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We haven't talked about how to avoid becoming an office mom in years, and The New York Times just had an interesting article on just that topic, so I thought we'd discuss.
Some core questions to consider as we begin:
- Have you ever been “voluntold” by your boss (asked to volunteer in a way you couldn't really say no to) to do work outside the strict scope of your job, such as planning a party or lunch outing? Do you consider it work that was promotable or otherwise helped your status in the company or firm?
- If you wanted to increase your visibility, or likelihood of a promotion, what kind of extra work would you volunteer for?
- If you think your office culture is heavily dependent on things like parties, lunches, birthday celebrations, “bonding,” or “mentoring” opportunities, what is your firm or company doing to distribute that work in an equitable manner (e.g., hiring someone with those tasks in their job description, paying extra for the invisible work, or coming up with a distribution system for the tasks)? (How has your office culture been doing with the rise of remote work?)
- If the above stock photo (people celebrating in an office conference room) were YOUR workplace, who would have bought the champagne? Brought the glasses to the room? Reserved the conference room? Helped the group pick a time? Ordered any other snacks to eat? Cleared the room if another group needed it soon after?
To review: The “office mom” discussions stem from a growing recognition that women get a lot more invisible labor that is, generally, not promotable work. The NYT started its article by reviewing a recent op-ed by a woman CEO who worried that the rise of remote work would be the death of office culture:
“I estimate that about 20 percent of every office job is outside one’s core responsibilities — ‘extra,’” Cathy Merrill, the C.E.O., declared in The Washington Post. “It involves helping a colleague, mentoring more junior people, celebrating someone’s birthday — things that drive office culture.” Ms. Merrill then intimated that people who worked remotely might be demoted to mere contractors for not participating in this “extra” 20 percent.
Who tends to be this office glue, holding workplace culture together with care? According to decades of academic research, it’s women. Though women make up roughly half of professional and managerial workers, they are more likely to volunteer for what’s colloquially known as “office mom” tasks, like planning parties, doing office housework or resolving an office conflict (all of which, it should be noted, can be done remotely).
Hmmn, helping colleagues and mentoring more junior people… This came up recently in another discussion we had recently, although there the author's core argument was that this work did directly lead to leadership-track things, and working mothers were overburdened and missing out on all of it. (The general consensus among readers here and at CorporetteMoms was that it was a trash article/take and that the author was wildly out of touch.)
We've also discussed “office housekeeping tasks” in this context before, whether it's being asked to take notes at every single meeting, plan parties or lunches, or do similar tasks.
The New York Times went on to note that:
Dr. Babcock studies the gender gap in these types of obligations, which she refers to as “non-promotable” tasks, because they are usually not reflected in performance evaluations. As some remote workers may return to offices in the coming months, she said, there are a few approaches employers can take to make this work more equitable: Cut down on it significantly, consciously distribute it evenly among all employees, or make it part of a person’s job description and change it from a non-promotable task into a promotable one.
For my $.02, although I've identified as an “office mom” in the past, a lot of that was more the way I presented myself. (“I definitely have a fresh band-aid and Advil with me at all times!”) While I definitely have been “voluntold” to do some work, a lot of it came from individuals in the company and not some corporate overlord.
If a higher-up you work with — let's say a very important partner — says it's a great idea to organize a lunch or dinner with the summer associates, and would you please help, you kind of jump at the chance because you'll get to be included in the VIP's close circle. (And sure, there's an unspoken fear that saying no to a task like that would generally mean probably not much more work with that partner and perhaps a vague reputation of “not being a team player.”)
On the flip side, sometimes you do the work out of friendship or collegiality, with no expectation of it boosting your career.
But it's almost never like some scene from a sitcom where, say, boss Michael keeps leaning on Pam and Angela to do his work and plan fun outings, and Pam and Angela resent it and roll their eyes and put up with it. (I don't actually think that was an episode of The Office; I'm just suggesting how it might have looked in a sitcom — that it's a clearer situation when your boss treats you like her personal assistant, for example.)
As I've gotten older and more aware and wary of concepts like invisible labor and weaponized incompetence (which we're talking about today at CorporetteMoms!), I recognize how these problems can be societal and systemic… but also so localized that it's hard to fix the problem. Also — friendship and collegiality are Good Things, right? Everyone rolls their eyes at discussions about hardening oneself to be “the bitch in business” like some villain from a 1980s movie plot. Unless it really does come back to the idea espoused by that reader-favorite business book for women, Nice Girls Still Don't Get the Corner Office (affiliate link)?
I don't know, readers, what do you think — how big of a problem do you feel like “the office mom” existence is for women in 2021? Are there parts of your office culture that “just happen” without them being part of someone's job portfolio? What would you advise a younger woman to do with regards to being an office mom — where would you draw the line in the sand?
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / gstockstudio.
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Allie
What? It’s COVID – I’m door closed, at my desk, meeting with colleagues on Teams. This is all moot for now.
Cat
Yeah this post is not particularly timely for me, either.
Honestly one of the fabulous things about WFH is that it cuts out the birthday party cr-p. I’m happy to chat with colleagues in the halls, walk out to lunch together, make small talk before the substance of a meeting starts… but no one is stuck with the labor of party planning or cleanup.
In 2019, it seemed that the junior or mid-career people (both men and women) with a reputation for being more extroverted & social were tasked with party planning, with the help of the admins of their respective managers.
bbb
It says in the post that this is something to think about as people return to the office.
Why does someone have to criticize every single post?
BeenThatGuy
I agree. It’s getting so tired to read that type of response over and over and over again. I’ve been back in the office in August 2020. Never once have I commented on a “working from home” or “clothes for the home office” post saying it wasn’t timely or relatable. We all are having different work experiences right now.
Anon
Yes. I never went remote and I’ve sat through a LOT of posts that would never apply to me.
Formerly Lilly
Agreed. I’ve been in the office, whether I like it or not, since the end of March 2020, and although I might have thought “what about meeeeeee” in response to the many, many work from home posts, I scrolled on by.
anon
not for me. i have been back at work for several months, and we are already focusing on DE&I (and in particular, women) issues as we have all returned– and this is coming to the fore more aggressively than it was prior to COVID. So I think this is really timely.
Anon
Why are we putting party-planning in the same category as mentoring colleagues?
Anon for this Judge
A self-represented litigant (male, white, Baby Boomer age) in my court just said “thanks, Dear” when I ruled in his favor.
Ugh. Men.
anon
that is insane! I am so sorry that happened to you.
Jules
Contempt of court? I’d have threatened it at least. (Easy to say as I am not a judge.) But, yes – ugh, men.
Anonymous
You’re welcome, honey?
Anon
“You’re welcome, sweetheart”
khc
Unrelated but find this community an excellent resource! I’m a divorced attorney in my mid 40s. Prior to COVID my go to “date on a work night” outfit was what I used to call ” a lady lawyer dress” (simple but form fitting sheath) and pumps. At this point after two years at home I feel that is the equivalent of white gloves and a tiara…. what are you all wearing for dates or plans after work?
anon
I’m also an attorney in my 40s and my date outfits range from skinny jeans/jeggings and a not athleisure top (usually with Chucks), to “fancy” Spanx pleather leggings and a flowy top, to a casual-ish dress. As you can see, I am very trendy lol
Anonymous
So, I feel like this has come up even working remotely. For example, administrative professionals day. My office used to take the admins out to lunch on this day (they’d go and the firm paid, none of the lawyers went/were invited). In order to plan for this, we got an email 1 month out, two weeks out, one week out and day before/day of. So, everyone was reminded that administrative professionals day was coming up and practice groups would maybe do their own thing as well – flowers, gift card, etc. now, with COVID, there’s no firm wide lunch, so no reminder emails. I personally remembered and sent my admin (who does a crap ton of stuff for me, even remote) flowers to her house. I decided that it was something I wanted to do, and I don’t want to be the default planner of these things. So I didn’t remind my practice group.
The rest of my practice group is guys, and the number of emails saying “oh crap we forgot this” and scrambling to get her an Amazon e delivery gift card were sort of funny to me. Clearly, without prompting, the men I work with the most in this office forget this stuff.
anon
So I’ve worked in two biglaw firms, made partner at the second, and am now in-house. I have never been asked, voluntold, or otherwise pushed to do this kind of stuff. Some of that is bc I worked at firms that had mechanisms in place that prevented this: my first biglaw firm had a floorwide monthly party for everyone (attorneys and staff) who had a birthday that month – if you were going to attend, you had to bring something, and all of the partners (who were all male) made a point of attending. The practice group leader’s secretary managed the sign-up sheet.
At my second biglaw firm, all of the floor/group celebrations (Thanksgiving, birthdays) were planned by the secretaries and the practice groups on the floor paid for the food/drinks/supplies. Gifts for secretaries for birthdays and Administrative Professionals Day were handled by the most junior associate on the desk (or the one with the shortest tenure if there were two of equal seniority).
Planning summer associate stuff was an expectation of all associates, regardless of gender, wherever I worked – but was also something that had real career benefits. Hiring Committee was one of the committee assignments that had the best networking potential and so people really wanted it.
anon
I would turn this on it’s head and point out that the business value of this ‘glue’ function is being more recognized these days, at least in STEM research. There are increasing numbers of positions for engagement leads, community engagement, and it’s seen as a core function of certain program manager positions.
Anon
I tried to stop a young woman at my last office from routinely washing all the dishes left in the sink by her male coworkers. She kept saying “I don’t mind” and I was trying to tell her that she should mind, and if she doesn’t mind now, she will very much mind one day when it never stops.
Anon
I don’t even organize these things in my own household, so I give a hard-pass if someone tries to ask me to organize. This is why we have team assistants. I organize gifts for my direct reports as this is a question of showing I respect and value them as workers and human beings.
Anon
I just don’t do this. I’m a young woman in a traditional male dominated field and fear that if I do this once, I’ll always have to do it so I just don’t.
Anon
Good for you, because you’re right.
Anonymous
I am the one woman among five partners at my firm. Two years ago, when the issue of what to do for a work-hours holiday party came up, I shut down the idea of a potluck by saying “No, we will have it catered. No way are we having some bulls**t “party” that involves all the women cooking for the men. You know you’ve never shown up with a dish.” And that is what happened that year and the next. On Admin Profs day this year, I woke up having no idea if anyone was doing anything. So I sent an email to the managing partner saying “I assume you’ve planned something, but want to confirm.” The answer was they had not, so I suggested they pay for the staff to go to lunch, it was handled from there without me, and they were grateful that they hadn’t committed the faux pas of missing the day, which I was tempted to let them do but really could not stomach.
Anon101
In my company (I am in-house), this is part of the expected job description of the administrative professionals for each team/dept. If someone on the team they support (or on the team of the executive they support) is having a baby or we are due for a group happy hour, etc., they are the ones organizing everything. I don’t get why this isn’t the norm at every firm and co. Is there not a single admin around?
Dee
I was once asked to “Go run and call fast” in a meeting wherein I was the only woman but not the youngest in the room. I felt humiliated as it felt like telling a kid to go run & fetch your sister…. This man took the liberty to make me feel small & inferior while he could just pick up his phone & call him, he thought it was okay to tell me to go get him. I hated him& we never worked cordially together ever after.
Dee
I was once asked to “Go run and call (the missing attendee) fast” in a meeting wherein I was the only woman but not the youngest or less experienced in the room. I felt humiliated as it felt like telling a kid to go run & fetch your sister….
This man took the liberty to make me feel small & inferior while he could just pick up his phone & call him, he thought it was okay to tell me to go get him. I hated him& we never worked cordially together ever after.