Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Rainbow Tweed Jacket

238 Comments

1. Remind me how to search this website? I am trying to find something that was posted months ago and every time I do a search I end up not being able to find it and I feel like I am going crazy.

   1. I was wondering about searching as well recently, but I specifically wanted to search the comments – all I kept coming up with were results from the text of posts. At any rate, if you are trying to do the latter, I just used the “search” box in the upper right hand corner and it seemed to work for me.

   2. Go to g00gle, enter “site:corpor*tt*.com [search term]”. Remove asterisks of course. That searches the comments and posts.

      1. Thanks!!!

2. Cute jacket. I have some silk tops from this brand and they are really well made from good quality silk.

   1. Cute. Not sure if it would make my tummy larger or camoflauge it.

      But with things like this, if there is a F21 knockoff, how do you justify the cost? I can easily cost-justify purchases of wool suits, wool jackets, and good boots. But I have a harder time with things like this that are completer-type pieces, instead of core or long-lasting pieces.

      1. I guess it depends on your style and office culture, but for me this would be a core piece. I tend to wear more ‘unusual’ or ‘fun’ jackets like this with solid colored tops/bottoms. The style is pretty classic IMHO, and I definitely had pieces like this (from Zara, sure this one is better made) in the early 2000’s, so I don’t think they really go out of style per se. And you can really tell close up the quality of the wool/stitching/garment construction for something nicer vs. something from H&M/F21.

         1. This jacket is absolutely gorgeous. If I were not Housecounsel as in working at my house 90% of the time, I’d be jumping on it.

      2. I feel like this is something that you could wear forever. The cut is modern enough to wear for younger women, but would totally work on seniors.

      3. Tweed is timeless. Look at Chanel.

      4. This is a classic style. I talk myself out of f21 type purchases by thinking about the labor practices and the environmental impact behind fast fashion. I prefer to have fewer things that are better made, and can be consigned or at least will not go to the rag factory when I donate them someday (recognized name brands are pulled out, F21 gets sent to India or Bangladesh to be used as rags or recycled thread, with very poor working conditions.)

         1. Yeah, it’s not that hard for me to talk myself out of fast fashion when I consider the societal impacts.

3. Has anyone tried Article sofas? I have my eye on either a leather or a velvet one. Can anyone comment on whether the couches are overall good quality and whether the velvet runs hot when you sit on it? Do they ever have sales?

   1. I have their green velvet mid-century one and I love it. It’s great quality for the price point, looks new a couple of years later. I don’t find the velvet hot or anything but that’s not something I’ve ever thought about.

      1. I don’t think they have sales but a lot of podcasts have $50 promo codes for them, so I’d just google that.

   2. There’s a long running thread on houzz – I would read through it before jumping in with that company. I recently bought w Interior Define and am having problems too. My couch is already sagging- and feathers continue to come out! i love supporting startups and Direct to consumer models but this experience has made me pause. No one knows if these companies will be around in a 8 years if my couch needs a warranty repair.

      1. Can you post the link to the thread? Thanks!

         1. https://www.houzz.com/discussions/4049293?n=401

   3. We ordered one and ended up returning it. The returning process was really easy though considering we were shipping back a sofa. The sofa looked beautiful but was more of the comfort of a waiting room sofa. We wanted something that was more comfortable to curl up with a book or watch tv on if that makes any sense.

   4. I bought a leather one last year and would again. I liked it 80% as much as the C&B one I really wanted but for half the price, it was an easy call.

   5. I can’t speak to quality, but if you order one, Emily Henderson’s website has a discount code in a recent post. I don’t work for her, I promise!

4. Shoutout to my coworker who bragged last week about how much sick time he has saved up and today showed up complaining about his fever and flu symptoms.
   Dude, the reason you have sick time is to STAY HOME when you are sick. Get out of here please.

   1. Hate that. Also shoutout to my employer, which doesn’t let people WFH when they have light colds (you either have to take one of our three sick days or come in), leading to everyone coming in and getting everyone else sick every damn time.

   2. People like that are the wooorst. I was hospitalized while pregnant because my coworker came to work with the flu. Thankfully baby and I were ok, but it was really scary (and expensive) and I’m still mad about it.

   3. Blech. I’m sorry!

   4. Ugh, that’s the worst! My brother-in-law works somewhere where they get a bonus for perfect attendance. That just means people will come in anyway if they are sick.

      1. Who in the world decided a bonus for perfect attendance was a good idea?! Just showing up doesn’t not mean someone is productive or even a particularly good employee. Sympathy for your BIL and that ridiculous policy.

         1. +1. When I was growing up, one of the local high schools boosted GPAs for perfect attendance. I remember thinking that (a) that just encourages kids to come in sick and get everyone else sick, (b) it’s really unfair to kids who actually get sick and need to stay home or, you know, go to the hospital, and (c) it’s a really dumb way to measure how well a student did in high school and, to the extent GPA is used for college admissions, how prepared they are for college.

            1. Some high schools refuse to let students graduate if they missed enough classes for any reason–even if they completed all assignments and aced all their tests. It’s discriminatory.

            2. Our middle school and high school won’t give credit for a course if a student misses 5 days in a semester.

            3. I got sick a lot my junior year of high school, and ended up missing enough PE classes that I had to go to after-school detention to make a few of them up. This meant I missed track practice to sit inside working on homework. My coach was also my PE teacher and he was…not pleased with the administration.

            4. I remember the year I started high school, they were just phasing out an old policy where if you didn’t miss class you didn’t have to write the final exam!

            5. My school did that. I was out two days for my grandmother’s death, and the (already inflated) GPAs were so close that it knocked me down one spot in the class rank for graduation, which affected my scholarships. Cost me a couple thousand bucks.

            6. My school did this, but sickness with a doctor’s note was exempted. I think it was mostly done to discourage parents from scheduling family vacations during the school year, and I kind of support that, though of course there are good reasons for a kid to miss school that don’t require a doctor’s visit (including illnesses such as 24 hour stomach flu or bad menstrual cramps, which affected a bunch of my friends). I didn’t get it because I had to miss a few days for a grandparent’s funeral (I think you did get a free day for funerals,but I had the misfortune to have a grandparent die on the other side of the country so I had to miss maybe 3 days for the funeral).

         2. Yeah it’s a ridiculous policy for work or school. I think my middle or high school had some kind of recognition for perfect attendance, but I don’t recall what the “prize” was. Boosting GPA for perfect attendance is so wrong.

      2. They should run a regression analysis on this bonus as they’d likely discover a disparate impact to their female workforce.

   5. EXTREME pet peeve of mine. The worst offender was a (male) coworker who also would come into work sick…when we worked in a cancer hospital. He actually got sent home before. You think he’d learn his lesson.

      1. I worked for a cancer foundation where patients frequently visited….and they didn’t give people on contract sick leave (but encouraged sick people to stay home). I had to stay home unpaid.

   6. This is where I feel it’s appropriate to be rude to your coworker. I would stare at him and say harshy “wait, you have flu symptoms and you’re here today? Stay away from me. I’m not kidding” and then spread the word to everyone around me as well. Make sure to blame him publicly when the next person is sick (“oh I’m sorry, that was thanks to Joe coming in with the flu on Monday”). Sometimes public shaming works.

      1. A former manager stood in the doorway of a direct report with a can of Lysol until he stood up and went home. We generally had PTO in droves and she continually reminded us that two weeks of that were formally the sick leave bank and we should use it as such.

         1. Now that is a good manager. I once worked for somebody who set a terrible example — she came in to work with a terrible cold/flu/winter illness for days. She couldn’t comprehend that the world would, in fact, keep turning without her. Nobody is so important that work can’t go on for a few days without them.

5. First time visiting – will be there for 3 days/4 nights over President’s Day weekend. This is far in advance, but in order to lock in a decent price if we need one… curious about the Hive’s thoughts on whether we need to rent a better car. We live in Philly and, accordingly, have a city car (little Kia) since 95% of our driving is for groceries or the shore and our biggest normal concern is ease of finding a parking spot. While it’s perfectly adequate on wet roads, if we have to drive/park on snowy or icy lots, it’s not a great choice. Should we rent a more snow-friendly vehicle for the trip?

   (Any other suggestions welcome, too, while I’m at it! We’re mostly planning to ski and hot tub, but any cute and cozy restaurants that people love? Is it worth checking out the Olympic facilities?)

   1. I would probably at least get something with 4-wheel drive. I doubt you’ll find snow tires on a rental car, but if that is offered I’d jump on it. There will be serious snow/ice that time of year (‘warmer’ February weather often=big fluffy sticky snowfalls with many inches or feet). There are also a decent amount of hills in and around town and the idea of ‘clear’ roads will be different (often not cleared down to pavement, there is often a light amount of snow/ice still left that people drive over).

   2. You need a car with snow tires.

   3. My favorite place!! You might be fine with your car if there’s no snow that weekend (I’ve driven something similar up there in the summer), but if it’s snowy/icy, you’ll probably want all-wheel drive or snow tires.

      For restaurants, definitely try The Breakfast Club for brunch. They have fantastic bloody marys. The Olympic facilities are fun to see, but honestly a little underwhelming when you compare them to modern Olympic arenas. The bobsled is fun, but I’m not sure if I’d give up a half day of skiing to visit.

6. Would like some observations, comments on a scenario with smart, good male colleague I have know for 8+ years. Colleague has taken a new position at a large company. I have been recruited for same role and excited to start in the new year. Colleague constantly talks about proving oneself and $$, $$, $$, $$, more so than ever before – our roles are senior level. (Back story – colleague was promoted at prior employer and subsequently had position eliminated). I am turned off by the constant $$$ talk (declasse) and trying to figure out how to respond to this friend or maybe distance myself? (some background but not sure if relevant – Friend does not have college education but worked hard to climb corporate ladder over the years…I have MBA). How would you respond?

   1. Is your friend trying to help you — making sure you negotiate for the right salary?? I agree that a constant stream of discussing income/bonuses isn’t appropriate, but a little information can go a long way…

      1. Good point….Friend provided some insights that were helpful to my negotiation. The continued stream of $$ talk is tiresome…just not tasteful and I haven’t seen this from friend before. Maybe say nothing and ignore?

         1. You seem oddly hung up on “tasteful”. “Taste” is ultimately something privileged people make up to exclude and keep down people like your friend. Maybe let this go?

         2. I would just ignore. You can probably filter through to get good information. Some people really are more open about $ talk and that’s okay, just don’t offer your money situation if you consider it private information. I mean, your coworker talking about $ isn’t harmful to you just annoying and, to you, not right etiquette wise, so it’s not that big of a deal.

         3. Tasteful is a cocktail party lens. This is valuable information regarding your compensation.

            1. OP here, thank you and great advice – you’re right, this really doesn’t matter…..I will let this go.

         4. Agree – say nothing and ignore. Also, from a gendered perspective, it’s really useful from a compensation-negotiating point of view to have information about male coworker salary.

   2. Who are you, seriously? Using words like déclassé and bragging about your MBA. I can tell you who is tacky, and it’s not your friend.

      1. This.

         Also, it sounds like the salary data he’s giving has been helpful. I generally think people should talk more about salary, not less.

7. Has anyone experienced unexplained n1pple changes? I’m definitely not pregnant. Ive been cleared by a br3ast cancer specialist as well and he couldn’t say what was causing it. He wants me to come back in a few months just to be safe but I’m still at a loss for what’s going on.

   1. Did the specialist specifically look at the risk of inflammatory breast cancer?

   2. The color of mine changes sometimes-not super suddenly, but not so slowly I don’t notice. I’ve never bothered to figured out why exactly, maybe when I change BC, maybe when my s#x life is healthy, maybe it’s just diet?
      I also have very pronounced lumpy bumps on them, and that becomes more noticeable if I lose weight, just because there is less puffy flesh between them.

   3. This very much depends on the type of changes. Slight darkening, textured and ropy (fibrocystic *reasts, annoying but not harmful), are hormonal and normal. But rippling, discharge, inverted, rashes or redness – you should see another specialist who will do a biopsy as those aren’t “it just does that” changes. Even if it’s just a skin issue – it’s better to be aggressive in figuring out what it is as inflammatory *reast cancer moves quickly (from not there to Stage 3 in weeks to a few months – it starts at Stage 3)

   4. How were you cleared by the specialist? Biopsy? Mammogram? Mammo’s are not 100% reliable especially if you have dense breasts.My mother had nipple changes at age 45 and doctors said to wait and watch for 6 months. Mother died of breast cancer 3 years later (Paget’s disease of the breast). Not trying to scare you but maybe a second opinion would not hurt.

   5. Thank you all for responding! I am 28 and had an ultrasound and mammo- nothing showed up in either. I haven’t changed BC or s*xual habits or anything really. The doc said inflammatory would’ve spread much quicker and be more red, inflamed, etc. and since I’ve had this for 5 weeks, it isn’t that. I don’t have any of the classic paget’s symptoms like flakiness, itching, scaly rash either. It looks like there is some kind of darkened, not uniform expansion of my are0la that can be sort of ribbed. Different than the other tissue when stimulated. And it’s growing? Or spreading? I really think because of my age that this doc wasn’t taking it seriously (he said he wouldn’t have ordered the mammogram but my PCP did thankfully before I saw him) but also was looking for more advanced stages of any type of cancer. I don’t want to work myself up more than I have but agree a second opinion could be helpful. Really appreciate the feedback.

      1. At 28 your chance of BC especially if you don’t have a family history/mutation is approaching that of getting hit by lightning while winning the lottery- there’s a reason your doc is dismissive. That being said, skin changes are worth checking with a dermatologist. Eczema or suchlike could cause the skin changes you’re experiencing.

         1. Many young women are diagnosed de novo at stage 4 because doctors are dismissive due to their age.

            1. The incidence of breast cancer in women under thirty is less than 5 per 100,000, and most of those 5 have a family history/mutation associated with early onset breast cancer, hence my comment. Furthermore, only 15% of new breast cancer diagnoses are stage 4 (my source is the SEER statistics on cancer incidence).

               That being said, skin changes are worth checking, and if a breast specialist has ruled out Paget’s and inflammatory breast cancer, it’s worth talking to a dermatologist.

      2. Get a second opinion. I had Paget’s of the breast at 24. A dermotogist diagnosed it w a biopsy of the skin. Nothing showed up on a subsequent mammo or ultrasound. It could only be seen by MRI.

8. Is anyone reducing or eliminating their use of talc in personal care products (makeup, baby powder, etc)? There’s some new articles about the potential link to ovarian cancer and the potential contamination with asbestos. I feel like this issue hasn’t really gotten the attention it deserves given how widespread talc is.

   1. I checked my products after I read an article about the asbestos thing and only one of them contained talc, and it’s not something I use often (threw it out anyway though). Am I in the minority here? I was a little surprised that I didn’t find more talc, but I typically use liquid or cream/gel products more than powders.

   2. I’m confused by the coverage because I thought this was common knowledge? I feel like the recommendation to avoid talc has been out there for a long time already, especially not to use it on babies and lady parts.

      1. It’s definitely old news about baby powder/talc in the genital region being linked to ovarian cancer – I think the first big studies came out in the 1990s or earlier. I’m mid-30s and no one I know has used baby powder on their babies for exactly this reason. I wasn’t as aware of concerns about makeup but I don’t use powders anyway.

      2. This. Child of the 1980s. Never owned talc and never knew you could even buy it anymore.

      3. Agree — I feel like this was common knowledge at least 10 years ago b/c I never bought baby powder when I had actual babies (and never used for myself).

         I know that the “powder” in my face powder was cornstarch back when I switched to cornsilk as a teen. [And I’m so oily that I never much used powdered shadows or blush. They last about 10 minutes on me.]

         Kinda surprised that talc powders are even a thing still.

      4. OP here and I think it’s common knowledge for talc powder, but I didn’t know it’s in many makeup and deodorant products too.

      5. From sales, it would look like a majority of people still don’t know. (Perhaps leaving dangerous products on the market while warning people about them is a not the best solution?)

   3. I stopped using talc on parts of the body with openings ever since the ovarian cancer link. Now that the asbestos issue has come to light, I am limiting its use altogether, although the asbestos issue is a Johnson & Johnson issue, not a “talc in general” issue. A large percentage of makeup products use talc, especially the pressed and loose powders and eyeshadows, it’s hard to avoid. Even mineral makeup like bareMinerals has talc in it.

   4. I don’t use talc, ever. I feel like this got a lot of coverage about 10 years ago? I’m a bit surprised you are just learning about this now. I had a bit of a fight with my DH about it because he grew up putting talc on sheets and I don’t want that stuff on our bed (if nothing else it really irritates my lungs). Although Anon above makes a good point about pressed powders- I have a powder compact at the office for emergency touch-ups and haven’t thought to check if it contains talc.

      1. That’s the point – we all know about powder itself but not many seemed to know about talc in makeup (or if they did know, they’re not stopping using it).

   5. So baby powder is now talc free, so that’s not an issue anymore, but as far as being concerned about makeup, it’s fine if you are (everyone should be as careful as they want to be), but I wouldn’t go freaking out if a compact you use at the office one in a while contains talc. The link established in these suits is some pretty major exposure – like using baby powder on your private areas several times a day, every day, for 30 years in lieu of daily showers. The volume of exposure from powdering your nose (even daily) is just nowhere near the same.

      1. Yeah I always thought that the risk was all about internal use – if you put it on your private areas, it’s going inside you to some degree. If you powder your nose or use it as underarm deodorant, it’s not.

   6. I use foot powder that contains talc and have no plans to stop using it,but I’m probably not going to get ovarian cancer on the soles of my feet anyway.

9. Looking for black chelsea-style (or similar) booties that are (1) lined with something for warmth and (2) waterproof. Not sure if I should be looking at the Aquatalia/Blondo/La Canadienne varieties or if it’s better to get rubber rain boots in the chelsea cut that I see everywhere. I would love to go a bit nicer than rubber boots so I could wear them at work, but water-proof is ultimately the most important factor. I’m also overwhelmed by the options. Nordstrom had 927 search results for black booties! Does anyone have a recommendation for a style they love? TIA!

   1. I have the Blondo Iris black bootie. It has a fuzzy lining that is comfy. I got them at DSW and they have been great.

   2. I haven’t tried these myself, but I have seen the Sam Edelman Tinsley Rain Boot featured on Extra Petite.

      1. I have them and they’re great rain boots but not warm.

         1. How’s the grip on them? I thought about getting them and also using them on slushy days but was worried about slipping.

            1. Pretty good! They aren’t my go to serious ice walking boots and I do need to proceed gingerly but I’ve been fine in slush.

            2. Good to know, thanks.

   3. I can vouch for Aquatalia and La Canadienne being warm and waterproof. In particular, took the Aquatalias (suede no less) to Montreal and accidentally stepped in a 3″ deep puddle that looked like just damp sidewalk (it was a very still night). The water just rolled off like nothing happened!

   4. I have the blondo boots. Very comfortable and super water proof. And I wear them to work every day. They are short though, so if you are walking through deep snow (I learned that the hard way) or lots of rain, your feet might get a little wet around the ankles. I wouldn’t recommend them for lake effect snow. But elsewhere, they are great.

10. Does anyone have any experience with testoterone replacement therapy to treat low libido? I went to my doctor, she did bloodwork, and I have low testosterone “compatible with early peri-menopause.” I can’t live like this for another 2-4 decades, am desperate to get my groove back. I have been seeing a therapist for this issue for six months, and while it has been helpful, it has not given me that primal urge that I miss. It seems that testosterone replacement for pre-menopausal women is not particularly common, especially in the US, but all the side effects seem rather trivial to me–oily skin, hoarseness, acne, compared to the very real loss of an important part of myself. Obviously I don’t want to do anything detrimental to my health–perhaps there’s some literature that I’ve overlooked why it’s not a good idea? Any insight?

    1. Not a doctor, but my sense is that as you go through perimenopause, the issue is more with estrogen levels dropping than testosterone (which would perhaps fall also, but not to the extent of estrogen).

       FWIW, I think that you get a lot of benefit from estrogen (protection from a lot of heart disease, which women have UNTIL menopause), so I wouldn’t go experimenting on your own. And I’m a very hairy person naturally and in my late 40s I am going to get electrolysis regularly so ward off the hormone-related coarse hair growth (and I’m a brunette — yay). So there is that downside, which is no joke.

       Maybe this is more for an endocrinologist than an OB?

    2. I can’t comment on whether this is a good or bad idea, but this is one thing that DHEA supplements are used for among the sorts of doctors who recommend supplements.

    3. I have experience with this. I used a cream that had to be compounded, which is a pain in my small town. Also, the warning about it thinning your skin is legit–you definitely have to keep moving your application area around. I ended up with onion-paper old lady skin that tore at the drop of a hat. In the end, the small difference it made was not worth the skin damage it was doing, so I quit.

11. Where did you buy your favorite flannel shirt? I want to buy a nice thick cozy flannel but am uncertain where the best combination of quality and price can be found. Thanks.

    1. Uniqlo

    2. Duluth Trading. I wanted LL Bean, but they cut their clothing so unflatteringly wide in the torso. I can’t work out who that fit is for.

    3. LL Bean semi-fitted scotch plaid. It’s still a little loose but within acceptable parameters. You may want to size down if you’re in between sizes.

    4. Men’s Tall section of LL Bean. Mostly because I couldn’t get the sleeve length I wanted in women’s sizes anywhere I looked. I’m wearing them over leggings, so it’s a pretty casual look. There were slim fit options that actually fit pretty well through the shoulders and aren’t totally baggy through the chest.

       1. I’ll keep an eye out for you around town, Mpls, because we are totally twinning in the men’s LLBean flannels. I’m also into the more traditional clan plaids, so LLBean fits the bill. My two other favorites include: a red buffalo plaid from the Target Men’s section many years ago and a tall women’s plaid from Eddie Bauer I got more recently.

    5. Patagonia

    6. My son wears flannels pretty much every day (he’s 16) and the nicest ones he’s bought are from Orvis. I only remember Orvis from the Skymall catalog back in the ‘90s, but he has no association with the brand, just bought some flannels online and likes them. Brands he has to compare them to – ll bean, lands end, dickies, and vans. The Orvis flannels are heads and shoulders above the others.

    7. Land’s End. They are boxy and shapeless, but so very soft and comfy, and I’m not looking to dress like a supermodel in flannel.

       1. And the sleeves (women’s at least) are short. But I concur that they’re soft. The women’s styles are not especially thick/substantial in the fabric area though, at least with this year’s crop.

          1. That may be why I like them! I have T-Rex arms.

    8. Unless you’re allergic to wool, actual wool flannel from Pendleton is the answer here. Cotton flannel will never match it for warmth.

    9. It’s not thick, but I have one from Duluth Trading Company that gets a ton of wear (it’s the “Free Swingin’ Flannel).

12. I need to bring something to my office potluck. I want to bring something higher in protein. Most of my colleagues eat meat, and there is one person with a tree nut allergy. I will not have access to an oven, so it needs to be something cold or that can be heated in a microwave or crockpot. Someone is already bringing chili.

    1. Crockpot meatballs are always a hit in my office. Frozen meatballs heated with BBQ sauce is an easy way to do it.

    2. Some kind of grain, quinoa, or chickpea salad? They can be room temp and are high in protein.

    3. Meatballs
       Cheese plate

    4. Meatballs in a crockpot. Tbh I phone it in and do frozen cocktail size turkey meatballs with equal parts canned cranberry sauce and ketchup and people love it.

       1. Do you mean the jellied cranberry sauce?

          1. Yup.

       2. Honestly that sounds really good.

    5. I did the Trader Joe’s party meatballs with the TJ’s Korean BBQ sauce for a party recently. It’s a little zingy but not hot at all. One thing I learned that might be helpful to others this holiday season: I normally douse meatballs with the sauce right away, but it tends to get gummy and stuck to the crock pot, so this time, I put the frozen meatballs in alone on high about 3 hours, stirring them around maybe every 45 mins or so, and then put the BBQ sauce in for the last hour and it turned out great.

    6. Buffalo chicken dip. Might sound a little out-of-date but people squeal when they see it. Serve w/ triscuits & celery sticks.

    7. I love buffalo chicken dip! I get so excited when I see it at a party and then basically camp out next to the crockpot.
       Another idea for something more finger food like is sausage rolls. I mix my own ground meat and spices/herbs and use puff pastry. Super easy to make and eat.

13. Curious as to everyone’s thoughts on men in women’s dressing rooms. I was really bothered by a man’s conduct in the dressing room of my local Athleta over the weekend. The dressing rooms don’t have real doors, they have curtains that don’t fasten on the sides. This man was standing right on the other side of my curtain most of the time I was in there – I guess his wife was in the stall next to mine. It made me really uncomfortable. There was staff in the dressing room the whole time and I was surprised no one asked him to move at least to the center of the room where he wouldn’t be so up in my space.

    I guess I should’ve asked the guy to back up… but by that time I was already undressed and just trying to get out of there. And I didn’t know a polite way to say “excuse me can you please not be within touching distance of me while I’m half n*ked thx” – especially if he was apparently allowed to be standing there (since no one asked him to move). I said something on my way out and they said they would monitor the situation more closely in the future. What’s the normal protocol here?

    1. Dressing rooms are a curious beast because there is no public grooming or anything private happening outside of the stalls – the actual dressing room outside the stalls is basically a passing area. And in situations like yours where the dressing room is open to the store, so less private, and a woman invites him in with her – that’s a pass in such situations. Unless it was the sort of dressing room where women are getting measurements done, items taken in – basically where the dressing area is an extension of the dressing room – it’s just not a big deal.

       People will try to liken it to a bathroom situation but it’s simply not comparable because a man would be using the bathroom – no man would have a plausible reason to be in a women’s dressing room area unless he was with a spouse, daughter, or inside of a dressing room himself so therefore unseen – people don’t loiter in the dressing room.

       1. I guess. I make my guy wait outside, and I step out in the outfit I want feedback on.

    2. Eh I’ve never had an issue. If you don’t speak up what do you expect? He wasn’t touching you, you weren’t concerned he could see you, he was just standing there.

       1. Oh I was definitely concerned he could see me – the curtain doesn’t fasten on the sides so it drapes open a little. Especially if you have a busy body right outside the curtain who causes it to flutter quite a lot. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to pull it back or anything, but if you’re moving around and bumping into a curtain, it’s going to move!

          1. Then ask him to move. What I’m getting at is that you had no concernhe was trying to do anything. “Scuse me could you move away from
             The curtain a bit? Thanks so much!”

             1. Right. Just ask… OP says that she was really bothered by his ‘conduct’ but it just seems like he was waiting for someone and just happened to be standing close, and not doing anything suspicious, or that indicated he was behaving inappropriately or trying to violate someone’s privacy. It’s understandable to be uncomfortable at a guy standing close by, but not something a simple, “hi, would you mind stepping scooting over a bit? thanks” couldn’t solve.

    3. I worked at Talbots maybe 10 years ago, and our instructions back then were to not allow men into the dressing rooms and to politely ask them to wait at entrance of the fitting room area if they wanted to. That being said, I had a male customer once who wanted to try on some dresses. Per our rules, I guess I shouldn’t have let him in, but I did anyway because I didn’t quite know what to do. No one complained – but I think perhaps no other customers noticed because it was a slow day.

       That reminds me, though, that I absolutely hate fitting rooms with curtain closures. Why are normal doors so difficult? And why do some places have exceptionally short doors that a tall person could peer over? (Talbots, I’m looking at you.)

       1. Aw, as long as he wasn’t bothering other people or using the dressing room situation to drag other people into his k*nk, and legitimately wanted to just see how the dresses fit, you totally did the right thing. I once went with a male friend to a lingerie store as moral support (he wanted to crossdress but was shy, of course) and that store has my unflagging loyalty because of how totally nice they were about it. We bought a bunch of stuff so I hope they work on commission!

          1. That’s exactly why I did let him in. I remember having a little internal debate about what to do, because I had a suspicion my conservative elderly manager wouldn’t approve and might discipline me, but his demeanor made me feel like he wasn’t a threat and that he was genuine in wanting to try on the clothing. The poor guy was sheepish at first, like he didn’t know how I would react, and then almost apologetic. It didn’t occur to me until that day how challenging shopping must be in that situation.

       2. I worked at a fast fashion store as a teen, and there were men who would buy women’s clubbing clothing. The dressing room was communal, so we were instructed to offer the men our employee bathroom for fitting purposes. It worked fine.

    4. Um shop online if it bugs you? Seems like normal behavior to me. I dislike humanity at the mall in general, as well as trying things on in-store (can’t see how it will work with my actual wardrobe or shoes) so I shop online.

    5. Speak up next time. “Excuse me, could you please wait a little farther away from my changing room? Thanks”

    6. You’re way out of line.

    7. I’m pretty tired of men traipsing all over women only spaces like they have every right to be there. There is no reason grown ass men need to be in a women’s dressing room – unless they’re helping their small child get dressed which it seems this guy wasn’t. There is definitely no reason he needed to be right up against a curtain (!!) that wasn’t t his wife’s dressing room. If you really can’t try on clothes without your husband then shop at home.

    8. You’re overreacting. I personally hate curtain-doors on dressing rooms and vastly prefer full length or nearly full length doors, but a dude standing on the other side not bothering you is… not a problem. I actually found myself surprised that there were separate men’s and women’s fitting rooms while reading your description — at stores like JCrew, which also sell both men’s and women’s clothing, it’s all one set of rooms.

       1. Athleta only sells women’s clothes. There is no men’s dressing room because there are no men’s clothes.

          I think it’s different if you’re shopping in a mixed gender store and walking into a dressing room knowing it’s mixed gender. If you’re uncomfortable then you know not to change there. But when a dressing room appears to be a woman only space then that should be respected. There are lots of women – I’m thinking assault survivors – who are not ok being undressed in a mans presence. I don’t think a man wanting to stand in the dressing room while his wife changes trumps a woman’s comfort and expectation of not having men around. It would be different if he needed to help his disabled wife or something but that doesn’t appear to be the case here.

          1. Totally. And anyone including the OP who was uncomfortable could have asked him to move or asked a salesperson to have him move. And I bet he simply would have!

          2. What’s sort of being lost here is that Athleta’s changing rooms are gigantic and include racks of sale clothing. The one near my office has a couch and magazines. It sounds like the guy was way too close to the OP’s curtain, but I also don’t think it’s right to characterize the Athleta changing room as women’s space.

          3. Stores that sell leggings and tank tops aren’t women-only spaces. Any member of the public can enter Athleta store to look at, try on or purchase what they sell. The man being in what was likely the only dressing room rather than the “women’s” dressing room isn’t wrong, but I expect he would have moved voluntarily if OP or anyone else had expressed discomfort to him or to a member of staff.

    9. Ugh can you stop already? It’s posters like you that make this place intolerable these days, not your so called tr0lls. Sometimes folks just want to ask a question.

       1. Nope. I’m not out of line and I really don’t think I’m wrong. I’ve been a regular reader and commenter here for over a decade and I’m tired af of deliberate pot-stirring. This questions screams pot-stirring in the context of all the other obvious pot-stirring posts we’ve had on this topic over the past several months.

    10. What are you even talking about? This question doesn’t scream “troll” at all. OP, you did the right thing alerting staff, but it would probably also be effective to just ask the man directly if he could stand somewhere else. In the age of spycams and upskirting (currently a huge problem in some countries), I too would be wary of a man standing too close to a dressing room curtain.

    11. At my BR, there are door-ed changing rooms but no men’s or women’s separate changing areas beyond the individual rooms. Maybe that is the better way to go?

        The curtain closures at my Athleta are pretty but there is only one area where the curtain clips, so I can see why you might actually be viewable (not to mention, someone could easily mistake their curtain for yours).

    12. I don’t want men in dressing rooms whether as customers or employees. There are times when I want to come out half-dressed and ask for something or get help with a zipper.

        1. Wow. Sorry Princess

    13. Use your words.

        “Hi, I’m not trying to be a pain, but would you mind moving over a bit? These curtains don’t close completely and I am a bit self-conscious.”

        1. Ok, I am all for using your words when something makes you uncomfortable, but this script is basically apologizing for existing. I’m surprised that some commenters seem to feel it’s unreasonable for the OP to be uncomfortable being naked with just a flimsy curtain between her and a strange man a couple feet away. Seems like a pretty normal response to me! I agree with the suggestion to address it directly, but I would say something along the lines of “These curtains are quite flimsy, could you please wait outside the dressing rooms?” No need to apologize for your perfectly reasonable reaction! Unless the guy was actually a creep I’m sure he didn’t realize he was making other people uncomfortable and would happily move if asked.

    14. Hi could you stand somewhere else please? Thanks

14. Looking for help with two gifts –

    1) Late 20s tech bro-lite, lives in SF, likes extreme camping/hiking, bikes to work $25 to $50 range

    2) Mid 60s man. Lawyer, immigrant who has a lot of home country pride, loves puttering around his beach house and general home improvement things. Is not a big reader or drinker. $50 to $100 range

    thanks

    1. For 1) – Heattech layering clothing from Uniqlo – very warm but not bulky; fancy bike saddle bag with lots of compartments; heavy SPF moisturing skin products (if he’s outside a lot in chilly climate)

       For 2) Could you make him a “home gift basket” full of things from his home country like commonly liked and hard to get foods and candies, a flag mug and flag coozie, slippers with rubber soles in country colors?

    2. 1) ENO hammock or similar (with ENO you’re paying for the brand). Or one of those water purifier straws or a filtered water bottle for camping. You could also look for a quick-dry towel that folds/packs into a teeny square- my backpacking friends swear by them!
       2) Home country flag decor? If he doesn’t already have a flag at the beach house, a flag and the equipment to hang it would be nice.

    3. #2, t-shirt (etc) with HomeCountryName spelled out in nautical flags? Could get someone on Etsy to make it for you?

    4. Get him some lights for his spokes. They’re cool and they make him safer.

    5. What about some Phillips Hue lights? For the beach house, he could program them to come on and off when he wasn’t home. I bought some for Christmas, and I don’t know how I lived with out them. Its so wonderful to come home to lights on! And, my cat likes it too.

       I second the Uniqulo heattech clothing for Mr. Adventurer.

    6. My tastes are probably pretty close to #1. I would not do Uniqlo heattech – I think most people who do that kind of hiking/camping have their own specific long underwear preferences, probably for something more rugged than anything at Uniqlo, and out of that price range.

       The water purifier straw is a good suggestion. Does he rock-climb? I’m getting my partner fancy chalk for his stocking (Frictionlabs). Also Eiger Dreams, which is a collection of Jon Krakauer’s short-form writing about mountaineering. Good quality hiking socks (smartwool are fine) are always appreciated as well.

15. I finally got some high-rated booties. And when I went to work, 5 other people were wearing booties with skinnies, but somehow doing it way better than me.

    Tings I messed up (I think):
    — not enough sweater volume. Sweater can’t be cropped or slim-cut unless you are model-skinny. Sweater needs to be of a bulky knit, sort of long and boxy, and cover maybe part of your butt.
    — skinny pants needs to be both slightly cropped and very skinny. If they are baggy at all, it just won’t work. And you should show some skin b/w bootie and pants.

    Am I missing anything with proportionality? I thought mine was an A-/B+ look leaving the house based on how the pieces looked individually, but upon seeing in a mirrored elevator reflecting back, it is a solid C.

    1. Are you sure you’re judging the styling and not the size of the women wearing the look? Of course all outfits should be balanced in the weight of the fabric and silhouette to a certain extent, but if seeing other women brings your opinion of how you look down, that seems more of a self image issue than a styling issue.

       And to your styling points – it all goes for the look you are going for. An early 20s, thin boho-chic woman can make booties with ankle boyfriend pants, slouchy sweater and thick rimmed glasses a LOOK, but if you’re going for chic and sleek the booties will be worn differently. What look are you going for?

       1. I honestly don’t know. Our office recently went casual and I’m used to suits still. I am just flailing around and figuring out the nuances about an hour after I walk out the door.

          Soon it will be too cold to go out sans socks, so that will be another hurdle — booties with socks? booties with visual socks? I may revert to suits (but if I do, will never figure this out).

          1. Wear socks. Get thinner ones in a complementary color to show the distinction or same color to make a clean line. I’m a fan of grey socks.
             Oh, and you just just fine. You’re overthinking this whole thing.

             1. Here’s a blogger I like for fashion on how to wear socks with ankle pants and booties: https://seeannajane.com/2018/12/socks-with-booties.html

    2. I don’t think you need to wear a giant, boxy sweater. Pretty much any type of sweater will look fine, except maybe a cropped sweater because that is quite a junior look. I do agree that skinny pants look better than baggy pants with ankle boots. If your skinny pants are baggy, they probably don’t fit quite right.

       1. Re skinny pants not being baggy — how does this work?

          I have jeggings that aren’t baggy but reveal butt-sag. Fail.
          I have Size X Julie fit skinny cords — stomach does not fit within zipper; Size X+1 — legs are baggy but I can zip them up!

          Is there a good brand for a pear to try?

    3. I like how Jean from Extra Petite styles her booties. When I was trying to figure out how to style booties, I scrutinized a lot of her looks. I do think they look best with skinnier pants, but I don’t think you need to show skin. It’s too cold for that where I live so I wear regular socks and fold my pants so they hit at the top of the bootie.

       You don’t need to wear boxy sweaters. I’m certainly not model skinny, but I wear slim cut sweaters. They are not body-con and have a little draping. I prefer that they cover my front and rear.

    4. You’re way overthinking this.

       1. But overthinking is what I do for a living — can’t exactly turn that off. But while it is a feature generally, it is a bug in this context :)

          1. I wear booties every day at work in the winter. I wear them with everything. They’re a completely netural shoe in my eyes. I generally wear skinny or slim pants, and out of personal preference I don’t like any skin showing between pants and boot.

    5. I agree that baggy pants with booties need to be worn deliberately, or it looks off.
       You don’t have to have cropped pants to wear booties. You can buy longer, very slim pants and wear them full length with your booties, or roll them up so that the hem just hits the top of your booties.

       You are not required to wear a thick or long sweater. I do think that longer, more casual sweaters are more current right now, and will be easier to wear with skinny pants and booties. However, slim-fit or cropped sweaters are even more on trend — but you need to wear them deliberately, such as with high-waist pants or wide-legged cropped pants. It would be harder to wear a traditional, shorter cardigan, for example; it might have looked great over your sheath dress but will be harder to have look current with your somewhat baggy pants and your booties.

       Regarding socks, buy skin-colored stockings to wear with your booties. Or just wear long pants. It’s winter.
       Or wear your booties with a pair of dark tights, a pencil skirt, and a casual sweater.

    6. I’ve always told my daughter that the rules are

       Long over short, short over long

       Tight with loose, loose with tight

       This refers to how to pair tops and bottoms.

       So a short skirt will look better with a long cardigan than a cropped top. A maxi skirt will look better with a short top. A pair of skinnies or leggings looks better with a loose, drapy sweater (as opposed to a tight sweater or tee.) A flowy skirt or loose mom jeans are going to look better with a fitted top.

       I mainly did this to stop her from wearing tight with tight or short with short, but it works the other way too – long with long or loose with loose can look very schlubby.

    7. May I suggest bootcuts instead of skinny jeans? They will look fantastic with both your booties and your slim cut sweater. They won’t make you consider sporting naked ankles in cold weather. They last longer because the knees aren’t subjected to as much constant stretching. They can show off your butt under your slim cut sweater without overdoing it, which seems nearly impossible in skinnies, especially if you’re getting them tight enough to work with the bootie look. Or get classic straight legs if you are concerned that bootcuts are still unfashionable (which they are not). On me, the big sweater/ toothpick legs look is just awful. It hides my two nice features – waist and hips – and emphasizes my large thighs and calves. I’m done agonizing over how to make it work and wish the same upon you :)

16. Any advice on loosing weight in an office with unlimited snacks? I’m really good at not buying junk and I bring healthy lunches, but one of the perks of my office is a pantry full of snacks and frequent team meals involving not lots of unhealthy choices. I’ve put on about 20 pounds in the last two years (not just for this reason – stress, not exercising, etc). I’m back on track on the exercising and have stopped gaining but feel like the snacking is preventing me from actually loosing weight. I’m a stress eater, so I’ll be really good all day and then find myself bingeing on the chips at 4pm after a rough meeting.

    1. Keep your own low calorie high bulk snacks in your working space/office. Light popcorn, oranges, delicious tea + honey, those 100 calorie snack packs.

    2. This is going to sound hard core but make a pact to not touch the subsidized snacks at all. Basically, I am incapable of having just a few/a modest portion of snack foods. For example, I can eat zero M&M’s or 200 from the enormous bag in the break room. I’m just not capable of having 20. Can you bring a banana or apple for an afternoon snack?

       1. Thanks, this sounds like me. I’ll say I will have a few chips and eat the whole pack. So I think cold turkey might be the way to go. These days I definitely will bring a banana but then find myself eating cookies instead.

       2. +1 My office has free lunches 2-3 times a week, and snacks,desserts, etc provided almost daily. I told myself I wasn’t eating anything from work at all, and I’m not as tempted as when I would “sometimes” let myself. I also read once that dieting/restricting should be tailored to your personality. Type A’s are better with strict dieting but struggle with maintenance because of the grey area, and Type B’s are great at moderation, not putting rules on themselves. I’m very Type A, so it makes a lot of sense to me now when I struggle on maintenance.
          Another trick I use myself is thinking of what my absolute favorite splurge meal is. Are the stale cookies in the office worth it to me more than a delicious meal that I purposefully go to order? No? Not worth it, don’t eat it.

          1. Yeah, I like this breakdown. I can be B for free meals, but I’m A for any snacks/cookies/treats laying around. For team meals I try to go for the healthiest option possible and avoid any unhealthy sides and the brownie tray. Keep a healthy Amy’s freezer meal, a few cans of soup, or something else handy at the office in case it’s pizza day. Bring lots of vegetables, proportioned nuts, stuff that it is OK to nibble on. I WFH more now and stop myself from raiding my own pantry by having a schedule: coffee + breakfast, a cup of tea at 11, lunch at 12:30, a LaCroix at 2:00, more tea and a piece of fruit or some cut up veggies at 3:30. Yeah, that’s a lot of beverages, but they keep me feeling full and aren’t caloric. I also drink a ton of water, sometimes you just need to get up and move around a little to cleanse your palate, I find going to refill my water cup accomplishes.

    3. Intermittent fasting. Eat from 12 – 8 pm, don’t eat the rest of the time. That way any snacks you have is during a smaller window and you will lose weight overall. Also agree that for me, I need to go cold turkey and not eat any of it. Pack some snacks that you enjoy and feel like a treat (nuts, popcorn, etc.)

       1. OMG, WHY is this mentioned as a solution every time a food/diet question comes up? IMO, skipping meals = disordered pattern of eating, not healthy, no matter how you try to put a bow on it.

          1. Probably because your opinion doesn’t have medical evidence backing it up? How is this about opinions at all?

          2. OMG, WHY do you have to bring up this stale, boring, uneducated point every time somebody mentions this? You’re not actually concerned about anybody’s well-being, you just like tr0lling and arguing with people.

          3. People bring it up because it works really well for lots of people. Obviously one could use intermittent fasting as a framework for disordered eating, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a healthy approach for a lot of other people.

             I also think maybe you don’t really understand how lots of people do intermittent fasting. In my case, I’m not “skipping meals,” I’m just shifting my meals a little later. There is nothing sacrosanct about the idea of breakfast, and nothing wrong with not eating immediately after you wake up.

             I’ve realized it doesn’t work well for me to eat my first meal at 7, second meal at 12, heavy snack at 4, and third meal at 8 when I get home from work and post-work activities. My body (i.e., digestive system, energy levels, sleep quality, weight) is way happier with me eating my first meal at 12, second meal at 4, and third meal at 8.

    4. I have this problem. I buy a LOT of healthy food and carry it with me everywere. That way I’m eating fruit instead of m&ms

    5. I went through a serious stress-eating phase in the early summer because my job was just hell. I still eat M&M’s but I know what a serving is (about a 1/4 cup) and that’s what I measure out into a little bowl. When they’re gone, I’m sad, but they’re gone.

    6. Can you ask your office to bring in more interesting low-cal snacks? My company subscribes to a service that brings fruit in every week – there is almost always at least a few oranges or apples around, and the boxes usually have some other interesting items depending on the season.

17. So I am not good with attention to detail. What are the best tactical suggestions that you’ve heard that have really help you improve?

    1. Slow down, only do one thing at a time, use check lists.

    2. +1 to checklists, even for things that should seem obvious. Before sending important emails, for example, I literally follow a checklist to make sure I’ve got the right to, cc, bcc, greetings, dates, attachments, content details, etc.

    3. Getting more sleep is one of the things I need to do to make fewer careless errors. Easier said than done obviously.

18. I need new sweaters but am on a tight budget. What are your favorite decent quality sweaters for work under $40 each?

    1. Uniqlo on sale.

    2. J Crew on Poshmark

       1. +1

    3. Try Macy’s – they always have sales. Their Charter Club sweaters look kind of dowdy online, but I think a plain black or navy or gray sweater or cardigan can be used in ways that won’t look dowdy on the person. I think their quality is pretty decent, too, for the price point.

       1. +1 to charter club sweaters. I got a cashmere one for $40 on Black Friday and am wearing it today actually. In my early 30s, fwiw

    4. Loft – keep an eye out for sales.

       1. +1 to Loft, I’m getting mailers from them every day with 30-50% off.

          Some items at Kohls and JCPenney sub-$20 with sales. Check the material – I steer clear of acrylic and stick with cotton-nylon blends.

    5. eBay top brands. Look for new with tags.

       1. Also lord and Taylor has really nice basic sweaters in merino and cashmere. They’re often on major sale this time of year.

          1. Oh yeah, forgot about them! I really like their sweaters.

             Bloomingdale’s was giving away cashmere sweaters for Black Friday. They are about L&T quality, may a trend a bit more expensive depending on sale status. But they had some colors that I liked better.

             Honestly, I always thought Bloomingdale’s was SO expensive, but I think it’s actually not that much more than L&T or Nordstrom’s depending on sales and on what you are looking at.

    6. I got the scalloped trim sweater from Halogen in the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale and am very happy with the quality. Not sure on the post-sale price but generally Halogen is affordable.

       There’s a similar, less-nice quality version at Nordstrom Rack from Philosophy Apparel. They are cheap and I own two. I wouldn’t wear them totally on their own like I would the Halogen one, but they look great under a blazer.

19. Any good ideas for a 9th anniversary gift for DH? The 9 year themes are pottery, willow, or leather. I’ve thought of a mug (pottery) or belt or shoes (leather), but I’m looking a little more outside the box. He’s a lawyer with his own small firm, and we have a 7 yo and just had a second baby this fall, if any of that matters.

    1. Hobbies?

    2. Leather portfolio or ipad/phone case? Clay handprints of the kids?

    3. A leather dresser valet, a set of leather coasters or a leather blotter for his desk. Many choices at places like Levenger and Overstock.

    4. A nice plant in a pottery pot for his office. Something hardy like a ZZ plant that won’t need high maintenance.

20. How long after a job is posted is it too late to post an application? 5 days? 14 days?

    1. If the job posting is still up, it’s not too late imo.

    2. I think as long as the posting is still up it’s fair game – if it’s more than, say, six weeks old (depending on the type of organization), you may be at a disadvantage if they’ve already done first rounds of interviews and liked someone, but it doesn’t hurt to try. They may be leaving it open because they haven’t gotten any good candidates.

21. A genuine shout-out to the men in my dept who do their share of the emotional labor, as confidantes and cheerleaders–and also those who have done 100% of the organizational labor associated with Christmas in the office.
    I’m not going to praise it excessively, because it should be the norm instead of the exception. But it’s nice that us women can just carry on with the substance of our work.

    1. I just had a male work friend without asking do something for me that was equivalent to not only being super supportive, but basically took on the emotional labor portion of something so I didn’t have to do it. #notallmen

22. Managing partner just told me that I can go buy my own chairs for my office and get reimbursed. Any good recommendations? Most people have something a little more fashionable for the chairs (not the desk chair) in their office, and I’m at a complete loss of where to look (or how much is reasonable to spend).

    1. From an orthopedic standpoint I recommend the Herman Miller Aeron chair. Not sure if it’s the look you’re going for though.

    2. Can you ask your colleagues about where they got theirs/how much they spent?

    3. This is an office chair, but I am OBSESSED with my bungee chair. (search “bungee office chair” and it should come up) It’s so comfortable, and it has a lot of the benefits of sitting on a yoga ball without any of issues (in my case – skirt riding up, rolling away when I wasn’t using it, and obsessive bouncing.)

23. DH left this to the last minute and came to me for help, but I’m of no help. His father (my FIL) is 80. Doesn’t leave the house much. Is a man of many means and has what he wants in life.

    DH has been planning to get him a weather station but I pointed out that his HOA may not allow it and turns out that is the case. Our back up idea had been getting a puzzle made of their neighborhood (nat geo does this), as he likes puzzles and would also find it neat, but it turns out it wouldn’t be ready by Christmas.

    We are getting my MIL (65) global entry, because even though they have tons of money, she’s too cheap to get it. She travels alone to visit us and will be making some international trips with a friend later this year. FIL doesn’t like to travel anymore.

    I guess consumable is the right way to go-but what? We got them a 6 month wine of the month tasting program last year which was ok- but they are pretty set in their wine ways at this point. He isn’t supposed to have lots of salt.

    We have kids that have made a bunch of stuff and are doing photo frames, but want to get FIL a “thing” as well. He putters around the lawn, yells at Fox News/CNBC, lives on a golf course but does not golf, has everything he needs for bird watching (and bird feeders are not allowed per HOA), and is getting a brand new super luxe master bathroom with a $15k cast iron bathtub (?!) put in. I thought maybe new towels but DH says that’s too boring and they’d be too picky.

    1. What about some kind of fancy portable emergency radio/television? So that if the electricity goes off he can continue his television yelling.

    2. What about a weather radio? My obsessed-with-emergency-preparedness dad likes his. Also, if weather watching is his thing, you can find those silly rocks that say “If the rock is white, it has been snowing, if the rock is wet, it has been raining,” and depending on his sense of humor, that might be fun. Also could appeal to the lawn-putterer in him.

    3. Honestly, do they need a present? Cashmere socks or some luxe accessory?

       1. No, they do not need presents at all. What MIL wants is for us to visit them, since FIL won’t/can’t travel (more in the won’t category), but we have 3 kids under 5 and one is quite sick, so it is temporarily out of the question. Which they know and understand but can still wish it weren’t so!

          It feels very odd to simply not get them anything. I still get my parents presents, but I can shop for them- my mom always likes sweaters and PJs and my dad is easy for me to get books and flannel for.

          1. I’d go ahead and get the puzzle, and just wrap a “it’s coming soon!” hint about it. The puzzle sounds like a great idea. Or order it now for next year.

    4. Omaha steaks?

    5. My father is much like your FIL, although he yells at CNN rather than Fox News.

       Consumables sound great. I tend to lean towards “not stuff” for a lot of people because most people we get gifts for can just go out and buy stuff if they want it, and getting people’s preferences just right is difficult anyways. I started sending my Dad various kinds of fruit shipments for his birthday, father’s day, and Christmas. He should eat more fruit, and he likes it. Especially the Harry & David pears (in winter) and stone fruits (in summer).

       1. They actually send US fruit for christmas (in addition to heaps and heaps of presents!). Feels a little weird to gift it right back to them. Any non-fruit non-wine low-ish in salt (as in, not bacon and smoked meats) consumable gift ideas? We already bought them See’s peppermint bark which they like.

          1. Oh man. What about coffee or tea? Some awesome salsas or jams? If he cooks or bakes, any spices he could use or particularly likes? For example, my husband curated about dozen different kinds of chili powder for my birthday.

          2. Cowgirl Creamery cheese collection! Went over so well with my difficult-to-buy-for MIL that she requested one this year.

       2. My parents sent me a “french themed” basket this year. It had cheeses, foigras, sausage, vinigar, olive oil, and snails in it. Maybe something niche like that would be fun if you wanted the consumables route. That being said, it was NOT a low sodium gift.

    6. This is not at all helpful but dear lord this is why I’ll never live in an HOA! Can’t imagine not being allowed to have bird feeders or a weather station!

    7. A hope chest of things he can do with the kids, later? Puzzles, Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty, Lincoln Logs?
       Mostly, OP, wanted to thank you for the weather station / puzzle mentions, because I’m looking for my dad and never would’ve thought of those! Thanks!

    8. We’re getting my FIL a game-cam to go with his bird-watching. They’re small and camoflauged, and don’t attract rodents (which I assume is the HOA’s objection to birdfeeders).

    9. Could you do a puzzle that is a picture of the kids? I suspect you would have to pay extra to get it in time, but it may be possible to expedite

    10. Is he specific to jigsaw puzzles, or would he like one of the puzzles from the Mysterious Package Company? Maybe sign him up for Storyworth, so you can share his life’s story with your kids?

24. Do you think that women with a more stereotypically male personality have an easier time overcoming sexism and related barriers at work? honestly reflecting on this and am curious.

    1. Not at all. Because the men in charge don’t know what to do with a woman they don’t want to f%^*. See: Hillary Clinton

       1. I say yes if you can have a male personality but still look f*ck@ble. Basically, the stereotypical cool girl.

    2. Nope. From experience, I’ve heard men call women “B”s or “ball – busters” for doing stuff that they do all the time. Its disheartening.

       Hilary had a great quote from an interview with Humans of New York that I think about a lot in relation to this topic. https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2016/09/122584/humans-of-new-york-hillary-clinton-photo.

    3. Nope, said as someone who falls on the masculine end of the spectrum because I’m outspoken, walk fast/authoritatively, talk very fast, opinionated, and I stand my ground on things I believe in. I’ve been classified as a shark, a pitbull, bossy, “a lot”, “high energy”, and intimidating. Surprisingly, once people actually speak to me vs. just watching me walk across the office, they suddenly realize that I’m quite nice and generally easy to work with. But I don’t play when I’m told to “pretend like you just don’t understand how X works and that MUST be why the figures aren’t adding up”. No, no that’s not why the simple math in the tables is not calculated correctly, it’s because dude who made said table effed it up. The feedback from my direct reports is that I’m fair, open, and helpful. Feedback from peers who collaborate with me regularly is that I’m smart, easy to work with, and do the work of 3-4 people. Feedback from my managers is that I do good work. So it’s really the dudes who screw up their dumb table math that think I’m “too much”, which I think is telling. I’ve toned things down since I was a brash teenager, but the reality is, I have never been a shrinking violet. I dress very feminine, wear make-up, have long hair, etc., but there’s no mistaking my confident presence and having that noted as un-feminine.

    4. If I understand your question correctly, I probably am one of these women. I tend to be seen as having more “male” personality traits – pretty aggressive, loud, assertive. I don’t know if I would say it is easier to overcome sexist barriers, but I will say I think my personality helps me: 1) care a lot less about what others think and go about having my (awesome) personality; and 2) call out sexist bullsh*t in real time, as it is happening.

       1. co-sign this. I have a leadership role in tech, and I’m pretty sure that having an overall ‘one of the boys’ style is partly what has helped me move upward in my career, partly because I just don’t care about whether everyone likes me, and partly because I “fit in” more easily than a more feminine woman might.

       2. Yep, this. I just don’t care that much about the occasional rudeness and either call it out or keep on with my agenda. The issue dissipates within a couple of interactions when the offender realizes that I’m smart and won’t take his sh*t. Oddly, I often get an apology (this happened twice in the last week, now that I think about it).

25. I’m in the market for a bra cup size tankini or modest bikini. Any recommendations for online stores with reasonable prices or sales right now?

    1. swimwearforall is my go to for this!

    2. Figleaves

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