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Call me crazy, but I think flats are going to be BIG next year. So you may as well invest in some classic “investment ballet flats” like these scalloped ones from Chloé, many of which (huzzah!) are included in the just-started Designer Clearance sale at Nordstrom.
My favorite is the “python embossed” beigey one (all sizes left, 5-11.5, with a note from Nordstrom that they run small and you should order a size up) — but the rust colored suede ones are also nice, as are some of the studded options (not pictured).
Some of the other major “investment ballet flats” that I would consider Hall of Famers include AGL, Ferragamo, Chanel and Valentino — I put together a quick little graphic if you're curious. (I actually didn't know Chanel is now available online!) What else would you guys consider in this list of investment ballet flats?
The Best Investment Flats
{related: what to look for in interview flats}
Some of the most comfortable flats we've written about in the past include these Hall of Famers (#2, #4, #5, and #6 are all under $150).
Some of our favorite comfortable flats for work as of 2024 include M.M.LaFleur, AGL, and French Sole. On the more affordable side, check out Rothy's, Sam Edelman, and Rockport. We've also rounded up the best loafers for work, and our favorite sneakers for work outfits!
{related: how to look professional in flats—all the time}
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Does anyone have any recommendations for a puffer vest (North Face or the like)? Looking for something I can wear while doing my long walks outside on more mild winter days. I’m usually too hot with full winter coat but not warm enough with just a long sleeve tee and sweatshirt. TIA!
Sloan Sabbith
Uniqlo! I have 3 of their puffy vests and love them.
Senior Attorney
+1 they are great. And I layer them over and under my Uniqlo puffy jacket when it’s colder.
Sloan Sabbith
Yep, I layer them under my Patagonia when it’s colder. Thin Patagonia puffy jacket, uniqlo vest is the perfect amount of layers when it’s chilly but not freezing.
Anonymous
Smartwool!
Anon
Counterpoint: I wear vests around the house regularly while WFH, but I don’t like them for hiking or walking because I cannot tie around my waist if I want to lose a layer. I agree on recommendations for Uniqlo and Smartwool and would add a Patagonia fleece vest. I just use them differently than OP intends.
Anon
32 degrees. Sold at Costco but I bought online. I wear mine around the house, which saves us about two degrees on the thermostat and has prevented some degree of marital conflict with my husband, who is a strict 67 degree thermostat guy.
Anon
This is mine. It’s $14.99 today
https://www.32degrees.com/products/womens-ultra-light-packable-poly-vest
Curious
+1 I love mine!
Anon
Same. I’m also amused reading my post at how many times I used the word “degree” – even incorporating two meanings of the word. I need an editor.
Go for it
Thank you~ just ordered !
Anon
So what specialized gear do I need to walk to my mailbox each day? It’s about 20 feet away, outside, and I’m just not sure what to wear. Does your recommendation change if it’s drizzling? Any tips?
Anonymous
We need more details. Do you live in a cold climate or a warm one? Have you ever walked to the mailbox before? Do you currently own any non-mailbox-walking clothes? Have you recently joined a mailbox-walk group? Can you borrow your husband’s mailbox-walking gear to try it out? Apple or Android?
Monday
+1. Maybe Kat should launch CorporetteBipeds to help us get our heads around this niche gear.
Anonymous
Warning don’t feed the T-Rex. And grow up to all the people who can’t handle outdoor clothing questions. If anything, we need more frivolity on a fashion blog in these horrible times.
Skipper
My absolute advice is to outsource this! Your time is valuable! Specifically you should think of hiring one former college lacrosse player to carry you piggy back while another shields you with a blanket from the harmful effects of nature, so you’ll never have to contemplate appropriate mailbox attire again.
Horse Crazy
This comment wins.
Anon
But even if she doesn’t get wet, it will still be cold, no? I think she needs to install a heated canopy over the walkway.
Or she needs a 3-in-1 coat and a hat (cute pom-pom and flaps for the ears). Clearly NO on the ponytail or the hat may not fit right.
Kat G
ok I LOLed at the lacrosse player one
anon
This will be an unpopular opinion but I’m going to say it. Walking to your mailbox each day is just never going to look professional.
MagicUnicorn
Especially if you carry a water bottle with you.
Anon
Just don’t wear your hair in a ponytail.
Anon
Is it ok to wear the hair elastic on one’s wrist? Asking for a friend.
LittleBigLaw
Only with a painted nail.
BeenThatGuy
Hello?? You forgot to mention it must be a neutral/nude-for-you shade of polish.
anonshmanon
This will probably out me, but I have a mail slot in my front door, Harry Potter style. Haven’t left my home in years. Mail boxes read super dated to me!
Anonymous
Haha your first sentence, lmfao
Anon
They are so dated. 2003 called and wants your mailbox back.
Anonymous
FLEECE TIGHTS! And a professional-looking water bottle in case you get thirsty.
Vicky Austin
A button down shirt, of course.
Senior Attorney
I think this is our troll. And now they are using the name of a regular poster.
Cat, you really need to crack down on this!!!!!!!!
Curious
Lol.
Curious
You can tell from the writing style and correct spelling, right?
Horse Crazy
GREAT detective work, SA!!
I really appreciate the Friday afternoon laughs this thread is giving me.
Anonymous
Rothys are waterproof, but beware, size up in the pointed ones. They don’t stretch.
Anonymous
Do they have arch support for the grueling walk tho
Anon
YAY!! This thread wins the Friday before the holidays!! :D
Friday
I can’t believe you walk to your mail box to pick up packages from that web site run by the bald guy, which is named after a very large body of trees that has high humidity year round and it rhymes with spamathon. I can’t type it here or I’ll be blocked.
Ellen
This is ridiculus. If you have a house and you know how cold it is, you can dress accordingly. If it is raining out, bring an umbrella. If you are still confused, but have a boyfreind, let him get the mail. After all, he has to be good for at least 1 thing.
Sloan Sabbith
This is the best Ellen comment ever.
Anon
This is the best Ellen comment ever.
Horse Crazy
Can we start using this line for anyone who asks these types of questions? “If you have a house and you know how cold it is, you can dress accordingly.” I love it.
Anonymous
Don’t forget “ridiculus”
Dear+Summer
*chef’s kiss*
LaurenB
I cannot believe you would be so cavalier as to walk outside your own home during a pandemic. Have your mail delivered directly to your home. Have a hole cut in your front door if need be. People are dying and all you can think about are your catalogs. Sheesh.
Anon
I love you all for this thread on a Friday.
Anonymous
+1 it’s perfect, except for the people who are not participating in the joke.
anonshmanon
+1000!
Vicky Austin
Same, this is a wonderful bright spot and a great laugh.
The original Scarlett
Lololol, I collapsed this initially and didn’t realize I was missing gold until now!
Anon
Ha, I almost didn’t post this lest you all think I’m an a**hole, but now I’m glad I did.
Ses
Nope, thank you for this gift
Anon
THANK YOU. I needed this!
anon
Checking the mail? JSFAMO.
Ses
Late to the thread so may post again tomorrow but.. Gently, have you considered just wearing what a man would wear?
Anonymous
Just wear whatever a mediocre white male would wear!
Anonymous
I recommend therapy.
Curious
You win.
Anon
Mic drop.
Mm
The pomodoro method works for me.
Walnut
Definitely don’t carry your Birkin bag.
Anonymous
Nor wear a big engagement ring.
Anonymous
Only if it’s Moissanite
Anon w/Outerwear Questions
Is it ok if I wear my Canada Goose to the mailbox? All of my working class neighbors have lost their jobs and I don’t want them to think IATA, you know?
Also, should I double mask, even though it is outside?
Elderlyunicorn
I literally lol’d.
Non-gift gift ideas?
What are your go-to gifts when you’ve agreed not to spend money on them? My partner doesn’t enjoy receiving purchased gifts and it actually stresses them out, so I’m trying to think of alternatives. Offers to do things like promising to take care of their chores around the house for a week sound really nice in theory I’m just not sure I can actually hold up my end of the bargain on those since I’ve been struggling with time management and depression lately, and going back on a present like that would be seriously crummy. But anything I could do to reduce the amount of things they have to take worry about doing would take a load off of their shoulders, so I am leaning in that direction.
I could make them something from things I have on hand, and the only thing I can think to make is a really nice handwritten card (they save every card they get from their extended family, so I know it’s the kind of thing that will mean a lot to them) but I feel like I need to do more than that. Thoughts?
Anonymous
How about an experience gift? Plan a fun activity like game night, watching the Great Conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter, or a drive to see Christmas lights.
I have been on both ends of the “I’ll do your chores” gift, and from both perspectives I say avoid it.
Skipper
That handmade card seems exactly like the right thing to do. I would never want my partner to interpret “please no gifts” as “please make the life you’re already struggling in harder and less pleasant for yourself.” If you really, really feel like you have to do something, maybe try a compliment jar. Write things you love about them on slips of paper, drop the paper into a jar, and tie a nice ribbon on it. But, truly, the card seems great.
Carrots
In the vein of the card, could you do write a letter describing something or just generally talking about how much they mean to you and anything that has stood out about your relationship this year? If they enjoy cards, but you worry it may not seem like “enough,” a letter like this could be a good balance.
Senior Attorney
Or similarly, maybe a fun Top Ten Things I Liked About You This Year or similar?
Anon
Baked goods. So the handwritten card and their favorite meal/treat? DH gets a scratch made carrot cake every year on his bday (all those carrots…).
Anonymous
Bake a box of their favorite treats. I have a few recipes that are a bit more work but DH loves so I try to do those for special occasions. And I have a couple childhood cookie recipes from his mom (she lives overseas) that I make as well.
Anon
I once wrote “I love you” in 100s of different languages and hid them all over the house for someone to find. It was a huge hit and she still has them all in a bag (from over a decade ago!)
Horse Crazy
That’s beautiful! Such a nice idea.
Anonymous
Bake something they really enjoy?
Or plan a special day where you incorporate something you bake–go star gaze at a nearby park and make smore trail mix and cocoa to bring along, special breakfast followed by a park walk or park first and homemade pie after, theme night–Italian food and a movie set in Italy or something?
SSJD
My husband does not like gifts and truly would prefer to never exchange them. (I cannot relate, I love gifts!) For a recent anniversary I made a list of the 20 best travel memories from past trips together. It was really fun to hear him read the list, to discuss some of the items, to find out which he didn’t remember at all, and then to hear what he would have added. Another list I made once was things I love about him. Over Thanksgiving our family focused on gratitude, and I wrote him a thank you note acknowledging some of the wonderful things he does (some items were simple, like emptying the dishwasher every morning, and some more substantial). He seems to enjoy these lists/notes (and sometimes the ensuring conversations) much more than a physical gift.
Anon
I am envious if your husband emptying the dishwasher every morning is simple. Kidding … or maybe not.
Lots to Learn
Ok, this is a little work but so worth it. Get a deck of cards. Print up a label for the outside of the box that says “52 Reasons I Love You.” Then, you print up 52 different reasons, cut them out, and modge podge them to the face side of each card. We did a set of these cards for our kids to give each grandparent one year and they’re among their most treasured possessions. When my father died, my mom had his deck on display at the reception (which I didn’t love, as some were kind of personal, but it meant a lot to her).
Anon
Similar – was going to suggest getting a vase or box (easy to order online or go to Michaels or somewhere similar) and write a bunch of nice notes or memories on different paper and toss them in for partner to pluck out and read at their leisure.
Lots to Learn
Meant to add: You can punch a hole in the corner of each card and put them on a ring rather than in the box. Easier to flip through.
Anonymous
As a fellow gift hater (like please why must people insist on buying me consumerist cr*p I don’t want?!?) The best ‘gift’ I ever received was a fully planned home date. DH cleaned the house, ordered food (without any help!), bought my favourite bottle of wine, picked up dessert, AND figured out what streaming service had my favourite movie so we could watch it. It was so considerate because he did all the legwork, I just got home and everything was done like magic, an experience I never get to have in my day to day life.
anne-on
I have been having a hellish week at work and my husband delivered me coffee this AM at 7am on my call AND brought me dinner while I was on mute on this evening’s call. It truly almost brought me to tears.
anon
My partner goes for handwritten poems and also loves a special home-cooked meal. (For christmas, it’ll be osso buco).
Anon
Does getting a gift stress them out b/c they then feel stress about equally reciprocating? Because then I wouldn’t do any of this personally. It will have the same effect as a “thing”.
Anon
Get a gift for both of you, like a case of wine from a winery you might have visited if we weren’t experiencing a global pandemic or a fancy dessert or something else special.
Lilau
I’d make a batch of your partner’s favorite freezer friendly meal or treat if you have the energy and are up for it.
Anonymous
I can’t believe you have 20 replies and none about the love languages.
Make the card. You know your partner cherishes cards, and they love the ones they have gotten from other people.
To them, what feels like “to little” for you, is the bit that they want. They want the time, the thought, and to be your priority. You cannot BUY anything that will give them that feeling.
Tell them that you love them, thank them for the time and energy and love they spend on you. Tell them that you see them, see what they do for you and that you will do your best to help them to the best of you ability.
Don’t think that a “present” is the perfect way to show them you care. You know they don’t care about presents. You know they care about you.
Senior Attorney
Even though we are locked down, I think I am still going to try to do a Zoom Cookie Day with my son in the next week or so. We are thinking of trying macarons this year. I have the almond flour in hand — does anybody have a recipe with which you’ve had success? Any hints and tips?
pink
i LOVE to bake, and my tip is: fork over the money for someone else’s kitchen to get sticky and gooey. :)
But hope you do it and enjoy!
pink
but in all seriousness, Senior Attorney–I need your advice. I’ve signed a lease for a new place, but need to tell my unsuspecting husband I am moving out. eek. I’m channeling your advice over the years to do this, but man, is it hard. He’s a sweet guy, we just want different things from life and while I’m generally happy with my life, my life with HIM was bringing me down.
Senior Attorney
Aw, pink. Hugs.
My advice is tell him close to the last minute. I wasn’t able to move out for a month after I told my husband and it was beyond horrible. Also I paid for him to stay in a hotel the night before I moved out, so I could have privacy for the final packing and moving. I think it was better for both of us.
Also remember your job isn’t to get him to agree that it’s a good idea. Your job is just to convey the information.
And finally, go no-contact to the extent possible after you leave. It will seem really mean but you will be doing him a favor by helping him break the attachment.
Senior Attorney
On the other hand, it was horrible but we both had a chance to get used to it. I moved into the guest room.
So there’s that…
Pink
Thank you!
I have the lease and I’m planning on ordering a mattress and kitty litter box and litter to arrive before the move so that it’s all ready whenever. Brilliant on having him stay elsewhere the final night.
Rishi Cinnamon Plum tea
Thank you to whoever recommended this a couple of weeks ago!! Just had my first couple of cups and it is delicious and really does feel wine-like — so much so I felt twinge of guilt for drinking it in the middle of the day. Just wish I had ordered a full pound, because I think I will burn through this 1/4lb. quite quickly…
Anon
Any other Rishi teas that you tried and love? Aiming for free shipping.
OP
Obsessed with the tangerine ginger. It is the original reason I started ordering from Rishi. I also got the turmeric ginger on the recommendation of someone else here (haven’t tried it yet but the poster loved it) and the masala chai, which is tasty.
Anon
Thank you.
Curious
OMG this was me and you made my day!!! :) Thank you for telling me.
Curious
Also, excuse me while I also go get some “wine”.
OP
No, thank you! Making a delicious pot of tea is a great way to break up the monotony of never being more than 20′ from my kitchen…
Trying to Help
I hope you guys can help me with how to counsel my high school senior. She just found out yesterday that she wasn’t admitted to her dream school. It’s super, super competitive and she knew that even though she’s probably qualified, there was a really good chance she wouldn’t get in due to the pure numbers game that college admissions has become. But of course, she’s still heartbroken. I know she’ll get over it with time and she’ll end up going to a good school and being happy there, so that’s not my question.
What’s making me the sad is that she sees this rejection as more proof that she’s just not smart enough, not good enough, etc. She’s basing this on the fact that she applied for a couple of laboratory research programs for last summer and wasn’t picked for those (each taking just ~20 kids from all over the country, before the shutdown), she tried out for the best orchestra in our city that draws students from all over the state and only made alternate, etc. Of course she’s had a few “wins” too (like being selected for her school’s discipline council) but those feel much less important to her and frankly, they are.
I have tried to tell her that when you’re shooting for the very best of the best, you’re going to be disappointed more frequently and you have to be ok with that. I’m thinking about some of her friends who were just applying to a bunch of local state schools and were THRILLED to get into their top choice from among those and think if she set her sights lower, she’d have more success. But then she asks whether I’m saying that she shouldn’t dream big and try to pursue those dreams. And of course that’s not the message I want to send either. But it’s so sad to see her try and get shot down time and time again, and it’s really killing her self-confidence. And it doesn’t help that she goes to a great high school where a bunch of kids ARE getting into the top, top schools and winning the national prizes. And maybe it is just that she’s shooting too high, and she’s not as good or as smart as she thinks she is and wants to be.
Any words of advice for me on how to help parent her through this, and being supportive and encouraging while still being realistic? You guys always have such great perspective on things like this…
Anon
I think that if you classify this as “failure,” it needs to be reframed a bit as “failing up.”
Like if my goal is to run a mile, but I stretch that goal to my “highest and best” goal of a 5K, if I do the 5K, but run only half of it and walk the other half, did I fail? I aimed higher, and missed my target, but also completely overshot the easy goal. In reality, it feels like failure IN THE MOMENT (when other people are finishing a lot quicker, running the whole way). But also in reality, I accomplished more because I stretched myself.
And from my failure, I can build in another failure of a stretch goal. The point is, if you only have easy goals, you will do less. If do what is safe, you will “win” a lot, but ultimately cheat yourself out of what you could have been.
IN THE MOMENT though, failure smarts. It’s easy to focus on the failure (and not that she was qualified, that it’s a #s game, and that the first several rounds of rejected people probably are fungible to the admits). Would chocolate help? Or cuddles? Later, you can see what her options are, if there is any shot of going there as a transfer, and helping her figure out what a good series of next steps would look like. But not today.
LaurenB
I would reframe it as “their loss that they won’t have your awesomeness gracing their campus” – almost that you have pity for them that they won’t have her — rather than “you failed” (not that you’re saying that, of course, but that’s how she feels).
Anonymous
I don’t agree with this advice. That school selected either an objectively better candidate or a candidate they preferred for some other reason, so why would anyone pity the school? This is the type of unhelpful perspective that would only make me feel worse, not better, if I were OP’s daughter.
Anon
It’s not actually the case that admissions never makes a mistake though.
Anon
It wouldn’t make me feel better to hear that, though, and telling her she didn’t get what she wanted only because the other party made a mistake isn’t the best lesson to teach.
LaurenB
Are you not familiar with elite school admissions where tons of eminently qualified candidates who could have thrived there don’t get in because there simply isn’t enough room?
Blueberry
I guess other commentators see it differently, but I’ve always loved hearing things like that. It’s the form of people comforting me that I didn’t mind
Nesprin
Take her out for ice cream/favorite treat, and let her be upset.
Signed, went to my last choice college and I turned out ok,but at 17 I had no interest in/patience for listening to grownups saying that things will work out.
Vicky Austin
Hahah, +1000.
No Face
Just listen and love her. Rejection or failure are common on the path to the success. I look back on some of the things I used to want, and I am very glad I never got them! I wouldn’t have my awesome marriage if I hadn’t gotten dumped by other guys. My job searches have netted plenty of rejections, but my current job is pretty sweet. Rejection makes us more resilient in the end. Also, I really could not have predicted any aspect of my current life when I was 18.
FYI, I went to a very prestigious high school, and many of my close friends from that time period are geniuses, frankly. High school was a small bubble and we were all aiming for the same things, so the sting of rejection feels so strong. I remember those feelings of inadequacy. Thankfully, those feelings faded away with time as I grew up and go out in the world.
Anon
+1 to high school being a bubble. I went to a private, extremely academically rigorous school. Once I went to university and out into the real world I learned there are so many different types of people and different paths and different ways to be happy.
Senior Attorney
There is always going to be somebody smarter and prettier and better. And I totally get the whole impulse to reflexively shout “OF COURSE NOT!” when she asks whether she shouldn’t dream big and pursue those dreams.
But… maybe that’s a conversation worth having. Maybe the answer to that questions is, “I don’t know. What do you think? Might you be happier if you ratcheted down your expectations a little? Why is dreaming big so important to you? What does ‘dreaming big’ mean to you? Are there other measures of success that you might want to consider?”
I mean, I guess we’d all love to be Pete Buttigeig, with all that charm and all those credentials and even a cute smokin’ hot husband with a bestselling book of his own, but how many people really end up being that guy? Or Amy Coney Barrett with seven perfect kids and a Supreme Court seat? What did they all have to do to get there? And how much is it worth it? What does your daughter really want out of life?
I’m not having a huge amount of luck finding it now, but I seem to recall a while ago there was some research about how students who were big fishes in small ponds were actually happier and more successful by some measures than students who were all of a sudden in the bottom half of the VERY VERY BEST big pond. These two articles might get you started.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/richardvedder/2019/04/22/college-quality-and-lifetime-happiness-lessons-from-the-varsity-blue-admissions-scandal/?sh=79ee353e41d8
https://www.brookings.edu/blog/up-front/2014/05/20/harvard-said-no-be-happy/
Hugs, mom. It’s hard.
Anonymous
Even Pete Buttigieg has to live with disappointment–he wanted to be president and didn’t make it.
Anon
Yet!
Lilau
!!! (Crosses fingers).
Were it my child, I might add that the president-elect’s educational credentials are solid, but not particularly stellar. Life is long and successful careers take many different shapes.
Cassy
When I was 16, I didn’t pass my driving test and I was DEVASTATED (on my birthday of course) — and at the same super embarrassed that I was upset, because I /knew/ it wasn’t the end of the world, and I /wanted/ to just learn from the experience and do better next time but, well, teenagers have a lot of emotions. My mom just made me cookies & let me be sad – and I really appreciated it; sometimes you just need sympathy from your mom.
For college’s specifically – one thing I remember our school’s college counselor telling everyone who applied is that the super competitive places aren’t above a “worth a shot!” for /any/ applicant, no matter how crazy well qualified you are. Anywhere with a 4% acceptance rate just has some element of randomness in their selection process.
But honestly, if I were 17 and upset about being rejected from a school, I think I’d just want a hug from my mom.
Anon
I will say that the pond analogy can apply to college in particular. Well prepared, motivated students at less selective schools get a lot of attention and support from faculty who may work hard to teach (and motivate) all their students, but who are also just delighted to have a student who can hit the ground running.
I honestly think I may have gone farther if I had gone to the school that wanted me really badly vs. the reach school I attended. I attended the reach school because I was a teenager and wanted to make friends, but I was just another student there. The faculty at my “safety school” wanted to involve me on research projects and shepherd me into opportunities (I once met the student who took the offer that I had turned out, and she was doing fabulously).
Senior Attorney
Yup. Agree with this!
Senior+HR
+1. I feel for your daughter, but agree with the Anon above. It doesn’t matter where you go, but rather what you do when you get there. I think Malcolm Gladwell had once referenced a study that (paraphrasing) showed that smart kids at top schools struggle more than that same kid at a next tier down where they are the smartest. This is not to to diminish the disappointment. There are so many ways to live a life. Let go of that “one right” school, internship, job, etc.
Anonymous
Oh yes, I own the book — a client recommended and I greatly enjoyed it — it is one of the Malcolm Gladwell novels – Outliers, I think. It’s a philosophy worth considering.
Sometimes it’s not better to go to the best school you can get into, I think. On the other hand, I turned down top 10 schools twice due to $$ (no scholarships) and have periods of regret. And, I didn’t hit some of my goals, but I think aim high — shoot for the stars you might get the moon. And, remember, people (especially young people) peak at different times. And, we can’t know when that is. Your daughter sounds brilliant but she has to find her path — and rejection sucks in the moment, I agree.
Anonymous
Edited: It’s Gladwell’s David and Goliath (which I liked better than Outliers) it turns out. I needed to go check it.
Anonymous
Yeah, that one. I came here to recommend this exact book. A little bit later – give her time to grieve her imaginary perfect life she has planned – have a look at this. But first, giving up your fantasy self is hard. If your age starts with the number 1 it’s very, very hard.
Senior Attorney
Yes, that is what I was trying to remember!
Anon
I don’t know if this would help her, but honestly what happens to you in high school has so little affect on the rest of your life. Nobody in 20 years is going to care what prize you won in high school. She can still have a great career and achieve a lot even if she doesn’t go to her dream school. Maybe you can sit down together and look into all the awesome things the schools she does get into offer. Also, she is going to face rejection throughout her life. Qualified, smart, ambitious people get rejected from jobs or lose their jobs or face setbacks ALL THE TIME. It’s no reflection on you as a person. There are lots of stories about famous authors being rejected from publishers or CEOs who dropped out of college or whatever. I think being prepared for this early is a good life lesson.
Can you emphasize to her that being a kind, responsible, caring, thoughtful person is what matters? I would be concerned about her entire self-worth being tied up in academic achievements. Maybe she’s not hearing from you that being a good person and a good daughter is what matters the most.
PNW
It sounds to me like you’re handling it right, and it’s just an uncomfortable growth situation for her that you are only able to mitigate so much for her. You’ve outlined her choices – aim a bit lower and experience success more often, or aim high and develop thick skin (and, as you point out, maybe get a more realistic take on her skills and talents). You’re right, of course she’ll find her place and do well but it’s hard to watch. Does she have non-academic things that make her feel successful? Maybe she can lean into something else for a bit. Especially once she’s secured her admission.
Anonymous
This is spot-on. I am dealing with a similar situation with my teen, and the only thing that takes the sting away for a while is doing something non-competitive that’s just for her (crafts, art, baking, spending time with her dog). The pandemic makes it even harder for teens to adapt to disappointments because they are cut off from their usual support systems of friends, activities, school, etc.
She will feel a lot better once she’s been accepted to a school that’s a good fit and started to imagine her future there. In the meantime, let her have space to grieve and offer her plenty of ice cream and old favorite movies.
Ellen
First of all; hugs to her. She is reaching for the stars, and that is generally good, but she should know that life goes on, irregardless of all of that. You should tell her not to get down, but maintain a positive attitude. I was a little like this myself. Being the oldest child, since Dad was very successful he wanted to show me off, so he had me apply to a bunch of schools that were “reach” schools for me since I hadn’t really done well on my SAT’s — Harvard, UVA, Georgetown, Cornell, Colombia, GW and Hufstra. Out of all of these, I only got into GW and Hufstra. Mom wanted me to go to Hufstra, b/c it was local and I could just drive to school. All of my freinds were going away to school so I convinced her that I would rather go to DC b/c of the goverment. Dad said I should wait a year and he would get me into a better school. I said no b/c I did not want to stay on LI for a year doing nothing.
To make a long story short, I went to GW and did OK; I also decided that GW was good enough for me to stay for law and I got a degree, and passed the NY Bar. Tho I did not start out with a presitigus firm, I worked my way into a niche job at a NYC Boutique and am now a partner and am still under 40 years old, making decent money and having alot of autonomy.
So show her that we, as women, can still ROAR, even if we don’t go to Harvard or Yale.
anon
Oh, this is so tough. I want to give both you and your daughter a hug. The truth is, it DOES sound like your daughter might be aiming a bit out of her range. In time, she may come to see that on her own. Your advice that rejection is going to happen more when you’re aiming for the tippy-top is spot on. If you can, I would gently probe into what “dreaming big” means to her and what success means to her. It sounds like she’s very focused on the external stuff for validation, which is more worrisome than how she’s handling the rejections. Where are those messages coming from? Is it internal pressure, or is she feeling some pressure from school or the community to be among the best of the best? I think the best thing you can do is to continue supporting her and being a listening ear when things go sideways. Keep reiterating that you love her and you’re proud of her because of who she is, not what she does.
This is really hard stuff and reminds me of myself around ages 16-20. I was above-average, but I wasn’t among that top echelon. Once in awhile, I’d break into that group, which fueled me just enough to keep going and keep chasing gold stars, until I finally realized that effort made me desperately unhappy. The hard truth was that I really didn’t have that super-genius level of intelligence to hang with that top group. I had a major crisis of confidence during my junior year of college. It wasn’t pretty, and my parents were very concerned about me. As they should’ve been because I was mired in anxiety from not feeling good enough. But that tough stretch was absolutely necessary to reset my expectations. Settling for somewhere between average and truly excellent has been my sweet spot as an adult.
Anonymous
I am going to push back a little on the idea that OP’s daughter is necessarily aiming out of her range. That might be the case, but it’s also possible that she is plenty smart and talented and just hasn’t been lucky. Our high school valedictorian was a National Merit finalist and had aced every AP exam offered, but she still wasn’t accepted to Harvard, Stanford, or Yale, probably because she just didn’t have that special something they were looking for (wealthy parents, a niche talent, a compelling life story). Not getting in to any particular school doesn’t necessarily mean the kid isn’t a super genius. It might just mean she didn’t register enough clicks on the college website, or through no fault of her own she’s a generic super genius girl from the suburbs who doesn’t have an interesting backstory. Her mom is right that even if she’s a super genius, if she wants to aim for the stars she’s got to be prepared to accept some disappointments.
I just bought the book Who Gets in and Why to read with my daughter, who is about to embark on the college admissions process. It explains the yield-maximization game that college admissions has become. I am hoping this will help my kid strategize about which schools to target and insulate her from taking admissions decisions quite so personally.
Anon
I am in the middle of it with you (college sophomore who aimed lower and is currently attending her second choice, high school senior who is aiming quite high.) I think the current generation of kids were raised with the “you can do anything, you’re the best and the brightest” message and anything less than Ivy, Stanford, Berkeley, UCLA falls short of what they were conditioned to believe they’d be doing. Not just by the parents, but by their teachers, friend group, and society at large.
I’ve always been a proponent of managing expectations, but that can also backfire. My daughter has said more than once that I must think she’s stupid. But I didn’t want her to be crushed by life. I wanted her to have realistic goals.
I’m not sure what the answer is. My daughter is really happy with her choice now, two years in, though of course is disappointed like everyone else that she’s not having the real on-campus college experience this year. Her main pressure about the school at this point is how her peer group from high school perceives her, when some of them got into those prestigious schools. Hopefully that will fade over time.
I talk to my kids a lot about my own life path, not getting a job I thought I wanted for instance, and how if I had gotten it, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. They likely would not have even been born. But I agree with a prior poster – hearing that stuff from your parents is ok but not as valuable as your friends’ opinions.
You can support your daughter while she’s grieving her rejection and having to change her vision of what her life next year was going to look like (which is a lot of it) by just being there for her right now, and then by being very very excited for her when she gets into a different college that she would consider attending.
Anonymous
So I’m 27 which probably means I’m a bit closer to this than most other readers. I went to a school that was one of the top 100 in the world but not HYS and tbh at the time I faced a lot of peer pressure to do better, but with time and distance I was able to realize that not only was it absolutely the right choice for me school wise but I’m by far the most successful and well adjusted of my highschool friends. The name of the degree surely helps but often times bright individuals can shine on their own.
Anonymous
Agree +1000. The school you go to doesn’t define you. If you’re brilliant, hard-working, etc. you will shine. And, finding your way is the hardest — especially when you don’t know who you are.
falling short
This is super hard, and I’m sorry your daughter is facing rejection. It sounds like I was in a similar position to your daughter in high school, smart and motivated and capable but not elite. I think there’s a difference between telling her to lower her expectations and asking her to think realistically about what she wants, why she wants it, and what she’s willing to do to get it. I started college as a vocal performance major, with barely-there illusions of becoming a Broadway star. I thought I was realistic in my expectations that I would honestly make it on Broadway, but I immediately realized that it was just not gonna happen. At all. Like, it was laughable for me to even think that. And I realized that as I walked the halls of my tiny liberal arts college, not even at a prestigious place like Juilliard. I watched one poor senior fail her 3rd senior recital and just felt so bad for her, because she didn’t seem to understand that she wasn’t going to perform for a living. She just didn’t have it, wasn’t talented enough, and no matter how hard she tried, it wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to end up failing my juries 4 years later. So, I switched majors and now I perform as a hobby, and it’s so much better. It was AGONIZING when I went through it, and I had a huge identity crisis, but looking at what I really wanted and how I could get there helped me realize that I could still sing, even if I didn’t do it to make a living.
I agree with being supportive and letting her grieve, but knowing how to evaluate your prospects and where you stand in terms of skill and work ethic is an important skill. Realizing that even if you’re above average in many areas, it’s likely that someone will be better by some measure in at least one area. And that’s ok. But someone will look at her life or career or trajectory and feel the same way about her at some point, so it’s all a matter of prospective. You can still make a lot of money without going to the dream school. You can still participate in your hobbies at a respectable level even if you don’t to it professionally. You can still be happy even if you don’t have the biggest house or flashiest jewelry. You’re not failing if you pick a variety of ways to accomplish things and measure your life. I certainly didn’t know that at 18, and I have to relearn it often, but if there’s any way to help her see that, it might make this disappointment a little less fraught.
Anonymous
Hugs to you and your daughter. It is so hard to be a smart, motivated teenager these days. Everything is so hyper-competitive and there are so many experts at gaming the system that it’s almost inevitable that even the smartest kids will suffer crushing defeats.
Anonymous
I would just be a listening ear, let her feel her feelings, and don’t try to “fix” it for her. Part of the process of getting rejected from college (ask me how I know) is figuring out your own path and desires without as much pressure from school, friends, and parents. The decision has been made, the school said no, and it can be freeing to think of what’s next once that uncertainty of “will I get in” is gone. Let her explore that.
Anonymous
That stinks. It just does and I think you should let her feel that a bit. On the other hand, I went to a school I was THRILLED to get into and it also sucked. I pulled transfer papers by mid-October and transferring was the best decision I ever made. In retrospect, the school I started at was all wrong for me and I had just not been able to see that as a high school senior. I also ended up at another great school that rejected me when I applied the first time but took me on the transfer application. So she will get into some other awesome school and either (a) go and have a great time or (b) go and do a round of transfer applications.
NW Islander
I got into my dream law school, and it was horrible. I was surrounded by people who were going to be at the Tip Top of the profession, and the years-long experience convinced me that I was an idiot. By comparison, I was. I have gotten past the despair, which lasted years, but I don’t even put my law degree on my resume or LinkedIn profile anymore because I am scarred by the PTSD and the knowledge that I won’t measure up to those expectations.
Bet I would still be a lawyer if I had gone to a lower ranked school, with peers that felt like peers, or even a much lower ranked school where I could have been a big fish in the small pond.
Just a counterpoint that sometimes the dream school does not deliver a dreamy experience.
Dahlia
So I remember when my housemates and I were applied to medical school, law schools, jobs, etc at the end of college, and we were getting rejected all over the place. We all ended up in good places but there were a lot of heartbreaking rejections along the way. We used to take all those rejection letters and highlight the part that says “despite your very strong qualifications” and post them all on the fridge.
Knowing that everyone was getting rejections and that this is part of the process made it so much easier to handle.
I think it would be helpful if you can find a way to help her see how much even very successful people get rejected along the way, and help her to see it as part of the journey.
Most people would call me very successful today, and I was rejected by several medical schools. I have had so many grant applications rejected, so many papers rejected for publication. I’ve run for elected positions that I didn’t get. I am confident that most successful people can point to many rejections in their pasts.
I might tell her about my past rejections, and maybe get some very successful friends to tell her about their rejections, or see if you can find some autobiographies where the authors are genuine about failing at things and learning from them and succeeding anyway. Rejections and failures are an essential part of the journey to success!
dawgs
There’s a book called “Choose Yourself” by James Altucher that is really interesting/empowering, and that I had never thought about as a teenager (or as an adult). We’re in a society where you can literally walk around the middlemen in a lot of areas–create! write! publish! play music! research! Study x subject! [and on and on], start a business! without someone “choosing you” to do it.
I know that to some extent, having the network from the prestigious college/orchestra/etc. gives you the street cred to do certain things more easily, but there’s freedom in just DOING, without having someone “choose you” to develop that skill. :)
Anon
Hi all! Just found out that I am pregnant after DH and I have been trying for about 8 months! As I am only about 4 weeks pregnant at this point and this will be our first, I am not ready to share this news with my parents yet, who have been pushing for a grandchild for easily the last 5 years. They will be over the moon when I tell them, but I know my mom will not be able to keep her mouth shut due to her excitement. If I was even a month further along, I would go ahead and tell them, but it just feels too soon and I only found out and told my husband today. We will be having my parents over for Christmas (caveat: taking COVID and masking very seriously, both WFH and live in the middle of nowhere, only grocery trips every couple of weeks; not looking to get into this debate here), and my family likes their holiday celebrating. It will be obvious that I’m not drinking unless I fake it convincingly, and my mom will be on baby watch, given her anticipation of this day. What are your best tips for hiding a pregnancy during the holidays? As I am usually the bartender of these events, I am thinking I can just make myself separate drinks and when having wine with dinner, switch glasses with my husband in the kitchen. Any other ideas?
Unrelated: for those who have used baby apps, which one is your favorite?
Thanks, all!
Anon
If they know you are trying to conceive, tell them you are trying to cut out alcohol to see if that helps the effort. As an aside, that is actually recommended a lot of different places, so it is a legitimate reason.
Cat
+1 — obviously this only works with people who know you are trying, but it is the perfect excuse and doesn’t require you to keep up an act.
asdf
Can you say you’ve been having trouble sleeping with all the pandemic stress and are trying to cut down on alcohol to see if it helps. #Imreallydoingthis
Ellen
First of all, congratulation’s! You are doing the right thing keeping quiet, as it sounds like your mom will be all over you with ideas and suggestions. Although I have never been pregnant, I have been around so many freinds who are doing the same thing. They all enrolled in online lammaze classes so that they could practice giving birth; another freind got a subscription to Baby Times magazine and a third freind got her personal trainer to teach her kegels to help her get pregnant in the first place. I am sure you will have a pretty baby that mom will dote over! So enjoy, and I hope to be right behind you as soon as I find a guy to father by baby! YAY!!!!
Lilau
Agree with the above poster.
Alternatively, If you don’t make a huge deal of it, and your family are drinkers, they might not notice. I once drank root beer out of brown bottles at an entire tailgate party and told a friend later I was pregnant. He said “but you drank all those beers!” I do find that just a accepting a drink and holding it for toasts tends to go under the radar, even without trying to have your spouse drink it when theyre not looking.
Excuses for not drinking: mental health not great in covid Times, on a wellness kick, it’s been affecting my sleep, ect.
Also? Let them speculate if they want. Even if they’re direct enough to ASK it’s fine to deflect. My grandmother actually thanked me for waiting until 20 weeks to tell anyone; she thinks it’s not particularly kind to get everyone’s hopes up so early.
Finally, an unsolicited tip from a fellow pregnant lady: I got a bottle of something called “tost” at Whole Foods and found it to be a much better substitute for champagne than sparking cider. You might enjoy it too. Congratulations!
Anon
Thank you! My husband and I are both excited and looking forward to sharing our news. The timing just seems like it is too soon. I am almost second-guessing myself because nothing is guaranteed, especially in 2020, and I know this is the kind of family news that would feel so good around a holiday that just feels so much more bleak than usual. I just worry about the usual concerns about the news getting out and then having to walk it back if the worst were to happen.
Anonymous
So exciting! And you’re welcome!
Just want to add that I didn’t want to come off as judgmental of people who announce earlier ( which I think I have before) just really supportive of the idea that it’s ok to wait until you’re ready and that can be seen as a kindness. Because it feels super weird to be keeping something from everyone, which I totally understand.
Anon
If you’re making your own drink, it’s easy enough to make it all tonic water with lime, for instance, or pour yourself some non alcoholic wine.
I would lean toward telling anyone who I would also share I had a miscarriage with. That would have included my mom. So I would tell them, and let them be excited but really emphasize that you don’t want to share it with anyone but them for the miscarriage reason. Even the most seasoned gossip should understand that.
Anon
But I will add, if you decide not to tell them, put out a box of tampons in the bathroom and tell your mom you have cramps.
Curious
Congratulations :) so much hope for you that the baby quickens and you have happy news to share in a few months.
Anon
Congrats! I think the only credible way I could fake it is if I acted like I had already been out drinking — Saying no thanks friends, I’m skipping a beer at tonight’s trivia game because I just came from a work happy hour! So maybe just leave a half empty bottle of wine on the counter and let them assume you drank it earlier, or make some mulled wine, tell everyone how great it is, and drink something else in your opaque mug.
LaurenB
I don’t think people should HS e to pretend-drink to assuage people who are nosy about drinking. Why can’t you just be in the mood for sparkling water or iced tea or whatever? Why do you have to placate people for a beverage choice that’s no more meaningful than whether you put Italian or Ranch on your salad?
Anon
I don’t think they should have to, either, but when it comes to babies or the thought of babies, some people throw all of their manners right out the window.
“It’s rude to comment on other people’s bodies.”
“No, it’s not. I thought you were pregnant and this was happy news!!!”
“That doesn’t change anything. You need to not comment on my body.”
(Blank look)
“Please do not comment on what I’m eating or not eating.”
“I just want to know if you’re expecting!”
“If there is a baby on the way, I will tell you. Stop trying to guess. It’s invasive and obnoxious.”
“Baaaayyybeezzz.”
anonyK
I’ve been in this situation a lot. Honestly, just don’t overthink it. They will probably not pay overly much attention. I think when you make specific excuses for not drinking you just call attention to it. I would just walk around with a drink in your hand or a mocktail since you are the bartender. Don’t think about it too much. And good luck.
Anon
I told my mom at 6 weeks because I would have wanted her to know if I’d miscarried. I also found out I was pregnant before the missed period because my symptoms were so bad… so I’d known for almost a month at that point.
With friends, I normally told them I had a migraine or something like that. One time, I poured La Croix into a wine glass and pretended like it was wine. My boss poured water into a champagne glass for me (that did not look like champagne). My husband was convinced our friends and work had figured it out, but literally no one noticed.
AnonATL
So I have a nearly 5 month old and went through this charade last year. My problem was I’m mainly a red-wine drinker and that’s hard to fake. What I did was have my husband finish a can of beer, and then I filled it with sparkling water and carried it around most of the night drinking from it periodically. I had to keep a tight grip on it so no one picked it up thinking it was theirs and drank it. You could maybe fake white wine with some watered down apple juice. I thought about pouring a glass of wine And setting it between my husband and I for him to “accidentally” drink from, but the beer can was easier.
I used the what to expect app for my whole pregnancy and followed along with the birth month boards/social sites they had as well though it can be a little triggering. There were over 100k people in the July 2020 group, and statistically there was bound to be someone experiencing almost anything you could imagine. proceed with caution on those boards in your first trimester.
A very happy congratulations to you and your husband! What a lovely way to end the year.
Sloan Sabbith
Thanks for the good wishes, all. I have a stroke question. We’d like to actually ask my dad’s medical team but since they do not answer their phones, respond to our VMs, or otherwise see the need to update us, that has not happened.
My dad has started saying really disturbing, explicit/vulgar/suggestive things he would NEVER say normally. Does anyone have any experience with this with family members who had a stroke? More importantly: did it go away? Can his speech therapists or doctors help him with this?
Example: I asked him what he wanted us to bring down to the rehab facility today and he said “Good child p**n.” Or earlier this week he said “Hey, hey, Sloan, hey, wanna see my d**k? Wanna? I’ll show it” We don’t think he realizes that what he’s saying is totally inappropriate and just looks completely confused when you say something about it (he gets confused a lot right now, but it’s like he doesn’t remember what he just said, and then also looks like he’s about to cry.) For now we can ignore it but if anyone else has had this and it got better, that would be nice to know. We’ll try to ask his team when we can.
anon
Ooof, that’s rough. I remember my grandpa went through that after a stroke. I was young enough that I don’t know how they finally got that to resolve, but I do remember a few of the inappropriate, out-of-character remarks he made to his rehab nurses.
Sloan Sabbith
Yeah, he told me yesterday that one of his nurses has “great t*ts.” Dad….
Anon
I haven’t had this experience, but it’s something I read about when my family was preparing for stroke rehabilitation. I don’t 100% remember what I read (it was a stressful time), but the impression it left on me was that our brains categorize certain things as especially offensive and taboo, which makes them lump together neurologically, somewhat like can happen with repugnant thoughts in OCD. Because it is a neurological thing, I think it is important to report to his team in case they can help or in case it informs their care; I don’t think it will be new or surprising to them. I imagine this has been upsetting for you as well as for him; I would want to consult his team partly just to hear their explanation.
Anonymous
Absolutely alert his care team. It’s a symptom/sign that they will want to monitor.
Sloan Sabbith
Yes, my mom is going to bring it up when we can finally talk to someone. But I’m pretty sure they know, they keep his door open to monitor him so I’m sure they’ve heard him say it to us and I assume he’s doing the same thing to them.
all about eevee
Hey, so yes, this is a thing. A lot of people who have had strokes go from being mild-mannered to gigantic cussboxes. I know scientists and doctors are studying why this happens, so your Dad’s doctor may be able to give you more and better information than I can.
Sloan Sabbith
He already has an inappropriate sense of humor so we’d be thrilled if he just went back to being his normal cussbox as opposed to this.
Senior Attorney
Oh, my. I’m so sorry.
I’m no medical expert at all, but my experience with my dad is that any time he is hospitalized, he experiences episodes of delirium, which is like dementia but situational and transitory. (Like that one time he was temporarily transferred to a skilled nursing facility and tried to break out through the window because he was convinced his roommate was a drug lord.) That may well be what your dad is experiencing. He never had sexual content that I know of, but it did go away once we got him home.
Sloan Sabbith
It might be this, somewhat, too. He’s pretty confused a lot of the time and they’re working him hard in rehab so he’s just exhausted, which doesn’t help anything.
Skipper
I am not a doctor! Nor do I play one on tv! But I have some anecdotal experience here. Apparently it’s not uncommon, and it often goes away on its own in a couple of months. Sometimes people who have strokes undergo big personality changes–i.e., actually becoming the sort of person who wants to show his children his business–but that doesn’t sound like what’s at work here. The way I understand it is this: after a stroke the language center in your brain can be jumbled up and you, in the most literal and truest way, do not mean what you say. Sometimes people who have had strokes are stringing together syllables similar to those in the words they mean to use, and sometimes they’re making less tangible thematic links. A wholesome example: my great-aunt started calling her left leg her Porsche. Because calf and car sound fairly alike in her accent, I think? And because she’s always been justly vain of her gams? I dunno. But her language skills gradually did return to something more intelligible and less foul-mouthed.
It’s upsetting to hear your dad say gross stuff like this. I’m so, so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s helped me to think of the things my great-aunt was saying as a puzzle or word game we were working on together instead of taking what she said to heart.
You and your family are in my thoughts, and I’m rooting for your dad’s recovery and your peace of mind.
Sloan Sabbith
Other than the comment this morning about what to bring him (trying to avoid mod again), we’ve just ignored it so far and warned others to ignore it too. But I was just so shocked this morning that I said “DAD!” and then HUGELY regretted it he looked so confused and sad. Still feel bad about it hours later.
No Face
My uncle had a stroke. While he did not have that particular issue, I will say that the difference between how he was just after the stroke and now, years later, is night and day. It is a long journey. Wish you the best across the internet.
Sloan Sabbith
He has made SO much progress even just this week with his speech, which made us all feel a lot better. Thank you!
Anon
I know someone who had a stroke and while he did not have this exact issue, he lost his emotional regulation for awhile. So, while he could normally tolerate the ins and outs of his divorce, he flipped out in court during his wife’s direct post stroke because he couldn’t moderate himself. Luckily the judge was well aware of his recent stroke and very understanding and we just took a recess and then started again.
The really annoying part is his wife’s attorney absolutely asked specific questions with the goal of pushing his buttons so that exactly that would happen. It was very cruel.
Sloan Sabbith
Blah. My dad’s emotional regulation is already iffy in the best of times. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.
Anon
I have two stories that might help.
My good friend’s dad had a stroke, and when they were bringing him home from rehab, she bent down to adjust something on the footrest of his wheelchair and he slapped her upside the head. He had never behaved like that before, even in her childhood, and she was really really upset. He seemed to have no memory of doing it right after it was over. In hindsight it seemed to be a combination of his frustration at not being able to take care of himself and lack of impulse control due to his brain injury.
The other story is that my dad had a brain tumor, not a stroke, so it’s different. But when the tumor was pressing on certain areas of his brain he spoke and behaved very strangely. He basically hallucinated and said very strange, upsetting things. I understand the same can happen with stoke victims, where a similar part of the brain is injured.
Hang in there. It’s so hard.
Sloan Sabbith
Thank you. Yes, he’s not at all happy about much of what he has to do right now- has to be fed wearing a bib, which he’s pissed about, and he hates the food. He told us yesterday that he had string beans for dinner and “have they HEARD OF VINEGAR. SALT. FLAVOR.” He also has to be changed, which he’s mad as hell about and it is not made better by that the nursing assistant was in the room when I talked to him last night and kept saying really loudly things like “bring him new pants, he keeps SOILING HIMSELF, UGH, I have to go do his laundry AGAIN.” I finally told her I got the point and would bring him more pants, but my dad looked humiliated. Wanted to hit her. So he’s going through a lot of emotions and is tired and just….ugh, it all sucks so much.
Anonymous
I’m sorry but I think you need to deal with the fact that it may be that a filter to your dad’s thoughts was removed here. He’s forming coherent and consistent thoughts, they’re just disgusting. This is not the same as confusing your left leg for a car.
Sloan Sabbith
Yes, my question was does it get better. We’re dealing with it best we can for now.
Anonymous
Sorry. It just occurred to me that I probably articulated your worst thoughts. I tend to get triggered when people make light of harming kids like that. Hugs and let’s hope it does get better.
Anonymous
You’d be truly disgusted by the number of senior citizens who are pedos.
Sloan Sabbith
My dad would be horrified to know he’d joked about that- he isn’t doing it on purpose, certainly not intentionality making light of it and neither am I. It’s disturbing and upsetting for us.
Sloan Sabbith
For god’s sake, Anon at 4:17, he isn’t!
Horse Crazy
Anon at 4:17, do you really think you’re being helpful here?? What is wrong with you??
Anon
Anonymous at 3:53 PM, you need to learn more about this. There’s a huge difference neurologically medically between impaired impulse control or lowered inhibitions vs. what is happening when EXACTLY the things that are MOST horrific to the speaker are coming out BECAUSE they have always been horrifying to the speaker.
Anon
(In other words, if you are easily triggered by things like this, you may be particularly likely to start talking this way if you suffer a similar TBI, so please think about this for a minute!)
Anonymous
I’m no expert, but if I had to guess, I would say that Sloan Sabbith’s father recently read about the P*rnhub scandal in the New York Times and that words from that article are now coming out in an inappropriate way. No advice, Sloan, but hang in there.
Anon
I used to work as an RN in a neurosurgical ICU. This is not uncommon. It is really, really hard on the family. It also seems the more out of character this is for the person, the more likely it is to happen.
Carrie
I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad.
Do you know what part of his brain the stroke occurred in? It sounds like he has “disinhibition”, We all have a filter that helps us hold back our less polite impulses. If you have a stroke/brain injury/tumor that affects that area in the front of the brain, that can lead to some of these behaviors.
The most important things for him is getting as much therapy for as long as possible. He needs physical therapy and occupational therapy. His occupational therapist, in particular, should be told about these behaviors and that they are not normal for him at all, and ask the therapist for advice. I would recommend not ignoring them, and simply addressing them like you might a child (hate to say that….). “Dad, that is not appropriate. Please don’t say that to me.” Things may improve with time.
These behaviors can be very difficult.
Importantly, depression is incredibly common after strokes like this, and is terribly under treated. It may also make these behaviors worse. When you are depressed, you will participate less in rehab, will not sleep as well, and likely the brain will not remodel as well. It must be treated, and ask his doctors about this regularly (neurologist if available, or primary care doctor if neurologist is lazy…).
Getting good sleep is very important. I recommend bringing in a few things to his rehab hospital to make it just a little bit more comfortable. A nice blanket/his blanket. His clock/radio. Comfortable familiar clothes for his daily work-outs. An alternating picture frame with pix of the grandkids.
And after he finishes inpatient rehab he should continue aggressive rehab as long as possible as an outpatient. Ask about “Day Rehab” programs in his area, if he is eligible.
Good luck! He can do it! You can do it!
KS IT Chick
My MIL had a stroke and had many of the filters disappear. It wasn’t the kind of things that your father is saying but things like “that baby is brown and the woman holding it is white. How does that happen?” Loudly and multiple times, so that everyone in the nursing home knew that she was questioning how a white woman could have a Hispanic or Black child.
If you have ever watched Golden Girls, Sophia was supposed to have this type of residual damage from a stroke. They worked closely with a stroke rehabilitation specialist to get the tone right, so that it was funny rather than mean.
Anonymous
This sounds like it might be a version of aphasia.
There are lots of different versions. Some people loose their grammar – they remember their nouns, for example, but nothing else. Some people loose their lexicon – they remember grammar, but the meaning-bearing words (like nouns) are gone. Some people suddenly go overboard on profanity, tourette style.
Consult dr. google on aphasia. You can get it from a stroke, a fall, getting hit on the head, etc.
Anon
Hi Sloan, I am glad your dad is still hanging in there but I am sorry this is happening to you and your family.
In a word, yes, this is a thing. My grandmother had a pretty serious stroke after having a series of TIAs and was in the hospital for quite awhile. My mom and aunts got to hear some things they would have rather not heard, including some graphic details about a man my grandma dated before she met my grandpa that none of us were even aware of. My grandma, who was a sweet, painfully polite little Southern lady, started talking like she had been the madam of a bordello located next to a shipping terminal. It was tough on people. However, as her brain recovered, she stopped saying such weird things and everyone who had heard the weird things she said agreed never to mention anything to her. A few weeks after she got out of the hospital, she seemed to have no memory of being in the hospital at all; the last thing she could remember was being on her bedroom floor before the ambulance came. We all agreed that if she knew what she’d been saying when she was recovering she’d be horrified. So we just never brought it up.
If this helps at all, my grandma almost completely recovered from the stroke between the time she left the hospital and the time she died of kidney failure several years later. The only really obvious lingering effect was that she would mix up people’s names. The raunchy talk never recurred.
Anon
I really believe it can be like a flip switch: the things that someone would specifically never say become the things they end up saying. It makes me wonder what I would end up saying (I feel like I have a lot of things that I would never, ever say!).
Sloan Sabbith
Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone. I haver a stroke question in mod and for once I know exactly why it went into mod…
Marie
Just saw your question come out of mod. No advice, but I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s continued health difficulties and your family’s struggles. Just know plenty of internet strangers around here are sending you warm wishes and thinking of you and your family.
Curious
Thinking of you daily, Sloan. It is infuriating that your dad’s care team is so inaccessible and heartbreaking to see your parent in that kind of shape. I’m so glad he’s making progress on his speech, though I’d be freaked, too,if it led to some of the comments you mentioned. Please keep us posted.
Monday
I’m posting something negative and depressing. Feel free to skip.
Amid so many memes and jokes like “lol 2020 amirite” I just keep thinking that 2021 isn’t going to be that much different. I personally am getting the Covid vaccine within a few weeks, but it will be a long time before a critical mass of the population does. We all know what the meantime will look like on that front. Trump will be out of office, but his violent supporters and conspiracy theorists don’t seem to be going anywhere and the damage he has done in government and culture will be lasting IMO.
I know that people use the new year as a way to think about starting fresh, and I will try to do the same…but my heart isn’t in it. Convince me I’m wrong, or commiserate?
Marie
I am choosing to look at it as the bad things that happened in 2020 have already come to pass and we have had to deal with them. While we will continue having to handle leftover issues from 2020 into the new year, 2021 is technically fresh with nothing negative having commenced beginning on 1/1. Of course, bad things will happen in 2021, just like any year, but I have to believe that with the sheer volume of horrors that showed up in 2020, it just has to be a better year since the bar is so low. Not exactly a positive outlook, but let’s call it cautiously (or nauseously) optimistic.
anon
Commiseration. The vaccine offers a ray of hope, but we still have a long way to go. This winter is still going to be brutal. I am not planning on 2021 resembling anything normal until the second half of the year. I fully expect masks to be a thing for most of 2021, which I can live with. I am definitely not planning any vacations; I see no point until things are much safer and more people are vaccinated. At this point, I just want to see my family again. That’s all I want for 2021. I know this all sounds pessimistic, but I would rather go into the year with a hefty dose of realism than have any grand plans.
Cat
My head knows it won’t be a switch flipped on January 1, but my heart feels like at least we’re entering the year with hope (vaccines on the way! Adult discourse in the White House!). That said, it is going to be a long winter with none of our usual “cozy up at our favorite restaurant for a long dinner” habit to bring cozy cheer to January and February.
Ellen
Of course 2021 will be better, in part for the reasons you mention, and COVID vaccine, no more Trump, movies, meeting up with men again, etc. Also other reasons ==> The weather will get warmer, no more quarantines, eating out at Restruants, meeting freinds, going swimming in pools with others, sharing, kissing, etc. Just hang in there for a few more months and you’ll be much better.
No Face
I tend to hope for the best, but mentally prepare myself for the worst. I expected Trump to win a second term, and for the pandemic to be at full throttle for 4 years (the previous record for vaccine development). Happy to report that I was wrong on both fronts!
Anonymous
Believe what you’d like but I think you are very wrong and I don’t appreciate the negativity
Anon
I just want to know what the plan is. I know so many people who have been spending their savings on rent and wondering if they’ll even have jobs if their employers close for good. People with high deductible or otherwise inadequate insurance who ran up bills getting sick this year. It just feels like life has taken a turn for the worse for so many people at once.
Anon
You can skip threads you don’t like! There’s a little “collapse replies” thing you can click, I assume you missed it!
Monday
I specifically warned that it’s negative and invited readers to skip it too :)
Anonymous
Why don’t you “convince her she’s wrong” then?
Anon
I am seeing this new year as less of a fresh start and more of a celebration of having survived the year. I try to focus on all the important lessons this time has taught me, some good, some bad.
My faith in my fellow man has slipped a lot, and that includes a lot of my loved ones, so that’s a hard lesson. The good lessons are about how resilient we can really be when we need to be.
Anon
I’ve thought about this too. Like, quarantining in Jan-Mar is probably going to be the worst of the quarantining and we didn’t have to do that time frame in 2020. I guess I would just say a) I am choosing to assume (based on estimates I’ve read) that we should be fairly good by the 2H of 2021, and if so 6 months of “normalcy” in 2021 is miles better than the 2 months we got in 2020, even if it doesn’t happen at the switch of Jan. 1 b) we now effectively “know” there is an end*. There were large parts of 2020 where the very real possibility that a vaccine may never come was something to consider. Anticipation goes a long way.
*I know we could quibble about the timing/broad brushed things I’m saying, but not looking to get in that debate.
Anonymous
I’m approaching it neutrally. I don’t believe in toxic positivity and there are very serious issues that are not being handled adequately (the pandemic is just one of many – the gigantic SolarWinds hack job is another). There are a lot of challenges ahead and I hope we are ready to meet them, but the fact that many ICUs are full or nearly full in California (my state), which has had great masking practices for months, scares me. The fact that Trump used his final defeat at the Supreme Court to vow “this is just the beginning” is terrifying. I’m doing my best to stop doomscrolling, increase my charitable contributions even more, and stay politically active without losing my mind.
Horse Crazy
Unfortunately, I’m with you. People seem to think the virus will magically go away in 2021 – well, it won’t. Climate change won’t either. The R party will still be full of racist, sexist, awful people. There’s no switch at midnight that will make the world full of rainbows and unicorns. Sorry to pile on the negativity, but I’m very much a realist. I’m also super over people who think COVID regulations don’t apply to them, who seem to be the same people who post that 2020 “just needs to go away”.
Anon
I am with you Monday. I personally believe that 2020 was the ribbon cutting ceremony to the terrible, terrible decade/decades to come. This sounds very doom and gloom, and it is I suppose, but I am choosing to recognize that 2020 has been a wake up call and that I need better coping mechanisms. I am going on anxiety meds, starting therapy, learning to meditate, etc. I can’t control the world, but I can learn to cope.
The original Scarlett
I see a light at the end of the tunnel – 2 vaccines are approved, public sentiment is shifting toward getting them, it will be a while but the “end” is in sight. And a return of normalcy and decency in the White House will help tremendously, too. It’s not going to happen on 1/1 but I feel this year will be better. Also, with an end coming, I’m reframing to enjoy the positives of a slower life that I struggled to do when it seemed endless. Puppy cuddles and relaxed mornings, walks during the day, long slow weekends, cooking a lot. It will get better.
Brunette Elle Woods
I know I’m late here but when people say things won’t get back to normal for awhile, what does that mean? Because I have heard we should expect to get the first dose some time around May for healthy adults in major US cities. If I only have to get through 2021, I’m fine. My highest risk family member will be fully vaccinated by Inauguration Day ( medical field). Other than that, I’m sitting pretty until I’m vaccinated. To me, staying home while working full time, exercising, reading, cooking, etc, not a big deal. I’m not trying to discount the suffering and devastation this has caused. Not at all! All I’m saying is there’s a light at the end of this tunnel and things could be so much worse. I’m taking a huge sign of relief. Even if I takes until early summer. I know you’re just venting but there’s hope!!
Anon and Annoyed
I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he refused to commit, which she chalked up to his immaturity. Of course as so often happens, “I am not ready to get married” had the unspoken “to you” at the end and he promptly met and married someone else. Sucks – but it happens and I have been happy to listen and be supportive.
So she called me last night and asked me to tell her honestly what I thought went wrong in their relationship since I know them both pretty well. I hemmed and hawed but she kept pushing so finally I gave in and told her. It was mostly about essential incompatibility on some basic points. (Examples, he is super close to his family, which is something she was always pushing back against; she wants to save every penny and retire early and he wants to save more moderately, work until he is 65 and do more in the meantime; he is one of a houseful of children and wants the same and she only wants to have 1 or 2 at most). And, as I told her, neither of them was able or willing to compromise on those things. Nobody did anything wrong but they were running into major disagreements about where they wanted their lives to go that were not really apparent when they started dating in their early 20s.
And now she is really super mad at me. I was apparently supposed to be “more supportive”. I am confident it will blow over but seriously? Do not ask for an honest evaluation and keep insisting you want to hear it if you really, really do not.
Marie
Unfortunately, it sounds like you fell right into a trap. I had to learn this the hard way a long time ago, but whenever anyone wants “the honest truth” about what went wrong in their relationship or with an ex, nothing good comes of actually responding to the question. It seems like friends will somehow forget their crappy ex’s behaviors or all they ways they were unhappy in their relationships, but what they will never forget is you saying something to them, that while they insisted they wanted to hear, hurt their feelings or maybe hit a little to close to home.
anonyK
This 100%. It’s ok, it’s a sneaky trap- most of us learn this kind of thing the hard way! This is also the kind of thing where, unless he confided in you, you don’t actually know what went wrong. You can make some educated guesses, but you don’t know for sure what, if anything, was the dealbreaker or what he was thinking. Anyway, hopefully it will blow over as she recovers. But I would say you are sorry and it’s impossible to know what happened, so you were just guessing what it might have been. And that you love her and will be there for her and want her to be happy. Don’t get baited into discussing the details of the relationship again. If she wants to talk about it, just listen and offer nothing but sympathy. It’s a crap situation and I’m sure it has made her feel very insecure.
Anon
This is 100% it. I never tell anyone the truth about the following things:
– Whether or not they look like they have gained weight
– Whether or not I notice their new wrinkles, or conversely, whether they have gotten surgery or Botox
– What I really think of their partner/spouse or children
– Where I think the problems in their relationships lie (with partner, children, work, etc.)
– If I think they were actually in the wrong and their partner/spouse, child, boss, coworker etc. was in the right
– Whether or not I like their outfit/shoes/purse (unless I genuinely really like it)
It is a total trap, as is the commiseration with someone who is mid-breakup about how awful their partner is. Made that mistake with a friend years ago, who was in the middle of a breakup with a truly awful guy I hated. I was honest, next thing you know they get back together and she’s resentful and he hates my guts, because of course she told him everything I said about him. I had to wait out the end of that relationship to hang out with my friend again.
Why people ask for honest feedback and then get mad when they hear it is, to me, one of the great mysteries of life and human behavior, but I have been burned so many times with this that I no longer risk it. It actually prevents relationships from deepening/getting closer because if two people are just snowing each other all the time about how great everything is, how honest is that relationship? But whatever. My best friends now are the people who I can trust to give me blunt feedback when I ask for it and who trust me to give it when they ask. It’s rare to find that, and thus I don’t have very many close friends.
anon
I’m sorry. It’s easier for her to blame you than to take a hard look at the reality of her relationship.
Marie
Spot on.
anon
I’m sorry, that’s hard. I’m guessing she is really mad at herself for not seeing these things (or ignoring the now-obvious red flags) and you happen to be in the line of fire. I don’t think you did anything wrong; she put you on the spot. Hopefully she’ll come to realize that, and realize that she really is better off, and apologize to you. I’m not sure there is anything you can or should do in the meantime.
Anon
I agree with the posters who said it’s a trap. All you can really say in this situation is how wonderful your friend is. You can also not say how terrible the guy is because you never know when people are going to get back together.
Years ago I had a super close friend I will call Anna. She was in a relationship with Bob. She made a new friend at work, Caitlin (all names changed) and A,B and C all hung out together a lot. Next thing you know I’m getting a tearful call from A because she found out B and C were sleeping together behind her back.
I went over to her house a lot during that time and told her how awesome she is and what a holes B and C were. I would say I was her closest friend during that time.
And here we are several years later. B and C are married, A got married to someone else, and they are great couple friends with B and C. I am frozen out because I said B and C were awful people (I stand by that) and what I said can’t be un-said.
Anonymous
You don’t want the be friends with B&C anyway, bad people aren’t just bad in one fascet of their lives, they do other bad things too.
Anon
I really don’t want to be friends with B and C, but it’s A who froze me out! Ah well. It has just been a lesson to me.
Carrie
A’s not that great either…
anon
Well, that’s a plot twist! I stand by your assessment of B and C, btw.
Anonymous
Is anyone else secretly dreading the holiday break? I can certainly use some time off from the daily grind of WFH + supervising on-line school. I have a whole list of household projects and fun things I want to do. The problem is that my entire family is going to spend the next 16 days following me around expecting me to entertain them and/or listen to them chatter, the way they do every weekend. I am an introvert who has been trapped in a house full of extroverts 24/7 for the past nine months and I just cannot take any more togetherness. Why can’t these people entertain themselves for five minutes?
anon
YESSSSS, secretly dreading. I’ve already told Dh that we need to figure out a way to get me some introvert time during the break, or I will definitely lose my mind.
Tea/Coffee
Oh, yes, this x 1,000
At least when I am working I can say “I AM ON A CALL” and they will leave me alone for a bit.
I need the snow to melt so that I can use my “going for a run” excuse; I may need to run on pavement which I normally hate. Plus, if there’s pavement it just ups the chances that there are other humans.
I am afraid that break will involve lots of baking. And aaaaalllllll the movies and video games. And wine.
Anonymous
Argh, all of this, up to and including snow and runs and wine. I have one child who is unaccountably, exhaustingly an extrovert, proving the triumph of nature over nurture, and one introvert toddler who is prone to quiet mischief (getting into the pantry and opening a cereal box, removing all the dust jackets from her picture books, climbing up into her brother’s bunk and treating herself to Daniel Tiger on his school tablet).
Anon
Unlimited screentime for everybody.
Anonymous
I feel you. It takes all my strength to prevent myself from shouting “SILENCE!” multiple times a day.
Flats Only
Not sure if it’s an option in your area, but a hotel day pass? I read an article about some hotels doing day passes for WFH. You get contactless check in, a sanitized room to yourself, room service can be dropped off. Seems relatively safe from a COVID standpoint – you would only encounter other people for a moment, masked, in the hall or when opening the door for room service. I envision a lavish room service brunch, hot bath, DIY spa activities, naps, movies, etc. Since it’s not overnight it’s less disruptive to your household, but gets you hours of peace and quiet to rejuvenate. Tell your extroverts you’ll be home at 7:00 PM and expect dinner of some sort to be on the table.
pink
+1 it’s around $100 even in NYC for daytime use
Flats Only
I just poked around some more, and it looks like dayuse.com is a useful way to book these.
No Face
This sounds amazing….
My plan is to go for an incredibly long walk/hike by myself at least once or twice.
Anonymous
Long baths are sometimes good for this too if you can monopolize a bathroom.
Pisces
Make time atleast twice a week to your own thing, whatever it may be – grab coffee and read a book, take a walk/hike, go shop. Just an hour to yourself.
Moissanite or Man Made Diamond (vrai)
All, looking for some suggestions for a nice gift of jewellery to myself. Anyone have a moissanite ring and care to opine if it looks too sparkly? And any stores that have modern styles that you have been pleased with?
thanks!
Senior Attorney
I had a moissanite engagement ring in my last marriage. It was nicely but no excessively sparkly. The thing that bugged me about it was that in certain light (can’t remember if it was natural or artificial) it had a greenish/yellowish cast that probably nobody but me could see, but… I could see it.
NY CPA
One of my best friends has a Moissanite engagement ring and I really like it. Very sparkly, but to me, there’s no such thing as “too sparkly”. Also, I don’t think it’s that much more noticably sparkly than a diamond, unless you’re comparing them side-by-side. I’d go for it!
The original Scarlett
I’m a big fan of moissanite too, but if you’re not set on arhat stone, I love the rings at bario-neal, they do really cool clusters of stones and low-profile stacking rings.
Anon
I have a moissanite and it’s beautiful, not too sparkly. I think the green tinge issue has gotten addressed through better manufacturing over time. It’s definitely a forever stone; I’m a total klutz and it’s held up to a lot of rough treatment over the last decade.
Anon
Is anyone else spending the holidays home with *just* immediate household? Most people I know are joining two or three households, and I know it’s still under 10 people and maybe within a pod or driving v. flying, but I’d love some solidarity with those of us who are just. staying. home. (again/still).
anon
Just DH and me. All our family is on different continents, so with covid and immigration restrictions, this wasn’t going to happen. We were originally going to invite two single friends who are also stuck home alone, but now we’re not doing it. It sucks.
OP
Thank you for making good choices. I’m sorry for the singletons especially – it IS tough.
CountC
Me! Alone! Not even seeing my parents who live in a different state because well you know.
Denver
Yep! Just the 4 of us. Actually kind of excited about it!
OP
Thank you! I’m sorry you can’t see your parents this time.
Anon
Yes.
cHal
Yup. Just the two of us. It is my ideal and Ive been amused and interested see how many people feel it is horrible.
Anonymous
Yes, not seeing anyone else and making the most of it. I’m looking forward to it and choosing to be positive.
Shelle
Just me and my husband. Thank you for the solidarity!
Senior Attorney
Yep. Just me and my husband. We will Zoom with my son at some point, and have a Zoom wine tasting with friends on New Year’s Eve. But physically? Just us.
Solidarity!!
Anon
Just husband, me, kids, and two cats who are now completely spoiled by everyone being home all the time since March.
I am in the Bay Area and watch the 11:00 news every night. ICU capacity is under 15% for the region. It’s at 0% in white, wealthy Marin county! The entire Southern California region is at 0%.
The fact that people think they are some sort of magical exception and keep gathering just enrages me. Hospitals are literally at the point of making life or death decisions because they have to refuse care to some. This is not hyperbole.
I have extended family who are gathering, and honestly, f%^* them.
Anon
Just the three of us who live here. We will not be hosting my siblings, in-laws, nieces, nephews, grandnieces and grand nephews— not even my children who are not part of this household, nor my grandchildren. This, too, shall pass. Peace of the season to all.
OP
Peace to you too.
Anonymous
Just us, with a lot of Zooms with extended family we usually see and a Zoom New Year’s toast. It’s a bit surreal but it does feel like we are headed to the finish line with the vaccine progress. Hopefully next year we will all be chatting about important topics like whether a dress we bought in 2019 and never wore is still in style!
Anonymous
just me and DH! there’s no way we’re risking our parents’ health. so far everyone has been healthy and we’d like to keep it that way for the next year. we’re making it fun by cooking all our favorite foods all week. some are very childish and we’re greatly looking forward to it. think sous vide short ribs but also homemade rice krispy treats and puppy chow, hazelnut dacquoise but also frito-topped tex mex casseroles. we’ve been thinking of things the last few weeks and are very excited.
OP
Love the high-low meal plan for you!
Anon
Just DH and me as well. Since March….
Anonymous
Same.
Anon
+1
KS IT Chick
DH, the cat and me. We ordered a charcuterie platter from a local place for Christmas dinner. The cat recently discovered bacon, so we may cook some for breakfast and let him have a few nibbles. I need to make sure to pick up things for other meals besides Friday, though.
I’m holding down the fort at work (this week was my 1 year anniversary), so I wouldn’t be going anywhere even if I took time off.
Anonymous
Not for OP, obviously, I get that you and I are probably in agreement.
If somebody asked me about this IRL and I wanted to be frank, I’d say “I’m sorry, but the idea of people complaining that they are spending Christmas with “just” a partner, or partner with children, or whatever “just” immediate household is, is ridiculous. Just please stop whining. Be together, have a lovely holiday and stop complaining. You are together – be together. If you HAVE an immediate household, please stop whining. So many people are lonely every year for Christmas, don’t insult them by whining about only seeing the people you love the most.”
Sure, exceptions for room mates blah, blah. But if you have household, you’re ahead.
For the people who are just. staying. home. You are one of the reasons we will get through this. Thank you.
Another anonymous judge
Us too and thanks to everyone making this decision.
Anon
It’s going to be just me, my husband and my son. We live in a neighboring state to my parents and brother but cases are high both places and it’s not worth the risk. None of the six of us (seven if you count my brother’s live-in girlfriend) have gotten sick this year, knock on wood. We had a great Christmas with my parents last year, they came to see us, and I would like to do a repeat of that, but this is not the year to do it.
The original Scarlett
Yes, but feeling pretty happy about it – in part of my reframing of the year, there’s something kind of nice about skipping all the hassle this year. I also feel really lucky that I have a tiny household to be with. If this happened a few years ago before I met my husband, I’d be pretty low.
Anon
Just me, my partner, and our dog.
LaurenB
Yes, just immediate household (spouse and me). We are coordinating times so that we (those of us who would normally be together on a holiday) will be Zooming the present-opening.
My sister dropped off gifts for my household today. She lives 45 minutes away. Since the pandemic began, this is only the 2nd time I have seen her.
Ness
Not exactly, I have been designated to dinner with my parents, then I am isolated these ten days before Xmas eve. My sibblings will remain alone in their houses with their children. We will connect by zoom.
Hollis
I am getting a nespresso machine for a relative to mark an achievement (to replace her old one, which is well loved but (she’s said) is really old, but I have no idea which machine to get and what features people typically use. Can anyone help me with a recommendation? Around $200 or less for budget would be ideal.
Anon
First question is expresso shots only, or does she want the option of coffee? Does she want a frother? The answers will narrow the field considerably.
Hollis
I think an Americano or latte option would be ideal, so I think that means coffee too. My research suggests that the frother than comes with it is not as good, in which case there are some decent standalone frothers for $40 or so and I can buy that in addition to the machine. Space is not a consideration as her house and kitchen are a good size. If you have a model that you like, I would love to hear your thoughts.
The original Scarlett
There’s the original and Verturo lines and each takes different capsules. I’m partial to and have the verturo line. It makes coffee and espresso (they both might, not sure?) and I picked it because it was their newer model and I worried about the original getting phased out and fewer coffee options. I love mine and highly recommend. It’s great for our blended household of coffee v espresso and caffeine v decalf (why, husband why?)
The original Scarlett
This is the one I have – I rarely use the frother because their coffee is frothy (oddly amazing) and great for me with just some cream, but when I have used it, it’s nice but stands alone so it doesn’t need to be from the brand
https://www.nespresso.com/us/en/order/machines/vertuo/vertuo-vertuoline-chrome
The original Scarlett
In mod with a link to my machine – Vertuo chrome
Anonymous
Looking for a soft and comfy tunic style sweatshirt with crewneck. Most sweatshirts these days seem to be cropped or have elastic band at bottom. Had high hopes for a Lou &Grey sweatshirt I ordered but it is too thin.
Digby
I think J Jill has some tops that sound like what you’re looking for.
Anonymous
Old navy is good for this – look for their vintage style sweatshirt or they have a tunic version sometimes
Senior Attorney
This may not be soft and comfy enough for you (it’s terry rather than fleece), but I have this J Crew version in every color and love it. https://www.jcrew.com/p/shops/thegiftguide3/crewneck-pullover-in-vintage-cotton-terry/AB720?color_name=dark-spruce
Thermal Running Pants Recs
Ladies in cold weather climates, do you have any recs for thermal running pants? I recently moved to Boston and would like to keep moving, but the Uniqlo extra warm heattech leggins + regular running joggers aren’t cutting it in the 10-30s weather. I used to have an amazing pair of Brooks’ thermal running pants but have misplaced them. TIA!
Monte
I don’t know what makes something a thermal running pant, but I got a couple pairs of the Saucony Solstice tights for this winter, and have enjoyed them thus far. It hasn’t gotten very cold yet in Chicago but they have been great for the 25-35 degree runs and are too warm for 40 degrees and over.
editrix
The Sweaty Betty Thermodynamic leggings are very warm. If it’s extremely cold I wear regular leggings under joggers.