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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 420 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Sophie Shift Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This Karen Kane dress looks simple and kind of perfect if this sort of shift dress is your jam. I like the V-neck — always flattering — and the dropped shoulders, and it has pockets, which is amazing. While it's not machine washable, it's labeled dry clean and not dry clean only, so after you've had it for a while you can give it a whirl. Karen Kane has been beloved for quite a while because of their very easy-to-wear faux wrap dress, which I think has been around for as long as we've been doing the blog. This pictured shift dress is $148 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS-XL. Sophie Shift Dress Here's a plus-size option that comes in three colors. Psst: Nordstrom's big sale is starting today — we'll do a sale roundup post as soon as possible. In the meantime, you can check out some of our prior coverage, such as the classic pieces to get at Nordstrom to build your work wardrobe, and the highest rated, most-loved denim at Nordstrom (for the weekend). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Anon

    I’m attending a conference this summer. I’ve been trying to break out of my shell a little bit generally. I can be socially awkward/anxious and have always kept to myself a great deal at these kinds of things. I’d like to try to branch out, but it feels a little daunting. What are your tips for engaging with people at a large conference where you don’t necessarily know anybody going in?

    • Clarissa

      This is the perfect time to practice, because it’s not necessary to keep a conversation going for as long. I would try to scout people who asked questions that you agree/disagree with and start with that to break the ice. Try to introduce yourself to someone new between each segment, and follow up with at least one person after the conference. Especially if you’re looking to network for future business contacts. Make sure you bring your business cards, and if you’re job searching a few up to date resumes.

    • LAnon

      When you’re attending sessions, pay attention to any Q & A sections. If someone asks a question that is in any way relevant or helpful to you, go up to them after and say, “Hey, thanks for asking that question!” You can say you were thinking the same thing or just that you thought it was insightful or whatever. It’s a great icebreaker, it gives you a natural lead-in to a conversation (“So, you must do a lot of work with XYZ…”), and typically people who speak up to ask questions during sessions are very willing to talk further.

    • CKB

      I make a goal of talking to a certain number of people per day – usually 3 to 5. Once I hit my goal I can relax and not worry if I don’t talk to anyone else. I also try to sit by someone at meals rather than sitting by myself and hope someone sits next to me. And I try to comment at least once per session(if appropriate).

      Conferences as an introvert are hard! But the more you practice the easier it becomes.

    • Ellen

      I agree with the other two OP’s, who make very valueable point’s. I have a different perspective you may be interested in. I cannot tell wheter any part of your akwardness relates to male/female interaction, but if it does, alot depends on how you are dressed. You must dress conservatively but fashionabley. This means NO low cut dresses, but you can have 4″ pumps, which draws men’s attention. You should not have any short dresses (more than 2″ above the knee), but you CAN have a tight pencil skirt that accentueates your curves. With these thoughts in mind, men will gravativtate to you, and you then just have to have a few rehearsed lines. Once you do this, you will be like a magnet for men. Unfortunately, there is no way to pre-cull which men come, b/c they will all, including the good and the bad. It will be up to YOU to weed out the loosers, which is NOT an easy task. FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      You guys inspire me.

      I am embarrassed to admit I actively hide, use my phone to step out/escape, eat outside of the group gatherings because these settings are so uncomfortable for me.

    • Laura B

      If there is an exhibit hall, visit the vendors! I exhibit at quite a few conferences, and I promise I’m a real professional whose not just trying to get your number to endlessly harass you. :) Usually exhibitors are going to be really outgoing and do a lot of the conversation legwork for you. If you’re honest/not cagey (i.e. not wanting to tell me where you’re from, what you do, etc.) I have a lot of contacts that I’d be happy to put you in touch with even if you’re not going to buy something from me.

    • shadow

      I tend to try to spot people who are by themselves or with only one other person, and then approach them. Asking questions is the best way to keep the conversation going – like where they’re from, what their practice is, etc. You can also try to sit down next to someone at the conference and try to spark a conversation that way.

      If you attend one of those drink and mingle things (like a networking break or reception), fill your cup up to (or down your cup) until there’s only a few sips left, and then work the room. If you get into a conversation that you want to get out of, you can finish your cup and say something to the effect of, “I’m going to grab another drink, it was great speaking with you” and handshake and you can leave.

      If you get their business card, after you talk to them, write down on the back something that you talked about in particular so you can remember to mention it in your follow up communication.

  2. Ellen

    Yay Kat! Great V Neck dress — even for me b/c it is not cut too low! And doubel thanks for highlighting the Nordstrom’s big sale for the Holiday. I am thinking of taking time off to get up to White Plains with Rosa before all of the HIVE goes and buys all of the good stuff b/f I get there. FOOEY!

    I wonder if anyone in the HIVE read the NY Times OP ED essay by Monica Lewinsky about Fox News and Roger Alies? It was very historical and she said that Fox News got famous by skewering her for having a personal relationsihp with Bill Clinton. I kind of sympathize with her position on one level, as she was ONLEY a young school girl when she entered into that relationship, and she did NOT otherwise have a boyfreind. But, she knew that Bill Clinton was MARRIED, and it would probabley be unreaslistic for him to leave his wife just b/c she and Bill engaged in some kind of consensueal contact, which has NEVER been 100% corroborated. I think all of the talk about her blue dress was much adoo about nothing, as no one did any DNA texting on the dress.

    If the HIVE has read the article, please let me know your view’s. You can find the article by GOOGELING the title “His dream was my nightmare” and Lewinsky and NY Times, and you can judge for yourself! YAY!!!

  3. Drug Store Mascara Find

    I’ve been meaning to share my new drug store mascara win – Wet N Wild Max Volume (hot pink tube with white lettering). It’s under $5 and IT IS GREAT. I wear contacts and have had no problems with flaking or smudging. It makes my lashes long and defined and is better than any of the > $20 ones I have tried. It’s also cruelty-free!

      • Drug Store Mascara Find

        I am using the non-waterproof version daily, but I plan to pick up the waterproof one as well. I am vain and I wear waterproof mascara when I run!

      • Drug Store Mascara Find

        FWIW, with the other mascaras I was using I layered at least two different kinds to get the look I wanted. With this WnW one, I stopped “needing” to layer and just use two coats of it!

        • Anonymous

          Oh, that’s great! Just wondering because I always buy waterproof (as is usually recommended for hooded eyelids) but in general I think I’d prefer to have it disappear than smudge.

        • Drug Store Mascara Find

          I used to use waterproof as my top layer for staying power, but haven’t needed to do that with this one!

    • turks and caicos!

      Wow, thanks, I am going to the drug store at lunch time to find this! Especially happy it’s cruelty free.

      • kc

        I dont mean this to sound like it will, but why would people wear not-waterproof mascara? I’ve always just assumed waterproof was better, but is there a legitimate reason? I genuinely have no idea…have I been making a mistake?!?

        • Anon

          I don’t need waterproof normally, and non-waterproof comes off easier with less rubbing and tugging during make-up removal. I don’t like the idea of rubbing my eyes and eyelashes (don’t want to lose too many or using a ton of make-up remover on a daily basis.

          • ELS

            +1. I’m not an oily type, and typically the lasting power of waterproof doesn’t outweigh the difficulty of removal.

            Now, I do buy a tube during allergy season because yeah.

        • Anon

          Ease of removal and I also don’t really like the way waterproof mascara feels. I don’t have any issues with non-waterproof.

        • newbinlaw

          Yep don’t need to. I already hate how much pulling/irritation you cause to your eyes getting the regular stuff off – and I use gentle oils or micellar water.

        • Scarlett

          Oh I hate waterproof – it’s usually too hard to take off w/o makeup remover and makes my eyelashes feel like sticks. I only use it if I have to – like outdoors all day & I need to care.

        • Anon

          I’ve learned that smudge proof actually stays in place better than waterproof for me.

    • Laura B

      Thanks! I’m going to try it. I just got some new stuff and I was starting to wondering if I forgot how to apply mascara because every one I’ve bought in the last year has been terrible and I get smudges all over.

  4. Outfit Help?

    I have a client event in mid June in the northeast. Trying not to out myself, but it’s location is something like Hamptons/Cape Cod/Nantucket. 50 people, 4 women. I’m most the junior person attending from my firm and the clients are the senior people at big firms – very wealthy people, all will look very polished and likely in some expensive duds. It’s an overnight, and two events include drinks on a lawn/on the harbor.

    I’ve recently lost 25 lbs and need to buy a few new things. While the daytime temps are likely to be nice, as the sun goes down it will get cold. What’s a girl to wear?! Men will be in kakhis and polos with boat shoes. I’m ordering some cropped pants (Halogen) but I don’t know what to wear on top. Looking polished is critical. I’m a 12 on the bottom, M on top. Fitted always looks better on me.

    I’ve also ordered a few dresses from Banana and Ann Taylor, hoping to find at least one. Any recommendations?? TIA!

    • Anonymous

      For the evening events, a lilly sheath dress in a more subdued color, with espadrille wedges, seems like it would fit the bill.

      To wear with the cropped pants, I’d get some good quality silk blouses (try everlane). And a really nice pair of pumps.

      • OP

        Thanks.

        Another point… I’m also due for a fertility treatment in the next 48 hours. Obviously if it’s successful I won’t be close to showing, but I will be getting larger eventually so I’d like to not spend a ton of money on what I’m going for since I won’t be able to wear it for some time to come. So unless I had a coupon code for Lilly, it’s a little more than I’d like to spend.

        • Anonymous

          understood — check out 6pm.com for lilly dresses on sale, I’ve had success there.

        • Clarissa

          In that case try to search for the brands you want on ebay, thredup, etc. I’ve picked up quite a few MM LaFleur with tags that I assume people just didn’t return in time.

          • Clarissa

            Oh that’s a great idea, you could use the unlimited for a month or two. It would be expensive to not keep anything, but it would be fun while it lasted.

    • Beans

      I’d check out tops from Tuckernuck. You could go with a high quality striped tee, printed tunic, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Is ix-nay the cropped halogen pants of polished is the goal. Agree with lily sheath dress or shift dress in navy. Would also do high end lined white or off-white pants with silk blouse in summery color.

      • Dahlia

        Agree, I think its harder to make cropped pants look polished although you can if styled meticulously (tapered with heels).

        I think a sheath or shift dress is the easiest answer here.

    • Anonymous

      If Lilly is out of your price range, try the sales racks at Talbot’s, Nordstrom, or possibly Boden.

      • Southeast anon

        Talbots has some cute mostly cotton sheaths that you might look at- the Mirrored-floral, Ombré Floral, and Dancing Tulip styles are well- reviewed and might fit this vibe (40% sale on one item now,too)

      • Anon

        I agreed. Especially Boden – preppy without being comically preppy, and you won’t look like you’re trying too hard. I think rich clients know that the people doing work for them might not be as rich as they are.

  5. Pesh

    Amazon Echo favorite skills? I bought my Dad one for Christmas but I don’t think he’s really been using it, so I wanted to give him some ideas. I showed him how to use and search the skill store but maybe if I could recommend a favorite skill it would help. Any favorites from the hive?

    • Anonymous

      Jeopardy. (This is the only one I use regularly, because I am secretly an old person.)

      • Anon

        The nail salon I go to has a tv on at all times. Last time it was Jeopardy and I could not help muttering out the answers. The nail tech thought I was talking to her and would answer, “oh yes, yes, hahah” which made me realize she never understands anything I say because she says that when I am actually chitchatting with her too.

        • Ms B

          I answer all Jeopardy questions if I am within earshot of the show when it is on, including in line at stores, in bars, and at the dentist.

          Sometimes it annoys people and I get remarks like, “What, do you think you are practicing for the show or something?” My standard response is “Yes; in fact I was a winner on a couple shows a few years back and I plan to get right back into the contestant pool the minute Alex Trebek retires.”

          Stops ’em cold every time.

      • Anonymous

        omg i love jeopardy1 is it available on the fire tv? I keep taking the test but haven’t made it yet.

    • mascot

      No suggestions, but the SNL skit on “the olds” using the echo is hilarious.

    • Anonymous

      playing music and podcasts – if you have spotify, you can basically tell alexa to play anything you want. and you can play a podcast or the news (cnn radio) at night and ask alexa to turn off after __ minutes.

      also, timers, weather, random wikipedia facts.

    • RDC

      I think (although I haven’t figured it out yet) there’s a way for echo to make calls and text now, but the recipient has to have the Alexa app installed on their phone. Might be convenient if he likes to call/text you.

      • Ck

        +1

        This is now one of the most amazing functions. It’s part of the basic function of the Alexa ECHO and DOT systems, recently added on a system update.

        My Dad can just speak to the DOT (we use the cheaper DOT connected to nice speakers) and say ……

        “Call Susy-Q”.

        Then a call is made to my cell phone, which I downloaded the Newest version of the Alexa Amazon App onto. My phone rings with a different ring tone and screen so I know it is a call coming from Dad’s DOT. I answer and it is a normal call for me while my Dad is just speaking normally into his DOT while walking around the room etc… For us, it is a great way for him to call for help if he can’t reach the phone. There’s also a way I can call or message him and he can answer with his dot, but I haven’t got that working yet.

        If you want to communicate with him this way, you just need to download the App on your phone.

        If anyone wants to dip their toes into these systems, I just bought another DOT for myself on Amazon that was refurbished (returned, new condition) for only $38.

        I use it mostly for checking weather and traffic before going out in the AM, listening to radio stations from all over the country, listening to music, podcasts, and I control lights in my home by voice.

          • Anon

            But you have to have your phone with you for that. Not all seniors have their phone with them at all times. Especially when they fall.

            Once you have the App set up, it is very easy.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have one in the bedroom and love it for the hands-free alarm clock: “Alexa, set alarm for six a.m. every weekday.” And then, every morning: “Alexa, stop alarm.” (Or worse, “Alexa, snooze!”) All without moving a muscle. (Which I admit is good and bad.) I also say “Alexa, play nature sounds for 45 minutes” to put myself to sleep.

      It’s great in the kitchen for timers, too.

  6. Messaging First

    When it comes to online and app dating do you guys always wait for the guy to message first or do you ever send the first message? I took a break from dating this past year after realizing I have a pattern of putting in more effort and investment than the other person (even if they are great people and show interest I just feel like I tend to do more of the ‘chasing’ and would like to stop that). I know there is no such thing as a foolproof method and I dont believe in “The Rules” but this is one traditional value I’m considering to adopt. Thoughts?

    • Anon

      I’m not on dating apps but the way I understand it, you both have to pick each other to match and then it moves on to messaging. Since the other party has already “selected” you, I think it is less weird to message first. Plus, if you let him message first, it’s likely to be something dumb like “hey” and you still have to reply with something more substantive to start the convo. Why not start the convo from the get-go.

      • Seriously

        If you’re not on dating apps, and don’t have experience with them, why would you respond with an answer? Especially since your information is incorrect.

        • Anon

          Good point. Thanks. I was listening to two girlfriends discuss this very subject this past weekend. While I had an opinion based on what they described, it’s not really relevant to the discussion here. Bowing out now.

    • Leatty

      I tried both when I did online dating, and had more success when I messaged them first. In fact, I messaged my now husband first. He didn’t use his account much, so I would not have met him if I hadn’t reached out.

      • Clarissa

        I agree. The messages I received first were typically not in style what I was looking for. Also, if you like math and blog posts check out okcupids old blog posts. They have some great tips on what quality profiles look like and what three questions you need to have the same answer for to get the best relationships (do you like horror movies, have you ever traveled alone, and I can’t remember the third).

      • Anonymous

        That’s so funny, it’s been the exact opposite for me. On every app but Bumble, I have never been asked out by a guy where I sent the first message. If he sent the first message and we exchanged at least a couple back and forth messages, at least half the time he asked me out.

        That said, if you want to message first, totally do it. It’s not weird, and that way you get to set the tone for the conversation.

          • Anonymous

            Anon above, I’ve also had awful luck asking guys out — done it 3 times and the guy flaked at the last minute every time, which has not happened to me when the guy did the asking out. At this point I’ve just decided it’s unlucky for me to make the first move (plus general laziness). I totally support women making the first move when they want to though.

    • Veronica Mars

      I messaged my BF on OkCupid first. He’s actually pretty traditional, which makes it even more funny that I messaged him AND ended up asking him out. Turns out, he just doesn’t really understand how online dating works and rarely logged onto the site to proactively message girls/get dates.

    • Anon

      I would never have met my husband if I hadn’t messaged first. 90% of the time guys messaged me, but he had an almost dormant profile after souring on online dating after a couple of bad dates, and somehow i found him.

    • Scarlett

      So I found it was generally a waste of time or I should say way more frustrating/much lower rate of return when I reached out first. I knew if I got a message from someone that they were probably actually interested in me/going out, etc. I found it easier to stay in the game by just responding to people who reached out to me who I was interested in. It was less demoralizing and had a higher rate if actual dates. That said, no harm in lurking on/swiping on/whatever notifies someone you’re out there on whatever app you’re on either, just keep it low effort unless you have a high tolerance for rejection.

    • Torin

      This is probably just my personality, and therefore may not be good advice for other people, but I didn’t see the point in waiting around to be messaged. If I was actually interested, I would say something. Send a few messages back-and-forth to assess intelligence and responsiveness, and then ask to meet up for a drink. I had a lot of non-responsiveness and dead-boring conversations and dates, but in the end I met my current SO using this strategy and we’ve been together for a year and a half.

      I think you should just do whatever you’re comfortable with.

    • January

      It probably depends on how picky you are, honestly, and how you define success in online dating. I have tended to not message first on the (admittedly traditional) theory that a guy who was interested *would* message me first. This method has gotten me a number of dates with men I wasn’t very interested in.

      That said, in my view, the goal is *mutual* interest. If you’ve mostly been the pursuer so far and you don’t like how that feels (understandable), there’s no harm in laying back a little and seeing what happens if you wait for a guy to make the first move. You can always change your methods.

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like “sending the first message” and “chasing” is not necessarily the same thing.

      I didn’t use dating apps when I was single for a variety of reasons, but I would ask somebody out if I were interested. However I had an ironclad rule of “don’t chase boys.” By which I meant if I started to feel like I was doing all/most of the calling, texting, arranging, I would lean out. My theory was and is “if he wants to be with you, he will make it happen.”

      But. He can’t know that he wants to be with you until he meets you, so I think it’s fine to make the first move in that regard.

    • Anomnibus

      If I were online dating, I think I’d get better results if I proactively messaged guys I was interested in, rather than hoping someone great messages me. If a guy finds that a turnoff, he’s not for me. In a relationship I can be patient, to a point, waiting for a man to propose the next steps, but I want to be with someone who’s okay with me taking the lead sometimes.

  7. RDC

    Can anyone recommend Bluetooth / cordless headphones that does *not* block ambient noise? I’m looking for something to wear while walking outside and want to be able to hear cars etc. Bonus points if comfortable for small ears. I like how my regular apple earbuds fit but don’t really want to spend $170 on the AirPods.

  8. Visible Tattoos and The Workplace

    I’m planning on getting my first tattoo this upcoming winter. I have a few ideas of designs and placements (ranging from my back, rib cage, and inner arm area) that I’d like to get over time. The design I’m most interested in getting but most concerned about is the inner arm piece (small cherry blossom). I will be in grad school for the next 3 years and when I exit I will be working in either a lab or institute where business casual is usually the dress code. However, theres always a chance I could end up working in a more corporate environment depending on the company.

    Do those of you with visible tattoos in the workplace exclusively buy clothes that cover them up (aka no sleeveless or other types of clothing depending on the tattoo), sometimes wear makeup to cover it up (although I can see this getting messy…), or you found that it doesnt really matter in your field)?

    • Anonymous

      My office is business casual and there are rarely visible tattoos. I assume people cover with clothing not make-up because makeup in summer would be hot and messy. But, tattoo visibility will vary so much between offices and regions.

      Not what you asked but I would rethink the inner arm placement. I’m mid-thirties and after three kids (weight gain/loss with each pregnancy, inner upper arms are an area that has not done well with time for me. I’m in shape but toning this area isn’t easy. I would pick the area that is least likely to stretch out over time so the design is maintained, and that can be covered in summer workplace clothing (sleeveless top and knee length skirt).

      • Anonymous

        I have a side rib piece and it has survived pregnancy perfectly! And no worries about covering it at work.

        • CountC

          How painful was having it done there? I have one next to my hip bone and want to put my next one on my side rib – about where the bra band would rest. I have a relatively high pain threshold (three surgeries to date), but right on the bone makes me a bit nervous!

          • Anonymous

            CountC – mine is on the side from about hipbone level to a couple of inches about bra strap. I don’t want to say more bc it’s so specific it would out me. Not gong to lie, it was painful! But I had a natural childbirth and I would take the tattoo over that any day. If you know you’re a wimp about pain I would avoid it but if you’re generally good with pain I say go for it! It helps that the few people who have seen it say it’s super hot :) even the nurses in the hospital when I was giving birth wanted to see it and talk about it, which was a good distraction.

          • ponte python's flying circus

            Ooh, good to know. I have a small one next to my hip bone and am contemplating where I want to get my next one (though it’ll be after I’m done having kids and be something that represents my family). Side rib is one option, shoulder blade/ upper back another. Both are less padded than my hips…

        • ELS

          @Ponte Python: I have one between/on my shoulder blades on my upper back. Part of it covers my spine.

          It was painful, but not unbearably so. I have a decent pain tolerance, but I wouldn’t say that I’m some amazing pain-tolerating shero or anything. It never hurt so badly that I couldn’t speak. The line work was the hardest, because the needle was the biggest and he went over each area a lot of times. The shading work (most of which was done in a separate session) hurt much less.

      • Anon

        + a million to reconsidering the placement. I’m actually contemplating laser treatment for my inner upper arms, which have stretch marks (!) from gaining weight when I was on Prednisone, and later when I was pregnant. No amount of weight training or conditioning has made a difference and my dermatologist says laser is the only thing that may work, short of an arm lift.

        A good friend of mine just got a tattoo on her upper back – she specifically chose that spot because it’s coverable and not likely to stretch out. Another friend has one on her inner ankle that’s tough to see unless you’re looking. I don’t see a lot of exposed tats in my workplace, but during office social activities they do become more visible.

    • Anony

      I work in a fairly conservative industry, and typically only make sure to cover my tattoos when I have important meetings. I only ever cover with clothing; I’ve never tried with makeup.

      Other than Disney, I don’t think many employers today are too concerned about young people having tattoos, especially a pretty one like cherry blossoms. (At a previous job, I worked with a software engineer who had, among other things, a machine gun on his forearm and he always wore long sleeves whenever he had client interactions or meetings with anyone more senior than his immediate supervisor.)

      Honestly, the worst thing for me about people seeing my tattoos at work is constantly being asked about them. Yes, they hurt. Yes, they have some special meaning to me. No, I don’t really want to talk about it. No, nothing super tragic so no need to make Big Sad Eyes. (My go-to response is actually just, “They all remind me of things that have been important in my life,” said with a smile.)

      • Ck

        My quick read of your post initially saw…. “He has a machine gun [tattoo] on his forehead….”

        • Anony

          Hahaha! Oh man, I have known some heavily tatted people in my day and even I would steer FAR clear of someone with a machine gun on his forehead.

      • Anony

        Oh, I should also add: I think the acceptability of visible tattoos varies widely by role. Even at a conservative company, if you are in a creative or tech-focused role, I think you have lots more leeway than if you were primarily in a client services role. I work in a semi-technical role in a conservative industry but I have a theory that people like that I look a little “edgy” because it makes the company look more modern. Once, in a meeting, my boss called me “our resident hacker chick” in a weird attempt to be cool. (Don’t worry, I called him out on it later – I am neither hacker nor “chick”.)

        So I think it really varies widely by industry/company/role. Really tough to say overall.

      • Suburban

        Is it rude to ask someone about visible tattoos? I always thought that was part of the point?

        • Anony

          It varies a lot from person to person because people get tattoos for a wide variety of reasons. Also, lots of people seem to forget their manners when pressing for details about tattoos.

          The best way to explain it is to think of tattoos as something of a cross between jewelry and a scar. For some people, they are purely decorative (closer to jewelry) and for others, they are a deep and permanent reminder of a specific thing or period of their life, which they may have complicated feelings about. I think for most people, it’s somewhere between the two.

          It’s hard to tell where on that spectrum someone is, so it makes it tough to assess what is polite vs prying. You certainly wouldn’t say to someone, “Wow, you’ve got a scar on your arm! Roll up your sleeve so I can see it better. I bet that hurt! What happened?” Even with jewelry, if you commented on someone’s beautiful ring and they said that it had been their mother’s without elaborating further, you wouldn’t ask, “Oh, it was your mom’s? Why did she give it to you? Are you guys close, or did she die or something?”

          Even if a tattoo is visible, that doesn’t mean someone necessarily wants to talk about it – they might have put it there so they can see it themselves easily, or because the location has some other symbolism to them.

          All this to say, it’s not necessarily rude to ask about tattoos, but know that it might be sensitive and have your emotional intelligence antennae out. Generally steer clear of questions about the meaning or why they got the tattoo – if they want to share that, they’ll tell you.

          • Anony

            Oh, also – when you ask about meaning, especially at work, you run the risk of making yourself uncomfortable with the amount of info you get about someone’s life. I knew a guy who had an interesting tattoo that involved a death motif, and he was very open with sharing with anyone who asked about it that he got it when he was working through his feelings regarding all the people he killed while active duty military. Not a great workplace conversation.

          • anon

            This is a really great explanation! I am contemplating getting a second tattoo that would be more scar-like, and the questions/perceived need to explain is one thing that’s giving me pause.

        • Anon

          Well, I got my tattoos for myself, not anybody else so I do get annoyed when strangers comment on them. Especially when they ask what they mean. It’s not anybody’s business and to be perfectly honest, I got them just because I like them and I think they look good. There isn’t some deep meaning and if there were, why would I be telling a rando on the street? I mean, you wear clothes and those are visible to the public. Do you want people to stop and question you about them all the time?

          • Suburban

            Zero snark intended but yes, I’m often asked about my clothes, particularly when something is eye catching. I wouldn’t as a stranger about their tattoo but I would ask a casual friend as a means of polite interest- I was under the impression most people like talking about them. Now I asked a question and I learned something and I won’t ask.

          • Anony

            Some questions you could ask that are usually quite inoffensive regardless of the story behind the tat:
            Where did you get it done?
            How did you choose the artist?
            How long did it take to get done?
            Did you help with the design?
            Do you have plans to get any more?

    • Anon

      I have a tattoo on my foot and unfortunately have a love of cropped and ankle pants. I cover with makeup… it’s annoying and I wish I never got the tattoo but am not interested in laser removal. There is another woman in my office (different department) who has a foot tattoo and leaves it visible and it’s nbd, I just wish to cover mine to avoid questions. I think inner arm would be fine because you can always wear sleeves.

      • Anonymous

        Have you looked into opaque flesh colored hose? I used them for a while (dif reason) and liked it. Granted, the colors aren’t great but no one is looking to see if your feet are a perfect match to the hands or face

        If you can’t find any, try those opaque flesh colored compression hose for bad leg circulation, and get the biggest size so they won’t be pressing on you

    • Anon

      I work in the more formal end of business casual and people have visible tattoos. They tend be small ones and not multicolor portraits of someone’s face but they are visible
      And no one cares

      I think it’s not business inappropriate until you have something like sleeve or a neck or face tattoo.

      I walked by a guy doing a delivery yesterday and he had tattoos covering his neck, much of his face, and his entire bald head, along with full sleeves on both arms. That’s a guy who has opted out of any kind of professional work forever.

      Don’t worry about a rose on your ankle or whatever.

    • AnonAM

      I’m in digital advertising – but at a more conservative business casual office. I have one on my back and one on my leg – I don’t buy clothes specifically to avoid showing my back one, but I don’t wear any of my clothes with any sort of cutout or v-back at work. I don’t care about my leg – I wear dresses and skirts without covering it up regularly. Of course this is totally dependent on your office.

      Also, in the tattoo world, people often talk of your first tattoo and then your first “visible” tattoo. So most people consider anything that would be covered by shorts and a t-shirts not visible, and anything outside that “visible”. So just something to consider when thinking about placement. I liked having my first one “Not visible” to get used to having it.

    • Bonnie

      A friend who works in a conservative industry has a tattoo on the inside of her wrist. At work she wears a watch that conceals most of it.

      • anon

        This is me too, except mostly I don’t bother to wear a watch. But for majorly important meetings I have one that covers it.

    • Anonymous

      I work in a semi-formal law firm, and the partners would definitely look askance at someone with tattoos.

      • Anonymous

        This. I am actually surprised by the number of people who say that their workplace does not care or actually accepts this – particularly in conservative environments.

        • Anonymous​

          I think most workplaces are at least trying to move into the 21st century. Tattoos don’t equal “antisocial miscreant” any more. Something like 30% of the population has at least one, and the percentage goes up for people under 30. Why someone having a tattoo would affect their work quality or effectiveness, I’m not sure and I’m not sure why someone would ever think that. I’m not talking about the full-scale neck and face tattoos someone else referenced, of course.

        • S in Chicago

          Agreed. I’m in a casual work environment in a creative-type field (publishing) and there’s definitely a stigma. Most folks cover most of the time, especially when client or sales facing. Exception in a 100+ office seems to be a couple of folks who are pretty early in their careers. Same at the publisher I worked at prior (although that place skewed more conservative since the publications’ audiences were financial folks).

        • JuniorMinion

          Yeah this. I’m in an industry where the beard conversation is still a thing….I’ve honestly never seen someone who wasn’t support staff with a tattoo in my 6 years in the workforce.

        • Anonymous

          I’m in academia, filled with notoriously … creatively dressed people. But this month a candidate interviewing on my campus said something *to students* about my tattoos (upper arms and across my back, I can cover easily when necessary, but wear sleeveless blouses/dresses when it’s warm). Like that wouldn’t get back to me (and all the members of the hiring committee heard about it before I did; I heard within an hour, so news traveled fast.)

          For a host of reasons, but that among them, someone else got the job. It’s a know-your-office scenario for sure, but if you think tattoos are trashy/signs of criminal intent/for support staff only, it’s probably worth keeping that to yourself.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I have tattoos from shoulder to just above elbow on both arms. We have a pretty conservative biz-casual dress code – no sleeveless tops, technically no ankle pants (lol at that one), no visible tattoos or piercings other than ears. So all my clothes that I buy for work are at least 3/4 sleeve.

      When the office is blazingly hot, though, I sometimes take off my jacket/cardigan, so long as we’re not expecting guests. Some folks have seen them at after-work events and it’s not a big deal beyond “oh that’s pretty.”

    • Never too many shoes...

      Several of the lawyers in my office have visible tattoos (inside wrist, forearm, foot) and it is not a big deal at all. Court robes cover literally everything when appearing before a judge and no one seems to care for anything less than that.

    • Torin

      I have a small tattoo on my ankle that I don’t cover. I work in a conservative industry, but a business casual office. Sometimes people ask about it, but I don’t think anyone really cares that much. Full-length pants cover it if I really need to for some reason but I really only wear those when it’s cold. Otherwise I wear ankle pants or skirts and don’t cover it. If it were bigger I might make different choices.

    • CKB

      I’m a controller at a construction subcontractor. I’m in my early 40s. I have a tattoo on my inner ankle that I never worry about covering up, and have plans to get one on my shoulder. In my industry especially nobody cares about most tattoos. Dh has a semicolon on his wrist and works at a polytechnic (not as an instructor) and hasn’t had any issues.

      I think the stigma against tattoos is fading, but I would make sure you get your first one or two in a place that it’s easy to hide until you get a better idea of what your (future) workplace will tolerate. And I agree that inner arm is a tricky spot due to aging.

    • Anon

      I work in state government, so obviously not as formal as a lot of folks here. It doesn’t matter at all. There are plenty of people with visible tattoos. I have a lot of tattoos on my arms and I do wear long sleeves a lot but mostly just because it’s cold. If I were going to have a meeting with, say, the governor, I’d put a blazer on anyway to be more formal so it would cover them up, although that would be a secondary reason for me.

    • Rainbow Hair

      It makes me happy to hear how many women here have tattoos!

      I have a pretty, artsy one that goes from shoulder almost to elbow, so 3/4 sleeve or elbow sleeve tops/dresses are my thing. I actually refuse to buy anything to wear to work that won’t cover them, because fussing with a cardigan or whatever is just too annoying. I work with a lot of [men in an industry where having a tattoo would be very normal] but since I’m a woman, and an attorney, I suspect the expectations are different for me. It’s funny, though, when people describe someone as “all tatted up” or whatever and I’m like… shh me too. Except I don’t say that.

      My immediate boss has seen my tattoo because we were drinking at a brewery (with my husband and his wife and our kids) and it was 100 degrees so like, eff it. But I’ve been working here for almost two years and no one at work has seen the tattoo (or my rainbow hair).

      I’m really pumped about the next tattoo I want to get — gotta save up for it though, because it’s gonna be big and glorious.

        • Marshmallow

          IIRC the rainbow hair is only on the underneath layers, right? So it’s not visible unless she puts her hair up.

        • Rainbow Hair

          Yeah, it’s like, if you part my hair from ear to ear, the bottom 1/2 is rainbow, the top half is boring brown, so in a bun or a low pony, maaaaybe you get a hint of it, but if I have a big clip covering the bun, it’s basically invisible.

    • anon

      Rightly or wrongly., I think people will judge if it isn’t covered at an office.

    • tattoos

      I have a tattoo on the instep of my foot, and it’s a Latin inscription. It’s easily covered by pumps if I need to, but since I’m in marketing in the Bay Area, visible tattoos are almost encouraged. Since it’s in a visible-but-not-obvious location, few people notice it or comment on it. If they do, they generally just ask what the translation is. Some people press to know the meaning behind why I got it, and I usually just give them a vague, “After a few big events a couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted it” and that’s it. I generally stress very conservatively for my industry and my office, so most people are surprised when the pencil skirt and heels co-worker has a tattoo. I totally agree that it varies by industry and region, so I think considering a place where it’s easily covered if needed would be wise.

  9. Shirts

    Does anyone else have a problem with their button down shirt collars rubbing/hitting their face? I don’t wear heavy makeup but it still hits my chin and foundation transfers. It’s also really irritating when it hits me. It happens no matter what kind of collared shirt I wear. I don’t think I have a short neck?

      • Anon

        I gave up on button-down, collared shirts years ago because of the makeup-on-the-collar problem and also the fact I could never find one that fit both my waist and my chest in a flattering way. Women on TV (like Claire Underwood) look great in button-down shirts because they’re tailored to fit; IRL I think for most people, they’re a hard look to pull off, and also just kind of an inconvenient piece of clothing, vs. things I could be wearing.

        • Anon

          Yeah, that’s my thing. They look so tailored and good on others. At the end of the day, I feel frumpy and messy between the makeup on my collar and major wrinkles, despite ironing. Blah.

    • STEMish

      Yes.

      I fixed it by donating them. Have not regretted it, only the $ I lost on the shirts and stain sticks and dry cleaners and time spent ironing.

    • Never too many shoes...

      Me too. I never wear those types of shirts apart from stupid court shirt with stand up wing collar, which is white, so one wear and then laundering due to makeup transfer..ugh.

  10. Maternity Leave

    I’m in the final weeks of my pregnancy (finally!), and I’m trying to prepare for maternity leave. At work, I have transition memos done, had a transition meeting to bring my colleague up to speed, and notified the people I work with most frequently. At home, the nursery is ready to go, baby’s clothes are washed, and I have the basic baby supplies I will need during the first few weeks. I plan to do a major Costco run this weekend to stock up and to prep some freezer meals. Is there anything else you did or wish you had done to prep for maternity leave?

    • Cb

      I asked about what my mom might do to help me prep (she’s visiting soon) a few weeks ago over at the mom’s site and had lots of good replies. Maybe a search there for some inspiration?

      My last day is at 38 weeks so baby permitting, I’m planning on day passes to a hotel swimming pool and novels.

    • Beans

      Pedicure/Manicure; Massage (if your doctor will OK it). I would focus on enjoying some time to yourself and treating yourself. Sounds like you have everything else taken care of and are good to go!

    • Anonymous

      You sound like you’re in terrific shape! I say mostly rest up to the extent you can. If you’re looking for something to do, clean the house and take care of any other nagging non-baby chores, because no way those are getting done any time soon after the baby comes.

    • Anon in NYC

      Buy ibuprofen & heavy duty pads – my hospital said ibuprofen was best post-partum, although I don’t remember why. I had been using Aleve as my go-to painkiller (naproxen), so we had to pick some up after we got home.

      Buy a nursing nightgown – something very soft and stretchy that can easily pull down (I got mine on Amazon for, like, $15) – so that you have something to wear in the hospital (easier for checks!). If you don’t already have a bathrobe, get one too.

      I have a larger chest, so I knew that I needed support up top and couldn’t go braless. I would recommend picking up 2 nursing bras or nursing tanks (I preferred bras, but I know some people preferred tanks). They don’t have to be expensive (I got my first two at Target), but it’ll be good to have some in the hospital / when you first get home.

    • Anonymous

      Agreed with everyone else (sleep, relax, take care of nagging chores) – also ensure you have your Amazon Prime membership set up – it will come in handy! Good luck and congratulations!!

    • Susan

      I can’t think of anything specific that you’re missing; in my own run up, the only things I remember doing are cleaning my desk at work and making it easy for anyone to find something in my office if needed and watching all the episodes of Master of None on Netflix. Make sure you get some granola bars at Costco if you’re planning to BF (I was constantly starving when I was nursing and would eat them in the middle of the night when I was up with the baby). Yes on the long overnight maxi pads (and I would recommend some very comfy/sensible cotton briefs if you don’t own any).

      • Susan

        Also: now is a good time to practice the straps on the car seat. We didn’t do this and had a very hard time, culminating with trying find you tube video how-tos as we were in the car. I wish I had thought to do that earlier.

        • Anon.

          THIS. My husband and my father had to do this in the parking garage of the hospital!

          • Senior Attorney

            OMG yes! We took the baby home from the hospital with the baby strapped into the car seat incorrectly! I about died when I realized it!

          • Anonymous

            Thirded. I volunteer at the hospital and discharge new moms and their babies. By state law, we have to wait until the baby is in the baby seat, in the car. Granted, I have no idea how to check if the baby is strapped in correctly or what I would even do if the new parents were having issues.

            In my experience, new moms take about 15 minutes to get the baby in the car the first time. It’s faster if Mom has a sister or mother with her who knows what to do. So don’t worry if you are having a hard time but know that the person discharging you from the hospital has even less knowledge about this than you do.

            Looking back, I now realize how amazing it was for Prince William to get Baby George strapped into the car so quickly when leaving the hospital in front of the press.

          • AIMS

            @Anonymous at 12:26 –

            Our hospital had a nurse who actually helped us with this and made sure everything was secure; I assumed all hospitals have someone for this but I guess not. I ended up having to negotiate this issue anyway when I took baby out to go the doctor a few days later. Luckily we were just using the car seat with the stroller because I definitely didn’t get it right and ended up needing the nurse at the doctor’s office to show me what to do (again).

            And Prince William said he practiced for hours because he knew the world would be watching. Smart guy!

    • Cornellian

      This may sound crazy, but I would probably see if there’s anything you want to donate/sell/get rid of. We live in a small apartment, and the baby ended up with a lot more stuff than we expected (and I was a lot less mobile than we expected), so it felt like we were living in some sort of tetris game.

      I don’t want to put a link and get caught in moderation, but make some padsicles. If you google that word you will find recipes. It may only be applicable if you give birth v-lly, I’m not sure.

      Also agree on Amazon prime!

      • bellatrix

        Everyone gets locchia, whether you give birth the traditional way or have a C. Seems unfair!

        OP: Make sure you have a comfy chair for nursing/feeding. Plain old bed pillows will work, but you need several. I am pretty minimalist so I didn’t invest in a Boppy or a footstool or anything, and within a week of the birth my shoulders were in agony. You want enough props (pillows, Boppy, whatever) to bring the baby up to a comfortable height, so you don’t have to hunch over to offer him/her your breast (or the bottle). And a footstool makes a surprising amount of difference; when you raise your feet, somehow your whole body alignment changes and it’s easier to be in a proper nursing position.

        Also, get some names of lactation consultants in your area, if you plan on nursing. You may not need them, but better to have and not need, etc.

        • Never too many shoes...

          In the alternative, if you are not planning to nurse, get a stash of Benadryl and a really tight bra.

    • October

      Pack your hospital bag + pre-register online at your hospital (if avail; saves on the paperwork that needs to be done when you arrive). When I went into labor at 37 weeks I was very glad those things were done.

    • Anon.

      I’d planned to go into the office to clean my desk the day AFTER baby was born – baby came pretty early. So I’d just tidy up each day you leave JUST IN CASE.

    • Senior Attorney

      If you can (not working all the time), go to the movies, go out to dinner, go to brunch, do all those adult fun things that you won’t be able to easily do again for a while. In my last weeks of pregnancy I went to All The Movies because I loved going to the movies and realized I wouldn’t be doing t hat for a while. Go to bed early and sleep late for the same reason.

    • Suburban

      Get the house cleaned and stock up the fridge/freezer.

      I know the conventional wisdom is that you can tell people not to come over-but people get super sneaky and mean! Particularly older folks won’t give a darn that you just had a baby. My mil offered to drop off Chinese food for us -ha! It turned out the wanted a sit down dinner with us. I’ll never forget my mil’s husband sitting on his fat butt as I cleared the dinner plates. He looked up and said snidely,”well, you’re moving well….” I just wasn’t there physically and was limping and half in tears. Don’t let them in! Warm up a frozen lasagna instead!

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      See all the movies. Sleep in. Go to a really nice dinner. Get a pedicure and a haircut. Arrange a photographer to come take baby and family photos sometime around the 3 month mark. And enjoy!

    • H

      When my baby was born, several nurses asked me if I had a pump already. I did not anticipate that since I was planning on breastfeeding but sometimes issues come up and you need to pump. You can rent ones from the hospital but you might want to go ahead and get a pump for home.

      • Mrs. Jones

        This is a great idea. Son wouldn’t breastfeed at first so I was stuck pumping for a month.

    • Edna Mazur

      Go to a really nice dinner with just you and your husband/partner and make an event of it! Spend more than you normally would, dress up, and go to a place you normally wouldn’t. Order mocktails/cocktails, apps, entrees, desserts, linger. Make it an event.

      My sister-in-law advised us to do this and every time we drive by that place we smile and remember it as our last big fancy meal as a family of two.

    • Anonymous

      Go on a date (or two, or three!) with your SO :)

      Hang out with your childless friends who may be reluctant to spend time with you postpartum (sad, but I’ve found true).

    • Ms B

      New bathrobe, warm nighttime clothes (all stretchy, soft and machine washable), and slippers – odds are that you are going to be awake in the single digit hours of the night a lot.

      Make and freeze portioned meals now for later.. I lost so much weight during my “leave” (in quotes because I went back to work PT after three weeks) because I did not have food in the house or time to shop.

      Download shows for while you are nursing. I watched all of The Big C while The Kid got fed.

      If you have the space, stock up on paper towels, TP, Kleenex, laundry and dish detergent etc. so that you do not have to buy any of that stuff in the first few weeks (or even months).

  11. Email Ettiqit Survey

    What salutation do you when you are sending a casual email to an internal list-serve? In my case there is no saleswomanship necessary, but I am still contacting people I’ve never met.

    I’ve been using “Hello everyone,” but I find the lower case so visually jarring. Organization-wide announcements generally don’t have salutations, but everyone treats those as spam.

    • Anonymous

      I use “hi, all,” or “good morning/afternoon” depending on which listserv I use.

      • Anon

        Question – why the comma between hi and all?

        “Hi, all” vs.
        “Hi all,”

        I’d put one after all and not have one before but seeing “hi, all” twice here has me wondering if I’m doing something wrong.

          • Pompom

            I do “Hello, All. [enter, then begin]”

            More like an opening sentence as opposed to a salutation line.

          • Anonymous

            But it isn’t an opening sentence and is a salutation/greeting. That comma is in a weird place (to me).

        • Sloan Sabbith

          It ends up looking like this in practice
          “Hi, all-

          Words”

          Or
          “Hello, everyone:

          Words”

          So it’s still a one comma situation and I write it the way I say it, which is with a pause between hi and all.

          • nona

            But that’s not how you do a salutation in a letter (Dear madam, ), which is the style an email is pulling from, right?

            And I would challenge the idea that there is actually a pause between those words, if you were to say them out loud.

            Basically – the comma goes after the greeting, before you start in on the body of the letter/email. So this looks weird.

          • Pompom

            Sure. But most of the time, a multi-recipient email is inherently less formal than a business letter. Thus the more casual punctuation and word choice.

          • Anon

            That’s what I was going to say. I still don’t get it. If I were writing Jane a letter, I’d say “Dear Jane,” not “Dear, Jane”

          • Pompom

            Right, because “Dear, Jane” doesn’t make sense. Dear modifies Jane. “Hello, Kathryn.” is a full sentence and works as an informal address in email, which is inherently less formal than a letter.

            Maybe it’s just my world, but business formal letters normally use a colon rather than a comma to set off the salutation line. Dear Mr. Colins: versus Dear Mom, indicate formality in another subtle way, right? Am I nuts? ;-)

          • Anon

            Okay, take away the Dear Jane example and replace it with Hi Jane. I’d still say “Hi Jane,” not “Hi, Jane”
            Maybe I’m dense, but the comma between the two looks so strange to me.

          • Anonymous

            “My dearest, Angelica,” and “My dearest Angelica,” are two very different things.

          • Anon

            But dear is a different greeting! It’s not the same situation, like Anonymous @ 12:23 points out.

        • Anonymous

          It’s weird to me too. But a lot of people do it. I also find it weird when people send me an email thanking me and say “Thanks, Jane.” I would say “Thanks Jane.”

          • Anon

            Thanks, Jane is too easily mistaken for

            Thanks,
            Jane

            Like a signature. Particularly when read on a device that condenses paragraphs.

          • Pompom

            Also, the closing punctuation after “Thanks, Jane.” makes it clear that you are addressing Jane. Punctuation directs traffic! Do you sign things:
            “Thanks,
            Jane.” ?
            Probably not.

          • Senior Attorney

            Except if I’m Jane I’m not going to think that you’re Jane.

    • Anon

      I agree. The lower case bugs me too, so sometimes I’ll just say “hello.” That still feels weird to me, but I haven’t come up with anything better.

  12. turks and caicos!

    Thanks so much to everyone who responded to my last-minute vacation thread yesterday…we booked a trip to Grace Bay, Turks and Caicos and are really looking forward to it!

    For those who have been, do you have any particular suggestions about things to do or avoid doing? (Restaurants, tour operators, whatever). I imagine we’ll mostly be relaxing on the beach but could use some supplementary advice.

    • Anonymous

      can I ask, how much did the hotel end up costing? is it all-inclusive? and what did you pay for flights?

      • turks and caicos!

        Sure, we paid a bit under $600 nonstop from JFK for the flight (per person).

        The resort is not all-inclusive (it has breakfast) and after an Orbitz coupon was $175 a night including tax.

    • S in Chicago

      Favorite restaurants (book CoCo ahead if you can): Co Co Bistro, Coyaba. For casual, Hemmingway’s. Bring a raft with you for the ocean (there are stores but it’s just much easier and cheaper). Go snorkeling–any dive group will be good and the views are AMAZING. Iguana island trip is a nice one that gives a good mix of seeing some of the non-tourist islands and also having some time to play in the water. Avoid the Conch museum (super boring). Go for all the rum-flavored icecream. If you have any interest in getting a dog in the near future, find out about their puppy potcake program. Truly desperate situation and the absolute sweetest little pups.

      • turks and caicos!

        Thank you for these awesome tips. I really appreciate them…except for the puppy thing, as I have been trying to stop myself from getting a dog, and this may force me over the edge, so I have very mixed feelings about this information! :)

    • NYCer

      I second the Coco Bistro recommendation. Somewhere Bar is also a good casual spot (right on Grace Bay).

      I also definitely recommend doing a half day snorkeling / conch boat excursion. They pick you up in a boat on the beach and drop you off when it is done. Your hotel will have all the info.

  13. AnonChi

    Can anyone recommend a good quality mate lipstick, or lip stain for office wear? I am thinking red or berry. Thanks!

    • Mrs. Jones

      I use Bobbi Brown Luxe Lip Color, and it’s matte but not drying. I have neutral rose which is probably not the color you’re looking for.

    • M.S.

      I’m a big fan of Kat Von D’s liquid lipstick. It lasts ALL day, even though multiple coffees and lunch. I am partial to the Lolita II (Warm terra cotta) and Bauhau5 (a raspberry), but Outlaw is a nice brick red if you’re looking for something punchier.

      If you don’t want something as matte, I recommend Glossier’s Generation G lipstick, or NYX semi matte lip creams.

      • Triangle Pose

        Have you tried Colourpop’s liquid lipstick? I like the Kat Von D I tried at Sephora but colourpop is way less expensive and I can’t find a difference. Am I missing something?

        • M.S.

          I do have a few tubes of Colourpop, but I HATE the texture. It globs up, and dries out, and bleeds all over my skin. It is not kiss proof, either. YMMV, though.

        • AnonAM

          Depends which formula and when you go it! The original Ultra Matte’s from Colourpop were sooo drying. The new Ultra Matte and Ultra Satins are a vast improvement.

        • Tech Comm Geek

          I love the Colourpop colors but they will NOT stay put. Like I won’t even gift this to my niece for dress up wear because it just keeps ending up on my hands, my teeth, my sleeve.

    • Shopaholic

      Depending on how matte you want to go – I like the Stila liquid lipsticks. Although I find the colours I like are a bit dark for the office.

      I’ve recently had luck with glossier lipsticks that do end up being a bit of a stain – there’s a burberry one I really like.

      my best advice would be to use the Sephora app to “try on” colours and then go to the store and try on the best options in person. I’m really particular with what I wear during the day (I want just enough colour but nothing too bright/dark) and I find it really hard to find the right lipstick for work.

    • Anon

      From a rec from someone else on this site, Wet n Wild catsuit liquid matte lipstick in berry recognize. It’s awesome, stays on forever and cheap. I also love the coral temptation shade. I get tons of compliments.

    • Anon

      This isn’t really a lipstick or a stain, exactly, but I like the nars velvet matte lip pencils. Very matte and good staying power.

      • Cosign.

        I love the texture and look of these, though they don’t stay that well on me (YMMV, obviously, and I do find that lip primer–I use Bite’s–helps). Red Square (I think…the pencil is at home, and I’m just perusing the colors online now) is a great bright red on my actual lips, though the packaging looks relatively subdued, and Dolce Vita is my perfect “my lips but better” color.

        For staying power on me, I really like Bite Beauty’s Amuse Bouche lipstick. They call it satin, but it may be matte enough for you. Radish (magenta) is my favorite, but perusing Sephora, they have a bunch of red and berry options.

    • Tech Comm Geek

      I am in love with the NYX Epic Ink lip stains. Great coverage, very light, I forget I’m wearing it. I have to reapply after eating, but I can live with that for $7 each. Adding the NYX lip primer has helped with some patchiness due to my lip texture (eczema is a pain).

      I have the best luck with applying it and then being careful to breath through my mouth for a minute or two.

      When I’m splurging, I love the Stila liquid lipsticks.

    • Senior Attorney

      I really like the Revlon Colorstay, which comes in a few different formulas including lipstick and some more liquid lip stain-type things.

    • EM84

      MACs matte lipstick range. I also like red lipsticks from Maybelline – although not matte, they have a nice, subtle finish (nonsparkling) and they do not dry your lips.

    • naijamodel

      You can’t find it everywhere, but Milani Amore Matte. It’s a drugstore brand that you can find in Walmart too – in areas with a diverse population. The colors are punchy. I have 4/5 and I always get compliments on them. Plus you can’t beat under $10 for a lipstain. It lasts me about 6 hours without reapplication. About as dry as any other matte lipstain.

  14. Carrots

    Booking air travel for a key note speaker at a conference this summer. For those who have done this, do you put your information down for primary contact or theirs?

      • Carrots

        Thanks! There’s no place for secondary, but I was able to email myself the itinerary and my email for the billing email, so I at least have all the information and numbers.

    • EventProf

      Speaker’s info. That way they get notifications straight away if there is a delay/cancellation and don’t have a middleman relaying the information more slowly to them when minutes count to find another option. If there is secondary field, use that for your information.

  16. Bake Sale

    Ladies who’ve participated in or organized bake sales, what tips can you share? I’m now in charge of one for church (I’m that lady who’s always baking things), but I haven’t been around a bake sale since my mom was in charge of one for my 6th grade class! haha

    We’re doing this in conjunction with a big community event, so we’ll have a captive audience. Any tips on organizing volunteers and bakers, what sells well, how to package items, etc, appreciated!

    • TorontoNewbie

      Check out Nigella Lawson – How to Be A Domestic Goddess. There’s a line in there that talks about how bake sales need two types of products – cute ones that have high per-unit prices and then sheet cakes/brownies/etc that can be sliced up easily. She might have more tidbits.

    • Anon

      Package items in individual servings and have the kids sell them. My daughter’s sports team did this. People like to buy from kids. And individual servings are much easier as an impulse buy than a whole cake.

      Instead of asking $1 per piece, ask for “whatever you think is fair”. They got at least $1 per piece and often $5 per piece. I was amazed at how much money they raised – enough for new uniforms in a single bake sale.

    • AnonZ

      This takes extra coordination but might be an option if you are concerned about having enough stuff or just want something fun to do…

      I participated in a “Baking Night Out” to help prep for a bake sale. We each chipped in $25 for ingredients (and wine), cute packaging supplies, and to cover the cost of renting a commercial kitchen for a few hours. There were ~10 of us, coordinated by a friend who was an excellent baker. She picked out several recipes and got all the ingredients, and then we baked and decorated and packaged! It was so fun and we made a bunch of stuff, and it felt much lower pressure for those of us who were not experienced bakers. With fewer people, you could also do this in a kind person’s home kitchen.

      • Bake Sale

        We have the church kitchen with two commercial ovens and lots of counter space, so this is a great idea, thank you!

  17. R.V.

    Graduation gift ideas. My son is getting ready to go to college. His best friend has been living with us for almost a year after being kicked out of his home (bad stepdad). He is heading to the army so he can’t take many possessions. I looked for some kind of dog tags with brother sayings for both of them but nothing seemed right. Any idea for a small gift for both of them kind of acknowledging they are going separate ways?

    • Clarissa

      Poor kid. Pictures do a lot of those of us active duty. Of course he’ll have a phone or computer with old pics, but I would let them plan a day together (maybe an amusement park for old times’ sake) and make sure there’s a great candid picture of the two of them together. Make sure he has the digital, but also frame it for him for later.

    • venti LulaRoe and a Pandora bracelet

      You’re a kind family to take that kid in. (bad stepdads remaining in the picture at the expense of the kids make me so sad/furious). Kudos to you for stepping up and being “the village.”

      Etsy metal wallet card?
      dude ring?
      cuff links (far away but linked at heart)
      funny socks with inside joke
      same magazine subscription (something comforting about reading the same thing in different places)
      luggage tags

    • Bonnie

      He will not be able to wear decorative dog tags. Maybe get them matching durable watches?

    • Anonymous

      Matching watches with something engraved on the back? Your son might have suggestions. I would go with something waterproof etc so they can wear it frequently.

      • R.V.

        Oh I like the picture frame idea, that can be engraved. We did a big vacation over spring break together and there are great photos from that! Thank you all for the ideas!

        • Anonymous

          Ummmmm…. nice in theory, but…. he certainly wont bring that with him. Engraved picture frame is what you give your Mother-in-law…. and she puts it in the guest room.

          The engraved, functional watches that he could use in the service sounds like a wonderful gift for them both.

          • Anon

            Yeah, I don’t think that’s what teenage boys are going to love, unfortunately.

          • R.V.

            Yeah. Probably. I feel like anything that has the sentimental feel I am going for will be dorky. Watch. Okay. This is why I need the hive!

    • Anon

      I’m prior military and I concur that he won’t be allowed to wear decorative dog tags. A durable sports watch with something engraved on the back will be so useful and stay with him for years! Make sure the watch has a little button to light up at night – that was the number one feature I used to look for in my watches. You’re always training out in the woods at night in the dark, but you still have to be on time on the objective. The second most important feature was a plastic band – fabric/nylon bands get funky from sweat and dirt.

      • CX

        Dive watches seems to be popular among the service members I’ve known/worked with.

    • Senior Attorney

      And the very best thing you can do is to write to him regularly while he is gone. Military service is hard and lonely and he will need all the homefront support he can get.

      When one of my son’s friends was injured during basic training we organized a letter-writing party: supplied note cards and pens and all the friends wrote encouraging notes to the injured recruit. It meant the world to him! Just an idea to keep in your back pocket in the event it becomes appropriate.

    • Anon

      A gift certificate for a really nice restaurant meal when he finishes boot camp. Like a steakhouse or something. My nephew is in Marines basic training (or whatever tthey call it) right now and all of his letters are about the food he can’t wait to eat.

        • Senior Attorney

          And yeah, food. When we went to my son’s boot camp graduation all we did all weekend was watch him eat! It was hilarious!

        • Anon

          His address for mail is one of the most complicated addresses I’ve ever used. On that he is RCT, for recruit I think.

    • In House Lobbyist

      I would get him a gas card or airline gift certificate. Assuming he’s heading to boot camp, he probably shouldn’t bring anything with him and it sounds like he doesn’t have a place to store possessions long term. Anything sentimental is likely to be lost or stolen living in the barracks and moving around a lot. I would suggest concentrated efforts to send care packages and letters. Signed – former Marine wife.

  18. Vent

    This is just a vent. I hate navigating the death trap of the roadways where I’ve been living the last couple of years. I’ve lived in busy places before but because they are busy they have good infrastructure and lots of stop lights and well planned road patterns. I’ve also lived somewhere rural that didn’t have a stoplight but there were so few people on the road it didn’t matter.

    Now I live somewhere that used to be pretty rural / sparsely populated but that has now blown up into a busy metropolis. Now there are 50 MPH back roads (not limited access highways) with people regularly going 60+ crossing roads that just have stop signs instead of stop lights. There are also businesses off of these roads. So, to go to the pharmacy for example – when I leave I have to pull out and make a left hand turn across two lanes of traffic going 50+. If I do take the limited access highway, my exit takes me to the same 50+ back road where I then have to turn left without a stop light, just a stop sign. Did I mention it’s on a curve too? I can’t win at this intersection. If I play it safe and wait for a clear break in traffic, I get honked at as the cars line up behind me. If I see a possible break (the kind the people behind me want me to take) and go for it, I often get honked at by the car that has to slow down to let me in. Or, it doesn’t slow down and rides right up onto my bumper angry.

    It’s really not stressing me out as bad as it sounds here. I just had a rough commute in this morning. I’m really hoping the city realizes it has outgrown its traffic system soon and fixes it up. Money is tight here like in most states. I really think there will need to be a fatality before they do anything to fix it. There have been countless accidents but thankfully none of the fatal variety.

    • Honkytonk

      You’re just going to have to learn to live with the honks as a part of your morning commute. Pick your poison, get a honk, and move on. It’s nothing personal.

      • Anon

        This helps. Thanks. I’ve been second guessing myself a lot. I just need to make my decisions (go or wait) and own them.

    • No Problem

      Have you contacted your local government about this? Most tend to be reasonably responsive to constituent concerns such as these. Even if they don’t have money now for major upgrades, complaints can move it to the top of the list. They also might be able to focus some speed traps in that area or implement other low-cost safety measures (better signage, etc.).

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        Municipalities really do respond to complaints about this sort of thing. At a minimum they will put traffic officers at the sites of the most egregious violations.

        • ELS

          +2. Local government attorney here. Please talk to your planning department or local elected official!

      • Godzilla

        Also, consider contacting your state’s Department of Transportation or regional Metropolitan Planning Organization.

    • Anon

      Maybe start getting involved in local politics and advocate for improved traffic planning? I’m sorry. Your description really reminds me of living in Texas. I moved and am now on the east coast and one of the things that is a huge relief for me is the improved traffic/street planning. I was literally terrified to drive back in TX.

        • Anon

          Nope! And I hate driving in VA, too. I often joke that if I ever moved back to TX I’ll get a hummer.

      • Anon

        I have considered this but I live in town A, drive through town B and work in town C. The worst issues are in town B. I’m not sure I’d have any say in town B since I don’t live or work there. I did briefly get a chance, through my work, to work on a project with some town officials in town B. The problems weren’t quite as bad yet but I had mentioned how dangerous the highway exit had become and asked whether there was stoplight in future planning. I guess they had a survey done about how the stoplight would make matters worse so it was going to stay as is as of that time.

    • Southeast anon

      Ignore the people honking. Too many drivers aren’t watching the road at all – if someone has to slow down to let me in, I don’t pull out. Chances are too high that they are not be paying attention.

    • Anon

      Absolutely do NOT jeopardize your own safety because someone else is honking. People can be rude all they want – it’s your LIFE we’re talking about here. Cars are dangerous and people consistently underestimate that.

  19. Audiobooks

    Does anyone have recommendations for great audiobooks? I’m facing a lot of time in the car soon and I’m open to basically anything with a good narrator!

    • Bonnie

      It’s an older one but Where’d you go Bernadette had me laughing for hours.

    • venti LulaRoe and a Pandora bracelet

      I just listened to “the not so perfect life” by Sophie Kinsella. Chick lit at its finest. Also have enjoyed Sophie’s Key, the Nightengale, Commonwealth, 5 Second Rule, Handmaiden’s Tale, Love Lives Here, Daring Greatly, Big Magic.

      If you’re an Amazon prime-r, there’s also several free audiobooks under the “channels” section of audible.

        • Anon

          For those who like The Goldfinch, I recently read Donna Tartt’s first book, A Secret History, and loved loved loved it.

          Other recent reads:
          Lady Chatterley’s Lover – I had never read it in college, and I was curious. I found it tedious but it was amusing to see what was considered “obscene” back in the day.

          Midnight in Peking – historical true crime

          109 East Palace by Jennet Conant, about the history of Los Alamos and the Manhattan Project – great read

          I also recommend the REI Shimura series by Sujata Massey – a little old now, but great if you love female-centric detective novels.

    • Anondc

      This might not be for you/everyone but I’ve been loving ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k’ By Mark Manson

    • Pompom

      Not an audio book per se…but My Dad Wrote a P0rn0 is a podcast that kept me and my husband company for 15ish hours on a road trip. Almost drove off the road laugh crying several times. Obviously, per the title, NSFW or kids.

    • Annony

      I don’t know if you’re a fan but a friend recommended Alan Cumming reading his memoir. I could listen to that man read the phone book and I hear the book is excellent

    • AIMS

      If you haven’t read Harry Potter or wouldn’t mind “re-reading,” the audiobooks are fantastic.

    • Anonymous

      I also have a lot of car time, and listen to audiobooks. I find that a book I may like to traditionally read, I may not like on audio because the narrator makes such a big difference.

      Some of my favorite audio books where I enjoyed both the book and the narrator include:

      The Handmaid’s Tale (Claire Danes does a great job narrating)
      Bossy Pants (Tina Fey narrates and is hilarious)
      The Girl With All the Gifts (a bit different than my usual tastes, but I ended up continuing to listen to it after I got out of the car because I was hooked)
      Never Split the Difference (a book about negotiating, interesting)

    • Jules

      The audio versions of the Millennium Trilogy (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, etc.) are fantastic.

      I love all of the Dublin murder squad books by Tana French. The Likeness is maybe my favorite; I’m just finishing the most recent, The Trespass (or the Trespasser? I can’t remember); the female narrator is excellent. You don’t have to read them in order.

      I am about halfway through Underground Airlines (alternate reality/thriller with interesting social themes – the Civil War never happened, there was a compromise and slavery still exists in four states in the otherwise modern US); I gave it to my college-age son for a road trip and he loved it.

      I just did a road trip with my mom and we listened to mostly short stories, including some of Garrison Keillor and the Lake Wobegon stories. Very lovely, and kind of soothing. She also brought along some Maeve Binchy stories, which were better than I expected.

      And on the dark-ish side, try the novels of Jo Nesbo. The Harry Hole series is his most famous; again, you don’t have to read them in order, although some things in his personal story make more sense if you do. I recently finished a stand-along book, The Son, and it was very good, but dark and somewhat violent.

      I also liked Where’d You go Bernadette? and Maria Semple’s latest, Today Will be Different.

      And I agree that the Jim Dale-narrated Harry Potter books are wonderful, if you like that sort of thing.

    • Macademia

      Code Name Verity was really good. A couple of years ago I listened to Anne of Green Gables. The Harry Potter books are fantastic to listen to, even if you have read them.

    • Jules

      My long reply got lost in space. Some recs (without the detail I had earlier):

      Underground Airlines

      Any of the Dublin murder squad detective novels by Tana French; the most recent, The Trespasser (or The Trespass) is great.

      Stieg Larsson’s Millennium trilogy (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, etc.), but not the follow-up written by someone else, it’s dreadful.

      Anything by Jo Nesbo, if you don’t mind dark and somewhat violent. I just finished The Son, liked it a lot.

      On the opposite end of the spectrum, anything by Garrison Keillor; his voice is so warm and intelligent and soothing.

      And + 1 to the Jim Dale-narrated Harry Potter books and Where’d You go Bernadette? (and Maria Semple’s latest, Today will be Different).

    • Ace

      Currently listening to Trevor Noah’s book and WOW. I was somewhat neutral on him prior to starting and only knew him from the Daily Show (he’s no Jon Stewart & I didn’t love his election coverage). But he has led a fascinating life and it’s shocking to hear about the conditions in South Africa in recent memory from someone who lived there. The recording is particularly good & I think I’m enjoying the audio version more than I would the book.

  20. Torin

    What is your favorite BB cream?

    I’m looking for one with at least SPF 30, preferably in a physical sunscreen. I’m really, really pale, and most foundation is too dark for me, so am concerned that the BB cream be extremely light in tint. Also, not too expensive.

    • Anonymous

      I am also very pale and have had better luck finding the correct shade in tinted moisturizer than with BB or CC creams. Right now I am using NARS tinted moisturizer, which is a combination chemical and physical block with SPF 30. I haven’t found anything in the right shade with only physical sunscreen. I layer real sunscreen under the tinted moisturizer because I don’t think the amount of tinted moisturizer I am willing to use really provides sufficient SPF.

    • Anon

      I’m also really pale with pink undertones and I love Dior Nudeskin BB cream (buy from Sephora and then you can return if it doesn’t work for you). I wouldn’t bother trying to find a BB cream with SPF 30 in a physical sunscreen. I have similar requirements and I instead just put on Keys Solar Rx Moisturizer with Sunscreen (SPF 30, 20% concentration of uncoated zinc oxide), and then apply the BB cream on top. I get the Keys on Amazon.

      Definitely use a foundation brush for the BB cream (I use one from Sephora). It makes a huge difference in the application. I like that this BB cream evens out my skin tone and covers my redness, but it’s still sheer enough that you can see my freckles. For work, I set it with Laura Mercier pressed powder (search Sephora’s website for “air brush” and then make sure you sort of stipple it on rather than painting it on like the BB cream).

      • Anon

        I posted below. Same, I use a brush to apply. The brush I use is softer and I don’t stipple. The exact brush is Tarte Airbrush Finish Bamboo Foundation Brush. I love it. I own two (one for home, one for my travel bag) and should probably get a third for my work bag.

    • AIMS

      Bobby Brown. It’s not cheap (~$45) but lasts me a long time and is very natural on/good SPF/doesn’t irritate my skin. FWIW, I’m pretty pale and I use “Fair.”

    • Bonnie

      I like Tarte’s BB cream. It’s SPF 30 and comes in a very light color. It’s not cheap but it’s so much better than the drug store alternatives I’ve tried. If you go to Sephora, you can get a free sample to try out for a while.

    • AEK

      The Physician’s Formula Organic Wear tinted moisturizer (basically a BB) is great for my skin. I don’t care about the “organic” part necessarily but the regular ones have a peachy tone that doesn’t suit me.

    • Cornellian

      Dr Jartt’s BB Cream is great on my very fair (but neutral-ish, not pinky) skin.

      • Cornellian

        Wanted to add: it’s only physical sunscreen. It goes on a bit blue/gray (like all physical sunscreens) but warms up in a few minutes. I’m not sure how that works, but by the time I’m out the door it looks great.

        You didn’t ask, but I refresh with Dr. Gross’s physical sunscreen spray if I”m stepping out at lunch/commuting home while the sun is up.

      • Need to pick a permanent handle

        Agree. I’m very pale (the lightest Armani foundation color they make, can’t even wear some foundation brands because they don’t make a light enough color) and Dr. Jart’s is the best easy to find brand. The Korean brands are really just the best. My favorite is Hanyul in Color 1 but it’s really hard to find. It’s seriously perfect – great color, great SPF (I still layer it over an SPF, also Hanyul).

      • Miss

        I like Dr Jartt too. I get the gold bottle. I’m very very pale and the light color and spf work for me.

    • Anon

      Diorskin, hands down. Shade 1 goes on light but settles in to a natural skin tone on me (I, pale but not the palest you’ve ever seen). Make sure you let any bb settle a bit before you pick a shade.

    • June

      Dr. Jart BB cream is the best I have found, but I am still looking for the holy grail.

      Boscia previously was my favorite, but it is too dark for me unless it is the end of the summer and I have gotten some sun.

      It is not BB cream, but I also use Bare Minerals tinted gel moisturizer and like how it is lighter-feeling than most BB creams.

    • Anonymous

      I use Smashbox CC cream. It has SPF in it. I’m extremely pale and the colour is perfect. I really like the formula too.

    • Anon

      Not a BB cream, but it’s what my derm recommended when I asked her. Elta MD tinted moisturizer.

    • Anon

      I am super pale with pink undertones, can only wear mineral sunscreen because the chemical kind makes my psoriasis flare. I usually just use my neutrogena healthy defense moisturizer SPF 50 sensitive skin and then the neutrogena mineral pressed powder (natural ivory) on a daily basis. But when I was wedding prepping and cared more (more candid photos – avoid sunscreen in makeup for professional photos to reduce the ghost effect), I found that IT cosmetics CC cream in fair (with their setting powder) worked well and I recently tried the bare minerals complexion rescue tinted hydrating gel cream in Opal (01) with their mineral veil and it was good. For my wedding makeup (not a BB/CC cream) I went with Bobbi Brown stick foundation (because it was the only one pale enough and pink enough – a lot of the pale shades tint yellow on me) and smashbox powder.

    • assistant professor

      I’ll just look it up on beautypedia for BB cream and see if ingredients are right.

    • Anomnibus

      I’ve been using Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream for a long time, I love it!

  21. Travel to Laos?

    Travel question for you ladies:

    I’m considering a trip to Laos (and probable follow-on beach in Thailand) this Autumn. I know a few people have been there. Any tips? We are looking at the Gibbon Experience, but the recent accident there kind of freaked me out. Has anyone been there and care to comment on the safety? I know it’s Southeast Asia, so it’s relative.
    What about Plain of Jars? Worth the side trip? Slow boat or fast boat on the Mekong? I am tall, and everything I’ve read about the fast boats say they’re dangerous, horribly loud, and cramped, but I can’t tell how much is just because the travel bloggers are trying to make everything extra-dramatic.

    • Wanderlust

      The slow boat is…not the best. It’s open air, so there’s no air conditioning and it can be muggy (or cold, depending on when you go). It takes ~24 hours, if I recall correctly.

      Overall Laos is a wonderful country, although in some places tourists are a foreign concept. Luang Prabang was my favorite city, and probably the most acquainted to tourists. The restaurant Tamarind is amazing.

      If you go to Chiang Mai, do not go to the Mae Rim Tiger Kingdom. We went and were appalled at how poorly the animals were treated.

      • Anonymous

        Tiger “sanctuaries” in Thailand are widely known to be horrible for the animals. If there’s an ethical one, I haven’t heard of it – which makes sense because people can’t really interact with tigers safely unless the animals are dr*gged. On the other hand, there are lots of places you can meet elephants ethically, the most famous and legit of which is Elephant Nature Park also near Chiang Mai.

    • Anon

      Check out the blog The Happy Talent – she just wrote something about doing a luxury slow boat cruise on the Mekong that was evidently way better than the crowded tourist boat.

    • LAnon

      I loved Laos! As some people call it Lao Please Don’t Rush. (A play on its official name, Lao PDR). It is very safe – I felt much safer there than in Thailand. It’s a very quiet country, thanks in large part to the authoritarian government. It’s a one-party communist country, but one that will be very warm and gracious in accepting your tourist dollars.

      Luang Prabang is the most touristy town but also the most pleasant – I was there as a broke backpacker and was so happy with the cheap vegetarian buffets at the night market. Lots of beautiful temples and some waterfalls a ways out of town that you can hire a tuk-tuk to take you to for the day. Go to Utopia and lounge around for the day.

      The slow boat is… slow. It’s a two-day trip with an overnight stop in a tiny town (Pak Beng) that is mostly guesthouses serving the slow boat. I liked the slow boat, just going along gazing at the passing riverside. You definitely need an extra seat cushion and there’s not much space to move around, but if you want to sort of zone out and contemplate life for a couple days, slow boat is the way to go. We heard all the reports of fast boats crashing, thought they were exaggerated… and then slowly floated past a fast boat that was loading all its occupants onto another boat, not sure if it actually crashed or just broke or what.

      I didn’t go to the Plane of Jars; we spent a few days in Vientiane awaiting visas into Vietnam and then took a bus to Hanoi. Vientiane was not a must-see but we were able to entertain ourselves there for a few days by renting bikes and seeing every heritage site there.

    • Nudibranch

      On that note, if you want some enjoyable reading material, I recommend the Dr. Siri Paiboun series by Colin Cotterill. They are set in Laos. I’ve enjoyed them.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I am late but I would say a DEFINITE yes to Plain of Jars. We took tourist transport from Luang Prabang to Phonsavan, and it was *awful.* So then we just took local transport, whatever the bus is that the Lao people take, back to Vientiane, and it was so so much better. (Side note: I had some of the best Indian food I’ve ever had in Phonsavan.) We flew from Vientiane to Luang Prabang, which seemed like the most pleasant option, even though the tiny plane was a little scary.

      We took the city bus from Vientiane to Buddha Park (totally worth seeing!), and later in a failed attempt to get to the Beer Lao factory, and it was totally fine — not very intimidating, in spite of us not really knowing what we were doing. I enjoyed walking along the river and to some of the heritage sites. There was a lot of good food in Vientiane too.

      We also stayed at Ban Pako Eco Lodge in the jungle and it was lovely. Highly recommended.

      I liked Luang Prabang a LOT. I keep trying to get my dad to go there :) It had a sort of beach-town vibe, just chill and easy. Again, great food, lots to see, hiking and biking and taking boats to other places to hike… totally enjoyable.

  22. Pixie chick

    Black diamond stud earrings

    Yeah or nay for daily work wear?

    Biz casual, and I wear lots of tailored black, white and grey, with the rare jewel tone.

  23. Meg March

    I’m looking for a pair of plain black flats with good arch support, preference towards leather texture (not patent or suede) and almond-toed. Am I better off just getting inserts for my current favorites? If so, any inserts you like?

  24. Tired Mommy

    Question about leaning in at work. I work at a small govt. agency as an attorney. I recently learned that another atty that started here 3 months before me was given a promotion and $5K raise. Previously, we had been at the same level/pay. This guy totally deserves it as he has been working overtime on a large case recently, so its not about that. But, its made me realize that I have been sort of coasting all year. I have two boys at home under 4 and admittedly have not been as gung-ho after returning from my second maternity leave. However, I’m hoping this knowledge will light a fire under me to get back in the game. I’m just not sure how to go about getting/asking for the work that is going to help me stand out /get promotions. The money would be nice but we are more than fine financially. Also, our state is in the process of cutting its budget, so a pay raise at this point may be a dream deferred. My boss, the G.C. is not good at delegating work, so I have to go ask him when I want assignments that are outside the normal duties of our work here. Also its hard to know in the beginning which cases may turn out to be significant, so its not like I can ask for more of those up front. I just don’t know what else to do, other than constantly asking him for work….?

    • Anonymous

      Could you be somewhat honest with your boss? “I noticed that Bob has made such an impact/learned so much from/etc working on Project X and I’ve been inspired. I would love to take on a challenge like that. Is there anything in the pipeline that would allow me to broaden my skillset/etc.?” Show that you aren’t trying to compete with Bob or resenting his promotion.

  25. Anon

    May I just vent for a moment?

    I volunteered this past weekend to make dessert for the local men’s shelter. I asked the organizer if there were any restrictions I needed to take into account when making items. He said no, just make enough for 50 people. I made a bar cookie that used peanuts. I saw him yesterday and asked if there were enough and if they went over well, and he said they threw them out because they had peanuts and people might be allergic.

    Are you freaking kidding me?! I ASKED YOU.

    I asked him if any of the men had peanut allergies. He said they didn’t know, but they didn’t serve them just to be safe. They didn’t offer the bars to any of the men who might not have had peanut allergies. He literally threw away food I made for the homeless.

    I’m speechless. I completely understand that peanut allergies are serious, but they statistically only affect 1% of the population. If you’re running a homeless shelter and you have no nuts/no soy/no dairy/whatever restrictions, TELL YOUR VOLUNTEERS.

    • Anonymous

      As the parent of a dairy and peanut allergic child this makes me insane. People completely freak out about peanut allergies. Would never have happened with a dessert with cream. Peanuts are not a unicorn allergy. People with allergies will ask if something has whatever they are allergic to. Don’t waste perfectly good food. So frustrated for you.

      • Anonymous

        Could this be because dairy allergies are not life-threatening though? I think peanuts are deservedly a bit of a unicorn allergy, in that other food allergies/intolerances are unpleasant and potentially serious with long-term exposure but not life-threatening from one exposure.

        • Anonymous

          Non-peanut food allergies can absolutely be life-threatening. My husband has one of them. It is his responsibility to make sure he inquires about ingredients, not the rest of the world’s responsibility never to cook with the allergen.

        • Anon 11:38

          Non-peanut and non- nut allergies can absolutely be life threatening. It is a complete myth that peanut allergies are any more dangerous. Peanut reactions are slightly more likely to be more severe but that does not mean that other reactions to other allergens cannot be severe.

          I have had to give my 4 year old an epi pen because she had anaphylaxis after her daycare didn’t pay attention to which cup she was drinking from when they had a picnic outside.

          And in case you don’t believe me: ” Anaphylactic reactions to milk and egg can occur when relatively small quantities are ingested.” From http://foodallergycanada.ca/wp-content/uploads/Anaphylaxis-in-Schools-Other-Settings_3rd-Edition-Revised.pdf

          Which is endorsed by multiples leading medical assocaitions in Canada including national professional associations for Pediatrician, Family Doctors, Pharmacists, Nurses, ER Nurses etc etc.

          PLEASE do not spread misinformation.

          • Anonymous

            Ok, maybe there are other allergies that are life-threatening if you consume the food. But people who have peanut allergies can become severely ill or die just from touching peanuts or inhaling peanut dust. I still think it’s justifiable to treat peanut allergies differently.

          • Anon 11:38

            That’s also inaccurate re peanut dust.

            From the above cited document: “Parents of food-allergic children are often concerned that the odour or smell of a particular food such as peanut butter will cause a life-threatening or anaphylactic reaction. It is the protein in a food which causes an allergic reaction and inhalation of airborne peanut protein can cause reactions, though usually not anaphylaxis.
            The odour alone has not been shown to cause an anaphylactic reaction as the smell does not contain the protein”

            Further:
            “Airborne exposure is a controversial subject. There is no evidence that peanut or tree nut particles or dust become airborne and can be inhaled, triggering a reaction. One study has shown that peanut butter vapors cannot trigger a reaction (no protein content) and two studies have shown that peanut dust is undetectable in the air. What likely happens is that the dust rapidly settles and persons unknowingly get the particles on their hands, which then come into contact with mucus membranes (e.g., finger-to-mouth contamination). – See more at: http://www.foodallergyawareness.org/foodallergy/anaphylaxis-2/anaphylaxis-2/#sthash.9YWvJTYJ.dpuf

            I’m not aware of documented cases of airborne anaphylaxis for peanut. It is possible (although exceptionally rare) for fish/seafood because of how those proteins are transmitted with airborne. A much bigger risk is asthma if also present with an allergy, either food or environmental.

            As I noted, my child has both a dairy and peanut allergy. I take peanut seriously as well but the unnecessary and inaccurate hysteria over peanuts only serves to stigmatize allergic children (exclusionary seating arrangements) and causes situations like OP posted about which was a complete waste of food and OP’s time.

    • Anonymous

      That’s annoying and he should have told you when you specifically asked about restrictions. That said, it is one of the most common food allergies and very easily avoided (unlike something like gluten, which is in just about everything unless you specifically seek out more expensive gluten-free ingredients). At this point, I think it’s kind of a no-brainer when you’re cooking a group to omit peanuts, especially if it’s a dessert where you can just take the peanuts off the ingredient list without otherwise changing the recipe.

      • Anonymous

        +1. My kid’s school has a general no-peanut policy for food brought into the classroom but other allergies only need to be accommodated if there’s a kid in the class with that allergy and even then you can bring the treat with the allergen for the other kids. So if there’s a dairy allergy you could bring cupcakes with dairy and cupcakes without dairy. But no peanuts ever.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry to hear that. I had a similar experience with my kid’s school, but much less frustrating because I bought the food and didn’t make it myself. There was a kid with peanut and nut allergies in the class, so parents were assigned by the kid’s mom (who was also the classrom mom) to purchase various peanut-free/nut-free packaged snacks for the class party. I bought several bags of expensive organic or all-natural popcorn labeled peanut-free and nut-free. The allergic child’s mother did not like the brand I chose, despite the labeling, and threw the food out. I was hopping mad because I had wasted my time and money trying to find the exact thing she had ordered me to buy.

      Don’t even get me started on the time the teacher freaked out because my daughter had dripped peanut butter (allowed in the lunchroom but not in the classroom) on her clothes, sent her to the nurse’s office to rinse out the peanut butter, humiliated her in front of the entire class, and left her to wear sopping wet clothes that still had peanut butter on them for the rest of the day.

    • AIMS

      I’m sorry. That’s absurd. I agree that I generally avoid nuts if I’m cooking for a large group where I don’t know everyone’s food issues or least try to have a nut-free alternative, but you asked and he should have said something. There is no reason to actually throw food away. He could have offered it to people with the caveat that nuts were present or he could have called you and asked if you wanted it back or something. I can understand why you are frustrated.

  26. P. Ants

    Hive – I’m looking for a higher quality classic work pant. It might be time for me to try the $200 range. I like a fitted, modern cut and I don’t like fabric that stretches out after a single wear (I’m looking at you: seemingly everything I’ve tried under $100). I’m a size 10 and more pear than anything else. TIA.

    • Cornellian

      I’m a pear-ish size 2 and love my new theory “slim crop” pants. They are way too expensive and I only have one pair but I love them.

      Just noticed that I could get a second identical pair for 207 rather than 349… tempting…

      • crash

        I really would not recommend Theory for pear shaped folks, especially if you are above size 0-2.

        As a size 4 Theory pant purchaser, I learned this lesson the hard way. This line just isn’t made for folks with curves, and tailoring the waist (needed in Theory for pears) just made the proportions worse. I wound up never wearing them.

        Thanks Nordstrom stylist for pushing me to buy those $300 pants….. What a waste.

        For pears, I might recommend Hugo Boss. See if anything goes on sale at Nordstrom’s.

        • Anon

          Really? I’m a pear and I very, very rarely wear pants, but recently bought the pants that went along with my new Theory suit because I couldn’t believe how well they fit me.

          • Cornellian

            Agreed! I’m a heavy dress user but was turned on to theory and they fit perfectly.

            Interestingly, Hugo Boss also fits me.

  27. Cookbooks

    Does anyone else have a nickel allergy? The back of the button on jeans triggers an allergic reaction. Low rise jeans were a godsend because for whatever reason, the skin a few inches lower is not as sensitive. But with all the mid and high rise jeans, what’s an easy way (I’d rather not attempt to sew anything) to mask the metal other than duct tape?

    • Anon

      nail polish? I’ve done that on earrings before. I think you can buy special paint for it, too.

    • Nickel issues

      My wedding ring (yellow gold, which is technically a mixture of gold and other metals) has given me what I think is a nickel reaction. Problem solved via clear nail polish on the inside of the ring. I generally end up with a few coats (I’ll paint it at night, let it dry off my hand overnight, wear the ring the next day, and then do another coat the next night or two in the same way to ensure full coverage). Orly’s rubber bonder basecoat works the best for me, in terms of staying power. My guess is it would work well on jeans and *might* even last through the wash–my ring is generally good for a few months, during which I wear it to do everything other than swim.

      • Not that Anne, the other Anne

        I never considered nail polish either. Periodically (usually only when the rest of me is exploding with allergies too) my white gold ring will make me have itchy bumps on that finger. When I win the lottery, I’ll replace the white gold with platinum, but until then, nail polish it is.

        Thanks for the tip!

    • Anon

      OMG MOMENT FOR ME.

      I only wear “real” jewelry due to bad reactions in the past to costume. The back of my jeans button bugs the everlovin’ crap out of me. I never put two and two together. THANK YOU for posting this!

      • Cookbooks

        I’m glad it helped! I’ve always avoided costume jewelry too, because it the itchy rash was never worth it.

  28. Cornellian

    +1 nail polish. I’ve also had luck ironing on fabric (in whatever color with that iron-on adhesive) over the back of the button. Just make sure you pick up enough of the surrounding fabric for it to stick.

    • Cookbooks

      Iron on patches is a great idea and might last longer than nail polish. I’ll give both a try. Thank you!

  29. Anon

    How to gracefully suggest a group of friends goes to a less expensive restaurant? My friend and her group have much deeper pockets than I do.

    My friend who’s organizing wants to go a family-style Italian restaurant where entrees are $30 and feed 6-8 people. When you go with a group, people start ordering with their eyes and soon you have an entree for every person…plus lots and lots of wine. The last time we did this, my bill was $65 for a glass of wine and some pasta. The friend wants to go back to the restaurant because it was so fun, which yes, it was, but I don’t want to underwrite everyone else’s meal. I don’t want to not go (I’ve had to decline too many invitations from this friend recently), but I also really don’t want to spend $65 on a meal.

    • Anon

      I think you suck it up for the friendship. Trying to split a bill based on exactly what you ate quickly becomes very petty, particularly at a family style place and when wine is bought by the bottle.

    • crash

      It’s hard. You mention to the main organizer some time that you love the outings, but it is getting rough on your budget for you. And then suggest a couple places she could keep in mind for next time.

      But honestly….. a big group going out in a major city…. You are never going to get the price point where you want.

      You do the invite? And pick the place.

      You do the invite to your place? And order pizzas as a group.

      You join the group late, and just order an App/drink separately with a separate check – I had a friend who did this all the time.

      And you decline these invitations.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, sad but true.

        I think if the invitation is to the $65 place, your options are “don’t go” or “spend $65.”

        When you organize the party you get to pick the place.

    • I hear you....

      Don’t drink any alcohol, and ask if they can pay that portion separately.

      Go to BYOB places. Suggest one.

    • Anon

      Decline the invitations to those restaurants and suggest new ones. But isn’t one entree per person pretty normal? I’d be miffed if my friend wanted me to eat less than that, regardless of the price of the restaurant.

      • AIMS

        OP said it’s family style and each entrée serves multiple people (although I have a hard time thinking one will serve 6-8, usually it’s 2-3). Anyway, I think it’s hard to change at this point but if you do want to say something because everyone orders more food than they can eat, maybe you can suggest that you order a few entrees to start and then see how it goes?

    • anon

      I would do some thorough research to come up with an appealing alternative, and then say “Hey friend, what would you think about trying Restaurant X for our next outing? The food looks amazing and I’ve been wanting to try it. And I have to admit that while Previous Restaurant was amazing, it’s a bit out of my budget for frequent visits.” And see what she says. Unless plans have already been made (i.e. reservations made, invites sent out, etc), there’s nothing the slightest bit rude about this.

    • Anonymous

      In your shoes, I’d bring lots of cash so that you can have exact change (trying to use a credit card in this scenario quickly becomes a nightmare) and then offer to put in the cost of one entree + whatever you drank + 25-30% to cover tax and gratuity. If you can’t afford this amount, then you decline, but I would think this is significantly less than $65. I think it’s hard to not foot the bill for one entree if the group has ordered one entree/person, even if they’re family style and could serve multiple people (presumably there are leftovers and you could take some home?). But I don’t believe in paying for friends who order lots of appetizers/desserts/wine I don’t consume and I’ve never had a problem just putting in cash to cover what I ordered.

      • Anonymous

        I agree that’s a good approach generally, but you can’t really do that when the food is shared like this. OP can’t very well suggest that she should pay less because she ate sooooo little like omg I can’t believe how much the rest of you ATE lol no wonder you’re all so… oh wait no I didn’t mean to go there!

        • Anonymous

          I said she should pay for one entree and she said they’re ordering “one entree per person plus lots and lots of wine.” So I don’t think she’d be putting in less money than average for the food, just less than average for the wine and I think that’s fair if she only has one glass and everyone else has three or four.

        • Anon

          That’s what I meant in the response above. It becomes petty really quickly. I think the options are
          1) go and expect to pay an equal share
          2) don’t go

    • Torin

      Agree that you either have to suck it up or decline — but when you do decline I would be explicit about why. Say that you enjoy these outings but are on a budget but that this place has proved too expensive in the past. I don’t think there’s any reason to be shy about saying that something is too expensive.

    • Anonymous

      piggybacking off of this. I am vegetarian and not a big drinker. When I go out to dinners like these with my friends, I kind of resent splitting the bill when I had one vegetarian entree and one or two glasses of wine, and everyone else got to share multiple meat/seafood dishes (appetizers and entrees) and had 2+ glasses of wine or expensive cocktails. the hard part is, I (probably) make the most money of all my friends. But I don’t like subsidizing meat and it just seems unfair to pay $60 or $70 when I ate a pasta dish and a glass or two of wine. Is it petty to bring cash and pay for exactly what I ate (including tip and tax of course)? My friends seem kind of put off when I ask to do this.

      • Ask quietly for a separate check

        What I do in this case is to quietly ask the server (at the beginning of the meal) to put my food and drink on a separate tab. This assumes that you’re not sharing food or wine with the rest of the table. If you have your own pasta dish and 2 glasses of wine, it’s entirely reasonable to pay for those on your own. Separating out your check is way easier than having to go through the rigamarole of calculating what you ate plus tax and tip and putting in cash for that.

    • Anon

      I’d rather not have someone in my group that can’t pay $65. That’s not a lot of money for dinner, and it’s just awkward if someone in the group is acting like it is. Sounds like others are happy to pay so I think you should just decline.

      • Anonymous

        $65/person is a lot of money for dinner for the majority of people. I’m in a very comfortable 6-figure household without nary a frugal bone and it’s that kind of money for dinner means it’s a considerably special occasion.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        What? That’s a lot of money. I spend that much in a week on food out.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      Why don’t you just be honest with her and say something like I’d love to go to dinner with you but money is pretty tight right now. How about we go out for happy hour on Friday? If you just want to see her that’s easy enough.

      • Cookbooks

        This is a good idea if this about spending time with the friend, especially because the way OP worded it as “my friend and her group.”

        I’ve definitely done this before when a pricey group dinner just isn’t in the budget. I suggest meeting up for a drink later instead.

    • Anomnibus

      If the woman organizing is a good friend, and someone who’d really want you there:

      “I’d love to have dinner with you guys, but I’m trying to be mindful of how much I spend when I eat out, and my share of the bill usually comes out to more than I’m comfortable paying. Would it be okay if I tag along, have a glass of wine, eat a little pasta and have the server put $X on a different bill?”

  30. onramp

    Anthro alert
    Rosella sleeveless mock turtleneck and a 3/4 sleeve T-shirt layering pieces are on sale for $30 at Anthropologie

  31. Anom

    I am looking for workout tops that have a built in shelf bra but where the cup padding is sewn in (doesn’t come out and move around). I hate how the padding comes up in wash/dryer and is a pain to put back in. Any suggestions?

    • AZCPA

      You are actually supposed to take them out when washing, according to the sales person I talked to at Lucy. When I used to be able to wear those types of tops, I would always replace the inserts far more often than the tops because they wore out/got gross, and that would be a lot harder if you had to unsew them.

      Have you tried various brands? Target ones always used to move around on me a ton, but Athleta/Lucy ones far less so.

  32. Brunette Elle Woods

    Can you sew the padding in place? You can probably just make a few stitches in a couple places. Actually, I may take my own advice this weekend! Mine always come out in the wash too.

    • Anom

      I put in a few stitches but the pads still end up getting folded in funny ways. i did four stitches per pad. Might need to do more.

  33. helja

    I put in a few stitches but the pads still end up getting folded in funny ways. i did four stitches per pad. Might need to do more.

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