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I've shared some of my favorite online shopping tools with you already (Shop It To Me‘s addictive emails (also new: their sleek new iPad/iPhone app), Shopping Notes, and ShopSense) but I don't think I've written a few words on one of my favorite newish shopping tools: Hukkster.
Basically, you set up an account, and download a bookmarklet to your web browser. Then, as you go about your online travels, when you see a product you really like, you click the bookmarklet, and (after you sign in), you get a dialog (pictured below) asking you what size, what color, and what level of sale you want to know about (“on sale,” 25%, 50%).
Then, they send you an email if/when your size/color is on sale.
The only downsides I've seen are that a) sometimes you have to go in and “clear out” some of your old Hukks, and b) sometimes they lose the picture (for example, this lovely Joie top went on sale this morning and when I got the notification email it had no picture so I didn't know what they were talking about), but there are worse problems to have for both of them.
As I've said before, I almost never pay full price for things, so this is great for stalking them until they hit a price I prefer.
Readers, do you have any favorite new shopping tools? (In general, is there any tool that makes your life easier that you think should be featured in our semi-regular Tools of the Trade column?)
kids or no kids?
I know this has been discussed here before, but I have a slightly different take.
I’m 33, dating, nowhere near marriage, let alone kids. Even in my urban circles, people are starting to have kids (a lot later than in the rest of the country, but it’s happening), and it’s making me wonder about my choices.
I absolutely love my life. I have an awesome job, great friends/family relationships, opportunities to travel and indulge in my hobbies and cultural events and all that. I don’t see myself ever getting bored with living this kind of life.
At the same time, like many of my friends (the ones who weren’t always 100% sure about having kids), I question whether I’ll regret not making children more of a priority when I get older. I can picture my life going both ways. I see myself as a mom taking her kids to museums and on trips and being involved in their classrooms and sharing my favorite books with them.
And then I also see myself without kids. Spoiling my friends’ kids, to be sure, and maybe volunteering with kids so I’m around them in some capacity, but not having my own. It doesn’t break my heart. But it doesn’t seem right, either.
The thing is, no one who has kids regrets it… or at least, they would never say it, right? You love them and you can’t imagine your life without them. So it seems like a clear choice. I would have a lot to offer a child. But I also have a lot to offer the world that I wouldn’t be able to offer if I were spending all that time/energy raising a child. It reminds me of the Cheryl Strayed/Dear Sugar column (which slays me every time I read it):
“If I could go back in time I’d make the same choice in a snap. And yet, there remains my sister life. All the other things I could have done instead. I wouldn’t know what I couldn’t know until I became a mom, and so I’m certain there are things I don’t know because I can’t know because I did. Who would I have nurtured had I not been nurturing my two children over these past seven years? In what creative and practical forces would my love have been gathered up? What didn’t I write because I was catching my children at the bottoms of slides and spotting them as they balanced along the tops of low brick walls and pushing them endlessly in swings? What did I write because I did?”
Anyway… any thoughts on this? Is there anyone on this board willing to say that she had kids and regretted it? Or that she DIDN’T have kids and regretted it? Or willing to share how she came to the right decision for herself, even though she was conflicted about it? I’m interested to hear any and all stories.
anon
Speaking as someone who was like you at one point, but more in the “no, I don’t want them” camp, I’m very happy with that choice. I doubt you’ll get a lot of people admitting that having kids was the wrong decision. I think even if they could have had a different life, or one they would have liked better, once you commit to something so life-changing where there really isn’t any going back, you’d go crazy if you regretted it so you mentally make it “the right decision for you.” Given this, I think it’s best to really think about what life looks like for you with or without kids and what appeals the most to you at your core & really consider the pro’s and the con’s as they make sense for you. It’s fundamentally a really personal choice.
Anon
My boss was talking about this the other day and said it was a a wash – it’s a lot of work/effort/expense, but it’ll be nice when the kids are on their own and that it should be rewarding. It was refreshing to hear.
Anonymous
I will say as the product of a ‘surprise’, my mom definitely regretted having me and that stuck with me throughout most of my childhood. Not that she didn’t love me, but I could always tell that she wished her life was different. And that was rough. So, I’m clearly biased. If you’re going to have a kid, you should make sure you give it your all and if you don’t think you’re capable of that, don’t. Even if biology runs out there are always kids who need homes.
LH
Yes, I have a friend in this situation and it has really messed her up. Its far better to not have kids than to have kids and give them even the slightest hint that you regret it.
zora
I think that column you pointed out is perfect, and I still think about that column a lot. The whole point of that tho is that at the end of the day you pick one and you let the other one go and don’t dwell or regret. Because that’s life, and it happens with lots of things as we get older, you just can’t do everything sometimes you have to choose. I identify with that column a lot because I have a tendency to get paralyzed by decisions.
I am about in the same place as you but a little bit older. And I have basically done a lot of what Sugar says in that column! sit down, make lists. You say you’d be happy with both directions. But have you really visualized both of those lives and written them down and given yourself time to just mull it over? What your life would look like at 50? at 60? at 80? I am getting closer to the “i actually do want kids at some point” side, even though I have spent years not wanting to have children.
But I’m also not stressing myself out over ‘making’ one or the other happen. There are so many things you can’t control. At the moment I’ve picked only two things about my life I want to work towards changing, that I want to change for me, but would also make it more reasonable to have kids soon. But I can’t do them all at once, so I’m not worrying about it too much. (i say now, but of course sometimes late at night I do worry.)
DontBlameTheKids
This isn’t going to help at all, let me just say that upfront.
If you don’t have kids, you will probably regret it at some point. If you do have kids, you will probably regret it at some point.
If you have children, you will probably be pretty happy with your life, barring super horrible things like death. If you don’t have children, you will probably be pretty happy with your life, barring super horrible things like death.
What I’m trying to say is that there are so many paths to life. You will most likely lead a very happy, satisfying life no matter what you choose. Human beings adapt to the circumstances they find themselves in.
See? No help at all. :)
ANP
I’m with you on this. I think sometimes we get so caught up in, “What is the right choice?” that we don’t realize there are many right choices.
OP
Actually, that is very helpful :) I think it’s a great way of looking at things!
char
+1. There’s no one “right” choice for everyone. And you can’t constantly live with regret over choices not made – that’d be a miserable existence!
KLG
I think this is absolutely right.
anon
I can somewhat relate. I’m 32 and happily married, and made clear to my husband while we were dating and planning that I do not want kids and he should only proceed with that assumption. (If I ever thought differently, I’d tell him, but the deal was no kids.) Here are my reasons:
–I feel like I can barely take care of myself and manage my life as it is
–I have pretty serious depression and make people feel un-loved when I’m at my worst (how could a toddler ever deal with that from its mom?)
–I am completely non-functional when I don’t get enough sleep, which I know is the norm with young kids
–I’m extremely frightened by the idea of being pregnant and giving birth, partly because I manage my depression with intense exercise and partly because I hate the idea of totally giving over my body like that
–All of the above apply if I have a perfectly normal, healthy baby, and I know I have as good a chance as anyone that I will not–which could compound all of these problems.
I definitely think about what I will miss. The idea of adding to the family or carrying it on, the utter cuteness, the intensity of the love that would be there, the bond with my husband, and on and on. I definitely see people with their kids sometimes and feel a pang. But I am pretty sure I still shouldn’t do it. I have a friend in very similar circumstances, and I think we’re in the same place: decided, but mourning in a way. I agree that it’s much more socially acceptable to say this than to say the opposite–that you have kids but always wish for the life you’d have without them.
You might want to re-post this on the next thread for more responses.
Anonymous
Anyone on the other side of this – that is, these parameters apply but you went on to have kids anyway?
Way anon for this
I don’t think it’s at all true that nobody who has kids regrets it. I adore my children beyond all reason, but there are definitely times when I wish I’d foregone parenthood, for a variety of reasons. I know for sure that I would have been just as happy, and quite possibly happier, if I hadn’t had my kids.
So…. I am willng to say that there are definitely days when I regred being a mother. It’s not for the faint of heart, that’s for damned sure.
Anon for this
+1.
OP
Could you elaborate? What things make you wish you’d foregone parenthood? Did you know you wanted kids before you had them, or were you always ambivalent?
What freaks me out is not knowing what kind of person you’re going to get. The whole nature vs. nurture thing. Like, I can parent my heart out and if my kid has a mean streak or something, it might not go away. What if I don’t end up LIKING my own kid?
KLG
You are guaranteed to not like your kid during some phases of their development. Which stage(s) varies from kid to kid and parent to parent, but it will happen. You’ll always love them but there will be phases where you think maybe they should go spend the weekend (or the summer) with your parents or in-laws before you kill them.
DontBlameTheKids
So, so true!
Way anon for this
It’s hard, and it’s sad. Somebody once said that once you have a child, you will be forever walking around with your heart outside your body, and that’s so true. It’s not so much that I am disappointed in my kids (although they haven’t so far turned out as I’d imagined, they are basically good people) as that the whole process has been much harder and more heartbreaking, with fewer rewards, than I’d expected. And I say this as somebody who always knew I wanted kids.
I’m also divorced from their dad, which has made it about a million times harder in every way.
Anon
I sort of agree with Anon @ 2:37. I have three kids with a big age range (3, 5 and 13) and it is just HARD. There are so many decisions to make, so much to worry about all the time, they are expensive, I haven’t slept well in about 5 years.
I see one of my co-workers and his wife. They are in their late 40’s, never had kids, and are just free to travel around, go out to eat all the time, sleep in. It just seems like a happy life.
Of course, the flip side is I truly love my children and could not imagine my life without them. I honestly miss them and can’t wait to get home from work to be with them. I love going to their activities, watching them learn new skills, and watching them build their relationships with each other. I will never know if I would have regretted not having children and I certainly don’t regret my children, but I am sometimes envious of my co-worker and all his freedom.
char
I’m married and 35; I constantly got pressure from people at work about having kids. That has mostly abated and we have no plans on having kids in the future. I used to worry that I might regret it one day when it’s too late but I realized that I didn’t want the reason for having kids be that I might one day regret it. That didn’t seem like a good enough reason on its own to have kids. Of course, everyone is different but I’m pretty happy with my decision and I don’t feel like I’m going to regret it. Also, I highly doubt that you’re going to be able to get anyone to honestly admit that they regret having had kids. I doubt that an honest answer could even be that cut and dry.
E
Wow great post and great responses. I’m only 25 but I’m in a long term relationship and totally undecided about children. I don’t really want one but I always pictured myself with a family. I assume when I hit my 30’s, my ovaries will start crying for one and then I’ll end up having kids but who knows.. mostly I cant imagine the monetary expense.. I want to retire! But what good is retiring if I don’t have a family! So then I want one kid because I could afford that.. But I wouldn’t want that kid to be an only child because who else would understand the craziness of their parents better than a sibling?? And then this is probably the 25yr old in me speaking, I’m vain and don’t want it ruining my body.
I do think that if I couldn’t get pregnant, I wouldn’t try any extraordinary measures or adopt. But I also currently am not itching to have a child.
Diana Barry
FWIW, I started to have baby fever at age 28 – for some of my friends it was age 32.
NWanalyst
I think there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance associated with decisions you can’t take back. Having children, one of those decisions. My parents, for example, would say… if explicitly asked… that they’ve never regretted having children. I happen to know for a fact that they’ve regretted me, and for that matter, getting married to each other. But for the most part, they tell themselves that they have no regrets. That may be fine for them, but it instilled me with a strong belief that any child of mine would need to be 100% wanted. So far, I haven’t been at 100% for long enough to make me believe that the feeling would continue indefinitely.
Additionally, I’ve found that in my life, happiness is hard-won. When I find a thing, or a state of being, that contributes to my happiness, I tend to hold onto it and treasure it. I’ve taken risks with my happiness by taking on more than I could handle, and regretted it. When I think about children, it’s not about what everyone else is doing. It’s about the fact that I honestly don’t know if I could cope with being a full-time parent. I’ve failed at things that “everyone else can handle” before, and while much of that has to do with my disability, it’s taught me a valuable lesson: I am me. I am not that other lady who may or may not be supermom. I am me, and I need to assess decisions about my future according to what I know about myself, and my personality.
Good luck with your decision.
Diana Barry
I think there are definitely different paths you can go on. BUT, I wanted to point out your paragraphs above:
“At the same time, like many of my friends (the ones who weren’t always 100% sure about having kids), I question whether I’ll regret not making children more of a priority when I get older.
I can picture my life going both ways. I see myself as a mom taking her kids to museums and on trips and being involved in their classrooms and sharing my favorite books with them.
And then I also see myself without kids. Spoiling my friends’ kids, to be sure, and maybe volunteering with kids so I’m around them in some capacity, but not having my own. It doesn’t break my heart. But it doesn’t seem right, either.”
So although you can picture it both ways, when you think about not having kids it “doesn’t seem right” – it might be that although you love your life now, that kids may be in the background of your thoughts as something to do later, because it otherwise doesn’t sit right with you. Just something else to think about.
Ellen
Hug’s b/c I am in the same Boat! We will find men and we will MARRY and have children. Hopefully we will do what is right for us–in my case, I perfer to have home management responsibilitie’s, and can leave the work at the door. FOOEY even if I am a partner. Why should I bill 6600 hour’s this year? I should be takeing it lighter b/c I EARNED my partnership, not the obligeation to become a plow horse for the manageing partner! DOUBEL FOOEY! Beside’s, now that I am 33, my OVA are not getteing any younger, dad say’s. Tripel FOOEY!
Anon
I always thought I wanted kids but my one hang up is that I turn into a horrible person when I am tired (and I don’t mean running on no sleep, I mean like running on 5 or 6 hours of sleep). I have zero patience, lash out at people, and cannot function. A similar thing happens when I get really hungry. Right now I can manage this fairly well and be a generally pleasant person but I realize this will not be the case with a baby and I am terrified that having a baby will make me a miserable person. I am questioning if having kids would be irresponsible.
kids
I’m 35, not dating, also nowhere near marriage. I love my single life, but I do see myself getting bored and lonely someday. I plan to have a baby on my own in the next 1-2 years, before it’s too late. I can’t really say how I decided this. But I know if I reach my deathbed without having had a kid or two I would be so sad. It’s sad enough that I will probably never marry. I’ve never even come close to finding a suitable man to marry. I also will never have nieces or nephews since my only sister is even less likely than me to marry, and will definitely never have a child of her own for various reasons. I guess I feel it’s up to me to perpetuate my family because if I don’t there are only ever going to be the 4 of us and eventually only 2 of us after my mom and dad die. :-(
anon +45
A slightly older perspective … I just turned 45 & no kid. I’m happily married, & there was a brief point when we both thought we might want one but we each, separately, realized it wasn’t a big deal to us & that we were pretty satisfied with our lives, so why mess that up? We didn’t need anything else to make us happier. And we haven’t. My career has gone through ups & downs, as has my health (I survived cancer last year). But I have friends I adore, & I spend a lot of time in creative hobbies & volunteering. My husband & I purposefully have a small house we can afford to travel & see the world. I don’t know how anyone gets bored — life is so full of things to do, especially if you don’t have a baby tying you down! There’s no room for regrets, I’m too busy living, sometimes struggling, sometimes exceeding, but always doing what I’m meant to do. Not having kids doesn’t necessarily mean life is easier (anyone can get cancer, laid-off, divorced, etc.), but it does mean your life is your own, & I treasure that above anything else.
kids or no kids?
I know this has been discussed here before, but I have a slightly different take.
I’m 33, dating, nowhere near marriage, let alone kids. Even in my urban circles, people are starting to have kids (a lot later than in the rest of the country, but it’s happening), and it’s making me wonder about my choices.
I absolutely love my life. I have an awesome job, great friends/family relationships, opportunities to travel and indulge in my hobbies and cultural events and all that. I don’t see myself ever getting bored with living this kind of life.
At the same time, like many of my friends (the ones who weren’t always 100% sure about having kids), I question whether I’ll regret not making children more of a priority when I get older. I can picture my life going both ways. I see myself as a mom taking her kids to museums and on trips and being involved in their classrooms and sharing my favorite books with them.
And then I also see myself without kids. Spoiling my friends’ kids, to be sure, and maybe volunteering with kids so I’m around them in some capacity, but not having my own. It doesn’t break my heart. But it doesn’t seem right, either.
The thing is, no one who has kids regrets it… or at least, they would never say it, right? You love them and you can’t imagine your life without them. So it seems like a clear choice. I would have a lot to offer a child. But I also have a lot to offer the world that I wouldn’t be able to offer if I were spending all that time/energy raising a child. It reminds me of the Cheryl Strayed/Dear Sugar column (which slays me every time I read it):
“If I could go back in time I’d make the same choice in a snap. And yet, there remains my sister life. All the other things I could have done instead. I wouldn’t know what I couldn’t know until I became a mom, and so I’m certain there are things I don’t know because I can’t know because I did. Who would I have nurtured had I not been nurturing my two children over these past seven years? In what creative and practical forces would my love have been gathered up? What didn’t I write because I was catching my children at the bottoms of slides and spotting them as they balanced along the tops of low brick walls and pushing them endlessly in swings? What did I write because I did?”
Anyway… any thoughts on this? Is there anyone on this board willing to say that she had kids and regretted it? Or that she DIDN’T have kids and regretted it? Or willing to share how she came to the right decision for herself, even though she was conflicted about it? I’m interested to hear any and all stories.
Sydney Bristow
This looks useful. I’ll probably give it a try. The other one I’ve heard of lately is called PoachIt but I haven’t tried it yet.
ANP
I love this, but man does it sound dangerous for my wallet!
Erin @ Girl Gone Veggie
This app sounds amazing!! This would definitely be dangerous for me.
Famouscait
I have a coworker who is stonewalling her portion of a project because she’s “too busy!” and “doing two jobs here!”. (Engaging our manager in this is a non-starter, for other equally frustrating reasons.) Coworker is indeed busy and understaffed, but that’s an assessment that’s fairly applied to every functional area in my office. I don’t like to engage in the “I’m-busier-than-thou” attitude that we’ve discussed here recently, but I also don’t like somehow leaving the impression that it’s all cocktails and long lunch hours in my side of the shop either. How do you respond to such a comment when it’s not necessarily untrue, but also not a valid excuse?
M
I think you could let her know that you are similarly situated, but the work still needs to get done, by approaching the subject from a place of understanding/commiseration.
Anon
Why isn’t it a valid excuse? Maybe she is too busy, in which case perhaps you could identify a replacement for her on that project. Another option might be to discuss labor allocation – can you work 10 hours a week or something of the sort, and given that time commitment, this is what you should reasonably be expected to accomplish.
Famouscait
Imagine coworker is responsible for handling employee time sheets so they can be paid, but she’s been “too busy” for the last month to do so, so the time sheets have been accumulating in an envelope on her desk. Coworker is the only one approved by Bureaucrats to sign/approve/turn in time sheets, so it’s not a responsibility that can be delegated to anyone else. (This is not precisely the situation, but it’s a close enough analogy without possible outing myself on this board). This is why “too busy” isn’t a valid excuse in the situation.
Meg Murry
Not saying its a good reason, but is it possible she’s ignoring something big (like time sheets) on purpose to make a point that she really is overworked? Because maybe she’s been telling her boss she’s got too much going on but as long as things looked OK on the surface boss has been ignoring it?
Again, not saying its right, but I’ve worked at more than one place where the only way to get responsibilities un-delegated to you was to screw then up – as long as you were juggling it all no one cared how you did it or how many hours you had to kill yourself to get it done.
But you have my sympathies – I hate having to turn over something and then wait forever for the other person to ignore it.
Famouscait
An excellent point. Thanks for helping me consider that.
Meg Murry
Could you ask her if you could help her advocate for a second person to be bureaucrat approved to deal with time sheets? What happens right now if she got hit by a bus and couldn’t be there to do the approval?
CYA that you got her what she needed on time, and then see if the 2 of you together can advocate for a 2nd approver (whether that be a new hire or adding responsibilities to someone less overwhelmed).
Q
Quick question re law firm etiquette… I’m currently clerking and interviewed with a major-market biglaw firm about a month ago and for my own sanity / not to fall through the cracks, would like to get a sense of where they are in the selection process. I don’t have other deadlines to help nudge. I’d really appreciate any thoughts on how it may be perceived if I check in (& any recommendations as to the best way to do so). TIA!
LH
Are you working with a recruiter? If so, have the recruiter contact them. If not, I think it’s perfectly appropriate to reach out to an HR person to inquire about the status of your application. Don’t ask an attorney. A month is a long time after an interview to have not heard anything so I think a request for a status update from HR is fine.
E
I love Hukkster. I’ve ordered a few things thanks to Hukkster alerts, my favorite being embellished Dolce Vita flat sandals that are absolutely gorgeous for <$30 from Piperlime. I don't really need more reasons to shop but this is pretty great.
LH
Anyone up for vicarious shopping? I’m looking for a cobalt blazer (I know some people are sick of the color but I’m still completely obsessed). I like slim-fitting blazers – I have one from TheLimited that I don’t wear much even though its nice because I feel like its too wide in the shoulders and looks boxy. It’s ok if it doesn’t button, I plan to only wear it over dresses. Preferably under $75 but more expensive ones are fine if the store regularly has sales.
ECL
Loft had one (the color is lighter in person than online). There’s only one size left online, but they may have it in store. A few weeks ago it was only around $25 in store (but final sale).
http://www.loft.com/petite-doubleweave-open-jacket/324973?colorExplode=false&skuId=15136589&catid=catl000057&productPageType=saleProducts&defaultColor=1181