Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Myra Faux Wrap Dress

337 Comments

1. A friend of mine is pregnant and learned her baby has a cleft palate. I’d like to do something really special for her, to make her know I am there with her, still think her baby is beautiful, etc. Any ideas? She loves to craft and hasn’t picked a name yet.

   1. A cleft palate is totally fixable in the US and routine and not life-altering for the baby. [I have a child with a condition that even 75 years ago would have made her so mentally frail that she’d not be able to ever live independently or function at anything but a 3 year old level; today, her life and mind are completely normal.] But anything that is not vanilla in a pregnancy can be scary. And the happy pregnant people . . . are often not awesome to be around. Can you just spend some time with her, kicking around a Michael’s or something she’d enjoy? Time with a nice person is one of the best things at any time of a person’s life, especially when things are stressful.

   2. Honestly, I would not tell her her baby is beautiful. You have not met the baby and in all likelihood she will be pursuing surgery for the baby. Just spend time with her as a friend and let her guide how she wants to handle it.

      1. A LOT of babies look like Winston Churchill, at least at first. Which is not . . . beautiful. But is awesome in its own way (the red angry faces and fists give off an “I rule over you” vibe that I think is fantastic — petite tyrants!).

         1. Babies tend to give me a WC Fields vibe. Google image search him.

         2. Miss Manners has wise advice: She says all babies and all brides are beautiful by definition.

   3. I think you can be there to listen and turn to the internet if you have curiosities/questions — do not ask her questions that put her in a position of having to educate you about what she is undergoing now in terms of testing or what the baby will undergo later. In part because that’s a lot of emotional labor for her, in part because it might come off as questioning her decisions.

      I think for now, general support and celebrating the baby however she wants to is good. You can offer to help her with research on surgical options, feeding, etc. if you are able to do that and think she might like the help.

      And then once the baby is born, plan to do usually new baby stuff but amplified — more meals, more friendly texts that do not expect a response, visitors if they want it. If the baby will be having surgeries, you could get gift cards for hospital parking and any food options at or near the hospital. Does she have other children? You could offer to help with childcare as well.

   4. I can speak to my experience of finding out that one of my twins was going to be born with a birth defect (not cleft palate) that is significant but not life-threatening and correctable by medical intervention over the first few years of life. I might not be the norm, but I was secretly annoyed by people who I felt overreacted. Like even relatives who said, “Oh, I’ll give him extra snuggles!” irked me a bit. My view was, he’s my baby and he’ll be my baby no matter what. Were you planning on holding back on the snuggles until you found out he has a problem? I just said thank you at the time, but that was my internal reaction. I tend to be irritated by my family’s tendency to over dramatize, though.

   5. I don’t think this is a huge deal and I would act the same as if there was no issue. It will likely be treated with surgery and that’s all.

      1. +1. A close family friend was born with a severe cleft palate (40 years ago, mind you) and he had to have a number of surgeries while young, but he was/is otherwise completely healthy and you can’t even see it anymore. Similarly, a co-worker’s son had a very minor case and he had one surgery shortly after birth and has been totally fine since. Of course every case is different, but I wouldn’t react out of the ordinary in any way just yet.

   6. I would ask her how she’s doing and go from there. Let her guide you. She may want to talk about it or she may not. The baby will likely need a few surgeries so being helpful during those times would be appreciated I expect. My brother was born with a cleft palate and had a couple of surgeries as a baby/toddler and one as a teenager.

2. Does anyone have any recommendations for a trip in the spring to California? I’m thinking Santa Barbara or Ojai? After watching Sideways (the movie about 2 guys on a wine/golf trip before one gets married) I decided to surprise the hubby with a trip in the spring. We do drink wine, but like sweet wines only, so wine tasting won’t be a focus of the trip. We live in SE Texas, so I supposed we’d fly into LAX or Burbank and then drive? Looking for any/all advice.

   1. Santa Barbara is lovely, and I’d fly straight there.

      1. While flying into Santa Barbara is great, the airport is tiny and there are not many direct flights. However, if you can manage a flight into Burbank that would be better than LAX both in terms of navigating the airport and traffic getting into Santa Barbara.

         And second (third?) the recommendation to drive up the coast. Cambria is a great little town.

         1. +1 to Cambria, Caycuos, and SLO with a stop to toue Hearst Castle. Lovely central California towns with art, wine, and beautiful coastlines.

   2. Kate, I love this faux wrap dress! Great pick! As for the OP, If you were watching the movie closeley, and liked it, you really should go to NORTHERN California, where Dad went with mom. They went to the NAPA valley, and Sonoma and drank and ate a lot of food. Dad recommends flying into San Frisco and renting a car, if you know how to drive in the mountains. Have fun! YAY!

   3. I live in Santa Barbara and it’s a great place for a getaway. Besides wine tasting, there is lots of hiking, lovely spas (esp in Ojai, about 40 minutes from SB), and good food. You can fly into LAX and rent a car to drive up (you’ll probably need a car to get around in SB anyway) – the airport here is fine but very tiny and you won’t get a direct flight. Happy to answer questions and provide more specific recs if you post what you’re interested in.

      1. And Santa Barbara has a surprisingly good art museum; I liked it more than Portland, OR’s. The Mission is lovely, one of my favourites. The pier is fun to walk along and people-watch. Super Rica is a must do (but cash only!). The Funk Zone is the latest hot ‘hood, and State Street is also good for walking.

         I recommend flying in to Burbank as well.

   4. The whole Central Coast is great. I’d drive on up to San Simeon and do a Hearst Castle tour and have brunch at Linn’s Fruit Binn in Cambria. San Luis Obispo is on the way and it’s nice for an overnight and dinner, too.

   5. If you like sweet wines, recommend you fly into SFO and head straight to mendocino. Many wineries there do pinot noirs, alsatian whites and late harvest bottlings (both white and red). In particular, for sweet wines in mendo, recommend Husch, Meyer (Yorkville Highlands) and Navarro. Mendocino’s coast is wild and beautiful and the Anderson Valley is fantastic.

3. Does anyone have recommendations for a cropped or hip-length denim jacket without chest pockets? I don’t want to emphasize that area.

   1. It may be too long for you, but I have actually found the denim jackets from Chico’s to be perfect for me. They are shaped a bit through the body, so they don’t look quite as boxy.

4. Looking for Germany travel suggestions – I will have a couple days on my own in Pfortzheim, Germany (near Stuttgart – spouse will be at a work conference) next week and haven’t had time to do much research on what to do. There isn’t much of anything in Pfortzheim so I would plan to do a day trip elsewhere. I am thinking one day in Baden Baden at a spa but not sure about the other. Maybe Heidelberg? Weather looks to be cool and possibly rainy so I’d like an option that doesn’t involve walking around outside looking at stuff (which seems to be what you do in Heidelberg). I do not speak German but I can read it well enough to function (though I wouldn’t want to go to a museum where everything in is German) and am a pretty confident solo European traveler – no nervousness about taking trains, buses, navigating etc.

   1. Heidelberg or Freiburg would be cool. Also Tubingen but idk for sure how far that is from Stuttgart.

      1. I loved Tubingen for an easy day trip from Stuttgart, although my trip was mostly walking around and sipping beer by the river. I think it was about an hour’s trip from Stuttgart via train.

      2. Agreed. I went to school in both Heidelberg and Freiburg and they are gorgeous and both perfect day trips. I also loved the spas at Baden-Baden. The Titisee is a lovely Black Forest Lake near Freiburg with cuckoo clocks galore etc. Nice rural excursion!

   2. If you have a Samsung Galaxy, I can verify that the Bixby translate function works well enough to translate printed materials from other languages that The Hubs stopped asking me to translate menus and museum signs on our last trip to France and just read off of my phone.

   3. The Heidelberg castle is nice and I’d imagine they have English guided tours.

   4. I know I keep saying this, but I love private guides from Tours By Locals dot com.

   5. I really enjoy Baden-Baden and it’s a good place to spend a day or day and a half. I may be biased, as I’m a big fan of all European bath houses. I like the Friedrichsbad, which is 17 steps, and I enjoy not having to think about it too much. Don’t skip the nap room and you can hang out for a while after drinking tea in a warm cocoon. Caracalla is great, too, more of a choose-your-own-adventure. I usually stay at Hotel am Markt and make sure to get a reservation for Weinstube im Baldreit.
      This is a pretty good summary of the town:
      https://travelpassionate.com/best-spas-in-baden-baden-germany-things-to-do/

5. How do you budget if you’re not big on strict budgeting? Could you share your wisdom about budgeting and frugality within reason — while working a busy job that demands all of your time? What are your best tips for maximizing savings?

   I’m a fourth year associate in Biglaw trying to be more frugal. Single, no kids, early 30s. I was in the LeanFIRE camp for a year in early Biglaw and was an avid reader of Mr Money Mustache, the Power of Thrift, and the Frugalwoods blog in the hope of quitting Biglaw ASAP. But I realized that extreme frugality is not really compatible with working 70+ hour weeks and (perhaps more importantly) my love of yummy food and travel. Also, I’m super risk averse, and Biglaw has started to become marginally more bearable since year 4, so hoping to stick around for 2-3 years more and moving in-house once I’ve learned what I need to learn. I would appreciate any general or specifc advice, including things you would do differently!

   Since leaving the LeanFIRE camp, without following a strict budget, my breakdown looks something like this:

   Income
   – Take home pay after tax, 401k, backdoor Roth, HSA, health insurance, and student loan repayments ($60k more to go, although I had scholarships in college and law school): approximately $10,000/month

   Savings
   – Post-tax savings: $4,000/month (mostly CDs, 6 months’ emergency fund in MMF that also serves as a miscellaneous expenses fund, some in index funds)

   Expenses
   – Gym: $900 annual membership in office building + Personal Training $120-180/week ($60/session) + Yoga $1,500 annual membership (planning to switch Yoga membership to Down Dog app)
   – Rent: $1,200/month for 400 sq ft studio in a HCOL-ish city. I live five blocks away from the office and have a 15-minute walk commute.
   – Cleaning Service: $50/week for weekly housekeeping and laundry
   – Cell phone: $60/month with unlimited data (work reimburses $50/month), which I also tether for internet usage at home
   – Travel: average $1,500/month, with 2 long-haul vacations (7~10 days) and 8-10 short haul trips (2~4 days for long weekends, weddings, family stuff) annually
   – Home stuff, books, groceries, haircut: $500/month
   – Clothes: $400/month
   – Eating out: $800~1,000/month (usually 3-4x/week, more often if I’m dating)
   – Entertainment: $120/month (concerts, exhibitions, movies, Netflix, music, Audible…)
   – Taxis, subways, buses, trains, Lyft, out of town trips: $400/month (I try to take public transport where possible but end up taking a lot of taxis/Lyfts because I’m tired)

   Thank you in advance!

   1. *Out of town trips = day trips via bus or train

   2. What is the cleaning service; how did you find it? $50/week sounds fantastic!

      1. It was a referral from a friend, who also lives in the same complex. The cleaning lady takes care of three studios in the same complex in one day, since they are all small and occupied by single female associates who are never home — hence the cheap price. I doubt she spends more than 2 hours cleaning each place!

      2. Her apartment is only 400 sq. ft, so that’s why cleaning is so cheap. My closet is bigger than her apartment…not bragging, just making a point about why her cleaning is so inexpensive.

   3. I think you need to understand your goals better. Your savings is fine in a vacuum. But what do you want you money to do? You’re spending a fortune on eating out and travel, but you can also afford to do that. You don’t need to spend $400 per month on clothes but if you want to you can.

      1. That’s a very good point — other than potentially needing to save for a down payment or maybe having kids down the road, I don’t have specific goals in mind right now. Although running the numbers for either scenario has been too scary that I’ve really been avoiding it…

         1. Well, there’s your starting point!

      2. This, this, this. I’ve never had luck with savings goals (or weight loss or anything else that involves discipline) without having an actual “why” behind just wanting to do the thing. You were saving for early retirement. Maybe it’s not that anymore, but you need really think about what you want and what you want your money to do to stick to anything. Also, if you don’t want to have a budget and just want to enjoy your money for now, that’s also perfectly fine! It seems like you’re more than on track. For me, I love eating splurgy meals out. If I don’t have a reason that really resonates, then I won’t stop doing it. Just, “I want to save more,” doesn’t cut it for me. It has to be something like, “I want to take this cool trip, and I have to cut back in other areas to take it.”

   4. Since you said you don’t want to be very strict, the easiest way to do it is to take the categories where you have a lot of discretionary spending and set yourself a hard limit. So eat out 3x a week max instead of 4x/week. Set yourself a weekly and monthly goal so if you eat out 4x in one week, that means you max at 2x the following week. Choose less expensive places more often.

      Take a hard look at your travel budget. Can you fly into/out of less expensive cities? E.g. if you are going to Italy, Rome is not always the cheapest airport. We’ve gotten better deals flying into Florence. This doesn’t take a lot of time – set Google Flight alerts for all your travel. Use credit cards that you have auto-debitted from your bank account to accummulate points for flights or for cash back benefits.

      1. Thanks, these are all great ideas! The hard limit was just the method I was looking for, and I should really look into reward cards.

   5. Tackle work lunches? You can do recruiting lunches, committee lunches, etc. and end up with only a couple you pay for yourself. I keep a couple of frozen meals at the office as well for when I am too busy to step out. If your firm reimburses for dinner after a certain hour, regularly stay late once a week to knock out projects and use the dinner.

      1. Sadly: this. Think like a student and go for the free food. Restaurant meals aren’t great, so try to at least have one sandwich day a week (or bring from home). Even if you order in dinner, that is often two portions, so save half to reheat for lunch.

      2. Haha yep, unfortnately this is factoring in all the free sandwiches at lunch meetings and dinner functions and free meals at the cafeteria when I’m not eating out!

   6. I’m about five years older than you and made equity partner at my BigLaw firm earlier this year, so I guess I can give you some tips. I try to follow some FIRE principles that are do-able in our schedules. Examples include:

      – I take one major vacation a year, generally. This is one where I buy first class plane tickets and stay at luxe accommodations.
      o Most other times away I’d classify as “trips” (so, meh) and I save money by:
       Taking the Megabus or Greyhound there
       Driving
       Combining with a business trip so my plane ticket is reimbursed.
      o Note: I am surprised you’re on the road so much. I couldn’t do that as a jr/mid-level so I probably saved some then.
      – I enjoy splurge-y meals multiple times (like, let’s say 10) a year.
      o I otherwise save money by:
       Cooking at home
       Bringing my lunch to work
       Bringing dinner to work if I know I’ll have late nights
       Not drinking alcohol very often.
      – I don’t own a car. I live close enough to walk to work. I don’t have Uber or Lyft on my phone (in fact, never used them on my own accord). I rely on public transportation, biking and, lastly, cabs (which I rarely take). I probably get at least $3000 a year out of my $99 Divvy biking membership.
      o Note: I’m surprised you’re spending so much on transport if you walk to work and are working 70 hours per week. This seems like an easy area to decrease consumption.
      – I’ve tried to kill clothes consumption almost entirely in the last two years and rely on shopping my closet. This was an easy thrill when I was a junior/mid-level because I could shop online, but in my effort to be more frugal, I’ve cut it way down generally.
      – I spend about $1300/month on exercise stuff (personal trainer 3x/week, spinning 2x per week, other stuff 2x per week). This is one area where the cost is high, but I’m actually accountable for it.
      o Note: This is a good example of where I decided to focus my efforts. I cut out the clothes. It looks like you are cutting out yoga membership. I can say I’ve basically done the opposite (increased exercise costs, cut out clothes).
      – I’m OK with a bit of a mess. So, I don’t have any cleaning service.

      1. Respectfully a biglaw partner who BRINGS lunch and dinner, takes Greyhound, and tacks vacation days onto business trips to get free flights?? Sorry but not for me. I wouldn’t want to work so hard professionally only to be in my mid 30s and living a student type of life. And I say this as someone who does save and invest a lot so it’s not like I’m foregoing retirement or post tax investing so I can eat out.

         1. I paid my $10K+ September credit card bill today so the money is being spent somewhere. :)

            Let me also explain there are other reasons I’ve taken up these habits:
            – I gained about 40 lbs during my second to fourth year of practicing because I would order food in and/or go out and get lunch. So, I bring food to control what I eat, too.
            – I love travelling on the bus because I can leave the office and be on the bus within 15-20 minutes. It’s about three hours to my hometown, where I can work the whole time. I lose so much potential billable time flying and it kills me.
            – Same idea for tacking on flights with work-trips. This seems like a no-brainer. I’m billing 2500-2800 hours per year. More flights = more stress! That extra 2-5 hours kills me in flight and messes up my entire schedule.

            Anyway, I’m hyper aware that this gravy train may not last forever so I try to avoid the “golden handcuffs” rules. Like I said in my original post, I try to adhere to some FIRE principles where I can.

         2. “Respectfully a biglaw partner who BRINGS lunch and dinner, takes Greyhound, and tacks vacation days onto business trips to get free flights?? Sorry but not for me. I wouldn’t want to work so hard professionally only to be in my mid 30s and living a student type of life. ”

            Rich people get rich because they don’t waste their money on stupid things. What’s wrong with bringing lunch? What’s wrong with tacking vacation days on to business trips? That’s just called sensible.

      2. Thank you for all the tips and congrats on the partnership!
         – Definitely cutting back on clothes, although the 20-something years I spent fashion challenged are coming back to haunt me when I shop my closet… :)
         – I’ve been meaning to cook more (also weight gain issues since I started working), but am a terrible cook so might need to make do with Trader Joe’s frozen dinners instead!
         – Kudos to you for sticking to public transport! My parents live 30 minutes’ drive out so I occasionally cab/Lyft there for a weekend brunch, which accounts for the bulk of the transportation fees.
         – And yes, I run away a lot with my laptop on long weekends :) I’ve never really thought about partnership, and my office is not big on facetime. It also helps that I’m a now fourth year in a transactional practice, so as long as there aren’t any meetings actively happening, it doesn’t matter where I’m sending my emails and working on the markups. Although cutting back on holidays where I’m working all the time would probably be plenty healthy for my budget, come to think of it…

         1. Yeah, I don’t understand why you are spending so much money on travel if all you do while you’re there is work.

            I don’t think your clothing expenditures are out of line, given your income and the enjoyment you seem to get out of having nice clothes. To me, the easiest non-travel expenses to cut look like the personal trainer (replace with fun fitness classes for similar enjoyment and benefits) and dining out (if I ate out that often, I would be so bloated from all the salt!).

            1. Thanks very much. :)

               – I had a serious Anthro habit that eventually transitioned to Hugo Boss and other more expensive brands. So, I totally get it. But with only 400 sq ft, maybe try out a month or two off and see how much you have in that tight space.
               – I rely on the premade food area at Whole Foods a lot these days. I’m having my biggest year in my 10+ years of practicing (on pace for 3000+). I go right after spinning or personal training since it is around the corner (bring an extra bag for food and then head to work).
               – That makes more sense re: transport costs. I read somewhere recently that someone pays a flat cost for Via once a month or something like that (maybe $200/month). Would that help for that long-haul trip?
               – It wasn’t until I was a 6th year, I think, when I thought partnership was in my future. But I definitely hear the person above/below who said that those weekend trips brought more trouble than happiness.

         2. Is there any public transit from your neighborhood to the general area of your parents, and then your parents could pick you up from the station? It seems crazy to me to take 30 minute cabs/Ubers to visit your parents, since that must add up to over $50 a visit. Could you meet at closer in restaurants, so it is a short cab ride?

            Also, why are you traveling to just work from a hotel room in another city? I focus on less weekend trips, but ensuring that I can actually have the time off to enjoy the city I’m visiting when I travel. I would rather have 1 weekend trip a quarter that I actually enjoy than 2 a month that I work during.

         3. I think people who think they are “terrible” cooks just don’t have enough practice. Most of us are not born knowing how to cook or how to do taxes or how to do many things. We practice. So start with something easy, like a stew, which only needs a few ingredients, and work your way up. Read Martha Stewart (seriously!), because she has a lot of videos and step-by-steps. Home cooking is very satisfying in more ways than one. Money, calories, health, pleasure.

   7. Why are you putting most of your savings in CDs? That’s wayyyy too conservative for someone in their early 30s. Most of your savings should be in index funds. The growth you see from that will outweigh nearly any small cuts you can make to the budget above.

      1. +1. At the very minimum, put that extra money towards paying off your student loans. Assuming your student loans are at 6-8% interest, you are losing significant money by putting it into a CD making maybe 2% interest when having the debt at a higher interest rate.

         With bonus and an extra $4k a month, you could easily pay off your student loans within a year

         1. +1
            4k a month for years and years will grow so much more in index funds than in a CD, which also locks your money up for a certain period of time. My emergency fund stays in a money market mutual fund where there is less risk involved. But the rest goes to S&P 500 and the likes.
            I generally don’t budget what I spend. I budget what I save. So for example if your goal is to up your saving to 5k a month I’d start looking at where I’m willing to cut back to get that extra 1k. It’s better to work with concrete goals/numbers.

      2. Because I’m super risk averse and ignorant about the market and arithmetic! My retirement accounts are mostly in the market but I keep thinking what if the market tanks in the next 10 years and I need to buy a house / withdraw funds for daycare fees or family medical expenses?

         1. Shocking. Typical lawyer. So don’t put ALL your money into the market. You can hold out say 1 years expenses + even some part of the a down payment and still put in the rest, no?

            1. I take issue with the “typical lawyer” part (since I am one too :-p ) but, this. Keep an emergency fund for emergencies. Buying a house is not an emergency; you can either adjust when you buy the house (if there’s a market downturn, then wait), or if you feel you really have to, set aside the money you’d need for a downpayment. Daycare fees are not an emergency/not something you need to dip into savings for; you adjust your lifestyle if you need to in order to make it part of your monthly budget and, if needed, reduce the amount you save to pay for it.

         2. Investing in an index fund is the risk-adverse thing to do.

            1. Agreed. I think you are actually taking a pretty big risk that your money will run out in the future if you don’t educate yourself on index funds and why you should put some of your money in stocks/bonds.

               Also, I know you are no longer Lean-FIRE but your budget looks like there is probably a lot of waste. If you are really working 70+ hours per week then I would think your firm would pay for most of your dinners (mine does), but you are still spending $500 per month on groceries/etc. AND up to $1,000 month on going out to eat? Do you really need the personal trainer, or can you find a free workout plan online that you can stick to?

               As far as how I actually budget, for me what works is setting annual caps on different categories and then tracking my expenses. I do it by hand but I know there are a lot of apps that will automate the process. For me, sitting down once per week to review my spending and keeping a rolling tally of my spending (and I know it can be hard with a biglaw job) is effective. Those “It’s only March and I’ve already spent $800 on clothes I don’t need!” moments really keep me in check.

         3. The risk averse thing to do at this stage is pay off your student loans. That will increase your available income if or when you do want to do those things in the future.

            1. +1 market returns aren’t a sure thing but interest payments are. It’s also better economically to pay down debt since I imagine your interest rates on your loans far outpaces the interest on CDs

   8. Since you want to save money, the easiest stuff I see is:

      – Save on fitness – looks like you are spending $8k a year of gym, yoga and personal training. I think fitness is very important and also spend “a lot”, but you could make a big difference by halving that. Perhaps cut back on personal training and go to more classes at your gym (not spendy boutique classes) or do self-directed routines. There are a million on the internet to match your goal.

      -Save on travel – It seems you spend around $15k/year on travel. That seems high to me – perhaps cut out low value getaway trips that you don’t provide value or good memories? I used to take weekend trips that were just “meh” and after cutting those out I haven’t really missed them. There’s ton to do locally if I put some planning into it and then I don’t have to pay for accommodation or meals that I would be happy to make at home.

   9. I set up multiple savings accounts for different purposes at an online-only bank (e.g. emergency fund, travel, gifts (Christmas/birthday/wedding/etc.), estimated taxes, apartment renovations, and so on) and have certain $-amounts of my paycheck direct deposited into each account. I also have a second checking account that gets the money for my rent + recurring monthly housing expenses (approx. cost of utilities + cleaning service).
      Whatever’s left over is what hits my main checking account (which is at a separate bank, so I don’t even see the money in the other accounts unless I specifically go looking for it). Then, I only let myself spend what’s in my checking account in that 2-week period until my next paycheck, unless the expense has to do with one of those savings categories. If I run out of money in my main checking account, then I’m SOL and need to majorly economize until payday. Obviously if an emergency came up, I have plenty of money I could use, but unless it’s truly an emergency, I’m not spending it and need to find a way to economize until the next paycheck, e.g. no lunches or dinners out–eat whatever’s in the freezer/pantry, hold off on non-essential purposes).
      If any money is left over in my checking account right before my next paycheck hits, that goes into my “fun fund” and I can pull from that whenever I want a special treat–a fancy night out, a new dress, etc.
      May not work for everyone, but I’ve been able to stick to it, and I find it way easier than trying to keep track of a detailed budget!

   10. You could cut down your $400/mo on clothes. A subscription to Gwynnie Bee has basically eliminated my need to shop for work clothes, and it’s $75/mo for 2 pieces at a time, or $100/mo for 3 pieces at a time. You get to “browse” on the GB app and “add” things to your closet, but then you wear them once and send them back. You get a ton of variety without having to actually purchase the pieces, plus you save on dry cleaning costs. I’d definitely recommend it.

       1. +1 to Gwynnie Bee saving me money I would have otherwise spent buying business casual clothes!

       2. Do you have a referral code for Gwynnie Bee? Never heard of it but would like to check it out.

          1. Here’s a referral link! go.trygbnow.com/r1yg3

          2. Mine is https://goo.gl/TRmkFi

             You get a 30-day free trial, which should get you about 6-8 garments at the rate I usually receive them.

       3. wait, 1k/year to rent clothes!?

          1. Yes, that’s about what 75 times 12 equals. For OP whose current budget is $4800/year for clothes, spending only $1k/year would be significant savings.

             1. And you also don’t have to pay to dry clean anything and/or you save time/money on doing laundry, so I like that aspect too.

             2. But it’s 1k/year for 2 pieces at a time, so you still have to have other clothes and dry clean them.

   11. What’s your current net worth? I found in biglaw (and even now post biglaw), it’s helpful to have NW goals as in — I want to be at 700k at year x or $1mil at year y. Also how much of that savings post-tax is going to retirement? I imagine as a 4th yr you have enough in an emergency fund and you’re young — no reason the majority of that can’t be going to the market. It’s something I started doing later in biglaw (year 6-7) but I also stayed 9 years and I’m VERY glad I did — being able to buy $2000-3000 stock/mo was the foundation of my next egg that I’ve been able to add to over the years (but not at the same rate now in house or previously in gov’t — but if it wasn’t there at all, it’d be daunting to even start it now that I feel like I don’t have “money to lose” like I did in biglaw). Also 18k/yr in travel sounds excessive to me but I’m not telling you to cut — that’s what 30 somethings do nowadays. Frankly it would drive me crazy to pack my bags and be away that many times a year but hopefully it’s restorative for you.

       1. This ties in to a comment earlier. If you are not sure which tangible goal to set, net worth goals also work. I used to work towards ‘I want to own 100k’, then wanted to get myself to invest instead of having the money sit around so my next goal was ‘have no more than my rainy day fund in cash’ and after that it’ll be ‘find room in my budget to donate $x/month to a non-pofit’.

   12. The travel jumps out at me. How often do you fly? I’m trying to cut way back on flying for carbon reasons, but it saves money as well. I still travel a fair amount, but I’m making a bigger effort to explore places within train/driving distance. We do take one international trip per year (to see family overseas, and we chain an actual vacation onto that).

   13. Since you mention you want to eventually leave, consider figuring out an approximate paycut you’ll need to take and then divert any income in excess of that immediately to a different account. This will make the transition a lot easier and you’ll also build up a nice “war chest” as I like to call it.

       My best lazy budgeting strategy is to have automatic transfers or even directly deposit funds outside of my main checking/savings account. Not “seeing” the money in my easy to access account makes me less likely to spend it.

       1. +1! This is what I did when I was in biglaw. It made the adjustment to a government salary a lot easier, although it was still a little hard to not see my savings grow (i.e., moving from putting $6k+ a month in to my investment account to about $1k a month). I can only image how much harder that adjustment would have been if I had to make major lifestyle changes.

   14. I’m a small law non-equity partner at a firm that pays about 75% of biglaw base. Combined with my husband, our take-home is only about 2k more than you after tax, retirement accounts, and student loan payments (no health insurance because my firm actually covers the entire premium for both of us).
       I agree you need to figure out your goals and why you are saving. Mine is FIRE in about 15 years (I am late 30s). That is quite motivating.
       What jumps out to first me is your fitness spend. That is an area ripe for cutting. Can you use free videos on YouTube or whatever to learn techniques and nix the yoga and personal training? Your gym membership is fairly reasonable, although you could look at your local university or a chain gym to see if you can join there. I like belonging at mine because the facilities are extensive including a pool and it is $400 a year.
       Dining out seems high. On food, can you pack lunches and cook more? It saves a ton. I bring my lunch every day, unless there is free food and go out to dinner maybe once a week. It isn’t sad to be a law firm partner and pack your lunch.
       On transit, is parking a pain/expensive or can you buy an inexpensive car and use that to get around? I have a short commute and drive a 20 year old reliable car, and it costs me nearly nothing. Much less than $400 a month.
       On rent, your rent is sort of low. I debate whether you are in a HCOL-ish city. :) Would you been better off buying?

6. For bathroom floor tile, where I want something that is porcelain and a bit gritty / non-slip, in something like a basic white hex, do I just go to Lowe’s or Home Depot? Or a tile store?

   So many tile store porcelain tiles seem to be slick when dry and they assure me that 1) the grout makes things grippy, especially to wet feet, and 2) everyone uses slick tile. But I think maybe they are trying to sell me the tile they stock?

   But is the big box tile likely to be of a lesser quality? I feel like the hourly employees they get (esp. on weekends) can’t knowledgeably talk about what is in the store. And they may not really know what spendy tile stores even sell.

   I don’t want any handmade / Ann Sachs / made of unicorn tears and organic clay tiles. Just something that I won’t be paying to rip out in a year (or hating for 30 years because I can’t afford to replace it). Is there a good equivalent for a quality basic grippy bathroom floor tile (by brand? price point? something?)?

   1. Sonoma Tile is mid range.

   2. I personally do not believe big box tile is lower quality – they often sell some of the same stuff as in tile stores – but if you are working with a contractor or someone else who is going to install the tile, ask them for advice. They must see tons of tile.
      I think tiles are rated for different surface use, so look for something that says it can be used on the floor. We picked small mosaic tiles because they are easy to install (thus less labor costs) and all the grout lines make them less slippery.

      1. PS – tile stores are also not necessarily more expensive than big box, aside from designer places like Ann Sachs.

   3. You want to look at the dynamic coefficient of friction for a given tile. 0.42 is the interior floor tile standard. Higher is better if you’re targeting slip resistance. The DCF number should be on the box somewhere or on the specs if you’re looking online.

   4. Floor tiles have a numerical rating for how slippery they are. Maybe visit a place with lots of samples (either a flooring store or a big box store) and feel the different samples (even if they’re not the color/style you want) to figure out what number you need. That way you can shop anywhere, even online, to get what you want.

   5. Often big box stores have the same products as tile stores, they just call it different names. Happens with lots of other products, too. Example: https://www.homedepot.com/p/Ivy-Hill-Tile-Moze-White-3-in-x-12-in-9-mm-Ceramic-Wall-Tile-22-Piece-5-38-sq-ft-Box-EXT3RD100051/306681573 and https://tilebar.com/castle-wind-chill-3×12-ceramic-tile.html are the same exact tile, different name.

      If you want something less slippery, look for a less shiny finish. I have matte tiles and they are not slippery at all.

   6. Two extra cents: I’ve redone the tile in my two bathrooms and kitchen, and Home Depot was terrible. They lost my order, partially filled my order, tried to make me accept broken tiles, etc. I cancelled the HD order altogether and went to Lowe’s instead. Lowe’s was a much better customer service experience. If you can, buy in-stock tiles from Lowe’s. If you decide to order tiles, go to a specialty tile store.

7. Hi all – any travel tips for London – Canary Wharf specifically?
   I have a business trip this week and will staying and working in the Canary Wharf region. I don’t expect to have much free time, but on the off-chance I have a free evening or early morning, does anyone have any suggestions? I’m reasonably familiar with other parts of London but know Canary Wharf is kind of…distant? Corporate? Meh?

   1. You will be close to Greenwich, via the Docklands Light Rail. See the Royal Naval College (lovely architecture, just reopened their glorious Painted Hall), the Cutty Sark, National Maritime Museum, and the Observatory (which is on top of a vicious little hill, if you’re looking for a workout). Obviously if you’re short on time you won’t do all of these, but at the very least you could pop over for a stroll around the Naval College for some fresh air on a nice morning or early evening.

   2. It is corporate and clustered, but that might be good for a place where you don’t have a lot of time. It’s been a few years, but there was some decent shopping (including Charles Tyrwhitt, if I recall correctly) in the mall there. I would recommend taking a walk or jog along the river. In the Limehouse area, there is a very old pub called The Grape with fun pub atmosphere downstairs and excellent fish upstairs. There was also a Gordon Ramsey gastropub in that area where lots of professionals hung out at night and the traditional pub food was a few notches above.

   3. The best thing about Canary Wharf (beside Greenwich) is its proximity to the Jubilee line. Take the Jubilee to London Bridge to go to Borough market (if you can get up early) or take it to dinner in Marylebone. If you go to London Bridge, take a walk toward Shad Thames (a neighborhood) to get closer to Tower Bridge (which, in case you’re not terribly familiar, is the “fancy” bridge you might see in postcards). London Bridge is not fancy!

   4. The Museum of London Dockyards, which is at Canary Wharf, currently has an exhibition about Secret rivers in London (the hidden ones). They also have permanent exhibitions about harbour history, slavery history, war history etc. connected to the docks.

      Greenwich, absolutely.

      In addition to the Jubilee line, check out the ferries. You might enjoy taking one of the small river buses towards London Bridge (15 min ferry ride from Canary Wharf), under the impressive Tower bridge.

      There’s a contemporary theatre by Tower Bridge (south side), and close by is also the very interesting City Hall building (architect: Norman Foster), lovely to walk down (circular stairs going down from viewing floor).

8. Any suggestions on where to buy outdoor clothing for tall women? I’m 5’10” and usually I’m a 6 in JCrew/4 in Old Navy for reference. I’m having a hard time finding good quality outdoor gear like parkas for skiing and long down coats for the trek across our enormous parking lot or wool coats that hit below my knee not above. LL Bean doesn’t seem to do tall sizes anymore, Lands End only has a small (6-8) which I find run large. The sleeves on arcteryx and the north face always seem to short. Where am I missing?

   1. If you’re looking at the LL Bean / Lands End genre, I’d take a look at Eddie Bauer, they have tall sizes.

   2. Go to a true outdoor store. The brand that works for me is Mountain Hardwear. I’ve found the arms to run long and the torso to run trim. A store like REI is definitely where I would start.

   3. I really like Marmot for skiing. I’m 5’9″, but find that the sleeves are generally long enough for me. Second the idea of starting at a store like REI.

      1. My raincoat is by Marmot, so agreed with that!

         For wool coats, I love my Lady Day from JCrew. I know it isn’t the warmest, but I wear a long down coat when it’s truly frigid.

   4. Thanks! Eddie Bauer, Marmot, and Mountain Hardware are all brands I’ve heard of but never tried. It’s a bit overwhelming to walk into an outdoor store and not know where to start without getting discouraged. This gives me a place to start.

      Would love ideas for wool coats as well if anyone has ideas.

   5. Go to REI and ask for help from a salesperson. I don’t view Lands End as a true outdoor brand so I don’t think you’ve been looking in the right places.

      1. Orvis is another possibility, if a store is near you. They carry a lot of Barbour jackets that might work.

         1. I find the sleeves on Barbour jackets ridiculously short.

   6. For wool coats, are you long of torso or no? Both Reiss and Whistles (British brands) cut long and slim. The JCrew Lady Day coat comes in Tall as well, but will not be warm enough for really cold parts of winter, at which time I recommend you get an Eddie Bauer Sun Valley Down parka for Boston/NY/Canadian (etc.) Winters.

      For Skiwear, I do not recommend Eddie Bauer–they only have DWR nylon parkas, which don’t breathe well. Their pants are great but cut quite large (as in baggy). If you’re very slender, North Face carries tall in a few of their ski pants and patagonia cuts quite long too. If you’re very slender and tall, I’d get an Arcteryx or Patagonia parka.

      Athleta also carries talls in certain pants for skiing and their polar fleece power stretch tights are the greatest for long johns. Cosign that Mountain Hardwear and Marmot cut long in the arms.

      Hope this helps–finding long-enough skiwear has been a longtime challenge for me too!!!

      1. Thanks! I’m long of torso and arm mostly. Not particularly long legged. This is super helpful.

         1. For wool coats (and similar), I feel like a broken record, but I am also tall and Long of Arm and I adore my Suistudio camel coat. I haven’t tried on any of their other styles (and they are spendy) but highly recommend.

9. I’ve somehow just now realized how important shoes and a third piece can be to an outfit. I work in a fairly casual jeans-and-a-casual-top office, and I’ve been feeling frumpy about my outfits, but I’ve decided that my go to plain tall boots and uniqlo cardigans, while great basics, aren’t doing me favors in that department. I work long hours too and don’t want to feel like I’m wearing too basic clothes, and dressing up more casual clothes with accessories makes a difference mentally. The funny thing is a lot of people came to my office from more formal offices and there are definitely enough people who would actually like to dress more formally, but don’t want to stand out too much!!!

   1. I also work in a casual office and I stopped wearing regular basic cardigans, I felt they were too frumpy. Now I wear more interesting toppers like a jardigan, casual blazer or a more structured open front cardigan. Tall boots are outdated – try ankle booties, mules, loafers, and oxfords.

      1. I know people have been saying that tall boots are outdated for ~ 2 years on here, but the only way I am giving up my tall boots is if someone rips them off my cold, dead feet.

         1. +1. Tall boots are classic and for good reason because they’re so practical. Once you stop hunting trends, you start realizing that classics are never out of style.

         2. I think I will feel the same way about booties and mules when the trend swings again towards tall boots. I love the freedom of slipping my shoes on and off. At tall boots while shopping at the mall are a great way to ensure I do not purchase any pants….ever.

         3. Tall boots with skinny jeans tucked into them is kind of a dated look. I don’t think anyone is saying they’re completely out. For instance, you could wear them with a dress and tights.

            1. But that’s just it – we don’t care if some think it’s dated. At least I don’t.

   2. I went from professional setting when I was in law school/first graduated to transitioning into a role for a start up. I found myself looking “off.” Shoes definitely make a difference and don’t be afraid to rock a heel! I was at first because I didn’t want to look overdressed but then I remembered – though young, I’m the attorney on the team. I found my rhythm in high quality, tailored slacks and thick t-shirts (white, a stripe, even have worn a camo one on Fridays). Shocking, I know, but if the t-shirt is nice and thick, it looks like it goes together. I will wear a bold earring or necklace and a shoe that makes me feel good. For me, it’s a pointed toe D’orsay flat or heel. I keep a favorite black blazer of mine in my office just in case.

10. Hi all. My husband has a beloved old blazer from Men’s Wearhouse of all places. The fit has always been great on him, but the fabric quality is… not the greatest. I’d like to surprise him by replacing it with a new one with the same proportions. Where would you start with this quest? In Philly (center city).

    1. I would look for a tailor who could copy it. Then you get to pick the fabric, and could even have a couple of versions made. TBH, I would not “surprise” someone by replace a beloved piece of their wardrobe – better to suggest to him that the old one is getting worn and you should be it replicated before it dies entirely.

       1. Thanks — he actually “retired” it himself acknowledging it’s gotten too shabby, but bemoans its absence on a regular basis (his backup blazer is boxier in fit and he says it makes him feel like a grandpa in a bad way). So he would be delighted to get a new one. Any specific tailor suggestions?

          1. (Miss the edit button) – to clarify, by “retired” it’s still hanging in the closet, he just does not wear it any more.

             1. Got it. Sadly I’m not in Philly so can’t suggest tailors, but hopefully someone else here can. A quick search for Philadelphia Custom Tailor turned up a good number of results, so there are option there.

          2. I don’t think you need to have a blazer custom-made. Have him choose a jacket that is designed to have the general cut he wants (e.g., slim, tailored, boxy) and pick out a size that fits across the shoulders, even if the rest doesn’t look exactly perfect. Then have it tailored to fit.

             Has the backup jacket been to the tailor’s yet?

             1. The backup blazer has not been tailored because it would be too complicated to be worth it — it’s really the result of being talked into the original purchase that was the wrong fit (his parents insist he needs Tall sizes because he is tall, but most of his height is in his legs, so a Tall jacket is really just the wrong proportions for his torso…..)

                Would Boyd’s laugh at me if I walked in with the old jacket for reference? Haven’t been in there in years but wouldn’t mind spending $500+ for the perfect one…

    2. Would agree – finding a tailor/custom suiting place and having them copy it in a specific fabric. To Flats Only – I read it as she was going to buy him a new one, not throw out the old. TBH, with a custom place, they’ll likely want to fit him, so you might be giving him a picture/etc of it in process.

    3. If you’re willing to splurge, the answer is Boyd’s. That store is amazing!

    4. It’s spendy, but you can get a custom blazer at Commonwealth Proper at 19th and Chestnut

11. Should I see a doctor? I keep getting a couple of pimple-like growth in the anterior zone of the outer ear during my period. It’s very painful and slightly feverish to the touch. It’s not inside the earhole, but just inside the rim of the inferior lobule and middle zones. I put antibacterial ointment on it and took Advil until it went away last time, but it persists in looking redish-blackish. Should I see a dermatologist? Or an ENT doctor?

    1. Sounds like an ear pimple. I get these periodically – very painful and annoying but the same as a face pimple and responds to the same treatments. Sounds like hormonal acne in your case, which is the same for me. I wouldn’t see a doctor unless you want to start a more general anti-acne regimen.

    2. When you’re not inflamed, have someone look in that area of your ear for blackheads. That’s probably what’s causing the pimples. If you get the blackheads out you’ll stop getting the pimples.

    3. Is it on the ear where you typically hold your phone?
       I got it on one ear, then switched my phone to the other ear and started getting it on that ear! Solution is to use speakerphone or earphones all of the time. It worked for me (until I forget and have a 30 minute call with my mom and my warm phone held to my ear).

    4. Disinfect your earphones/ear buds /air pods and office phone!

12. Vicarious shopping help: Any suggestions for cute/simple/casual dresses or outfit ideas for engagement pictures? Taking them in the South, so my ideas for a cute fall-themed outfit are out the window with temps still in the 80s. I’m a tall, size 14 hourglass and would prefer to keep a new dress under $100 and able to order online.

    1. Just an FYI – you can still do a fall-themed outfit! I recently took fall-themed engagement pics on a very warm day! What I did was to use fall colours and styling elements without actually wearing warmer fall clothes. Think sleeveless turtlenecks, tweed-ish mini skirt, tan leather heels. I’m sure you could do the same with a dress – wearing fall colours will go a long way to making your photos look like fall without dying of heat on your e-shoot.

    2. I just took engagement pics and wore this dress:

       https://draperjames.com//products/floral-v-neck-dress-1?gdffi=627ea0cbb7c44391bb9ad171ac07e0b5&gdfms=3315D64B78A54A2BBAEB9A9576FA110E&gclid=CjwKCAjwxOvsBRAjEiwAuY7L8vlt7lm1PteOJLkoUXmGRJ9N4V_FWc2P5G4zBWj9BId6g2iHMHnUGhoCDmYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

       IMO, the red color was very fall-y (and really popped in the photos!).

       1. Also note, the dress is on rent the runway and was TTS in case you don’t want to buy! Arrived with tags still on.

13. Please post your favorite slow cooker vegetarian chili recipes!

    1. Uh… I just open cans of different kinds of beans and chickpeas and rinse them off and put them into the slow cooker. Add some cans of tomato whatever… diced, paste, whatever. Add whatever is in your fridge that you want to use up – carrots, potatoes, celery. Some chili-ish spices. Low for 6-8 hours. Serve with cheese, sour cream, bacon bits (or fakin’ bacon who cares) on the side. Yum.

       I really don’t need a recipe, just a weekend day in the 50F temperature range…

       1. And on the subject of “some chili-ish spices,” my secret ingredient for chili is cumin. I use chili powder, cumin, a lot of salt and black pepper, and a tablespoon of hot sauce.

    2. I usually just default to minestrone soup and add a cumin, chili powder and smoked paprika.

    3. Cookie and Kate’s vegetarian sweet potato chili

    4. Diced onion, minced garlic, can of drained beans (Or if you can find canned pinquitos don’t drain them), stock or canned tomato sauce, 2tbsp chili powder (I like grandma’s brand), 2tsp ground cumin, salt depending on how salty your chili powder is, 1/4-1/2t cayenne powder if you like it fiery.

       Before serving taste for salt, add chopped cilantro if you like it. Serve with grated cheese and green Tabasco. Maybe fresh minced red onion if you’re not the heartburn type.

       I like to serve chili with cornbread. The recipe on the Alber’s cornmeal box is the best – even Julia Child said so – but just omit the sugar.

       1. These are the canned pinquito beans. $84 is ridiculous. They should be $2ush at the grocery store.

          https://enjoydecember.com/products/s-amp-w-pinquito-beans-15-ounce

    5. Just made this last week:

       Soften diced onion and a few celery on the stove. Dump into crockpot, then add canned diced tomatoes & liquid, canned hominy & liquid, can of tomato sauce, couple cans of black beans & liquid, then I throw in dry quinoa, dry lentils, dry jobs tears, little bit of dried mung beans. Add paprika and cumin. Add stock till it looks like it will be enough to cook the dried items. It’s loosely based on the buffalo-style quinoa chilli recipe from food52. Tada!

       1. It’s really the jobs tears that makes it.

    6. I like Jane’s Vegitarian Chili – it’s a myrecipes that comes up first with a google search. I use less water so it’s less soupy. Also, replace the Worcestershire sauce with something that doesn’t have fish – I use a little bit of soy sauce and molasses.

14. Help me etiquette, please. We received an invitation (to “The Mouse Family”) for an outdoor party at a neighbor’s. We have a toddler. The neighbors have two kids, 7 and 5. Party starts at 6 pm. RSVPs are requested for the number of adults. Does this mean kids are not invited, or are kids invited but they only need a head count for the adults?

    1. Just ask. I’d assume kids are invited and their RSVP is wrong.

       1. +1. If it’s one of those on-line RSVP sites, sometimes it’s not clear when you set it up that it is going to ask for number of adults v. number of people. My child has gotten several invitations to what were clearly kid-only parties that asked for “number of adults” attending because people were apparently confused when setting up the RSVP.

          1. Nope, it’s a custom-printed heavy-paper invitation that asks for the number of adults. But I am comforted that it’s ambiguous enough I should just ask!

          2. I agree that asking is warranted! My guesses: (1) kids are welcome, but they need a more exact adult headcount for food and beverage planning, OR (2) they used their holiday card list as a shortcut for doing the envelopes, hence the “family” reference, but it is in fact an adult-only party.

    2. Just ask if you can bring your kid.

    3. This seems ambiguous enough that you could just ask your neighbors directly. “Hey neighbor, we got the invitation and would love to come! Could you just clarify if kids are welcome at this event?” It is possible that it is adults-only and the kids are going to a friends’ house to get them out for the night.

    4. Frequent hostess here – just ask!

       The other reason they might not have asked for a kid headcount is because kids eat like birds / some don’t sit still / pick at a few things. When I’m cooking, I count all the kids for our friend group as only like 2 extra adults because they’ll be so busy running around / watching the kid movie I put on that they’re not going to sit and eat with the adults, so I don’t worry about them.

       1. I guess your friends all have little ones – a 14year old, while definitely no adult, can eat like one, so that calculus would be risky.

          1. Since OP was talking about little children, I answered about little children. Yes, I know teens eat as much as adults.

15. A close friend (lets call him “Bill”) disclosed to me this weekend that his boyfriend (“James”) has been abusive to him. A ton of emotional abuse and manipulation, as well as more than one incident of physical abuse (hitting, punching). Bill wants to get out of the relationship but apparently James is threatening to claim that HE was the one being abused by Bill (James is threatening to tell Bill’s family, grad school (they both are students at the same university but different programs), and employer). Bill is really not sure what to do because he doesn’t want to lose his nearly-finished degree or his job.
    Of course, I offered my support (emotional, practical, whatever) in any way possible, and helped discuss a plan for moving Bill out of their shared apartment ASAP and into some place where he should be safe.
    I’m not a lawyer so in no place to offer legal advice, but I did agree with him that contacting a lawyer in the next few days was a good idea to find out what his options are. I was wondering if anyone here had any suggestions of things Bill could do in this situation to protect himself? It doesn’t sound like he wanted to go to the police and press charges for DV. He just really wants out of the situation with as little damage from James’ threatened lies as possible.

    1. I’d be most worried about the school. They take relationship violence very seriously (which is good) but are reckless on due process for the accused (horrifying for the wrongly accused). If your friend is talking to a lawyer, make sure it is one who has expertise with schools.

       I don’t think that employers want to involve themselves in things like this (mine hasn’t, and it notoriously woke).

    2. Agreed – I would be most concerned about the school. As they’ve gotten more aware of relationship violence, they’ve tended to…overreach at times. It’s good in real situations of abuse, not so good for people who could or have been falsely accused. I’d guess James is aware of that.

    3. IMO, your friend should talk to a DV hotline that’s focused on the LGBT community before he talks to a lawyer. The counselors will be very familiar with the issues faced by men in abusive relationships with other men. There’s almost certainly one that’s local to you. If not, I just found 5 hits on the first page of a quick search for “Boston LGBT DV” that have online resources.

    4. Claiming to be the abused party is a classic abuser method/threat. (See Lundy Bancrofts book «why does he do that?» for chilling descriptions of the abuser mentality.)

       It might be a good idea for your friend to talk to a DV helpline ASAP (from a safe, non-abuser-tracable phone!) to talk to people who are spesialists in abusive relationships and KNOW how to make exit plans and how to handle the situation and good options and resources, what to document and how, and recognize these abuser methods. How to protect his money, passport etc as well.
       (There might be LGBTQ+ DV places that might have info about probabilty of homophobic backlash at authorities as well?)

    5. https://www.hrc.org/resources/sexual-assault-and-the-lgbt-community

       May be a starting point.

16. Going to a conference in Long Beach, CA in November. Looking for restaurant/bar recommendations – we won’t have a car, so we’ll probably use Lyft/Uber, so looking for recos close-ish to the convention center. Thanks!

    1. The Pot Holder is a very fun breakfast/brunch place that has good vegetarian/vegan items. You might have to wait but it’s worth it.

17. Planning a quick trip to Paris with 3.5 days “on the ground”. I’ve been twice before, but it’s been 15 years. I don’t have a lot of time to plan the trip and I’ll be meeting a relative there who can help with logistics. Where I’m overwhelmed is putting together itineraries on how to “soak up atmosphere” while I’m there. Cafes, little eateries, shops to check out. I’m into historical sites, holes in the wall, walking tours, things to photograph. I’m naturally suspicious of bloggers’ itineraries, but may need to look at some of those. How would you all plan this?

    1. I’d chill! It’s three days. Pick a few things you want to do, and then go wander. The delight of soaking up the atmosphere of Paris is that you don’t need an itinerary or to go to the Maximal Possible Atmospheric Places. I love gardens and museums so I’d be think about the Louvre one morning and then wandering through the Tuileries and then one day visiting the Musee D’Orsay and making my way down to the Luxembourg gardens by way of le bon marche and then one day do a massive walk from the marais to the opera to the parc monceau

    2. I just returned from a week there! It was great. I would get a museum pass, and then select a couple neighborhoods. You can go to the neighborhood, eat their best stuff, meander and then pop into the local museums.

    3. Honestly, I’d use Rick Steves’ Paris guide. We’ve had fantastic experiences with his walking tours all over Europe.

    4. We did a food tour through Paris by Mouth. I would recommend doing that in the neighborhood you are staying in. They will show you lots of cute little places in your neighborhood that you can go to for the rest of the time you are there.

       1. +1 also they have an amazing cheese tasting class that they do in their own little space that is super fun.

       2. We did this too! Was SO much fun!

    5. My favorite way to travel is to plan something for the morning, and then reserve the afternoon for wandering.

       We did a walking tour of Montmartre and it was delightful.

    6. I’d pick one-two neighborhoods to explore per day.

       Arrival day – get to know your neighborhood, have an early dinner (assuming you’re arriving from the US), do an evening Seine cruise.

       Full day suggestions-
       Day A – spend in the 7th. Eiffel photo op in the morning (don’t bother going up), wander over to Rue Cler for a nice cafe lunch, and then the Rodin or Army museum.
       Day B – classic Paris walk through St-Germain, Cite, and St-Louis. Stop in at the historical places that interest you. St. Chappelle is probably the prettiest church I’ve ever seen, especially on a bright day.
       Day C – morning exploring the Marais, have a luxe inventive lunch like Frenchie or Septime, then in the afternoon, either museums (Orsay or Orangerie are my favorites for art, but if you’re not big on Impressionists then those wouldn’t be your priority) or shopping and window shopping near Place Vendome…

       Other ideas that would fill a half-day – find your way to the Marmottan in the 14th (fewer Monets than they’d have you think, but it’s such a pleasant neighborhood to explore anyway), wander Luxembourg gardens and the shopping streets in that area, explore Montmartre and soak up the views.

    7. I’d check out timeout [point] fr, for whats on. Maybe some cool concert or exhibit you’d like to see will be on.

18. A few weeks ago my SO and I visited friends in Baltimore and had a great time. We dont go often and spent some time browsing neighborhoods and casually considered moving there in a few years. We were taken aback by how much cheaper the houses were (for renting but especially for owning) and our friends that live there love it. I mentioned this to my parents and a few friends and they were basically gasping in shock talking about how dangerous it was and foolish we’d be to move there (granted, they are pretty bougie to begin with). I know there are not so great parts but I really liked the neighborhoods we visited (Charles Village and Fells Point to name a few) and the community feel I havent experienced in other metropolitan cities (we’re in DC now). This is all super hypothetical and probably wouldnt happen for a few years as we enter our 30s/try to save some money.

    Could you guys share your unfiltered perspectives on Baltimore (from your own experience or even friends/family, etc.) and the neighborhoods there? I feel like I’m only getting extreme positive and negative perspectives from people we know.

    1. I’ve never lived there but have visited friends there several times. When I decided to leave DC, Baltimore was on my short list (I ended up returning to my home city instead).

       I have friends who live in some sketchy areas, but most live in Fells Point/Canton/Fed Hill and they all rent adorable row homes with beautiful finishes, parking, decks, etc for less than I pay even in Philly. They’re walking distance to bars/restaurants/shops/parks, etc. It seems like a super livable city.

       Cons: you need a car, as none of my friends trust taking public transportation.

       1. Anon 10:28 adding this –

          When I worked in DC, I actually knew several people who lived in Baltimore and took the MARC and worked in DC. They all commuted daily, which would be a lot. But, you and your husband could potentially keep your jobs and still relocated to Baltimore. I’d think that working remote 2-3 days a week and commuting to DC 2-3 days a week would be quite feasible.

    2. It has some gorgeous historic neighborhoods and much more of a neighborhood feel than somewhere in DC because it is much less transient. It has a sense of place, which I’ve loved. And it’s on the water.

       OTOH, my medical friends say you get awesome trauma training at Hopkins, so that’s not great for residents in some areas of the city.

       That said, it is so dysfunctional as a city re government services. I don’t know anyone with kids who uses Baltimore Schools (I think Baltimore County =/= Baltimore City). Like I think that DC has a better city government (less corruption, able to tackle some basics like trash, safety, schools). It’s hard because I’d love to see the city get better, but the people who abandon it for the suburbs do so because the city seems unfixable once schools fail you on top of everything else. But if you are DINK / SINK, I think it is really do-able.

       1. I posted below, but I send my kids to Baltimore city public schools, and know lots of other people who do. They are Hopkins professors, corporate lawyers, doctors, computer programmers – professional-class parents who care a lot of about education. There are definitely schools I wouldn’t send my kids to, but there are lots of them that are very good.

    3. I like Baltimore is in the place that most big cities were in during the early 2000’s – there are some safe neighborhoods and some unsafe neighborhoods, and you just have to be careful picking where to live. (Frankly, this is where most cities are now too, it’s just that the ratio of safe to unsafe neighborhoods is a lot higher now with more safe neighborhoods.)

       I don’t think there is any particular bad about Baltimore, and it’s reputation is undeserved assuming you pick a safe neighborhood. I would have no concerns about moving there, at least from a safety prospective. If you want to have kids, I would research the school system. I’ve heard bad things, but I don’t know how truthful or widespread that is.

    4. I live and work in the Baltimore suburbs (lower property taxes and better public schools in the burbs, if that matters to you); my husband works in the city. Baltimore is a smaller city than DC so the less nice areas and the nicer areas are a lot more tightly packed, but there’s also way fewer transplants than DC, so I think there is a more neighborhood-y feel. Crime/poverty feel a lot more visible in Baltimore (e.g. more people have some sort of first-hand or close second hand experience getting smart phones stolen on the light rail compared to DC, you see more homeless people on the street and you see more kids spraying windshields for cash etc.). But with some reasonable precautions, it’s a great place to live – fells point always feels really people in their 20s/bar-y to me, but I moved to the area when I was older, but I like going out there from time to time – Remington and Hampden can be fun too. Roland park is nice, but more expensive. A lot of friends lived in Catonsville right after graduating, too.

       Basically, spend more time there and see how you feel? I think the city is underrated personally.

    5. There is a reason it’s so so so much less expensive to live there. The city has some structural financial issues that spill over in all sorts of ways — poor schools, bad infrastructure. The jobs are far less plentiful than DC and generally at lower salaries. There is a ton of petty crime there.

       And yet, people who live there love it and will defend it to their last breath. There are great arts opportunities and it has real neighborhoods, similar to Chicago.

       1. “Similar to Chicago” sums it all up, the good and the bad (and the sports madness). It is a great city with a great heart. And Omar Little.

    6. Check on the housing situation when you buy – my understanding is that many of the homes in Baltimore proper on owned houses that sit on top of long-term ground leases. It’s a weird Baltimore idiosyncrasy that’s worth understanding.

    7. Some neighborhoods a great (Fells Point, Fed Hill, Canton, etc) and some are terrible. It has major pluses (great food, major sports teams, museums and theatre, easy access to airport and trains) and downsides (mostly a terrible reputation and dysfunctional city government). Housing is cheap but property taxes are really high (to make up for large portions of the city that are vacant). If you’re planning to have kids, I’d look closely at schools for the neighborhoods you’d want to live in. Like anywhere some are great and some are terrible. I love Baltimore (I don’t live there but in a smaller city nearby) and I think it’s at the beginning of a renaissance because so many people your age are moving there. I think it has much more of a soul than DC, more of it’s own culture and far fewer people that move there for a few years to work then go back to their hometowns

    8. I live and Baltimore and love it! Moved here for a job, and have been totally delighted by the city. It’s not DC/NYC/Boston, and it doesn’t want to be. People here mostly work to live. As someone who is temperamentally inclined to be a workaholic, it balances me nicely. I can live in a nice neighborhood (near a good public school) on a two-nonprofit-workers salary. There is good food and a vibrant art scene. The Baltimore Museum of Art is truly world class. The Symphony is terrific, although chronically having budgetary issues. Public transit is not great, but driving and parking is easy. Easy access to sailing and kayaking.

       So the biggest issue with Baltimore is that it is super segregated along lines of both race and class. This produces entrenched poverty and significant areas of high crime. However, there are plenty of middle-class neighborhoods that are as safe as comparable areas in any significant city. The worst thing we’ve ever had happen to us is getting our loose change stolen out of our car when we’ve parked it on the street and forgotten to lock it.

       If you plan on commuting to DC – or at least having the option to do so – I’d look at Bolton Hill and Station North. The former is nicer, the latter more artsy and a bit edgy. Both are walking distance to the train station. Alternatively, if you’d drive, Locust Point. You do need to think about how you’ll handle schools if you want to have kids, but the local schools for all of those neighborhoods, while not fancy, have a solid reputation. There are also a good number of charter schools, and private schools are way cheaper here than in most Northeast cities.

       If you ever want to start looking seriously, post a burner email here and I’d be happy to email more.

    9. I lived and worked in Baltimore for three years – late 2000s as a new college grad. The city was really fun and quirky. As a young 20-something there was a really fun going-out scene. I lived in Canton all three years but spent a good amount of time in Fells Point and Fed Hill, Hampden a bit and also Charles Village. The city was affordable and not intimidating – it felt relate-able and accessible from an interpersonal standpoint.

       I worked in a Very Dangerous part of town, if you ask anyone who knows anything about the city. Despite that, I got to know many people who called that neighborhood home and came to understand and appreciate the city’s history (as much as possible in just 3 years – really only scratching the surface). There are some phenomenal people in north and west Baltimore who are simply victims of institutionalized poverty, which leads to violence. gangs, poor schools, etc. Despite it’s challenges, there is a ton of pride for the city, but also a lot of hurt because of actions by city-level an state-level leadership.

       That all said, I would live in Baltimore again if I had to for work or for some other reason outside of just pure, independent choice. I wouldn’t go kicking in screaming if my company moved me there tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be thrilled. I loved the city and the role it played in early formative adult years for me. I appreciate it’s history and I understand why it is the way it is. But, from a sheer practical perspective, it’s not physically very accessible. The subway is very limited and extremely rough, so cars are definitely required and going for long walks (or jogs in my case) weren’t really an option. A former colleague once described the city as a bulls eye – you’d want to walk to/be alone at night in any of one set of rings, but not in the other set of rings… meaning, the cutesy, charming neighborhoods are largely islands, not well connected. I only felt truly comfortable walking a few block radius in each of those places, and not a block beyond. The growth of Harbor East has helped connected the Canton/Fells corner to the Inner Harbor, but I can’t imagine that kind of brute force gentrification ever really fixed anything.

       I think anyone whose gut reaction says “but it’s so dangerous!!!!” can be ignored . I know some very, very happy young professionals and young families that call Baltimore home. What’s going to be critical is really talking to people who live there and have lives like yours and get their thoughts. It’s 1000% not for everyone, but it’s the perfect fit for others.

       1. While I agree about the patchwork nature of the Baltimore neighborhood landscape, there are absolutely parts of the city where you can go for long walks and runs. Probably more in the north than elsewhere. But I regularly go on 3-5 mile runs at night, starting in Hampden and going north through Roland Park and Guilford. During the day, I walk or bike from Hampden to Remington, Station North, Charles Village, Mt Vernon, Bolton Hill, etc. I wouldn’t do all of those walks late at night, but into early evening it’s fine. And I can (and do) walk all over Hampden at night.

          All that said – yes, Baltimore is a city where you probably want a car, just because the public transit situation is limited. If you work downtown, it’s relatively easy to set up your life so that you can take the bus to work and back, but it would be frustrating to try to take advantage of the city on weekends without a car, unless you’re a pretty committed cyclist.

    10. From anecdata, Baltimore a great place if you need medical care for a range of serious conditions, and better than DC for at least some conditions. But, you probably already know that if you have those conditions.

    11. I’m a local and I get the shock and horror reactions still from relatives in the county, but it is a fantastic place to live. For a city it is fairly inexpensive. It has incredible food, drinks, art, and culture. It’s so convenient being 15 minutes from BWI or right next to the Amtrak. Check out Canton, Hamden, Remington (Clavel is the best restaurant in the city IMO), and Harbor East/Harbor Point if you come back.
        However, there are massive, systematic issues with the city that are hard to grasp til you look into the history and political landscape. If you want to educate yourself on those I’d recommend following local reporters, advocates, and historians on twitter. It can get a bit depressing, but I think it’s important to know about. There is also next to no reliable public transportation besides the water taxi. If you are looking to buy, absolutely be sure to look into groundrent as someone above mentioned (use a real estate agent who specializes in the city and ask them about it).

    12. I lived in Baltimore (in Hampden) for several years and loved the neighborhood. IMO the three biggest downsides of Baltimore are the lack of public transportation, the crime, and the racial segregation. I grew up in a DC suburb and was totally unprepared for how segregated Baltimore is. It’s really unsettling. And the demarcations between a safe area and unsafe area will sometimes shift from block to block. It’s much more of a patchwork of safe/unsafe areas than DC is. My neighborhood was pretty safe, but I knew lots of people in other neighborhoods who got mugged, and it was entirely normal to have your car window smashed or your place burglarized if you didn’t have bars on your windows. I took the bus and biked around a lot, and I was extremely careful. I managed to avoid any serious issues, but it involved a certain constant low level of stress that I don’t miss.

        The upside of course is that the housing stock is gorgeous and affordable, there is a vibrant creative community, and much more of a neighborhood feel. As others have said, people are not as transient as somewhere like DC, but the downside is it can be harder to make friends. People will commonly ask you where you went to school — and they mean high school.

        Bottom line, if I had to choose between living in the DC area outside the Beltway vs. living in the city in Baltimore, I would choose Baltimore. But I’m fortunate enough to be able to afford to live in DC proper and would only move back to Baltimore if DC became unaffordable for me.

19. Does anyone here actually go to work with no makeup on at all? Do you think people actually notice the difference?

    Some days I don’t have time to do it before I leave the house and then forget to use the makeup in my desk and end up going bare-faced all day. But, I think I’m naturally pretty and look fine without it! But wondering if this comes off so badly I should make more of an effort to avoid it.

    1. Yes all the time. People definitely notice the difference I just don’t care. I think I look fine, no one expects my male coworkers to wear makeup. If I have a meeting of particular importance I make the effort but for a day just sitting at my desk I usually don’t bother.

       1. this is what I do, at 32 with good skin. My workplace has a weirdly large spectrum from people wearing three-piece suits to washed out sweaters and sandals, and I fall into the more groomed third of that spectrum generally.

          1. I actually lol’d at this, as I could have written it myself, down to going into work without make up fairly regularly.

       2. Same here. In my early ’30s. Some other women definitely have noticed when I do wear it (comments like “Oh, you’re going to xyz event tonight? I thought you might have something going in because you’re wearing makeup today and you usually don’t”). Not sure about men.

          Biglaw office, business casual leaning toward casual dress.

    2. I live in a sunny, high-altitude place, so I use BB cream as sunscreen/moisturizer and try not to go outside at all without it on. But I rarely wear other makeup and no one at my casual dress office cares.

    3. I don’t – I work in finance, so sometimes client facing, but nobody has said anything to me. I do have eyelash extensions, but I also don’t think I look much different with or without makeup. Over the summer I stopped extensions completely, and felt weird for a week or so, but then got used to it. I am lucky to have good skin so I don’t wear face makeup even when getting fully done up – I keep my eyebrows neat, apply chapstick and moisturizer and that’s it.

    4. How old are you? Youth really helps. I’m 43 and if I don’t wear make up to work, then I look like I haven’t made an effort. Not so when I was younger.

       1. Yes, this is me. I went without makeup a lot until my mid-30s, when I largely gave up on make-up during pregnancy/postpartum for a few years. Now I’m 38 and realizing how much better/more professional I feel/look when I have something on my face. Not much – a little mascara and some primer/stick foundation, but it makes a difference. But if you can go without, go for it! I don’t think not wearing makeup to work is inherently unprofessional.

    5. The only makeup I wear on a daily basis is brow pencil. I don’t work in a fancy forward-facing job where I meet clients all day. My industry is pretty casual as well. I actually love makeup, but I’m too lazy.

    6. I used to be really into makeup and would wear a full face everyday. I’ve been kind of depressed lately and I hate my job, so I’ve stopped. I don’t think anyone’s noticed, but honestly most women at my office don’t wear makeup anyway, so that might be why.

    7. I’m an exec (at a technology company) and I have never worn makeup to work at my current job. I have trouble imagining anyone complaining about it or even noticing, though I’m sure I’d look more ‘done’ if I bothered with this. (I’m 42 fwiw, and really have never worn much makeup, and gradually gave up on it entirely.)

    8. I don’t go bare-faced because I look terribly ill without makeup on (which has been true since high school, when I went to school without makeup on one day and was asked all day if I was sick and needed to see the nurse).

       I just scanned down a list of female attorneys at the firm, and out of our 28 female attorneys, 8 of us regularly wear makeup. I’m not counting a single swipe of mascara and lip balm that I may or may not be able to tell is there, but actual makeup. FWIW, it’s generally the older women who don’t wear makeup and the younger ones who do. The older women here are mountain climbing, marathon running, I ain’t got time for your ish women, so it suits them :)

       1. Your description of the older women sounds like exactly the person I want to be, ha!

    9. I never wear make-up except for weddings if I’m in the bridal party. Most women at my office do not either (or if they do, it’s INCREDIBLY subtle). I would definitely look better with makeup but I don’t owe anyone pretty and my profession isn’t pageant queen so idgaf.

       1. This. I’m not paid to look pretty. Face paint does not add value to my life.

          1. Same here. I went through a brief spell where I felt like I “should” wear makeup, but there were zero benefits to me and lots of drawbacks. (It is expensive, it makes my skin and eyes itch, I hate the smell of it, I am awful at choosing colors, I feel like a clown with it on, my skill in applying it is abysmal, I sweat it off at the gym, and the list goes on.) Why bother when I am content with my natural face?

             1. Yes to all of that and also add the risk of using known endocrine disrupters, products containing lead, and products with known skin/eye irritants on your face daily! And that’s just the stuff we know about…

    10. I never wear makeup to work (I currently work in state government). I’ve never been client facing, and even if I were, I most likely still would not wear make up. It might make me look a little more awake some mornings, but I don’t care enough to bother. My clothes look good and my hair is usually under control, so I figure I look fine overall; makeup would just be an extra.

    11. Don’t wear make-up to work and haven’t since I was a second-year associate. No one cares and because no one at my firm has ever seen me with make-up, there have never been expectations/comparisons. (I work with a couple people who were at my wedding, and I wore light make-up there, but that’s it.)

    12. Most of my life I have gone without any makeup. Then 1st year or so in a new job in a new town, I wore foundation, mascara and well-blotted lipstick every day. I’m sure most of my coworkers couldn’t tell I was wearing makeup at all, because when I eventually quit wearing it, they noticed the difference but told me they didn’t know what caused it.

    13. I often skip makeup for work. If I know I have an important meeting, I’ll wear makeup. If I expect to spend the day typing in my office and interacting only with the one other person in my practice group and our assistant, I’ll skip makeup. I’m 35 and have good skin but major under-eye circles.

        I think I look fine without makeup and better with it.

    14. No makeup. Haven’t worn it regularly in years. Put it on only for special dressy occasions. I am routinely shocked by how much effort and money people spend on it. 41 years old.

    15. I’ve only worn makeup two or three times in my whole life; never to work.

    16. I notice when people don’t make the effort. I always wear it though- not because I owe anyone, but because I like to look my best.

        Not sure I understand some of these attitudes of signaling to the world that you don’t care enough about yourself to put effort into it.

        1. I care about myself very much and never wear makeup. One can be well groomed without it. I look and feel great every time I step out of the house.

        2. That’s such a weirdly rude and negative take on what had been a polite discussion. I care about myself oodles. Putting paint on my face has nothing to do with caring for myself or my job.

        3. To others, too much time and money spent on makeup signals that you are obsessed with appearances. How about we each try not judging the other?

           FWIW, the fact that I don’t wear makeup signals to me that I DO care a lot about myself. I know that I’m talented and worthy of respect even if I look a little tired or have uneven skin tone that day – just like the men in my office. I also care a lot about the time and money that I save from not participating in make-up rituals and I enjoy putting those savings into the things I love and care about.

        4. Caring about yourself can emphasize other stuff than one’s appearance.

        5. “To others, too much time and money spent on makeup signals that you are obsessed with appearances.”

           Who is judging who? Because I care about MY OWN appearance and it makes me feel good, then I am “obsessed’ with my appearance? My makeup routine takes 5 minutes, and I do it in the car on the way to work. I wear Revlon and L’oreal, not exactly breaking the bank.

           I don’t judge people for not wearing any makeup, but I do notice…I have no issues with someone that doesn’t wear makeup, but I certainly don’t get the attitude of I care, but I’m too lazy so I don’t care, people can kiss off. Like the “no one says anything about me looking bad so I just don’t wear it.” Well, probably no one would say anything if I wore stained sweatpants to work, and I would still be performing at the same level but I don’t do that.

           1. You are the one who decided to be hostile here.

              1. How is this hostile?

                 “I notice when people don’t make the effort. I always wear it though- not because I owe anyone, but because I like to look my best.

                 Not sure I understand some of these attitudes of signaling to the world that you don’t care enough about yourself to put effort into it.”

              2. here is the part that is offputting:
                 ‘signaling to the world that you don’t care enough about yourself to put effort into it’
                 We are not signaling anything by not spending time on a particular grooming ritual. We’re not not wearing makeup AT YOU. We’re just not wearing it. Presumably, we already put significant effort by washing, getting dressed and taming our hair. If we skipped any of those, that might be a signal.

              3. “you don’t care enough about yourself”

                 ^^^It’s this part. It’s the implication that people who don’t wear make up a) don’t care about themselves or are signaling to the world that they don’t.

                 You really needed that spelled out for you? <– see, hostile, because I implied that you're disingenuous and/or stupid.

              4. Sorry, just not understanding why taming our hair is a signal but skipping makeup is not.

           2. She was making a point that judgement can go both ways. You claim to not judge not wearing makeup but literally compared it to wearing sweatpants…how is that not judgmental?

              I personally find it odd that you notice when people don’t wear makeup. I usually wear light makeup and definitely look better with it on but often don’t wear it. I’m far more likely to “notice” that someone has “done” their makeup than isn’t wearing any.

              1. No, I said I could wear sweatpants and shun making an effort to wear something that might be less comfortable or require more time to put on, but I don’t. Just like all these people said they look better wearing makeup and chose not to. What point does that prove?

                 I truly don’t care if people wear makeup or not, but yes I notice. Does it signal something greater than that? No. My point was that I don’t understand the ATTITUDE of trying to prove some point by not wearing it. I understand there are valid reasons that someone might not wear makeup or it might not be necessary. I just don’t think it proves or signals that something like everyone on here thinks it does. This attitude of “i don’t wear any bc IDGAF…”

                 I wish people on here could READ. I said I don’t understand the “attitude” not that I don’t understand reasons why people wouldn’t wear it.

                 But thanks to everyone out there judging me for wearing it.

        6. I notice when people spend lots of time and money on makeup. I wonder why their priorities are so nuts and/or they’re so insecure in themselves. To each their own.

           1. I just like to wear makeup because I like the way I look with it, not because I’m insecure.

           2. That’s pretty judgmental of you. How about you worry about yourself?

        7. I know this place skews heavily towards Big Law, but you should still keep in mind that your view is incredibly field-specific.

           I wear safety glasses in an R&D lab a large part of the day. Smears and drips would abound if I wore cosmetics. What you see as “making the effort” would be seen as a messy, frivolous time-waster in my industry.

           1. I said I don’t understand some of the attitude against making an effort, not that everyone should. And that I notice when people don’t do it. Sorry, but it stands out in my field just like having a made up face would look wrong in another.

              1. The idea that, for women, wearing makeup is synonymous with “making an effort” needs to die in a fire. How many things do I (and most women) “make an effort” to do regularly? Gym; yoga; hair cuts; healthy food; hair dye; eyebrow plucking; leg shaving; body hair removal; expensive clothes; a variety of clothes; uncomfortable clothes (same for shoes); expensive skin care products; lengthy skincare regime; washing, blow drying, and styling my hair every morning; jewelry; keeping a nice clean car; keeping a nice clean purse; manicures…..

                 And I *am* someone who wears a little makeup to work.

              2. The reason it is synonymous with making an effort is because it does take effort.

        8. My face’s natural state is not a signal to the world that I don’t care about myself. If you truly feel that way, well, I feel sorry for you.

           1. +1. Anyone who feels that way is not someone whose opinion I care about.

    17. I am an engineer in a high tech company. I have never work make up to work. Most of my female engineer friends/colleagues don’t wear make up. I have lot of facial hair (PCOS) ,bushy eye brows and frizzy hair which make me feel self conscious, so I take care of that regularly/properly.

    18. Yep, 41 and often public facing. My face is what it is. I don’t have the time or inclination to deal with makeup.

    19. 39 and virtually never wear makeup, although I do use tinted lip gloss (Sugar or Dior LipGlow).

    20. Most of the time I slap on bb cream but definitely not always. On my team of 8 women, probably 3 never wear makeup.

    21. I have never, not once, went to work without makeup on. I don’t really wear heavy makeup but do foundation, lash extender, mascara, powder, blush, and setting spray. It takes me about 10 minutes total in the mornings. I have a public facing role and I just feel better with my makeup done.

    22. I have never went to work without makeup on. As long as I can lift a hand to my face, it isn’t happening. My routine takes me about 10 minutes and I wear foundation, lash extender, mascara, powder, blush, and setting spray. I work in a public facing role and I just feel better with my makeup on. I tend to treat Sunday as my makeup free day to let my face “breathe”.

    23. You don’t have to wear makeup to work. I wear it because I like it and because I’ve always needed to cover up aspects of my skin that are problematic (used to be cystic acne, now it’s rosacea)

        Not wearing makeup is kind of clear skin privilege, but if you feel great in your skin, go for it!

        I do notice women who don’t wear makeup, but not in an unfavorable way, more of a clear-skin-envy kind of way.

        I could do with less judgment on both sides.

        1. Clear skin privilege isn’t a thing. I have rosacea and I don’t wear make-up. Neither do many other women and (most) men with rosacea. I don’t think anyone has to “love the skin they’re in,” but I do accept the skin I’m in and it’s been absolutely NBD. You can also work on skin care to address specific problems (e.g., facewash, Accutane, whatever is needed) without wearing make-up.

           1. Yeah, or she could just wear makeup like she wants to do. I love how people on here treat makeup like it’s the devil and suggest ACCUTANE as an alternative.

           2. Clear skin privilege is absolutely a thing. Just because you love your skin, and you haven’t felt judged doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t.

           3. Clear skin privilege is a thing. Many people who haven’t experienced dermatological conditions assume they’re evidence of poor hygiene (and often of poor character as well).

           4. HAHA face wash? Wow, why didn’t I think of that? All my problems could be solved by washing my face? To think of the years and dollars I’ve spent at multiple dermatologists when I could just wash my face?

              Clear skin privilege is absolutely a thing. I’m happy for you if you have clear skin but I don’t, and I’m going to use makeup to cover what I can’t cure.

              Face wash tho. Hahaha

              1. I said I have rosacea in my post! The point is it’s completely possible to have a skin condition and still not wear make-up. I do it every day.

    24. Yes, daily no makeup. 36, attorney for 10 years. I present as polished with an undyed haircut and no split ends, tailored clothing in the appropriate size/lengths. I occasionally wear makeup on for appellate oral arguments/federal court with jury or if I’m a guest at a wedding. I also never wear heels taller than 2.5″ and rarely wear them at all, but my flats/boots are classic shapes and well maintained.

        I do spend money/time on skin care –
        AM: wash face with foaming soap & clarisonic, vitamin c serum, eye cream, spf 45 moisturizer.
        PM: clean face with toner, tretinoin cream or drunk elephant tlc serum, eye cream, night moisturizer.

    25. I wear full makeup every day (concealer, foundation, powder, blush, highlighter, eyeliner, various eyeshadows, mascara, lipstick). I don’t do brows because I like my natural brows. I wear it because like wearing makeup, but also because I look way too young without makeup.

    26. Also at a firm. Don’t wear makeup unless I have a client meeting or court hearing that day. I do notice associates who wear makeup all the time. For whatever reason, I can never become good friends with those who wear makeup every day. They all seemed a little more catty and mean girl ish in my experience. Not to say everyone who wear makeup is, but that has been my experience in law firms. All my good female lawyer friends do not wear makeup on a daily basis.

    27. Yes, a bb or cc cream plus mascara,eyeliner, blush or bronzer and a lip gloss or tint – which is my daily “minimum”, and heavier if client facing that day – foundation, brows, etc.

    28. I wear light makeup to even out my skin tone and add blush (b/c I’m pale and blotchy) but I have completely given up on eye makeup. You can’t see my upper lid or lash line when my eyes are open, it makes my eyes itch, and I think it is a waste of time to apply and remove. My morning routine must take approximately 3 minutes or less per morning so there is no room for liner. Many of the women I work with do the lashes/liner routine, at least, but I do not. Hope that doesn’t impact my career but probably no longer care (as it does not appear to impact my ability to tell men what we have to do and be heard, and that matters to me more).

20. I’ll be in Houston next week for a conference, at the convention center. Is there anything to do around there that is walkable? I assume I’ll make use of Uber/Lyft, but was wondering if there’s anything nearby to do or eat or drink during a 2-3 hour break.

    Also, it’s going to be hot, isn’t it? Sigh. I hate conferences in hot climates where you have to dress for hot outside and freezing inside (assuming Houston is a “generous” with AC as DC is).

    1. Actually, a front is coming through so you might have pretty nice weather in Houston next week. Discovery Green is right in front of the convention center, so you can walk around there. Just google discovery green. Also, you could take a short Uber to The Cistern – very cool (google it too) – Houston’s underwater treatment…check it out. There’s a fun restaurant that I like to go to called Irma’s Southwest Grill, great food. Also check out Treebeards for some good southern cooking (famous for red beans n’ rice) and they have several locations downtown (I like the one in the church the best). Depending on how long you’ll be in Houston, you could Uber to the Galleria if you’re in the mood for some shopping. If you have a little more time Uber to 19th street in the Heights (google it) – lots of fun shops and restaurants and a short Uber from downtown. Good luck and have fun!

    2. Yes. Houston is disgustingly hot right now, sorry. Hopefully next week will be more like in the 80s, but that’s still plenty hot for walking outside in conference attire.

       The convention center is walkable to Discovery Green, which is a nice park that hosts lots of events. And it’s close to Minute Maid Park and the Toyota Center, so there are plenty of food/drink options — maybe Yelp for a cool local cafe you can check out. Aside from that, unfortunately, Houston isn’t exactly known for its walkability.

    3. Thanks to both of you, that’s a good start and few more options than I had thought there will be.

    4. The Rustic is a great new restaurant with indoor/outdoor seating and live music at certain times of the day. It’s walkable from the convention center and is a great spot for a drink and an appetizer or a full out meal.

    5. There’s not really much to walk to in downtown Houston after the work day is over- it kind of seems like no one really lives there. For food, I liked hitting up the many Vietnamese places. I’ve walked to several from that area – Les Givrals is one but there are a bunch in that location. However, every time I saw approximately 0 people on my walk there if that tells you anything – kind of like a ghost town unless I had bad luck.

       During the day, there’s an underground tunnel system if you don’t want to walk around outside.

21. I have a day trip business trip this week. I’ll be gone for approximately 18 hours and will be in meetings/trainings, a networking session and then dinner/drinks. I’ll be traveling on Amtrak.

    What are your tips? I’m pretty new to business trips but this is my first one that’s a long day trip. Thank you!

    1. Bring a portable charger and choose your shoes wisely. I like to bring my desk toiletries (mini hairbrush, lipstick & compact, mini deodorant, travel mouthwash or mints, eye drops) to do a quick freshen-up in the bathroom before dinner.

       Based on your agenda and mode of travel, it doesn’t sound like there is a risk you’ll end up staying over, but if you were flying or attending a deal negotiation that might go long, I’d suggest bringing what you’d need to stay overnight.

22. Since I know there are a ton of lawyers on here, I thought you might have advice on this. I am not a lawyer and have no legal training, but I now work for a company that services the law industry. Is there a good book/article that I can read that basically explains at a high level “here’s how the legal process and industry works”? The last time I touched this was in high school civics class, so I know the broad strokes about civil/criminal, juries and whatnot. But I’m looking for one more level of detail. TIA!

    1. Legal process and legal industry are two very different topics. For the former, honestly, a high school civics class text book is probably your best bet. For the latter, I’d recommend reading American Lawyer magazine online. It’s focused on big law and midlaw, but I suspect that’s who your business is selling to.

23. Does anyone have experience with buying a house in a high risk flood zone? We’re under contract for a house and the lender just came back and said that due to our flood zone, they would be requiring flood insurance. There’s a creek behind the yard so obviously we checked the FEMA map prior to putting an offer in, and our house was out of the federally-designated flood zone…but the lender just dug up a map from the city where the back third of the house is included. The property is on an upward slope that gets steeper towards the house, so we’re looking into an elevation certification to see if that would help. The inspection found no signs that the basement has ever had water damage.

    The flood insurance would push the monthly costs out of our budget and we would have to back out over it (the average yearly cost is $7,000 so that’s almost $600/month more). The house otherwise seems like a total unicorn so that would be a huge bummer. Our real estate agent says we have a good case to push back on the requirement given the elevation and the conflict with the FEMA map, but I have no idea how probable that is. Has anyone had experience with something like this? (And obviously we also don’t want to buy a house that’s going to be at a high risk of flooding, but given the elevation and the lack of evidence of any historic water damage, it seems a little…improbable.)

    1. I wouldn’t risk it without insurance. Were you here for Gaston?

       1. The house has been through all the big hurricanes and from all appearances it has never gotten wet, which is why I’m slightly more skeptical of the whole thing.

          And yes, I was around for Gaston. I definitely do take this seriously.

    2. FEMA grants these all the time so it’s definitely possible but do you want to take the risk of being uninsured?

       1. No, we definitely don’t want to be uninsured! We’re just trying to figure out what our options are, since the initial estimates for the flood insurance have been pretty eye-popping.

          1. Flood insurance is expensive because only people in flood zones buy it so there’s not a lot of spreading of risk (it’s like only bad drivers buying auto insurance). There are government subsidies so it’s not actuarially as expensive as it should be, which is a whole can of worms because it’s a regressive tax in a way – waterfront houses tend to be owned by affluent homeowners and the average Joe is paying taxes for their flood insurance, but I digress.

             Given you are in a flood zone and given that your regular homeowners insurance will not cover any flood damage, I would not advise you to buy this house without buying flood insurance. Climate change is increasing the severity of flooding so historical maps and experiences are less meaningful.

             This is probably why your house is a “unicorn” – the market price reflects this risk.

    3. Have you shopped around for other quotes? We’re on a (tiny) peninsula that juts out into the Chesapeake Bay, and our house sits back 100 yards from the water, and our flood insurance is only $900 annually. Our peninsula is regularly inaccessible during hurricanes, etc, because of flooding that covers the only road in and out, but the house sits in a little protected nook and is a bit elevated and is fine.

       1. FWIW, our insurer is some teeny tiny local company that only insures in the surrounding counties. I think I remember DH saying he called a big company and got some astronomical quote – we ultimately needed someone local who knew and understood our area and how the water behaves here, not someone hundreds of miles away looking at a map.

          1. Good idea. I just called the FEMA hotline and got a referral for an insurance provider who’s one area code over. We’ll see what they say.

    4. With regards to the flood risk, I would look more into how the city map was created and what factors were considered, and why it differs from the FEMA map. If FEMA doesn’t put the house in a 100 year flood zone, I’m surprised the city would put it in a flood zone.

       With regards to the mortgage, I would pursue a dual track of trying to resolve things with this lender and applying to new lenders. I’m surprised that a lender did any more due diligence than checking the FEMA maps. Is this a small local bank or credit union? Maybe try a big national company. If you are not in a FEMA flood zone, I strongly suspect that you can get a mortgage without a flood insurance requirement.

       1. Yes, it’s a small local lender. We steered away from the mega-banks because we’ve heard some nightmarish stories, but it might be worth looking into.

    5. I am in Dallas and am in a 100-year flood plain. I lender (and I think all) required flood insurance. The initial quote for mine was ~$3500/year. I got an elevation survey and dropped it to $450/yr.

       1. That is really good to hear! We’re looking into elevation surveys now.

    6. My husband and I used to live in a similar setting – above a creek with a steep elevation up to the house. Our house was not in a FEMA flood zone or any other flood zone map, so our insurance didn’t require flood insurance, but we got it anyway. First, flood zones are constantly evolving, and you don’t want to gamble that things haven’t changed (more erosion, different stream flow, etc.) since the FEMA flood map was done, especially since many are dated. It’s even possible that the city map is more accurate. Second, historic floods happen (in our area with increasing frequency). There was a 1,000 year flood while we lived at that house. The entire flood plain (about 0.5 miles across) filled up, and while the water didn’t quite reach our house, it got close enough (basically to the garage entrance) that it was terrifying. I have rarely felt that helpless. I was at least reassured that, had we flooded, we had the insurance to help. But it definitely changed my mind about thinking that the high elevation behind our house and the big flood plain (or the FEMA map) would make a difference.
       Not trying to scare you. Just wanted to relay that story. There were a lot of positives about living on a creek, but the experience was enough to convince us that we didn’t want to do it again.
       Also, if you google USGS water data and the name of the stream, you can get a sense of trends in terms of flooding and how high the water can be at times, and how fast the stream flow can be. Things you learn when you live on a creek.

       1. Thanks, this is good information. I looked at the USGS map and it looks like water levels have only been super-high twice in the last 40 years, and again, based on the information we have the house came through both of them with no damage.

    7. I have a home in a flood zone (one row back from a major body of water on the East Coast) and our flood insurance is only $600 per year. If this property is being assessed as a $7,000 per year risk, I think it would be crazy to be uninsured.

       1. $7,000 was an average I saw googling. We had our first quote come back since my original post and it was definitely not that high! We’ve submitted some additional quote requests and are costing out the elevation certification.

          1. A corner of my land (small city lot) is in a higher risk flood zone, but the actual house is not. Accordingly, my lender requires flood insurance, but the cost isn’t terribly high. The premiums are based on the flood risk of the house, not the landscaping (which isn’t covered).

             I feel better having flood insurance just in case because I don’t want to self-insure for flood damage and climate change makes floods more likely.

    8. You can get a letter of map revision (LOMR) or letter of map amendment (LOMA) to get the property taken out of the federal flood zone, so you can dispense with the insurance requirement.

       1. Thanks, I’ll look into those.

    9. I’m outside of New Orleans. Our house is in FEMA’s 100 year flood plain and is 2-3 feet below sea level. We have flood insurance, and it’s around $1000 per year (for $250K building, $100K contents, with a $1250 deductible), so definitely look for other quotes. $7000 is around what a friend of mine pays for a property in FEMA’s “high risk” category.

       1. Thanks, this is helpful! It’s adjacent to a FEMA 100-year flood plain and the city has it in a 100-year flood plain, so it is definitely not categorized as a high risk zone.

    10. Have you gotten an NFIP quote? I can’t imagine a premium being that high if you aren’t in a FEMA flood zone. I work in insurance and I am a firm believer in flood insurance. The saying is that if it rains at your house then you need flood insurance. Inland flooding has been happening much more than before and I wouldn’t risk living that close to a creek without flood insurance. Remember your homeowners won’t cover rising waters at all.

    11. I own a house in a 100-year flood zone and I am required under the terms of my mortgage to buy flood insurance. From what I have heard, flood insurance rates are determined, in part, by the government, and they are expected to sharply increase in the coming years. As you figure out what you can afford, do not assume that the flood insurance premium will just increase with cost of inflation — you should consider the possibility that it will get a lot worse.

        1. This is a really great point that we had not considered.

24. Winter weather boot recommendations?

    I’m in NYC. I want something warm and water proof that will be good for commuting on snowy-slushy days and also for being outdoors for a while with my kid on slowy-slushy days. My feet get REALLY cold so I want something very warm with room to add a wool sock, too. Not too heavy — I have the Joan of Arctic boots and find them hard to wear because they are so heavy. I love my classic Uggs for the warmth but am semi-embarrassed to wear them. Any recommendations? Bean boots lined in shearling?

    1. I love La Canadienne Waterproof Boots — chic, super warm and so comfy! I wear them to commute in Chicago-like weather all winter and they are still going strong after six years. https://www.lacanadienneshoes.com/us/waterproof-boots

    2. I have the Sorel Tivoli which are much lighter than the Joan’s but still so warm.

    3. FWIW, Ugg makes styles now that aren’t so 2003. I have an OTK black suede pair that I ADORE – this is this year’s version. You’d need to waterproof them against slush but they are the coziest things ever.

       https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ugg-classic-femme-over-the-knee-wedge-boot-women-wide-calf/5319352?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=chestnut%20suede

25. Cross posting to this wise hive,
    Please help with an earring and necklace combination for this dress. I’m attending a family weeding this weekend. I am terrible at this! Thanks! https://www.lordandtaylor.com/karl-lagerfeld-paris-tulip-three-quarter-sleeve-scuba-dress/product/0500089370496?R=190169385060&P_name=Karl+Lagerfeld+Paris&sid=16DA69ABFC81&Ntt=karl+lagerfedled+dress&N=0

    1. I would gold with a bold earring and no necklace. Something like these: https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/gas-bijoux-onde-drop-earrings-prod220120063?ecid=NMAF__rewardStyle&CS_003=5630585&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=NMAF__rewardStyle

       Another option would be a long sautoir-style necklace with delicate earrings. Maybe a necklace like this? https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/kendra-scott-rue-long-station-necklace/5275551?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FAccessories%2FJewelry%2FNecklaces&color=rhodium%2F%20white%20cz

       1. thank you! those earrings are great!

    2. Pretty! I’d wear a long-ish, delicate gold necklace and whatever small-ish earrings seem to go well.

    3. Hello! I think a long chain or pendant that ends past the bust would look great with this neckline. If that’s not your thing, something that ends just above would work as well. As for earrings, if you go with the long necklace, I would probably go with a stud/not-very-dangly earring in a coordinating metal. This color would look lovely with gold, I think, but silver would work fine!
       Maybe something like this:
       https://www.lordandtaylor.com/sole-society-goldtone-and-crystal-baguette-circle-pendant-necklace/product/0500089446103?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302027866&R=192151572731&P_name=Sole+Society&N=302027866+4294964248+4294964880+4294888664&bmUID=mSBra5t
       Or if you like something more dainty:
       https://www.lordandtaylor.com/nadri-sirena-goldtone-strand-necklace/product/0500089494253?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302027866&R=664293454607&P_name=Nadri&N=302027866+4294964248+4294964880+4294888664&bmUID=mSBra5k
       Or something shorter:
       https://www.lordandtaylor.com/shade-goldtone-double-hoop-necklace/product/0500089389956?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302027866&R=743737396823&P_name=Shade&N=302027866+4294964248+4294964880+4294888664&bmUID=mSBra5M

    4. I might skip the necklace and do dangly earrings and a fun bracelet.

       1. + 1 to statement earrings and no necklace

26. Anyone have experience ordering from Thursday Boot Company or know any reason why I shouldn’t order these?

    https://thursdayboots.com/products/womens-downtown-bootie-black?collection=womens-boots-booties

    I have never really heard of them before, but these seem like exactly the boots I’m looking for…

    1. Following. I have seen so many ads for them and their boots look gorgeous.

       1. Also following.. the boots are so pretty.

    2. I’ve ordered chelsea boots from Thursday. I love them. They’re comfortable and sturdy. I had a question about sizing, and they’re customer service was great. I’m a fan!

    3. I ordered a pair that I found very comfortable and easy to wear, but the sole started peeling away at the front of both boots after about a month of wear. I superglued them back on and continued to wear them, but won’t buy again. I think you largely get what you pay for in terms of quality.

    4. My DH has a pair of the mens and likes them. His pair looks like good quality to me.

27. I need to replace my embarrassingly old ski jacket & pants. Any recommendations on brands/specific items, or great websites or specific stores to check out to get a good deal? I’m on the West Coast.

    Should I wait until Black Friday to see if there are any great deals, or are there none in this category since that is exactly when people buy this stuff for the upcoming season? (I did try to buy this past March thinking I’d get a great end of season sale, but found the inventory was so picked over by then the only options were things I wasn’t thrilled with).

    I’d love to not spend too much unnecessarily, but since I will probably have these for years I’m willing to pay up if need be for the right stuff. Specifically I’m looking for a fairly high degree of waterproofness, warmth, I’m a nerd that ideally loves a coordinated matching look if I can but nothing too obnoxious, & ideally not an all black outfit so the people I’m skiing with (re: my kids) can more easily identify me on the slopes :)

    Thanks! Probably too much detail & I am way overthinking.

    1. FWIW, I was just at Costco yesterday and they had adult snowpants (plain black) from Gerry for $30. A million kids’ snowsuits if you need them.

       1. $30 snow pants aren’t going to last. You should go to REI and see which of their brands fit you best. I’ve had decent look with The North Face and Marmot for ski pants, but I know that others like Patagonia. Patagonia is also a good company to support if you are an environmentalist.

       2. Thanks! Maybe not for me (although I do actually trust Costco to sell quality stuff, even for a low price) but I will definitely at least look for my kids.

    2. I would try to find these secondhand — they’re the type of thing that people wear once and never again. Look on FB Marketplace or at a local consignment shop. It’s also more environmentally friendly to buy used! I’d also Google “buy used ski gear”.

       1. Used is always good and you can actually find some used stuff at REI that you know will be decent quality, but OP didn’t mention being only an occasional skier. It sounds like she’s had her own gear and used it for a long time but that it’s worn out. In those cases, buying quality (even if you can’t find used) is typically better.

          OP, you can also check out Eddie Bauer. They’ve started making more performance outerwear in recent years and the costs are reasonable.

          1. Thank you both! I hadn’t even thought of Eddie Bauer. I will check it out.

             Used hadn’t occurred to me either. I will definitely check, thank you for reminding me that’s an option. That being said, the technical nature of this product would make me nervous to go this route: a) I’m assuming most used will not have the full accurate technical aspect specs available that I would ideally like to know (warmness/waterproofness level etc.) & b) how you care for this stuff matters, i.e. you can ruin the waterproofness if you don’t wash it right & it would be impossible to know if the seller did that or not.

             1. You’re welcome and one final trip – check out evo.com and also the discount site steep and cheap!

    3. I’ve oddly found random sizes and color of well-known ski brands to be super on-sale on Amazon. Especially for kids. I just got the littlest one a set of cute Burton gear for less than half the regular price.

       Also, I’m a US6 – US8 and I find that a girls size 16/XL fits me just fine and is MUCH cheaper than the women’s option.

       Finally, I do want to caution against going too cheap. I’d pick basic colors in nice gear with the goal or wearing it for years and years. I do NOT want to be cold, wet or uncomfortable. Think about whether you want waterproof shell pants/jacket or insulated. Do you want pit zips (I say YES) to cool off after long runs? Do you have a good pocket to store your phone (exterior pocket leads to near instantaneous batter death in the cold, nicer jackets have a good, easily accessible interior pocket)? A powder skirt (that little rubber coated skirt that snaps closed under your jacket) is great for keeping snow out when you fall, which means you are dry and not wet and miserable.

    4. What about using the color of your accessories and sweater so folks can find you? My mom went with red and I still think of her when I see a hat with a red pom pom.

       1. Hehe, my mom made us all matching fleece gaitors out of flowered Polarfleece. I still look for those even though most of them bit the dust years ago. And my dad still wears a banana-yellow ski coat.

    5. REI and Backcountry.com both have good holiday sales (like, for EVERY holiday) – and if you look at their sales sections, they have tons of last years stuff on sale right now. Actually, I just checked, and Backcountry has a whole “Winter Clearance” section right now – will post link below. Patagonia also does periodic site wide sales (and price honors within a week or two if you buy something and then the price goes down). Brand-wise, Patagonia, North Face, Mammut (my current jacket, which I LOVE), Marmot, Arc’teryx (if you’re feeling extra spendy), and Mountain Hardware are all solid choices. I would not go with the Costco pants – probably fine for playing in the backyard on a snow day, but I’d be concerned about waterproofing and longevity. No idea about Eddie Bauer’s current offerings, but it’s not a brand I’ve really noticed people wearing skiing – I’ve always thought of it more as outdoor casual wear than technical apparel. For context, I have a season pass to the mountain my brother ski patrols at, and also do some backcountry touring (and all but my actual jacket and shell pants do double duty rock climbing), so I use my gear a lot and and in some less than ideal conditions – the above brands are what I personally buy, because they’ve held up really well for me.

       1. https://www.backcountry.com/rc/winter-clearance?rp=discountPercentUSbcs%3A%5B10+TO+*%5D&nf=1

       2. I’m the poster who recommended Eddie Bauer and I previously had that perception as well (that it’s more casual) and a lot of their stuff still is, but they have some great newer gear designed for backcountry skiing (and they sponsor several well-known mountaineers and extreme skiers). I have one of their jackets and found it perfect for a one-day backcountry ski tour.

          1. Oh interesting, I was (clearly) unaware that they’d made that shift! Good to know. :)

    6. I love my ski pants–Ninas from Flylow. I’m short with an athletic build and prominent rear, and a lot of ski pants from other brands don’t fit. The Ninas are windproof, waterproof (even the zippers), comfortable, and flattering. They are unlined so great for both resort and backcountry days in all temps/weather conditions (they fit extra layers underneath and have a side zip for venting). I got mine on sale at Steep & Cheap or maybe REI. Highly recommend if your body is at all like mine. My friend with a similar body also likes Outdoor Research. She has the bibs, which are AWESOME if you are a backcountry skier lady because they allow for a first class peeing experience, but they are $$$ and probably not necessary if you plan to stay resortside. Anyway, I think I’ve written enough about this topic. Cheers!

28. Around what year do you go from junior associate to midlevel to senior associate? Is there a formal distinction at your firm? I’mat a firm that lumps everyone into “attorneys” and wondering if I should refer to myself (class of ’13) as a midlevel or senior associate.

    1. It’s not a formal title (like if someone put, say “Mid-Level Associate” on their resume or Linkedin I would see that as very weird), everyone is called “associate,” but I think of junior as years 1-2, mid-level 3-5, senior 6+. But it’s also role-based – if you are typically not the most senior associate on a deal or case, you’re effectively a mid-level even if “senior” in years’ experience.

       1. +1 I don’t think of the distinction by class year but by how you are staffed.

    2. My firm has a formal distinction between an “Associate” and “Senior Counsel”. The cut-off is usually 5 years of practice because a lot of our clients pay in three tiers for attorneys: associate; senior counsel; partner. (The idea being that a senior counsel can do the same task in less time.)

    3. At magic circle, there is a formal distinction between junior or mid and then senior. Senior is a promotion one can get after a minimum 5-6 PQE, some take longer.

    4. ’13 must be a senior associate by now. At some firms, class of ’12 is up for partner this year.

29. For the first time ever, I am maxing out my 401k and traditional IRA. No more student loan debt, just a mortgage at 4.5%. My emergency savings is funded, no HSA offered at work and no kids (so no 529). I know how fortunate I am to be in this position, but I’m also lost. I’ve never had money before to have to manage it. What do I do next? I know I shouldn’t just leave it in a savings account, but where do I put it?

    1. 4.5% is high enough that I’d definitely consider throwing some of it at your mortgage. After that, a taxable brokerage account. How much you want to do in each will depend on your tax situation, housing situation, and risk tolerance.

    2. sign up for the YNAB investing course if you want to get the fundamentals of putting money into ETFs. It’s something like an email a day over two weeks or so, laying out the basic knowledge. Then you’d know enough to get a Vanguard account and get started.

       1. Oh YNAB has a bunch of resources! Thanks for that suggestion. I tried bogleheads and mmm but was in way over my head.

30. PSA for anyone using NuFace and sick of paying $$$ for their proprietary conductive gel. I recently bought a giant bottle of ultrasound gel for I think $13 and it works just as good.

    1. Please tell all: does NuFace work? Do you see changes / improvements on your face???

       1. In theory Microcurrents (electrical currents) penetrate the skin/muscles (read irritate), prompting the skin to work to repair itself and generate more collagen than it normally would, preventing/correcting sagging. I use mine most days, and I don’t notice dramatic lifting, but when I skip it for a while (such as vacation), my skin does look less plump and more haggard/saggy. I usually get the NuFace Gel from Ulta when they have a 20% off coupon, and find that the big bottle really lasts a long time, so I’ve not looked for an alternative.

31. I am Senior Associate (Finance and Real Estate) from a major southeast city looking to transfer to DC/Northern Virginia for a myriad of personal and professional reasons. I’ve sent out a few resumes in connection with open positions I’ve seen online, but haven’t gotten any bites yet. Any advise on local recruiters, etc.? I am currently at at 250+ firm, so I’m not coming from small law (though I did go to a more regional law school).

32. Hive, I know I’m posting this late but I really need advice. I’m in the running for a sales position and the next step is learning about their product and doing a demo for the founders. It’s a decent amount of work. The hiring manager just emailed me and the other candidates together and now we all have each other’s names and emails. I want to withdraw from the process over this but keep the door open in case they improve later. How do I do this? Thanks.

    1. I’m in sales and never been asked to learn and pitch a product before I was hired….and i’ve been in various sales roles for a very long time. Between that and the clumsy email with all of the candidate names, I think you should withdraw. I can understand wanting to keep the door open….just write a kindly note that thanks them for the opportunity to interview for the position, that after careful evaluation you have determined it is not the right time to make a move to a new job, could we please keep in touch regarding opportunities in future?

    2. Check AskAManager and search the archives for bad interviewer practices. She has some good scripts on how to push back when it’s a decent amount of work at too early of a stage in the interview. Depending on how much information you have about the company, I’d be concerned about putting in that level of free work when you’re not sure you’d like to work there.

    3. Thank you both so much! I withdrew and said I had other opportunities that were a better fit, so I didn’t want to waste their time. I left the door open and he invited me to contact him if my other options don’t work out. I’m super sad about it but there were just too many red flags. I appreciate the advice.

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