Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Power Sheath Dress

308 Comments

1. Kat, I love this sheath dress from Nordstrom’s! It makes the model look so svelte and is available in size 00, a size I used to be able to fit into. Now I have to settle for size 2, largely b/c I must sit and work at my desk rather then walk at lunch. I am very sad that L&T will be closing it’s doors after the holidays–this shows that NOTHING is forever, not clotheing, not stores, and not boyfreinds or even husbands, b/c my freind Laurie who got divorced from her husband is now dating a guy that just wants her to do stuff for him and pay for him when they go out b/c he has no job or real money. Laurie gets money from her ex, but thinks she should NOT be paying for him b/c she gives him s-x, and that should be worth something. I told her that s-x is not something to be bought or sold, but now that she is no longer able or willing to be having babies, it is more of an economic thing, she says. I still think it sounds cheap, for him to be taking from her money for meals and living, and then getting s-x on top of all of that. I never want to be in that position with any boyfreind. FOOEY!

2. I want to love the Tahari one – the ranching actually looks rather nice on the dress – but the asymmetrical hem makes it look sloppy.

   1. I don’t love the Tahari one either but man I think that Theory dress is beautiful. I have 0 need for a new dress right now but if I did…

3. If you used to be a lawyer but have since pivoted into a different type of career, what are you doing now? Are you happier? Is your income potential the same? I am not entirely sure I love being a lawyer and pondering over my next move, perhaps something legal-adjacent (Professional Development at a law firm?)

   1. I’m a lobbyist. Heck yes I’m happy. I only represent clients I want to, having a law degree is directly relevant to drafting and advocating for legislation, and, when single and a couple years out of school, I was comfortable enough to own a condo in the close-in D.C. suburbs.

      As far as income potential, I don’t know where you live/what your priorities are, but you’d be hard pressed to find many jobs that offer the income potential of being a partner.

      I’d be careful of the idea that you have to love your job. It’s enough to like your job, to have some satisfactory balance of interesting work, nice coworkers or clients, and good pay, and to love the stuff you do outside of work, aka, the rest of your life. My work is decently interesting, my coworkers are friendly, and my salary is good…and I work about 45 hours per week. Do I care that I could earn more (maybe double my salary) if I practiced law? Nope.

      1. I’d be careful saying lobbying is lucrative, it can be in certain fields but if you’re working for the good guys you’re ultimately on a non-profit salary scale. I work with one of the most renowned environmental lawyers in the world, and they do a lot of lobbying but their salary is sub 100K despite drafting some of the most important environmental legislation. I know peers are on similar scales.

   2. All my friends who have left firms and the law are making much, much less money in lower-skill or gig economy jobs. I have one friend who left a legal academic position that was very low pay, so she is not making that much less. None of them seem especially happy, although they aren’t as desperately unhappy/anxious/depressed as they were in their previous positions. My advice based on their experience is make sure you have a solid plan before you leave – run toward something not just away from something.

   3. I can think of some ex-lawyer types among our professional development staff and I’m still just now sure what they do (or that a law degree is really required). Our BigLaw firm sheds staff when we don’t make numbers and being a relatively-expensive staff member in a cost center probably makes you vulnerable to getting axed. Then I’m not sure what you do next after that?

      I’d try to go into HR (where law is really a help) or some sort of profit center (contract admin) or working on lending (where law / drafting) would be helpful.

      Bottom line — if you don’t practice, be a profit center.

   4. I left my Big Law job after just 2.5 years. I now work in a legal-adjacent job at a major national non-profit organization that you probably donate to. I am 1000 times happier, my work is interesting, challenging, and fulfilling. I have near complete control over my hours (though still within the typical work day framework due to lots of meetings) and rarely work in the evenings/weekends unless I want to. I make about $150K a year, which is much less than I’d be making at a firm now that I’m 10 years out of law school, but I am more than comfortable with my salary and the lifestyle tradeoffs are more than worth it to me. I was miserable at my firm and hated every minute I was there. Personally, I feel like I chose having a life over having that career, and I haven’t regretted it for a second.

      1. Without outing yourself, can you say anything more about what kind of “legal-adjacent”job you have? It sounds ideal!

      2. Would you mind being a little more specific about your job function? I’m interested to learn about jobs in the non-profit sector that offer a similar level of compensation.

      3. I have a very specific, odd job, but I basically do a little bit of policy, a little bit of compliance, and a little bit of business operations. I came into the organization through its litigation department and segued over into this role after a couple of years. I started doing compliance and policy as a subject matter expert on something very specific that would definitely out me but that tied into our litigation work and as time has passed, have developed more of a business ops background. It’s great but sort of a unicorn job. Definitely has its downsides, but more good than bad!

   5. I left. I was in L+E for state government–public service was always my goal, never private firm of any size–and while I liked the service aspect, I hated the work. I never had the same income potential because, well, public service.

      Left to go to the world of PD/career development in law schools (not firms, but I know many who do that. Nice work if you can get it, but get to the top and make yourself invaluable). Loved it. Did it for almost 5 years, but I just made the shift to a similar role in a different professional grad school setting. Making more money than I probably would have in practice in state government. I use the skills and techniques I learned in law school and practice to communicate clear, organized ideas, quickly become an expert on complex new things, handle “clients,” and counsel people with big issues. I have no ego about the lawyer thing; I recognize that many people do (and that is fine!), so I shed it pretty easily. My life is waaaaayyyy better than it would have been if I’d stayed in practice: I get a decent amount of true time off, I can shut off outside the hours of 8:30am and 5pm, and I have so much more energy and headspace to live my life. Many people have these things in practice, too, but for me they came with leaving.

      1. I am in a litigation management position at an insurance company, definitely using my legal skills and experience. It took a while to adjust and I had to redefine my identity (to myself) as no longer a litigation partner. A few years in, though I have zero regrets. I make less money, but I am paid fairly, and my quality of life is SO much better. My mom guilt is reduced to almost none.

      2. Pompom, can you post a burner email? I’d love to talk to you more about your career path.

         1. Yes! Pompom – I am actually currently applying for this job and would be really interested to learn more from you, if you would share!

            1. Sure! My username followed by r e t t e (no spaces, obvs), at the mail of google.

   6. What don’t you like about being a lawyer? Maybe you can fix that.

   7. I did. I actually started directly out of law school as an in house attorney, which I know is the dream for a lot of people. But I wasn’t happy there either due to a variety of bad management. So I left and moved into a compliance/business facing side of the same work I was doing. I am A MILLION times happier. My hours are super flexible, I work from home 3 days a week, the work I do is interesting and fulfilling, etc. Literally, this is my dream. I did take a pay cut, but for my low cost of living city, I make more than enough. And compared to my in house track, the earning potential on the business side is just as high, so theoretically I could make more.

   8. I practiced law for 6 years and then left to be a writer. My career change was because of geography – I followed my husband to a small town in the South and the (small) firms here were just not a good fit in many ways (and I had zero desire to be a solo) – and not because I was unhappy being a lawyer. That said, I like my new career a lot and I love having work-life balance and not billing my time. I make less money (about 2/3 of what I made as an associate here, but significantly less than 1/2 of what I could have made as a partner) but I have no regrets. And now that I have a baby I’m so grateful that my job is 9-5 with no weekends or evenings ever.

      1. Initially I was thinking you were writing novels, but perhaps not. What sorts of things do you work on?

         1. I’m a marketing writer, but I don’t think of myself as a marketer because I don’t do any social media or ad campaigns. I just report and write stories about what my org is doing. I think my day-to-day is kind of similar to a journalist (interviewing people and writing news stories) but obviously less objective since I’m representing my particular organization.
            I also do some freelance travel writing but the pay from that is nil. It’s very fun though!

   9. I left working as an attorney for the govt. to an HR position at a Fortune 100 Company. I’m not traditional HR, but more regulatory, and I love it. I make more than I made as a govt attorney; and my bonus my first year working in corporate America was more than my starting salary as an attorney working for the govt. I’m not exaggerating! I really like my job, the money is great, and I feel like I have the best of both worlds!! If you can find the right position at the right place, I have a feeling you’ll never look back the way I did! Good luck!!

   10. I left law (in house at a software company) to take an HR job at an arts nonprofit and I LOVE it. I took a huge pay cut to take this job (fully cut 1/3 of my salary), but I am fortunate that my wife was supportive of trying to make it work (and she is the higher earner). Now my position and salary have grown a bit, which helps a lot. I do use my legal background quite a bit, and having me around means the nonprofit spends less time tracking down board members to answer simple legal questions. The only downside v. private practice for me is that it’s much harder for me to work from home–I still do sometimes, but it’s important to be on-site for the employees here. The arts tend to be a bit behind, technology-wise, so calling into meetings is harder. We’ve got small kids, and the rat race of two full-time jobs away from the home is tough.

       All that said, I do keep my eyes open for my unicorn: a fully remote (work from home) position doing HR-related work for a nonprofit I care about.

       If you’re interested in Professional Development, I suggest looking into HR, or even transition via an in-house position with an employment law focus. HR is needed virtually everywhere, and the income potential is pretty high at the VP+ level at bigger companies.

   11. I left after 8 years and moved into legal innovation/tech supporting lawyers, as I always had an interest in tech. It is a significant pay cut, but I feel like it has been worth it and am much happier. You could also look at going to work for one of the LegalTech companies in some type of business role – many of them want to hire former lawyers as they will be better able to understand their law firm customers.

   12. I left my law firm to be an in house lobbyist for a large financial services company that was one of my clients. It was the best decision I ever made. My hours are less crazy; I make more money salary wise and bonus wise; and I love my job; and I am not worried about billable hours.

4. I’m looking for a nice leather tote that can handle my laptop when I take it home, as well as serving as an everyday purse. I am leaning towards the Cuyana leather tote with an insert. But I was wondering if any of you had other suggestions for totes that you like? Budget is less than $300. TIA!

   1. Dagne Dover Allyn? less than $300 with the sale through tomorrow.

      I have the cuyana bag with insert and while I like it, would not use for commuting.

      1. I also have the Cuyana tote with insert and find that my Surface laptop with charger, thin notebook, wallet, sunglasses, small cosmetic bag, and umbrella will make the bag ridiculously overstuffed. It’s great as a large purse (my daughter calls it my “mommy bag”), but not as a work bag.

         1. That’s so weird. I have the cuyana structured tote and the zipper tote and both of them hold all of that stuff for me with room to spare. I don’t use the insert.

            1. Same. It’s a big bag. If you need to hold more stuff than that then you should probably be using a backpack. I think tote bags that are much larger than the Cuyana look ridiculous.

            2. It’s not the size, it’s the fact that the bag doesn’t have enough internal structure or organization even with the insert. All of the things end up in a single layer and push the sides of the bag out.

   2. I got a Rebecca Minkoff MAB tote from TheRealReal, and paid less than $100 for it. I was looking for a tote that could hold my laptop and other things and that had an external zip pocket for my phone. Good luck!

5. What snow boots are you wearing this winter? My trusty old Sorel Joan of Arctics are still doing the job but looking worn. This might be their last year, so I’d like to get another pair. Budget is $150. Since I already have this pair with all the fur around the calf, I’d like something a little sleeker. Suggestions?

   1. I wear leather, waterproof Uggs. They aren’t sleek per se, but they are great quality and keep my feet very warm.

   2. I bit the bullet and bought LL Bean boots with GoreTex and Thinsulate. I haven’t worn them in snow yet but fiance has and raved about how warm and waterproof they are. There was a 25% off coupon that brings them into your price range–I think it’s good through today.

      1. I’d buy another pair of Sorels! I love my Joan of Arctics!

         1. Sorels were on sale at Zappos yesterday – not sure about now.

   3. Manitoba Mukluks. Warm to -32C/-27F. Waterproof options available. The vibram sole has forever warranty. They’re beautiful and ethically produced by a Canadian indigenous company.

   4. I love my Sorel Joan of Arctics…so that would be my vote. I have ones without the fur puff, so they are very minimally sleeker.

      1. +1 to Sorel – I LOVE mine. Just got my new pair after wearing the old ones for almost 5 years including for the winter I lived in northern Sweden. The old ones could have gone a while longer, but I wanted a new color.

6. 1. Husband didn’t have football in college. Stepchild is now attending a school with a BIG football program. Husband has now taken to wearing school gear all of the time he isn’t at work and going up to similarly-logoed people at the grocery store or on the street and accosting them with a “Go XYZ” which often startles them. How long will this phase last? This is a local team to us and he has never cared about them or college football until now (so it is also now Saturday college football yelling followed by Sundays where there is yelling due to a similar obsession with an perpertually mediocre NFL team; or my annoyance at “I can’t do ABC b/c of THE GAME.” (Dude — if this is so important, put the schedule on your calendar; it ain’t that hard)). [Husband’s game watching style is annoying to me — refuses to watch in a social setting but wants to scream alone (or not with non-family people over) at his TV but everyone else must maintain silence so he can follow the game.] UGH. UGH. Perhaps will input game schedule into my calendar and just plan to be at a spa / going out for a run / drinks with friends every weekend until bowl games are over???

   2. Relative announced her conversion to veganism on Thanksgiving, followed by some social media postings about how the rest of us have blood on their hands. Nice, right? I don’t think that she understands what veganisn entails (esp. re dairy, leather, etc.). Which is fine — you do you, you do veganism your way. How long does the preaching on social media last? [Perhaps until Santa gives her a copy of Veganism for Dummies? If this book doesn’t exist, it needs to.] I will note that in her part of the country, it is hunting season and you can imagine how well this is going over. [Also, lest you think that this is a college-aged SJW, this is an older country club type, so I’m shaking my head a bit at all this.]

   1. Sounds like you would be much happier if you quit social media and set up a man cave where your husband could watch the game undisturbed and without disturbing anyone else.

      I wish my husband were into sportsball so I could do my own thing once in a while without feeling guilty for ignoring him.

      1. No way — man caves are just a way for men to duck out of family life all together and think that they don’t need to balance their mere wants with the wants / needs of others. They are a part of the d*mn family. If I had a part of the house for ballet and yoga and spent 3+ hours there ignoring my family every weekend and periodically during the week, the mom hate for me would be vicious.

         1. But if my husband spent 3 hours in a man cave then I would have 3 hours to go to yoga and ballet!

            1. Or you could just do that anyway and trust your (hopefully) adult husband to manage his own life for a few hours?

         2. But nothing in OP’s post implies that her husband is shirking any responsibilities, ignoring kids, etc. She doesn’t even say that she has kids living in the house, and the step-kid is in college. She even suggests a potential solution for her to go out and do her own thing.

            I’m not agreeing that a man cave is the solution here. But OP’s husband’s obsession with college football may be more of an attempt to feel connected to his college-age kid than a way to shirk responsibilities.

   2. Ha, the juxtaposition of these two “conversions” is hilarious. My vegan phase lasted a year, but I was 15, so no help here.

   3. I have an older relative who has been a vigorous user of social media, esp. re dietary and GI issues. However Facebook filters posts, it doesn’t yet censor for TMI. At any rate, this relative is also a recent convert to being a vegan (she says) but I sincerely think that she means “vegetarian.” I’m sure it will last a month or so. This is no doubt why the young kids have abandoned FB — too many olds talking about their bowel issues.

   4. Aw, I actually think your husband’s conversion is kind of sweet. Albeit probably super annoying to you.

      As for your relative – oof.

      1. I was actually just thinking this. I never cared about college sports (at least not since I left college; my school football team was pretty good while I was there) but got much more interested when my kid started at a school with a top-25 team. I was a way for us to bond, gave me the sense that we were still connected, and gave us something to talk about (and sometimes do together).

         It is three hours maybe 14 Saturdays a year. My recommendation is to plan to do something out of the house while he watches the games, ignore the enthusiasm, and remember this will probably end in four years (unless step son remains a huge fan). At least he has not taken up golfing or fishing.

   5. I’ve been a vegetarian for two decades, and I do take issue with the “do veganism” the way you want. When one “vegan” drinks milk and eats omelettes, people then think that it’s what vegans do. (I’ve struggled a lot to explain to people that vegetarians don’t eat turkey burgers and my refusal to eat turkey burgers doesn’t make me vegan.)

      Words have meaning.

      1. No doubt words have meanings.

         When someone is being flat-out rude on social media, I just ignore. Call people who eat meat murderers, that’s on you. Pointing out that, what shall we say, “classically-trained” vegans don’t eat brie and may find it hard to find “vegan””leather” spikes for golfing is really not job a task I care to add to my list.

      2. Yes but micromanaging the recently-proclaimed veganism of a relative is a fate worse than document review in a windowless room with broken A/C and someone brought in tuna for lunch.

         1. SNORT. But also true (said as a vegan who would never ever do something like this and also would never ever tell anyone else how to eat).

   6. No advice just laughing with you.

      The parents of one of my closest friends, when we were all just out of college, switched their football allegiance from my friend’s small but respectable college team (the school the parents had also attended) to Norte Dame, because my friend’s older sibling was getting an MBA there. A distance learning MBA. They were all decked out in Notre Dame gear every weekend, used all their vacation time to fly to wherever Notre Dame is for games, and talked non stop about this year’s chances for x bowl. They were ridiculous but they got over it in a couple of years. I hope the same for your husband.

      Also I agree about the man cave. It’s a culturally accepted way of getting out of family obligations and I don’t think it’s cool or funny. These are the same men who claim they “help out” around the house or “babysit” their own kids. Just no.

      1. OMG those ND people are crazy. I have seen some people become nomads in retirement just to follow the team in their RVs. Like deadheads, but older.

         I went to NYU. Not sure if we even had sports teams.

         1. What, you never went to the sporting events of the mighty Violets? I think they’re decent at fencing and not much else (and don’t have a football team). I’m glad I went to a school for undergrad with good sports that I can follow, because NYU is decidedly not.

      2. I used to think the same thing about man caves, but sometimes I’d just like the breathing room a man cave would give me!

         1. I want a man cave so my SO can shout at Penn State/the Eagles/the Sixers/every mediocre Philadelphia sports franchise in existence in peace. I love him and he is appropriately engaged and helpful around the house, and much more excited about kids than I am…but I really could do without listening to him scream at sportsball. Oh, and Halo.

            I mean, I go for a run, meet friends, escape to the bedroom with my laptop, snug up on the couch with a book and use it as an anthropological exercise, etc. We don’t have any friends in the area who meet his ideological purity standards for sports-watching, unfortunately, so I can’t even invite people over to make it a social event.

      3. I personally love having a man cave in our house. After a long day of constant interaction, I want to watch tv in peace (read: ALONE) and so does he. Plus, he doesn’t monopolize the living room tv on Sundays with football. And I often send the kids down there to play with him while he watches, so it’s pretty much a win-win.

   7. 1. Never. Married to husband who grew up in SEC country, attended school with no football program, moved with me to SEC stronghold city (where I went to law school), and wears SEC school stuff 100% of the time, even to work. The football watching/attendance (season ticket holders) has been negotiated so that he can go, but he does all the chores/things he has to do before hand so that I can relax and do my own thing. I will usually go to one game during the season. It’s a short travel to the SEC city, so it is by no means convenient for anyone in our household, but it is his “non-negotiable.” Since I am typical Type A personality, I have a ton of non-negotiables, so I can’t complain and I’ve made it work as best I can. But it’s silly and I wouldn’t choose it for our family. However, I put my foot down that we are a one team family, so while he keeps up with the NFL/NHL/basketball teams of his choice, he knows that they are absolutely bottom priority and he rarely watches or attends.

      2. Hide her on social media and do not let yourself wonder over to her page. I did this with my MIL and it helped with her not stealing my peace. She is the type to believe all the hoaxes and theories from literal fake-news sites. She won’t change, but I can change my reaction to it by ignoring the posting and addressing it as needed in real life.

   8. Oh man, here’s my 2 cents:
      1) I’ll never understand why some people invest so much energy in watching/keep up with sports teams. Sure a game is fun to watch here and there, but the level of emotional investment some people have is baffling to me.

      2) Block your relative on social media. No one wants to hear judgy comments. She may get better, or she may not.

7. I think you should put noise canceling headphones on your Christmas list and sneakily unfollow the vegan relative.

8. How many identical sleeveless sheath dresses are you going to post every week. This site has become so boring.

   1. I totally disagree. There are endless variations on a sheath dress, and I’ve learned a lot from Kat’s commentary on the subtleties. Many of us wear a sheath as the foundation for a “uniform.” So I really appreciate the content! Good for me, not for you, I guess.

      1. I agree, but wish that Kat would suggest specific accessories or jackets to go with them.

         1. +1

9. What could we get DH’s grandma for christmas? She loves opera, but already gets to go whenever she can find transportation. We usually find her a random book about it, but it’s hard to chose one of suitable depth, since I know nothing. Ideas?

   (To pre-empt the suggestion, DH handles most of the shopping for his big family, but I’m close to them too, so I get involved when I want too.)

   1. I love opera too. But I don’t think I’d welcome a lot of opera themed gifts because I have what I want already. Since you said whenever she can find transportation, how about some help with transportation? I don’t know if you can set her up with an Uber account and some funds on it or something like that.

      Failing that, I like this shawl for the opera.

      https://store.metmuseum.org/floral-bouquet-border-shawl-80024210

      1. Well, I didn’t mention that she’s over 90. I think Uber might be beyond her. Transportation usually means either the senior bus or family visitors.
         I doubt she has much “opera stuff”, just because of her means–can you mention any of what you have that you like?

         1. If family visitors are the transportation, could you just get her tickets to an opera and provide the transport?

   2. What about a gift card to a restaurant near the theater / opera house, so she can get dinner beforehand?

      1. Or maybe, if transportation is an issue, and she is technically inclined, gift cards to uber? Or gift certificate to a taxi/limo driving service?
         If not I wonder if there is maybe a bus trip or something she would like to go on.

   3. NY Times gift guide has an opera CD box set recommended by their Classical Music critic

   4. There are subscription sites online that are like Netflix for opera. I’ve been tempted.

   5. Tickets to the Met auditions or open rehearsals! Maybe because I’ve been in the musical world, but they aren’t really advertised and are fantastic, unique insights into the process.

   6. If you are near her or would visit her I would plan a day out where you provide transportation to the opera and take her to dinner or lunch. Spending time with people is probably the most important gift you can give her and she would be able to do that while doing something she enjoys – priceless! Just give her a coupon for this fun upcoming day as the gift.

      1. Sadly we live days of travel away, and only see her when we can both meet at MIL/FILs house over Christmas (maybe 3 days this year).

10. As we’re getting into tights and stocking season, I’m remembering again that I need to up my game in the slip department… Some of my dresses (like MM Lafleur) are lined but with a fabric that seems to cling to nylons or tights. I replaced my old half-slip with a new one, which I was hoping would be more slippery, but it’s still fairly clingy.
    Is the secret a more expensive slip? Do I need to upgrade to real silk-satin? If anyone has any specific recommendations for a slippery slip, I would really appreciate it!

    1. Slips are for when the fabric itself is rough and will catch on tights.

       Slips are still subject to static cling, though, which is prevalent in the winter. Have you tried static guard on the inside of the slip to see if that helps?

       1. Yeah, I have tried that and it doesn’t help. I think the fabric that they are using to line some dresses (and cheap slips, apparently) is polyester which is maybe not rough to feel, but doesn’t glide in the way that I would like. Or that I remember dresses or slips used to do.

    2. No one wears slips. Rub a dryer sheet inside the dress of rub your tights with lotion.

       1. Um, I do, under all my dresses and they fall much better. I like the commando slips – they’re plain and have little weights in the seam to keep them in place.

       2. I am fascinated with this comment. Is this a generational thing? Because I feel like slips are essential during tights season, unless the skirt is lined or very stiff. But when I needed a new one recently, it was really hard to find one, and I definitely got the impression that “kids these days” don’t wear slips. How is this possible? what do you do when your dress is a little see-through on the bottom or when the fabric would stick to your tights? Dryer sheets are a partial fix, but don’t really solve the cling issue and don’t address the sheer issue at all…

          1. I don’t wear sheer things or I don’t care if someone catches a glimpse of knee and dryer sheets and lotion works fine. This 35 year old kid never wears slips they are not a thing.

             1. I’m 34 and I wear slips. I love them. They make everything look better.

                (But the one or two that I have are quite old, so I have no idea where you can buy one. Probably Macy’s).

             2. Sorry to beat a dead horse, but how do you use lotion to stop the skirt from clinging to tights? Are you seriously putting lotion on top of your tights or on the underside of your skirt? As for the sheer factor, I’m talking about work dresses that are pretty thin and you can see not only knees (which of course I’d be fine with) but also thighs and all if I’m standing in front of a window. If the youngs have figured out a better solution to all of this, I’m all ears, but so far, I’m not hearing them. (Will try dryer sheets again, though…)

          2. Thank you both for making me feel a little less crazy. This site has gotten unfortunately mean over the past year(ish). It’s a perfectly reasonable question.
             I’ll check out commando slips. Thank you!

             1. Omg it is not mean to say slips aren’t a thing!

             2. But it is incorrect, so.

             3. Seriously, the weird sensitivity and tone policing here can be ridiculous. Just because somebody doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they’re a tr0ll.

          3. I am 45 and have never worn a slip in my life.

             1. 41 and yes I totally wear slips. Look at TJ Maxx or Macy’s; Commando does have really nice ones, so does Hanro. Spanx makes crazy tight ones if you want smoothing as well.

             2. Counterpoint, 39 and wear slips. I wear 100% cotton ones from Target. They dont seem to cling as much as the polyester ones.

       3. Put me in the old-fogey (51) slip-wearing territory. They do make skirts and dresses fall better. But, if you don’t act like wearing a slip is a moral failing, I won’t act like failure to wear one is.

          Kohl’s and Target usually have pretty good selections.

          1. I don’t think it’s a moral failing I think it’s dated and not something young people do and not necessary.

             1. It’s a personal preference, I think it is a little dated like wearing hose when it’s warm out, but so what? Stores sell them and people wear them. It is a little mean to imply that older people’s clothing choices are passé and “not a thing”. A) it’s not really true, many older people dress and look young and many young people manage to look older than they are, and B) young people will be old pretty soon and may wish younger people treat them nicer.

             2. How can a thing look dated if you can’t see it? Nobody knows I’m wearing a slip. If the skirt is sheer, it would just look like the skirt is lined. It’s not like girdles where you could tell a woman’s figure was different if she was wearing a girdle vs. not.

             3. I think it’s really hard to speak for *all* people doing a thing. Is it less common for younger people to wear slips? Sure. But why – are younger people less likely to wear skirts at all, and therefore don’t think/know about all the skirt accessories? Are younger people less likely to know about slips as an option? Maybe more young people would wear slips with their skirts/tights if they knew it was an option (and worked to solved the cling factor).

                And just because the Youngs aren’t doing a thing, doesn’t mean it’s dated (aka bad) and the Youngs have a better way of doing it. It may mean they just don’t know better.

                But, you do whatever works for you. I think it’s weird to put lotion on your clothing.

             4. I am curious if you ever wear lined skirts. It works as a slip, and is basically the same thing. Or is that “dated” too?

          2. I’m 33 and Im wearing a slip right now!

    3. Which MMLF dresses tend to have this issue?

       1. For example, I’m wearing the Casey dress today and the lining is a polyester which sticks like velcro to my hose.

       2. Most MMLF dresses have the problem, since most are unlined. That’s no different than other unlined dresses but makes it hard to wear them in winter. Living in the frozen tundra, tights are a necessity but (without a slip–sorry) they can cause the skirt to bunch up.

    4. WinterSilks. Real silk. Washes easy in the shower, roll in a towel to dry. If you have a super extra staticky dress (or it’s really dry air), you can dry my trick: silk shorts over tights, followed by the slip. They carry nice silk shorts too.

       And I’m 35 and have been wearing slips for at least 10 years. I would rather wear a nice silk slip that feels amazing on my skin than have to tug on my dress all day. I don’t know why that’s old-fashioned, it’s a completely practical choice in my book. I don’t understand where the tradeoff is (i.e. what is BAD about slips?). There are women here every summer asking about shorts under dresses. This is the exact same concept people!

       Link below – These are a bit long so I have hemmed mine but I am 5’1. I think they are 42″ long in size small. I’m sure there are other places to get these but I have not found another reliable online source.

       https://wintersilks.blair.com/p/8911.uts?productVariantId=1869945&src_code=IKSPLAGS&cid=pl_ws_google_pla_gen&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0P7KiL713gIVkiCtBh2t_gLxEAQYASABEgKlYPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

       1. Thank you!! Heads up, these are 50% off right now, I just ordered a couple

11. What are people’s thoughts on “misgendering”? A prominent Canadian feminist was just permanently suspended from Twitter (and now her feminist website is down) for correctly identifying a pedophile as male. Said pedophile, who identifies as a woman, was caught posting requests for advice on how to approach 10-year-old girls in the women’s bathroom to help them change their tampons. Is this really what people want – not only can you not identify male criminals when you see them, but you should actually be banned from one of the world’s most popular platforms for exchanging thoughts and ideas for doing so? Genuinely curious to hear the other side here because I’m really having trouble seeing why people are celebrating what I view as dangerous censorship.

    And please, let’s not derail this into a “the first amendment only prohibits the government from restricting speech” strawman. Twitter purports to be ideologically neutral and a champion of exchange of ideas.

    1. Why does it matter whether this criminal is male or female?

       1. Because the vast majority of all violence and sexual abuse is committed by males. This isn’t an ideological position – it’s a fact born out in every country and every study. It matters very much indeed when we consider whether males should be permitted to share private spaces with females. I, for one, feel secure and confident in saying that I do not think it is desirable for a male who wishes to help my young daughter with her tampon to have unfettered access to the changing room.

          1. But you’re cool with a female stranger helping your daughter insert a tampon? Ummm no. This isn’t acceptable from ANY stranger regardless of how they identify. GTFOOH

          2. How am I not supposed to believe that you’re the poster who regularly tries to stir up controversy about men in women’s bathrooms? Ughghghghghgh so over this tr0lling.

             NO ONE THINKS MEN WHO WANT TO MOLEST YOUNG GIRLS SHOULD HAVE ACCESS TO WOMEN’S SPACES. You are intentionally misrepresenting the issue. You insist on framing the question whether people should be allowed to use the bathrooms that correspond with their gender identity as whether we should allow men to use women’s bathrooms (with the implicit assumption that men will use this opportunity to assault women and girls). I understand why you conflate these questions, but it’s reductive and intellectually dishonest. It’s also unproductive and solves none of the concerns that this issue raises. Stop it.

             And yeah I’d be extremely uncomfortable if a strange woman sought out my daughter to help her “insert a tampon.” And I’d call mall security if she did, even if she looked like a woman in a woman’s space. Because she would be behaving inappropriately.

    2. The main thing about misgendering is that it makes people feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I have no problem making a pedophile feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Twitter is chasing the smaller fish here.

    3. I think that intentionally misgendering someone is kind of awful, and justifying doing so because that someone was allegedly a “bad person” doesn’t change that it’s kind of awful. You don’t get to use racial slurs because you find one black person who is a criminal. Why should you get to be disrespectful to transgender people because one is a criminal (allegedly, I guess, I’m not familiar with the story)? I think that your perspective on it is fairly clear from your use of the word “correctly” regarding the identification of the person as a male. If the person identifies as a woman, then the “correct” gender is female.

       1. OP are you saying that the pedophile does not actually identify as female and is claiming to be trans so they can go into women’s bathrooms? There already is a dangerous association with pedophilia and the LGBT+ community, I hope this person isn’t taking advantage of that.

          1. No, this person claims to be female 100%, although this person makes no effort to appear as such.

          2. Not the OP, but I think the claim is that the assailant is not actually transgender, but is exploiting protections for transgender people to get access to victims.

             1. No, that is incorrect. The person in question does indeed identify as transgender. How you verify that is unclear, but the person is sincere in the belief and has been making a determined stand to be recognized as such.

             2. “How you verify that is unclear, but the person is sincere in the belief”

                Can you explain how you evaluate the sincerity of belief?

             3. I meant that the person appears to be sincere in the belief. As I said, there is no way to verify, but the current standard today is to accept how people identify based on their personal feelings.

             4. Yes, that is the current standard. The question is whether it should be the standard in every single situation, or if it should be the default, able to be overridden by extraordinary circumstances.

       2. +1, RR.

          I was just thinking yesterday how nice it was that I hadn’t noticed a post from our residence transmisogynist(s) in a while. Sigh.

    4. Maybe she should just refer to this person as “the pedo” and leave the gender out of it. I don’t really care about gender, whether proclaimed or per chromosomes, but I do care about skeevy behavior, which rightly deserves to be called out.

    5. “Is this really what people want – not only can you not identify male criminals when you see them, …”

       Well, to be precise, this isn’t exactly what’s happening. It’s not that she can’t identify criminals when she sees one, she was (rightfully or wrongfully) criticized for calling this criminal male, not for identifying this person as a criminal. I don’t feel like wading into a debate on misgendering/what Twitter should have done (in part because this seems like common tr0ll bait that’s tossed around here lately re: transgender issues and bathroom bills) but I do not believe that this incident represents a threat to people’s abilities to identify and call out criminal behavior. In this instance, solely based on what you’ve written, I do not see how whether this person identifies as male or female is relevant to the fact that they are a pedophile.

    6. First, this pedophile identifies as a woman, so if you call said pedophile a man you are misgendering. Regardless, women can be pedophiles too. A pedophile is a pedophile no matter how they identify. I don’t understand why this person didn’t identify the pedophile as a woman pedophile. Pedophilia is no less awful coming from a woman. If she wanted to highlight the awfulness, why didn’t she just say XYZ Person is a pedophile. it would have been a great opportunity to educate people that pedophiles come in all genders instead of turning it into a who uses what bathroom issue (which is I assume what happened, but haven’t done any research).

       Second, I have no opinion on what Twitter does TBH.

       1. +1 to all of this.

          Twitter isn’t the only place people can voice their opinions. They have a TOS and they can do what they want.

          1. You don’t find it at all sinister that a major American company is censoring feminist analyses? Really, in the age of of Trump? We’re not talking about censoring phony accounts or Russian bots here – Twitter removed the account of a well-known academic and professional feminist who has written on countless subjects over the years merely because she used the pronoun “he” to refer to a male pedophile. I find that alarming indeed.

             1. I don’t find it sinister. Twitter can kick people off for whatever reason it wants. Twitter does not make a pattern and practice of censoring feminist analyses. You are misrepresenting this situation. I don’t do the tweets, but I expect that this tweet caused significant discord. I doubt that twitter staffs philosophy majors to proactively review tweets and that someone read this one and decided to remove it “merely” because she used the pronoun “he.” From twitter’s perspective, this is it moderating a specific post to respond to a specific concern articulated by its community, not a part of an intentional effort to censor feminist analyses. Even good things (feminist analyses) can and should be censored if they contain other offensive content. If I write a feminist analyses and include some racism, and twitter removes it, twitter is removing it because of the racism, not because of the feminist analysis.

    7. I’m not really finding news coverage of this so I guess I can’t weigh in with an informed opinion, but it seems like if there was so much to criticize about this person, why was misgendering even a focus of her critique at all? Also, I truly think some of this swirl you may be reading about is courtesy of the Russian troll farm. One of the articles that popped up when I searched it was from RT! Another was from a site that had an article claiming that that missionary who was killed by the Sentinelese was a martyr and not a misled man who risked killing an entire population of uncontacted people with his zealotry. I know you have an axe to grind here and repeatedly bring up variations on this topic, but maybe consider the news source.

       1. It was published in the American Conservative. The story was originally exposed on a radical feminist blog, but since the writer was a woman, she was targeted much more harshly for “misgendering” and her blog has since been taken down by the host. Males who misgender other males don’t lose their platforms in the same way.

          1. Hmm, a search for “Meghan Murphy” on their website doesn’t turn up anything… Honestly if it’s her own website, there’s no reason why she can’t keep publishing what she wants to. If she violated her hosting company’s TOS and was conveniently banned at the same unlikely time she got banned from Twitter for violating their TOS, she could easily stand up her blog elsewhere. It’s not like there’s a great conspiracy on high censoring her.

             1. You need to search for Jonathan Yaniv. Their story was published prior to Meghan getting banned.

             2. I found a story but there is no menton of anyone getting banned in it?? I get you have a lot of feelings about this issue, but I think this is a topic that trolls have really matched onto as a way to further the partisan divide and you need to be very careful that you’re getting legit news and aren’t getting swept away by people stirring the controversy pot for page views. I’m sure Russia would love to fire up people and make them think that feminists are being censored to distract from other political issues and stoke outrage, but if you think about it, it’s basically just a story about someone being banned from Twitter after repeatedly violating their TOS. Much more banal and not quite a newsworthy headline.

    8. I’m not clear on whether this criminal predator is actually is trans. Trans people can be predators, just like cisgender people can be. The statistics show transgender people are far more likely to be victims than victimize, but anything is possible. I will call someone the gender they prefer and use their preferred pronouns. I’m not the gender police.

       1. Agreed, this person is a pedophile plain and simple. Its gender is completely irrelevant.

    9. This is such a conservative straw man. One transgender person committed a crime, therefore all transgenderism is wrong. Massive eye roll.

       1. I’m the OP and that is not the point (nor am I conservative). I am making no comment on whether “transgenderism” (to use your word) is “wrong.” I am making the point that I do not believe it is good for society for an American company that purports to be a platform for free thought to censor a feminist because she used a male pronoun to describe a biologically male pedophile. Do you?

          1. I think it’s pretty $hitty to purposefully misgender someone. That’s turning a crime that can be committed by either gender into a transgender issue. The issue is how do we protect children against pedophiles of any gender, instead of that women are always safer than men and sure you can let a strange woman touch your body just not a man. Come on.

          2. Not Anon at 11:06, but yes, I do. They have terms and conditions. She violated them (and kind of acted like a jerk by misgendering someone). The end.

             1. The question was about the wisdom of the
                application of the Ts and Cs in this instance. The OP specifically said that.

             2. So women can get banned for being jerks, but the rest of the creeps on Twitter, including those who stalk feminist accounts to report thoughtcrimes, are totes cool. Got it.

             3. The way you get at Twitter is to not use it, get your friends not to use it, start a competing service, etc.

             4. No, the rest of the creeps aren’t cool. But the solution is to police all of it, not to not police this.

          3. We get it. We understand what you are after. You want validation on your position that it is okay to misgender people. This ties into your broader concern about the intersection of rights for transpeople and feminism. You’ve shared this with us before. You’re blowing this way out of proportion as well–and you know it–attempting to draw sweeping conclusions about what’s going on in society and what is good for society based on the removal of a tweet (which likely caused significant controversy).

             1. This comment was meant for Anon at 12:09; not sure why it didn’t nest correctly.

    10. Calling Meghan Murphy a “prominent Canadian feminist” is something of a stretch…she’s a trolling, trouble-stirring TERF with a blog.

        1. +1. She’s awful.

           Gettin’ real tired of you beating this horse, OP.

    11. I think you’ve posted anti-transgender comments and leading questions on here before.
        Obviously this criminal is a terrible human being.
        What more do YOU want out of this hive mind? Do you want to rile us feminists up, prove that we are or are not something?
        If you’re not the same person, maybe you can all go join your own forum to be anti-transgender together.

    12. You lost credibility for me when you said this caused her to be permanently suspended from Twitter. Twitter won’t even suspend white supremacists so I 100% don’t buy your comment at face value.

        1. You don’t have to take what OP says about face value. You can very easily look it up yourself.

12. I’ve had an incredibly draining last few years, both personally and professionally. Many of you ladies have been a great support at various times, and you always have good advice. I know this question’s been asked a million times in various shades, but here goes.

    What do you do to take care of yourself when you feel overwhelmed and like you’ve ground through all the padding you had for daily foibles/annoyances? I’m starting counseling. This is a more brass-tacks immediate life question. I went from Demanding Job A to Demanding Job B with a steep learning curve, most of my house is still in boxes, and despite spending the entire Thanksgiving weekend (including taking an extra day off!) trying to remedy that, it’s slow going with a barnacle toddler who wants my attention constantly (and I want to give her attention!). I am becoming a bitter, unpleasant person who feels like everything is just one more task on my list. My husband is very supportive and shoulders a ton of the load, but he is dealing with some chronic health conditions that still require my giving him more energy than I really have.

    I don’t want to look at my husband, child, friends, colleagues, and family members and see only a list of obligations, but that’s where I am. I just feel so overwhelmed and like I am a whisper among all the loud needs of others crowding out my head space and time. My meals never get eaten– always sit somewhere getting cold while I’m tending to someone else’s needs. I am prioritizing sleep, but doing that makes me feel irresponsible and like I should just…not until I feel like I am ahead of all of the things enough to catch my breath. But they keep piling up as fast as I can take care of them. It’s sisyphean.

    I think some of this is the natural outcome of change, but it’s lasted for several months now. I just want to run away. The fantasy of just fleeing all of the zillion, never-ending obligations sounds like the only thing making me want to keep trudging on. What do I do? How do I get out of this emotional swamp?

    (Re self care. I hate going to spas, getting my nails done, and shopping. I don’t drink.)

    1. Oh gosh, the unpacked house would be my major concern and source of stress. I agree that nails, shopping etc aren’t going to help and think you should throw money at this problem. Hire a super fun babysitter to take your kid someplace while you blitz the unpacking. Hire a teenager to come help you move things around. Do you have a grandparent or a retired auntie who might come and help out?

    2. Self care isn’t about manicures and shopping. It’s about figuring out how to keep you going. And I think step one is counseling. You’re not failing at daily life tasks! You’re taking on too much. I know it feels like you should be able to do it all but you can’t. What can you stop doing? Who can you tell that you need help? How much support can you hire? My house cleaner would unpack boxes for sure. I’d have to let go of perfection but it would get done. Why aren’t you eating? Feed toddler, put toddler to bed, eat your own dinner.

    3. Could DH take the toddler away for a weekend? Could you pay for a nanny to watch the toddler while you take care of the house stuff?

       1. Could you go away for the weekend with toddler and let your husband unpack?

    4. If possible, just take a moment, stop, and breathe. You clearly have too much going on if you regularly don’t have time to eat – things have to give. If you have to bow out of commitments, then you need to do so. Any chance you’re a born people pleaser and have overcommitted yourself to obligations? Practice saying these words: “I have a lot on my plate right now and I need you to X.” Apply to subordinates, friends, relatives. X can be finishing an assignment, rescheduling for later, not calling. It CAN be done. Create boundaries for yourself. Also, “no” is a complete sentence.

       If you can afford it, hire movers to help you unpack. I’ve had good luck on movinghelp.com, which is part of uhaul somehow.

    5. Please eat your meals. This is the cliché “put on your oxygen mask first” situation.

       Understand that you are choosing between not-ideal outcomes regarding attention to your toddler, but that you need to make that choice, not her. You cannot be a happy mom who spends a lot of time with her right now. You can be a bitter, overwhelmed, snappish mother, or you can be one who teaches her to play by herself so Mom can get the boxes unpacked and eat her dinner. Maybe the last option isn’t feasible, but you need to make that decision, not let a child make it for you.

    6. I am you. I’ve been running at full speed since January at my new Demanding Job, while mainly solo parenting my two kids because my husband took a new Demanding Job that requires 50% travel, but this first year has turned out to be closer to 90%.

       I had a full-on meltdown this weekend because our calendar in December is beyond packed. We are fitting two and sometimes three events in the same day, every Fri/Sat/Sun, until the 23rd. At which point we are hitting 3 places for various Christmas celebrations, not including taking our kids to church or doing our own Christmas presents.

       I truly want to do all this stuff – it’s all seeing relatives/friends we never see or celebrating nieces’ birthdays (who can’t help they were born in December) or taking meals to a friend going through chemo. But it’s just too much and it feels like more obligations that continue to pile up. I took an extra day off last week as well, but for the 3 things I got done, I added 5 more to my list.

       I get that the advice is always to say no, but I think that assumes you don’t want to do things. I don’t know how to say no to a friend with cancer, or how to skip an 8 year old’s birthday, or how to not see my dear aunts who continue to send me cards and to whom I never seem to have the time to send one in return.

       I don’t have any advice, but wanted to offer solidarity. Maybe we messed up by both taking Demanding Jobs, maybe we should prioritize family/ friends/ community but not try to be at each event, maybe we should let Christmas drop this year for our kids and just not do the visit with Santa or the school Christmas program. I don’t know, but I know I’m burnt out and can’t keep this up for much longer.

       1. Do you want to be hospitalized or not? RSVP no to the 8 year olds birthday. Cancel attendance at all parties. You don’t have time. You can continue floundering and exhausted or recognize that you’ve made choices that mean you can’t do all these things.

          1. Exactly. You can spread things out beyond December! You don’t have to do all the things right now! God, this exhausts me. You’re not giving people your best self anyway when you are cramming these visits in like this.

             1. Agree, 100%. Self care begins with the fundamentals: getting enough sleep, time to prepare and eat simple healthy meals, time for some exercise like a 30 minute walk to clear your head, time for hot shower and some grooming. That’s your minimum foundation and without this you won’t have time to give anything to others. Outsource anything that you can like unpacking the house, doing some wash, running errands or picking up some groceries. Sounds like hiring a smart teen for some part time held would also be a big help.

       2. I think it’s pretty sad for your kids to drop all the fun Christmas stuff for them.

          1. What?! They will have tons of Christmas fun. They don’t need 40 fun things to do, eat, watch, over 3 weeks. They need like 5 things. They will love it and have fun and hopefully have a less stressed Mom and parent to enjoy it with them.
             Please don’t guilt her like this. She’s doing everything she can, for herself and for her kids.

             1. Exactly. We do exceptionally little over Xmas. Maybe one excursion to see lights, one festive thing. The kids go to get a Xmas tree with their father, we cook together, do household projects, light the traditional German smokers and rotating xmas pyramids, maybe have a guest or two over a three week period. We don’t do parties, we decline a lot. They have a ball. They love it. We buy candy cane ice cream, egg nog and German spice cookies. We go back to work in January refreshed and rejuvenated. This type of masochism is crazy. Just say no. Anyone could understand the parents of young children declining politely. We have never been given grief for it.

       3. I would not go to the 8 year old’s birthday party and would not do more than 1 event per day…

    7. do you have any family who can come help you at all? can you take a day off while child is at childcare and maybe not unpack, but spend the day laying around and watching tv – or whatever does help you re-charge? i’ve also been feeling this way lately and kind of overwhelmed, so just try to prioritize your to do list. i do not know how you spend your weekends, but you do not need to do a million activities. maybe you nap during toddler nap time or watch tv, or whatever does relax you. hang in there!!!

    8. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

       Use the @ busy toddler ideas on Instagram to give your barnacle something to do for 10-15 minutes, pick a room and power unpack it. You can do anything in 15 minute increments. When that is done, just rest and breathe. Make yourself a snack. Repeat tomorrow

       Have toddler-friendly happy happy hour. Cut some cheese cubes, grapes (halve then for toddler), little bread pieces. Have some sparkling water or juice. Enjoy barnacle time, but also get some food in you (use happy hour foods that don’t need to be warmed up)

       Outsource chores where you can, especially if your husband can’t pick up the slack.

       Hugs!

    9. I agree with the advice above to unpack first. We moved a month ago, and I was so, so stressed out by having our stuff in boxes. We’re not 100% unpacked, but we have the main stuff done. (We probably have 2 boxes left, plus some organizing to do, plus some art work, photos, and decorative items to deal with.)

       I also have a toddler. My mom flew in from out of town for a weekend to help us unpack/watch our toddler while we unpacked. If there’s any family member or friend whom you can ask for help, even huge amounts of help, now is the time.

       Prioritize rooms in whatever order will help you feel sane. I felt SO much less stressed when i had my clothes unpacked and my closet organized, because I can now wake up in the morning and get ready for work without running around the house looking for pants.

       While packing up the old house and unpacking the new house, we let Daniel Tiger distract my toddler while we unpacked. I’ll admit that he’s watched more than I’d like, and now we’re dealing with a 3-year-old who can’t seem to entertain himself and begs to “watch something” every 5 minutes. We’re doing a hard reset now to go back to our previous norms (no screen time during the week, 1 hour a day on the weekends), and we’re going back to focusing on family time. But now we have the energy and emotional bandwidth to do that happily.

       1. Look into Little Gym or something near you — over Xmas break they should have “drop-off parties” for your husband to take kid to while you stay home and unpack or get a breath. Commit to unpacking one box a day and go forward from there. Hugs to you!

    10. Outsource everything you can- your well being (and ability to eat a meal ffs) have got to be priorities at the moment and it sounds like your want to do list is edging out your need to dos. Hire a house cleaner to clean and maybe even help you unpack, ask friends to take the toddler for 2 hrs so you can relax, get door dash or meal delivery service of choice on board.

        1. If you were my neighbor, my 12-year-old would be thrilled to come over and play with your toddler for an hour or two so you could unpack boxes. Perhaps you know a tween or teen who would be willing to serve as a mother’s helper?

13. Looking for advice on bathroom renovations. I know there was a recent thread, but I can’t find it. We bought a new house after a year long dragged out renovation that didn’t pan out at our older smaller house (neighbors objected to the planned addition, neighborhood hearings drama, paid architects over 20K to deal with the process, we decided not to renovate and buy a new house). Our new house is almost perfect except the second hallway bathroom upstairs only has a shower and weird old peeling wallpaper. I have a toddler and a baby, so having a bath in that bathroom is key. As I understand my options, I could just hire a contractor and convert the shower into a small tub. I could hire an interior designer to help make things more pretty. Architect is probably not necessary. I’m looking to spend 20K to 40K, not more. I’m in the DC area, if it matters. Also if DC area folks have a contractor or designer they recommend, please send it my way! On another note, I think a thread focused on renovations/home issues would be interesting.

    1. Please tell me that it does not actually cost $20K-$40K just to renovate a kid’s bathroom. If so, I’m going to have to sell my house that needs a new kitchen, 2.5 new bathrooms, and new windows.

       1. I mean, bathrooms are bathrooms. They’re not cheap to renovate. It doesn’t matter whether it’s for kids or not.

          1. It does–a kids’ bathroom is smaller and less fancy than a master bath.

          2. +1. Tiling is expensive unless you have the time and ability to DIY.

             1. As if tiling is the only expense in a bathroom remodel . . .

    2. Eh it’s a kids bathroom. You don’t need an interior designer just a contractor who can tell you what your tub options are.

       1. Agree with this. We didn’t even use a designer for our kitchen. A good contractor will give you plenty of deign advice.

       2. +1. Just went through a complete bathroom gut reno – around $20k in a MCOL area. A designer would’ve made it significantly more expensive. We told the contractor what we wanted the final result to look like, showed him some stuff on Pinterest, and he pointed us to options for tile, plumbing fixtures, etc. The tile store and plumbing/kitchen/bath store each had onsite designers who were around while we were picking stuff out, and that was more than enough for design help. That being said, we wanted something that would fit in with the age of the house/neighborhood, so we weren’t looking to do anything trendy or complicated – white subway tile on the walls, a classic mosaic on the floor, chrome fixtures. We also weren’t changing the layout at all.

    3. Are you in DC proper? I have a fixer in Arlington and the process you went through sounds dreadful. We have some water damage to our subfloor so can live as-is for a while but were hoping to add on while fixing a structural issue.

       An “interior designer” is like an interior architect who can design a space. An “interior decorator” is who pretties up the space with purchased items and perhaps paint/light fixtures. But the designer may be a good person to have on your team for smart use of existing space / designing within the house.

    4. I recently bought a home in DC, and we’re doing a bunch of renovations (adding a powder room, gutting the master bathroom, and more). We worked with an interior design company to get designs, mostly because we are doing so much to the house. We’re now shopping around the design plans to different contractors to make sure we get a fair price. Having been through the design phase though, I don’t think you need to spend the money on a designer for doing what you want to do. It doesn’t sound like you need to move any pipes, knock down walls, or reconfigure the whole space. A contractor should be able to handle what you want to do.

       Given that we’re looking for DC contractors now, will also be following this thread for any recs!

    5. For a small bathroom, you don’t need a designer. The only thing you really will need is to make sure that the floor below can accommodate a full bathtub (water is heavy! and the floor may have only been built to support a shower). Your contractor should be able to help you, or you may need to bring in a structural engineer or architect to make sure you have the loads calculated correctly.

       You can source your fixtures yourself. Start with your main fixtures (bath/toilet/vanity). A showroom like Ferguson will have what you need — better selection than HD or Lowes and will price-match Amazon. Then pick out your floor and wall tile. Then pick out your faucets and any accessories.

       Having renovated 3 bathrooms, my best advice is to have everything on-site or ready for pickup when your contractor starts working. It can be done fairly quickly if all the materials are ready to go.

    6. It does cost that much–more if you move plumbing around.

    7. You can certainly do a renovation without hiring a designer. But don’t assume that a designer will be prohibitively expensive, or the expense will not be worth it. We just did a renovation to our house including a (very small) master bedroom. The entire renovation was just over $40k. The design expense was around $1000, with the bathroom component being around $300-400 of the design expense. However, the small changes and suggestions the designer made to our bathroom design were worth so much more than that to me. We didn’t really change the layout of the bathroom, but our designer helped us use the space we have more efficiently. He also vastly improved the other components of our renovation (just the color combination he suggested for our kitchen makes it seem so much bigger and brighter!) Some folks can do the design piece on their own – I accept that I can not! Our designer offers multiple levels of consulting fees. We started with a $150 consultation and moved up from there. I had a really great experience and I look forward to working on new projects with our designer in the future. Originally I really didn’t expect this. I always thought designers just talked you into expensive window treatments and crazy tchotchkes!

    8. I live in downtown DC and hired a bathroom remodel company (KBR) to add a shower to my small upstairs bathroom that only had a clawfoot tub. They did the design, and I checked it in CAD– the design wasn’t the problem, the workmanship was. I’m having so many problems I’m now having independent contractors come in to fix each part. I used KBR after good recommendations, but I would NOT recommend them. I would try to find a recommendation from someone to get a good contractor. Mine cost close to $40K. If the design is not complicated, you don’t need a separate designer, but you want to make sure you have good contractors. I wish I had a recommendation for you, but none of my friends have had luck with bathroom renovations in DC.

14. I’m so sad…this new guy I was seeing who I really liked just told me he’s seeing someone else (I had told him I only wanted to sleep with him if he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, which he wasn’t then, but I guess things changed).

    He says he really likes me and wants to see me more, but given my “rules”, for now we should be friends (if I want) and maybe pursue romance again in the future.

    I’m really torn. I like(d) him a lot, and I am the one who said I didn’t want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with other people. But then the other side of me is like, this dude is basically saying he’d rather sleep with someone else than sleep with me while not sleeping with anyone else. Which…sucks.

    1. No no no. You never see this guy again. Do not be his friend. You are not friends. Sure he’d be happy to keep you around as an option C. You need to be option A in your own life. I’ve been there, it sucks, and it sucks for much less time if you do the work right away. Text him back a clear “that’s not going to work for me, best of luck with things, bye” and then block him, unfollow him, and work really really hard on it. It will pass quicker than you expect.

       1. +1 What a gross dude! Blaming your “rules” for his immature behavior – you deserve better. I don’t care if a guy is seeing other people while we’re just starting to see each other, that’s the world of Bumble/Hinge/online. The fact that he wasn’t dating anyone else when you met and started to after you’d been dating for some period of time shows either that he isn’t looking for or is not ready for a real relationship. Let him show you his true stripes, and let him go.

          1. What? It doesn’t seem like they had talked aboht being monogamous. He met someone he wanted to date, he was honest with the OP about it, he respected her wants, and they aren’t dating anymore.

             Of course she doesn’t have to stay friends with him and IMO she shouldn’t. It’s also sad – I totally get it. Something similar just happened to me. But he was honest with her and told her before he started sleeping with someone else!

             OP – allow yourself to be sad! It sucks. I would not stay friends with him and, as someone else said, text him essentially thanks but no thanks, best of luck, and then block.

             1. Yeah I don’t think he did anything wrong by sleeping with someone else at this point…it just hurts.

       2. “it sucks for much less time if you do the work right away.”

          A million times this.

       3. Yup, amen to this!

       4. Excellent advice. So sorry this happened.

    2. If he wants to sleep with more than one partner at the same time and you are not okay with that, then your values are not compatible. It’s not about whether you are appealing enough for him to want to be exclusive. It’s the other way round–he does not meet your standards.

       1. Anon at 10:19, I really like that way of thinking. He’s the one not measuring up, not you. Going to use that with a friend the next time she has guy trouble.

    3. So sorry. Move on. You know what you want and you won’t do yourself any favors by pretending you’re cool with a more casual arrangement.

       1. +1. Also, FWIW, it’s possible that the reason he’s “choosing” this other person is that she is ok with him having multiple partners. It’s not necessarily that he likes her more, innately. The result is the same, though. Don’t compromise on your needs.

    4. He’s just not that into you. Sorry, my friend. Move on.

       1. +1. You said it yourself, he would rather sleep with someone else than sleep with you. I’m sorry and it’s horrible when you find out something was lopsided, but that’s a clear indication to move on. You want to be with someone who would rather sleep with you than any other arrangement he can think of. That’s a valid want, and worth not compromising on.

15. Here’s an interesting question. How does one go from being a good or very good cook to an excellent cook? I’m very comfortable in the kitchen, we eat about 90% of our meals at home (which I cook) and I’ve been cooking regularly for about 15 years. But I would say that my food varies. Some of it can be excellent, other times it’s just ok.

    My husband, who cooks much less frequently than I do, somehow has a special knack for it, his dishes all turn out amazing. And I was incredibly spoiled by growing up with a mom whose cooking is legendary. I aspire to make the kinds of dishes that friends and family ooh and aah over. :)

    Curious if anyone has advice.

    1. Couple things–I’d look into classes on really honing the fundamentals of cooking (especially knife skills, but also rouxes, sauces and preparing meats). Making sure that you have excellent and high-quality spices and ingredients (if you can’t remember the last time you replaced your spices, that’s bad. Just because there’s spices left in the jar doesn’t mean you should use them. You’d be amazed at how stale and blah spices are after only a few months. I buy the littlest jars from Penzey’s and replace them at least 1x a year). Then’s it’s just a matter of recipes and what you’re choosing to make. I’d become “legendary” at only 3-4 things to start (or make them your “signature dishes”) and don’t worry if your plain jane chicken breast dinner on Tuesday didn’t make your husband weep with joy.

       1. Yeah, I am legendary at a signature dishes I can trot out when I need/want to, but I just do not have that much time or that many f*cks to give to Tuesday’s sheet pan tilapia and roasted vegetables. I’m happy with a B+/A- for the daily grind and save the A+ performance for special occasions.

          Also, my mom is a legendary gourmet five-star wizard. She uses a LOT of butter and a LOT of wine. That’s not how I prefer to eat on a daily basis.

    2. I’ve found that people who cook less frequently are often more particular and careful about their cooking than those who do it regularly. For example, I’ll throw some seasoning in a pan because it looks right and I’ve made the recipe 12 times. I’ll substitute items based on what’s on hand and sacrifice the exact recipe for convenience and sanity for a weeknight dinner. DH will find a recipe he wants to make, carefully grocery shop for the exact ingredients and spend a few hours prepping and cooking the dish precisely according to the instructions or video he found to make it. His stuff usually tastes way better than mine, but he claims I’m a better cook because I can be flexible and he can only follow an exact recipe. If the recipe calls for spinach and we don’t have spinach but I’m cooking, I’ll figure out how to make the recipe work with whatever veggies are available (within reason. I’m not making kale spanokopita or anything). If we don’t have spinach and he’s cooking, everything in the universe comes to a dead stop until he gets spinach. My dish would probably not taste quite as good as his, but it’s a practicality thing.

       1. Amen to this. My husband spends at least 2x the time cooking dinner if he cooks, and I’m usually the one who chops everything for his dishes, so it might be 3x if we take me out of the equation. However, he does everything mise-en-place, carefully measured, all recipe comments read and considered. Yes, it turns out amazing – and our child would starve by the time his dinner is ready. The other factor is he picks the best things to cook. Prime meat, lobster, jumbo shrimp etc, usually with wine. We can’t afford to eat like this every day, nor do I want to never eat chili again! However, I absolutely love it when husband cooks for special occasions. It’s much better than most restaurants.

    3. First – practice, though it seems like you’re cooking regularly. If you’re successfully making dinner and not burning things, you’re totally ahead of the curve. Cook from recipes of chefs whose style you like to learn their techniques, and then riff on those when you cook without a recipe. Check out Cooking from NYT, even though it’s a subscription now. If you don’t want to subscribe, you can get the email newsletter which is full of ideas and offers a weekly a no-recipe dinner plan.
       Second – taste everything as you cook (minus raw meat or anything dangerous to eat before cooking, obvi). Adjust seasoning and salt levels. Start adding salt to a dish from the very first step, so it has time to bring out the flavors. Adding a bunch of salt at the end will make something taste salty. Adding it as you go enhances the flavor of the dish.
       Last – Umami – Basically, you should always be looking to bring out and enhance the savory flavor in your food. How does salt, fat, acid (heat, let’s go there) elevate the dish. Green beans are nice but have you thrown them under the broiler for a minute with flaky kosher salt and hit them with fresh lemon juice before serving? Roasted veggies are a wonderful side, but punch them up with a new herb blend and add a dipping sauce. For the best flavor always use fresh garlic, ginger, and lemon juice, not the stuff in the jar or can.

       If I were you, I’d pick up Bittman’s “How to Cook Everything” and start cooking from it, work your way through some of the techniques, revisit the basics as you never know when you’ll learn something new that will change the game.

       1. I’d cosign a lot of this. I’m a relatively accomplished home cook, and I learned by reading everything I could get my hands on, including cookbooks as though they were novels. I actually rarely cook from recipes as a result. You have to understand the why and how and build a strong instinct to go with the practiced skills.

          My specific reccs? Mark Bittman books are a good start for basic essential recipes, but check out Michael Ruhlman’s Ratio and The Elements of Cooking were critical for foundations. Samin Nosrat’s Salt Fat Acid Heat (start with the book, then watch Netflix series) is a gem (also she is amazing and I want to be her friend).

    4. I think I am a good to excellent cook, and I am completely self-taught. For me, the best thing are books/shows that explain the reasons behind different ingredients and steps because that lets you build up the fundamentals. The Food Lab is one of my favorite books for this. Bravetart is very good for baking.

    5. Think about where the flavor is coming from and don’t take shortcuts on those elements. Try to start most savory dishes with an aromatic (onion, garlic, ginger, shallot, etc.) Cookbooks lie–you will always need to cook onions longer than they say to get the flavor you want. Consider salt or other levels of spices and taste as you go. Try to finish with some acid as appropriate (a squeeze of lemon is rarely a bad thing).

    6. Use more butter. I have a friend who is an excellent cook and it finally dawned on me that she applies butter liberally to everything.

    7. Watch Good Eats! I love Alton Brown, and his scientific explanations of what happens when you cook things really helps me wrap my mind around it.

       Also, don’t be afraid to upgrade your equipment! If there’s anything you’ve been putting off buying because you’re getting by ok without it, take the plunge and buy it. My life changed when I got a more substantial set of pots and pans — both in my excitement level for using them and the fact that temperature control became way easier. Same for really nice knives — prep goes way faster.

16. What are your favorite tops with a-line/flaredish/non pencil skirts? I’m stuck in a sweater rut. (Business casual office – skews way casual sometimes but still only allows jeans on Fridays type business casual.)

    1. I love these kinds of skirts – so much more forgiving than pencils on my body. For me the key is to choose a more fitted top to balance the bottom volume, and usually to tuck the top in. Generally I go with a streamlined blouse tucked in, but my office/personal style is on the more formal side. If I’m going for a more casual look, I’ll do an elevated tee shirt or other knit top.

    2. A knit turtleneck bodysuit. Express, ASOS, and J.Crew have a few cute bodysuit styles.

17. NYC ladies!

    I travel to NYC all the time for business but I’m usually staying pretty close to where I do business, and other than maybe one dinner out, also close by, I Uber in an Uber out without spending any time seeing the city.

    Now my teenaged kids want to come with me on my next trip to NYC, which is mid-December.

    I usually stay on the east side of mid town. I think that’s touristy-adjacent enough, close to grand central station so we can get anywhere.

    We are Californians. Should I be buying them puffy coats? How about boots. Do we need snow boots?

    They want to walk in Central Park, see the tree in Rockefeller center, etc. I kind of want to drag them to a show if we can get a good deal at TKTS.

    1. I don’t live in NYC but we visit my in-laws there every December. I’m fine in a wool pea coat and more fashion-y boots (ie booties not snow boots). NYC is not that cold (I live in the Midwest though). I wouldn’t worry about being close to Grand Central, that’s more for getting out of the city. If you stay in Midtown East, especially the 50s not too far east (maybe west of Park), then most things you want to see will be very walkable.

    2. Yes, coat, hat, some sort of waterproof shoes, gloves and scarf. NYC’s been COLD and it just isn’t fun to walk around and do lots of outside things unless you are warm. Buy cheap versions (target, old navy on sale, payless), which should be more than fine for a weekend. I think Midtown east is a good place to stay for what you want to do. I’d add the natural history museum to your list.

    3. Yes to the puffy coats and pretty likely you will need snow boots too.

       1. I guess I just can’t imagine buying teenagers (or anybody really) puffy coats just for one weekend trip. What are you going to do with them afterwards? Can’t you just get by wearing layers for a few days? If you’re going to be buying all these coats, can you buy me one too?

    4. Tough call on the clothing/shoes this far ahead of time… Weather could be in the mid-40s and sunny or 30s and snowy. For Californians, I would probably say yes to the puffy coat and TBD to the snow boots. Do you by chance have snow boots at home already and you can decide to bring them if there is snow in the forecast? I only ever wear snow boots if it is actually snowing. They are a bit clunky and not that comfortable to walk around in. If there is no snow in the forecast, they will be happier in “regular” boots and/or sneakers.

       As for where to stay, I always recommend the Upper West Side, but midtown east will be totally fine.

18. DH strongly dislikes having overnight guests. Our parents live 12+ hours away and are in their 70s, so when they visit, it’s for more than an afternoon. They came for a week for Thanksgiving. DH griped about how early and late they arrived (travel is grueling anytime, but esp in your 70s – they traveled on off-peak days to avoid extending the misery), griped about having to “babysit” his dad while the moms and I went and did stuff, griped about my mom leaving her magazines in the family room, griped about dishes out of place in the kitchen, griped about the tv channel (too many Christmas movies for his liking).

    My mom was going to originally go home today, but decided to push it back by one day til tomorrow. Last night, Mom stayed up super late and was trying to be super quiet rinsing her dishes at 2 am, but it’s not possible to be, and she accidentally woke up my husband. He couldn’t go back to sleep, so he griped at me (I had awoken, but could have gone back to sleep) about how unhappy he was to be awake at 3:30 am. He ended up showering and going into work.

    So I woke my mom up this morning, told her she had to go because Husband was at his wit’s end with company, and she left this morning as originally planned. I called Husband and said, “Hey, guess what! The house will be empty when you come home!” And then we ended up in a 20 minute convo where somehow I’m the bad guy for getting rid of my mother…when he’s spent an entire week on edge and witchy and short-tempered.

    I told him to go for a run, take the dog to the park, do something when our parents visit so that he has some solitude. Unfortunately, we have a tiny house (for now), so there’s nowhere he can really go in the house and not be tripping over others. During our convo this morning, I told him it would be best if our parents only came to visit once a year (probably just Thanksgiving) while we’re still in this house – I’ll go see them myself the rest of the time and he can get some much-needed quiet time out of the deal. When we get a bigger house and there’s more breathing room, then they can come stay again. And he didn’t like that plan either! I’m exasperated and don’t know what to do. He hates having company, but I love it and love seeing our families, so if them coming to visit puts him on edge, then the only alternative seems to be that I go see them.

    We’re going to talk tonight (or maybe tomorrow – we’re both dragging today after our 3:00 wake-up), but I don’t have any idea what to say. We had 2 or 3 Talks while the parents were here about him being fussy and wanting the guests gone, so I don’t know what’s left to say. Any insight here? Thanks.

    1. Who washes dishes at 2 am!? I was with you until that. It sounds like your mom actually wasn’t a great guest and I understand your husband’s annoyance. Why can’t you do a hotel next time? You can offer to pay if you’re better off than your parents.

       1. Agreed, OP is probably blind to the annoying ways of her parents. Having guests in your home for a long period is really hard. I would be pissed as hell if someone woke me up at 3:00 AM because they were doing dishes. Wtf?

          1. It sounds like OP only has a mom, and her whiny husband has two parents who visited. I don’t see how we can put this all on OP.

       2. I think that particular thing merits a talk with your mom. Mine would have done something like this because “she doesn’t want to make a mess for you in the morning” or something like that, but I’d want to gently redirect her and say, “The best guest is one who doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night when I have to get up for work; I will happily do an extra dish or two for that!”

    2. Why was your mom doing dishes at 2am? That’s bizarre and inappropriate guest behavior that makes me think something else is going on. As is waking her up and kicking her out- without talking to him about doing that. He should be able to vent without you flying off the handle. You’re ignoring lots of good alternatives here- tell your parents the days they could come and make it a bit shorter. Plan things out of the house with them without him.

    3. Your husband sounds like a huge whiny man child because instead of dealing with this like a grown up he’s taking it out on you and making everything your fault. I don’t like houseguests either but I think I handle it in more mature ways than your husband.

       That said , the day where he only got half a nights sleep is not the day to try to work this out.

       Generally speaking, you need to meet whining with ignoring. Don’t sympathize, don’t try to fix things for him.

    4. Your husband is being a supreme jerk. Any guests, and certainly your own parents, should be treated hospitably in your home and he doesn’t get to complain. It just puts a damper on the whole holiday experience. No need to entertain for the entire time, he should go out and take a run or read a book or go to the gym to get some alone time. But no, he doesn’t get to gripe about having parents stay over. His behavior is so rude.

       I feel terrible for your mom who was essentially told she was no longer welcome in your home. He needs to call her and apologize, and not repeat such rude behavior.

       In most cultures extended families visit and even live with each other. He can’t even put up with guests for a week? Puh lease.

       1. Did we read the same post? It was OP who kicked her mom out, not her husband. And being awake and washing dishes at 2 am is insanely rude!!! Guests don’t get carte blanche to be up at all hours of the night doing whatever they want just because they’re the parents of the homeowners. We have a young child and ask house guests to be quiet (and ideally in their bedroom) after 9 pm. You’d better believe if someone woke me or my kid up in the middle of the night that they’d be staying in a hotel next time.

          And I don’t know about “most cultures” around the globe, but in the US (especially in families of European descent) it is absolutely not normal for families to live with each other. I consider myself very close to my parents but there’s no way, no how they would ever move into my home. At the point they can’t live alone, I would happily move them into a retirement/assisted living facility near me and I would visit often, but there’s no way they would live in my home. Nor would they expect to.

          1. But a ton of other “American” culture (eyeroll) of non-European descent can’t ask family members to stay in a hotel because it’s culturally rude and simply not what you do. And some people’s parents have to move in with them b/c they’re immigrants/had life situations that meant parents didn’t save for retirement because they simply could not. Your take is so privileged.

             Sure, mom should not have been washing dishes at 2 am, but her husband sounds like a HUGE baby. Agree that mom shouldn’t have been up and woken them up, but tell him to get over himself about company, they are your family and aside from the dish incident and based on your husband’s lack of interest in being nice to the guests, it seems like it’s a problem with him and not the guests.

          2. Yes, I read the same post. The 2 am washing of dishes was tone deaf on the mom’s part but it sounds like the husband had plenty of gripes aside from that one encounter. My dad is almost 80 and sometimes wakes up in the middle of night when he stays with me and makes some noise, he’s also half deaf so yeah, I cut him slack.

             The only reason OP kicked mom out was because husband couldn’t handle it anymore, so yes, I still think he should apologize or they should both apologize together. Like I said, no one is advocating that parents live with them, I was simply making that point to say that a one week stay is not a big deal if the guest if otherwise nice and pleasant to be around. I’m Indian and our parents stay with us for months on end.

    5. There is a lot going on here . . .

       If your husband truly hates having overnight guests, I second the hotel suggestion for your collective set of parents when they visit. Or they visit one set at a time. Four extra people in a small house sounds like a LOT and it would also really stress me out.

       You should have let your mom wake up on her own (especially as husband was already at work) and then politely asked her not to do dishes after people have gone to bed vs. waking her up, kicking her out, and blaming your husband – yikes. Regardless of whether he is the reason you asked her to leave, you are a team and you can’t blame your husband point blank and expect him to be okay with that. I’m not saying your husband isn’t acting like a giant man child about this, but you need to also take some responsibility here. You seem to be very reactionary and that’s not a good approach either, especially as your husband seems to be someone who complains without being willing to talk about a compromise/solution to what he is complaining about.

       I think y’all need a couple therapy sessions (cue groan session).

       1. I agree with this. Your husband’s behavior wasn’t good, but you also shouldn’t throw him under the bus to your mom.

          1. This. If I was your husband, I’d want to be able to vent privately to you, but I would be furious if you ratted me out to your parents and made me the fall guy for sending them home early or limiting their visits. I think you’re in the wrong here.

    6. Since he’s shooting down all your ideas, you stop proposing ideas and ask him what his ideas are. Does he just want you guys to stay home and never go anywhere or have any guests? Does he want to put the parents in a nearby hotel when they visit? See how reasonable or unreasonable his requests are and work from there.

    7. Your husband reminds me a lot of my stepfather. He just doesn’t like having to accommodate other people. He is obsessive-compulsive in many ways. I find this generally to be a characteristic far more common in men than in women. They just feel entitled to have things their way and anything unexpected is a major intrusion. My SF and I have a 30+ year relationship now, and lived together for several years when I was growing up, but he ultimately makes me feel uncomfortable in their home within the first few hours of being there and so I rarely stay more than 1 night. When I visit, I now take all of my trash with me instead of leaving it in the trash can because he once freaked out that I had put some things in the kitchen bin while my parents were out and he just had no idea what any of it was or how it had gotten there and it was an extreme annoyance meriting a passive-agressive oral performance of sorts that I could hear but was not actually directed to me followed by a special trip to the central dump bc the bin was then 1/4 full. After others visit them, I get a rundown from both parents of all of the missteps and annoyances the guests (his kids and grandkids) imposed. I don’t really have advice. And your husband isn’t interested in a solution. He wasn’t interested in going back to sleep. He was interested in making his being awoken as big an issue as possible. He was looking forward to you explaining to your mother that her well-intentioned late-night dishwashing meant that he had to go to the office at 3:30 a.m. I suspect your husband is hypercritical of people in many situations based on his own subjective criteria. This is who you married. Maybe get a dog he can constantly walk? But a perfect dog, that is perfectly trained before you get him, doesn’t try to get on the furniture, and doesn’t bark off cue, and doesn’t shed or spill his water or make muddy footprints or leave his toys outside the designated basket.

       1. I agree with you. The husband sounds childish and petulant.

       2. Yep, I was in a relationship for 7 years with this guy. All the whining and none of the solutions. His list of foods he disliked was long and constantly changing. My work hours were constantly an inconvenience. All this, and more, yet he thought nothing of inviting overnight guests at a moment’s notice for me to take care of and clean house for. When I voiced any opinion, it was thrown back at me. Looking back I’m ashamed I put up with it as long as I did.

       3. I agree with you. I understand where the husband is coming from, but being an adult means having to be uncomfortable sometimes for the sake of others. It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to put up with any level of discomfort, which is just childish.

    8. OP here. Thanks, all, for your insight. A couple responses:

       Mom was doing dishes at 2 am because she’s an extreme night owl and because it’s how Vicky Austin wrote it – she “doesn’t want to leave a mess.” We asked Mom the last time she visited to not wash dishes at 2 am – yes, yes, we’ve been through this before. Mom is extremely spacey/scattered and telling her not to do/to do something won’t get through to her….even repeatedly. When I talked to her this morning, she said, “I was trying to be so quiet!” “I know, Mom, but that’s not the point. This house is so small, we’ll hear you.”

       We did discuss the days they’d be here – it’s not like he didn’t know. His parents were Tues-Mon and my mom was Mon-Tues, though pushed to Wed. Yes, I only have a mom. DH is ok with his mom (who is a lovely person I wish I lived next door to – she’s truly wonderful and so much fun) and isn’t a big fan of his dad (he’s disabled – hence the “babysitting” – and has low self-esteem and can be quite needy). Because of his dad’s disability, there aren’t a lot of activities he can do. He likes to run errands with DH, but DH gets annoyed with even that because “he’s too slow.”

       I feel caught between a rock and a hard place because my mom would come and stay weeks with me when I was single. DH loses his mind around day 3, and when Mom wants to extend her stay (like this instance), what am I supposed to say? “We just like our alone time?” That’s not true and she knows it. Literally, the only reason my mother is leaving is because my husband is so darn particular about his space. I don’t know how to get my mom out of our house when the custom between Mom and I is frequent, extended stays. It’s even sort of a shared-eye-roll-and-chuckle thing with MIL that DH can’t stand having company and gets twitchy.

       I get that he’s always been this way – there’s a joke that he changed his own diaper as an infant – but I’m the only family my mom has and we’ve always had long visits together and he complains all day, every day, whenever we have guests. I had hoped by shooing Mom out this morning that I’d be preserving their relationship. I know she can be annoying, but she’s my mom and I love her. He says he wants us to have company, but then complains the whole time. (And he’s the one who wants to talk today, not me. I said my piece during our two previous Talks during the last week – which generally consisted of me telling him to hush up, it’s just a week, please stop and just deal.)

       1. You live with your husband. So you tell your mom “Nope you cant extend your stay” and “mom. You gotta stop. It is not hard to not wash dishes in the middle of the night. You’re disturbing everyone else.”

       2. Can’t you tell your mom that the house isn’t big enough for her to comfortably visit more than 3 days? That’s true or at least true-ish, right? And explains why things were different when you were single without throwing your husband under the bus. I understand that you don’t want to dump your mom in a hotel, but I also don’t think having her stay for a week or more at a time is realistic when you have a small house and a DH who hates having houseguests. I also think if you give DH a firm date your mom is leaving, you have to stick to it and not extend her visit spontaneously. That seems really unfair to him. (In the interests of full disclosure, I’m you DH in this situation and we limit visits from our parents to about 4 days, because I just go crazy after that, even though I like my parents and in-laws as people.)
          As for DH’s parents, I think you let him manage them and if he wants them to not visit or only visit if they stay in a hotel, that’s his prerogative and you let him deal with any fallout.

       3. This is going to be hard to hear, but you have to tell your mom that things cannot be the way they were when you were single. She has to respect your/your husband’s space, even if that means your relationship with her will not look the way it used to. I don’t know why your husband fought you on your plan to have you be the one to go see the parents and leave him home, but I definitely think you should go see your mom as often as you reasonably can, since she can’t stay with you like she’s accustomed to. And if DH gets mad about you trying to have a good relationship with your mom (within reason), that’s not a you problem.

       4. I think any extended visits between you and your mom are going to have to be at her house, unless she can come and stay in a hotel (and maybe then you can stay at the hotel with her, which I think would be kind of fun).

          You are not going to change your husband so you are going to have to work around his craziness. And throwing him under the bus isn’t really helping anything.

       5. Can your husband go to a hotel when your mom comes to visit? I mean this seriously. My husband is not a fan of houseguests either and would probably enjoy getting caught up on work projects, etc in a hotel if he were in a similar situation.

          1. No way. Don’t kick your husband out of his own home. Mom can get a hotel (that OP pays for if finances are an issue for her mom) and OP can visit and even sleep over at the hotel if she wants. She shouldn’t displace her husband from his house so that his MIL can visit for weeks at a time.

       6. I say this gently, but marriage does change traditions with our families of origin. Your DH is clearly very uncomfortable with extended visitors (yours and his!). I think you need to honor that, and do extended visits at your mom’s place instead. Now, if we’re talking 1-2 nights, that’s one thing, but I also would be very grumpy if I had visitors in my space for an entire week.

       7. Just wanted to chime in to say that I’m sorry the OP is dealing with this. I’m super close with my mom and she stays with us often (usually a month at a time). But I’m also from a culture where this is standard and expected, and husband rarely complains. I would find it really hard to kick my mom out after just a few days. And an extended stay at a hotel is really pricey… I agree that your husband’s needs trump your mom’s but this whole situation makes me sad.

       8. Your husband gets annoyed with his own father because a disability makes him “too slow”?? Your husband is a self-centered man child. Tell him to grow up.

19. Just heard that I lost my grandpa. I’m in a different country and not planning to travel immediately ( honoring his and grandma’s wishes ) I’m a bit of a wreck and dont know what to do- now and the next few days. I plan to travel to my grandma in a few weeks as that’ll honor both their wishes of how he wanted to be last seen by all but the fewest possible people and also be there for my grandma and parents.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss. Since you can’t be there for a memorial service perhaps make your own – throw some flowers into a lake or river, attend a local service, light a candle… whatever you need to do to have some final words with your grandpa.

       And yes, be there for the living. That is the most important thing. A trip in a few weeks sounds well timed.

    2. I’m so sorry for your loss. Make sure you take the time to grieve, even if you aren’t traveling back to family for a few weeks. Can you take a day or two off of work to give yourself time to process this?

20. I can’t seem to find the answer online. Is there a timer or a stopwatch option on the Fitbit charge? I’m thinking of getting one, but I’d like to go on a run but not bring my phone.

    1. I have a charge 2 and there’s a stop watch! Also a “run” option which is a timer and a mileage counter.

21. Recommendations for your favorite daily SPF? Are there non-sunscreen type options? Seeing as it’d be layered with other skincare and make up, sunscreen feels too greasy? Bonus if it’s drugstore/target/etc

    1. I use CeraVe sunscreen on top of a hyaluronic acid and my moisturizer.

    2. I use an Aveeno CC cream with SPF 30. It’s not greasy like sunscreen. I don’t wear other makeup though.

    3. Unless I’m spending a day at a ball game or at the beach or something, I get my daily sunscreen from my bb cream. I use Dr Jart’s + BB because I only use physical sunscreens (titanium dioxide or zinc oxide – I have mild rosacea). It’s enough for the amount of sun I get on a workday or a weekend day running car based errands.

       1. This is my solution as well (same reasons).

    4. Canmake UV Mermaid Gel from Amazon. Second place to Biore Watery Essence from Amazon. OP, once you try an asian spf you will never go back.

       1. +1 on the Mermaid Gel….it feels like nothing.

       2. Another vote for Biore Watery Essence. I am ridiculously oily and it creates smooth, matte magic on my face.

    5. I know it is late but Super Goop Unseen Sunscreen. Use it as a primer and it is one of the best primers I’ve used!

22. I have raved about my love for my Tumi nylon work bag which I bought after seeing recommendations here. After three years of regular use one of the straps broke. Luckily they offer free repairs if within a five-year warranty period. So I took my bag to the store where I purchased it and they gave me such a hard time. The sales associates didn’t seem to know anything about the repair program, claimed they couldn’t find my purchase in the system even though I still had my e-receipt, wanted to charge me for shipping even though I previously phoned the store and was told there was no charge for shipping, and generally were completely useless. My bag has been sent for repair but I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some miscommunication or something goes wrong and I never see it again.

    1. I might give the company a pass for a crappy associate. She could be new, seasonal, in a bad mood, etc. You never know with these things.
       If you don’t get your bag back after a well-documented repair trip, well, that I’d be mad about.

23. I’m moving from biglaw to my first in house position soon. The new job is at a large public company with a significant legal department. How is malpractice insurance normally handled for large in house groups? I’m trying to figure out if there’s anything I need to think through/set up before I start the new job. Thanks!

    1. The company covers it just like the firm. You don’t need to do anything re: malpractice insurance.

    2. No malpractice insurance is needed – my bar has an option for in-house counsel. I believe our work is covered by the corporation’s errors & omissions insurance policy.

       1. Um wut? I have never heard of in-house lawyers getting malpractice insurance. that’s nuts.

          1. I don’t think that’s what the above poster meant. On our annual Bar registration form, it asks if you maintain malpractice insurance. One of the options to check is basically “in house, therefore N/A.”
             Anyway — to the OP, no you do not need malpractice insurance.

    3. With an already established large legal group they already have it or its not needed for your practice – probably covered under a general liability umbrella. Don’t worry about it it’s not part of your job to set this up. If there is a policy, it covers the entire legal staff or you’ll be named as an additional insured.

24. I need to cut dairy out of my diet to see if it helps clear up my acne. What snacks can replace string cheese and babybel cheese? I eat those regularly as snacks to hold me over until the next meal. What else is as satisfying as that? All I can think of is nuts and fruit but those aren’t quite the same.

    1. Guacamole or peanut butter.

    2. Deli meat, nut butter on fruit or cracker or celery, jerky, veggies/guacamole? Or focus on eating just a little bit more at your meals so you don’t need snacks between them. Yes, there are times I need a snack because meals are really far apart or I am hungrier than normal so I eat a snack on those days. But, once I decided that I didn’t need to snack all the time and I stopped keeping a stockpile, my body adjusted and I stopped being so hungry at my normal snack times.
       Dropping dairy cleared up my hormonal acne. I can eat small amounts now, but don’t do daily cows milk, yogurt and cheese like I used to.

       1. Thank you! Buying some of these to stock at work now. Also glad to hear that cutting out dairy cleared up hormonal acne for someone else. Seems like I have tried everything else!

    3. Maybe hummus with crackers or veggies?

    4. Hummus? Turkey lunch meat? Salami?

    5. Apples and peanut butter can be a full meal for me, although admittedly that’s because I often end up just eating peanut butter with a spoon after the apples are gone…

    6. I like hard boiled eggs as a quick, satisfying snack. Buy one of those $20 egg cookers on A*zon and they’re super easy to make.

       1. Or, put water in a pot, put eggs in pot, turn on burner, set timer for 20 minutes and voila! Hard-boiled eggs.

          I find it funny how lately we seem to need special protocols and gadgets to make hard-boiled eggs. Although I will confess, I am supremely unfussy about hard-boiled eggs. As long as the whites and yolks are hard, I don’t care if the yolks are a little dry or green or whatever the problem is that motivates people to get very particular about their hard-boiled-egg-making.

25. I want to get DH a coffee mug. Sturdy, dishwasher safe, and not wide-mouth (like those initial ones from Pottery Barn or the more chai style you see at Starbucks). Ideally a 16oz mug. Nice and thick ceramic (or whatever material).

    His favorite one came from Fresh Market like 10 years ago, was striped, and broke. We cannot find a worthy replacement ;)

    1. Louisville Stoneware.

    2. Maybe Le Creuset?

    3. What do you mean by not wide mouth? Are you talking about a to go mug? Or just a mug to keep at home or work?

       1. a mug for at home. I don’t know what it’s called but we have a few- maybe cafe style? Like, the top of the mug has a larger than usual diameter.

    4. These are only 12 oz, but I love love love these coffee mugs. https://www.lecreuset.com/mug

    5. Walgreens has nice ones online in various sizes that are not wide and come in 16 oz.

26. Regular poster going anon. I feel like a bit of an idiot asking this, so gentleness and genuineness are appreciated.

    My question: how do you initiate gardening in your relationship? Is it something that is hard for you? If so, how did you get more comfortable?

    I’m in my first ever lesbian relationship. I’m finding the gardening dynamics different than when I was with men. When I was with men, I almost never had to initiate, because the men I was with were quite forward (and social conditioning of « roles » etc etc.) Now, things are different – I feel like a more « formal » initiation is required and my partner has indicated I don’t do it enough. But it’s hard because I’m new to gardening with a woman, I’ll feel awkward or unsure of what I’m doing. Until I feel more confident, I’m having a hard time putting myself out there. And often more subtle efforts don’t work. For example, we’re not a couple who progresses very naturally from snuggling to gardening. Whereas with male partners that used to happen a lot. I didn’t have to really put on a seduction effort. Help.

    1. “Wanna bang?”

       1. +1, it usually get a laugh and works

       2. Humor is really helpful. “Do you feel…. like…. gardening?”
          “Hey, you look good in that… I mean, goooood….”
          “When I said let’s watch Netflix and chill, I meant *watch Netflix and…. chill…”

          It’s ok to be silly. Then, you smooch.

          1. Just make sure it’s not the only way you ever express those feelings. It doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of somebody’s advances when it’s ALWAYS a joke.

    2. I was you not too long ago. Gardening does not require a big seductrous production, just a little effort. You are used to feeling wanted and desired by your male partners. The biggest change now is that your partner is a woman, like you, she wants to feel like you desire and want her. It may not come naturally at first since you are not used to having to do this for your male partners, but the effort is worth it. Also, don’t worry about being awkward or uncomfortable, just get in there and have fun. Ask your partner to gently guide you until you are more confident.

       1. +1. I think of it as “Okay, tonight I will make sure Partner knows I’m attracted to him, so I’ll do that in the way that I know he likes.” I’m not focusing on gardening necessarily, but I know that he likes to be physically touched. So I’ll make a point to kiss him while we prep dinner. Go with him and hold his arm while we walk the dog. Rub his back or scratch his head while we watch a show. “Accidentally” bump into him while we’re brushing our teeth. Etc. That almost always leads to gardening, but that’s just a happy outcome. The point is to make him feel desired and wanted and reassure him that I’m still into him.

          Maybe the same approach will work with your Partner – a few times a week, just make an effort to show you’re attracted to her. (Make it a quest for yourself if you don’t know what she likes most. One night, try touching. Another night try eye contact. Next try deep conversations. Etc.) And then if that leads to gardening without more effort, hooray! If not, next time add another step – show her you’re attracted, and end the night with a make out session. And keep adding steps until you’re fully initiating the entire deal.

    3. As a woman, what do you like? Maybe try that.

       I’m straight, but any approaches from behind really work for me – like come up behind me, brush my hair off my neck, kiss my neck or ear…I definitely will get the message.

27. Wanting to provide Christmas gifts for a family or two in need this year. What are the best organizations or ways to go about doing this besides tossing toys in large bin outside a store?

    1. We do annual Angel Trees through our local Y. Churches may have these as well.

    2. The Y or local churches probably sponsor families or have angel trees.

    3. Salvation Army’s Angel Tree. Marine Corps’ Toys for Tots. Some local school districts run an anonymous program for needy students in their schools (my church collects for this in our area).

    4. Google “adopt a family” + your town name. (Also try “Angel Tree” or “toys for tots” or “adopt an angel”). You can also look for local shelters or Big Brother/Big Sister organizations, and contact them to see if they have wish lists or if they refer their families to specific programs for holiday donations.

       One note – think hard about how much money you’re willing to spend, and try to divide it between as many kids as you can. Most orgs will recommend $50-$75 per family member. I know it can be tempting to spend $500 on one kid to really make their Christmas, esp when they’re only asking for a winter coat and a puzzle, but it’s so much better if you’re able to spread that out and help 7-10 kids instead. I always think: I’d hate to spend $500 on one kid but their sibling’s angel gets left on the tree and not picked at all. So I try to get as many kids as my budget will allow.

28. How often does Dagne Dover have sales? I really want a bag of theirs, but I’m not quite ready to pull the trigger now for financial reasons.

29. Anyone out there practicing in or around Pittsburgh? Getting serious with boyfriend who lives there, but I’m anxious about the idea of leaving my cushy in-house gig in a very cultured city. I think perhaps my perception of Pittsburgh is wrong, but I haven’t seen the same level of culture (outside the universities) or job opportunities there. Am I not looking in the right places?

    1. Pittsburgh isgreat. If you’re in NYC no, you won’t find the same level of culture.

    2. I guess it depends on what you mean by culture. As a professional sports town, it’s fantastic and people love their local teams. It’s big enough to be a stop for many large touring acts. The museums are pretty good. The universities and medical centers are very good and have large associated communities and activities. It may not have the trendiest restaurants or shopping and endless choices, but think about how dependent you are on those things now. I think part of the appeal of Pittsburgh is that it has retained some of its working class roots/grit and people are really loyal to the city.

       1. Thank you for the insights. I am really not a sports person whatsoever. Not in NYC but in another well-known NE city where arts is huge (though sports are too, and I’ve managed to ignore pretty successfully). How are the people to outsiders? Is it easy-ish to develop relationships with other professional women? We aren’t that friendly in the NE, but I’m lucky to have grown up here and have family locally.

          1. Having just left Pittsburgh, there can still be a “my family has been here for over 100 years and we’re Pittsburgh people” mentality that some people hold. But there is just as large as population of people who are new to the area that are open and welcoming. It’s definitely having it’s moment – I can’t speak to the law field there, but as someone who is much more into cultural than sports, it’s still a good city.

          2. There’s actually a really large arts community here. We have a opera, orchestra, ballet company, lots of theaters, world class arts museums. If you are interested in that type of thing there is a lot of it that is still left over and funded by the robber barons from the late 19th century.

             I think the biggest difference as someone who moved here from a large NE city is that there is just not much of a scene or a bustling downtown. It’s definitely getting better but Pittsburgh isn’t a dense city like Boston, NYC, Philly, DC, etc. It feels much more spread out and midwestern.

             Also, Pittsburgh is remarkably segregated in terms of housing patterns and socializing. That was the most shocking part of my moving here. (this could feel different if you are associated with one of the universities.)

             That said, Pittsburghers are friendly and I have created a diverse friend group overtime. It’s also crazy affordable to live here. Like shockingly affordable.

30. Has anyone seen this article today? https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/27/magazine/insect-apocalypse.html?action=click&module=Top+Stories&pgtype=Homepage#commentsContainer

    I remember a lot of bugs….. Now, not so much.

Comments are closed.