Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Sleeveless Drapey Tie-Neck Top

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1. Looking for recipe inspiration: I have guests coming to spend the weekend and would like to bake some cookies/small sweet treats to have on hand in the kitchen for their visit. Has anyone baked any delicious cookies, bars, or other desserts lately? Any recipes you have bookmarked because they look so good?

   1. I made the Brown Butter Chocolate Pistachio Shortbread cookies from How Sweet Eats recently and they were a big hit. Link to follow.

   2. https://www.howsweeteats.com/2018/12/chocolate-pistachio-shortbread/

   3. Taste of home recipe for blueberry scones.
      Alternately, a bowl of cut up strawberries and blueberries.

   4. I love making brown sugar biscuits. They have just a hint of sweetness so you can serve them as a sweet treat with raspberry jam or lemon curd, but they’re not so sweet that leftovers can’t be used for ham/maple bacon and cheese biscuits in the morning. My recipe comes from Appalachia’s Homestead with Patara on Youtube, search on her channel for the recipe.

   5. Hi! I live Mel’s Kitchen Cafe dot com’s sugar cookie bars & her chocolate chip cookie bars.

   6. I love making zucchini bread. The recipe I use is not healthy at all (has a ton of sugar) but is delicious!

   7. Bon Appetit (food magazine with amazing Youtube channel) just published their BA’s Best Chocolate Chip Cookies. I’m planning to try this weekend! You can find the recipe on their website or on Youtube (video by test kitchen chef).

   8. I recently made this one, except used orange zest and orange extract instead of lemon and a half cup of pecans instead of poppyseeds (so, orange pecan shortbread instead of lemon poppyseed). It was so good. I’ve made the lemon version as well, and it’s also quite delicious. They’re easy to make, not too sweet, and not rich, so they’re easy to eat anytime.

      https://doriegreenspan.com/recipe/lemon-poppyseed-shortbread/

   9. This one: https://www.ambitiouskitchen.com/nutella-stuffed-brown-butter-sea-salt-chocolate-chip-cookies-my-favorite-cookie-ever/

      Browning the butter is key.

   10. Monster cookie bars are incredible. My favorite cookies, though, are the M&M party cookies recipe from the 60s. It has a higher proportion of brown sugar to white sugar and more vanilla than, say, tollhouse cookies, so a chewier cookie. Yum.

   11. Brown Eyed Baker’s lemon bars are delicious, and so refreshing now that it’s hot here.

   12. I spend the weekend with friends recently and someone made these and everyone was obsessed with them — https://smittenkitchen.com/2009/11/salted-brown-butter-crispy-treats/ So so good!

       1. +1 those are SOOO good.

   13. These mildly sweet scones have become a real hit with my network of friends, family and coworkers lately!
       https://smittenkitchen.com/2011/03/oat-and-maple-syrup-scones/

2. I’ve been keeping a log or two of slice and bake cookies in the freezer for a quick cookie fix. Right now I like Smitten Kitchen’s World Peace Cookies (based on Dorie Greenspan’s recipe, I think?). There’s also that chocolate chunk salted butter shortbread cookie that everyone was making a year or so ago.

   1. I do this too! My favorite cookie recipe is the traditional tollhouse chocolate chip cookie recipe. I bake half, roll the rest in a log and stick it in the fridge or freezer for later :)

3. Yay! Frugal Friday’s! I love Frugal Friday’s and this cute J. Crew tie-neck top! Great pick, Elizabeth!!!! I suppose Kat is taking some time off? If so, it is well deserved! At $24.50, this sleeveless top will be good for hot weather, and the same time, the tie neck will sheild me from Frank’s peering eyes. Also, it looks like the arm openings are not too big, which would make it easy for men to get a leer in when they should be looking elsewhere. How sad is it that we have to pick our clothes in a way that sacrifices comfort just b/c we have to keep men from ooogeleing our bodies. FOOEY on that, but it is a reality. I wonder if the day will ever come that we can be comfortable without worrying about creepey men ooogeling us? In any event, I am looking forward to a nice weekend in the Hamton’s and hope the HIVE will also enjoy the weekend weather! YAY!!!!

4. Has anyone hiked Chile’s Torres del Paine National Park and have any tips? I’m in the very early stages of planning. DH and I are planning to hike the W circuit in early November. This route seems like it only takes four days to do, which is short for us, but there is a lot of travel time just getting to the park.
   We plan to camp out and carry our gear. We are going to go independently, without a group. I haven’t quite figured out how to reserve our camping spots yet. I don’t speak Spanish. Any English-language resources that were useful for you ladies?
   Thank you!

   1. I was invited on this trip and didn’t go because of cost, but my friend who went reported that it was very cold, windy, and they didn’t get to see the towers due to fog. I think it was just bad luck, but she came away thinking that the price and hassle of getting there wasn’t quite worth it. I’m sure you’ll have a great time if you bring the right gear and it isn’t a strain on the budget. I believe she consulted some travel blogs with write-ups so maybe that would be useful to you. I don’t think they needed Spanish and it was apparently crowded with all nationalities.

      1. It is definitely windy!

   2. Yes, I did this! It’s one of my favorite trips I’ve ever done. We did it like you did – independently, carrying our gear, etc – and that seemed to be how most people did it. We didn’t reserve any camping spots ahead of time – most people just show up each day. If you go during peak season, there’s some risk the camping area might be full and you have to hike to/back to another one or deal with an unideal space, but otherwise you should be fine.

      We did it over 4 days, but if I could do it again I’d split it over 5 days. If that seems short still, you could look at doing parts of the O circuit (instead of starting the W right away, when you arrive hike up towards Glacier Grey and then back down to the W, and do something similar at the end). We hiked up towards the glacier at the beginning and it was beautiful – one of my favorite parts of the trek. 5 days would also give you more flexibility for actually seeing the Torres del Paine. The “summit” is often too foggy to see the Torres – some people go in the evening and if it’s foggy, try again in the morning. Even if you miss the Torres, I thought this trek was gorgeous (and the hike to the summit is the most difficult part of the trek anyway).

      I don’t remember any English language resources now, but once you arrive in Puerto Natales you’ll be fine in English. It’s all very well-organized from that point onwards and everyone in Puerto Natales is there for the Torres del Paine trek. Note that you can rent absolutely any gear you need from Puerto Natales. The Erratic Rock hostel gives a daily overview and Q&A session if you get there and need any last-minute advice open to anyone, not just hostel guests (if you’re struggling finding English language resources, you might be able to get some input from them by email). You will need to bring some cash for the park entrance fees, boat ride, etc. The start of the hike is about 3 hours from Puerto Natales, but it’s a beautiful bus ride along the coast and through the mountains.

      There are also a bunch of day excursions you can do from Puerto Natales and Puntarenas, if you want to spend more time in that area to justify the time spent in transit to get there. Ones from Puerto Natales tend to be activities in and around the Torres del Paine park, like glacier hikes and boat rides; Puntarenas has some wildlife activities for penguins, seals, etc.

      1. TY! Doing it over 5 days sounds like a better schedule.

   3. We were in Torres del Paine in February. The park is spectacular, and we had a great time. We did not hike the W, but did lots of hiking. The towers were closed due to rain when we were there, as was kayaking as the water in XXX River was flooding and roaring. It is always windy in Patagonia–bring warm clothes and good shells, pants and jacket. Given the weather, treat yourself to a nice place to stay after your hike–a hotel or lodge. I assume you are staying in the refugios? Most people do not camp, but use the hut and shelter systems. I assume you are an outdoorsy person, and will tackle most anything, but the weather is not great a lot of the time. Can you do December? It will be a little warmer and more stable. Be sure to go to Bariloche if you have time–the beauty, hiking, and biking are fantastic!

      1. Thanks! We are pretty outdoorsy and were thinking of camping in tents. But might have to rethink that, depending on how we want to risk the weather.

   4. I have a very extensive guide on how to reserve camp sites, how to get there from various places in South America, all of the tips you need to get through it, etc. I did it a few years ago and it was great, although I did not camp. If you leave an anonymous email I can send it to you.

   5. I had a different trip to Torres as I travelled there by private car with friends (as part of a 1-monthh trip from north to souh Patagonia). We did partially the W-track on foot, but cut it short due to weather and then travelled by car to more distant parts of the park, which are out of the W-track and I have to admit I loved some of those locations even better than the W track (the lakes and waterfalls wih views of the mountains). We stayed in some nice camp sites with hot water & clean bathrooms, which I appreciated after a few days in the wild. The bathrooms on the W track were in lamentable conditions. The W track can be more crowded in peak season, just be prepared for the fact that you will not be alone. Areas outside of W track were not busy at all.
      Study the rules of the park carefully – you will not be able to use your cooker in certain areas and it may happen that the whole Camp Italiano or Britanico will want to boil their water in the tiny designated area at the same time. Normally not an issue, but we areived to the camp late, it was raining heavily and we had to wait for our turn for an hour. We always kept 2 thermos with hot water with us. Bring enough food as your shopping options once you are in the park are limited.
      The weather is very windy (I was there in November/December), I nearly always had my thin merino buff as a headband. Otherwise, I was fine with thin merino leggings and a longsleeve merino shirt, on which I layered hiking trousers, fleece jacket and a hiking jacket. I always kept my rain overtrousers in top of the backpack. Get good hiking shoes. If you plan to carry all on your back, the soles need to be able to carry your weight and the weight of fully-loaded backpack. Ilike Hanwag boots and Fjallraven gear. While hiking certain routes, it is advised to keep your main backpack in the camp and hike light with the essentials (you are lighter, more agile, faster and won’t overload your back). I tried to hike with main backpack and it was a very bad idea. Wear sunscreen and sunglasses all the time. Use pure wool hiking socks. Keep your sleeping bag in a waterproof bag. Train how to build your tent in a matter of seconds. I brought a water filtering bottle so I could drink from any watersource. We spend 6-7 days in Torres.
      It is a beautiful, breathtaking part of the world and I hope to return one day.

      1. TY! This is very helpful.

   6. I did it in Dec two years ago.
      I only carried my backpack as I decided to stay in the campsites with the full board option. I slept in the refuges (from good to fantastic) and my walk mate in the set up tents (domos) that she loved it. Some of the free camp areas were quite dirty and not well mantained, the lodges were clean, well equipet and the food was good. I loved specially El chileno, a cosy place with delicious food. Afther Los cuernos campsite, the other half of the W, were more like mountain-sky lodges that for me looked less charming. If you are going to book set up tent or refuge you have to do quite in advance through the two companies that manage the areas, if you are carrying your tent it is not necesary. Each company manges half of the area. There are Fantastico Sur (quick answer) and Vertice Patagonia (be very, very patien). I copy you the links to the english version of the information.
      https://www.fantasticosur.com/en/
      https://www.verticepatagonia.cl/home
      https://torresdelpaine.com/en/accommodation-list/?tipos=shelter&destinos=torres-del-paine-en
      I did it in 5 days from right to left, starting in Laguna Amarga. Some people recomend to do left to right in order to leave the “best bit” for the end, but then, you risk bad weather and not to be able to see anything without maybe time to try again. Other recomend “if you have good weather run to the Towers” and that is what I did. The hike from Los cuernos to the Mirador de las Torres was one of the best days in my life, honestly.
      With 5 days, as other people has said already, you can go from the Grey glacier to the”bridges” in Los perros way if you have good weather.
      I have a really good weather first day, other fine and the third and four pouring and foggy. It was imposible to hike to the Britanico and we have to back halfway to the Italiano campsite. At Los cuernos and Italiano you can leave your big bag and take the minimum for doing the last bit of the hike and then pick up your stuff in your way back.
      I asume you are a fine hiker then the Erratic talk is fun but the audience was young crowd with little or none experience at all. In Erratic and other place in Puerto Natales you can hire quite cheaple all your gear and equipment too just in case you do not want to carry it from home.
      If you have any doubt do not hesitate to let me know, I have the links to plenty of information in English/Spanish.

5. My husband and I would like to meet with a financial professional now that we are making a little more money and saving more for retirement. We want to make sure that we are optimizing our tax withholdings etc. Should we be looking for a CPA or a certified financial planner or both? Is yelp a decent way to find one locally? I’m in the East Bay of the Bay Area if anyone has specific recs.

   1. A CPA is for taxes and (some, but not all) can make suggestions for tax-advantaged investment vehicles. But it sounds like you really need a CFP/fee based financial planner. If your goals are fairly simple (retirement, mortgage, children’s education) I’d suggest going with a planner at Charles Schwab. If you have restrictions in your investment vehicles, a complicated situation (trusts, previous childresn, etc. etc.) a personal financial adviser at one of the big banks/high net worth wealth mgmt firms might make more sense (but they tend to be $$).

   2. Agreed you should meet with a certified financial planner, if your situation is fairly straightforward, or as a starting off point. Most if not all planners provide a free consultation to begin with, so you can always sit down with them and figure out if they’re a fit.

   3. Anyone have a recc for one in the dmv?

   4. My folks have been using Sweeney Kovar in Danville since the mid-80s. Kevin is both a CPA and a CFP, and comes highly recommended. Not sure what the pricing is these days, but his firm is excellent.

   5. Second the Charles Schwab recommendation! Their intelligent investment system is a FAR lower cost per year than the financial planner that I consulted and from what I can tell it’s doing the same thing: investing your in the market to meet your goals. You still get to consult with a human once a year or more if you need. I have both a Roth IRA and individual investing account with them. If you’re just starting out, reading some financial blogs may help you learn the lingo or get you more comfortable with the idea of “we can do this with on our own, or we can do this with a little help, vs we must have someone else do this for us”.

   6. You want a CFA or a CFP. Generally, obtaining a CFA is more difficult than a CFP. Personally, I’d look for a smaller shop, and one that is unaffiliated with a large institution–almost regardless of the size of your estate (up to $20ish million total estate value, including real estate, retirement accounts, savings, life insurance, etc.). BUT make sure whoever you use is registered with the SEC. The key designation you’re looking for is an RIA (Registered Investment Advisor).

      I would also look for a “fee only” advisor. (I could be wrong but I don’t think any of the fee only advisors work at large institutions.) In my experience they charge two different ways depending on the services you need: (i) a single flat amount (a few thousand or so) for a series of strategy meetings designed to educate you and help you get things set in motion, and (ii) a percentage of your portfolio, if they manage your actual asset holdings for you. The latter probably doesn’t make sense for you if you only have 401(k)s/403(b)s (but it may make sense if you have IRAs or Roth IRAs).

      The alternative to a “fee only” advisor is that you will pay “hidden” fees through whatever investment vehicles the advisor places you in–a lower rate, for example, than you could otherwise get for a similar risk. The advisor makes a commission for selling certain instruments to you. (There have been a number of (failed) attempts (via federal regulations) to require advisors to fully disclose such information to consumers–all of which have failed thus far.)

      1. Stuck in mod. Sweeney-Kovar in Danville. Highly recommended by nearly everyone in my family.

   7. Thanks all. I should have mentioned that we already have an advisor at Vanguard for some investments (due to a modest inheritance), but we otherwise don’t have any planners. Would you still recommend a CFP?

      1. Yes. I think having a CFP is worth the fees. You can always decide later that you no longer need an advisor.

      2. As an alternative viewpoint, I haven’t used a CFP because I don’t know what I’d get from one. However, I don’t see the harm in paying someone for a few hours of their time to see if they’d be helpful.

         For reference, I know my own investing horizon, needs, and risk tolerances. I’m aware of my options for tax-advantaged investment for education and retirement. I’m not so rich that I should be thinking about hedge funds or venture capital.

         I believe the efficient capital markets hypothesis is largely correct and so I’m not trying to pick stocks or pick people to pick stocks. For my conscience, I lean toward investing in environmental, social, and governance-screened index funds.

      3. Vanguard has some planners you have access to if you have sufficient funds with them, or can pay a reasonable fee otherwise. The investment plan you get won’t be super personalize, but it will be appropriate and without excessive fees.

6. Paging the commenter who asked about Salt Lake recommendations. I sent you an email last night with some ideas.

7. We are about to close on a co-op in NYC and are going to redo the kitchen (it looks like it hasn’t been redone in at least 30 years), refinish the wood floors, repaint, and do a little electrical work (fixing a couple of outlets). We just met with a contractor and got a quote for $85k in labor….and more like $100k if we want to open up one half-wall and make a pass-through. Is this normal? I’m feeling major sticker shock and general shock at the price.

   Wondering if there are any ladies here who have negotiated down with contractors – what kind of a percentage decrease do you expect from their first to last price? We can reduce the scope a little bit and get it down to about $60k but that’s still way more than we were expecting. Note it’s a one-bedroom and we’re buying the apartment for less than $600k. Yikes!

   1. I haven’t had luck negotiating, but definitely get different bids (and make sure they aren’t being overly optimistic about price). We did this last year in dc- pulled down 2 walls (1 was load bearing) and redid a small kitchen (including wood floors) and it cost about $40k. I got some quotes that were double.

      1. Thanks. We are due to get another bid today and requested one from a third contractor last night. We were expecting something with a max of $40k for the labor (because the co-op rules require some additional headache).

         1. Renos in NYC are just plain expensive. I think $40K is unrealistic unfortunately.

            I have never had success negotiating with a contractor to lower his price – and honestly, I would assume that it will end up being more expensive than the initial bid.

      2. We paid about $60K to remodel a townhouse kitchen (with partial removal of a load-bearing wall) in the DC suburbs. The original budget was $50K, but we encountered several “surprises” behind the walls once the work started that necessitated additional work. Just wanted to point this out so you can allow for potential surprises in your remodel budget.

      3. And just a heads up… price will always end up being higher in the end… you’ll end up deciding random things are a splurge, or something won’t be as easy as it looked on the onset… our original quote was $30k.

   2. Not NYC but in similarly HCOL area and . Did your contractor give you an itemized estimate or did he just ballpark it? I find it helps to understand what the higher-labor-cost items are, and it can help to avoid any fudging on the part of the contractor. Also what does redoing the kitchen involve – moving plumbing etc?

      1. Everything is itemized though some things are lumped together ($14k for drawings + permits + expediting). We can ask to have those things broken out more and that’s how I know we could reduce it if we reduced scope.

   3. Yeah that’s normal for redoing a whole kitchen, removing a wall, and refreshing everything else. That’s why you’re getting the apartment for 600k.

      1. Keep in mind it’s just the labor, not the appliances, cabinets, countertops, etc.

         1. . . . Why didn’t you research this before buying the apartment?? If you knew it was going to need all that work shouldn’t you have factored that in to what you were spending?

            1. These kinds of comments are rude and stupendously unhelpful.
               OP, this is one of those situations where talking to more than a couple of contractors and also scaling back your expectations is going to be critical. I would get no fewer than 4 bids, but make sure you are talking to competent people with references. A massively lowball bid is a signal the person doesn’t know what they’re doing and the costs may triple by the end of the project. But talk to multiple contractors. We are remodeling a bathroom and I’ve had four different remodelers come to look at the project. Our bids so far: $8400, $6300, $4800 and $3800. We’re going with the lowest bid as they are people we’ve worked with before on another project; they actually listened to what we had to say and didn’t start throwing in a bunch of extras we didn’t want or need. I have done a kitchen remodel previously and also got wildly different bids from different people. Carve out time to get people to come see the apartment and tell them, we are aiming to bring the project in under X dollars; what do we need to change or not do to hit that number? Sometimes people don’t give a budget because they want to see if they can get someone to do the work far under what they were budgeting – it saves everyone a lot of time if you can be up-front about how much you want to spend. “What can we change” may include doing the work in stages, rather than all at once. So maybe new cabinets need to wait but you can get new appliances now.

            2. We did research this and estimated the work would cost $40k.

   4. That is a lot if just for labor, although I’ve heard electrical can be costly. Did they break down what each type of work is? I’m very bad at negotiating/bargaining so I just get multiple quotes and go with the best one that’s also reasonably reputable.

      1. These comments all highlight why my Dad’s philosophy is best. He says if you don’t buy second hand clothes, why buy someone’s old wreck and pay some dufus mucho dinero to fix it if you can just buy new? Each time we want to expand or just refresh, we upgrade by moving to something new which Dad swares by. That does mean he can’t ever move into an old farmhouse and rennovate, but who cares? It also means i get a new apartement when he wants me to, and the only thing I have to do is persuade him NOT to move me into a neighborhood I do NOT to live in. So far, I have suceeded. YAY!! This is why Dad is a MENSA, and I am not. YAY Dad!!!!

   5. That sounds within range of normal but on the high side. Working in coops is expensive. Remember that you will have to get board approval too, and factor that into your timeline. I spent $175 total (with materials) on kitchen, two baths, opening up a wall, refinishing floors, electrical and all painting. It was insane and took 7 months.

      Get bids from several contractors but be careful with anyone who comes in significantly below the others.

      1. That’s significantly more work though than what she is stating (bathrooms are crazy!). I’m the $40k remodel above, and we spent an add’l probably $30k on 1 bathroom, painting, and replacing about 5 ceiling fans, which we had a handyman do most of (for the kitchen we did everything above board).

   6. That sounds cheap (in my area similar work is about 2-3 times that but largely due to materials and contractor shortages). Don’t forget about fixtures and finishes as that will likely be in addition to construction costs. And the rule, you can look for 3 things in a contractor: fast, cheap good, but you only get 2 max.

      1. Wow – where are you??

         1. San Francisco – the fires in Wine Country have really impacted construction in the Bay Area. I was going to do similar work to you (did it about 15 years ago at 100k all in) and all the quotes I got were 3x that now. Have a lot of friends doing similar because it’s still more reasonable than trying to move somewhere nicer, and it’s just ungodly expensive right now.

            1. That sucks. The market there sounds insane in every way.

         2. Some other thoughts, it’s not always cheaper to do one thing at a time – you get economies of scale by doing more work at the same time, so if you’re thinking of more than what you’re doing will need to be done, get a quote for all of and the smaller job and the additional work if it was separate.

            1. Yes, we are considering not narrowing the scope for this reason. it would also mean we would only need to go through the board approval process once. Just trying to get an idea of if the number is crazy!

         3. Sorry, one more – on your floors, if you like the color, ask about buffing and polishing v refinishing, you may not need to do the expense of a refinish if you like the look and they’re just scratched up. Paint is another highly variable area, I’ve generally found less expensive painters than my contractor’s but there’s value on getting it all done quickly too.

            1. Thanks! Appreciate the brainstorming.

   7. If plumbing has to be moved then that’s a major undertaking. Not in a HCOL area, but I would estimate $65k for a kitchen redo in my LCOL area based on what I have paid for bathrooms and other things. That price doesn’t seem high for a HCOL area.

      1. We are not moving any plumbing or gas lines. The wall we would potentially move is not load-bearing, and removal of the wall itself actually only costs $3k (the rest is additional permitting and finishing the lighting above the new island).

         1. I think this is a very high quote for just labor, especially since you’re not moving plumbing or gas.

            I’ve gotten high quotes for small projects before, (DC) and I think they’ve been because the contractor doesn’t actually want the small job. So they charge for the big job and if you’re a sucker, they’re getting the money. For example – “$14k for drawings + permits + expediting” Are they also designing this for you? Because that is CRAZY to me.

            Get more quotes, and if it works for your co-op building, see if you can break the project into different parts – like have a separate flooring company refinish the floors.

            1. Agreed- Sometimes they don’t want the job so they throw out high numbers and sometimes get a bite. It may be hard to find someone who is willing to do a $40k job over a more expensive job, especially with good contractors.

   8. $85k total or $85k as the labor line item? That seems high for only labor, but it’s important to understand how it is itemized. When I’ve hired contractors in the past I’ve gotten a few insane quotes, one was over 100k more than the others (for major work). You definitely need multiple quotes.

      1. We would just be using them for labor, so it’s just labor and it’s the final total. We’d get cabinets / countertops / appliances separately (though they would install them).

         Sounds like the consensus is this isn’t unheard of but it is high. I hope our other quotes come in lower today and next week.

         I’m from Nebraska originally so while the $$ is not actually an issue for me, the idea of spending as much on a down payment + renovations as some of my high school friends paid for their nice houses is just like….oh well. I do love NYC.

         1. that is high for labor….good thought to buy your own materials vs. through the contractor. Is there any work that you can do yourself? For example, you may be able to reduce the labor by doing the demolition and removal work yourself, and painting is another one that you can take out of their labor and do yourself.

            1. Our co-op would not let us do that. We could do painting ourselves or separately but we want it done at the same time / in coordination with the other work so I think this is the way it makes the most sense.

            2. Don’t most contractors have access to industry discounts or wholesale-type stores for materials? I’ve always assumed they could get better deals than I would be able to on my own.

         2. They are upcharging because typically they mark up materials. If you are providing your own, you will probably encounter this across the way.

8. Looking for recs for a few things in NYC. I’ll be in NYC for 3-4 days for a conference in late July (why do they plan it in July in NYC?!). I have the evenings to myself and am truly looking forward to a few kid-free adult evenings. Any recommendations for a massage or great spa close to Times Square? Has anyone seen a show/play lately that is amazing? (Saw Hamilton a few years ago)

   1. Come from Away or Dear Evan Hanson

      1. The touring company of Come From Away was just here and several of my friends went. They were blown away!

         1. I know I have Canadian bias on this, but Come From Away is just so wonderful. It is precisely the message that we need in these dark times.

         2. As Newfoundlander this makes my heart so happy!

            1. I love Newfoundland like deep in my soul.

         3. This makes me happy! The tour comes to my city next spring and I’m going. It might be a different company by then, I suppose, but still good to hear a positive review.

      2. Just be warned that Dear Evan Hansen is emotionally intense and kind of stressful to watch (just saw it this week). Still a good show, but I think Come From Away (also on my list to see) is probably a bit lighter. Just depends on what you’re in the mood for.

      3. Loved both of these — great recommendations!

      4. I loved loved loved Dear Evan Hansen

   2. I loved Be More Chill on a recent trip and you may be able to get decent ticket prices from Broadway Box or one of the other places with codes because it is not at capacity at this point (although they expect their grosses to go up with summer coming).

   3. BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE!

      (I haven’t seen it but it looks awesome)

   4. Hadestown, if you can get tickets! It’s up for a ton of Tonys this weekend, and I’m hoping it wins all of them — it was phenomenal.

   5. Come from Away, for sure.

      Also I’m dying to see Tootsie.

9. It was my birthday yesterday and my ex-boyfriend (together 2 years) sent me a long email after almost a year of no contact. We broke up because sometimes he would go from being his normal delightful self to uncaring and super critical without any provocation, like flipping a switch. It was like he was a mean drunk…but he hadn’t been drinking. He obviously had some weird mental problem and usually refused to admit that anything was wrong with him, and refused to go to therapy for it, so I had to let him go. At those times he was too mean for me to keep dating. This was devastating…I know I am making him sound awful here, but it was one terrible aspect of someone I was so happy to be with otherwise.

   In the email he said that every day he agonizes over what happened, that he recognizes now that everything that led up to the breakup was due to his mental illness that he didn’t want to admit to and has found a therapist he thinks can help him with the problem, that he wasn’t saying that he thought we should get back together, because he would probably just hurt me all over again, but that I had been a wonderful partner and friend and that he often thinks about what might have been if he had acted differently.

   I honestly don’t know what to do in response. In spite of doing my best to move on with my life, dating other people, etc., I still miss him desperately and would give anything to be with a version of him that dealt with his problems. Not even a version of him who didn’t have the problems, just who was aware of them and kept them from affecting me.

   1. Don’t respond and block his email address. It’s understandable that you still miss him and are still healing from the breakup, but you don’t want to backslide. Getting back together with him is not a responsible choice, especially when he himself is telling you he will hurt you again. Believe him.

      1. +1 I’ve been in this situation. Do not engage. He’s only trying to clear his own conscience.

      2. Yes. Stay clear. He may be better then before, but he is still a mess. Once you give him an inch, he will wheedel back into your life and your bed. Then it will be to late and you will be right back where you left off. I did this with my ex at least twice, and regretted it and it was only with Dad’s insistence that we got rid of him for good. I know you yearn for the good side of him, and mabye for how you felt happy when you had good times with him, but trust me, the old yutz is always going to be there. So do NOT reconnect in any way. The schmoe said sayonara and it was his loss, not yours.

      3. +1

         Or if you must, reply with “Thanks and good luck,” and then block his email.

   2. Don’t do it.

   3. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of “run away and don’t look back” advice, but I think there is a middle ground between “tell him you’ve missed him desperately and get married tomorrow” and “ignore the email and never speak to him again”.

      I think you could write back and say that you were glad to hear from him, and very glad to hear that he’s found a therapist and is addressing his issues. You could leave it at that and see if you hear from him in another year, or you could press for more detail about the work he has done/is doing, even something broad like, “I’d be interested to hear more about the work you’re doing with your therapist and what insight it has brought you.”

      Therapy gets recommended around here a lot because it truly can help people address personality issues. That said, it takes time, commitment and work, so if he tells you that he’s been going for a month and considers himself cured, that would probably be a red flag, But if it sounds like he’s put some genuine time and effort into addressing this, then maybe you (slowly) explore re-engaging and seeing where the relationship goes.

      1. I second this idea, with a wee bit of hesitation.

      2. I think this is a good middle ground approach but with a substantial bit of hesitation. If he has “found a therapist” that doesn’t mean he’s actually seen said therapist more than once (ask me how I know…). I think you should probably continue to keep your distance but make an attempt to suss out what work/how much work he has done/how much progress he has made towards being healthier.

         Mental health issues are never cured. Self-awareness is a huge step forward but it’s impossible for a partner’s mental health to not affect their partner, no matter how much work they do. There will be ups and downs and the downs are hard for everyone in that person’s life, especially someone as close and safe as an SO.

   4. He sent this email as an apology and for closure, not to get back together with you (he so much as stated so). Just take the email for what it is, a true apology and closure and move on. Don’t respond.

      1. I second the above, apart from the last two words. If this sharing of insight is part of his therapy work and/or his search for closure, which it seems you believe it to be, then I think it should at least be acknowledged on your part. A simple email in response thanking him for reaching out and wishing him the best for the future is enough – and might be an important step for you in letting go as well.

         1. Agree with this. A final “Thanks, I always wish you the best in life” helped me close in a similar situation.

         2. This.

   5. Gently, I agree with Anon @ 9:52. Your partner cannot keep their mental health from affecting you, even if they want to. I know you miss him so much – believe me I have been there. Keep moving forward. You deserve better.

   6. Don’t respond, don’t engage. You will always live in fear that he will backslide.

   7. For me, it would be a “thanks, I hope therapy will work out for you!” He hasn’t gotten therapy yet – it sounds like he’s just acknowledging that he needs it and plans to start. He’s not past his issues but the light has come on and he feels bad about how he treated you.

   8. This is the classic abusive husband is now sorry story. Keep moving in the opposite direction.

      1. Yes. OP, do not be me. Many years ago I fell for something similar from an ex-boyfriend I had dumped because he was a mean (and abusive) drunk and the drinking kept getting worse. The phone call I got was all about how he had changed, he was going to AA meetings, he realized now how awful he’d been, etc. He “knew he could never get me back because he didn’t deserve me” but “he would love me forever and wished he could do everything over again.” I fell for it hook, line and sinker and we got back together.
         A year later I was at the police station asking how to get a restraining order because he slammed me against a wall and held his arm against my throat during an argument. He quit going to AA meetings within weeks of me getting back together with him and within two months the drinking was as bad as it had ever been. He had no real intention of changing; he was just very smart and manipulative and knew what to say to get me back. He missed having me to victimize.
         If you want to do the one-line reply great. I would recommend just doing the ignore/block thing others have sugggested, and moving on with your life. Would also like to say, gently: that relationship I was in was the most exciting of my life; I was crazy in love with that man. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else as much as I loved him. After I broke up with him and cut off contact, I met my now-husband and we have been married 20 years. Now I really know and understand what love is, and what I had with my ex? That wasn’t it. Every minute you spend on this guy is a minute you could spend out in the world finding your person, the one you are really meant to be with. Don’t waste more time on this guy; you deserve better.

         1. Wow I feel this situation. Not the abuse exactly, but it feels like a very similar situation. Thanks for commenting, glad you got out.

   9. I know this note makes you pine for him, I have been there. I think it is important to realize that you are pining for the version of the person that you wish he was, or what you hope he could become, rather than the person that he still actually is. I dated someone who was lovely to me, and then terrible to me, and we alternated between the two until I was able to get myself out of the situation. Remember that you would be dating the person he actually is – and that person hurt you terribly, and likely would continue to do so until he has done his work to change. There are lots of men who would love to get to know you and be with you. Keep looking.

   10. Please listen to him when he says he would hurt you all over again! He’s literally telling you what will happen! I wouldn’t respond because I know myself and I know that once I responded once I wouldn’t be able to stop.

   11. When someone reaches out to me and apologizes for something they’ve done wrong in the past, and tells me they’re changing or working on the issue, I usually tell them I appreciate them taking the time to acknowledge that their past behavior. I might also, very honestly, tell them it doesn’t change much between us, but ultimately, I wish them luck going forward. In this case, I may also add that while I wish him well, I do not want to hear from him again going forward.

10. Thanks to the commenter who recommended George at DopDop for a transformation haircut. I booked it on a whim yesterday, gave him almost nothing to go on, and it came out perfect. He was also a delightful person, which was a great bonus. I have a whole new look! And it’s fun!

    1. Congrats!!

    2. Oh, I’m so glad to hear it! He really is the best..my color has never looked better…and an all around great person.

11. I read the news story that broke yesterday about the Coca Cola owned Fair Life Farms investigation and I’m so upset. I didn’t even watch the video but the article was enough. I have been vegetarian for years but lately have been leaning vegan with most meals and I think this has pushed me over the edge to vegan.

    So I have a question for those of you who are vegetarian/vegan: are you okay with having a partner who is not either of those? What did you do if you became vegan while in the middle of a serious relationship or even a marriage? I was originally thinking that I’m okay with him making his own choices as long as we are buying responsibly farmed items for his side of the grocery cart. But when I mentioned this news story to him yesterday, he didn’t really seem to care and his response was “there’s nothing we can do about it,” which infuriated me.

    1. My husband and I are both vegetarian, but I eat fish occasionally. It definitely bothers my husband. I very rarely prepare or eat it in the house and clean up immediately when I do. I don’t think you can control your partner or nag them to death (I mean, this is why people hate some vegans lol), but you can buy better quality products if you can afford them. I used to get eggs from a neighbor with chicken and pay an arm and a leg for small farm, local milk.

    2. Saying “there’s nothing we can do about it” seems really callous, although this story hits home to me, literally, because I live near Fair Oaks Farms and have taken my kids there to do the farm tour, which I now feel horrendously guilty about. Of course it’s your choice to insist on your partner being vegetarian/vegan/making responsible choices, but that will limit your dating pool hugely (especially vegan) and personally I wouldn’t leave an otherwise happy partnership because my partner wanted to eat meat. Fwiw, I am vegetarian but basically live on dairy and eggs so could never be vegan.

       1. I have FairLife milk in my refrigerator and feel horrible about it. I have been buying it for years and because I drive by it fairly often I guess I thought of it as kind of local (didn’t know about the Coca-Cola connection). This is terrible and I am going to be a lot more attentive.

    3. Well, keep in mind that people are vegan for different reasons.
       It sounds like you are very animal-welfare minded, and that this is important to you.
       Or, are you activist-minded, and it was his attitude of passivity that bothers you?

    4. You need to majorly slow your roll. I can’t fathom my partner watching a documentary and turning around a blaming me for it, making me the problem, and being disgusted with me for living my life the way I always have. I mean, are you listening to yourself at all here? How would you like it if he decided his cause was child labor and demanded you immediately throw away 90% of your clothes. Get a grip. Stop picking a fight with his to assuage your own guilt. Start making choices in your own life. Discuss things gently with him. Propose incremental changes. You took vows for life, this isn’t an overnight thing.

       1. And upon rereading this is maybe not your husband. So dump him if you want, but I still think you’re being way over the top.

       2. 1) I did not take vows for life, we are only dating
          2) I didn’t watch a documentary and decide to become vegetarian years ago
          3) I brought up the news article with him calmly and was simply shocked by his response (which I didn’t even respond to)
          4) Are you vegetarian/vegan? Because that’s who this question was posed to. If not, carry on.

          1. Omg ok die alone then. Or go find a vegans board to post on.

             1. Who hurt you?

       3. +1.

    5. If someone’s values don’t jive well with yours, dump them, but don’t get outraged at your SO for not caring to the same extent as you about something he can’t do something about in that moment. He has a right to not be vegetarian or vegan in the same way as you, and you have the right not to date someone that doesn’t eat or believe the same way as you do.

       1. I asked for the perspective of vegetarians/vegans and their experiences.

          1. Step off.

          2. I never said I wasn’t I was giving general advice that is applicable as a vegetarian. Not everyone eats the same and their eating ideologies flex and change over time – that’s life and you need to make a decision about whether that is acceptable for you. Stop being pissy because people aren’t giving you the advice you clearly want to hear. If you don’t want to accept the advice you’re requesting, don’t post here.

          3. How do you know that isn’t the perspective of a vegetarian/vegan?

          4. Where did Anon say she eats meat?

       2. +100

    6. My husband is a lifelong vegetarian and I’m omnivorous. It hasn’t been an issue in our relationship but I think his vegetarianism is more path dependency than any deep seated principles or values. My son is omnivorous as well and he is fine with that – although we definitely get a lot of judgement from my in-laws (to which I respond you got to raise your kid, we get to raise ours). We don’t each much meat and eat ethically produced meat when we can.

       1. Thank you for your reply, your perspective is exactly what I was looking for

          1. And heaven forbid we not all provide you with exactly what you wanted when you wanted it. Also lol in your snippy response to me you said you only wanted to hear from vegans and vegetarians

             1. Because I specifically posed the question to vegetarians and vegans. If a 50+ year old woman asked a question here specifically for women experiencing menopause and a 25 year old responded with get over it, I would give her the same side eye because it makes no sense

             2. You’re way out of line. No one has said to just get over it. They have said you’re taking a really extreme position.

             3. But then why gush over Cb’s response when she expressly says in her reply that she’s not a vegetarian? It’s almost like you just want validation and don’t want to hear from anyone who’s not going to tell you you’re a perfect little animal-saver.

          2. LOL why are you attacking Anons for responding because they’re “not vegetarian” (when you have no idea what they eat) and then praising someone who states she’s an omnivore for her response? You need to get a grip. And I’m not any of the other Anon comments on this thread.

          3. Look, I’m not going to get outraged over your veganism like some other people are, but if you ask for opinions on the internet you don’t get to control what kind of answers you get. You just don’t. And you look incredibly defensive and naive by assuming you can.

    7. I’m an ethical vegan. I do all the cooking and grocery shopping in my home so it’s 100% vegan. If my husband were ever so inclined to not eat vegan food he would have to go source and cook it all himself. At restaurants he eats probably about 50/50 vegan/vegetarian. He doesn’t label his dietary choices, but he’s becoming a much better human. When we first started dating I was a vegetarian and he ate meat. I made the switch to veganism two years ago which was prior to our marriage.

       1. Ugh, can we not with the “much better human” language?

          1. +1. Major eye rolls, here.

          2. +1. It could not be more off-putting.

          3. +1 seriously

    8. Amongst friends the most common combination seems to be omnivorous dad, vegetarian mom, omnivorous kids with some kids switching to vegetarian in teenage years. I don’t know any families where both parents are vegetarian or vegan. Varies between families as to whether or not the parents both cook meat for the kids or whether just the dad does.

       1. This is my family. We eat a lot of vegetarian at home but when we have meat, my husband cooks it. I have been a vegetarian for 25+ years (I’m late 30s) and it doesn’t bother me if he and kid eat it, but I’m not going to prepare it.

    9. I’ve been a vegetarian since childhood. My husband is technically not, but he eats meat less than once a month and only if it originates in humane, eco-friendly circumstances. I think, like with many things, this is a question of values and mutual respect. I’m an imperfect vegetarian: I own a couple of pairs of leather shoes, I eat cheese, and so forth. But we both think that animal welfare and the environment are important concerns, and we both realize that people have to make their own moral choices with the knowledge that ideological purity, especially where the environment is concerned, is largely impossible. I respect his values and his efforts, and he respects mine.

       I think the real deal breaker for me would not be eating meat but mocking the idea of not eating it or dismissing the ethical concerns that surround the practice. The whole “yeah, baby, I’m a member of PETA: people eating tasty animals” narrative is pretty pervasive here, and I find that deeply repugnant.

       1. It’s cute you think eating the animals is terrible but wearing their skin is totally fine.

          Gosh you people are hypocritical. It’s so obnoxious.

    10. I’m an omnivore who leans vegetarian, and my husband is a vegetarian for ethical reasons. He’s not 100% comfortable with me cooking meat at home, but tolerates it (it’s always been for family members with many dietary restrictions or who are so picky that it’s just easier to make bland chicken), and I honestly hate cooking meat for 1 person, so I don’t cook it at home if it’s just us. I sometimes order meat/fish in restaurants, and it’s always in restaurants that only serve local, ethically produced/caught meat/fish. It hasn’t been an issue. It’s just one of the many things that we’ve agreed to disagree on.

    11. I’m a vegetarian but I would note that you’re not okay with him making his own choices… you want him to do it your way, or within your very specific parameters. Did you tell him that? If I were in his shoes, that would be a dealbreaker for me.

        If your idea of your ethics are so strong that you can’t deal with someone making their own choices that may be different from yours, you may need to date with that in mind.

        FWIW, I feel that way about politics now so I’m not judging you, you just need to act accordingly. You can’t shame otherwise good humans into making decisions you want them to make, which is what it sounds like here.

        1. I feel that way about politics too. I don’t need to date a clone of myself, but there are some things I feel very strongly about, and I would need to date someone who also cares about those things, and there are things I have opinions on that a romantic partner wouldn’t need to share, but if he had a strong, opposing viewpoint that may be an issue for us. Ideological compatibility/incompatibility is a real thing that can make or break both friendships and romantic relationships.

    12. I’ve been a vegetarian for most of my life and I kind of agree with your husband’s sentiments to a point. There really isn’t anything you can do about it, but I prefer to buy animal products from ethical sources when I can. That documentary inspired me to start going back to a local dairy to buy milk. I also used to raise chickens so that I could feel good about my eggs, but I’ll still eat eggs that are from the supermarket. However, I also wear leather, own things from stores that use factories in developing countries, have a diamond ring, use plastic, own electronics that use conflict minerals, etc. There’s no way I can be perfect and I don’t expect it of my husband, either. He is not vegetarian and kind of has the same philosophy as me. There are things that are important to him that aren’t as important to me, it’s just the way life is. Nobody can be perfect. I’m respectful of his opinions and he is respectful of mine.

        1. I agree with this. Make ethical choices when/where you can, encourage others to do the same, and if people scoff at those suggestions or cringe when they see you eating “weird vegan food,” consider ditching them because they’re rude.
           I think it’s a good idea to surround yourself with people who share your values, and to look for that in potential dating partners. You don’t need to date a clone of yourself, but if you’re a vegan and animal rights and environmental issues are important to you, then maybe you do need to date a fellow vegetarian. Definitely don’t date an omnivore and expect to convert them.

    13. I’m not vegan/vegetarian but I am someone who ethically would like to be but practically cannot be for medical reasons. Neither of us can eat dairy, I can’t eat gluten and am allergic to a lot of the common foods found in vegan/vegetarian meals. Further, I have a medical condition that prohibits me from eating a lot of high fiber foods or things with lots of seeds so salads and bowls are often out. My typically meals are meat or fish w/ steamed veggies, sometimes rice.

        It was important to me that we make an effort to eat ethically sourced meat at home. We also tend to choose restaurants that serve local ethically sourced meat. We don’t, however, make it an issue when we are eating at someone else’s home. We also are not 100% perfect. My husband had some financial concerns with this choice and we have reached a compromise we can both live with. If we are having a cookout with 20 guys for someone’s bachelor party, we are just buying the regular frozen hamburgers for cost reasons, for example.

        I care that he doesn’t just dismiss the issue. Initially he bought this way just for me. Then he decided it tasted better. Then he realized he does care about animal welfare too. We make an effort but we aren’t fanatical about it.

        1. This is where I land too. I’m leaning towards vegetarianism and was strictly veg for about a year. My husband, who grew up in a very meat and potatoes kind of family, is now much more open to eating meatless on a lot of days. I’m almost a 100% veg when he’s not around – at lunch, out with friends etc (I do sometimes eat fish). But he has a condition where he can’t eat most carbs and very little sugar, so going strictly veg means removing a source of protein that makes him happy and adding yet another restriction to his diet. So we sometimes eat meat, which we try to ethically source. I think you need to decide whether your values are most important than your relationship – that’s a legitimate choice to make, but as you are hearing on this board, it’s not the only option and your SO isn’t necessarily in the wrong here.

    14. Former partner was vegan. I was trying to dip my toe in but it was a big change from my usual lean protein and veggie style of eating. My motivation for doing so was not save the animals, but more the health (my health) environmental reasons. I thought it would be good to learn some recipes that weren’t centered around an animal protein as the main.

        It was around the time Mark Bittman released VB6 (vegan before 6) and I bought the book and started trying to do it. For some reason this just massively pissed off my vegan boyfriend and he was a complete prick about the whole thing. You’re not a vegan if you eat meat after 6! – yeah, I know, I never said I was… and all kinds of gross accusations that ended up breaking us up. (“Enjoy eating that dead animal!” kind of remarks.)

        So I guess my suggestion is specifically about that. If you are vegan or vegetarian and someone you love is trying to be vegan or vegetarian part of the time, get off the high horse and be happy about it.

        Also just to round out the story, ex BF is no longer vegan! But still a jerk. :)

        1. Aaaand i just saw your aggressive responses all over this thread
           1) I wish I hadn’t responded to you
           2) way to confirm the vegan stereotype
           3) you can go hang out with my ex

    15. I’m an omnivore who was required to live as a vegetarian at various times. I don’t think I would live with one again unless there were no restrictions on my diet. Because in my experience, 2 of the 3 the vegetarians I have lived with were more interested in controlling the people around them. They made no exceptions for health, variously sourced food, and weren’t interested in helping find new recipes, etc. They weren’t interested in learning or investing themselves in the causes I thought were most important, especially if it came at the expense of their strictly controlled diet.
        OTOH, the exception to the rule was a family member who made the whole thing an adventure we were on together. When the tofu pie turned out inedible, we broke the veganism and got pizza. And we had real conversations with real listening on both sides, about why. I would date someone like that.

    16. As a vegan, you are the type of vegan everyone hates.

        I do not get to police other people’s food choices. Ever. I also do not get to tell people how to feel about things. My partner is not vegan or vegetarian, but is happy to cook and eat that way. He has two vegan sisters, so grew up around that diet choice. I don’t need my partner to be vegan, but I do need my partner to share the same values as me. My partner is a wonderful person all around who does a lot of things to better the world. Him occasionally eating meat/dairy/animal products is not a deal killer for me.

        1. +1 billion to your first sentence.

    17. My husband was a vegetarian for 3 years before we met. So were most of his friends. I ate meat everyday and worked at the Keg. We bought regular meat from the regular store and I ate it and he ate vegetarian. When our first child was born he started eating meat and still does. He was vegetarian for 10 years. I am glad he kept me around.

12. Any Barcelona travel tips? I see there’s a roundtrip sale from Boston and NYC for under $300 valid for Oct.-March…I’m very tempted. Is a week there too long? Day trips? Train to south of France?

    1. Do it! I think 7 days there is too long to spend just in the city itself, but I would probably base yourself in Barcelona the whole time, spend 4-5 days exploring the city itself and do a couple daytrips.

    2. A week is not too long! There are sooo many things to do in Barcelona, which you will need to get online tickets for and time yourself, so you can’t just dash to five sites a day. There are also tons of day trip opportunities like Montserrat or Sitges. One week will come and go!

    3. I’d recommend the Rick Steves guide if you don’t already have it! Absolutely you can fill a week there. Go for it!! Sounds amazing.

    4. Definitely go to Montserrat! It’s easy to do from Barcelona. I would 100% go for this price, I’m not sure how far San Sebastian is from Barcelona, but you could also look into making that a segment of your trip. We couldn’t fit it into our time, but I want to go back!

    5. Visit the Freixenet winery, it’s a short trip from Barcelona and pretty fun.

    6. This is my personal favorite place in the world and one of the only international revists I’ve ever done. A week is absolutely not too long. It’s an amazing place to just BE. Book it! You can always go on a day trip to Montserrat or to Figueres to the Dali Museum (so worth it). If I lived in Boston I’d book this in a heartbeat.

13. What is the most casual outfit you can get away with wearing or are comfortable wearing at your office?
    I understand not everyone has the option for casual fridays, and some offices skew more casual than others, so this may not apply to everyone. But I’m really curious as to what you ladies are rocking for a more casual, yet professional look.

    1. I wouldn’t wear sweatpants, yoga pants, running shorts, plastic flip-flops or anything too revealing but otherwise pretty much anything goes. In the summer, I wear jeans, a t-shirt and Birkenstocks pretty regularly.

    2. Jeans, blouse, flats.

    3. I’m wearing jeans (Everlane), a linen button down with the sleeves rolled up (also Everlane), and loafers (Everlane again) and a scarf.

    4. People in my office seldom wear jeans, and only then if they are having to move files or do something physical. I think the big boss is the only one who wears jeans even once a month, and only then on rainy days. I never wear jeans.

       For me, its my current outfit. Black pants, a Talbots printed top, and sandals.

    5. I’m in that “pregnant but not telling the office yet” phase, so lately I’ve been rocking some ponte leggings, a black swing dress, and a moto jacket with some pointy toed flats. Casual but doable and hides the bloat.

    6. I wear jeans, a sweater/blouse, and either booties or Vans every day. Boss said he doesn’t care if I wear jeans everyday as long as they’re not ripped, so I took him up on it. I’m in an area of engineering dominated by old men. There is a lot of variety in what they wear, but it definitely skews business casual.

    7. Dress pant yoga pants (shout out to Beta Brand), solid color luxe tee shirt with statement necklace, ballet flats. I work in a “business professional” office, but on days I don’t go to court or meet clients, I can pull this off. I keep a blazer on the door.

    8. I have jeans envy over here.

       Honestly, in my office? Even sandals/open-toe shoes feel too casual. The most casual I will go is a smart fitted tee shirt, paired with traditional dress pants and ballet flats. Or a dress made out of a more casual knit fabric (think a Boden day dress).

    9. Today I’m wearing light jeans, a J Crew 365 t-shirt, and Rothy’s pointed flats. I look awesome, and yes super-casual, but I feel good about it.

    10. Black ankle pants, knit top, flats.

    11. I work in a field where people are notoriously poorly dressed, so anything goes. A woman who works down the hall is wearing cut-off sweatpants right now. I’m wearing a Uniqlo linen skirt and a tank.

    12. When I interviewed for this job, my boss was wearing a heather gray sweatshirt (the kind you get at a sporting goods store). This was a relief because I suck at dressing myself, hate shopping, and don’t like spending money on clothes. I’m wearing the Lee ankle-length pants with a yoga-style waistband that were recommended here (perfect for biking to work!), a merino wool sweater from Uniqlo, a white T-shirt from Everlane (poor quality, sadly), and Allbirds. I don’t look great but the outfit is perfectly acceptable for my office.

    13. I wear a dress — a printed rayon or cotton sheath or shift with closed toed sandals. If it is cooler, I wear the dress with thin leggings in spring and summer, and tights for the rest of the year. I wear a cardigan or jacket / soft motto jacket with this ensemble. I also wear a similar outfit involving a skirt, blouse, and topper. I do have black jeans that I occasionally wear, but pants and jeans are hard for me because of bloating issues, so I stick mostly to skirts and dresses.

        1. Forgot to add that most colleagues wear jeans or loose pants and runners or Birkenstock type sandals to work. Colleagues generally look put together and casual, so my dresses are not as common, but there are some others who do wear casual dresses as well.

    14. Eileen Fisher crepe pants (secret PJ pants), higher end t-shirt, long cardigan, and these Naot shoes i have that look like shoes but are basically sneakers.

        I tend to dress it up with a long scarf or pearls, but that’s because i like those things.

        1. Ps the shoes are Naot Kata on Zappos. I have the gray/silver.

    15. For the depths of summer I actually do jersey jumpsuits a lot. I keep a cardigan over it the entire time but otherwise it looks like flowy pants and a shirt, which is about all I can stomach when it’s 100F outside. H&M has cute jumpsuits that work well for me, and they’re not too hard to put on and take off for the bathroom since they’re spaghetti strap.

        Today is the first day of my period and moderately warm, so I’m in flowy wide leg pants from Uniqlo, a breton long sleeve, and Cole Haan zerogrand sneakers. Sandals are acceptable at my office. I usually wear business flats M-Thurs since I’m 6′ tall so I use Friday to wear sneakers or sandals.

        Sometimes I run out of time running out the door and my Friday outfit ends up being half business half casual. The weirdest one I remember was black wide leg chinos, a blue/red striped shirt, and red loafers. It was very…clown chic.

    16. White jeans, navy blousy top, navy blazer, navy shoes, orange purse.

    17. I can get away with jeans, but I don’t like wearing them to work. I think the most casual I feel comfortable being is a simple jersey knit dress with maybe a slight flare in the skirt, but it still has to be in decent shape. The jersey dress I used to wear to work all the time has gotten so old and worn it’s now strictly a running errands and knocking around the house dress.

    18. I’m in a casual office and wear a lot of jeans, but draw the line at athleisure – specifically bottoms, ie leggings or sweatpants. I might wear the company hoodie on top of my blouse or sweater if the A/C is freezing (but I take it off for meetings). I also like to wear a nicer top if I’m wearing jeans, so I’m not just in jeans and a t-shirt.

    19. We just switched to a dress for your day dress code. I will never feel comfortable being super duper casual in a business office, but today I am wearing skinny jeans cuffed, Chucks, a white tee and a fuchsia blazer. It sounds weird, but I swear it works.

14. I need to get 2 toilets for a house. I like the Kohler memoirs bathroom things (sinks and toilets) but worry that the pretty one isn’t up to,ahem, the family output. I’ve heard good things about Toto. I’ve never had assisted flushing toilets (where there is extra pushing power). Don’t need/want any bidet type features.

    Any Rex’s for a good basic toilet that I am not always to take a plunger to weekly?

    1. We have used Toto in 2 different houses. If you can, get the dual flush option – it makes a world of difference (and saves water too). I think acquia II is the model we like.

       1. +1 to Toto, they have bigger valves (not sure if that’s the proper term) so they rarely clog

    2. For toilet we got a Highline Classic WHite WaterSense elongated chair height (Item # 331929 Model # 14799-0) from Lowes (Lowe’s version is soft close, HD’s is not) and I couldn’t be happier.

    3. Was just coming here to ask this question, thanks!

    4. +1000 regarding Toto toilets. I *LOVE* our 2 Toto Drake toilets. Installed them in a 2008 remodel. They don’t clog. I recommend them to everyone I know, and a friend who is a landlord is now a big fan as well.

       1. +1 for the Toto Drake. I’ve had two of them for several years and have not had a single problem. I got the model that is ADA compliant height and love it. I’m not disabled, but I’m tall, and it’s also good for when my elderly parents visit.

15. We are getting married in DC and are going the self-officiating route due to the difficult schedule for the civil ceremony at the courthouse. Does anyone have ideas of where to do something intimate like that? Timing wise, it will be a Friday afternoon this summer ideally around 4ish (to keep our dinner plans with a small group of friends after). We would like to avoid the DC tourist scene if possible. I was thinking DC botanical gardens but would love other ideas if possible!

    1. If you want to avoid the tourist scene, the USBG (while very lovely) is definitely not the place to go, it’s right on the mall. If you want outside, you could go over to the National Arboretum, Kenilworth Park, or even Meridian Hill Park.

    2. Hillwood Estate has gorgeous gardens! It’s a private museum/estate, so you have to pay admission and the parking lot might fill up, but I feel like it’s a hidden DC gem. You could also try the Arboretum, especially the gazebo in the Asian garden or one of the clearings in the conifer area. Or the Capitol columns, or the herb garden by the trellis… Can you tell I like the Arboretum? That would probably be more private, and it’s always gorgeous.

    3. If you mean the US Botanic Garden on the Mall, I see security interrupting and general tourists being problematic for you. If you mean the National Arboretum, that would work better (more open, less security, etc). You may also have good luck at the Kenilworth Aquatic Gardens, or Kingman Island for something more rustic. But this is all assuming a group of 10 people or less – more than that you’re likely to get noticed, as this is probably a permit-needed activity at all of these locations.

    4. Congrats! This was covered on a local blog recently: https://www.popville.com/2019/05/wedding-locations-for-a-super-small-wedding/
       My favorites are Meridian Hill/Malcolm X Park and the zoo.

    5. Brookside gardens in MD.

    6. Friends of ours did this–beautifully!–in/near the Melvin Hazen offshoot of Rock Creek. They lived and fell in love in Cleveland Park, and it was important for them to be in nature but in their hood.

    7. Kenilworth Gardens, the National Arboretum, Meridian Hill Park, Rock Creek Park

16. I’m redoing my kitchen and won’t have a stove for 4 months. But we have a gas grill (that I have never used before). Any good books or websites for grilling for basic family meals (not amazing gourmet food but like how to grill chicken so it is neither raw or completely dried out)? How to do a grill cheese on a grill, etc?

    I feel like even a Boy Scout merit badge book would help but missed this part of learning about cooking until now.

    1. you will make your life easier getting a countertop toaster (the kind where you can bake something on a rack) and a small George foreman grill (I’ve never seen a Ross or TJ Maxx that doesn’t sell them)

       1. Agree, we lived off of our hamilton beach toaster oven for 6 months! Perfect little drawer for heating up a slice of pizza or taquitos.

       2. Agree 100%….our kitchen remodel is almost done and we have been grilling on gas grill and using our Black & Decker toaster/convection/air fryer countertop oven. I picked it up for $40 on a sale with coupon and you can make anything in it,….

    2. When we did this we set up a microwave and a portable induction hob (you can get them from ikea) in a corner of the living room. For 4 months I would definitely do that!

    3. I don’t have any specific book recommendations, but if you just google for basic grilling techniques there are plenty of websites. I would also recommend getting a few cast iron pans–a regular pan, a casserole dish, and a griddle would really allow you to use the grill almost as an oven and greatly expand what you could cook on it. For example, a grilled cheese could be made on the griddle, so could things like eggs.

    4. What about a camping stove or an electric skillet? Also, if you have an electric stove/oven that doesn’t need to be connected to a gas line or vented outside, can it just be moved to a different room in your house temporarily?

    5. I recommend getting a meat thermometer for grilling! Checking the internal temperature is easy and the best way to make sure meat is cooked thoroughly and you can look up the varying temps for each cut of meat. I also recommend grilling accessories depending on what you like to make. For instance, we have a veggie basket and skewers for kabobs, you can also use a cast iron skillet on the grill, or just plain aluminum foil ( I would use this route for grilled cheese). There are many “foil dinners” that you can experiment with, usually used for camping but it would work just as well on a grill.

    6. Grilled Chicken: Cut chicken breast up into large chunks (bigger than bite sized). Marinate briefly in a mixture of oil, chili powder, garlic powder and a touch of honey. Heat the grill up on high, then turn the burners down to medium. Put the chicken on the grill. Close the lid. Maybe turn it once – use tongs. The honey will ensure nice grill marks. It will cook in about 10 minutes. Cut one piece open to test it if you are unsure if it’s ready.

       Salmon on the grill: put your piece of salmon on a piece of foil, with the skin side to the foil. Season the fish however you prefer. Put it on the grill, with the foil on the grill. Close the lid. The salmon will be in done in 10 or 15 minutes. The skin will stick to the foil, and the meat will lift right off.

    7. You can get an induction burner for under $50 on Amazon that will allow you to cook like you do on a stovetop. I did that one summer in college while living in the dorms (the cafeteria was closed). You need induction-compatible pots and pans, but if you don’t want to buy a new set you can take a magnet to a thrift store and test the bottoms of pots and pans there (or test the ones you already have). Anything the magnet sticks to will work on an induction burner. I was able to get two or three pots and a skillet for under $10 in a single trip to Goodwill.

    8. I got the Weber grilling book when I bought my Weber gas grill and it taught me everything I know about grilling – direct vs indirect heat, when to use the lid and when not to, and about accessories like a good meat thermometer (please get a therma pen!) and grilling baskets for fish and veggies.

    9. Get a grill basket so you can do veggies on the grill—we line with foil and throw broccoli/asparagus/squash/mushrooms/whatever in it and put in the top rack. They sort of steam/roast and are yummy. Shrimp are also easy in a basket. I have a bowl-style basket and we use it alllllll the time.

       Kebabs are easy! So are naan pizzas—add toppings to naan, put on grill over indirect heat so cheese melts and is bubbly.

       Second the suggestion about foil meals!

    10. My hands down favorite grill cookbook: Master of the Grill by America’s Test Kitchen. Every single recipe I’ve tried has been amazing. Seriously.

17. What’s an “average” number of billable hours that’s achievable in an 8 hour day? I’m considering making a move and would have billables for the first time, and the overall hours requirement seems very reasonable (1500/year) compared to what I’ve heard about. Can that actually be done in a 40 hour week? I’m counting out 4 weeks of vacation/sick/holidays and coming up with an average of 6.25/day. Normal? Easy?

    1. Definitely depends on your practice, but that seems very, very reasonable to me.

    2. 1500 is very low, almost too good to be true for an associate. Can you tell us more? Are there business development expectations? Are you paid salary or a percentage of originations or a combination of both? Are hours that are written off by the billing partner not counted towards the billable hour requirement? (That last one would be a BIG red flag to me.)

       1. +1

          This. In the past 12 months I’ve billed more than 2,300 (yes I’m over it, and while I’m not thrilled I’m not dying) and 1500 can absolutely accomplished in 40 hours. But it’s so low as to raise some questions like Anon at 11:08 points out. Does the firm have enough work? What will your salary be like? How high is your rate? Does the relationship between your hours requirement, rate, and total compensation make sense? Also, if you’re anything like me, it’s hard for me to work efficiently if I have too little to do. The busier I am the more efficient I am, until I hit a tipping point.

    3. That is the lowest hours requirement I’ve heard of and quite frankly sounds amazing, so yes, doable. I’d say 6.5-7 billable in an 8 hour day, depending on how long you take for lunch. I usually lose at least a half hour for nonbillable emails/time entry.

    4. This depends on so many factors. I’m assuming you’re a lawyer. If you’re working on one big matter exclusively at a big firm, easy to bill 8+ in an 8 hour day. If you have a lot of matters, depends on the client billing practices, how much time you lose switching tasks etc. IME targets tend to be high and require a lot of time, so a 1500 hour requirement is probably still a lot of time worked to get there. You’ve got to just try to ask and get candid info from your firm. Answer is different for consulting but I don’t have experience in that to opine.

    5. A 1500-hour target is low by biglaw standards, and definitely doable provided that the firm has enough work to support billables at that level (can’t emphasize this enough!). Billing 6.25 hours in an 8-hour day at the office is quite reasonable.

       1. 1500 is very low! Agree with January that it is a very easy target IF the firm has the work.

       2. It is an easy target if the firm has the work and they don’t do something wonky like cut your hours in a way that cuts your “billables.” Typically, cutting your hours should only hit your collections. I’d also look into what they expect on the collections front.

          1. My firm did this – we had to bill 1600 hours per year AFTER write offs. It was a long time before I realized this was weird and pretty unfair.

             1. Ugh–I’m sorry! I would be so p!ssed.

             2. this. A friend of mine is in this situation. She works like 60 hours a week and literally never meets her billable because of write offs.

    6. I’m in small law, have a billable 1500 target and never make it though my total hours billed to the firm (including admin time, marketing, committees, potential clients) exceeds 2000/year. It all depends on what your role entails and how you operate and what “counts.” My office recognizes all the work I do and has not been upset that I don’t think 1500 billed. We do a lot of personal injury for example and I spend many hours reviewing files for people we decide not to take. It’s work to decide if a medical malpractice case is viable or not. That ends up under non-billable time here.

       I also have a high case load and do so many transitions daily that I lose a lot of my time. It would be much easier if I was just doing chunks of work on a big case. I typically work 9-6:30 or 8:30 – 6:00 and I strive to enter 6-7 hours of captured time per day but only 4 of that is usually billable.

       1. My life is similar. Our requirement is close to that, and I’m always surprised at how hard it is to make it, even though I’m in the office 8 to 9 hours a day. I spend a lot of time transitioning between files, and I admit I’m not the most focused person though, so it’s easy for me to get stalled between projects. When I have a really big file I can dig into for several hours at a time, I find the hours come very easily. My firm is good about understanding how much non-billable work gets into the practice, and also seems to care more about the revenue metric then strictly the hours.

       2. +1. I worked at a firm with a slightly higher requirement (1700). I vastly exceeded it the first three years, and then in the last year they didn’t have enough work and they started shaving off a lot of time. It was insanely frustrating and a big part of why I left. So yes this is perfectly doable but might be a sign they don’t have that much work to give or they routinely shave off time because their clients don’t want to pay.

    7. Doable, but depends on your Market. I’m a senior associate at a Regional firm in the Midwest, and there are weeks when I’m lucky to have 5 billable hours a day due to partner workloads. The biggest misconception I carried with me from law school to the real world was that my workload would be steady. I’m in a transactional position and the workflow is unpredictable. My friends who work litigation at larger firms who constantly have discovery to work on have much more consistency.

    8. Thanks all – this is really helpful and is giving me some good questions to ask/think about. I’m being brought on because the other attorneys have been drowning and recently lost someone (but almost no turnover otherwise), so I’m not worried about the hours being there. I’m being paid salary (around a third of my rate I think), business development welcomed but not required, although I’d get a percentage of anything I brought in. I’m supposed to be talking to an acquaintance who works there next week, so I’ll get his thoughts on whether writing off hours is an issue.

       1. Just my two cents – Lawyers always say their drowning and desperately need help. I’ve been there and been pressured to start ASAP at a firm only to sit around. The acquaintance might be of help to get a read, but I find it remarkably difficult to get a good read of true workflow when you’re in the recruitment/onboarding stage.

          And agree with the hive that 1500 is by a long shot the lowest number of billables that I’ve seen, but I’ve spent my career in big and mid law.

18. Random health question (I have an appnt to see a dr, but I’m new to the area and lead times here are insane– I’ve been going to urgent care (3x!) in the meantime).
    4 weeks ago I had a crazy virus (104 temp) & bad uti. Since then, my ears have been clogged and my throat hurts like crazy (including several day boutes where I lose my voice entirely). I’ve taken 2 rounds of antibiotics and it’s just not budging. Strep tests have come back negative. Probably still have the UTI also. Any clue what might be causing this? Is this just something time will fix? I’m starting to get worn down by feeling crappy for so long. I also just had a baby and don’t have time for this!

    1. How recently have you had a baby? Can you see your OBGYN? If you had that baby quite recently I would be worried about retained placenta and possible infection.

       1. 10 weeks.. I did see him a bunch of times (3x) and he prescribed me the antibiotics, but gently said it’s time to find a pcp… which I’m working on, but it’s tough!

    2. Yikes, I am so sorry. I do think you need to get to a PCP, stat, and ditch the urgent care route (but recognize that’s really hard).

       My best guess is that your immune system isn’t firing on all cylinders because you’re run down and depleted from having a baby. During my son’s 1st year of life, I was sick with weird stuff all.the.time. In hindsight, I was run ragged and my body couldn’t fight off the stuff that normally wouldn’t have been an issue. It got better, but 9 years later, I still recall how much it sucked while it was happening.

    3. Can your OB or pediatrician make a call for you? I’ve found that doctors who think you should see other doctors can often call and get you an appointment sooner than you could on your own. Explaining to the OB or Ped that since you’re new to the area you’re having trouble getting in to see someone and have urgent symptoms, and can they recommend, make a call, etc., might work.

       1. This.

       2. That’s a good idea… I’ll try it.

    4. You need to see your OB/GYN right away. Those symptoms sound really concerning if you just had a baby.

    5. Anecdotally, I know SO many women, including myself, who got a UTI right after having a baby. I feel like it’s one of those super common things that people don’t talk about much. But I agree it’s really concerning that the antibiotics are not kicking it! Can you go back to the OB? If they think you need to see someone else, they should be able to help you get an appointment ASAP.

    6. Did they give you an antibiotic for your UTI based on the lab result or just a general antibiotic?

       1. First round was based on symptoms, then second round was based on 2 positive labs.

          1. Can’t remember er the name of the first one- it was a 5 day dose. 2nd one which I’m finishing today is 10 days of 500mg of amoxicillin (obgyn prescribed 7 days of 250, but urgent care gave me the higher/longer dose for my throat issue and my obgyn said to just go with that).

       2. It’s possible you have a antibiotic-resistant UTI (especially with a recent hopsital stay). I’d do another culture – might be time for IV antibiotics.

    7. can you see an ENT?
       When I was nursing I had a terrible ear infection and didn’t want to take the anti-biotics that would require pump-and-dump. But the infection was pretty bad and lingering so eventually I did take the Rx.
       Also the fluid in my ears caused the eardrum to be so inflamed. I was able to get it punctured in the ENT office (it grows back, apparently) and felt better *immediately* (capitalize and bold face). I hope you feel better soon.

       1. Made an appointment with an ent- shockingly fast for Tues. thanks!

19. Seeking recs for a hairdresser for cut/color in DC or Arlington/Alexandria. I love my stylist but she’s gotten too popular and I’m tired of having to book 8 weeks out. I’ve had Deva cuts in the past and don’t love them – I’d prefer someone who is talented with curly hair without Deva.

    1. Cam at this place:
       Bishops
       1742 Connecticut Ave NW
       Washington, DC 20009

       I went to him when he was at a few other sounds but haven’t visited him at this one yet. My coworker saw him a few days ago. He listens and does great work and I’m someone who is afraid of haircuts!

20. A reminder email from a florist just saved my bacon, so reminding all of you: If you need to order a long-lead Father’s Day delivery like flowers, go ahead and do it today so it’s knocked out before it’s too late!

    1. Related, any Father’s Day gift ideas?

       1. I found a subscription service that sends two cans of interesting craft beer and an interesting non-fiction book through the post each month. He enjoyed the 6 months of it I bought at Christmas so I’ve bought another 6 months for Fathers Day – presents sorted forever!
          (Books Plus Beer – in the U.K.)

          1. This sounds awesome and would be perfect for my dad! I’ll check to see if there’s something similar in the US and report back. Thanks Ribena!

             1. This also would be perfect for my father, please do report back!

       2. For your own dad or your partner? I ordered socks with my kids’ faces on them for them to give to my husband. A little silly but he’ll love them.

          1. That’s adorable.

          2. Where’d you get them? I think my husband would love them!

             1. Divvy Up – I haven’t gotten them yet so I can’t speak to quality, but I saw them recommended elsewhere.

       3. I ended up getting wine from my dads hometown in Italy… why are guys so hard to shop for?

       4. Soft-sided cooler. We’re getting ours personalized with his first and middle initials and last name.

21. I recently switched jobs and do not qualify for the 401k at my new job until January. (I will have an employer match once I do. I have some previous retirement savings from past jobs.) I would like to save some in the interim, but I am unsure how to do so… My combined household income for 2019 will be between $200-205k, so I don’t think I can contribute any more money into my ROTH IRA. What is the best way for me to do this? Also– I’m planning on saving in this manner once I qualify for the employer 401k as well.

    1. Backdoor Roth = no income limits.

    2. It’s probably time for you to start an investment account beyond the non-taxable accounts. I am a big fan of the robo-advisor model. A lot of companies offer that now, just google it and look through different websites until you find one that fits you best.

    3. I wonder if you’d qualify for a traditional IRA during the months between old job and new job’s 401k eligibility.

       1. OP– I have no idea! Hoping someone here will know. We have had a large jump in our marital income in the past year or so, so in addition to trying to get more serious about saving for retirement, we are also now appear to be in a different income bracket than I’m used to dealing with.

       2. You should probably talk to a professional, but my understanding is that Roth / Traditional IRA qualification is based on your annual income. So even if there’s a gap of a few weeks without income, if your joint tax return for 2019 will show an income above the Roth cut-off, your IRA option is the traditional IRA. You can qualify for a traditional IRA even if you are eligible for your job’s 401k too (so you can do both the traditional and your 401k next year,for example; it’s how many high earners put more money away into a retirement account).

          Also, as the first person mentioned, backdoor Roth is an option. The timing of it require some orchestration to avoid a tax penalty, though. There are some good sites that provide a basic overview; I found Biglaw Investor’s page on it to be quite handy.

22. I’m an associate, and recently lateraled to work with a senior partner at a mid-size firm. I generally try to get projects off my desk well before deadlines. She usually starts drafting the day before or day of a deadline. If I draft, she will usually review it the day before or day of a deadline. Some of our clients have expressed frustration to me, because they get drafts a few hours before a filing deadline. I’m looking for tips both on how to address this with clients without throwing her under the bus, and how to improve my relationship with her so we could potentially start reviewing things several days before a deadline. I’ve tried scheduling time, but she usually has a higher priority item come up when we’re meeting.

    For context, we work in a practice area where we generally have about four to six weeks notice before a filing deadline. We usually need to talk with clients in person or on the phone, gather documents, and draft fact driven documents, not canned responses/generic answers. I anticipate as I work here longer, she will trust my work product and I will transmit drafts to clients before she sees them, but as I’m still learning this practice area and we have only worked together a short time, everything needs to go to her first. Her previous three Associates have left the firm, and while she’s complimentary of my work product, other partners have warned me it could take another six months to a year before C trust anything to go out without her prior approval. If you have any other suggestions I can make that transition easier for her, I’m all ears!

    1. So– I have worked with people that share both of these qualities, but not at the same time. At my prior job, I had several clients complain to me about the timeline that my boss was operating on and would call me to get things taken care of, etc. I found this extremely embarrassing and that his part of why I left. Because of how that firm was set up, there was not any way for me to become a contact person for the client, etc. for a very long time, and I only saw the situation getting worse.

       Current job— my boss gets things done in a timely manner but was initially very micro-managy like what you are describing. This lasted for about 6 months and was awful. However, at some point in that period, she realized she had too much to do and just stopped managing me. Nothing blew up, and now everything is fine.

       So– my recommendation would be this– see if things get better after 6 months. That is not a long time, and I do not think it’s crazy that she wants to watch you for 6 months before trusting you to do things independently. If things don’t get better after that, I would really try to get work from other partners (maybe start doing this now) or jump ship. The fact that clients are complaining to you– who they have only known for a few months– and that she has bad associate turnover suggests something is up here. You also should take into account the fact that she is potentially burning bridges for clients that you may or may not be set up to inherit once she retires.

23. Any advice’ I’ve tracked 55 hours so far this week, 45 billable. Usually I have more like 35 billable hours a week. How do you ladies who work all the time handle it? All I have time to do is shower and because I didn’t grocery shop last weekend, I’m ordering a lot take out and eating all meals at work. I’ve got a couple busy months ahead, it’s been several years since I’ve had this much work.

    1. Outsource as many chores and household tasks as possible (whether to actual vendors or others in your household) and lower your expectations about how much you can accomplish outside of work. Also delegate whatever you can at work.

24. Hi All: I am doing an online personal growth program. This month, we are working on Self-Confidence. One of the concepts we are being taught is that self-confidence is tied to your willingness to “feel fear and do it anyway”, and to be willing to fail. I am supposed to do a “Dare of the Day” for the whole month of June. The Dare of the Day can be anything that is scary. Some examples would be: asking for a big discount on an item, making an outrageous request of someone, making a speech in public, etc. The point is to get really good at doing scary things. Do you all have some good Dare of the Day ideas?

    1. Once when I had to do something similar, it was going off the high dive. And later today I’m going to call customer service for a recently opened store credit card to ask them to remove a $30 late fee (first bill, not used to physically writing a check so I delayed paying; will close the account politely if they don’t remove the fee.)

    2. Signing up for a totally new kind of class — pole fitness, rock climbing, intro to Japanese, watercolor? Or if you’re a little artsy but’ve never done it, going to one of those drop in life drawing sessions.

    3. Make a five-year plan (work, life, whatever).

    4. I wouldn’t drag other people in to this (outrageous requests, asking for big discounts). What about doing things alone you wouldn’t normally do alone? I’ve never felt so self-confident as when I’ve traveled to foreign countries by myself which probably isn’t practical for you, but even stuff around your city could be good.

    5. – Run errands while dressed in a way that feels completely out of your comfort zone.
       – Make a point to strike up a conversation with X number of strangers in a day
       – Go to a social or community event that is completely new for you, where you don’t know anyone (anything from going to a rave to going to church – something you wouldn’t ordinarily do)

       This sounds like a cool plan and I hope it goes well for you! The only thing I would request on behalf of the people around you is not to take on dares that put others in an uncomfortable position – things like making an outrageous request of someone (just to have done it) might put them in a really difficult and stressful position, and it seems like there are probably other “dares” you could come up with that don’t inconvenience others.

    6. Go to a dealership and ask to test drive an expensive car.
       Do a chore that has been hanging over your head.
       Reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in awhile, or someone you have A History with.
       My son is roller skating today for the first time.
       Watch a scary TV show you don’t think you’ll like.
       Write down or journal your fears or goals (this can be very scary).
       Try a different cuisine or dish than you think you’d like.
       Go to a store that is not usually in your price range (like either way – if you’re usually Target, go to Saks, if you’re usually Nordstrom, try Walmart).
       Hit on a guy at a bar.

       1. These are mostly great but don’t do the first one. No reason to take the car salesperson away from paying customers. (Obviously if you are car shopping for reals then go for it!)

    7. Put away your phone and turn off any GPS and find your way to a new place in town without any help.

25. Recommendations for an easy to use hair curler? If relevant, I have thick asian hair that isn’t very easy to curl. I accidentally bought a 1 inch Remington because I liked my remington straightener, but it doesn’t have a clamp and is so hard to actually use day to day. Looking for something that will make day to day waves easier, and isn’t $100+ because I might only use it 1-2 times a week at first.

    1. I also have thick asian hair, and I use the 1.25 inch Hot Tools curling iron. It’s the one my stylist always uses on me to achieve beachy waves, too. It’s $40 on Ulta right now.

    2. I use the Miracurl, but it is like $100. It’s the only thing that curls my hard to curl hair and is quick.

    3. I have really thick curly hair and love my conair super cheap curling irons.
       For straightening I go $$$, but for curling these cheapy ones are great.

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