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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
As I mentioned in yesterday's post, stripes aren't typically my thing, but I really like the white/navy/lime colors of this skirt, and the interesting diagonal details, and the two front slits. It strikes me as preppy and fun, but professional and kind of effortless. It was $225 but is on sale at Bloomingdale's for $157. Ted Baker Tijana Stripe Skirt
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Wildkitten
I couldn’t pull off this skirt, but I love it for those who can.
emeralds
OMG I want it so much. This is so so so my style. I probably want this more than anything else I’ve ever seen posted here.
MiRunnerTourist
I just bought this while checking out another Ted Baker item… Was shocked by the fluorescent yellow stripe when it arrived. But after the initial “whoa” factor, loved!! However, I work in the automotive industry in a fairly conservative company. Hmm… Slightly concerned about the (very likely) reactions. Yikes – what do you think? Worth it? Love the outfit ideas BTW!
Cat
Kat, I’m curious if you’re planning to take into account the likes/dislikes from yesterday’s thread. To use examples from my own list, if, let’s say, 2/3 of the readers that mentioned animal print identified it as a “never wear” or stripes as a favorite, would you be mindful to work in more/fewer items accordingly? (Is today’s skirt one of them?) Or will you continue to feature items that would fit into your ideal closet since we obviously stray from commenting on the clothes alone anyway?
Red Beagle
+1. The trend I saw seemed to generally reflect my own choices so I’d be interested in the answer to this question too.
anon-oh-no
I hope not. having lots of options — some of which I would choose and some that I would not — is what makes this blog worth reading.
Cat
Oh – to clarify, because I didn’t mean to sound extreme – I wouldn’t want Kat to, for example, never feature an animal print item again, because I agree that a blog based entirely on average reader preferences would get boring and predictable (and it’s a losing game anyway because you can’t please everyone all the time). Just curious if the frequency of pieces that aren’t Kat’s personal style, but that many readers noted as favorites, might increase (or vice versa).
HSAL
I don’t know where I come down on this. I see Red Beagle’s point – cater to your audience looking for clothing – but sometimes I like seeing things that are totally not my style. I gravitate toward just a few different styles that it’s nice to see something fresh and not me on occasion.
Anon
+1 – fewer and fewer recommendations lately are for anything that I could actually consider wearing in my professional life. But, I am also on the fence for the same reasons. But, yesterday’s commentary seemed to echo that, albeit in an isolated instance. Curious for a response.
Kat G
I’m still kind of on maternity leave so the TPS/CBs are almost all written for the week already (and were before yesterday’s post)… as far as factoring in the choices, yes and no. I always like to represent variety (including pieces that I wouldn’t wear, such as floral patterns or boxy jackets like the classic Chanel look), and I will always include leopard print because I like it and, hey, it’s my blog — but I will certainly try to take into account the responses and include suggestions on how to wear the less-popular patterns and pieces.
AIMS
I think it’s tricky to find the balance between classics that people will actually wear to work on a regular basis and things that are fresh and interesting to showcase on a fashion blog. Some things I think have also gotten a lot less formal than what I would wear to work, but then again I get the sense that a lot of workplaces have gotten less formal too. But I hope that the blog doesn’t shift to just catering to things people already know they like… how would you ever discover anything new that you wouldn’t think to try yourself??
If I had one criticism, it’s that I don’t often think the items featured are a good value. Obviously that’s a very personal judgment, but I find myself thinking that on both Splurge Monday and on Frugal Fridays. Like this skirt is cute for summer and would look great on someone, but it’s a novelty skirt and I don’t think it’s a very good deal even on sale for $157. That’s not a complaint about $157 skirts, but this particular skirt being that much. But as I said – that’s a much more personal opinion and I am sure others would disagree.
Pesh
This is an interesting question and I hope Kat responds and weighs in with her thoughts. I’ve noticed she doesn’t really engage in the comments anymore though.
Bonnie
I hope Kat doesn’t focus on the classics. What I like about fashion blogs is that they encourage me to wear items or combinations that I would not have otherwise tried.
re
Talk about something that accentuates your hips only! There’s a reason most women can’t wear stripes here and this skirt is on sale. Unless you are a toothpick, you should pass on this.
Alana
Some non-toothpick women are ok if their hips are accentuated if their ideal is not a tall, thin hourglass.
Ellen
Yay! +1 I agree! I do NOT like to wear pattern’s that are horizontel b/c dad say’s they call out to peeople to LOOK at my tuchus! I do NOT want peeople to look at my tuchus, but rather at my face b/c I like to look peeople in the eye w/o them lookeing at my boobies or my tuchus. I wish I were thinner, but it is NOT in my DNA, Grandma Leyeh says. She is alot thinner then me so she has different DNA.
I am enjoyeing my time at the Ocean City beach– we went bicycle riding this morning–I made Myrna get up at 6 so we could be out there early, and now we are back in the HOTEL room freshening up for our day–we will go to the pool and the beach and there is a lifegard that I thought was cute — but to young mabye 22. If I were young, I would probabley date him.
By signing on to the web, I just billed 6 hour’s. The manageing partner sent me an e-mail askeing about one file, so I told him where to look. He said that he told Mason to stay in his office except if he needed Lynn for something. So I am NOT the onley one who noticed his nuzzeleing. FOOEY! That should be reserved for the bedroom, not the office. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Nonny
+110 Ellen’s tuchus should be viewed as a National Treasure!
Anne Shirley
My hips are there, stripes or no stripes. I think the diagonal lines towards the knee would be flattering.
Diana Barry
+1. I also like the navy and lime combo.
Anon
I take issue with your statement that most women can’t wear stripes around their hips. I agree that the skirt really does accentuate the area and women who feel self-conscious about or want to minimize their hips should probably stay away from this skirt, but there are also many women who (rightfully) aren’t ashamed of the curves of their body and would happily wear this skirt. I just think it’s silly that narrower hips are the ideal when so many women have noticeable/wide hips. Plus, why does everything have to be flattering?
Agree!
I actually love this, and my hips are one of my larger features.
ALN
+1 to “Why does everything have to be flattering?” says this pear who regularly wears very skinny pants.
Alana
+ 1000 to the comments from Anon, Agree! and ALN.
I understand that many women here are from a demographic that has a tall, thin hourglass or toothpick as the ideal body, but it’s not universal. It’s fine if an individual chooses to avoid horizontal stripes on her lower half.
Also, given that there are Corpore**e Moms who are regular commenters, I wonder what messages some are sending their children about what is an acceptable body shape and size.
anon
Also, my hips are narrow compared to my waist and a skirt like this would help accentuate them.
Anonish
Exactly. I hear so many comments about brands that are “bad” because the “waist runs big” or their clothes are “always tight on my pear shaped hips”
Some of us are built differently. A “woman’s shape” is NOT JUST PEAR SHAPED. There’s nothing wrong with being pear shaped, but there’s also nothing wrong with NOT being pear shaped, and there’s nothing wrong with there being *Some* clothes and *some* brands that just aren’t cut for one shape, but work for another.
I am so sick of things only being cut/patterned for “women” if they are cut/patterned for pears.
Are you a woman? Are you a shape? Congrats, you’re shaped like a woman.
ss
+ another on ‘why does everything have to be flattering?’ from someone whose favourite clothes are all about interesting volume.
nutella
Also, maybe to some accentuating the woman’s body you have IS flattering.
Gimme
Oh Lordy lord are you all soo defensive to a random comment about unflattering clothes. Flattering clothes make one more confident, increases their confidence in all aspects of life.
Anonish
That isn’t what people are defensive about. They are defensive about the idea that stripes on hips are universally UNFLATTERING, because a) everyone doesn’t have “problem” hips, or a problem WITH their hips, and b) “flattering” should mean “makes you feel good”, not “accentuates an area that societally you should try to diminish.”
Lyra Silvertongue
+ 1. I love my (admittedly large) hips and booty so why not accentuate them? I can only look like the best “me” possible, and that me has a traditionally “feminine” figure. Stripes that show it off are flattering in my book!
Bonnie
I’m not a toothpick but would wear this skirt.
Anon
I agreed until I got to your last sentence. I think all clothes should be flattering. Why would someone intentionally wear something that made them look terrible? Even when lounging around, your clothes can be flattering. I have a ton of yoga pants and oversized shirts and sweatshirts to lounge in. I would never buy a pair of yoga pants that looked terrible me. How would one even justify that purchase when looking at their reflection in the dressing room? Even my oversized shirts are flattering because I will only buy colors that look good on me and only wear a v-neck since it’s most flattering for my shape. No one feels good in crappy clothes.
I'm Just Me ...
I saw someone wearing this the other day, and thought it looked really nice. I really like it, but would go with a more subdued top.
Pretty Primadonna
Love this skirt. Not sure I could pull it off at work, but I like everything about it.
Romey
Agreed, it’s a totally cute skirt I’d wear for a night out with a tank of some sort and heels, but I think it’s a tad too sexy or loud for work?
Orangerie
Agreed, I would never wear this to work. It screams c-tails on a patio in Miami to me.
The convent called
It’s a knee length pencil skirt
Orangerie
So it is, but there’s lots of other variables that would make it potentially inappropriate for work. Btw I don’t work in a convent, but thanks for your super helpful concern.
Anonymous
+1. If you wore this to a patio in Miami you would look like a serious frump, or someone from an office on her lunch break.
Orangerie
Good thing I’m not a-purchasing this skirt or b- going back to Miami anytime soon.
The point I was trying to make is that it strikes ME specifically as weekend wear, and I would not wear it to MY office. Obviously I’m not saying that nobody should wear it or that it’s entirely inappropriate for any situation, for pete’s sake.
PolyD
This “discussion” makes me think that a couple of great topics for posts/discussions would be on variation across industries and across the country regarding “office appropriate.” I mean, I know that “know your office” is the most important factor to consider, but it’s interesting to me that some people would not think this skirt is office-appropriate (it would stand out in my office for being so fancy!) and I just wonder for which what jobs and which parts of the US/non-US city it is inappropriate.
Alana
I wonder the same. I have transferred jobs from the Midwest (not Chicago) to the East Coast and it’s interesting to note the greter formality here. Then again the other work was 100% behind the scenes. Officially, both places have the same dress code. In reality? Not so much.
ALN
Oh absolutely. When I read this blog, I always think ‘never leave your office without sleeves’ is a universal rule. But in Portland, sleeveless dresses are widely accepted except possibly for court.
Sadie
Also in PDX, and yeah, I agree that sleeveless dresses are a-ok at work (also in law) except not court. However, I have seen female attorneys come to court for appearances (not trial) in a summer dress with like, a crocheted little jacket type thing, instead of a ‘real’ jacket. Everyone still wears at least suit type separates for trial.
PolyD
On another site I read, someone suggested that a young woman going out on interviews in Portland wear a skirt, sweater, black tights, and Dansko clogs. I can’t remember the field, it wasn’t law or anything super-formal, but it wasn’t super-creative either. Most non-Portland people thought this was way too casual for interviews, but the Portland people seemed to think the advice was very good.
I wore a suit for my interview at a science-based DC Government Agency, as do most people interviewing, but we kind of consider Banana Republic to be pretty high end around here.
Anonattorney
A few Portland people here – anyone want to do a Portland meetup?
TO Lawyer
I love this. I would wear it to work with maybe a cream blouse and a navy blazer and conservative pumps – I think it would work in all except the most conservative of offices unless I’m totally missing something?
I'm Just Me ...
It would totally work in my office.
Orangerie
Wouldn’t work in mine due to the combination of print, color, and front slits. It’s just too loud.
Pretty Primadonna
This is what I was thinking, and my office isn’t all that conservative AND I like “memorable” pieces. It is hard to articulate why, but for me, this skirt, while lovely, is doing a bit “too much” for my taste with regard to work-wear.
Aggie
I think it is the lime green. If you subbed the lime for a robin’s egg blue or a peach, I think it would work in my office.
Anon
At first glance I thought it looked like it was made of some form-hugging ponte, but it’s actually cotton. I bet it looks preppy in person.
Red Beagle
It’s a pretty skirt. It wouldn’t work in my wardrobe because it’s too memorable.
Scully
Yeah, I feel it’s a pretty pick without much thought put behind it. Why would I buy this one-off piece that is pretty solidly weekend wear and super memorable to boot? I know it’s tough to find pieces for every single day in the appropriate price ranges, so I feel a lot of picks are kind of meh just due to the volume dictated by the thrice-daily post format.
I feel like this blog looks like my closet- lots of random pieces, no discernable style. I’d love to see more outfit suggestions featuring past picks. Or even a skirt and a top that would look good together in the same post (actually shown, not just linked via text). Most popular fashion blogs do this, but it’s lacking here.
Anne Shirley
This would get a ton of wear in my wardrobe , and I wouldn’t mind that it’s memorable. One Monday with a white button down, nude pumps, subdued jewelry. Another Friday with a solid baby tank in summer, sweater in spring, navy peep toes and a gold necklace. It would work with nearly all of my boring basics.
Sydney Bristow
I really like your outfit suggestions. It’s outside my budget right now, but I could see wearing it with these suggestions.
Lady Tetra
I like it a lot too! I have a similar yellow and navy striped skirt, and it’s a summer staple. I love it with a crisp white shirt and navy blazer.
JJ
Different strokes for different folks. I love this skirt. I like having some memorable pieces in my wardrobe. Not everything (for me) needs to be solid navy blue/black pencil skirts and solid color tops with a solid color cardigan. It’s perfectly appropriate for my office and I could see many of the female partners at my firm wearing something similar.
January
Love it, but couldn’t see myself wearing it. Great eye candy, though.
anon
What’s the quality like of sole society shoes?
LawyrChk
Re Sole Society shoes, I responded on the sale thread, but I think it’s pretty good (for the price point, especially). Most have leather soles, good quality hardware and generally pretty comfortable. I’ve got a pair of patent flats that look pretty good after a fair amount of wear.
Carrie...
Interesting choice, but it doesn’t seem professional to me at all. I looked at it and immediately saw someone hanging out at a pool party. The skirt would be in neoprene and the shoes jumped out at me and I imagined they were jellies.
I’m a size 2-4, but I think these wide stripes would still scare me a little! I do agree the diagonals near the knee add a flattering touch.
non
Posted this way too late last night, but hoping for some wisdom from you all on a work issue.
I started a job in October doing 50/50 A and B, where A was higher level work than B. Then 2 people left the org and I asked to replace B with C (which was at the time a part-time role), and also take on D (budgeted for part-time, never actually executed) and E (brand new projects). Put another way: starting job = A+B; current job = A+C+D+E.
I asked my boss for a raise and basically got blown off. At minimum, I saved my org the cost of on an additional part-time person, and I’m doing C+D at a much higher standard than the previous occupants. I also think the role I’ve taken in E is strategic and senior level, plus it’s something our Board has been pushing for. Actually, all of the aspects of my new role are things the Board was pushing for.
Did I blow my chance of a raise by not getting it set before I took the responsibilities, or by actively lobbying for the change? I waited because our new fiscal year is starting soon and I wanted it to be part of that discussion. Or was I wrong to ask for a raise at all?
nutella
I think you should have asked for a raise, but you can’t change the past. It sounds like you have an opportunity with the fiscal year approaching, do it now! State all the reasons you listed here – don’t be shy!
Carrie...
I think you deserve a raise, but I probably would have waited until the year review mark to ask. You’re a pretty new hire.
But if you feel you can’t wait for 1 year review to tout your extra duties/expertise/value because $$ is allocated now, then I would go speak to your boss now.
non
Thanks – I was hoping to split the baby by getting the details sorted out in the budget, and having the raise be effective on my 1 year anniversary, but I didn’t even get that far in the conversation! My boss told me the budget is tight, but i know for a fact that I saved the dept. money, so that doesn’t make sense to me.
I’m planning to bring it up again and even if I get a no, at least I will get an idea of what I need to do in the future.
Brant
Devil’s advocate here…do you have any sense of how your boss has perceived your performance? It may turn out that the discussion needs to be about removing some of the stuff on your plate rather than paying you more. I have no way of knowing how you pitched it to your boss, but worth thinking about is:
“Boss, I was hired to do A and B. Now, I’ve got A, B, C, D and E on my plate. Can we talk about priorities/ how i”m expected to fit this all into my day?” You are only really saving the company $$ if you are performing the duties of 2 complete FTEs for the price of one. A compromise might be to get you a resource or to shift some of your work to other departments. Or…if your boss says “you’re doing a fantastic job!” then you should start the compensation conversation.
Anon
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask ahead of time – it’s not a bad idea for them to know going into the new year that they should consider room in the budget for a raise for you. If that is not working out, though, consider stepping back from some of the responsibilities. I think you said you work until 9-10 every night? That’s insane. It’s ok to have a frank discussion with your boss saying that you cannot realistically keep working that late and that you thought the workload was temporary, but now that it is not they will have to adjust their expectations on when things can feasibly get done.
Anonymous
I have never worn contact lenses but am now considering them. I only wear glasses in meetings and when driving at night so my vision is not terrible but does need correction (not sure if this matters). Before I make an appointment with my doctor, what are the pros and cons I need to know about? Thanks in advance!
Maddie Ross
As someone with horrible, terrible eyesight, the cons for me of wearing contacts are very few. They only occasionally bother me when traveling (really long flights or car trips) or when swimming (fear of them falling out). However, if I only needed glasses occasionally, I probably would not bother.
OttLobbyist
Something to consider is how dry your eyes are and how dry your environment is. The air in my office makes it so I can only wear contacts on days when I am in and out of the building for meetings, or they feel gross. On feeling more ‘attractive’ or ‘youthful’ with glasses, two points – get used to glasses or contacts now, because if they are just for occasional use now, there is a good chance that it will change to something more permanent. Secondly, don’t discount how glasses can be a signature, and youthful, if they are the right ones. I love my frames so much that I actually feel less attractive in contacts (also weirdly exposed…). Hopefully your eye doctor will help you find the best fit for your needs!
Aggie
I have terrible eyesight and have worn contacts on a daily basis for the past 20 years. Even though my glasses prescription is up to date, I see better in contacts. (I am fully aware that this could all be in my head.)
I have found that the daily disposables are the most comfortable and most convenient. If my eyes are drying out, I can throw them away and switch to glasses without carrying a medicine cabinet in my purse. Before you commit to a style or brand, ask your Doctor for samples and give each one a few days trial run.
Red Beagle
+1. I’ve worn contacts since I was 18 (several decades) and have always worn soft disposables or extended wear with a very high water contact so have never had a problem with comfort. My eyesight is truly awful (I’ve always been nearsighted but add to that astigmatism and being over 40) and my contacts take care of all of that. That being said, I did just buy a pair of office-drawer backup glasses on one of the online s i t e s for those days when something irritates my eyes and I just have to bail on the contacts (maybe once a year). I recommend contacts if you need eyesight correction fulltime as I do, but since it sounds like you just need correction situationally, I would enjoy rocking several pairs of glasses as fashion accessories. Go Warby Parker or Coastal or Zenni and get yourself a pair for every mood!
HSAL
So I’m clear, do you only want to wear contacts when you normally wear glasses? Or you’d leave them in all the time? I used to wear contacts 24/7 but a couple years ago I switched to daily disposable – those might be a good option for you if you’re not wearing them all the time, but it would be a pain to be taking contacts in and out based on a meeting/driving schedule. I have to wear mine all the time – I love having contacts but I wear my glasses often as well.
Anonymous
I would like to wear contacts all day but not every day. So, say I have a busy day with lots of meetings, on a day like that I would wear contacts instead of taking my glasses on and off. And on a relaxed day I wouldn’t bother. Not sure if this is a good idea.
posey
I don’t mean to be snarky, but is taking your glasses on and off really that big a deal? If it is, can’t you just wear them all day?
I’ve been wearing contacts for like 20 years and they’re a pain in the butt. Glasses are way more convenient.
Anonymous
Well, of course I can but I don’t want to. I am young and attractive and I would like to not wear glasses if I don’t have to. If this sounds vain to you, I am fine with it.
BB
I totally get your need to be “vain,” but maybe you just have the wrong frames? I wore contacts for 20 years because people (mostly my mother…sigh) always told me I looked better without glasses. This year, one of my eyes started rejecting the contacts for some reason, and I had to do glasses full time. I got glasses that I would never have chosen normally (thick bold plastic frames, whereas I used to only get thin wire ones), and they look great. Extra bonus is that I’m also young, and it makes me look a bit more serious for work.
I miss the contacts for sports and rainy days, but honestly think that if my eyes ever recover, I would get my frames replaced with non-prescription lenses and still wear them to work meetings like an accessory.
LilyStudent
Get nicer glasses. I’m also young and attractive and I have glasses that make me look either young and serious or young and fun depending on when I want to wear them
Anonymous
Just to clarify, my glasses are very nice and stylish. I just don’t like glasses, period.
posey
Jeez. I wasn’t judging your vanity. You asked whether it was reasonable to consider contacts in your situation and my answer is that no, it’s not, because taking your glasses on and off is not that big a deal when compared to how annoying contacts are.
Anonymous
Oh, posey, that was not what I was asking. Of course it is reasonable for me to consider contacts. I do appreciate your comment, though.
HSAL
Then I think it’s worth checking out daily disposables. They’re cheaper than I expected (but still more expensive than ones I tossed monthly), but a year’s prescription actually lasts me about 18 months, so you could start out with just one box (enough to last three months) and see how you like them.
As far as attractiveness of glasses, though – I look awesome in mine.
January
So, the major downside of contacts for you is that you can’t easily take them off and on the way you do with glasses. You’d need to decide that you want/need correction all the time. I’ve worn contacts for a very long time now and am fine with them, but I know some people find that they get uncomfortable as they get dried out. Replacing torn lenses (even if you wear disposable lenses) can also be annoying.
ALN
I have a friend with vision like yours and she mostly sticks with glasses but I believe she has dailies for special occasions.
I have terrible vision and I greatly prefer contacts to glasses. But I need them all day, not just for certain activities.
Spirograph
Your eyes need to get used to contacts in order to wear them comfortably. If you were going to wear them all day every day (or at least most days), I would say to go for it. But if you only plan to wear them once or twice a week, you’re probably better off sticking with glasses. Also, if you spend a lot of time on the computer at work, many people find glasses a lot more comfortable… your eyes are drier anyway reading a computer all day, add contacts to that and you’d better keep eyedrops at your desk.
waffles
+1
If you aren’t used to contacts, they will feel more prominent to you. I have found that the dailies are less comfortable than contacts designed for long-wear, not sure if they are thinner or have rougher edges?
Most eye doctors will let you try one or more brands (maybe at a small ‘fitting fee’). If it’s your first time, it’s definitely a good idea.
Sue
I have worn glasses since my teenage years and only started wearing contacts about 3 years ago. I only wear them on occasion e.g. social functions, going out in the evening etc. I don’t see the problem with your approach. But it’s true that they take getting used to, my eyes get tired and I usually max out at about 8 to 10 hours. Also depending on the kind of prescription you have i.e. cost -wise your doctor may suggest something longer than 2 days. The ones I use are good for two weeks then you have to dispose of them. You may also notice that depending on the season your eyes may react differently
Anonymous
I have dry eyes, and even with dailies and drops I cannot wear my contacts all day- it’s just too much for my eyes. Especially during allergy season. I use dailies when exercising, doing something that would require sunglasses, and once in a while when I got out.
Contacts are not my favourite, and I think dailies are kind of expensive, but they work well for 3-4x a week, because unlike monthlies or two week pairs, I don’t have to open a new package unless I’m about to wear them, so dailies work out to much cheaper and because they are thinner are easier for my eyes to tolerate. When I travel it’s a pain to carry around 20-40 contacts, but at least I don’t have to deal with solution.
Pink NYC
I’ve worn glasses or contacts for over 20 years now and I think the only con would be cost, or if the contacts will annoy you when you don’t need them. I have horrible eyesight so I have to wear something to see. I realized that unlike when I was younger, for my job and such, I prefer glasses for everyday. BUT, I splurge on the daily disposables for when I’m traveling, doing sports, or going out. Since I only use them occasionaly, I don’t mind using them for a few hours then tossing them. On weekends, when I have a morning workout and then run around all day, I’ll forget that I’m wearing contacts until the evening when my eyes are dry and tired, so I don’t find your plan to use them all day on some days a problem at all!
Anonymous
Thank you so much, everyone! I really appreciate your comments. Thanks again!
Wildkitten
I like the overnight version – they allow more air at your eyes so they are good for your cornea even if you don’t sleep in them.
anonsg
Contacts are nice but if you are staring at a computer screen all day, remember to blink and look away every once in a while. You can wear nonprescription sunglasses and you can get wet in the rain without having to dry your glasses. Also, you don’t get any of the glare, reflections, or smudging that comes with glasses. And if your eyes are not very deep, you can wear mascara (some annoying smudging or oils might get on your glasses, for instance).
Cons? The cost is much higher than if you wore glasses. You have to remember to pack contact lens solution when you travel, you have to spend more time in the morning putting them in and cleaning them and taking them out at night and cleaning them. You have to buy contact lens cases and clean them regularly. You have to remember to keep backup ones on you at all times (or your pair of glasses) just in case you lose a contact in the middle of the day. You have to remember to bring eye drops for contact lenses if your eyes dry out.
One piece of advice – it is probably better to get dailies than get 2-week or monthly contacts, especially since it sounds like you’ll be wearing them for a long time during the day. I only say this because I used to wear monthly contacts, and I wore them for a long time during the day and threw them out monthly but I ended up with corneal neovascularization. I had to wear glasses for at least 2 years, and then afterwards when I asked if I can get on contacts again, the doc’s recommendation is that I can only wear them 2-3 times a week, and for less than 12 hours at a time, even though the blood is no longer near the cornea due to the blood vessels that were formed when I was wearing contacts.
Pros about glasses? Great accessory, and you can have a few pairs to switch up your style. :)
MJ
I would also ask what the per pair or per box cost is (ordering from your doctor). Eye doctors often push “newer” brands of contacts (and even get trips and prizes for prescribing certain brands as kickbacks). I have had PRK (like Lasik), so I don’t wear contacts as of about a year ago. That said, I liked Surevue and Acuvue which were tried and true and about $10/box vs. some other kinds which were newer and about $30/box. As another commenter mentioned, being able to toss a pair that’s bothering you is priceless, and at about $2-4, you don’t feel bad. At $8+, you might keep a pair in that’s not worth it. I always had to “fight” my doctors from upselling me to new kinds of contacts which didn’t fit as well and cost triple. I wore contacts for ~25 years before I got my eyes done.
Also, DO NOT get any long-wear type contacts (where you can sleep in them or remove them every few days). Really dangerous from a bacteria and oxygen standpoint. Don’t do it.
MNF
How do you all use linked in, if at all? I just got on it and don’t really know what to do with it.
Carrie...
I’m in medicine. Don’t use it.
marketingchic
I use it to stay in touch with former colleagues. I have also used it to find candidates when I am filling an open position.
What drives me nuts are the salespeople who use it to essentially cold-call me. No, Random Advertising Sales Guy, I don’t want to connect with you . . . .
Orangerie
Even worse are the people who try to use it as an online dating service.
AIMS
I don’t use it. I know I should but I just hate the idea of having to deal with people I otherwise avoid.
Question: is it like FB where everyone you’re linked to can see your network of connections or is that not visible? E.g., if I am “connected” to Bob and I connect to Sally, does Sally see that Bob and I are connected?
Anon
I’m not on LinkedIn, but my understanding is 1) yes, and 2) that it goes a step farther, in that if you even look at someone’s profile on LinkedIn, they will be able to see that you looked at their profile (even if you don’t contact them/message them/connect with them).
Sydney Bristow
I can’t remember if there is a way to keep you connections private, but you can set it up so you show up as Anonymous when viewing other profiles. You can be completely anonymous, identified with just your job title/company, or completely as yourself.
Orangerie
This is only true if you have a certain privacy setting turned off. You can view profiles completely anonymously if you wish, but the flip side of that is you can’t see the list of who viewed your profile. If you get LinkedIn premium, you have the option to browse anonymously while still being able to see the full list of who looked at your page.
Anonymous
ETA: While I was getting the posting error a thousand times, a few others already said essentially the same thing.
You can turn off the feature you describe in (2), but it’s a two-way street–people can’t see that you’ve viewed them, but you also can’t see who viewed you. I’m okay with that trade-off, but I know others like to see who is viewing them and are just more careful about being logged out when they view profiles.
Lynnet
I’m on LinkedIn, and these are both correct. Mostly, I like using it for the ability to see if I’m connected with someone. So, for example, if I want to make a contact at Merck, I can search to see if anyone in my network knows anyone at Merck. Then, if I feel comfortable enough with that person to ask for a recommendation, I can do so. I prefer not to do this for job searching purposes, but for more general networking or specific questions regarding cases/issues I’m working on.
I also use it for research on opposing counsel and parties, or potential witnesses, although I try to be more careful about this since I realized they could see my profile.
mascot
To avoid showing up as having seen a profile, use the Google cached feature to view the page.
Anonymous
1) A person can only see who has viewed their profile if they pay for the premium version of Linked In.
2) You can change your account settings so that a person can only see that a person from your organization viewed their profile – not your name or photo. You can also switch to totally anonymous.
rosie
I don’t think #1 is true. LinkedIn shows me a few of the people who viewed my profile and then invites me to upgrade my membership to see everyone (I don’t have any kind of premium membership).
Anonymous
I think you are wrong about #1. I don’t pay for LinkedIn but I get an email every week telling me who looked at my profile.
Sydney Bristow
I keep it updated as a sort of super version of my résumé. It has all the bullet points and jobs even though I typically narrow it all down for my actual résumé. I’ve also used it to look at job postings and looked at the profiles of employees at companies I was interested in applying to so I’d have a better idea of what people did there. I’ve never used it to network with people I don’t know, but I could see doing that at some point. A connection of a former coworker of mine works at a company I’m really interested in so if I ever start seriously considering applying there I might ask my former coworker to set me up with his connection.
Cb
I link to interesting projects that I’ve worked on as well (that have a web presence) and public presentations that I’ve done. I’m in academia so it’s not the preferred medium but you never know when you’ll make an interesting contact.
I really need to weed out my contacts though as I’ve moved industries and continents.
Tunnel
I only use to connect with other lawyer friends mainly. It’s good to know where they are working, etc., especially if you ever go on a job hunt! My husband (in sales) actually successfully networks through it. He’s only friends with people he does business with and who will recommend him or who he can recommend. He hates it when people use LinkedIn like facebook and regularly purges.
Anonymous
I use it to keep track of my professional contacts and where they work. When I was job searching, if I was applying somewhere I could scroll through my Linked In contacts to see if I knew anyone who worked at that organization. That way I could contact them to get inside info on the organization to see if I would really want to work there. This is actually how I got my current job because the contact put in a good word for me.
Wildkitten
+1 this is what I do.
Pretty Primadonna
LinkedIn was an invaluable resource to me when I was looking to relocate to a different state. I joined professional groups related to my practice area and reached out to people for informational interviews. Not everyone responded, but the several who did were quite helpful. One woman even alerted me to an open position at her organization and forwarded my resume to the hiring manager.
I also use it to track people’s career trajectories. For instance, I know I want to be X executive position in organization A in ten years. I research people who are currently in X executive positions at organizations similar to A and track their work experiences. It is helpful to see what types of former positons lead one to X executive position.
I have also been recruited for positions based on my LinkedIn profile.
Otherwise, I use LinkedIn to keep up with professional accomplishments of friends, classmates, and former colleagues.
Anonattorney
I’ve been told that the “correct” way to use social media is the 70-20-10 formula: 70% posting educational content (news stories, studies, industry news, etc.), 20% forwarding other people’s content, 10% directly promoting yourself. I think this rule varies a bit depending on your platform, but I *think* it generally holds true.
On LinkedIn I keep my profile current, but don’t include as much information as I would include in a resume. I then post a variety of business news, link to other contacts’ news, and then occasionally include news about what I am doing personally. I have no idea if it has any effect, but that’s what I’m trying to do with it. Who knows, it could be a complete waste of time.
Anon - Housing/life choices
What is the polite response to friends who just bought a house in the burbs (40 miles from downtown) and are both super excited/happy and also pushy about how they think we should do the same? We are of the “smaller place, centrally located” mindset, so the idea of moving that far out for more space will never appeal to us, but that seems like an impolite response to someone who is happy about their own choices.
Anon
I think you can just say “we like where we are at, but I am so glad you found a place you love too!”
Senior A t t orney
“Thanks for thinking of us! We’ll let you be the test case. If you’re still this happy this time next year, we’ll give it some thought!”
And presumably by this time next year they will have calmed down and won’t be so pushy. And if they are, you can say “Okay, we gave it some thought and we’re happy where we are!”
Senior A t t orney, Speaking of Houses
Oops… wrong place
nutella
They are happy with their choices, but like many people still would love their friends to be near them. You do you; they do them.
Lynnet
Your friends sound like my husband and I, and for the most part when we’re being pushy we’re joking around, we don’t actually expect the person to be interested in moving out there. Sometimes, for me at least, it’s a semi-conscious defensive pushback to what I see as judgment of my choice to live in the ‘burbs, or what I think is an inaccurate depiction of what life in my suburb is actually like. If I were you, I’d just laugh it off and not respond, or say you’re not interested in moving, or you couldn’t handle the commute. I’d guess the response least likely to stop the comments would be any kind of criticism of their new area.
Munich
And the comments here are a great example of why your friends might feel defensive and judged about their living choices…
Maddie Ross
They are most likely just looking for validation for a life decision that they are only 50/50 about. A big house in the burbs has a lot of benefits, but that commute will be hard.
HSAL
Yep. And they are probably desperate for friends out there.
Carrie...
Totally agree. Be nice about it, say you are looking forward to a visit, but you’re happy with your place.
Anonymous
A couple in my group of friends did this. They’re kind of smug marrieds/parents, so it’s not all that shocking that they have the whole smug burbs thing going on too (if that’s a thing, idk). When they moved to the middle of nowhere (it’s not even a suburb, it’s farm country), they expected everyone to come visit them all the time. Well, the rest of us all live close to each other, no one has kids, and most of our activities still involve alcohol so… we don’t really want to drive 2+ hours to watch Timmy’s soccer practice. Unless we can tailgate it. And you’ll drive us home.
My guess is that your friends are worried they won’t see anyone anymore. If you’re willing to go visit them, let them know you can still hang out on weekends, but otherwise you have a second bedroom/air mattress they’re welcome to use when they come to visit you.
Anonish
“We don’t actually like you well enough to make any effort whatsoever to see you because we feel superior because we are all still childless and will get our drink on and you’re boring and married and have the gall to be happy about it”
Who is smug again?
Kellyandthenblog
These are some of our friends, but with kids. We had a house in the burbs and were miserable, so we sold and relocated to a city. Now we actively try to get people to join us. Probably bad haha
Senior A t t orney, Speaking of Houses
I’m getting the keys to my new house today!! Gonna start tearing out walls as soon as we can get the permits from the City!
Big fun!!!
new homeowner
Congratulations! How exciting! Best of luck!
I am closing on my first home at the end of August. Any tips?
Senior A t t orney, Speaking of Houses
Heh. Bring a wheelbarrow full of money to the closing. ;)
But seriously, congratulations to you! My best tip is to resist the temptation to buy a bunch of stuff for the house before you’ve actually closed and lived in it for a little while. I did that with my first house and ended up with a bunch of not-quite-right furniture. Take your time and pin the stuff on your Pinterest boards instead of actually buying it! (I have Pinterest boards for every room in the house, plus the front and back yards!)
In the Pink
Once you’ve gotten the place, take a piece of graph paper and outline the dimensions of the rooms. Then you can make cutouts of your furniture (to scale) and plan out each room…. might make the move in processes easier.
They do make magnetic and dry-erase gizmos that are the same way and less math-intensive.
I second the pinterest boards (although I have old fashioned file folders with magazine pages torn out in them). It’s important to determine what you like, what you are drawn towards so as you acquire new pieces and décor it becomes a unified “you.”
Happy closing, moving, and decorating!
Blonde Lawyer
My mind is blown – I just called Bank of America with a question about my last two credit card statements and got excellent customer service. They even offered to waive my interest charges without me even asking. While their policies should certainly be clearer and I shouldn’t have been charged this residual interest in the first place in my opinion (I had paid bill in full but still got charged interest for both residual interest AND on all new purchases that should have been in their grace period but were taken out of their grace period due to the residual interest). I have to say that Dave Ramsey was right, when you play with snakes you are bound to get bitten. That said, anytime I have been “bitten,” I call and ask about what happened, they explain it, and waive the charge.
Cb
That’s always good to hear about strong customer service. I was super impressed with our insurer post-burglary. We had replacements within a week and they were very supportive and helpful throughout the whole process.
Carrie...
Good to hear. I am happy to say I disliked my experience with B of A and left that bank with my money (put it in a Fidelity “bank account”) 3 years ago. They are pretty desperate to transform their image, so I suspect they are instructed to give better service now because they have lost so many customers.
I was very sad when my primary credit card (AmEx with Fidelity) changed their associated bank to…. B of A. Aarrggh!!!!
I still dislike them.
prior BOA employee
FIA Card Services, who your Fidelity card was previously managed by, is Bank of America. It’s the same place.
BOA has managed Fidelity cards for at least 5 years.
Blonde Lawyer
Yeah, I had MBNA which changed to BoA and I was livid. That’s why I was shocked to finally get good customer service. I normally post on here ranting about things so I figured I should give just as much energy for good service!
Munich
My husband and I are planning to spend a week in Munich in early September (not during Octoberfest). There is so much to do that I’m starting to feel overwhelmed! Any tips on the absolutely must sees/dos for Munich?
Anonymous
Mike’s Bike Tours. Go the first day to see the city, then go back to places you’d like to see more of. Pinokatek Museums are also great
Alanna of Trebond
When we went, we rented a car and went to the castles of Bavaria nearby — I think Neuschwanstein is must-see (get there early!) and Hohenschwangau is nearby. You could also drive into the Tirol region of Austria and see other castles there, or go on a luge (Biberwier). The engineering/mechanic museum was awesome too. Nymphenburg and Amelienburg palace were also very pretty.
You can also visit the highest point in Germany if you haven’t been to the mountains in Austria/Switzerland — Zugspitze. Was pretty and fun.
You must visit Marienplatz and see the clock there.
Oktoberfest was the best though. I would definitely go try some beer at various places though — I think Hofbrauhaus is good. And Kaiserscharm (sp?) — so delicious!
Munich
Thank you for all of the recommendations! Our plan is to spend most of our time drinking beer and eating sausages, with the touristy activities taking second place to just drinking in the culture. We don’t want to be stressed out running around from museum to museum and castle to castle, but it’s hard to narrow down the list!
Out of Place Engineer
I second Mike’s Bike Tours. They are all native English speakers and it is a ton of fun! I also loved the Deutsches Museum, if you are into science museums. Kind of south-west of Munich is a darling city called Garmisch-Partenkirche. You can check out Mad Ludwig’s Linderhof, his only completed residence, which is near there, too.
DC Association
I went to Munich in about 2008 and went to the Oktoberfest museum, where we had “Second Breakfast” which is bier and sausages. Highly recommended. (I only say 2008 because who knows if they still do this there 6 years later.)
Flying Squirrel
Day trip to Neushwanstein (sp?). So worth it. Snow White’s castle in Disneyland is based on it.
amberwitch
All we ever do in Munich is eat bayern food and wander around. I recommend (knusprieges) sweinhaxe with apfel kucherl for dessert – it’s been good at Andechser am Dom on Weinstraße 7a, but is generally good everywhere. If for some reason you don’t want beer, most places have a wide selection of fruit schorles, very refreshing.
Try restaurant Steinheil at Steinheil strasse by the university – very cheap and plentiful food. Their wienersnitsels are larger than their plates – and it is communal sitting (everywhere but the upscale places are communal, but it is very obvious with all the students)
You should go to the foodmarket next to Marienplatz. So many specialty shops – a whole row of butchers, even a horse butcher, several seafood places. And the locals are eating outside, so cosy. When they bring out the white wine and the crabs it seems very glamorous.
The surfers in Englische garden is also a sight worth seeing, and not too much of an effort to wander by.
OklaAttorney
My husband and I went to the BMW museum while we were in Munich a few years ago and it was great. I highly recommend it if you or your husband have any interest in cars at all. We mostly went for my husband’s sake but I ended up really enjoying it since it was neat to see all the old cars and motorcyles. I believe the museum is near the old Olympic stadium. I also enjoyed just wandering around and eating lots of sausages and drinking in the culture. While wandering around we found a great store called Holz Leute (“wooden people”) for nice wooden souvineers if you’re interested, such as real German-made hand-crafted nutcrackers, etc. And even if you don’t want to spend a whole lot of time running around or trying to see every attraction, driving out to Neuschwanstein for a day trip is definitely worth it. It’s beautiful! And there is a lot of interesting history there with King Ludwig and then the Nazi’s stolen art.
Also in Academia
I lived in Munich in college (so bear in mind this is all about 15-20 years out of date . .. ) Regensburg is an easy day/half-day trip and they have a wonderful Boys’ Choir at the cathedral there. If you like history, particularly WWII, visit the University. The memorial/monument to Sophie Scholl there is really neat, it looks like the leaflets she scattered but it is inlaid into the floor. Google will have to help you there, I’m not sure which building it is in. Dachau is also an easy train ride but is emotionally draining, so visiting there depends on the purpose of your trip. In Odeonsplatz (just off Marienplatz by the Theatinerkirche) you can visit notable sites as well as walk sort of through the palace there to get to the Hofgartens, which are nice and restful, I always found. Of course the gardens sometimes got invaded by large tour groups, but not as often as the rest of the city. Just take a lot of time and walk around. I recommend the Schwabing neighborhood for this as well as the general center-city area. Also, explore the various ticketing options available on public transit to save a few Euro; there should be weekend passes or some kind of all-inclusive options available. And now I have Heimweg (can you be homesick for somewhere you only lived for 4 months as a student? Apparently so).
Munich
Thank you everyone, these recommendations are amazing! I’m glad to hear that our wandering around drinking beer and eating sausages plan is the preferred way to experience Munich. I’m definitely going to check out the Mike’s Bikes Tours, that sounds right up our alley. I definitely want to see Ludwig’s castle and the Deutsches Museum, and the other suggestions seem like they’ll be wonderful for the narrowing down process (and the beer and sausage recommendations will help fulfill our vacation mandated 3 hours of drinking time per day!)
AN
Neuschwanstein schloss
Day trip to Salzburg and Innsbruck
Dachau if you’re into WW2
Cb
Is there such a thing as a comfortable strapless bra? The seamstress recommends one for my wedding list but I tried on some yesterday and yikes! I’m particularly sensitive at the moment b/c of a lupus flare but still. The dress is already quite structured and I’m tiny up top so tempted to go without.
Maddie Ross
Go for a built in one in your wedding dress. So much more comfortable and no slippage.
BB
Agree with this. If you’re pretty small, you probably don’t need much support (i.e., underwires), so can you just get bra cups sewn into your dress?
mss
I did this. It was very easy.
LeChouette
try a bustier – like the le mystere one. Much more comfortable than a regular strapless and the le mystere material is really soft. I didn’t even notice I was wearing it.
anne-on
Seconded, the bustier was really soft and comfortable, and Bloomingdales will offer 25% off codes on them pretty regularly. Plus, if you want your photographer to take any shots of you getting into your dress it offers a lot of modesty for your photos. I was more covered up in a bustier and underwear than I am on a beach normally.
AN
Apparently yes. I think you’re in the UK so get measured at rigby and peller or bravissimo. They are the best. I am flying to london tomorrow and that is on my to-do list.
anon
does “conservative business attire” mean a suit every day? if not, then what exactly does this mean/ what’s out of bounds? An internet search has not been terribly helpful on the matter
Clementine
Not trying to sound difficult, but the answer is ‘it depends’.
Generally, I take ‘conservative business attire’ to mean dark suits and crisp blouses or shells with closed toe pumps with less than a 3′ heel.
Depending on where you are geographically and office-culture wise, acceptable may range from pencil skirt with a cardigan, all the way to ‘you must wear hose at all times and no shoulders can be shown with blazers worn daily.
In general, the Northeast tends to be more conservative, the West tends to be more casual, the South tends to be more ‘lady-like’, and the Midwest tends to be slightly more traditional. There are exceptions everywhere. Also, industry-wise, law, government and finance tend to be more formal/conservative, while academia and other creative fields are more relaxed.
anon
so if we’re talking DC government, that’s more on the side of suit everyday?
Anonforthis
Federal government agency in DC, or the government of DC itself? For federal government, it depends on the agency. At mine, it really means dressy business casual. There are, however, a few women in my office today wearing skirt suits and Birkenstocks.
Anonymous
I’ve worked in three federal agencies in DC and have only encountered a couple of people (always men) who wear a suit every day.
anon
Can I ask which ones?
Bonnie
For government jobs in DC I think it means you can throw on a jacket and go to court. So you could also add dresses and jackets. It would probably be best to only get. Few classic conservative pieces now and see how people dress.
NYC doctors?
NYC folks – any recommendations for a primary care physician in Manhattan? I haven’t been to a (non-obgyn) doctor in years. Thanks!
Wanderlust
Any specific area of Manhattan? On the UES, I recommend Dr. Debra Green.
NYC doctors?
Thanks. I’m flexible on location, with a slight leaning towards the west side. Really, I just need to find any doctor at this point!
Anonymous
Anyone at Weill Cornell’s Tribeca office. THey are the best!
Batgirl
I’m getting married in the fall and am debating whether to change my last name. I don’t particularly like my last name, but I don’t like the idea of losing it entirely for a variety of reasons. I am also really attached to my middle name (it’s a family name) so I don’t want to replace it with my “maiden” name and then take my fiance’s name. I’m also in a state that doesn’t allow two stand-alone last names, I’d have to hyphenate. Not interested in combining names into one new last name.
So my choices appear to be: Batgirl OldName, Batgirl OldName-NewName, or Batgirl NewName.
My question for the group is this: is changing your last name to “Batgirl OldName-NewName” as much of a pain as changing it entirely? Could I hyphenate it legally but then still get by socially/professionally with my original last name and/or the two last names but without the hyphen (i.e. Batgirl OldName NewName)? Will this make it a nightmare down the line (i.e. medical records misfiled, harder to get kids from school, etc)? Will it make it easier if (and I pray this never happens) we end up getting a divorce down the road?
I’m trying to be pragmatic about what I want (to keep my old name but also to have a joint family name) without creating a new name or having something that will be really cumbersome for me and/or any future kids we may have. That said, I would probably just give kids my fiance’s last name and skip the hyphenated thing altogether.
Curious for your thoughts and experiences–more from the practical side of things than the philosophical
side, though I find all that interesting as well.
Thanks!
anon
I find that most women who try to use both names usually end up being referred to as Batgirl Newname, and a lot of people seem to feel free to drop the Oldname even if both are listed legally/professionally, etc. So I think that realistically your choices are more like Batgirl Oldname or Batgirl Newname
Monday
Unfortunately, I agree that this tends to be how it goes. I’ve known a lot of women who intended to go by both names, but none actually have in the long run. My SIL also tried to register with various authorities under two last names, and they listed her old name as a middle name.
So I think it’s a combination of other people taking shortcuts and the women themselves not wanting to be inconvenient.
ALN
I think this is true, but possibly less likely if the names are hyphenated. When they are hyphenated, it’s harder to drop one and easier to correct people if they do try to drop one. Plus if they are hyphenated, then you can pick the order so that your maiden comes last, since people often drop the first last name when they are standalone. I usually don’t like hyphenated names, so I’m surprising myself by coming up with arguments in favor of them.
Tunnel
+1. Personally, I just tacked my new name onto my existing name as is on my official documents (social security, passport, etc.). Professionally, I am technically Tunnel OldName NewName, but I go by Tunnel Newname. I do still like technically having my maiden name in my name though (and our nonexistent future children will have it in their name too, like a second middle name).
FWIW
I was previously Jane M. Smith and hyphenated to be Jane Smith-Jones. At work and in general, I go by Jane M. Smith, and really only use Smith-Jones on very, very, very rare occasions. In fact, my credit cards/accounts still say Jane M. Smith but my Social Security card says Jane Smith-Jones.
If I were to do it all over again, I would just stay Jane M. Smith. Part of it is that many friends and coworkers know me by my (maiden) last name. I’ve been called this name (think ‘Smith-y’) for 20 years and they’re not going to change now. I’ve even included ELLEN caps for added intensity.
Yes, it is just as much (actually, MORE!) of a pain to hyphenate your name. Yes, things are always misfiled and nobody knows how to file my hyphenated name. You will also be told by people (like the Social Security office) that they don’t know if they can put it in the system like that. They almost always can, but it’s usually a 40 minute ordeal.
Also, people seem to not believe me when I say my name is Jane Smith-Jones. My MIL constantly and CONTINUALLY likes to perpetuate the idea that my name is now Mrs. John Jones. It drives me absolutely crazy. I still introduce myself as Jane Smith, but when I’ve tried out Jane Smith-Jones, people just call me Jane Jones, which also doesn’t work for me.
It bothers me so much, I’m looking very seriously into changing my name back. Without a divorce, etc. this is a serious headache…
Anon in NYC
I didn’t change my last name. I never had any intention to, my husband never had any intention to change his name, and he and I have theoretically agreed to make up a new last name for our kids.
So many of my family and my in-laws assume that I’ve taken my husband’s last name. It drives me nuts too. I REALLY thought prior to getting married that I would not care about being introduced (or having mail directed to me) as Mrs. Husbands Last Name. Turns out, I do. It’s not my name.
So, OP, from a practical standpoint, it might not matter if you do/do not change your last name at all. You could still be known as Batgirl NewName regardless of what you choose.
anon
I have a friend who kept her maiden name legally/professionally, but just doesn’t object when people socially call her Mrs. Newname. I think she had a similar sentiment to that of the OP, and my friend has been really happy with this compromise
anon
I disagree- from a practical standpoint it does matter- her children will certainly know what her name is and isn’t- they will know that their mother chose to keep her own name. And anyone whose opinion is worth caring about will know and respect OP’s decision to keep her own name.
posey
disagree. No one knows me by my husband’s last name. I would throw a fit if my in-laws persisted in calling me/introducing me with my husband’s last name. That is some serious overstepping of boundaries.
anon
well, if you didn’t set your boundaries that way, people probably would call you by your husband’s name. I’d probably react the same way as you to that, but I’m just saying that if it’s something that OP likes in some contexts, chances are people will call her that at some point, or assume she and her husband share the same name. I kept my name too, and plenty of people call me Mrs. Husband’s name. If I didn’t make a big deal about it, they’d continue to.
Anon in NYC
Anon’s point was what I was trying to say (inarticulately).
Batgirl, I think it would be challenging to legally change your last name and go by your original last name socially/professionally. I would think it would be far easier to not legally change your name and go by a new last name socially because it almost happens by default (if you do not set boundaries with people, like Anon/Posey indicated).
Batgirl
Great suggestion, Anon in NYC! I actually hadn’t really thought about that option (which I’ll admit is telling)!
Not Mrs X
Anon at 1:25 — no one has ever called me by my husband’s name – with two small exceptions noted below — and I didn’t have to “set up boundaries” to make that happen.
(Exceptions: A couple of wedding gifts addressed to “Mr and Mrs. X,” from people we didn’t know that well, and then my spouse is a teacher so if I see his students they usually call me Mrs. X and I don’t bother to correct them.)
Katie
I didn’t change my name and have run into the same issue. Even worse than Mrs. Katie HusbandsLast is Mrs. HusbandsFirst HusbandsLast- and not even from some batty old aunt, from a cousin in her twenties for their Christmas mailing. We’re friends on Facebook, so it’s not like it’s hard for her to check my name!
Suburban
I didn’t change my name but I do use my husbands name socially. I sign “the husbandslastnames” on cards and use it on social media ( works really nicely to keep professional contacts from friending me randomly.). Most of my personal correspondence comes to mrs. Husbandslastname and I still get a kick out of it. This stuff is tricky and this compromise works for me. I’m really not worried about the impact on the kids that we’ll likely never have.
anon
how about asking your husband to change his name? if he says no, then I think you should think twice about changing yours.
posey
I agree with the sentiment but this isn’t what she’s asking.
anon
Sorry, couldn’t resist. I can’t get over how it’s still acceptable to so many self-entitled feminists that changing your name is presented as choice to women but not men. As long as only women are making the choice, it’s sexist and patriarchal and if you’re going to go along with it, at least have the grace to admit it. This is not necessarily directed at OP though she does mention wanting to have a uniform family name- again, why can’t her husband hyphenate his name or take her name entirely?
Anon
I think you mean “self-titled”, not “self-entitled”
Signed, FirstName HisLast (my choice, which I have the right to make)
anon
@anon at 1:18 pm- you’re right and thanks for the correction ;)
Anonymous
1. How is it any less sexist or patriarchal to keep your father’s name?
2. I take issue with the attitude that “you can’t call yourself a feminist unless you think the way I think.” Feminism is about treating woman as agents capable of making decisions about our own lives, i.e., treating us as people. I have a right to choose to keep my name, change it to my husband’s, or change it to something else entirely. Personally, I’m much closer to my fiance’s family than I am to mine, so I am happy that I will get to take their name and I won’t have to keep either my father’s or my mother’s name.
anon
1. we need to start somewhere (personally, I have my mom’s last name). of course you could argue this back to the start of time. if you had your mom’s last name, you could argue it’s your grandfather’s name. the point is that women are making a “choice” that men are almost never asked to make- how is that a feminist choice?
2. yes, you have the right to take whatever name you wish and I would want that right to be taken away from anyone. what I hope for is a time when women realize that their “choice” is actually a choice whose context is dictated by society/patriarchy and until it is a “choice” that men are called upon equally to consider, it is sexist.
Tunnel
Your position is annoying. You can be a feminist and still choose to use your HusbandsLastName.
anon
Tunnel- I’m not saying you can’t. But it’s not a feminist choice. I’m a vegetarian, and I wish I were a vegan, but I’m not willing to take the extra step. So it’s a cop-out on my part because I abhor how dairy cows are treated. But I acknowledge that my choice is the anti-animal welfare one, even though I consider myself someone who is concerned with animal welfare.
Batgirl
All I would add to the question about why keeping your father’s name is any better than taking your husband’s name from a feminist perspective is that it may be your father’s name but it’s also the name you were born with. For me, it’s more about keeping my name from birth to death (which is why adding onto it doesn’t bother me as much as changing it altogether) because, even as a woman, I’m entitled to a fixed identity that isn’t contingent on my marital status. The passing-it-down question is different for me because that’s more entrenched and I do kind of feel like it’s easier to choose one name rather than combine names and I just don’t care enough to make it mine (because it’s not as important or personal to me as the other is and because, frankly, I like his last name better).
Not a choice for everyone, but that’s where I see the difference.
Nina
@ Tunnel: Actually, no. You have every right to make that choice, but you can’t be a feminist and change your name for no reason other than marriage to a man. Every other alternative to doing that can be feminist, at least arguably, but taking your make husband’s name is not.
And yes, actively choosing to take a man’s name—choosing a practice rooted in property rights—is much worse than keeping a name that was involuntarily bestowed on you, even if that name was given to you because it was your father’s. We show who we are and what we believe by the choices we make. Period.
Katie
My last name is as much MY last name as it is my father’s or my brother’s. It’s the name I was given and identify with. Saying that I’m just keeping my father’s last name basically implies that as a woman my name does not belong to me- it belongs either to my father or my husband. That’s precisely what I’m fighting against in keeping my name.
Anonattorney
I changed my last name to my husband’s name because I liked the way it sounded. I think my identity is much more than the name I was born with, which I didn’t choose in any way. I am the sole breadwinner in my relationship, my husband plans to stay home with the kids or work part-time, and otherwise supports me in everything I do. Am I not a feminist?
Batgirl
Self-entitled feminists? I’m going to assume that’s not directed at me, but regardless, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing to be rooted in feminist feelings. And most feminists I know have considered all of these problematic options and gone with what they find to be the best compromise under the circumstances.
I do identify as a feminist, but I honestly just don’t care about the bloodline, name-inheriting piece (much as I find it rooted in patriarchy) as much as I care about the changing-my-name-as-an-adult piece. Call that what you will, but for me, my feminist objections are outweighed by my preference for his last name and preference for not having hyphenated last names for our kids (for both aesthetic reasons and what-do-you-do-once-they-get-married/have-kids reasons).
As for the why-doesn’t-he-change-his-name part, he’s offered to do so, but I don’t particularly want him to change his name fully either. If we both combined/hyphenated, it’d be more egalitarian but it’s not important enough to me to make him or our kids deal with the hassle. I’ll admit that that’s a bit of a cop out, but hey, I’m picking my battles here.
anon
Definitely wasn’t attacking you, Batgirl. My beef is with women who choose to change their names (and usually not as a result of having a conversation about whether they will change it or their husband will- it’s never a choice presented to the husband) but refuse to admit that their “choice” is grounded in a patriarchal system. To me, whether to change your name is a highly symbolic choice that has actual consequences for feminism. So while it would be easier to change my name or hyphenate my name (I also like the idea of everyone in the family having the same name), it’s more important to me to take one for the cause , so to speak. It seems like you’re acknowledging that your choice is the easier one for you to make, even if it isn’t the egalitarian choice.
Batgirl
Totally agree, though I don’t like the fact that feminists are often held to such a high standard. You can be a feminist and have some of your choices be less-than-feminist. At least you’re making some feminist choices!
I’m definitely acknowledging that the kids-name piece is just easier. I also haven’t decided what to do there yet, either but that’s where I’m leaning.
Really, I think of these as two separate battles–(1) do grown women change their identities (as symbolized through their names) at marriage and (2) do men’s names take priority when it comes to passing down a last name? I feel very strongly about #1 for myself (though I don’t see adding his name as a hyphenate to conflict with those feelings because it’s based more in “losing” than in “adding or changing”) but less strongly about #2. I suppose it’s because #1 seems so directly tied to my identity while #2 is a bigger picture “the world is sexist” kind of thing. Also very problematic, of course.
For me, the real thing with hyphenated names is just that children end up having to decide whether to have FOUR last names if this plays out across the board. And if they’re not doing that, then which names get chosen and which get dropped? Seems like it’s not a permanent fix, but merely a one-generation fix.
posey
“For me, the real thing with hyphenated names is just that children end up having to decide whether to have FOUR last names if this plays out across the board.”
This is the problem. Not that your future grandchildren could have four names (also a problem but different problem), but that women about this problem, and men do not. Or if men do, they’re thinking, I wish my fiancee would change her name to mine/give our children my name so our grandchildren do not have four last names. Whereas the woman is thinking, Should I change my last name to his/give our children his last name to avoid the four-name issue?
So yes, it is a woman’s choice to decide whether she takes her husband’s last name. I agree with that. But until both genders think about the four-name problem the same way, saying “It’s my choice” without thinking why it’s your choice and not a man’s choice is a cop-out.
I’m not trying to personally attack anyone, and I have no real solutions. And ultimately there are much bigger problems in gender equality than names. But it does annoy me when women flippantly say, “It’s my choice!” without thinking about the underlying issues.
lawsuited
Just chiming in to say that my husband and I both use our own last names professionally, and both use MyLastName-HisLastName socially. Neither of us changed our names legally, because we have professional designations that would be irritating to change, but have assumed MyLastName-HisLastName for almost everything but our business cards and passports. I sometimes get called Lawsuited HisLastName by my husband’s family members and am very gratified when he corrects them.
posey
I never changed my last name and it hasn’t been an issue at all, aside from random guilt-tripping from my in-laws. We have a kid and her name is hyphenated, and I feel kind of bad about saddling her with that, but my husband hasn’t offered to change his name to mine so that we could all have one name, so I haven’t offered to change my name to his. Our family has three people with three different last names. Totally normal!
But seriously, not an issue. I’ve never had to “prove” I was married (even when we had the baby and I brought our marriage license to the hospital just in case) and when people ask me for my address I just list our two names separately. Most people get it. And for every piece of mail I’ve gotten addressed to Mrs. Posey Husband’s-Last-Name, he’s gotten a letter to Mr. First-Name Posey’s-Last-Name.
Batgirl
Thanks, this is helpful!
anon
+1 here too – I never changed mine either but do go by “Mrs. HisLastName” socially/with family, but not for work/email/anything official. It’s worked out without confusion, but I don’t have kids either.
V250
I chose to hyphenate my lastname because my maiden name is quite rare and I wanted to hang on to it. I go by maiden-hisname and it can be a pain with forms sometimes, but nobody has ever been confused or had trouble with it. The only trouble is I have the world’s longest work email. My children have their dad’s surname.
AEK
Just +1 to posey’s comment. This has been my experience too. I’ve never had to “prove” my marriage, even when dealing with my stepson’s school, etc. And I love it when mail comes to Mr. MyLastName! Sometimes my name is on bills, sometimes his; it really doesn’t matter. By the same token, I don’t care if businesses, etc. address mail to Ms. HisLast, because they might have only one “household” name on file. The biggest annoyance I’m facing is that after four years of marriage some of my family and friends still can’t remember / spell my husband’s name. My dad is the worst offender on that.
profmama
+1. We are Mr. Lawyer, Dr. Profmama, and Baby Profmama-Lawyer.
Neither of us wanted to change our names. We both wanted to take each other’s last name as a middle name, but that ended up being more hassle than changing last names. So we kept our original names, gave the kid both, and will let her sort out what she wants to be called (if the hyphenated last name is too long) when she grows up.
There’s really no social/ professional distinction regarding the last names – in our circles, it’s pretty common for family members to have different last names. The only problem we ever encountered was on our honeymoon in Antigua, when the desk clerk couldn’t handle a married couple with different last names, and the woman with the title Dr. (which I use when I travel, but not socially). Oh well…
Katie
Aside from my mailing issue above, I’ve met basically NO resistance (well, that I know of!) from anybody, including a fair number of religious conservatives on my mother’s side of the family.
Calico
Batgirl, in case you’re still reading this: I was in your boat exactly! I use my middle name plus last name professionally and feel too established to change it. Also, I really love my middle name + last name. I told my husband that I preferred to keep my names the same and he was totally fine with it. He even felt sentimental about my old name because “that’s who he fell in love with.” The surprise came after our wedding when he started using my last name plus his last name with a hyphen. It’s hilarious to me, and confusing to some, but we don’t mind. After our wedding my family and friends starting calling me Mrs. His Last Name with out even asking. Ha ha! I’m happy to keep my old name legally since I’ll be getting Mrs. His Last Name frequently anyways. :)
Not Mrs X
Can I ask what part of the country you are in? I wonder if it varies by location, whether people automatically start calling you Mrs. His Last Name. Hasn’t happened to me (DC).
Calico
In a major city on the west coast. Family is from New England.
Senior A t t orney
I have now changed my name three times:
Maiden to Firstmarried
Firstmarried to Secondmarried (BIG mistake!!)
Secondmarried back to Firstmarried (because I had it for a long time, I liked it, and I wanted to match my son)
If I had it to do over again, I’d have kept my original name, and my girl children would have had my name, and my boy children would have had their father’s name.
I do know one person who successfully hyphenated (and her husband successfully hyphentated, too — yay!!), but I agree it’s rare. And in the alternate universe in which I hyphenated I would absolutely insist that my husband do the same.
Katie
We’re naming our first my last name if it’s a girl, and his if it’s a boy. Second will get the other last name :) We initially wanted to divide it between boys and girls, but I think we’d both be bummed if we had either all boys or all girls and didn’t get to use both. Since we hope for two or three kids, I think this will work out.
Lyra Silvertongue
I hyphenated and it has worked fairly well so far (married 4 years). Yep, expect some snark from people- DMV, SS, family, friends. Best friend from law school even said that she thinks women who hyphenate seem like they have “one foot out the door.” Other than that and the occasional paperwork mix-up, I’ve found it works well and seems easy for people to use socially. I’ve found that people call me by the hyphenated name (with the exception of MIL and SIL, of course). That being said, 2 factors that made it easy for me were :
1) we both have mono-syllabic last names. Thus my hyphenated name is still only 8 l e t t e r s.
2) we got married in our very early 20s, so there were less transitions- during most of law school and basically all of my professional life so far, I have been Jane Oldname-Newname.
ALN
The mono-syllabic names definitely makes a difference. I am planning on changing my two standalone last names, that are both long and difficult to spell and pronounce to my partner’s easy to spell and pronounce, two-syllable name. But if I had a different maiden name, or just the one last name instead of two, I might consider hyphenating. Oh, and if my two last names were hyphenated, you can bet the house that I’d drop both.
Mary Cactus Verylongname
I have a complicated name (and then I got married). It’s complicated because where I live, double-first names are common (so I’m Mary Cactus). Cactus is my mother’s maiden name, so no way can I give it up. If I’m keeping Mom’s name, I’m also keeping Dad’s name (which is very long).
Then I got married. I’m still Mary Cactus Verylongname. I’m not pro-hyphen (maybe for Smith-Jones, but not for me). My children are all SimpleButFrequentlyMisspelledHusbandsname.
If I die first, I guess I get a solo tombstone next to my husban’s plot (assuming he doesn’t remarry) for me as Mary Cactus Verylongname (dear mother of Mary Oaktree SimpleButFrequentlyMisspelledHusbandsnam and Anna Cactus SimpleButFrequentlyMisspelledHusbandsnam and wife of Husband SimpleButFrequentlyMisspelledXRQE (will ultimatley get misspelled at some point). At some point, no one will no who I am when I am dead (and what if the girls all change their names — this wouldn’t be an issue if I had had sons!).
Instead: dear mother of Mary Oaktree and Anna Cactus (will someone think these are last names?) and second (and perhaps final) wife of Husband SimpleButFrequentlyMisspelledHusbandsnam?
I may just have to get cremated.
Easy if Husband dies first: big tombstone for him with his name on it and slap my name with (beloved wife) next to it when I go.
ALN
This whole thing cracked me up. Brilliant. A+. You win the internet.
Parfait
I kept my name when I was a married lady. It was fine. I did get the occasional random piece of mail or phone call for “Mrs HisName” but I just laughed. There is no such person; even his mother has a different name. The only people I cared about who had a hard time with it were elderly relatives and I was able to be gentle with them.
All of my friends who have tried to use a HerName-HisName combo seem to be dropping their own name over time. People love to say “The HisNames” when talking about couples for some reason. I don’t quite get why – they managed to say “Jane and Bob” before the marriage, why does it have to be all “the Smiths” now? Sigh.
Re the children: I do have one pair of friends where she kept her name, and the first kid got HerName and the second kid got HisName. Everybody manages to keep track of who they all are without any problems. It’s not necessarily an all or nothing choice.
Lyra Silvertongue
Friends call us the “HerName-HisNames” which I love and which does not bother my husband. The short names have a fun uphill-downhill quality too.
Katie
Our “family name” is a portmanteau of our two last names. It started as a joke by our friends when we were dating, along the lines of Brangelina, as has morphed into our friends’ and families’ name of choice :). Our last names also start with the same letter, so it’s fun sharing the same initial- and I’m excited my family silver engraved with my last initial can get passed down with no issue!
Lynnet
I ended up changing my last name and having two middle names. So, if my former name was Lynnet May Smith, my new last name is Lynnet May Smith Jones, where my middle name is May Smith and my last name is Jones. I’m an attorney, and professionally I go by Lynnet Smith Jones. It causes some confusion, but I didn’t want to give up either of my names, and it was a good compromise.
It also took me two years after I got married to decide if I wanted to change my name at all. Once I decided I did, it took me another year to stop being lazy and actually get it done, so I didn’t change my name until I’d been married three years. I’m really, really glad I waited, if I’d done it right after I got married, I would have felt I was being forced into something, when I finally did it, I knew I wanted to do it. To his credit, I know my husband wanted me to change my name, but he never once pressured me about it.
Batgirl
This is an option I’d considered, too. Any chance you did this in NY? Was it hard to change the middle name or part of the marriage certificate process?
Anonymous
I think it goes by county. When I was married, I was told that I could not change my middle name without a court order (so, I could not replace my middle name with just a marriage license), but I’ve heard of other people who were able to do so.
Lorelai Gilmore
It seems unlikely that anyone is still reading this thread, but just in case: When I married Luke Danes, I changed my name to Lorelai Gilmore Danes. I go by both last names. My last name is alphabetized under G for Gilmore Danes, not D, and when I fill out forms, I list “Gilmore Danes” as my last name.
It’s really fine. I occasionally get a question, but basically no one cares. In retrospect, I probably would just keep my maiden name and stay Lorelai Gilmore forever. But at the time I was making the decision – and agonizing over all the feminist and professional and personal and familial implications – this was the best I could do. Alternatively, I would have hyphenated and been Lorelai Gilmore-Danes.
Batgirl
See, I wish the two-name thing were an option but NY only lets you hyphenate. Decisions, decisions (and yes, I’m still reading!). Thanks, all!
Also in Academia
I kept my maiden name as a sort of middle name. The DMV explained it all very seriously to me, but I cannot remember if I have to list it as a middle name or as a last name with a space in it. I’m pretty sure at some point I will be arrested for impersonating myself, which seemed to be what they were saying could happen if I do it wrong. So it can be complicated . . . I should have taken notes.
In the long run, my ultimate realization is that it does not matter one bit what you do as long as you are happy with it. Your family, colleagues, future children, etc, will adjust to whatever you want. The only person who sometimes gets confused is my work-study student, because I get mail addressed to my old name but she only knows me by my new name. And that lasted about 5 minutes until she realized it was me.
I am a feminist, and I believe that you have the right to make this choice, not that there is only one choice you can make and still be a feminist. There are no feminism police, except maybe anonymously on the internet. This is why young women are rejecting feminism. Let’s work on equal pay instead, shall we?
upstate anon
Batgirl, I changed was married in NY and moved my madien name to the middle without trouble (dropping the original middle name, for which I had no affection).
I’m in a conservative upstate county and it was no trouble. Professionally, I used all three names spelled out, largely for business development reasons. Unlike Lorelai, HisLastName is my last name, so I alphabetize under that name. However, I’m at a a new job and one of the new admins has registered me under my madien name for a couple of events, but it’s worked out.
I might mess up the details on this, but I’m 90% sure my old boss changed her name legally, but retained her madien name professionally. In her professional community she is known exclusively by her madien name. I knew her for years before I worked for her and I had no idea she went by her husband’s name socially.
Alice
This is encouraging! This is what I am thinking of doing, but am wavering because I’m worried my current last name will be relegated to middle name and then dropped all together.
thatsnotmyname
No advice, but I kept my last name.
What frequently happens is my husband getting addressed as ‘hisfirstname-mylastname’ since people assume I have taken my husband’s last name!
It’s funny to see the whole patriarchal system of last names backfire in this case.
Katie
My husband has experienced the same :)
DowntownBK
Batgirl – If you’re still reading, I am in NY and just went through the name change process. I legally changed from First Middle Maiden to First Maiden HisLast. I like using my new name legally and am transitioning to using it socially; I also expect our children to have HisLast (though likely my Maiden as at least one middle name for the future kids).
However, I’ve continued to use my Maiden professionally. So, business cards / email signature are: First OldMiddleInitial Maiden. I have really liked this compromise (though I will caveat by saying I’m not a lawyer, so don’t have any sort of licensing under my maiden name). I still get to keep my old name for work, so it feels like I haven’t really “given it up”, but at the same time I like that our family will all have the same last name, which I like (though of course YMMV). Many people suggested that it would be difficult to keep using my maiden professionally, but I really haven’t found this to be the case. So, if that’s something that might work for you, just wanted to let you know it’s totally doable!
Congrats on the marriage!
Batgirl
Thanks so much for your answer and the congratulations!
Do you know if it would work to add my maiden name as a second middle name? Just debating the options. Thanks!
In search of blazer
Hi ladies–shopping hunt for anyone who might be able to help. One of the few items I have that fits me well at the moment is a black halogen suit (sheath dress+blazer). I’d like to get a non-black blazer that I can wear with the dress when I don’t need to be in a suit/looking quite so severe. Possibly a gray or navy with black piping (or even something like a tweed or dark plum or other color that isn’t too loud). I am a size 12 (or petite 14) if you feel like scouting. I have a pretty short torso so a longer blazer definitely won’t work on me. If there’s any way it could end up under $100 that would be amazing. Thanks in advance for any ideas!
SuziStockbroker
I was born with a hyphenated last name (my father’s last name is hypehnated), which I kept when I got married. My husband also kept his name.
Our children have a third, hyphenated name (part of my name hyphenated to his name).
My preference would have been that girl children get my last name and boy children get his but I am OK with this compromise.
My MIL had an issue with my keeping my name (too bad, so sad) and likely had an issue with our childrens’ names (knew better than to say anything by then).
It does just push the issue one generation down the road. My daughter will have to decide to drop part of her last name if she wants to hypenate names of her children with her children’s father, just like I did. Of course, it could be “my part” of the name that she drops.
Of course, she could also give up her name entirely (although I doubt it) or name one or more of her children with just her last name.
That’ s not up to me though.
For the most part, people who don’t know me well assume I hyphenated with my husband, as it is unusual for a woman my age to have a hyphenated birth name.
My middle son will for sure drop my part of his name if he decides to hyphenate with his wife for his kids. No idea what the little one will do. Again, not up to me.
It’s a bit complicated and it’s not perfect. But what is?