Wednesday’s TPS Report: Fitted Ponte Dress

373 Comments

1. Interesting article on glass ceiling/lack of women’s advancement.

   http://www.bu.edu/today/2013/pov-women-s-rights-yeah-right/

   1. This was really interesting.
      See a lot of what was described here. A lot of ‘we’ work from the men, when things go wrong or the idea didn’t originate with them, but little of that when there are problems….

   2. Very interesting– thanks for posting!

2. Does anyone have advice for Skype interviews? For some reference, I’m a third-year attorney, lateraling to a very small firm. I’ve passed several rounds of interviews (phone and in person), and now have a Skype interview with the name partner. I’m planning to practice using Skype, make sure my background looks good, dress well, look at her face and not my own…what else?

   Also, any substantive advice for the interview. What do you think she’ll ask me that I didn’t cover in my other interviews?

   Thanks to anyone who helps!!

   1. I think you’re on the right track. Make sure you have a good connection where you’ll be so technology doesn’t get in the way. Also, we had one person who had prepared answers to the questions she thought we’d ask. It was a little distracting and a lot less natural when she seemed to be referring to notes or reading answers. Answer questions naturally. Ask for time to think when you need to.

   2. I use Skype for business regularly. For an important interview/meeting, I stand up and move back a little and place the camera at eye level. I do this because I know I slouch in my chair and it’s easier for me to stand up straight. Since I’m standing further back, I wear a headset so the communication is as clear as possible. Standing back will show your head AND shoulders, which I think is better than when you Skype with someone and all you see is giant FACE. What you want to avoid is tilting the camera to show an unflattering angle. If you talk with your hands, make sure your nails are manicured. *** check your teeth ***

   3. I read that taping googly eyes on either side of your web cam helps you maintain eye contact with the other person (instead of staring at yourself). Make sure you have water with a straw so there’s no chance of spilling / making slurping noises. Good luck!

   4. If you’re going to use your laptop to Skype, put a couple of books underneath it to raise your screen/cam to eye level, so you’re not hunched over. I like to move my pic to the top-middle of the screen (where my cam is), so that even if you end up looking at yourself, the other person can’t tell (ha!). Also a bit of makeup helps you look less tired/washed out. Make sure you have good lighting too. Good luck!

      1. I’d even go so far as to have the camera just a little above eye-level. We all look a bit better from just a bit above. And make-up is kind of critical – but there’s probably not a TON you can do about looking a little wonky (its web-cam after all.)

   5. Regarding “dressing well”: make sure you can see the end of your neckline in the screen shot. It’s distracting to wonder where that V-neck ends… when in reality it may be juuuust outside the camera view.

      I put the view of my own face right under the camera so that if I am compelled to look at it, it’s not a far distance for the eye to travel.

      Take a second at the start of the interview to confirm that they can in fact see and hear you adequately.

      Mark your user as private or hidden once the interview starts so that no one else can interrupt your call!

      Good luck!

   6. Remember the delay, so it’s hard to do back and forth verbally but you can do it non-verbally (i.e. head nodding).

      Good luck.

3. Hello all. I know that a lot of people have written for pet advice, so here’s mine. Sorry for the immediate and overly long threadjack. We have a seven year old dog who’s always been a bit troubled. I don’t think that we’re terrible owners; we had the same breed several years ago who was absolutely wonderful, but this one has just always been a challenge. He’s a large breed to start, and somehow just kept right on growing to be massive for his type. (Without being fat, he’s about 100 lbs, on a breed that is usually around 60.) Ever since he was a pup, he’s been weirdly anxious, territorial, and aggressive. He would guard his food like crazy or growl at you if he thought that he was going to be moved out of his spot or if you picked up things off the floor near him. Although it’s been a few years, the growling has gone to biting (that’s drawn blood) a few times, including one that led to a scar on my husband’s wrist. We’ve worked with him a lot, and mostly learned how to avoid escalating things, but the aggression is still there. Weirdly, he can turn around and be completely submissive on occasion as well.

   We have a 10 month old baby now, who’s crawling like crazy and cruising. We were initially really worried about how dog would react to baby, but he was actually really great for the first 6 months or so. Expressed a little curiosity, but mostly left him alone. However, since baby has started to get more mobile, dog has gotten more and more interested. He’s not shown the slightest sign of aggression towards baby, but he gets weirdly protective or possessive of him. It doesn’t bother him for my husband or me to be with baby, but if someone else is over, he constantly tries to get between that person and baby, and has started growling if the person moves towards baby in the wrong way. Of course, we are very careful to block his access, but he is constantly trying to get where baby is, and, of course, baby really wants to get at dog, too. Like I said, he’s been really good towards baby; on the rare occasions that baby’s managed to grab a bit of fur or a tail, he’s not shown the slightest bit of concern, but I’m still quite worried, particularly about what will happen when baby starts walking and we can’t be right on top of him every second. Even now, if we want to let baby explore, we pretty much have to find a way to block out dog (who will work hard to push through most barriers or bark for literally hours if closed up). We don’t have a fence or place to tie him up outside.

   Dog is older (bigger dogs tend to age faster), and he’s definitely shown signs of age. In recent years, he’s suffered from some arthritis and a partial ACL tear, and can’t jump or run or even take walks of any distance. He’s also suffered a skin condition that goes away with antibiotics but comes right back (we’ve tried many rounds) and smells pretty bad. So, I’m not actually sure how much longer we could expect him to be with us. But, with the increasing attention that he’s been showing to the baby and baby’s increasing mobility, he’s becoming more and more of a problem. Like I said, he’s not shown any signs of trouble towards baby, but there’s certainly reason to worry that he could. And it is very difficult (and constraining to baby, who we want to have plenty of opportunities to explore) to keep trying to block dog off and keep him away. Once baby starts walking, it will get even harder.

   So, we’re contemplating getting rid of him. But that idea makes me feel awful. Husband and I have both always considered ourselves dog-lovers. Given his behavior, age, and health, I cannot imagine anyone being willing to take him (there are no no-kill shelters in our area), and I don’t even think that I could, in good conscious, ask someone to, as I would think that anyone who would be able and willing would do more good to put their resources towards a more rescuable dog. (So I’d be very hesitant to contact rescue groups or similar.) The idea of just taking him to be euthanized sounds awful, and if we took him to a shelter or pound, that’s surely what they would do. Looking at everything, I do think that that is the best move, but, at the same time, I feel a responsibility towards this dog, and letting him go would seem to be completely against that responsibility. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Are there other options I haven’t considered? How do I even manage the logistics (like, just call the vet and say hey, I want to put down my dog? Drop him off at the shelter? – Now I sort of get why people just drop them off in the woods sometimes – not that that’s in any way OK or we would actually consider that). Is it horrible to put down a non-terminal but very challenging and potentially dangerous dog?

   1. It sounds like maybe you should consult with a dog behaviorist. But no, it doesn’t sound like the dog is a concern as per the baby. The concern is that he’s going to bite someone who’s near the baby, which is also a serious problem.

      1. +1. Don’t feel guilty!

      2. Well, there’s also the concern that he could hurt the baby in an attempt to get at someone near the baby. Or that he could change his mind about not wanting to go after the baby for whatever reason.

         He’s been through training before, and I honestly don’t think that we’re going to be OK with spending more money and time hiring a professional given the 1) age and health, 2) deeply ingrained behavior that prior training hasn’t fixed, and 3) risk to the baby and others. It just doesn’t seem likely enough to help.

         1. It sounds like an initial consultation with a dog behaviorist would be really helpful though, just to understand your options. That way, you can get a professional recommendation about *your* dog and *your* home and *your* baby. They may be able to help you estimate exactly how much money is (potentially) involved, too.

         2. I third the recommendation to have a consultation with a behaviorist about his resource guarding and see if there are any options. But, I also commend you for realizing that there are no magical farms that take old dogs with health and behavioral problems. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to make the choice, but if it were my dog and we had no further options, I think the most loving thing is to put him down yourselves rather than give him a shelter death sentence.

         3. 4th the behaviorist. We have a problem dog, and a baby. Our dog has been through LOTS of training; the behaviorist is completely different. I’m actually a little surprised you didn’t consult a behaviorist after the time your dog bit your husband.

            Have you spoken to the vet in the past about your behavioral issues/concerns? Does the vet have an opinion or recommendations?

            I think you’re going to hear what you don’t want to hear, which is if I were in your shoes, I’d get rid of the dog. Talk to your vet, talk to a few shelters/rescue groups. Talk to folks at local dog daycares and/or local dog parks- maybe they know someone that would be interested in a dog like yours.

            As an owner of an incredibly difficult dog, I live with work-arounds. Dog spends a lot of time outside (in our large, fenced yard) so baby can explore. Dog is NEVER left unsupervised anywhere around the baby (even though he’s not aggressive toward her–he has a crazy prey drive and you JUST NEVER KNOW). Baby is not allowed anywhere around the dog’s toys or crate (he’s had issues guarding super high value items–not toys or his crate–but you JUST NEVER KNOW). We have tall baby gates permanently installed to keep baby and dog in separate areas of the house unless we purposefully bring them together. Baby is in daycare during the day, so when I work from home dog gets to spend time with me 1:1.

            We also have two “worst case scenario” options– if we HAD to get rid of the dog (who is 5 and healthy), our dog walker and my dad’s girlfriend are both more than willing to take him (dog walker may love our dog more than his own family members…). It sounds like you don’t have these options, but you never know. Do you have family that might be willing to take the dog? Have you started to ask around? You may also find that some of the protective/territorial issues go away with a new owner and new environment. For example, our dog doesn’t do well with strangers coming into our home, but is 100% fine with strangers on neutral turf. And when we moved houses, his territorial issues decreased by about 75% (sort of a “reprogram” with the move on what was “his”)

            1. FWIW a one-time 3 hour consult with 3 months of phone/online follow up (eg call with questions) with a behaviorist in the Boston area was $300. We felt it was very worthwhile as we’d spent money on trainters (@ $100/hr) before with limited results.

               Her other package included in person follow-up and was $500. Just so you have a ballpark idea of what this sort of thing may cost. This is not meant to be obnoxious, but just another consideration– $300 is less than the cost of a vet visit to euthanize a dog.

         4. If you’re actually considering putting down a dog who could easily live a few more happy years because he has become a challenge to you now that you had a child, I would hope you reconsider checking in with a dog behavior specialist to see what your other options are first. I understand that having a baby changes all your priorities but it doesn’t have to mean putting down a dog you took in. And I don’t think that because the dog has arthritis and a torn ACL that means he is sick but just “not terminal” — most animals will have arthritis and related problems for years at the end of their lives. It’s hardly a justification to put him down. And, btw, I don’t know too many vets who would put down a mostly healthy animal either. I’m sorry if this comes across as harsh but I just think you owe it to this animal to explore your options beyond deciding between a kill shelter and putting him down at the vet.

            1. +1. The dog didn’t choose your family, you chose him and therefor it is your responsibility to take care of him. Not just euthanize him because you CHOSE to have a child. Can you look into any breed-specific rescue groups? You may have to travel 5 hours to get him to one, but to me that’s preferable than just giving up and euthanizing a dog. He can then be places in a home that is child free and experienced with his particular issues.

            2. +1

               Also, next time, think about the behavior of the dog or puppy you want to adopt, rather than just going on breed.

               “Pure-bred” dogs can also be incredibly IN-BRED. Breeders breed primarily for AKC specified looks, with behavior taking a back seat if it’s even considered. Knowing the breed is not enough. A friend went through the same thing with a Great Dane. The first one she had was perfectly fine. The second one was batsh!t crazy and she refused to see that because she kept saying she was already familiar with the breed. It didn’t end well.

            3. +1. And can’t you at least look into giving the dog away before you go ahead and euthanize him? Maybe a family member or friend would take him. I’m sorry if this sounds super harsh, but this dog is a member of your family — I just can’t imagine going straight to euthanize as an option before exploring each and every other option.

            4. I didn’t say that he was sick enough to justify putting him down, just that these were concerns. AIMS, I’m sure that you didn’t mean it, but that came across as an attack. The reason that I wrote this was to explore options.

               This is a major concern because of the baby, but the problems were very prevalent before the baby. Anyone who took this dog would be taking a risk, children or not.

            5. @Dog Lover:

               I understand you are in a tough spot, and I appreciate you giving me the benefit of the doubt because I really didn’t mean anything I said to be an attack. I tried to say as much in the post. What I was specifically responding to is your second comment — not the first — where you say, “I honestly don’t think that we’re going to be OK with spending more money and time hiring a professional ….” And my comment was in response to that. It’s your dog and your life, but I really don’t see how you can honestly say you came here to explore options if you are discounting the main option that doesn’t involve putting your pet to sleep. And, again, I am sorry if that comes across as harsh, but putting your dog to sleep when he may not need it is harsh, too. Please don’t write off the trainer idea without at least exploring it further.

            6. Has this place become so sensitive that any kind of criticism is perceived as “an attack?”

               I thought we went over this before. Internet strangers won’t always tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes, internet strangers tell you what your friends and family think but are afraid to say to your face. You decide whether to take the advice on board or not.

            7. +1 to AIMS.

               And honestly, it’s a little disturbing that you’ve been aware of this for a long time (“the problems were very prevalent before the baby”), and chose not to do anything about it until now. Maybe the dog would’ve had a better shot at rehabilitation, adoption, or other options three or four years ago.

            8. Again, what AIMS said – especially @ 12:55PM. Your posts sound like you are looking for the crowd to agree that putting your pup down is your only option. I have a baby, and I would choose him every time over my dog, but there really are a lot of options to explore (it’s a specific breed, so contact a no-kill rescue in a neighboring location to see whether someone in your area could serve as a foster – I know your situation isn’t ideal for this guy, but that doesn’t mean someone else won’t have the resources to take him in).

               It does bear repeating – please, please, please don’t drop the pup off at a kill shelter or, even though mentioned as a joke, in the woods. I think you owe him more than that.

      3. Yay! I love this dress, and this is the first time I can NOT buy it b/c they onley have size 4 and up. Who knew that my tuchus would be to small for these sizes!

         As for the OP, who knew that dog’s can be so compleicated. I agree with the other poster’s that you should seek out professional pet help. They probably know alot more about it then we do. Fred left a message and I have to call him back. I will see if he know’s anything about this b/c he run’s a PET SUPPLY store. He was telling me the other day that dog’s can get very sick if they eat some kind of chewey treat’s that he had imported from China, so he stopped selling those treat’s. He also said that he had paid over $600 for boxes of those chewey treat’s and that he was trying to get his money back from the import/export guy (who was Chinese). When he told him he wanted to return the treat’s, the import/export guy said NO. NO RETURNS! Now Fred is out alot of money, and he will probabely have to throw those chewey treat’s out b/c they are NOT good for dog’s. Who knew!

         The manageing partner is goeing to meet with the judge for lunch this week and he want’s me to come with him. That is fine, but I am afraid he will bring up his deli releative, and we did not realy hit it off. Beside’s, I am a Manhattan girl at heart, and I am having more then a littel concern about Fred, now that I am thinkeing about it, being up in Purdey’s. FOOEY!

      4. Have you tried medication? I don’t know your dog, but some of what you describe sounds like fear biting and anxiety. It’s tough. But I can’t imagine living in fear of your dog on a daily basis.

         Maybe call the Dog Whisperer?

         1. Have you tried medication? I don’t know your dog, but some of what you describe sounds like fear biting and anxiety. It’s tough. But I can’t imagine living in fear of your dog on a daily basis.

            Maybe call the Dog Whisperer?

            Oh, and is your dog neutered? Sometimes neutering can help curb aggression.

   2. Quick summary – you aren’t the only one to have this issue. For now, get a muzzle.

      My mom dealt with a similar situation (her recent rescue dog got extremely anxious when anyone moved quickly towards the young grandchildren, and even bit one of my brothers – never showed any aggression towards the kids themselves, it was clearly a protective instinct taken way too far).

      Long-term solution has been lots of training/behavior work.

      Short-term solution (and still employed when there is a lot going on in the house and the dog can’t be watched as carefully) – a muzzle. When the dog and the kids were in the same room, dog wore muzzle. He wasn’t the biggest fan of it (spent the first 5 minutes trying to get it off, ever time), but he accepted it (and the copious belly rubs) and everyone could breath easier.

      1. I agree with Anon above. It’s definitely frightening to have a dog with issues-we had a dog that was very aggressive towards other dogs and we were constantly afraid he’d injure a neighbor’s pet, but there are ways of dealing with the situation short of putting the dog down. I’d consult with your vet and think of management strategies. Do you have a crate? Our dog is crated frequently when necessary, but he has very fluffy bed in there and it’s his time to chill out and relax. I understand and appreciate your concern (my neighbors gave away their dog when their son was quite young due to similar concerns), but my approach was that the dog was a family member too and I didn’t want to take that step until I was sure we had tried all options. As it turned out, the dog aggressive dog we had developed a neurological condition and passed away around the same age (7) but I was glad we provided him with a comfortable home until the end. But only and your husband you can know what’s best for you and your family.

   3. This is an incredibly tough situation, and it sounds like there is a strong potential for something bad to happen, especially once the baby gets more mobile or other children come to visit. I don’t know what to suggest overall, but I’d definitely try to keep the dog’s food in an area the baby can’t access. That sounds like one of the issues most likely to cause problems, so if you’re very careful about that, it might buy you some time. And keep an eye out for anyone who likes dogs and doesn’t have kids who might be able to provide a good home. It sounds like it might only be a matter of a few more years, and that seems much better than putting him down.

   4. Going anon for my answer, but we had a dog that was just a little aggressive from the day we got it. He was a golden, which, as it’s becoming more inbred, the breed as a whole is getting more and more aggressive (I have another now, and I will continue to get goldens, but I will be much better about warning signs). Anyway, after a couple of years of adjusting our family behaviors to his moods and aggression, he bit me on the face. It took 35 stitches to sew my lips back together, including the muscles. But he was my dog, so I wouldn’t let my parents put him down. He ended up living another 5 years and just got more aggressive. After he finally died due to cancer, my parents got another dog, I got another dog, and my sister got another dog. Any time we’re all together with our dogs, we talk about how nice it is to have dogs we don’t have to worry about any more and we all aren’t constantly on edge worried about a dog fight or any other aggression. I guess my point is, I understand. We couldn’t put ours down even after a pretty terrible attack, but our quality of life improved soooo much after he was gone, so I wouldn’t blame you if you ended up making the hard call.

   5. I would also think about how this could have an impact on your kid’s friends. Once my kids got a little mobile, we used to have friends come over with their similarly aged kids. The fact that the dog isn’t aggressive with your kid doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be aggressive with other kids. Definitely think it’s good to address this now!

      1. Oh this is a good point. I’m anon @ 956am. The only time the dog ever got aggressive towards the children was when one child was chasing another (see: normal child behavior) and again, it was totally a protective thing. But not worth risking injury, hence children plus dog = muzzle.

         And in case you are thinking that a muzzle sounds terrible – it actually wasn’t what I was expecting (I was imaging steel cage). It was like a nylon “sleeve” that went over his snout. He could still eat a treat and drink water – just couldn’t bite. He was perfectly okay.

   6. No matter what you decide to do, do not feel guilty about your choice. It’s about what’s best for you and your family and it’s not even an issue of convenience or something like that – you have a potential safety issue on your hands. I don’t have experience with special training or muzzling or anything like that, but any choice that doesn’t involve cruelty (such as tying the dog up for 24 hours a day or sending him to a home you don’t think is safe), even if that choice is putting him down, seems like it should be on the list of options. It’s such a hard thing to do, though, and it may be easier emotionally to exhaust all other potential training options first.

      1. I absolutely agree with this. I could have almost written your story, having had a problematic dog that we loved. Before we had kids, I was that person that would say “I would never put a dog down for biting because it’s the owner’s fault if that happens!” And then my dog bit my then-15-month old son in the face. And watching them stitch him together while he was screaming and writhing against his straight jacket was one of the worst moments of my life. You don’t want that guilt every time you see the scar on your baby’s face. And it was an easy choice to then put our dog down.

         Long story short, once the baby is walking, you can’t conceivably keep an eye on both of them at all times. Our son was just in the same room (accidentally) with the dog when he snapped. And what happens when friends and family start coming over? Or if you have a second child? I can tell you from experience, don’t feel guilty for whatever choice is best for your family. Life is SO much easier without having to constantly worry about a ticking time bomb of a dog.

         1. And on a coldly practical level, you already know your dog bites. If, God forbid, something were to happen and he attacked someone, you could be open to civil and criminal consequences. And your home owner’s insurance may not cover any injuries to a third party. And Child Protective Services may investigate. We also learned all this from our experience.

            1. +1000 to JJ. My hazy memory of the bar section on torts includes the nugget that (at least in NY) if your dog bites, first time the standard for assessing liability is whether or not the owner was negligent. Second bite there is a strict liability standard, which is to say that you are liable, full stop. Collateral consequences (like no insurance coverage and CPS) are sure to follow.

               As others have noted, there are going to be strong disagreements, but if I were you I’d give up the dog, and soon. Better to take precaution than chance it.

         2. Yep, agree. Before I had kids, I would have declared the OP to be the worst person ever– I was a childless dog owner and totally believed that he was like my kid. Now that I have kids, I feel differently. You have to do what’s necessary to protect your child, regardless of what’s best for the dog. You need to do what you can for him– try a behaviorist, talk to a rescue group. But in the end, do what you need to do.

            1. Keep prioritizing your baby’s safety–that is absolutely the right thing to do. You are being a compassionate and responsible parent and dog owner by realizing that the dog’s current state imperils the safety of your family, and that it must change. You seem to have a clear-eyed view of the options, and as the person in charge, you’ve got to give weight to what’s most important. The dog has already bitten you two! You have given him good care and compassion, as he deserves. But he is not a human, and humans take priority.

      2. I disagree. Getting a dog is a lifetime commitment. A dog owner has the responsibility to take care of the dog or find someone who can.

         1. But that’s the point- what if you can’t find a home for the dog? Is she just supposed to keep it and hope it doesn’t bite someone (again)? Maybe we’ll have to agree to disagree, but in that case I would choose human safety over the dog.

            1. At this point, OP has said she is “very hesitant” to even contact rescue groups who could help her. I agree that she needs to protect her child at all costs, but I think she owes far more to the dog than simply killing him without exploring other extremely reasonable options. Even the vet may have some local leads on people willing to foster the dog while she explores other options.

   7. I think you should talk to rescue groups! Your dog isn’t evil, he just isn’t working out for your family. He could be great for someone with grown children, a large yard, and plenty of time to spend on him. I think you owe it to him to really explore these options. Be open and honest with the rescue group about the issues and see what they say. Deciding to kill a dog because you don’t think it’s worth someone else’s time to even consider taking him in is wrong. Selfish and wrong.

      1. A 7 year old dog with chronic skin issues, increasingly limited mobility, a bite history, and fairly significant behavioral issues is going to be a challenging placement for a rescue group. Particularly since these behavioral issues existed in an adult only household. It is possible, although arguably unlikely, that there will be a group that would take him in as a “forever foster” Most groups have a hard enough time placing senior dogs with health problems and don’t want to take on the liability of behavioral issues.

         1. Didn’t say it would work. But the op indicated she didn’t even want to talk to a rescue group because her dog doesn’t seem worth rescuing. And she doesn’t want to pay for a behavioralist because she doesn’t think that will work either. And I think that is selfish and wrong and she should feel guilty if she kills her dog without even trying those two reasonable suggestions. If it doesn’t work out, at least she’s done everything she could.

      2. I highly disagree that that’s selfish and wrong. While the OP may want to ask others about taking the dog or look into shelters or whatever options are available, it is often very hard to find a home for a “problem” dog (for lack of a better phrase). It will be even harder if the dog has any more instances of aggression because the OP will have to be (and should be) honest about the dog’s behavior. It would be wrong to ignore the problem or leave the family (or strangers) in harm’s way just for the sake of a potentially endless search for a new home where the dog will only have some remaining years. There’s also no way of knowing for SURE if the new home will be better for the dog or if the new owners will really be able to hande the responsibility.

         I’m a dog lover and I hate people who abuse animals in ANY way with a passion. That clearly isn’t what’s happening in this case.

         1. Just because it will be hard to find a new home for the dog doesn’t mean she shouldn’t try.

            1. Ditto Ditto Ditto. You owe it to the dog to TRY and not just write him off.
               Maybe I’m PMSing but this makes me sad big time and I feel like crying. Sad for OP, the dog, and the whole situation. I wish I could adopt the dog but I live in NYC in a small apartment with an older fraidy cat dog who is scared of other dogs.

         2. My concern about finding a new home isn’t about it being hard – it’s more about not wanting people who can do good but have limited resources to take on this responsibility instead of others. There are always more dogs than there are homes – is it fair to the next dog in line to push a rescue group to spend their resources on this one?

            1. The point of rescue groups is to keep healthy dogs from being killed. Is it fair to your dog to give up on him without even trying?

            2. IMO, that’s not your call to make. Some people want to work with “problem” dogs b/c they do not want those dogs killed, when it’s possible that some rehabilitation will help the dog. If it were me, I’d want to invest the time talking to different organizations – and being incredibly up front about the issues – and find out whether someone has the room and the resources to help a pup, who – from your descriptions – doesn’t sound like a hopeless cause. Or, at least, you haven’t explored all your options. You haven’t worked with a behaviorist, and regular exercise may help as well (some people have the resources to take a pup to a pool – I don’t, you may not, but others might).

            3. Agree with those who say at least give a rescue a try. Rescue groups are dedicated to saving problem dogs. My sister had two wirehaired fox terriers. One developed neurological problems and the other was just too aggressive towards the one who was becoming more disabled to keep him. I urged her to try a rescue. She instead found a home which did not work out but eventually did contact a rescue group. The dog “Sundance” wound up being fostered by a well off lady with a home in Aspen and in Florida, or so. California (I forget the details). She adopted Sundance and flew him around in her private jet. Her business involved interior decorating/designing of airplanes. We always laughed about how Sundance got the better end of that deal.

         3. OP: this is one of those situations where people strongly disagree about what you should do. There are a number of dog lovers out there who will tell you, in no uncertain terms, that once you commit yourself to owning and caring for a dog, you must see that through for the dog’s entire lifetime. They will tell you that no matter what behavior your dog exhibits, you can work with someone to train the dog to behave better, or just adjust your lifestyle to accommodate the personality of the dog. Those people feel very strongly about that opinion, and are going to be angry and upset to hear that you may not have the energy/money/or simply care enough to want to go the extra mile for a dog.

            On the other side, there are a lot of people out there who have been in your position, and have either taken a dog to a shelter or put it down. They’re not evil people, and you shouldn’t destroy yourself with guilt if this is what you end up doing. Having a pet is really hard, and just isn’t for everyone, especially when the pet is very difficult. You don’t always know that going in, especially when you have significant lifestyle changes halfway through pet ownership. A pet is not a human child. The same rules about caring for your children and family do not apply to dogs. They just don’t.

            I was in your position at one point — I adopted a dog from a no-kill shelter based on the assurances of the shelter owner that the dog was going to work well with my lifestyle (I was completely honest about the time and space I had, and said I needed a low-energy dog). After a week I knew that it just wasn’t going to work. The dog turned out to be an extremely high-energy breed and was very destructive in my small apartment. The turning point was when I took it for a walk and it attacked a small dog in the park and almost literally bit its head off. I ended up shelling out $800 in vet bills for the other person’s dog, and was completely freaked out about my dog’s violent behavior. I took the dog back to the no-kill shelter and just said that I couldn’t do it. I felt horrible, but it was just too much to handle. I haven’t looked back since, and am so happy that I haven’t disrupted my life considerably to handle a dog that I didn’t like or want.

            But, the shelter was no-kill, so I knew that the dog wasn’t going to be put down. I think I’d have a lot more guilt if I knew that the dog was going to be euthanized. If I were you, I’d spend a month looking into no-kill shelters in your area, foster homes, or even people on craigslist who may be wanting a dog. Shelters usually charge a rehoming fee, so if you can do the research on a potential new owner yourself, and make sure that they are serious about taking care of your dog, you may find someone who’s ecstatic to take your dog for free.

            1. no kill shelters still kill dogs. They are no kill because they pledge not to euthanize “adoptable” dogs. If the case of your dog – or the OP’s dog- which has known aggression issues, that dog would not be considered adoptable and would be euthanized (at least at the no-kill shelter I worked at where we euthanized about 40% of all dogs we received).

               There are just too many dogs need homes and its way too big a liability for the shelters to adopt out dogs with known aggression issues. So if you do decide to euthanize, OP, at least be responsible and give you pet the dignity of a death surrounded by people he knows rather than absolutely scared and traumatized in a place with all new surroundings – because at least in my state, your dog would not be considered adoptable.

            2. I did not realize this. Wow.

            3. yeah – it just makes sense. I mean, shelters have very (very) limited resources and people just dump an incredible number of dogs. They have to spend the resources on housing, vetting, and promoting adoption of the very best dogs – no one is going to adopt a dog that has bitten a human or another dog, period. Imagine if someone adopted the OP’s dog – and that dog bit someone who then sued the shelter. I mean, they just can’t do that. So “No-Kill” is never no-kill in the sense that people think.

               Dogs that are considered “non-adoptable” are dogs with expensive illness (in my Southern shelter, even heart worms which virtually every stray has could qualify based on resources and how full we were), dogs with known aggression issues, and dogs of certain breeds that we already had too many off in our shelter (like pitbulls). Dogs are triaged, held for 3 days, and they declared either “adoptable” or “non-adoptable”. Non-adoptable dogs are euthanized.

               As someone who was involved in this kind of work, it sickens me to see how scared animals are when euthanized in the shelter. Imagine being in a place surrounded by non-familiar smells, non-familiar people, lots of noise, confusion, weird food, maybe outdoor conditions for three days and then euthanized (often with other dogs that you can smell who were euthanized just before you in the same spot). There wasn’t a single day that I volunteered there that it didn’t get to me- even though I understood that we couldn’t do anything about it. They are just dogs that other humans have “messed up” by not training/disciplining/allowing bad behavior to escalate to the point the dog gets aggressive – and they suffer on account of that. The dog does not understand that it has messed up by being aggressive – it doesn’t understand that you don’t want it to do the behavior that got it in trouble because the person never told them. Its really horrible.

               And I’m not some vegan, animal-rights-loving, better to test deadly medicines on humans instead of bunnies type-of-person. I’m just a normal person who is involved in rescue work helping out the “adoptable” dogs so that at least they can stay off death row.

   8. Please, please consider 1) talking to a professional dog trainer or behaviorist, 2) talking to your vet about these concerns, 3) getting in touch with your friends who like dogs as well as local breed-specific or senior dog rescue organizations. Honestly, as a dog lover, I would not hesitate to take a friend’s dog under these circumstances. It doesn’t sound like your dog is doing much of anything wrong that can’t be fixed with some consistent training and positive reinforcement. As your child gets older, the dog will likely calm down. I think the best thing to do would be to take the time to find the dog a loving home.

      1. Agreed! If one of my friends told me your story, I would immediately offer to take the dog in. My husband might be mad at me for not consulting with him, but he would just have to deal. :)

      2. “It doesn’t sound like your dog is doing much of anything wrong that can’t be fixed with some consistent training and positive reinforcement.”

         We’ve been through training and positive reinforcement and all of that, before the baby. Would you really be OK with taking an aggressive dog that has been known to bite adults in – this wouldn’t concern you a bit for your own safety?

         1. I think you just have to resign yourself to the fact that there are tons of hard core animal lovers/activists/whatever who think you should never get rid of any dog, for any reason, let alone some new baby that you went out and had. They are entitled to their opinion, and you are empowered to do whatever you feel necessary to protect your child.

         2. I wouldn’t. But I know people who would and do and love it and consider it their calling in life to take in dogs like this. It sounds like you’re trying to justify getting rid of the dog by arguing it isn’t just you, no one could keep this dog. I don’t see how you justifiably conclude that without calling a rescue group.

         3. I’m a dog owner and mother of a nine month old baby. You have described my worst nightmare.

            That said, I would call a breed specific rescue group in your area just to see. Your dog might work fine in a family without kids where the environment is a little less hectic. I’ve seen lots of listings for my breed’s rescue group where it is an older dog that doesn’t do well with kids. The challenge is going to be the bite to your husband because in many state, one bit puts an owner on notice that the dog is “violent”.

            My daughter’s life is always going to trump the dog and I do think you have your priorities in order. The dog has already bitten a family member. I just think it is worth at least a phone call before you put the dog down.

         4. A lot of people also don’t have or want kids. A lot of people – even though they work with trainers – really aren’t intuitive trainers and don’t have the means/understanding to do the real follow-through to actually permanently change the behavior. Many bad behaviors can be trained out, if the dog is put in the right conditions. I don’t mean this cruelly, but I’m not sure if yours is the best environment, considering your willingness to put the dog down before exploring re-homing options.

            It’s not a criticism, as I know I’m also not the right person to train a dog with a bad temperament, but damn, I can acknowledge I’m not the right person and would take the time to explore other options before killing it or giving it a sad stint in a kennel followed by a pretty certain death.

   9. I don’t really get the natural extension of what some of the responders are saying. Let’s say that the OP does a good faith training program, behaviorial modification class, search for a new owner, etc. What if none of those efforts produce any resolution? If people believe that the responsibilities of pet ownership mean that you have to take care of a dog until the end of its natural life, how can you reconcile that with the desire to not have anyone attacked by the dog? Either choice is hard, but I don’t believe that putting down an animal (in a humane and presumably loving way) is inherently cruel. I think that in this situation, it’s cruel to suggest to the OP that she’s a monster for considering an option that might prevent severe bodily harm or even death (as there have been many cases where children have been fatally injured by pets).
      If it were me, I would consider all other reasonable options first, but if they didn’t work and there were still signs of a problem, I would not let anybody guilt me into keeping the dog against my better judgment.

      1. +1

         I would also reiterate what other have said — please look into hiring a behaviorist, and rescue groups, etc. However, if you are unable to find a suitable, non-cruel transition, I think you should take on the obligation to put the dog down yourself. Give the pup a good last (only?) steak dinner, and be with him in the end — as a member of your family, you owe him that.

      2. I’ve posted above about what I believe her obligations to the dog are, and I’m a little surprised at her unwillingness to explore other options (won’t call rescue groups, won’t talk to the vet, hasn’t used a behaviorist, etc.) before considering killing the dog. I agree that a steak, and staying with him in the end is a far better option than abandoning at a kill shelter – and would do that to protect my child, if necessary, but I personally would be burning rubber trying to exhaust all other options before taking that route.

      3. Sometimes, dogs need to be euthanized. I would just encourage the OP to take responsibility for the “dirty-work” and make that very hard decision on her own, versus outsourcing the dirty work and that decision to strangers who are then forced to use their limited resources (which could be put to better use helping dogs) (and our tax dollars) to do her dirty work for her.

      4. I just want to stress again that we have gone through training (not a “behaviorist”, but trainers) and we have talked to the vet about his aggression many times. This is not a situation where we just dropped the dog into a home with a kid and got mad because it didn’t work out right away – we’ve been dealing with the problem for seven years, but it’s the added risk now of the active baby that brings it to a head.

         1. My final addition to this discussion is that we did everything the same as you, except our dog had never bitten anyone and only exhibited dog-aggression and not people aggression. The day he bit my son (Mother’s Day…sigh), was just a week after I had tried contacting several behaviorists as a last resort.

            After the bite, no rescue group in my area would take him because they couldn’t adopt out an old, aggressive, arthritic, hypoglycemic dog. So, after the mandatory 10 day quarantine at the vet, we came to the office and held the dog as he was euthanized. While I was sad that my relationship with my dog, that I had rescued in college, ended this way, I recognized that 1) safety first; 2) we couldn’t chance the liability; 3) there were no other feasible options; and 4) we had given the dog 10 years of love and a happy home. I know we made the right choice because have never once regretted it (I regret not rehoming the dog sooner instead of trying to keep training him after 10 years of effort and a childless home).

            You do what’s right for your family. Good luck.

   10. I don’t have a solution, but my heart goes out to you. I wouldn’t want to have to choose between the safety of my child and the care of my fur family member.

       1. I am not a dog lover, so maybe I just don’t get it. But a child in my family was bitten by a dog where there were warning signs, and let me just say, that guilt is far worse than anything you’ll feel getting rid of this dog. Reading your original post just gave me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yes, if you can figure out a better alternative, try it. But if your gut tells you that you need to get rid of the dog, please do it.

          1. I am a dog lover, and I would not hesitate to put down a dog that has already bitten one human. It would be hard, and of course I would try to find a new home first, but I would do it. 4.5 million people a year in the US are bitten by dogs, and half are children, according to the CDC. Anecdotally speaking, in my relatively small circle of friends/acquaintances, I know three people who (as children) were bitten in the face by dogs. Biting is just unacceptable, and human safety always comes first for me.

             1. Agreed. These comments about options are strange– first, she should call all the rescue places. But then they say the rescue places won’t take the dog because it bit someone and the no kill shelters are going to kill it anyway because it’s not adoptable. So she should keep the dog and just seek help from a behaviorist and a vet, plus put it in a crate and watch him like a hawk, until he dies of natural causes in a few years. Maybe bubble wrap the baby. Because lifetime commitment. This is an unacceptable risk to her child. I just don’t think anyone who doesn’t have kids is going to get this– certainly not the animal rights crowd.

   11. What about an animal sanctuary like Best Friends Animal Sanctuary? That one is in Kanab, UT. What I don’t know is whether they limit admission/acceptance to older animals.

4. Shopping TJ – I am on the hunt for a white or winter white blazer and cannot seem to find one. I think I would like a single or double button with a narrow lapel, but I am open to other recommendations. I am hoping to throw it on over dresses.

   1. Are you looking for a wool blazer specifically? There are a number of cotton/linen ones on sale right now, but a white wool blazer is harder to find.

      Here’s one from ASOS: http://bit.ly/1b99blz

      And a Vince Camuto one: http://bit.ly/19CUcC2

   2. Try Neiman Marcus – Elie Tahari Paige One-Button

   3. Talbots has an ivory one in its Italian flannel, if you’re not looking for pure white. I have two of their Italian flannel suits from a couple of years ago, and like them both a lot.

   4. Pendleton

5. Dear girl in spin class: If you are going to do something completely and totally different from what the rest of class is doing (and what the instructor is telling us to do), including jumping in and out of your seat and flailing your hands, at least sit in the back. It’s just a little bit distracting when you sit in the center front row….

   Gr, don’t know why that made me so grumpy this morning, but it did!

   1. Totally feel you. I hate when people in exercise classes do their own thing and throw everyone else off. A woman in a class I go to just HAS to put her mat the other way (i.e., vertical instead of horizontal) to get better mirror access. She stands in the back but she takes up the wrong proportion of space and the people standing next to her are all thrown off.

      1. This happens to me a lot, too. I’ve also had the extreme fortune of being trapped in a class with a bunch of ‘”woo” girls… except they were like 40, which made it even weirder.

         1. Wooooooooooooo!

            1. That made me spit coffee on my monitor! :p

         2. Ew why are people that old even AT the gym?

            1. That clearly wasn’t what I was saying. A “woo girl” refers to someone very young and obnoxious. Hence why I thought it was weird someone older would be screaming “woo” every 5 seconds in a class. Chill.

               http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=woo-girl

            2. Yeah, I’m confused, too – doesn’t everyone go on Carrousel at the age of 30?

            3. Going “woo” is not exactly something that your generation invented, fyi.

            4. Thank you for the urban dictionary reference. It helps to have a youngster explain slang.

            5. You’re welcome.

            6. Orangerie: you should have just start RAWRing at them every time. we can start a new thing: the Rawr girl

               i’m so get off my lawn today

            7. I hope this was an attempt at humor.

   2. That is my biggest pet peeve! I hate it in step class when the instructor says not to follow and just watch and then people start following anyway. I think maybe it has to do with my need to be a rule follower and dislike of people who don’t [even when it doesn’t really matter].

   3. I feel you roses- that happened to me one spin class, the girl spent the entire hour out of her seat bouncing around with generally poor form. At one point she only had one foot in the pedal and was sort of hopping? It was weird. I spent the whole class making “wtf” eyes with my gym pal.

   4. I cannot even imagine noticing what other people are doing at the gym.

      1. This. I’m not sure how its so distracting. Worry about yourself and your own workout.

         1. Because it’s a group class and it’s distracting. Plus it’s weird when people at the gym act the fool. If you do strange things in public, people are going to notice.

         2. (Eyeroll) That can be easier said than done, especially if you’re newish to a certain class. If I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing at any given point, I look to my classmates for clues. In a small class, especially, having someone doing their own thing can really throw me off.

      2. Uh, a minimum amount of noticing other people at the gym is kind of necessary, and if you’re in a class and still not noticing anything about the other people, and indeed can’t even imagine doing so, there’s a good chance you’re one of the problematic people being described on this thread!!

         1. Oh yeah? Problematic people? Because one doesn’t follow the exercise instructor to a T? I’m pretty sure lots of people have various conditions that cause them to have to deviate from whatever the exact routine is. It doesn’t make them problematic. Just people trying to get a sweat in and do something good for themselves. Just ride your own spin bike or your yoga mat or whatever and stop taking nonsense so seriously. You could use that energy to improve your own workout.

            1. I hear you but I think she’s talking about a different thing. I’ve been in step classes (a long time ago, admittedly) where there is a person literally doing their own workout, say jumping jacks while everyone else is doing a step up/bicep curl, in the front of the class. Not someone who is a beat or two off, or who is skipping the crazy ass side plank pushup thing.

            2. Right. I’m not talking about modifying the workout to fit your fitness level/physivcal limitations. I’m talking about That Special Snowflake who has to do her own special thing while distracting a whole roomful of other people.

            3. How do you know when its one versus the other? Do you request a medical history? Ask them to identify limitations and/or modifications needed at the start of the class? or just relegate every one that is not going to follow the workout exactly to the back of the room? Just curious.

            4. Yes to the back of the room part, if your disorder causes you to do a completely different dance move/step routine.

            5. Anonymous, you’re just being cranky. There is such a thing as managing ones limitations so that they do not distract an entire class full of people who are trying to follow the, uh, class.

               Perhaps you should pedal your sadness away…

         2. My definition of problematic person is the guy who’s problem a germaphobe who comes into the weight room and sprays down each piece of equipment with lemon Lysol before he’ll use it. While I’m sympathetic to the fact that he’s germaphobic, the Lysol kills me (asthma) and then the floor is wet under every machine.

            1. I was at the gym yesterday morning and there was a woman on the treadmill who would sort of cough/yell, just once, approximately every 20 seconds. I had to move to another area.

            2. tourette’s?

            3. I feel like this is better than the very sweaty guy who drips all over the treadmills and does not wipe them down.

            4. My favorite: the heavy smoker who douses him/herself with cologne/perfume. Smoke + cologne/perfume + natural body odors produced from a hard workout=unpleasantness. I don’t have a great sense of smell but even I was suffering.

            5. The whistlers. The guy who sings but doesn’t believe you that yes, you can hear him clearly from the other end of the gym. The guy playing cards on his iPad while walking slowly who has a bell ringing sound every time his turn is up. The people who refuse to keep the weights in order. The guy who doesn’t believe that women should be allowed to work in when the menfolk are lifting. The guys who don’t believe that women should be allowed access to anything over 20 pounds. The guys who bang weights because they are just so cool. The woman making passive aggressive comments about another gymgoer who has her kid with her but gets upset when you point out that she needs to talk to the mother rather than making passive aggressive comments. I swear, I try to differentiate between what really is important and what isn’t, but I had to tell the last person to stop bothering me.

      3. You would definitely notice if you are looking at the instructor and there is someone in your line of vision doing something completely different… Especially since it’s not always easy to see what position the instructor is in from the back.

   5. Ugh, that annoys me too. This one girl sits right next to the instructor and even when it’s “slow down your legs for the climb,” she’s still spinning her legs as fast as she can — so distracting.

      1. I get the sense that spinning attracts, among many normal people, a handful of weirdo exercise freaks who are trying to fast pedal away every calorie they ever ate (and their sadness).

         1. Is it possible to pedal away one’s sadness?

            Hmm.

            Maybe I should look into spin classes…

            1. I know I go to the weight room to get the rage out…

6. Immediate TJ, from a life scientist transitioning into the financial sector. I will attend a number of networking events with representatives of big banks. The dresscode is business. I have
   – a medium-grey striped pants suit that looks great with a white bluse
   – a dark-grey blazer + skirt that I would probably wear with an emerald/dark violet shirt + simple necklace.

   Questions:
   1. Should I wear the darker skirt suit? I am a novice to the financial sector and not sure how conservative is conservative.
   2. Are jewel-toned shirts (not blouses) appropriate for business dress code when worn with the dark suit? Because I feel like a bit an undertaker with dark-grey suit + white blouse.
   3. Can I wear nice black leather boots with a low solid heel with the skirt suit + black opaque tights? Or are pumps more appropriate? It’s getting colder here in Switzerland, and I will have to travel to these events by train. My boots end abound 3-4 inches (about 8 cm) below my knee, and I wear them with skirts (usually corduroy) all the time at my current job, which I think looks nice.

   I would appreciate your opinion, I am a bit lost!

   1. I would wear the skirt suit. Jewel tone shirt definitely fine. I would wear pumps and not boots, unless it is actively snowing/raining/crappy weather.

      1. Cosign all of this. If you must wear the boots while commuting, I would strongly advise changing into your pumps before the event.

         1. That’s what I am planning, but I have to inquire whether they have some sort of wardrobe-facility where I could leave the boots. Imagine me carrying my nice bagpack around with my wet boots inside :D
            If this fils, I have some black opaque thermo-tights which would be just great.

   2. Switzerland + banking = extremely conservative dress code. I would stick to boring. sorry. European banks are known for being super=conservative in dress – much more than US banks.

      1. Thanks for that evaluation, it helps me a lot.

   3. I would like to know a bit more about how and why you decided to move from life sciences to finance.

      1. Well, I want to get out of academia. At a career fair, I met some people with a bio-background who are working as equity analysts (healthcare, biotech, pharma) in big banks. Since I love handling large amounts of data (did that all the time during my PhD), I think that job profile would fit me! I also took some basic classes in finance during my PhD, which strenghtened my motivation.
         I had a couple of telephone interviews and sent out some applications, and the general response was not bad at all. I am waiting for the face-to-face interview now, but got a lot of encouragement from people in the sector, so I am optimistic to find something soon.

         What’s your background, PolyD? Working in the field, considering a move?

         1. I’m now an administrator type at a major grant-giving institution. I, unfortunately, did not do a lot of handling of large amounts of data in my PhD, so I’m not as marketable in that regard.

            Honestly, I’m not really considering a career change now, but I always like to learn about what other people do with advanced life sciences degrees, if not for myself, then maybe to pass some ideas on to other people.

            Thanks for responding and break a leg on the interviews!

            1. Thanks, PolyD!
               It is true that many students in the life sciences (especially PhDs like me) do not know about these opportunities in finance, probably because everybody thinks of Big Pharma when they want to get out of academia. Had I not met this (female!) analyst a couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have known either. And had I known earlier about this option, I would have taken even more classes in finance/business, or even done an MBA.
               Ok, I admit many of my science peers despise excessive computer/data analysis work and would not choose such a career, but I think it is definitely a very interesting option.

   4. As a former life scientist now in banking, I would say go as conservative and discrete as possible. I was pretty shocked when I first started how little color there is in my coworkers clothing. I wore a royal blue sheath dress once and it was a pretty aggressive choice. Neither men nor women wear anything other than pale, muted colors and neutrals like black. Sure, once you are hired you can wear a jewel tone top. At a networking event I would wear 100% neutrals, or risk sticking out like a sore thumb. Wear the suit, the white top, pumps, and hose.

      1. Thanks so much for this advice!

      2. Are you in Switzerland or in North America?

         1. Im in New York, but work for a Swiss Bank. And I will agree with the poster above that Swiss banks will be even more conservative than US ones.

   5. You are going to need more conservative (darker) suits. Check other threads on this site for what to wear under them. I’d go for the white collared shirt now, but you will need a solid rotation of conservative tops for under suits.

      1. Thanks a lot, I am constantly checking the sales, because I am still on a PhD student’s budget, unfortunately. I should also get that job before buying 10 suits, of course ;)
         In Switzerland, I feel that suits are either shiny, fashionable and cheap-looking (think ZARA, Mango), or very nice and super-expensive (Boss). Esprit is somewhere in the middle – I got some great basics there.

7. I recently bought this dress from Boden.

   http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Womens-Dresses/Day/WH535/Womens-Alexa-Dress.html?NavGroupID=4

   I love the vibrant blue color and the Mad Men collar, but it’s very slightly too big. The size below would be way too small. The dress is 86% cotton, I’m assuming it will shrink if I run it in the wash? I usually dry clean my dresses but am wondering if washing it in the machine would shrink it to the right size (or if it would shrink it way too much). Thoughts?

   1. My experience has been that trying to shrink something to fit rarely works. It’s good for tightening up t-shirts that have temporarily been stretched out, but a whole dress? I wouldn’t risk it. And since the link says it’s machine washable, it may not shrink at all.

   2. Can you have it taken in a bit?

   3. I bought that dress and returned it because it was so boxy, which made it appear very big. I think that tailoring is a better be than trying to shrik the whole thing (it might get really short!)

   4. Don’t try to shrink it through washing – even if it works on the top layer, the lining is polyester and won’t shrink. If you need to make it fit better, take it to a tailor to have it fitted.

      Also – the instructions already say machine washable, so chance are you won’t get the shrinkage you are looking for anyway.

   5. I would take it to a tailor.

8. Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping? I’m in love with these but they’re probably a bit on the high side, especially to wear every day (will post the link in reply).

   I’m looking for a pair of booties I can wear with skirts and dresses in the fall/winter.

   1. http://www.michaelkors.com/p/MICHAEL-Michael-Kors-MICHAEL-Michael-Kors-York-Python-Embossed-Bootie-BOOTS-BOOTIES/prod21180021_cat18501_cat121_/?index=57&cmCat=cat000000cat121cat18501&isEditorial=false

   2. When you said “on the high side” I thought you meant price, but now I’m thinking you meant heel height?

      How about these? http://www.zappos.com/vince-camuto-elvin-black3?ef_id=JAtOiGFd4VgAAEPx:20131106152814:s

      I’m home sick today so up for whatever shopping that doesn’t involve my credit cards, although I admit that I ordered a Free People sweater that is finally affordable from Nordstrom. I ordered it full price and it was too big so I sent it back and didn’t re-order til it went on sale.

      1. Or these? More pointy toe: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/ivanka-trump-juno-boot/3474951?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=BLACK+LEATHER&resultback=8989&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-2_25_D

         I tried on some rather pointy toe Ivanka Trump mary janes (with a silver cap toe – really pretty!) but on my foot, the toe just looked clownish.

      2. NOLA, any great finds on the Nordies sale today? I never have time to look through the sales until they’re sold out in my size! (I’m particularly looking for comfy but sleek black heels – probably low heel height. I would be super appreciative if anyone found some options for me!)

         1. I hadn’t looked that much. I specifically went looking for that sweater. And it was marked off over $100!

            How about these? http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/ivanka-trump-indico-pump-exclusive-color/3616296?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=BLACK+PATENT&resultback=2642&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_8_B

            Not much of a markdown

            1. Love these shoes!

         2. These are patent but a nice shape: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/vc-signature-shelley-pump/3474326?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=BLACK+PATENT&resultback=1758&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-2_6_A

         3. These are a little higher but they’re Cole Haan Air so maybe comfortable? http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/cole-haan-air-chelsea-buckle-pump/3482549?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=BLACK&resultback=1842&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_6_A

         4. And these have a snake heel but I love them in the dark green! http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/joan-david-zevida-pump/3416245?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=BLACK+SUEDE&resultback=3468&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_10_C

            1. I love those! Unfortunately I need the heels for interviews, so I’ll keep looking for black heels (the Ivanka Trump shape is great but too shiny for my needs). But I might get the green David and Zelda ones!

               Also paging Godzilla! More nude-for-you Shoes!

            2. Yeah, there wasn’t much in a mid-heel. Mostly a lot higher than you’d want for that. What about the Cole Haan? Does the buckle make them too casual?

            3. Yeah, unfortunately. And I love Cole Haan’s Air Nike technology. I would live in their shoes if I could afford to just buy everything from them. Thanks for the help, though! I actually fell in love with Tahari Zoe in leather at DSW last week, but the heels were ripped up, and the sales associates were clearly more interested in getting me out of the store than selling me shoes. I’d forgotten until you posted the Ivanka Trump shoes that are basically the same shape.

            4. http://www.lordandtaylor.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/lord-and-taylor/zoe-leather-pointed-toe-pumps?gclid=CIKGoMPJ0LoCFVOf4Aod3GUAlw

            5. Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

      3. ooo I love these! I did mean heel height – for that price, I’m going to want to wear them every day and not sure that I’ll be able to wear 4.5 inches every day.

         sigh – so much for my shopping ban

         1. FWIW, my favorite black booties are Vince Camuto. Really comfortable. But they have chains up the back!

         2. I have Vince Camuto ones too. With the same styling at these Michael Kors ones. I wore them probably 3x a week last winter. With pant suits and occasionally with black tights and skirts. I found them to be very comfortable.

         3. But booties are like Super Necessary For Lyfe, so they don’t count for the shopping ban, right?????

            1. This is exactly why I love you ;)

               But I also want to indulge in the Sephora sale so I am now torn.

   3. The LK Bennet Bootie is awesome! http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/l-k-bennett-doris-bootie/3498265?origin=PredictiveSearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=2375500&fashionColor=&resultback=0&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-searchresults-_-1_1_D

9. Sorry for the downer TJ earlier in the day, I just need some place to vent: My mom is currently at a specialist undergoing some tests to determine whether her cancer has come back for a third time. It was made very clear after her last bout that if it came back again, she would be terminal and there would be nothing to do except make her comfortable. I lost my dad 11 years ago and this is just making me so anxious, I can’t focus on anything that I need to do. Ugh.

   1. *hugs* I cannot imagine what you are going through. My thoughts are with you

   2. hugs and rawrs

   3. I’m so sorry, and have been through this myself with my Dad. I very much hope you get good news, but if you don’t feel free to check back in here and I’ll try to look out for your post. I found that there was kind of a divide in talking through this experience with people who’d been there vs. those who hadn’t.

   4. Thinking of you and your mom today. Hoping for the best.

   5. All I have to offer are internet hugs and good thoughts. I hope it is not bad news, and wish you strength either way.

   6. Big hugs to you and your mom! Hoping for good news!

   7. I can’t imagine either, lots and lots of internet hugs and rawrs.

   8. Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. Crossing my fingers, legs, and eyes in the hopes of good news.

   9. I am so sorry. Hugs.

   10. Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry to hear this incredibly stressful news. Thinking of you and sending a big hug to you and your mother.

       Life just isn’t fair.

       One day at a time. You can get through this.

10. Is it ever okay to comment on your long term partner’s weight gain? My partner has gained 50+ lbs over the last 18ish months, which he is aware of, but isn’t doing anything about (multiple beers/night, eats whatever he wants, never works out). Over the last year, I’ve developed some healthier habits and a regular workout routine. I’ve run a couple of half marathons, and exercise most days out of the week. He is very supportive of my efforts, but has made no effort to begin working out himself.I’ve invited him to walk our dogs with me or to a yoga class, and he never wants to go. He’s a grown man, and knows he’s gained the weight, so he doesn’t need me to tell him. But, it is becoming increasingly unattractive to me that he makes no effort to take care of himself.

    He also works late, so he tends to get takeout, rather than eat the healthy meals I prepare.

    Hive, are there any concrete suggestions you have? Should I just keep my mouth shut?

    1. Short answer: he has to want to lose the weight himself. If you find something that motivates himself in that direction, great. Otherwise, he’s not going to lose weight just because you encourage him. (My husband would call my encouragement “nagging”).

    2. My husband had recently gained about 30 or 40 pounds. Same situation, he would sometimes put in lackluster effort to work out, but was completely unmotivated, ate whatever he wanted, drank whatever he wanted, etc. I could feel myself getting more and more resentful that he wasn’t doing anything about it, so I decided to take action.

       In the past I have tried to say things in a nice way– I’ve told him I’m worried about his heath (his dad is overweight / had a stroke etc.), invited him to work out with me, tried to get our whole house to do healthy eating, etc. It didn’t work.

       Finally, out of desperation I did something that I realize would be a TERRIBLE decision for most people in this situation. I sent him an email saying, hey, what about trying this? with a link to weight watchers for men online. He looked at it and later told me he wanted to try it. It was that easy.

       I will be the first to say that if someone did this to me, I’d be *very* upset. I had a feeling, however, knowing my husband, knowing that he doesn’t like to have those awkward conversations, and that he is super practical, and also that he is tech-y and loves anything with apps… I just thought it was worth a try and if I hurt him doing so, I would suffer the consequences.

       He’s now lost over 20 lbs and looks and feels great.

    3. I’ve had to deal with some similar things. To me, the part that is unattractive is not his physical appearance, and I would never never never comment on his physical appearance. I found the complete disregard for his health unattractive. I had a little bit of success focusing on certain habits that had important consequences other than weight loss. For example, I finally sat my husband down and told him that it was really difficult/upsetting for me to see him never exercising and eating a lot of high fat processed foods when both of his grandfathers died before age 60 due to heart issues and his father isn’t in great health at age 58. When framed as I love you, I want to spend more than the next 30 years with you, and I want you to get to meet your grandchildren, it made my husband listen.

       I think the really important part is to not get too laser-focused on his habits or try to dictate how he changes them. My husband hates going to the gym. He will not do it. But he’s joined a soccer league, plays tennis and golf in the summer, and skis in the winter. I asked him to get active, and he did- in his own way. I don’t think it’s fair to say get active- and do it my way by running with me. The same goes for food. My husband loves loves loves beer. He will not give it up. He probably has a glass a night and it’s his splurge. Mine is a bite of dark chocolate after dinner. Until I got that beer was his equivalent of chocolate, I just didn’t get why he was having the empty calories (to me). I also got in the habit of doubling our healthy recipes and packing 1/4 of it for each of us for lunch the next day. It makes it easier than take-out for him. I finally felt like it’s more important to me than it is to him, so I have to make it as easy as possible for him to do it.

       One of my dad’s favorite things to say to my mom really applies here: “You can tell me what to do, but not when or how.” Ex: ask him to plan some sort of physical activity twice a week. But then leave the rest up to him!

       1. OP, if you’re cool with preparing meals for your husband, maybe pack him two meals to take to work? And a ridiculous amount of snacks? Stuff you both agree on.

          1. +1. In the past, I have packed fruit snacks (cut up melon and grapes, for example) for the morning and vegetable snacks for the afternoon (cut up cucumber, bell peppers, carrots, etc., with hummus dip) for DH. That way, eating healthy was easier. I started doing it for myself first, and he was like, “hey that looks good, can you make me some too?” and so I did. Being active came totally on his own, but I think eating good foods helped tremendously.

          2. I’ve offered, but his office subsidizes lunch, so it is actually cheaper than what I could make (and he hates leftovers). I have also bought enough healthy snacks for us both to take to work, but he just doesn’t take them.

             I do like the idea of explaining that I’m worried and asking him to find his own way to be active a couple of times/week.

             To the point about beer, I like beer and we always have it in the house, but he almost always has at least 3, no less than 2. It is also always craft beer, so not low in calories.

             1. Could he be depressed? 3 beers/night would be a red flag to me of something else going on. (But I know this community is very quick to diagnose mental illness where none exists, so take my suggestion with a grain of salt.)

             2. Preg 3L, I wondered that awhile back, but I really don’t think so. I also wasn’t sure if that seemed excessive to others. It seems like an awful lot to me for a normal weeknight, but if I drank 3 beers, I’d be quite buzzed.

                That being said, he really dislikes his job, and is definitely stressed.

             3. You say his work subsidizes his lunches so its cheaper, but financial cost isn’t always the only factor. There’s clearly a health cost to his eating lunch out every day. I know I would gain weight if I ate lunch out every day instead of eating the healthy lunch I bring from home. I would not care if it was free, I wouldn’t want to eat out every day for lunch.

             4. Re: hating leftovers, this is a lot of work but Mama Godzilla prepares completely separate meals for Papa Godzilla’s lunch and dinner. He has a lot of health issues that require a strict diet and he only likes her cooking anyway but whatever he eats at home and whatever he eats at work are completely different foods.

             5. I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying that you love him, but you’d be more attracted to him if he lost weight. It may be harder to be motivated by the future gratification of healthy old age than the current gratification of partner interest.

                That said, the speed of his weight gain is concerning. Fast weight gain, a high level of drinking and being uninterested in any activities are all red flags for depression. If he is depressed, it won’t matter what you say to get him to lose weight until that’s addressed because the weight gain is a symptom and not the disease.

             6. How do you figure out if your partner is depressed? If it were me I would (and have) go take an online assessment? I lived with a severely depressed roommate in college, and his symptoms were more stereotypical, for lack of a better word. Sad, couldn’t get out of bed some days, made really poor choices (driving after drinking).

                Seriously all, thank you so much.

             7. I’m with Fiona. Sounds like depression to me. And his symptoms are typical in that he’s not taking care of himself. Sure he’s showering and going to work on time, but if he’s drinking, gaining weight, eating too much that’s definitely a start. I went to an exercise class at 7 am every morning when I was first depressed (needed to control something) and in fact, throughout the worst of my depression, I bounced out of bed every morning sure that today would be better (only to find myself back in bed at some point during the day because everything was too overwhelming), but I couldn’t stop eating, had a similar weight gain to your husband, and eventually everything spiraled out of control. I would tell him you’re concerned he’s depressed, have him take an online assessment, and ask him to go see his primary care doctor about your concerns.

    4. Someone recommended the book “Intuitive Eating” on here the other day, and I got it out of the library and am finding it incredibly eye-opening. One of its major points is that the mentality of restricting and forbidding certain foods or certain types/times of eating actually encourages overeating as a natural response to feeling deprived. The authors emphasize that loved ones’ messages of restriction or guilting, even if they’re well-meaning, can lead to “rebellion” and really unhealthy attitudes toward food. I highly recommend this book to help you think about how you treat food with your husband, and it may make you think about your own approach as well. I feel an overhaul coming in my own life, FWIW.

       1. Thanks for the rec! I will request it from the library today.

       2. This is so true about the rebellion. My mom has always nagged my dad, and his attitude is sort of rebellious.

          1. They make the same argument about exercise or “being active:” that if it’s set up as an obligation, especially imposed by someone else, quitting is inevitable. There’s a whole principle and chapter on that area as well, also maybe relevant to the OP and relationships in general. There’s also a chapter on how to encourage the right attitudes in your kids.

             I just find the whole analysis refreshingly sane.

       3. I agree – this book is fantastic. I read it at a therapist’s recommendation to deal with some of my own issues and it ended up influencing how we approach food as a family and how I address DH’s weight and health issues, and the entire notion of guilt, reward, deprivation and negativity we ascribe to food, rather than nourishment and positivity. Accidentally it really helped my marriage and relating to DH!

    5. You guys are awesome. You’ve given me so much to think about. I just love how caring and compassionate this community is!

       1. One more thing… I struggled with my weight for years and once you’ve gained a bunch of weight it’s harder than hell to lose it. And dieting is often a great way to gain weight — you lose some, then gain it back with interest. If you are able to discuss this with your partner at any point, you might want to float the idea of concentrating on stablilizing his weight here, before it spirals really out of control, rather than trying to take it off right now. I often think if I’d tried that fairly early on in my weight-gaining career I wouldn’t have ended up needing weight loss surgery.

          1. I have found that it is easier to focus on exercise first, then diet. After getting into an exercise groove, it becomes more obvious that unhealthy food affects your performance and comfort. In addition, exercise provides endorphins!

             1. Not me! I find it way easier to focus on diet than on exercise. Funny that people can be opposites in this realm!

       2. People have made good suggestions about how to help/encourage him be healthier, but I don’t think the main issue here is the weight. What changed 18ish months ago to bring on the weight gain/behavior? Assuming your partner hasn’t been putting on this much weight this fast for the entire time you’ve known him/her, it seems like you guys need to go back to the root issue that caused the change. Was it a new job? Some other stressor? Family issue?

    6. The phrase I’ve found most helpful in my relationship is “what can I do to help you?” Frame yourself as being on his team and this being a problem the two of you are going to address together. Prepare to do a lot more listening than you do talking. Try to ask questions. If you’re unhappy with your partner’s actions, trying to understand and sympathize with the reasons for those actions is more effective in getting those actions to change than informing your partner that they need to change. It is the two of you vs. the problem, not you vs. him.

       (If he doesn’t think there’s a problem, tell him that this is a problem for you and you would like the two of you to both work on it together)

    7. I just thought I would chime in with my experience because I have been on your SO’s side of the coin. Several years ago my SO told me that my eating habits and weight were a real health concern and causing problems with our emotional intimacy and romantic attraction. Holy cow! I don’t have words to describe how upset I was that night or for the next several days. Within 2 weeks, I had jointed Weight Watchers and within 5 months I had lost 50 lbs. I still struggle with my weight and eating habits and I probably always will, but eight years and 80 lbs later, I am really, really grateful that we had that talk.

    8. Chiming in just to say that I think we may be married to the same man and thank you for asking this question. I also appreciate everyone’s feedback, as I will also be taking it into consideration… last night I stopped just short of asking my husband if he really needed that third beer when he can barely fit into his suit pants. Then I realized: (a) I’m a terrible person, (b) that it was an awful thing to think let alone say, and (c) I am apparently my mother, so I zipped my lips and grabbed myself a beer, too. :)

    9. SO gained 60+ kg over a period of years due to knee and shoulder problems – and overindulgence in food and wine.
       The weight itself was not a problem to me in an aesthetic sense but the fact that he was completely unfit changed our life a lot – we were unable to do much of anything like sex, gardening, walking, biking etc.
       But you can’t do stuff for people. So I just kept telling him I loved him, and thought he was the most beautiful and attractive man in the world – and occasionally suggested trying something new habit wise or food wise. I may also have mentioned that I missed our sexlife a bit, though I don’t know if it made any difference. And at some point he made up his mind to loose some weight and stuck with it. So far he’s lost 20+ kg. And he is so much happier and sexier.

       1. I struggle with this too. My DH has a nasty soda habit, and has also gained weight over the past few years. I don’t mind his weight, but I feel so sad when he talks about how *feels* about his weight. It’s his self-hate and thinking he’s fat that breaks my heart. I want him to know that he’s strong and awesome the way he is, but if he wanted to change anything about himself, I’d be standing beside him. Not because he’s disgusting now, but because it’s good to be healthy.

          I don’t know how to phrase this to him without making him feel bad about his weight.

11. Wondering if you all had any constructive thoughts –
    I’m a PhD student at a small school where girls are about 1% of the student population. Another female PhD student (on a different academic track) always puts on a face that we’re the best of friends, but I find our relationship completely toxic. She always instigates competition and comparison between the two of us, attracts drama, and then wants to involve me in her personal emotional roller coaster.
    I try to set firm but gentle boundaries (“I’m working right now, and right now I don’t have time to listen to you tell me about how all these boys are chasing you and creeping you out even though you led them all on”), and I’m exhausted of her consistently trying to push those boundaries. I also feel that cutting her completely off is a task more delicate than I’m capable of – she’s in denial about her psychological well-being, I can’t reason with her, maybe I care too much about what my professors and superiors will hear, and I’m afraid that since we both know everyone else in the school that it will just be too much drama.
    You can be blunt. Am I a total pushover? Do I just need to play nice? Should I just assume that nobody else at this school really cares?

    1. It sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing – being polite but firm and declining to spend more time with her than necessary. I know this is easier said than done, but just try to let everything she says go in one ear and out the other. You don’t think of her as a friend, so don’t get caught up in her gossip and drama – think of it the way you would celebrity gossip: interesting to know but doesn’t affect your life. And try to avoid engaging her – if you just nod and smile at everything she says she’s likely to find it less entertaining to whine/gossip to you than she will if you react to what she’s saying. And to answer your last question, I doubt anyone at school notices or cares about the details of your relationship. I think this is especially true if most of your colleagues are male – guys tend not to be very aware of this kind of stuff.

    2. Can you just not care? We all have special snowflake coworkers. As long as she isn’t directly harming you (including your reputation), just let it be. You can also actively manage her by directing the conversations you have. If it bothers you to be a passive participant, then be active.

    3. That sounds stressful. Seems like you’re taking good steps. Maybe see the school counselor for a couple of sessions to work through your own reaction to her and explore additional steps you can take?

12. Just learned that there was an armed mugging and attempted sexual assault a block from my house on Friday night. This comes amid a wave of armed muggings and at least one armed sexual assault in the general neighborhood, but this one was (literally) closest to home. I live in a relatively safe neighborhood in a major city, but other neighborhoods adjacent to mine have pretty serious problems with crime and drugs, so it’s not as though this problem has suddenly cropped up in Pleasantville.

    I don’t know that I’m looking for advice–what advice is there, beyond to be prudent?–but I can’t deny that this makes me a bit anxious, especially now that it gets dark so early. Thoughts? Commiseration? Magical spells to instantly remove all gun-toting, products-of-terrible-circumstances teenagers from the city limits?

    1. If your state/local laws allow it, I’d start carrying mace. It may also give you peace of mind to get involved with or at least go to meetings of your city council; they may discuss what efforts they are making and you could learn how you and others can help.

    2. Beyond all the traditional advice of be vigilant and trust your intuition, I always found advice I got from my mom when I was a teenager very helpful: have a plan. When I walk home late I always keep in mind the nearest places with people: the 24 hr. deli, the doorman buildings, etc. I try to walk on the livier sides of the street and I keep in mind where I could run if I needed to. No guarantee of safety, of course, but I think it helps me feel in control and gives me a plan of action if need be. I’d also consider taking a self defense class. I think so often the implicit message we get is to not fight back because “it’s not worth losing your life over,” but while that’s true there’s also often a lot you can do if you do fight back. If you’re feeling uneasy, I’d definitely look into some classes.

       1. “Have a plan” – yes.

          I call this “When…then…”. Not “If” because everyone thinks that nothing bad will ever happen to them. So instead, “When a person jumps out from behind a parked car and demands my wallet at gunpoint, then [how i will respond]” or “When someone kicks in my front door at 2am, then [how I will respond]”.

          Yes to self defense classes.

          PUT YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET. We live near a college campus and there are frequent muggings. Driving through campus, 90% of people who are walking solo are starting down at a phone screen. I could be dancing naked beside them and they wouldn’t notice. Pay.Attention.To.Surroundings.

          Finally, yes, think about the whole “not fight back” thing and its implications. What if someone holds you up at gunpoint and wants you to get into their van? Your changes of coming back unharmed from that secondary location are so, so small, and you may not come back at all. I’m absolutely not saying that you always need to respond to a threat with violence, but you need to determine for yourself, with each situation, what your response will be.

          1. Cosigning everything in AIMS’ and Anon’s respective posts.

          2. All of this. Also, consider keeping cash (a $20 bill or something) within easy reach. If someone demands money, you could throw it on the ground to distract them and get away (even if you don’t have cash to sacrifice and are giving over your wallet, toss that away from you).

             1. We have had an increase in muggings in my area, and some people are creating ‘fake wallets’ that they can give to a mugger to get away. taking an old wallet, putting an expired ID, some expired credit cards and a little bit of cash in them, and keeping them more accessible than their actual wallet.

                but, keep in mind, that the most profit right now is in the iphone market overseas, so if you have an iphone, do NOT get it out when you are out alone, don’t be talking on it and don’t let anyone see it. That is just going to make you a target.

                Also, I highly recommend self-defense classes. I took them years ago when I lived in NYC and I have maintained confidence ever since then that I know what to do in physical situations. And I think it just makes you less of a target, because your physicality when you are walking changes when you don’t think of yourself as a possible victim.

          3. And for Pete’s sake, TAKE YOUR EARBUDS OUT. Use all senses to learn your surroundings, and that includes hearing.

    3. Yes to both these, put your phone away, get some mace, (and maybe self-defense classes), and also some other things: change into flats or run-able shoes before you head to your neighborhood at night so you can walk tall; square your shoulders; have your keys out so you aren’t fumbling through your purse on your doorstep. Also, fwiw, after learning too much about DC’s street crime earlier this year, I resolved never to go to a gas station at night. If you’re walking down the sidewalk when it is dark and a tree blocks the light from the streetlight, or you’re passing an alley, or there are particularly dark patches of the sidewalk, swing out and walk in the street where you’re more visible to passersby (or cars). And have a plan!

    4. You might like to read this article:
       http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/the-truth-about-violence

       1. That’s a great link. Lots of pragmatic, evidence-based advice with little conservative or liberal dogma.

       2. Yes, I really think its a great read for everyone, and women in particular. Even the advice give to young men about de-escalating situations is very worthwhile.

    5. I went to uni in a less than safe area and always kept a rubber banded roll of $1 bills covered with a $20 bill in my purse to throw at muggers. Also, a personal alarm like this (link to follow) may be a good deterrent (they also sell ones that have mace& alarm all in one).

    6. Being vigilant is the best way to avoid being a victim. Most robberies involve a victim that is intoxicated or distracted listening to music or talking on the phone. Make eye contact with those around you since most robbers will stay away from potential victims who can identify them. Most importantly, if you are getting robbed, just give up your bag; it’s not worth getting hurt over material things.

13. Say you currently have a job that is a long-term contract, with little chance of being terminated, and a strong likliehood of being hired on permanently after, but no guarantee. This contract position is your ideal job, the people are amazing and the work is exactly what you want.

    Say a permanent position has opened up in the same company in a different group, still great people, but the work is less desireable, though still good. The company is very good about moving people between groups to expand their experience, and while there is no permanent role in your current group, you’d have a pretty good shot at getting one if it did open up.

    The takehome pay in the contract position is higher, but the permanent position has a pension plan and benefits.

    Should the person stay in their current job, or apply for the permanent position?

    1. Apply for the permanent position, unless there is a very clear timeline for your home position becoming permanent (which doesn’t sound likely). Your managers should understand the situation.

    2. Depends on whether you need the benefits. If you get benefits through your husband/domestic partner, it would make sense to stay on the contract doing the work you love, and make retirement contributions into a personal IRA. Pension plans, at least in the US, have deteriorated massively and should not be counted on as a significant source of future retirement income.

14. More pumping at work questions (diff poster than yesterday):
    1. How many sets of parts do you keep at work? I a pumping 3-4 times a day and have 2 sets of parts. I feel awkward washing them in the kitchen sink but lugging more than 2 sets everyday will be cumbersome. If I just keep these at work I will still need to wash them at the end of the day. Any suggestions? Should I try to pump less often?
    2. Any creative solutions to minimize the sound of the pump? I close my office door but still worry that people outside can hear it. They know what’s going on but it still feels awkward.

    1. Just throw the same parts in with the cooler–you wash them because the milk will theoretically get sour, but it does not get sour in the fridge/cold environment.

       I only pump twice per day, but it works for me.

       No advice on the sound! I just close the door. I work with all dudes, so it’s nice that they’re a little freaked out–gives me some peace when the door is closed!

    2. I didn’t comment on yesterday’s thread but here’s my pump routine:

       I leave my pump and hands-free bra at work all the time. Every day I bring my cooler (for pumped milk) and a wetbag containing one set of flanges/valves/membranes/connectors, six bottles and six lids. I pump 3x/day. In between pump sessions I store the milk and the connectors/valves/membranes (unrinsed) in the cooler bag. I wipe the cones between pump sessions and have never had a problem. Used supplies go back in the wetbag for transport home.

       Re: the noise, I usually just play music and don’t worry about it. This is also my second kid so I’m much more relaxed about the whole thing this time around.

       1. Thanks! Do you use the cooler bag that comes with your pump (I have the Medela PIS) or a separate bag? I am unable to fit in all the parts in the cooler bag along with the gel pack and bottles. But it seems like you don’t keep the cones in the cooler bag, just the other parts. Is that correct?

          1. Definitely get a bigger cooler bag. I use a neoprene lunchbox and it holds about 3 times as much.

          2. I use the Medela cooler bag — and you’re right, no cones/flanges in there. I wipe them down with a burp rag or kleenex and they’re fine. So little milk gets on them anyway during a pump session that I’m comfortable taking the risk of wiping/not refrigerating them. You could also get those quick-clean wipes made by Medela if you’re worried about contamination. Like I said, this is the second go-round for me so I’m probably too lax in some regards.

             And if you’re pumping tons of milk, you can consolidate your “take” into fewer bottles so it leaves enough room for pump parts. After the third pump of the day my connectors, valves and membranes go into the wetbag with all the other dirty bottles, etc. but I store those parts in the cooler bag between sessions 1 and 2 and again between 2 and 3.

    3. Would you feel less awkward washing them in the bathroom sink? That’s where I washed mine (out of convenience as well as not wanting to get into chats about pumping in the kitchen…). I didn’t leave them there to air dry or anything, and our bathrooms are very clean. I also work in an industry with very few women, so I am often the only one in the bathroom for hours at a time :)

       1. That’s a good idea! There aren’t many women on my floor so it should be easy to do that.

    4. I used the Medela Wipes. Although, I technically think you are supposed to rinse them after wiping, before using them again, I never did.
       Another tip, that I a friend shared with me, and I just shares with another (stunned friend), is that you can pump hand free, just by stuffing the cone in your nursing tank.

    5. I didn’t wash mine during the day, just wiped out with the medela wipes and maybe rinsed with some water if there were lots of drips.

    6. I just wiped mine down with the medela wipes in between pumping and then washed at home at the end of the day. I did keep a spare set of parts at work just in case I forgot something, but that set stayed at work.

       As for the noise, I decided just to not worry about it, but maybe since it is cold now you could run a space heater (though in our old building pumping and running the space heater would certainly trip the breaker), or maybe play some white noise online on your computer and turn the volume up enough to drown it out.

       Good luck!

       1. I used tissues to wipe the parts and played music for noise. I didn’t reuse the parts the same day, but I would have if necessary.

    7. I’m also self-conscious about the noise from the pump. Try zipping up the front pouch as much as possible, so that just the cords/tubes are coming out, and then wrap your winter coat around it. It’ll muffle about 80% of the noise. Much better!

    8. I didn’t wash during the day, just wiped them clean. I kept my pump and travelled with the cooler with bottles/pump parts.

       Have a coworker stand outside your office and see if they can hear anything. They probably can’t. It seems painfully obvious when you’re pumping, but I find the sound falls into office white noise really easily.

15. I need some help figuring out how to gently get my husband to shift away from a college wardrobe to more of a mature professional wardrobe (and resources- men’s blogs etc. would be amazing!).

    The backstory- We met in college and DH is 3 years older than me, so he spent a lot of time on a college campus after he graduated. His weekend clothes stayed exactly the same for 3 years post graduation because he spent them mostly on campus with me. Then I graduated and went to law school, where everything was still pretty casual. His job has always allowed him to wear jeans (except for client meetings, where he’s in a full suit). He’s now 6 years out of school, approaching 30, and I feel like the uniform that was fine on campuses is starting to look sloppy.

    The dilemma- Now that we’re in NYC and I’m working in finance on wall street, I’d like to step it up a little. I’m very young for my job (at least 5 years younger than the next youngest person in my position) and my age was something that was mentioned in my interviews as a potential challenge (I’m client facing). We live around my office, so we bump into my co-workers/superiors often on the weekend and when we leave the city for the weekend to go to my parent’s house, we often see my clients out and about at our country club, sports games, etc. I don’t want my husband to feel like he’s never “off” but I don’t want to reinforce any questions about my age by showing up places looking like my husband and I belong on a college campus.

    His suits are great, but he struggles with the nice casual uniform. I’ve given him a couple of nice cozy sweaters, thinking that a great “uniform” would be dark jeans +polo/button down + sweater +loafers/boat shoes but he has this weird thing about saving them for special occasions. Like he doesn’t want to waste his new clothes on regular days (which is adorable- but that’s why I bought them!). Any advice?

    1. Maybe just have an honest conversation with him that it’s important for you to keep up appearances in your neighborhood and at the country club. Explain about running into clients and not wanting them to think you are too young for your job. If he understands how important it is for him to look nice all the time, then maybe he’ll be more willing to wear the clothes.

    2. Honestly, I’d leave your husband alone on this. If he dresses appropriately for work, let the poor guy relax on the weekend. No one else is judging you on the weekends and life is way too short to worry about clothes all the time. We get downtime. I would leave someone who tried to control me this way.

       1. +1. I can’t imagine telling my SO that he needed to wear a collared shirt all the damn time. This sounds like your issue, not his.

          Now, if he’s wearing something patently unsuitable for a particular event (ie flip flops and shorts to a restaurant with a jacket policy) then that is different. But this just sounds like you want to dress up more than he does. Stop policing him.

       2. I agree with this. If he’s dressing objectively appropriate for the situations, then let him be. Sometimes I wish that my husband’s weekend uniform was more stylish than it is, but he works hard during the week and beating him down about clothes isn’t worth it to me.

       3. But that’s the thing- I DO feel like there are situations where I am being judged on the weekends.

          While he’s not wearing things that are completely inappropriate, they are different from what other people are wearing. Like a t shirt to something where everyone else is in a polo. Or sneakers when everyone else is in casual loafers. There’s no rule that you have to wear X, but there’s clearly an implicit dress code that we’re missing.

          I’m trying to figure out how to make substitutes so that he doesn’t feel like this is a huge imposition. Maybe it’s just me, but to me there’s no comfort difference between a t shirt and a polo, so why not wear the polo if there’s a chance we’re going to bump into a client?

          1. I’m the anonymous above and that’s why I suggested making it about you. Make it seem like a favor to you. “it’s for my job, we’re running into clients” and make it clear that you don’t dislike the way he dresses, it’s just important for you to put off a certain image/professionalism.

          2. It sounds like you believe this is an age problem, but it sounds like it’s a social status (for lack of a better phrase) problem. You expect that being out of school, having more money, being married, etc., are reasons to dress nicer. Your husband doesn’t. You can deal with it directly (“Hey DH, please wear a nicer shirt / nicer shoes to X today”) or you can deal with it passively (“Wow DH you look so nice when you wear those shoes”) or you can talk to him about the whole situation. He’s an adult, he knows that there are occasions on which to dress up, he has eyes and surely notices that everyone else is wearing something that he’s not. I am guilty of wearing sneakers all.weekend.long even when it’s not appropriate because I have foot problems. Does your DH have foot problems or physical challenges that influence how he chooses to dress? Those things can be addressed, either with a doctor or with compromise clothes (e.g., Clarkes shoes are pretty comfortable but nicer than sneakers). Is he concerned about spending money on weekend clothes? Make a budget, discuss why it’s important to you, how the two of you can adjust spending to accommodate that. Does he want to be doing something else on the weekends instead of going out with you? I’m a bit of a homebody and sometimes would prefer just hanging out at home to dressing up and going out — discuss his priorities. YMMV but trust that your husband is an intelligent man and you can treat him like an adult on this.

          3. But it is a huge imposition.

          4. Why do you think you are being judged, and specifically being judged for what your husband is wearing? There’s no rule that says that couples have to match. I often wear nicer jeans, boots, and a blazer to meet people for drinks while my husband will be wearing old jeans, sneakers, and a hoodie. I might care if I ran into someone important while *I* was wearing sloppy clothes, but I just don’t see my husband’s clothes reflecting on me. If you’re feeling judged when you see people on weekends, I’d guess it’s either that you’re projecting on them because you feel embarassed by your husband, or their response to you is entirely non-sartorial.

       4. Ayup. Count me as another person who’d leave a partner this controlling.

          1. Agreed. This would be a huge red flag in a marriage for me, especially so early on. It’s one thing to tell your husband that the particular thing you’re going to is dressier than he was planning– happens to me all the time. But to tell him that, in general, he needs to start dressing up to run around town on the weekends? Yikes.

    3. No great advice but my husband is the same way. Very interested to hear feedback.

    4. Can you strike a deal that he dresses a little nicer at your parents’, where you might run into clients, but can dress the way he wants near your home? Because it seems to me that your employer doesn’t care about your age. They think you’re fully capable of performing your job (which is why they hired you) and know how old you are. Clients are a different story. I think it’s much more reasonable to ask your husband to dress up on a few occasions (how often do you go to your parents’ house?) than feel like he can’t even run out for milk without being judged for his clothes.

    5. In this situation, I’ve found the best action to be subtle, non-offensive, positive reinforcement. My SO is… less than interested in clothing, to put it mildly. But by commenting on how nice he looks when he does take efforts with his clothing, and by casually mentioning how nice some of our male friends look in their shawl-collar sweaters or casual checkered button-downs, and complimenting them in his hearing, he’s become more interested in looking nice, and has requested I actually suggest outfits and clothing for his consideration. He still mostly wears the same two pairs of pants five days a week and the same single pair of jeans all weekend, unless he’s in basketball shorts, but at least the shirts are nicer!

       1. Oh! Also, not every guy wants to wear button downs. The weekend uniform you mentioned is cute on tons of guys, but maybe isn’t your DH’s style. There’s lots of great teeshirt looks he can rock, if they’re nice shirts. Maybe he’d prefer henleys, or you could try sweatshirt style sweaters. Or try working with him to replace his older clothes with just slightly nicer, more fashionably-cut versions of his casual clothes. (Eg, straight-cut jeans, or very fashionably faded ones instead of his baggy, shapeless ones; fitted tees in rich colors instead of faded, stretched-out, holey ones; plain zip-up sweatshirts in a light grey marl or navy or chocolate brown instead of college logo ones; simple, classic style tennis shoes like New Balance instead of Nike running shoes, etc)

    6. I can’t quite tell if the problem is he doesn’t have comfortable/casual clothes he likes, or if he just doesn’t want to wear anything other than his current uniform… Either way, my sister took my BIL to see a Nordie’s shopper and he came out looking like a new man. It was much easier for him to take the advice of a neutral third party, than hearing his wife make suggestions. (Isn’t’ that always the case?)

       My own hubby had worn a pretty standard uniform for quite some time. I finally convinced him to try some new things (aka sweaters and cords) and this happened to coincide with the point time when he got new glasses. All I can say is that it really amped up the attraction factor for a time…! Maybe you could find a way to relay this into a benefit? “Dear hubby, you look so HOT when you wear those boat shoes” or whatever. =)

       1. I tell my husband this about button downs, and when I mention it I can usually get him in button down shirts for a few days. “I just like the idea of unbuttoning…” Both true and makes him look snazy for a while.

          He works in tech, so his work uniform is a thundercats tshirt and cargo pants that I had to patch for him so that the holes don’t spread across his entire backside.

          1. I am stealing the unbuttoning line ASAP.

       2. I’m not sure the phrase “you look so HOT when you wear those boat shoes” has ever been spoken. :)

          1. +1. I actually would be very turned off if my SO was wearing either boat shoes or casual loafers.

             1. Agreed. Grounds for dismissal.

          2. mmm pretty sure it has. I love a man in boat shoes and I know a lot of other women who do too.

    7. I’d leave it alone, or maybe buy him a few pieces that are nicer but still not full out preppy middle-aged dad. There has to be a middle ground that’s not button down shirts with a sweater and boat shoes in the middle of a saturday.

    8. My husband has about a zillion t-shirts but only seems to like the old ones that are full of holes or look like they’ve been gnawed on by a small animal. I’ve asked him to step up his weekend wardrobe when we’re going to be out and about and might run into people but realistically, that means a t-shirt with no holes, jeans and sneakers. I can’t imagine his weekend uniform being anything like the one you describe because that seems overly fancy for him. As long as he looks neat and semi-clean for weekend errands (he gets a pass for shaving and a hat), I think he gets a pass.

       For events you’re going to where others usually show up in a polo or nicer clothes, you can try to steer him to putting on nicer clothes by framing it as “usually guys wear X” but I don’t think you’re going to change his regular weekend clothes.

    9. If you’re only running into colleagues and clients on the street (as opposed to in stores, restaurants), then maybe just get him a nice jacket. If his jeans aren’t horrible, it doesn’t much matter what’s underneath, and we’re in jacket/coat weather for the next 6 months. Once you’ve established (for both of you) how frequent these encounters are, then you can talk to him about a summer wardrobe update.

       1. Agreed. Sounds like this guy needs a nicer casual jacket (which he can wear over a tshirt, and will dress it up) and some new pants. And nicer casual shoes. Try more “adult” sneakers – all brown or all black.

          About two years ago, my DH was all into light colored badly-fitting jeans. I got him some darker ones, and he prefers those, and now buys them for himself.

          I have found that you can just buy him some new stuff, and keep doing it, even though he won’t wear every thing. You might get some hits. :)

16. Longtime Lurker, First-time Poster, needing advice from the Hive:
    I’ve accepted an invitation to present a single 45-minute session at a conference in Nashville in February. It’s a two-day midweek conference with a few early-bird sessions on Tuesday. I’ll be driving to the conference from Atlanta, probably in time to attend some of the Tuesday topics. When I asked the organizer, she indicated the event was business casual. However, a visit to the organizer’s website uncovered pictures from previous events (involving different industries) that indicate most people dress on the more formal end of business casual.
    For reference, I’m an engineer in my early 30s and expect most of the attendees will be older men. I’m petite but busty (and a new mom, so REALLY busty!). While my industry is not known for its fashion sense, I need to project authority to this mature audience. I’m not a fan of my only suit, a custom classic wool skirt suit in caramel (it was a gift), because I don’t know how to style the odd color. With a budget of $200, I’d rather not buy another suit, since my workplace is on the more casual end of business casual. I’d appreciate any recommendations about what to wear on the presentation day as well as during the rest of the conference.

    1. For $200, you could buy a nice black blazer, then for the day you’re presenting, style it with a sheath dress or gray or other (coordinating but not black) color pants or pencil skirt. If black isn’t your thing, you could buy a charcoal blazer and pair with black or plum or olive green or similar. It’d still be useful for a casual workplace, because you could pair it with trouser-cut jeans or similar, and you’d be able to get a nicer jacket for your budget than you’d be getting if you bought a whole new suit.

       1. This was going to be my exact advice.

          Invest in a blazer you can still use in your workplace and pair it with a very appropriate sheath dress. No need to buy a full suit!

    2. Oh, this makes me miss my caramel-colored suit that I used to have. I found the shade of mine went with everything — red or dark teal would be my favorite, I think. I also wore black with it, but if yours is a darker brown that might now work. I just bought several blouses at Belk and Macy’s in Atlanta, but if you are pumping you might try a sweater-like shell instead? I have only ventured into the world of blouses and away from stretchy tops now that I am no longer nursing.

    3. What about a nice sheath dress and a cardigan?

    4. Is this ASCE? I’m mid-30’s, presented at AIChE this past year and regular attendance at several industry conferences.

       The dress code for men is almost invariably button down shirt and slacks – much less commonly suit. I think you’d feel overdressed in a suit.

       I typically go for the sheath dress, but my work environment is that undefined dress code between business professional and business casual where you see women span the entire range without being too out of place – so I wear sheath dresses pretty regularly and its not stranded investment. I think the black or charcoal blazer sounds perfect – you can style it with jeans later and wear it with slacks to the conference.

       1. It’s the Gas Utility Safety & Operational Excellence conference. I’ve got a couple great sheath dresses and some great blazers, so it sounds like I’m all set. Thanks for all your recommendations!

    5. I don’t know how it is in the South but I’ve always felt extremely uncomfortable unless I was wearing pants around engineers. I admit that this is a personal hangup but it’s just so many men and the one woman wearing a skirt just screams LEGS to me.

       Wear what makes you comfortable, add in a jacket. Dress pants, blouse/sweater, coordinating jacket works. For the rest of the conference, I might keep a structured cardigan or more casual jacket handy. At the risk of sounding like Ellen, young female engineers like us have to walk a fine line between over-dressing and looking too casual.

       1. I’m expecting most of the attendees to be middle managers and not engineers. I guess I’m just concerned that a non-suit will be unprofessional even though all suit-wearers I work with don’t wear suits that fit.

          1. Haha to that last statement.

             Was thinking about your original post and the comment that you wanted a look that would garner respect by the older gentlemen audience. I would think that maybe rather than it being a suit that does that, it’s probably more like a professional outfit that is really put together that will read “she’s got her outward business together so her technical business is also together”. So slacks, blouse, blazer, neatly done hair, classy accessories would all do this and maybe fit in at the event more than a skirt suit?

          2. I’d wear a higher-necked top with a blazer and slacks. If they “match”, i.e., look ok together, but aren’t part of a set, that’s probably ok.

             I’m with Gozilla – if I’m one of the only women there, I’d just be more comfortable in pants than in a skirt.

17. Travel recs needed!

    H and I are considering eventually (3ish years from now) relocating from the NYC metro area to a much smaller metro area (small city or large town), and want to use our travel time from now until then exploring possible places that would be a good fit for us. Our criteria are: (1) the city has a walkable, “urban” core, but is significantly smaller and less dense than, say, the NYC or Boston metro areas; (2) the city has a good live music scene; (3) the city has a good restaurant scene; (4) the city is either relatively liberal/progressive or is at least tolerant of liberals; and (5) no more than 2.5 hours by plane from NYC. (I think it would be a bonus to have a college/colleges in town, because in my experience, it creates a more education-oriented community, but H is agnostic on this point, and lack of colleges in town isn’t a deal breaker.)

    So far on the list, we have Portland, ME; Charleston, SC; Nashville, TN; Savannah, GA; and Naples, FL. What other cities/large towns should we be exploring? Should we be ditching any of the cities presently on the list?

    1. Athens, GA meets all your requirements. Only downside is you have to drive 1.5 hours to ATL to fly anywhere. Upside: once you’re there, you can fly anywhere on earth!

       1. Agreed about Athens.
          Savannah is a nice place, but it really doesn’t have a music scene and isn’t generally considered progressive. People are fairly tolerant of more liberal views and there are several colleges, including SCAD It still has a smaller town feel, is a great place to raise kids, and is really beautiful. There are direct flights to NYC and you can connect easily through ATL to the world.

          1. Mascot: dare I hope you reside somewhere in Georgia?

             Killer Kitten Heels: read your comment below about weather. Athens has four distinct seasons; winter just isn’t as cold and summer can be pretty hot. Right now we’re in the middle of a truly lovely fall, with color-changing leaves and everything! We moved here from Boston as well (Beacon Hill) and enjoy it even more than we’d hoped/expected.

             1. Famouscait, yep, lived here most of my life.

             2. Another resident of the Peach State here :-)

             3. Mascot and CBackson: Well howdy y’all! I had no idea. I thought I was the only person (outside ATL) who knew about thissite.

                Has there ever been a GA meet-up?

             4. Hmm, not sure. I’m down below the gnat line, although I make it to Atlanta fairly regularly

             5. I adore Beacon Hill! It’s where I would’ve lived if I’d stayed in Boston after I finished school. You’ve just bumped Athens much higher up on the “places we should check out” list for me.

             6. Not a super frequent poster — but over in Macon. :D

    2. Nashville is really growing fast, and I think it would fit all of your requirements. The downtown core is becoming much more residential and connected. Live music is unreal here. Plus, Vanderbilt is 1 mile from downtown if that adds to your education-oriented community. I relocated here from Boston and it’s grown on me!

       1. I lived in Boston for seven years before meeting H, and still love it – how does Nashville compare? (H was in Nashville for work recently and really, really liked the city, but I’ve never been, so I have no frame of reference. On paper, at least, Nashville seems to be the best “compromise” for us, but I’m curious about whether a lifelong Northeasterner would be comfortable there.)

          1. Here are my MA-based gripes with Nashville/TN/The South: public transportation is terrible and annoying, its unbearably hothothot for a few weeks every summer, school systems are iffy at best, and people don’t seem to have a sense of urgency. However, Nashville’s restaurant scene is exploding and just amazing, the city as a whole is developing crazy fast, it’s relatively affordable and new compared to Boston, and I think staying within the city limits helps with feeling “trapped in the South.” I will admit the Vander-bubble of northeast people help with wishing I was back in MA. FWIW I moved here a few years ago for my husband’s career so it was not a move I would have chosen on my own, but I do like Nashville now. Weatherwise, I do not miss dealing with northeast blizzards, and really enjoy the crisp but enjoyable late fall and winter. Plus, having a nice spring that starts in early March is fantastic.

          2. Oh and there are lots of direct flight options to NYC and r/t is generally $200-$300. Not a ton of direct options to Boston, though.

    3. I’d look into Charlottesville, VA, too. It’s a quick flight to NYC, I believe, and it meets most of your other criteria. But I am biased. :)

       1. I love Charlottesville, but it’s a town more than a city. Great restaurants, great music scene, great intellectual community, but flights to NYC are expensive (flights to nearby Richmond, however, are not). I would love to live here again someday, but I think it’s a hard place to go to right after NYC. Also, the job market is tough (unless you work for UVA) because it’s so small.

       2. I work at one end of Charlottesville (although I don’t live here) and while I love it, I just don’t see that there’s a really a walkable urban core. I think it’s still mainly a driving city.

    4. What about Pittsburgh? (I know, a lot of people go “yuck” but it’s exceedingly affordable and has a lot of culture downtown, as well as sports). Or the nicer parts of Baltimore?

       1. +1 for the ‘burgh. It’s really undervalued as an interesting place to live. Plus, it is big enough to have pro sports and stops on major music tours.

       2. Voting also for Pittsburgh and Baltimore. Was just in Pittsburgh this weekend and had a blast–big hit was Church Brew Works (brewery in a former church). Friends who live there have, by all appearances, a great life. And Baltimore is very similar. We’re NYCers but would move to Charm City in a second if we could make it work professionally.

       3. Yes, +++ this.

    5. Philly has a good restaurant and arts scene and is close to New York.

       1. How big is Philly though? I’m concerned it’s more like Boston-sized, which would be too much for H.

          I was living in Boston when I met H, and he felt the size of it (and driving in it) to be too overwhelming. He’s described Nashville (where he’s been but I haven’t) as being as big as he’d comfortably go without wanting to live in the suburbs (which is precisely what we’re trying to avoid, because we live in the ‘burbs now and I’m really, really unhappy).

          1. It’s bigger than Boston. It is a fantastic city, but it is not a place to move for a slower pace.

          2. Depends entirely on the exact location in Philadelphia. Philadelphia as a whole is much larger than Boston, but it has neighborhoods just like other large cities that make all the difference. There are incredibly dense spots (Center City and the surrounding neighborhoods), and there are also less dense spots where you can even have a yard (Chestnut Hill, East Falls, etc.). I would even argue there are multiple urban cores in Philadelphia (Center City, University City, Manayunk, etc.). Otherwise, Philadelphia fits your description to a T!

          3. There are areas that aren’t too city-like and there are some that are. I guess it depends on what you’re looking for, but the suburb where I live is a lot more “urban” than some of the smaller cities I’ve visited. It sounds like you would definitely want to avoid center city.

    6. Austin Texas sounds like it meets 100% of your criteria. (Not 100% sure on the liberal front but I believe it’s sort of non-Texas, Texas. I had a friend relocate there from the NE and she loves it.

       1. My first thought was Austin too. I am from the NE originally but love Austin.

       2. Austin is really liberal – doesn’t fit in with the rest of Texas at all.

       3. Yes, I cosign Austin. I love it so much I want to marry it.

       4. My first thought too, but I don’t think it fits the plane ride criterion, does it?

    7. I think Minneapolis-St. Paul and Madison, WI would be good additions to your list if you can handle the cold – but the fact that most of your cities are in the south makes me think you might want warmer temps. And I know its already on your list, but I’ll put in a plug for Portland, Maine. I think it definitely has everything on your list & I think it’d be an amazing place to live – it has such easy access to both the city of Boston and beautiful downeast coastal Maine. If I could live anywhere in the US and not have to worry about career opportunities or proximity to family, I’d live there.

       Also, I’m not sure how liberal Charleston, SC is – I’ve only visited and never lived there, but my takeaway from visiting is that is a beautiful city, has an AMAZING food scene and feels very, very Southern culturally (with all the negatives that implies) in a way that Nashville and Atlanta do not. Granted, I’ve only been once, but based on that visit I would never move there to raise a family. I would love to visit again though, and maybe we had some bad experiences and a second visit would make me see it in a different light.

       1. Oh also, I think the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area of North Carolina would be a great bet for the things you want. I lived there briefly and would definitely not hesitate to go back. It’s one of the most educationally-focused places I’ve ever been, thanks to several big universities and a bunch of tech companies. Very affordable too.

          1. I live in Raleigh and work in Durham and it’s a GREAT place to live. There are lots of great restaurants, tons of things to do on the weekends, local breweries, etc.

          2. I second Durham and Chapel Hill. Also, I’d agree Charleston and Savannah are not really liberal cities (though beautiful). I think Athens, Durham, or Chapel Hill would all be more of what you’re looking for.

             1. Oh that was me.

             2. I will add that I’m not sure Athens is big enough to really count as a “city” so much as a not-even-that-large town (and Savannah is about the same size), but you’re not that far from Atlanta and it hits all your other criteria.

       2. We’re split on the weather – H wants to keep the four seasons, and I’d be happy to jettison winter and 3/4s of fall, at least. The list is skewing southern because I’m doing the bulk of the research right now, but I could probably handle a long winter if every other criteria on the list was met. I’ll add Minneapolis and Madison to the list. (And Raleigh-Durham too!)

          1. I would add Asheville, NC to the list and Chattanooga, TN. Although both are on the small side.

             Make sure you check out Naples in the summer. It is a ghost town.

             1. If you are looking for a liberal community, you will be sorely disappointed in Chattanooga.

          2. I grew up in Madison, and now live in a small town near Naples, so hopefully I can give you some perspective on both!

             Madison is VERY liberal, so much so that I would actively dissuade someone who isn’t themselves from moving there. It’s a pretty good town for live music and restaurants, although neither of those were things I personally did much. The city is heavily influenced by the university, which along with the state government is the main employer in town. Housing prices never had a real bubble there in the last decade, so there also wasn’t a big crash. Madison has the highest COL in the midwest after Chicago, but if you’re used to the NYC metro area it will seem cheap. Property taxes are high in the city itself, less so in surrounding towns.

             I grew up in a suburban neighborhood in the city that was less than a 20 minute drive to the state capitol. Our next-door neighbor biked to work at the university. Public transportation is fine if you’re downtown, not so great if you’re not. The winters are long and harsh, but summers are usually nice. Some years it never even gets to 90 in the summer, some years it’s very hot and muggy. There’s never much of a spring and the weather tends to go straight from winter to summer in a very short town. It’s a very outdoorsy town with lots of people who go biking and boating in the summer and skiing in the winter. The downtown is built on an isthmus between two lakes with suburbs spreading out to the east and west.

             Overall I hated Madison for both the weather and the political intolerance I faced there, so I was very glad to leave, but it may be a better fit for you. Many people do love it!

             Most of Naples isn’t very walkable. There’s a fairly small, ritzy downtown area that is, but unless you’re extremely wealthy you probably won’t be living there. The rest of it is a lot of typical Florida subdivisions with many gated communities, which is not something I was used to coming from up north. The area isn’t particularly liberal, but politics doesn’t seem to be as all-consuming here as it was in Madison, probably because it’s more removed from the state government. I don’t think you’d feel uncomfortable in that regard. If you’re near the coast, the farther south you go in Florida the farther north it is culturally, so Naples itself really doesn’t fit any souther sterotypes. If you go inland to the middle of the state this will change.

             I don’t know about live music, but I’ve heard that the restaurants are pretty good. The economy is largely driven by tourism and wealthy retired snowbirds, so hospitality is probably the biggest industry. There are several colleges in the area (I work at one of them), but none of them are large enough to really influence the culture of Naples as a whole. It’s hot, humid, and rains every afternoon in the summer, but a hot and humid day here is no worse than one in Madison. The only difference is that summer is longer and all of it is guaranteed to be hot. (This year I ran the A/C from June to October.) The weather here the rest of the year is amazing. It rarely gets below 55 in the daytime at the coldest. Winter here is usually like a gorgeous summer day elsewhere. The beaches are amazing, although I live more than 45 minutes away so I rarely get to them.

             The housing crash hit this part of Florida very hard, which has driven home prices down a lot. The houses here tend to be newer and fancier than in Madison, though, so it’s difficult to make a direct comparison. There is no state income tax in Florida. I rent down here, so I don’t know about property taxes. Sales tax is very close to what it was in WI.

             I like living down here, although I am in a small town in the same county rather than Naples itself. However, I think Naples might be too suburban/ritzy for your preferences. It is a great place to vacation, so I don’t think a trip would be totally wasted, even if you don’t decide to settle here.

             1. Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply!

       3. Agreed that Charleston is not really the place to go for a progressive city. Crazy gorgeous, though.

          1. Parts of Charleston are more progressive than downtown. Check out West Ashley or Park Circle if you’re interested. It doesn’t compare to Asheville, NC, though, which is an amazing city and meets all of your criteria. Definitely check it out.

    8. I hate to say this but how about New Orleans? It’s so different to live here than being a tourist. Uptown feels like a small town, but there are city things to do.

       1. Second NOLA. I lived there for 4 years and loved it as a local.

    9. Check out Durham!

       1. +1 to Durham. I’ve lived in the DC area for long time, and my H is from Boston, and we would consider moving there ourselves. Some good friends from DC moved to Durham recently, and every time we visit we can’t stop talking about how much we love it there.

    10. Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN could also be on your list.

    11. Bluebell, Alabama seems nice

        1. Stars Hollow, too.

           1. Stars Hollow also has a great inn where visitors can stay, some wonderful antiquing, good diner with great coffee, and a good local arts scene. It’s pretty small, but the people are interesting and generally friendly. It’s worth a look!

              1. <3

        2. I’d move to Bluebell. It seems they are always having community festivals.

    12. Charlottesville, VA should definitely be on your list!

    13. Denver, Austin, Milwaukee – I’ve lived in all of them and they seem to fit your criteria!

    14. Bozeman, Montana! Although it is probably more than 2.5 hours from NYC. But it’s awesome.

    15. Loving all the recs (even you, Miss Montana) – thank you all so much.

        I think our first stop on the cities-we-could-maybe-live-someday tour will be Portland ME (cheapest/shortest flights, meaning we can visit without taking any vacation time right after Thanksgiving), then on to other destinations in the new year. You’ve made my list really long, which is great!

    16. Orlando, FL meets every requirement on your list. I don’t know how Naples ended up on your list, but I don’t think it quite meets your requirements.

        1. I was going to say this — Naples is not very progressive or liberal, and I am not sure what “tolerant” of same would mean, but I can’t say it has much of a tolerant vibe either. If this sort of thing is important to you, I’d consider other places in Florida (West Palm? Boynton? Del Ray Beach? Key West?)

           1. Some of the list was generated by friends/family who have relocated comfortably; that’s how Naples ended up on the list.

              And by “tolerant”, I mostly meant that we will be able to function socially/make new friends even though we’re liberal/non-church-going/etc. – we’re not particularly politically active or anything, and not big on publicly talking about our beliefs, but we would not do well in a place where the primary form of social organization is religious/conservative. (I have friends who relocated to a part of the south where the most-common getting-to-know-you question is some form of “What church do you go to?” – it works for them, since they are religious, but would probably be disastrous for H and I.)

              Also I probably should’ve mentioned earlier that H is Hispanic, and our last name makes it immediately clear that that’s the case, so racial tolerance is a necessity, although I’ve – perhaps naively – assumed that that’s a given in most major metro areas.

              1. I would then re-iterate that Naples may not be the best choice for you. First, it’s largely a retirement community so depending on your age, you may not have that many people to befriend. Everyone there seems to mainly play golf or works on a golf course. Outside the winter “season,” it can be a ghost town and dinner is routinely eaten at 4:30/5. I think it has the most golf courses per capita. Unlike many other parts of FL, the people who do move to Naples from elsewhere tend to be from the Midwest, not from the Northeast, and they tend to veer conservative and old fashioned. There is a lot of church talk and church going. Honestly, I don’t think I would be comfortable living there and even visiting, though it’s lovely, I much prefer the other side of the state or Miami. This is not to say that it’s not a great place to live for many people, but it wouldn’t be for me and I am not someone who wears my political or religious beliefs on my sleeves. If you are planning to have kids, I would especially think twice about it as a lot of creationism gets taught in schools and lots people just flat out do not believe in science.

              2. Thanks so much for the insight. Sounds like we’re crossing Naples off the list (although we’ll probably still go visit, since warm + family = good weekend, if not good permanent relocation option).

              3. @ Killer Kitten Heels: it is a wonderful place to visit!

    17. Burlington, VT – fits your criteria almost to a T. Restaurants are very good but not terribly diverse.

    18. Is Chicago too big to be considered? Both H and I love live music and food and that is where we always say we should relocate to be able to afford to buy a place (coming from San Francisco — plus he used to live in NYC). We visited Chicago for four days last summer for a friend’s wedding and the food and music scenes are both off the hook wonderful, and the downtown/Financial Distr. small and very walkable (very like SF and nothing like Manhattan).

        Though I have to admit our friends who have actually lived in Chicago say we’re crazy b/c we’d never be able to deal with the winters . . . .

18. I have some problems with an admin in my office. About 2 years ago, admin called me a b*tch in the office to another admin and I overheard – she didn’t know I was in the office. She apologized and since then, things have been fine between us. However, this morning, another admin who is gossipy let me know that the admin was talking bad about me this morning. I should have just cut gossipy admin off, but I didn’t, and now it’s bothering me to know what problem admin said about me. For the record, I was recently promoted to the senior team in our office. It is so frustrating and I feel like I can’t win. Any advice? If I try to talk to problem admin, it will cause problems between her and gossipy admin. I want to just forget about it but it’s really unprofessional.

    1. While it is not professional of problem admin to be behaving in this manner, people talk smack about their bosses all the time. Let it go. But watch her work product. Pay attention to whether she’s doing her work on time and if she isn’t, let her know. You’re not afraid of her, you’re Super Awesome on the Senior Team. You have other things to focus on.

       1. Thank you!!!!!

    2. I had a similar issue with an admin I used to work with. Is she at all nasty to you to your face? The one I was dealing with was nasty to my face and behind my back. What it came down to was that she didn’t know how to do her job and didn’t like me pointing out her mistakes. For example, I set an email to her stating: The employer match on my 401k contribution s/b 4%, or $XXX; however, $XXX was deposited into my Fidelity account. Can you please explain the discrepancy? She hated when I pointed out her errors but it’s not my problem that she can’t do her job correctly.

       Finally I had to confront her: I have noticed that when I correspond with you, you seem agitated and short with me. What have I done to upset you? Her response, “Nothing, sorry if I seem short”. When she was once again passive aggressive with me, I said, I’m not sure what is going on in your personal life or if it’s me that is upsetting you but all I ask is that when I interact with you regarding business issues that you treat me with the same respect that I give you.

       The lady ended up being bats*hit crazy and was fired after I made a complaint to one of the managing partners and explained my tactics of trying to fix the issue myself.

       I think many times they are jealous that you are younger and more successful than they are. The only way they can make themselves feel better is to bring out the teeth on you. Just make sure that you always remain professional – then it’s just them that looks like the unstable idiot.

       1. +1. I had a very mean admin in a previous job, who basically told me I wasn’t physically attractive at a networking event after work hours, at a table full of our small office colleagues. I agree that this kind of behavior often comes from a kind of jealousy.

          You can only be the most kind, respectful, positive, and professional you can be. And if it’s too much, and if she’s too entrenched, get out of there.

          1. Thanks everyone! This advice is much appreciated. Appreciate the hive support.

          2. Yikes, I hope they ditched THAT admin. I’ve had my share of issues in an office where I am the only female lawyer, and much younger when I started than the extremely jealous of my professional and financial success. I stuck it out, with no support from my colleagues, but if I had to do it over again, I am not sure that I would. For what it is worth, eventually my colleagues saw the light, that she made trouble for one or the other of the women all the time, or maybe they realized when she started in on a young male associate!

19. I’m really excited about an opportunity that just came up.

    I work in healthcare information security & technology. One of the major information security certification groups just (as in yesterday/today) announced that they are offering a healthcare-specific certification. When I read the exam overview, it reads like my job description. It requires a minimum of 2 years of experience in healthcare; I’ve been in my job for 15+ years.

    I’ve gotten approval to sit for the exam and get reimbursed for the exam fees by my employers.

    I can finallyl get the letters after my name to document that I really do know what I’m talking about!

    1. That sounds like a great opportunity, but isn’t it the norm for companies to completely reimburse you for things like this?

       1. Or not really reimburse, but pay for you outright as part of your job.

    2. That is fantastic! Always nice when things work out like that.

    3. It is normal to have it reimbursed, but you have to ask the employer first.

       Congrats! What certifications have been added? I’m in health IT and did two certs offered by the Community College Consortium.

       1. ISC2 has created the Health Care Information Security & Privacy Practitioner (HCISPP) credential. I had looked at the CISSP several years ago, but I just didn’t have the time & resources to devote to something that wasn’t healthcare specific. This is so much exactly what I do that I’m almost just floored. Literally, my boss & I went through my formal job description today, and about 85% of my job is included in the description of the credential.

20. I finally bought some of those Comfort Plus pumps from Payless and they are the most magical effing things on earth. I cannot believe heels can be this comfortable. What are they doing? And why doesn’t everybody do it? Anyway, I got two pairs of the pointy Janine and two of the round-toe Karmen (even more comfortable).

    If it helps anyone, I have feet that are wide at the toe, narrower at the heel. I usually wear a 7.5 — I ordered regular 7.5 in the round-toe and wide 7.5 in the pointy. They are incredible! And not too cheap-looking, considering.

    1. Wha?! Never seen these before! I just ordered two pairs of the Janine- why not with the BOGO prices. Amazing, thanks!

    2. Thanks for the heads up! I’m going to order a pair. Like you, I have wide toes and narrow heels and I have a very hard time finding heels that aren’t painful.

    3. I will definitely check this shoes out. I am going to try them on at the store before I buy; I try to avoid anything over about 2.5″/65cm in a heel because I am paying the price of living in high heels when I was younger.

    4. Aren’t they amazing? I was asked if the patent ones were Cole Haan’s the last time I wore them.

21. Does anyone else think this dress makes her look pregnant? Not loving it at all.

    1. This dress seems unforgiving if one has any sort of pooch about the tummy. I have one, am generally unapologetic about it, but I also don’t want to highlight it. The weird square-but-low neckline is tough. What sort of bra would I even wear with this? I think this is the sort of dress that looks nice as a sketch but doesn’t work in real life for about 10 different reasons. At least.

    2. Not pregnant necessarily, but it’s definitely not flattering IMO.

       1. It’s really the early pregnancy “is she fat or pregnant” look (i.e., the worst pregnancy look of all).

    3. It makes her look something less than attractive, that’s for sure.

    4. I like square necklines, but I wish it were higher.

22. I’ve been in the market for a lightweight travel bag and I’m considering getting a Lo and Sons OMG or OG after hearing so many people one thissite talking about how great they are.

    Question about the over the suitcase pocket:
    Do any of you have 4 wheel spinner suitcases and use this feature? Does the bag come up too high for this to work? All the models in the videos on the website are using spinner suitcases but when they put the bag on the suitcase, they roll it on two wheels.

    The idea of gliding my suitcase AND carry on bag through the airport sounds amazing. Hoping it’s not too good to be true.

    1. Check CapHillStyle for a 25% off code if you decide to go for it!

    2. No answers on the suitcase question, but check out the Capitol Hill Style blog for a 25% discount code for all Lo and Sons.

       1. Thanks! I saw the discount code, and that’s what got me thinking about the bag/over the suitcase situation in the first place.

    3. No experience with that specific bag, but I have spent WAY too many hours in airports over the past years & have experimented with many different luggage configurations.

       I would suggest that if you are placing a bag on top of the spinner, it will make the spinner too top-heavy to glide smoothly (or it will glide but will be prone to toppling over on every little bump)

       With 2 bags stacked, I’ve been way more successful to drag on 2 wheels.

    4. I have the big Lo and Sons bag (nit sure if it’s the omg or og) but I use it w the Samsonite spinner all the time, it’s my travel set up. It definitely fits over the handle just fine but I haul so much stuff that it can make the whole thing pretty heavy to “glide”. I do it anyway but it’s less magical than I hoped but still much better than anything else I’ve used.

23. Partner Weight Gain, i empathize. My husband, who was already heavy, gained 50 poinds in 6months and was unwilling to do anything about it. In his case, it was grief that had turned into depression. But it did make him less attractive and his unwillingness to act contributed to the end of our marriage. Would he be willing ti see a counselor?

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