in moderation. Trying again…

    Just a reminder that we’re having a Corpor e t t e meetup in Downtown Los Angeles this evening at 5:30 at Bunker Hill Bar and Grill. Everybody is welcome and feel free to bring friends, SO’s, wing women, whoever.

    Shoot me an email at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you are interested. Or, you know, just show up!

    1. Thank you! And to you too!
      I picked up a king cake for the office today, and it was a huge disappointment. Very bread-y, somehow. Should not have deviated from my usual bakery.

  26. Love the idea of this blazer, but I cannot imagine wearing it in an office. Maybe to a speaking engagement? And, odd as it sounds, “spamtest123”.

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