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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This skirt from Boss has a matching top (which is on sale), but I think it's better by itself. I love that it combines navy and black with other colors — I think it's really fun. You can go classic with white or black or navy on top, but you could also wear a green top, or red, or purple, or another complementary color, which would be lovely. It has a hidden side zip, and (bonus!) it's machine washable. It only has one review so far, but it's very positive (and make sure to take a look at its size suggestion). The skirt is available in sizes XS–XL and is $215 at Nordstrom. Ebienne Stripe Pencil Skirt
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For a more affordable skirt, try this one from Karen Kane, and for plus sizes, there's this one from Nine West.
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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Thank you for the earlier posting, Kat!
Also, pretty skirt.
Purple line
Yes, thank you Kat! It’s a treat to have a fresh post to read on my morning CTA commute. Hope everyone else’s day is off to a good start.
Shananana
Over the weekend I somehow ended up in an intense conversation with friends about how I am “too picky” after saying that I didn’t want to be set up with someone due to super opposite political views. I’m very single, and have never complained to them about being single, honestly I’m pretty good with it most of the time. This was a omg, we should set up up with so and so, and I said absolutely not, I’ve seen his facebook posts, I have no interest. Cue chorus of I’m too picky, he’s really a nice guy.
This led me after this to think back on some of the conversations on this site after the election about people who realized just how far apart their politics were from spouses/significant others and how they were dealing. I’m curious 18 months later if anyone has any updates on how you are handling politically different relationships in the current climate. I know this is not the deal breaker for some that it is for me, but I’m genuinely curious how people make major fundamental differences like that work.
Anonymous
I mean it depends on who you are and who he is. There are people out there still who barely vote, arent watching the news 24-7 and their reaction to most policies is — shrug, while others rant. I’m one of these people — it causes friction with friends who are wanting to hate the prez and annoyed that either you don’t or you don’t care. If it causes friction with just friends, I can’t imagine being with a bf who is a SJW.
Anonymous
Can you not be rude?
Anonymous
What was rude? I’m talking about how I am, not how you or anyone else should be. Just because I don’t want to be around SJWs and don’t want to sit around hating on the prez doesn’t mean you can’t do those things.
Anonymous
SJW is rude. The term. It’s an insult and you’re using it as one.
Anonymous
You’re single? No way! You seem like such a quality lady.
Anonymous
Can we not insult someone for being single?
Anonymous
I don’t see what was rude about your comment, FYI. It seems perfectly reasonable and true to me. Some people don’t care about politics, and that bothers other people. You don’t want to date someone who causes friction with your friends. How is this rude/unreasonable/uneducated (as someone said below)?
Anonymous
SJW is an insult and she is using it as one. That is rude.
Anonymous
what is SJW?
Single jewish (?) woman? Like SWF?
emeralds
SJW = Social Justice Warrior, used as a pejorative for progressives by white nationalists and misogynists.
Anonymous
I had never heard that one before.
But hey… I kind of like it! We can take it back!
Anonymous
Single justice warrior? Like SJW seeks same? Maybe this is a label that can help you write a personal add likely to work for you?
Anonymous
I’m a progressive, I still think SJW is an applicable insult for people who are too ideological, inflexible, and quick to take offense. There are terrible conservatives and terrible liberals, and I think the terrible liberals are often of the ‘SJW’ type. Sorry if that strikes a nerve, but we have to be able to look at the flaws within our own movement as well.
Aunt Jamesina
You live in a democracy. Use your brain and engage with it.
LaurenB
Yep. “As long as they aren’t doing it to [people who look and sound just like me, what do I care?”
Nice. Um – this is a site for accomplished, professional, thoughtful women. Part of being that is having some level of engagement with the outside world and the politics and policies that affect all of us. Otherwise, go back to some mommy blog where the biggest issue of the day is who is going to drive whom to soccer practice.
Anonymous
Ok, stop. That’s unnecessary. No need to label every mother as vapid and self-involved. People have to take care of their own house as well as the great “house” of our community/state/nation/world.
Anonymous
I don’t think she was criticizing all Moms. There are “mommy” blogs of which she refers.
And I think we all DO know Moms like that.
LaurenB
I’m a mother. I wasn’t labeling all mothers as vapid. There ARE mommies who are, though, and mommy blogs that are vapid.
anon
Yeah…I’m failing to see how this comment is rude.
Anonymous
You all need to chill — I meant social justice warrior. I don’t see how that’s rude since many of you are SJWs. And to the person telling me to use my brain — I do, to make $$ not to fight for causes.
Anonymous
Yes we know that’s what you meant. It is an insult and you are using it as one. Please go away.
Anonymous
People just love to be “helpful” when you’re single. I just remind myself they love me, they want me to be happy, and try and ignore the misguided stuff. You know yourself best.
Ellen
Kat, I had to look SJW up b/c I thought it was religous, but it is NOT. For the rest of the HIVE, It stand’s for Social Justice Warrior. I personally am NOT, but would, if I had to, MARRY a SJW if he was otherwise eligible, meaning, he had a good job, wanted to have kids IMMEDIATELY, and was willing to move to Chapaqua with me and the kid’s ASAP! Grandma Leyeh thinks I am picky, and I might be, but I refuse to let any man have S&X with me before I am confident he would be eligible in the above criteron. I do NOT think that is all that bad. Why should I let a man see me naked if I do NOT think he is marrage material? That is NOT picky. FOOEY on men that just want to have S&X without any desire to please me or marry me! DOUBEL FOOEY!
January
+1.
(Also, I recognize that this wasn’t your original question, but I think it’s still a good thing to remember).
Anon
I know this isn’t what you asked, but the “too picky” question is an important one.
Some women are genuinely too picky: their requirements are, literally, tall, handsome, never married, earns at least a quarter million a year. That’s looking for male arm candy, not a spouse.
Generally, if the person is kind, self-supporting, and not the type that you could just never ever be physically attracted to, go on the date. Talk about the potential deal-breakers before the end of the third date (kids, religion, politics, etc).
Ne cognizant of the fact that men, especially once out of their 20s, trend conservative. There are literally millions of liberal men out there, but there are more right-leaning men. If you would truly rather be single than be with a guy who has a Marco Rubio water bottle, that’s totally okay – live your life in accordance with your own values, not someone else’s. Just be aware of how much of the dating pool you are not considering.
nasty woman
Why on EARTH would I ever want to form a partnership (especially one where reproduction is a central feature, at least in theory if not practice) with a man who believes that I should be forced to gestate any baby I become pregnant with, doesn’t support women’s equality in the workplace in any meaningful way, and doesn’t support access to birth control, and believes that Hobby Lobby’s “religious beliefs” outweigh employee’s rights to use their compensation how they want to? That person has values that are so fundamentally opposed to everything I believe in and my actual health and well being that they could never be a good partner to me. By voting for a Rubio or similar, that person is saying “hey, I don’t care about you. My economic interests are more important.” Yes, I would truly rather be single than date a person like that. Yeah, I’m super aware of how many men there are out there who have chosen to be unacceptable partners and remove themselves from the dating pool because they refuse to see women as full people.
TL;DR- I’m not being picky by not considering someone who doesn’t see me as a full person, or who votes for people who don’t see me as a full person. That person has already excluded himself from my dating pool by choosing not to see me as a full person. You need to reframe it.
Anonymous
Thank you.
Anonymous
There are so many misstatements in that post. Believe what you want to believe.
Anon
You’re not being picky, but you are being (as is your prerogative) unreasonable.
Anonymous
That doesn’t even make sense. If it’s your prerogative then by definition it’s not unreasonable.
Anon
It makes plenty of sense. NW’s views of her political opponents are objectively incorrect, and smearing tens of millions of people that way is objectively unreasonable.
But one cannot be forced to be reasonable, especially with dating.
nasty woman
How on earth are they objectively incorrect? How am I being unreasonable? I mean really, you wanna come here and just call me incorrect/incorrect but not explain why? Ooooh, color me persuaded. I’m totally convinced you have a rational argument there and aren’t just attacking me for no reason or because you disagree with me re: reproductive rights but can’t articulate why.
Anon
You are saying that the tens of millions of pro-lifers hate women.
Wrong.
You are saying that their lack of desire to have small, vulnerable people shredded means they hate women.
Wrong.
You are saying that a Christian man cannot care for you in a marriage as Christ loved his church.
Dead wrong.
You believe that your so-called reproductive rights entitle you to end a human being’s life. That is not correct; the right to not be murdered, even if small, especially when vulnerable, is more important than your desire for a consequence – free s3x life.
You are too busy strutting around and talking about what you supposedly deserve in a relationship to ask what you would put into it. Upon meeting you, would potential in-laws rejoice or wince?
anon
For some reason this didn’t post under my NW name… not sure if it’s still in mod? Sorry if it posts twice.
I didn’t say “hate.” I said you don’t view women as full people. Which is true, because by subordinating my right to control my body to a fetus’s interests, you are saying that I don’t deserve the full suite of human rights. There’s no way around that. I’m happy to admit that abortion kills a human and that I’m okay with that if you will just admit that you are advocating for the subordination of women’s rights to said fetus. Forced gestation is slavery. We don’t even take organs from dead people without their consent.
Describing abortion as a violation of a “right not to be murdered” is fallacious. Prohibiting abortion is more than simply preventing a woman from “murdering” someone; it requires her to gestate and give birth. It gives the fetus a positive right to her body. You realize that no other person can claim a right to a woman’s body, right?
Also, “shredded” and “people”? Come on.
“You are saying that a Christian man cannot care for you in a marriage as Christ loved his church. Dead wrong.”
I really don’t understand what this means. Is it a Christian saying? Look, you’re Christian, that’s fine. I’m not. A man who wants to force me to have babies does not love me.
“… is more important than your desire for a consequence – free s3x life.”
Ding ding ding!! There it is. We always get to the root of it sooner or later, don’t we? You think it’s unacceptable that I’m not “facing consequences” for having s3x. What, do you hope that being forced to give birth is going to teach me a lesson? What is so wrong about wanting to have s3x without undesirable consequences? Am I wrong for wanting to have s3x without getting and STI? Should I be prohibited from using c0ndoms and getting treatment for an STI because you think I shouldn’t be allowed to have s*x without consequences? And come on, it’s not about my right to have all the consequence free s3x I want—it’s about the right to decide who uses my body and when. It’s about my right to live a full and complete life, complete with romantic partnerships, and also control my ability to decide when and whether I have a kid. It’s very sad to me that you look at the profound journey of having and raising a child as a consequence that must be endured if someone decides to have s3x.
“You are too busy strutting around and talking about what you supposedly deserve in a relationship to ask what you would put into it. Upon meeting you, would potential in-laws rejoice or wince?”
What? Huh? Where am I strutting? I’m not talking about what I deserve in a relationship, I just described what I don’t want. Why on earth do you think I don’t reflect on what I bring to a relationship? What are you even talking about? Look, I get that you hate me—this last paragraph that is basically just attacking my existence and way of being in the world makes that clear– but I’d prefer if you’d refrain from following me around and personally attacking me. You may not like my tone or beliefs but I don’t go around attacking specific people here.
And I guess my inlaws would rejoice, probably? Unless you’re my future MIL? Am I dating your son or something?
Anonymous
LOL at you, Anonymous at 2:14. Sweetie, you are in the wrong place. There are whole sections of the Internet where lily-white WASPY princesses like yourself can wring your hands over ab*rtion while also extolling the virtues of pumpkin spice lattes and bayalage highlights. This place is not for you; you are not wanted here. Please take your BS elsewhere. Okay, Becky? Thanks so much.
January
If she’s actually happy being single and doesn’t care to be set up, though, why waste her and the guy’s time by going on a date she doesn’t want to go on?
Anon
If she wants to find someone, go on the date. You can be happy being single and open to finding the right person.
January
What I was saying is that maybe she doesn’t want to find someone.
Anon
Then the issue isn’t the guy’s political beliefs; it is that she does not want to date at all.
politics
There was a huge thread last week exactly about this. May be worth doing a quick search through the threads to find it.
But basically don’t feel bad about having this deal breaker. However, if your friends have told you that you are too picky before, it may be worth asking a trusted friend their thoughts. It is also ok to be picky. The older we are, the pickier we get, and the harder it is to find someone. Only you can decide what you are willing to compromise. I’m incredibly picky, and I own it, and am also fine with being alone.
Regarding the other thread on your exact question – most on this site are with people of pretty similar views. A small handfull were with someone of the other major political persuasion, but they tended to be more moderate/thoughtful on both sides. I don’t recall anyone posting that they were a liberal progressive and were with a proud Trump supporter.
I am also starting to worry that this site is getting bombed by trolls. I just glanced at yesterday’s threads and it got pretty ugly on both of them. Don’t people know they are being baited?
Anonymous
If this site is being bombed by trolls, so is everywhere else I go. People’s opinions just aren’t distinguishable from flaming anymore.
Anonymous
I’m not a Trump supporter (voted for HRC) but I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe there are women here who like him. 53% of white women voted for him. Close to 50% of all women voted for him. There are obviously educated, successful professional women who like Trump. The insistence that these pro-Trump posts come from trolls or Russian bots is bizarre to me.
Anonymous
I think you should tell your friends that they’re being hurtful when they say you’re too picky. It makes it seem like your singleness is a problem and that the problem is YOU. Not that you like your life the way it is and you haven’t met anyone special enough to make you want to change it.
I also hate the “but he’s a nice guy” excuse. Plenty of “nice guys” are actually pretty awful. If someone is ranting on fb about “the illegals” or similar then no he’s not a nice guy (and before anyone jumps on me, I know OP didn’t say what he’s posting about I’m just giving an example).
Anonymous
It’s a real luxury to be able to look past political differences these days.
That’s because we’re not talking about large scale governing philosophies (like free market vs. regulation) , we’re talking about whether people from Mexico are people or animals.
You’re not too picky. You can lower (or change) your standards on lots of things in a potential partner ( age, height, education, etc.), but if you compromise on values you’ll be miserable.
Anonnny
Thank you! People are oversimplifying this. One of my favorite people on twitter (Coketalk) sums this up perfectly
“I am not a political person” is just another way of saying “my political beliefs align with the status quo to such a degree that I can afford to ignore information about the suffering of others.””
Anonymous
I could never, ever date someone with opposite political views.
Anonymous
There’s diametrically opposed or outright clashing (like it probably wouldn’t work out for me to date a Duggar). But 100% matching isn’t realistic.
Anonymous
She didn’t suggest it was.
Anonymous
I don’t know….95% of the people I know think that basically everything the current administration is doing is terrible. They might have slightly different ideas on what should be done instead. But if I want to date someone who hates the current administration and is horrified by everything that’s happening, I have a pretty big pool of people to choose from.
Anon
Actually I think it is. Don’t compromise and keep dating.
Linda from HR
I couldn’t date someone with opposing political views either. It’s one thing if I have a strong viewpoint on issue A, and it’s kind of indifferent but doesn’t fully agree with me, but he cares way more about issue B that I, inversely, don’t care that much about, we both care but we’re probably not gonna butt heads over it.
I’m also not too fond of men who kind of agree with me on women’s issues, but take the opposing viewpoint to “play devil’s advocate” because they don’t feel directly impacted by those issues, and thus find them fun to play with, which feels super dismissive of the very real bullshirt I deal with on a regular basis. But I digress.
You’re not being picky, and it would be fine if you told your friends “I know you care about me and I appreciate you wanting to help me find love, but based on what you’ve told me, this guy doesn’t sound like a good match for me, and I really don’t mind being single right now! Please, just let me enjoy my life as it is, and I’ll let you know if I ever need help finding someone.”
I almost wonder if this is more about them wanting to find someone for *him* than for you. And I wonder if he’s secretly the group’s “missing stair,” like he’s soooo nice – as long as you don’t mention politics. He’s great to be around – unless you’re a member of a group he thinks is “ruining” the country. They look the other way on his problem behavior because it doesn’t impact them, but they feel the need to warn others when they first meet him.
anonymous
In all honesty, if I found out that my husband of 15 years voted Trump in the last presidential election, I’d consider divorcing him. He didn’t, I’m not concerned about that at all. But my morals, my values, are so diametrically opposed to the current administration’s policies, that I cannot imagine sharing a home with someone who supports this administration.
Anyone who supports Trump is accepting of racism, misogyny, homophobia, and is accepting of an anti-science viewpoint. I choose not to be friends with people whose morality is so completely opposite of mine. If you’re not horrified and disgusted by what’s happening in this country today, you’re not worthy of my limited free time.
OP, continue to be picky. Or as I would characterize it, discerning. No man is worth abandoning your morality.
Anonymous
I agree. My Republican dad ended up voting for Hillary after much cajoling from me and my mom (they’re in a swing state, so it really mattered) but when my parents were talking about it afterwards my mom said she would have considered divorce or at least insisted on marital counseling if he’d voted for Trump. I think she would have been okay-ish with him not voting or voting third party, but she couldn’t live with a vote for Trump. They’ve been married for 45 years.
Never too many shoes...
This makes absolute sense!
Sarabeth
Same. So much the same. I mean, my husband is not a terrible person so this is not a live concern for me. But it would shake the very basic foundations of our marriage.
IHHtown
I have known many couples that tried to make it work and ultimately broke up upon discovering that their S.O.’s political views directly correlated with their moral values, which makes sense, and which is a totally reasonable reason for breaking up and/or not dating someone. Like someone mentioned above, it very much depends on the political view. Are you guys on opposite sides of the fence with respect to the extent of government social assistance or does is one person okay with political efforts to curb reign in voting rights of certain groups in favor of others? One is a political opinion and one is a value judgment on the value of someone’s life and the extent of their humanity.
Anonymous
Equating “the value of someone’s life and the extent of their humanity” with “voting rights” is a political opinion that would be a dealbreaker for me. (Are fourteen year olds not human? This doesn’t even make sense to me.)
anon
Sure, because logical reasoning is clearly not your strong suit. I assume you are trying to say that because 14 year olds aren’t allowed to vote, then as a result we must conclude that restrictions on voting are never based on an assessment of a person’s humanity. This is not the logical conclusion that we draw, because there are important differences between a 14 year old and someone who is, say, black, that make these situations not analogous. Specifically, we do not permit 14 year olds to vote because we have decided that a person should reach a certain age (and as a result, hopefully be sufficiently mature with a sufficiently developed cerebral cortex); but restrictions on voting rights are based on race. (I’m simplifying.) There’s no logical reason, like insufficient maturity/intellectual development, to work to reduce the ability of blacks to vote. In theory, if you believe that the lives of black people have equal value to the lives of white people and that both should have an equal right to participate in democratic society, you do not implement such restrictions.
Anonymous
I think political differences are more of an issue now, given some of the partisan positions taken by the GOP. Maybe 20-30 years ago, it wouldn’t have been such a problem to date someone who has a different view on how the economy should be regulated for example.
Now though, things are really different. I’m not interested in dating someone who doesn’t believe in the humanity of others, someone who doesn’t believe I can make decisions about my own body… I could go on and on.
So if that makes me picky, I’m fine with it.
LaurenB
I think the difference is – it was one thing when it was a function of “we all agree we want quality health care, safe streets, good education, lots of stable employment and a functioning stock market” – and we simply disagreed as to whether the government or the free market system was going to be the best at accomplishing those things. These days, it’s an entirely different story. My “normal” Republican friends are, of course, horrified by Trump.
Anonymous
Yes yes yes. This.
Anon
I have to say…seeing all of you on your soapboxes makes me wonder if you even remember how many times you laughed at your SO/co-workers’/boss’ sexist jokes, stood by while someone was wrongly humiliated via some sort of harassment including the aforementioned, made fun of someone yourself due to their clothing/appearance/lack of sophistication/education level…C’mon now. Let’s be honest with yourselves. I know you say you believe in the “humanity of others” but that extends beyond those who are brown and come from third world countries. This is an everyday deal. I have a hard time personally wanting to be friends with those who are too stupid to see how hypocritical they are.
anon
what is the matter with you? you just insulted all of us and called us stupid hypocrites for no reason whatsoever. what value did you add with this post? how did you contribute to the discussion? maybe you’re a huge jerk in your personal life (probably, considering how you chose to just insult everyone here based on nothing) and that’s why you assume everyone else is?
Anon
I am not a “huge jerk” as I have described but I struggle to find anyone I’ve met in my adult life who doesn’t regularly engage in the behaviors I mentioned. I feel like to many, grandstanding about the children is helping fill some psychological need to feel “better” than others. There are children and adults in our country suffering every day with something and I’d bet you don’t think twice about this. The brown children at the border just seems to be the left’s issue du jour to cry/self-aggrandize about. Not to mention that similar has been going on for years.
anon
You are cynical and need better friends. I see now that you’re also just making sweeping generalizations about people based on whether they identify as part of “the left” or “the right.” You have no basis whatsoever to contend that I don’t think twice about children and adults suffering in our country every day. Yeah, you seem like a huge jerk. Maybe that’s why you only hang out with other jerks, apparently. Just get out of here with your pointless personal attacks.
Anon
I’m not talking about my friends. I’m talking about everyone around me. This issue with immigration is not new. There are children all over the world playing in garbage and waste and crapping in a hole in the ground and all of the sophisticated people of this blog are just now noticing. Apparently, they have never even seen The Amazing Race. Congrats on your enlightenment. If what I say is hitting a nerve, maybe you should examine why. I think I’ve made my point.
I care about the children too, but this is all a charade to distract from the impropriety going on with the FBI and Hillary Clinton…who seems to be gearing up for another run. What I want to know about her is if her falling on her arse constantly is due to drinking or neurocognitive decline, because if it is the latter, I think people should be looking for another candidate. Please.
cc
I mean I can look at myself honestly and say not since I was… 20? 22 maybe? that is not a part of my life, not a part of what I accept for those I surround myself with.
Anonymous
Keep children in cages until everyone is perfect.
Stop it.
LawGirl
My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have directly opposing political views and are both very active in our respective parties (I’m conservative and he’s very liberal). We’re both lawyers, and some of the biggest fights we’ve had have been about things that do not directly affect our own personal lives (e.g. certain laws or policies, particular court rulings, methods of interpretation, etc.). However, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think people need to get over the idea that differing political views are automatically divisive – I’ve learned so much from him, and he’s learned from me. It’s important to hear all sides of issues, and usually what ends up happening is that we realize we have more in common than we thought we did. All that to say, don’t automatically discount someone just because they have different political beliefs than you do. You can clarify your opinions and convictions by learning how others think (and can meet some great people as well).
eertmeert
Agreed. If you are otherwise compatible and are both able to communicate your views with compassion and respect for the other person, being on opposite sides of the political spectrum does not have to be a dealbreaker, in and of itself.
I prefer listening to both sides so that I can get a better idea of how/why I feel the way I do. Just becuase someone else holds an opinion that is different from mine does not threaten my belief in the justness of my personal viewpoint.
That said, you get to choose your deal breakers, and if you sense the guy/girl has views that are abhorrent to you, then would you be able to treat them with respect? And get respect in return?
Sarabeth
If you think it’s ok to tear children from the arms of their parents and keep them in cages, you’re not a great person. Sometimes there’s no grey area. You might be fun to be around, you might be interpersonally nice, you might give money to orphans, but you’ve got a hollow core where your morals should be.
Work Travel Expenses
I don’t currently travel much for work, but my employer’s hotel policy is in line with GSA with a lot of flexibility if someone needs to go over to find a clean and/or safe place. I’m considering a new job but found out that they have what sounds like a strict policy of no hotel rooms over $100. I can’t imagine finding a decent hotel for that in most cities. Is this type of policy common?
Anonymous
Huh? Where would you stay – motels? I’d ask about this before accepting a travel job that nickels and dines. Frankly I’m a hotel snob and wouldn’t accept knowing this.
Lana Del Raygun
I don’t see the issue with staying in motels?
Anonymous
It depends on where. In Omaha you can probably get a decent room for $100 – it won’t be fancy but it will be clean and safe. In NYC or Chicago, you really can’t get a clean, safe room for that price (unless you stay way out in the burbs – which may be what her company wants her to do).
Anonymous
Some people feel unsafe having a door from the outside right into their room (unlike a hotel).
lemon
+1 — motels don’t bother me if I’m staying with husband, but alone I’d be more worried about access to the outside.
Anonymous
Like I wouldn’t always want to leave my room to go get some ice or a soda in some motels. It a hotel with a secure lobby and staff, I would get a soda at off hours.
Ms B
I traveled in a federal government job and was allowed to refuse to stay in lodging that had exterior hallways due to safety concerns. My division also would approve up to 150% of the lodging and other per diem amounts for HCOL areas e.g. New York, L.A.
That said, I was expected to stay in the suburbs if those locations were within 30 driving minutes of my hearings/meetings and if I had a vehicle. Staying on the outskirts when I did not have a car was not required.
Never too many shoes...
I will not stay on the ground floor if alone for exactly the reasons above.
Hard pass, OP.
Anonymous
I’ve worked to hard in life to stay in motels in towns where there are 4-5 star hotels.
Anonymous
No hotel rooms over $100 is crazy, unless your business trips are only to small towns in the Midwest and South. Can you ask for more details about it? Do they expect employees to cover the extra themselves? Or is most of your work travel more optional (to conferences etc) and you just won’t be able to choose conferences in more expensive cities?
Anonymous
As a Midwesterner who often visits family in Midwest very small towns, it would be a stretch to stay for less than $100 per night in many Midwest small towns, especially any with businesses or conference facilities in them. For reference, I’m referring to Super 8 and Country Inn & Suites type chain hotels/motels. Not the Mom & Pop motels that look like they’re probably cooking meth out back.
Anonymous
I live in the Midwest too, and travel a lot to university towns for work, and rarely pay more than $100/night. I stay in Comfort Inns or places like that. Not fancy but nobody’s cooking meth. Right now I see hotel rooms for under $100 in Ann Arbor, Iowa City, Madison, Champaign, South Bend, etc. Obviously these aren’t big cities like Chicago or St. Louis, but they have major universities and conference facilities and they aren’t little one-stoplight towns. When I’m driving in the Midwest in very rural areas I often see Holiday Inns and the like advertising on the highway with prices under $60, although those are definitely more in the middle of nowhere.
Anonymous
I agree with this. I just spent the weekend in a small rural Wisconsin town for a family event, and couldn’t find a hotel under $150.
Anonymous
It should vary by location. It’s worth a question, especially if the job involves travel.
BC
Is the employer large enough that it might have some negotiated rates with hotel chains? Mine does–but the prices still don’t usually go below $100/ night.
emeralds
I work in a notably parsimonious field (public higher ed), and we use the GSA/State guidelines. A ban on anything over $100 is absurd and functionally unworkable. Can you ask them how people have managed this while traveling to e.g. New York or London?
Anonymous
I work in public higher ed also and we use the GSA too. I think that’s actually pretty common.
Anonymous
Ditto – higher ed here and we use GSA, with an exception for conference hotels (that is, if there is a conference hotel, we can stay there even if it is more expensive). I can’t imagine being unable to go over $100/night.
Anonymous
But the GSA negotiated rates are amazing. They aren’t even close to the published rates that random people are quoted and pay.
emeralds
See, notably parsimonious field. But like Anonymous at 11:01, at least at my institution it’s pretty easy to get around the GSA rates if you have a good reason (conference hotel, one time there was another conference in town and there was nothing at the GSA rate in a safe area so our HR coordinator got me a waiver, etc.).
Anonymous
Yeah, I don’t see how that’s workable. I work for the government – so GSA is the rule always – and in, say, California where I travel pretty frequently, there’s no way I could find hotel rooms for under $100/night. Most hotels these days have government rates that match the GSA reimbursement for the area and in CA it’s usually close to $170. That gets me something decent but not luxurious. I don’t know what a $100/night hotel would look like, honestly. I would seriously question this if you have to be on the road a lot; you’ll either have to come out of your own pocket to stay someplace decent and safe or you’ll end up in some pretty sketchy places. This policy of theirs is unreasonable.
Anonymous
Are you expected to always split the room with a coworker?
Anonymous
Good question.
Anonymous
Ew. Just decline the offer.
Anonymous
GSA is difficult enough to match if you aren’t actually a government employee and eligible for the government discount, and that always seems to be well over $100.
Jules
Yeah, this seems unrealistic. I stayed last week in a Comfort Inn (so no outside hallways) in a very, very small town in a more or less Appalachian area of Ohio; it looked clean but the rooms smelled extremely musty. The quoted rate was $92 but they put me in a two-queens room that had no desk and I needed to work so they moved me to a king room with a desk that cost $102. I find it hard to imagine many less expensive spots than this, one and a half to two hours from the nearest big city
Anonymous
Who else has lost interest in the 24-7 coverage of the border? The more media goes on the less shocking it becomes IMO and just starts to seem normal. And there IS other news to be covered that they’re ignoring because we need to see the 90th mother and child and hear their story.
Anonymous
Go to hell.
Ellen
Be nice. We are all sisters here in the HIVE. As such we are entitled to have our own opinion’s w/o getting catty like you are. Whether we agree or disagree, we MUST be respectful of the opinion’s of others, OK?
I personaly want to read about both b/c I do NOT have time to read the NY Times and the Wall Street Journal every day b/c I must bill my time. If I ever get a job with the goverment, I will have more time to read and comment inteligently. So let’s hope we can all now be more civil, now, OK?
YAY!!
Anonymous
Why? Everyone MUST be interested? No one is allowed to lose interest?
Anonymous
Yes. Exactly. Yes.
emeralds
Not me! I prefer to be aware of a developing human rights crisis perpetrated by my own country.
Anonymous
Exactly. I’m more shocked by the lack of concern from so many people. What’s with the board this morning? I’m going assume you are the same person posting from above about SJWs, otherwise I’ll start losing faith in this board along with the rest of humanity. This is usually such an educated group of women.
AIMS
What does SJW stand for?
Anonymous
Social Justice Warrior
Aunt Jamesina
Social Justice Warrior. It’s a pejorative term from the right that designates “snowflake” liberals who care “too much” about social issues. Often implied that people who are SJWs are more concerned about virtue signaling than the issues themselves. I think it says more about the people who use the term than anything else.
peanut
I had to google this too – social justice warrior I think.
Anonymous
Social justice warrior, which I’ve always found to be weird as an insult because it sounds like an admirable thing to fight for social justice.
Pen and Pencil
Social Justice Warrior, it’s a mostly derogatory name for people who care about social issues like wanting to use correct pronouns for transgendered people, wanting marriage equality, and freedom of abortion. The right has decided that people who care about these issues are just perpetually offended.
Anonymous
So weird as an insult. Not sure when giving a d*man became a character flaw.
AIMS
Wow. Thanks. That is a weird one! Up there with ‘go read a book!’as far as these things go.
Anonymous
Where can I get my official Social Justice Warrior badge?
Anonymous
I know, right? There are so many more worthy stories the media could be covering like who Brad Pitt might be dating at the moment. That’s way more important than family separation! Also having to see pictures of families being ripped apart for no reason really bums me out and makes me internally challenge my own worldview of the United States as a just and compassionate nation. I don’t like that. Can’t we just talk about nail polish colors or something? Or how cute Chip and Joanna Gaines are and how great her hair is and OMG I want my hair to look like that! I mean, right? Why am I being required to focus on dumb depressing things I don’t really care about because I am totally shallow and self-centered???
Beans
Thank you for this – it was a much needed laugh (while also crying on the inside because Sessions, Stephen Miller, etc.).
Anonymous
Uh how about tariffs? Is that too shallow for you too because those will cost actual jobs to actual Americans.
Anon
Hey! Many people can multi-task and be concerned about many topics or issues. You should try it.
Anonymous
You guys, please let these posts go! We have a few Russian bots or guy trolls who like to cause trouble or simply a few very conservative women who lived very sheltered lives who get a kick out of winding us up.
It also is disturbing to me the posters who just resort instantly to name calling on the left.
Let it go. State your thoughtful opinion and move on.
Anonymous
Sorry but I’m really hopeful that this won’t blow over. I can’t imagine being so sad and broken as to be bored by it.
AIMS
I really don’t understand how people don’t care more. To me, this is just about the most unamerican thing ever and the fact that so many Americans don’t seem to care is astounding. Like I always thought of Japanese internment as pretty awful as far as things we’ve done go, but at least no one separated the kids from their psrents there? I just don’t recognize this country and I really struggle with how anyone can just shrug and go ‘oh well,’ never mind those who actually approve of this.
Anonymous
Agree x 1 million. As I said yesterday, i think this is what people are able to look adt when they are told that others are less than human. Trump laid the groundwork for this during his campaign.
Anonymous
I think it’s awful too, but just to be clear, the interment camps were of American citizens, which is a very different thing. Again, I think the policy at the border should stop immediately, and I’m glad that there seems to be a bipartisan movement (Ted Cruz, no less).
Anonymous
I agree Anon at 9:57. What’s happening at the border is AWFUL but as a Jewish person with a best friend of Japanese descent, the comparisons to the Holocaust and the Internment Camps bother me too. The Nazis literally murdered people, and most of the interned Japanese were US citizens (and all were here legally).
Anonymous
I see the difference but then, what is to stop the president from putting citizens in camps? Not the law.
He’d put us all in camps just for being democrats. He’ll start by saying we hate America. That we’re not real people. That we’re criminals.
Anonymous
I understand that, but I just don’t think that this is something that should be dependent on your status as a citizen or not. And especially where people are asking for asylum. This is basically what this country was founded upon, no? (Not arguing with you specifically, just don’t find the distinction persuasive).
Also, this just seems insane on a practical level. Our (state) govt requires a set number of kids to adults in schools, daycares, etc. but when it comes to kids that the (fed) govt separates from their parents, anything goes?
Anonymous
So the internment camps were about trampling the rights of citizens. These border policies seem to be trampling on the rights of a human being (namely the kids). Which I’d argue is almost worse.
anon
I am so ashamed to be an American right now. I told my DH last night that I had zero interest in celebrating the 4th of July this year. He looked at me like I have two heads, but that’s how I feel. No matter what your politics are, I cannot understand how ANYONE can look at this situation and be OK with it. It’s horrific. The amount of trauma these kids are going to deal with (for a lifetime, mind you) is breathtaking.
Legally Brunette
I haven’t been able to think of anything else. And now, unsurprisingly, there are reports that an officer se**ally abused a 4 year detainee. I’m sick to my stomach, devastated, and livid all wrapped in one.
LB
I misread that news, I apologize. It was not at the detention center, but it did involve a sheriff who abused a child for months and threatened to deport the mother, whom he knew was undocumented.
Anonon
Not me. The 90th story should be told. They should all be told. And the coverage on the humanitarian crisis at the border hasn’t deterred me from reading news on other issues either.
Anonymous
You must not have children. I’m a mother and this is so much more devastating than any of the (many many) other terrible things this administration has done.
Anonymous
It shouldn’t matter if she’s a mother or not. It should matter because these are all human beings. (If we only protested our own lived experiences, things would get bleak)
Anonymous
I’m not a mother and I still care, but thanks for making this all about reproductive status!
Anonymous
Calm down ladies. I never said non-mothers can’t care about this.
Anonymous
This is an interesting article on how there are other issues related to this that I don’t think we are seeing as much coverage on https://thefederalist.com/2018/06/18/migrant-crisis-is-about-the-drug-cartel/
anon
Eh, I feel this way. Honestly I just can’t stomach hearing any more about it. I take the steps that I can to create meaningful change (call reps, donate, etc) but watching continuous coverage isn’t doing me any good. And as long as I’m doing my part to create change, me watching it isn’t doing anyone else any good either.
That’s mostly how I’ve decided to handle things these days- disengage from the news cycle and focus on taking action to create change to the best extent possible. Outrage without action doesn’t change anything, and for me outrage is exhausting. So I’m focusing on what I can do and doing as much of it as possible and blocking out the rest.
lsw
I feel like I’m going to throw up every time I see a picture of a screaming child, so I guess it’ll be at least a few more decades before I’m inured to this human rights abomination.
Anonymous
Yup. I am a mom, and all of this makes me want to cry or vomit or both. It’s no longer abstract once you’ve had your own kids.
This reminds me of the law school discussions where kids who had gone straight through from college to law school, probably with parents footing the bill, would say crazy things like “There shouldn’t be any health insurance because if your child gets a horrible disease it’s your fault and your responsibility to pay for it out of pocket,” and those of us who were actual adults who had work experience and medical bills and kids would just look at each other and shake our heads.
Anon
Going anon since this will out me to anyone that knows me in real life. For those that care very much about these issues, please also take care of yourself while taking action. If you have any kind of medical condition that can be triggered by stress, the kind of visceral anger you get from watching this news coverage or debating these issues may very much be harming you.
My MIL is an outspoken democrat currently living in a very conservative neighborhood. She was recently hospitalized for a medical condition she knew she had but while there, learned that she also had a TIA or mini-stroke recently. Upon learning that, she knew the exact moment it happened. She was debating politics and struggled to get the words out. She couldn’t form coherent sentences. She thought she had just got too upset but in reality she had a mini stroke.
Was it caused by debating politics? Who knows but it is a reminder to care but care for yourself too!
nasty woman
Why keep feeding our resident sociopath/tr0ll? This jack*** has come onto this page enough over the past several months (or even longer) to rile everyone up with this BS, so we can spot it by now. Why derail another thread arguing with someone who is trying to upset everyone by displaying a total lack of empathy and generalized disdain for anyone who isn’t her or who is just like her?
To OP/tr0ll: just go to hell. Or at least get a job or go bother people on 4 c h a n where you came from.
Anonymous
I just don’t think it’s a troll. Half the country is ok with this. They may not admit it to you but they are.
I live in a nice Long Island suburb and most of my neighbors voted for trump. I promise you educated wealthy people think this way.
Anon
NP. It’s a troll!
Kat in VA
I live in a nice northern Virginia suburb a stone’s throw from the Capitol with many educated, upper middle class folks who voted for Trump and I can assure you, they most absolutely think this way. As long as that stuff is happening to those dirty brown people, they’re really OK with it.
Linda from HR
I haven’t lost interest, but it’s emotionally exhausting to pay attention to and it makes me feel so helpless because it’s heartbreaking but I don’t know what I can really do about it, I may run the risk of burning out on it if I’m always watching it, reading about it, and thinking about it. It’s healthy to seek out news on other topics, and look for an escape every now and then.
Em
I have to pick and choose what I can read/watch/listen to in depth because, as a mother of a toddler, I feel like my skin is on fire seeing and hearing some of this coverage. I have seen the captions on the ProPublica audio and have intentionally avoided it because the captions alone make me want to die. They could play this 24/7 for the rest of my life and it will never be normal and I will never be numb to it.
IHHtown
I think your intended message has a point, although the message you convey to others is a bit heartless. 24-7 coverage desensitizes us as a public to the big issues so after a few months, people grow weary, pay less attention, and start to ignore an ongoing and possibly worsening problem.
Anonymous
Thank you for reminding me to donate to RAICES today.
emeralds
Yeah, really. Like literally I read halfway down this thread, and then opened a new tab and gave them money.
Anon
You’re the same person who has been posting the last few days about how we shouldn’t care about this because there are “foster children” who need our attention. Like you and your party give a flying f*ck about that as long as the stock market’s up, right? Give it a rest. You offer nothing new ever.
Anonymous
Yup. Clearly same person. It’s a real bore and Idk why posts about shoes get moderates and this one doesn’t.
Anonymous
Not a lack of interest but now with so much media and even people like Ted Cruz speaking out, my view is like — it’ll get worked out, this will be over this week. Though a friend rightly pointed out there is damage even if it ends today — will they really make sure kids/parents get deported to the same place and/or stay here in the same place? I think they will but she thinks I’ve giving far too much credit.
Anonymous
I want to believe you. But there was a time when people were this outraged by the DACA kids. Or the sh*thole countries. And nothing happened.
Anonymous
Yeah I sort of think if nothing happened after Charlottesville – when the POTUS called literal Nazis “very fine people” – nothing is ever going to change.
Anonymous
I think this policy will end soon, but I think there will be collateral damage. It’ll be like if we can find your kid easily and deport you together, fine; if not – tough luck, we’ll get to your kid when we can, too mad if it’s 3 weeks or 5 months from now. I mean just this morning there was a tweet about illegals “infesting” our country — I don’t see how you speak like that then move quick to ensure their families are ok.
Anonymous
I feel bad about this as a human, but I feel like every person I know that’s a parent sympathizes EVEN more. I guess I won’t get it until I have kids, but what exactly happens in the delivery room that makes people SO much more worried about kids, even if not theirs?? Is it just that you’re around kids so you can say – omg this is what my 3.5 year old would do if this happened??
Anonymous
It’s not that parents are around kids and understand how a 3.5-year-old would act if separated from her parents. It’s that when you are a parent, you feel a deep visceral need to protect your child, and when you see the pictures and hear the stories you imagine yourself and your child in that situation and feel the horror in a way that a non-parent just can’t.
Anon in NYC
Yes. I see my child in those cages. I hear her voice asking for me. I hear her crying. I hear the desperation in her cries when she’s hysterical and can only be consoled by me. I imagine the terror I would feel if I were separated from her and didn’t know where she was, if she was being taken care of properly, or when I would see her again.
I have found that becoming a parent made me a more empathetic person. I can more easily put myself in someone else’s shoes or recognize that a person (who is a complete and total jerk) is somebody’s child and someone probably loves him or her very much.
Anon
Are you a pet owner? I’m not trying to equate children to pets here but I’m trying to point out how you understand something more once you have lived it. I could hear stories about a dog getting hit by a car or shot by a hunter and feel bad for the dog because I’m an sympathetic human being. But now that I have my own dog, those stories are so much more heartbreaking. I ache for the dog owner because I know the pain I would feel if my dog slipped her collar on a walk and was hit by a car in front of me. It’s empathy from a shared experience. You don’t know how much you love your dog until you have a dog. Likewise, I’m certain you don’t know how much you love your kids until you have a kid. Then everything bad that happens to a kid could have been your kid and you feel that pain.
busybee
That’s a really good and thoughtful explanation.
Anonymous
I just can’t understand all the posts like this. How can you not care about your fellow human beings?? The most vulnerable ones at that! How can you be that selfish??
Anonymous
Any packing tips for Costa Rica? Beyond hiking sandals I’m a little lost!
anon8
https://www.travelfashiongirl.com/packing-for-costa-rica/
Scroll down to the bottom of the post for additional links
Anonymous
Rain jacket! Quick dry clothes.
Anonymous
No tips but plead post about your trip!
Anonymous
Ugh *please!
Anonymous
Will do! We are spending 2 days in Arenal and 4 days in Manuel Antonio hoping for not too much rain.
OP
Thanks for the replies. I thought it seemed crazy but have been with my current employer most of my career so I don’t have anything to compare it to. I will ask for further clarification before moving forward, as I’m hoping it was a misunderstanding. If it wasn’t, I think it’s a no go.
Anonymous
Looking to up my shoe game this summer! Anyone want to help out and suggest some cute summer shoes? Hoping for sandals, wedges, flats, or anything else you think is a great pair of shoes. No color preference, no foot issues, open to all ideas. I was looking at my shoes this weekend and realized they all look sad, old, out of style,and generally not cute. Thanks!
Anonymous
I got a pair of Born sandals at the beginning of summer and I’ve been wearing them everywhere. They’re super comfortable, even over cobblestones and (spontaneously) up and down the side of a rocky cliff. They have decent traction too!
https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/born-mai-easy-sandal-women/4781481?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&color=light%20pink%20leather
Mrs. Jones
+1. I have two pairs of these sandals.
OP
oooooh I like these, and they look really comfortable. Will go find a pair this weekend to try on. Thanks!
AIMS
Ive been getting a pair kork ease sandals every other summer for weekend wear and love them. High but comfy, a million colors and I like the 70s vibe.
Anonymous
I have my eyes on a pair of Birkenstock Lola.
OP
I don’t own a pair of Birkenstocks – added to my list of shoes to buy, especially since they are on trend!
Anonymous
My one complaint about Birkenstocks – the cork sole really retains heat. And because they fit so close to the bottom of the foot there isn’t much of a breeze to cool them off. Awesome arch support, but if I wear them too long (like walking around ALL day), that warmth gets kind of annoying. Maybe that’s just me.
cat socks
I bought the B.O.C Pawel Wedge Gladiator Sandals last year and they very comfortable.
https://tinyurl.com/yd7ye4zq
Shayla
I just went to Target and bought a few pairs I like, I haven’t worn “nice” summer shoes in a while so I wanted to see what I would really wear before upgrading to nicer brands. Some contenders:
Vail Open Toe Huarache
Vienna Open Toe Strappy Slide Sandals
dv Bryn Asymmetrical Slide Sandals
Adonia Ankle Strap Sandals
cat socks
Comment disappeared…I like the B.O.C Pawel Wedge Gladiator Sandal
Constant Reader
I have the Korkease Nara sandals and love them. Also have a pair of super trendy Intentionally blank Lotus slingbacks in the nude color and a pair of LOQ Villa heels. I have my eyes on a pair of The Palatines slingbacks. Poke around in the sites Garmentory or Need Supply if you’re looking for minimalist cool shoes — it’s a particular aesthetic, but sometimes I get bored of the usual Nordstom/Zappos offerings.
Jules
My new faves are JBU (by Jambu) Nelly platform wedge sandals, vegan. I got the gray; the red are also very cute but I sent them back when I realized all my summer-weight cardigans and tops are shades of pink, orchid and lavender. Cute and incredibly comfortable; the first day I had them I wore them all day (casual Friday) and danced for two hours in them that night. (Note that they run large, I sized down a full size.)
Lobbyist
I bought these in a beigy color, they are gone now. Super comfortable. I just re bought in this same silver color:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N1M1MXD/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon
early post so that the tr0lls can come out in force – nice!
Lilliet
It’s the catch 22 we were all hoping for (sad trombone sound)
Anonymous
It also looks like early p0sts means no early moderat0rs so my posts have been hung up in moderation for the past 1 hour.
You’d think I’d know right now how to avoid the trigg3r terms, but clearly I don’t….
anon8
Agree, the moderation triggers are a mystery. I can post a comment with a URL that gets posted immediately, but a regular comment with just text goes into mod.
I'm not a troll, I'm not a troll
Yes, can everyone please update their troll-dar and stop engaging? It is really annoying to have 85 back-and-forths in response to some a-hole who is clearly on this s1te just to stir up the pot, and it leads to infighting among non-trolls who are on the same side of things. If an anon is saying something grossly obnoxious (these days, about refugees or immigrants, but his focus changes with the news), and particularly if a “different” anon jumps in with ad hominem attcks, and particularly if those attacks relate to someone’s status as 35+ and single…this is a troll, and he is claiming victory. Just ignore (or call out the troll if it pleases you, and then move on).
That said, these trolls are obviously a small number of people, and it would be nice if the admins could block them as not adding to the discussion.
PolyD
I don’t know, on the other hand a troll helps one get out of one’s bubble and refine one’s arguments. It’s always good, if sometimes physically sickening, to know what other people think.
Anonymous
So my read on this is that anyone who doesn’t agree with the majority opinion is to shut up. Nice. And hypocritical.
Paging Handling negative mom
Are you my sister?? I have been dealing with a very similar situation for a few years now, down to the having to move and health condition that she can’t afford to pay for.
I have had to cut off communication for long periods of time for my health. You don’t mention yourself in this regard at all, but to grieve my dad I could not be my mom’s therapist.
From there, I started suggesting therapy, or a new job (for better insurance), or an active solution to a problem (call your doctor and tell them X thing has gotten worse and see if there are options) at every chance I could. Unless it is a holiday, there is no appeasing. It is so, so hard but that, or the scripted “I know that’s hard mom, how about that baseball game last night?” shifting of the conversation are what I have found helped. Good luck!
leather notebook
Looking for a leather notebook cover to up my game for meetings, and the only one I can find that I like is the graphic image leather notebook cover in the 9inch size (link to follow). Does anyone have it? If so, can I get the cover to fit on a composition book? As a lefty, I prefer that binding to spirals.
leather notebook
https://www.graphicimage.com/9_Wire_O_Notebook_Taupe_Goatskin_Leather_p/js9-gti-tup.htm
Anonymous
IDK but check out levenger
Anonymous
Check leatherology
longtime poster
Test
MNF
Where do you buy laundry baskets? Mine are cracked/falling apart/flimsy after a year. I bought a mesh pop up cylinder type contraption from BB&B and the wire popped out within a week. I just want the hard plastic kind that my parents had for my entire childhood – where are these sold??
Anonymous
Have you looked at the Container Store? Idk if they have it but it sounds like the kind of thing they’d carry. Maybe Ikea?
Anonymous
Target.
Lana Del Raygun
+1
anne-on
My local grocery store carries them. Amazon or HomeDepot do too – the rubermaid laundry baskets is what you’re looking for, right?
Lilliet
I have had my best luck with WalMart
Anonymous
Wal-Mart and Target
Anon
Target. And ignore anything “cute” or stylish. To last a long time and be like the ones from your childhood, you want the strictly utilitarian plastic tubs. I’m okay with the “upgrade” that has an indent for your hips, but otherwise avoid any new invention because they inevitably fall apart. My current one is a no-brand white one from Bed Bath and Beyond I think and has lasted for 5+ years now.
Anonymous
Yeah, I love the indent. It makes it so much easier to carry the basket up and down the stairs. I think all of mine are from Bed Bath and Beyond. Over the next few months is a good time to look, because stores will be stocking them as part of the equip-your-dorm-room sales.
Anon
I bought mine at Target in 2001. I bought a big, sturdy tub with nice grips on the handles.
Jules
I bought basic Sterilite brand laundry baskets from Big Lots; I’ve had them for three years and they are practically like new. And I throw them down the stairs and onto the concrete basement floor on the regular.
Lobbyist
Ikea has a white pop folding one its awesome. Cant find the one I have on their web site but the ones they do have are even cuter.
Mrs. Clean
Saw some cute ones on H&M home the other day.
Cc
Question for the people today and yesterday who don’t care about the crisis at the border- do you realize you would’ve been Nazis or is there a disconnect there? Like someone yesterday was proud of how things were going – do you also look at the nazis and are like yeah they did what they had to do or do you feel a disconnect? you must realize you wouldn’t have been fighting the nazis or hiding anyone, so at minimum you would’ve been a nazi synphatizer (which i don’t know if distinguishable). I just feel such a strong sense of “I don’t want to be a nazi. I don’t want our country to be like this and to do these things.” It’s hard to imagine just feeling fine with that
Anonymous
I think a better analogy is someone living in the US in the 1930s who thought the US shouldn’t accept Jewish refugees fleeing Germany. Which is awful, but not the same thing as turning your neighbors over to the Nazis.
Anonymous
Gosh, can we stop with the Nazi comparisons? I don’t like this separation policy either – it should stop now, and there seems to be bipartisan movement toward stopping it – but not everything is like the Nazis! This is not. You lose credibility when you talk like that.
Anonymous
I mean, this is probably THE most appropriate recent event that merits a Nazi comparison.
Anonymous
No. It doesn’t. I feel awful for the children at the border, but nobody is putting them in a gas chamber. The Nazis killed millions and millions of citizens of their own country solely because of their religious beliefs. When the Trump administration starts rounding up Mexican-Americans who are here legally and murdering them, then you can say they’re the same as the Nazis. Until then, they’re doing a cruel, inhumane, awful thing but they’re not Nazis.
Lana
The Nazis didn’t start by murdering them. The Nazis started by fueling hate and racial divide. They created an idea in society that certain people were so “less than” that they weren’t even human. That they didn’t deserve to be a part of society. Without the foundation of hate and de-humanization, they would not have been able to start murdering people with so little opposition. Also, they didn’t just murder their citizens, they murdered people across the entire continent because they viewed them as unworthy of living on the land that they were taking for themselves.
We stand up to this now – so that our government never does start rounding up people and murdering them.
Anon 10:19
Lana, I agree with what you said. But I think then the appropriate thing to say is that there are disturbing parallels here to the early days of Nazi Germany. I agree with that and have said it. But I don’t think saying “If you don’t care about the children at the border, you would have been a Nazi” is helpful or productive (or necessarily true). An individual can care about people getting murdered but not care about children getting separated from their parents. I (and lots of other people) obviously care about both. But you can draw a distinction between murder and child abuse and that doesn’t make you a Nazi sympathizer.
Celia
The Nazis separated the families by gender (and sometimes by age) and told one group they were going to have a shower. Cue the Zyklon.
The border patrols are separating the families by age and telling the parents the kids are going off to have showers. They don’t see them again.
LaurenB
Anonymous, people who actually – you know, study history! – find a lot of comparisons between Nazi Germany in the late 1920’s/early 1930’s and what is going on now. It’s too bad it harshes your mellow to hear it. Go listen to Peter Hayes, a history professor at Northwestern who specializes in why the Holocaust happened,, talk about the parallels between the situation then and the situation today. Heck – any number of history professors find this linkage. Credible, smart people see the linkage. The fact that you don’t is very telling. And not a good look.
Nudibranch
Yes
Anonymous
I have to agree with this.
I strongly dislike Trump and these past 2 years have pushed my anxiety upward and saddened me to no end, but on the left we loose by pushing comparisons to the extreme. Be clear, be honest, be critical, engage and vote.
I’m more worried about who the heck our candidate is going to be in 2 years. Crickets…… What a disappointment. We have no focus except anti-Trump, which is not enough.
Knope2020
This comment is so disappointing to me! Why do you want us to pay attention to a hypothetical candidate who will run in 2 years rather than all of the critical races for governor/house/senate that are happening RIGHT NOW? There are literally hundreds of candidates across the country in these races focusing on important issues for their communities, but you don’t care because you’re complaining about the future.
If we lose the midterms, it’s the fault of people who are thinking like you.
Anonymous
Your post is a perfect example of why I worry about Trump winning again.
Of course I care about these elections. I voted, helped get friends registered and encouraged more people to get citizenship in the past year so they could vote too, gave more $ to elections in other states than in my own (blue) state, volunteer with multiple political and issue driven nonprofits and participate in political discussion among friends and co-workers to try to encourage thought and healthy debate.
Why did you assume I didn’t? You just said a couple awful things about me, when I actually share your beliefs. Jumping to this bad talk and causing a division within our own forces is the kind of things that Conservatives want us to do. So much so, that I almost wonder if you post isn’t a Russian or a simple instigator, because it serves little value. I really hope it is ….
If you can offend a lefty like me with parents who are communists, can you imagine how your attitude affects the moderates that we are trying to bring back into the fold?
anon
+1. I’m concerned it will lead to outrage fatigue and we’ll all just become normalized to this level of…. bad things. Especially people who maybe could have otherwise been swayed to our way of seeing things. So much about winning in politics is about managing optics, and it really does not help our cause to talk like this. At a certain point people stop caring and taking the issue seriously, which I think is a lot worse than where we are now.
Anonymous
I think its appropriate to compare to Nazis, Trump is step 7 on the 10 steps to genocide, and that is no mistake. This is very intentional
IHHtown
The Nazi comparisons to every other event is a bit much, but to keep Nazis in our mind when literal declared neo-Nazis are running and winning elected positions and have the sympathies of the current President? Yeah, we’re gonna keep forging ahead with the lessons learned from Nazi Germany in our mind, for our own safety.
It’s nice that you can have outrage at “overdone” comparisons. I however will keep beating the loud drum to learn from history as a person who a Nazi would literally gun down in the street if he had the chance, and as the type of person who is targeted by Nazis with harassment and physical harm everyday.
Signed – a non-wealthy, female person of color from a southern state.
Anonymous
Noooo, *you* are losing credibility. This is literal Nazi stuff here! If you’re complaining about outrage fatigue, I don’t know how to help you. You SHOULD be outraged!
Anon
Do you understand that this line of argumentation is not persuasive?
The only mass murder going on today is one endorsed by nearly every woman here.
Anonymous
Do you understand we all think you’re a man trolling? Abortion is not mass murder and you’re not interesting
Anon
Nope, that’s you. If you oppose abortion, you are fine with women dying in their attempts to obtain an unsafe one. 37,000 women a year – I guess that’s okay with you. You are not pro-life and never have been.
nasty woman
lol please. Was this your attempt at showing us what a persuasive line of argumentation looks like?
Also, I don’t think you understand how to use the term “mass murder.”
anon
Ok look, abortion issue totally aside, this line of argumentation is only persuasive if you already are inclined to agree with it. What we need is for people who have more marginal viewpoints to start agreeing with it. The issue here is who your audience is. If you’re talking to other progressives, sure it’s persuasive. We need to adjust our style of communication to be persuasive to people outside this group of people. Talking in an echo chamber doesn’t change minds and create change.
Anonymous
Why help actual people when we can use this as bizarre excuse to police women’s right and force them to give birth?
Never too many shoes...
And there it is. Go step on a lego, comrade.
Anon
I find the comparisons to Nazi’s actually extremely offensive as a Jewish person. The Nazi’s were attempting to wipe out an entire race of people – they MURDERED people. Trump is terrible. What’s happening at the border is a massive human rights violation, but until we start seeing gas chambers and firing squads, going all the way to the Nazi/Hitler comparison is enormously offensive.
Anonymous
So we wait for the gas chambers and say nothing? I thought the lesson was that we see the signs and call the nazis out?
Anon
+1 One of my favorite phrases is “if you don’t understand history, you are doomed to repeat it”. Over the last 2 years we’ve come to see very clearly that it’s happening again and we as citizens of the world need to stop it.
Pretty Primadonna
THANK YOU! It is all escalating, while everyone sits around saying “it’s not as bad as [insert terrible historical event here]”. NEWSFLASH: we are being tested to see what we will put up with. Sadly, it appears to be a lot.
Anon
Nope. I’m Jewish, too, and every minute of the hundreds of hours of Holocaust education I received as a child was meant to teach me to identify the beginning of a slippery slope. The point isn’t to reserve a tragedy for ourselves, the point is to ensure that it never happens again.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
+1000
Anonymoose
+1,000,000
Horse Crazy
As a Jew, what is offensive is what the administration is doing, not the Nazi comparisons. We are well on our way to Nazi Germany. Open your eyes.
Anonymous
I find the comparisons to Nazis extremely appropriate as a Jewish person.
Anonymous
I need a carry on duffle. I need to be able to order it from Amazon, and I don’t want to spend more than $50. Does anyone have a rec, or is everything in that price range total junk?
Backstory: I’m on a work trip and my trusty 10 year old bag fell apart on the way here. I have other bags I like at home, but I need something to travel with at the end of this week. I don’t have time to go to a store, but I can have Amazon shipped to our office here.
Cb
Dakine duffle! I have a Longchamp shaped bag (made of recycled plastic) that looks really nice and wears like iron. Did a quick amazon check and it looks just right price wise.
pugsnbourbon
Try the Sweetbriar Classic Duffel – $40 and Prime-eligible. I’ve used mine as a gym bag for a couple years and it’s held up nicely (and I am hard on my things).
Anonymous
Blackstone expandable bag (it collapses into a pouch). They are wonderful.
Candidate
I know we JUST did this, but I’m looking for a current Rothy’s referral link if anyone has one to share.
I got new point toe leather flats and wore them for the first time yesterday. They HURT, I’m hoping they break in a bit, but putting on my Rothy’s this morning was like stepping into a cloud of comfort. I’m willing to deal with the odor issue by washing more frequently if I can have the comfort!
Anonymous
https://www.talkable.com/x/YJpsV2
anonypotamus
here’s one! https://www.talkable.com/x/QHJ470
Fed Employee
Does the Hatch Act (or other law I don’t know about) prevent me from calling my representatives (1) during the work day (I think that’s a yes) or (2) during my lunch break (I feel like this should be a no)? Because President Trump is defending the separation of families, his name will come up in my dialogues. Also, should I be calling the governor’s office re: not sending National Guard to the border if requested?
I understand that the Hatch Act is about partisan politics, but I feel like with all the guidance being issued now that President Trump announced his candidacy for reelection there’s a lot of grey area and room for scrutiny by his administration.
Anonymous
The rules apply to what you do during the work day – I’m not sure how they treat lunch (and also not show it applies to this type of activity). But call the Office of Special Counsel and ask. They have a hotline for these types of questions
CloseToFeds
You cannot call your representative from your own phone while you are on government property. So don’t sit in your car in the parking lot and do it – go off-site.
Big Law Salary Increases
Any thoughts on big law salary increases for associates? I’m a mid-level associate in a Chicago firm and I even find it a bit insane. How can this keep up?
Anonymous
I doubt my firm is going to move… I don’t think we’re getting enough work in through the door to justify another raise, and I would be worried about people getting eased out faster if salaries went up across the board.
Anonymous
I know a couple people who have been told that they have to leave in the past few weeks, and my firm hasn’t even announced if it is raising salaries yet. It’s completely crazy!
And I find the argument that associates are entitled to a raise because the salary scale hasn’t changed in a few years offensive. Every year, associates get a raise. It’s not like I was still making $160k – the first year salary when I started. I don’t know of any other field where people get similar raises each year on a set scale
anon biglaw partner
We did raises for associates only 2 years ago, and it was a really big budget hit. We also substantially increased our maternity and paternity leave (critically important, IMO), which has been super expensive. We don’t have the budget for another round of associate raises – and we haven’t raised NEP comp in about 5 years, so people are taking paycuts when they make NEP, which leads to attrition of experienced attorneys that we really need to keep. PPP have been largely flat for us. So I don’t know where the money comes from.
Anonymous
My clients have told me that it won’t be them. And none of them let first years do billable work anymore on their matters, so no one will make hours now anyway.
My bet: we lay off more support staff (only fourth years get to use secretaries, everyone else has virtual secretaries). We outsource everything and underfund IT. Firm insurance (already bad and very expensive) becomes more expensive (and stops being free for associates or staff making over 50K).
Also: stealth layoffs ramp up; the big cull that happened to 4th years now happens to second and third years.
Big Law Salary Increases
This is really interesting – it is my understanding the my firm has a unwritten policy that NEPs cannot make less than senior associates so I’m curious how this will affect their pay.
Big Law Salary Increases
Sorry – I realize there are typos in this.
Anon
Can someone explain this associate raise thing to us non-lawyers? There have been several posts lately. Is it basically that all the big law firms agree on the pay scale nationally and one firm just upped the ante? Like how is this something that everyone seems to be doing right now?
My background is big 4 and yes, the firms (unofficially?) end up at about the same rates for all staff levels, but a lot of that is just normal cost of labor specific to each market. I don’t remember years where we compared increases to our peers so much as the one year when 1st years did get a decent bump they had to scramble to adjust everyone else so the first years weren’t making more than the second years.
Anonymous
I would say it’s less agreement among the firms and more of an arms race. The top firms, or firms that consider themselves to be top firms, will increase pay to be competitive for recruiting. All of the top firms want to be able to say that the attorneys they are bringing in are the best and the brightest, but the best and the brightest usually want to go where they are going to get paid the most.
I think the reason I compare to my peers is that the hours are pretty terrible wherever you are, so why wouldn’t I go somewhere that I can get paid more for essentially the same work and the same hours? Obviously, that is the 10,000 foot view and they’re are certain nuanced reasons for being at one firm over another, but that is the general viewpoint in my experience.
anon
I get that. As with most things the competitors are probably a lot more alike than they are different despite what they may try to present to themselves to the outside so of course go where benefits you the most.
This conversation seems more like everyone is surprised about an annual increase in pay rates? I guess that’s where I am curious to what I seem to be missing. People seemingly from different firms all seem to be discussing this big thing that happened like it’s a news item but maybe it’s just that it’s a small world so everyone knows that some firm did raises and now others are following? So do law firms not do update pay scales annually? (ie the first year pay band is where it is with no annual increase whereas in my experience the first year pay fluctuated with the market so some years it was flat but other years normal market increases – but it was never newsworthy except that one year they were going to make more than some 2nd years so the firms adjusted everyone beyond the normal performance/time in grade raises).
Maybe I’m overthinking it but just curious since there have been quite a few posts mentioning it
January
Most large law firms do increase pay annually for associates (usually on the order of 5%). So a pay raise every year is normal and expected at these firms. But, when one firm in a competitive market increases the starting salaries for first years, then the salaries for all other class years at that firm are calculated based on that starting salary, so everyone gets a raise. Then, other firms in that market feel compelled to follow suit so as to attract and retain top talent, and the cycle continues …
It’s more news item than routine occurrence, like the annual pay increase.
Anon
Got it thanks!
Anonymous
I need some help navigating a tricky social situation. I’m sort of new to a group of friends that likes to travel. Most of these folks are young professionals making close to or above six figures. I’m in biglaw.
I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of side eye for the way I travel. They stay in hostels or pile as many people as possible into a hotel/airbnb. I… don’t. I have a lot of sleep issues so I just can’t share a room or stay in a rowdy house, I’ll never sleep. But also… I don’t want to? I can afford to stay in a nice place so I’m going to do that. Look I mean I don’t judge them for wanting to spend as little money as possible on lodgings — and actually I envy people who can sleep anywhere. But I don’t really understand how it’s a moral failing that I’ve never stayed in a hostel.
The real kicker is that these folks all come from privileged backgrounds. I never traveled when I was younger because I couldn’t afford it. There were years that I was buying groceries on credit. Those years for them – they were backpacking around Europe on their parents’ dime. It’s just so weird. Like when I was young, I didn’t fit in because I had no money. Now I don’t fit in because I spend too much? Idk if there’s a question in here or just frustration, I just wish I knew how to navigate these issues better!
anon
Until you are making $$$, you don’t understand it. I make 4x as much as I did when I was just out of school and purchases I used to agonize over, I don’t bat an eye over now. Your friends give you the side eye because to them, it’s a waste of money and/or they can’t afford it. Everyone has different priorities and, in this situation, no one is right or wrong , just different.
I think you just keep quiet about how you and your friends travel. Change the subject if it comes up.
Anon
The answer to your concern is don’t travel with incompatible travel partners. You don’t have to travel with these people, find travel buddies that want regular hotel rooms.
OP
I haven’t traveled with them much, but this comes up in general talks about our vacations. Like they’ll trade stories about hostels they’ve stayed in and ask me about mine. Or they’ll ask me where I stayed.
When I travel with them I tell them, let me know where you’re staying and I’ll get my own room and meet up with you guys when I can. I use several excuses: 1) I usually can’t go for as long as they’re going so I don’t want to pay for days I’m not there; 2) my work can require me to cancel so I want a refundable room (if I had to cancel when I’m splitting a place with people then I’d still pay); 3) my sleep issues.
Idea
Admit to them that you’re a travel “snob” — you’re like a banana, you just don’t travel well! and bond over what you do have in common – oh, you’ve both been to this beach, or seen that movie, or love to save money this way?! perfect! If this is the only thing that divides you, please consider your relationship lucky. Move. On.
Anon
Yeah I am in a similar situation as you. If I sense some judgment, I’ll usually say something like “I only left my home state twice before I graduated college, I’ve worked hard to get to afford the vacation style I dreamt of back then. So you enjoy your preferred vacation, I’ll enjoy mine.” and then move on. If they want to judge about how you spend your money, maybe they’re not the friends to discuss it with.
anonshmanon
tbh, it comes across as odd that you spend much more than them on vacations but cite excuses of saving money (a and b on your list). Might be more authentic to just own your preference instead. Like another poster said, you’re a travel snob, you like what you like.
Anonymous
I travel similarly to you and anyone who acts like it’s a “moral failing” that you don’t stay in hostels doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to keep around as a friend. That said, I don’t really spend a lot of time discussing my accommodations with my friends. When we talk about trips we talk about what I did and ate. Are they asking you point blank about your accommodations? Because otherwise I’d just avoid bringing it up at all.
Unclear to me from the Q if you’re actually traveling with them, but I wouldn’t. Best friends are not necessarily good travel friends and vice versa. Traveling with someone requires matching up on a lot of different things that are unrelated to how close you are as friends. I’d just beg out of group trips and find other ways to connect.
I can relate!
I fall into your camp (didn’t have $$ to leave country before law school, enjoy nicer accommodations when traveling) and my boyfriend is similar to your friends (i.e. very privileged, traveled the world, lots of hostels). I’ve also felt slightly judged for my preferences. I would recommend giving hostels a try – like hotels, hostels offer a range of accommodations. Some hostels are significantly nicer than others and offer private rooms. When traveling together, we have compromised by staying in a (nicer) hostel some nights and mid range hotels other nights.
Ellen
As a person who was very fortunate and privileged in my pre-professional vacation travels, I would take the lead from your boyfreind and upscale a bit — hostels are strictly for kids and older people who do not have much money to spend. If your boyfreind has money, then you are all set!
Rosa also told me NOT to stay in a hostel b/c you run the risk of getting bedbugs there, and there were scarey movies about women in hostels that she said makes her want to stick to 4 or 5 star hotels (tho they can also have bedbugs) –Gross!
Anonymous
So don’t travel with them?
Food
I run into this same issue when traveling with people re food. While I do not consider myself the food police, I’m not a person who can feel right by grabbing a doughnut for breakfast and having ice cream or a bag of jelly Bellies on the go for lunch. I need square meals even if they consist of scrambled eggs and toast at the Hampton Inn buffet and Chipotle for lunch.
Like someone suggested above, I just no longer travel with the people who do not have my habits. For example, I also go to be by 10:30 PM and get up earlier than most people on the weekends (i.e. by 6:30 AM).
OP
Yeah I’ve run into the food issues too. People act like you’re being a special snowflake for wanting to eat, which just boggles my mind. It’s vacation! I’m going to eat when I’m hungry! And no, beer is not dinner!
I actually have the best luck with breakfast because I’m a bit of an early riser. If I’m staying with people, I just whip up a big batch of scrambled eggs and bacon for everyone. Or I just get something on my own.
Anonymous
I think you’re being way too sensitive. Just stop traveling with these people, it sounds like you’re completely incompatible. They can have their preferences and you can have yours and that’s fine. They are not picking on you for not wanting to do the same things you do.
C2
I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable, but if you want to travel with them you’re going to have to learn how to do it without pushing any buttons and making it awkward. I also have a friend like this who I travel with, but we compromise with Airbnbs and “hostels” with private rooms. We discuss our overall budgets before a trip and find lodging that works for the group. Granted, we travel in a very small group so this works and even a shared Airbnb with a few bedrooms isn’t too rowdy. I would try to find middle ground – can you stay at a hostel with them but get a private room while they bunk up together in a larger room? Maybe you’ll need melatonin, earplugs and a sleep mask even in your private room. Maybe that’s a sacrifice you make to travel with them, especially if everyone is
If you’ve never stayed in a hostel, you may want to give it a shot. I don’t know where your travel destinations are, but hostels in Europe that are rated 2-3 stars are typically extremely clean and orderly. Avoid the college student crazy hostels, and know not all hostels are the same. I draw the line at sleeping in rooms with strangers. I will share a private room with one other person. I will not stay anywhere reviewed to be unclean. I do not mind the occasional shared bathroom situation if I can see reviews and photos online that show the bathrooms are immaculate.
Anon
If you have friends who judge, then maybe they aren’t real friends? I explain once why I do things the way I do, and if that’s still not acceptable to my friends then that’s not something I can help. I don’t stay at hostels either, and are very iffy about airbnb. I don’t like sharing room and bathrooms with strangers so that’s my issue with hostels (if you’re getting an ensuite at these places then you’re paying about the same as a regular hotel anyway). Airbnb are illegal in many cities and they now have to be registered in places like Paris, Tokyo etc. I don’t want to put the effort into vetting these places. We have also run into miscommunication with hosts, how to get the keys etc. No thanks, I’m on vacation to relax. I also need to have breakfast. Even if it’s just a hotel continental buffet. We do what we need to function. No need to feel bad about it.
Anonymous
Honestly, I bet you are way overthinking. I’m sure that most of your friends do not judge you morally for not staying in hostels. If there are one or two that do, then they shouldn’t be your friends anymore. Seriously, nobody cares that much about other people to keep that kind of tabs on their travel.
Anonymous
I might judge you a little, as I suspect not all of your friends can afford the way you want to travel, and if that is the real reason than I sympathize with them. Traveling is expensive.
HOWEVER, I would never never never judge anyone who can’t do communal sharing because of sleep difficulties. That is quite common actually and almost nothing is more important than a good night sleep so I would hang your hat on that. Totally understand.
But sounds like this isn’t a great travel group for you.
Anon
Has anyone tried on the Eleanor dress from M.M. LaFleur and can comment about whether the side ruching just makes it look wrinkled and like it doesn’t fit properly?
My husband commented on that and now I’m wondering if I want to keep mine
Cc
I’m sure this won’t reply in the same place but I don’t know why I would lose credibility. We are watching a human rights violation. Trump calling them animals, making them seem less that human. Some find it appalling, some find it fine. I’m asking if those that find it fine also would be fine with the initial policies of Nazi germany. You can’t view yourself as someone who would have fought against the Nazis in my opinion, but I am asking if some do. If there is a disconnect that I am missing
anon
I don’t think you’re losing credibility. I think that people constantly expressing outrage and using extreme language like calling people Nazis can make you/ progressives generally lose credibility. I’m not saying the use of said language isn’t factually correct in some cases, but it doesn’t really matter. The more you use extreme or hyperbolic sounding language, the less people who don’t 100% share your viewpoint are going to listen. And like it or not, we need to sway people in the middle to hear our viewpoint and find it compelling.
In general I try to be very measured and precise in my language, and I find that it’s especially important at time like now. I do find that it builds credibility and people who wouldn’t otherwise listen do actually, and thoughtfully engage. Like all approaches, though, it has its downsides. Just saying that a potential loss of credibility (or just people not paying attention anymore) is a potential downside of the expressing outrage approach
Anonymous
YES
Anonymous
The disconnect is hindsight and myopia. Everyone now agrees that the Nazis are bad. No one wants to think about the popular support they enjoyed in the first place. Those people were just bad. Always bad. The world is black and white. I would make a better choice because I’m not bad. I will always be on the right side. Etc.
Anon
Personally, I think it’s extremely dangerous to paint everyone as “Nazi bad” or “good.” We lose the ability to view human beings as complex creatures who are capable of both evil and good acts. There are plenty of people who support border security who do not support border separations. There are plenty of people crossing the border with a sympathetic story, but who have also committed violent crimes. Black and white thinking helps neither side.
That being said, the family border separations are one of the most horrific policies in recent memory, although not entirely out of character for the U.S. This policy is definitely not un-American – it’s very, very American when you assess the darkest chapters of our history.
AIMS
What’s the famous quote about all it takes for evil to happen is for good people to do nothing?
When people look back at history it’s always ‘how could THEY do that/go along with that?’ Never ‘how did WE.’ No one ever thinks about the stuff their grandparents thought or supported. The number of people who just aren’t paying attention or just assuming that there is some rationale behind atrocities is always greater than you would think.
Anonymous
Disagree that everyone now thinks nazis are bad; the president doesn’t.
Anon
Trump called members of a vicious, murderous gang “animals.” Let us at least be clear on that.
Anon
Yeah, I think it’s a losing strategy for Democrats to focus on the fact that Trump called a band of extreme criminals “animals.” They’re not exactly a sympathetic bunch.
Anonymous
Totally Agree.
We can’t pull the same stunts Trump does, although it is so so tempting…
Anonymous
Except today he said that “illegals will infest our country like ms-13” so he sees them as separate groups but recommitted to the dehumanizing language. He doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt.
genuine question
Not a troll. I am an Asian-American alum of Harvard who also supports affirmative action. Can someone explain to me what’s going on with this lawsuit? I thought it was filed by a group that is against affirmative action, but the coverage in the NY Times is more focused on the biases in evaluating Asian applicants.
Anon
The group that filed the suit is allegedly that Harvard discriminated against Asian applicants because they are completely underrepresented relative to their stellar statistics and share of the population. There seems to be good evidence that Harvard systematically dinged Asian applicants for vague personality traits like “seems like a typical quiet Asian” and “standard Asian overachiever.” Personally, I think it’s really messed up. I oppose affirmative action in its current form and would support scrapping it in favor of a multidimensional policy to boost diversity from the bottom up (i.e., universal preschool, accessible SAT tutoring services, elite school recruitment at high schools they don’t traditionally visit, removal of all college application fees, etc.).
Lottery?
I read in the WSJ that one of the four categories that general pool applicants are evaluated on is Athletics. WTF?! I think that this skews admissions to people with $ who can have their kids in sports after school and away from academics. What do athletics have to do with anything in a general applicant pool at Harvard? I just about had my head explode.
Also: why not have a generous floor of qualifications for all applicants and just pick from that pool at random? I mean, the average may fall a bit, but it would be transparent and fair.
The maybe first 10 levels of rejects down in the Harvard pool are probably just as qualified as the ones who get in. And if they care so much about athletics, this ought to help with that, too.
Anonymous
I have a friend who worked in admissions at Harvard. She told me that a few slots are saved for star athletes who couldn’t get into Harvard on academic grounds (they have to be decent students, but not Harvard-caliber). But it sounds like for 95% of the applicants, athletics don’t really play a part.
Anonymous
Like looking at the lowest-scored person you admitted last year and then putting everyone there or over on scores into a blind lottery (so like 1150 SAT and above)? I could live with that.
Anon
Sports are an important part of many people’s lives. You can assess commitment, hard work, leadership ability, etc. from looking at an applicant’s sports history. It’s not irrelevant – these are skills. I don’t agree with admitting students far below the academic standards just because they’re athletes, though. They should still have to meet a reasonable baseline of achievement.
Anonymous
Um, no. They aren’t relevant to an academic decision though. It’s Harvard. They pick, what, 2,000 people? Shouldn’t be a factor.
Maybe where is overall fitness important? West Point. Harvard is so not getting that level of fitness or leadership.
Eh
I think that’s completely relevant to admissions– Harvard admission is not a solely academic decision. Like Anon at 12:28 said, you can assess commitment, hard work, leadership… those are important traits that are relevant to college admissions., even at Harvard. It’s not just grades and SATs.
Anonymous
Yeah, but you are muddying the water — commitment and hard work are factors in SAT scores and grades. “Leadership” is not really something that you can determine by athletics (and when they want to know all-county / all-state honors, that doesn’t measure leadership. Someone who does 3 years as a JV hoops player is persistent, but not quite where the yardstick is pointing).
It seems to be a bit of wink,wink, nod, nod. You can do a lot of non-athletic things and show this (e.g., Eagle Scout, Girl Scout Gold Award), possibly much better.
Harvard I think uses this to admit people who can pay tuition (you don’t get a USTA ranking and win tournaments unless you are either the Williams sisters or from a full-tuition-paying demographic). And to whitewash (ha) the admittees.
anonshmanon
more like college sports are an important income source for universities. It is a rare occurence when a university president or Nobel laureate professor gets paid more than the university football coach.
Seventh Sister
I’ve always wondered why some of the big elite schools couldn’t do that kind of thing.
Seventh Sister
^By which I mean some kind of lottery. But I suppose there are problems with establishing a “floor.”
Anonymous
I would like to read more on this issue. I was stunned when I read the NYT article that indicated that ? > 40% of accepted Harvard applicants would be Asian if acceptance was based on numbers alone, and that somehow it gets pushed closer to 22% after a variety of other factors are weighed (eg. preference to legacies, subjective evaluations of behavioral traits like how “likeable” the applicant is…, balancing….). While I can imagine that accepting folks just based on SAT scores etc… alone is not required, I do think there is something that needs dissecting here.
I agree with affirmative action, and actually would like more of it be class based as well as race based. I believe it is unconstitutional that we do not have equal opportunities for educating children in equitable schools (K through 12 public education) in this country and think progressives should be ashamed of their neglect in this area. The rich have so many advantages here, and we should talk about this fundamental one more often.
Wow
Yes, see UC Berkeley has an example of what happens when schools get rid of AA. 40% plus are Asian. African Americans are 2.9%.
Anonymous
To be fair, isn’t California’s asian population really high? And if a kid could get into Harvard (but looks like that is really hard) or UCB, if I were an instate parent, I’d make my kid go to UCB.
Is it 40% of all admittees are asian? Or 40% of who shows up and actually attends?
B/c I bet going instate lets attendance skew poorer, which is probably driving the asian #s higher than the admitted pool (compared to richer people who might choose Harvard or Chicago or even UVA which is very expensive out of state and doesn’t have the same balancing pressures that seem to exist at Harvard).
Anon
Just google some statistics to answer most of your questions. And California has a much higher Asian population than most other states but nowhere close to 40%. And the acceptance v. admissions rate is going to vary by school so look that up too.
Wow
40% of those who enroll.
https://opa.berkeley.edu/uc-berkeley-fall-enrollment-data
It’s very very interesting that the school breaks out each Asian sub-group, to make it look less obvious that Asians are the majority.
Anonymous
OMG — “Asians” are not just one monolithic . . . thing. Why should they be treated as such?
Different people are different.
golden bear
what’s wrong with breaking out different categories of Asian students? I appreciate that they give numbers for different groups (so you can see, for example, that Pacific Islander students have low representation.) Like Anon above says, “Asians” are not a monolith!
It seems like there’s this weird anxiety about having more Asian than white students… why?
As a UC alum, I will say that there are issues about how diversity works out across the UCs (e.g. more Hispanic/Latinx students at Riverside than Berkeley), and there could definitely be better efforts to recruit and retain black and Latinx students.
Wow
I’m Asian. I’m aware we’re not a monolith. But if Cal is going to break out Asian groups, why not do the same for Hispanic groups? They’re doing it deliberately to de-emphasize the percentage of Asians being admitted as a whole.
To be clear, I’m for AA in some form. My post was simply in response to the person above who said she was stunned that Harvard would be 40% plus in the absence of AA. If Cal is a appropriate comparison (and I think it is), then those stats for Harvard are probably accurate.
Anonymous
I was surprised to see that athletics played any role in admissions and yet I read an article that said that it was one area where applicants are evaluated. I imagine that this opens slots to golfers, crew rowers, tennis players, etc. I have a feeling that the people doing well on athletics are . . . not a representative slice. I have no idea how this is weighted, but I was really surprised that it would have any significant weight.
Discovery should be very interesting.
Anonymous
Yeah MIT is 35% Asian-American and my understanding is they have a much more numbers-based system than the Ivies. They also don’t do legacy admissions and admissions for athletics reasons.
Biglaw Associate
I’m starting a new in-house position in August, and I’m getting married in June 2019.
I haven’t told my new employer about my wedding yet (interview and offer was back in May before the date was set) and I did not mention during the interview that I was engaged (nobody asked). It’s a Saturday night wedding that’s in town (no travel) and we’re not planning on going for a honeymoon right after, so I’d really only need 1-2 days before and after the weekend. Any advice on when and how to raise this to my new employer?
Anonymous
Idk like March? It’s nearly a year after you’re starting. This isn’t a crisis it’s just normally taking vacation? I mean, surely at some point you’ll mention you’re engaged and people will ask when the wedding is and you’ll tell them?
Anonymous
huh? How is this a question? You will have been there for 10 months. Of course you can take a couple days off. I’m sure no one would care if you take a week or two.
Anonymous
Wut? Your wedding is 12 months from now. Relax.
Anonymous
Not to be rude, but you realize that until like the last 10 years, most people weren’t even engaged for 12 month? I’ve been married 8 years, was engaged for about 8 months before the wedding. No one batted an eye. Find our your new employer’s requirements for vacation time, ask off according to their policies. Done.
a
I’m a recent biglaw to inhouse convert (it’s great – congrats on the move!)
Keep in mind that, unlike biglaw, you will hopefully have actual PTO days, so you’re not leaving at the whim of your boss and with billable hour demands. I think mentioning that you’re engaged when it comes up in conversation naturally, and talking about the timing of your honeymoon and wedding time off 4-6 months out is totally reasonable. I also think taking 1-2 weeks would be extremely well-received in my company.
Viva Las Megas
Parenting blog ideas? Not looking for another Scary Mommy (thought I appreciate it for what it is) but more of practical parenting/age appropriate activity ideas/discussions to generate my thoughts about what my kids should be doing at a particular age/stage. For example, it just occurred to me that my kid is ready to try chapter books. So we did, and it went great. He was probably ready several months ago. I have this blog for career/fashion, I read the news, I stay current in my industry – but I seem to be lacking a regular resource for parenting! The world of mommy-blogs is scary and I’d like to avoid anything that skews too far in any one direction (religion, crunchy-ness, attachment parenting, etc). If it matters, I’m looking for the preschool set and up from there. I’ve got the baby stuff covered. Help a mama out!
Anonymous
Come over to Corporette Moms. It’s honestly the only realistic, non-judgmental, non-crunchy page I’ve found.
Raising Boy and Girls
Blog linked, I really like it.
Anonymous
Checked it out and the second post is “Strengthening your hand in God” so I don’t think this one will appeal to the OP who was looking for a blog that doesn’t skew religious.
I'm not a troll, I'm not a troll
Yeah, I took a quick look and decided it was not for me as a non-Christian.
Raising Boy and Girls
TBH, I’m a non-Christian as well. I read in Feedly and always skip posts that don’t work for me. They have a great Tech Tuesday post, sample dialogues for discussions. Just as I don’t discount atheist parenting point of views, I don’t discount Christian either. I’ve linked their most recent post that even my husband got into discussing with me about boys & awareness. Their kids are in Church Camps for the summer, so yea. There will be some church talk, I just skip those.
Marilla
I really like How Toddlers Thrive/Tovah P Klein – I don’t think she has a blog, but she has a FB that she posts great links on, as well as an email newsletter (signed up for it after reading her book by the same name).
Anonymous
Not a blog, but the Baby Bargains Board is very helpful to me on these issues (and also choosing dishwashers, test driving cars, and blowing off stress about my ILs). Many long time members, diverse (but respectful) viewpoints, and no trolls.
Anonymous
I still get Babycenter emails for my child each month based on his age that are somewhat helpful.
Susan
You may like A Cup of Jo. It’s more of a general lifestyle/design blog, but she often does more family/motherhood focused posts. She has a series “parenting around the world” that is lovely. I’ve picked up wonderful tips from her posts (and comments) on communication with my daughter, some fun toys, great books, etc.
Anonymous
It’s not really a mommy blog but the blog Lag Liv talks about raising her three kids while working full time. I really like it.
thank you?
Those of you who are married or otherwise share a household, do you explicitly thank your husband for what he does (either inside or outside the home)? And does he explicitly thank you? I’ve realized lately I’m constantly thanking my husband for things like running the dishwasher. I think it’s out of a combination of internalized “everything he does is a personal favor and you should be abjectly grateful” and internalized “he is a child and needs to be carefully guided with positive reinforcement,” but I’m wondering if there’s a healthy version of this.
Anon
I do this a lot, but primarily because we’ve pretty much established that one of his love languages is “words of affirmation”. He should do his share of household duties with or without my praise, but he will do it happily instead of begrudgingly if his efforts are recognized. Call it what you will, but if frequent thank yous make for a harmonious happy home, I’m all for it.
thank you?
Does he thank you too? I think part of what’s bugging me is that my husband never says “thank you” for what I’m doing, and I can’t tell how petty I’m being.
Anon
He thanks me, just a lot less often, and mostly for “non-ordinary” things. Like, not for doing the dishes, but yes for caulking the tub.
Anonymous
Oh my God you caulked your tub. You are my hero.
anon
Yeah I think we generally both thank each other. I think it’s less about being very grateful and more about showing appreciation for someone with whom you’re in a partnership. Just because we should both be contributing equally and he’s doing his part doesn’t mean I take it for granted. I think it’s good to appreciate the basic things.
Anon in NYC
Agreed. I expect my husband to do his chores and equally participate in household management, but I also thank him for doing so (and vice versa).
avocado
Same. We also thank our child when she does her chores and she sometimes remembers to thank us for feeding her and playing taxi driver.
Marilla
+1 to this. Not that grown-ups need a pat on the head for unloading the dishwasher, but it’s good to be in a habit of noticing and appreciating the little things and verbalizing that regularly. It’s also an important behaviour to model in front of your kids, if you have or plan to have them.
Cat
Not all the time for regular effort, but always if one of us takes on a chore that’s the other partner’s responsibility (like I am in charge of laundry, husband is in charge of cleaning bathrooms; if he handles a load because I’m busy, I’ll thank him for it), or does something extra, like going out to pick up dinner when we’re equally exhausted.
mascot
Things he does that are solely a favor for me, like bringing me my coffee in the morning when I am getting ready- yes, I make an effort to thank him
Everyday chores- not thanking him in the moment, but I do regularly acknowledge and say to him how much I appreciate what he does as a partner and a parent. I also will tell him how great the yard looks thanks to all his hard work, etc. Likewise, he is very complimentary of my cooking or planning an activity or whatever. Showing gratitude and appreciation is a good relationship habit for us.
yes
I try to. For example, I thanked my husband yesterday for running out after breakfast to fill my car with gas while I got ready for work. Even though he SHOULD have since he returned it to me on empty while teaching our teenager to drive on Saturday. Still, I made a point to say, “Thank you SOOOO much for filling up my car. That helped me so much.” I really, really do not want discourage good deeds by taking them for granted. :) Also, I find that the behavior is often mirrored since he occasionally thanks me for things: “All these clean clothes in my drawer make me feel so happy.” I just hope our child is soaking it in. Right now she seems uber-entitled. :)
Anon
We do this a lot, even for chores that we “own” ourselves. It contributes to feeling appreciated and it has led to literally zero problems. My husband and I have a really close bond and our thank-yous came out naturally, but I read later that it can be beneficial in relationships and I’ll plan to keep it up if our natural enthusiasm flags. I highly recommend frequent thank-yous as a house policy.
Anonymous
Yeah, we thank each other for stuff a lot.
Apparently I’ve been saying “thank you for taking care of all the things” a lot recently, he brought it up as one of the nice things I’ve said to him. But he does! it’s like mysteriously the cat has had his rabies shot and the car has had its oil change and someone figured out which animal control service to go with and there aren’t squirrels breaking into our attic. He works from home and I don’t, and I guess a few years ago he just decided to start taking care of things? Dunno, but it’s awesome. I wasn’t even aware of how much I was doing until I just didn’t have to do it any more. (I think it started when I started my part-time MBA program and stopped having time, so things were just not getting done.)
Anonymous
It’s an ongoing struggle for us. He really does do a lot around the house, but I feel like I’m always thanking him and he never thanks me. We’ve talked about it and he says he shouldn’t have to thank me for doing basic chores. So I guess I should stop thanking him? But it comes naturally to me. I suspect it’s a Love Languages thing, although I don’t know much about that beyond what I’ve read here.
Anon in NYC
If you want him to thank you, tell him. Even if he feels like he shouldn’t have to. It’s not like he’s morally opposed to thanking you, right? It’s okay to ask for (and even insist on) that verbal affirmation. It doesn’t matter if you thanking him has no meaning to him.
Anonymous
I have told him. He says “I shouldn’t have to thank you for doing chores.” He actually is (morally ?) opposed to thanking me.
Parfait
I recommend reading at least a summary of the languages online, if not he whole book. I found it really eye-opening. It doesn’t really help to express love in a language the other party doesn’t feel loved in.
Anonymous
Yes I do! My husband also thanks me, or shows his appreciation verbally in some other way. I think it is a healthy way to be. My nephew lives with us in the summer and he definitely NOTICED that we do this. He has (unfortunately) seen a lot of relationships break up in his short life and even as a child he picked up on the contrast. (I’m not trying to brag or throw shade, I hope it comes across as just an example). So yeah, I don’t think of saying thank you to my spouse the way you have mentioned. I want to thank him for everything he does for me and us, so I say it!
nuqotw
If you want to be thanked, ask him to say it. It’s a totally legitimate request. It might feel weird at first e.g. “I would like to be thanked for X that I just did” and he should presumably respond with “Thank you for X.” DH and I have over the past few months discussed that we like hearing “thank you” so we’re both trying to thank each other more but at first it was really forced and in fact even more tense than the old no-thanking pattern. Now it’s less tense and less forced but we will probably still have our moments. It’s not so much because doing the dishes is a personal favor from one to the other but more along the lines of “I notice you contributing to the household and it makes all of our lives better.”
Baconpancakes
I am also struggling with this. I usually empty the dishwasher in the morning before work, while my SO is still asleep. Yesterday I didn’t get to it, and when I came home, the dishwasher was empty, and I said, surprised, “Oh! Thank you for unloading the dishwasher!” He shrugged it off as nbd, which it was, because he now works from home, but he doesn’t thank me for doing those kinds of chores. On the one hand, I want him to know I notice and appreciate his contributions to keeping the household clean and encourage that (and I am naturally a words of affirmation person), but on the other hand, it IS his job, and I shouldn’t have to treat him like a child.
We are both pretty good about thanking the other when we directly perform a service for the other person, like bringing the other person tea or a drink, or cooking dinner. That makes sense to me, even if it’s technically both of our responsibilities to cook dinner.
Parfait
Yes, we both thank each other constantly, for our regular chores as well as for things above and beyond. It’s nice. Laundry is his job, sure, and maybe technically I don’t “owe” him thanks, but it makes my life so much better to know that I will always have clean workout clothes and undies. I’m grateful that he does it so regularly and so well, so sure I thank him for washing all my stuff!
Rainbow Hair
I thank my husband all the time. He stays at home and does all the typical ‘wife’ stuff: meal planning, groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, calling the plumber, making the yard look nice, etc. Every night when he puts dinner on the table I thank him, because I appreciate it. Same with other things, like, “wow the yard looks awesome, thanks for doing that.” I’ve noticed Kiddo doing it too, which is great.
He doesn’t thank me a lot — not because he doesn’t appreciate it, but just because that’s not how he works. I’d probably like to get thanked more, but it doesn’t bother me because I know he appreciates what I do.
Anon
Yes; he is a truly wonderful man who is committed to bring a good partner and who expresses his appreciation of me.
Anonymous
My husband and I both thank each other. I probably thank him more because frankly he does more.
anon
Yes. My husband started it and it was really weird to me at first. My parents did not do this to each other when I was growing up so it wasn’t a habit I witnessed regularly. I don’t always remember to say thank you, but I’m getting better and I think my husband really appreciates it.
Anonymous
My husband and I do not regularly thank each other for what we do around the house or for work we do outside the house. It’s absolutely not how I work. My default mentality has always been, “You do what you’re expected to do, you get thanked for personal favors or going above and beyond.” But I’ve been making more of an effort to express thanks, and DH beams whenever I do. Our marriage seems healthier and more peaceful. And there’s a bonus of positive reinforcement leading to DH making more of an effort to do things he knows I appreciate.
KS IT Chick
For the regular stuff, not so much. Under normal circumstances, DH does the laundry and I do the cooking. It’s the regular division of chores.
For the last 3 weeks, I’ve been on crutches. We have a split-level house, with the kitchen & bedroom on the lower level and the living room & bathroom on the upper level. I can’t carry much of anything up or down the stairs. When he fixes supper and brings me a plate in the living room, I make a point to thank him for so doing so. Same with when he goes to the store and gets my new favorite ice cream for me. (When is ice cream therapeutic? When it has more calcium than the supplement you’re taking to try to heal a broken bone.)
nutella
Yeah, we are big thankers in our house. The way I see it, whether it is doing his ‘informal chore’ or a direct favor to me, it’s making my life a smidge easier and I am thankful for that. I have also never, ever encountered someone who didn’t like being appreciated. He is the same way.
I think we both grew up in ‘thanking’ families, so that’s probably a big reason why. Someone pointed out once at a restaurant that it is a chorus of thank yous with our families – Hand the server your menu after you give you order, say thank you. Busboy refills your water, say thank you. Server brings your plate, say thank you. Busboy clears your plate, say thank you. Server collects the check and says thank you, we say thank you again. And often say it on the way out, too, to the maitre d, whatever. We are thank you people I guess, even when someone is doing their job. Why not express appreciation?
As for you, bring it up with your husband if you want to hear it!
thank you?
This helps — I think I’m from a “thanking family” and he’s not. They don’t even say “Thank you” for presents, which seems weird to me, but they do say “This is so thoughtful” and “I love the thing you gave me” and “You give the nicest presents” and things like that. But I do want to hear “Thank you.”
Anon
I make a conscious effort to thank my husband, even though I don’t think it’s necessary. In my view, I shouldn’t have to thank him for doing things that need to be done in a house we both live in and for children we both parent. I don’t expect to be thanked for doing things that need to be done in a house we both live in. Sort of a view that I don’t need to thank you for doing your job; above and beyond of course deserves thanks. I shouldn’t need to thank you for doing the thing that I asked you to do (like take out the trash) for the 3rd time today and it finally got done 4 hours later. I joke he has the best “husband” ever in that he stays at home with our kids, but somehow I do 95% of the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. or manage the outsourcing of it while working 60+ hours a week, a situation every SAHM I know would LOVE to have if their partner did what I do. BUT at the end of the day it’s about keeping the peace. He is more likely to do things (and complain less about my “nagging”) if I thank him for the every day things I think he should be doing anyways. And sometimes he even spontaneously does them! He (every few weeks) has an epiphany about all the things I do and thanks me for them, so I try to return the favor (and properly incentivize him).
Pretty Primadonna
I do because my husband appreciates it and he thanks me often for things I do for him. It works for us.
anony
Wow that’s a really negative way to look at thanking someone. Yes, my husband and I both thank each other regularly. I think it’s important to recognize what the other person is doing, because it’s so easy to take them for granted and assume you are always the one working harder, when really, you might just not be paying attention to everything they are doing – in and out of your line of vision. Life is hard and exhausting for both people in a marriage, it’s good to be supportive and appreciative.
Anon
Birthday ideas appreciated! My husband’s 30th birthday – been a difficult year for him/us – he went to treatment for his alcohol addition and is in recovery (doing well!). So I want to acknowledge that accomplishment subtly while also getting him something great for his 30th. He’s into learning about outdoors (gardening/plants, trees, grasses, etc.), likes to fish/hunt occasionally, likes football, enjoys cooking & unique food. We’re in a rural area so it’s hard to get tickets to events/do experiences, but I’m open to any great ideas! Budget is $100-$250.
Anonymous
What about some fruit trees?
Idea
Big Green Egg or similar smoker.
Fishing/Hunting trip and/or accessories.
Go camping with him and/or with non-drinking friends?
Football tix to the big game in your area – college or whatever?
AnonZ
For his accomplishment related to recovery, I think a really heartfelt and encouraging note in his birthday card would be nice. You could talk about how proud you are of him for tackling something so challenging, how happy it has made you to so him improving, how glad you are that he is your partner, etc. Those sorts of notes can mean a lot to people.
Anonymous
Recovery is such a big achievement. (And a huge, ongoing challenge: my dude is almost 7 years sober and is literally at a meeting as I type).
Fancy grill, meat subscription, hot sauces
Depending on your location, a canoe/kayak?
Plans for raised garden beds and a GC for the wood/plants
anonanon
Fruit trees that grow in your area and some new gloves to plant the trees. Did that for a milestone birthday and we enjoy the fruit every year now!
Becca
I’m going back to work (lawyer) after a year off for mental health reasons. I want to treat myself to a nice black leather work tote. Any suggestions? Preferably under $300, but if it’s amazing I could be convinced to go higher.
BabyAssociate
I have a L&S Seville and really like it. There are some on sale right now in your price range!
Anon
+1000000
Anonymous
My boss emails me lots of random tasks to do, for example, “email Ms. Smith and ask if our organization can present at X event” or “collect info from staff on this by X date and send to CEO.” Most are no big deal things, but he sends A LOT. That is not the issue… my question is, should I respond to each of his email requests with “Ok, will do!” or just do it and copy him when I do it? I know I am overthinking this, but what is the norm for these things?
Anonymous
Ask him if he wants you to send confirmation or just handle. As a manager, I assume you are doing what I tell you to do but some people like that reassurance.
Anonymous
OP here – yes, he is hands off manager so I just assumed he knows I am doing what he asks but it just occurred to me that maybe I should respond (I have no idea why!). I also cannot even imagine replying that I will do something to every email he sends and flooding the inbox with that.
AnonZ
Maybe you could send a round-up at the end of the week regarding issues that he sent you. Just a bulleted list of “Emailed Ms. Smith re: X event – waiting to hear back. Sent staff info to CEO on Thurs. Etc.”
Anonymous
I don’t get quite as many emails from my boss as OP, but if I am going to handle the task the same day, I just do it and cc my boss, or do it and send an email like “FYI, I called so-and-so, we’re on for the presentation at X.” If I’m not going to get to it until the next day or later, I email him at least “Will do” or “Got it” and give him an estimated time frame if I can. My boss doesn’t like “round up” emails, although I think they’re a good idea generally.
Anonymous
Thanks – I think this is a good balance to my strategy! Most things I do rather quickly. It’s sometimes tough to balance without feeling like I am being annoying (even though I know I should not feel that way!)
Delta Dawn
My assistant does this, and I like it. If I email her and ask her to do something, she replies to that email once she has the result. Her reply might be as simple as “Done,” but at least then I know it’s done.
Anonymous
I think you should probably ask him what he prefers because it’s one of those things where there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it, but he might have personal preferences one way or the other.
Anonymous
Anyone have a mortar and pestle they love, by chance? I’m primarily going to be making pesto and other pastes so a longer pestle would be ideal.
Anonymous
Have you considered a mini chop? It’s like a mini food processor. My immersion blender actually came with one as an attachment. It’s been super easy to use and clean up.
Constant Reader
IDK — I have a mini chop, a Cuisinart, and a mini food processor, and there are some pastes and consistencies that you just can’t get without a mortar and pestle (I just had to dump something out of my Cuisinart and into the mortar yesterday, grrrr). Mine’s old, but very much like this — it isn’t a deep one, it’s wide and shallow with ridges and does most of the jobs I want it to do. https://www.amazon.com/Helens-Asian-Kitchen-Suribachi-Ceramic/dp/B000UEYXL8/ref=asc_df_B000UEYXL8/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=193124474144&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=488318886120822124&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014979&hvtargid=pla-307266052940&psc=1
Constant Reader
If that was a referral link, was a total accident! Just copied and pasted from a google search.
Anonymous
I have one from Crate & Barrel that I like.
Anon
Yes. I don’t know why people are recommending food processors in response to your request. I have a food processor, a mini food processor, and an immersion blender but I still use my mortar and pestle. They’re totally different things for different uses.
I have a marble mortar that came with a marble pestle, which broke, and I replaced it with a nice longer handled stainless steel pestle that I bought on amazon. Much better than the original setup. I will try to link the pestle separately. The marble set you can buy just about everywhere.
Anon
Here is the pestle I have and I do recommend it
StainlessLUX 75710 Brushed Stainless Steel Pestle / Grinder Press – Quality Kitchenware for Your Home https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003ZBWZI6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_squkBb0CH3C1W
anonypotamus
I have one by Cole and Mason that I super like – it is quite heavy but a good size. I think they sometimes carry them at Marshalls, but I bought mine from Sur La Table.
Anonymous
Has anyone ever gotten a rude message from an AirBnB host after leaving a less-than-stellar review of their property? Is there anything I can do other than report the message?
I had a bunch of issues with a property – I notified the owner, he mostly resolved them but tbh these issues were obvious and never should’ve been there to begin with. I gave the property 3 stars, which I think was pretty generous all things considered. The owner didn’t review me but I guess they were just now able to read my review. He sent me a rude private message – “who do you think you are” among other things – criticizing my review and demanding that I change it. I hit report on the message but it doesn’t let you explain why you’re reporting it. Is there anything else I should do? Can he negatively affect my rating or do anything else to harm me at this point?
Anonymous
You can call Airbnb directly – it’s sort of hard to find their numbers, but if you click on the “urgent” button some phone numbers will pop up.
OP
Thanks, yeah I don’t want to tie up a line that’s meant to be used by people who are getting scammed or can’t get into their rental or something. Just want to make sure I’m doing what I need to do to protect myself!
Anonymous
Protect yourself . . . from rude messages?
OP
I’m concerned that he might leave a bad review of me. Idk if he can still do that or if the time is up?
Anonymous
Wait, all he did was send you a rude message? Just let it go. Downgrade your rating of his property if you’re able to, I guess.
Anonymous
Yeah. He wrote you a rude message? Just delete it.
Anon
Can you edit your review? If so, add a section at the bottom “After I posted this review, I got a PM from him stating [quote rude part] and [quote demand to change the review]. I won’t change my review above or rating, but I will say that it negatively impacts my impression of this stay, and I thought it was important info as you compare reviews of options in the area.”
Anon
Yes, please do that. This is exactly the kind of thing I’d want to know before choosing a property.
Cat
I thought the way Airbnb worked is that neither you NOR the owner can read the other’s review until you’ve both submitted one.
Anonymous
Yes, this is my understanding as well. This way you can’t change your rating if the other person gives you a bad review. So in this case, I’d say just move on and let it go.