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How do you break the ice with coworkers and make conversation, particularly while traveling together? Travel with coworkers can be awkward for exactly this reason — and hopefully our tips can help. We've talked about party-appropriate conversation topics, as well as how to steer a conversation away from sports or the like, but not in a while. Here's the question from Reader B:
I read your post on travelling with co-workers, great notes. I am new to corporate travel and have a hard time keeping and making conversation. Some of my travels are one on one and others are with a small group. Do you have any tips, topics, etc., to discuss while on business trips with co-workers, especially when they are one on one?
Hmmmn — what should you talk about with coworkers?
What Should You Talk About with Coworkers?
Readers were recently discussing this recently (I'm maybe remembering this conversation about adjusting to non-BigLaw, non-NYC life) and I agree — talk about anything! The best things (IMHO) are to find shared hobbies, ask about plans for the weekend, or even ask if they're reading/watching anything good these days.
{related: how to steer conversation topics at work}
I am not personally into sports (I even have a shirt that says “Hooray sports, do the thing, win the points!”) but if YOU feel like talking about sports, you can always float the conversation and see if your coworker wants to talk about sports as well. (Either way, check out Sports Ketchup, which bills itself as “The weekly newsletter of what you need to know to win a sports conversation in under 3 minutes per week.)
How to Break the Ice with Coworkers on a Long Flight
There are, of course, a few caveats for plane conversations with coworkers:
Don't start conversations about matters of opinion that are so important to you that, if upon learning that your coworker disagreed with you, it would ruin the plane flight or entire working relationship. These days it may be because you're a #Never___ (Trump or Hillary!), or if you have strong opinions on abortion or immigration — or even pop culture things like Game of Thrones or Walking Dead. (Similarly: if you suspect it might be a hot button issue for the other person, avoid discussing it.)
Try to listen more than you talk if you don't know much about the subject your coworker brings up (for example, raising children, taking care of an elderly parent, etc)
Avoid topics that could get you in hot water if you were a boss — for example, don't ask your newly engaged female coworker when she's going to start trying to conceive.
I still think of that old SNL skit with Andy Samburg immitating Mark Wahlburg — “so you're a donkey, what's that all about?”
We've actually rounded up some great icebreakers for work…
Ladies, what are your thoughts? Are there topics that are strictly off limits — particularly while traveling with coworkers? How do you break the ice with coworkers when you're stuck on a long flight with those whom you don't know well?
These are some of the Corporette readers' favorite items for business travel…
2020 updated images (crowded airplane cabin) via Pixabay. Original picture via Pixabay.
Cat
– Try to sit separately on the plane, unless you need to be actively collaborating while in transit
– If the first tip doesn’t work, don’t assume that just because you’re seated together, that you have to chit chat the whole time. If you don’t have to work on the plane, bring activities/books that you wouldn’t mind your colleague seeing (crosswords, recent bestseller, whatever) as opposed to, like, a word search and Twilight.
– If you’re traveling for meetings, there will be natural de-briefing over dinner etc. Always fun to compare notes on the day, people’s reactions, funny things you noticed, etc.
anonymous
These are good tips. I follow sports and love to read the news, but people mostly like to talk about themselves, so those are backups. Asking people how they spent their weekends/what they have planned for the weekend is generally safe. Then asking later, hey, how was X that you did over the weekend? Depending on the work environment, asking if they have any vacations planned (know your office, my old one was not cool with vacations, current one is) or asking if they are traveling for Thanksgiving/upcoming nonreligious holiday.
I would also agree that if you are traveling to treat your carryon items as though your colleague or boss might see them. I enjoy painting and drawing but on a job interview once the (jerk) boss told me that when he asked another interviewee what she did for a hobby that she said she was recently divorced and had gotten into coloring. He thought this was hilaaaaaaarious. I felt so bad for this woman and understood (art soothes me, too!) but it made it so clear that some things don’t get shared with colleagues.
.
Good point on carryon…. I recently had to pull out a file from my carryon in front of a [thank god, female] client and had forgotten that a bra was at the top of the bag when i opened it. Whoops.
Anonymous
Changing your seat when you get to the airport can help ensure you sit separately. Great work travel tip from my wise boyfriend.
Anonymous Poser
YES these are good tips. One of my favorite traveling companions from work stated up front that we didn’t have to talk on the flight. And we didn’t talk. And it was great. The End.
Anonymous
I always seem to be making silly mistakes like putting the wrong date or wrong numbers. How do you develop attention to detail?
Sometimes when you look at the computer screen so much, zeros end up looking light eights. It becomes so easy to make mistakes. I work in finance.
Anon
I’m curious about other responses to this. I handle most outward facing communications for my leanly staffed organization and am often the only person to see material before distribution. I struggle with catching mistakes after the brain fatigue brought on by considerable time creating and editing documents in the first place. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough eyeballs or time to go around in my organization to proof anything before I have to distribute.
nutella
Zoom function, reading glasses, printing things on paper, look away from your screen for 10 seconds… but those are for vision fatigue. It sounds like putting the wrong date is a different problem and something you should really fix asap and worrying if you work in finance.
Anonymous
How old is your monitor? Monitors degrade over time, decreasing their resolution and brightness. Have someone else look at your monitor to see if the monitor is “not right”. I had a coworker who was so used to his monitor and was just starting to have problems reading his screen. I saw his screen and…could hardly read anything. He had adapted so well to the screen that he could read a barely readable screen.
Have your eyes checked. Ask your eye doctor about computer glasses.
afsd
Not an eye-related issue, but maybe make a physical list that you have to check out of things to check before you send it out? It’s easier to make that list at a separate time and then it takes much less effort to just look at that at the very end.
Marshmallow
A few tips that have helped me with proofreading:
— Don’t try to immediately proofread/ check your math on the same project you just drafted. Take a brain break for at least 20 minutes by working on something else, taking a walk, etc.
— Print. It. Out. I can read something a thousand times on my monitor and think it’s fine, and then find a typo the moment I look at it on paper.
— Work from the bottom up, the end backward, or jump around (systematically) in the document. You want to avoid getting into a groove of comfortable reading and missing the details.
— If you truly struggle with attention to detail, reading out loud can help (or mouth the words/numbers if you have nearby coworkers).
In general: force yourself to slow down. When you get to the end, go back and do it again. Attention to detail mostly just means being willing to put in the time and mental energy. No shortcuts.
nutella
Unfortunately, when you click on “This Week’s Ketchup” it brings you to December 2015, so I think this died.
Kristin
Bummer! I was so excited to sign up for the weekly newsletter …
Blonde Lawyer
I love that SNL skit. “Say hi to your mother for me.”
Ugh
I had a five-hour nonstop flight with an aisle seat next to a new co-worker. Similar age and stage, similarly-aged children, same industry. I thought: I’ll finally get to know her. Usually people just talk about commonalities with a work focus. If not, people usually love to talk about their kids. This woman gave a few curt one-word answers before we were even in the air. And was just stonefaced the whole rest of the way. It was painful.
Around the office, if you’d walk by and said hi, you got silence. Maybe silence and side-eye.
If I were a client though, the fawning and arm-touching she does is so effusive that it borders on gross.
Ugh
We weren’t next to each other — we both had aisles. And the booking was random.
Ellen
This is like me and the manageing partner. We alway’s sit together, but realy have very little to say to each other b/c we talk all the time at work. So I just put my iphone headset on and listen to music while he look’s around the plane. That is fine by me. YAY!!!
Blonde Lawyer
If it was just during the flight, I’d say forgive it as possible anxiety. I’m an awful flier and I can’t carry on a conversation in the midst of a panic attack. If the same behavior is apparent in the office, no excuse.
Anonymous
During the flight, I think the commonly accepted practice is to ignore each other.
Anonymous
IDK — If I were new somewhere, I’d be making at effort to be a good sport about blending in with the existing people. Enough at least to make some banal small talk on a work trip (!!!), where presumably you’ll have to be faking that you’re on the same team once you are in front of your audience.
Wildkitten
How many years are you supposed to be in a job when you apply for a mortgage? Three?
Anonymous
I don’t think there’s a magic number, but given the state of your life lately, are you sure buying a home is a great idea? Maybe wait until the dust settles a bit more…
nutella
This came across as a little judgey, whether that was the intention or not. WK, there is no magic number or steadfast rule; it is based on your lender’s assessment of ability to pay and what rate you get, based on savings, debt, income, etc. rather than time in a job. So if in a year you have healthier savings, higher income, and lower debt, then you may want to wait. Given that you are moving to a new city for a new job, you may also want to wait to see what areas of the city you want to live in and how your commute to your job (or a new job if you hate this one) would look like.
AZCPA
Less judgement might benefit you, Anon. She didn’t even specify that she was buying a home, just was asking a question. And even assuming she was thinking about it, asking about three years sounds like part of a long term plan, which is a great thing.
It can depend lender to lender, but most want at least 2-3. However, if you are in a specific field/role and get a new job that is extremely similar, then a few months is often sufficient.
Wildkitten
Thanks, AZCPA. Yup. Long term planning. I’m working on making some new goals to aim for, since my life is currently so dusty from the crumbling of my previous plans…
Anonymous
I bought a house 4 months into my job. They just had to get statements from my employers over the last 3 years. It was no big deal. They are really just looking for a history of earning enough to pay your bills.
jwalk
I had only been in my job for a year and a half, but I provided W-2s going far enough back that they knew I had a steady income.
ace
Agree that there’s no set number. you may have more hoops to jump through if you have moved around recently. Husband had moved jobs a year before our last purchase and had some related 401k changes, and wasn’t an issue.
Politically Correct?
Hi – Any thoughts are appreciated. My husband works in a tech department that is predominantly Indian and they all enjoy each other’s company very much. They’re basically work friends and would maybe even hang out together outside of work if they all didn’t live so far apart. Anyway, a couple of my husband’s co-workers who are Indian invited him to a celebration for an Indian holiday that is happening at work but not sponsored by the company. And they asked him if he would dress up in their traditional clothes as part of the celebration. I told him he had to say no because he could get in trouble. Not everyone at the celebration would know that his friends wanted him to dress up and someone might be offended that he is engaging in racist cultural appropriation. Am I being paranoid?
Anon
Yes. I’m indian and have no problem with non-indian people wearing indian clothing, especially at cultural events (FYI – there are very few “Indian holidays… it’s probably a religious holiday – India is a hugely diverse country, linguistically, religiously, culturally).
What I do have problems with is people appropriating cultural imagery i.e. a bindi (the thing that goes on your head) in a different context (so basically Madonna)…
anonymous
Yes, you are being paranoid. It is not cultural appropriation when the culture asks you to dress up and means it to welcome and include him. They meant to welcome him and include him in part of something; he should take their cues and dress up. Of course, he should ask for guidance and not guess because he very well could offend someone that way.
Anonymous K
I think it’s fine if your husband wants to wear the traditional clothing, his coworkers encourage it. I think there’s a big difference between “I’m going to be Indian for Halloween!!!” and “I’m wearing clothing that my Indian coworkers suggested I wear for an Indian event.”
afsd
I’m sure everyone would love it if he wore Indian clothes to a Diwali party! My friends came home on Diwali from college (not Indian, not Hindu) and wore Indian clothes with everyone else and everyone loved it.
Anonymous
It’s fine to wear Indian clothes to an Indian holiday party, but really not awesome to call it “dressing up”.
Politically Correct?
My understanding is that is how his co-workers phrased it – i.e., you should dress up.
afsd
It is “dressing up” – you “dress up” to go to Christmas parties or New Years parties, this is not that different. I assume his coworkers don’t wear fancy Indian clothes on a daily basis and wear less formal things.
Anonymous
“Dress up” can have two meanings: 1) wear fancy clothes and 2) wear a costume. I read it as the latter — if the former was meant then it’s obviously fine.
Anonymous
My husband’s Indian co-workers gave him and our daughter Indian outfits as gifts and got a huge kick out of seeing them wear the outfits on an appropriate occasion. If your husband is being asked to wear Indian clothing, he should go for it. He might want to ask for advice on exactly what to wear, or help shopping.
Anonymous
Seconding TV shows, books, and movies. Sports are also good.
Even though I’m childfree, I ask about kids and grandkids. I like asking about where the kids are in their development. Are the babies crawling? walking? feeding themselves? Are teens in sports? Thinking about careers or colleges? What are they teaching elementary aged kids these days?
I like talking about day hikes in the area, vacations (planned, taken, or dreaming), pets, and hobbies (or former hobbies if you’re in BigLaw). I also like talking about home improvement projects with coworkers who own their own place.
I really dislike talking to co-workers who decide to only ask questions and don’t engage in conversation by sharing anything about themselves. They are so boring! If you find yourself doing this: pick three superficial things about yourself that you are willing to share: favorite team, alma mater, an actor that you like, your home state, favorite animal, hobby, cooking/meal planning/diet, exercise routine, your favorite Supreme Court justice, etc. I don’t care! Just please, pick something about yourself that we can chat about.
For really awkward times, I have a good lawyer joke. I have an innocent joke with a punchline based on a pun, and a fairly innocent dirty joke based on a true story from my childhood that I only share if it’s the right crowd.
Anonymous
Are you maybe not asking them questions about themselves, if there is no mutual sharing going on?
Anonymous
When they ask me a question, I answer and turn the same question back at them: “I went to school at X, [an elevator-pitch length anecdote/description]. How about you? Where did you go to school?” . Then I get a vague answer and another question about myself: “Yeah, I have a bachelors. Do you have any pets?”. That response signals to me that she doesn’t want to be questioned about her alma mater. So I respect that.
There was some advice floating around years ago that the “most interesting” person in the room is the person who only asks questions. I think that the people who only ask questions have taken this advice a little too much to heart.
afsd
I think where they went to college can start a good conversation. You go into what they studied, a little about their life, where they came from or different places they’ve lived, hobbies or interests etc
Anonymous
What about the research that suggests reminding people that you are a mother is detrimental to your professional success? Do you avoid any topic that might lead back to family/children?
Anonymous
In my firm, all of the attorneys who have kids are men and all of the staff are women. So asking about kids is not an issue.
Outside of my firm, if a woman brings up her kids, or if I know her well enough, I pursue a conversation about her kids.
If I don’t know her well (e.g., have seen each other at 2 or 3 events but no deep conversation), and I know she has kids, I don’t bring up her kids until she does.
If we’ve just met or if I don’t know whether she has kids, I don’t ask.
For any woman, if we are talking about something like a vacation where kids may or may not be involved, I don’t ask about the kids. I let the other person steer the narrative and ask about the flight or the food or any site-seeing she did. Yes, even for obvious family trips like Disneyland.
CorporateInCarhartt
“don’t ask your newly engaged female coworker when she’s going to start trying to conceive” should be amended to read “don’t ask your female coworker when she’s going to start trying to conceive, period.” Several years married, I still get asked when I’m going to have kids. It never stops being awkward.
Anonymous
Suggested further amendment: don’t ask coworkers when “you and your boyfriend are finally going to get married”.
jwalk
YES. This drives me bonkers!
CorporateInCarhartt
Unfortunately, it never ends. Once you start dating, it’s “when are you going to get engaged?” Once you get engaged, it’s “when are you going to get married?” Once you get married, it’s “when are you going to have kids?”
Sydney Bristow
+ a gazillion. Never ask anything like this question!