Coffee Break: Deco Nappa Leather Inlay Belt

218 Comments

1. In my 20s and 30s when I had a tiny waist and big hips I was always worried that wearing a belt like this would emphasize my hips. Now I wish I could go back in time and have that tiny waist again, and wear the f*&^ out of a belt like this. So, ladies, do it now!!!

   1. I can never quite figure out how to wear belts like this. Because of my small waist and bigger hips, usually there’s a nice amount of material when I wear a belt with a cardigan, because it bunches up. My husband thinks it looks weird if I wear such a belt with just a t-shirt or button down shirt. The only thing I can figure to do with these belts is to wear them with some dresses.
      Any styling tips or ideas?

2. Early thread jack!

   I have a acquaintance/friend who had a question for me, but I have no experience/expertise in the matter.
   She travels a lot internationally for work and rented a car in a foreign country. Since she landed late at night, she failed to record all previous damage to the car. The car company now holds her responsible for the damage and she has no proof that she was not responsible for it. A per her employer policy, all such damage is covered by the company. She immediately let the appropriate person at employer know of the claim and received assurance that it will be taken care of. However her employer neglected to settle the claim and the rental company has come after her, sending her collections notice.

   She has been following up with the employer (now ex employer) but to no avail. She asked me about her options under the circumstances, but I have no idea how to help her.

   Should she send a notice via her attorney (me)? Would it help at all?

   1. This may not hold true outside the US, but every time I have rented a car – regardless of the time of day that I arrived at the airport – an employee from the rental agency (Avis, Hertz, etc.) did a quick review of the car and noted any existing damage on a form before I even drove off the lot. Is there a way to find out of this should have been done but was not in your friend’s case? If the rental agency dropped the ball, your friend shouldn’t be held responsible.

      1. Thanks. It was not done. But it was noted at the time the car was turned in.

   2. I’m not trying to be rude, but if you admit you have no expertise in the matter, should you be handling the case? Presumably she also needs local counsel, wherever this took place.

      1. Um, I think I was just asking if someone has faced or dealt with similar situation and how they handled it. Thanks for the suggestion though.

         1. No really. If you are her lawyer, you shouldn’t be asking for legal advice for your clients on a fashion blog.

         2. You referred to yourself as our friend’s attorney. I don’t think it was rude or snarky for someone to suggest that your friend needs local counsel, especially since another country’s law will likely be controlling.

            Maybe you can share what country is involved. A ‘r e t t e from the country may read this and know.

            1. Yes. I know that I should not be advising her which I am not. And I did not ask for legal advice here. She does not even want to take a legal route. We were only discussing if a notice would spur some action on the part of ex employer and wondering if that even made sense in first place.
               All I was hoping for insight from someone who had experienced something similar.
               Well it looks like no one has. The country is Canada btw.

      2. Goo gl e Vancouver CBC airport rental. There was a big scam going and I believe people were charged.

3. I’d love to hear some real-life stories of how people have saved up for a down payment, particularly in areas where housing costs routinely top $1 million. I can’t figure out how to do it, short of cannibalizing my 401k, and would love some inspiration.

   1. Maybe not what you want to hear but —

      Most of my friends in areas where housing costs routinely top $1mm that have invested in real estate in the late 20s/early 30s age range had help from their parents.

      Aside from that, how about starting small, like buying a condo? I know there has been mixed advice on this site as to whether one even wants to get entangled with a condo association, etc, but it does seem to be the most and sometimes only feasible route to start in real estate in a high COL area, and “trading up” is more feasible when you’ve already got a foot in the water.

      1. Yeah, no help from our parents is forthcoming. That’s why I was looking for inspirational stories (e.g., “I ate peanut butter sandwiches every day for lunch and saved all the money in a down payment fund! Etc.!”) I’m reluctant on condos because I don’t see them appreciating very quickly in our area, and we really desperately need/want to be in a decent school district and house within a few years (we have two kids).

         1. I found nomoreharvarddebt.com inspiring, despite the fact that my life is pretty different from his. He’s single and was spending lots of money at bars, plus he cashed out an IRA and sold extra vehicles. Still, his discipline was admirable. I read the whole blog just a few weeks ago.

            1. Respectfully, I absolutely hate the harvarddebt story for situations like this. He went to HARVARD!! And thus makes crazy good money. The sacrifices in his case yield herculean payoffs, whereas making those kinds of sacrifices in my case would yield — not much.

      2. I sort of disagree on the “buy a condo” advice. Whenever you buy and sell, you end up with a lot of sunk costs (inspection fees, realtor fees, etc) and in a high-COL area, these fees are likely to be substantial. This will cut into your future down payment, unless you’re there long enough to amortize those costs. Plus, condo fees in a high-COL area are also likely to be expensive — in many places, it’s not unusual for them to be as much or more than the mortgage. Plus, when you’re ready to “trade up,” you will probably have to condition your purchase on selling the condo in order to free up those funds for the new down payment. At least in my area at this particular time, that’s an absolute deal-killer. Sellers can easily choose another buyer without the contingency and close the sale within a month. Your area might be different, but you never really know what it’s going to be like when you’re ready to buy something new. All told, unless you find a killer deal on a condo with super low fees and plan to stay there awhile, it might not make financial sense to go that route. As for what to actually do…well…I don’t have any great suggestions. I just know that, almost universally, my friends who have bought small planning to trade up in a couple years have regretted their decision.

         1. This is really helpful. I have the same concern that you identified.

         2. Just for another point of view, my husband and I bought a condo 5 years ago for just over $400k. We sold it 5 years later for over $550k. We used that equity (and the equity built by payig down some of the mortgage) to buy a house that cost just under $1million, being able to put the full 20% down (we didn’t put 20% down when we first bought the condo).

            So it worked for us. Yes, there were sunk costs along the way, but in the end, we didn’t have to come up with any more cash when we bought the house, which helped a lot. The mortgage payment isn’t that much more than when we were in the condo (because interest rates have fallen) and we’re locked in for 5 years.

   2. We are saving just like we would for any other short-term goal. Just setting money aside into an interest bearing account. Our goal is get to 10% of the purchase price for a down payment. Some programs, like the FHA loans, will let you put down 3% or so. There may be ways that you can get a higher return on investment if you have a longer time period to save. I don’t know of any magic way to double the money overnight.

      1. What kind of interest-bearing account, and how much money are you earning?

         1. It’s EverBank, High Yield Money Market, 1.25% for the first 6 months up to 50k. We are looking to buy in the next 6 months though so it was the best option for being able to access our money and make a tiny profit. Basically we are throwing one salary, the money we made on our last house, and any other money that comes our way (like tax refunds, rebates) into this account. You may find better options if you can save for a longer period.

   3. Cannibalized our 401Ks. Not the answer you wanted to hear, but that’s what my first husband and I did. We contributed the max to our 401Ks (~15% because at the time, we didn’t make enough to be capped) and then took loans against them for a downpayment. This was the only way we could make ourselves really save. We didn’t go out a lot and we didn’t travel much beacuse our take-home pay was so much lower than our friends’.

      We had no family money on either side, and we bought in the Bay Area (Berkeley). We bought the house in our late 20s. It was a 1200 sq ft 2br/1ba bungalow. We, and then I, lived there for a total of 10 years. It was cramped and sometimes awful but we made it work.

      The market has of course been up and down, but the housing market over the long run has returned more than our 401Ks have, so it worked out. I am in my second house now (bought with my current husband) and it was all possible because we were able to sell our little first house for so much money.

      1. This is very helpful (I’m also in the Bay Area and thinking of buying in Oakland/Berkeley.) Do/did you use the public schools in Berkeley? That would obviously be a huge factor in buying. We have also been looking at the Peninsula (DH works over there) but good God, I don’t think we can buy a 3-bedroom in a decent neighborhood anywhere for less than $1 million.

         1. The only reason we’re in Berkeley and not the gorgeous Oakland hills is the public school system. It’s not without frustruation, but our kids are happy and well-adjusted and getting a good education.

            1. Here’s my friend Ira’s website. This is my favorite place to see homes on the market in this area (which is kind of an obsession of mine)

               http://www.berkeleyhomes.com/

         2. We just bought in the Uplands/Claremont (Berkeley), with an FHA loan. It gave us the option of buying into an area where we wanted to live without too much money down (about 12%). The downside is that you will have a hefty PMI payment each month. We’re currently saving the down-payment for the difference in what we put down vs the 20% needed not to have a monhtly PMI fee.

            While not ideal, the market in Berkeley (and even parts of Oakland) is getting more and more competitive and we were afraid that if we didn’t move quickly we’d lose out all together, as there are a lot of places where you’re going to be outbid by an all cash offer.

            I’d also look at some of the places that have been on the market for a while longer. There’s not always something inherently wrong with it, sometimes it just “forgotten” as it’s been on the market for a while. I’ve seen a few cases where it was just because it wasn’t marketed very well.

   4. They dont buy $1 mill homes unless they run hedge funds or have rich parents. They buy 600k homes and move later on in life.

      1. Or maybe they don’t. I’m still in my modest starter home and loving life because the payments are low, there are less than 10 years to go on the mortgage, and Mr. Senior Attorney and I are able to take fabulous vacations with the money we’d have spent on mortgage payments for the “move up” house. We’ve even done some upgrades to make it nicer, none of which has cost as much as the transaction costs would have been if we’d sold and bought a fancier house.

         Just a thought.

         1. A great thought.

         2. An excellent thought!I plan on having larger home, but only because I live in a low COL region. If I still lived in the high COL area that I grew up in, my goal would be a charming bungalow with an excellent layout.

      2. my husband and I are neither hedge fund operators, nor do we have rich parents, but recently moved into the $1M+ home with our kids. we are both hard working attorneys. We did buy a less expensive condo first (though managed to lose $100k on it) and in the 4 years it took us to find that perfect house, we had saved enough for the down payment and then some, plus had the 2 kids to make the large house purchase worthwhile.

   5. We are buying further out from the city, spending about $500K. In a few years, we plan to have much more saved up (another $100K or so), so we can sell the original house and have a really solid downpayment on something closer to the city/ in a better school district (where the houses run closer to $1M).

      I really don’t see how people in their late 20s could come up with the downpayment on a $1M house- they MUST have help from their parents. I just get depressed looking at the absolute mansions I could buy in other parts of the country with what we’re thinking of paying…

      1. How do you plan to manage the commute? That’s one of my concerns about buying further out. (Also, I agree about the mansions. I had to go cold turkey on looking at real estate anywhere out of the Bay Area because it was so depressing.)

         1. On the way home recently, NPR said the average US home price was $180k. My brain exploded. Based on our jobs, our home location would be on the peninsula, land of the 3/1 1700 sq ft ancient kitchen and a carport for $1.1m.

            1. Move to Texas, y’all! Seriously. Lots of beautiful homes in suburbs of Houston, Dallas and Austin for about $200k (many less than that). And if you prefer to live in the city, heck, with what you sell your house for in CA, you could probably by a lux condo in downtown.

               Seriously, I do love hearing about real estate in other parts of the country. I know that these real estate hotbeds are super pricy, and it kind of makes my head explode. $1mil???

               I wish the best of luck to harriet the spy, and I hope you will all continue to share these stories. I always need inspiration to save save save.

      2. I understand what you’re saying, but please don’t assume that everyone buying at the $1mm point is getting parental help. My husband and I (late 20s/30) are in contract for a place ~$10k less than that and we saved the 25% down payment ourselves, in addition to paying for our own wedding and now providing material financial support to one set of parents. Our parents paid for both of our undergrad educations, so we don’t have loans, which I understand is a huge advantage. We also consider ourselves extremely lucky to work in a field where we make very good money without grad degrees, but we’ve also worked very hard to save half of our after tax income over the past several years. I totally understand that we are fortunate to be in this position, but it makes me a bit sad to think that most people will assume we didn’t work and save up for the down payment ourselves.

   6. How do you define a “decent” neighborhood? Too many people insist on 10/10/10 schools, prime location, and at least 1500 sq ft. Those might be “decent” characteristics in lower COLA areas but it’s “prime” and $1M+ in the Bay Area.

      I paid off my student loans, and automatically saved that money in index funds (I didn’t plan to buy a house–bought in a pique of temper after another 25% rent increase). Luckily, I invested that money during the 2010-2011 “recovery” so I made a nice profit. I ended up buying a $400k flipped house that needed major non-cosmetic repairs and that I’m “re-flipping”. I’m in a blue collar neighborhood with a “6/7”-rated elementary school and “4”-rated middle and high schools. We had some non-violent crime but we now have a neighborhood watch on my street. I had no help from my parents except for sympathetic ears, and my dad was seriously angry at my realtor when he saw the condition of my house and the price tag.

      If you have two incomes, you are way better off than I was so I know you can do it. In the South Bay, check out the “bad” areas of Cupertino with 9/8/9 schools, South San Jose/Evergreen/Cambrian (I’m in Blossom Valley–no husband so I couldn’t afford even the “budget” areas). I’m sure there are similarly “bad” neighborhoods in the Peninsula (e.g., I have a friend who just bought in Menlo Park near EPA).

      1. We’re not looking for 10/10/10 schools, but we are looking for solid schools, even if the test scores are low. I’d be happy with a school with great community feel, even if the APIs are in the 800s. As for neighborhoods, we are mostly trying to minimize commutes and get a tiny bit of a community feel (parks, walkability, whatever). I just feel like the peninsula is so out of reach.

         1. If you are trying to balance commutes for Berkeley and the Peninsula, what about Redwood Shores or Belmont? On Redfin, it looks like $700k-$800k might be possible there. San Mateo has a few listings in that range too. They aren’t “great” areas like Palo Alto, Menlo Park, or Berkeley but it’s more affordable.

            1. Second these areas in the peninsula. Your home might be smaller (and older) than what you want, but the neighborhoods are good.

         2. As the product of SF public schools, I’m pretty sure our kids will be going to private elementary school. While I had some good teachers, I had a lot of indifferent ones and a handful of truly bad ones. I trust CA public schools about as far as I can throw them. Even in the great school districts, there are serious issues. My friend teaches elementary school in a great district, and still has a very mixed class because she’s got several emotionally and/or developmentally delayed children whose parents refuse to put them in special ed, so she has to spend a lot of time focused on those children instead of teaching the rest of the class and challenging the bright students. A bunch of her students don’t speak English either (parents are high tech workers on visas), but their parents don’t want to put them in ESL classes because they think ESL classes are lesser. Much as I feel terribly guilty about the political statement it makes, we’ll buy in a cheaper neighborhood and do private school instead of spending $1.5 million to buy into a good district.

            1. It can also be beneficial for children to be in a classroom with children with different skills and abilities than them. Patience and acceptance are a couple of the virtues I think children learn in those mixed classrooms. I’m not a huge fan of the 100% tracking system that is common today.

            2. I have no quarrel with private schools–I attended a private high school myself–or with parents making the right decisions for their own families regardless of political correctness. My husband and I also decided where to live based on access to a good school district. I do object to blaming the parents of the children who present so many challenges to teachers such as your friend.

               Maybe the parents of the “emotionally and/or developmentally delayed children” are unable to afford private school tuition or are trying to get the schools to obey the law. Although the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) says that _all_ children are entitled to a free and appropriate public education, some school districts are not sympathetic to or interested in giving their special education students IEPs (Individualized Education Programs) or appropriate placement and services. The same school districts may also not give their teachers adequate training, ongoing professional development, or day-to-day support such as partially self-contained classrooms and additional teachers’ aides.

               Most parents are trying to do their best despite the stresses of being either unemployed or employed but saddled with unrealistic workplace demands. (Never mind the additional stresses of being a cultural minority, a single parent, or someone working a low-status job with an inadequate salary and/or scant scheduling flexibility–or of having to balance workplace demands against ongoing crises at a child’s school.) My fellow and sister parental advocates may occasionally complain to each other, but we always end the conversations by saying “heaven help the children whose families cannot manage to do what we do.”

               I wish you well in finding the best balance of affordable housing and private schools. If you have any leftover time and energy, besides being supportive to your teacher friend, please tell the appropriate local officials (county council members, Board of Education members) that special education services are important. It’s always better to spend money to solve problems rather than let them–and the special ed children–fester until society has a bigger problem, namely stunted and heartbroken young adults, years later.

               Stepping down from my soapbox now. I probably should go start my own blog, but I respect the women on this web site enough that I want to keep participating and sharing my own perspective with the other good minds here.

            3. Thank you Silvercurls …. that was far more diplomatic than I would have been……..

               Special needs mom-a-liscious

            4. Why should you feel guilty expressing this?

               It’s not the fault of the children with special needs or ESL needs, but some failure of the way the process works that their parents aren’t making the right decisions for them. Net net, the end result is it’s a less good educational environment for all. Results matter. Nothing wrong with noting that the results are off kilter.

   7. I am in biglaw and paid off my $150k+ student loans in three years. Immediately thereafter, we started saving with the goal of socking away $200k in two years (which would theoretically allow us to make a down payment on a $1mm house, which is standard where we live, or if we move, buy a whole house with no mortgage debt).

      Our combined income is healthy (mid $200s base plus whatever bonus I get) but not insanely high (compared to what I’ve seen other people post here). We save between $5k and $6k a month (in addition to fully funding my 401k and saving enough to fund our kid’s college education; DH is an independent contractor and we haven’t figured out how he can do retirement savings in a tax-advantaged way so we just aren’t doing anything, which is bad), plus all windfall income (such as my bonus), and we are really cheap. I’ve posted comments on previous threads detailing some of the ways we save money. I don’t think we’ll quite hit the $200k in two years goal, but we will be close. We’ve been putting some of our house fund in CDs and investing some in an index fund, even though we know that we are taking a risk with the latter.

      1. This is similar to what my boyfriend and I are planning to do, but on a much longer time scale. Realistically, the earliest we could save a down payment based on our current situation is about 7 years. I’ve been thinking about putting part of it into a “high” interest savings account and another part into some sort of investment account.

         Trying to save $150-200k for a down payment does seem completely impossible sometimes though. Especially when we could buy a really nice house in my hometown (or many other places in the country) for just a little bit more than that. But we are tied to NYC for the next 25 years.

      2. Glad to hear that this does actually work because my husband and I are about to start doing the exact same thing!

         We figured that our dream house (okay, actually a condo) would be about 800K-1M, and we basically have very little in savings right now. We make combined mid-200K, and are planning to save $5-6000/month for about 2 years. I guess the one difference is that we’ve calculated fully funding our 401Ks into our budget and we don’t plan to have any kids.

         I guess it depends on what the OP makes, but it sounds like you can do this on a 200K-ish household income.

         1. Yeah, our daycare is about $18k per year, so almost as much funding my husband’s 401k, if he was able to have a 401k, so you should be able to fund both 401ks and save at the rate we do.

   8. I just decided to spend my saved house downpayment on a horse instead. Because I’ll never be able to save up enough to buy on my own in an area where I’d want to be in SF. I’ll have to stay in Mrs Madrigal’s rental property forever.

      1. I love your last line so much :)

      2. If I lived on Barbary Lane, I wouldn’t move either!

      3. Anna Madrigal’s place sounds so wonderful I’d never leave!

      4. SO GLAD I’m not the only one that has done this. Our house closed escrow the same month I bought my first show horse. It was not pretty for about 6 months after that.

         This year (5 years later), I bought another one (after retiring my first). Oops, there went the savings. I’m so bad.

         1. But who needs the hassle of owning property anyway. Everybody knows horses are a way better investment. (I’m obviously joking. Horses eat money.)

            1. Tell me about it. Ask me about my prospect I bought in Feb. that has been standing in a field, 3 legged lame, since October! She’s only 5.

               I think I’ll make her show name “Money Pit” when she comes back. IF. I think she will, but you never know.

               As the saying goes…”know how you make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a LARGE one!”

            2. Ha, that is funny. Keep me updated on Money Pit’s show career, and I hope she doesn’t continue to live up to her show name.

   9. I’m not trying to suggest that anyone else’s decisions are wrong, but I’d like to make sure that you know there’s another world out there. Sometimes I think people don’t really know what it would be like to live and work outside of a large city with a high cost of living.

      I’m a 3rd year attorney in a small firm making $60K a year. My husband is a teacher making $35K a year. We live in a rural area of North Carolina, and bought our nice, safe neighborhood, on 1/2 acre, 3BD/1BA house for $74,000, in March of 2008. The public schools are decent, and the very good local private school (with IB program) is $4K per year for elementary/middle, and $7K per year for high school.

      To each their own, and I know a lot of people say they are “bored” by life outside of the city, but I just cannot imagine buying a house for more than ten years of my salary.

      1. I know what you mean and would be fine living elsewhere from a purely desire standpoint even though i love it in NYC. Our decision isn’t totally dependent on the desire to live in a big city, but my boyfriend has a fantastic job and will be able to retire with a full pension at 57 so we are planning to stay until at least that point. The market for my type of law is strongest in NYC or the Bay Area, so its to my benefit to stay as well and the reason we will probably stay another 5 years after he retires so I can continue practicing. I think we will leave after retiring though.

         1. I also stay in the Bay Area for the legal market. I could theoretically move away now but I’m not doing too bad. I have a good job, a good house (that I can rent out later for a nice income thanks to Prop 13), and a good network. I’m just not ready to move away and the weather can’t be beat.

            But once the cats die…I’m thinking tropical island.

      2. Me – 80k small firm. Husband – 55k. House – 4 bed, 4 bath, finished walk out basement, half an acre, 2 car garage $270k. We are 20 minutes from work and 10 mins to major stores/restaurants/night life.

      3. Yeah. I’m a public interest first-year attorney, making $50k, my husband is a professor making $62k. We just bought an adorable 2BD Craftsmans cottage in a small coastal city for $147k, after saving for about 6 months. I don’t see how people in a high COL area do it. I think the answer is (1) they have helpful, rich families or (2) they don’t. OR (3) they’re very house-poor.

         1. Typically, (3)

            But salaries are higher in urban areas. Not dollar for dollar relative to housing price differentials, but higher.

         2. Nah, right now interest rates are really low, and rents are insane, so its possible to buy without being too house-poor. But then again, my husband and I both started working right out of college (no grad school or grad-school loans), and have stayed at the same jobs for close to 10 years, and so were able to save up enough (along with a generous retention bonus from his company) to buy a house pretty young.

            Really, our mortgage right now is less than we would be paying for rent on a comparable place. And significantly less than we would be paying for rent in a much smaller place in the nearby city where we both work.

      4. yes, to each her own. I think its wonderful that you like living where you do, but some of us in big cities adore city life. I simply cannot imagine living in rural anywhere.

      5. Yeah but then I’d have to live in rural North Carolina :) Just kidding, but its just different strokes for different folks. I can’t fathom living somewhere rural even if it means a much bigger better house. I’d much rather spend the money on city entertainment and live here in a small 1 bedroom. For many people its opposite.

   10. Well, first step is to look in less-desirable areas — your second or third choice neighborhood. Then, minimize your fixed costs — move to a crappy rental surrounded by students, bring your lunch, stop shopping for shoes. Lather, rinse, repeat.

   11. We didn’t want to wait until we had a down payment, so we went with an FHA product that only required 3%. That gives you a loan limit of $729 (at the most, depending on your area) but even buying at a really high interest rate (6.8%) and at a high spot in the market (2008), we worked hard to find the best deal and purchased something that was bank owned. Per our most recent appraisal, it has held its value!

       1. Were you nervous about only putting down 3%? Friends have suggested we consider doing that, but I cannot imagine taking on that much debt on top of my student loans.

          1. I think this is part of why there are so many things to consider when buying a home. If you buy something with a lower price, a smaller down payment isn’t quite as big a deal. Similarly, if you’re going to be somewhere a long while (and don’t anticipate needing to sell any time soon), I don’t think it’s as big a deal if you are paying interest awhile longer. I think another thing to consider is upgrades. Some people will say to use liquid money to make essential upgrades right away instead of contributing to the downpayment, the thought being, if you put $Y into improvements that will increase the value of your home by $Y x 1.5, that’s a better use of the money.

             1. It seems like there are endless things to consider!

                Home prices in the neighborhood we would like to buy in seem to start around $750k so the difference between 3% and 20% is pretty big, but the thought of saving 20% and putting a portion of that down and using the rest for renovations is interesting and something I hadn’t thought about.

                I wish we had cable because now I want to watch some HGTV!

       2. We knew we were going to be in the property for a long time – at least 10 years – and likely forever. It is a 750 square foot 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom with a basement laundry. We plan to do major upgrades, ok we plan to tear it down eventually. I was ok with only putting 3% down because I knew we would be in the place for so long. I have about $180k in student loan debt, so I understand the issue with taking on a ton of debt, but my student loans aren’t going to be paid off any time soon. First, most of them are in the 4.5% range, my lowest interest.

          We chose the perfect location with great schools, and found the cheapest house that we knew needed work. It was move in ready, but it needs work as far as expansion. Great for just the 2 of us, but needs to be redone.

          I always pay all of my bills on time, and this is probably bad, but I just have stopped caring about my student loans. I’m not going to defer my enjoyment of life because I have student loans. They’re annoying, I have to pay them every month, and now that I’m moving to a job where I will actually get substantial bonuses (YAY!!) I can use that to pay things down, but that wasn’t the case before. I know, we’re bad. I’m trying to kill the “spend it if you got it” mentality instilled by my grandmother.

          But I still believe real estate is always a good investment long term IF you do your research and buy smart. Like I said, we bought in 2008 and are not underwater.

          As far as the 6.8% goes, we’re working on a refinance plus a “renovation loan” (the product is called a 203k) which will put us down to about 3.3%. It is adding about $100k to our principal balance and lowering our mortgage payment by $200. With that, we’ll be tearing down our detached, 1930s garage and building a 2 car garage with an office + bathroom above. I took the prudent, highly fashionably finance advice from the ‘r e t t es to do this monster project in 2 phases because it was clearly stressing me and our finances out.

          We’d be building already if it wasn’t for a RIDICULOUS appraisal that we just got back. We just had one about 9 months ago, and it came it at a value we thought was a little low, but was fine for what we needed it for. The one last week says both that real estate in my specific neighborhood has increased about 8%, but that OUR value was less than the last appraisal? He also got the neighborhood all wrong and comp-ed us with houses near an airport and some not so great areas. Ugh. Want to know how to do an appraisal appeal? Because I’m an expert now! Worst case we pay cash for the renovation, but that puts us off another year. Lame.

          1. Thanks for that. There really is so much to consider and I’m sure I’ll be nervous either way. We can do all the research in the world, but sometimes we just have to jump.

             I’m jealous of your student loan interest rates by the way! I’m currently budgeting enough each month to have some fun, travel a bit, and splitting the extra between starting a retirement fund, building up my emergency fund (which just reached 6 months!) and paying extra on my loans. Starting to save a down payment is going to be challenging, but I’m ready to get started.

   12. I don’t know what your salary looks like, but DH and I just didn’t put a full downpayent down. Our salaries are more than adequate to cover the costs, and even though we have another few years of MIP insurance, we bought our house at the bottom of the housing market, got a steal, and our rate is under 3%. So we factored the cost of not having the full downpayment on hand at the time of purchase into our overall offer, and sellers accepted. Plus, we were paying rent through the nose as well.

       Even now, we put any extra cash toward student loans, not housing, as DH’s student loan rates are above our mortgage rates!

4. Public service announcement: flossing your teeth is to be done in the bathroom, not at your desk.

   Thank you.

   1. LOL.

   2. GROSS. (Unless you close your door. I change in my office, so I consider my closed door to be pretty sacred, and that’s definitely the practice in my office).

      1. So. Gross.

   3. I used to have an office mate that flossed and clipped nails at her desk. I do not miss that experience.

   4. You need to tell this to the manageing partner! He flosse’s his teeth, buffe’s his bald spot on his head, and scratche’s almost everywhere on his BODY right where EVERYONE can see him! Lynn even told him NOT to do that b/c of the peeople who can see him, but he continue’s to do it. FOOEY!

      I love this belt, but it remind’s me of Grandma Leyeh’s girdel/corset b/c it is so big. Grandma Leyeh is on the slim side so she can getaway with wearing something that look’s like THIS, but since I have NOT inhereted all of the Barshevsky gene’s, I have a little wider midriff and tuchus so I would NOT wear this.

      Grandma Leyeh has started to prod me about getteing married b/c she want’s grandchildreen from ME. It is not enough for her that Rosa has already one child and is about to pop out another—now she wants me to give her another BABY! After I told her I do NOT have a boyfreind, she is going to talk to her freind’s at the club. I hope she does not bring over some schlub. That is all I need after the loosers I have had in the last year! FOOEY!

      Now that I have my tuchus under control, hopefully I will meet a guy, not the type of Internet slobs that just stare at me. I need a guy with a PERSONALITY! If anyone at the hive knows a guy, let me know. YAY!!!!!

   5. Yikes. And I thought the incessant nailclipping taking place deskside in my department was gross.

      Ok, still is. But now I can keep telling myself that at least it isn’t floss.

   6. Public service announcement! Love it!

      PSA to the 50’s lady at the Rockville Fitness First – clipping your fingernails in the gym locker room and just having the ends fly is repulsive and gross.

      1. Totally gross. But definitely more appropriate than in the office.

   7. Eww! but I like reading the threads about nasty coworkers, somehow feels like a sitcom

5. Mom Update TJ:

   She is going to look at one retirement residence today, and it has no waiting list (Baycrest, for Torontonians who may be wondering). She may go look at a second one (Grenadier) if there’s time today, otherwise she will go later this week.

   Man, I don’t know what happened, but it’s like a 180 turnaround. She told me today she still thinks she could be OK on her own, but understands that she cannot take the risk given what happened. And she really doesn’t like all these appointments and people coming in her house and the very obvious presence of monitoring, which would essentially disappear in assisted living because the monitoring would be far less obstrusive. Baycrest at least has 24hr medical staff on site. God, it would be a relief if this works out!! Then it would just be dealing with selling the condo, dealing with insurance to get the floor fixed, and organizing the actual move. None of those things will necessarily be fun or easy, but they will be much more on the *annoying* side than the *omg-I’m-so-anxious-I-can’t-function* side.

   What.a.relief. Now I can try to get back to my life of house-hunting and thinking about kids. Plan is to pull the goalie once we’ve moved into whatever we buy (sometime in the late spring?). It’s funny, because just a few months ago Mr. Bhaer was still feeling quite wary about kids in the near future. Now this happened with my mom, and his little sister is expecting in August, and I guess both his mortality and his biological clock caught up with him. This is also a huge relief, given that I’m going to be 37 in May!

   1. I’m so, so, SO glad to hear things are looking up with your mother :)

      1. Thanks, a. All the support I got here really helped keep me sane when sh*t was hitting the fan.

   2. ERMAGERD. She put herself on the waiting list for a 1br + balcony. THIS IS AMAZING PROGRESS. I guess she really liked it!

      1. Awesome!!!

      2. That’s great news!

      3. Fantastic!! Baycrest is supposed to be pretty top-notch. So glad things are working out for your mom, and for you and Professor Bhaer.

      4. Yay yay yay!

      5. So happy for you!!!

      6. YAY! That’s a big baby step.

      7. Oh that’s great! Not to burst any happy dance bubbles, but does she know how long the waiting list is? Do current residents have priority and do they ever move from non-balcony to balcony units? Might be worth asking if you know there are units she could go into sooner if the waiting list for a unit with a balcony is long.

         1. There is no waiting list for bachelor units, so if she picks Baycrest (which I am pishing), she can get in whenever we manage to get through dealing with all the formalities/figuring out condo sale/etc.. Waiting list for the unit she wants is supposed to be about 6m, so it’s really noy yoo bad, since I’m sure it will take a couple of months to deal with the first part of the equation.

            1. Argh. That was me.

            2. Double argh, so many typos!

               I assume current residents do get priority, but that the time frame they gave her took that into account.

6. Related TJ –

   I am trying to decide if DH and I should lease an apartment or buy a small house or condo in DC.
   I really do not know where to begin to figure out which avenue to pursue. We are both fully employed and could afford a down payment and mortgage payments.
   Are there any resources you all recommend? I feel like I need to go to a class or something.

   1. There are rent vs buy calculators online. How long do you intend on staying in the space?

   2. There are beginner buyer classes, so I would contact a realtor popular in the area (Long and Foster is big here in DC). If you can afford it, I would definitely buy. The rent here is a lot more expensive than a mortgage, like absurdly. My boyfriend and I could have a NICE house for a 2000/month mortgage, but we could barely get a 2 bedroom apartment in a nice-ish area for that much.

   3. If you’re looking in Northern Va, look at the county you want to buy in. VA runs a first time home buyer’s program; you go to a class for half day Saturday and learn all sorts of helpful things. Then you get a certificate which will apparently qualify you for some special program to help reduce the interest on your loan (this is separate from FHA). I found it helpful as I could ask all sorts of questions and they gave a lot of good tips, real life scenarios, etc. I don’t know if DC proper does this as well.

      From everything I’ve read/learned you should get your financial ducks in a row to figure out how much you want to spend and then get qualified for the mortgage.

   4. Lease vs buy: do you know where you want to live in DC, do you plan on life changes in the next say 5 years (kids, job, selling/buying a car, etc.) that would change where you want to live and how much space you need, do you have a solid emergency fund built up for when something inevitably breaks in the house. Houses are pretty heavy anchors if you are planning on picking up and moving elsewhere in a few years. I like Ilyce Glick’s book for first time homebuyers.

   5. If you plan to have kids, do neither. Rent or buy in MD or VA. The public schools in DC are some of the worst in the United States and private schools in the DC area are now over $1okper year for elementary, over $35k per year for highschool.

      1. Yeah, there are viable options for elementary school though (some of my co-workers are extremely happy with theirs), which can buy you an extra five-six years.

   6. I really get sick of ‘the masses’ often saying to always buy. I think it is more complicated than that. Buying is not always better. Some things to think about.

      1) How long are you going to be in the area? If it’s short term, are you comfortable with the possibility of losing money? Do you have enough cash on hand to pay for multiple rounds of closing costs in a short period of time?
      2) Do you want to settle there permanently? If no, is this an area you can see ties to in the long run (ie, you have family there, you will retire there, you can vacation there, good rental market, etc.)?
      3) How far in the future are kids? What sort of lifestyles would you want for them?
      4) How liquid do you need your assets to be? How much cash on hand do you need (ie, would buying wipe your entire savings and you really need/want more cash on hand)? Do you/will you have enough cash on hand for house repairs (what will you do if you need to spend 10k on a roof tomorrow)?
      5) What do you want out of a place to live? Long term potential to be in one place forever? Nice design? Convenient urban location/no need to care about schools? Chance to renovate? No desire for any renovations?
      6) What are taxes? HUGE to consider. In some areas, taxes = almost an entire mortgage payment. In some places, taxes might be 50%+ of your mortgage. HOAs (for condos) may fall into this sort of category as well.
      7) Can you afford mortgage, taxes, HOAs (if applicable), and saving for maintenence on one salary? Or, does buying/affording a house obligate you to have 2 incomes?
      8) What are your other financial goals?

      If the answer to those question points to renting, don’t worry! Don’t feel guilted into buying. It is a not a situation that is right for everybody. For us, we are in a high tax, high COL area that we will likely only be in for 2 more years. We won’t be coming back to this area and see no potential for long-term involvement here. We want to accumulate cash right now (we have enough for a downpayment on a small house) and put as much as we can in retirement. My husband is military, so it’s likely we could buy a house via the VA loan with little to no down payment, so while I have income, it’s important for us to contribute to cash/retirement accounts we wouldn’t be able to fund if suddenly I was out of a job (vs, we’d still be able to get a house if I didn’t have a job). When you consider mortgage + taxes + cost of repairs to homes we could afford here, our ‘expensive’ rent suddenly doesn’t seem so expensive anymore (and probably is cheaper than a house would cost).

      1. Yes, this. I live in MD near DC. I could probably afford to buy, but I rent a large (at least 900 sq ft), well-maintained 1 bdrm apartment. All my utilities are included (heat, electric, water) and I have indoor parking. I pay mid $1400s and have never had my rent go up more than 4-5% in a single year. I don’t have to worry about repairs or shoveling or property taxes or HOAs. I’ve managed to save enough money that I could pretty easily put down 20% if I decide to buy a place. I probably will eventually, but right now I don’t see much of a downside to renting. Sure, it’d be nice to have an extra bedroom for when family visits, but on the other hand, it’s also nice to have family stay at a hotel when they visit!

         Kontraktor really laid out a nice list of things to consider when buying. Especially monthly costs – people seem to get so hung up on the down payment, but I think it’s almost more important to be sure you are comfortable with your costs going forward (mortgage payments, HOA, taxes, utilities, repairs, etc. ).

   7. I agree that you should consider first whether you’re going to stay in the area. If so, buying does make sense. We chose a house over a condo because at the time we could get a much bigger house than condo, were comfortable with maintenance, and did not want to commit to high condo fees that could increase. Condos generally are more difficult to sell as well.

   8. If you are thinking the District proper, I think kids really is the big issue. As mentioned, there are some decent elementary schools but after that unless you live in far Northwest (and if you were considering buying a $1m+ home, I don’t think you’d be asking this question) public schools are pretty much a no go.

      If it’s just buying in general, real estate in the District and close-in MD/VA is a pretty solid bet. I just hated throwing rent money into the toilet every month and flushing. I bought my condo in the District (Shaw) 8 years ago. With aggressive principal payment plus the rise in value (the market has reached full recovery from the crash in 2008) I have a huge amount of equity. Unless you absolutely have to sell during a temporary downswing–and the DC rental market is strong and an option during those times–you are unlikely to lose money, even if you don’t *make* money. (And that doesn’t factor in the mortgage interest tax deduction–a negative balance on the transaction needs to be calculated against all the years of tax benefit.)

      If you can swing it, my vote would be for a house. It’s great not to have to deal with yard work, and my condo building was new when I moved in and (knock on wood) hasn’t had major repair issues so our fees are reasonable. But I think condo fees are still somewhat more expensive than home maintenance would be. Most of it goes to the management company and electricity/HVAC maintenance for common areas, not for the type of repairs and expenses that a home would have. And being on the condo board, OMG kill me now. Our building is small and I have no choice.

      Final thought: interest rates are low low low right now. If you ever want to buy, now is a good time. I have re-fied a couple times and each time keep my payment the same size and throw the extra to principal. It really helps.

      Really final thought: When you own, you can paint your place ALL THE COLORS. Or at least, that’s what I did. The endlessness of white apartment walls was killing my soul.

      1. I owned a condo near DC for years and sold it at a loss, and I am now happily renting a townhouse in a much better neighborhood than I could afford to own. Mostly, I roll my eyes at people who insist it’s better to buy than to rent. Sometimes it is. I can see the appeal for families with kids who want stability. For me, as a single lady on a lowly government salary, my quality of life has been much better as a renter. All the money I spent on maintenance and the whims of my poorly managed condo association, I now spend on fantastic trips, eating out whenever I want, and spending too much money on cute yoga clothes. I don’t know if I’ll ever buy in the DC area again….I may just keep paying my low rent (hint: private landlords are a MUCH better deal than those $2000+ corporately-managed apartment complexes), enjoying life, and saving a bit each month. If/when I do decide I want to buy (or move to a place with a low COL), I’ll have the cash to do it. No hurry.

7. Has anyone used the Skin Effects Resurfacing Effects Skin Renewal microdermabrasion peel?

   I use the Philosophy Microdelivery Peel, and it totally works (my pores virtually disappear for 2-3 days after use and it doesn’t bug my skin at all) but it’s ohmygodpainful on the wallet ($69). So I’m looking for alternatives and saw the Skin Effects brand at my local CVS for $25. It looked similar but I can’t find a ton of reviews online. Would love to hear if anyone has used it successfully!

   1. Curious to hear answers and that you may’ve found something comparable to Philosophy. I, like you, like the Philosophy products but the price – YIKES.

   2. If it makes you ladies feel any better, Philosophy products are SO much more expensive in Canada… I think the hope in a jar moisturizer is almost double the price here. I still stick with it because I like it and it tends to last me a while but my wallet hurts when I need to replenish everything!

8. Bah ha ha ha ha. Have to share here and have to go anon this time. I tend to wear pants and wore a dress today. It is fitted but professional. I was just bent over digging something out of the refrigerator, thinking I was alone in the break room. The dress is long enough that I wasn’t showing anything scandalous but I would have squatted if I knew I had company. Anyway, I look up and catch a glimpse of a male coworker grabbing napkins who had clearly just been checking out my butt. He was in there for the napkins and just stole a glance. The reason this is hysterical and not creepy is he looked absolutely mortified to be caught looking. Neither of us said anything but I think he knew I noticed. He is a really nice non-creepy guy and I think he just kind of unintentionally looked. We are all human. I have quite honestly been rendered speechless once trying to communicate with an insanely hot client. Sometimes biology just takes over and we check someone out. I just feel bad for the poor guy who will probably try to avoid me for the next year.

   1. haha this is hilarious. I understand the feeling because one of the partners here has a really hot client and we all went out for drinks once and I had to keep reminding myself that he was a client and to stay professional. And then left after the first couple drinks because more wine would have definitely made me forget that he was a client…

   2. If it makes you feel better, a few months ago I was wearing a dress that I don’t normally wear and was walking down the hall from the bathroom back to my office. I didn’t know that our (male) file clerk was walking behind me.

      A few minutes later, I’m sitting in my office and my secretary comes in to tell me that the male file clerk wanted to let me know that my dress was tucked in to my underwear, but that he was too embarrassed.

      Thank GOD it was early on a Friday morning and the hallway was otherwise deserted….

      1. I once was involved with a three person intern interview. I was the most junior person interviewing her. She ran to the ladies’ room before the panel interview. One male interviewer was seated at his desk, the second was holding the door, and I was walking behind her.

         She came out of the bathroom with her dress tucked into her nylons and I couldn’t reach her quick enough to tell her. I just walked really closely behind her into the room. Neither of the male attorneys had noticed as far as I could tell.

         At the end of the interview, as one turned back to his computer and the other got up for the door, I said, “intern, stay seated just a second.” She looked at me like I was nuts but complied. When the other attorney made it to the door, I whispered “your skirt is tucked into your nylons.” She was able to fix it quickly and make an exit. I then walked her to the main door assuring her that I was the only one that had noticed. I just couldn’t let her walk out of the whole building and eventually realize it and wonder how long it had been like that and who all had seen it.

         1. You are a good person.

         2. HIVEFIVE

         3. You go!

            All I had to do was lean over to the attorney/legal guardian at a mediation in Family Court when I was a student observer to tell her to zip up her skirt… her hose and underwear were totally showing and NOBODY ELSE bothered to tell her.

            All I know is that if that were me, I’d want to know!

9. I’m thinking about changing lady doctors and would appreciate advice from those who have done so before. I’m late 20s, married, no kids, although we may start TTC in about a year. At my last lady doc appointment, I felt very rushed. My obgyn didn’t really ask questions or listen to me at all – just a quick physical exam and that was it. I’ve been doing a bit of reading and thinking that I might like to go to a nurse practitioner affiliated w/a hospital who is also a certified midwife. Has anyone done this? Pros/cons? Also, how should I explain to my current doctor why I am leaving? Thanks.

   1. I’ve had one annual exam performed by a nurse practitioner and it was the best exam I’ve ever had (to the extent that exam can ever be “the best.” Ugh). She did not rush anything, she did a far more thorough bre*st exam than I’d ever had, and she finally figured out why s*x was painful (something several doctors before her had thrown up their hands about).

      I don’t think you owe your current doc an explanation about why you’re leaving (I’m not a doctor so perhaps someone who is can weigh in on whether she’s bothered when a patient leaves without telling her why). I’ve switched various doctors several times in life (usually because I’ve moved) and have never told them why. Hope this wasn’t bad form.

      1. I’ve left a doctor before to go to a nurse practitioner. They definitely have more time to be thorough and leave you not feeling rushed.

         And I wouldn’t say a thing to your doctor, unless you feel the need to tell them that you are leaving because you were unhappy with your experience.

   2. I did in college (at DUH), and she was the best ever. I liked that she was a midwive too. Also told me that undergrads at my college didn’t have enough s e x… hahahahhaha.

      Agree that no explanation is necessary.

   3. I can’t speak to the TTC/baby stuff, but for regular checkups and routine “girl problems” I’ve had better experiences with nurse practitioners/midwives as well. Plus one for that route.

   4. Agreed. I’ve been seeing nurse-midwives for my annual exam for years and I’ve never felt rushed. They seem to be much better about taking their time and really listening.

10. Curious what the other commenters have to say about this article? I’m pretty little at 5’2, but I’ve always wanted to be taller

    http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/why-its-so-rare-for-a-wife-to-be-taller-than-her-husband/272585/

    1. How tall would you like to be? Are high heels sufficient?

       1. Not really, I’d love to be 5’7 or so, and 5 inch heels are just crazy for me.

          Regardless- I’m more curious whether commenters find the article to be true in their own relationships, among their friends…why they think it tends to be the case?

          1. I’m about 5’7, which my taller friends tell me is about the ideal height for women. I think they say that because that’s near the lower end of the height range for men — I know a number of guys around my height, who are obviously shorter than those girls, but not very many men at all who are actually shorter than I am. I would say most (but not all) women of my acquaintance care. I think it has to do with wanting to feel smaller than the man. I know (or know of) one or two men who are decidedly shorter than I am (around 5’3 or 5’4), and they have quite a lot of trouble with women, from what I understand.

             On the flip side, one of my tall male friends once told me that he prefers to be taller than the woman, I think for essentially the same reason — i.e., he wants to feel bigger than she is. Right or wrong, I think it’s a pretty deeply ingrained social norm.

    2. I have generally found it to be true that I prefer taller men. I think that might be partially evolutionary? I’ve never dated anyone shorter than me (5’6″), but I have dated “shorter” (5’7″ish) men in the past and haven’t had *issues* with it, but I think if I were to design my ideal man, he’d be a bit taller.

       That said, the shorter guys I’ve dated really have had that stereotypical “Napoleon complex” kind of need to prove themselves, which was unattractive. That was one stereotype I found to be (generally) true, though I’m sure there are exceptions.

    3. DH is shorter than me by an inch or so. As much as I hate to admit it, it really bothered me when we were first dating (would wear flats and kitten heels all the time). Now I don’t even think about it. I wear heels all of the time.

       Once dated someone significantly shorter–a good four inches. And as much as I knew it was stupid, I just couldn’t get over it.

       I know that’s shallow.

       But you can’t help what you are and aren’t attracted to sometimes. I probably wouldn’t hit it off with someone who is overly muscular either since I’ve never had a thing for jock types.

    4. According to the article, and because Michelle Obama and I are the same height, I am taller than 50% of American males. This means I’ve dated men who are shorter than me. It didn’t bother me, but it bothered some of them.

       My husband is 1″ taller than me, so generally a bit shorter than me when I wear my typical height shoes. It’s not an issue.

       I’ve always liked being tall and the only time I sort of wish I were shorter is when trying to buy pants or when flying in coach.

       1. I agree 100% with the last line. I love being tall except for when it comes to shopping for dress pants…

          1. Ditto!!

       2. I like being short now, but didn’t like it when I was younger. I only made it to 5′! My husband is 6’1″, so I can wear all the giant heels I want – even though I don’t do that so much now. Every pair of pants I buy has to be hemmed.

    5. True for me. I’m 5’7 and my husband is 6’6. I much prefer taller men.

    6. Interesting. It’s definitely true in my circle of friends that the husband is almost always taller than the wife. Even my female friend who is 6’1″ married a guy who is 6’10” (their children are definitely tall for their age & they have a custom kitchen with cabinets that are 4-6″ taller than the norm).

       I’m 5’6″ and dh is 6’0″ (taller if he stands up straight) and I like that he’s so much taller than me. I don’t think I ever dated someone shorter. I was against it in high school, and got married only a year after graduating, so I didn’t have a chance to outgrow that superficial rule.

    7. I’ve found that I like taller, but not that much taller. I’m 5’10” (and fond of a heel, so i can bump up to 6′ pretty easily), and pretty much used to looking guys in the eye. I’d say 6′ 2″ or 6’3″ would be my ideal height for a guy, but much taller than that and it starts feeling a little odd.

       My standards don’t rule out someone an inch or so shorter, but if that’s the case I’d probably be looking for a stouter build. I have no desire to both tower over and out-weigh my mate.

    8. My DH is shorter than me by an inch or so, but he’s also clearly stronger than I am. So maybe we still feed the stereotype of men being “bigger.” From a superficial standpoint, shorter has never bothered me (I’m 5’11) but I may feel a little bothered if I were the thicker one…

       1. I’m an inch shorter than you (5’10) and my SO is the same height. My roommate in college was 6’0 and was very adament about the guy being taller (and often complained about shorter girls dating significantly taller guys) but made a similar comment that my SO and I were “okay” because he’s slightly more built than me. Recalling that conversation still makes me laugh :)

    9. I’m 5-11 and my husband is 5-9. Most of the men I’ve dated (prior to DH) are/were shorter than me, because, well, most people are (East coast anyway).

       I’ve found that for many men, they won’t date women taller than themselves because it is, basically, an insecurity thing. Men are taller, older, stronger, make more money, etc.

       Funny enough, I am an attorney and when DH and I met, he was unemployed. He has told me that when he tells men at work that information — he married a younger, taller, richer, attorney who owns her own house — men are impressed. It shows that DH is not insecure. Its a swagger thing. He can “handle” me, as it were, so he can handle a lot of things.

    10. It’s totally shallow, but I definitely like taller men. Although I’m 5’2″, so there’s no much chance of me dating someone shorter. But even at 5’2″, I tend to still be attracted to guys that are at least 6″ taller at a minimum. Something about height is just masculine and sexy (in my 100% subjective opinion).

    11. I’m 5’2″ as well, but I don’t realize how short I am until I see myself in pictures. It’s always a total surprise. Apparently I’m walking around thinking I’m average to above average height. SO is 6’1″.

        1. I never realize how short I am either. I guess you just get used to it? Although I recently started working with someone who is like 6’8″, and that one I definitely notice.

    12. Semi-related question – does anyone find that their female friends are all similar heights? I’m short – 5’2″, and so many of my friends are around my height. I don’t consciously pick my friends based on height (that would be weird!) but is there something about feeling more comfortable around someone who is the same size as you?

11. SO are not trying to have babies just yet, but we may have done it. I have not missed my . , but I am having some weird symptoms right now.

    Can anyone comment to really early signs of pregnancy. Like two weeks after possible conception early?

    1. if you google this you will find all sorts of things, but for me, the only signs cropped up about 3-4 weeks in and they were sore b r e a s t s and stuffy, runny nose. I also had some minor back ache/cramps that i thought meant i was getting my . soon. But it seems like everyone is different…have you taken a test?

       1. No test yet, I thought it would be too soon to tell. It has only been two weeks and I don’t think my . is due for another week.

          1. For almost all women, their periods come between 12 and 16 days after ovulation, usually 14. I think you may be misusing the term conception to refer to the time you had s e x, and not when you ovulated. If your p e r i o d isn’t due for another 7 days, then it’s likely you didn’t ovulate until 7 days ago, in which case the s e x you had 14 days ago was unlikely to result in conception (although not impossible).

             1. Also, a First Response Early Response test may tell you if you are pg 5+ days before your p e r i o d is due.

    2. Second the very sore b r e a s t s. Also workouts felt suddenly much harder – short of breath, etc. I would test, honestly – I did before the two week mark and it was clear from the test.

    3. Frequent urination during the implantation period. I remember a couple of days where I went to the restroom every 30-40 minutes and then 10 days later, I missed my period and found I was pregnant

    4. I passed out on my front porch after only a week and a half. Positive test a week later.

    5. Sore b r e a s t s and fatigue.

    6. For me it was fatigue. Suddenly needed to go to bed about an hour earlier every night.

    7. I was in the same situation. We were actively not trying and I got suspicious due to my symptoms: bad cramping ( later found out was implantation) and sore, hard b r e a s t s. I thought I was going to have mega period, but nothing. A couple weeks later, found out I was pregnant.

    8. My symptom wasn’t sore bre@sts but tingling n i p p l e s and a slightly queasy stomach – like when you take meds on an empty stomach.

12. TJ about women and personal finance. I saw this story in Slate yesterday: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013/01/pound_foolish_a_new_book_on_the_dark_side_of_the_personal_finance_industry.html

    I was nodding my head in agreement all the time. I hate that personal finance management is automatically supposed to be frustrating for women and I get annoyed by sites and services that “want to make finance management easier for women.” In my marriage, my DH is financially savvy about things like taxes but I am better at savings management, researching to get the best deals, choosing banks etc. I also agree with the story that these services are successful because they appeal to the “self-help” practice that women are more open to than men.

    What do you all think?

    1. Also nodded along with it. With that said, I’ve never paid a financial manager in my life, nor do I have any plans to in the near future. I feel like I’ve gotten enough education (through blogs, books, and this site) to feel comfortable managing my own finances.

    2. Agreed. I have educated many an ex-boyfriend on personal finance.

       I have been referred to a few financial managers by people (against my will) but their numbers just don’t stack up. A few have had slightly better returns than my index funds but mostly it’s just a random distribution within a percentage point. Why should I pay a commission to an active manager when they likely won’t significantly outperform the index and will just charge me fees for the privilege of doing so?

       The silver lining to that report was that 70% of women don’t trust financial managers anyway.

    3. Interesting. I don’t really notice a difference between the men and women that I know who I’ve had conversations with about it when it comes to the financial services industry. The difference that I do notice is that some women I know have voluntarily given up control of their family’s finances to their husbands and do not have any idea where the money goes, the accounts that they have, etc. I’ve always been in control of my own money and make it a point to learn how to handle it best and could never hand over control. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having one spouse handle it, as long as the other spouse knows the important details, which is the part swing for the women I know. I do wonder if, similar to this morning’s thread, women are more likely to give up the control not because they aren’t the main breadwinner but because they’ve taken to heart the messages that women can’t handle finances.

       1. I have a lot of women friends who are lawyers or work in finance so they are actually the ones who manage the family $$ and make most of the key decisions. But for friends who are on more traditional “female” paths, I definitely notice a less active approach. My best girlfriend is going through a divorce now, having only worked part time outside the home since the wedding, and she is totally unaware of how any of her family finances have been managed. She is getting better about it by necessity, but she didn’t even know if her taxes were filed jointly or not when that whole mess started. One of her chief complaints about the whole process now is that she “hates” dealing with the financial stuff. I tried to sell her on the whole “but it’s empowering” thing but she was not buying it!!

    4. I’ve been following chatter about this book recently. The big thing that I note is that personal finance advice targeted to women does seem to avoid tackling the big, significant issues. In the grand scheme of things, whether I go to Starbucks 5 times a week is waaaaaaaay less significant than whether I max my 401K contribution, but most personal finance articles I see directed to women seem to go for this, “Oh, don’t spend so much on frivolous things, you silly ladies!”

       1. The only financial advice that I think is truly helpful to women tells us to plan as if we alone will be supporting ourselves and our families. Usually gets shouted down around here, but nothing in life is certain.

          1. I completely agree, so I’ll shout you up. The existence of alimony is not a financial plan. To me, it’s the one reason SAH (mom or dad) is so scary to me. If the marriage doesn’t work, alimony probably won’t cover the rest of your life, and then what? You’ve got to dive into a competitive job market and compete against people who don’t have a gap in their experience. The unexpected death of spouse would be even worse, since there’s no guarantee that there’s savings.

          2. I completely agree!

          3. Completely agree! Planning to be entirely financially independent doesn’t mean you don’t believe in your marriage or that you are planning to separate. It’s just smart thinking. Has this brought up on this community before? I don’t recall it so didn’t know this is an unpopular idea

          4. My grandfather had this conversation with my mom when she was a teenager. She’s going on forty-three years of marriage to my father, and she’s worked all but three years of that. As she always told me, a strong marriage isn’t proof against a car accident. You never know when you’ll need to be able to support your family.

             As for me, I was marriage to a man in the financial services industry. When we divorced, I realized that despite the fact that he handled money for a living, he was terrible at personal finance. I’m far better off financially now that I’m in charge of things.

    5. I think it’s true. Even something in your comment caught my eye, Hellskitchen, about your being better at choosing banks, savings management, etc. while your husband handles taxes. I don’t see the word “investments” there, and taxes ARE a huge driver of financial outcomes. Banking is largely a commodity business once you pick a path – credit union versus large national bank versus regional bank. You know? (not to pick on you; it’s just the language that I noticed).

       1. Interesting. I didn’t mention investments because both of us manage our own independently. Our personalities are different in terms of risk-friendliness and I wouldn’t want my husband to make investment decisions about my earnings that are contrary to how I’d handle them. My husband started doing our taxes after he studied tax law – I handled them prior to that. I do see your point… the distribution of financial responsibilities will be different in every relationship but I am bothered by the assumptions of the financial industry that women need to be “talked down to”

    6. I agree with you. I’m a designated accountant with a Bachelor of Commerce degree. Dh pays the bills, but I handle taxes & investing decisions. When we went to set up our kids’ RESP (Registered Education Savings Plan) the financial advisor automatically talked exclusively to dh. So much so, that he eventually pointed to me and said “You need to talk to her – she’s the one that knows about this kind of stuff”.

    7. Women do score a lot of own goals in this area though. Kat put up a good post about a week ago about financial resolutions for the new year. The content was in her usual thoughtful style but I noticed even she succumbed to the use of euphemisms to soften the fact that she’s talking about financial management at all eg. getting a ‘snapshot’ on a excel spreadsheet of her family’s financial position and examining changes vs. the previous year’s ‘snapshot’ (for most people who get as far as using excel, ‘snapshot’ = balance sheet and ‘changes from last year’ = income/ cashflow statement).

       Whereas most men I know, including the most ludicrously financially illiterate, don’t hesitate to leap on the language of the business pages if the subject matter provides even a half an excuse for it.

13. Anyone have thoughts on how Quincy clothes fit? They have a big sale on their collection from last year, but everything is final sale, which makes me a little hesitant to pull the trigger. I have broad shoulders and big hips. Thanks for any tips!

    1. Avoid their skirts–they are meant for the slim of hip.

14. Ok, total crazy lady vent coming. I don’t know why but I have such irrationally negative reactions to everyone I know from law school getting pregn*nt at almost the same time, i just cannot explain it for the life of me. First we went to lord knows how many weddings over like two summers and now everyone is 1 by 1 getting knocked up. I don’t begrudge them babies but it just makes me panic and it feels so horribly “on schedule.” Most ironically, DH & I are thinking about pulling the goalie ourselves but it’s like everytime I see one more sonogram posted on FB, I am set back 3-5 mos. Reading this, I can see how it sounds so totally insane, but I just had to share and vent in hopes someone can say it’s normal. FWIW, I don’t have the same issues with my non-law school friends. Is it just that law school is an evil horrible place that never really leaves you?

    1. I can relate to it a bit – there are some close friends from college and grad school from whom I am very happy to get life updates. Even while I was ttc and feeling a bit discouraged, I didn’t mind hearing about some of my friends’ news about pregnancies and babies. And there are others whose FB profiles I studiously avoid because their updates read to me as “look how awesome my life is” rather than genuine happiness. I admit that this may be entirely my fault and a function of my prior relationships with them.

    2. My husband has the exact same reaction to this kind of stuff — he just hates the idea that our lives are scripted out for us and that we all do the same thing at the same time, lemming-like. For him, it’s less about babies and pregnancies and more about wanting to carve out his own path, free of societal pressure. I think he worries that we’re just falling in to what everybody else does. I think it’s exacerbated with law school friends b/c law school does put you all on the same schedule (same graduation, same bar, same push for partnership, etc.) What I tell him is that we all have babies around the same time not because we’re lemmings, but because having kids is a profound, deeply human desire shared by many many people (of course, not all), and that it’s good to share this kind of stuff with your friends.

       But in short, I understand your frustration :)

    3. I feel this as well although it’s my friends that are getting married while I am still single. No advice. Just empathy/commiseration.

       1. Me too. My friends are having kids and I am not married. I feel behind.

          1. My friends are on kid #2 and kid #1 is starting school. Oops. I comfort myself with scuba diving vacations when school is in session.

       2. Most of my friends are single. My parents tell me I have bad friends.

          The very few friends of mine that are married with children severely regret giving up their careers when married and wistfully talk about how important it is for a woman to have an independent life.

          1. My parents (well, really just my mom) regularly mention that it’s so strange that none of my friends are married. When I remind her that I’m 25 and not that worried at the moment, she responds with, “I just think if you wait too long, you’re condemning yourself to a life of essential loneliness.”

             … Thanks, Mom.

          2. Not this friend, Ru!

             1. My parents also ask why my married friends aren’t helping me get married =D.

                Moral of the story: Ru’s parents talk too much.

       3. YUP. More wine and cookies, might as well!

       4. I was this person out of college. Many of my friends (from HS and College) were getting married while I was taking the LSAT. Then when I was taking the bar, they were having babies. fast forward 10 years and I have a loving husband, a 5 y.o. and a 2 y.o., and many of them are divorced. And as weird as it may seem, I know feel like I did things early (was having babies as an assoicate, not partner), because many of my law friends are getting married and having babies now.

    4. Not that you want to be all schadenfreude on your friends, but let me just tell you that a pretty good percentage of them will all be getting divorced in unison 10-15 years from now.

    5. I feel you on the “why is everybody doing this” and the “what have I done with my life?” b/c I am in a ltr but not married and the first thing family members say when they see me is: when are you gettting marrrrried?????

       I kinda want to tell them–What if i don’t want to? and I don’t have to? Especially to my grandmother who fought with my grandfather until he got alzheimers and couldn’t remember anything anymore.

       But then I remember that I am happy with my life and that I have 15 more potential child bearing years ahead of me and I can theoretically support myself so marriage isn’t something i NEED to do, but will choose to do when the time comes.

       1. IF you have 15 years of child-bearing years ahead of you, then I don’t think you can really relate to the sentiment being expressed here. “I love my life” is well & good, but when you have 2-3 years left on the Baby Clock, it’s a little harder to embrace.

          1. I did not get that sentiment (clock-counting) from OP at all. She did not sound like she did not love her life, just that she didn’t like feeling like she’s following the path of her law school classmates. However, for anyone who is watching the baby clock, I feel for you! I know it is hard to want something so badly and not be able to have it. I wish the best for you and all clock watchers and hope that you are able to embrace the good things in your life regardless of baby/no baby.

    6. My guess is that if you are considering trying in the next year or so, and all of your friends from law school pretty much have recently too, it’s honestly just because you are all at that sweet spot in your careers where you feel comfortable going for it. I am currently pregnant and I think all of my close girlfriends from law school have either had their first child within the past 2 years, are currently pregnant, or are currently trying to become pregnant. We are all senior level associates. Big firms or recently in-house. Likely none of us is partner track. IMO, we all hit it hard for a few years, got married over the range of a few years, and now are all staring down a mix of our biological clock ticking and the knowledge that we are never going to be the biggest rainmaking partners at our firms. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think it’s copy-cat syndrome or a “script” we’re following — and if it is a script, it’s one written by Big Law. Not us.

15. Does anyone have any experience in starting yoga when you are extremely inflexible?

    I have always been incredibly inflexible, even when I was a kid. I have never once been able to touch my toes. Part of it is disproportionateness (long legs, short arms), part of it is the fact that I’m pretty constantly cold (which I think makes my muscles tense and unwilling to stretch) and I’m sure a large part of it is that I don’t really try to stretch because it’s never seemed to yield any results.

    I’d *like* to improve my flexibility though, and I’ve heard yoga is a good way to start. But am I lightyears away from even starting at a beginner level when my flexibility is this poor? Will I be basically laughed out of class because I probably won’t be able to do any of the poses? How does one start on their own – are there any recommended online videos so I could get a sense of it?

    1. You will not be laughed out of class. One of the core precepts is that you honor your body – meaning your limits are your limits, and there is no shame in that, and no reason to push yourself past them. Yoga is a wonderful way to increase flexibility and has innumerable other benefits as well. If you really. do. not. want to go to a class (where I promise people are focused on themselves, not you), I believe there are a number of YouTube yoga videos available that might be a good start. That said, however, I really would strongly encourage you to go to a class so that you have the benefit of having a trained teacher coach you on the positions and the proper way to get into them and hold them, which really maximizes your experience and diminishes the risk of injury.

       1. Agree with all of this. And if/when you do end up getting to a class, there will almost always be a less-intense version of poses, if you feel that they’re pushing your flexibility too far.

          In conclusion, yoga is great. I miss it tons, but can’t find a studio, and in a moment of shortsightedness decided to leave my yoga DVDs in America. So if anyone does actually have recommendations for videos online, I’d love to read ’em! I’ve poked around youtube some, but can’t seem to find anything longer than 10 minutes or so.

       2. I also agree. There’s no way you’ll be laughed out of class, I actually work really hard to only watch myself and look at my own alignment.

          As a common yoga go-er, I’m usually more impressed by the new yogis that are inflexible than those that are flexible, because it’s simply more work for them (and I hope real runners think the same for me as I attempt to run…).

          A good teacher will provide lots of modifications, and usually encourage alignment, which can really help open you up. I never think of yoga as a competitive or judgemental activity, which is possibly why I love it so much. The only goal is to improve yourself, regardless of where you’ve started.

          1. Definitely take a class, and I second the hot studio suggestion. I have a terribly stiff arthritic knee and correspondending stiff hip, due to overcompensating because of the knee pain. I found a wonderful instructor who worked with me to find adaptations to many postures, and she always says “Do what you can, do what feels right.” I started back into yoga with a restorative class, basically just stretching for an hour in a semi-dark room. Trust me, no one pays any attention to the other people in the class! I hope you find it works for you.

    2. I’d strongly recommend taking classes. If you’re new, getting in the right position and having the right alignment are key. After that, you can practice on your own.
       No one will ever laugh at you. If you take a look around a yoga class, everyone is a bit wobbly. Also, it’s not in the spirit of the practice to look at and judge others – you’re supposed to focus on yourself.

    3. A lot of places have beginner’s/easy/inflexible/etc classes that you could start out with so that you feel comfortable in the class. I do also agree with petitesq that even at a more-general class, none of the students will care what you’re up to and a good instructor should help you do modifications for your body’s ability.

    4. i have the same (lack of) flexibility, and the only yoga class that worked for me was the ‘gentle’ class for elderly/injured, etc. i just felt embarrassed in the regular one, even beginner level, and i felt like the instructor had to give me a lot of extra attention to tell me how to modify the poses so i could do them. but just my experience.

    5. My hips are completely closed— which, you’ll learn, is a problem for yoga. But practicing has helped so much. I literally could not sit cross-legged because my hips / IT-band were so tight, but taking it slowly and focusing on the breathing aspect has brought me a long way. And no one ever laughed at me.

       Definitely find a beginner class and really feel out the instructor. I’ve learned that there are TONS of “certified” instructors who are basically weekend warriors or just bored housewives/husbands and who really don’t integrate all the aspects of yoga practice. Or there are those who have something to prove, like the instructor who substituted in my 4th or 5th class EVER and bullied me into doing a headstand because she needed me to see she was strong enough to spot me. Start slow and find an instructor you trust— maybe going with a friend or getting a specific recommendation. But don’t let the inflexibility keep you away!

       1. Wow- what a horrible teacher! Headstand is such an advanced pose that you really shouldn’t do it until you’re strong enough/comfortable and is definitely a pose that teacher’s shouldn’t be bullying students into doing!

          Glad you were able to find a teacher you like and didn’t let her ruin the whole experience for you.

    6. I’m horribly inflexible (think- can’t tough my toes) but yoga definitely helps. A good teacher should work with you!

    7. I also am not very flexible (probably something closer to inflexible) and have started going to yoga a few times a week. It is making a big difference. I can now touch my toes by the end of class—definitely not at the beginning of class.

       People are focused on what they’re doing on their mats. They are not concerned about whether anyone else is more or less flexible or strong. It’s not a competitive exercise at all. So please don’t let that concern keep you from going.

       I’ve found that a good yoga instructor will provide several alternative ways to do a pose: one for beginners, one for intermediates, one for advanced students, etc. So the people who have been practicing for a couple of years get what they need while the beginner students also can execute the poses in a more simple form.

       You sound perfect for a beginner class. Good luck!

    8. If you think one of the problems is that you’re always cold, maybe try hot yoga? I’m fairly certain that you won’t be cold when the room is 95+ degrees.

    9. Consider a heated yoga class. Not necessarily hot yoga (which is a bit too hot for me) but I love heated. And I second what everyone is saying about not worrying about others in the class – everyone is there for what yoga does for THEM, not to look at you. Yoga is a wonderful way to increase flexibility and improve your overall fitness and sanity. Give it a try!

    10. I have never laughed at somebody who was not flexible. I do admit that I have rolled my eyes at the people showing off in class.

        1. So glad it’s not just me. I’m much more likely to notice the person doing a headstand when no one else is that the person who literally fell out of position.

    11. Take a class. If you’re always cold, warm up beforehand by jogging or some other cardio for 10-20 minutes or so. Being warm will help your muscles loosen and start to stretch more.

    12. You sound exactly like me! I have terrible flexibility, almost closed hips, haven’t been able to touch my toes ever. Take a class. It really helped me while I was going to it – I could finally have a straight back when I bent 90 degrees!

    13. I’ll be the dissenting voice and say that no, as a very inflexible person, I did not enjoy yoga at all. (Not due to anyone laughing at me — no one was ever anything other than welcoming.) It just didn’t feel like a workout to me. Didn’t get my heart rate up enough to break a sweat. Didn’t put resistance on any of my muscle groups. It didn’t even increase my flexibility all that much. It was nothing more than an hour of trying to hold uncomfortable awkward positions, and failing. I got literally zero benefit for my time.

        I will add that inflexibility is 1) highly heritable, meaning you’ll never really stretch your way out of it; and 2) not important in the grand scheme of things. Especially when compared to all the other aspects of fitness. As long as you feel good and are healthy, really, who cares if you can’t touch your toes.

        Other people, obviously, have had different experiences. Just wanted to add my viewpoint so you don’t think you’re crazy if you try it and end up not liking it!

        1. Concur about yoga having about zero effect on my flexibility. I’ve been doing it off and on for several years, very on for the past year (4 classes a week), and I still have tight hamstrings and closed hips and all sorts of other body tensions. You know what, though? I still love yoga. I do most poses with modifications (lots of bended knees, touching my shins instead of toes, skipping the binds, etc), but I feel like I’m getting a good workout. I feel stronger, more grounded. I pay a LOT of attention to maintaining a steady breath throughout the class. And more often than not, I doze off during shavasana (which to me is a great sign I’ve worked my body hard for an hour). Go ahead and give it a try.

           You might experiment with different styles. I found Ashtanga or vinyasa (flow) to be the best for me, because I’m moving through poses too quickly for inflexibility discomfort to set in. I take both power yoga and slower flow classes. Iyengar classes (where you hold each pose for a long time) are torture, so I avoid. I don’t care for restorative classes either, because of holding poses for several minutes at a time.

           You might also try BodyFlow. It’s a mix of yoga, pilates, and tai chi. I like it because I HATE pilates (I have zero core strength to go along with zero flexibility, despite how much I practice), and tai chi is a little too tedious for me to survive an entire class. BodyFlow offers just enough of each art with choreographed music to be pleasant. It’s one of those trademarked classes a lot of gyms offer, by Les Mills.

        2. I’m going to try my best not to make this TL;DR, but here’s what I’ve got to add, from a yoga teacher’s perspective:

           anon/OP: please do not worry about being judged, or allow yourself to feel overly self-conscious going in as a beginner. First, most people in class are going to be more wrapped up in their own experience to pay attention to others. Second, there’s a reason we call it “practicing” yoga. It is a practice. If you came to it already having all the benefits yoga can offer, you wouldn’t need to practice. Third, flexibility, like anything can improve with practice.

           DC Kolchitongi: First, I’m sorry you didn’t get anything from your experience. Most of us forget that the physical aspect of yoga (postures) is just one of many parts of a yoga practice. And most of the time, it’s not meant to be a vigorous workout (Astanga, maybe. Bikram, don’t get me started. Bikram is another species of yogi altogether and I am not a fan of his disciples.) Second, I totally agree that flexibility in and of itself doesn’t make sense as a “fitness” goal for most people, and I think too many people criticize themselves unfairly for their perceived lack of flexibility. There’s a big misconception that flexibility somehow prevents injury, but trust me, flexibility just gives you different kinds of injuries.

    14. I don’t have much more to add to the responses in favor of you giving it a shot, but I did want to share something I’ve heard my yoga instructor say many times – you’re always going to be better than someone in the room at some pose, but surely someone in the room will be better than you at another pose. In other words, we’re all awesome at something, and we all suck at something else. Maybe you’ll struggle with the flexibility, but maybe you’ll be awesome at arm balances or something equally impossible for the girl next to you!

        Seriously, go for it! Yoga is one of my favourite things in the world and it is SO GOOD for your body and your mind!

        1. This is very true. Most of the women in my yoga class have traditional super lithe yoga bodies and they can do all the back bends, but there are one or two exercises that I can do that they can’t.

    15. I also have long legs for my height and incredibly tight hamstrings, which means not so much flexibility and still can’t touch the floor – but I’ve been doing yoga for a few years off and on and it definitely helps. I suspect you’ll find other ways in which your body is more flexible than others. Yoga makes me feel better for sure. there is always someone way more flexible/balanced/coordinated than me, and others less so – you know, like life.

    16. I am also incredibly naturally inflexible and have vastly improved my flexibility due to both pilates and yoga classes. I’ve found through trial and error that pilates will more quickly improve flexibility for me than yoga (probably because it is more dynamic stretching as opposed to holding poses statically). In the yoga arena, I’d recommend vinyasa or “flow” yoga, which is also more dynamic than static. And definitely start with the classes. As a beginner, you’ll get MUCH more out of a class than a video. Good luck!!!

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